How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Use these 5 Escalation Secrets to Escape the Dreaded Friend Zone

Episode Date: October 10, 2023

You’ve probably had first dates that you thought went well, with good conversation and no awkward silences. And then when you ask her out again, she lowers the boom: “Hey, I just didn’t feel a spark. But we can be friends.” Or maybe she just ghosts you! It’s so frustrating.Your problem? Odds are, you’re not “escalating” on dates in the 5 core ways that dial up romantic connection. If you don’t know these Escalation Secrets, you’ll likely struggle on dates and not even know why.In this episode, dating coach Connell Barrett lays out the 5 Escalation Secrets you need on dates to stop hearing, “Let’s be friends” and start heading, “Let’s go out again!” You’re about to get the keys to escape the Friend Zone. Listen now!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC: www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Quotes"Think of flirting on a date as a dance of connection. It's your job, not hers, to lead that dance." -Connell BarrettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite: https://datingtransformation.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:00 - Introduction02:01 - Conscious Escalation: Navigating Romance in Dating04:36 - Minimal Touch, Uncertain Connection: A Sensual Journey08:26 - The Seductive Walk: Where Connection Begins11:29 - Decisions in Dating: Verbal and Physical Escalation13:55 - Escalating with Intent: Mastering the Five Date Escalators16:17 - Tactics for Escalating Romance: The Art of Dating19:58 - Learning from the Past: Evaluating Your Dating Choices22:35 - Keys to Successful and Respectful Dating Escalation24:35 - OutroProduced by Heartcast Mediahttps://www.heartcastmedia.com

damn, she has the sexiest walk I've seen since Obama was president. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. All right. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you flirt, gain confidence, get dates, and find a great girlfriend, and doing it all by being authentic. And here's what I want to get to today. I'm really psyched for this. This is going to be about a 20-minute pod, a little bit on the short side, but I'm going to pack so much value and insight into it. I think it's going to blow your mind the way you look at first and second dates. Because on today's pod, I'm going to talk about how to stop getting

ghosted after first dates, how to stop getting that next day message. Hey, I'm just not into you. Well, women don't say that. Hey, I just wasn't feeling the spark. If you struggle with hitting that first and second date wall and a really cool, attractive woman who you have a good conversation with, if the date flows well, you think it goes well, but then she goes quiet. She's not interested. She just says, I'm not feeling it. Today, I'm going to help you fix that. I'm going to help you figure out how to fix the holes in your love life, specifically

on first and second dates. So I want to talk to you about the five escalators. There are five escalators, five core escalators that you want to understand are at play on a first date. Most men don't even know they're there. And even if you know they're there, you still have to consciously, for the most part,, go up these escalators. When I say escalators, I'm talking about mutual win-win romantic escalation where you're pushing things forward and she's following you happily into it. Basically, you're leading the dance she's following, and you end with a first or a second date where you guys are making out, or you're just really connecting as people, or both, and she's chasing you and showing you interest and letting you know she wants to see

you again. And so there are five escalators. So I'm going to talk about the five escalators, what they are, and how to go up all five of them. Let me do it by telling you a story. So I was on a first date once upon a time, back when I was figuring all of this out. I was on a first date with the woman I'll call her Vanessa. So Vanessa and I were on a first date with the woman I'll call her Vanessa. So Vanessa and I were on a first date. And she has had and probably has long, beautiful brown hair. She's very tall and thin, very statue-esque, very model-esque, very attractive, also very fun, easy to talk to. And I was just super excited

about the date. I wanted it to go well. So we met at a bar. We had a drink at a rooftop bar. I'm sorry. We had a drink at a hotel bar. And then we moved to a second location, a rooftop bar for the second location in a cool lounge here in New York City where I live. And I was about, let's say, I guess we were about two hours into the date. And up to that point, we'd had a lot of fun. We had gotten to know each other a little bit. We're having a good time. But there was no romantic spark. There was no romantic spark. So, and I remember thinking to myself, okay, Connell, you've got to escalate this in at least one, maybe two ways. And what I realized I was doing or not doing was I had not said anything

verbally intentful to her. I had not given her verbally intentful to her. I had not given her a verbally intentful statement. I hadn't basically said something like, you're sexy. I really like X, Y, Z about you. It's sexy, it's attractive. And I also had not touched her very much at all, other than a quick hug, hello. And then when we moved from one venue to the second venue, I had put my arm out in that gentlemanly, please take my elbow kind of way. And she took my arm. That was a little bit of

physical touch, but I hadn't really expressed myself through some physical expression. Anyway, so we're about midway through the second venue on date number one. And I'm in my head a little bit thinking, okay, I got to say or do something because I feel like this is headed toward her saying, hey, I just wasn't feeling it. I had fun with you, but I just wasn't feeling it. So she gets up and she walks toward the woman's restroom across this lounge, floor in the lounge. And I remember watching her and I just remember looking at her thinking, damn, she has the sexiest walk I've seen since Obama was president or whatever I thought. That is the most, that is a sexy runway walk.

Damn. She probably weighed 109 pounds, five foot nine, but every atom of her was moving the way that I enjoyed seeing. She walks toward the ladies' room, and I have this thought, oh my God, that's the sexiest, hottest, most amazing walk I've seen in a long time on a date anyway. And I said to myself, hold on to that. Don't let go of that. Say that to her. Be authentic. Share your real thoughts and feelings. And so she comes back again, walking toward me. And I'm thinking, tell her, say it. So she sits down next to me. And I lean over to her. And I'm thinking, tell her, say it. So she sits down next to me and I lean over to her and I say, hey, I got to tell you something. And as I lean toward her, I also put my arm around her shoulder

and I pull her close as if to share a secret. And I said, hey, come here. I got to tell you something. Arm over her shoulder. My lips are right pressed against her ear in secret telling mode. And I say, I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news.

Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends girlfriends so book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you on your call Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence more dates and more fun oh and you'll be dating women as your best self A charming gentleman That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks He unlocks your most confident self

So you can make authentic romantic connections Your next steps? Book your free call today At datingtransformation.com forward slash contact And grab a time that works for you Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can.

Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. You have the sexiest, most incredible walk I have seen in I don't know how long, in years. And she swooned is a strong word, but she melted into me. And all of a sudden, as I touched her, I should say it with my arm over her shoulder, and I whispered in her ear, she places both of her hands on my chest, and she starts touching me back. And so now we're basically embracing. And she laughed and said, oh, well, haha, I did do some modeling when I was in my 20s. She's early 30s. I did some modeling in my 20s. And I learned how to walk in that model way.

And I said, you really learned how to walk in that model way. I couldn't take my eyes off you when you were walking away. Nothing fancy there, but I was being really verbally, intentfully clear about how I was feeling about her and what her beauty and general feminine energy, general vibe was doing to me. And also the physical move also sent her a message, sent her the message that said, hey, this guy is not afraid to make a move, to take a small or medium romantic chance. And she accepted that the risk, the action was accepted. She touched me back. And then the next thing you know, she and I are making out in the risk, the action was accepted. She touched me back. And then the next thing you know, she and I are making out in the bar all over each

other. Well, I shouldn't say making out. We weren't doing it inappropriately. We just had a really nice first kiss because as she touched me back and my arm was over her shoulder, I could smell her perfume. Her body pressed against mine. And all of a sudden, we were connected as one. And then I kissed her. It was pretty easy at that point because I knew she wanted me to. And all of this happened in about 30 seconds

from the time she sat down to us embracing each other and having that first kiss. And yes, she absolutely wanted to see me again. She asked me out two days later, which most women, many women don't do that. Most women don't. And Vanessa asked me out. She invited me to a live music event. So clearly she wanted to keep seeing me and I wanted to keep seeing her. Everybody wins. So what is the purpose of the story? Well, there's these five escalators and I needed to make a decision during that first date to go up two of these escalators to give this first date a really good chance of a strong romantic mutual connection. So I basically made a decision, okay, I've got to escalate verbally, and I've got to physically non-verbally escalate. Those were the two escalators. I had not

gone up on, pardon my grammar. So let me backtrack now and give you some more context. Here are the five escalators. These are five escalators that are always at play, that are always there to go up if you so choose or to try to. Here are the five escalators of a date, any first date or second date, basically. First, basically think of this as escalators from date one through three, especially first dates. We're mainly talking about first dates in this episode. The first escalator is going from, it's the fun, the fun, playful escalator from one to ten. Let's call it a one to 10 scale. One is boring,

tedious conversation about taxes and politics and the weather. And 10 is laughing your ass off, having a blast. You're just having a time of your life. So the first escalator is fun and playfulness. Now, the second escalator is fun and playfulness. Now, the second escalator is going from less personal conversation to more personal. So one to 10 would be, number one would be, hey, nice meeting you. How's your day? And 10 is, you know everything. She knows your deepest fears and hopes and dreams and you know hers. The third escalator is verbal intent, clear verbal intent, where you let her know that there's something about her you find sexy,

amazing, attractive. So number one would be basically, hey, you look nice. How are you treating her like she's your friend or your sister? What I did when I said to Vanessa, your walk is so sexy, I would say that's about a seven on the one to 10 scale. And you can go up to 10. 10 would be basically, I want to take you home and uh kiss you all over in the dark and go down on you until your toes curl with pleasure okay that would be something like a 10 uh number four the fourth escalator is physical slash non-verbal touching looking at her with some romantic intent using your your body, basically mainly physical, but also eye contact, voice, how you use your body.

One to 10 scale. One is not touching at all. You're sitting on your hands, never touching her. 10 is obviously sex, intimacy. And then along the way, there's things like high fives, handholding, kissing all on that scale of one to 10 and the fifth and final logistical, I'm sorry, the fifth and final date escalator is logistical. That just, that just means where you are, where you are physically together. Um, one to 10 scale one is you don't is you meet up at that first spot, wherever that is, a bar,

coffee shop, whatever, and you don't go anywhere. You just stay there. And a 10 would be you go to a couple other places, you go to another bar, you go to take a walk, you hang out on a park bench, then maybe you go back to your rooftop or your apartment, and then eventually your or her bedroom. That's obviously escalating as far as we can go to the bedroom, right? So those are the five escalators. And so let's go back to the story I opened with, Vanessa and me. I was doing really well on the fun escalator. Really well. Women have a good time with me. I'm happy to say. The second one, personal, less personal to more personal. We were doing really well. I was learning all about her. She was learning about me.

I think these first two escalators are the most important. We got to have a sense of fun and playfulness. And she has to feel like she's getting to know you and meeting you. I'm sorry, meeting the real you and escalating things and just learning more about each other on a personal level. What I hadn't been doing though, up until I made that move, was I hadn't done the third escalator, verbal intent, nor had I really touched her very much. I was not using my physicality. And then we had done one logistical venue change. But I wasn't going up escalator three or escalator four. And it was so helpful to have that tool in my mind, have the skill set to be able to know, okay, this date's going okay,

but it could be going great. How can I make it go great? I said to myself. And I realized, oh, damn, I could say something much more verbally flirtatious to her and see how that lands. And I can also make a little bit of a physical move, throw my arm around her, whisper in her ear with my lips close to her ear, me, my breath whispering on her. That's a physical move. And it was those... So I basically made two moves in one, a dovetail, physical escalation plus that verbal intent. Now, by the way, I wasn't thinking about this all in this logistical, I'm sorry, analytical, logical way like I'm talking about it now. I was just on a date with a really cool, attractive, bright woman. And I made a move because it felt like the right

thing to do. It felt authentic. It was real. I wanted to say it. I wanted to share with her. And I wanted to see if she was liking me as much as I was liking her. Turns out she was. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach, Conal Barrett, has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love.

He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. So please don't think about this as like some agenda you have to apply or something that's going to get you stuck in your logical mind. Just know right now there are these five escalators. And so how can you use these five escalators? Well, the first thing you can do

is use this matrix, this frame, this model of dating, these five escalators, use it to diagnose your next date or maybe diagnose the last first date you had. On your last first date with the woman who you were into, on a scale of 1 to 10, what number did you hit for fun and playfulness? 1 to 10, what number did you hit for personal, playfulness? One to 10, what number did you hit for personal, talking about each other more personally, you sharing and also learning about her? Number three, verbal intent escalator. How did you say anything to her like, you look sexy, you are gorgeous? Did you flirt with her with clear verbal interest? Number four, did you touch her at all? Did you hug hello?

Did you give her some fun high fives? Did you thumb wrestle? Did you whisper in her ear? Did you brush the hair out of her eyes? Did you hold her hand? Did you go for a kiss? Did you invite her over to get intimate if you and she are feeling it? And then the fifth logistical, I'm sorry, the fifth escalator is logistical, meaning did you just sit on the same bar stool for four hours or did you go to different places?

Women like variety. They like to move around from at least one spot to a second, maybe even a third. And by the way, moving to multiple spots will make it easier for you to move to her place or your place if you both want that. So first thing you can do is diagnose some of your past dates and be brutally honest. Be really honest here and say, all right, one to 10 scale, how far did I go up these escalators? I just did a coaching call last night with a cool gentleman. And he's been really struggling on first and second dates. He's a brand new client of mine. We haven't actually begun his actual official testing out.

But we're diagnosing the problem. And he's been getting stuck in that first and second date friend zone. We went through these five escalators and four out of the five, he was down at a two or three out of 10. That's why he's struggling. And so find out which of these escalators you are or are not going up and then start to dial up. Now, you don't have to get to 10. I'm not saying you need to get to a 10 on any of these. You just want to be walking up. Well, it's an escalator. You don't walk up an escalator unless it's broken. But you want to be going up that escalator. And it doesn't have to be a 10 out of 10. You just want to look and see, hey, where do I have a really low number here? And then what you can do is learn from your numbers, your grade you give yourself. And on your next date, prioritize definitely fun,

definitely personal, going from less personal to more personal, and you want to say at least one verbally intentful, flirtatious thing. Again, assuming you're attracted to her. Those first three escalators, fun, personal, and verbal intent, those are the three most important generally. And if you want to have an incredible first date that ends with you and she making out, sparks flying, even hooking up, if that's what you both want, then you're going to want to go up all five escalators. And it's a dance that you lead. If she follows, great.

That's dating. If she doesn't, if she doesn't follow you up some of these escalators, read the room, read the situation, use empathy, notice how she's feeling, figure out if you need to go back, you need to calibrate. That's a beautiful thing to calibrate. Make some adjustments. Don't mindlessly execute escalation like some weird pickup artist. Don't do that. Just think of these five escalators as, hey, these are five. It's almost like they're five different dances. And you just want to lead her on these five dances. And if she follows, enjoy. And if she doesn't, that's okay too. Lots of women out there, lots of fish in the sea. You're not meant to have great sparks with every

woman. But this diagnosis, knowing these five escalators will absolutely transform your dating outcomes. It'll give you clarity. It'll help you know what to do next time. It'll give you a roadmap to assess a date. If it goes well, you'll know why. If it doesn't, I'll bet you'll be able to look at these escalators and say, oh, I need to take things up a notch. Okay. That's the end of today's pod about the five escalators. Thank you so much. I'll talk to you next time. And remember your dream girlfriend. She's out there. She already likes you.

She just has to meet the real you. Till next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies? Go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.