How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - The New Way to Confidently Approach and Connect with Women (Part 4 of 5)

Episode Date: November 21, 2024

Odds are, you see women you’d love to meet at bars, grocery stores or the gym, but you never approach them. Fear holds you back. You don’t know what to say, and you don’t want to seem creepy. It’s frustrating… but fixable! In this episode, host Connell Barrett—who has approached thousands of women in his 12 years as a dating coach—shares a new way to confidently meet women IRL. His Authentic Approach Technique will teach you exactly what to say to women, so you can get numbers and dates and find an incredible girlfriend. And you’ll talk to women with charm and authenticity, NOT with sketchy pickup tricks.In this episode, dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett will discuss:(2:35) The 3 Simple Ways to Approach Women Almost Anywhere(6:30) Why Women Hate Scripted “PUA” Tactics(7:15) Why Connell’s Authentic Approach Technique is Basically Rejection-Proof(8:05) The Night Connell Got 3 Numbers from 3 Wonderful Women(11:50) The Approaching Mistake that Gets You In Your Head(12:50) How to Meet Women Using a Power Compliment(16:42) The Mindset Shift that Destroys Approach Anxiety(19:42) How to Meet Women by Asking the Perfect Question(22:30) A Great Approach Opener to Use at the Gym(27:53) How to Meet Women with A Funny, Flirty Icebreaker(36:30) How to Be Authentically Attractive, NOT Creepy(41:15) How Connell’s Client Taylor Approached and Made Out with a Woman in Under 10 Minutes(43:49) Your Approach Mission for this EpisodeAre you ready to confidently meet women and get numbers and dates? Listen now!Quotes"Be the charming, authentic man who confidently sparks conversations anywhere. Your natural charm will have her telling her friends." - Connell Barnett"Use a genuine compliment, relevant question, or unique observation to initiate conversations." - Connell BarnettFOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO CONFIDENTLY FLIRT WITH WOMEN BY BEING AUTHENTIC (NO SKETCHY PICKUP MOVES NEEDED):http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactTO GET FREE ACCESS TO “THE FLIRTY 30,” 30 CHARMING QUESTIONS TO ASK WOMEN ON DATES, ON THE APPS, AND WHEN YOU APPROACH:http://www.datingtransformation.com/FLIRTY30

I'm pretty sure I started puberty watching Jennifer Beals dance in Flashdance. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach and author, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you confidently flirt with women and attract your dream girlfriend all by being authentic. No toxic pickup tricks needed. help you confidently flirt with women and attract your dream girlfriend all by being authentic. No toxic pickup tricks needed. Thank you for being here with me and for letting me be your dating coach for the next 30 minutes or so. And I'm wondering, do you sometimes struggle to approach a girl you might see out in the world? You'd love to talk to her, but you're

just not sure what to say. Maybe you're like me back in the day where you see a woman who just catches your eye at the gym or maybe in a bar or coffee shops back in the day for me, grocery stores, but you never or rarely ever approach because you just don't know what to say. You're not sure what to say to have it go well. And you're also afraid you might come off as awkward or maybe even creep her out. And I have been there. Let me tell you, I used to have the worst approach anxiety in the world. There's a story that opens my book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, about the very first night I ever went out to approach women. This was back in 2009. And I was so nervous, I actually had to go into the men's room stall at this club before talking to any women because I had a panic attack. I started

hyperventilating. I was so afraid of rejection. I was so afraid of not knowing what to say and how that was going to get me rejected. And I was just full of fear. So I know how you feel. And the good news is, though, that if I can get great at approaching and flirting with women, then so can you. And you don't need to be a dating coach with 12 years of coaching experience either to do it. You can just do it very, very soon, like tomorrow, tonight, this weekend. In this episode, I want to help you do that. I want to give you a really elegant, simple way to confidently talk to women anywhere. And I'm going to give you three simple approaching options. I'm not going to tell you exactly what to say, but I'm going to give you

three options. It's like choose your own adventure. When you see a woman, you not going to tell you exactly what to say, but I'm going to give you three options. It's like choose your own adventure. When you see a woman, you're going to have three simple options. You can choose the approach to approaching that you think is best for that moment. And this is going to make it easy for you to have conversations with women. And it's going to make it actually hard to get rejected. It's going to be difficult to get rejected. So you're always going to be able to know what to say. You'll be able to approach with growing confidence and not having to use these scripted, planned, pickup artist type lines.

I'm actually going to give you a really elegant sort of three-option framework that's going to teach you how to break the ice in a charming and spontaneous and, of course, authentic way. Because women don't want a pickup guy. They don't want good game. They don't want some robot who's reciting something they found on the internet. They want a spontaneous, real, genuine, present moment with a great guy like you, where sparks can just fly naturally. So let's do it. I call this authentic approaching. When you see a woman you want to meet, authentic approaching, as I'm about to share with you, this lets you choose from three ice-breaking options. Let's call them three different opening choices, so that you can talk to her in a really

genuine, natural way that women love. And this is, by the way, this is what I teach my clients. This is what I teach my guys when we go out into the field in New York City. Once or twice a month, I go out into the New York City nightlife and I play wingman for my guys. And this is exactly what I teach them to do. So I'm going to give you three approaching options that's going to tell you what to say. So you don't have to worry what to say. You'll know what to say and you won't have to plan anything. So here we go. Here's how my authentic approaching teaching works. When you see a woman you want to approach, you open the conversation in one of three ways, depending on the situation and what you size up. So option number one is you give her an authentic compliment.

You share something specific that you like about her. Her cool tattoo, the awesome leather boot she's wearing, the confident way she's walking. You just make sure that that compliment is authentic and also G-rated. That's option number one. Option number two is you ask her a relatable question. You ask her a genuine, relatable question. Ask her something you genuinely want to know, given the environment, or something that is a totally normal, relatable thing to ask. So for example, you're in line at Starbucks. You might say to her, hey, pardon me,

are you getting iced coffee or hot coffee? Could be as simple as that. That's a normal, relatable question to ask in the moment. And the third option is you share an interesting observation. You call out something unusual about the situation, and this is a great way to open as well. This is your third option. So you call out something unusual about the situation, and this is a great way to open as well. This is your third option. So you call out something unusual about her or the situation.

Like there was a time I noticed a woman holding a yoga mat in one hand while smoking a cigarette. I was in Miami. She was standing outside of a yoga studio, yoga mat in one hand, cigarette in the other. And I broke the ice by saying, ah, there's nothing like a smoke break after you crush the downward facing dog, right? Because I noticed that it's a little bit unusual for a woman to be a health nut, but also to be smoking.

So those are the three options. And it's really that simple. And you get to choose the option that feels best and feels right in the moment. And choosing one of these three avenues to break the ice, this is going to tell you what to say, and you don't have to plan it. You don't have to do what pickup guys do. You don't need to script out what you're going to say. That robs you of being spontaneous and in the moment. That makes you sound like a robot. You don't want to be some weird, fake, manipulative robot or some toxic alpha male who's using tactics to neg women, show them who's boss. That's toxic. It's gross. It doesn't work anyway. So my approach, my authentic approach, gives you three elegant, simple options. Here they are again. Number one, give an authentic compliment.

Number two, ask a genuine, relatable question. Number three, share an interesting observation. Now, the benefit of this philosophy is that it's really difficult to get your approach rejected this way. I mean, think about it. Most women are going to appreciate a sincere compliment, if you mean it, or they're going to expect a sincere compliment, if you mean it, or they're going to expect a genuine normal question. Or I should say they'll answer a genuine normal question as long as it's not weird and it makes sense. So this style is as close to anything that exists in the world of

dating advice that is rejection-proof. Nothing is is totally rejection proof, but it's as pretty close to rejection proof as you can get. So let me tell you a quick story. Let me tell you about the night I first really nailed these three options and saw what great results and how great it made me feel. So back in the day, I was, like I said, I was so nervous about approaching. I was so anxious. I didn't know what to say. I was afraid I was so nervous about approaching. I was so anxious. I didn't know what to say. I was afraid I'd be weird or creepy, and I thought I'd just get rejected a lot. So I went out, and I really struggled for about the first nine months, 12 months, when

I first started approaching women back in the late 2000s. But one night, I was at a rooftop lounge in New York City, and I had one of the best approaching nights of my life. I saw a beautiful brunette in a silvery dress. She looked like Jennifer Beals from the movie Flashdance. Jennifer Beals, Flashdance. She was my movie crush. I'm pretty sure I started puberty watching Jennifer Beals dance in Flashdance.

So anyway, I walk up to this woman and I give her an authentic compliment. I say, hey, you look just like the girl from Flashdance. She was my first big crush. And this woman's eyes light up and we have a drink. We dance a little bit. A little bit later, we end up kissing and making out on the dance floor. And I got her number for a date later that week. She ended up leaving that night with two friends. So she left with her friends, and I'm still at the bar. A little bit later, same venue, rooftop bar.

A little bit later, I turn, and I'm at the bar. And I turn and see this really pretty, petite, blonde woman standing next to me at the bar waiting for a drink. So I just turned to her, and I went with option number two. I asked her a question, a normal question that makes sense in the environment, which in that case, I believe I asked her, hey, what are you drinking tonight? Let me guess. You look like a Long Island iced tea girl, right?

She says, oh, no, no, I'm a tequila girl. We start talking about our favorite drinks. I don't remember. It's been a long time. I think I bought her a tequila shot. We have some drinks together, and I got her number as well. All I did was I went with option number two. I asked her a genuine, normal question that makes sense.

And then, as the night was winding down, I was already having a pretty great night. I kissed a really pretty girl who looked like Jennifer Beals. Oh my god. and then as the night was winding down, I was already having a pretty great night, right? I kissed a really pretty girl who looked like Jennifer Beals. Oh my God. And then I got a cute phone number from a really stylish, cool young woman, that petite blonde woman. And then later in the night, toward the end of the night, I noticed something unusual. I see two women who were doing like martial arts poses poses and they're mirroring each other in a bar, in a club. That's unusual. That's a slightly very strange thing to see in a bar.

So I walk over and I mirror their pose and I said, oh, I didn't know they taught karate here. And I made like a karate pose. And they found it funny as I called out the unusual thing that I was observing. And the three of us talked for a while. And the three of us ended up leaving the bar together. No, I'm not saying it was that good. It wasn't like I was with both of them. But one of the girls, her name is Lacey. I remember I really clicked with Lacey and ended up setting up a date with Lacey. And I left the bar with these two women. We ended up going to another spot for a drink. So what an amazing night, right? That was at the time maybe the best night I had ever had out approaching girls.

And the next day, my wingman, a guy named Brad, who was with me for part of the night, he said, Connell, you were on fire last night. Three different girls? Oh my God, how did you do it? How did you hit it off with all these different girls? And the answer to you, dear listener, is I used what I now call the authentic approaching method. I didn't call it that then.

I'm just a guy approaching girls at a bar. But I now look back and I realize, oh, you know what I did that night? I simply chose the right approaching option that each situation presented, and that told me what to say. That informed me what to say. So I didn't plan anything. I didn't use any scripted weird pickup lines. I'm just being really natural, really authentic. So when you see a woman you want to talk to, I want you to stop asking yourself the wrong question. Stop asking yourself, what do I say? What's the right thing to say? That's an understandable question, but it's not the right one to ask. A much better question is you take a look at that woman and you say, okay, that's a woman I

want to talk to. Which of the three authentic approaching openers or opening styles, which one should I choose? And you just choose one of the three. Compliment, a question, or an observation. And that's going to tell you what to say. You'll be able to confidently and competently approach and have a very high chance of a good conversation because these are, again, I'm not saying they're 100% rejection proof, but they're pretty, pretty close to being rejection proof.

Okay, let me walk you through some of the possible openers for all three of these natural approaching options. So option number one, again, is give an authentic compliment. Let me walk you through some of the possible openers for all three of these natural approaching options. So option number one, again, is give an authentic compliment. The secret here is you notice something that you like about her, okay, besides the obvious, besides her curves, besides her body parts, and you give her a specific genuine compliment. So you want to avoid general compliments like, hey, you have nice style or I like your energy or you look nice.

Don't be too vague. The more specific you can be, the better, within reason. So the more specific and the more genuine, the better it's going to go. Because women can feel when a guy is just full of shit and says something to try to talk to her. So you want to mean what you say, whatever it is. Just like I meant it when I walked up to Jennifer Beals Jr. and I told her, oh my god, you look like my crush from the 80s, Jennifer Beals. She could feel that I meant it and that authentic oomph helped really sell my approach. So anyway, here are some examples of the kinds of

specific compliments that I've used. Again, I'm not giving you these to practice rehearsed examples. I'm just giving you examples to let your mind understand how it would work. So for example, I've said these five things to different women over the years. Hey, I love that tattoo. That's a great design. Simple, right? Or, hey, excuse me, those are very stylish black leather boots. Very edgy.

I approached a woman once and I said, hey, I love your glasses. They're very retro and cool, but also nerdy. I approached a different woman. She was at a Whole Foods. She had a nose ring that I really liked. And I said, hey, that's a great nose ring. It's very early 90s, very grungy. And then one more example would be, I was at a bookstore, and I saw a really pretty woman in the fiction section.

And I said, oh, hey, it's nice to see that pretty girls still read actual books, especially literature. That's very impressive, I said. So I'm telling her she's pretty. I'm also saying she's smart. And I meant it, too. So those are some five quick examples. And again, you're not hitting on her. You're not hitting on her. You're just starting a conversation in a friendly way, but it's playful, and because you're a man and she's a woman, there's going to be at least a little bit of flirtatious context here.

We'll talk more about that in a different episode about how to make sure that you show that you are a man flirting with her, but for now, we just want to get you comfortable approaching girls and having conversations because that's the most important part, the open and getting into a conversation. Here's a bonus tip, by the way.

Again, you want to keep these compliments G-rated or PG-rated at most. You can and should compliment things like her style. And it's okay to say she's pretty. There's nothing wrong with that. But just beware of only complimenting a woman's looks. Don't just compliment her beautiful blue eyes or her gorgeous figure. Guys who do that, generally, for guys who only compliment or say good things about a woman's looks,

that comes off like a cat caller. That comes off as creepy to a lot of women or just not classy. So keep it classy, San Diego. Keep it classy. And here's a mindset that I think will help you both with your confidence and also help you just go out there and get excited to take some action. I call this, and this relates to the whole idea

of complimenting women, giving that authentic compliment. I call this the $20 theory of approaching. Here's a thought experiment. Imagine I give you five $20 bills and I told you to go out into the world and find five people and give each person a $20 bill, wanting nothing in return from them. How would that make you feel if I gave you that mission? Now, if you're like a lot of guys, you'd say, well, it's a little bit unusual, but I'd feel pretty good. I'd be able to give people a 20,

make their day better. And that would feel pretty good, right? be able to give people a 20, make their day better. And that would feel pretty good, right? It's unusual, but it's not weird. And most people would take your 20, most likely, I would assume. Now, what if I gave you a different mission to do? What if I said, I want you to go out, and I want you to find five strangers, and I want you to try to get these random people to give you a $20 bill.

Try to get these people to give you 20 bucks, people you don't know. How would that feel? And that would feel awful, right? You would feel like a taker. You would feel like maybe a vagrant, a beggar. You would feel like you're just a guy who's only out for himself. It would

probably feel really awful to you, and it would probably feel repellent to them. Imagine if strangers came up to you and said, hey, I know you don't know me, but can I have 20 bucks? You would probably be like, no, go away. Well, guess what? This is how the pickup guys teach good men like you to go approach girls, by making it about what you get, by trying to get something from women. And this feels awful. It feels awful to you, and it feels awful to women. So don't walk up to a woman with this idea of, I must get what I want. I must get her a phone number. I must get a date. I must get a result. It feels terrible. It's the equivalent of walking up and saying, hey, give me $20. It just feels terrible. And that's why it doesn't work. What I want you to do instead is I want you

to think of yourself as just handing out 20s. You're just handing out 20s, so to speak. 20s in the form of quick, genuine, sincere little compliments that you mean with good intention, with a good heart. It's a beautiful thing. It feels so much better. If you do nothing else from this episode and you just adopt this idea of the $20 theory of approaching and you just hand out 20s, so to speak, you're going to feel so much more confident.

It's going to go so much better because you're going to feel so much more confident. It's going to go so much better because you're going to feel like a load has been lightened. You're not going to feel like some creepy guy trying to take. You're going to feel like a generous guy who's just handing out 20s. So that's how I want you to think about giving these authentic compliments. You're just handing out 20s.

Who wouldn't take a 20? Free 20. I would take a free 20 from anybody. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you. And sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. But I escaped, using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book, Dating Sucks

But You Don't. And radicalical Authenticity is Why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

Okay, let's shift to number two, the second way to elegantly, authentically approach. Number two is, or the second option is, ask a genuine question. Ask a genuine, authentic question. Relatable question. Okay? Now, the secret here is you want to ask her a question that makes sense in the environment or given the context.

So this is going to change from place to place and context to context. This is why I don't teach canned rehearsed pickup lines. If you use a canned rehearsed pickup line, it's going to seem weird because it's not going to work in every place that you have that. I had a guy who, a former client, the very first intake call I did with him, he said, oh, here's how I approach women. I just walk up and I ask them what their favorite kind of coffee is. Well, that's great if you're at Starbucks. It's weird as hell if you're in an airplane lounge or if you're at a club on Saturday night or if you're at the gym. You're just randomly walking up asking what kind of coffee she drinks. He just didn't know what to say, so he went with that. This is a much better

way to do it. So you ask a genuine question based on where you are, what you observe, and the situation. So if you're at a grocery store, your question might be, hey, excuse me, what are you cooking for dinner tonight? That's a question that makes sense. If you're at a coffee shop and there's a really attractive woman standing next to you as you wait in line for your mocha double decaffeinated half-calf mocha karma karma chameleon latte, you might just look to your left and say, oh, excuse me, miss, what kind of coffee are you going to get today? Are you going to get iced or hot coffee? Just curious. That question makes total sense.

Only the most socially stunted woman, or maybe a woman who's just in a bad mood, only a very rare woman is going to be like, don't talk to me about coffee. That would be making her being the weird person. So yeah, you're at a coffee shop. Hey, are you going to do hot coffee or iced coffee today? Or here's a good way to do it. You ask her what you should get. Excuse me, miss.

Can I ask you your advice? Should I get a muffin or a brownie? What do you think? And all of a sudden, I've actually used this, works really well. One woman, I even said, no pressure, but I'm putting my nutritional future in your hands. So pressure's on. And that became kind of a fun little flirty back and forth we had. Let's say you're at the gym. You're at the gym, you're at the drinking fountain, and your gym crush just finishes her squats, and you're both at the drinking fountain. You might say, oh, hey, what

kind of workout are you doing today? Aerobic? Weight training? Yeah. What are you working on today? What a normal, relatable question to ask her. It's almost rejection proof. Now, what to say next, how to take it somewhere flirtatious, we'll talk about that in a separate episode. But the goal is just to get comfortable breaking the ice with women in different environments. And remember, because you're being radically authentic, because you're being that true best self that has value, you already have value to women. One of the biggest mistakes men make with approaching is they think their opener has to be incredible.

No, you're incredible. And because you're an incredible man, your opener can just be fine and it can work really well and get a woman into you. So don't think you need to make your opener amazing. You are already amazing. And that's what's going to make your average opener work really well with a lot of women who like your type. Okay. So another example of the, of the question, the relatable question opener, let's say you're at a cool fun bar or lounge on Saturday night and there's a big group of girls next to you at the bar. Again, don't ask yourself, what's the perfect thing to say? How do you open a five set? What did that creepy, weird, pickup YouTube douchebag tell me to do? Talk to this girl and neutralize that. No, screw all that. Just ask

yourself, what's a question that makes sense to ask them? Hey ladies, what brings you out tonight? Party? Bachelorette party? What's the occasion? That's going to work really well because you're going to commit to it, you're going to believe in it, and it's a normal thing to ask. Women just want to have a normal conversation with a normal cool guy. So be normal. Be authentic. That's why I go on and on so much about authenticity is women just want a regular, normal dude, an authentic dude. Here's a bonus tip about asking questions. ask open-ended questions rather than yes or no questions. Gravitate toward open-ended questions. Questions like why, as opposed to yes or no questions.

Because if you ask a yes or no question, then she might just say yes or no. You're at Trader Joe's. Oh, hey there. Do you shop here at Trader Joe's often? If she just says yes or no, that could be the end of the conversation. Because guess what? Women get stuck in their heads too with what to say. Women struggle with this too. But if instead of a yes or no question, you ask

the woman at Trader Joe's, so why do you come to Trader Joe's? Or what's the plan for tonight's dinner? What are you shopping for for dinner tonight here at Trader Joe's? That's a more open-ended question. So avoid yes or no questions if you can. Open-ended questions make it easier for her to dig a little bit deeper and have a bit more to say, which helps the conversation. One more bonus tip about this tip is I can already hear you. I can hear you say, hey, wait a minute, coach. Aren't I supposed to avoid interview mode? Shouldn't I avoid questions because I don't want to get stuck in interview mode? It's not interview mode to just ask a normal, genuine question. It's interview mode to ask 10 straight, boring, logical questions on a date. Don't do that.

But it's normal to ask questions. One of my pet peeves, I won't mention his name, but one of my former coaches is a pickup dude. And he used to always say, make statements, don't ask questions, make statements, statements, statements. And that's just not how humans talk. People don't talk just by making statements. It that's just not how humans talk. People don't

talk just by making statements. It's normal to ask each other questions. That's just human nature. So don't just be this weird statement-making machine, nor should you be a question-asking machine. Just think to yourself, it's totally fine and normal to ask a good, normal, relatable question. It shows good social skills, and it's just a confident, normal way to interact. Because remember, the purpose of an approach opener is not to create amazing sparks. That can happen, don't get me wrong. And in a separate episode, I'll talk all about more direct opens where you can say some things to help make those sparks happen. But for now,

just know that the main purpose of any approach is just to start a conversation with her. That's the main way to do it. Because you have to have a conversation before you're going to get a phone number and get a date. Okay. And let's go a little bit deeper on number three now, sharing an interesting observation. I love this one. The third option when you approach is my personal favorite, because when you call out an unusual or interesting observation the right way, it can lead to a really fun, playful opener. Here's where you get to start using your sense of humor and your observational skills. And by the way, the good news is you don't have to be the funniest guy in the room to have a funny icebreaker. You just have to notice something a little bit unusual

and share that observation. That can create something really fun, funny. So let me back up a little bit. So there's a concept in comedy. There's a comedy writing concept called the unusual thing. The idea is that when you're watching a movie or a TV show, when something unusual enters this normal reality, the juxtaposition of the unusual thing with the otherwise normal world creates a funny situation.

So for example, a man getting his excess hair waxed, it's fairly normal. It's not that weird. But when it's Steve Carell doing it in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and he screams out, Kelly Clarkson, and all these weird things he screams out, those, the weird things he screams out, that's funny because those things are unusual. He's calling out something unusual or let's take a snl maybe one of the most famous sketches

is is the um the more cowbell skit right it's actually pretty normal there's nothing funny about a rock band rehearsing a song what makes what makes it funny is when the manager insists more cowbell more cowbell more and more cowbell that's what makes it funny that's what makes it funny is when the manager insists, more cowbell, more cowbell, more, more cowbell. That's what makes it funny. That's what makes it an unusual thing. Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription is more cowbell.

So how does this relate to what we're talking about here? When you observe something unusual involving a woman who you would love to approach, the third option is look for something unusual that you notice, that you can call out and just mention it. And this can make for a very fun, playful opener. So I'll give you a couple of examples. A while back, I was at a bookstore and I saw a really attractive woman, probably a tourist, who was unfolding a paper map. A big paper map. That's unusual. Who uses paper maps in the 2020s? I hadn't seen a paper map in over a decade. So that's the unusual thing.

So I approached her by saying, hey, excuse me. I see you have a paper map. Are you a time traveler? Are you from the 80s? Is your DeLorean parked out back? Next Saturday night, we're sending you back to the future. And she started laughing. So I followed this thread of calling out the unusual thing and using that as a funny icebreaker,

pointing out the unusual thing. Here's another example. I was at a coffee shop once on a Saturday afternoon, and I noticed next to me at the milk and sugar counter, I noticed this woman putting four or five packs of sugar in a giant iced coffee, just pouring in tons of sugar. That's unusual. One or two sugars is usual. Five or six is unusual. So I said, oh, hey, I see that you take a little bit of coffee with your sugar. She chuckled and laughed. It was a really nice little light way to start our conversation. So those are a couple quick examples. Oh, and then the other example I used before. Remember, I see this woman with a yoga mat in one hand

and a cigarette in her other hand. That's unusual. So I, yeah, made a joke about downward facing. Nothing like a Marlboro Red after your downward facing dog. And just the fact that I'm calling out the unusual thing, it gives your approach, there's something about calling out the truth that makes a woman say,

yeah, you got me, you got me. Not you got her in a gotcha way, more like you're just calling out something that is truthful, but that neither of you had really noticed. Here's one more example. By the way, the observational opener doesn't always have to be funny. In fact, it might just be something that's unusual that is a good conversation starter. So another example from a coffee shop is I was once at a coffee shop and seated at the coffee shop was a woman and she had a big sticker on her laptop of the band They Might Be Giants.

I'm a They Might Be Giants fan from going way back, one of my favorite bands. So I simply noticed that that's unusual. It's unusual for me to notice that kind of thing, a band, a sticker of that band. That's a little bit unusual. So I just said, hey, wow, I love your They Might Be Giants sticker. That's so cool. And her eyes lit up and she smiled. She said, yeah, I love them. And I said, oh, what's your favorite song? We talked about our favorite They Might Be Giants songs. So that wasn't a funny opener. Think of being funny and playful as a bonus when you notice something unusual, but it's not required.

And by the way, one final point about the third option, observing something unusual, is it's not always going to happen. You're not always going to find something unusual to observe and call out. So don't expect that to happen. I typically lean, my clients and I typically lean on the first two options, the authentic compliment, which you can always find something about her that you'd like, or a question that makes sense. The observation is something that will arise often, but not every time. So don't feel like you have to force it. That's sort of one to just notice when you notice it.

Okay, let's take a really quick break. We'll be right back. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's going to help you flirt with confidence. Because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt, right? Well, let's fix that. I'm going to give you what I call the flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently

connect with cool, sexy women starting today. It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are going to make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to datingtransformation.com slash flirty 30 and that's F-L-I-R-T-Y 3-0. Datingtransformation.com slash flirty 30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty30. Okay, and we're back.

Okay, here's a quick thought experiment. I want you to imagine a stylish, attractive woman sitting in a cafe. Because what I'm going to do is give you a situation, a scenario, and we're going to run through how these three authentic approaching styles could play out. So imagine a really attractive woman. I'll paint a picture for you. She's in the cafe. She's drinking an iced coffee.

She's got a cat tattoo on her right bicep. She's reading a book. She's reading bicep. She's reading a book. She's reading an actual physical book, a Stephen King book. There you go. There's our scenario. Now, here's the old way. Here's the wrong way to approach her that you've probably been going about it this way. The old way is, let me try to think of something perfect and funny and witty that'll create

instant attraction and not get me rejected. But of course, you probably can't think of anything like that, so you don't even talk to her. Or the other old way is you have some prepared canned line that you got from some jackass on YouTube who doesn't know what he's talking about, and you just sound robotic. And that's no good either. That's the old way. Here's the new way. The new way is what you and I've been talking about. The new way is that you use the authentic approaching kind of framework that I've been talking about. And basically what this means is that you are in touch with your worth. You're more than enough. A lot of women

are going to like you just because you have value. What you say doesn't have to be amazing. You are already amazing. What you say is just an extension of who you are. So then you look at her and you decide to give her an authentic compliment. You might say, excuse me, miss, that's a really cool cat tattoo. I like the design and I like the colors that you chose. And she responds really well to this because guess what?

She put a lot of time into that tattoo. She thought about it. She planned it. She went and paid for it. And she can also feel that you're being genuine. And you're also complimenting her about something that's really important to her. And she likes the fact that you're not hitting on her. Sure, you might be interested, but you're not staring at her body.

You're not saying something vulgar. You're talking about her cat tattoo. So you're breaking the ice in a warm, real way. Now let's try the same. Let's approach the same woman. Let's use number two, asking a genuine question. Let's say you notice she's drinking that, what was it, iced coffee, I said? Let's say she's drinking an iced coffee.

You say, hey, excuse me, I see that you're drinking an iced coffee. Are you normally an iced coffee drinker, or do you ever drink hot coffee? Just curious. So simple, right? Look, I'm not saying this is amazing. I'm not saying this is the world's greatest content. It doesn't have to be. You just start a conversation in a normal, relatable way.

And by the way, what's more normal and less creepy than talking about coffee in a coffee shop? So that's number two, asking a genuine question. And let's go with number three, sharing an interesting observation. Let's say that you notice the Stephen King book, okay? And I'm recording this here in November. Spooky season's over.

It's not really the time of year. It's getting into the holidays now. Let's say that you notice this woman reading her Stephen King book. And you'd think that's a little bit unusual because spooky season's over. It's also kind of unusual that somebody reads an actual physical book. Like who the hell reads actual physical books? That's more and more unusual. So you might walk over to her and say, hey, pardon me. I see that you're actually reading a real book. That's so cool. That's very old school of you. I love that. And you might crack a joke based on the idea of her liking old school things. Do you use a VCR? Do you drive a 57 Chevy?

You could do that. Or maybe you go with the idea that she's reading a horror book. She's into spooky season, even though it's not spooky season anymore. You might say, hey, I noticed that you're reading a Stephen King book and it's not even Halloween anymore. And she might say, oh yeah, well, I just like scary stuff, no matter what the time of year is. So you might say, oh, well, interesting. Do you open your Christmas presents in January? You could play a little game. If this unusual thing is true, that she likes scary books after spooky season, maybe she likes Christmas presents in February. Or maybe she hunts for Easter eggs in July. So you could follow that line of playful banter.

So yeah, that's an example of kind of running one approach through these three different ways of doing it. Bottom line is the authentic organic style of approaching that we've been talking about. It just feels so much better to women and it feels good to you because not only is it not creepy, but you actually have the chance to give a woman a rom-com movie moment. Because think about it. If you're the 400th guy who swiped right on a woman's Tinder or Hinge profile that week, she's not even going to notice you.

But if you're that one charming, authentic gentleman who had the courage and confidence to break the ice in the real world at the coffee shop or in the frozen food section, you chatted in a light way, and you just allowed your natural chemistry to win her over, she's going to text her girlfriends. She's going to say, oh my God, I just met the coolest, most charming guy.

We started talking. I'm just standing there shopping for frozen peas in the grocery store. And next thing I knew, I'm chatting with him. I'm giving him my number. It was like out of a movie. And then if you end up dating this woman and she becomes your girlfriend, guess what? For the rest of your relationship, every time somebody asks the two of you, so how did you two meet? Which you will be

asked a hundred times, I promise you that, by your friends and people you meet. She is going to smile and she's going to be able to say, well, it's actually a great story. He just came right up to me and he asked me, he complimented me about my really cool Chuck Taylors I was wearing. And we started talking about clothes and sneakers. And next thing I know, I'm giving him my number and we were on a date. I thought it was so impressed. It was like a movie. So anyway, this works. This is exactly what women want. And it's a great way to know exactly what to say without planning what you're going to say. I know it's a little scary.

You like to know what you're going to say? Let go of that. Embrace uncertainty. Embrace spontaneity. This is how we give women those magical, it just happened moments that they love and that have become so, so rare in our Tinder and online dating world. So yeah, give her that gift of meeting a great guy, the authentic, awesome you. Okay, here's a bonus tip.

I like putting a little cherry on top at the end of every episode. Here's one more bonus tip. Here's a quick tip on how to never run out of things to say. I want you to follow the simple rule. This idea of whatever I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing. A simple philosophy. Literally speak your thoughts. If you're not sure what to say to a woman, then say exactly what you're thinking,

even if you don't sure what to say to a woman, then say exactly what you're thinking, even if you don't know what to say. Here's a quick client success story. I have a client I used to work with, a great guy named Taylor. Taylor is a very successful person in the entertainment world out in California. And Taylor and I worked together, and he was so in his head about, I don't know what to say when I approach. What do I do? What do I say? What do I say? What do I say? And he was so worried about saying the right thing. And I took him out one night and I said, I just want you to literally say whatever's on your mind. And what was on his mind that night mostly was, hi, I'm Taylor and I

don't know what to say to you. So I said, guess what? That's going to be your opener tonight. So he did literally two approaches. He walks over to a really cute girl. Two female friends are hanging out. He walks over to the girl he's into, and I said, there's your opener. Go do it. He walks over and says, hey, hi, I just saw you and I don't know what to say. She smiles. She said, what? Whatever. How are you? How's your night? They started laughing and talking. And then he relaxed because he was in the conversation. And five minutes, maybe 10 minutes later, they were making out at this bar. This is like on a Friday night, midnight, right? They're making out at a bar. His opener was, hi, I don't know

what to say to you. I'm Taylor. That was his opener. Nothing fancy. She barely even heard what he said. Here's what she noticed, though. She noticed that this genuine, cool, charming guy was walking up, being sociable, being raw, being himself, being real, with good intentions. And next thing you know, they're having a steamy bar make out. So anyway, your lesson here is to follow this idea of literally speak your thoughts. If you're in your head because pretty girls make you nervous, look at her and say, oh, hey, sorry. Pretty girls make me nervous. I get nervous sometimes. Oh my God, that kind of vulnerability? That's like Hugh Grant rom-com movie adorableness. Women love that. Women love that. Okay, here's your mission for this episode. Remember, pretty much every episode ends with me

giving you a mission to do in the real world. Because you don't want to just consume information. You want to go out and take action. Information is overrated. Action is underrated. So here's your mission this week to go take action. I want you to go out three times this coming weekend. And I want you to approach three women. And I want you to approach three women, and I want you to simply apply

the three ideas, I should say choose one of the three ways I've given you to approach women and break the ice. So three times this weekend, I want you to see a woman who you want to talk to, a woman whom you don't know, but you find is attractive and intriguing, and walk up to her and size up the situation and either, one, give her a genuine specific compliment that's G-rated, or two, ask her a question that makes sense based on where you are and what's happening in the environment. And option three is to observe something unusual about her or what's going on, and use that. That is your mission, okay? Yeah, so we have one more really amazing special episode

in this week's five-part series all about how to help you get a great girlfriend, get on that path to finding a great girlfriend. This was episode four. Coming up is a very special episode. It's special because I'm going to be co-hosting the episode with my girlfriend, Jessamyn. My girlfriend, Jess, is going to join me in the next episode. We're going to talk all about our first date.

Because now you know all about the power of being radically authentic. You know how to flirt with women using man-to-woman communication. You know how to get some dates and some success on the dating apps with openers. You know how to text women. You know how to approach and how to break the ice and have some dating leads through all the different ways you can get some dates. Now, for the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast, I thought it made sense to have my girlfriend on and say, hey, babe, how did I get you? How did I attract you? So in the next episode, you're going to meet my amazing girlfriend, Jessamyn. We're going to talk all about how she and I first met, how we connected, and the things I did well, and maybe some things I didn't do well on our first date.

And she's also going to give you so much great insight about what a quality, beautiful, wonderful woman is looking for in a man, and some great tips and do's and don'ts on first dates. So please check out the next episode. I'm so excited to talk with my girlfriend, Jess. She's my schmoopy, I love her if you liked this episode please leave me a review

or share the episode with a guy who needs a little dating help if you didn't like this episode I can take it, give me some feedback tell me what I can do better I just want to serve you think of me as your coach I am your hitch here on the podcast, and I just want to help you. So any feedback from you to me, I'm happy to listen to.

And remember, your dream girlfriend, she's out there, and she is going to love you. But she has to meet the real, authentic you. So go out there, take authentic actions. Carpe datum. Seize the date. Till next time.