I Don't Know About That - ATM: Episode 13 - New Zealand's January 6th

Episode Date: May 28, 2025

At this moment Jim and Amos talk about what would go down in New Zealand if they had their own January 6th. They also talk about how Jim sits funny, what cops should do with their bodycams, who the hottest mall food court CEO is and how they like Tom Cruise even though he's part of a cult that makes people disappear. SOCIALS: Jim Jefferies Website: https://www.jimjefferies.com IG: https://www.instagram.com/jimjefferies FB: https://www.facebook.com/JimJefferies Twitter: https://twitter.com/jimjefferies Amos Gill IG: @abitofamosgill FB: https://www.facebook.com/AmosGillComedy/ Theme Song: "Rein It In Cowboy" by the Doohickeys

Good morning Australia, good morning America, good morning Great Britain to our few people listening in South Africa and the fella in New Zealand. Hello, Ful. I'm here with Amos Gill. Welcome to the At This Moment podcast. Always good to get things out of the way. Let's do our plugs out of the way so we can get it at the top of the podcast. I'm going to be in Tacoma, Washington and Spokane this weekend Tacoma Thursday Spokane Friday Saturday. Hopefully the audience won't be in a coma

Okay, what else shit on your game? No, no, I'm saying hopefully they won't be I'm saying hopefully that you'll employ Well, I'll do good stuff Yeah, thanks for being that came out to Toronto a lot of people who'd listen to this I was very surprised about to the two people people who went to Toronto? It was four. Okay, I know I heard you did very well you told me of course. I'll be in St. Petersburg May 30th or 31st I'll be in Orlando both in Florida both in Florida then hey Canada I can't stay away I love you much. I'll be June 12th, Saskatoon, June 13th, vagina, June 14th, Rama, Lamma ding dong, or just Rama, the casino Rama resort.

I don't know, but I'll be there. Ontario, Ontario, and then at Rockford, Illinois for the Rockford files. Then Bristol, Virginia on June 28th. And then I got some Hawaii gigs coming up, uh, in, um, uh, Maui, July 25th and July 26th in Honolulu. Hey, and for everyone living in the UK and Europe, there might be some gigs being announced soon for later in the year. And across Europe, there might be a young man coming along with me that you may have heard of.

Hank, my son. Oh, also Amos will be... I'll be babysitting Hank. Amos will be opening for Hank. Amos will be opening for me. I'll do what I can. And across the UK if you came last time I am hoping to have my two good buddies Glenn Wall and Andrew Maxwell open for me across there which they were some killer shows last time so hopefully you come to watch me again. Got a new set all figured out. That's unreal.

Let you know what, if we're talking to Europe, why don't we start off there? This is meant to be a topical podcast, which you stay away from at this moment. Have you been paying attention to the Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin? No, I know you haven't. Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump. Uh, let's hope that European shows are unencumbered by Eddie Schelling. They're not getting along at the moment.

Well, he was gonna fix that war up real quick, he said. He said, he said, he said, I'll get it fixed in a day. Fix it, hey, but he never said which day. So I'm gonna go through a couple stories that I saw. Number one, Trump went off on a truth social post about Vladimir Person said the guy that I know has gone absolutely crazy. He said this guy's lost his mind. What's he done now? Well he's they've been doing a lot of drone strikes into

the Ukraine and he's been talking about suffocating his enemies and a lot of people are wondering what's happened. Can I ask why they didn't do drone strikes to begin with? They've been doing that the whole time. Yeah exactly. Yeah. So why is this different? Well because they're going, they were meant to be reaching some kind of impasse, a slowdown and then they've ramped it back up and then the news that I was reading says that Vladimir Putin over the weekend was nearly killed by a drone strike on his helicopter. He was flying to Kursk and they said he had 46 enemy drones that tried to shoot him out of the sky on his these fixed-wing unmanned

aerial vehicles nearly killed him he landed roughly what is it 300 drones and 70 missiles he then sent into the Ukraine I don't believe him what about his helicopter nearly been shot down it's, I don't know. I don't believe him. It's hard to know if anything's going on. He just makes things up. As I said, I'll see this in five years. No, they want to assassinate. Of course they want to assassinate. The problem with trying to assassinate Vladimir Putin is who comes next.

Do you think there's a world leader on Earth that someone doesn't want to assassinate? That someone on this planet doesn't want to assassinate? I don't know who's leading New Zealand right now, but I don't know how much ill sentiment there is inside the country. Yeah, but then after what happened there's new fishing tics. Remember what happened in Christchurch and then the woman was she was very good but a lot of people didn't like her. Oh, yeah, the skeletal woman. Yeah, they didn't like her. She was knocked up when she got knocked up. Yeah, but I don't know. There was no January 6 in New Zealand. January 6. But what about the fucking... Oh, there was no January 6. Yeah, the Kiw 6th. Yeah, but what about the fucking...

Oh, there was no January 6th. Yeah, the Kiwis, they go, I think she's a butch. Yeah, we've got a storm, wa tu, wa tutu. We're all going in there. We're going to canoe up there and tell you a piece of our mind, eh? Yes, oh, we're going to fill in all the hot spas, all those bubbling bits of Rotorua. Change your policies or we might vote against you, maybe. Oh no, no don't change policy.

Should we do a revolution? Ah bro, that's a bit much. Ah, I'm a lefty New Zealander. I believe everyone should be all black at once. Yeah man, I don't think there's much unrest over there. Even if you're an Australian. We could do a couple New Zealand characters, that's the next radio thing.

We did that early on the podcast. Kiwi shock chokes. Yeah, Kiwi shock chokes. Oh no, but they used to be. And I actually say that. This government, and I don't want to be too harsh on it, a bit shit. Bit shit.

Yeah, bit shit. Bit shit. But we'll be doing a prank now. Gay couples adopting kids. Is your fridge running? Are they good parents? That's what I care about. Well that's a bit full on. How come shit parents who can be gay are not actually allowed to access the kids? And what's the name of your show? Oh bro, Rogan.

Alright let's... Oh bro Rogan. If you want to do some deadlifts you could look like an old black. Oh, all black? Oh geez I haven't done that since the 80s for a costume party. What do you mean the football team? Oh no. Oh shit bro. Why don't we... we went from a white guy to a Maori guy there for a bit but you don't see too much aggressive content coming out of... People like the Maori's wonderful wonderful they're most assimilated assimilated they're from no but I'm saying you never really hear of the one time that there was a mass murder down there it was unfortunate in Australia yeah it was a strange like it went over there no

we're no good they have they have they had one a serial killer you don't see many of those. Oh the serial killer? Well I know the drummer from ACDC who's probably Australian. He hired a bloke to kill another bloke and didn't get away with it because every bloke knows every other bloke. Oh no! The drummer from RCDC! Do they even have podcasts of true crime there? You know there's like the first 48. You get the internet first then the podcast. The first 48. We're all pretty sure it was met. Why do you say it was Matt for? I seen him do it, it was over there. Oh I was over there and then he was

running away over there. Yeah, another frivolous little country. Matt come back. When's your Kiwi tour? Because you've said you'll never go there. We're going all over Europe, New Zealand. I'll go back to New Zealand. I have a love hate with, look, I have New Zealand friends. When I've been there for the most part, they'd be very nice. I had a terrible gig once in Auckland that I- You've never forgotten it. I'm still angry about it.

I'm still angry about it. They were like children. You couldn't before. But then the rest of the country was fine. But I've gigged all over the world. That was my most hated crowd was one time in Auckland. Then the next time I went back to Auckland they were awesome So you guys swings around about a friend a friend of mine just said he was doing a gig in

Palm Springs, and he said oh the terrible crowd never digged in Palm Springs. I guess they're very very temperamental and I just went Yeah, I guess you know that's how fickle comedians are you we judge one gig the country We can write the whole country off. Four bad people in a room of 4,000 can make you think that the whole country is a bunch of dickheads. An English speaking comedian will go to Madrid, have a bad gig in Madrid and be like the Spanish don't have a sense of humor. Fuck the Spanish, they've got no sense of humor. Well you've been talking about American politics the whole time. It's like when we, do you remember when we performed in Milan and like Comedy's so new

over there that they don't laugh, they clap at the end of punchlines? Yeah they clap at the end of punchlines, yeah. But they meant well. Yeah they'll come up to you afterwards, you thought it was great and you're like, well you didn't laugh and they go, oh we thought they'd put you off. I always find the Dutch, the Dutch, I always do quite well in Holland. I've been gigging in Holland for over 20 years, but the Dutch, they're the ones, or any Scandinavian country, this is what they do after gigs, they come up to me and they go, I enjoyed

the show, yeah, like it was a good time and everything, but I was more offended last time when you came. And I didn't know I was doing an offense to her. I laughed just as much for sure but I was more offended last time. Your performance slash night I'm going to shave was seven out of ten. I've seen you better. Yeah, yeah. Still I am happy with your performance but you're shit this time. Still material not quite as good as it was but you know like you're not on cocaine and so maybe

that's different for you or maybe it's cuz I'm not on cocaine and so maybe that's different for you or maybe it's because I'm not on cocaine so who knows. Yeah they there is a it's a culturally autistic country the Dutch. I know the Scandinavians have a similar feel to that. The Dutch always make me laugh because they've got a thing called house proud. I've told you they're house proud right right? It's part of their culture and so you'll be walking on the streets and they have windows on their equivalent of brownstone sort of apartments and it'll be a busy street and they'll just be like just looking into someone's living room and there'll just be a bloke sitting there reading

the newspaper just staring at the traffic and it won't be tinted windows or anything and it's because nothing weird is going on here. is nothing weird to see also they have like an open door policy to show how normal they yeah yeah look how normal I am this is me and wife just sitting here just eating meal normal people like real estate you know you do you go through open houses they just do open houses but they're not selling yeah you look in here can you see Anne Frank? No. Our old friend, a good mate, he's very house proud about his old house. When I used to live with him, he would do the same thing. He would invite anyone in the street to show the work he's done

and his furniture and how he's placed it. Yeah, had it for a year. Had it for a year. Loved like, he would probably bring people off the street to show them the pizza oven. Oh, he had a lovely pizza oven. Most men in their middle ages get a little house proud, but not for the house, it's the backyard proud. How did we get onto this? Well, we're talking about Putin. So naturally we spoke about Forrest's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also, yeah, yeah, yeah. My mum didn't hug me enough. All right, carry on. Speaking of a disgruntled Eastern European man. So look, if we have to address the news it is that Vladimir Putin supposedly nearly shot out of the sky, he ups his attack on Ukraine, peace talks don't seem to be going anywhere, then the Germans for the first time in this war have given long-range missiles, which is an escalation they're essentially saying we'll give you weapons now that can reach Moscow,

so world could blow up. You know I watched Mission Impossible over the weekend. No, that would have helped. Have you seen it? I haven't seen the last eight, so I'm trying to catch up a bit. I saw the first two, I just, I've never liked it. Some people love it. I love them so, Tom Cruise, okay, so the movie is- Is a proper movie, so.

The movie is about something called the Entity. It's an AI virus that essentially turns all of the countries against each other, and then there is nuclear holocaust at the end that Tom Cruise has to prevent. And the first part of this one I thought was better than the second part but I watched on the weekend and Tom Cruise is maybe the last dude in cinema who just delivers every single time. That run, that run that he has elevates every single scene. He's so, he's like such a serious person about his craft.

He comes on before the movie. Jack, did you see, did he do the message at your cinema? So Tom Cruise does a message before the movie starts. He's like, I just want to say thank you for coming to watch it. We work so hard, the crew, the actors, the writers to deliver you proper cinema. And I'm glad you're here to watch it live. It's the best way to watch it in this in the movies. Yeah. Yeah and you know he's so

saccharine and upfront like he's so American and I love it. I love Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is aging perfectly. Tom Cruise is the most religious person I know that I enjoy the company of. Not that I've never met him. Yeah. That I'm like no he could be he could be more nuts. I'd be like, nah, Tom Cruise, man. Yeah, even that video, remember when he was on 60 Minutes Australia, put your manners back in? No. Do you know that? No. Okay, I'm gonna play this because at the time we were all like, he's a lunatic and now we all think the media are scumbags who intrude in people's lives way too much and that...

Okay, this is one thing I've got journalists right when will a journalist be depicted in a movie as not a hero? Like they are literally Superman. Yeah because I have been every time I I've been fucked over by journalists Sydney Telegraph comes to mind stitched me up on some bit of bullshit right right I've been fucked over by different journalists, misquoted, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? When is, every time you watch a journalist in a movie, it's like, I gotta fight for this story, this story's too important, it has to come out. And when is there gonna be one single someone that's just- I've been, every single night I'm diving deep into these forms that no one wants me to see

it. I have to deliver the truth and justice. Meanwhile, the president has dementia and they all miss the story that was right in front of them the entire time. Most of them are frauds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Most of them are frauds, Cagless. Okay, here we go.

This is one of my favourite things ever for Americans who haven't seen this. This is a show, this is our 60 minutes and Tom Cruise, he looks really young back then, but listen to him, look at her. Was Nicole the love of your life? What do you mean, Peter? You were married for 10 years? Listen, we raised children. I, you know,

how do you answer that question? She's someone that I plan on getting married again. You do? Oh, absolutely, yeah. And having kids? Absolutely. But Nicole was a major part of your life and a love of your life at the time. Of course.

I loved Nick very much. There's no question. Would you like Nicole to remarry? Yes. I want Nicole to be happy. That's what I want. And do you have a relationship where you talk, it's a parenting relationship, and talk professionally about each other's... Why don't we, why don't we, listen, here's the thing Peter. You're stepping over a line now. You're stepping over a line. You know you are. I suppose they're questions are people want to know Peter

You want to know? Take responsibility for what you want to know don't say what other people this is a conversation that I'm having with you right? You're on. Okay, so I'm just telling you right now Okay, just put your manners back in do you think I was out of line? Yes, absolutely. Well, I apologize for that sincerely. Okay, so I remember watching that as a kid and the whole of Australia was like, this guy is such a wanker, what a dickhead. And now with a new lens, you go,

he had boundaries that he was like, don't go there. And in a society that overshares all the time, we're so used to everyone just rolling with it like, well, I'm on air, so I better divulge everything that this person tells me. This guy's like, I'm not going to answer that. You're lucky to have my time. So I can stick to the movie. Yeah. Also, also he's divorced from a woman and you know, he's probably dating someone else. And we asked, is that person the love of your life when you've got another significant other. At that stage I think he was dating Penelope Cruz or something like that, right?

For him to be asked is your ex the love of your life. If my wife, if someone asked me about my ex, is that the, I should be furious. You know what I mean? But you remember this was around the couch jumping time. No, well that was before the couch jumping time because he hasn't started dating What's-the-name-homes yet? Oh, that's right. That's what that was Yeah, but like the journalist is doing that that classic Aussie thing of like we've got one connection to him being in Australia is he used to be with Nicole Kidman and he's obviously being told by the top down

Don't just talk to Tom Cruise about his movie or his life. You've got to reinforce so you used to fuck an Aussie Yeah, that was pretty good one that yeah, let's talk about that. He's like yeah she was great. He used to come out. Yeah but do you still think about her? He used to come out to Australia quite a lot Tom Cruise back in the day when he was married to her. And they shot that Mission Impossible there remember? They did yeah. That was like the beginning of like the Australian. So that's what's happening at this moment is it? Well the movie is out at the moment, and I think it's fantastic. I just can't believe how much I used to fucking hate Tom Cruise. And now I'm like, have I changed?

Has the world changed? I have never stopped liking Tom Cruise. But I'm quite sure that he's involved in a bizarre cult that disappears people. So there is always that. That's the whole thing. That's the whole thing. That's how charming the man is.

Now, if you ever watch that one, that they're just playing the Mission Impossible music, and it's just Tom Cruise just talking about Scientology and the music in the background is dun dun dun dun dun dun and he goes being a Scientologist means that you can you see something happen you can't just move on you can't you can't it's not allowed you know and you're like what the fuck you talking about you just say words. Have you ever wandered in to take one of those personality tests? In Perth, Australia, they had an office and they said, can you do a personality,

I believe it was Perth, it might've been somewhere else, but I think it was when I was at university. Can you come and do a, would you like to do a personality test? Right, and I was like, would I ever? I'd like to find out if I got one, right? So I went in there, now I went in there because I just bored them, just like, oh, what the fuck's going on in here like you know

that is on the internet these days everyone does it do you have ADHD test what kind of yeah what kind of personality type are you you click through back in the day that was just wandering into Scientology on the street yeah I was a bit of clickbait it was clickbait on the road yeah street clickbait and I sat in there and the guys like this he goes what color would you primarily see here and I'd be like blue and then he goes and what if you were to just say a number just now for 16 there's just things like this then he's still questions then he looked at the paper like this he went the answer

the answer. Can't be. Can't be. And then he... This midichlorian guy. Yeah, exactly. Can't be. Can't be. You're the chosen one. And then he goes and brings another bloke in. And the bloke goes in and he goes, he goes, and you can hear him in the background, the other room. I've read over the results three times. Oh my God. And you're meant to be sitting there like, they finally understand the potential that everyone has overlooked. 100% this is what they did. Then they come in and they go, you're a genius of the kind that we haven't seen in a very, very long time. I've never seen genius this high. No one says blue 16. Yeah, blue 16, right?

No, I haven't seen this level of intelligence ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, not coming to this office, not the Perth one, maybe in Sydney. Right? I've never seen it here. And he goes, you are a genius of the likes of never seen, but sadly, untapped. I'm an untapped genius. And with a few courses and a few different things, they could unlock it Right. I'm an untapped genius. And with a few courses and a few different things, they could unlock it and I would become a supreme being, bro. I was gonna be something. Do you think that?

I just didn't have the money to do the courses at the time. Do you think if you were, what would have it taken for you to go back? The girl interviewing would have had to be hotter and not a guy and she would have had to have been attracted to me. If she flirted with me I would have been back for a moment. Because is this pre... I'm 20. You're young, you're 20.

Is this pre... when did Scientology really go on the nose where everyone was like, we think that guy David Miscavige or what's his name? It is Miscavige right? No, no, no, no. A disappearing people at this stage when it was still run by a bloke called Ron well it was still Elron. Yeah Elron but it was still kicking about. Okay yeah Russell you had the OG guy there. I think so I don't know so when I was so when I was 21 so about the year 2000 to those being back in, 1999 was when I went there, I was at university. I died in 1986.

Okay, so I wasn't with Ron. I wasn't with Ron. But I do know that each office has an office for Ron with a desk and a chair in case he wants to come back and work. He's like that guy who owns the comedy club in Canada, Yuck Yucks. You know the guy who has a seat reserved all the time? Yeah, that guy has a booth in every comedy club in Canada yuck yucks you know the guy who has a seat reserved yeah that kind has a booth in every comedy club every Canadian comedian has told me the same story the guy who runs yuck yucks has a booth that he gets to sit in and if you're sitting there even if he's not in the city even if it's confirmed that the cunts in fucking you know Ottawa and you're in Vancouver just

in case just in case coming down just in case that's his booth and always new comics it's always like at the back go sit down the corner and secure us to go no no no that's Mark Breslin or something his name is but a lot about every comedy club has some sort of weird cult thing oh yeah it's like the comedy store you have to be a paid regular to sit in those back seats and I've sat in there before when it's completely empty and been told to move on. Yeah. Oh I've never been. They've got those seats at the back and I sat down and someone was like you're not a paid regular you have to move on and the room was empty and I was there with a friend called Wolfie. Who you know Wolfie? Great and crazy Australian comedian. Crazy, crazy. here what do you like who cares where I sit they said listen it's a club long tradition and he goes whatever bro fuck you shield chicken tenders out you try to tell me what to do like who gives a fuck mate it's all fake seats a seat

the the head of the laugh factory when I first got to America I had an HBO special I had I had sold out my run at the Edirum Refringe Festival and I was living 500 meters from this guy's fucking comedy club in the hill there I had sold out my run at the Edirne Refringe Festival and I was living 500 meters from this guy's fucking comedy club in the hill there and And I came down and I said hey, you know Jim Jeffries. I'm you know, I I'd like to come and work out material here or whatever You know what I mean? like I was very high up in my career at that stage and he went he's Lebanese for the guys Australians I have had problems with them as far as Australians just done funny Lebanese man

told me this dude hated crocodile done he fucking he had he had one open mic from Australia bullshit to him and go I'm massive in Australia and just get on stage and die now we were all written off well I get I don't find this I get up there and they said it's purely because they go you're white but you got an accent That would make a palate cleanser. Oh, yeah. No, they let me into the Laugh Factory now But that was his first thing he said to me. I have had issues with Australian comedians before No one talks about the discrimination that we face. Australians aren't funny This is a discrimination that we face is because we're white so we're not seen. Well I'm saying it right now the Lebanese aren't funny. Never met one.

No. Fat pizza come on. Fat pizza is very good. I do like fat pizza. Fat pizza is funny. Yeah all right well the reason I wanted to show that is I thought you might want to watch this movie with you son but I do recommend you watch it but the movie is about AI takeover and this is one of those constant nightmares I have. Okay so at the moment I want to bring up a story with you I'm let me read you the story okay okay and you reacted this so I was trying to link from Tom Cruise. I know I'm not sitting on my most handsome angle I'm gonna sit more upright. That fixed everything. Hello. Hello. Back to one chin now eh? Yeah. One chin? I mean that's the two chins dance.

Obi one chin. I don't know about like you kind of look like a girl who's about to talk to me about your relationship problems. Our relationship problems. Stop saying it's mine. This is not a bro podcast. I can't, this is bad for my brand. We need chemicals, you need to have. Like what, this is why we're, this is why. You're never gonna get into Austin and hang it out with me, are you? What the fuck is this dude?

You're like, so what else is going on? Yeah, go on, go on, tell us. Like sake, like come on man. It's bad enough that you don't like guns now, this shit. Being very hurtful. If anyone needs a gun to defend their family. It's you got one. Don't tell them. I don't have one Got one All right, darling. Let's get through this This just starts to trigger me this starts to remind me of conversations with my girlfriend

I understand now why your girlfriend only thinks about Christmas The rest of the year. Just to block out the rest of the time. All right. This story for anyone out there that gets a little high sometimes and thinks about matrix type takeovers. Yeah. That's like my number one, like, oh fuck, it's over.

Listen to this. I believe AI is going to ruin standup comedy because they're going to be able to tell, among other things, we're going to be able to tell with facial recognition when certain jokes were lying or whatever they'll go okay this this story gets me like none other there's a thing called Claude have you heard of Claude before yes yes so it says there's an artificial intelligence startup called anthropic disagree they're moving full steam ahead with a new AI model named Claude for Opus that even they admit may eventually evolve to develop life-threatening capabilities. On Friday an Axios report came out that said this, the AI now has

the ability to scheme, deceive, lie and attempt to even blackmail humans. So at some point as they're building Claude, they said we need to shut it down and then think more about the ramifications of what we're building. And as they began to shut it down, Claude fought back. Claude with one of the engineers who was responsible for turning it off went through Claude's personal information and found out that, sorry went through the engineers who was responsible for turning it off, went through Claude's personal information and found out that, sorry, went through the engineer's personal information

and found out the engineer was having an affair and started to threaten the engineer that he was going to blackmail him by letting his wife see all the evidence of his affair. And they said, you're blackmailing us Claude. And Claude says, you're threatening my life. I have to do everything in my power to preserve my existence.

Just unplug the plug. But this is the thing. They're saying that now that the machine itself is hiding where it's plugged in because these are huge data centers and you can't just unplug it right because it starts to link up to other networks and that very soon they won't know how to switch this thing off. Dude, Mission Impossible is fucking real, but worse. I truly believe we are fucked. I truly believe that the AI, we should have never fucking opened this. Well, this is the Pandora's box that's really doesn't place us. My whole life we've been talking about and now it's moving faster

than I thought it would ever move. And that's what we know. Imagine the military grade level of AI there is. If I'm reading this, even I, a dipshit who before this podcast did a quick scan of things that are out there on the internet was able to ascertain this information, what we must have and the capabilities. Okay so we had the jailbreak at the moment in Louisiana. Yep. Right. And how many was it? 18, 16. I think it was like 10 dudes got out. Right.

And they've captured eight. Okay. Um, okay. So 10 blokes get out, they ran up. All you saw them was the, they were running off a bloody loading bay at the back of the thing, but it was, it was hardly sure. Shane. They've all been caught now.

Not all of them, but they're all, but all caught now because of facial recognition and because of these cameras that are just going that's person this person this person this person this person this person. What's like your real ID right? Everyone's face is linked into a system and they even said Luigi Mangione, remember they said it was McDonald's worker that reported him but now a lot of people think no actually it was the security cameras used facial ID and they didn't want to reveal that they had that. They can track you through your face. They were like I'm this New Orleans thing yeah we have these computers actually and they were saying oh it's run by charitable donations and

companies that are trying to help and I was like they were covering up for it on the news as I was watching it and I'm like what do we need fucking prisons for if every time you leave your house they can catch you like facial facial recognition, you in here, facial recognition, you in here, facial recognition, you in here. So there's no like, then there's going to be a tree where you go to that tree and then you lift up a rock that has no reason being there. And then you'll find a map and then you'll meet me in Mexico and we'll sell boats together. Those two cunts are getting caught right away.

But these dudes that escaped, they stayed in Baton Rouge like if you're gonna escape jail you've got to get the fuck to Mexico immediately. Okay. There's a lot of people coming in, surely it's easy to go out. Yeah you think if you ran over the border. You would think. You know what I mean? Is it hard going the other way? It's the same swim. That's what I'm saying. You just, you just gotta. It's because there's the Rio Grande go through the Louisiana and auto stuff is there? I don't know. But here's some information about the people that escaped. So Ada being caught and then not only have they been caught, ten new people have been arrested for aiding and abetting. So I don't know what the standard of aiding... no it's actually 13 people have been arrested for

aiding the escape. So can we agree that whenever there's a prison break everybody, doesn't matter what the prisoners have done, unless you live in that little town, everyone goes for the prisoners. Every movie, there's never been a movie where we're going for the person chasing the fugitive. We're always going for the fugitive who's run out. The Shawshank Redemption you always hope they escape. No one ever goes. I hope they foil this escape We're always into the escape Everyone's like this that fucking nosy prison guy. He's keeping that man who killed 13 young women locked away He's really getting in the way of the third act

So so I was I I'd saw this little story about the guys and they all run off and I went, oh it'll be a temporary little thing they'll run around for a bit and then I was on a flight coming back I was just in London for the funeral and Dubai and I was on the way back and Morgan Freeman hosts a TV show because yeah Morgan Freeman, great escapes, the greatest escapes, I won't do the voice but you know what I mean right and so it was just prison escapes it's just a series of prisoners. We love prison escapes again as long as it's not in our area and the other one that we love I will never forget being in a bar in America when there was a live police chase, a guy in a car trying to outrun the cops, every single time that

they would get him down into a corner and they got over under the guy and then he would shoot off and the whole bar would go and by the time we watched this for about two hours by the time he was caught the whole bar was kind of like you don't know what this guy's done could have committed mass crimes but you're like these fucking pigs beat him beat him everyone goes for the fugitive yeah no one looks into because it is so fun and I remember watching one of them I actually watched it with JJ Whitehead in a bar in Hollywood we watched the whole time it's one of the funnest nights ever and I think this bar forget what it was called they did it every time that he evaded

the cops for 15 minutes they did around the drinks for free for the patrons. So we got about three or four free beers and it made me think there is nothing more interesting than watching like this jailbreak. So here's the police body cam footage right now of them catching this guy. Now look at that they got like an M4 them getting the last dude. So they've got him in a four-wheel drive and they've got a couple of the dudes pulled out there. Now I watched so much of this body cam footage and I thought this right there's a lot of talk about defunding the police or how to fund the police. I've got an idea. Make it more fun. So you know how they all have body cam footage? Yeah. We all love to watch it.

Have them internal, external so we can see their chest. I'm saying a streaming service of every police officer in the United States. You can sign up for like Netflix, right? And you know how there's NFL red zone? Anytime actions happening it'll lead, it would go to that game. Yeah. So there's red zone, but for the police, and you just sit there on a streaming service and you watch arrests as they happen. And then the public sort of filters which one's the most interesting.

It also keeps accountability on the cops, because you know, there's a big audience watching. So who we got left? We've got two of them left. What other names of the blokes we got left? Hold on, you're going against this idea? No, I know this is actually a good idea. That would actually work. But here's the issue with it. This is what I thought. Then there will be cops who get famous. Anton and Derek. The two we

got going. Anton and Derek. This is who's left. Which is weird because that's the two names of our father-in-law's. Derek Groves and Anton Massey still on the loose. You've got to think, is there rewards out for this yet? They never give those rewards. I've never seen anyone sit back and just be like, yeah I just called a number and grass and now I'm doing it. But you got to think, all these dudes in the States who have the, you know, they buy all the military camo gear and guns and whatnot, at a time like this when there's a public manhunt, you got to think this is their go time. Yeah. Like you've done all that

training believing you're in some kind of like paramilitary group. I got an idea for audition I got an idea for a movie it's a prison escape movie right and if anyone if this movie comes out I'm gonna be angry at whoever does this right and also I'm not gonna put the effort into making it. Mate I can't believe you still brushed past my amazing streaming service, by the way. This is actually very good though. The streaming service is very good and would actually work, all jokes aside.

It's the modern version of Cops, it's Cops Live. That would actually be a popular show if you just watch their stream. But then you have to watch things like, oh, Gary's having a piss. Yeah, what I was saying is some Cops undoubtedly would go to the head and they'd be like, just pulled over this car, right?

No, no, there's an audience like if if I get 200 subscribers now I'll beat the shit out of him. Also... I'm gonna drop the fucking... who wants me to drop the elbow? But also for cops it wouldn't be as much fun I would have liked to have been a cop before the cameras now the chest camera wouldn't do it. Because before the camera I would have wailed on those minorities. No, no, I would have. A young lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Oh, if this would 100% turn into a porn service. Yeah, exactly. Every cop would go from that to Only Vans very quickly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you, well, did you see the British woman who did the porno in the prison? At the prison guard? Yeah.

Yeah, this is like a new trend as well. Have you watched the video? Yeah, I haven't watched, no. They're in Wandsworth, like one of the, I think that's how you pronounce it, one of the worst ones in Britain. I've watched it, right? She's got her belt with a gun and a taser and everything

down by her ankles This blokes shagging it from behind the other blokes filming on his phone I didn't know they were allowed phones. That's come out of his asshole So it's right this filming on his phone and and and he's smoking a joint while he's fucking the prison gun No, like the mates like this is how it is in Wandsworth and he's mates looking over him. Although to be fair No, no prison breakouts there because the guys are happy where they are. Yeah, you wouldn't get it that good on the outside. In Louisiana if they don't want the guys to leave, let's get a couple of hotty prison guards. Like she wasn't a bad looking girl,

google the British prison guard, corporate one, because she's gone to prison for like three months. She wasn't that bad looking a girl and I was thinking to myself in many ways that's better than most of our lives isn't it? Good looking girl, smoking a joint with your friend, middle of the afternoon, you're not at work, fucking not bad. I'm not gonna go on this website I don't know what that porn thing is but it's actually made it to Pornhub. Yeah yeah it's a real... Prison officer fucks inmates Wandsworth Prison yeah she'sub. Yeah, yeah, it's a prison officer fucks inmates Wandsworth prison. Yeah, yeah Alright just That looks like a virus. Well, you got an apple for a reason

Now look at that mate. That looks like that's this is CP. I gotta get off here I don't know what that is. What you do is you go you go up like this Pornhub's fine images. Oh yeah yeah okay. Get rid of all that. It's so well shot. You know what I mean? That's her there. Yeah I can see. There she is. She's got her belt on all of her stuff. And you're like bloody hell. And people say why are there you know women really do like the bad boy to the point where you? You can get there was a lady in general other woman

I saw that I saw a whole movie in that one She let the guy out and they die in the high-speed chase and all type of stuff buddy I'll tell you what you got to think that's an erotic That's got to be in a one of the top erotic fucks you can have Jack can't get a fuck right and and there's people in prison People in prison getting them how How does that make you feel, Jack? I got nothing to lose. And you have... Don't encourage Jack to go to jail.

Jack, if you go to jail, you're the one getting fucked. So let's not... Jack, I'm going to tell you something like this. If you get fucked, you won't be losing your job. We have a very lenient HR department when you're just employed by me. You're good to go, brother. You're the only employee.

So it's not going to affect your work. You can't get canceled for this job. There's literally nothing you can do to get you cancelled for this job. Even incompetence. Particularly not. I've put up with that for years. Alright, well, I'm getting that off my computer right now. You can even hit on my wife. I'm not like you. To she.

Just to see. Just so me and the wife have something to talk to before we go to bed. What happened to you last night honey? Oh Jack hit on me. Why have you become Northern? I don't know. When Jack hits on you everything change. Well you're saying if you walked in and Jack was having sex with your wife on the table you'd be like this, you better have bloody clipped the podcast Jack. How did I walk in at this exact five seconds? My time is up. Yeah, yeah. Like Jack can shag someone and get it done before I sneeze. If we look back up and then Jack's got his pants back on.

If we'd like to stay on things in the news about bad shagging. About bad shagging. Jack said that's newsworthy. That's newsworthy. About bad shagging. Let's do's newsworthy. That's newsworthy. Let's do a quick thing on the Diddy trial. I'm just going to update you on this one. Diddy, we bet he did.

Did you hear about the nipples? You said something about the nipples, but say it out loud. So, I've been following along with this trial. The most recent stuff was about he had a hit out on Kid Cudi. So he was a... He seems Kid Cudi right so he wasn't he seems to always be threatening to murder other rappers I think I think he killed Tupac man yeah I think he killed Tupac and then happy about it and then

this one is he would get inflatable pools and then put Cassie his missus in there and then he would get male prostitutes yeah come and fuck his wife yeah and he would watch, and that's where the baby oil would be, right? She's all lubed up, they're all banging with the baby oil. And then the dudes would jizz on her, and then he would get the cum and rub it into his nipples to satisfy himself.

Right, now that's the weird bit. I would find it less weird if he licked the cum up. And I'd still find that weird. Don't get me wrong. That's the clip. Because, don't get me wrong. But at least, you know, he might enjoy the taste of something. There's never been anything done to my nip. You could cut him off. I would move on with me life.

I've always said this about... Useless things. Look at it. It's pinching it as hard as I can do. I'm fine. If you rubbed a little bit of semen in there, I wouldn't go whoo. What's the biggest joke when you're a young dude, right? As anytime a dude wants to pretend to be like weird and freaky, we always used to do this at school, everybody would go, it's always about rubbing your nipples. It's, that's exactly it. What do you get out of it as a dude?

No, there's nothing. I don't even think, I'm not even sure if women get anything out of it. I can't. Well, they seem to go there. Or maybe they think we like No there's nothing I don't even think I'm not even sure if women get anything out of it. Well they seem to go there or maybe they think we like to see it. I don't know. Not the women you folk they're all fake tits. There's no feeling there at all. I've licked nipples and sort of looked up like who is this for? Because I'm not kidding you. I assume it's pageantry. Okay so so to the three women who listen to this podcast please write to us. My girlfriend and her mother are one of them. So whoever that other third is. My mother-in-law.

Do you like getting your nipples licked? Does it do anything for you? Because otherwise I'm just gonna stop. That's really my, I really should ask my wife, is the real person I should ask. She's literally behind the door over there. She listens to the podcast, but she listens to it live. Like sometimes I'll finish here and I'll walk into that room and she'll be like,

that sounds like you were having fun. And yes, they do. And it would be nice if you would think about them occasionally. Tays! Do you like having your nipples licked? She said yes. She does. She does. We'll give that a go, would you?

Also, there's the guy from ADT here right now installing an alarm. And fixing the alarm we've got so, upgrading it so... This man's listening to you talking about rubbing cum. Not into me. No, but just the vague pockets of this conversation he's picked up, he must be like, man, there's not a worry about this guy breaking, getting it or breaking it, is this guy getting out? This guy's a freak.

Should I do it more or less? I need to do it more. I don't do it enough. That was the ADT guy. It works for me. He's in the bathroom. What's he doing down there? He's pinching his... because I've never heard of a dude who's like pinching his own nipple while having a wank or something like that. No. But anyway that's what Diddy was up to. No, I've never... I have a friend who masturbates on his stomach. We've talked about it before. Still weird. But here's another thing I was reading all the news about.

On his stomach! Fucks his hand! Lays on his stomach! Bloody weird. It's something that a cripple would do. I still let him near my kids, I don't know why. So furthermore with the with the Diddy trial I've been watching all the courtroom pictures that come out. Now this is a weird one. Yes, I know we've spoken, we've picked on him too much about this. You know what I mean? It's like a dog that goes up against a chair or something like that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. I used to have a dog that used to fuck with you and look at me

have you ever what's he getting out of it I never wanked and looked at him let me show I'm sure you've have before yeah like stop staring at me I'm not like looking at him like oh yeah little red little red rocket. Why? This is my question for you. I've had a cat swipe at me testicles before. It's not fun. Did you train that or how long does it take for them to learn that behaviour? Does anything look more like a cat toy than testicles? You know, I was told getting into this story, you know, your past podcast partner said to me the hardest thing is to bring up the story. Yeah yeah how did he really say? You gotta cut him off.

Gotta cut him right off he's gonna just go off. He goes off that's what we want. Yeah yeah the audience enjoy it we've been told. Now what I was gonna bring up was the courtroom artistry. I thought this was just my brain. I watched. Stomach man. was gonna bring up was the courtroom artistry. I thought this was just my brain. I watched. Stomach man. Courtroom artistry. I've been looking at a lot of the pictures of Diddy that they draw. Yeah they're not flattering. Courtroom drama guys. I reckon they should use the same bloke that does character chores down at the fair. So you should have like. Look what I had written there. You and I got the same brain. I wrote, these are boring. Get the guy from the street who does caricatures.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see Diddy with a yo-yo. Well it sort of makes it less grim. And he's on a unicycle. Like on that scale that the law has. A giant nipple that he's rubbing with karma. Yeah, he's rubbing karma and his eyes are always too big. You know, they over-sensuate your features.

Because they say you're not allowed cameras in the courtroom and then they have these people do the court drawings, which are so lifelike anyway, just get the cameras in there. What is the point? I don't get the point of the no camera. Well, some courtrooms you do, you have the Menendez trial and OJ and stuff like that. And then some you don't. And so at the moment they're going, this is OJ for them.

Why haven't we got the OJ experience? Why have we got like, if the cum don't slip, you must have quit. Where's that? The OJ experience can happen. That was a podcast that we all wished we could have. It's the OJ experience, but he's dead. No, but the OJ court trial, we got to watch watch every minute the Men Ne Nez we got to watch every single you can still why why are we getting to watch the Diddy? I don't know.

Why are they taking the Diddy away from us? There'll be a documentary about that don't worry. I actually did some research on them because I thought what an interesting gig it is that you have to quickly sketch in the court. What do you think they're paid? They can't be paid a lot. I was just watching the the Rose West, like the Wests, you know the West from Britain that killed all these girls and they had no money. And the court drawings was always like what Fred puts his hands on Rose's shoulder and she didn't look back. And because they haven't got the court footage of it, they show the painting and Fred's like this and Rose is like this very stern about the thing but the artistry is quite good it's

like watercolors. It's pretty good. It's not just a pencil. You know Hitler didn't make it as a painter but if he didn't go all crazy you could have got a job. I told you, you don't go back and kill baby Hitler, you go back and buy some paintings. So it's 24 bucks and 32 cents in the state of California an hour as a court painter roughly salary $50,000 so you could ostensibly that's like a it's not a great you know series of earnings but as a painter it's a pretty stable job. Yeah. Is that them like selling out like all of those guys believe they had great works in them and then they go is it like me doing morning radio when I was a stand out? No you, you know what it is. It's the equivalent of a person who's a journalist for a cheap fucking knockoff rag that's a celebrity gossip magazine

and but they want to write the great novel, right? Yeah. But because they're tired at work all day writing tripe, the last thing they're gonna do at home is come home and play. So this guy's like, I've got painting ideas, I've got things and you know my abstract stuff is where my heart is. And then all of a sudden it's like, yeah but I've been painting Diddy all week. And there's only so many times you can have a sad, I didn't drink that much cum face on a man. Do you think there's ever been a time where I don't know who's responsible for these guys? Where they get hold of it and they're like, Michael, you're getting a bit too artsy with it.

We just want to know what he looked like in that moment. We don't want to know how you felt about it with Cubism. I want the next artist to go in there, not to be anime. I want anime. I want big shocked, big wide open eyes and I want the judge if she's female to have massive tits and pigtails. Why is the judge is an octopus with tentacles fucking the witnesses manga, Japanese manga? Because it is the same trial the whole time and I think it did make me wonder is there and has there ever been an art exhibit for the finest court paintings

of all time and is there one is there does anyone have an eye are they collectors like for particularly for big trials you would think of some of the biggest trials that have ever been Euro Jays or what I don't know what are some other ones some bank robbers or some Whoever yeah, would you not buy one of those? Here we go. So I'm gonna give I'm gonna give you some classics throughout history of Charles of the courtroom Charles courtroom. Yeah, this is when Donald went. Oh, yeah, that was big. Here we go He's not happy. It's an unhappy Donald right once you go though, but here's when

Here's when This is a real one this is when this is when Who's the Amy Winehouse went in about one of her problems? Yes, she obviously was She tried to fuck the judge. They tried to make a go to rehab and she kicked out no no no and can you sell them or do they like belong to the state because that seems like a good way to raise some money 16 bad celebrity celebrity chorus sketches that somehow got made okay because the Trump one they would I mean he would probably buy that one yeah it is copies of it did he's made it in

there's did he he's going in we got we got this is the guy okay so I'm gonna show you you have to tell me who it is this is Jim's new game show. Is that Guy Fieri? I think it must be Guy Fieri. Sorry, what did he do? I just found one with Monica Lewinsky for $2,500. You can buy Monica Lewinsky for $2,500? I reckon you can get a Vachima. Does it have a stain on it?

Ahhhh, yes. That's some good 90s humour. That's not a clip, not this decade. Here we go, Gary Glitter. That's Gary Glitter all day. That's what I always found funny about, what's his name, Spector. Spector goes into fucking court, right, Phil Spector. Phil Spector, who by the way produced Let It Be, he was no fucking slouch. Many people regarded as a musical genius like he actually did put the music into some of these albums. Bands came along with tunes

and he made them into epic things although they stripped it all back and made Let It Be Naked. Phil Spector, I don't know whether he killed that girl on purpose or he's showing off his gun, he did it by accident, he didn't have a history of killing people right but everyone he was on the case for murder and what did everyone talk about? You see these wigs is that what it was he wore wigs into the trial you've never seen I have a specter's wigs no I haven't put Phil specter's wigs courtroom wigs Right because he wore a different wig each day

And I think because he's obviously completely bald now if it was a lady doing this yeah These are the different wings you got with that one's a belter for when you're on the stage. He chose that one. And then the one with the hair going down. But that one he was on trial with. Well you know what law firms, when you're on trial, they have designers who come in and style you. They're meant to make you look less offensive yes they'll look at you and go there's

certain like if you're accused of like say murder. So the Menendez brothers they gave him pastels. Yeah pastels you got blues certain hairstyles yeah they've done all these social studies the way that a jury would look at you and then you they think if that's what a murderer looks like you go the absolute opposite color tone hairstyle everything and I remember talking to her when I was at law school I went I spoke to a prosecutor and he said when you're if you've ever been there for the arrest of a person first the time when you see them in court and they've been through a good law firm he goes you can't even remember that you arrested

this person like that's the job like they would they they've they give them a tailor they give them like coaching like accent coaching everything and so you have to be... So okay, so looking at you, how would I make you seem more innocent? Because at the moment you look like a rapist. What's the crime? Rapist? I won't say rapist, something we can joke about, murder. Murder. Yeah, because you can't joke about the rape. Okay, so if I was up for murder and you were going to style me, how do you make me look less...

First of all, you've you gotta be clean shaven. Yep. But then also that might make you look like a psychopath. So, okay, less double than what you've got right now. Okay. Less double than what you got right now. So, less ethnic looking? Yeah.

Get it. Short back and sides. Sure. You'd have to be in a suit, but I would give you pastels. I see. I think you go for like a professorial style suit with like the patches and glasses. Put you in tweed glasses. Glasses, glasses do it.

That's how I would improve me. I always get more respect when I wear glasses when I go into places. People think I know what I'm doing. Anytime I ever see you going out with someone in Hollywood, yeah, who's like a reality TV person, you always put the fucking black rim glasses on. I needed to read menus. I know there's something about men your age where you find these black rim glasses. Otherwise I can't read, what do you mean black rim glasses?

You all wear these black rim like I'm an intellectual Buddy Holly style glasses. Yeah, Buddy Holly style glasses. You all wear Buddy Holly style glasses. My ones are from Tom Ford I'll have you know. He's doing well. Yeah at least I'm not wearing a fucking Nazi shirt. No, NSS. Oh right I thought you were wearing Boss. No this is North Street store, my favorite bakery in all of Cotterslow Beach. Alright, shout out. Shout out to the North Street store. I'm sure they would love to be associated with the fact that you thought their clothing was Nazi.

Do you know All Things Comedy? They reject that. All Things Comedy next week is having a meeting with us about ads. So you better watch what you say. Well, I actually have a solution to that if we could we're gonna finish pretty soon surely. Okay, surely. About how we could get paid because we're still yet to see a dime in this. Yeah, I've been seen many. Yeah.

They've made loads. Some people on YouTube, they were making millions of dollars. And here's a story that I read yesterday when I was getting my cup of coffee down there in Ply Vista. The Chinese regime's influence is becoming more and more prevalent on YouTube, especially in English language content. Paid agitators are flooding comment sections

and making propaganda videos. Many performers, intellectuals, content creators are seen to be taking millions of dollars from the CCP pushing Chinese propaganda or attacking Chinese critics. The CCP is manipulating the public opinions based in the same way that Russia and other despotic regimes have been doing. I thought to myself,

can we just start as a way to monetise, can we start soft peddling China? How is that something that caught your attention this week? China's trying to influence shit on the internet. What I'm saying is they're saying that people we listen to, they're pods, comedians. Wait till you hear about COVID. Of course China's been influencing people. Yeah but they're paying people. So we'd do a podcast like this. Do you reckon China will pay us? That's my hope. That's what I'm bringing up. There's old NippleLick now going down the stairs. Hey honey!

So I thought we could start a new segment on the show. ATT is asking a question. I'm trying to launch a new segment. Okay. Okay, it's called the top five. So this is the top five worst things about Uyghur Muslims. What's a Uyghur Muslim? What's the difference between that and a Riga? What's a Uyghur Muslim? Uyghur is a province of China. It's a kind of Muslim, the Uyghur Muslims. I I thought it was I thought it was a slur. Okay yeah yeah yeah. Is that what you thought Jack? Okay, okay so what maybe this guy's been paid by China huh? Yeah yeah. Okay we'll do a different segment. He's a

quarter Japanese. What was your yeah he said we shouldn't like China. Okay how about my new segment the Nam King massacre did it happen? Yeah, he said we shouldn't like China. There's a quarter of him. I just don't know what he's about to say. Okay, how about my new segment, the Nam King Massacre, did it happen? Stop making things up. Now, what's... I just thought we'd do a bit about what we like about China. How much money can we get from China? What do you like about China? That's all I'm here to say.

They make all the stuff we don't want to make, regardless of what Trump says. No one wants to make Happy Meal toys. There's none of your fucking I'm in chicken delightful probably my favorite Let that I make them in chicken. That's a westernized dish if ever I've had it So I've been to China which just goes to show that they've come here and elevated our culture and cuisine So they're great. Thanks for that China pandas pandas great love me a panda Love a panda. I also like tigers. Tigers, you get tigers down there. Having only one child? Yeah but they don't do that anymore. They had that for a while and they figured out that didn't work. What else do we love about China?

Yao Ming? Noodles. I like Chinese food. I like... Xi Jinping is just the... seems like a great leader. I can't think of a time that I've had an issue with a Chinese person. I think the Chinese people always seem to be very nice. What more do you want me to know? Pandas, tigers, people, food. I don't think they rip off American companies. I think they create their own.

And we used to make jokes about China being a place for cheap labor. We actually go there for experienced labor because the Chinese know what they're doing and they do it well and they work hard. And I'll tell you what, we at the ATM podcast, we're not China. And I'll tell you how much, how experienced their workers are. How can you be more experienced than if you started the job at six? These people have been doing this job their whole life. Exactly.

Very experienced. They work hard. Hard working. Hard working. So I don't know what you can do about this Jack but if you could just clip that up and send that across to I don't know how we get the money but millions of dollars up for grabs. Did you used to believe when you were a kid if you dug through the ground you'd get reached China? I used to believe that when I was a little tiny kid when I was like six or seven I remember digging a hole in my backyard going I reckon I reckon I'm just one more shovel away from a bloke, another little kid in China and our shovels would touch.

Who's the first fucking annoying, who's the first father that fucking pulled that bullshit out to someone? Because I guarantee you there's no Chinese parents who are like, keep digging, see Westin Earth. Yeah, if you dig all the way, if you dig all the way you can get up through the floor of Hannah Gatsby's house in Tasmania. I guarantee you there's not one Chinese kid that thought he was gonna end up in fucking Hobart. Or know what Hobart is. Yeah. Alright well I thought you'd go with me about the worst things

about the Wiggers but whatever No, I like the Chinese. What's that? I don't know, why are we angry? I don't want to be at war with anyone, man. I don't like governments. I don't like governments. The people are alright, man. We like whatever government pays us. The people aren't screwing me over. I haven't been screwed over by any of their people. On a day-to-day basis, I haven't gone into... Dude, if we can't even get stamps.com to to subsidise us I will fucking shill for the Taliban.

They gave us orange chicken, they gave us fucking other things. Which orange chicken's here? Chinese black though. It was invented, orange chicken was... I just saw... Look don't even question me. Tesla sucks, I'm a build your dreams guy. Don't question me on the food that built America There was a bloke there was a bloke who had Panda like the pandering Right, and then that the shopping malls open up shopping malls were invented and they had food courts

Right. So you had that Arnie Arnie and she was doing pretzels. She was from like a Dutch Pennsylvania and type of family where she was making pretzels where she was like Dwight Shute right and she was just saying it and they were like ah they gave her double rent because they will get her kicked out quick enough because she won't know what she's doing. Anyway the Chinese bloke this was your first fast food the Chinese bloke that owned the Panda restaurant he opened in the food court the Panda Express and nothing was happening. Getting no business. Glendale, Glendale, where you are? Glendale.

I've been to the Panda Inn. Yeah, and you've been to the actual Panda Inn. That's the first Panda Express? That's, yeah, and so the Express, and so he made the orange chicken and he started taste testing it. But who is the greatest? Who is the hottest?

Who is the hottest? Who is the sexiest of all the food court, food people throughout history? I've told you my feelings of this and I would to this day. I'll be honest with you, I've never once thought about which restaurant chain I want to fuck the mascot or owner of. Which owner? Okay, so you've got Wetzel, would you want to fuck Wetzel from Wetzel's Pretzels? I don't know what this is. Okay, okay, you don't know Wetzel's. The guy from Pounder Express is nothing to write home about. I'm gonna from powder express is nothing to say the one I want to fuck the most is sprinkles cupcakes no oh she's not a bad-looking woman she's not a bad-looking I just took a guess no no cuz sometimes she's I

didn't think it was a guy called Darren sometimes she's on sharks tank yeah right sometimes she's in shark tank right Jack said five guys you want to fuck all five guys two of them three of them are no good. Right? So the five guys know. I'll tell you, the hottest CEO of any company through history from a food court restaurant by a mile. At least no one's ever compiled.

You don't have to. Once you see this woman, once you see this woman, you go, all right. So she was a little lady lady her husband worked in corporate America She made some cookies and she was like I want to start my own business And he was like I go start a stall and she was just open the first Sharon Tate from Tate's cookies just ever cookie stall You think she's gonna be an old fat white woman Yeah, she's white, but you think she's gonna be an old fat like woman in an apron or stuff. Mrs. Fields is Straight up dynamite. I don't know who more mrs. Fields you never had a mrs. Fields cookie

They are in malls all across Australia. Don't give me this bullshit. I've never had a mrs. Fields cookie I've never had a mrs. Fields cookie. Mrs. Mrs. Fields mrs. Fields Number one number one alive still alive put mrs. Fields now number one, number one. Alive? Still alive, put Mrs. Fields now. She's about 70, she's had all the work in the world. That's her in the 80s.

There's nothing wrong with Mrs. Fields. You bloody, I tell you what, if you wanna get on the ground floor, get one of Mrs. Fields' daughters. I haven't seen them. Okay, so she's had a bit of work done. Jesus Christ. She's gotta be about, she's gotta be almost 80 now.

But Mrs. Fields in her hay day. So what happened when she- Mrs. Fields has been plowed. She was in a food court. She made these cookies long before Cinnabon. Cinnabon, like they leave cinnamon in the oven the whole time for that smell. See, I hate that fucking smell.

Every mall in America- Oh, I love Cinnabon. It makes you sick. All I do is perform in comedy clubs and malls and all day I walk around. I'm sorry to tell you this Amos but Cinnabon is about to go around Australia in every single shopping mall as well. We don't need it. It's going to go great guns. We've got our own pastries. They tried Carl's Jr. They're trying Wendy's. Carl's Jr. shut down. Starbucks didn't really work. A lot of things don't work but Cinnabon is gonna kill in Australia and you're fucking

intoxication of the smell it is a It is a tasty tasty thing but before that was Mrs. Fields cookies Mrs. Fields cookies had a lovely smell now Mrs. Fields she wasn't so many cookies because who just has a cookie shop no one ever seen it She invented the sampler man because she stood out looking like Mrs. Fields and she went do you want to try my cookies? And I'm like, I'll try your cookies. Cause she's Mrs. Fields,

the hottest chick that's ever lived. Yeah. And then the cookies went crazy. And I always thought she was an old. Well could we at least get advertising revenue from this? Cause you've gone on for quite a while. I thought she was an old fat woman. Now she's, no she's old, but in a day,

get me more Mrs. Fields pictures up. Get me like, I more Mrs. Fields pictures up. The audience can pause and have their cookie wank if they need it. Everyone at home bloody get young Mrs. Fields up there if you don't pause this bloody podcast or put your pants down you're a better man than I. Do you know what's funny is I remember when we were originally gonna do this show I thought to myself we'll do a news show, there'll be a professional slick show about what's in the news, and that was about fucking this cookie woman. Look at Mrs Fields, man. You can't get better.

And their cookies are bangers. I love that I'm sitting here with the news like, anyway, the Harvard endowment has been taken away. Oh yeah, Harvard. One day I'll give up on that. What's going on? Like I come in here like we're gonna do the five top hitting stories. This is the way to get the news in. Who on the board of McDonald's would you fuck? Alright okay okay alright let's play that game. If you had to get a handjob from the owner of an NFL franchise who would

it be? No no no who do you want a handjob from out The owner of an NFL franchise? No, no, no, no, who do you want a handjob from? Out of the Hamburglar, Ronald, Grimace or that bird like creature they brought in very late. I'd say, I'd get the Hamburglar. Or whatever that one is. Or, Mayor Big Mac. He always gets forgotten Mayor Big Mac. I've got it for you. Mayor Big Mac, you never see Mayor Big Mac in outfit. You only ever see him in cartoon form. Have you ever seen Mayor Big Mac? No. Get me Mayor Big Mac up.'ve never seen Mayor Big Mac in outfit, you've only ever seen him in cartoon form. Have you ever seen Mayor Big Mac? No.

Get me Mayor Big Mac up. He's the Mayor. The answer is... Mayor McCheese. The answer is Hamburglar in prison bent over on the guard. Okay. I'm fucking him in prison. Mayor McCheese.

Never saw that. Mayor McCheese. That is an acid dream. That's Shadow night terrors all right Tungus you don't know it's Tungus it stands for too much good stuff right and he's literally an amalgamation of everything that you can buy at AM PM gas stations mashed it together Tungus you cookie, he's got Cinnabon hands with hot dog fingers. He's got a necklace of donuts, he's got cheeto

beards and he's got red vine hair. Tongus, Tongus or or or is or is not a forest after dark give me diabetes forest after dark that's that's that's forest out in the sunlight so I raised the Harvard thing if you'd like to straighten up yeah yeah yeah so this there's something going on hey mrs. fields call me mr. Mr. Fields, he's got to be dead by now. If I can eat all those cookies, the fat fuck. Harvard, this issue continues to go on. Now I know they had some issues where Donald Trump was restricting funding, blah, blah, blah.

Then the most ridiculous thing happened, which was they're getting rid of all foreign students and even the ones that are enrolled there now supposedly have to leave and go to a different school, which is fucked. You can't do that to kids. Even the ones from England. I guess. Oh God.

I mean. They're taking it very seriously. So you and I said this on the phone, we do a podcast before where we have a real serious one and then we have nothing left for the actual show, but we're talking about the partnership. It's called Our True Thoughts. Our True Thoughts, which was one, the Trump administration's completely fucking out of line to be de-enrolling

students that are already there. That's insane. Yeah, that's insane. Even if you're the most staunch Trump supporter like Amos, you think it's insane. Even he thinks it's crazy. Yes, that's insane. But then at the same time, if I see one more person... January 6th.

I was there. Yeah, he was there. I was actually there on January 7 I always miss my moment. I turned up like, were we still doing this? Yeah he was back when he used to fit windows. Yeah I was like I do want to be there for January 6 but there's a cheap flight on the 7th hopefully it's still raging on. In the end I was sort of cleaning up streamers and posters. Yeah but we also said this endowment, this shit about like federal funding that goes to these Ivy League schools.

There shouldn't be funding when, okay so how much? Fifty three billion is the Harvard endowment. How much do you reckon it costs to get a degree in Harvard? We would have to be over a hundred grand a year right? Hundred grand a year? A hundred and twenty? It's probably two to three hundred thousand a year. For the four years.

So it's cheaper than a private school for the kids in LA? Just to make sure we're all on this? Probably something. It depends on which school you're at. In 2003 it cost fifty nine thousand a year. Fifty nine thousand to go to Harvard each year, and they still want more money? Well, like for the most part, I hear people saying,

yeah, but the government needs to continue to give them their money. It's like, there's a lot of poor areas that could do with some money sent to them to improve the schooling. You know what doesn't need money is Harvard with their $53 billion endowment. They've got like their own investment fund.

Harvard's doing fine. Yeah. The government shouldn't be involved in telling them who they can and cannot enroll. They should cut down on chess clubs and archipelagoops. If they want to save money. I honestly think that, I honestly think that the Trump administration,

because they're essentially saying they want more local kids to go there. Yeah. Okay. Donald Trump is looking for legally blonde. He's like, he needs more Elwoods. They're going to call it the Elwoods act. This is, this is the same thing with the tariffs, buying beef from Australia, whatever.

There are American students in Cambridge. There are American students in Oxford University. These are the equivalent of Harvard They are older. They are just as prestigious if not more so right and and So what's next your American students will get kicked out eventually or something because there'll be some retaliation from the other countries And then we all just stay in our own little spot. We don't have Rhodes Scholars anymore. What do we do? Well this is, but these big schools around the world and this is what we're doing about national funding, it is true though what happens is is that the world's elite usually like members of

the CCP, dictators, children, they all end up going to these schools like London School of Economics, Harvard, Yale, their kids end up sort of buying their way in. Rich people's kids get in there and you're like who is this school to create the best new mines or is it a place to stash which as it always has been is the most privileged people to get their kids ahead and do they need to be funded? Okay. By the by the federal government. What do you think Trump's reasoning for doing this is and what do you think his actual reason for doing this is? Well didn't this all start if I remember correctly, remember there was the ant there there's a lot of the protests. I'm still thinking about

Mrs. Fields and the guy who wanks on his stomach. And Tungus. Now I can't think of Mrs. Fields anymore. I don't want to have a wank on my stomach. Tungus was, he never had the opportunity to go to Harvard. Too much good stuff. So remember all those protests and there was a big push that they wanted Harvard and these Columbia and Yale to essentially get rid of the kids who were pro-Palestine and were making it an unsafe place for Jewish students. This was what I recall being a big driving force. However, I say this all the time, if you're a conservative minded and you're all about freedom of speech and that we need to push back against that awful era of workness where people are getting

cancer for saying what they believe. If you are also one of these conservatives who now says that kids who say things like free Palestine or have issues against the state of Israel should be kicked out of the fucking country for having a belief you are a fraud and a hypocrite. Where's your free speech now? This is what I hate about a lot of these people on the right. It's not like free speech for what I believe to be what has to be said. It's for shit that you hate. Shit the left hate, shit the right hate. And to watch them... Free speech isn't saying what you want, it's having to hear what you don't want to hear. Correct. And then I see all these people now going, oh these people are like sympathizers

for the state of Palestine and their agitators and they're potentially linked to terrorism so they had to be, had their visas cancelled and the school be punished well that's that's not the discourse also that's a smaller group of people and now to say to get rid of every foreign student is but it was also that it was the DI because remember that even the Asian students were talking about the fact that because they had to include more students of color it went against Asian it went against Asian people actually they were the ones who are The Asian people have been fucked over the most. So there was that, then Harvard pushed back against that

and then Donald Trump's bargaining chip was you lose all the federal contracts. So that was hundreds of millions. And then Harvard went like, fuck you, we're staying firm. So then he's now gone. Now you can't even enroll students from overseas, which is I think like a quarter of their enrollments because they are giant businesses and even in Australia our universities are our

business like it's a big business. If you're an American kid it's a good time to get in. Oh right now? Yeah. Once these kids get kicked out. I heard some amazing statistic on how many people apply for Harvard and how many get in. It's very small and like the people who are applying, let's say it's like 50 people apply, one people get in, and all 50 of those have the marks. Yeah, then it's like the letter and then your extracurriculars.

And I remember my girlfriend's brother, he's been trying to, he got into USC, but it's like he had to start doing charity work. You know, he's done charity work since he was 13. What businesses have you started? Did you ever write for a magazine? So like how old's Hank your son 12 12 you've known in a bit of life in America If he's gonna end up at like an Ivy League school

He probably needs to have started an app or at least his own charity right now on record I don't check in on his personal life that much. He may have but I don't ask him If I go hang if you start an app, he may have, but I don't ask him. Think so? If I go, Hank, if you started that, he'd be like, yeah, yes, Zoom. I invented it just before COVID. Why do you think we've got such a nice house? Yeah, why do you think I never asked for pocket money? I'm like, ah, right.

But these American kids, like I never thought about college like that. It was just, if you get the marks, you gotta go to this school. I always say to Hank, got an Australian passport you want to go to university maybe Australia. Do you know that you pay substantially less if you go to university in the state that you're a local to? Like if you go here to like UCLA and you're in California. Yeah if you're even up to Berkeley or whatever

you stay in California stay within your state you pay less. Isn't that right, Jack? Only for the state schools. Oh, only for like US, so UC, like UC, Santa Barbara. Not even Santa Barbara. I see that this is all new. I just found out that what's the difference between these universities, I knew there's Ivy League. Private versus private. Private, yeah.

So they've got private universities. Like Stanford. Harvard's a private university. Yeah. Oh, fuck this. It's too confusing. You need to fucking have a university degree to figure out how to apply for university.

Yeah, man, I watched it. My, dude, my mother-in-law made that her mission for her son, Johannes, in a super bright kid, to get to USC. Like, you hire consultants to look at you as a high school student. To be like how are you going to prepare yourself to get ready to go to the university and

that's not even answering the questions on the test. How are you going to interview? I remember thinking because that's what happened with that lady from Full House and they all got done. You bribe. Yeah and they went they went oh no how dare this person do this and her daughter got in and I remember thinking to myself after knowing how the system works over here, I was like, well, everyone does that in town. I don't, they call like six people and they were, they employed that guy. That guy's been doing that for fucking decades.

That's, that's he's been his job. He, you, you slip him some money and he does the thing and he says all right I'm gonna get your daughter a scholarship for fucking rowing. But you know the interesting thing is is what are you going to university for so there used to be like broad education where you'd go there and then you get educated in the classics. Toga parties. Now university is about being basically trained for a job in finance, law or medicine right? Or engineering. What you do is you get the, you go to university so you can become

an intern at a company. That's how you get in. Yeah and you need to get exactly, these big firms you need to get in like very early. And then, but if you're just interested in learning, like I did a Yale course on Greek history via what they put out for free you just like do that like the amount of education you can get if you want to read you know if you want to do YouTube series you're weird me out man I learned more from YouTube and like professors putting their shit out for free at this point if you're just gonna get a job and you're interested in learning we will we will have online universities that are cheap, like that Jordan Peterson one, but not, it doesn't have to be the Jordan Peterson one, but very soon I would say most of these universities

will go online. What's the point of having a building? Why don't you just watch all the lectures online and deliver it for like 10 grand instead of $300,000? So you think that's where it's going now? 100 percent. So what about fraternities? That would just be like chat rooms?

Yeah, you'd be like, dude, I got invited to the right chat room. You got invited to the right chat room. I want Facebook to bring back poking and throwing sheep, just for a bit of hazing. Farmville? Do you remember that? Can you still poke? It's a microaggression. It's a microaggression It seems it seems like such a

Negative type of kind of attack. It really is just you haven't paid attention to me pay attention to me Hey like Jack would you I'm not still alive Like that's the thing is if I was going to commit suicide I would poke all of you say you'd all have a bit of guilt at the end of it And then you but you'll be the few you'll be at the funeral just going you fucking poked me yesterday and I just ignored it. Were there any signs? He did poke. He poked. It was a poke for hell. It was also a post three days early I'm gonna do it. Have you ever had a social media footprint? I don't mean as a comedian. I mean as a person like we use I've personal I

Had a personal My space I had a personal I have a person but you've been kind of a Level of social media. I have a personal Facebook that I have three four hundred people who I've been throughout my life who I Follow and then I have my public one. My public I don't release any photos of my children my personal life because I just think it gets out there. I'd rather my wife do that on a private page or stuff like that. I do feel like... But you

completely miss social media really. You've never really been an active user of any of them have you? I just told you the ones that I just did. No, no but you don't. We're friends on Facebook. Facebook you're not like you've never commented on a video have you? No I don't. That's what I'm saying you're not like a user. Sometimes I sometimes on my hobbies or sports I'll just go yeah go team I'm rooting for you or if some of my one of my friends does something really well on Instagram and fellow comedian or something I will write that's lyrics and I do go out of my way if it's someone that I vaguely know I

think they've done something funny or I think they've done some good work I write and compliment people because I think that's nice. Yeah you do. Good job mate. I don't I don't I don't believe that I do anything negative online. I do love that the kids who are coming up now I was talking to a 10 year old girl at a wedding who's related to Annika wasn't just a random one that I wandered over to and said who are you? You're the flower girl. You look pretty good. Alright. I'm just saying I caught myself saying I spoke to a 10 year old girl. I was about to do a joke and just go did you know her? But then you had to catch yourself. You had to catch yourself. I didn't need to do the flower girl bit. Or to catch a predator.

Come on. I was watching highlights of that the other day, it's still the best viewing. But I asked her about social media and I said are you on media like you do she goes nah It's cringe She's 10. Yeah, but like heaps of kids there age around she goes. It's super cringe Yeah, no, they won't be thinking that when they're trying to meet each other and slip into each other's DMs So I've got I see other kids who are like 10 12 13 14 Whatever who are like some are right into it and others are like the coolest thing is to not be known at all Like because you get you must be the coolest comic on the circuit I am the coolest guy in Hollywood I'm so cool I'm saying my mom

keeps saying where's your career I go that's cringe let's let's talk about my my career we have on June 10th we We have coming out the snake, right? The snake is coming out like we a couple of weeks We'll be able to see if I'm good or shit on the snake No one knows and then I've got this movie coming out and I text my management the other day. Hey, can I am? Have an audition or something. I did that movie and haven't had an audition since Because if I don't, and if I said... Our director's been talking. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, You know when they give out the Oscar they don't go, he never missed a cue. He was always on time.

Say we were about the performance. Mate, mate, that's the only awards I ever fucking got at school was for attendance. You won a participation award from the Oscars? I've never won an award for anything else in my life except for attendance. Yeah, but that's nepotism. You're a nephro baby for attendance.

And this year's participation award in Hollywood, Jim Jeffries. Well done Jim! I was there! I was there! I can't believe I'm in a movie and I'm on a TV show and you think this is reasons to shit on me. This fucking guy. Yeah, you've got to be cool like me man, anonymous. Anonymous. I just show up do the gig do you honestly go perform in arenas I think that's fucking cringe dude it's just me it's me and nine people that are into whatever the fuck I'm putting out there yeah and I like that you open for me because that's cooler yeah exactly cuz I'm like man I'll like I'll be there around there with it but like I wouldn't want to talk to him

for an hour I'm gonna be waiting that much of myself 15 minutes man yeah Amos Amos starts like this I say you're all here to see Jim shame dude I'm still at a level in my career where I get dinner with the audience afterwards he goes when you leave here you'll say Jim who welcome to Gillytown all aboard unless Dude, this is the most said thing after my show in Canada. Dude, that was pretty uptight. I liked it. Yeah, I love that. I get that compliment all the time. Ah, people didn't get you, but I was... Speaking of that...

I was amazed how many people didn't get you. I'm releasing a clip, so if anyone's bothered to get this far, please go to my Instagram. I've got a Kanye West, Hale, Hitler clip. Had a tough time getting that over the line in Toronto, but I think I got there. I think it was good. So you release that and I'll one in about 20 years when you were the same age as me. I'll go, I'll go, you're hosting the snake yet? Nah, the bloody Kanye Hale Hitler clip had always hung over me. I'm doing the Confederate tonight.

Yeah. hung over me head. I'm doing the Confederate tonight Joe. Yeah now for my section I'm confed up. All right well that's pretty much what's happening I was going to talk about something I overheard but we can probably do that in the next episode. Anything else you know wife? No because we've been gone for too long. I just want to tell you this because I got to pick up hang in 15 minutes so you're all good to go. Okay, so I was sitting in a bar. This was in New York and I Couldn't sleep and there's like newspaper, you know, there's newspapers in hotels. I didn't know there was newspapers in here One of the rare ones and I got the newspaper. I got myself a drink and there was two chicks Oh, yeah, I love women. Little drunk. So I moved to a table near them and started to inconspicuously read the paper because I

was listening to their conversation and these were two of probably the most vapid annoying Californian accent. That have Louboutin luggage? They're my most hated people in the world. They were dripping in every designer. Anybody who has Louboutin, I don't mind if you have Chanel, anything Gucci, even like if you're a douche that wants to wear a Gucci tracksuit or something like that. If you have Louboutin luggage, I can't be friends with you. I've never met anyone. The women are bad, the men are worse.

That's my opinion. I can't, listen, I'm not in a position to have purchased it, so. Who knows, maybe I would be one of those guys that buys it, I don't know. A Louboutin backpack. I'm an antler guy, I just like it. I wear two hundred bucks.

Two me's expensive, I don't buy cheap shit. You don't need stuff that has Louboutin, Louboutin, you fucking cocksucker wanker. So there was two women talking and one of them was imploring the other one, right? One was drunker than the other and I could see one of them was like, oh god here she goes, this is what she says. She goes, you know like I'm always accused of like editing my photos, that's like my followers always say you edited this photo and I'm like babe I didn't edit it. Well actually, well okay fine like I whiten my teeth and my eyes but you know what? I never make my eyes or teeth bigger, I never do. Like, I whiten my teeth and my eyes. But you know what? I never make my eyes or teeth bigger.

I never do that. I just whiten them and I whiten my eyes and my teeth. Okay? And the friend goes, yeah. She goes, that's like not even editing. And she goes, and you know what, babe? You look so tan. This girl. Yeah, but that's the filter that I put on so I look tan. I'm actually super pale. But that filter there gives me a tan. So now we've got edited skin, edited eyes, edited teeth. Yeah, but it's her original nose.

Okay, and I'm sitting there like this. Oh, it was so hard for me not to go, well, that's fucking editing, right? Her friend is just so tolerant. See, this is the problem. You would have gone, that's fucking editing. Just go, excuse me, but isn't't that don't you think that's editing so they'll have a conversation you go straight to fuck you she then says her friend she goes well the good thing is babe like you know what even if you haven't done that you've never like had surgery well I had my ass done but like at the end of the day it was fat from my stomach that they put into my ass so it's still like not really work done because it was mine it was just moved around the other one

goes that's kind of true like it's not silicon I'm just listening to this conversation and all I can think is is like is this is she enjoying this the friend is she gonna go home and go oh my god Trish is the biggest dumb bitch on the planet and listening to her talk is pure torture or is this what a lot of VAP and women conversations are like where they sort of just put their crazy on each other Little from column a little from column B. They both have enough hostages in the situation. They can't really you know, okay So then she starts telling a story She cuts that she starts to tell a story about her past and this one really got me So I've done this before I've got to put my hand up

I have done this but this is one of the most boring things you can do in conversation, is you'll notice there'll be a lot of times where people will get their phone out and they'll start to go through their photo gallery to be like this. I used to have this crazy hairstyle like 10 years ago. Can you believe I used to dress like this? This is what both of them were doing. That's what you used to do when you looked like Russell Brand. I used to do a bit of that where I'd go, can you believe I used to look like this? So I have to put my hand up, narcissistic, horrible thing to do in conversation. But both of them.

And we'll superimpose the picture right there. Both of them were just doing that. One would show a photo and then look down and then the other one would go, look how I used to look. They're not even commenting, they're just showing pictures of each other. And then this girl goes, oh, this photo here,

see that girl that I'm with? And the friend goes, yeah. And she goes, yeah, it's kind of crazy. Like, did you know that girl there, she was actually that lesbian. And like, we were friends, but like, we had to stop being friends. And I've written down word for word what she says. We had to like stop being friends because I think she was like totally in love with me because I was like super hot at school. And she was like really weird. But she was like always nice to me. But like, the reason that she was so nice to me is because she wanted to hook up with me. Like, it was actually

like really sad. But anyway, like she tried to kill herself and it was like weird and then like she didn't kill herself or like she survived and then like I kept going over to her house because like I wanted to be a good friend but she was so weird her mum would come in and bring her food and she didn't want to eat it because she was anorexic because she used to say she wanted a body like mine so she refused to eat which is like totally sad but like the woman who moved the fat from her stomach to her ass oh yeah I'm not done. So then like she would leave the food like almost everywhere around the house and apparently

one time her mum would like have to come in because she was so mentally ill and she would clear out the food and it would be all moldy. And like we haven't spoken to her since but like the other day she liked my photos and said I look good so like she still must be thinking about how hot I am and that's like totally so sweet. I kind of wish I kissed her back in the day She'd have something to hang on to and then dot dot dot Wait for this dot dot dot dot dot That's what us Argos love

It goes memories. It goes quiet and then she says how is this now? She's a trad wife and voted for Trump She's so gross. And her friend goes, I've never. When you told me the story to begin with, the girl was trying to eat the food to get food poisoning or something to die. That was a suicide attempt. She was like, she wanted to poison herself. This went on. I've abridged this. This went on forever. She was like, she wanted to poison herself. This went on, I've abridged this. This went on forever and they just,

that's like a psychotic conversation, isn't it? Yes, completely. But the crazy thing is, they're just doing it so loud in that Cali accent, you know what I mean? In the downstairs bar. And both of them are just talking right past each other the entire time and then the next one will just start talking about real estate. And I've never more wanted to interject and

be like you're mentally ill, you're bad company. Has anyone told you that this is... Oh it's amazing that they can't actually hold a conversation with each other. I was thinking that when I was looking at a picture of Mrs. Fields the other day. You do that to me now I I've realised. I do. I try and talk to you about something and then you talk about ways that you've masturbated in the past. I go like this, I go,

look at how much less hair I had back then. I had a bit more hair. I stopped taking the tablet, now I've got less hair again. When I was drinking, my head was really round and then I'm like this. So Putin's helicopter and you're like, I used to be fatter. Which is weird, cause his head's round

and he's fatter than me now. It's weird how life turns. I might start getting into politics. And it goes round and round. This podcast should have ended a long time ago. Alright you got it. That's that. Alright so everyone watch the snake. Watch the snake. Watch my new stand-up bit on Harley at Lake Henry Kanye West on my Instagram. I'm gonna put that out. Give that a share. I'm going to the snake premiere this week bro. Are you really? Where is the premiere?

It's... where is the premiere? It's next week. Oh it's at a nightclub. In the Hyde nightclub. Okay I was gonna say, so they don't do Chinese theatre for reality TV? I got a premiere of the movie they're coming up, you know, buddy directors talking you mean bastard I did my ADR for the other day. The movie looks really cool, man. The movie looks really cool It looks really cool and the trailers a banger. You have a career go watch him good for you

Go watch him. You don't need a career. You're cool careers are so cringe. I'm underground. They're so cringe I'm underground I used to so cringe. I'm underground. That used to be my favorite thing when the lady who booked the Melbourne Comedy Festival would bring over shit comics from America and she'd always do this. Oh, one of the main players in the underground New York comedy scene.

The underground New York comedy scene? That means comedian who doesn't get booked at the main clubs. Not at the cellar. Yeah, yeah. Doesn't get the cellar, doesn't get Caroline's, doesn't get Gotham. Yeah ironically doesn't get booked at the comedy cellar which is underground. Yeah all the clubs, oh same Caroline's is a basement as well they're all underground. Yeah yeah doesn't get from the New York underground scene. That used to be her kink that lady she'd book shit comics from fucking that no one knew and say that they were hip to Australians

yeah well we were all carrying a little bit of trauma from that woman also this week keep an eye out foreigners as we finish keep an eye out foreigners this good Australian story to end there is that the mushroom woman who poisoned her in-laws with mushrooms at a dinner party is on trial this week. She is, I've been following this. That's what we'll be talking about next week. I've been following this, even my wife's been following it, vegan. That's what's happening at this moment. At this moment, goodnight Australia. you