How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - The Power of Presence: 6 Ways to Get Out of Your Head and Flirt with Charm

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

You know what’s frustrating? When you’re talking to an attractive woman—say, on a date or at a social event—and you get stuck in your head. You overthink. You judge yourself. You worry, “What do we talk about next? What if I run out of things to say?” This hurts your confidence and leads to awkward conversations. Yikes.Well, those days are over. It’s time to unleash the power of presence! Dating coach Connell Barrett has had over 1,000 dates, and in this episode of the Dating Transformation podcast, he unveils 6 tested moves to help you get out of your head and into the present moment… so you can have fun, flirty dates and stimulating conversations.Listen now, and give her a present: your presence!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC: www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Quotes"Lower the conversational bar when talking to women. You're just chatting, not doing standup comedy or a TED Talk." -Connell BarrettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite: https://datingtransformation.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:00 - Introduction02:12 - The Science of Staying in the Moment00:43 - Overcoming Overthinking When Talking to Women03:06 - Impress Women on Dates with Confidence08:37 - Simplify: Uncovering Your Natural Wit11:10 - Authentic Conversations: Lowering the Pressure and Being Yourself15:11 - Promote Positivity: Avoid Sharing Negative Thoughts and Feelings19:44 - Engaging Conversation: Exploring the University of Texas20:54 - Making Connections: The Impact of Active Listening23:10 - Focus on Her Happiness in Dating26:52 - Elevate Conversations with Backup Topics28:08 - The Comfort of a Conversation Safety Net31:17 - OutroProduced by Heartcast Mediahttps://www.heartcastmedia.com

That's hard to say. Back pocket topic. Back pocket topic. Say that wearing tight pants. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain a lot of confidence, get great dates, and find an incredible girlfriend. And do it all with authenticity, what I call radical authenticity, showing women the real best you. No toxic masculinity bullshit, no pickup artist seduction tricks. It's about being real because guess what? Women already like you for you, for the authentic you. And today I want to help you fix one of the biggest problems that you

probably battle, which is getting stuck in your head when talking to a woman, a woman you find attractive, especially on dates and in those initial conversations. Say you've struck up a conversation with a girl at a party or a bar. You probably struggle with getting stuck in your head, not knowing what to say, judging what you say, and this can lead to awkward silences. It can hurt your confidence, and it can lead to conversations that just end in a very uninspiring whimper or first and second dates that end with her saying, hey, it was nice meeting you, but I don't know. I just didn't feel a spark and we don't want that to happen. So I want to help you always know what to say and essentially awaken a confident present self. And here's how we're going to do it today. Today I want to share with you five simple practical ways to be fully present when on a first date or talking to a woman

you're into or people in general, by the way. This is not just about dating, but we're obviously focused on your dating success. I want to help you become very present because guess what? When you are truly in the moment, riding a present moment, a wave of a present moment with a woman, guess what? When you're out of your head, when you're not thinking ahead or worried about what you just said, when you're truly present with her, that's what brings out your best sense of humor. That's what makes you your wittiest and most charismatic and in the moment with her. And it's when you get really powerfully present that a woman says,

wow, there's something about this guy. He's just so in the moment. He's funny. He's cool. I love talking with him. And that's what makes a woman say, I want to see him again. Because he's funny. He's confident. He just knows what to say. And we want to do this from a very present place. So this episode is about how to get powerfully present on a date. And take it from me, a dating coach, when I first got into this world 18 years ago, it was 18 years ago when I first started actively working on my dating life, 2005. And I would go on a first date, and I would have all these things written down, like lines that I thought were cool, things I found on the internet, stories I wanted to tell. I remember on one date,

I excused myself about halfway through the first drink because I kind of thought I'd run out of things to say. And I went into the bathroom because I had a piece of paper in my back pocket that I unfolded. And I was like, okay, yeah, talk to her about this, the class you took, the trip you took, and ask her about X, Y, Z. And I had a bunch of also scripted lines, funny, quote, unquote, witty things to say. And I now look back on that and I think, oh man, I can't believe I was trying to do that. Because once I got away from scripting and planning what I was going to say, and instead I got really powerfully present with a woman. I did not have to have any notes. I did not need to memorize anything because, hey, it's a first date. It's not a geometry test or a history test

or an essay test. It's a date. You want to be really present. And once I got really good at and clear on how to be really present with women, my dates went so much better. My approaches, when I started approaching, that went so much better. My approaches, when I started approaching, that went so much better. Because the coolest, funniest, most charismatic, most amazing thing to say, it's not something you've read on the internet. And it's not something you script ahead or plan. It's something that arises in the moment. And that's what awakens your best, most confident

self. So here are five ways to be powerfully present on dates, more confident, more funny, more in the moment. And by the way, even if you're not the world's funniest guy, even if you don't come up with the greatest things ever she's ever heard, that's more than enough to have a really good first date. Remember, women are not looking for a stand-up comedian. You don't have to be like whatever movie or TV character who you aspire to be. You don't have to be as witty and funny as Hank Moody on Californication, or you don't have to say what some pickup artist says on some crappy YouTube channel. You don't have to memorize and plan. You just have to get present and channel

your true, most true, real personality through the lens of presence and reasonable confidence. So here we go. Here are five ways to be more present and more confident and attractive on first dates and in those first conversations with women. Tip number one is lower the bar for how good you think your conversation has to be. Lower that conversational bar. You're on a date. You are not doing a TED Talk. You're not doing a stand-up comedy routine. You are just talking to another person. So lower the bar. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend.

Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun.

Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. It doesn't have to be the most amazing content. You're not going to bore her.

As long as you're getting present and you're being authentically expressive and flirting a little bit, giving her some good emotions, you don't have to have some crazy high bar for being funny. I have a couple of clients who have made a couple of big breakthroughs in this area. I have one client, Jerry. And Jerry came to me because he thought, oh my God, I don't know what to say. I don't have funny stories. I'm not witty. I'm not hilarious. And I said, well, he's talking about first dates. And I said, well, who are you trying to model yourself after? Who are you trying to be like? And he said, oh, I want to be like Conan O'Brien, funny, Craig Ferguson. He used to host a talk show on CBS and he named a couple other like professionally funny people.

And I said, dude, Jerry, she doesn't want to date with Conan O'Brien. She doesn't want to date with a professional comedian. Lower the bar for how good you think your conversation has to be. And I said, just keep it about you and keep it about her and find out what makes her tick and keep the conversation light, but lower the bar. And he did that. And Jerry went out on a couple of dates and he reported back to me and he said, oh my God, I felt so much more comfortable and confident. He said he felt like he had a load of bricks. He felt so much pressure to be amazingly witty and charismatic. Paradoxically,

once you lower the bar for how good your conversation needs to be, then paradoxically, you're actually going to become a more compelling conversationalist because the pressure's off. And let me give you an example from your life. I want you to tell me, or I can't hear you. You don't have to literally tell me, but I want you to think to yourself, I just forgot that you can't talk to me through this podcast. Answer this question to yourself. Who in your life are you very comfortable and confident around? Who is that? Who are a couple people? Is it your best friend? Is it some guy friends? Maybe it's family. Just think to a couple people. Think about a couple people in your life, people you're around, and you're just confident,

comfortable, great conversationalist. Think about these people, okay? How much pressure do you put on yourself to be interesting to them, to impress them? Probably none. Probably next to no one or next to no pressure. So think about how you are with your best guy friends or a good female friend or your brother or sister. And notice how, you know what? Notice how actually you're already expressive and interesting enough as it is. And that's because you've lowered that bar for how good the conversation needs to be. Paradoxically,

that allows your most authentic, attractive, conversational self to come out. And you get present with them because you're not straining to hit some sky-high bar for conversational articulate or funny. So tip number one is lower the bar. Just keep the conversation about you, about her, keep the topics light, and that's going to be enough for a given date to go well. Okay, tip number two to be powerfully present is adopt this philosophy. What I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying. I'll repeat that. What I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and sharing. So be less and less filtered. Chances are you're filtering your conversation through this lens of, is this funny enough? Is this good enough? Is this interesting enough? Does she like this? Get rid of that filter. Filter it through the

lens of, how do I feel? What do I want to share? What am I feeling and thinking? And just share it and express it. So for example, I remember years ago, I was in Las Vegas taking a dating program as a student of one of my many mentors. And I walked up to some women at a bar club in Vegas, and my coach could tell I was trying to be funny. I was straining. And he whispered in my ear, he said, don't be fake. Just say what's on your mind. If you're not feeling in the zone, tell her you're not in the zone. And I reset. And I remember walking up to this girl and I said, hey, what's up? I just got here. I'm kind of in my head. I'm not even in the zone yet. And she said, oh my God, me neither. I'm not, you know, I'm not either. I just got here too. How are you? And she was really friendly and it went really well. And I just basically in that moment, I let go of the need, the desire to say cool, impressive game lines. And so similarly, just literally say what you're thinking and feeling. So for example, let's say you're on a first date.

Let's say in those first five or 10 minutes, you're a little bit nervous. Got butterflies. Don't hide that. Feel free to say to her, oh, by the way, I'm actually kind of nervous right now. I got butterflies because I've been excited to meet you. So anyway, I just wanted to say that. Think how vulnerable that sounds. Think how refreshing that would be to a woman. I'm not saying do this as a move, although it is a good move. I'm saying do it because it's honest,

it's authentic, it's genuine. And when your thoughts and your words and your expression aligns on the outside with what you're feeling inside, a really beautiful thing happens. You enter into the term I learned is congruence. You become aligned. You can become congruent. You're not hiding anything. You're not trying to be somebody you're not. You're just saying, hey, what's up? I'm feeling kind of nervous because I was excited to meet you.

So that's out there. Or I've literally said this to girls. I've said, hey, sorry, that last story was rambling. What can I say? Pretty girls make me nervous. I remember I started saying that to women. And I noticed how they would kind of giggle and be like, oh, really? You think I'm pretty? And they found it like adorable and endearing. So bottom line is tip number two, live and date and talk by the philosophy of what I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm expressing. Now, try to keep it positive. If you're feeling really negative, if your dog just died, if your boss just gave the big promotion to somebody else and you're in a pissy mood, don't share that. Be an open book, not an open wound. So we want to keep things positive.

It is a date, by the way. You want to bring good mojo to a date. But that said, otherwise, be really congruent. Say what you're thinking and feeling, as long as it's not super negative. And you can keep doing that throughout a date. You know what? If the vibe is really good, you guys get to a sexy, fun, romantic place on the date, you can dial up that expressiveness. You can start letting her know, hey, by the date, you can dial up that expressiveness. You can start letting her know, hey, by the way, you were really sexy. You were, oh my God, your laugh, your laugh is so, it's so attractive. Every time you laugh, I feel like I'm in a rom-com movie with a lead actress.

And so you can just keep expressing those real thoughts. You don't need to constantly hit her with quote unquote good content. Just hit her with the truth. Hit her with authenticity. Hit her with your authentic self. And that will get you so much farther than planning what you're going to say. Okay. Tip number three. I love this one. This is a great tip I learned doing improv. Tip number three is when you're having a conversation, if you want to get really present, or if you're in your head and you're kind of stuck in your head, then in the conversation, repeat back to her the last few words she said as you say what you're going to say. This forces you to listen to her. It forces you. So it's easy for me to say, listen, be a good listener. Well, how do we do that? You listen and then prove to her that you're listening by repeating the last few words back that she said.

And this will get you present in a hurry, in a heartbeat. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can

confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. So again, imagine you're at a bar. You just started talking to a woman.

It's only been a couple minutes. You're kind of in your head. You're not sure how it's going. You can feel yourself thinking, overthinking. Just take a moment and say, repeat her last three words back to her. And you say, oh, so where'd you go to college? And she says, oh, I went to UT in Texas. I'm a Longhorn. And then you would say, oh, you're a Longhorn. Okay. And then add something to that. How do you feel about University of Texas?

Or how do you feel about the name Longhorn? Or that you might just simply follow up with a question that makes sense. What year did you graduate from Texas? How did you feel? How did you like going to that school? But you simply repeat those words back to her. It shows her that you're being present. It also centers you in the present moment. So another example would be what's a really common first date topic, her job, right? So she says to you, let's say she's a

registered nurse. She says, oh yeah, I'm a registered nurse. I focus on pediatrics. And you said, oh, no way, really? You focus on pediatrics. Okay. You've just signaled to her that you're listening, which she's going to love. And then you're going to say to yourself, all right, what do I want to share with her? Or what do I want to ask her about her career as a registered nurse? Why pediatrics? Why did you choose that? You could ask her that. Or maybe you say, oh, cool, you're a registered nurse. Let me ask you a question. Is being a registered nurse anything at all like it is on Grey's Anatomy, like it is on a TV show, or is that totally off base?

And then she'll say whether it is or it isn't. And then you can repeat those last three or four words back to her. This is a listening exercise that I learned taking improv classes, and it works incredibly well on dates. It also works really well in your business life with friendships, with any conversation you're having with somebody. So if you find yourself getting stuck in your head, repeat those last three words back. And yeah, I can hear you right now. Okay, Connell, I'll repeat those last three words back. You're already doing it. Fantastic. Okay, let's go with tip number four. Use this phrase. Tip number four is use this phrase when responding to something she said.

Start sentences this way. That must have felt blank. And then fill in the blank. So take in whatever she just said and then throw back toward her, at her. Oh, really? Well, that must have felt blank. And then so this forces you to listen to her. This does two really powerful things. One is it forces you to listen to her so you can tell her and make some sort of assumption about what something must have felt like. Okay.

So for example, on my very first date with my girlfriend, she told me about a car accident she had years earlier with her brother. And I don't remember the exact words I said to her, but I think I said something like, whoa, no way. You got hit by a truck pulling out of nowhere and the car turned over? Whoa, that must have felt so scary. That must have been so horrifying. I'm glad you're both okay. And so I'm just giving back a few.

I'm sorry, I'm listening. Showing her I'm listening by leading her to a place of feelings. Now, why am I instructing you to say that must have felt? Because on a date, women are looking to feel something much more than they're looking to get into a logical informational conversation. The core emotional vibe of a date is to feel good feels, right? She's not looking for facts and figures. She's looking to feel good feelings with you, ideally romantic feelings. And so by listening to her and saying how something must have felt, then you're teeing her up to talk about whatever the topic is from an emotional last summer. She did a European tour. And she's talking about some of the sites she saw in Rome. And she's talking about, oh, she's in front of the Trevi fountain throwing coins in the fountain. You can say, actually, you can combine techniques here.

You can repeat the last couple of words back. Whoa, you got to throw coins in the chubby fountain. That must have felt. And then just go into your mind. How might that have felt to her? It must have felt incredible. That must it felt. Oh yeah, it felt incredible. So just listen to what she says. And when she's talking about something that has feelings associated with them, ideally positive feelings, just throw back this concept of, oh, that must've felt blank. By the way, here's a bonus tip that helps make you more present and it makes you more attractive in general to women is feel free to start a lot of sentences with the words, well, here's how I felt, or here's how I feel about dot, dot, dot, whatever the topic is. There's something about feel-based communication that works so much better on dates than logical informational-based information. To quote another dating expert, logic is the opposite of romance. We want emotionally fueled sentences. We want our

sentences to be emotionally infused and fueled. And a good way to infuse your sentences with compelling good emotions is to start them by saying, well, here's how I feel. I just took the XYZ trip and here's how I felt about it. It felt amazing, incredible, scary, exciting. So yeah, talk using the word feels a lot. Okay. And let's go with a fifth. One more tip here for being really present. Have a back pocket topic. Have a back pocket topic you can use on dates. Boy, that's hard to say. That's hard to say. Back pocket topic. Back pocket topic. Say that wearing tight pants. It's not easy. Have a back pocket topic because you know what? There might be a moment when you do, quote unquote, run out of things to say. And running out of things to say, it's something that's very easy to fix. We've already

taken big steps toward fixing it by having you lower the bar for how good the conversation has to be. Because the reason you run out of things to say is mainly because you're trying to say amazing things that are incredible content. But let's say you still get stuck in your head and aren't sure what to say. A great way to stay present on the date is just have one back pocket topic that you can ask her about or talk about. It can be anything. Plan it in advance. I don't teach or recommend scripting anything you're going to say, but I do recommend having one back pocket topic that you can always go to. It's kind of like in case of emergency, break glass and grab that back pocket topic, right? So you could find out something. Just plan something that's a good topic to ask her about

or to talk about. You could probably find it. If this is an online dating match, you could definitely find something on her profile. I remember dates where I had, I'm sitting in the bar, waiting for her to walk in, and I'm like, oh shit, don't forget, back pocket topic. And I jump on her profile and I notice how she talks about medical school. Cool. I'm going to ask her about medical school. Or she talks about her love of skiing or tennis or some given sport. I'm just going to ask her about it. Or at least I'll be ready to. Here's the great thing about having a back pocket topic. You might not even get to it. And that's totally fine. The back pocket topic is that safety net. And having that safety net gives your brain the certainty and the confidence that it needs,

that you want, so that you can feel a lot more comfortable just shooting the shit and getting really present with her. So the nice thing about the back pocket topic is if you need it, boom, break the glass, get the topic out, you're good. You will not run out of things to say. But the benefit is you probably won't even need that back pocket topic because it's there and it's only there in case you need it.

So have a back pocket topic. And here's one more bonus tip. One more bonus tip that I highly recommend you do is take an improv class. Ideally in person, although there are definitely online improv courses you can take. But if you live in or near a relatively large metro area, you'll probably be able to find an improv school. Take at least one one-time, one-off improv class. Improv comedy will help you get funnier, help you get much more present. It'll turn you into a fun, playful, quick, present listener. And that is a skill set that's going to serve you so well on dates and when you approach a woman. So those are your five. I think we ended up having six, six tips on being more present. And you know what? It's okay to give yourself time to get better at this. Getting present, being in the

moment with somebody, with a woman, it's okay to allow yourself to improve in small bits and pieces. If you get stuck in your head, if you run out of things to say once or twice, don't beat yourself up. Don't judge yourself. Just keep practicing these core tenets, especially lower the bar for how good you think you have to be, your conversation. And listen, repeat those last few words back to her. That'll make you more present. And ask her and tell her how, oh, wow, what you just said, that must have felt blank when that happened. Get out there, take some action. Don't just listen to podcasts. Don't just watch YouTube videos. Actually go out there, approach women, go on dates if you can. If you can get them, go on them. Go out and socialize.

Practice being present with the people in your life. Remember, the reason why you're so confident and comfortable around people you already know, friends, family, parents, is you're not trying to impress them. You're just being authentic. You're just being yourself. Do the same thing on dates. Do the same thing with approaching. And you'll start to become a lot more present, more confident, and let me know how it goes.

All right, thank you so much for listening. Until next time. And remember, your dream girlfriend, she's already out there. She already likes you. She just has to meet the real you. Until next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com see you next time produced by heartcast media