I Don't Know About That - ATM: Episode 23 - Locked Out After the Oasis Concert

Episode Date: August 7, 2025

At this moment, Amos recounts his tale of being locked out of his friend's apartment after the Oasis concert while Jim brags about an abnormally large dump he took. High class stuff. Watch THE SNAKE on FOX Tuesdays at 9pm ET/8pm CT and available the next day on Hulu.   SOCIALS: Jim Jefferies Website: ⁠https://www.jimjefferies.com⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/jimjefferies⁠ FB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/JimJefferies⁠ Twitter: ⁠https://twitter.com/jimjefferies⁠ Amos Gill IG: @abitofamosgill FB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/AmosGillComedy/⁠ Theme Song: "Rein It In Cowboy" by the Doohickeys

Hello, everybody. Welcome to At This Moment with Jim Jeffries and Amos Gil. We had a great show today. We were discussing the best concert there's ever been. Yes. Was it? The best concert ever? Yeah, I think so.

We're also going to talk about Amos being locked out of his house and great shit that I've had this week. And the price of butter. It's all gone crazy. Yeah, we had two weeks come up with a new episode. We're just finding our feet again. All right, ladies and gentlemen, the podcast is started. It's good to be back.

Sorry, we're a day late on you. Sorry about that. We didn't mean to be a day late. But we were off in the UK, me and Amos. Amos is still there. They're up in Scotland going to do the Edinburgh Festival. But we went and saw. I'm pissed.

Can I tell you? I'm pissed at the moment. Oh, you're drunk? It's midnight now. I've had about six Guinness. Okay. You've got to remember that. The majority of our audience, who this is this podcast, is Americans.

So pissed as in drunk, not as in angry. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I've had a few pints. A few pints, a lovely pints out of this. And I was wandering home to do this. And I heard you were talking to Chris Jericho, so I had 30 minutes. And I resisted four separate German donut kebabs. I feel like the fittest man alive.

I love myself. I was in the UK for four nights to see. Oasis and I gained nine pounds. Nine pounds in four, yeah, nine pounds in four days. I fat fucked up. I fat fucked up. I was having German donor kebabs. I was going out for meals every night.

I was going for fancy. I took my niece to fancy like Michelin Star, Gordon Ramsey restaurant where they, they give you like 10 courses and everything that small. And then I had a cab when I got home. Like that's some real fat fuckery. And then also going to CO8. There was like Bratworth sausages and stuff like that. We should say, we both went to Oasis.

We went together and separately. We went twice. We went twice. We went once together, one separately. We have to get straight into this. Let's, on the count of 10, no, no, sorry, on the count of three, give a score out of 10. Okay. For the concert, ready?

One, two, three. Ten. Nine. 10. I, I've seen, I've seen, I've seen every big artist. that's been alive in my lifetime. I've seen them all. I haven't missed anything.

I've seen Oasis live 18 times. If you ask me straight after the show, I would have gone, oh, yeah, nine or whatever, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's the greatest show on earth. I haven't seen that much love and positivity in a room. All their fans now aren't a bunch of co-cats,

and I'm including myself in this, right? Maybe it's because it's the first time I've seen them sober. I can remember every bit of it. It's not like a blur of an evening. I can remember every song, everything how I feel. Those two men quite possibly the last time they will ever play Wembley together. They reckon this will be their last tour. We saw the last time they will ever play Wembley Stadium together.

Even from the start, catching the tube in, the vibes are immaculate. You get in there. Richard Ashcroft from the Verve. Singing, I mean, to me, Bitter Sweet Symphony is about as good as it gets. Oh. To have a whole stadium singing that. And when that is your... Lucky Man's a great song.

He's a great artist. He's a great song. But, like, after he finished on It's a Bit of Sweet Symphony, I was so emotional watching them come out as well. I caught myself many times tearing up. Didn't think that would be the experience for me. And, I mean, we don't want to bang on about it forever. But fuck out, that was one of the great nights.

And I just kept looking over to you because I know this is your favorite band as well. And you were in a bit of a stone trance. You, Jimmy Carr, watching Jimmy Carr sing all the words. That was fun. Everybody, look, I've been telling friends in America, I said go out and see them and don't just fucking know Shane Supernova and Wonderwall and all that type of stuff. Go get to the set list and just play those songs in your car on the way to work,

on the way back from work until you see the concert. Can I tell you something that would infuriate you? What? So I've got up to Edinburgh, right? And I'm hanging out with some... That does make me very angry. I'm hanging out with some hipster comics. and they're listening to me talking, going,

oh, it was brilliant, guys. I had such a brilliant time. Honestly, you're going to love it when they get here. And I get the Hipster Brigade come in. They're not even fucking good, man. You know, you like Oasis to you, man. Yeah, they're a bit fucking normy for me. I don't like Oasis.

You're one of those guys that likes Oasis. To be honest, they're very musically bland. And you just want to shove them in the fucking throat. You're wrong. Okay. When I started following Oasis, in the 90s, they were the coolest band. They were who the hipsters listened to.

The coolest people in the world listened to Oasis. It was all this type of stuff. Then when I lived in England, by the time after the third album, then we bring in standing on the shoulders of giants, their fourth album, and then it all started. Oh, yeah, it's a bit all the same. It's only this many chords and blah, and the sunshine and people doing the impersonations and all that type of stuff, right?

And I stuck with them. I've been proven fucking right, right? I'm right. They're the greatest band the world, and I've been proven fucking right. Well, there isn't anyone else I'm looking forward to. And in that moment, I don't think anyone is going to have a concert with that many bangers back-to-back. Every song's a hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit. And when you leave the concerts, there's songs, the only time I've experienced hit, hit, hit, hit, hit.

And I wish this artist would have played this song as well. Paul McCarton is the only other bloke, right? Because the back catalog is so big. Elton John to a certain degree as well, right? Well, I want to tell you a quick thing about what happened afterwards. we went as a group. We tried to find a restaurant, which we could not do. Yes.

London 11 p. on onwards, fuck all. Yeah, a lot of cabb houses. Like a babes, but like if you go out for a meal. So we went out in the China town. You could get something pretty basic, yeah. We went our separate ways as a group. You went back to the hotel. I'm staying at a mates flat.

Oh, yes. I know what happened here. Yes. And it's, the flat is in a really nice area. and there's two blokes that own the flat. Well, they rent the flat, right? And they both live in Edinburgh, but they share the flat

for whenever they come to do business in London. I'm friends with one of them, not so much the other. And they were nice enough to let you stay, what lovely fellas. I spent a week in their flat. Shout out to my two mates there. Now, Ollie, I'm very close with.

Darius, the other guy, I like, but I did all my communication with Ollie. Thanks, Ollie. Appreciate you having me. Yeah, yeah. So I got a little pissed. again, drunk at the Oasis concert. I've been dancing around. I think

when we did the cigarettes and alcohol, Posnan, when you jump up and down, my key came out of my pocket. I had loose keys. Because, you know, I'm used to having a fob or a hotel card. Yeah, yeah. Having someone else's keys when you don't have your car keys, that's a wild

man's game. Slip out at any point. You know what? You know what? Sienna Miller was standing in front of her. She might have that key. So if you want to hit her up on social media, you're not now. Now I remember I was drunk and I was like, here's my key, love. Yeah, I'm in Fitzrovia. I love Dauphi.

I've got a bigger cock than June law. Yeah, well, that's open for argument. Yeah, so I had obviously lost the key, and I was saying to you, oh, I don't know how I'm going to get in here. It's a second floor flat. So I get home, realize I have entry to the building. Oh, yes. I do not have a key to the flat.

So you get into the foyer, You can't get into the room, right? So that might be where you're sleeping, yeah? So, yeah, so I'm lingering outside. Here's the knowledge you need. I've got a flight at 7 a.m. So I need to get in that night. I can't handle this in the morning.

I've got to get all my stuff out of there. And I don't want to break in. I can't climb the windows. It's two floors up. I'm not going to die for that. So first things first, I ordered a German donna kebab. Yes. No, no, priority.

I don't want to make decisions on an empty stomach. Now, for the people at home listening, we've got don't know what you're meat that's the meat that you're slide over there. I always thought it was Lebanese or Turks. It turns out the Germans invented it. Over the years in the years... The German Turks. Yeah, over the years in England, the kebab has been synonymous with alcoholism

and the shitty meal you have at the end. And in Australia, we always had donut kebabs as things you could have at lunch, right? You'd have a donut kebabs. It was actually the healthier out of all the fast foods because it was this kebab meat, salad, in a wrap, pressed, eat it, off you go. And then a company came in called German donut kebab

who went, hey, we'll just make. make them nice, and you can have them at lunch, and you ordered one of those. So we're up to speed. Yeah, so I had 3% phone battery as well. Oh, yeah. And so I made sure I got my food, and then I searched for locksmith because I knew I needed to get an emergency locksmith. Yes, yes.

Now, when you're talking 3am, locksmith, yes. Affordability doesn't come to mind. On a Sunday. On a Sunday in London. I didn't even do market research. I literally went, London, locksmith. emergency, hit the first link, I call a bloke, and this is the voice I get. Hello, my friend.

Yes, yeah, okay, now, my blood's already in the boiling thing. There's so, there's so many things in my house that are fucking being fucked up by someone who has said, my friend. If someone says my friend to you, they're about to fucking fuck you in the ass without any lube. That's the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My friend, my friend, this is the best I can do for you.

I won't say where they're from, but anyone who says they're your friend. isn't your fucking friend. He was from, I think he, I'll get to this in a second, my sword of neck of the woods of my ancestry. So he pulls this one out. My friend, it will very much depend on the locks. I think if it's a basic lock, look, it's going to be an 85 pound callout fee

and 80 pounds to pick the lock, which shouldn't be a problem. I said, oh, mate, that's great, 160 pounds. I'm not happy about 160. I'll be real with you, but I need to get in here. But first of all, First of all, what is a basic lock versus a basic lock is just one of those ones with a bar that you push across and you put the latcher?

A basic lock's the one that you have on your bathroom door, is it? That would be your basic lock. I was a step up from that basic. This is your standard key in. Yeah, I know that. Well, that's an extremely difficult lock. The key one. Oh, someone's having a good career.

The key lock. So I go to 160 pounds. Other British friends of mine said, you're going to get bent over, mate. And I said, mate, 160 pounds, this bloke is. I think I've just found the deal of the century here. He turns up in a brand new range rover. Yeah. Oh, no, I think, do I know.

Unless he's stealing cocaine on the side. Yeah. I've got a feeling there's quite a few expensive locks out there that he hasn't managed to pick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Non-basic locks. Non-basic locks. Oh, this is a key turn. You didn't tell him it would be a key turn.

Oh, my goodness. He gets out of this car. He looks like he's come from the gym. He's a good look in Eastern European rooster. As soon as I see how slick he is with his tool kit, I go, I'm going to get fucking slammed here. He goes, do we have access to the building? I said, yes, we do. He goes, oh, that's lucky because it would be thousands if I had to change the building for everyone with need permission.

So you're off to a good start. We walk up the stairs. This is the lock immediately who looks at it one millisecond. He goes, this is an extremely complicated lock. This is tough. This, this, I cannot pick this. I haven't seen a lock like this for some time. What do you have stored in here?

Your friends are very secure. This is very tough. This is a bank vault. I saw the key. I saw the key you're trying to get. This is like for anyone to pay. This is a very basic lock. Yes, very basic lock.

This is a standard of fucking front door as you get. I said, well, you're at locksmith. I go, don't you have one of those like dentists looking tools? that you'll slide in there and jimmy it around and you'll click the lock open he goes no I'm going to have to just drill it

well you're not a fucking locksmith you're just a vandal I see cunts on movies doing it with hair pins hair pins others like a fork this guy just goes I have to drill it

now as far as I'm concerned I thought the locksmith's job is to break into your house to keep the lock around I've seen it happen in spy movies he goes I'm afraid we can't do this my friend I'm going to have to drill

now that will be 280 extra pounds for the drilling fee for the drill bit damage because of the very strong lock that we have to drill into right here oh so wait a minute a drill bit doesn't cost 280 pounds

like just for all of our American views remember we're talking in pounds like I know you think you have the strongest currency in the world you don't pounds pounds are very expensive 280 pounds whether that 350 350

yeah 350 so as soon as that happens my stomach drops and I start to remember the Range Rover, I start to remember everyone telling me that emergency locksmiths are absolute shysters and you're about to be destroyed. And I'm like, oh, that's why this cunt works out in the gym.

You can't be a meek person that's like, oh, it's just $250,000, like that. No, no, no, no, no. Could this guy physically dominate you? Oh, absolutely dominate me. Right, okay, good. And look, I'll put it this way. I don't want to stereotype him too much.

but there's every chance Liam Neeson's looking for his daughter in the back of this man's car if I make it completely honest which is strange because he has skills that you don't have

he will find you yeah this man had a unique I have a very particular amount of skills but not with this lock this lock is stupid I have a very unique set of skills and that is shoving a drill

into a door until it splinters off the hinges. So, by the way, the neighbours have come out at this point, furious. I'm a guest. So it's like,

it's Sunday 3.30. I'm just fucking shards of metal are going everywhere. This is why you gave Oasis a 9.5. You can't blame them for the last five. That's on you. Well, they didn't need to make, they didn't make everyone jump up and down.

I mean, you lose a key that way. And that's going on in the background. Well, I'm still trying to have a good night. I'm still under my breath. You've got to run with it. You've got to take your time. The lock picks out and he goes, now we have to get a new lock. And I go, oh, well, sorry, how much is that going to be?

He goes, there are three options on the lock. I go, cheapest. Quickest answer I've ever. I go, just give me the cheapest lock. He goes, see, the cheapest lock is, exactly the same as the lock you had before. And this is a very bad, low-quality lock. He said, he was like a vault.

The last time it was like a vault. It was so difficult. You couldn't get into the house. And now he's like, it's amazing. You could blow on this lock and the door will just open up. If you frown at this lock, it will get scared and open to burglars. If you're sure. Are you sure?

Do you hate your friends? I can do it then. I can give you a cheap lock, but it is going to be two twist ties. you do them you live and then you come in and you undo them I can give you a stick and glue if that's what it means to you yeah you use that stuff that puts posters on wall

he goes he goes to me what do you want to do and at this moment you can't argue again your door's got no lock it's not your apartment you had to ask that question before he took it out I've been here with this with the lock

you have to ask the question before they have a hole in the door because I had one I had one of those like digital do do do do locks put on my house and then the guy was like yeah the parts like 350 and then I'm like I went okay great and then I went it seems a bit high I looked online and I went it's 120 bucks and he goes there's already a hole in your door what do you want me to do he's fucking they've got here they got yeah so so they're doing you up the ass why you just have to go thank you all right and you can't give them a bad review because they have they know how to get into your house this is this is the most vulnerable

position in the world, mate. They have a... This is like when the dentist is coming over you with laughing gas about to put you to sleep, you've got to be polite to this man. Yeah, yeah. You're completely vulnerable. Yeah, yeah.

And easily, and by the way, these guys are definitely selling your keys to the mob. If you've got a nice gaff. If I ever leave L.A., I have two locksmiths that I'm giving one-star reviews to, but I'm not doing until I'm far, far away. If I move back to Australia,

I wanted to put a digital fucking, like a ring cam type of thing in my fence, but there was like one that was hardwired into the wall, lots of stuff, right? And I built the first fence and the guy goes, the guy goes, this particular locksmith company, which I will, I will do a review of in a few years, right? They go, he came out and he said, oh, yeah, the parts, 3,500 will cost 5,000 to put into it. I went, 5,000. and then another company, $800,000 all installed, right?

Just trying his luck, $5,000. And I can't go online and go, this cunt fucking said $5,000 because he'll know it's me and he knows how to pick locks. So I just play friendly. But when I move, I'm coming after you, cunt. I'm coming after you. Well, that's the other thing, though,

is like when you, you've got to talk you flat down. You can't have him looking around at nice things. that you've got to be like yeah it's a dump in here in it mate oh yeah i don't even know why i needed a key don't even shouldn't even put a lock on it i don't keep anything about it so anyway so he's gone you like you've got this too basic very very basic lock now i message my friend ollie who's a co uh red dependent oh i said i said mate i need this he goes you're a fucking clown why didn't you keep another spare out so i said these things happen he goes yeah yeah just get every just get the basic log so the guy comes up he puts it in and then he says to me

and this is where I knew I wanted to strangle him. He pulls out, not a calculator on his iPhone, just an actual prop calculator that he's got, and he starts doing the maths. 85 callout, 180 for the inspection of the picking of the lock, which we couldn't do, 280 on the drill bit.

Which we couldn't do. Then he gives, these are my two favorite lines. And also on the drill bit, the drill bit's ruined. It's his whole job is to drill things. Then it's the basic lock with three keys. I gave you three. Normally it's just two, but I gave three.

It was 200. He goes, plus VAT tax. And he goes, and you think I'm a bad guy? Take it up with the parliament. That's not my business. That's parliament business. You know, that's for the government. So we put this all together.

And he shows me a number 850 pounds. All right. So we're talking. We started at 160. We're talking 1,100 American dollars ballpark. And for me, a tight-assie. who's been staying in a friend's gaff for free. Yeah.

By the way, listen to how I say gaff. I've been in the UK for a week. Yeah, yeah. My fucking gaff. Yeah. I am so mad at this point. And I hear the accent and I have a go. I go, right, here we go.

We go, brother, friend. What are you? What's that accent you got there? I am Macedonian and Albanian. I go, yeah, I'm Croatian. I'm Balkan as well. I've recently got my Croatian passport. He goes, oh, that's better good.

What do you speak the language? I said, not really. I said, but my question to you is, mate, how would your baba, which means grandma, how would your baba feel about that price to a young Balkan boy, just like you? And he goes, let me have a think about it. And he goes downstairs, comes up with the final paperwork, and gives it to me for 550 pounds. That was my Balkan price.

We're talking a 250-something-something pound discount for the fellow Balkan brother. And even still, I feel ripped off. Even still. I would have gotten this. So I'm Australian. How would have your Wog grandmother? What would she think? What would she think?

But realistically, the grandmother would be thinking, I'm a fucking entrepreneur. You're an entrepreneur in Britain. Rip them off senseless. which is how you've got a range rover. And I thought to myself, he was there 15 minutes. You've had a very difficult lock, very difficult. A very difficult lot. 15 minutes, he got 550 pounds off me.

Other people obviously would get the 800. Housewives, women are not fighting this man. Women aren't going back and forth. No. That job, fuck going to college. If you're just available at the nighttime. Yeah, but also he's saying to you, I had to wake up for this. I had to get that.

I wasn't pajamas. It was just one hour. I was just when, no, he does the night shift. He sleeps during the day. He goes and picks three locks a night, right? Four hour shift. He fucking goes to bed, sleeping with 2,000 pounds a night, he's making. 2,000 quid a night, I reckon.

Yeah, easy. It's like, you know how we said we're talking in America? 10,000 pounds a week. I saw this in America where they said, if you want to make money right now, because America doesn't do what Australia does with the tradesmen, which is like everyone's pushed into college or they want to work in you know tech or whatever but if you're a handyman you're absolutely crushing it HVAC was the one in America

if you can put in air condition as you're making fortune but if you're in New York or a major city to be a locksmith is I think that's the like why aren't more people doing that do you know any locksmiths who goes into this profession is it a guarded profession I've met them but I've never befriended them. You need a locksmith. I need to befriend her. Like, you know how like some families are like this? My cousin's becoming a doctor.

It's good to have a doctor in the family. You need a locksmith in the family. One of those Australian locksmiths that also cobbles shoes. Okay, so one time, this is what's happening at this moment. One time when I was in the UK, right now I used to sell, we've mentioned this before, car stereos for Stratfield car radios across Australia, right? So I used to sell car stereos.

The antenna plug, there's a male and a female plug. Everyone knows what I mean by that. Sticky Audi or any, right? There's a male and a female plug. Most cars in the world have, I believe, the female plug where the antenna goes in male. I might be wrong. It's been a long time.

But the BMW needed a different part, right? It just needed a little connecting part, which was a cable this big, two inches big. And it was just a converter, male to female converter. So you could put in... You need a transition cable to go from a metal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a, it was a stereo sword. So a European BMWs had a European conversion plug.

This plug in Australia in the 1990s was a $5 Australian part that you had to put in. literally little cable adapter like you get it fucking radio shack or anything right and uh the guy i go to get a stereo put in me car in in in in Manchester and the guys like he's like uh yeah yeah they're still finishing the job now uh there's still terrier he goes yeah he goes uh 250 quid for the stereo he goes but you need a converter plug there 80 quid so like this and i went what what part and he goes um a, and this is before you could just get on your phone and just look at things like that.

I just went, I went, a K-11. I said the part number. And he's fucking, he's fucking face like this. I go, that's a $5 Australian part. So I would put that as a two-pound British part. I'm happy to pay five quid, mate. I'm happy to pay five quid for it. And even then I'm being ripped off.

did they and the guys like get the fuck out of my store and i had to leave with me stereo just hanging out i didn't know this just wires in my old stereo and he's fucking yelling at me in the fucking driveway yeah because you're a danger mate no and you've cut out you've cut out you've cut out you've cut out afterward danger sorry folks the i mean the internet in edinburgh is world's worst by the way the buildings here must just the signal i can't even make a phone call that's my friend i can make it i can give you a new hub i can make it bigger i can make it better but it's going to be very expensive. Let me tell you when you're in a relationship,

and I know my girlfriend will listen to this and I'll pay the price for it, but living in a city with bad reception gets you out of some boring phone calls, my friend. Everyone wants to live in a place with great signal. I love a place with bad signal. Bloody, fuck, it's not even coming through. Oh, no, I used to do that.

With my mother to end phone calls, I used to, I used to, oh, it's, it's, oh, it's, It's conch, and then, or I used to start phone calls and conversations with my mom. I got 4% battery. And then I would just hang up mid-sentence. Because it gives you a time with it. It gives you a time of it. And now that my mother's dead and I can't speak to her anymore, I think back on that

and I think I should have done that more often. Fuck, she was hard to talk to. I would have, he would have gotten on better with less words. Words with a problem. My mother's been dead for five years. years and me and my brothers haven't had one argument she was a fucking she was a menace from the phone she was the things that she could do from a phone call was uh because i remember kate hank's mother i remember when she first met my mother she went i don't know why everyone's scared at this

lady who can't move out of that chair and i remember just thinking she's right you know there's a there's a lady who can't he's in mobile who just sits there like a blob and runs the whole fucking world anyway it's like those stonefishes you know what i mean there's a sharp that can eat you in the ocean, but the stonefish lays there all day with a barb and you step on it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. People are dangerous in many different ways. And then goes, I can't believe he stepped on me.

Trott, always pushing it on. I was doing nothing. I am, this has been a tough podcast for me because, you know, when you've had the pints, I didn't eat the cabab, but I went to a place called Moss Kitchen Today. And I had one of the, I do love like an all-you-can-eat curry. Oh, yeah. But I haven't eaten curry since I moved to the States.

My guts are crook. I've told you this over the years. When you're successful, right, all restaurants are all you can eat. You don't want to go. I'm telling you, you don't want to go for the all you can eat curry. Go for the place that makes the good curry. And if you're still hungry, buy a second serving. And do better.

Yeah, yeah, because you'll buy a serving. It will be, let's say, 11 quid for your serving of the good curry, right? Or the all you can eat is 18 quid, right? and you're like, but it's all you can eat. But it's fucking shit, man. Buy $11 curry, and then if you're still hungry, buy another $11 curry and 11 pound curry and then go from there. Yeah, curry's a weird one.

I don't know what it is. I think it's the butter or the speaking of you. For me, it's the garlic gnawn. I've had some travels. Speaking of which, I found out this week that butter prices have gone up by 50%. Butter has gone through the roof in the world. There has been, because 50% of all butter comes from New Zealand. Zealand. You didn't know that, did you? I didn't. I would have felt

Ireland, you know, Kerry Goldland. Yeah, I know. Or the Danish. And it's, and it's all fucking grass-fed, and it's the best butter in the world. And it's because why, obviously they're tariffing the New Zealanders, those cunts, after all the things they take from society. You know, they need to

pay us back. But yeah, butter has gone through the roof. It's got, it's gone higher than fuel or anything. Out of all the things that we eat and consume at the moment, the thing that's going through the roof the most is butter. Now, that does hurt me. actually. But this is it'll prove to you that fat cunts will eat anything because when I was living

in Britain, they brought in fat tax. Do you know what fat tax is? Fat tax was... You paid money on, you paid a tax on what? If you buy a snickers, if you buy snickers, they bump that up 15% when I was living in Britain and they called it fat tax. They didn't fuck around with it. They called it fat tax, right?

And fat tax was meant to stop the fatties from buying too many chocolate bars because we're going to raise it up like that. yeah yeah it's like what it did it just broke it just made them broker yeah imagine if they bought in cocaine tax do you think the cocaine use is down right of course this oh hey listen we're Australians who like cocaine we've paid a tariff on cocaine oh yeah yeah yeah there's so many cokeheads in australia it's 350 grand 350 dollars a gram you know what I mean it's like you think do think oh it's going to buy myself a snickers but you know I went up from 69 p to 82 p.

Can't do it at this price. Now get the fuck out of here. We're still going to eat butter. We're still going to eat shit. They can tax us on the fun things all they bloody want and we'll just take it up the ass. But you know what? Is that what the New Zealanders have to offer, is it?

You know what? You know, it turns out it's a huge part of the New Zealand economy is their butter produce. They're the best butter in the world. I imagine the lamb is pretty good as well. Oh, the lamb's good. The wool would be good. But also every Kiwi, every Kiwi comedian has done that.

about we fuck sheep but you know i've i've seen i've seen great think about that one the grave is going down your chin i have seen great new zealand comics do that i've seen hack new zealand comics do it and everything in between i've seen the best of the best it and they go yeah we do fuck it but then we sell it to you and you eat it bro every one of them sorry every one of them i'm just gonna have to pass this through oh oh yes that's entertainment who said that show business is dead kid why why would you listen to professional radio DJs when you can when you can have Gillian Jeffries in the morning fart cam who needs a soundboard when you've got fucking pints swilling around with a moss kitchen all you can eat curry

I'm having an absolute holy war in here I listened to Mark Marin talking shit about podcast the other day on bad friends and he was just talking about podcasting his two white talking about shits they've recently had. And I thought, it's more than that. And then here we are. All right, I'll tell you what, I did a shit that was so big the other day. I took a photo of it because it was a singular turd. Would you like to see it?

You do normally send me them. And I can't say no. I don't know. Okay, what I'll do is I'll text it to you, so it's not in the air. This is one single piece. And remember, it's from a toto, so the water level's really high. This isn't a low level water. Do women do this?

I, well, they do do the shits, but do they do. they sell them to send them to their friends i think look are they like look at this tampon this is particularly irony this for a for a one pieceer for a one pieceer this is one piece that this is one of the elites i remember when this used to be a news show all right i'll get jack's live reaction for a one piece uh and i've got a high water level that's a oh that's a monster that's a monster yeah well done Okay, I flashed on the screen But that's something else

That being said, me and you talking about your shit I have a new special coming out And the snake and watch the movie him Yeah, speaking of a snake Yeah Yeah, now but this is still This is actually better content than when I was Talking about how the Trump administration might go well

I think this is a safer ground for me at the moment Can I cut out the bit where I flashed on the screen Because people make it I flashed it very quickly No, because people make a still photo of it. I'm a game show host. You never saw Bob Barker go, but we've got to check this turd out.

This is a hell of a turd. We should talk about a couple of news things. I'm going to bring you a couple of stories, and then you've got to go and promote. But, but have you had one bigger than that late? In one piece, in one piece. In one piece? No, dude, what do you mean?

I haven't had one in one piece since I moved to the United States. That would be one of my biggest one piece ever. Okay, here's a new story. This is sent to me by my girlfriend, who's decided she wants to produce our show. She says, you've got to up the stories. So this is my first one. I'd have your girlfriend produced a show all day.

We've got to start bringing characters back and doing Jonti and whatever. I was thinking about our South Africans who sell Bill Tong. We've got to have them as refugees and they've now come to America and they're starting a new business. Thank you, Mr. Trump. Yeah, I'd like to say Mr. Trump for everything that he has done. We've been moved into a very white neighborhood. We're very happy here. Anyway, carry on.

I was very scared to see there are blacks here also. It's a very scary place. I thought we were getting away from that. moved us to a place called Philadelphia, and I thought the Philadelphian blacks had been moved to Beverly Hills. I was tricked by that television show, the Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince, Fresh Prince. There was plenty of them in my house, but the police did nothing. Not one. Now, let's talk about this story, Jonti. Danish, I'm going to have an edit point for us. Okay, Fresh Prince. A Danish zoo is asking for your unwanted pets to feed to its predators.

Yes, okay, all right. So a zoo in Denmark has appealed to the public to donate any of their healthy and unwanted pets as part of a unique effort to provide food for its predators' exciting costs, high costs for animal feed. The Alborg Zoo has asked for donations of live chickens, rabbits, guinea pigs, which it says are gently euthanized by the train staff. Oh, if you're feeding a guinea pig to a line, you don't need to euthanize it. Just let it fucking... Give the line some fun. Yeah, give the line some fun, let it run around a bit.

It's like an apple for a line. It says the zoo is also accepting donations of live horses with owners benefiting from a tax break. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Posting on Instagram, the zoo explains it has a responsibility to imitate the natural food chain for animals. Well, that's not true. Then don't euthanize it. And smaller livestock. Well, whatever, if it's one of them that didn't win a race and broke its leg or something like that, send it off to the zoo.

The small animals can be donated on weekdays. with no more than four at a time without an appointment. So can you bring a sack of kittens or is it just? A bell that bag, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like how many you let? And like, like, like, do you have to sign anything or you can just show up? Well, I would have thought like when they say donate it,

I think you should just put it through some sort of shoot and you get to watch it be eaten live. Do you get a, do you get a tax write off? You do get a tax write off. Oh, do you? Yeah. Yeah, you get a tax write off. You get a tax right off So when my accountant goes

What charitable things have you done this year You'll go Four dogs down at the zoo man Finally got rid of Tazy's cats Yeah I love those cats One of them's over there Leave those cats alone

Oh they can hear you get in that They can in a statement The zoo's deputy director Pia Nielsen Said the zoo's carnivores Have been fed smaller livestock For many years When keeping carnivores

It's necessary to provide them with meat preferably with defer bones to give them as natural diet as possible. Therefore, it makes sense to all the animals. Bring anything you've got down here. Many people are given dogs for Christmas, and they don't want them rather than letting them starve. Okay, I know this is going to go badly, but a stillborn. Would it be morally wrong?

Our own? Yeah. Or an animal stillborn. Ours. Like, you had a bad day, you need a tax right off. I don't think the mother herself would probably be it out. Are you saying the hospital or you're not saying abortion? I'm not saying an abortion, right?

I'm just saying like, like, there's been an incident. Unfortunate. Unfortunate. But there's a giraffe. Drafts are vegetarian. I think the giraffe is finding that very disturbing. It's a, that's a meaty leaf. I'm just saying, why are we better than the other animals?

Why are we better than the other? I find it a horror either way, but why are we better? Yeah. Okay. I brought the conversation to a halting stop. Well, you know, it's interesting. I very rarely am offended, but. I'm just saying, could you know, so that the life wasn't a complete loss.

Yeah. Now, listen, you're going to hell. And, I mean, maybe in private. We don't want to watch them eat that. Oh, no, no, no. I'm not sitting there watching it. Or how about why do they have to be still? Let's Stillborn just makes it too sad.

As you know from our favorite story. All right. So some, some. Just death. Just dead people. So a kid who's a little bit of a shit. Not alive. Get out of kids.

For God's sake, man. We're dying over here. An old person is a shit. That's what we're talking about. All right. Okay. Okay. Nans dead.

We don't have room to bury her. We don't want to cremate her. Because you can't be dead for too long before you eat it because then the meat doesn't go right. You can't, you know, a dead animal. Okay. Could you, Grand's on her last legs. This is her final wishes. Yeah, Gran loved nothing more than watching David Adamer documentary.

And now she's been eaten by a family of Eurasian lynxes. She could go to the zoo. And I would even say, as a fitting tribute, put a park bench in front of where she was eaten. we're a name in front of the gazelles or whoever got up to it. You know what? She was a woman. She was an old woman who was brought up at a different time where she had to provide food for many families over the years

and in what is a beautiful female act, her last act on this planet is to provide food once more. Yeah, because making us into ashes isn't helping anybody. Burying us under the ground is the most, I reckon one of the most selfish fucking cunty things you can do. I'm gone, but I still need a block of land. What do you need a fucking block of land for? I still get a little rectangle space even after I've left.

What a boomer mentality to be like, I'll be taking up space when I'm dead. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they do, though. They do. And I've bought a place for your mother as well. She'll be next to me. We'll be taking up space. And you have to visit us.

You have to keep visiting us for fucking ever, right? No. Yeah, the boomers have done. so well in the property market, you wouldn't be surprised to see your parents on Zillow looking for plots, which are more expensive than your apartment. Going, oh, that plot we bought back in the 70s, it's worth a fair bit now. It's worth a fair bit now. And, yeah, you know, me and the missus ended up buying a house.

How? We ended up digging up mum and dad and selling their plot. It was a big bit of land. Yeah, I don't get it. I honestly don't. I feel like, if you want to be putting an urn and then the family has you in the house and you get to look at the urn every now and again or you want to be scattered in the ocean or something that but you don't need especially a tombstone the idea of who's past your children no one takes

care of the tombstone it just gets covered in moss no grandkids go and take care of it unless you were awesome unless you like did something yeah but even then great grandkids aren't going no no no i'm saying they'll come and have a look at it go that's where pop pop used to yeah but i'm saying unless you're like you know uh Thomas Jefferson or, you know, William Blake the poet or John Lennon or something like that. Even then you get a lovely park on a building in Britain. What's one of the wonderful things about England is those blue parks. You walk around a blue park.

This is where this actor, this writer, this historian, this politician, used to live in this house. And you know the policy on the blue parks, right? What's that? 20 years, right? You have to be dead for 20 years before the park can go up. we have they have to deem that you because like let's say Justin Bieber dies tomorrow and he gets a plaque and then maybe in 20 years we're forgotten him and then we're like why we put a plaque up at this gun because I remember I was living in Britain and I saw John Lennon's house he died in 1980 I moved over there in 2001 they said he only got his plaque last year and then we went to George Harrison's house George Harrison didn't get a plaque until 2021 right because they were still sitting around going we're not sure on George maybe maybe Maybe no one will remember him in 10 years. I'll go, who was that other Beatle?

No one knows. What about this? What about this, Jim? If London has Plarks for the famous people who used to live here, we could do one in L.A. where we live, and it's Plarks where Harvey Weinstein assaulted people. Yes, yes. They'd call it Blue Town. But it is a nice thing.

Like the Peninsula Hotel. This room was where Harvey Weinstein cast many movies from you know. You literally walk down the street in London and you're like, huh, Freddie Mercury, right? And it's just a cool, it's little things they just pop.

It's not just London. It's all of the UK does it. Right. It's all the UK does it. But it is a wonderful little thing that I think the rest of the world should pick up. That's how people should be remembered. You go, oh,

that's where, you know, like when you find someone grew up in a suburb near you and a street like you, it's sort of inspiring that you can go, oh, well, if he came from this little fucking townhouse, I can achieve things as well,

right? And you can make pilgrimages there. Like when I went out of my way to, I remember I went to the Fuhrer bunker for that reason. I was like, he did it. Yeah, where's the Hitler Park? Where is it? Remember we went there? You can go to the weather.

It's a bus stop. It's a bus stop. And a low quality apartment complex for students. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. There's not much there. It's sort of like, yeah, this is where it was. Don't worry about it.

If you ever go to Berlin, folks, it is. You have to really look for it. And my favorite, I always wanted to do a sketch about the real estate agent who's showing off the apartments there and people go, anything we need to know about the area? There was a guy here some years ago. There was some issues. There is some

permits, but you are not allowed to build basement. You know what's a good thing about this area, Zol? Very good public transport. Very good public. And you know who you have to think for that? Oh. Anyway, back to the point we were making. If you die, you're being fed to the worms anyway.

So insects are eating you. You get thrown into the ocean, the fish eat you as, like, charcoal. So what's the matter of being eaten by a cool? If you're going to be eaten by a being anyway, make it a lion. That's a spectacle. Once you go and once you go, the worst thing they can have. Is that legal? The arrogance of Jimmy Saville having a tombstone,

knowing what he got away with in his lifetime, is beyond. They've taken it down now, and it said it was quite lasted. Yeah, they've taken Jimmy Saville's down now, right? But Jimmy Saville went, there should be a place for people to come and remember me. Hey, yeah, my court cases on Thursday. Right? We have to wrap this podcast up a little bit early today

because I have to duck off now. Do I know what I'm off to do? I'm off to do a gig. I'll report how this goes because I'm doing a gig for the Dodgers. Will Smith from the Dodgers, the catcher from the Dodgers is having a gig. I've downloaded some of my jokes in Japanese

in case Shohei or Tarni shows up, but I'm going to play it down. But my son, Hank, is going to come and see me do stand up for the first time. He's been backstage at many gigs because they said there will be kids in the audience. This could all go tits up. I'm very nervous. Wait, he's, but he would have watched you on the internet though, right?

Yeah, but it's always, you know. Are you nervous? I would have liked for him to come and see me in a big gig, like in a big theater where everyone stands up when you walk in. What if you die and your son no longer respects you? And then I have to take him to other gigs until I, you know, I have to win him back. it's like you know what's funny it's like giving a woman a dud root it's like you come over again i'm going to have four wanks before you come over because i'm going to be ready to go i'm not going to be

coming too quick again i hope to god we find out that at one a m you were at the laugh factory trying to get on with your son who's half asleep in the car you're like you're going to watch me kill all right dad this is the fourth club tonight i'm good at this i swear i'm going to i'm going to pull some punches obviously right because there's going to be kids in the audience and it's for charity you know, and, you know, I've got a couple of, like, Dodgers sports cards that I might see if Hank can get him signed or something like that, you know, but it's a, I'm taking my boy to meet the, he's coming because he wants to meet the Dodgers, right? The Dodgers are going to be there.

He gets to meet the Dodgers. And he's very excited about that, but I'm so nervous to be performing in front of my 12-year-old son. I don't wear that hat because I wanted to wear Oasis merch and you told me I wasn't allowed to because I looked like a fucking goober and you'd be embarrassed if we met Noel. So can you wear a Dodgers hat? Was I right? Was there anyone backstage wearing the stuff?

No, you saved me on that one. I was going to go ahead to toe like a full Nuffie and have the whole bank. I did save you on that one. The other thing is, I buy all the merch and then wear it later. I don't wear it to the concert. I wear it later. And then, you know, the same you've been there. But, all right.

We have to wrap this up. I'm in the Edinburgh Fringe. I'm just doing a work in progress. All my jokes are new. They suck, but the show is pretty much free. So if anyone's around, come along, give me some bloody feedback, if you like. I've got to get this curry out of me. The show is pretty much free.

Okay, well, of course, it's a free show, but I did so many jokes, and you sat there for a long time, so you have sit-free, you have the, you clapped your hands. That's a clapping fee. Vat-tax, there's VATX noise pollution. Blame the, blame the thing. And also, the tariff, I'm a stray, and you had to bring me in. But if you're a Balkan, you get gibberish. Your whole ticket comes to 48 pounds, 66 pence.

Not me, not me, not me. Oh, you're broken, 44, 44 pounds. And never lose your keys, folks. Get a key ring. That's all I'll tell you. Fucking, what a public service statement that is. Now you get a key ring. Go get a key ring.

And clip it onto your pants, like one of those old fellas. Thank you.