I Don't Know About That - ATM: Episode 28 - Gettin' Sued in London

Episode Date: September 11, 2025

At this moment, Jim and Amos are in London, England on their second attempt to record a podcast. They talk about getting sued in car accidents, fake Rolexes v. telling the time by the sun, and covering up Banksy. Jim's new special "Two Limb Policy" is out now on Netflix! ADS: MOOD: Get 20% off your first order at http://www.mood.com with promo code: ATM SOCIALS: Jim Jefferies Website: ⁠https://www.jimjefferies.com⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/jimjefferies⁠ FB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/JimJefferies⁠ Twitter: ⁠https://twitter.com/jimjefferies⁠ Amos Gill IG: @abitofamosgill FB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/AmosGillComedy/⁠   Theme Song: "Rein It In Cowboy" by the Doohickeys

Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target Pacific health concerns with 100% federally legal THC blends. They deliver to your door discreetly right to your doorstep. Get 20% off your first order at mood.com with promo code ATM. That's 20% off your first order at mood.com with promo code ATM. Hello everybody. Welcome to at this moment. With me, Jim Jeffries, and I must go. It's actually the second time we've recorded this podcast.

We're now doing it on the back of phones because the other recording didn't work out. We may not have hit the record button. We're not sure, but it was a belter of a podcast. They talk about the great loss of knowledge and art at the burning down of the Library of Alexandria. And this is, this is, if you have no written history, if you have no thing, then things will be forgotten. And we could try and recreate what we did the other night backstage at the Hammersmith, but we never did that. With a cave painting or something. But, no, we were backstage at the Hammersmith, the following,

a very famous dressing room that the Beatles have sat out and everything. I'm in a hotel room now in London that maybe, maybe someone's overdosed in. I'm pretty sure. Yeah. Well, the Rolling Stones partied here in 1968. And they haven't redone the day course since. And the hotel doesn't half let you know about it either. Oh, they tell you all the time.

You're like, oh, I'm not sure about the breakfast this morning. I think the bacon was overdone. That's how Mick Jagger liked it, sir Yeah, yeah Oh, okay Yeah Gathers no moss Gather there's no moss

They bring it up all the time In fact So I don't want to paint Jim as a diva Yeah But he was fucking ropeable When we went to this hotel It is nice But you're a modern man

All right, okay This shit bothers you This doesn't block out the sun And we had an actual key On a wooden But like that looks like You're at a gas station And you've not been trusted

To not take the key You have a shit. That's a lot of effort to remember that key everywhere you go. It's hard taking that out with you everywhere. And it's also, like, oh, look, I'm not a single fella, right? But imagine if you picked up a young lady and went, got to slide that across the bar. Hard to be discreet as this chick leaves the bar jingling with your fucking key.

And also, you lose a key at other hotels. You go to a reception, I've lost my key, and I'm not a key. This one's like that. You pay a deposit on the key. I lost my key this morning at breakfast. And the porter had to come. and he was like this, what floor? I go, five, which is the top floor here, he wanted this.

Five, five, is it? That British work ethic that we know and love. Five, five days, my days. Speaking of the British work ethic, at this moment, the big thing that's happening, when we did the show on the Monday, which was sold out, but a few people couldn't make it to the gig,

I am adding an extra gig in Hammersmith on the back of the tour in November. So check jim jeffries.com, check my Instagram. You'll see when it's listed if you want to come back. The shows in Hammersmith were unbelievable. The first show was good, and the second show was amazing. Just the really amazing guy. Well, let's go through that first.

I want to talk about the first show. Okay, to the first show, I go on stage and I come out at the moment to a village people's song. So, you know, there's still other village people up. I like to upset Karen Willis. Showing contrition from our... Yes, yes, from my... Continuing our apology. tour, a global apology tour.

So I come out and it's, I come at the macho man, and it's all like a mirror ball and all like rainbow color. It's gay. It's always super gay. It's the campus outing ever. Like if you saw Julian Clary or Alan Carr coming at this, you go, bit much boys, a bit on the nose. Anyway, so I've come out, I'm like, so the village people, right? I'm that far into my set and then just in the back of the room, a bit of like,

kerfuffle and the house lights go bunk straight up and it turns out there was like an older gentleman I don't know how old but older than the person who did he was sitting in a chair and in his seat and a young bloke comes up and goes hey these are my fucking seats and he goes well there's other seats just over there I think this is my seats whatever I know my seats oh fuck off cunt

and then the young bloke lamped him just fucking bang whilst he's in the chair full chaos literally punching down This guy was punching down. There is no... And kicking from all reports. Stomping. Stomping and punching down.

That's why you like my comedy. Anyway, so he knocked the bloke out. And then I just saw this bloke being lifted up and he was just like a rag doll. And they had to leave the house lights up. So I became a rodeo clown at that state where you have to distract the bull that just killed a man over here

and just go, Hong Kong. You're back to blah. Anyway, women are, buddy. Gold diggers, aren't they? Yeah, I'm straight into, you know, the sensation of a sneeze is one-eighth of an orgasm, what do you reckon? So was he taken out to the hospital, or? He was taking the emergency room.

And I didn't know this about England. Well, we've got to get him tickets for the next one. Yeah, yeah, so the guy who got punched, if you can prove you're the guy who got punched because I know the British, they'll all go, oh, yeah, fuck it'll sell. Yeah. If you can prove, write to me, I'll get your tickets to the new show coming up because you didn't get to see anything. He's an exception to two-lim policy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's part of the, and as I said, fall. Lim policy. If you connect, if you contact me and you're missing four limbs, you get free tickets as well. But it was awesome to do the Hammersmith and Polo. It's the best. It's one of the, the wall of sound you get from there. Plus it's also beautiful. Plus it's also bigger than a theater. It's almost like doing like an arena-type gig because it's over $3,000,000 and a half thousand. And the dressing rooms, you're in there. And there's pictures of John Landon in the, in the dressing room that you're just in, you know, when the Beatles' 1964 and the suits

and everything. So it was really fucking cool. It's one of those ones that when I drove past it, and I saw my name up on the blackout. I still got a little chill. Like, that's something. That's one of the first times I've seen you get your phone out to take a picture or something.

Yeah, yeah. I never take pictures enough of them, but that was pretty cool. So that happened in the first show. The second show, and we're like, still, we have to stay in this hotel room now because there's no getting around London right now because the true drivers are on strike.

The tube drivers. London is a complete sandsteer. It's a shit show. You can't get anywhere. It's two miles is like 30 minute drive or, you know, in a 20 minute walk. There are no trains today due to industrial action. So I thought I'd go over with a little bit of what's happening. Yes.

Because I wanted to know, okay, I like to stand with workers. Yeah. But I have people should be paid a fair amount of money for a fair day's work. There's a sniff test of like what should be. Now, before we do, I'll tell the story. I know we told them, I didn't tell them last five of those. We told this on the podcast that wasn't recorded. I used to work in a bar called The Green in Shepherdsbush

when I first got to England in 2001 And it must have been odd for them to see an Australian working behind a bar Oh yeah, they all said it They're all Australian bartenders because Oh, you're trying to get some British employees But they all stay down in the freezer And the freezer's a fridge, right? They're all down in the fridge

They all sat there fucking behind kegs having a secret dart What, level one Upstairs seating It's the same reason why there's Australians working at the Moulon Rouge. We're hard fucking workers. We did go to the Moulon Rouge in Paris. Well, we didn't go to the Moulon Rouge. We went to the B-list Moulon-Rooge called La Nouvelle.

Oh, we haven't talked about this either. I forget we recorded a podcast already. So we're in Paris. By the way, Paris was really unexpectedly good, really nice crowd. Jelly Roll was in the audience. That's interesting. I didn't say hello to him. He went out afterwards, but I spoke to him on the phone very quickly.

They never met Jelly Roll. Roll was in the crowd in Paris. And afterwards, our promoter Eric, who promotes some of our tours, some of our gigs in Europe, and he's a good guy. But we were at the Moulin Rouge, and we went to buy tickets, and I said, I'll buy tickets for after my show. So we'll finish the show at 10, and then at 11 o'clock we'll go to the Moulin Rouge, see some girls doing the fucking Can Can, happy days.

Good Paris experience. Yeah, Paris experience, right? We ate a pastry, right? We were doing French shit. We had, you and I had a very, we had a romantic day. where you went to Cedric Grolay where you pay 18 euros for a pastry and it's got to be pretty fucking good

to not make you furious Banger. Worth every cent. Banger. Worth every cent. Well done. And so we went down there, we went to buy the tickets

and the promoter said, and I quote, don't worry about it. I've got you. I'll just call a few people. And we said, there are 100 euros right now. We'll just grab them now.

Please, let me organise it. And we said, do you have a contact? And he said, I will get one. I will get one. We knew this is going to happen. I said, I will get one. Then I get a stage in the Paris gig, and I'm like, all right, great gig.

I had a little small meet and greet, 10 people, took the photos. And then I said, all right, off to the Moulon Rouge, like this. And our tour manager looked at me and went, oh, Jim, about that, Eric did not get the tickets. He tried to get the tickets, and now they're all sold out. Well, I didn't know that because Eric was hiding. downstairs. Yeah, and I said, where is he? I think he's off having a cigarette.

I went out to wear the cigarette. He fucking was hiding under a table or something, right? Haven't spoken to him since. He was hiding under the stairs, and then he could just hear this. I just wanted to fuck see some tennies. I just wanted a basic nine out. I don't drink. I don't ask for much.

I just wanted to see. And it turns out that all the dances at the Millen Rouge, now there's four clubs that do these cabaret shows, and we went to one down the road. Yeah, so the Merlin Rouge is at the time. one, the major, they're not going to say tourist trap. And there's a crazy horse, and there's one that we were doing. There's one called Baradis, and then there's one called La Nouvelle Eve,

which I imagine is where you work your way up to get to the Moulon Rouge. It's not the open mics. Like, you're still a professional, but you're not playing the big arena yet. But it was actually good because it was a smaller club. You're an undercard in a boxing match. Yeah, yeah. So you're either on your way up to the Moulin Rouge. Or on your age down.

And you've aged out. Yes. And so it was very good. All Australian girls, because at a certain stage, They've got to say things like, oh, bonsoir, we. You know what I mean? Oh, junice, quire. So 60% of the dancers, I think it may be even more, 70% are from Australia.

And we found out why it's because they said, one, the girls are willing to be paid dog shit because they're living their dreams in Paris. Yes. And two, as the Aussie chick said in a 60 minutes piece, because we're hard workers and we can take a beating. Not like a physical beating, but like we'll just do so many shows. It's like the local girls just can't keep up with it. And also, we're really tall.

We're tall girls. We're tall girls. They don't let short girls on a. So the Moulart Rouge, which you think is a French experience, which obviously not anymore. It's all Australian. Anyway, one that we're up, they brought four blokes on stage. And the host of it was a British girl. Yeah.

Really pretty British girl who could sing a few songs. And she brought four lads up and they were going to do a dance off. Right, you do a dance, you do a dance. And where are you from? And where are you from? And then, Pollyvush, she'd be there, but a bada, she'd, translate everything in French. Yes.

For the no French people in the room, none. So an Australian audience watching Australian girls pretend to be French. But everybody there brought stage, where are you from? I'm from Canberra. I'm from Wollongong. I'm from Sydney. Yeah. Right?

So they all came on boom, boom, boom, boom. What was I talking about? Oh, the second thing. Right? So we go to come to the second show. So that's Eric, you're on fucking, we'll see you again at the next show. See if he hides. Yeah, he's not in that much trouble.

To be honest, the small show was probably a better one. Oh, we had a great time. But don't let him know that Don't let him know we had a good night out We had a banger There was a juggler He was fucking good He would get really far

And America's got talent But he's playing in a fucking 1130 at night In a little small room in Paris I don't want to be I don't want to start shit In the French cabaret scene But the male performers

stole the show At what is meant to be a titty review The male performers were the best bit I didn't know it was like standing I'm sick of these men I'm sorry about that I'm going I'm sick of these men coming into female spaces and these ones are ruining it for the girls

coming in there with their showmanship, their strength, they're juggling their comedic talent. No, they made us laugh. They made it. There was a guy who was a statue thing who made a baby grow out of him and there was a puppet.

It was a puppet of ghost himself. It was a tearjurker, I tell you. Very good stuff. What about the male acrobat? There was a male acrobat who was meant to be there for the mums and the ladies and he had abs in a perfectly toned body, but he was five foot two.

So there was that. I'd have to think, if he's married, because he wasn't gay, I don't think. He looked straight. I think the male performers, the three male performers were straight. The male dancers were not straight. So the male dancers, they come out and dance with the women, right? And then occasionally the women will walk by and they'll have to do gestures like this.

Like, as soon as you do that, when a woman walks by and you go, I know what he's trying to do. They should have one straight male dancer who doesn't go, he should go, ah. There's something more believable. You sit there'd be one by who just stands next to the rest. I'm like, I'm glad they're all gay. I get to clean up.

Well, no doubt the three performers, if they're married, their wives are not comfortable. No. With their line of work. Can't you just work the cruise ships? I get seasick out there. I've got to stay here. Yeah, it's good here. We get to stay here the whole time.

Have you ever tried juggling at sea? It's a fucking nightmare. Yeah. And then is there any new dancers? I don't even talk to them. I don't even. They keep them in their own. Australian girl, Charlene,

Noeline, Darlene, something, they're all leans. Bogan's. Yeah, yeah. Got my type. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you could say they have a good body. Yeah, the body's good, but that's about it. I prefer thicker.

I prefer them thick. I prefer a woman like you who's given, he married a juggler. I prefer a juggler's wife. Too tall. The legs are too long and toned. Yuck. Yuck.

Yeah, so that was our time with France. We come back here, then we did a show. The tube strike happens. Now, onto the tube. Yeah, so anyway, so once the tube strike happens, you do realize in a city like London, they're wrecked. So that's the whole thing.

I was working in a bar called the green. And in the barcow of the green, there was a daytime drinker. And I was struggling as a comedian. I was working as a bartender for five pounds an hour in 2001, plus tips, which worked out to be about 60p for the whole shift. A lot of tip.

Keep the 10 p. Keep the 10 p. Occasionally the British will do this, buy yourself one. Where that's actually like, that's a drink after work. So you can put in the amount of the drink into the cash register and leave a receipt. But you don't have to drink it.

Well, you kind of do. It's culturally like the start is like, yeah, there's just five drinks. And so it's like, I used to bank up drinks and then get smashed. Like, I have to work. So if you're too good of an employee, you develop a problem. It might have been my origin story. Anyway, so this guy used to come in and he was in charge of employment for the tube. He's the guy who hired.

He took a shot. He was also a drunk. Do you think he was getting kickbacks? Because that's a good job to get. He took a shine to me, because he used to chat to me all day, and I stood in the bar, and he goes, I can get you a job tomorrow, right? 50,000 pounds, starting, starting. And you know what, son, it's a job for life.

You'll never have another job. It's a super strong union. A 50,000 pounds in fucking 2001 is the equivalent of 80,000 pounds now in today's money, maybe, right? which at that stage was $200,000 Australian dollars? And what was like rent back then? What were you paying for a month? I was paying $600 quid a month dossing in a... So these two jobs, this is good work.

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. This is great work. And my gigs, I was getting 50 quid a gig. Yeah. 50 quitter gig. And it was like you could... And if I had a job like that, they would even... I didn't even have a...

I had work visas. I didn't have any citizenship. I could have got the equivalent of a green card type of thing. here because I had a job with the government, right? Yeah, and you still, listen, it is still work on a microphone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have been the best, mind the gap art. Oh, well, we had one more bloke get his head stuck in the door.

Let's try it again, folks. You know what I mean? Mind the gap. Not between the train and the pavement. Look at the teeth on this fucking year. Between your ears, mate. Just, you know, a little bit of light, gentle banter. It would have been enough to keep me going.

And so when he said, job for life, live, live, live. It's a crossroads, man. You'll never have another job, job, job, job. And I was fucking close. I was so close to going, well, I could still do stand-up there. I'd still be able to do it on the weekends as a hobby and on toaster. And I went against it. I went down the stand-up path.

Well, listen, if you did. But often I think about it, life could have been different. If you did do it, I still think you could have stand-up in, because I was curious. Well, this is the thing. What do the tube drivers get? So, so 2001, 50 grand. So right now, the base salary, this is the base. The base is 70.

thousand pounds base 70,000 pounds is a lot of fucking money i know that people are going to say that you have more but more money than that yes i do but it is a lot of fucking money i don't i don't think i earn so many you don't earn that much i don't think i own 70 000 fucking quid and how many of the drivers are the tubes come every four minutes there's so many lines there's got be hundreds of these guys so right now it's 70 000 pounds and a 35 hour work week yeah this is what they're striking for yeah they want a 32 hour working week so 4 days only. They want to knock one day, they don't want to do a five day week.

They want to do a, they want to have a long weekend every year and, was it 75 or 72? Then they want to be, they're going to be pushed up and they want 75% off all national rail. Anytime they travel, 75% of all tickets. Which are owned by private companies. This is just, you might as well just go, and I want free haircuts. So the base salary is going to go up. Some of the tube drivers who have been grandfathered are over 100,000 pounds.

If I, if I was there. That'd be you. If I was there in 2001, you don't think I'd be a hundred thousand quid guy? Yeah. Oh, fucking day I would. We've got to track down that guy who offered you the job. Or every fucking day I would. Because here's the problem.

He wasn't even going, the unions, mate. They can't kick you out. It's a job for life. Job for life. Problem is, is that the trains are also, the tubes are also automated. So they're in this precarious position, really, where what they actually do is they're actually they're not drivers, they're observing. I'm for the workers.

The trains are automated. they're meant to be there to hit the stop button if someone jumps on the tracks. That's all of their fault. And they've shown that they've actually missed that three times out of four. Three times out of four, they're not paying attention because they're on their fucking phone or something. Because why would you? Do you know there's a viral video? You have to sit there all day.

Doing fuck all. There's a viral video of one of the guys up there who was nicking a pair of socks. Yeah. Because he's just bored at the front of the train. Yeah. 100,000 pounds. 32-hour work week. And it's not like they're engineering.

years. It's not like, oh, there's something playing up with a truck. I better bring out me tools, throw some coal in there. You know what I mean? Like, they're not fucking doing it easy. Well, this will piss you off because I went, all right, so the tube's down. How am I getting around? So there's buses, cabs, scooters. Now, the buses aren't striking.

What do you reckon a bus driver's salary is? Keep in mind, a bus driver has a wheel. A wheel. He has to negotiate traffic, scooters, pedestrians. So he can hit a pedestrian, he can hit a car. He also has just as much. He has more chance of being affected. by a terrorist and then a train driver would.

Also, you can access the bus driver. You can attack him personally. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no. He gets called a cunt on a daily basis by drunks. All the time. All the time. And, like, the salary is getting this. He's opening the door.

He's shutting the door. He used to be collecting the fucking cash. He used to throw some money at him. Yeah, maybe they used to shill out the coins off that thing. He has to, he's running a till for a long time. I'm going to say, this gun's only 35 grand. 32,000 pounds. Fuck me.

That is such a harder. The, the bus. Bus drivers right now, picking up the slack for the train drive, for the tube drivers, must be, are you fucking kidding me? Fucking revolted at the tube drivers. Because not only that... I should have taken the job. It's too good a job.

Maybe it's like a gondolier stuff where I could give it to my sons. But I want to get on the bus and tell the drivers, like, what do you do? Why aren't you striking? Why aren't you striking? You're the one that actually has to do the thing. And they're not ready for automated buses. There will be in 10 years. Of course.

We've got the auto cars. We got a lot of cars, but buses are a different sort of thing. And also they're squeezing through precarious little gaps that maybe the automated thing would go, no, I'm not doing it. Like a London bus driver is a skilled, skilled profession. Yeah, well, I was scooting in and around yesterday. So I took the lime bike and everyone was on that overseas. How did you do that? Uber.

I just don't Uber. The Uber app unlocks it. Yeah, Uber and line overdue. Yeah, it's good. So I took the line bike and everyone was on the line bikes yesterday. So if you're going around the city, it was fucking chaos. And I was riding after a lunch at DeSoum, which is great place, Deschum, Indian restaurant, who has a great strategy, which is, if you're a member of DeShoom, which my friend is.

You love gambling, though. Yeah, at the end of the meal, they bring out a dice, and if you roll a six, your meal's free. Yeah, it only happens one and six times. We rolled a four, eight times. What, four, eight times in a row? Yeah. That's rare than getting a six. It's rare than steak.

But anyway, so I've had a few wines. and I'm riding the lime bike home through the city and I got up onto, I didn't want to be behind the buses I was getting smog in the face. Yes. So I got up on the sidewalk and I was going in and out of business people. Where's your watch?

And I, well, we'll get into that. I was riding, weaved, and then I ran into the back of an elderly, thin, posh looking man. Yes. And he went, oh my, oh, I'm awfully sorry. I stepped into your line. How foolish of me! What a clots I'd be!

And I looked at him, and I knew the head. It was Jacob Rees-Mogg, who was a Tory MP. You have to explain who it is. Jacob Rees-Mogg is one of the poshest men in Britain. A lord. Right-wing, posh guy. Right-wing posh guy. Who's no longer in power.

And very hated by a lot of, you know, lefty people here in the UK. Couldn't believe how polite he was. It was a caricature. This was an English lord. who I've gone into the back of, and he goes, I'm so sorry that I've, I've wrecked your day. There's this exact scene in National Ampoon's European vacation when Chevy Chase and his family,

because they don't know which side of the road to drive on. They drive into Eric Idol on a bike. Eric Idol's whole bike is fucked up, and he apologises. It's like cartoonish, what happened to you. It's bleeding everywhere. And he goes to me, over there, in blood went. But when I recognized him, I did the thing that I always do, which is you think you're going to have some fun lines

for people sometimes. I just yell the person's name. I just want this. Jacob Rees-Mogg! Yeah, yeah. That was all I had. Yeah. And he goes, quite right.

And he was with another gentleman who I think was ready. I imagine he gets abused in public. Sure. Someone wants to smash an egg on him or something. And I just went, oh, mate. Oh, no, your videos. You're hilarious. You're a caricature.

You're so funny. He goes, are you Australian? I said, I am. And he goes, well, I hope you enjoy your stay here in your home. This is where you're from, London. Have a wonderful time. And I hope you don't run into more clutches like me on the journey. And I said, I was like, oh, we'll say something.

I go, yeah, you got to fix the bloody crime here, though, because I was told I can't even wear a watch around this city. My Rolex is in my pocket. And he went, that's the right place for it to be. And then I pulled out my Rolex, which is a fake. that I bought in Cyprus. Did we discuss this on the point yet? I don't know, but you brought a fake watch that was the same as my watch

because you wanted to be a waker and you wanted to rile me up so that you could go on stage and so either you wanted to look like you had a real watch or that we both would bought fakes. So Jim has a back girl, is that what it's called? Yeah, back girl, yeah. A back girl, the back girl. Now I can't afford the back girl. I like the back girl.

So I thought it would be funny when we're in Cyprus. I crossed over to the Turkish side, which is a land of no rules. Yes. It's not officially recognised me anywhere but Turkey. And all they do, I wish you were able to come across in the It is just, there's no name brands So they bring in all fakes

So there is a Rolex store per se But it's all fake We might have talked about this already On the other podcast I don't think we did That was the one that we lost Oh okay, okay cool I keep going

Either way, my Rolex cost me It was 200 euros I managed to talk this woman To give me two for 300 I know has to drive a deal He knows how to get a deal And he said to me he was like this Why would you want to spend all that money

I got this year 150 euros 150 euros Everyone thinks the same one Everyone thinks the same When they look at my watch As when they look at your watch What happened to that watch?

Yeah so I was wearing that watch I did try and rile him up Because I was like I'll just spend the money As I was riding with my line bike I went over so many cobblestones The pin fell out And the thing fell to the floor

And fucking smash Just rattling along the road A little bit like that The whole thing fell off and snap So I showed Jacob Reismog I said yeah I had to keep my Rolex In my pocket He goes well that's good

I said, ah, but it's a counterfeit one that I got from Turkey. And he goes, but I couldn't tell. I thought, what a sweetheart. An elderly old man couldn't see the serial numbers with his fucking naked eye, you reckon. That was, I will say. I will say that about right-wing English people versus right-wing American people. Right-wing American people, like politicians, like if you were like Mitch McConnell or something like that.

He always seem a little bit like, you're not going to get any money on the thing. and the craddle worker, it seems a bit more aggressive. When you get, do this voice, well, the working class need to work a little bit harder. I find it a lot more delightful. I don't know why.

Of course. I'm more forgiving. It's such a caricature. Also, I ran into the back, I would have heard him, eh? He's like old. He's like, he's 58. I bumped into the fucking guy.

And then I watched him on the news that night talking about the tube strike. And he was like this, should be automated. There's no need for them. And if they're going to strike, fire the lot of them. because the city is going to be clogged.

I thought, right now he's thinking, I got fucking run over by a lime bike because of these pricks. I caused him to go on the news and give a real stirring rendition about why these workers need to be fired. And then, you know, what else I thought about last night is this is a lord.

He has a big manner out somewhere. He's a proper lord. In any other, go back 200 years, if I had cluttered into him on my bicycle, it'd probably fucking kill me. No. You don't think? Not the lords, no.

I could have run into a lord. They would have made a new law. Bless Australia. They would have put me into the stocks or something. I don't think so. Could have he lashed me? I don't think so. He would have had a bag, man, who's like...

What for you accidentally hitting him with a bike? Sorry about that. My lord? I lost control of the car. You're worse off now. It's someone... Oh, whiplash. Oh, lucky you didn't sue you, right?

Yeah. You're lucky you bashed into a rich bloke who doesn't need the cash. Oh, yeah. If you fucking... If you bashed into a tube driver, it was walk along going, this is all right, isn't it? I was trying to enjoy me, industrial action and a line bike stacked into my neck. I'm going to need $250,000. Yeah, and the problem is, right, I can't oversee the controls because you see my neck movement.

I can't see the people jumping on the tracks. So I'm not ready to go. Speaking of jumping on the tracks, we should mention this. That's a good name for a band. Jumping on the track? Yeah. We should do that. That's a great name.

It's like a real emo band. Yeah, yeah. Jumping on the tracks. Jumping on the tracks. So jumping on the tracks, if you get three of them in your lifetime, I know this in Melbourne as a tram driver, you're retired for life, full pension. And the album could be called Jump on These Tracks. Jump on These Tracks.

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there's a movie about this. Is there really? There's a movie where he's a tube driver and he has a couple of people jump in front of his train and he tries to find another person to kill himself. And they plan it, right? If I remember, it has been years since I've seen this film, they become friends or something.

And he talks, he talks the guy off the ledge or something, does he? So it's, so, but it's, if you get the third string, Strike. I don't know if it's called a strike. If you're out. Yeah, yeah. If, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, it needs a squidgey. Needs a full squidge. Full squidge. Full squidge. Just to take off just, just skin and bone matter, right?

Then, uh, you get the time off because of the nightmares. But you know what? After each, uh, one. Yeah. The first time you get like, you get like two weeks each time. Of course. So it's not like you don't get anything for the first. But, you know, that's dark, but that is kind of funny because.

You'd be in Tenerife like this, wouldn't you? I've been through a tragedy. Long service leave. Mate, way better than that. Some cunt jumped out of the fucking front of me and now the whole family's off on a vacation. And the good thing was, I didn't even see it because I wasn't paying attention.

I was knitting a scarf at the time. I'm hoping I'd get one more. We might even get a fucking place around here in my bag. Mind you, if I was paying attention, I could have stopped the training time. I wouldn't be here at all. That means there would have been industrial action, maybe 40 years ago, where a union lawyer...

You've got to hold your phone, you're recording it. Where a union lawyer must have had instances before, which must be horrific for the drivers. But that would have had to have been negotiated. So there would have been a sit-down with the metro. If three people jumpers once, does that get you off the hook right away, or does that count as one? Like a mass incident.

Yeah, a mass incident. So there's a fight breaking out the platform They would have had to have had a negotiation to this With two and fro where they go Two and they go four No they would have gone what They would have gone six Come on

A lot of people get suicide all the time All right Well we could strike We could strike And then they would have gone four We're not doing four All right we're on strike three Three

Three They would have wanted one Yeah they would have wanted one They would have originally want How can anyone recover From an incident like this Yeah yeah And they went

that's why you get paid the big bucks it's why you get 70,000 pounds you get paid more than a soldier and they see fucking brain splatter out they get paid way more than a soldier and the nurse and a nurse in the emergency ward who has to see someone's face

smashed in with glass bottles because they've been glassed which incidentally in Britain now they've gotten rid of all pint glasses they're like your windscreen of your car they shattered out so you can't glass anyone anymore how long did it take for them to do that

That is, you are so right. I used to do a joke years ago. The British are the only people in the world to use the word glass as a verb. I'm fucking glassed, mate. Yeah, I glanced him. I was a pub fight at my show last night. I was going to be glassed. I forgot about that.

There was a pub fight at my show last. Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't know there was enough people. We had 38 and thanks to all the Aussies who came out. With no tube, mind you, with no tube. So it was actually the venue only seats 38. So we sold it out in the Fitzrovia pub.

A lot of Aussies. could tell because they had backwards hats, moustaches and mullets. We are becoming, so, even for white people on white people, you can see us. We have a look now. We've got a look. We've got a look. I don't know why every young Australian has got a moustache, but here we go, moustache. So it was a really cool part.

And a certain way of dressing and a way of carrying ourselves, which just, you can hear the sound. But you know what, the London Aussies, they're pretty fun though. Oh, I remember. Obsessed with Guinness. I remember, okay. So the London Aussies are all under 27. They've got their two-year work visa. They've got to see the world.

This is their two years to cut loose before they become adults. Before they go back to Australia, become adults, maybe get married, maybe have children, maybe have, you know what I mean? So I remember, I lived in Britain, you know, eight years or something like that. And I remember when I was about five years on, I was on the tube. And I was just sitting there. And this guy who had obviously fresh off the boat, he had just landed. And he'd come on the tube.

And he was just like, hey, fucking good are you, cunts fucking that. And like this, and I just looked at him like, like this, right? And he goes, he goes, what, mate? You don't like the Aussie sense of humour? I love the Aussie sense of humour. You make him look like a cunt, mate. Another Australian girl went, yeah, down the end of the fucking thing. This guy had been there for a week.

When you hear our voice overseas, I remember being overseas for six months and hearing an Australian in the ski fields of France. Yeah. And he got on the chairlift and he goes, fucking not bad and when you haven't heard that voice it is it's a shriek isn't it

well I've always found it amazing that women find it attractive it's not it's not this isn't the greatest accent in the world like if you can have an accent Irish Irish yeah that's absolutely that's the one

that everybody seems to find it charming the things that you can get away with it could be such a lovely boldly you can be fucked up drunk because a lot of things get a little bit away from it I should, we should throw our Irish friend under the bus. I had my fake Rolex on.

Jim had his real one. Okay, so Andrew Maxwell, he's been a, he's been a friend of mine for 20 years, and he opened, him and Glenwall opened the UK gigs, and Amos was on at the London gigs as well. And, uh, uh, um, Amos was shut. You tell us to him. So I'm, like, showing my fake Rolex. I go, not bad for 150.

And Andrew goes, you keep doing that. That's why it falls off. I love to shake in the pin out. He goes, you and Jim, what's with your Rolex. What's with your Rolex? They look crap. Look like wankers. He goes, you know what's cooler than a Rolex?

What's cool? Being able to tell the time from the sun. I can look at the sun and tell the time. That's cooler than a Rolex. How dare an Irishman lecture in Australian on the Sun? Like, this is a man who has spent the last 30 years of his life living in London and he comes from Dublin. Well, when you see the Sun, Andrew.

But our tour manager, Adam, came in and said. Adam goes, all right. mate, tell it with his son. Well, you went five minutes over your set time, so tomorrow's gig, I'll cut a hole in the roof so you don't fucking run over. He's fucking brutal.

He wasn't charmed by the Irish at all. No, he wasn't charmed. He's known Andrew for a while. And I said to Andrew, I said, are you reading the time from the son? And he had no memory of this comment. No, he was stoned out of his fucking hand. We're never going to let him forget that.

He's like, what? You said you can read the time from the son. We work at, we work at, We work at night. What the fuck? We work at night. Indoorse. Indoor's.

Like, there must be a, I know you can also read it off your phone. But when I'm on stage, I tell the time from my watch because, you know. Me too, I hit this button when I go out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I turn the bezel around. So it clicks on to when I know I've started and stuff. And so, actually, what, it's funny because Hank's Little League game, one of the other kids walked up to me.

He's fucking 11-year-old. Yeah. 11 year old looks up and he goes, can you tell the time with that, Rolex? 11, you know, I mean? Yeah, I'd tell the time with it. No, you don't. Yeah, but...

What? And it's 11 year old. I'm not going to go, I can too. I can too? Well, he's suggesting, well, he's basically saying, it's wanky at all for show, mate.

Or is it because... No, he doesn't think that people can read clocks with arms on it. Oh, is that what is? That generation. It's just easy to the phone. And why would you use a whine-on-thing? And he's heard his dad probably say, I use a smartphone as more accurate.

These watches that cost so much. I thought it might be that, like, he's such a rich kid that he's like, Rolex, I've got a Richard Mill. No, no, no. This kid's not a rich kid. And he was just like, can you read the time with you Rolex? And I said, yeah. And he's like, there you go.

Bullshit. So let's get a couple of quick stories that are happening in the world. All right. Because we should cover a couple. So Cut of the Week is going to the Tube Drivers. We're going to bring back Cut of the Week. You can suggest Cunts of the Week. Comment under with your cunt of the week if you have a different opinion.

Now, I've got a lot of cunt in the UK. I'm going to whip through a few. All right. Now, the United Kingdom, I obviously love it. We are big anglophile. I grew up watching news TV. I believe London's the greatest city on earth. I think that it's very hard to beat London.

I have affection for America, Canada, Australia, Britain, the UK. We always say there's no perfect place. We would love to pick bits of different ones to create our own paradise. We could make a utopia. There is things. The underground is a, um, perfect underground in here right now, but

you know, there's things, the harbour in Australia, the harbour in Sydney, the, the architecture and, you know, there's this thing. I love the, I love the freedom of speech. If you're going to work in comedy, I love also having a great big car with a great big fucking thing and the weather can't be beaten California. Everywhere's got their pros and cons

and I like the restaurants in L.A. I like the food that you get at home in Australia, there's a lot to fucking... But America's in our business, the freedom of speech, the bedrock. And L.A. L.A. and New York and London and Sydney all have something exactly the same. The people, multiculturalism at its finest. They're the cities that are really nailing multiculturalism, in my opinion, where you sort of, all walks of life is what I like

about it. Yes. Well, what unfortunately is happening in the UK. I saw a cunt dressed as a punk in hot pants and a pink midriff, a fat fuck, the pink mohawk riding down the street. I'm like, You live your best life, you like those ones, too. The few characters here and there. Few characters. Well, I had a character of the pub last. I was going to, actually, I'll say this before I go into my rant about Britain's trampling of freedom of speech. I had a guy at the pub who was the pub fly.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I know those. So the pub I did was called, it's called the Ship, Fitzrovia Comedy Club. Now, the landlady who runs the pub lives on top of the pub. Sure. And so my dressing room was her living room. And she was making a chicken pot pie in there. And she goes, I made you a special meal, because I thought you'd find it funny.

I go, what's it, what's it called? She goes, I made you some faggots. Yeah, they're Welsh balls of meat. Welsh balls of meat. The first time you see it, it's funny. It's just a giant meat. She was like, I thought you'd find it funny. Faggits.

Yeah. Yeah, Tom State does a good routine about it. But yeah, when you first see it advertised on a banner, in a fish and chip shop, they'll have fish, chips, faggots. And you go, fun. They need to... A bit of fun. So, I'm sitting in the pub.

It's such a lovely family atmosphere. And the local pub fly, who I put on my Instagram, has a gag that he does. He goes to every comedy show. Yeah. He was born without an ear. Right. And so when the comedians come on... Like, for music?

Just no ear. Right, okay. So when a comedian comes on, his heckle is he sits at the front. And if he thinks his shit, he goes, rubbish. And he takes his ear off and puts it on the table because he doesn't. want to hear you. And so when I started talking, I started doing my bit about, oh, the UK's gone to shit, you know, they're throwing comedians in prison, UK sucks the weather.

He just goes to this. Oh, bollocks. And he took his ear off. And then after the gig, he was really, he was doing that to everyone. He was handing his ear to people. And he was going, go into the, go into the bathroom and speak to me. I'll hear it. Lovely bit of banter.

Lovely bit of banter. A little bit of banter. Let's talk about. But I want to talk about the UK freedom of speech because Donald Trump and J.D. Vance, J.D. Vance particularly, had been lecturing Kier Stama and Americans were like, oh, it's J.D. Vance talking about the UK, the UK doesn't have an issue with freedom of speech. And it pains me to say, as a lover of the Commonwealth, that things are getting out of control. And this is beginning to feel a little Orwellian, that's certainly the beginnings of it,

because Graham Linerhan, who wrote Father Ted, Black Books, the IT crowd, Black Books. He's sitcom royalty in He's like Norman Lynn For the UK Like he's sitcom royalty Now he's in the in the wash of the last 10 years He's taking issue with the trans movement Particularly the transgender kids

He had a son or daughter who transitioned I don't even know if that's true or not But anyway it's a big deal to him as a character He doesn't believe in it He doesn't believe that trans is a thing Which is his right