How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - What Women Want In Men

Starting point is 00:00:00 Sometimes I just feel like an old man dater. You know, it's like, oh, back in my day, we didn't have Tinder. We had to send dick pics using the telegraph. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Hey, welcome to Dating Transformation. Oh man, I love her accent. My announcer's accent.

Starting point is 00:00:32 So damn attractive. I have an Ohio accent. I've never gotten a compliment from a woman on my Ohio accent, ever. Anyway, welcome to launch week here at the Dating Transformation Podcast. I am dating coach Conal Barrett. I am here to help you gain confidence, flirt like a charming champ, and get dates and a great girlfriend. And I think you're going to really like today's episode because by the time you're done with today's episode, you're going to get some really good stuff. You're going to learn how to go for that first kiss. And you're also going to learn how to read women's signals. So you know whether they're into you or whether they're not. And

Starting point is 00:01:16 you're also going to get a really good approaching tactic from our amazing guest, Dr. Viviana Coles, who's going to be here. So stay tuned. You're going to get all these things if you keep listening. So today I want to open with, oh, the dreaded friend zone. How to escape the friend zone? The friend zone is something that is, what's the opposite of near and dear to my heart? Hated and despised in my heart, maybe. So the reason I became a dating coach is I had all the same problems you have. I struggled with what to say. I got stuck in the friend zone. I could not approach. I was lonely. I thought I was unattractive. Basically, I was a mess. But once I started getting better at, once I finally started getting dates with really attractive women, I struggled with the friend zone. I would go out on multiple dates every single month and I would have a nice conversation.

Starting point is 00:02:25 Tell me if this has ever happened to you. You go on a date. You have what seems like a nice conversation, right? There's no awkward pauses. There's not like, you know, you don't say anything embarrassing. You don't say the wrong thing. It's pleasant. And you think, oh, that went well.

Starting point is 00:02:45 And you walk home. Maybe you give her a hug goodbye. if you're really bold a kiss on the cheek and then the next day she says either she goes quiet or she says hey it was great meeting you last night but I just wasn't feeling those sparks but it was nice meeting you you know we could hang out sometime as friends and I heard that so many times. Yeah, I just, I had a permanent timeshare in the friend zone. So I want to give you a really simple tip to help you smash out of that if you deal with that. I'm going to give you a very simple tip. You can do this on pretty much any date. You could also do it with a woman who you just met and you're talking to, say at a party. Maybe you approached her, you're chatting, you're 10 or 15 minutes into

Starting point is 00:03:29 the conversation. Here's the simplest way to take a big step out of the friend zone. Okay. And it works like this. You want to tell her that she's sexy, but tell her something, a specific trait about her is sexy. So don't just, and make it something non-physical, okay? Instead of, oh my God, you have, because I remember I tried it the other way. I used to say, well, I'm going to tell her she has beautiful eyes, incredible lips, an incredible body. But that just felt, it felt a little bit objectify-y. I just made up a word. It felt like it's all about her body. And it didn't land very well with women. And look, women know they're physically attractive. If they're, if you find a woman beautiful, you're not the only guy.

Starting point is 00:04:28 And it's not that you can't tell a woman she's beautiful. It's just that it's going to land more deeply and just feel more win-win for both of you if you let her know that a specific trait about her is sexy and beautiful. So for example, I had a first date last year where I was just absolutely blown away by this girl, this woman. And I remember saying to her, she's very pretty. I know it because she's now my girlfriend, Jess. So on my first date with Jess, I remember thinking, wow, she's so beautiful, gorgeous, blonde. Just totally. I was like super attracted to her. But what really blew me away about her was her intelligence and her wit. She's very witty, very present. And it's not often I have met a woman who is sort of, I feel,

Starting point is 00:05:21 at my level in terms of wit and intelligence and being in the present moment. But Jess is, whenever I'm in the room with her, I'm the second wittiest person. I'm the second smartest person. So instead of telling her, Hey, wow, Jess, Jessamyn's her name, Jessamyn, your hair is gorgeous. Your face is gorgeous. I remember at one point I said, you know, what's really sexy about you is you are so witty. You are so present and witty and it just knocks me out. I'm very impressed by that. And she later told me, she kind of played it pretty cool in the moment, but she later told me how that just basically made her soul smile. She loved that and we hit it off. And obviously she's now my amazing partner and girlfriend. So that's a

Starting point is 00:06:06 good lesson there is if you're knocked out by a trait of a woman, let her know that that tell her what about her is sexy. It might be a little scary to use the S word, it can be scary to say tell a woman she's sexy. But by telling her a trait is sexy, you're not being anything close to creepy in the sense because you're not objectifying her just for her body. You're telling her that it's her intelligence. Maybe it's her wit, maybe her presence, maybe the way she tells a story. Years ago, I had a first date. And this woman told a story about moving to New York City at a young age and she was just very courageous and I remember saying wow you're so courageous that's so attractive that's so sexy I love a courageous person and that really clicked with her and the

Starting point is 00:06:57 great thing about this is you can do this and you should do it with authenticity you should mean it this should be genuine don't do it as a line. Don't just make something up. Women have amazing bullshit detectors. So this is a no bullshit zone, right? Radical authenticity. Putting that real, best, truthful self out there. So on your next first date or your next approach at a party where you're talking for,

Starting point is 00:07:28 you're talking and you've shared enough time where you can find something that you find really sexy. Notice what you notice about her traits, intelligence, wit, sense of humor. Tell her that's sexy. Because once you tell a woman something inside of her is beautiful, now you're letting her know you see her inner beauty. You see her inner attractiveness, beauty, and sexiness. And now you're elevating yourself above all the other guys

Starting point is 00:07:54 who are just staring at her tits. You're staring at her essence, her realness. And that just lands so much deeper. And the great thing is, it's totally legit and real and true. So tell a woman a trait about her is sexy, mean it. And notice how once you do this, this is the big step toward getting out of the friend zone. Because what a woman wants to feel is, hey, this guy is an awesome guy, but he's making me feel connected to him. So telling a woman she's sexy gives her those tingles that help smash you out of that friend zone and start getting some much better dating connections and results. girlfriend, right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt.

Starting point is 00:09:06 You struggle on the apps and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self, so you can make authentic romantic connections.

Starting point is 00:09:53 Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact

Starting point is 00:10:19 and transform your love life. Bye. Okay, we are back. And I am so excited to be joined today by a very special guest here during launch week, Dr. Viviana Coles, who is America's intimacy expert. Her mission is she wants to help you have the most fulfilling intimate relationship of your life. You probably know her as the sex and relationship expert from her seven seasons spent as the sex and relationship expert on Lifetime's Married at First Sight. She's a

Starting point is 00:10:52 doctor of marriage and family therapy and a certified sex therapist. And she's also an author now. She has a new book out called The Four Intimacy Styles, The Key to Lasting Physical Intimacy, which I just ordered on her website, drviviana.com. That's all spelled out, by the way. And then if you want to get some tips, some advice from her and just find out about her programs, you can sign up for her newsletter at houstonrelationshiptherapy.com. She's a star. I'm psyched to have her here for launch week. Dr. Viviana, welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Congratulations on the Dating Transformation Podcast. I know

Starting point is 00:11:31 you're going to help so many people and I'm glad to be a part of that mission. I appreciate that so much. I love what I do. I love helping men and women connect and find ways to come together. And well, hey, let's get into it. And let me start by saying that I'm a comic book nerd from back in the day. I love a good origin story. I love finding out how Peter Parker became Spider-Man, how Diana became Wonder Woman. How did you become Dr. Viviano? When and why did you decide to become an intimacy and sex expert? What's your origin story? You know, I wish it was something kind of wild. But I guess I guess in my case, the only wild part of it was that I would have never guessed that I would be sitting where I'm

Starting point is 00:12:20 sitting working in the capacity that I have been. I really always just wanted to be a therapist. I want I knew that I wanted to talk for a living because I really love it. I enjoy it. People tend to not want me to shut up most of the time. So I knew I wanted to talk a lot. Very early on, like my junior year of high school, I figured out, okay, this is the path that I'm on. And then I just went for it. So I graduated from college in three years. I did my master's in two years. I did my, I slowed down a lot once I got to my doctoral studies because I met my husband. We ended up getting pregnant three months later. We had our first child. It wasn't until our second, um, it was, I was seven months pregnant with our second that I graduated. And that was like,

Starting point is 00:13:11 the deadline was ticking. I knew that if I didn't do it, then I probably wasn't going to get my doctorate at all. Uh, but I just, I was just like, I'm very driven. I'm kind of like on a train. That's me. I just go for it. And sometimes it can take a little longer than expected. I do expect that life will get in the way, but usually I'm just very intentional with what I do. And that has led me to saying yes to everything. I'm that person who's like, you want me to try that? Great. Let's try this and see if that helps people. Oh, what about this? I have this idea. Okay, let's try this and see if that helps people.

Starting point is 00:13:50 I'm not a very, I'm not a shy person. And I don't tend to shy away from ideas and creativity. I'm not a very anxious or scared person, but it does make it to where I have my hands in a whole lot of different things all the time. And that's pretty much always been the case. So you're a yes woman. You say yes a lot. I do. I say yes a lot. If it's relevant, if it's classy, if it's professional, I'm going to go for it. You're like, what's that Jim Carreyrey movie yes man where he just decided to say yes to the world and all these opportunities opened up i love that yeah it does it feels that way it feels like

Starting point is 00:14:32 ever since i decided to be a therapist that um i just kind of rolled into being a relationship therapist and then a sex therapist because I wanted to be able to help couples and I knew that they might have some sexual issues. I didn't think it was going to be a big part of my professional identity. I honestly thought it was just going to be a toolkit, you know, like something in my toolkit. But it was one of those things where once I started putting it out there on my business card back when we used to use those, that I was... What are those business what I know right could you fax me your business card please

Starting point is 00:15:11 they do exist uh a line just started like a line just started forming for my practice and before I knew it I needed to bring on interns and associates to really help the need. And this is in Houston. I'm from Houston. I have my practice in Houston. We're a huge city. And there were still very few people, you know, 2007. This would have been around 2006, 2007.

Starting point is 00:15:39 Very few people who were actually marketing and certified as sex therapists. And I couldn't believe it. So I, it really just happened out of the need, the need grew. And then all of a sudden, you know, production companies are contacting me and I'm saying yes to live television spots, which I really enjoy. We were talking about kind of this just being a go with the flow, whatever happens, happens. That's what I'm used to i really like that so i would just i was just getting a lot of you know connections with production companies but nothing was ever coming of it no shows ever came out of that it took me about four to five years to finally get to a place where i was actually on tv so don't give up if

Starting point is 00:16:24 that's a and it wasn't necessarily a dream of mine but for all of you out there who TV. So don't give up if that's it. And it wasn't necessarily a dream of mine. But for all of you out there who are like, I don't know how long it's going to take me to get to this place. Don't give up. Be very tenacious. If you really want it. If it's right for you. Just keep at it. Yeah, that resilience is really important in dating. And in relationships, I would imagine I'm more of a dating expert than relationship expert. But I tell my clients, I say, basically, you want to be very authentic, put that best true self out there, but also be resilient. You're going to have dates where you aren't a fit. And maybe it's going to take you a while to find that incredible soulmate partner. But when you meet her, it's going to be so worth it if you

Starting point is 00:17:05 if you keep keep stay resilient, keep at it. It sounds like you're saying something similar. Absolutely, absolutely. I think that so many people think that they really struggle with adapting to what it is that their potential partner needs, or even just in a date, they almost feel like, well, let me see what it feels like to try on this different persona or to try on being somebody who's a lot more laid back than I normally am or somebody who's a lot more fastidious than I normally am. And I'm like, no, don't try anything on. It's ultimately not going to fit well. Like you need to feel like you can breathe around this person. You need to feel like

Starting point is 00:17:45 you can say whatever's on your mind. Obviously you need to be polite and have some tact. But other than that, yeah, authenticity is so important. Okay. I'm a dating coach. I've got to ask you, tell me about your first date with the man who became your husband. Well, we have a little bit. If you can, if you can, we have a little bit of an interesting background. So I was 12 and he was 13. Okay. We met our first day of school and we locked eyes with each other. That's amazing. It was nuts. That's so innocent. So you were 12, 13 years old when you met your now husband? Yes. And we immediately became an item as much as you can. This is back when, you know, first of all, I come from a Latino background and my family was not going to be okay with me having a boyfriend so there was no

Starting point is 00:18:46 going out on dates really it was just a lot of talking at school and hanging out at school you know this is back when we were sharing them sharing a milk together sharing a milk together or playing on playing on the playground I would imagine I mean it was a little more grown up than that. But absolutely, like, I just remember feeling like, wow, this is love. I really learned how to spot real love very early on. And we were together for about a year and a half. It's almost impossible to be with somebody if your parents aren't, first of all, don't

Starting point is 00:19:26 want you to be in a relationship and you don't have a car and you don't have a cell phone. I mean, this is, those were the times. And so we grew apart and then we were apart for 10 years. We had our own lives, had no contact. And then there was a reunion. And over the course of that reunion event, we were just talking and talking and talking. And it seemed like no time had passed. And six months later, we eloped. That's incredible. That's the most adorable meet cute story I've ever heard. And the youngest.

Starting point is 00:20:09 Well, and I have to say, it doesn't get old for us either. Because now we have kids that are around that age. And we're constantly reminded, like, how cool is it that we ended up, you know, that our love story, our first loves, our first kisses with each other are now hopefully our last you know that's that's the plan gotcha that's great all right great i feel like i unearthed a scoop here how how how young and innocent you were when you met i love that um before i hopped on this podcast with you today i was on your website and i was taking your four intimacy quiz. Oh, you did? The quiz? Okay. Yeah. It was so fun. The four, of course, bonding, release, giving, and responsive.

Starting point is 00:20:57 If you would, just give us a quick overview of what the four intimacy styles are, and also how our listener can use these once he is in an intimate relationship, which is the goal for any guy listening to this. Yeah. So the most important thing for y'all to understand about it is that these are the four top motivators that people have to engage in sexuality with a partner. So it's, you're going to get bonding. You're going to feel a release. You're going to experience a giving and of course, responsive. So let me break those down. Bonding, that's for the guy who says, I feel closer to you when we're having sex or after we're having sex. I feel emotionally more bonded to you when that's the case.

Starting point is 00:21:50 And if we're not experiencing sex or any sort of sexuality, I feel less close to you. So that's what bonding is about. Then we have release. Release is the person who feels, oh my gosh, when I'm having sex, I feel like this release of tension. I feel this, my stress is gone. I need to have this to unwind, to feel comfortable, to relax. It's basically just all of that, like a rush of release, which is very, very pleasurable. And then you have the giving.

Starting point is 00:22:25 Giving is the person who says, this is all about you. Lay back and relax. I get so much fulfillment, enjoyment, pleasure from giving you pleasure. This is just let me take over. Then we have responsive. Responsive men typically are the ones who say, I don't often think about sex just like randomly, but when my partner brings it up, I'm game. And then once we're having it, it feels really good. And then afterwards, I'm like, why don't we do that more often? But it's not something that I'm really like initiating I tend to not I tend to kind of brush aside thoughts as they come into my head it's not that I don't like sex or enjoy it it's just not something that comes to me naturally or like you

Starting point is 00:23:15 know spontaneously so what you can get out of this so this is if you can get out of knowing what go ahead oh sorry Oh, sorry, I thought you were going to say something. Oh, I was just going to say, this sounds like I am still learning how to be a podcast host. So it sounds like you have a framework. I think you were about to answer this. So this is a framework that is sort of like understanding how you best experience intimacy and how to give that to your partner. Am I close? So yes, and or yes, but the key is that once you find out what percentage of each you are, and this is what is basically

Starting point is 00:23:56 what's present in every sexual experience. So you're going to think like, out of from your responses, you're going to get a total of 100%. Well, how much of it, how much of your motivation is bonding? What percentage? How much of your motivation is to give? How much of your motivation is to feel a release? How much of your motivation is that you're just kind of responsive to what your partner's needs are? What I am hoping that people will do is round out their intimacy style by trying to get as close to 25% of each of those in any sexual experience and hopefully every sexual experience in order to make sure that your needs and your partner's sexual needs, physical intimacy needs are being

Starting point is 00:24:38 met for the long term. This is not for the occasional quickie, the one night stand. This is for people who say, how will we stay physically connected forever? How can we do that? How can we continue to stay close or get there and then maintain it? And the way to do that is to round out your intimacy style. Beautiful. So it's about being very well-rounded in all four as opposed to focusing on one or two. Am I hearing you right? Exactly. So it's not like the five love languages in the sense that you're not trying to teach your partner how to meet you where you are. It's actually saying, no, no, no, we need to do all of these in order to maintain our full sexual fulfillment forever. It's an ideal thing, right? I mean, you ideally will experience each of the four in equal amounts

Starting point is 00:25:35 every sexual experience. That isn't always going to be the case. And that's okay. But as long as the average is there, then you should be fine. So for the man listening to this who is going to be getting into a relationship as soon as he can and wants to, it sounds like this book is a great way for that man to, once he is being intimate with his future partner, make sure that they're both being satisfied, that you're meeting each other's needs. In other words, you're not just attracting a woman into your life. You want to be able to keep her happy and be fulfilled together. And this is how to do that in an intimate through the lens of intimacy. Yes. That is the exact goal that I've been going for is that it's for the people who actually want to stay together forever and not allow a lack of physical intimacy or a complete shutdown of physical intimacy to happen. There are so many

Starting point is 00:26:31 people out there who are struggling with this and they have zero clue the what, the why, the how, and all of that. So this is from decades of working with clients who they love each other so much they actually really get along well they have an emotional connection usually and the physical is the part that they just cannot seem to hold on to and it has caused I mean as you can imagine it causes the breakdown of relationships but it also causes divorce it causes affairs the breakdown of families yeah It's a really big deal. So I'm glad to be a part of trying to help people with this. Let's go back in time. Let's go back to post origin story. So I'd love to hear you share with me a success story from your coaching. And I know you've gotten so many that it's probably hard to choose.

Starting point is 00:27:25 But was there an early success story or just a really vivid, powerful success story with clients you worked with that just really got you hooked on becoming the therapist and coach who you are? Wow. That is a tough one. You're right. Fortunately, I've had a lot of different opportunities with clients. I think that if anything, I can probably share what typically is my most favorite type of story to walk through and what process and journey to walk through. And that's the couples who, and this, maybe it's because I see it so often that it's become kind of my favorite, but it's the couples who go from starting off in therapy saying we're staying together because of the kids. And that's the only thing that's

Starting point is 00:28:21 really keeping us together. If we didn't have kids, we would not be together because she never wants to have sex with me. He doesn't ever want to help or appreciate me. And they are so, so vastly disconnected. And it's become emotional disconnection as well. So the emotional and the physical intimacy is what I tend to work with. It's not just physical intimacy. It's not just emotional. And so helping to walk through clients who say, we have zero reason to stay together

Starting point is 00:28:53 besides maybe we own a business together or maybe everybody else will be devastated or we're really scared for our kids. And then helping them to kind of go really deep to figure out why and how they got to where they are and why that's not satisfying for them and why they're not going to stand for it and then helping them to build and find motivation outside of the external to help them to say I'm going to make changes within my relationship because it's going to make me experience life the way that I want. Because love, true love, intimacy, physical intimacy, friendship, all of those things are worthy. I'm worthy of them. They're worthy of me. And I want

Starting point is 00:29:37 to find that with my partner. And I want to rebuild and continue to have the most amazing life and not just stay together because of the kids. Those are the ones that I tend to see the most of. And it's incredible because you are helping families stay together. I mean, that's not the most important thing, but it's super important, especially when kids are involved. No, I know a lot of couples who I just know, I know them well enough to know that they have a nice relationship, but they're just friends or they're companions. They're friendly, they're together in life.

Starting point is 00:30:22 But look, I'm not looking behind there. I'm not in the bedroom with them, but I, I have a sense that a lot of couples are buddies, but there's not the passion. There's not the intimacy, emotional and sexual. Uh, and if it's, if you don't have that passion and intimacy, in my view, you don't have really a full relationship. You're not really hitting on all cylinders. Thoughts on that? Exactly. I think so many people can say we are best friends and that's lovely, but you can get that from anyone. The sexual intimacy is the part that really sets your relationship apart in a very sacred way, I think, for people who are saying, oh, we get along super well. We do life together really well. That's wonderful. But you could do that on your own. You would be fine on your own. Let's really experience the full magnitude, the spectrum of relationship wellness

Starting point is 00:31:28 through having physical intimacy and emotional intimacy be something that's present every single day. Not only that, but it's great for your health, sexuality, and experiencing sexual feelings and arousal and desire. I don't know of many people who are going to be completely fine with their pelvic genital health if they're not experiencing that with a partner. Individual sexuality is important as well. But oftentimes, people who aren't experiencing any sort of sexual desire with their partners, they tend to shut that down for themselves individually as well. So there are all sorts of benefits to being in a healthy relationship and in a,

Starting point is 00:32:10 in a relationship that is well-rounded, that includes romantic feelings, includes that fun, playful side. And I think it benefits more than just the individual. I think it benefits society in general. Yeah. And other than perhaps parenthood, which I'm not a father, so I don't know what it's like

Starting point is 00:32:34 to be a parent, but other than perhaps being a parent, what relationship is potentially deeper, more fulfilling, complex in all the ways that an intimate romantic relationship can be. Assuming there's the friendship, there's the love, there's the trust, but also the sexual intimacy, the passion, you get to have your cake and eat it too. So I think that's the holy grail for most of us. I think it's also less messy. There's way too many opportunities for messiness in our world. And so many of us really strive for success and for being helpful and for really getting out there and doing what we do to, again, really, really change the world to a degree, whether it's our small world or a big world. But it's so much easier to do that when things are

Starting point is 00:33:33 going really well at home. And when you feel like you have a supportive, respectful partner, who you also really enjoy being naked with. I mean, there's just so much good that can come from, pun intended, that can come from enjoying your home life and your work life. And I think that the positive energy and the positivity that really exudes from those people and those relationships is something that we should all strive for. Fantastic. Yeah, it's fascinating to me how simple but powerful and enticing it is, this idea of, oh, somebody to be there to support me, and I can support her. When I start working with a client, a man who I'm going to coach, we start by outlining what I call his amazing outcome. And it always includes a great relationship, a partner, a soulmate.

Starting point is 00:34:30 And then I say, give me some specifics. What are you most looking forward to experiencing with her? And sure, sometimes he talks about the intimacy, the great sex, but most of the time he says, I just want someone to, uh, listen to at the end of the day, help her with her day. Watch, I don't know, watch some reality TV, watch Netflix, just be together. And it's the two halves of a relationship, right? Friendship, support, love, but also I think that's important intimacy passion and obviously romance yeah with the men that i tend to work with who are who are really trying to get their sex lives back on track or who are individuals and who are struggling with that they want to feel seen they

Starting point is 00:35:20 want to feel seen and you mentioned heard but I think seen and they tend to get that through feeling wanted and wanted sexually. So that sexual attraction, when they feel like their partner is interested in them sexually, it almost seems like it's it kind of wipes away a lot of the other things that maybe aren't there. Um, and if the, and because for them, wow, if I can get a woman to, to want me, I must be doing something right. You know? Yeah. And so it's a real confidence boost. And when that's not there, it shakes their world to the core. Right. And it's very difficult for them to even function on a daily basis without that. And then guess what happens? They start, their eyes start to roam. They start looking for being seen, quote unquote, from others. And because, you know, that's where workaholics come, you know, they're like, oh, let me let

Starting point is 00:36:20 me get that attention, that achievement, that sense of greatness and respect and, and, uh, really feeling cherished from work. Well, that, there only, that only happens to a certain degree. And then all of a sudden it's like, oh, okay, let me find it outside of work. And if it's not at home, it tends to be an, an affair. Yeah, absolutely. Uh, it's men just love, we love people in general, but I feel men specifically love to feel worthy, significant, special. And there's a lot of ways we can do that. We can climb mountains, we can make millions of dollars, we can ride our Harley and make it really loud and wake me up at 3am. Uh, but one of the most powerful ways for a man to feel worthy, special is to get that feeling of, uh, attraction of romantic, intimate desire from a woman. I mean, that's priceless. That's essentially one of the things that makes you feel wonderful as a man. Yeah. And you know, I, I, maybe this is a shift in the conversation, but I wonder if you're seeing this as well. There's a real upheaval that I'm noticing with my male clients, whether they're partnered or not. A lot of them are really struggling with the identity piece of being a provider. I don't think that we're living in a time anymore where that is seen as the number one gift that a man or a husband or whomever gives. And I think a lot of men are really

Starting point is 00:37:56 struggling with that because they were still raised as if that is their number one contribution. So when they feel like they're doing that, they really wonder, well, how is it that my partner isn't satisfied? They're asking for more. They're asking for more of my emotional expression. They want to connect with me emotionally. Wait a minute. I thought that was a bad thing. And I see that a lot. And it's a real problem in a lot of relationships right now. Are you seeing that with your clients as well? I feel like maybe you've coached my dad. My dad.

Starting point is 00:38:31 I might have. I can't speak for my father who I love, Denny, Denny Barrett. I would imagine that back in the day, he and my mom, their relationship got to a point where I'm bringing home the paycheck. I'm bringing you flowers once a month and I'm providing. Why are you unhappy or, you know, why is there what's wrong? Why isn't everything OK? And it's not it's not about my dad. This is about men in general. I agree with you that men who feel like the vehicle for relationship success and fulfillment is providing, they're going to find out it takes a lot more to fulfill the typical woman, I would think.

Starting point is 00:39:16 She needs trust. She needs connection. She needs intimacy. She needs a little variety, a little fun, growing together. All these things that make up our blueprint for who we are. Yeah, you got to do more than pay the bills and buy flowers twice a year. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks.

Starting point is 00:39:45 But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love.

Starting point is 00:40:19 He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can. Confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps. And attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But

Starting point is 00:40:46 You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. I think it's important to point out for your listeners that you need to want more of yourself because as we know, especially having gone through a shutdown, if you are banking literally on people wanting you and really admiring you because of your paycheck, what happens when it's gone? We were talking about self-worth. We're talking about the worthiness that I think needs to be internal and then validated externally through our most important relationships, our primary relationships. I don't think that it's,

Starting point is 00:41:38 it's, oh, I don't think it's going to serve you well if you put all of your eggs in the basket of I am the one who's making the money. I am the one who's providing a lifestyle. Because if and when that ever decreases or goes away completely, what are you left with? Even from just a self-identity place. So I think you need to build a life where you know that you bring more than just the paycheck. Right. I, uh, gosh, I wasn't gonna, I didn't think I was going to go here, but this is so relevant to what you just said. I, again, I'm not picking on my mom and dad, uh, at all. I'm just're from a different time, the Mad Men era,

Starting point is 00:42:28 where the man was the provider, the mom was the housewife, and that was their relationship. But they didn't have, to my eyes growing up, a spark, a romantic spark. And I remember when I was in high school, I was staying, I was over at a friend's house and I was watching her mom and dad do the dishes together.

Starting point is 00:42:44 And I watched her dad take the wet towel from the sink and snap it and snap it on his wife's behind. And she giggled. And she was throwing suds at him. And it was the most flirtatious, beautiful, connected experience. And they were just washing dishes. And I looked at them and I thought, oh, that's how a couple can be a long-term couple. In this case of a mother and a father, they can be connected and have that kinetic romantic attraction years in. It doesn't always have to be just buddies, just friends. I feel like I just saw something there and I thought,

Starting point is 00:43:23 that's what I'm going to want when I'm with my long-term partner. And you were fortunate to see that at somebody else's house. If you had not seen that interaction, who knows what your template of what a healthy, romantic, intimate relationship would look like today. So many people do not have any real examples of what of what they're imagining a healthy sexual relationship could look like for the long term yeah and now every time I do the dishes I just get really horny and turned on which is weird when I'm by myself. So anyway, that's another topic for another show. Let's shift gears and talk about dating.

Starting point is 00:44:14 Because, hey, how do you get a great partner, a great relationship? First, you've got to go out and you've got to date. Or you've got to meet people anyway. Talk to me if you would. What can a single guy, what can the single guy who's listening to this, who's looking for that soulmate, he's going out on dates,

Starting point is 00:44:32 what can he do now to get prepared for being a great intimate partner? Or how can he work on himself so that when a woman meets him on that first or second date, she starts to see, oh, wow, I can see this guy as a great catch. Any tips on showing yourself as that great, worthy relationship catch for men? This is so timely. I am primed for this question because I have been working with a group of women who are 40 plus who are single. Many of them are never

Starting point is 00:45:07 married and they are trying to get inspiration from this group. We're doing a virtual online group. It's called Vivid Relationships. And what we're trying to do is help women to stay motivated to seek out that love life. And so I can tell you one of the number one things that I heard and, and our group is on Monday. So I just heard it, um, is that they feel like they, that the men who they are meeting up with or who they're talking to online do not pay enough attention to the details. They don't actually listen. So they, and some of them don't even read the profiles. They just kind of wing it. They say, Hey, I'm going to, I figured I'd be meeting up with you. I'll just ask you all these questions in person.

Starting point is 00:45:58 And for a lot of people might think, Oh, well that makes sense, right? You're going to meet up in person or you're hoping to talk over the phone or you can ask these questions. But there's so much thought that goes into and so much effort that goes into building a dating profile or even just a text that you send. And so when a man does not at least behaves as if he has no idea what or this is the first time that they say this or I didn't know that then it's like oh you're not willing to put some extra effort in to read a profile to actually read what I'm writing you you're just kind of winging it well how many people are taking your attention away that you can't focus on just me so there's a few things there one is they don't

Starting point is 00:46:43 feel like men are putting the effort in to actually listening or reading their profiles or reading what the messages are that they're sharing about themselves. And the other is the sense that if you're not paying attention to me, then who are you paying attention to? And am I competing with five other women all at once? And can you at least pretend like I'm the one and only that you're interested in in this hour that we're talking to each other? So that's a big one. I love that. The details.

Starting point is 00:47:16 So focus on the details. I have my clients. I have my clients before a first date. Let's say it's a first date from a dating app, Bumble. I say, go on her profile, make sure you're sitting in the bar, get there 15 minutes early to make sure you have a good place to sit with her and then review her profile and review your text messages. Because if you remember that her dog, if you remember that her dog's name is Snuggly, and she has two sisters, and she loves Bill Murray movies, she's going to be impressed. Those details really do stand out.

Starting point is 00:47:53 You're so right. Oh, my gosh. Yes, absolutely. they were complaining about and were just like, this is so disillusioning, is that they expect, they think, or it comes across as if the men expect them to be very responsive. Like if they send a text or if they send a message, they have to message them back very soon. And a lot of these women have full-time jobs and have obligations and don't have their phones glued to them 24-7, unlike me and maybe you. And so they feel like, gosh, if you're that impatient, I don't know that we're going to be able to work. So I don't know if it's a matter of the way that they come across once they do

Starting point is 00:48:41 finally hear back from each other. But maybe even just asking and being curious, like, oh my gosh, you must have had a busy day. I haven't, you know, I haven't heard back from you all day, or it's taken a couple days. Is everything okay? Versus assuming the worst or getting an attitude about it. You're going to learn so much more. And it could be something that works really well for your lifestyle as well. Absolutely. Responsiveness is important in life in general. And unfortunately, a lot of men have been poorly coached by the quote unquote pickup artist types or the play it cool, be an alpha male, get her. Bullshit. Which is a big pet peeve of mine.

Starting point is 00:49:28 And my advice for men is be responsive. Be present. Know those details. And when you're on that date, she is the most important person in the world to you. That doesn't mean you fawn over her and kiss her behind, but let her know that there's nobody more important for that hour than she is. And that's a really strong, powerful, respectful thing when somebody's going to come out for an hour or two and have a drink with you. I want them to feel like they're the most important person. And one of the things that I'll tell my

Starting point is 00:50:03 male clients who are single is that imagine if you were interviewing somebody for a job and they are looking elsewhere, they keep getting up and leaving, they're waving to somebody, they're maybe looking at their phone or checking their Apple watch. Immediately you're going to wonder, do they really want this? And that should not be what's happening. Yeah, they're not even sure what. It's like they're not sure what business they're interviewing. They don't know your name. They're like texting somebody else.

Starting point is 00:50:35 That's a great example. Yeah, or they keep talking about the last interview that they had. I mean, come on. There's a lot of parallels here that you can learn from. And you don't want to be that person on a date. make a bad choice. That's a great example. Okay. I want to give you, here is the fun, a fun little few questions I came up for you. I'm going to give you some multiple choice questions. Think of it as a quiz, except I'm not going to quiz you. I'm going to give you a dating situation with an A, B, and C answer. And the third one will be Dr. Viviana's fill in the blank choice. So for example, here's the first one. You'll get this once we start doing it, we're going to use

Starting point is 00:51:32 your experience because Hey, it's not often I have a sex therapist and a woman who knows women so well. And my listener just loves to hear what women want. So you'll be able to help us out here. So here is question number one. Okay, let's say a man had a good first date. It's winding down with this woman and they're saying goodnight. Should that man, A, go for that first kiss if she seems receptive?

Starting point is 00:52:03 B, play it safe. Give her a hug. Or C, Dr. Viviana, fill in the blank for what he should do. Ask. Okay. Ask. Ask for the kiss. And just say something like, hey, can I have a kiss?

Starting point is 00:52:24 Or can I give you a kiss on the cheek? Don't ask if you can have one. That's creepy because it's very self-serving. Where if you say like, hey, can I give you a kiss or even just say, can I give you a kiss on the cheek? I've had a really good time. It seems like you have too. Then the worst that they can say is,

Starting point is 00:52:49 no, I'm not really ready for that. Or no, thank you. And you can say, okay, well, let's, you know, that's fine. I'll shake your hand for now. But maybe another time. Ask because unless you just know, unless you know, like, every fiber of your being is saying, I feel like this person has, would have already kissed me by now, if we were not across the table from each other. I don't think you should go in for a kiss on the first date without that assurance. Because it's such a bubble burst when it doesn't go exactly the way that you wanted. And there's time to build up for that. So I would say ask. Beautiful. Ask. Excellent. Next one. A single man is at a social event and he sees a woman he would like to meet. He should feel free to A, walk over and say, hi, I saw you and I wanted to meet you. B, try to find a third party to introduce them.

Starting point is 00:53:47 Or C, fill in the blank, Dr. Viviana. I think that man should head on over and say, hey, what brings you to this thing? This is what I'm doing here. What are you doing here? Or what are you here for? What are you in for? Kind of a thing. This is what I'm doing here. What are you doing here? Or what are you here for? What are you in for kind of a thing? It's, I think when you're willing to share your, I guess your, what you're going through and give a little bit of personal, a personal, I don't know, I guess an anecdote or so, but when you can share some personal detail and then you're inviting them to do the same, but don't come in guns blazing, asking like, Hey, what are you doing here? That's it's a kind of an odd thing to, it feels intrusive where if you're like, Oh,

Starting point is 00:54:36 cool. You know, I was invited by so-and-so who are you invited by? Or how did you hear about this? That's a really innocuous thing. It could turn into something business, networking, or more. So come in warm, but not hot. Don't come in hot, is what you're saying. Yeah?

Starting point is 00:54:51 No, especially you can tell by the body language if she's kind of closed off to anybody coming in hot. Whereas if somebody just comes up and says like, hey, I was invited by so-and-so. I really liked this about this event or this about this place um how did you hear about it that's a pretty nice line nice okay got it one more uh here we go a man and a woman have gone on about three or four dates and he is ready for intimacy when they're're alone, he should A, give her a long, deep kiss, a tight embrace, and then lead her to the bedroom. B, not have sex

Starting point is 00:55:35 until the two of them have talked about it. Or C, fill in the blank with the more nuanced answer. Gosh, I think all of the above. I like both of those. I think it could be something where maybe you talk about what you'd like to do. Oh. Not necessarily.

Starting point is 00:55:53 I mean, obviously consent is going to be thrown in there somewhere. But talk about like, gosh, I really feel like it would be so much fun if we took this into the bedroom. But we could do that. I always want to leave it open to where it doesn't feel like, okay, well, and if we if that doesn't happen, it's the end of the night, or the end of the date. So kind of like, a, hey, do you want to do you want to go into the bedroom do you want to you know maybe go out go and get a drink like offer some options so that you do i mean you're you're basically saying what you want but you'd be okay with something else and those options i think are really sexy and it makes you feel safe as a partner yeah i have uh there's a me too chapter in my book where I talk about how you can get consent,

Starting point is 00:56:46 but you can make it sexy. You can say, you know what I would love to do right now? I would love to take you in the bedroom and X, Y, Z, uh, and see how she responds to that. She might say, hell yeah, let's go off. You go. If she resists that or is not ready yet, hey, at least you got your answer. And then she'll probably appreciate that. So it sounds like you're okay with that kind of male leadership, but always checking in with how she's feeling and maybe just say what you want to do and see if she's on the same page. I think if you're brave enough, right? I think if you're brave enough to share what it is that you're wanting, but you're okay with a no. In any situation, I'm constantly talking to my clients about this.

Starting point is 00:57:32 Don't ask a question that you're not willing to hear more than just the one answer. Right. Then don't ask it. So if the only response to I want to go have sex, do you, is a yes, don't ask it. Because there very well could be a no. And if a no means that the entire relationship or the entire evening implodes, that's not building, right? That's not a good foundation. So if you're that hard up that you really would not accept a no, I don't think that's

Starting point is 00:58:08 the time to ask the question. Great stuff. That's why you're the certified sex therapist. Okay. Let's finish with a couple questions from my tribe. And then I want to talk a little bit about one of your upcoming programs and then we'll wrap up. Let's do it.

Starting point is 00:58:21 All right. I took some questions from my Facebook group. Here's a question from Nick. These are sex questions. So we're just going. Let's do it. All right. I took some questions from my Facebook group. Here's a question from Nick. These are sex questions. So we're just going to go for it here. This is from Nick in my Facebook group who asks, how can I make sure that the first time I have sex with a woman I'm dating, that I'm making the experience amazing for her?

Starting point is 00:58:40 I love where that question is coming from. How to make that first time for her as great as possible? Well, make sure that you're rounding out your intimacy style and you have a little bit of bonding, a little bit of giving, a little bit of release, and be a little bit responsive. So if you can round those things out and know how to do that, I think it's going to go so much better than if you just go all in and say, this is all about you. I just want you to have a great time. It feels a little bit like too much pressure. I know that a lot of men will think, well, who wouldn't, which woman would not want to hear that they are going to be worshiped, that they're just going to, well, a lot of women would feel that that's pressure and that's performance anxiety. And so I think it's important to round out their intimacy style.

Starting point is 00:59:33 Beautiful. In other words, Nick, go read The Four Intimacy Styles by Viviana Curtis. When in doubt, read the book. Okay. Next question is from, next question is from Brant. That's what I say with my book. And I, this is definitely a yearbook answer. Okay. The next one is from Brandon. Brandon writes,

Starting point is 00:59:51 uh, I've been seeing a wonderful woman and I'm so excited that I finished very quickly in bed. He means, and I don't want to be that guy. He doesn't want to be quick draw McGraw. Um, how do I last longer?

Starting point is 01:00:05 Is this question? Long story short, because this is a very common issue that I see in my practice, I'm creating an online program that will be self-led to help men retrain their bodies when it comes to early ejaculation. So I've got a lot of information on this. Number one piece of advice is when you are masturbating, make sure that you are mimicking the type of endurance that you would like to have when you're partnered. If you cannot last very long, or if you're training your body to go very, very quickly, even when you're in the shower, when you're trying to relax for bedtime, think about how much quicker you're going to go when you're actually with the warm smells of a woman and how enticing that's going to be and how quickly

Starting point is 01:00:52 you're going to react to that. Great answer. Great, great stuff. I have the same problem as Brandon, except it only happens for me when I'm doing dishes by myself. So that's a whole separate show. Okay. Move away from the dog. The suds, the suds trigger me. Okay. Last question. And then we'll wrap up here. This is from Jonathan who asks, Oh gosh. Okay. Saving the best for last. Jonathan asks, I feel insecure about my penis size. I'm about four, four and a half inches. Is that too small? How important is size to women? Okay. So it's actually not too small. Um, especially because you have to remember that just like there's variety and in the phallus size and the shape and all of that, there's a lot

Starting point is 01:01:41 of variety in vaginal shape and size and feeling and all of that. I think that there is such a thing as too small and certainly having a micro phallus causes all sorts of issues for men, not just in sexually intimate relationships. But that's not what we're dealing with here. I think he needs to back off from watching porn. His idea of what a healthy male average penis size is, is probably very warped by the images that he's inundated himself since he was probably 11 years old. So back away from the porn. And if anything, I would say, ask your partner if there are any positions that they tend to like and use those to make sure that you're making the most of what you do have.

Starting point is 01:02:31 Beautifully said. And thank you for naming my next book, which I'm going to call back away from the porn. Uh, I think we have a good title there. Uh, no, all jokes aside, as someone who spent more than a little time on youporn.com, I, I've dealt with my own issues in that regard. And yeah, the worst thing you can do is allow yourself to be conditioned by all the porn out there and think you have to measure up to what some male porn star looks like. So thank you for that nuanced answer.

Starting point is 01:03:03 Okay. Um, Dr. Viviana, let's finish. I just want to talk a little bit about an upcoming retreat you have, a couples retreat. Talk a little bit about that if you would. Yeah. So I have partnered up with AeroSante Retreats. We are setting out to do some really amazing retreats, both for couples and for individuals. I'm finding that people are really in need of intimacy boosts in their relationships. So whether they're singles and they're wanting to find that intimate side of themselves in order to share it with a partner, or if they're already in a relationship and they want to really spark things up and haven't been able to do that,

Starting point is 01:03:44 retreats are a fabulous way to be very focused and intentional with your time and energy. And I don't know about you, but every time I go to a conference, especially when it comes to the world that we're in with dating and love and relationships, it's so invigorating, right? It makes you feel like, oh my gosh, I'm going to get out there and I'm going to do this, this, this, and this. And if you are tenacious, and if you're're organized you will continue to ride that wave and hopefully you'll get your next book out or your next program um next tv show i mean whatever it is and i feel like that's that's what we're trying to hone in on are the people who say i we haven't been able to do

Starting point is 01:04:23 this in our daily lives. We need an escape. We need to retreat to each other, to ourselves. And I'm really excited about the upcoming offerings. They seem to be kind of fluid and changing based off of what they need and what the participants need and guests need. So I'm excited. Again, I love to go with the flow. And yes, as I understand it, the Arisante Couples Retreat is in Punta Amita, Mexico. That's October 16th through the 20th of this year. And you can find out more at E-R-O-S-A-N-T-E dot com. Dr. Viviana, is there anything I didn't ask you or anything you want to share that we didn't get to today?

Starting point is 01:05:02 Or are you just sick of my dumb jokes at this point? point no I feel like I can't believe it's gone by so quickly I feel like the women that I'm working with we need to do something with the men that you're working with and see if we can really help each other you know we'll be the go-betweens but I feel like this is such an amazing cohort to work with, and I think we can help each other. I don't know. I don't think this is the end, Connell. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:05:34 Well, as long as you don't steal my book title for the Back Away from the Porn, we'll be fine. It's all yours. It's all yours. She is Dr. Viviana Coles, and in addition to the erosante.com couples retreat, please check her out on her website, drviviana.com. Get her book, The Four Intimacy Styles.

Starting point is 01:05:55 And yeah, thank you so much for being such a light in this area, Dr. Viviana. And I appreciate you coming on today. Thank you. Thanks for all the work you do. My pleasure. All right. Until next time. Peace out. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips,

Starting point is 01:06:13 videos and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - What Women Want In Men

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