How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Too Anxious to Approach? Use these 5 Steps to Boldly Meet and Date Wonderful Women (Live Coaching with Ryan)

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

You see a gorgeous girl and want to approach her—but you freeze up! “What do I say? What if I’m creepy?” That inner voice kills your confidence, keeping you stuck and frustrated. Let’s fix it today! In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett teaches his client Ryan the 5 Master Steps to boldly approach women with charm and authenticity—no weird pickup moves needed.What You’ll Learn in this Live-Coaching Episode:10:15: What Stops Ryan from Approaching—and How He Fixed It with “Terminator Glasses”14:22: How to Turn Every Approach into a Fun, Confidence-Building Win24:45: How to Flirt with More Sexuality While Remaining a True Gentleman40:22: How to Tell If She Likes You… or Wants You to Walk Away45:40: How Connell Made Out with a Total Cutie—Just 1 Hour After She Rejected Him!52:00: The 5 Master Steps to Approaching Women with Authentic Confidence1:12:03: One Easy Move to Instantly Build Momentum in Any Bar or Venue1:22:23: Why Bold Risk-Takers are Irresistible to WomenWant to know exactly what to say in a way women find magnetic? Listen now!DO YOU WANT TO ATTRACT YOUR DREAM GIRLFRIEND? BOOK A FREE CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN ABOUT 1-1 COACHING:http://www.DatingTransformation.comEMAIL CONNELL FOR A FREE COPY OF HIS NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”:[e-mail]

next thing I know she and I are dancing and making out on the dance floor. This is the same girl who rejected me, quote unquote, 60 or so minutes earlier. So the lesson is not that if a woman says go away, the lesson is don't take it as some kind of personal rejection. She just might not be in the mood at that moment to talk to you. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host dating coach, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you flirt with confidence and get lots of dates and approach women successfully, confidently, and get a great girlfriend. And do it with authenticity.

It's all about being authentic. Authenticity is to dating as the force is to Luke Skywalker. It is strong in you, young padawan, but you have to access it and channel it. This is a really fun another behind the scenes coaching episode. So you're gonna listen to an actual dating coaching one-on-one call I did with my client Ryan and Ryan came to me with a couple problems. He has mindset confidence issues he just feels like he felt like he's just too short, not confident enough, not charismatic enough. He's a bit introverted and he's also a little bit on the shorter side. He's like 5'7", 5'8".

And so we worked on his confidence in a previous episode. About two episodes ago, you might have listened to what I call the authentic self awakening, right? Guided Ryan on a process where I help him see that his limiting beliefs are bullshit and he's actually the shit He's incredible. He's so attractive so intelligent so awesome. So listen to The my last coaching session with Ryan about three episodes ago if you'd like to hear that. Tonight though is him putting it into practice. All about how to go approach women, how to talk to women, what to do. It's all about a night out at the bars, meeting lots of women, which is what Ryan is now doing.

So tonight I give him guidance on how to do that. And if you want to just listen to what I think is my favorite part of the episode, go to about minute 44. At minute 44, I share a funny story from a few years ago. Right before the pandemic hit, I was out with my client Steven in a bar in New York City. And I had this really amazing moment where I approached a woman with Stephen,

she blew me off, she quote rejected me and then an hour later she comes back over to me while I'm on the dance floor being a wingman for my client Steve and she starts dancing with me and all of a sudden we're making out and that's what's possible. By not taking rejection personally, don't see, don't think of an approach where a woman doesn't want to talk to you or isn't super into you. It doesn't mean you suck, you're worthless. It might just mean, hey I'm not in the mood right now, but give me an hour. And this girl came back over to me, all of a sudden we're kissing and making out the same girl who rejected me and that's a fun story I talked about that at the 44 minute mark

anyway so feel free to go to that part if you want to just listen to the best highlight moment otherwise enjoy my coaching session with Ryan and by the way if you want one-on-one personalized coaching help, then what you can do is go to datingtransformation.com and you can book a free call with me where you can get on the phone with me. We'll talk for about 45 minutes and I'll go over your dating life with you, diagnose some of your problems, what's causing them, and also share a couple of solutions. So if you struggle with approach anxiety or if you just aren't sure what to say, how to flirt with women, or if online dating is really

bothering you and you're just not getting matches and you really want to get a lot of wonderful women in your dating life and get a great girlfriend, then go to datingtransformation.com and you can book a one-on-one consultation with me and we'll talk. And if you don't want to do that, that's totally cool. Just listen to this episode, you'll hear me coach my boy Ryan. He is crushing it by the way. He is doing some amazing things with approaching and enjoy my conversation with my client Ryan. Here we go. In our first chat, part one, we overhauled your core belief about your worthiness to attractiveness to women. And just remind me real quick, in a sentence or two, what was that new

belief we came up with? Yeah, I think you went from, we're working on, I should say, going from the previous belief from Ryan, like the insecure, I guess we could say to Ryan, the bolds, who's a swagger is emotionally intelligent and has a good sense of humor. And yeah, I've already felt like some, yeah, I've already been coming back to that and kind of reminding myself of that call. It some, yeah, I've already been coming back to that and kind of reminding myself of that call. It's, yeah, cool. Great. My jet set.

A success with women, especially with approaching, which is what we're going to talk about primarily right now. It starts with having a really strong story. The story of your worth and value to women. Because that story helps to feed the confidence, feed your emotional state, and help you approach better, more confidently, more attractively. And what we're gonna talk about is the strategy now in this coaching session.

We're gonna talk about the how-to, the mechanics, what to say, what not to say, basically whatever the hell you wanna ask me. But it is important to first understand that we need that core story there that feels a lot better so that women are meeting the best, most authentically confident version of you because that's gonna make your approaches go even better.

So I'm glad to hear that Ryan the Bold is here, ready to get to work, and Ryan the insecure is drifting away, is slowly but surely. So let to get to work. Ryan the insecure is drifting away slowly but surely. So let's get to it. Let's talk approaching. What do you want to work on? How can I help you man? Yeah, I think within the context of night game and going out at night, like talking to girls in bars. And eventually I don't go out to clubs too much, but same, same thing applies. Some techniques and logistical things and within that.

So I guess my first thing, and this is kind of a place to start is my biggest, I think one of the things that's kind of causing me to start is my biggest, I think, one of the things that's kind of causing me to get a little bit in my head with approaching, and we touched on this a little last time, but I kind of want to like go a little bit more into depth about this is, I have this idea in my head about like, within the game or various,

like that type of stuff, like IOI is like indicators of interest. Um, and I think I'm maybe not in night getting as many of these as like I want. And I think I'm using that as a reason to like stop myself. And I think that might be, I mean, it's, it's a little like, yeah, it's frustrating because like, I don't necessarily think that should be a good reason to let it stop myself. But you know, like all, you know, like, I kind of have this idea of like a woman will like see a guy from across the room and smile and like you know like look away and look towards and

i've seen this like one of my friends that i even like for new years one of my good friends is you know exceptionally attractive when when he goes out it's like all the time, like these girls are making extremely like blatant like, it just like like, invitation to approach like all the time. So that was even approaching him, you know, so it's like, I was giving him the advice of basically, you know, look around and pick one of those attractive girls, it's, you know, making like eye contact with you and seems like she really wants you to approach. But for me, I think in, I think this probably applies to others as well, I'm assuming. But I don't like, I think if I limited myself to that, then it wouldn't really get me anywhere. And especially with like more attractive, like women, because odds like occasionally, of course, there's like, you know, rare exceptions, but it's like the girls that

will have occasionally girls that will blatantly hit on me. But those girls are typically people that I'd like zero interest in or not attracted to. But the girls that I'm like, Oh, she's super hot. Like, you know, I'm not going to be getting eye contact or that type of stuff. So paint a picture, not paint a picture for me what you're talking about. Let's go into let's let's imagine a hypothetical. We're in a bar, we're in your kind of spot. And you're you're looking around for someone to approach and you're not getting IOIs? Or are you talking about women you do approach you're not getting them during the conversation? What are you asking? I think mainly just looking whether to approach like I guess the it's just approach every yeah, this this might be a more simple like start to the conversation, but it's just like,

that shouldn't like impact your decision to approach or not. Right? Like whether like you're looking and somebody like, or maybe even they make eye contact with you and they look away, but it's like not a sign of, oh, like it might just be like, uh, you know, that'll happen. Like I'll look, maybe, maybe I should stop looking and stop thinking about that in the first place. Or maybe I'll look, I'll catch someone's eye and we'll kind of walk away and be like, Oh, I can't approach them because they didn't like lock eyes with me and seem interested. They seem disinterested. I think I know what's going on here. You ever seen Terminator? Any of the Terminator movies? Yeah, I have. You know how there's the Terminator glasses? I mean, technically, it's not glasses because Schwarzenegger in the Terminator movies, he's got the glasses on. But you know how there's those Terminator glasses? I mean, technically it's not glasses because

Schwarzenegger in the Terminator movies, he's got the glasses on. But you know how we see the Terminator point of view where he like assesses a situation like, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Terminator glasses on or you have Terminator vision. What I think I hear you saying is you're looking around a room and you're like, oh, there is an attractive girl. Do, do, do, do, do. 17% chance of success, because she's not looking at me and she's talking to her friends and then you're probably looking around the room trying to find like a girl

who's like looking at you, smiling, twirling her hair, getting a nice high percentage of success coming up in your Terminator data? Is that something like that? Yeah, that's exactly that's that's basically exactly. And I'll even hear like the reason that I kind of enforce some of these. I remember when I was out with these two girls, like friends of like distant like not people I'm really friends with. Um, and I wasn't really like, uh, particularly interested in them, but I remember hearing them talking to each other about like, oh, like there's this

guy that's really cute and they were both talking about me, like make, make eye contact with them. That was kind of their advice. Like, you know, try to let you know. So I'm like, oh my gosh, like, you know, the story I'm saying is like, this is basically what women want. Is there, if they want you, they're going to make eye contact with you. And if they don't, then they're not. And there's no point approaching otherwise, basically, like they'll already have their mind made up. Like, so you know, that's kind of like the sometimes the mindset I'll go in with with the Terminator. Yeah, I mean, that's, that's a good analogy, honestly. Yeah, I'm a big movie nerd. So I, the world, I see the that's a good analogy, honestly.

Yeah, I'm a big movie nerd. So I see the world through the lens of Beatles songs or 80s, 90s action movies. I'm a friend of Sarah Connor. I was told that she's here. Could I see her please? No, can't see her. She's making a statement. Where is she?

Look, it may take a while. I want to wait. There's a bench over there. I'll be back. So I want you to put on a different termininator set of Terminator glasses or have a different Terminator POV. Instead of noticing the, oh, 19% chance of success because she's not looking at me and talking to her friends, data that pops up in your Terminator screen as in every woman you approach is a 100% success ratio if you go talk to her.

That's 100% success, at least in your mind. You need to look at this through the lens of every time I approach a woman and I give her the Ryan the Bold experience, I can and should feel great about that. And that's a win because either you're going to get a good approach result or you're going to get some kind of lesson or some kind of victory just for trying, even if she's not into you. We've got to turn approaching into something that feels like a win loss. You know, heads I win, she likes me, tails she didn't like me, didn't want me to approach her and that's a loss.

And turn every approach into a guaranteed win. Either you win or you learn. me tales she didn't like me, didn't want me to approach her and that's a loss and turn every approach into a guaranteed win. Either you win or you learn. Either you win or you feel good that you tried. Something that really helped me back in the day and that's helped a lot of my clients, Ryan, is looking at this through the lens of win or grow. Every time I approach a girl, every time one of my clients does, I say, either it's a win because a really cute girl is talking to me and I'm going to go on a date with her,

or at least if I try and she's not that interested, at least I just put another brick in the wall of my character, the cathedral of my character as a man. That feels really good So I guess I'd like you to re Kind of try to rewire things a little bit and I'll give you a very simple structure to do that So you make it I'll make this so much easier for you in about two minutes But I want you to say every approach is a guaranteed win because either I get a cute girl into me and talking to me Which would be a huge win or at least I'm manning up taking bold action. And that ties into your very identity, this new and improved identity that you just created

called Ryan the Bold. So you get to feel good for being bold, and you get to feel good when an approach goes well and she's into you. And that turns it into a guaranteed win because your current Terminator glasses are turning it into a percentage of success versus failure. We got to remove the idea of failure. There's no such thing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah current mindset is pretty exhausting. So yeah, I have another question.

Do you want to talk about because you mentioned the two minutes like giving something more. Yeah. How do you want to go about that? Yeah, I want to give you I want to give you the first of five steps. I'll go through all five before we're done here. But the first, when you go out at night to meet women, you want to follow a process, follow a system. And this is in my book.

I don't know if you read the approaching chapters in my book, but there's five steps you want to follow when you go out at night. And step one of five is open often. You open interactions with lots of women. So you minimize time in between approaches and you just talk to lots of girls. That's step one of five. And once you start opening often, what's gonna happen is you're gonna switch off that part of your brain that's analyzing every situation for indicators of interest. Should I go approach and I not go?

You're gonna turn off that part of your brain and you're going to get into a more of a flow state. And you're not in two or three approaches into a night maybe four or five, you're not even going to be thinking or worrying about Iowais, you're just going to be bouncing around from woman to woman from interaction to interaction like bumper cars, that's gonna feel so good. And then you're going to start feeling like Ryan the bold. So step one is open often. There's no step that I teach that says open only if and only if she

looks at you, she smiles, she giggles, and she um licks her lips. There's no rule that says you have to have all those things. In fact the vast majority of women you're going to approach, she won't even know you exist until you walk up to her. And that is totally okay. Okay. Okay, yeah, that's, that's, that's helpful. That's step one, I'll go through the other four too, as well. But I just wanted to give you the quick fix for what what's ailing you, which is looking for safe approaches or looking for some indicators of interest. Fuck that. You're a bold man who takes action and puts himself out there.

There's nothing bold about waiting for some kind of complicit, um, permission from a woman to come over. I want you to start, uh, being bold and boldness includes walking up to a woman to come over. I want you to start being bold and boldness includes walking up to a woman who doesn't even know you're there but now she's talking to you and it's gonna some good things gonna happen so don't let don't wait for women to give you permission to approach them okay yeah yeah yeah yeah save save the submissiveness for your kinky dates when she wants you to be sub and she's the she's the dominant one. Don't be submissive until it's a consensual

kinky thing. Noted. Yeah. So I think, so, so that's the one thing. And then I've kind of explored with different ways of, um, going about it. And I have some notes here that I was kind of, um, taking, I think there's kind of two. Okay. So I think there's two ways that I've been, I've been playing around with like direct indirect different types of stuff. Um, and during the day, I feel I always go direct and I

feel very comfortable going direct and I think it works pretty well actually. Okay, great. Not that you know, just girls are like, because maybe they're not like super on guard. But at night, you know, there's like a really attractive girl that's kind of getting it on like all the time and stuff My mindset is like oh less Go less directs

But either way it's tough because sometimes I go to direct and I was like kind of like act super flirty and like tried to put on this like kind of like I don't know not like douchey but like this persona that I perceive would be like kind of attractive but then you know like sometimes or sometimes you just say hi sometimes you just like try to flirt a little bit you immediately get shot down because this girl with her friend she's been getting hit on all the time so she just like you know her shields super high up or so that's kind of one option is you know go super direct um and um you know i i also like read the game i know the idea in bars of um like negging which i don't like

like i i think you know from the wrong angle like i i don't try to do that um but i think you know with like an attractive girl, like teasing her a bit or doing these things as opposed to just, you know, telling her that she's beautiful, like every other guy is like, um, I'll try to do that kind of like, you know, either direct or teasing or telling her she's cute or some sort of, or I'll just be indirect and try to start a conversation. And I feel like either one of them. Fails at different points. Like I think the direct one is failing because her shields up and maybe it can

work but I mean maybe if her shields up then it like has a lower it just doesn't work as often but then the indirect one it's like transitioning from that it feels like inauthentic and it's like oh I'm going from like this point of oh I want to meet friends and be cool that rooms of the bar. So yeah Do you have any recent examples? Ask your question if you would or frame this problem through the lens of a recent or memorable approach that didn't go the way you wanted Maybe let's look at a story. Maybe that's okay. I I have one indirect story and then I can think of. Yeah, I have an indirect story,

then a direct story. So the indirect story. This is for the for the listener. There's two ways to approach women, or there's two ways to open. Essentially, you can put them all into two categories. You can be direct, meaning you show clear romantic interest from the start. Or you can be more indirect, which is kind of more friendly, more conversational. So direct would be, hey excuse me miss, here at the coffee shop, you're beautiful and I had to meet you. That's direct. Indirect would be, oh hey I see you're drinking iced coffee. Is that your usual go-to? So anyway, I just wanted to give the listener a little, a listener might not be steeped in game, quote unquote,

and all the pickup stuff that you might know about Ryan. That's totally cool. I just wanted to kind of clarify. When you say direct and indirect, that's what you're talking about. Please proceed. Okay, yeah. So indirect example, and you know, this is me not expressing interest right away.

And there was a girl and her friend. So to set, I guess in terms of like, game speak. And you know, there's not Did you isolate the target? I was trying to. Sorry, go ahead. Where were you? Nighttime, daytime, bar? Yeah, this is nighttime. This is at a bar. It was out. It was like late at night. It was like what? Like one thirty in the night or something. OK. And I made it was a girl with a friend that I made some like joke about,

like some silly outfit they were wearing, something that was very like non very indirect, like not. I don't remember exactly, but it was something about it. It was I think it was a common, like they looked the same and they were wearing like this kind of silly, um, outfit and baseball cap or something. So I joked around and they were joking back and we were talking about this and you know, it's like this very well, like friendly conversation. They'd like, they're seem interested in having like they're, you know, it's, oh, there's this, like, it's non-threatening. there's you know we're having this friendly conversation

and then I there's several thoughts that kind of are going through my mind at that point I'm like you know I have the girl that I have my eyes on that I want to you know like get to know her better get her number take her home you know whatever depending on like how things progress but then I you know her better, get her number, take her home, you know, whatever, depending on like how things progress. But then I, you know, her friends and I'm like, this is so I guess this, this kind of you're joking about isolate the target, but that is kind of ultimately necessary. And what I was trying to bring the taser gun like I instructed you to instructed you to?

Kidding. Okay, keep going. Yeah. So um, what I tried to do is that, and I guess I was like, should I try to like, express my interest before I isolate or after and what I ended up doing, and this wasn't like a good, I don't really know how I could have done better. But this wasn't a good thing to do, I don't think is I basically were talking and super friendly themes like, you know, interested in talking, not sure what else, you know, might just be totally platonic. But I said, I saw a picture of like a guy on her screen. And I was like

thinking like, and I mentioned, I was like, Oh, like, is that your boyfriend? She's like, Oh, no, but she's my girlfriend. Like, you know, pointing to the girl she was with. And you know, I'm like, damn, like, maybe I said that too fast. Like out of the blue, I was kind of trying to turn it more, you know, from platonic into like, you know, like romantic, sexual, and I feels like it kind of just couldn't bridge the gap like or isolated, or I guess those were kind of the two things I wanted to do and kind of just tell what's your question? What problem did you have? Frame this in a question that I can help you with? I'm not following what you're asking. did you have frame this in a question that I can help you with? I'm not following what you're asking. Yeah. Uh, how could I have, um, how could I have slowly start to turn the conversation into more of expressing my interests into her in less of a

zero to a hundred way where it goes, where it goes from, oh, he's just being friendly to he's completely hitting on me like how do i slowly to make make it clear both to her and her friend that she's the one i'm interested in and you know the person i'm like okay so was it the three of you was it you and these two women it was me and these two women and my friend was talking to some other people in the backgrounds okay so you essentially was the three of you. Yep. Okay. And there was one girl you were attracted to, one not so much.

Not romantically attracted to, right? Yeah. And how long was the conversation total? Five minutes. All right. And so you approached, you started chatting about how they looked alike or were dressed similarly, which is great. It's a great observation to make.

And it sounds like you were having fun, you were being conversational and just bringing some value, which is great. You want to start off by bringing some good vibes, some good mojo. And they clearly were liking it. And then you just didn't know how to dial up your intent, your interest in the woman you wanted to show that interest to, right? Yeah. Okay. A couple different thoughts here. It is a slightly complex situation because there's you and there's two women. One woman you're

attracted to, one woman you're not. And what you want to do in this situation is, or a great option in this situation, is you let the woman know who you're attracted to that you're attracted to her. And there's a couple different ways to do this. One is you just kind of totally own it and talk to the girl who is the one you're attracted to. Let's give them some hypothetical names. Who's the who's the girl you're interested in? What's her hypothetical name? What's the Lexi, Lexi. And what is her nice friend who maybe you weren't into but is a perfectly good person? What is her friend's name? Sarah? Cool. We got sexy Lexa and plain Sarah. Okay. No

offense to them. I'm sure Sarah is a beautiful person. Sexy Lexi and her, you know, Sarah. So basically what you could do is you could turn to Sarah and say, Hey, Sarah, can I ask you a question? Is Lexi here as cool and as interesting as I hope she is? Because I'm thinking about asking her out, but I'm not sure yet. What do you think? So you could use the friend as essentially screen and this is while Lexi is there listening. So you're showing your interest but you're including the friend. So you're actually involving her and that's one way to do it. That way you're involving the friend but letting the cute girl or the girl you're

romantically interested in know that you're interested. Another approach you could do is, as you might know, I teach this idea of what's called man-to-woman communication. You're flirtatious, you're putting some clear, quote unquote, masculine, authentic energy out there to the woman you're attracted to and talking to a woman who you just like in a more friendly way that's more of a friend-to-friend interaction. So you could talk to Lexi, you could be a little bit teasing, you could challenge her, you could be clear with your interests and say, wow Lexi, you know what's really sexy about you is your name rhymes with sexy. And then you would talk to Sarah in a more friendly way.

You would ask her about her life, her job. You would keep it more friendly. So that's another way to show that romantic interest is you talk to Lexi with some flirtatiousness, some what I call man to woman moves, and you talk to Sarah in a more friendly way. That way you keep the friend involved, but you're making it clear who you're interested in. Makes sense so far? Yeah, that totally makes sense.

Maybe that would have been less threatening than just asking it, not really showing any signs of interest in any event, just asking all of a sudden if she had a, that probably would have been a much better way to play it. showing any like signs of interest in any event just asking all of a sudden if you know she had a that probably would have been a much better way to play it. Oh asking if she had a boyfriend. Yeah like out of the blue like kind of looking at that. I rarely say always or never but I'm pretty close to saying never ask a woman if she has a boyfriend because it's not really serving you the question. It's irrelevant to me if she has a boyfriend. If she has a boyfriend, she'll let me know.

And if and when I ask her out or kind of put some real, put a card on the table, she'll tell me. And if she doesn't have a boyfriend, I think there's something a little bit, it's kind of supplicating or a little bit timid, a little bit like screening for a safe approach by finding out if she has a boyfriend. Frankly, I'd almost I would say the majority of women have some guy in her life, if she wants who she's either dating or at least has as an option for. And by asking a woman if she has a boyfriend,

you're potentially lowering your value, quote unquote, by screening for only women who have boyfriends, as opposed to what I want you to be doing, which is you're just a bold, fun, intelligent guy out there laughing, having fun, having a great time. And frankly, you don't care if she has a boyfriend, you're gonna make your move, you're gonna take your chance. And if she if she has one, you can let her tell you she does. Because if she doesn't, no problem. And if there's a guy in the picture, but she's really liking

you, hell, she might not want you to know about a guy she's dating because she's interested in you. So it's almost like that that question doesn't serve you. That makes sense. Yeah. I have a follow up, which is let's say because I could ask this either as a hypothetical of this situation or another like real one situation. But you know, it's happened in the past for me, I can think of one specific example where you know, I'm talking to a girl I am expressing and just flirting with her. She tells me she has a boyfriend, which is very typical or you know, the case we're talking about, let's say, you know, this Lexi girl on my go sexy, Lexi, and she's laughs and she's like, I have a boyfriend is should I be ejecting immediately? Or do I like is there you know, because again, like it might be

short, like, yeah. Yeah. It's up to you. Here's a way to think about the whole boyfriend thing. I have a boyfriend might be short like, yeah. Yeah. It's up to you. Here's a way to think about the whole boyfriend thing. I have a boyfriend. If she says it very early in a conversation, that's indicative of you not that's indicative of a her just saying that as something to say, to let you know that she's not interested and that you're not bringing enough of that masculine fun man to woman authentic value. So it's the I have a boyfriend thing early in the first minute or two or you know, two or three minutes. That's a sign

that hey, she's not feeling and she's going to say that to nicely politely get rid of you. If she says it later on and you've been flirting and having a great interaction and you're going for it, you're asking her out or you're going to go for an instant make out or not instant but you're going to go for a make out on the dance floor or you're basically saying, hey, give me your number, I'd like to see you again. And then she says I have a boyfriend. That's a genuine, probably a genuine situation where she does have a guy she's seeing and dating. But I assume a woman who's out on the town with her girlfriend, unless I unless proven otherwise, I assume she is available.

Because if she wasn't, she'd probably be out with her boyfriend doing something more boyfriend and girlfriendy. Okay, so when I get the I have a boyfriend thing early, I deflect away from it and treat it as something to have fun with. She may or may not have a boyfriend. But if I get that early, hey, hey, what's up by approach her right away. She's like, Hey, I have a boyfriend. I'm like, Oh, that's cool. I have three girlfriends. I'm a Mormon. You

know, or a girl will say a girl will randomly say, Hey, I have three girlfriends. I'm a Mormon. You know, or a girl will say a girl will randomly say hey, I have a boyfriend. I'll say okay, my sister has a waterbed. It's your turn for totally random useless information. So I'll fuck with her. Or I'll turn into something that I find fun and funny. And if she doesn't have a boyfriend, that's going to help me get somewhere with her potentially because she's showing I'm showing her persistence, fun, I'm bringing more fun to the interaction. And if she legit has a boyfriend, that's fine, too. At least I'm still having a good time. And, and then after I make her laugh a little bit and bring some of that. Connell fucking barrett fun energy she might actually legit

have a boyfriend in which case I'm totally cool with that. I probably won't eject right away to answer your question. I want to I want to have fun on my terms and I'm not going to I how I used to hate the feeling of walking away like oh you know the boyfriend. Okay, bye. Oh, yeah, I feel dismissed. But really, I'm the one dismissing myself back then. Oh, you have a boyfriend? Okay, have a good night. Like, no, you have a boyfriend,

I want to, I want to keep the fun going and crack some jokes, or at the very least, just talk to people to stay social. And then maybe I'll object them in a minute or two. So basically, I assume the I have a boyfriend thing is just an objection that's probably bullshit to be overcome. And by overcoming it, I can possibly create some real attraction with her by showing that I'm fun

and I'm not gonna just walk away because she has a boyfriend. And if it's legit, she really does have a boyfriend, that's cool. Some girls have boyfriends and that's fine. Yeah, yeah, okay. So yeah, what's a fun answer you could have ready for I have a boyfriend? I just tried some water that is funny. Those are both really good. You could use those if you want. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, those are those are great lines. I have a boyfriend too. Yeah, you say that. His name is Yeah, his name is his name is Todd tab. He's so handsome. He's so hunky. Do you think he'll do you think he's gonna marry me? What do you think? I don't know.

I mean, you could I've I've I'm not overthinking it. I'm just playing. I'm, I'm just playing. You want to have it make it playful and fun. And so it's really up to you as to how you handle it. But I wouldn't I wouldn't want to just eject right away. Just because hey, I want to turn every approach into something that's enjoyable and fun for me me even if it doesn't lead anywhere. Okay, yeah. I think that makes sense.

You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, and radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America.

And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, I think the other, so this is the thing that I'm worried about a little here is I think when I'm in a really good state, I think I naturally have pretty good social skills and awareness where I can kind of tell like if I'm, you know, actually annoying somebody and beat by being too persistent or also the other thing is if you're joking and laughing around about it and persisting in that type of way then at least in my experience people don't usually get like too upset like if you you know joke and persist and joke and other persists

and then you know eventually leave it it's not but you know if i'm in a bad mood and i'm kind of doing this and i'm persisting in this kind of like more logical less like fun way that I've had to happen where it's um where I've you know it's like kind of I guess like annoyed girls there and this hasn't really happened like there this is actually a massive anomaly for me but there was a case a few this is like a few months ago and this was, this is really weird. This is kind of, yeah, this was, this is an anomaly, but like there are these girls I was flirting with, I wasn't in a great vibe that night.

So I maybe like, wasn't like, you know, being persistent in like the type of fun way, but um, you know, I'm flirting with them, not, not doing anything even like super sexual or trying to make out with them or grow like any, nothing that really crossed the line, but I'm kind of just dancing and dancing in front of them and maybe just like kind of annoying them and stuff. And, uh, yeah, maybe I was like, I don't know, like tried to give one of them like, or two of them a hug, but nothing that crosses the line in terms of like, I was talking to a friend about this. I don't think there's really like anything super. Um, but you know, I find out later, like, you know, I don't really

think much of it. I was like, Oh, it wasn't really having a great night. And then I find out later, I'm like, damn, like, apparently, these girls were kind of in the extended friend group. And I didn't really know about this. And apparently, like these girls were friends with a girl that I, that I like, that's like a friend of a friend and she was, and apparently they didn't like me because of that. And then their friends who was friends with them didn't like them because like this whole like herd mentality kind of like BS. And you know, I found out about this and I was like, I was fricking pissed off. I was like, you know, there's nothing to apologize like, like maybe I was like, I was freaking pissed off. I was like, you know, there's nothing to apologize. Like, like maybe I was like, you know, being too persistent or stuff, but I mean,

like, and I, you know, was talking to a friend about this and it was like a whole, like embarrassing situation. I was like debating, I was like, should I apologize? Like, I don't really have anything to apologize for, you know, but like, so I, this was kind of a situation where I was just being like, maybe not being socially attuned, which is, you know, normally I think sober and under good circumstances, I can do this, but maybe I was drinking or maybe I was so like logical and that I was, you know, not doing this, but you know, that's the other side of the extreme where if I persist, like, how do I know?

All right. Like this conversation like is going nowhere. Cause you know, I kind of thought that I, and I still think I have a pretty good sense of that. Like maybe it's just the alcohol, but maybe I actually need like a little bit of help being like, all right, when do I leave the situation to avoid? It's pretty simple. I wasn't with you, obviously. So I don't know exactly what happened to create any dissension in the ranks of those women.

But let's keep it really simple. When you're out approaching women at night, you can absolutely approach and your persistence, as long as you combine persistence with charm and bringing value, trying to anyway, that can go a long way toward getting some women attracted to you. Here's what to look for in terms of, oh I should leave now. Whenever a woman says, well it was nice meeting you. That's polite code for we're done talking to you, you can go now. So if a woman said, hey it's nice meeting you, I would immediately say, nice meeting you too, have a great night. And I would basically

bolt because I would see, I would read that as, hey, she's done talking to this old ginger dude. And I'm totally fine with that. So to me, if a woman is talking to you and giving you her social focus, I don't care if she's giving you IOIs or not, but if she's talking to you, if she's being present and listening to you and eye contact, keep talking to her if you want to be. If you want to be talking to her. And if she says things like, oh, it was nice meeting you, I'm going to get back to my friends now, then I would leave. Say, hey, have a great night. Or if she's talking to you or technically standing there, but she's kind

of ignoring you, she's on her phone, she's, you know, no eye contact, she's kind of ignoring you, she's on her phone. She's no eye contact, she's giving you monosyllabic answers or no answers. I would basically take that as a nonverbal version of, nice meeting you, you can go now. And I would say something similar, I'd keep it positive. Hey, have a good night, I'll let you get back to your friends. And I would, maybe I might re-approach later,

might catch her in a better mood. But basically I wouldn't persist. Whenever there's any kind of verbal or clear non-verbal cues of, you can go now dude, I'm absolutely going to go. Because I want you to be that guy who steps up, who's bold, who takes some chances, be the first guy to do that and also be the first guy to notice when a woman's not paying attention to you or says nice meeting you and then you can leave as a gentleman and women are going to appreciate that and you're going to feel good doing that.

Yeah, yeah, that's that's makes sense. So that that applies both to you know, obviously though it was nice meeting you and then you can still maybe like later in the night, they tried it, but then very quickly be attuned, you know, to, or non, like if she's like looking at her phone, is there never a chance like, oh, like sometimes I'll think in my head, oh, she's looking at her phone. Like, you know, if I continue to like be charming and funny,

like maybe she'll stop looking at her phone or something. Yeah, you can certainly try to do that. You can absolutely. Think of it this way. I should have mentioned the two-minute rule. I have a little two-minute timer that goes off in my mind. I want my approach to try to get to the two-minute mark. I'm going to try to get to the two-minute mark with a woman, assuming, again, she's

giving me reasonable social signals that it's okay for me to be there. You know, if she turns away from me, if she says, Hey, please, do you mind? I'm talking to my friends here, please go away. I'm absolutely gonna say, No worries. Maybe I'll catch you later. Yeah. But if it's just kind of like that middle ground of of polite conversational, not giant IOIs, but also not nice meaning you go away. Does that middle ground? What I recommend you do is just try to hit the two minute mark. The two minute mark gives her and you both a little chance to relax, to have her get a sense for who you are. Ryan the bold, this guy with good emotional intelligence, cool job,

great social skills, gives you two minutes to sort of take a sample of you. If after two minutes, you decide that you want to bolt because you're just not feeling a great vibe, you can re approach later. There's something really great about the two minute mark, it takes about that much time for you to get comfortable in your own skin around new people and also for them to get comfortable with you. And after two minutes you might want to stick around a little bit longer and see if it's going reasonably well get another minute or two. And but if after two minutes you feel like you know she's on her phone still she's barely talking to me totally find a bounce and. Talk to somebody else who knows she might be in a better mood later bounce and talk to somebody else. Who knows?

She might be in a better mood later. You might talk to her again. There's nothing wrong with re-approaching. But I like to, I follow the two minute rule. I'm going to try to get to two minutes unless she says, hey, no thanks. We're not interested in talking. We're having a girl's conversation right now. Nice meeting you.

And then I'm absolutely going to accept that because it's a free country. She's allowed to not talk to me if she wants Yeah, totally. Yeah that That's super interesting. Have you ever had it like happen where you've like Donna like um, eject um ejected and then come back later and like the second time because the girls in a better mood or something like the Conversation's gone better because that's Yeah, I've had everything happen. I've been rejected by a woman quote unquote, and

then hooked up with her that night. Oh, wow. I think this here's a story. Go ahead. Oh, quick story. I was telling another client this today. So it's fresh in my mind. I went out once with a client named Steve and I believe and Steven and I were at a bar once upon a time. This is trying to remember when this was. This would have been right before the pandemic of memory serves, but it you know how like everything before the pandemic kind of frozen

amber. Everything that happened is very vivid. It was one of my last nights out before the pandemic, you know, changed the world. And my client Steve and I are at a place in New York City called pianos. New Yorkers would know it. And Steve and I approached a couple women. Actually, I'm sort of leading things because it's his first night out. He's a little bit nervous. And we approach and mainly me and this girl kind of like gives us a pretty quick, Hey, not interested, dude. A pretty, I'm talking 20 seconds and then just like, no thanks. Okay. What you would call a genuine, I call it, I call it a blowout. What you might call rejection, what anybody might call that. Basically, no thanks dude. I'm like, all good, have a good night.

Fast forward about an hour. Steve and I are on the dance floor, I'm being his wingman, he's talking to a really cute girl, he's dancing with her. I'm dancing by myself. I'm next to Steve, right? Watching him, I'm there being a good wingman and seeing if he needs me for anything. The girl from earlier who rebuffed us, she comes up to me and she starts kind of grinding on me, kind of like dirty dancing a little bit in my vicinity.

And I'm like, okay, now we're dancing. And then a minute later, she's like, kind of really dirty dancing with me. And she puts a drink up to my face and I take a drink of her whatever her vodka something or other. And then next thing I know she and I are dancing and making out on the dance floor. This is the same girl who rejected me, quote unquote, 60 or so minutes earlier. Hmm. Wow. So the lesson is not that if a woman says go away, the lesson is don't take it as some kind of personal rejection. She just might not be in the mood at that moment to talk to you. Maybe that girl, whoever she was five years ago, I guess at this point almost five years ago, whoever she was, maybe she just was a little sober in her head Not feeling like being approached the moment I came up to her with Steven next to me our 90 minutes later

she saw me again, and maybe she was just feeling differently and It's in a different mode different mood So yeah, you can absolutely Reapproach a woman in fact by by taking the thanks, but no thanks with aplomb and nothing personal, you're actually creating a warm lead. Women remember that. Women remember that you're the cool guy who just kind of said, hey, all good. Have a good night. And then 15, 20 minutes later, an hour later, she might think, oh, you know what? I was kind of a little pissy with him.

He's actually a pretty cool guy. And who knows, you might have a great approach two or three hours later or an hour later. So yeah, don't take anything personally. It's just a bar. Nothing matters. Nothing means anything. Yeah, that's actually really interesting.

And basically if you had kept like, persisting and been aware of the social skill, like that would have turned from after I would have killed all the chances you've been like, damn, this guy's annoying. Yeah, instead of like, oh, yeah, yeah, I would have kind of burnt it down to the ground or something. Yeah, yeah, no big deal. It's no big deal. It's not I don't you know, me a little bit at this point, I don't think of it as a rejection. It's just her response in that moment based on her mood. I have literally, I'm not saying this to brag. It's just cause I've been doing this a long time. I have literally, that girl and I didn't hook up that night, but I've literally like had had one night stands or had, you know,

flings with a woman who the first time I talked to her, she was like, not interested. No thanks. Or, Or just clearly said, Hey, I'm going to talk to my girlfriends now you can go away now. But then a little bit later, she's in a different mood. And when we have a chance to actually talk and connect and then Yeah, so you don't take it personally. And you approach her the second time with confidence and stuff? Yeah, like when I go out with clients in the city in New York here, sometimes I'll be like, you know, I go out for the night and I give guys directives, go approach her, go say this, go do that. Every so often, I'll be with a guy, a client, and I'll say, I'll go over

that blonde over there. He'll say, Oh, no, I already approached her. And I'm like, Yeah, that's why you're going to go back over. You created a warm lead. As long as she wasn't like, as long as she didn't throw a drink in his face. She'll remember him from earlier. If anything, she's a good lead to follow not somebody who is now off the off the the dance card of somebody who can't talk to. So it's almost like when you go out at night, do a lot of opens short and sweet early on. And don't think of them as wins or losses or rejections or her accepting you. Just think of them as little icebreakers where you're creating little warm leads.

It's almost rejection proof to think of it this way. You're just walking around doing quick little, hey, excuse me, I like your glasses. Great dance moves. Hey, nice tattoo. Love your style. Just talking moves. Hey, nice tattoo. Love your style. Just talking like short little five second opens. And you're not even giving a woman any chance to quote reject you. You're just breaking the ice getting into that good Ryan the bold state.

And then second round, all of a sudden you're that cool guy who's being social and talking to women and women notice that and like the fact that you weren't a conversation leech you weren't hitting on her you're just kind of loosening up does that make sense I think it does make sense yeah yeah I need to completely change the way that I'm in like overhauled my night well let's talk about that I'm glad you saidhaul my night. Well, let's talk about that. I'm glad you said that. Here's what I want you to think about. This is in my book. But and by the way, anybody listening to this,

if you want a free copy of my book, all you got to do is shoot me an email. I'll send any podcast listener a copy of Dating Sucks, but you don't. No charge. So you just email me. This is in the show notes. So anyway, but I'm opening my book right now and it's chapter 10, which is the how-to mechanics chapter about approaching. I want to share with you something that's in my book, but I'll talk about it right now. When you go out at night, you said, I need to overhaul my night.

Here's how I want you to overhaul it, okay? Think of there being five steps. When you go out at night, there are only five steps I want you to follow. Here they are. Step number one, open often. Open lots of conversations. Minimize time in between approaches.

That's step number one, like I mentioned earlier. Step number two, offer value. Be yourself step number one. Like I mentioned earlier step number two offer value Be yourself be authentic offer authentic value try to bring something to the table Even if it's just a good positive quick little compliment a little cracking a joke Noticing the two women are dressed alike joking about that. Those are ways we offer value so that's step number two is offer value step number three is those are ways we offer value. So step number two is offer value. Step number three is which how do I put this? I guess I'd say make a man make a man to woman connection or try to. In other words, if she's a cute girl, if you've been talking for a couple minutes,

flirt a little bit. Let her know you like her. Tease, joke, flirt. That's step number three. Tease joke flirt at step number three step number four is go for the close Bare minimum get a phone number But basically escalate things beyond just a nice conversation go for a number ask her out Take her somewhere to a different part of the bar introduce her to your friends essentially escalate it from just you and she talking Bare minimum get a phone number. Ideally, leave the bar with her eventually. Pull. And step number five, which is the least sexy, but super important. Step number five is find something good, positive, or funny about every single approach. Everyone. Whether it goes great, or whether it's laughably bad. So again, step one, whether it goes great or whether it's laughably bad. So again, step one, open often. Step two, offer authentic value. Step three, be man to woman, flirt a little bit. Step

four, go for that close. Go for something, a phone number, something. And step five, every approach, whether it's five seconds or five hours, you ask yourself, what was good about that? What can I feel good about? Or what was funny? ask yourself what was good about that what can I feel good about or what was funny something what was the lesson in other words step five another way to stay step five is no self judgment or at least no harsh self judgment so when I go out at night and when you go out at night Ryan all I really want you to do is say I'm just gonna follow the five steps it's gonna open often bring some value and see what and see what I find and not judge any interaction

and find some good value. And by doing this, you're going to get out of your head. You're going to turn off that judgmental side of you or that safe side that's looking for who's the safe set, who's the safe girl to approach. You're just going to start bouncing around a bar kind of like bumper cars in girl to approach. You're just gonna start bouncing around a bar kinda like bumper cars in a good way. You're just like bouncing around to different people,

offering value, having fun. Women are dying for guys like that to come talk to them. Cause you're not, remember, there's no step that says, get what you want, take from her, be creepy. No, it's all about giving. It's giving value giving authentic good genuine mojo and women want to be with a cool guy like you who's got something to give and she's gonna want to give back how does that

structure sound big picture yeah yeah it makes sense it's a very like fundamentally different in terms of like I don don't know. Yeah, so it's a less negative view in terms of like, you know, throwing out nags or something or whatever, you know, like that's Yeah, it's not that by the way, there's nothing wrong with teasing and joking, having fun. But yeah, negative nags, quote unquote, old school negs, trying to mess with a girl's self-esteem, doing things that are manipulative. Yeah, there's, there's, there's no room for that. That's just low integrity. I don't think, I don't think it works. Even if it worked, I wouldn't want to go through my dating life that way. But

it also doesn't work because I tried everything. I tried it all. And that stuff generally doesn't work. But I say I share these five steps with you, not because I want you to feel kind of like some kind of robot, or it's like time to follow the next step. It's just a way to get some certainty between your ears. So that when you go out at night, there's so much uncertainty, right? Who knows what's going to happen with any given approach? You just can't predict. So follow these five steps because they're going to give you a sense of certainty that makes you feel really good. It's like my only goal when I go out at night is I want to follow these five steps. And

here's the nice thing about these steps and I'd love for you to your next night out. Basically, that's what I want you to do. Those are your marching orders. Just follow the five steps for the next night you go out. And what I think you're gonna find, you're gonna find that you're gonna start off in your head, you're gonna start off a little nervous and in your head. That's totally normal in human. It's fine, it's healthy actually, in a way. It's healthy, because you're like,

I'm a nervous person, I don't wanna bother people. It's a sign of your mental health. That's a good thing in a way. But you're probably going to start off the night in your head. But once you start taking action, offering value, having some fun, and also, and that step five is so important, finding good fundamental, good mojo from every approach, you're going to laugh off the quote rejections because they're not going to bother you anymore. And that's going to make it so much easier for you to talk to other women, and you're going to get some good results too. And basically the five steps, it's not about being a regimented robot, it's about, let's unlock Ryan the bold. Let's unlock the flow state that feels so good to you and feels so good to women.

So the five steps, it's actually a key to unlocks the flow state, Ryan, the bold version of you. Yeah, it's just about doing it. It's about doing it. Yeah, I definitely will focus on. Yeah, something that I can try to put into action. Yeah, could I, I have another question which happened on New Year's and this is also kind of similar to, I think this might fall into the category of what we were saying, but there was this girl that I like, there's this one girl I approached and like, she seemed pretty receptive. Like she smiled, she asked me what my name was, she introduced

and then she did all that. And then she's like, Oh, I'm walking over to get my friends. So it's kind of like, on the one hand, it's like an ejecting thing because it's like she needs to go. But um, she, you know, it seems like she's smiling and as it's like, at least not like terribly disinterested. So maybe like based on what you said, is it maybe I let her go, I'm super nice, and then I catch her later or something when it's more conducive.

How long did you speak with her? It's like 20 seconds, 30 seconds. Ooh, okay. That's tough to make that stick. It's doable, but man, 20 seconds. That's not very much time. That's why I try to hit that two minute mark. So what was the situation again?

You approached her and she was, was she walking when you approached her or she started walking? She was walking. She was walking. So like, I think she probably was trying to get back to her friends or something. Okay. So, so you approached her while she's walking. So you're walking with her.

No, I wasn't. I kind of was just like standing. Yeah, I usually try to avoid me exactly what happened. Give me the play by play. Okay, I'm at the bar with my three friends. She's walking around the bar like to go to her friends like by herself. She's walking around the bar. I stop her. And I say hi. And I made some joke again about like, like opens, uh, pretty injured,

like made some joke or something. She's like, Oh, like, you know, it was like smiling. She's like, and she's like, what's your name? And like, you know, and I told her what my name was and she, um, that was told me. And I made some joke. I probably, I didn't really know. I need to, that comes up all the time. So I have to have something up all the time so I

have to have something to say but she asked me what my name was and I made some stupid joke. I was like oh like the government doesn't let me say that or that's okay. That's top secret. I can't tell you that. Yeah something like that. She stopped for a few for 20 seconds and then basically said, I got to go meet my friends. Yeah, it was, it was, yeah. Okay, great. First of all, let's, let's follow, let's look at the five steps real quick. Let's use step five.

What was good about that? What did you do that was good or that you could feel good about or something positive from that. Really stopped and was enough like I think she was had some degree of, you know, wanting to have a conversation at least clearly, even if it was a small one. Right. Great. It's also it sounds like you did a had a funny as if that's a pretty funny joke. I like that the you're on a need to know basis. I can't tell you my name top

secret or whatever. That's funny. I like that. You're on a need to know basis. I can't tell you my name, top secret or whatever. That's funny. I like that. That's what I mean by step five is you always want after every approach you want to say, okay, what did I do that was good? What did I do that I can feel good about? Before you analyze about what you should do better or differently. But I want to tell you that too. Of course we want both.

So always give yourself some good mojo first. Hey, at least you approached most probably 10 other guys saw her and did jack shit and you stepped up. Mr. Bold. I love it. Cool. Anyway, cool. But now let's talk about what to do differently, what to do better or try to. So if I was in your shoes, if I was with you that night coaching you, I would have said walk with her. If she says, Oh, I can't talk, I got to go meet my friends, then you take the lead and say, Great, let's go meet your friends. Let's go. Where are they? I'll help you find them and essentially lead her toward her friends. Women love a leader.

Women love a man who's leading them somewhere. Now, if she says, That's okay, I don't need you don't need to do that. I'm fine. Okay, if she that's that's, that will be her version of Nice meeting you. I don't think she would have said that based on what you said. I think she would have been like, okay, they're over there, let's go. And then you kind of go with her. And then you have to be really bold here. Here's where Ryan,

the bold really has to be in touch with that identity. You got to be that man of action. And you lead her to the friends like, ladies, I think I found the missing person in your group. You can get her. And now you've probably bought yourself five minutes with her because you just stepped up and took kind of bold action and and not only stopped her but kind of brought her into your world and in a sense, or at least led her to meet her friends.

So that would be that would have been a very proactive thing to have done, which you which you can do next time because I guarantee you that will happen again the next time you're out or it could happen again. It's pretty common like situation. Yeah. So just lead. It's kind of like it's good to stop her if you can and have her talk to you for at least a couple minutes.

But if the momentum of her in that night is going to find her friends, then be the water, not the rock. Flow with her and lead her toward, and I mean literally lead, like a half step ahead of her. Hey, great. Where are your friends? Which is that them over there? And then you kind of show her that you're leading her toward her friends. Make sense? Wow that's yeah that's super interesting I

would have never thought about that actually. Why? No it's okay but why? Let me guess. Oh that's that's too... try hard or creepy or what? Creepy yeah is the thing. I feel like I want to give the like, um, woman a way out is like, this is always kind of on my mind. Like when I, even when I approach women on the street and stuff, I'm like, if I'm approached, like I actually feel a little bit better if I approach a girl and there's like at least some other people around, because there's at least some semblance of like safety there. There's like, um, this is at least like my own logic. I'm like, you know, if it's on a night,

like on a side street by herself, and you know, she's going to be thinking like, what is, is there a safety concern? This is a different situation, like in the bar, but you know, I'm like, oh, am I walking with her? She's like, oh, how do I get rid of this guy? You know, like, how do I not drag him along? You know, I'm like, if she wants to get rid of you, she'll say it was nice meeting you. I'm fine. In which case, okay. Yeah. And then I cool. Have a great night. All good. Remember that girl who rejected me made out with me an hour later. Okay. Yeah. Did she think I was a creep? Not a not too much of a creep where she didn't want to kiss me on the

dance floor. So even if she does say, Hey, I'm good. Thanks. Anyway, she'll say I'm good. Thanks. Anyway, and then that's her nice, polite way of saying no thanks, dude. And you'll take that as a gentleman you are because you have empathy and compassion. So that'd be fine. But we don't know because you didn't try. That's okay. I'm not yelling at you. I'm saying you didn't try from a very good place of not wanting

to come off as creepy or try hard. But what if you came off as persistent and dominant and charming and exactly the kind of guy she's looking for? Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. And then she says no, it's basically with mine says, all right, have a good night. And then if I see her again, try, you know, see if I catch her in a better mood. Yeah, she says no, you're like, hey, all good. No worries. No worries. You're never going to learn my name because you know, I can't.

I went to CIA. I can't tell you my name now, but have a good night. Maybe crack a joke. She might come back an hour later and be like, hey, by the way, sorry, I couldn't talk to you longer. I was in a hurry. Again, persistence plus charm. And by persistence, I just mean action mode, good intentions, and then assert what you want with that girl until you and she get it in a way that you're both enjoying or until you get clear evidence that she's not feeling it, which is fine Totally fine, too

So that's just our job as men especially in the in the wild The wild west of a bar at night on a weekend night, you know crazy things can happen Yeah, this this whole thing is really like about see oh she's in a bad like it's it's a really different way of looking like I Remember there's this you know, cause my brain is like super binary. It's like, she either is in the, you know, we talked about this last time. This is obviously gonna, it's gonna, you know, I'm starting to work with it. And, um, it's, uh, it's a process. Um, it's like, you know, she's attracted to me. She wants to have sex with me or she doesn't, you know, and, um, it's like, you know, she's attracted to me. She wants to have sex with me or she doesn't, you know, and, um, it's like, I remember this time in college where there was this girl that, um,

you know, one, one night she had kind of seemed interested, like flirty. She asked me, like, she started asking me about like my dating history, just like, just seeming like super touchy, just like seem pretty interested. But then another night, like, you know, she was in a really bad mood and I was kind of like, Oh, Hey, how's it going? And I don't think it had anything to do with me. Um, and she was like, really not wanting to talk. And I kind of was persisting a little bit.

And I felt, but then I, you know, I felt terrible and I apologized the next day and she was a little, you know, and then she's like, yeah, yeah, we were still friends after that. I didn't do anything like crazy, but I was persisting and not really picking up on the social queue because I had my own like story in my head of Oh, you know, she she's interested or oh, she's not interested in. Yeah. I think that's probably not good. Right. You want to have I'd rather if you're going to tell yourself a story every woman either is or isn't interested in me. Tell yourself everyone is interested until proven otherwise. At least that's a powering way to look at it. Why wouldn't she be?

You're Ryan the bold. Why wouldn't she be into you? If she isn't, that's okay. Of course it's narcissistic to think that way. It's absurd, but it's way more empowering than I assume every woman's not into me. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. The truth is somewhere in the middle. So let's hope for the best and act as if the best is going to happen. And then when she says, No, thanks. I'm all good. By the way, she gave you some a couple big indicators. She stopped on her path of finding her girlfriends to talk to you for

at least 20 seconds and showed you some good social indicators anyway. So my advice again would be one of my old coaches used to say use the power of let's, let's go find your friends. Let's go on an adventure. Let's go find your friends so nobody kidnaps you. You're in my care. Basically, take her in take her on a sort of a little instant date in a sense. And most women love a guy like that who does that, or at least they find it charming. And then who knows what might happen once you find the friends but that might be enough to create a real sense of of a man

of action who's having fun, who's showing her a fun time, and that's very attractive to women. And if she does find it not, she isn't interested in it, then fine. You tried. Have a good night. Nice meeting you. And then there's nothing creepy about that. You're at a bar. She went out to socialize and meet people, potentially a guy like you. Yeah, to me it's way, you know what's way creepier than taking a shot, taking some kind of positive, good intention action

with a woman is wanting to and not doing it. Yeah, it's just like staring passively and wishing you had, that's way creepier to women than being the man who's stepping up. Yeah, or like looking for like waiting for oh, she you know, oh, I'm not getting my like that's also probably. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And I guess this is really where the state comes into because if you're pulling off really bold moves Like, you know, even that like I'm gonna walk you back to your friends Like, you know, then once you meet him you make jokes you introduce yourself like all those things like That's probably we're warming up. I mean you have to be in a pretty good state Yeah, I mean sometimes is this is this something that I can like

put into play the next time I go out? Because I'm so anxious and so worried and like, sometimes I'm not in the best state and you know, I want to start opening up to them seeing if I get my state better. But what happens if I just feel like, oh, man, I just am not confident, like I'm in a bad state and I'm like, well, that's how you're gonna start the night. Pre accept that. Yeah, you're gonna start that way probably. Especially if you're not a big drinker, like I'm totally sober. But if you don't drink or if you don't drink much, you'll probably start the night without a whole lot of

momentum. And what you do is you just remember I said start. There's no reason you should remember this. You want to start the night following the steps. but start short and sweet. Five, ten second little opens. Oh hey, excuse me miss. That's a really great tattoo. Love it. And then you can immediately bounce. You don't even need to stand there for longer than five seconds. If she gives you a giant smile, you might want to keep talking or keep standing there. But I think of the first kind of round talking to people, just short, sweet little opens. Little. I like to play a game called I dig with my clients, which is let's just go around the room telling a few women what we dig about them or something about them that we dig what we like. Cool tattoo,

cool glasses. I remember I was with my client, then client Jason in San Diego, doing a road trip approach weekend with him in San Diego. And we did this first, we're at this really cool bi level bar in San Diego, or, you know, a double deck or double level bar. And we're upstairs and we're just kind of making the rounds of like, doing three or four quick little, I dig, I dig this, I dig that. And I remember Jason saw this really cute girl with really kind of cute, cool, like nerdy glasses. Like I'm going to age myself here, date myself here. But Lisa Loeb had a big hit song 25 years ago called Stay. And there was this girl with these Lisa Loeb glasses that Jason noticed notice he's like hey those are really cute glasses like your glasses she lit up and smile sweet make a little round.

Just starting off on the five steps fifteen minutes we've only been there for twenty minutes. And then as we're about to head downstairs this girl with the glasses and her cute friend came up to us and said hey we're going're going downstairs. Do you want to come have a drink with us? And all of a sudden, we're based on a double date. And all we did was start off short and sweet with quick little five second opens just breaking the ice. But what but what we're really doing, even though we're breaking the ice with women at the start of the night, you're really breaking the ice inside of you. So that you can loosen up, get into that Ryan the bold state. So don't worry at the beginning of the night,

you're going to feel like insecure Ryan probably at least to start. It's okay. That's a that's just your brain fucking with you. Looking around the room. Because when you walk into a venue at night, you look around the room because when you walk into a venue at night you look around the room and your brain does something really kind of Kind of messed up. It looks around the room and says do I have value here? Am I safe am I someone important can I feel significant and safe and certain and Your brain might not give you the answer you want. So you had to prove to your brain that you're safe. You're fine. You're good. Some people are going to

like you. Some people probably won't, or at least will be neutral to you. That's fine, too. But basically, the reason why we follow the steps is to teach your brain, hey, I'm awesome. Lots of people are going to enjoy talking to me. And some who don't that's fine That doesn't hurt that bad either Yeah, yeah, it's a Yeah, that's a very different way of looking at it than I've been doing in the past so another thought I have for you

And we'll wrap up here in about two minutes I want to give you a chance to have one last question before we wrap up So think of something good, but I want to give you another tip that I think is going to be really valuable. Because I'm hearing a lot of when you go out and I'm hearing a lot of very safe, like safe approaches. Like, okay, you'll approach you'll do something if it's safe. And what I want you to turn yourself, I wanna turn this idea on for you, this idea that what you think is safe is really risky. And what you think is risky is actually really safe.

It's a paradox of approaching. Talk about this in my book. I got this concept from one of my old coaches, a guy named Owen Cook, who's probably approached more women than there are women on the earth. He used to say, what's risky is safe and what's safe is risky. Here's what he was getting at.

Here's what I've seen. You think it's safe to not make the bold move or you think it's safe to not come off as creepy, but by being safe, you're going to be more timid. You're going to let girls go. You're going to be overly cautious and you're going to lose out on some really great opportunities. However, by doing what feels risky, by approaching five women who are in the middle of a conversation and walking right up to them and trying to command all of them, or by walking with that woman who

is on her way to meet her friends and leading her to her friends. That's going to feel risky in the moment but it's actually very smart and safe because it's those kinds of risks and chances and courage that women notice and signal to them this is a man of value that I should seriously consider. I want a man in my life. I don't want a timid boy. So it might feel safe to not lead that girl to her friends, but it's actually very risky,

because you risk losing her like you did that night. And it might feel risky to walk up to that stunner who's talking to three other people, and you just walk right up. It might feel might feel petrifying and I know how that feels but that is gonna get her attention and it give you it's a very safe smart thing to do if you want a real shot with her because she's gonna notice that so Owen used to use this analogy he was like imagine you're flying a plane you're a pilot it's your first day flying planes for the airline. And you're scared shitless. It might seem logical and safe

to fly nice and low to the ground. But guess what, that's where the mountains and the buildings are. Not safe. However, if you pull back on the throttle and zoom up to 30,000 feet, God, that's scary up there. It's scary to go that high, right. But that's, yeah, yeah, that's where you can safely fly the plane. Nice and high. I just I never forgot that analogy. So whenever I go out with clients to approach, I'm like, let's do some risky things or things that feel risky. In fact, you're not being risky, you're actually being really safe and smart. The riskiest thing you can do is timid, half-hearted, safe

approaches because you risk never having a good result. That's no fun. Yeah, it's a really interesting analogy. It gives you more permission to have fun too. It's more fun flying a plane at 10,000 or 20,000 feet. Yeah, I was with my client Nick. Here we are talking right at the New Year has begun. And I was thinking back some of my favorite moments in the field with my clients. Can I tell you a really quick story that I think will be absolutely helpful to you? Yeah, of course. A few months ago I'm with my client Nick here at a cool lounge in New York City. And like you, Nick was way too focused on indicators of interest. He was constantly looking for all those so called indicators. So Nick is

talking to a really cute young woman in a little mini skirt. She's um Southeast Asian ethnicity, stylish, she seemed really cool. I didn't actually meet her but I'm standing five feet away so I can see her and him talking. She's a beautiful young girl, young woman. Anyway Nick is talking to her for 10 minutes. I'm literally, I can't hear what they're saying but I can see her smiling, I can see she touches him a few times. I'm writing notes in my phone saying, little cutie in skirt loves him. So I'm going to give him some notes later.

Anyway, so their conversation ends. All of a sudden, the little group of five or six people that included her and Nick, it ended. The conversation ended and this girl starts walking away. She was in a red mini skirt. She starts walking away. Nick comes back to me and I said, what happened? You got her number, right? He said, oh no, no, she wasn't into me.

I said, what? What are you talking about? He said, oh no, I could tell she wasn't into me. I'm like,? What are you talking about? He said, Oh, no, I could tell she wasn't into me. And I'm like, No, she definitely was. He's like, Oh, well, you know, she wasn't, she, you know, she talked to the other guy for a second. And she wasn't like twirling her hair. And I'm like, Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay, here's what you're gonna do. By the way, this this brunette with the red miniskirt. At this point, she's now 50 yards away, she's walking away, she's now 50 yards away she's

walking away she's in a different part of the bar so I said here's what you're gonna do you are going to literally right now go chase her down and you're gonna approach her and you're gonna say this hey I should have asked your number but now I am because I want to take you out. What's your number? And he had to chase her down to do this and he didn't want to but it was my wingman weekend which is every guy has to do what I tell him or else. Also I put him in a headlock basically. Anyway so Nick with me literally behind him saying go do it now do it now he walked after her actually jogged after her tapped her on the shoulder it was a very awkward approach it would not

have been anything I would have taught as in like this is the right way to do it in other words it felt really risky and awkward to him so he taps her on the shoulder she turns around and he says the thing basically hey I should have asked you for your number in there but I wimped out but here I am I want to take you out and I could see her face light up she smiled and she put her hand out and said give me your phone and he got her number and she put it in his phone. So he was way too caught. So the lesson here is don't over read for indicators of interest.

If a cute girl is talking to you, assume she likes you. And assume the best instead of trying to avoid the worst. And the other lesson, the reason why I wanted to share this with you is because it felt risky and scary for him to ask for that number. He was playing it safe. By telling himself he wasn't getting the indicators. He was playing it safe, but he risked losing the cutest girl

in the bar who was super into him. By then turning around and doing the scary thing, doing the quote risky thing, that was actually the safe and smart move to do because she loved that he stepped up and finally went for it. Yeah. So I'm not saying I don't want you to have to chase 50 yards after a girl I'd rather you just step up and do it. But that was one of my favorite moments from last year of with me with my clients just because it was a great moment where Nick said, You know what, it's time to start doing what's what's

scary. What's what what feels scary and risky. And the bottom line is what feels scary and risky is actually the safe, smart thing to do. So start taking some risks or take actions that feel like risks because actually you're doing the smart, safe thing. Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. Okay, two minutes left. Last question that I can answer in about two minutes. Fire away. Yeah, I want to, let's say you're talking to a girl and you see things are, or, I mean,

so we already talked back to that like to that situation where I'm talking to those, well, the official game lingo, those two girls. Like, if you know I'm talking and I start flirting with her, if I'm with her friend, it's all going well. Determining, something that I have trouble with is like, you know, what like she's interested like the girls flirting with me like but her friends there like Do I ask for a number do I try to take her home? Like how can I? Figure that out. I have another like more concrete situation if that helps, but I think this is pretty like

Yeah repeated type stuff that will happen. So your question is you're talking to a cute girl at a bar and then what do you do? Yeah if she's with friends like basically figuring out can I take like you know like your friends want to leave her friends are going to another bar. How long did you talk to her? Let's say it's like usually when I have this thought it's been a like at least five minutes. Okay. Well, remember, remember step four, go for the close. Bare minimum.

What is step four? What does that mean? Go for the close. What's the bare minimum? It's at least a number, right? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

So every here's a, okay, here's one of your marching orders going forward. Every time you were talking to a woman you find attractive and you hit the two minute mark, take your phone out and say hey let me get your number we have to stay in touch or i want your number give me your number a little smile so positive but also assertive okay so at least the very least you got her phone number you can um reconnect with her you have a chance you have a lead. Now don't stop talking to her after two minutes, but get the number that shows some of that

man to woman intent that women want to see from a guy to show that he's stepping up. But so anyway, I would say going forward, two minutes, definitely by five minutes, take your phone out. Hey, what's your number? We have to stay in touch. But your question is, beyond that, what do you do when she's with a group of friends? Yeah, like I isn't logistically possible to take her home that night. You sure it is you just gonna have to hang out with her for a

while. So this is a longer topic. It's hard for me to answer this in just 60 seconds. But here's like the Cliff's notes version. If you want to take a girl home with you, which is great, you're gonna have to talk, spend a lot of time with her. I mean, a reasonable amount of time. So you're gonna wanna, one option you have is you essentially befriend the whole group.

If she's with her girlfriends or her group, chances are she's not gonna leave them and spend a couple hours with you, at least not until you have put in some time and effort. So if was this was this kind of early in the night was in the middle of the night or was it late in the night? Middle of the night. Okay, fair enough. So what I would have done, I would have suggested to you is let's say

I'm live coaching you in that moment. I would say, well, first of all, did you meet the other friends? Did you meet everybody she's with? No, she was in a group of like, four, like, let's say five or six, and two of them were split off. And I was talking to two of them. Okay. Did you talk to anybody else from her crew besides her? Her and her friends, yeah. Okay. So you talked to some of the friends? Yeah.

Okay, great. Well, what you want to do is you did great. You did the right thing. You talked to her but you also talked to the friends because you want to let her friends give you that social proof. That's really valuable, right? She's not going to leave with you to go somewhere else, unless her friends know you and like you. So you're going to definitely want to hang with the friends. And ideally, you would essentially kind of merge your group with her group. And again,

be that leader. Be that leader. Like I said, just like I told you to hey, lead lead that girl who was walking by you to find her friends, be become the group leader or at least take some charge here and do things like invite the invite and maybe invite your girl on an instant date. If you get to know her friends a little bit and the friends know and like you, you might say, Hey, you know what? Jenny and I are going to go grab a drink. Would you like that? Jenny, shall we go to the bar? Kind of take her on a little instant date. And if the friends have met you you they'll probably Probably be okay with that because her friends want her to meet up and hook up with a cool guy like you

That's one option Or you could just stay with that group and essentially kind of enter their party But as long as you're bringing that value you're bringing that Fun intelligent funny Ryan the bold self. You'll be adding more value, you're not going to be bothering them, you're going to be with them, hopefully. And then at the end of the night, some of her friends might peel off, get tired, do their own thing. And as the night winds down, then you can kind of screen the girl you like to see

if she and you want to go somewhere privately together. Now that first place you're going to go probably isn't her apartment or your apartment. It's probably going to be another venue. So you want to go somewhere else together, but basically invite her out on a date that night, an instant date. But before you do that, you're going to have to get her friends to know you and meet you and like you at least a little bit because they're going to basically need to sign off on you. Make sense? Yeah, yeah, that totally makes sense. Here's one final quick story to illustrate this.

I was in Vegas at a club called XS many, many years ago and I met this big group of women, five, six, seven of them. You know, girls go to Vegas as big groups and I really clicked and hit it off with this woman named Sarah. And unbeknownst to me, she basically had a boyfriend in backward in San Francisco where she lived at the time. But she was in Vegas and I never asked about the boyfriend.

So that's good that I didn't ask. But anyway, I met her whole friend group. I met Sarah and I met a couple other people she was with. And I talked to all of them. I was friendly with them, but I was flirty with Sarah. I'm a flirty with Sarah. And actually Sarah's really good friend. I forget her name.

It's been many years. Let's call her Emily. Sarah's really good friend Emily. She and I really hit it off just in a friendly way. And so Emily actually said to me, by the way, we really like you. Sarah's guy back home, he's such a dick. We're rooting for you tonight. So let me know if we can help you.

Oh, so Emily actually is playing matchmaker and making it easy for Sarah and I to have an instant date, which we did. We had an instant date. Nothing happened. We didn't hook up or anything. But clearly Sarah liked me. You know, she had a boyfriend or a guy back home and nothing happened. But I could tell she liked me and it was just it was a great example of, of what to do to answer your question, which is try to befriend the whole group, be genuine, be authentic, don't supplicate, but be good company. And then if they get to know you

and like you, they'll probably sign off on you and her friend having something happen because a woman's girlfriends want her to be with a cool guy like you. You're not doing anything wrong. In fact, you're you're they're out to they're probably out to meet a guy just like you. So why not be that guy? Yeah, okay, that's right. First things first, get the phone number, at least get yourself a number and

a lead so you could follow up and then be good company, lead them socially and who knows as the night winds down, read the dynamics of the situation, find out you know where she lives, what they're all doing that night if they have any other plans, and you might get some good logistics where you realize, oh, hey, the girl I like, and I actually are both free for the rest of the night, invite her on an instant date. And if the friends know you and

like you, they'll sign off on it, probably. And love can happen in the night. Yeah, it didn't happen for me that night in Vegas. But but it still was really fun. It didn't happen for me that night in Vegas, but it still was really fun. It was a really fun night of learning and realizing how, wow, I can make a girl's female friend. Not only are women not cock blocks necessarily, sometimes they can become your wing women, which is great. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's the power of being like a positive, friendly charismatic person. I get it. It makes sense. Okay, here are your marching orders. Next night out, I want you to first check in with yourself before you go out. Remind yourself who Ryan the Bold is. You're bold. You have a great sense of humor. You're,

you're emotionally intelligent. I think you said Yeah, that core, that core story about all the things you offer women, you want to stay in touch with that every single day, especially right before you go out at night. And then just just remind yourself no matter what happens tonight, I am very worthy of pretty wonderful women. And just be in touch with that. This will take so much of the pressure off because you know that no matter what happens

in terms of results, you're a freaking awesome dude. And then that's the mindset piece of it. And then when you go out to put the mechanics in place, just keep it really simple. Tonight, my only goal is to follow the five steps. I'm gonna open often, I'm gonna offer value, be myself, try to make people's nights better, step two, offer value. You see a cute girl you like, chat with her, hit the two minute mark, be a bit man to woman,

flirt a little bit, go for the number, keep chatting with her if it's going well. Step four, escalate things. Bare minimum phone number. Maybe, you know, set up a date. Maybe even go for an instant date. And no matter how long that interaction lasts, after every approach, step five, what was good about that? What did I do that was positive? What can I feel good about? What lesson did I learn? In other words, no self judgment. Okay, when you're in the field, at least no harsh self judgment. We can save the self judgment for our conversations and our coaching. I'll judge you. I'll judge you. Don't judge yourself. And if you follow these five steps, you're going to notice Ryan, the bold get into that flow state. And that's

going to make approaching so much easier. It's going to be natural, you're going to be in the zone, and that's going to be that higher self that Ryan the bold starts to come out. And that's when the magic will happen. But anyway, just keep it simple, very process based. And along the way, just kind of notice those little moments of, of, of a risk you want to take and remind yourself, hey, wait a minute, Connell said risky is safe and safe is risky, so go take those risks and you're going to see some great things happen because Ryan the Bold is very attractive to lots and lots of women.