How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - The Magic Move to Get Quality Online-Dating Matches

Starting point is 00:00:00 Guys love fish photos. Guess what, gents? She doesn't want to date Quint from Jaws, okay? She wants to date you. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you gain confidence, learn to flirt, get a lot of dates with cool quality women, and then find a really wonderful partner, a girlfriend who likes and loves the real you, the authentic you. And we're doing all of this with what I call radical authenticity. No pickup artist tricks, no creepy, toxic BS. This is about showing women your true, best, most authentic self. And I'm psyched for today's episode because I want to

Starting point is 00:00:54 help you fix perhaps the single most painful struggle that single men have today. What is the most universal painful struggle that I'll bet you have dealt with? I'm going to wager that it's online dating. Problems such as lack of good matches, lack of matches in general. Maybe you have swiped and swiped and just never gotten a single date or at least a single quality, exciting date from Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, whatever app you're using. And maybe you have gotten some good matches. Maybe you have gotten some good leads, but then you're texting a girl, texting a woman, and she goes quiet and she disappears. I think online dating is the most universal, most widespread thing that sucks for men, for single men. So I wrote a book called Dating Sucks But You Don't.

Starting point is 00:01:55 And the title of my book came when my editor and I, or I should say my literary agent and I were trying to come up with a title for the book, I had like a hundred different titles. And one of the titles, the final title, Dating Sucks But You Don't, came from a conversation I was having with a client at the time. And I was saying to him, hey, Joel, you don't suck, but your profile sucks. And you're not getting matches. You're struggling because your profile is not good, but you're amazing. You're a great guy. And I hope you would, will take that same lesson right now, listening to this podcast. If you're struggling with online dating, if you're not getting matches or not getting good matches or not getting dates from the dating apps,

Starting point is 00:02:40 if the dating apps just don't work for you, please don't mistake that as you being unattractive or not a good catch. It's not that you suck. It's that your profile sucks. And or you might be making some really common mistakes that a lot of men make with online dating. So what I want to do today is give you a couple of the biggest myths and also secrets about how online dating works, how to get results, how women use Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, so that by the end of this podcast, you'll have a good solid roadmap to go online, start getting some matches, start getting some dates, and just feel more excited. Just feel more optimistic about online dating. Okay? So that's what today's episode is about. And let me get into this by sharing a story with you. I want to tell you about a woman named Veronica, who I tried to date many, many, many years ago. So Veronica was beautiful, well-read. We were having a phone relationship. We had phone

Starting point is 00:03:49 banter and it was very snappy. It was a great, almost like a Hepburn Tracy type of dialogue. And I remember thinking, you know what? She just might be the one. So what I did is I decided to fly 3,000 miles to surprise her from my home in New York City to where she lived at the time in San Francisco. And so here's some context. Veronica and I had connected online, but we hadn't yet met in person. She was in SF. I was in New York. But I felt like, oh, wow, we have great chemistry. So we're obviously about to begin an amazing love affair. And so I got this idea in my head because I'd seen way too many 80s movies, I think,

Starting point is 00:04:37 too many rom-coms from the 80s and 90s. I said, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to fly cross country and surprise her. And so I flew 3,000 miles, New York to SF. And I said to myself, okay, I'm going to leave these gifts for her. I got her some gifts. I went to her doorstep. I had her address because we had exchanged a couple of letters. And I left a dozen red roses on her doorstep along with a Victoria's Secret lingerie number and a note saying, hey, surprise, guess what? I'm in town. And I went back to the hotel suite. I rented a hotel suite because my plan was leave her these gifts, wait for her to call or text me.

Starting point is 00:05:22 She's going to be overjoyed and we're going to have a hot, sexy, romantic, incredible weekend in San Francisco together. Certainly beginning a long, epic love affair. And I went back to the hotel and I waited and I waited and I waited. This was on a Friday, by the way. No text, no answer. Saturday, no response. I texted her. I called her. No response. By Sunday afternoon, I got in the picture. She had ghosted me. She just completely disappeared. And I was devastated at the time. At the time, I felt really kind of butthurt. Like, why are women so mean? How could she lead me on like this? I thought she wanted to start something with me. Looking back now, of course, I realized that she was totally right to blow me off. Because by flying cross-country, I had tripped her desperate

Starting point is 00:06:17 guy alarm. And that's where I was at the time. This was way back in the 00s, before I'd begun working on my dating life. And that's what a scarcity of dating options can make a guy do, can make him do some pretty desperate, eager, sort of sorry-seeming things. So Veronica was the one and only good online dating match I had at that time. That's why I flew cross country. I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news.

Starting point is 00:07:20 Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and I'll see you next time. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye.

Starting point is 00:08:29 I had a total scarcity of options at the time. And she was my one good option. So I told myself this story that, oh, she's the one. Let's go cross country and I'll sweep her off her feet. So yeah, I flew all the way to California to make this grand 80s rom-com level gesture. And of course, that put so much pressure on her that she had no choice but to ghost me. Not that the term ghosting existed back then. She just disappeared on me. And at the time, I was hurt and confused. But the thing about hitting bottom is hitting bottom like that can be a good thing.

Starting point is 00:09:07 And it was after that moment with Veronica when I realized, you know what? I've got to become really... I became determined to do whatever it took to become really good and successful at online dating because I just didn't want to live in a place of dating scarcity. So I studied with all these top experts. I tested dozens of different profiles. I learned about what works with online dating, Match.com, eventually Tinder, Bumble, and the apps when those came around in the late 00s. And I tried a lot of things. And along the way, i realized something really powerful and this is the first this is the big the

Starting point is 00:09:49 big myth of online dating that i want to share with you right now i realized something really powerful which is that online dating isn't really dating it's marketing you're basically just running a digital ad for yourself um and so what I'd like to do is talk about essentially how online dating truly really works so that you can understand, oh, it's not really dating. It's a marketing thing. It's a marketing project, not really dating. Until you meet that woman in person, or at the very least, until you hop on a FaceTime date or a phone call, you, not really dating. Until you meet that woman in person, or at the very least, until you hop on a FaceTime date or a phone call, you're not really dating. You're marketing to each other. And it's okay to just be really honest about that. So let me kind of get into how this

Starting point is 00:10:39 all works. Bottom line is you need a very good dating profile as a man because online, the online dating competition is very stiff, very stiff. According to one study, 62% of all dating app users are male. And on Tinder, which is the most popular dating app in the world, men outnumber women, depending on where you are, men outnumber women by about a four to one margin. And there are certain metro areas, according to another study, there are certain metro areas where the male to female Tinder ratio is upwards of 10 to one. So with so much choice, it's no wonder that women only swipe right about 14% of the time on Tinder, but men swipe right 46% of the time. This is according to a New York Times article. And a similar scenario plays out on Bumble and Hinge and all the top dating apps. So just understand that these

Starting point is 00:11:48 are very daunting odds that make it difficult for guys, even great guys, even dateable guys, it makes it really difficult to get matches and get dates. And it also helps explain why, and this is a crazy stat, that six out of 10 men who try online dating report in a poll having little to no interest from women. So six out of 10 men have, quote, no interest from women. And only one in four women say that. So it's definitely a buyer's market for women. And one more stat I'll throw at you. Over 50%, I believe the number is 51% from Pew Research, 51% of men have never had a single date in real life from online dating. They've never gone out and physically met a woman from the dating apps. Over half. Over half. And I share these stats with you not to bum you out. I just want to give you the real,

Starting point is 00:12:52 honest truth so you can say, okay, online dating is very competitive. And I want this to be liberating for you. I want you to say, okay, well, maybe I'm struggling, lack of matches, lack of dates, because it's just so competitive out there, as opposed to making it a personal indictment of yourself and telling yourself that, hey, I'm not attractive. So please don't make that mistake. Again, dating doesn't suck. Your profile might suck or your profile might just not be good enough for such a competitive market. But again, online dating is just marketing. And what's probably happening is your marketing campaign is hurting you.

Starting point is 00:13:31 Perhaps your photos are dark and grainy, or there are just a bunch of group shots of you that make it really hard to tell which guy is you. Or maybe you are one of the many men who has a photo of you holding a fish you just caught. Guys love to show fish photos. Guys love fish photos. Guess what, gents? She doesn't want to date Quint from Jaws. Okay? She wants to date you. So remember, your online dating profile doesn't suck. I'm sorry. You don't suck. Your profile definitely, probably, maybe sucks. And to quote a line from my book, it's not you, it's the halibut you're holding. And this is actually great news because you wouldn't be able to quote unquote fix online dating, but you can fix your profile. You can fix your marketing. So how do we do that?

Starting point is 00:14:28 Let's look at it this way. So the very concept of marketing might make you think of like sleazy, deceitful, used car salesman tactics. But when done with integrity, the right marketing message actually creates trust with an audience and gives them real value. A couple examples from pop culture in the last half century would be the Avis car rental company. They basically admitted their second-tier status to Hertz with the slogan, we're number two so we try harder. And the result of that very refreshing honesty is basically Avis nearly doubled their market share. And similarly, Southwest Airlines promoted or promised their flyers, quote,

Starting point is 00:15:12 transparency, meaning no hidden fees. And that campaign helped to rack up nearly 5 million Facebook likes and increase business for Southwest. So think of marketing not as a sketchy, creepy thing. Think of it as just part of the commercial world we live in. And you can market yourself with women with integrity and authenticity, just like the better brands do. And this not only feels really good to you, but it's also what works. So let's talk about online dating through the lens of marketing. Okay. As with any piece of good marketing, your dating profile must do three core things. Number one is it has to be disruptive, meaning that it has to stand out and snap a given woman out of her swiping hypnosis. It has to disrupt her. It has to be different than

Starting point is 00:16:05 other things she sees. It has to be a pattern interrupt, in other words. In other words, your profile can't look like every other guy's. Number two is it has to be valuable to her. There has to be something in it for her. A date, a fling, love, hope, a relationship, a laugh. In other words, she has to see the value and feel the value. When it comes down to it, dating success in general and online dating success specifically comes down to how can you help her thrive romantically? What value can you bring to her romantic life? And it goes the same in reverse as well. You're looking for somebody who can bring value to your life. Okay. And the third essential of an online dating profile in terms of marketing is it has to create

Starting point is 00:16:59 trust. If a woman can't trust you, she won't date you. So those three things has to disrupt, has to be seen as valuable to her, and it has to create some sense of trust. So yeah, those are the three things. So please keep those in mind as you rework your profile and your online dating profile, hopefully with my podcast's help. Now let's talk about how women use the apps. I want you to understand how women use the dating apps because it's not the way that you might think. So here's how you might think women use dating apps. You might think they use it the same way that men do, which is not the case, right? So when swiping on Tinder or Bumble or Hinge, you probably follow this complex psychological algorithm. Here's what you do.

Starting point is 00:17:56 Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks but you don't so that you can confidently approach women

Starting point is 00:18:46 and get dates become magnetic and attractive even if you're not tall or great looking always know what to say to make sparks fly get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman you can find dating sucks but You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold, in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. Whoa, she's hot. Swipe right. That's probably all you do. And then now, sure, as men, we want smart,

Starting point is 00:19:28 beautiful, attractive women with inner beauty and outer beauty. Because, hey, men are visual beings. Men generally tend to swipe for looks first and then ask questions later. However, women don't use Tinder and apps quite that way. What they do is they filter out guys using a three-part screening process. Here's what ladies do. Ladies basically swipe left as quickly as men do, but it takes the typical woman 10 times longer to swipe right. This is according to Tinder's own research. So what happens is women have to be a lot more discerning because they have so many options. And in addition, women tend to focus more on emotions and the feelings you make her feel rather than solely on your looks. So here's the steps. Here's what happens when a woman matches with you on Tinder. I should say, here's what has to happen

Starting point is 00:20:36 when a woman matches with you on Tinder. Number one, she looks at your featured photo and then she says either yes or no. So if your main picture blends in with all the other guys she sees, it doesn't register with her and she'll swipe left. If your lead photo engages her, she's interested, she's intrigued, but she's probably not sold yet. Next, we have step two in her process of matching with you. Step two is she reads your bio. And then she either says yes or no. So if what you wrote bores her or confuses her, or she sees a red flag of some kind,

Starting point is 00:21:15 like a vulgar comment or a fish photo or something really negative, then you're done. You're done. Because she has so many options. But if your bio has some personality, some charm that resonates with her, again, she doesn't swipe yet. Then she goes to this third question in her mind or this third step in her mind. She then views the rest of your photos and then she swipes either left or right. So if your other pictures speak to her, other than that first main photo, and if there are no deal-breaking shots, like you coming across as drunk or, I don't know, standing over a dead elephant in Africa, which would turn off almost

Starting point is 00:22:02 any woman, then what she'll do, she sees the rest of your photos. She might like the fact that, oh, look, he goes skiing. That's cool. He's got a cool lifestyle. Or, hey, look at him out on the town with friends having a cocktail at a cool venue. That sounds good. Then she'll look at the rest of your photos. And if she likes what she sees, then she'll finally swipe right. So what is the takeaway here or a big takeaway I want you to take home with you is that your looks are relevant, but they're a fairly minor factor. You do not need to be a 9 out of 10, 10 out of 10 male model, handsome Hollywood, handsome guy. Women are going to swipe based not on your looks,

Starting point is 00:22:46 but how your photos make her feel, not where you fall on the one to 10 scale. Okay. So that is a quick overview of how women view online dating and they're viewing it through this prism of marketing. Let me say one final word about marketing and then I'll talk about the most important steps for you to take going forward about online dating marketing. Remember that every single word and every single photo on your online dating profile, on whatever app you're on. Every single word in a photo is probably about you, but it's for her. Nothing on your profile is for you. It's all for her. It's all about what's in it for her. So filter everything you write in every photo through the lens of, does this offer her value?

Starting point is 00:23:47 Does this create trust? Does this disrupt and give a different flavor compared to other guys on dating apps? Everything, it might be about you, but it's for her. A big mistake that online dating men make with online dating is they think, oh, wow, I would love to use this photo. Ha ha, this joke makes me laugh. Or this detail or this office quote is my favorite office quote. Okay, fair enough. I'm glad you like the office. Guess what? So does every single other guy on the dating apps. That's not going to make you stand out. So remember, you want to stand out in ways that it might be about you.

Starting point is 00:24:32 It's definitely photos of you, but it's for her. It's for her benefit. So filter everything through the lens of how does this make that woman on the other end of the phone, how does this make her want to swipe right what's in it for her? Okay. Let's end with some real quick, but powerful and practical quick tips about the most important part of your dating profile. The most important part of your dating profile is your photos, but especially your portraits. I recommend that pretty much every guy, there's some exceptions, but almost every guy, and definitely in your case,

Starting point is 00:25:11 you wanna spend the most, I would say 75% of your online dating success is your choice of six to nine photos. And 51% of your success are the first two photos. And for your first two photos, I recommend that you use portraits. What's a portrait? A portrait is simply a shot of you

Starting point is 00:25:38 wearing something that makes you look attractive, well-dressed, not necessarily formal, but just well-dressed, basically what you would wear on a first date. And it's photographed roughly from the waist up, if not a full body shot, but waist up is good. And a portrait is you looking at the camera. Good lighting, natural lighting. So when you're taking a portrait, here's what I recommend you do. That first portrait should be the best photo you have, basically. A high-quality portrait that shows you your most attractive and dateable self. These first two, let's call it the first two photos, should be portraits. And these two photos are game changers. Nothing works better than a magnetic portrait. So the image should be sharp, crisp, clear. It should be bright and ideally shot with natural light, which tends to be much more

Starting point is 00:26:43 flattering than artificial light. You'll want to zoom in close and shoot you roughly from the waist or chest up. You want to look at the lens, because eye contact increases the sense of connection with your audience. And you want to smile a real smile, not a fake forced smile. So leave those smoldering glares to Zoolander. Probably going to come across not sexy and hot if you try to look like a model.

Starting point is 00:27:13 So make it a real smile. Dress first date great. In other words, no sweatpants, no ball caps, no cargo shorts, no exceptions. Think nice jeans, dark denim, button-down shirts, a polo maybe. Think leather jackets. A cool piece of outerwear is a great way to convey your attractiveness. A nice jacket. Upgrading your feature photo can have really dramatic results, these two portraits. So I had a client named Kevin, who's a very attractive, but not like model handsome, but an attractive, eligible, divorced healthcare worker in his 40s. And he was really struggling. Kevin was really struggling. He was getting no matches on Hinge. And the problem was I looked at his photos and his first photo was a shadowy,

Starting point is 00:28:05 grim-faced selfie that he snapped in his garage. He looked like Dexter in his kill room. And Kevin upgraded to a handsome, sunny outdoor shot taken in a park, put on a nice pressed powder blue button down, smiling right at the camera, good lighting, a real authentic smile. I can't stress that enough. It's got to be a real genuine smile coming from a place of genuine emotions, not a stiff, say cheese type of photo. And within a day, he had 14 matches he was excited about. Within a week, Kevin had over 100 matches on Hinge. And fast forward six months, he was in a great relationship with a woman he met on Hinge. So if you're going to put time and effort into photos, put most of your time and effort into those first two portraits. Hire a photographer if you can afford it.

Starting point is 00:29:05 Hire somebody with experience taking online dating portraits or social media portraits. You can Google online dating photos, Google social media photographers in your area, and find somebody who on their website has examples of them, of men looking well-dressed, looking at the camera, smiling, genuine, natural, authentic smiles, and well-dressed. And you basically want to end up with two really good portraits of you wearing two different outfits, two different vibes, because we don't want the first two photos of you on your portrait, sorry, on your profile to be the same outfit, same backdrop. For example, so the first one of you might be a leather jacket, jeans, and a button down, park behind you. And the second shot

Starting point is 00:30:02 might be a bit more formal, maybe a tie, maybe a blazer and a tie. And you're in a different setting, a cool setting, a bar or a restaurant. Or maybe you're on the beach. Maybe you're on the beach in a t-shirt and frisbee, surfing board, surfboard. It really depends on your lifestyle and how you want to convey the real best you. But put most of that effort into those first two portraits because those first two portraits are going to be responsible for 51 plus percent of your matches on the dating apps. Okay, that wraps up today's crash course in how online dating works and how you can quickly get more matches. Think of it as marketing. Think of it as what's in it for her and make sure that you are

Starting point is 00:30:53 making your profile, make it valuable to her, make it a pattern interrupter, and also make sure you've got really good portraits that show you at your best dressed and most dateable self. All right, that wraps it up today. Hey, if you want to talk with me about coaching, you can do a free consultation with me. Just go to datingtransformation.com and you can book a free call with me to find out if dating coaching is right for you. Hey, thank you so much for listening.

Starting point is 00:31:31 Remember, your future awesome, amazing girlfriend, she's out there. She just has to meet the real, authentic you. See you next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time. Produced by Heartcast Media.

How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - The Magic Move to Get Quality Online-Dating Matches

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