How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Use these 5 Moves for Great First Dates

Episode Date: September 22, 2023

First dates can be scary. Will she like you? Will you run out of things to say? Will there be awkward silences? Will she dump you for the cool bartender with the man bun? Questions, questions…Fear not. Your host, dating coach Connell Barrett, has had more than 1,000 first dates. In this episode of the Dating Transformation podcast, he shares the 5 essential moves that he and his clients use to have great dates with wonderful women.Stop going on lame dates and start making sparks fly. Listen now!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC:www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Quotes"Good texts before a date are like movie trailers -- they build buzz and get her excited for the main event."- Connell BarrettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite: https://datingtransformation.comInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:00 - Introduction00:55 - Transforming Lackluster First Dates into Spark-Filled Connections04:19 - Unlocking the Art of Flirty Texting Before Your First Date08:37 - Creating Excitement with Fun and Engaging Texts11:45 - Building Anticipation: Preparing Her for a Memorable Date14:26 - Light-hearted Delays: Turning Lateness into Playful Banter16:29 - From Jackass to Awesome: How Vulnerable Stories Win Hearts19:25 - "Opening Hearts: The Magic of Raw and Real Storytelling23:10 - Fun and Connection: Games That Elevate First Dates24:51 - The Magic of Eye Contact: Staring Contests and Romance27:31 - OutroProduced by Heartcast Mediahttps://www.heartcastmedia.com

Because nothing is worse on a first date than awkward silences. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain self-confidence, and get a great girlfriend. All before the end of this episode. I'm that good. It's going to happen in about 23 minutes. You're going to meet her in about five minutes. No. Okay. Anyway, maybe not that fast, but quickly. That's what I do.

I help guys get great girlfriends all by being authentic. Radical authenticity, I call it. And today I want to talk to you about first dates and how to go from lame, boring, fine, so-so first dates to first dates that have sparks. First dates where you and she are just so connected. First dates where you're having a blast together. I'll bet you, if you're getting first dates, and you might not be, and if you're not, don't worry about it. It's very fixable. But if you are going on first dates occasionally, I'll bet that you are struggling with things like running out of things to say. You might fall into interview mode. Oh, dreaded interview mode.

You might have good conversations, or you feel like they're good conversations where the conversation flows. But then you find out a day later when she texts you that she's just, quote unquote, not really feeling it. And that's really frustrating because you say, oh, what did I do wrong? I thought everything, I thought we had a good vibe. And, or even worse, you might have be struggling with first dates where you have those long, awkward silences, you know? So here, so here's the thing about awkward thing about awkward, uh, awkward, uh, awkward. awkward awkward sorry was that was that awkward did I make it awkward for you

that's the thing about awkward silences is if you're having those on first dates then you're probably not having second dates with her so we want to fix this because nothing is worse on a first date than awkward

silences. We don't want that. So let's talk about fixing this. So what I did is before this podcast, I was just thinking, all right, what are five essential elements that have been on every or almost every good first date I've had? And I jotted down the first five things that came to mind. So today's episode, I'm going to give you my five essentials for great first dates. Or put another way, these are the five things that have happened on pretty much every first date I've had that went really well. And I've been on a lot of first dates, roughly a thousand. That's right. Roughly a thousand first dates. Because I am old, dear listener. I am so old that I used to swipe right on an abacus. Okay. Sometimes my jokes are stupid, but just know that I've been

dating a long time. And so I've been on about a thousand first dates and I realized recently, you know what? There's a handful of things that I did on the very best first dates and I realized recently you know what there's a there's a handful of things that I did on the very best first dates I've had so I'm just going to go through my top five let's call these my top five first date musts my top five first date musts so here we go in no particular order number one is texting before the date. I should say fun, playful, flirty texting before the first date. That totally changed the game for me on first dates many years ago when I first realized the art of how to do it. I think of texting before a date is the same as a movie trailer. And the date itself is the movie. And I respectfully disagree with some of my

dating expert cohorts out there. Some of them teach, oh, you know, just use texting. Use texting as a tool to get the date. Texting should be just about logistics. And I disagree. I think texting can be a tool that dials up the fun, flirty banter. Texting is a tool that makes it, gets her excited about meeting you, puts you on her mind, gets you on her mind in a really good way. Why wouldn't we want to do that? So nothing wrong with texting just for logistics, but you're missing an opportunity if you're not using it. So yeah, think of texting as coming attraction. And the first date is the movie. I remember I had a first date so many years ago. This is way, way back when I first got into this in the late, actually, this is the middle double zeros. So I've been training and working

in this area since 2005. 2005 was when I first said, okay, I need to start working on my dating life. And about a year into this, I was getting really good at the pre-date texting, funny, flirty texts that lead up to the first date. And I remember I was going back and forth with the woman I was going to meet that night. And I just remember her writing me saying about two or three in the afternoon for a planned eight o'clock date. And I remember her saying, hey, I can't wait to meet your smart ass tonight. I remember that. She was really excited about meeting me because we had texted a lot up to that point. And in that moment, that was like an epiphany for

me realizing, whoa, you know what? We can use texting to get her super excited about the date. And then, and the date went great. The date went great with this woman from many years ago. So I always remember that. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching.

You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence,

more dates and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self, so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact

and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. She was that aha moment for me where I realized, hey, texting is a trailer, coming attraction,

and the date is the main movie. So let's talk about best practices for doing this. A lot of guys ask me, how much should I text her before a date? And my answer is, it doesn't matter. A lot or a little, as long as your text messages are giving her value. They're making her smile. They're not asking for much. They're basically getting her excited about the date. So don't worry about how often you text. As long as you're giving her value and as long as the message, the frequency, I should say the reciprocation is roughly 50-50, maybe 60-40.

Don't worry about it. So that could be 10 text messages a day if you and she are pinging each other back and forth, which is great. It's probably going to be less than that, though. It might just be one or two texts per day or every couple of days. But don't worry about how many texts you send. Worry about the quality of the text messages. If you're giving value, if you're sending good little memes, jokes, fun callbacks to things that you and she have talked or laughed about, asking her good questions.

If you're, in other words, making her smile, she's going to want more. So less is not more. If your text messages are good, more is more. She's going to be loving it. And then you're going to start getting messages from women like I get where they say a day before the date, day of the date. Oh my God, I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to see you tonight. I'm finally going to meet you. I'm so excited. I've had many women say that to me. I'm not trying to brag or anything. I'm just saying this is why I coach this stuff. And I want you to get those kinds of reactions too. So don't worry about how often or how many messages. Worry about the quality. Make them fun, funny, interesting. Filter all of your pre-date text messages through this lens.

Will this make her smile? Is this likely to make her smile or keep her interest or get her wanting to write me back? And if what you're about to send does not meet that criteria, don't send it. Don't ask the boring question, how was your day? How was your weekend? Don't do that. Make it give value. Make it fun. How do we do that? Couple of strategies here that I like to use and my clients use all the time. First of all, I just like to keep the fun banter going, right? I like to send messages one or two days before. Like one of my favorite ones is I'll text the girl, oh, hey, just letting you know that I'm at the gym getting my pecs ripped for our big date.

And then parentheses, nervously pacing and twiddling my thumbs. And I've had women write me back with a big LOL, writing me back with weightlifter emojis about all the things they're doing before a big date. One of the messages I like to have my clients send, and we personalize it. I don't literally have a copy and paste version of this, But I like them to write actually two or three hours before the date starts. You send her a message that says, Oh, hey, Katie, just so you know, I look really handsome tonight. Dot, dot, dot. So you have been warned.

Winky face. That kind of cheeky, faux arrogant text sends a really good message to women because only a very confident man would send that kind of cheeky text message, right? You know, you're not actually telling her that you're super hot and handsome. You're actually making fun of the kind of guy who would say that. But by making fun of that guy, you're kind of getting the same stature improvement in her eyes. That is good for dating. Because she's thinking, what kind of guy would say that? Only a really confident, funny guy. So I send messages like, hey, I'm excited for a date. I'm at the gym getting my pecs and abs totally ripped for you. Just so you know, I'm looking really handsome tonight. I like

to do that one. By the way, you can text a girl right before she arrives. You know, you get to the bar and scope out a spot and get a really good seat for the two of you. And you can say, Hey, just like, just letting you know, I got to the bar and I grabbed us a spot up at the bar. Um, you might add something like, Oh, and I'm the, uh, I'm the handsome, I'm the handsome, well-dressed man fighting off all the ladies. Better hurry. So those kinds of little fun, little playful jabs, playful comments.

Women tend to really like that. So yeah, think of fun messages that lead up to the date. It's all about dialing up the fun, dialing up a little bit of romantic tension. And oh, and then invariably, many if not most women will be at least a little bit late before the first date. So when you send that message saying, hey, I'm at the bar, I'll see you in a few, she'll probably say something like, oh, okay, cool. I'm actually running about five or ten minutes late, just so you know. Then you can write this. You can say something like, uh-oh, five minutes late, huh? Okay, well, you owe me one drink for every minute late you are. And I like the good stuff. So I hope you brought your credit card. So you're putting some pressure on her, but it's not real pressure. It's romantic, playful tension. And of course, it's a joke. You're not really expecting her to buy you five drinks. If you are, you have a drinking problem. We should talk about

that. Anyway, yeah, this is very effective. Like I said, I've had a couple different, many women over the years say, hey, gosh, I can't wait to see you. My girlfriend, Jess, I was so excited before our first date. She actually wrote me. We were texting back and forth 50 times at least. From the moment we matched on this dating app, The League, to our first date, Jess and I must have texted 50, 75 messages. And I remember her saying the day of the date or maybe the day before she wrote and said, hey, I'm really liking our banter. She kind of broke character for a minute and then just said, I'm really liking this. So yeah, think about pre-date texting as something that's going to

get her excited about the date. Okay, that's number one. That was the one I wanted to spend the most time on. Number two, another must for a first date is sharing a personal story. Come to a date ready to share an anecdote, a personal anecdote. You want it to be true, of course, and you want it to make you not look cool. Be vulnerable, in other words. So don't come to a date ready to tell a story about the time you hit the home run to win the high school game. Or don't make it about how cool it makes you look. There's a real power in being vulnerable, in sharing a story that might make you look like a jackass in the past, but because your current awesome, amazing, authentic self

is sitting next to her as you share the story, you actually look really awesome because to her as you share this story. You actually look really awesome because you're willing to share a story about something you messed up, something you screwed up. On first dates, I've told a story about my failed nine-week marriage. I told a funny story from high school about the time I faked back spasms to get out of taking a test. I told a story about cheating on a test in high school, getting in trouble for cheating and how I was so scared of getting suspended. And then I've just told like crazy fun, weird travel stories. So I tell a great travel story about this time I got poorly mugged in Amsterdam.

This guy tried to mug me, but he was so bad at it that I basically blew him off. And there's a funny story about how he was't make you look good in the story, but make you look good now, you know? Yeah, be vulnerable. So share a good personal story. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to.

There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks but you don't so that you can. Confidently approach women and get dates.

Become magnetic and attractive even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. The thing about storytelling is when you're opening up and being really honest and raw and real with the woman and talking about something you messed up or talking about something from your past or sharing a fun story, you're giving her the green light to then follow suit and then have her share real vulnerable stories. And then a really good date can just

be two people swapping stories about their lives. That creates a great connection. So be a storyteller. Share a personal story. First date must number three. This is so simple and powerful, so I'm psyched to share it with you. Number three is give her a power compliment. Give her a power compliment. What's a power compliment? It's something about her, the person, the girl, the woman inside that you find sexy and beautiful and attractive. Tell her what it is and use the word sexy or at least something that's romantically charged. Most men, if they have the courage to compliment a woman at all, they make it about her looks. And there's nothing wrong with letting a woman know she's physically, visually attractive to you, but it's what every guy does. Or it's what

few guys who do compliment women. It's usually like, oh my God, you look beautiful. You're stunning. I love your dress. You look incredible. You're gorgeous. That's fine as far as it goes, but it's pretty common. And what's more powerful is to give her a power compliment, which is to tell her something internally about her that you really like. I remember I was on a first date once and this woman just had an amazing mind. She was very articulate, funny, goofy, silly sense of humor. And I just remember saying, hey, but you know what's really cool and sexy about you? You're so, you have such a weird sense of humor. You're quirky and weird. I love the way your brain works. You make interesting connections and that's really attractive to me. And I could see how she took that and she knew it was genuine, but it really moved her because I was telling her the, I was basically saying, hey,

any guy can see your outer beauty. I can see your inner beauty. So on that first date, notice what you notice about her other than looks. Notice what mannerisms or traits or inner qualities you find beautiful and tell her. It's not a big deal. You're not making a big deal out of it. You're just saying, hey, by the way, I can't believe you moved here at XYZ age all by yourself. Wow, you're so brave. You're so courageous and brave. That is really beautiful, really attractive. I like that about you. I'm not easily impressed, but you're impressing me. And yeah, so use the power of a power compliment.

Okay, first date must number four is movement. Movement, meaning don't just sit on the same bar stool for three hours. Go to a second place, or at least plan to. Have a second spot in mind that you can go to so that you can change the scene. This kind of logistical movement makes a date feel like more of an adventure for both of you. It feels almost like if you go to two or three venues on one date, then it's like going on two or three dates at one time. My client, Teddy, recently had a first date with a woman and they went to five different places on that date. This was his first date. He just met her that day. He approached her during the day during a seminar I was doing with him here

in New York City, where I give guys in-person coaching. Teddy walks up to this beautiful woman sitting at a coffee shop having coffee. They went on a date that night. They went to five locations and the sixth location was they went back and they hung out at his place. So the power of changing locations, not only does it feel good to just move around and not be stuck in the same spot for three or four hours, It shows leadership. It gives our brain a nice sense of variety. And also, if you and she want it, you might end up going back to her place or your place. It's a lot easier to do that if you've gone to three or four other places first, as opposed to being on a barstool for four hours and saying, so want to come to my place? It's like, no, she's not going to do that. But if you've already had

a fun adventure where you've hit up two or three cool spots, your place or her place or wherever, that's just the next place for you two to hang out and get even closer. Okay. And then your fifth and final first date must is, oh, this is so simple. And I can't wait to tell you about it right now. It's to play games. I don't mean being a game player. I mean, play actual games. Play a couple games on a first date. Two truths and a lie. Have a staring contest. Thumb wrestle. Uh, there's a bunch of games in my book in the first eight chapter of my book. If you want more, uh, just play games. The simplest ones would be two truths and a lie. Um, I love doing staring contests because I'll just say, okay, here we go. Ready? Let's play a game. Let's do a staring

contest. And the rule is you are not allowed to look away and you're not allowed to laugh or to smile. Are you game? Let's see who wins. And of course, as soon as you tell your date that you're not allowed to smile or laugh in a staring contest, she's going to not be able to stop laughing. It's going to be so hard to contain it. And plus the eye contact that comes with part of a staring contest creates a real strong emotional connection. It gives you a reason to look deeply into each other's eyes, which is super attractive and romantic. So I would say playing games. Like I learned coin magic.

I would do coin tricks for girls. Yeah, I know a lot of first date games. So find one or two first date games that they don't have to be amazing. It can just be two lies and a truth, two truths and a lie. In my book, I talk about the question game where we just take turns asking questions, but you have to tell the truth. I play a game called The First Time where you take turns asking questions, but you have to tell the truth. I play a game called The First Time, where you take turns asking each other about the first time the other person did blank. So you might say, okay, tell me about the first time you flew as

an adult or flew by yourself on a plane. And then she'll say, okay, you tell me about the first time you had a date, had a first kiss, whatever it was. So it helps take the often stiff, awkward, get-to-know-you process of a date. It pours it into the container of a game. And everybody likes playing games. Everybody. Everybody loves a game. So play games. Play games with loves a game. So play games. Play games with girls.

One final tip about that is two games per date should be a max. Any more than that, it comes across as a little bit gimmicky. So those are the five musts of a great first date. Text beforehand, kind of like a movie trailer before the coming attraction. Share a personal story, number two. Give her a power compliment, number three. Have some movement, change locations, take her to at least one or two other places. And then number five, play some fun first date games. All right. Until next time, you guys. Remember, your future incredible, gorgeous, cool, amazing girlfriend.

She's out there. She already likes you. She just has to meet the real, authentic you. See you next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.