How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - The Right Way to Approach Women, with Confidence and Charm

Episode Date: August 4, 2023

You often see intriguing women in bars, cafes, or at the gym, and you WANT to talk to them, but fear holds you back. You think, “What if I creep her out? What if she rejects me?” This anxiety feels paralyzing, and is costing you confidence and romance.Real talk: If you can’t walk up to a woman and flirt, you have room to grow as a man. So… let’s fix it!In this episode of the Dating Transformation podcast, dating coach Connell Barrett shares the No. 1 way to approach women in a confident way that gets GREAT reactions. He also shatters a HUGE myth about approaching, so you can start meeting and dating some wonderful women, and do it with authenticity and integrity. Listen now!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC:www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Quotes"You should approach women the way you approach life: with authenticity, courage, and empathy for women. Women love courageous, authentic, empathetic men"- Connell Barrett"You gotta fully commit, be vulnerable, and always be authentic. Put your real, authentic self out there, and that's the best way to spark and interact."- Connell BarrettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite: https://datingtransformation.comInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:36 - Introduction01:29 - Fearless Approach: Expanding Dating Options03:18 - Embracing Rejection: Full Commitment in Approaching09:30 - Positive Encounters: Power of Smiles and Greetings11:51 - Embrace the Risk: Safe Approaching Strategies12:38 - Apologies vs. Confidence: The Impact on Approaching14:40 - From Great Conversations to Bold Actions16:24 - Authentic Connections: Taking Safe Risks19:04 - Unleash Your Character: Maximum Fun at Nightclub21:26 - Quick Connections: Getting Her Number in 10 Minutes22:35 - Outro

And if you're struggling on the apps and struggling with approaching, it becomes this vicious circle of scarcity and lack of options, and then you're proposing to an inflatable doll. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, Conal Barrett. I'm a dating coach. I help guys like you learn to flirt, get dates, and find an amazing girlfriend, all by being radically authentic, putting that real self out there. No pickup artist BS, no alpha male nonsense, just being the best real you because girls like you for you. It's true. Mom was right. And today's topic is about helping you to confidently approach and get really good reactions right off the bat from women. When you approach a woman, we want to get a really good positive initial response.

And one of the hardest things to do in dating is to fully approach in a way that gets women responding well. It feels very intimidating to walk up to a woman you don't know and start talking to her and feel good about it. If you're like most guys, you don't approach women at all. And if you do occasionally do it, or maybe you do it often, chances are you get rejected a lot. You get blown out. Women just lose interest or they make it clear they're not that interested. And that creates anxiety. It creates tension in you. And it just makes you feel like, oh man, I can't go up to cute girls and just chat. And then if you get stuck in that pattern of not approaching women when you want to,

then you lose options. You feel like, well, I guess I'll just do the dating apps then. And then that can feel very limiting because maybe you're sick of the apps. Maybe you don't want to only meet women from the dating apps, or maybe you're struggling on the apps. And if you're struggling on the apps and struggling with approaching, it becomes this vicious circle of scarcity and lack of options. And then you're proposing to an inflatable doll. Nobody wants that. So what do we want instead? We want you to be able to go up to women, be authentic, be genuine, and know what to say, know how to flirt, and most importantly, do a really good approach that gets a good reaction. So today I want to give you my, I think this is the most powerful

and hard to teach approaching tip. It's hard to teach it without physically, literally doing it with you out in the field, which is what I do with my clients. But I'm going to try today to... But I can convey it much better here on the podcast than I could in my book, because it involves how you use your voice and approaching it in a really powerful way. So let's get to it. Let's talk about how to approach and get great reactions. That's what today is about, how to approach and get great reactions. So let's get to it. Most guys want to approach and get those great reactions, but you walk up and either you get stuck with what to say and it goes poorly or you try your best and a woman you do approach just kind of turns her back to you and shows

she's not that interested. That rejection feels awful. Or if you're like most men, you don't even do it. You do a half-hearted 25% commitment approach where you say, hey, how's your day? What's up? How are you? And then it doesn't go anywhere. So this creates all the problems I just talked about, gets you in your head, creates more approach anxiety, and it makes it really tough for you to smash through that. So what you want to do is instead fully commit to the approach. We got to fully commit to it with our voice, our eye contact, our energy, and just bring a really good energy to the experience. So I'll give you a tip on how to do that in a second, but let me tell you a story to hopefully illustrate this. So I went out with my client Taylor in person a few weeks ago.

So what I do here in New York City is my clients and I go out on the town for a whole weekend with me as their wingman. We're literally shoulder to shoulder, approaching women, chatting, having fun. I'm helping him get phone numbers, helping him get dates, telling him what to say. We're approaching women together. Guys get phone numbers. They get dates. It's awesome. It's super fun. So I'm out with my client, Taylor.

And Taylor is struggling with approaching anxiety. That's why he came to me. It's really hard for him to comfortably and confidently walk up to women. Now, he will go up to women. But he's walking on eggshells when he's doing it, or at least he was on this night. So a couple of weeks ago, Taylor and I are at this bar in Manhattan and these two girls are on the dance floor, or I should say they're in the middle of a bar and they're dancing in the middle of the bar, sort of turning that part into a mini dance floor. And I signal to Taylor to go talk to these women.

He walks over and he gives them a very half-hearted approach, 37% commitment. It's almost like he looks like he's literally walking on eggshells, like he's tiptoeing. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates and more fun.

Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you.

Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. And he walks over to these women who are having fun. They're dancing. They're in their mid-20s. One blonde, one brunette, just really cool, mid-20s women out of it out on the town and Taylor

walks up any and he says he approaches like this hi excuse me hey I don't want to but I don't want to bother you but hey how's your how's your night going have been fun have you having a good night And they turn their backs to him. They kind of barely even acknowledge his existence. They don't even talk to him. They just turn their backs to him. And then he comes back to me, tail between his leg. And he says, oh, man, they rejected me. What do I say? How do you approach girls on the dance floor? What do I say? What do I say? What are the right words? And the mistake Taylor made, and I told him this right in the moment, is not the words. Your words don't matter. They almost don't matter when you're approaching

a woman. What matters is your energy level, your commitment that you come across as a man who's worthy, good enough to be there, and bringing some fun, positive energy to the experience. So two attractive women in their 20s dancing on the dance floor, their fun level is at a 9 out of 10. And then Taylor comes up to them and his fun level is at a 3 out of 10 at best. He's afraid of rejection. He's not sure what to say. And it affects everything. Eye contact, voice, body language. He was kind of slouching. Was he walked over, tiptoeing? The vocal tonality was, hi, excuse me, hi. So if women are having a 9 out of 10 experience and you bring a 3 out of 10 energy, then you're going to get rejected, blown out. But here's the thing. They're not saying to Taylor, Taylor, you're not attractive.

They're saying, dude, you got to bring some better energy to the table because we went out to have fun. And why are you coming up trying to mess up our fun with your tentative walking on eggshells energy? So there's really good news here. If this kind of thing ever happened to you, if you did approach a woman, talk to her, try to make something happen, and it just kind of got blown out, you got blown out, rejected, it's not you're not enough. It's not you're ugly, you're too short. It's not get away, you're not some cool muscular alpha male. That's not the way women are. Basically, what it probably means is you didn't bring the energy, the value, the fun, the good vibes that women want to feel. And if they're at a 7, 8, 9 enjoyment level and you come up with a 3, 4, 5 energy, you're going to get rejected. Not because you're not good enough, but because you didn't fully commit to the approach. So we want to fully commit. So let's talk about what happened next. Back to Taylor. A couple weekends ago, same night, about half hour later, we go to a different bar.

Taylor was so in his head about what to say that I had a really good fix for him. I pointed over to a couple of women who were standing in the corner chatting. And I said, go over there and here's your opener. He's like, great, what is it? And I said, hi, I'm Taylor and I don't know what to say to you. He started smiling and laughing. And he said, okay, fine. I'll do whatever you say, sensei. And he walks over and he said, hi, I'm Taylor. I don't know what to say to you. And then one of the girls said, hi, Taylor, blah, blah, blah. And she was smiling. And I don't even know if she heard the, I don't know what to say to you. All she saw or all she felt was a man. Cause he, when I gave it, when I gave him the quote, good opener, or I gave, I told him to commit to this

opener. All of a sudden he stood taller. He had a smile on his face. He brought a nice energy. In other words, these women were at a seven or eight in terms of fun and enjoyment, maybe a six, maybe a six. And all of a sudden Taylor comes over at a solid seven and a half, eight, bringing some good energy. Hey, what's up? I'm Taylor. I don't know what to say to you. What's going on? And she barely even heard the, I don't know what to say to you. But what she did hear was his energy, his vocal tonality, his, his,, his eye contact, his eyes were sparkling. He just said, I'm going to commit to this approach. And 15 minutes later, maybe less than that, he was making out with this girl he had just met.

A really pretty, probably a cool, awesome, wonderful woman. I didn't meet her, but they were making out. All he did was he brought full commitment to that approach. And that's the main tip I want to share with you today is I want you to understand that there is, yeah, here's the real game-changing tip I want to share. I want to share with you the paradox of approaching. With approaching women, safe is risky and risky is safe. Safe is risky and risky is safe. Here's what I mean by that. When you approach, you have to fully commit. She needs to hear you and see you and really have a high value, awesome version

of you talking to her. If you don't approach, I'm sorry, if you don't commit to the approach, then you are going to get blown out, rejected. The approach anxiety is going to be worse. You're going to avoid talking to cute girls. And then you're going to end up moving to Myanmar and becoming a monk and dying a virgin. We don't want that. However, if you approach with commitment and as much confidence as you can muster, then the approaches are going to go really well. So one of the biggest paradoxes of approaching is what feels safe is actually risky, and what feels risky is actually safe. Something I learned from one of my best approaching mentors back in the day. What feels risky is safe, but what's safe is risky. So you're doing approaching right if it feels risky.

Follow that feeling. Now, the paradox is an approach that feels, quote, risky is actually really safe and smart because full commitment, that's how we get results, right? In anything in life. Think Jack Nicholson committing to a role or Michael Jordan or LeBron committing to driving to that hoop. On the flip side, a quote safe approach is very risky because it's like a glancing blow. So you risk it failing, which it will most of the time. So when Taylor went over to those first two girls who were dancing, he was asking permission to be there. He was playing it safe. He actually apologized. The first words out of his mouth were, oh, I'm sorry to bother you, but how was your night?

Can I say hi to you? And it felt safe for him to do that, but actually it was very risky. It was very risky. So he basically half-assed it at first. And I learned the hard way that when you're approaching women, you got to use your entire ass. Half-assing won't do it. You got to use your whole ass, even if you're like me and you don't have one. You got to use all of what you have. So what's safe is risky. What's risky is safe. So here's what's safe. What's safe is seeing a really cool, beautiful girl you want to approach, what I call a wow girl, and trying to think of the perfect opener. You never will. And then she walks away. That's safe. What's risky is saying

something anything that enters your mind even if it's just high or as Taylor did the other night hey what's up I don't know what to say to you I'm Taylor that was great that was a great open because he committed to it he took a risk and committed to it and 15 minutes later he was making out with a really cute girl. Safe. What's safe is opening with a soft, whispery vocal tonality. Hi. Excuse me.

Hi. Excuse me, miss. Hi. Just wanted to say hi. That will creep a girl out. It feels safe to you, but it's actually very risky. What feels risky is using a nice, clear, loud, resonant tone that makes her notice you. Make her notice you with your resonant vocal tonality, right? To quote Walt Whitman, sound your barbaric yawp. Let her hear you. Safe is maybe your approach actually does open and she's talking to you.

What's safe is settling for a great conversation, but not asking for her number, not going for a date. Risky is going for the date, taking out your phone and saying, hey, what's your number? We should hang out sometime. We should go on a date. The only way to get dates is to ask for dates. So yeah, safe is risky. Risky is safe. The metaphor that my old coach used to use was flying an airplane.

Imagine it's your first day as a pilot. You're flying a jetliner, but it's your first day flying a jetliner rejection ghosting loneliness lack of dates and lack of confidence for many men dating just sucks but it doesn't have to there's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with.

He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't

so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive even if you're not tall or great-looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold,

in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. On some level, your brain might say, oh, hey, you know what? Let's play it safe. Let's keep this jetliner nice and low and close to the ground, a few hundred feet off the ground, just in case. But guess what? That's where the buildings are and the mountains are that you're going to smash into. However, if you instead do what feels risky, which is pull back on the throttle, get that plane up to 25, 30,000 feet, that feels really risky in the moment. But actually, it's very safe and smart because up at 30,000 feet, there's no mountains, there's no buildings, there's wide open blue sky.

And that's where you can safely get to a cruising altitude. Similarly with approaching, you got to fully commit and be vulnerable. Always be authentic. Put that real authentic self out there. And that is the best way to spark an interaction. So please learn that lesson about what's risky is safe and what's safe is risky. Okay, let me finish with three of the most common approaching problems guys ask me about. And let me give you quick answers and then we can wrap up. Because let's say you finally start getting these approaches committed and start having

good conversations, then here are three common problems that come up. Number one, question I get a lot is, how can I tell if she's interested? Answer, the telltale sign is that she's attentive and she's making good eye contact. Now, giggling and hair twirling, those are nice bonuses, but if she's attentive, that's the best sign. That's a sign that she's interested in you. Don't worry if she's a little quiet at first. She might just be shy. She might just take her a little time

to warm up. Another approaching question I get all the time, hey, Connell, how do I approach the nines and tens? I hear that a lot. Here's my answer. Any number that you label a woman is in your head, not in hers. Those so-called nines and tens, they don't strut through life thinking about their numeric worth. They're just people. They're just women. Now that said, model caliber women or society attractive women do hear variations of you're hot a lot, or you're gorgeous, you're pretty, you're beautiful. They do hear that a lot. So a good strategy is to set yourself apart from other men. And instead of approaching with, hey, you're beautiful, you're hot,

open with fun. It's hard to reject fun. It's hard to reject playful. It's very easy to reject, hey, gorgeous, I just saw you. If she's not into it or if she's not in the mood, you'll get rejected. But it's really hard, especially like at a bar, to approach in a fun, playful way. So come up with things that make you laugh. One of the loves of my life I met at a nightclub and I still remember the way I approached her. It was with maximum fun. I was at a nightclub and I saw this woman who I really wanted to meet. And I knew I needed to be different from all the other guys who were probably fawning over her,

telling her how hot she is, which she was and is. So I was like, nah, let's make it fun. So I unbuttoned my button-down shirt, like two-thirds of the way down my chest. I exposed my chest. And I walked up to her. And I said, with a very exaggerated sort of Latin lover accent, I said, buenos noches. I am Armando. So I was playing a character. This is called a role play opener. It's an advanced move that I work with my clients on.

And she cracked up. She started laughing because I wasn't trying to hit on her yet. I was just having fun with her. And she actually called me Armando for the whole rest of the weekend, which we spent together. And we ended up dating and entered into a relationship. And it all started with a silly, dumb opener, the Armando opener. So find ways to open that are fun and enjoyable for you. If you're having fun with your approach, then she is going to laugh. She's going to want to join your fun party. And one more question. Connell, how do I ask for phone numbers? This is a good one. The answer is don't ask. Assume. So after you've been

talking for a few minutes, let's say you approach, you've been talking a few minutes, then take out your phone, assuming that she's attracted to you or at least somewhat interested, take out your phone and say, hey, let's exchange numbers. What's your number? And just assume it. Now, even if you're not sure she wants to give you her number, sometimes just a really confident, worthy ask will make a woman say, oh, wow, this guy really believes in himself. That's attractive. So she'll give you her number. I like to use the power of the word let's. Hey, let's exchange numbers. Hey, let's meet up sometime.

What's your number? Hey, let's go on a date. What's your number? Hey, let's do numbers. So yeah, also one other tip at night when out approaching is at night, it's really easy to be into a woman and be clicking and connecting and have it go great and then get separated because she goes to the dance floor, she goes to the bathroom with her friends, and then you might never see her again. So ask for numbers sooner rather than later,

like under 10 minutes. Go for her number in under 10. If you've been talking to a woman for 10 minutes, she's giving you that attention, her focus. Whether or not you've gotten any giant indicators of interest, I don't care about that. 10 minutes or less, then take out your phone and say, hey, let's do numbers. What's yours? That way, if you lose sight... First of all, that sends her a message that you're interested, which is part of being showing that romantic interest. And then also, if you lose sight of her, you got her number, you can text her and hopefully meet up another time. All right.

That's the end of today's lesson about approaching. Go out there. Do it with commitment. Do it with fun. Don't walk on eggshells. Stand up tall, look her right in the eye, let her hear your voice. Show that best radically authentic self and good things will happen. All right.

Until next time. And don't forget, women out there, they already like you. They just have to meet the real authentic you. See you next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time. Produced by Heartcast Media.