How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - The Flirty Dozen: 12 Ways to Smash Out of the Friend Zone and Spark Connection on First Dates

Episode Date: June 5, 2025

Tired of getting stuck in the dreaded Friend Zone? It’s frustrating when your dates feel flat and women say, “I just didn’t feel a connection.” In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,�� dating coach Connell Barrett breaks down exactly how to go from the Friend Zone to the Flirty Zone, with 12 game-changing moves that make romantic sparks fly. From charming texts to confidently going for that first kiss, your love life is about to change.Get Ready to Learn:10:05: Why Women Lose Interest after a First or Second Date—and How to Fix this for Good15:23: The Text to Send before a Date that Gets Her Excited about Meeting You24:42: Six Tested Moves to Use During the Date that Women Love43:17: How to Go for a First Kiss the Right Way51:27: What to Text Her the Next Day to Get Date Number 2Listen now to smash out of the Friend Zone once and for all!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO FIND OUT IF DATING COACHING CAN HELP YOU ATTRACT YOUR DREAM GIRLFRIEND:http://www.datingtransformation.comWANT A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”? EMAIL CONNELL AND WRITE “FREE BOOK” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND YOU’LL GET IT INSTANTLY:[e-mail]

Do not, I repeat, do not make a gang bang joke on a first date. That's not the lesson here. The lesson here is to be expressive and let your personality come out. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett, helping you to flirt with confidence, get more dates, and get a great girlfriend, and do it with authenticity, doing it as the real core you, because women like you for you, as long as you know how to flirt and how to make just a few moves. And speaking of flirting and making moves,

today's episode is about you if you struggle with getting second dates. Maybe you get first dates or there's women you like but you can't even get a first date with her because she puts you in the friend zone. Or you do get first dates but you really struggle to get second or third dates. women just lose interest after two or three dates let's call this the friend zone the dreaded friend zone and today's episode is all about why we get in the friend zone and how to get out of it and I'm gonna give you what I call the flirty dozen I'm gonna give you 12 great actionable practical tips that will help you smash out of the

friend zone 12 of them, you're gonna three of them are before the date. Six of them are on the date, and three more after the date, so that we can smash you out of the friend zone and start getting you second third dates, and a girlfriend and women kissing you and making out with you and loving being with you. And that's what I want for you. So how do I know so much about the friend zone? Well, I used to live there. I was the mayor. I was a friend zone oligarch. I was the mayor of friend zone town. I basically was in the friendzone with women

until my mid-30s. I remember so many friendzonings, it's just so sad. I can laugh about it now. I was once on a date and it was going so blandly that she ended the date before I finished my modello. I had one drink, I was halfway done, and she said, well, it was nice meeting you. And I wasn't even halfway done with my date,

and she bolted. I was on another first date, and it was going so, it wasn't going badly, it was just flatlining. And she left me for another guy on the actual date. I'm not making this up. We were on a date. I forget her name. It's been so many years.

Let's call her Sarah. Sarah and I were on a date and it was just so flatlining and lame and boring. All my fault. And she saw three or four people who happened to be people she knew and was acquainted with, including a guy she clearly was into. And she ended up saying, Well, I'm going to go over to them now. Bye. And she left me for another guy on a first date. That was a first. And, and then there was a woman named Lauren. And Lauren was a huge crush I had back in the mid double zeros. And this was a classic case of the

friend zone because on paper she wanted to like me. On paper I was her type, intelligent and funny, at least on my good days. But I just couldn't get out of my own way. I was very eager. I was inauthentic with her. And at one point I was just making stories up to try to impress her and she could feel me trying to impress her trying to be somebody I wasn't and she friend-zoned me at first. Now finally I had a point in my life where I got some coaching, I got some help, I got some advice and I said you know what let's just try something radically different and here's the night everything changed for me for the better. It was my first date with Katie. Katie is was and is beautiful woman stylish tall slender

blonde she reminded me of a tall Sarah Michelle Geller which is a big thing for me because I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer back in the day. And I had a first date with Katie at this cocktail bar, fancy cocktail bar, very early in my dating journey of getting first dates and just trying to figure out how the heck do you make sparks happen with women. And I told myself before that date, I said, you know what, I'm going to try something very different. I'm done done being fake nice I'm done trying to tell her trying to show her that I'm good enough for her I'm just gonna really fully be me so what does that mean for me well I'm a natural born smartass when I was in college our freshman year we they gave out dormitory awards you know mr. Mr. All-Nighter, Mr. Party Guy,

I won Mr. Smartass. I am a cheeky smartass. That's part of who I am. And so I said to myself, you know what? I'm tired of the friend zone. I'm just gonna go out and let it fly. I don't care anymore. I'm gonna meet this girl, Katie,

and I'm gonna be a smartass. And it absolutely changed everything. I remember. I remember teasing her about she was really into American Idol. I teased her about her cheesy taste in movies. And but here's the thing, I wasn't just being cheeky and cocky, which I was probably too much on that date, I was also still letting my nerdy self come out. Like I'm a big Marvel superhero guy.

I remember talking with her about the Spider-Man movies and kind of nerding out with her about nerdy topics like Spider-Man and superhero movies. But at the same time, I was teasing her a little bit. And I remember that when I would tease and tease her about something that made her giggle and smile, I saw her bite her lower lip as if to say, most guys don't talk to me this way. And she started to tease me back, banter back with me, and I could just feel a different chemical chemistry on this date happening. And I remember thinking, wow, I'm really being a lot more the real me, just being a cheeky smart ass, but I'm also doing it in a way that she likes. And it went so much better than all of my previous dates.

I'd probably been friend zoned five or six straight times at that point. And I remember we were walking, we hadn't kissed yet. We're walking from the cocktail bar to get a cab for her on a weeknight in New York City in the some somewhere in the double zeros. And I just she was giving me a different look than other women had been giving me. And we get to this corner and we're standing face to face head on. And she says, you really want to kiss me, don't you?

With a smile. And of course that's, even I at that stage could get, could read, could read that. could get could read could read that Stevie Wonder could read that signal. And I could read that signal. And I realized that was her way of saying, Hey, you should kiss me now. And I moved in and I kissed her. And it was a great first kiss. And then the next day, I said, Don't stop, Connell, keep it up. She liked cheeky, cheeky, smart ass, snarky, connell, keep it up a little bit. And I sent her a text the

next day, a text that I still to this day have my clients send if they feel like it's genuine for them. I texted her texted her and I said, Hey, I just wanted you to know that you had a really good time last night. And you want to see me again. Winky face. And she wrote back lol. You're right. I do want to see you again. By the way, she later told me Katie, she later said that she was looking at that text message with her girlfriend and they were looking at it saying, Oh, that's good. He's funny. That's

good. They liked it. She liked it. And Katie, by the way, became my girlfriend for that summer. She was like my summer love. And that was a huge turning point for me. And I think the big lesson, the reason I'm opening this episode with that story is what did I do on that date that really changed the game for me? And what can you do? Well, the friend zone happens when you're hiding who you really are. You're wearing a mask instead of being who you truly really are and being confident in that, you hide it behind a mask of what you think that woman wants or what you think men need to be to women. So

essentially I realized, hey, I'm gonna be really emotionally open and honest how I project myself. And in my case, I was hiding that snarky, nerdy, smart ass side of me. I let that come out and Katie loved it. And that was a big turning point for me. And I want you to have a similar breakthrough. Now I'm not saying you have to be snarky and cheeky like me. That's not that may or may not be your authentic self. But whatever, whatever the true core real you is, we do want that side of you to shine. One of my coaches, I met him later, but one of my coaches used

to say the true self is always shining through. That true core you is always coming out. So you may as well shine it brightly through a really bright prism and see if the woman likes the warm light of that prism. If she does like Katie did, then wonderful, wonderful things can happen. And if she doesn't, that's okay too. Okay, so today's episode I want to give you 12 ways, 12 simple tips to get out of the friend zone before the date, during the date, and after the date. Okay, now before I get into these 12 tips, let's just define what the friend zone is because there's some confusion about this. In in this space of learning about dating and

success with women and connecting with women. What is the friend zone? My definition of the friend zone is a woman wants to like you and you want to like her and you want it to be mutual. But you're getting in the way. You're not escalating, connecting, flirting. You're basically not leading the dating dance in the way to make a woman feel the way she wants to feel. That's my definition of the friend zone. The friend zone is, yeah, she wants to like you, just like Lauren wanted to like me a different a different woman Katie did like me she wants to like you but you're getting in

the way you're not making moves you're hiding your true self you're being timid you want to go for the kiss but you don't you want to tell her she's sexy and amazing but you don't you play it cool when because you think that's a good strategy. And basically that's the friend zone. Here's what the friend zone isn't. The friend zone isn't a woman isn't attracted to you. That's okay. You're allowed to have lots of women not attracted to you. There is nothing wrong with that. There's a lot of reasons why a woman might not be attracted to you. She might not be your type. You might not be the sort of kind of archetypes she wants in a man. That's not about you. That's just a taste thing. I had a date several years ago, but long

after I became a dating coach, by this time, I'd literally become world class at first dates and flirting. I think I'm the best. I actually think I'm the best in the world at this. Not that you can quantify that, but if I'm not the best in the world, I'm pretty damn great in my humble opinion. Anyway, I had a first date many years ago and I did every move I know. I did all the things I teach. I was flirtatious. I was what I call man to woman,

I was authentic, I was fun, everything was, I did everything I know how to do. And she, we even kissed. And she basically said, hey, you know what, I'm just not feeling the spark that I wanna feel. But it wasn't because I failed to escalate or failed to lead the dance with this other woman. It was just because she wanted something that I'm not. I think that's my theory. She wanted the stones but I'm the

Beatles. I'll take that. I love the Beatles. You know, she wanted tacos but I'm pizza. So I can't, we can't control that as men. But what you can control are the different ways you flirt, you escalate. I think of it as a dance. First dates are a dance. And if you lead that dance correctly, you cannot be friend zoned. You just won't be friend zoned anymore. You may or may not have mutual romantic sparks with that woman, but you're never gonna be friend zoned again as I define the friend zone. And what you're going to see happening is all of a sudden you're going to see what I began

to see after the Katie aha breakthrough date, where I went off on this wonderful period of my dating life where I don't know, 75 80% of my first dates went great. Mutual sparks, mutual interest. It wasn't too long after the Katie date, maybe fast forward a couple of months, when I remember I had three really great dates, three different first dates in three successive nights with three different women. And every single one of them ended in a, or included a really fun, passionate, sexy make out. And I remember walking home after that third date, I was buzzed from a little bit of alcohol and a lot of kissing.

I remember thinking, wow, three super cute girls and three straight nights in a row? We made out with all, I made out with all of them and they're all into me and I like them all. Man, this feels good. This feels good to have that kind of option, abundance of good options. And part of it was ego. Part of it was me having never felt good enough for women and all of a sudden I was feeling incredible about myself. And part of it was just like the good feelings of growing into the more confident version of myself and realizing yeah I am enough, I am enough. Anyway so what I want to

do right now is I'll go into these 12 tips. These are three tips before the date and then six things you can do on the date and then three more things to do after the date, sort of bookend these dating dance moves so that you can never be stuck in the friend zone again, you'll start having a lot more success and also have a clear simple game plan so that you don't just accidentally have good dates, but you're not sure why they go well. I want you to be in control, or not in control, but have a lot of influence on how successful your dates are and just have a huge awesome first date winning percentage.

So let's get into it. Here we go. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries

find love. It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book dating sucks, but you don't and Radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend So go to dating transformation calm and book a free call with me on our call I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend Here are three tips before the first date. Tip number one is be a man with a plan. Have a clear idea of what the date's gonna be, where it is, what it's gonna be.

Women love a man who leads. They love it, love, love, love. So be a man with a plan. I started dating a woman named Lorraine many years ago. She became my girlfriend. And Lorraine gave me some incredible feedback on our first couple of dates. She said, I love that you plan. You just tell me what where to go, where we're going, what we're going to do. And I just love that you plan. You're such a good planner that really made her notice that I am leading the dating dance. So the simplest thing you can do is when you ask a woman out, be a man with a plan, have a clear fun idea of what a really good fun date would be for the two of you, suggest a place, suggest the activity,

the two of you suggest a place, suggest the activity, and lead that first date by being a man with a plan. Now you don't have to put it out there in some sort of jerky, you know, hey, we're gonna meet me on Friday at the tapas bar, 9pm, be there. I'm not saying be that dickishly assertive. You can run it by her. You just simply present it. Hey, I have a great idea for our first date, you might say. You love Spanish tapas. I love Spanish tapas and sangria. How about this Thursday, seven o'clock, I know a great place called the the flying tapas jar. 730pm work for you. Just be that man with a plan. Women really like that. Okay. And I've never met a woman who said, Oh, Connell, you plan too much. Stop planning so much. It just doesn't happen.

Okay, tip number two before the first date to stay out of the friend zone is send her some fun light flirty messages in advance of the date. Think of texting. Think of the texts you send before a first date. They're like movie trailers, little sneak previews of the main event. And the first date itself is the movie. So think of texting as a fun flirty warm-up leading up to that first date. So think playful. Think cheeky. It's almost like you're giving her a taste of that first date energy in advance. What might some of those text messages look

like? Well, again, you always want to be authentic. You want it to sound like you. But here are some examples from my life, from my dating past. I like to crack jokes. I like to send little messages one or two days before the date. Maybe, I remember once I was at the gym and I texted a woman I had a date with the next night. I said, Hey Rebecca, just so you know, I'm at the gym right now getting my pecs and biceps totally swole for our big date. Put a little weight lifter emoji in there. And then I think I added a joke parentheses parentheses, nervously twiddling my thumbs. Just dumb, dorky humor.

And she hit me back, bantered back with what she was doing to plan for our big date. It created some fun pre-date banter. And there was another woman I dated. Her name is Jen. This is around the same time. This was post-Katy, my post-Katy breakthrough. another woman I dated, her name is Jen, this is around the same time, this is post Katie, my post Katie breakthrough. I remember I dated a woman named Jen for a while and she just loved my snarky, my snarky pre first date jokes. Like I used to send messages like,

hey, make sure you wear something tight and low-cut tomorrow night so that we match. Again very connell very me and alright send like cheeky. Like almost. Overly overly narcissistic text messages as as jokes. Things like. Just you know i just got a brand new haircut tomorrow night for tomorrow night. And I'm looking really handsome. So try to control yourself. Okay, a lot of that type of thing. And I remember Jen wrote no no woman no woman had ever written me this. This was before our first date. She

said I cannot wait to meet your smart, sexy ass tonight. And by the way, I have no ass. I have no ass to speak of, but she was excited to meet my smart, sexy ass. And the date went amazing. Jen and I really hit it off. And then hopefully the movie is even better than the trailer. So we do want to make the first date good. So send some fun, flirty, playful pre first date text messages. Another thing you can do before the date is let's say you get to the venue and

she's not there yet. You know you get there early, which is the next tip by the way. You could send a message that says, Oh, hey, by the way, just got here. Don't worry take your time, but if you're late, you owe me one drink for every minute you're late, but don't worry. You know, I'm a cheap date. That can create some fun pressure on her. Light playful pressure. Again, it's a joke. It's always playful. It's always a joke. So you can send those kinds of predate messages even right literally seconds or minutes before she arrives. Okay, tip number three, these are the three pre-date tips, is show up early and set the stage.

Get to that venue 15 minutes early, grab a good seat, and essentially get yourself accustomed to the environment. What I've found is I'm a big planner, as Lorraine was appreciative of. I love to plan in advance and just make sure I handle all the things that I can handle. I can't control the at the end of the day, I can't control whether or not she's going to be into me or not, but I can control so many things. So I would always show up early, make sure I got to the venue and I grabbed a really

good seat. What do I mean by good seat? Well, you don't want to be sitting across from each other like you're at a business lunch or you're having a conversation with your H&R Block accountants. It's a date. Ideally, you want to be next to each other. You want to be sitting next to each other. And that is something that you can do. It's more conducive to make that happen if you arrive early and make sure, okay, I'll sit up at the bar. I got two stools right next to each other. That's a really good way to start a date. I remember I would get to a really busy venue and it might be really crowded and there was nowhere

to stand or sit or at least nowhere to sit. because I got there early 15 minutes earlier so a spot would open up a seat would open up then I would go snag it and then I was seated in a great spot for a really good date and the other benefit about arriving early is you just allow yourself to get accustomed to the environment. Get to the venue early. You could talk to the bartender or talk to people next to you. Get out of your head. Get out of your phone. Get into a social mode. And by showing up early, you get in that social mode and you got a good spot for the date. When she arrives, you're like already, you got some momentum. You already feel confident

and more in the zone. Okay, let's talk about during the date. Here are six practical actions to apply during the date to make sure you stay out of the friend zone, make some sparks happen, or at least give it a great chance to make them happen. Number one, most importantly, be authentically you. Be you. Don't hide your quirks. Own your humor. Own your personality. Not only do you not want to hide it, you want to showcase it. You want to feature it. Whatever that might be for you. And I already told you the Katie story how, hey, I decided I'm going to start showing women that I am a smart ass. I'm snarky. I also am authentically interested in people.

I love learning about people. So I'm authentic when I'm really understanding, trying to learn what makes a woman tick. Women love that. I like dad jokes. I'll tell dad jokes. I'll tell dad jokes. Sometimes I'll tell kind of raunchy jokes or almost like shocking jokes. A certain side of me likes to be a little bit edgy or a lot edgy. And so here's a story. I do not recommend you copy this story at all. This is not meant for you to mirror exactly what I did, but I want to show you

the power of being really unfiltered or at least less filtered. I had a first date once at a bar called Tempest, a fun little dive bar. It's gone now, but it used to be there in Chelsea, New York City. I'm at Tempest and I have a first date with an absolute stunning, gorgeous, stylish, incredible woman, actually an actress who was pretty successful and famous in Europe, in Eastern Europe. And then she had just moved to the US to try to make it in acting in New York. She and I connected at a self-help event. I met her, I approached her, and then we had a first date.

She walks in. No, so I'm waiting for her to arrive. And it just so happens, the small little room or the little section of the bar, I happen to be sitting next to nine guys from a lacrosse practice that had just let out. So nine strapping young men and I are in this room and she walks in and sees me and smiles and then she looks at me and looks at all these nine sweaty

strapping young lacrosse guys and sort of realizes, well this is interesting and unusual. And I assessed the situation and I said to her, and this is like literally the first few words out of my mouth. I said, oh yeah, I thought you might want to have a gangbang with this lacrosse team and me. And she busted out laughing. Now, I was taking a huge risk by saying that. I did not know her that well. And I was perfectly willing and ready and able to let the date explode in that moment. It just so happens that she has a great sense of humor,

and she realized I was just cracking a joke. But she loved it. She thought it was hilarious. And the date went really well. We ended up going back to my apartment and watching a clip of a movie, one of her movies that was a big hit in Europe. So anyway, do not, I repeat, do not make a gang bang joke on a first date. That's not the lesson here. The lesson here is to be expressive and let your personality come out, okay?

So tip number one during the date, be authentic. That is you at your most attractive, okay? Tip number two is tell her that she's sexy. Tell her that she's sexy. Use the word sexy and tell her why. If I could take the single most important piece of advice from this whole episode on how to get out of the friend zone and compress it into the most distilled simple tip is during that first date at some point when you feel it look her in

the eye and say to her you know what's really sexy about you? It's blank. And then fill in that blank. I don't know what the blank is. I want it to be genuine. It's got to be specific and authentic and real. But whatever it is, it's going to have an impact on her. It could absolutely smash you out of the friend zone. In fact, I think it will. It's hard to get friend zoned when you look a woman in the eye and say, hey, you know what's really sexy about you? It's the way you laugh. You have the sexiest, most lilting, feminine laugh. Just the sound of your laugh makes me, gives me the feel, gives me the feels. You better stop it. I'm trying to be good.

I barely know you trying to be a good boy, but you're making it very hard right now. See what I'm doing there. A little double entendre. There is no way you're going to get friend zoned by that woman. Now, she may or may not want to keep dating you. Maybe you're not her cup of tea or vice versa. Maybe she's not for you. But you know what? She's not going to say she's not going to keep dating you. Maybe you're not her cup of tea or vice versa. Maybe she's not for you. But you know what? She's not going to say she's not going to say,

oh, man, that guy doesn't make moves because remember, the friend zone happens when a woman who is trying to like you, when you just don't lead the dating dance, the friend zone happens when you tell the woman to lead. Women don't want to lead the dating dance. They want the man to lead. Women don't want to lead the dating dance. They want the man to lead. And so tell her she's sexy. And to make it really powerful and deep and also classy and cool is don't make it about her appearance. Don't tell her she's sexy because of her figure, her cleavage, her or even her smile. Even that's a bit cliched. Oh my god, you have

the sexiest smile. Okay, fine. I guess that's better than not saying it. But it's such a cliche. Such a cliche. Think what is something about her that I find sexy? A trait. Maybe it's the way she laughs. Maybe it's the way she looks up and to the right when she's thinking or she bites her lower lip. Those things can be really sexy. It could be a more behavioral trait or I'm sorry a quality that she's revealed about herself during the date. The fact that she has done adventurous bold things. You know, she backpacked through Europe by herself when she was 19.

Or she is deeply intelligent. Her intelligence, her wit is coming out loud and clear to you on that date. Look her in the eye. And summon all your courage, even if you're scared and say, you know what's really sexy about you? You're so intelligent. I think intelligence and wit are so sexy, so refreshing to see that on a date. And just let it land. Lean into it. It's okay. Women want you to tell them they're sexy. Mostly. As long as you're doing it from a truthful place and you're not doing it for a result so much as you're doing it because you're expressing something that's just

real and there and of course you're gonna say that. Another quick story. I was on a first date with a young woman. I think she was, yeah, 22, 23, brunette, curvy, cute, stylish. She had a little bit of Olivia Rodrigo vibe long before Olivia Rodrigo was around. Anyway, we're on our first date. And again, this is post-Katy, so I had a nice big breakthrough, but I still had a lot to learn. And I remember this woman, the Olivia Rodrigo lookalike, I remember there was something I was trying to tell her she was sexy, but I was pussyfooting around it. I was like, oh, really?

You do X and Y. Oh, well, I think women who do those things are sexy. And she said, and she leaned toward me, she was trying to help me, she was coaching me, she leaned toward me and said, so are you saying that I'm sexy? She was kind of like waving, almost waving at me with her hand. It's okay, You can tell me. She was it was really cute. She was trying to coach me into saying, you can call me sexy. It's OK. And I said, yes, you are sexy.

She's like, good. Anyway, so if you really want to smash out of the friend zone, tell her she's sexy and tell her it's about and find a reason for it. That's not just skin deep. Okay, her wit, her intelligence, her bravery, the way she does things. I had a first date once with a really wonderful woman from South America from Peru. And her name's Claudia. And I remember I said, hey, you know what's really sexy about you? I love your laugh. And I told her why I loved it. And I could just see her swooning a bit.

So okay, tip number, well, let's see, we're up to number one, two, three, four, five. Here's tip number six total, but we're in the middle section. We're on the date now. So these are the six tips on the date.. So these are the six tips on the date. So this is three of six for on the date. So tip number three when you're on the date is be physically expressive. Some light, playful, appropriate touching

that matches the vibe. I know you know this. You've heard this before. Maybe you've heard it from me. And my favorite, simplest, most practical tip for how to touch and how not to touch on a date is simply keep it like kind of light and G-rated during the entire date, but also just have it, or mostly, or at least the beginning, depending on how great the

chemistry builds, but have a reason for the touch. That's the secret. Having a reason for the touch as opposed to a random putting your hand on her thigh or knee for 20, for 30 seconds for no reason. That feels creepy and weird to women. But if you have a reason for the touch, if you're making a point and you're expressing it and you say, oh so that's why I went to grad school as you touch her shoulder when you say that. Or you check out her jewelry. You could take her hand for a few seconds and look at the ring she's wearing and say, oh, this is a cool ring. What's the story here? Or I had a first date with a personal trainer once. This might have been an approach. I think it was an approach actually. It was an approach. We're chatting, we're flirting.

Turns out she's a personal trainer. And I said, oh, no way. Make a muscle. I want to feel your muscles. And you know, she put her arm out and I touched her muscles. Totally made sense. And then she touched my muscles. And now we're touching each other's arms.

Five minutes in. That's a good starting point. And physical touch, it's not that it's a one size fits all. A lot of women like physical touch, and many women don't. And that's okay. And so you wanna think of it as, let's climb these stair steps of physical touch. Let's see, how does she respond

when I high-five her? How does she respond when I touch her shoulder? Does she like it? Does she touch me back? Great! Then you can do a little bit more. A little bit more might be you throw your arm over her shoulder and whisper in her ear something and then pull back. Or a little bit more might be she's talking, you're talking, and you brush the hair out of her eyes. You don't call it out, you just do it. And then of course during the course of a date, the ultimate escalation would be eventually maybe holding hands. Typically holding hands will come before a first kiss and then of course you move in for the first kiss which I'll get to in a second so

Physical touch at least to an extent early on it sends a signal to women that this guy is Comfortable enough to touch a little bit and hey, it is a date The idea here is if everything goes well and you're both into it, eventually you're moving toward intimacy at some point, so why wouldn't you move toward that with some physical touch? If you're sitting on your hands literally and figuratively, then you're basically asking to be put in the friend zone. Okay? All right, the fourth of the tip number four from the first date tips being on the date themselves is be playful

Have fun Flirting is about playing in a word flirting is playing or in three words flirting is playing so play together Play a quick game of two truths and a lie. You can do a staring contest. You can improvise fun playful games in the moment. I've done things like, okay, look around the room and tell me what guy here you would like to be on a date with besides me. Who's in distant second behind me? You know, you could do something like that. So you can, if you want to inject some playfulness into dates. Women spend their whole day before they meet you. She's dealing with her boss.

She's stressed out. She's in a logical, stressed mindset to a large extent. We all are, you know. The boss is a jerk, problems at work, stress of life. And she's going on a date with you. She doesn't want more logic and information. stress of life and she's going on a date with you. She doesn't want more logic and information. She wants to play.

She wants it to be fun. So that's what we want to bring to her table on the date. We want to play. So have some fun ways to play. My go-to's are staring contests, thumb wrestling, fun little word games, fun little teases and jokes, and I just like to get really in the moment. And by the way, here's a quick tip. If you ever have the opportunity, I highly recommend you go take an improv class, at

least for a one-off, a one one time class and see how you like it take practicing improv concepts and improv comedy. It helped me so much become more playful funnier wittier and just more playful in the moment because improv is about two people playing and a first date is about two people playing. Okay to number five for being on that date is be vulnerable. Share a little bit about you, a story from your past about something that doesn't make you look good, but you can laugh about it now. Be a little bit vulnerable, confess something. Again, keep it G rated or PG rated at most. But there's something real powerful about vulnerability of being willing to put something out there that might not make you look good at the time, but now that you're looking back on it, you're able to laugh about it.

You're able to have perspective and it might show that woman, oh wow, this guy's really grown. It also shows that you're not trying to impress her. It shows that you are trying to be really real with her. So vulnerability could be, now beware of talking too much about past relationships because we don't want to do that for very long on a date. But on first dates, I used to talk a lot about my failed nine-week marriage. I talked about being a fat little kid. I was a fat chubby grade school kid. They teased me. My name is Connell Barrett.

This kid, Eric Sundermeier, called me corn oil bear fat. So I'll talk with some vulnerability about being a dorky, unpopular with girls, chubby, redheaded loser. Not loser, but okay, not the cool kid in school. That kind of vulnerability is pretty powerful. It could be as simple as talking about something you suck at. Remember, so many other men she's meeting, they're trying so hard to impress her, they're trying to talk about their money, their cool Rolex watch, the cool boat they own, they're trying so hard to impress her, and it's so, it's, it's transparent. it's transparent. You are not trying to impress her and by not trying to impress her that's as impressive as fuck. You're cracking jokes, you're being real, you're just being raw, real, talking about things that that you feel and believe,

confessing when you don't know something, vulnerable be really real, you know, I If I don't know something I'm not afraid to admit it. I'll say no way you teach them You teach Shakespearean Shakespeare's romances romance plays Gosh, I don't know anything about those which Which one should I read? Educate me. Be vulnerable about things you don't know. And of course, when you do know something, when you are an expert in something, that's totally fine too. You're allowed to talk about things you're good at, things you know about.

But vulnerability is really powerful on a date. There's something really attractive about a guy who's got the strength to be vulnerable and talk about things in his life from his past that he's fucked up, as long as you're conveying it through the lens of, hey, we're all doing our best here on this crazy, in this crazy world. And by you being vulnerable and raw and real, you're giving her the green light to do the same.

And when you've got two people, you and her who are being really emotionally naked, that's how you get actually naked, eventually, or at least it helps too. And tip number six for on the date is go for that first kiss. Go for the first kiss. Assuming you want to, and assuming you think she's had a relatively good time. I'm not saying you always have to go for a first kiss. If you know the date hasn't gone well, don't try. You know that date where the woman left before I was done with my modello? No, I didn't go for, I did not go for a first kiss. But if I'm on a first date, it's a nighttime,

sort of kind of your classic nighttime drinks, dinner type of date or some activity date, you absolutely should go for a first kiss, assuming you want to and assuming you feel like she's had a reasonably good time. What I mean is don't overly look for all these signals that have to be there. Remember your job as the man is to lead the dating dance. Dating is a dance, you lead it. So don't look for 17 signals that have to be there. She twirled her hair, she licked

her lips, she puckered her lips. Look those signals are nice when some women give them to you, but you can also just frickin go for it Just go for that first kiss I was on a first date once with a woman named Maya Maya is a wine expert. What do you call it? sommelier sommelier sommelier and Maya and I had a first date and She wasn't giving me that many signals. But she was present. We had a couple glasses of wine. We sat next to each other. It was a little

bit of touching. Nothing crazy, but a little bit. And we were walking. I was walking her to her place and I remember thinking, oh man, I hate, I hate waiting until I get to a girl's door to go for the first kiss. That makes me feel like I'm in, I don't know, high school or something. And so she and I are walking at night. It's a Saturday night. Sorry, Saturday night. We're walking next to a park and there's like a a graded fence a great grating offense and

I remember thinking I don't want to wait till I get to Maya's doorstep like we're 17 and I just said hey let's stop here for a second and we stopped and I simply turned toward her and I said I just wanted to do this and then I leaned in and I kissed her and then I pressed her up with her clear consent pressed her up against the fence and we had a really sexy makeout her knee is exploring places and it was really hot and sexy and we had not kissed once at all. We hadn't really, I hadn't really quote unquote escalated things until that moment. And once upon a time, I would have gotten in the friend zone with somebody like Maya. Why? I would have been

looking for all these signals, and then I would have not made a move and then we would have ended the night with a hug and she would have lost interest because guess what wimpy passive cowardly connell was afraid to lead the dance and make a move but I remember the core idea of leading the dance and Maya and I had a really fun sexy sexy, awesome make out. We stopped there. I brought her back to her, or I dropped her off at her place, we kissed again, and we ended up dating later. I mean having more dates, but man it felt so good to just say, hey you know what, I'm gonna follow a simple rule. I'm gonna go for a first kiss because I think the dates gone well enough for me

to make the move and and that leads to sort of a core philosophy I have which is this you are never almost never gonna lose that woman by going for a kiss and getting a cheek worst-case scenario meh maybe she's not into it maybe you're not type, or maybe she's just not ready to kiss yet. But you're not going to lose points by going for a kiss. You will lose points. You will lose women if you want to go for that kiss. But you fail to take the chance because you're afraid.

I know because this happened to me many times. I had a few different women basically tell me, sorry, Connell, you had your chance. I had a first date with a woman named Brandy. And I remember it was our second, maybe our third, it was at least our second date. And I just hadn't even made any moves yet. And we had this perfect moment on a park bench

in a New York City park where I could have, should have, and wanted to go for the kiss, but I didn't. The moment passed. A few minutes later, I awkwardly tried and she pulled back and said, no, sorry, you had your chance back there. Sorry, dude. And that was it. So candid feedback from Brandy, but really valuable. And I've also had the opposite, where I went for the kiss and she turned the cheek, but she liked it. Maybe she didn't, maybe she wasn't ready to kiss me yet. Maybe she didn't like PDA.

So I've never knowingly, as far as I know, I've never lost a woman's interest in me by going for the kiss and getting the cheek. But I know I've lost many by not even trying. Because guess what? When you go for it, you're showing her that you're the kind of guy who goes for it. That's what she wants. Women want a man who... women want men who step up and go for it. And part of my whole my overall philosophy here about radical authenticity is you authentically want to kiss her, right? And you're trying to give her something that you hope she wants. So get rid of

any thought in your mind that it's creepy and weird to go for a kiss without an engraved invitation. No! What's creepy and weird is to be on a date with a girl you find gorgeous and cool and interesting and to not even try. That's what reads. I don't think it's creepy and weird, but it reads as timid and passive at best, or at worst, weird and creepy to women. Women like a man who goes for it. Okay so don't forget make those moves. Okay those are the six moves on the first date and now we're gonna go to the three moves you can make after the date to make sure you stay out of the friend zone. Okay so after the date

send a playful flirty follow-up text. You can do it that very night if you want to. Don't wait until two days. By noon the next day, I want you to send a flirty, funny, cheeky, some kind of text message that makes her smile. Okay? Now, what that message should say, that's up to you. Couple of the messages I love to send,

well there's the one I invented with Katie. I love it. You could always send a message to the girl saying, hey, just wanted you to know, you had a good time last night? You wanna see me again? It's a classic. You could also send her a message,

it just says something like, hey, I had a blast with you last night. You are a great kisser. And I like that. You're also trouble. And I like that too. Something like that. You could do something more humorous.

You could send her a text message. Do the accidental text on purpose where you pretend like you're texting somebody else, but you send it to her. Hey mom, dad, guess what? I met the most amazing girl last night. I just hope she doesn't find out I still live in your basement. Fingers crossed. You could go silly humor like that. You could just go sincere. Oh my god, last night was incredible. I love getting to know you. You're such a cool girl, such a cool chick. Can't wait for date number two.

Here's my rule though, send it anytime you want after the date ends. You can send it before you get home. It's not thirsty to let a girl know you had a good time. It's not needy. To let a woman know you enjoyed her. It's actually a gift to give her. You're giving her the gift of a compliment. You're giving her the gift of clarity. This man likes me. You're letting her know where you stand. That's our job. That's our jobs as men. Lead that dance. I've texted women that very night saying, hey, this is my chill, non-thirsty, non-try-hard message to let you know that I think you're pretty incredible and I might want to see you again.

Winky face. Women love that kind of vulnerability. So send it anytime you want, anytime before noon. Send it to her by noon the next day. Okay? If you wait longer than that, you're going to come off as a game player potentially. You're going to come off as a guy who's trying to make her worry. And ignore idiotic, stupid, cliched, toxic advisors, mostly men who say, don't text her for two days, make her wonder if you like her, be mysterious. Women don't want mystery. Women

aren't looking for mystery. They're looking for a good guy like you. They're looking for a solid guy with his life together who's got the balls to let a woman know he likes her and he's interested and that's beautiful. So don't play games. Don't listen to them. Whole be mysterious thing. Okay, the next post date move to make is ask her out again if you if you want to. Let's assume you want to ask her out. Make your interest known. Ask her out and do it within two days, no more than that. You can do it less. You can send her that next message by noon and say,

and then follow up by asking her out. Again, it's not thirsty. It's not needy. You're a highly desirable guy. You're a guy with options. You're a great guy with so much going for you. So there's nothing thirsty about that. If you had a date with Gal Gadot, if you had a date with Olivia Rodrigo and Gal Gadot, if Wonder Woman texted you the next day and said, Hey, I had a really good time last night. I want to see you again. How about this Friday? Would you say, oh, gal Gadot so needy.

She's so lame. No way gal Gadot. Of course not. You'd be like, yep, let's go. And I subscribe to that same philosophy. Show that clear intention. That's actually really sexy to women. So make your interests known and do it within two days or so. You don't have

to ask her out the very next day. If you want to let it breathe for an hour, sorry, for a day, that's fine. But yeah, if you want to see her again, let her know. It gives her clarity. It gives her certainty about where she stands with you. Okay? If you, look, assuming she's a fairly, a quality, attractive, interesting person, she has got plenty of other options if she wants them. So if you wait, some other guy's gonna step in. So do your job. Ask her out again. And one last bonus tip here, or tip number three for after a date.

You want to avoid shifting back into like. Friendly safe mode. Another words whatever was working on the date and whatever was working before the date. Keep doing it keep the good vibes going how often should you text her after a first date? It depends on you and her vibe. My girlfriend Jess and I, we texted 30 times before our first date and we texted 30 times after.

That's us though. You might not have that kind of frequency and love banter as much as we do, but I would say you want at least Here's a good guideline is At least once every two or three days you send her a text message that makes her smile Maybe a joke a call back from the date is a great option do a call back Talk about something funny or silly from the date

Do a call back. Talk about something funny or silly from the date. Something she did that was cute or something you did that was funny or embarrassing. Just call back to the things you laughed and joked about on the date. And basically keep the good vibes going. Keep the good vibes going and essentially this will basically help propel you toward date number two. No more friend zone and you are now you have led this dating dance and if after you make all these moves if she says hey you know what I've been thinking and I don't know I'm not feeling that we're a good fit or I'm not looking to date

right now Then as long as you made all these moves as long as you've been Leading this dating dance. That's not the friend zone in my book now. That's gonna be pretty rare, but it will happen sometimes Don't freak out. Don't be afraid Connell's advice doesn't work. No, it even happens to me or happened to me the last time I was single. Not every woman I had a first date with. I even had dates where I kissed, we kissed. I did all the moves. And then I got the, a couple times I got the whole,

hey, I'm not really feeling it. That's more about what she wants in a guy, not Connell, you fail to escalate and make the moves. But the vast majority of my dates have gone really, really well because of all these tips I've shared with you. Okay, so super quick recap. What have we learned today? We've learned that the friend zone is something that you can willfully get out of by knowing how to make these moves before a date, on a date, and after a date. And if I could condense everything

I've shared in the last however long this has been going on, 45 minutes or so, to a few sentences, it would be tell her she's sexy. Be yourself, be authentic. Flirt with her, let her know she's interesting. Be yourself, be vulnerable and go for that first kiss. And let the chips fall. The chips are gonna fall somewhere. Women just like a guy with the strength, the courage to be themselves.

And women love a guy who is solid and big hearted and a gentleman like you, but who also has the courage and the growing confidence to lead that dance. And that's how you stay out of the friend zone. Okay, thank you so much for listening. Until the next episode, don't forget, your dream girlfriend is out there and she's gonna love you, but she's gotten to meet the real authentic you. Till next time.