How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Yikes! 5 BIG Dating Mistakes Women Hate—and 5 Fast Fixes to Find Love (with Lisa Hickey of the Good Men Project)

Episode Date: December 26, 2024

Do you struggle to attract the kinds of women you want to date? Chances are, you’re making some big mistakes that turn women off, and you don’t even realize it. Help is here! Lisa Hickey, CEO of the Good Men Project, joins dating coach Connell Barrett to identify—and fix—the hidden dating mistakes men make. You’ll learn how to connect with women authentically, flirt with charm, and boost your confidence. Plus, Lisa shares invaluable wisdom on modern masculinity. (Check out the Good Men Project for a treasure trove of practical advice, and to read Connell’s dating advice column.)You’re about to learn:2:30: What to NEVER do when talking to a woman you’ve just met6:39: A simple first-date fix that turns women on16:40: Why men feel more dating anxiety than ever22:00: Practical ways to build self-esteem and confidence25:50: How to give authentic compliments that women love33:00: The single biggest dating mistake you’re making39:10: Great topics to talk about that spark connection47:30: How to turn fear and doubt into fun and excitement59:17: Lisa’s no. 1 dating tip that every man must knowAre you ready to become an even better man? Listen now!FOR GREAT READS AND PRACTICAL TIPS TO BE A BETTER MAN:http://GoodMenProject.comCHECK OUT THE GOOD MEN PROJECT’S DATING SUBSTACK:http://gmpdating.substack.comFOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO HAVE GREAT FIRST DATES:http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactTO GET FREE ACCESS TO “THE FLIRTY 30,” CHARMING QUESTIONS TO ASK WOMEN ON DATES, ON THE APPS, AND WHEN YOU APPROACH:http://www.datingtransformation.com/FLIRTY30WANT A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”? EMAIL CONNELL AND WRITE “FREE BOOK” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND YOU’LL GET IT INSTANTLY:[e-mail]"Meaningful compliments celebrate deeper attributes beyond appearance."- Lisa Hickey"Building modern relationships requires the courage to take the next step after a good interaction."- Lisa Hickey

Excuse me, I just saw you and I had to come meet you, or else I'm going to have to join the monastery. You're my last chance. It's either you or an inflatable woman, so fingers crossed. Welcome to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Conal Barrett. And before we get to the interview you're about to listen to with Lisa Hickey from the Good Men Project, it's a great conversation. Lisa really knows women and men. So we I realized so many of them were about hidden mistakes that you and many men are making in their dating life that they don't even realize they're making. And there's going to be a lot of great tips in the conversation I had with Lisa, but I wanted to start the episode by giving you four of the most common mistakes that men

make that are killing their dating success. And they don't realize they're doing it. So here we go. In no particular order, here are my top four, or four of my top four. And then Lisa's going to have a lot more. And stick around because at the very end of my interview with Lisa, she mentions the single biggest myth and mistake that single men make. And I really do think it's going to melt your brain in a good way. And that's coming right at the very end of the episode, with about two or three minutes left to go. So feel free to fast forward to the very end if you want to, if you don't have much time. But if you have time to hang with me, let me give you four of the biggest mistakes that men make, that I've seen men make in my 12

years as a dating coach and my, frankly, my 20 years of working on my dating life. And the first one is trying too hard to impress women. And the solution is you want to express, not try to impress. Here's a quick story to demonstrate this. I was once on a rooftop bar in Los Angeles, a really cool venue called EPLP. And I'm with a brand new client at the time, a guy named Jason. And Jason is a very well-to-do, successful plastic surgeon in LA. And it was our first night out together. And one of the things I do as a coach is I take my clients out to cool venues, lounges, bars, and I help them approach women.

I give them tips. I give them feedback. And that's what Jason and I were doing this night. So we walk into this cool rooftop bar, quite literally in the shadow of the Hollywood Hills. Beautiful women everywhere. It's a great venue. And I say, all right, Jason, show me your stuff. What do you got? And he walks up to two women, gorgeous, thin, stylish LA beauties. And I just said, yeah, let me watch and observe. He walks up to these two women.

And he takes out, he doesn't say anything right away. He takes out his business card, a black and gold business card. He hands it to these two women, and he takes out, he doesn't say anything right away. He takes out his business card, a black and gold business card. He hands it to the two women. And he says, hey, I'm a plastic surgeon, a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. And he hands them his card. And the women were confused. One of them put her hand up to her nose self-consciously. They looked at each this guy, this is his pickup line, his business card. And they basically said, nice meeting you, which is polite woman code for we're not interested,

dude. And they walked away. And I took him aside and I said, don't do that. Don't try to impress women. Bottom line is one of the biggest mistakes men make is trying to show off their status or their money or trying too hard to impress a woman. And by trying to do that, you usually accidentally lower your stature in a woman's eyes. Because if you're trying to impress her with money or your Lamborghini or your cool job or something that you think is going to be impressive, that's going to come off as try hard. It's almost like you're overcompensating for not being attractive enough and in her league. So you're trying to make up for it.

And I did this so many times myself back in the day. I used to try to make women think I was somebody I'm not. And I would talk about, oh yeah, so I'm into scuba diving and I do all these adventurous activities outside. Total bullshit. I was lying because I wanted to impress them and it never worked. So big mistake number one is trying too hard to impress a woman. And the fix for this is to express. Don't impress. Express what I call man-to-woman communication. Basically express that true, real, most authentic side of you. And essentially give her good emotions. Make her giggle, make her laugh, or make her be into the real you, or try to, rather than trying to impress her. There is nothing more impressive than a woman, than a guy who is expressive and holding her

interest because he's sharing his real, true personality, his sense of humor, his vulnerability. So, basically, be authentic. Here's another second big mistake men make. It's not flirting with a woman out of fear that she's going to think you're creepy. Have you ever wanted to kiss a woman on the first date? Or forget about kissing. Have you ever wanted to give a woman a compliment or make some kind of flirtatious move or say or do something flirty, but you didn't do it because you thought, oh, don't be creepy. Don't be weird. Well, that's a mistake. It's your job as a man to make moves in dating.

Dating is a dance. Dating is a dance, and our job as men is to lead that dance. And a woman's job is to say yes or no. Either way is fine, but we want to lead that dance. So don't make the mistake of not flirting with women or waiting for 14 signals from her before you feel like you have the green light to flirt with her. You want to be the one to flirt first. You want to be the one to lead that. You want to be the one to lead that dance. So here's a quick solution to help you do that. The next date you have, or the next woman

you talk to out in the real world, you know, like in a social setting, don't do this at work, but do this in the bar, or do this the next time you chat up a woman out at the gym or your favorite coffee shop. I want you to give her a compliment about something you notice about her as a person that's not about her body or her measurements, as attractive and lovely as her body and measurements might be. Find out something about her that you find charming and tell her and use the word charming. You could say, you know what's really charming about you? It's the way you, I'm just, I don't know. It's the way you giggle and laugh when you ask a question or it's the way you look up to the right and bite your lip when you're thinking.

It's so charming when you do that and lip when you're thinking. It's so charming when you do that and smile when you say it. So that's a little, small, little flirting move, the charming compliment. It's very gentlemanly and there's nothing creepy about it. And big picture, the aha moment I want you to have here is realizing that it's not creepy to flirt with a woman. It's not creepy to flirt with a woman. It's not creepy to let a woman know you find her interesting and attractive and you want a date with her or that you're attracted to her. There's nothing creepy about that. What is creepy is only making it about a woman's body or looks. That's creepy or can be creepy because it makes her an

object and that's no good. And the other thing that's creepy is a guy who goes on a date with a woman or who likes a woman and he doesn't flirt at all. He just treats her like a friend. That's pretty creepy. Hiding your feelings, hiding your interest out of fear. I'm not saying you are a creep, quite the opposite. I know you're a great guy. I know you're a gentleman. I know you're a sweetheart, because I'm all those things too. And if you're listening to this, it's probably because you resonate with what I'm about. But a woman's going to mistake not making moves for creepy. So it's way creepier to want to make a move and not do it than to flirt and make some

move. Okay, here's a third mistake men make, which is being indecisive on dates. Not leading on dates, being indecisive. Be a man with a plan. Plan the date. Come up with the idea for the first date. Suggest the when, the where, the what. And of course, get her sign off on it, but you're the one who leads that dance. As opposed to never, ever say these words. Never, ever say to a woman, so what do you want to do? Or at least don't, I'm not saying don't get her input, but don't leave it to her to plan it. You're the man, be a man with a plan. Women love decisive men. Okay. And I think the fourth and final mistake I want to talk about right now is, yeah, it's the big one actually. It's kind of what this whole podcast is about, which is not being real, not being your genuine, real, authentic self, putting on and supplicating.

Nothing wrong with being nice, by the way. But we don't want to be supplicating on a date. You don't want to put on a fake mask of like, everything she says is amazing and perfect and oh my God, I hope she likes me. That's not authentic. It's also not authentic to wear some fake alpha male mask. Don't wear that mask. It's also not authentic to hide your true self. And playing it safe is also inauthentic. So I think the biggest mistake that

men make is just putting on some kind of a mask. The mask I used to put on back in the day was, I'm nice, funny, Connell, but don't flirt. That's creepy. Don't take chances. Don't say something that she might not like. And it was only when I made a big shift toward being what I call radically authentic, when I let my smart-ass side come out, and my sweetheart side, and my nerdy side, it wasn't until I really learned how to channel the real me that women started to really, really fall for me. So that's the fourth and biggest mistake I think men make is being inauthentic, wearing a mask, not showing their true best selves to women. Because

don't forget, your most authentic self is you at your most attractive and women want to meet that version of you. Okay. Those are my four big mistakes men make and the solutions for each of those mistakes. And now let's talk to Lisa Hickey of the Good Men Project. And don't forget, stick around to the very end of the episode because Lisa is going to share the biggest mistake that men make, the fifth of our five big mistakes men make that you might be making. So enjoy Lisa Hickey. Thanks for listening. Hey, welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt,

get a great girlfriend, and do it by being authentic. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed. And today I am really thrilled to welcome an extraordinary guest. Her name is Lisa Hickey. Lisa is the founder of the Good Men Project. And under her leadership, the Good Men Project has reached over 3 million unique visitors every single month. And the Good Men Project leads a global community that is dedicated to exploring modern masculinity. And through her work, Lisa empowers men, especially single men, to grow, to learn, to navigate the rocky waters of dating and relationships, and to do it with integrity and purpose and authenticity and as a friend to women. And her efforts, I'm just such a fan of her efforts. They illuminate what it really means to be a man in today's world.

So Lisa, your insights are really helping men today. Thank you so much. It's an honor to have you here. Oh, it's an honor to be here. I'm very excited for this. And stick around till the end of today's episode, because at the end, Lisa's going to save what is, she said, arguably her number one biggest dating tip that she thinks men need to know.

And she knows men very, very well. Also, you can learn more about the Good Men Project by going to goodmenproject.com. And you can also go to the Good Men Project's new sub goodmenproject.com. And you can also go to the Good Men Project's new sub stack. It's all about dating. It's gmpdating.substack.com. And oh, by the way, every so often you might see a column show up by yours truly. I occasionally write a advice column that appears on the Good Men Project where men like you ask questions. So that pops up now and then, and you can also find out more there. Okay, let's talk about men. Let's talk about dating. Let's start with this question, Lisa. The Good Men Project has started for over a

decade now, been starting a global conversation about men and masculinity. What inspired you to create it? And how do you help single men today? Thank you. Yeah, I love talking about the origin story of the Good Men Project. So we really started, it was when I had met a venture capitalist by the name of Tom Matlack, and he was putting together a book of men's stories. And at the time, I was doing social media, I had done marketing, advertising, and so he wanted some help promoting the book, getting him on Facebook. And so he was telling me about the book and he said, it was all stories of men and a defining moment in their lives. And he said, what was so interesting was that when he asked men about a defining moment in their lives, they all said some variation of the same thing, which was, I thought I knew what it meant to be a man.

I thought I knew what it meant to be good. And I realized I didn't know either of them. And I was so blown away by that insight. My first thought was, oh, men have problems too. Which, you know, of course I should have known. But sometimes we get so inside our heads that nobody else is going through these struggles, and especially men who don't tend to talk about them because of society's pressures to not do that. So I helped Tom Matlack launch the book. We did the regular book tour. But

then at the end of it, we were like, how could we make this even bigger? How can we really spark a conversation about how men's roles are changing today? Like, how it just seems like change is happening so fast that we can't keep up with it. And how can we get inside the angst that men are going through, whether it's for dating or other relationships or parenting or just the pressures of the world today? So that was when we came up with this idea to start this online platform to get men to contribute their stories, to really get deep into the weeds about what is going on with their life today and how we could create tools and stories of other men and

connect people and really build a vibrant community that could help change men's lives for the better. You said the word angst. It's a good word. Did say the word angst. There's a lot of angst going around for men and people in general. What about in relationships or for single, Like the man listening to this is probably definitely single. He's a bit on the shy side. Nice guy. Total gentleman. Sweetheart.

And he wants a great girlfriend. He wants some dates. But he also has some angst, too. Maybe he doubts himself. Maybe he's not sure. Is it okay to make moves? Or is that creepy and weird to make moves in dating? Where would you like to start with some angst that men deal with today that maybe they can get some help with at the Good Men Project?

Yeah, well, I'm sad to say we have not solved the angst problem. We have not gotten it to go away completely. In part, just because, you know, things are getting tougher out there. There's the whole rise of technology, which I think has made it harder for men to get those authentic connections, which they seek. There's the pressure of society to like, don't say the wrong thing, you'll get in trouble. So there's a lot of pressure on men. And I think I would try to, I would ask men to think to themselves, are the stakes really that high?

Like, is this one interaction really going to be as important as I think it is? Or can I use this as just practicing making better relationships? Can I use every interaction as a way to have fun with people, to connect with people, to really understand how to develop relationships? And so I think that, you know, helping them be present in the moment, helping them be confident, helping them understand what's great about themselves, what they're bringing to the table, and also being able to connect with the other person. Like really think about the other person and get outside of their head a little bit. Yeah. You mentioned high stakes and how it can feel very high stakes and high pressure to put some kind of romantic card on the table or take a risk. The very first chapter of my book opens with a scene where I'm going out to meet women

for the very first time in the real world. I had never approached a woman in my life until my late 30s. And moments before I was about to walk onto this rooftop bar in New York City with my first coach back in the late 00s, I first had to walk. I went into the men's room stall and I had a panic attack. I started shaking and I started getting the dry heaves and I wasn't drinking. It was all from this story I was telling myself about, oh my gosh, it is so high stakes. What's about to happen. I'm about to find out whether or not I am worthwhile as a man in the eyes of these women, which is a silly thing now that I look at it 15 years later, but boy, it felt high stakes. Talk about angst. That was a very angsty moment for me. Well, that thing you just said about, you know, am I worthwhile as a man? that is what we hear over and over.

Like society put such pressure on men to be this perfect, idealized version of a man. And what we find is that the more men can be their authentic selves, to know what is really great about themselves, and to understand how to forge these deeper relationships, the better off everyone's going to be. Yeah. Do you have any insights into how the typical man who goes to the Good Men Project or who might be listening today,

any advice on how he can start to lower the stakes for himself and get in touch with what he offers and get in touch with his worth and stop worrying about his lack of worth? Yeah, I think there's a couple of different ways. So one is by, you know, one of the things we say is if you want to develop self-esteem, go out and do something esteemable. So continue to try to like take actions that bring value to your own life. You know, go out and connect with other men as well as other women. Go out and do something great for your community. Go out and learn a new skill. Take a class, not to meet women, but because

there's something you really want to learn that you want to be excited about. Figure out what your passions are. Figure out what's worked well in the past, even if it's with non-romantic relationships, right? Like, surely there are relationships you have that do work. Maybe it's, you know, guys that you work with. Maybe it's people you play sports with. Maybe it's your family. What is it about those relationships that work? And I think that helps bring the stakes down. It's like, oh, you're just trying to make a connection with another human being. That's really all it is. So I think those are some of the things that we would tell them. I love the idea of making sure you pursue some passions in life,

things that you're passionate about. I have my clients, in the very first week of working with him, I say, all right, let's get you a passion project that you're excited about that's new. It could be reading the book he blew off in college, Connell said, projecting his own past screw-ups on this podcast. It could be taking a cooking class. For me, it was taking improv and acting classes,

which was something I did just for my own self-improvement progress, but also I realized, wow, this is really helping me talk to women, get better at talking to women, because I can talk about my fun improv class I took. And maybe I've learned some fun new skills, like conversation skills. Is that what you mean by passion, finding things you're passionate about? Yeah. It's like things that you're excited about that make you eager to get out of bed. And so, but I think the improv is a

great example because it's something you're excited about, but it's also developing skills so that you can, um, you can use those in any conversation, right? Like that's what improv's all about. It's like someone will say something and then you have to keep that conversation going. So that's a great way to give skills and also do something that you're excited about. Yeah. I think that people just are drawn to the good emotions that come from passion and excitement. Like if I may ask you, we didn't plan any of this except for a couple little notes before you and I talk, Lisa. What are a couple of things in your life right now that you're excited about or passionate about? Oh, wow. I have like so many. So I'm always excited about the Goodman Project. Like I get up in the morning and I carry my laptop around while I'm like cooking breakfast so that I can like keep working on things.

Multitasker. Very impressive. Multitasker. Yeah. But so, for instance, we started you mentioned the dating newsletter that we start on Substack. So people can sign up for these newsletters. They get three articles a week on dating tips and advice. Your articles on the dating advice column that you've written for us will be included in those. Thank you.

But so Substack is a social media platform. So it gives you practice in talking to people because you have to learn to connect to other people in the community. And those are the types of things that get me really excited. Like what can I put on the Substack that people will really connect with, they'll respond to, they'll talk about. And then that makes me say, oh, this is what's important to men and to people who are looking for dating advice. It just helps give feedback in real time. So I get really excited about that. I'm brand new to sub stack. In fact, the Goodman Project dating Substack, spoiler alert, it's the first time I ever went to Substack.

Well, that's a good reason to go. Grandpa Connell is learning a new skill set today. So when you go on Substack, you're interacting with people or you have conversations with people? You do. Okay. So it's a multitasking social media platform. So it's, it has the newsletter, so you can just choose to get the newsletter in

your inbox. So you'll get articles, um, once, twice, three times a week from people that you follow, or you can go on their thing called notes where it's more like a Twitter or Facebook type of thing where you are actually talking and interacting with people. Okay. That sounds great. Any practice a man can get in interacting and socializing with others, anyone, that's a good thing in 2024, almost 25. Being able to understand the art of connection, of communication, and just learning how to express yourself in a hopefully real, authentic way and helping other people feel good about doing that. That's so much of dating in my book. So much of dating. And just for the record, you should be doing this offline as well as online.

But, you know, one advice I give is just to try and connect people everywhere. Like if you're going to the grocery store, you know, it doesn't matter who they are. It's not that you're going out and like seeking to pick up women at all these places. What you're doing is practicing making an authentic connection with anyone so that you know what it is about yourself that people respond to so that you can figure out what you're interested in. Right? Like what is it about people that fascinates you?

What do you like most? And then you'll be able to find your ideal partner if you know what it is you're looking for. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you. And sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there.

But I escaped. Using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend.

So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Here's a simple tip, dear listener, that piggybacks off of something Lisa just said. Once a day, you can and should make a social effort in the real world to make somebody's day 1% better by saying something to them that might make them smile or might give them something. The little trick I use with my

clients, Lisa, is I tell them, you don't talk to people or even or potentially a woman you might want to date, don't talk to them through the lens of, what do I get from them? Do I get self-esteem from them? Do I get their phone number? Do I get love? That's going to make those stakes really high. I say, what can I give them? What's a small, quick little compliment or a question that I find interesting? And if you just make that person's day 1% better, it takes so much of that anxiety away of the self and makes it about making their day better. So that's my tip of the day. Make one person's day a little bit better by giving them a compliment or asking them a question that you think they might be interested in hearing from you. I love that advice. I just made it up.

I mean, not literally, but. But you know, what you said about compliments, one of the articles on our site that has gotten the most views out of any, and I'm talking tens of millions of views, is six types of compliments men would like to hear more often. Because we don't, you know, there is some weird thing about like complimenting men, which people are sometimes afraid of, like giving real, true, authentic compliments. And so one example that they talk about in this article is

compliment a man and in a way that shows that you believe in him, right? That you have faith that he can do what he says to do or compliment him in a way that says they're trustworthy. Like a compliment doesn't have to be about appearance or success. A compliment, you know, a compliment that really rings true is about some part of that person that you see that others may not. And I feel like that's one of the best types of compliments. That's so great. Complimenting somebody on something that you see that they don't. That's like having x-ray vision. I love that.

One of my favorite tips, I've given this on recent episodes, so forgive me if I'm repeating myself, sir, listener. But I love to, on a first date or a first conversation with a woman who a man is interested in, I have him, I say, what is something that you find fascinating or attractive or intriguing about her that is not about her physical body alone? And tell her what that is. And find something. Make it it genuine make it real and the example i've used a couple times is my on my first date with my now girlfriend jess i was just so blown away

by how witty and funny she is and i said you know what's really attractive about you i told we're on my rooftop drinking wine and on our first date and i said you you are so quick-witted I am always the funny one on a date I'm just trying to keep up with you I'm not easily impressed and she I could see her guard dropped a little bit and she she later told me how that melted her because a million men have said oh you're pretty you're cute you're this you're that but I was that one guy who said boy you're you're funny and quick-witted so I love the idea of trying to find that secret, hidden part, the compliment that that person, male or female, it could just be a friend, to your point. You can compliment a man. There's nothing wrong with that either.

Oh, hello? Oh, okay, cool. Being sure I lost you for a second. I thought I lost you for a second. And also specificity with a compliment. Yes, specificity is a big one. I mean, I think that's when people get in trouble with compliments is that they just say something that sounds like anybody could have said that they themselves have said a million times before. So it comes out almost robotic like right but if you're really there in the moment with someone it like it's it's what you said when you met your now girlfriend it's like you're really focusing on something that got you to respond that to them in a unique way. So it's not something that you could say to everyone, right?

You wouldn't say that to every girl, but you would to every woman that you met. Well, you have this unique lens because you are the head of the Good Men Project, so you know about men, but you're also a woman. And to an extent, I think you can speak for women, or at least I'm giving you permission to. So you have this fantastic lens into both men and women. Can you share some insights into any, like one great tip was the compliment tip.

Make it specific. Mean it. Are there any things that you've noticed that men do in dating that you know for a fact women either do not like this thing, or maybe they do like a thing and men should do it more often? Yeah, that's a great question. I think one thing that comes up a lot is when a man isn't actually listening and they'll interrupt a woman because they, you know, they're so quick to want to say what they have to say. So it's almost like while the woman's talking, they're in their own head trying to figure out what they're going to say next. And they can't wait

to say that. So they must say this now. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So I know that that. I must say this now. Exactly. So I know that that's one thing. I think that sometimes men take the self-confidence thing to the extreme, so they come off as arrogant, as if like, oh, I'm just better than anyone else. So I think it's important to understand that self-confidence has to come from a place deep inside you that isn't that you're better than the other person, but that you're equals, equal but different in a way. You have your own things that are going to be totally unique. Nobody else

can bring to the table what you're bringing, but it does not by any means mean you're better than them. And so I feel like that's an important skill to have. But what if you're just superior to everybody like I am? What if you're just the greatest person alive. I mean, what about people like me? That's okay, because you're you. But see, you... No, I hear you. I think that it's a nice balance to be able to, on a date or in a romantic context, first one or two dates,

first couple conversations a man might have. You do want to feel self-confident or be self-confident. But I like to actually go out of my way to let a woman know that there's certain things i don't know anything about i would love for her my date to tell me all about this i remember i was on a i was this wasn't me one of my very first clients charles a doctor he was talking about dating a woman who taught Shakespeare in college. And he said, I feel so insecure. I don't know anything about Shakespeare. She's going to find out. I don't know anything about Shakespeare. She's not going to like me. And I said, dude, you're a doctor. He's a doctor and he was a great dancer. He kind of had a pit bull

look to him. I don't mean the dog. I mean the performer. He had a pitbull vibe. He had this cool, badass pitbull vibe. He was a doctor. And I said, dude, you don't need to impress her. You're a physician. You look like pitbull. You're

a doctor. Tell her I don't know anything about Shakespeare. Let her be the one to teach you. She'll love how good it feels to make her the expert. So there's nothing wrong with admitting that you don't know anything about Shakespeare. Let her be the one to teach you. She'll love how good it feels to make her the expert. So there's nothing wrong with admitting that you don't know about something. I think that kind of self-effacing, like a really confident man who knows what he's good at, what he knows about, combine that with maybe being self-effacing or vulnerable to show that you don't know everything. I don't know. I think that's attractive to a lot of women. What do you think? I love that. I think that's super attractive. Yeah, I think in terms of attractiveness, that's like right up there in the top 10 in terms of what

is attractive, I think. And why is that? Well, it's a combination of self-awareness, but also kindness in a way, in some funny way, because you're like really trying to understand the other person and what's unique about them. And then you're, you know, what's unique about you. And when they say like, you know, sparks fly, or there's chemistry, it's like, when you both get that about each other that, oh, this person is a little bit different than me. But that's so cool. And yet we're also vibing on some things that are similar. Like, I feel like that's when the sparks really start to fly. Yeah. Yeah.

I just, I love the idea of making her the expert in something or not making her, but helping her be the expert in what she's great at. That's not something to be insecure about as a man. That's something that if anything, it shows you're not insecure because you're willing to let her show off. Yet two people taking turns being experts at things they know about and teaching the other person. I think

that's beautiful. Exactly. It's almost like a little dance, you know? So yeah, I think that's great. There's so much I don't know about. I mean, I'm in a relationship, but if I was single, I'd like to say, okay, I want this woman to teach me all about being a flight attendant or a pilot or whatever she knows about, because I know nothing about that. I'd be fascinated to learn that. And one thing I've learned is that people in general and women in particular really like it when the person they're talking to finds them fascinating, finds them interesting. That just makes both of you feel really good. Absolutely. Well, it also gets back to what we were talking about before with passion,

right? Having something you're passionate about. So if you can get somebody to talk about something that they're passionate about, they're going to talk about that in a really excited way. And then they're going to remember that conversation as having been really exciting because they were so excited when they were talking about it. So, you know, it all kind of connects. It's like finding out what the other person is passionate about, getting them to share that with you, then having your enthusiasm rub off on them. And I just feel like that's when conversations get really exciting. Let's talk about maybe some fun topics for dates or for texting exchanges, because maybe the most common question I get from men or what's in the top three is, what do I say? What do I talk about? What the heck do we talk about on dates?

Are there any topics that come to mind that women, generally women, a lot of women like to talk about literature, travel, movies, pop culture? What comes to your mind as a woman who also knows men really well? Yeah, I really think it depends on the woman. And that's why sort of seeing, you know, being an active listener, understanding like what is exciting to them personally. Yeah. And diving into that. But you had written a column once that talked about how to get away from the interview type questions and ask questions that were more fun and flirty. So I think one of them was something like, what's the best thing that happened to you today besides meeting me? I love that because that sort of has everything that we've talked about, right?

Yeah. You're trying to really find out something very specific about them, like what makes them happy, what their day is like. But then you're also a little self-effacing. You also have a little humor in there. You're obviously not um being taken seriously by saying besides me but it it comes across as very confident and yeah so so i just like love that question thank you it's so the idea there is that you're being so over the

top almost arrogant that you're making fun of those kinds of arrogant men, but you also get some points for cheekiness that you're kind of getting, you're getting your cake and eating it too. Cheekiness is a great word. It's very cheeky. That's definitely my style. And that's not for every guy. I'm all about being authentic and really finding what works for you. So you don't have to say that if that's not you. But if you're a natural born smartass, like I am, I'm going to show that to my dates. I'm not dating now, but I'll show it to my girlfriend all the time. We're always bantering back and forth being smartasses with each other.

I was going to ask you something. you're an author of is it three books three books on they're actually on advertising and some of the best like okay ad campaigns in in the past because that's what i did uh before i got into social media before i started running the goodman project I was in advertising. Okay. That always helped, like, trying to think of, like, clever things to say. Because if you can sell someone, like, a shoe, you can talk to them about anything. Yeah.

If you can sell a shoe to a person who's got a lot of shoes, then it's not really just about the shoes. Exactly. Well, the reason I asked you about your being an author is what about the topic of, and I know it's going to change from woman to woman, man to man, the topic of books, culture? Is that a good topic for a date or is it more about how you talk about those topics? Yeah, no, I think it's a little of both. Like, I think that things in the pop culture are good because they're shared experiences, right? So if you're talking about a book that a lot of people know, it's not just something you've read, something they've read. It's something everybody has a point of view about.

So that's why I do like, you know, it, again, it sort of depends on what the person's into, but whether it's books or movies or news events or, or just something where you can get a feeling of what their likes are, what their dislikes are, what they find interesting about things that are out there in the culture. I think that's always a good conversation starter. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's going to help you flirt with confidence.

Because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt, right? Well, let's fix that. I'm going to give you what I call the flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool, sexy women starting today. It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are going to make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free.

Just go to datingtransformation.com slash flirty30. And that's F-L-I-R-T-Y 3-0. Datingtransformation.com slash flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty30. Speaking about something that's out in the culture, you and I were messaging before this interview, and you mentioned to me how it just seems that dating has gotten harder than

ever for a lot of men. And one of the examples that you mentioned was I did a column for you a while back and I answered a reader's letter. A man was trying to find out if he should literally, a man who was not tall, like 5'5", 5'6", he asked a question. He said, hey, I'm thinking about getting my legs broken because there's something called leg lengthening surgery that certain people have. And it's something that more and more men who aren't tall are having done to get a few inches of height. It's very painful. Basically, the legs are broken in multiple places. And then for about a four, three to six month period of healing, after that healing period, the man is two or three inches taller. And this is all to get dating

success, all to help shorter men feel more confident or be more attractive to women. So just as that context, as backdrop, what does that say about the extremes people go to now for dating? What does that say about why dating is harder now than ever? Or is it harder now than ever? What do you think? Yeah, that question kind of broke my heart a little bit. And what you didn't mention was that he also said that it cost $100,000 to get the surgery. And I was thinking, what could you better, you know, surely there are things you could better spend $100,000 on than that. And to go through that pain. So I think that I do feel like dating has gotten a little harder. There's a lot of fear. There's a lot of

divisiveness in the world right now. There's this feeling that, you know, of not being good enough or not knowing the rules. It's like what I hear a lot, and I'm sure you hear this too, is like, well, everyone else seems to know all the rules, but somehow I didn't get that instruction manual, you know. But, yeah, the idea that someone would have to get their legs broken and be in pain and spend all that money because they think that an other two inches of height is the one thing that's going to change.

I mean, that just seemed so sad to me. And I really liked your answer, which was you don't need a more towering body what you need is a more towering self-confidence like yeah go into a room and just project what your good qualities are you know maybe it's being funny and if you don't know how to be funny that's something you can take an improv you can learn that you know you can learn. It's a lot cheaper and less painful. Exactly. A lot cheaper and less. But you know, it's funny because somehow I think that sometimes people think that would be harder. Like they think that it would actually be easier to have surgery that would be excruciatingly painful than to go out and do something like improv where

they might fail, it might embarrass them, it might make them uncomfortable. And it's like, no, those are the types of things you should be doing. That's such a great point. Back to something you said a little while ago, you about self-doubt and and the fear of finding out you're not enough or feeling you're not enough i think i think that is the deepest wound that hurts the most men and i the fear of finding out you're not good enough it's so strong i i once had a client he was is a firefighter out in Texas. And he came to me and he said, Connell, I literally walk into burning buildings and save people's lives or try to.

I don't even think about it. He once fell through the kitchen floor of this house that was on fire. And he said, that's just the job. That's just what I signed up for. He is quite literally a hero. house that was on fire and he said that's just the job um that's just what i signed up for he is quite literally a hero he's 20 times more heroic than anything i could be at least in terms of putting yourself in physical danger but he could not talk to a attractive woman standing next to him at the bar like that because of the fear of oh what if she rejects me how what is

that going to say about me as a man and i've've had Iraq war veterans who were in firefights and they did jaw-droppingly brave things, but can't walk up to a pretty girl and try to talk because of that fear of, oh gosh, what does that say about me as a man? So it's just so important. And what's beautiful about the Good Men Project is part of your mission, I feel, is to help men see how good they are and how they're worth so much, no matter what other people might think of them in that given moment. Exactly. Yeah, I know. Boy, that breaks my heart, too. The firefighter who is not brave enough to talk to a woman next to him. And, you know, I also want to say to men, it's like, as women, we're just humans too.

You know, we really are. So it's okay if you stumble. You know, I think we talked a little bit about like sort of that self-awareness or self-effacing nature. Like if you make a mistake just own up to it like say oh my god i that must have sounded like the stupidest thing ever that i just said yeah and it's okay like just admit it and move on and don't worry so much about it like really try to get out of your own head and more into the moment. Well said.

Very well said. Well, back to that first night I talked about my panic attack in the bathroom stall at this rooftop lounge in 2009. Then I finally approached a woman, finally, for the first time in my 38 years, and it went fine. It didn't go great, but neither did she take out a whistle and blow it and said this guy is creeping me out get him out of here she was just a pretty girl in a cowboy hat and we talked for a minute or two and she walked away saying nice meeting you she she softly rejected me and i stood there thinking that's what i've been afraid of all these years that wasn't so bad that's what i was just dry heaving in the bathroom stall about? Oh my gosh, this isn't that big a deal. So the lesson there for my guys is sometimes you just got to do what's scary. And usually you

realize, oh, I got to get into the lion's den. But then you realize there's no lions here. There's just kitty cats. They're just people. They're just women trying their best. Yep. Okay. Let's wind, uh, let's wind down with some fun questions. Uh, we've had some fun already, but let's have some more fun. Um, here's some fun questions that you and I were talking about before we hopped on. Um, question number one, if you Lisa of the good men project were to create a class called Love 101, working title, and you were teaching this in schools, what would be the most important lesson on the syllabus for young single men looking to date and looking to form relationships?

So, by the way, I think this should be taught in schools. You know, we spend so much time on like these hard skills, which are important, you know, math, science, reading, all of that, you know, should be taught. But isn't love like the greatest thing of all? Like, shouldn't we teach people how to actually love and have relationships and have authentic connections? I feel like we don't teach that nearly enough.

So my course would be about, and some of these things that we've already mentioned, but really on how to be there in the moment with somebody, like how to have a back and forth that keeps going where you're acknowledging you're actively listening and then you're acknowledging what they say and then you're adding something else to that and then when that topic winds down you move on to another one but you don't jump from lily pad to lily pad. You don't keep going in a bunch of different directions. You ask questions that go a little deeper. So like that would be the first piece of it is just all about how to communicate in the moment. But then I also think there should be, it should be taught like how to follow up, right? Like sometimes you'll have a great date or you'll have a good interaction with

someone, you know, a stranger maybe, and then you let it go because you don't know what to do next. And again, I feel like this is something you can practice, like how to have ongoing relationships with people that last a long time. So, you know, another piece of advice might be to reach out to someone you haven't talked to in a while, even if it's, you know, not someone that you're looking to date, like, just like, how do you keep relationships going over time? So how to meet people in the moment, how to keep relationships going over time. And then I would say, how to have fun doing that all. Because it, you know, we talked about angst in the beginning. So how to have fun doing that all. Because we talked about angst in the beginning. So how to turn that angst into excitement,

like how to use that angst to get past it. Maybe it's just being brave or maybe it's just figuring out a way to make it fun. But how to turn that angst into excitement. So those would be the three things in my course. I love it. I love it. One of my favorite approaching tips is I try to help a guy take that anxiety and turn into something fun. So I'll have a client look at a woman who he wants to talk to at the bar. And I'll say, what are you really afraid of?

It's like, oh, she's going to reject me. And then I'll say, then what would happen? And I would have him exaggerate it two or three times. And I'd say, and I want you to walk up and say, okay, excuse me. I just saw you and I had to come meet you. Or else I'm going to have to join the monastery. You're my last chance. It's either you or an inflatable woman. So fingers crossed. All of a sudden we're turning that anxiety into something playful, which is how I love to help guys have their breakthroughs. So I love that. I love the angst to fun. Okay, next question is, if you, in your esteemed position at the Good Men Project, could wave a magic wand, give men a dating or relationship superpower,

it could be the ability to read minds, or to be witty uh, know exactly what to do for his partner. No wrong answer. What dating superpower or room or relationship superpower would you love to be able to give men? Yeah, I think I would love to give them the superpower of being vulnerable to really, you know, if you're afraid, like, say you're afraid or make a joke out of it or admit some of your failings or, you know, say that you had a bad day. I feel like, you know, it's like not really about reading minds because you can actually find out what's going on in someone's mind. And the way you do that is by asking questions to getting them to talk. Like you don't have to read minds, you know. You can actually find out what someone's thinking by having a really great conversation with them. not having that fear of seeing the real you, minimizing those stakes a little so that it's not so, like every sentence isn't so important.

Wonderful. Man, I wish I'd known that 20 years ago. I had that tip 20 years ago. Oh, speaking of what I just said, wish my younger self knew that. Last question, then we'll do your bonus tip, and then I'll let you go. If you could go back in time, Lisa, you could choose the time,

five years, 10 years, 20 years, your choice. If you could go back in time and give your younger self one piece of either dating or relationship advice, what would that be so that advice would be don't go on a date only thinking of yourself like like i screwed up so many dates because i was just there thinking okay okay am i what's what is he thinking about me does does do i look okay does he like me am i going to say something stupid like i'm having a running conversation in my head with myself where does that mean my date sounds crowded in there so it's like how could i even have a conversation a real authentic conversation with the person sitting across from me but I can't even get out of the conversation that's going on in my own head. So I would definitely tell my younger self not to do that.

I love it. I would tell my pre-approaching self from the late double zeros, hey, you're just going out to meet women. It's okay. There's nothing at stake here. Your self-worth is not on the line. You're just talking to women. Enjoy it. But, oh, well, you live and you learn. Okay, let's answer that one final bonus question. What is the number one piece of dating advice

you think that men need to know that will help them? From Lisa Hickey, The Good Men Project. Thank you. This one is a little mantra that I think to myself all the time, like before I'm going into any sort of stressful situation or meeting someone new or someone that I really care about. And it is, seek to connect, not to impress. Because if you're trying to impress someone, who are you thinking about? You're thinking about you and how great you are. And like, you're not thinking about them. But if you really focus on how do you have that

connection with them? I find it to change everything. So anytime before I go into any sort of relationship or any meeting someone new, I always say that to myself, seek to connect, not to impress. I love that. Women aren't going on dates thinking,

Oh boy, I hope this guy impresses me. Right, right. Exactly. And yet that's what we try to do so much, right? We sort of posture and we're like, oh yeah, you know, let me show you how rich I am

or let me show you how smart I am or how handsome I am or whatever. And I don't think you need to do any of that. Like bring your whole self and focus on the connection with the person in front of you. Yeah, instead of trying to impress her, try to connect with her. And that will be really impressive to her. Exactly. That's going to be more impressive than anything. She's just going to feel like, oh, I feel so connected to this guy. I don't know what it is. And that's a way to

impress without trying to impress. What a great, wise words to end on. Lisa Hickey, thank you so much for being here. Again, you can go to the Good Men, I'm sorry, go to goodmenproject.com, and you can also read some of my work there, but also just get so many great tips, dating, relationship. Oh, you've got a whole hub on Good Men Project for dads,

which I love. We do. I love that. I coach a lot of single dads, which I love. We do. I love that. I coach a lot of single dads. And I'm just a pro dad, even though I'm not a dad. Anyway, goodmenproject.com. And then there's the gmpdating.substack.com of the new sub stack that is all about dating. And Lisa Hickey, thank you so much for being here.

Oh, thank you. This was wonderful. Thanks for Hickey, thank you so much for being here. Oh, thank you. This was wonderful. Thanks for having me. And thank you for listening. And don't forget, your dream girlfriend, she's out there, and she is going to love you. She just has to meet the real, authentic you. So go out there, take authentic, courageous action, and carpe datum. Seize the date.

Until next time.