I Don't Know About That - ATM: Episode 39 - Adolf Is Back?

Episode Date: November 26, 2025

At this moment, Jim and Amos talk about the Namibia election where the current front runner is a man named Adolf Hitler. They also discuss calling people "piggy", Rush Hour 4, how Campbell's soup is for poor people, and Amos reminds us he's technically a lawyer. Jim's new special "Two Limb Policy" is out now on Netflix! ADS: Monarch: Don’t let financial opportunity slip through the cracks. Use code ATM at www.monarch.com in your browser for half off your first year. That’s 50% off your first year at www.monarch.com with code ATM. Rula: Thousands have already trusted Rula to support them on their journey toward improved mental health and overall well-being. Head on over to www.rula.com/ATM to get started today. After you sign up they ask you where you heard about them. PLEASE support our show and tell them our show sent you. Go to www.rula.com/ATM and take the first step towards better mental health today. You deserve quality care from someone who cares. SOCIALS: Jim Jefferies Website: ⁠https://www.jimjefferies.com⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/jimjefferies⁠ FB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/JimJefferies⁠ Twitter: ⁠https://twitter.com/jimjefferies⁠   Amos Gill IG: @abitofamosgill FB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/AmosGillComedy/⁠   Theme Song: "Rein It In Cowboy" by the Doohickeys

This episode is sponsored by Monarch. Don't let financial opportunities slip through the cracks. Use code ATM at Monarch.com in your browser for half your first year. That's half. That's 50% of your first year at Monarch.com with the code ATM. Our podcast is sponsored today by Ruler, RULA. They are an online therapy company with some of the best therapists in America available for sometimes $15 a session.

find the perfect therapist for you to have someone to talk to over the festive season. Thousands have already trusted Ruler to support them on their journey towards improved mental health and overall well-being. Head over to Ruler.com slash ATM to get started today. After you sign up, they'll ask you where you heard about it. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Go to Ruler, Rula, Rula, dot com slash ATM, and take the first step towards. mental health today.

You deserve quality care from someone who cares. Hello, welcome to at this moment with me, Jim Jeffries. I'm with my co-host, Amos Gill. What are we going to talk about this week? Good day, everybody. We talk about Adolf Hitler's rise to power in an African nation. It's true. He may win.

He may be back. We also, we discuss CEOs talking shit about their own company. One man might find himself looking for a job. we also spoke a little bit about a teacher who has been fired for putting bodily fluids into cupcakes. Yeah, it's all good fun when we were at school. Times of change. There was an array of other topics as well,

but Jim, we should take this opportunity to say that we are best seen live. That's right. We're coming to a turn near you. I've still got a few gigs left in the UK, but they're sold out now. You can get occasional two tickets or whatever, but the UK shows are sold out.

I'm coming back. I'm going to be in San Jose in January. I'm going to be doing Vegas. I'm going to be doing Reno. Check those out. The Vegas show's coming. But me and Amos are performing together at the Beacon Theatre in New York on January what, Jack? You can find Jim on January 30th.

January 30th. You've got the end of January's makes for a great Christmas gift. What gigs are you got coming, Amos? I'm going to Lisbon. I'd love to see some people in Lisbon. Amsterdam, we've sold out three shows. We added an extra. I keep saying it on the second of December.

Could do with some people there. Got a little greedy. I say it every week. And Lisbon, I'm there on the 30th. It'd be awesome to see you there. And then I'm going to add shows in Dublin. I'm coming to Warsaw. Coming to Helsinki and Tallinn.

Looking forward to our last European trip, Jim, where we will... I'm looking for a few Christmas markets this year. you're doing that again? I'm in Norway right now. We're into a Christmas market. So let's start

the podcast. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the podcast. It's been a big week. I'll tell you what I'm. The biggest problem I have with the podcast in the moment is every time we record one, 10 minutes later,

Trump says something stupid. And then we're late to the story. You need a daily show. Yeah, we need a daily show. Literally, we finished recording and the next story was quiet piggy now when Trump said quiet sorry just we just have to address something quickly before you go

you it is Christmas season and you do look like a villain from home alone where are you right now and why do you look like this in Oslo Norway and it's bloody cold and I have to wear the hat because there's hat hair and then there's whatever this is right I can't you know I've never had good hair you can already see the Hitler in me look at that look at that I wear a beanie.

Now, picture the little moustache. I've got it. Oh, my. I have to wear a bany as to not look like Hitler. This is the painter returns. Speaking of which, last night I was talking to a guy who works in the art circles of New York. Yeah. In the selling of paintings, I don't know if you saw there was a painting that went for $250 million the other night.

Okay. And we was talking about valuable art and how a story behind it works. Adolf Hitler's artwork. What do you think? It's out there and can be purchased. It's got a story behind it. It's as far as conversation starters go.

Yeah. You'd leave it not as the entry of your house, but at the last room you go into. When you're giving someone a tour of the house, you go, and we didn't want to put this out for everyone, but I feel like you're my type of guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. we did we just felt you out on a discussion about the banks and you seem to pass the test so come into this next room

how do you like sketchings of buildings that are filled with anger but they're not bad i don't think his artworks bad i've always said like so it's like they reckon that they reckon that in-and-out burger and chick-fil-a are the ones that give money to gay conversion charity things and different types of things and you know when everyone always goes the secret ingredient in my food is love Nate 8's number one Yeah but you're right He only really does

landscapes and stuff like that But this guy told me He goes I know a woman in New York Who has Hitler paintings And I said Which one? And he told me

Hitler put on a display At a gallery What's that called An exhibit at the gallery And what the exhibit was Was he got all this art from like Jewish painters, homosexuals, and he called it the degenerates,

and he said it was like such viciously ugly and aggressively bad art that was being pushed on the public that he bought it and he hung it off on bad angles. And it was called the degenerates and it was like, you would come in and go, now have a look how shit this is.

The way I feel when I go to modern art museums where I'm like, this is crap, right? Hitler did a full thing to be like, look how much these people have destroyed art. And this woman from New York bought of those and she's like and i hung it up straight that's her like that's her attack on hitler oh my well anyway so yeah sorry old trumpy's on the plane he's asked about the epstein files a woman who by the way quite an attractive lady not not fat um even if she was fat unnecessary to say to her face

wait till she leaves the room um but she was talking and what i like is and i know lots of people are talking about this. He goes like this. He's getting another question from a reporter he obviously likes, one that gives him softballs. And he's like, all right, you ask me, you ask me. And then he goes, quiet, piggy. And then he has a little pause between quiet and piggy. That means that he went through several other words in his roller decks in his head.

He went, he went, slut, bitch, fat bitch. Fat, cat. And then he landed on, this is acceptable. Piggy. It's also like, this Jimmy's like, oh, no, it's been too long. I better just pull one out. Piggy. Piggy.

Now, obviously, my wife has been hearing this all week, quiet piggy, whenever she times to talk. I imagine in every school yard, someone is, one kid is telling another kid, quiet piggy. If you did quiet piggy to a teacher this week at school, it's iconic. Dude. Look, I'm an offensive comic. You're an offensive comic. We say offensive things.

Between us, we have watched 10,000 hours of stand-up at least, right? At least with all the comedy clubs, people going on before us and all that type of stuff. I've never, I've seen hecklers. Fuck off. Get the fuck out of here. Fuck you. I've heard all this type of stuff. Normally winning thing, I have never seen a comedian point at a woman and call her piggy.

like if a comedian did it the audience would turn no matter what that woman said you would lose the room you would lose the room now you can do it because the president's done it for us I've done four gigs since then and said quiet piggy three times and is it working quite it's killing

it's absolutely killing I look Piggy is such a nice Lasty. Well, hold on. So you, if you, so ask me a question. Go. Ask me.

So, Amy, Moz. Shut up, slut. You think that's worse? I know, shut up slut's worse. But have you ever said shut up slut to an audience member? No, no. Like, to be honest with you, you've got to tread very carefully with a drunk female heckler. A drunk female heckler, you cannot attack personally.

Men like to be abused by a comedian. All their mates will go, uh, women will get really effective. ended and fucking, I had a Welsh, I was just doing Cardiff and I was going on about how their language is a bit stupid, right? And then I was trying to get to a joke that I already had prepared and I was using that as my entry. And then a bloke stands up in the third row and goes, Tim, remember what you said to piss Morgan? You are losing your audience like this, right? And then I started doing it, put down a few lines that I've done before and I'm just like, putting the guy down and at the end he just goes like this yes but i'm still standing and i'm like fair dues

mate like this is the thing with with hecklers if you muscle through and you just don't fucking quit even if the audience is booing you can still ruin the show there's no comedian that can really put you down but that's a separate thing but my son's saying we say it all around the house quiet piggy quiet piggy's the catchphrase of my house so you said she was thin i i was really hoping that she was going to be just like enormously fat and wearing all pink. Well, that's the whole thing. That's all the thing. If she wasn't a very attractive-looking woman,

there would have been people who would have quietly said to each other, he has a point, right? But no, it wasn't. It wasn't. Okay, so Donald Trump's double-edged sword of his life is the words that he uses. This is the reason people love him. This is the reason people hate him. This is what gets him into trouble.

And this is what gets him out of trouble. which happened in the White House this week, if you want to talk about that story. Yeah, so Mandani, New York mayor, Democratic Socialist, goes to meet Donald Trump. And boy, oh boy, that's when you see Donald Trump's high social IQ of power games, because when they do the public meeting, I don't know what was said behind closed doors,

but Donald Trump looked at Mamdani in a loving, smiley face that I've never even seen him do to J.D. Vance. Like, he was so thrilled to have him there. And I think deep down it's because he's a New Yorker. And Donald Trump respects its most based and visceral core winners. And the fact that Mamdani is so popular, I think he's like, you've got to hand it to this guy. He knows how to win over the public. Donald Trump fancied himself a populist, and he's gotten less populist lately.

And I think he thought, this guy's got a little bit of heat that I could rub off on me. Both men, different ends of the spectrum. Both men, they thought they had no chance to winning. one against all odds. So they have that in common. And so someone also made an amazing point about J.D. Vance, first Mum Darnie. And it's like J.D. Vance is born extremely poor in Appalachia to drug addict parents and has worked his way up through all the Ivy League schools to become who he is.

Mum Darnie is a rich kid from New York who's in the right social circles who has charisma. And Donald Trump immediately looks at Mum Darnie. He's like, I love that guy, fucking JD. What a filthy poor guy that I've got here in my cabinet. Hey, JD, be more like that rich kid. How many times must Donald Trump be sitting in the Oval Office? He looks over in the camps, so what's J.D. Vance, eating a squirrel and thinks, what is it with this fucking redneck country? So here's what we were going to say, is that Mam Darnie was asked the question, you've called Donald Trump a fascist before.

Yeah. Would you still say that now? Now, by the way, I've got to give credit to the reporter who asked this question, not a piggy. not a piggy not a piggy not a piggy yeah uh a fox i rate reporters now piggy or not piggy i hope he throws some positive with that all right you can ask me a question you a little fucking minks yeah all right sugar tits so you guys are you know he's dear fascist and donald trump is like standing there and he's looking up at mum darnie and mom darnie starts to go in a long roundabout you know he's got trump standing there well you know in the past i have said the

things and through some of the actions of the administration, and Donald Trump just taps him on the arm and goes, it's okay. You can just call me a fascist. It's easier. That way you don't have to explain it. And Mom Dani sort of just gives up. Yeah. And I just thought, that was like an incredible, that's like Donald Trump at his best politically is because he's sitting there on the table like the Don and this guy's standing up. And that little tap on the arm was like, yeah, yeah, just call me a fascist. I don't care what you have to say, dude. You know, you've come to my office, and would a fascist allow a press conference where you can call me a fascist? No.

So you look silly, don't you? That was the idea behind that? You're like, don't you feel like a dummy who's over-exaggerated calling me a fascist? But go ahead. There's no repercussions. Also with the Epstein files, Trump's being, I don't, look, he must have great advisors or something. Because how brilliant of Trump to, he's very clearly in the files. We have Elon.

We've seen that now, yeah. Yeah, everyone knows he's in the files, but he's put all of his files, like, I'll put them under investigation, so they can't be released until he's long gone out of office. And all it's going to say is Clinton and fucking Stephen Hawkins or whoever the fuck else was on there. I don't know if Stephen Hawkins was on there. I thought he was. I thought that was guaranteed. Sex parties, but I wouldn't want to have him there. You know, it's just an extra person to take care of.

And don't forget, for all the shit that Jeffrey Epstein's got over the years, the fact that he made. Edstein's Island wheelchair accessible does show a certain mirth of character. Yeah, look, it's got to meet the guidelines. It's part of New York City, that island. You've got to meet the regulations. Yeah, there was tire marks all over the beach, and it's hard to know. Was it Stephen Hawking or Bill Clinton in a segue? A segue is when you have three girls.

Yeah, those files, I mean, geez, it's like so obvious at this point. I was looking at Thomas Republican, well, you know, the outlier from Kentucky, the great Thomas Massey, was saying this week, after all the heat he's taken from Trump, with Marjorie Taylor Green has been forced out of the party and she's not going for re-election, so she retires in January. Her and her and Massey were the ones pushing for this inside of the Republicans saying, hey, we went to, we ran on this. We talked about draining the swamp. You know, we've got to drain the swamp. And now Massey's saying that, you know, the bit out loud that we all kind of know, we all kind of know. which is we're protecting the files because, guess what, it's got intelligence agencies written all over it.

And at this point, because no one trusts government around the entire world, I guess they're going to have to sit down and say, listen, in the world of global politics, we blackmail people with honeypot schemes where we get them to have sex with people outside of their marriage or unknowingly trapped them by having sex with people underage so that we can control them to do what we want them to do. And we engaged in that, the French, the Americans, the Israelis, the British intelligence.

This is how power politics works. So there it is. It's all out there. What are you going to do about it? Also, we did 9-11 and Pearl Harbor. Now what? Because I think about conspiracy stuff is you get to the bottom of it. And you go, what now?

I don't know. I'm fucking, I'm trying to charge this fucking thing. I'm in Norway nothing works I don't think I've ever To be honest with you I've never heard a left wing person from California Say nothing works in the Scandinavian countries

Oh no my plugs don't work It's nothing against the country per se It's look I'm here with my 13 year old son We've been walking around all day Looking at pretty looking blonde women You know the tourists Is he able to discern that yet? Oh yes

Yes he's figured that out he knows what's going on in fact all right you can you can watch this bit i got to move rooms i got to move because this one i don't mind just keep podcasting and if there is a kid on the bed it is it is your son just for everyone it is he's 13 now this is bad timing for me to be talking about the epstein files and this you got a small in your hotel room you got to swap rooms we're trying a podcast. So turn the TV off. Dude, you look like, you really do look like you're getting ready for a roll.

I've never seen you look this gruff. See you, mate. See you, Hey, Hank. Also, while we're walking here and this may or may not be edited into the podcast, what are you trying to take Kauai Leonard from me from Lamello Ball? Lamello Ball went way higher in the draft than Kauai Leonard did. People wanted Lamele and Ball.

Kauai's been injured the whole time. You know I'd have no faith in the Jeffreys family when it comes to trades? Okay, now you look like fucking Ricky Javis. You've got to start doing those bath picks, man. Okay. So while we talk about autocracy in the Trump administration, here's the positive side of autocracy. You can force good things to happen too.

That's why some people like dictatorships as things move. Apparently Donald Trump has been in touch with Paramount Plus during the merger and has demanded rush hour four be made. He wants Rush Hour Four is his movie of choice. Not Shanghai Noon. It was so funny when they decided that like Jackie Chan was, oh no, Shanghai Noon's Owen Wilson, isn't it? Yeah.

You know what it is, Jim? I've just put it together in my head. I don't know if you know this, but Chris Tucker was famously on the island. So I think he's called Chris and he's like, you're coming out in the, you're going to be in the files, but we're going to make it good, right?

We're going to get you back in rush hour. But Chris Tucker still owes the tax department millions and millions of dollars. He has to keep working Chris Tucker. He just says, that's a good idea is what happens is the president looks at all the celebrities that owe millions of dollars in tax. And then in order to get that money, he calls up producers and goes,

get them a film so I can get some tax revenue. It's very easy if you're a dummy to lose all your money as a performer because you don't pay your taxes until the end of the year in one lump sum, right? So every year I'm surprised, I'm like this. What? How much? I didn't earn that much. And then, you know, my bank account gets cleaned out.

So Chris Tucker said in an interview, he said, like, some people save money for a raining day. he goes, I was like, it's raining, let's buy Ferrari. So he's got fucking nothing. So he's, he's going to be well up for rush hour four. But also, Jackie Chan's got to be 70? It's got to be older than that, Jackie Chan. Let's have a look. Jackie Chan was in the cannonball run movies.

Yeah, he's 71. Yeah, he's fucking old. He shouldn't be doing his own stunts. He shouldn't be doing any ninjury type things anymore. So, like, make a new franchise with the sons of the rush hour. Also, I think this is of all the times to have a movie about a black American and a Chinese man coming together, it is at this time when we are in a new Cold War with China. Maybe that could heal this world.

We do need positive relations with the Chinese. But maybe this one can be called Rush Hour 4 dealing with ice. Yeah, or Rush Hour 4, Taiwan, no one. more. Do you know, Hank's mother, Kate, my ex, she's in Shanghai noon as a, yeah,

she's a prostitute in a saloon and she, uh, and she guys gets to go, I've never been with a chairman before. And she goes, I hated seeing that line. I didn't want to see that line. She's like, you know, Kate's the night. Does Hank, has he gone and watched his mom's films yet?

Um, he's seen some of the things. semi-pro? Yeah, he's probably seen that. He's seen, he's seeing, I reckon he should probably watch the episode of legit where his parents met. I reckon that'd be a good thing of TV for him to watch. You can see the original story.

His parents met when. Is Kate a hooker in that as well? She is. He has played a lot of prostitutes, yes. You know, that's the sad thing about being a working actress in Hollywood is you can play prostitutes on television, but if you were just a prostitute, you'd have a far long and more storied career financially oh yes yes and no taxes um but uh uh yeah so yeah so she she she's played strippers and hookers and stuff like that and but you know you get typecaste

ain't yeah yeah all i play now is uh psychopathic drug riddle doctors in movies i've only played the one but i feel like more's on the way i don't i don't see you getting like a um a lead in a rom-com like to see you taking over from a matthew mconnahey type thing There's a big movie being made at the moment that I was very close to getting a role in. I won't say movies, but once again it was a villain. I'm villains in films. That's what I almost get villains. I get creeps.

Yeah, well, as you wear all black in your dark room with a fucking black beady on. Yeah. Yeah. That's alive, dude. I don't know if you ever, did you think you were going to be the hero? What are you, Chris Pratt? why am I'm very likable on stage part of my appeal is that I'm likable and I have a cheeky face let's all agree Tom Cruise half of his job is running running fast have you seen how you run

I think I can play a romantic lead why can't I play romantic lead I'm very charming I give it to give it to us I'm doing it look into the camera and tell people I love you I can't do it I can just play creepy people it's all I've got so rush hour two by the way my favorite, you know how you have a movie as a kid that you just bizarrely love. I've never seen him. Damn, he ain't on being Rush Out3. That was back in the day where the outtakes

were put into movies and that was everyone's favorite picture. They don't do that anymore. In the credits. Yeah, in the credits. When was the last time you saw a funny outtakes? Because it was DVD extras. That's why they used to do it. Yeah, used to go. So like the Hangover, Rush Hour and stuff like that, over the credits, they would

put the Blueprint real, right? They put all the outtakes so that you could see all the things. They were the best endings to fit. You obviously didn't watch till the end of the credits in Nuremberg. If you watched it, had like a little marvel, like, he might be back. Nuremberg too. He goes to Zinghale and his hand gets caught on something and they all laugh on set. He knocked something over with it.

Does Russell Crowe been like, there was no order signed by my fucking what's the line yeah what's the line I've gotten out of voice now what's this there there was no last solution it was final uh the final do we just superimpose

this video in this scene so we don't have to watch it over and over again that must have been a hard day when they had concentration over and over again let's do it again let's have another take now let's cut

for lunch. Yeah, you put your body stand in on that one. Hey, speaking of Adolf Hitler, I can't find a better, well, we're talking about Auschwitz and so it doesn't take that many jumps to get to Adolf. He's about to win an election again. So a lot of people keep talking about the rise of fascism again. But in the nation of Namibia, there is a man who is currently running for president, and his name is Adolf Hitler.

Is it a coincidence or did he change his name? Adolf Hitler, here's the news story. Adolf Hitler may win tomorrow's upcoming election in Namibia, which I just, I mean, one of the great headlines to think Hitler didn't go to Argentina. He went to Namibia, Africa and has plotted his return. Namibia, of course, was once a German colony, so I'm starting to put that together. I realize... Look, if Hitler did escape and get to Argentina, he's long gone now, he's dead now.

It's like people always think that Elvis is still alive. Elvis would be in his 80s now. He'd be fucking dead as well. of us wouldn't have lived this long. The 59-year-old. Do you think Hitler did commit suicide on the, like, do you think his death was how it played out, how we were told? Yes.

Yeah, I think so. I don't know. They keep, remember Argentina said that they had some files about, you know, potentially that he was on a submarine out there to Argy, but I don't think so. I do think that his body was burned so the Russians couldn't use it as a relic. But who knows? Is anything true? anymore, everything feels a lot.

59-year-old Namibian politician was first elected in 2020 with a large margin in the Omumpanda constituency. Adolf Hitler, his full name is Adolf Hitler in Unonoah. Okay, so he's a black guy, right? Yeah, big fat black guy.

Does he have the moustache? He looks at Neda, he doesn't have the moustache. And the hair is, unfortunately, not right. Why would you change the fucking name and not do the moustache? I can look more like Hitler. the quicker than this guy, and I don't even have to change my name by depot. Like, grow the moustache and then just make that your calling card.

Yeah, Adolf Hitler in the Southwest African People's Organization, which has governed Namibia since it gained independence in 1990. The country's electoral commission predicts that he will once again secure the majority of the votes and will join a seat at the United Nations as Adolf Hitler, President of Namibia. Don't tell me we're not living in a simulation. I have a fat black guy from Namibia. Hello, my name is Adolf Hitler. Okay, okay.

You know what's funny? What you just did there... I have a big problem with Israel. What you're doing right now is going to be deemed more offensive than him calling himself Adolf Hitler. Like, everyone's going to go, did you see Amos's impersonation of Adolf Hitler? No, not the Adolf you think.

Black Adolf. My vice president is Herman Or Chochua. What a brilliant. So I guess his parents, because they're a German colony, liked, I guess they're. You can't put it any other way. His parents were huge Hitler. He was born out of Hitler.

Yeah. No. He had to change, surely. Hold on. Adolf Hitler, Namibia. I think. Yeah. If you Google out of Hitler.

you're going to get the other one. Adolf Hitler, Unonua, was named after the German dictator Adolf Hitler. Yes, I know who you was, yeah. Yeah, name by his brain. Here we go, he was asked a question. My father gave me the name Adolf Hitler, but it does not mean I have Adolf Hitler's character.

Mate, I changed my name from Jeffrey Nugent because it was too fucking difficult. Godfrey Nugent. If my name was Adolf Hitler, I wouldn't go, yeah, that's not who I am. Change your fucking name. Yeah, I'm Joseph Stalin

and I'm running for Prime Minister of Australia. Joey Star. Joey Star. He's all right, him. He's got some different opinions. Yeah, he does. But he's good. Man, I can't.

I can't imagine. But the fact that he kept the name and he has 85 people. percent of the votes. What does that say? Hello, everyone. I'd like to talk to you about Monarch. Look, how stressful

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because neither of us can escape the car at the time, but their feedback and advice is very little good. Very rarely do they give me anything good. But Ruler at $15, $15 for some of the sessions, and you can find the right guy for you as well. So you might find you're not viving with one. There's over 15,000 therapists. 10,000 therapists nationwide enabling you to find your own personal solution and the right

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We'd love to talk. Thanks to Jim and Amos at ATM. Go to ruler.com slash ATM. Don't rely us to cheer you up. Yeah, we would have hoped that our banter would make you feel happier, but it's fair to say, listening to this comedy show does make you feel a certain emptiness. Ruler.com forward slash ATM. I don't understand.

About Namibia. After other celebrities, right? Right? When you've got like, my name is after blah, blah, blah, some actor or something. A whole lot of people are called Brad because of Brad Pitt or a whole lot of people are called Mariah because of Mariah Carey or whatever, right? Yes. But the second name, if you called him Adolf, I can let that go. I'll just go, it's his first name. Adolf doesn't own the name Adolf.

But then you call him Adolf Hitler. Like, it's like there's a black director called Steve McQueen. now he's a very accomplished director right but he's not steve mcqueen steve mclean steve mcqueen and he's like oh my parents like steve mcqueen imagine if there's people down the street that go we're a big fan of yours amos our child's called amos gil yes that's mental and it's also like it's a bit on the nose where you want to call him adolf like you know yeah you're right just you know call him like seviuea adolf ononoa yeah exactly we just call him hitler adonoa Like, you don't have to, it's too on the nose, both.

What about Severe Fuhr? Yeah, yes. Be a little bit more deft with it. Yeah, make his middle name, final solution. Yeah, Nigel, hate the Jews, Onua. And our other boy, he's not the smartest kid, but we called him Auschwitz and his son, Duckow. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, sadly, Old Swiss says autism. It's very confusing. Yeah, so good luck to Adolf Hitler from Namibia. Hopefully his name is not a harbinger. Election, I hope he gives the country everything they need. I assume they're going to have a motorway that you can drive as fast as you can sooner or later. Yeah. There is so much famine in Namibia.

We must have a final solution to there. to their hunger. Yeah, yeah. Sure, he runs with stuff like that, a final solution to poverty. Well, speaking of food, they can start setting. A night of the long spears. I want to talk about this Campbell's Soup story. This story is insane that the head of Campbell's Soup, let me read the actual message.

The CEO. The CEO of Campbell's Soup. He's dropped the ball this week He's not the CEO He's just an executive My bad Oh, he's just an executive All right

Well, that's fine He's got nothing to worry about then Well, he's on the board You know I know But is he still on the board? Actually, he's on temporary leave This is talking about Campbell's soup

Now I've always thought That Campbell's soup Only kept alive Because of Andy Warhol's painting I've always thought It was a fucking average soup But because of Andy Warhol It sort of stayed

I can't remember ever eating camel soup when my mother just sort of like got the tube of it out a can of it went for it you ever eat it as a kid no the only soups that we had was uh from a tin our family was big on the like the hungry man soups or whatever you know with the big same principle same principle this is canned soup we have shit for fucking poor people who buys our who buys our shit i don't buy campbell's products barely out. anymore. He's a big fat fuck.

He's gone barely anymore. I still get some of it. You have to get some. I've never bought any of it, right? I don't buy Campbell's products barely anymore. It's not healthy now that I know what the fuck's in it. Bioengineered meat. Fuck.

This is, this is bioengineered meat. I don't want to eat a piece of chicken that came from a 3D printer. Bali allegedly suggests belittling Campbell's soups. ingredients he keeps going he also made derogatory comments about indian co-workers and according to the secret recording claimed he sometimes came to work high under the influence of marijuana so he's getting high and he still won't and he still won't eat campbell soup that's a fucking indictment man he works in a food factory and he's on edibles and he fucking is like nut bioengineered meat just shit fucking 3D printed chicken how do campbell's fucking i guess poor people still buy it i guess

that's the deal right you're poor you beggars can't be choosers right well yeah so certainly not targeted at people living you know around central park like but it is what isn't who who thinks otherwise like i mean the campbell soup to my family anyway you'd have 20 tins of that kind of shit, that would be kept randomly in the back of the pantry for up to 30 years because your family was always like, in case, in case there's Armageddon, we've got pumpkin and tomato soup. Well, it was always just tomato soup and they had a chicken, chicken noodleys type of and that was it from Campbell's.

What else do they make? They're not Heinz. I don't know. That's a very accurate point. I don't even, I haven't eaten Campbell's products. I can't remember ever eating Campbell's products. How much does it cost? What is it Campbell's?

Okay, let's play again. Let's see how out of touch I am with the common man. A can of Campbell's soup. $2.50 or one pound in the UK. A single can of Campbell's soup costs between $1 and $4. That's pretty good, $250. I was right on the money. You're very right of the money.

So, yes, it is. Also, get the fuck out of here. One and $4. Pick a fucking price. You can't be going into the store going, oh, but this is Waitrose. We charge more. Well, let's see what Walmart does,

because, I mean, if they're talking about where poor people go to shop, oh, yeah. I mean, look, you've got to give it for them right now at Walmart. 84 cents for cream of celery. $1 for cream of mushroom. So I take everything I said back. At 84 cents, I will eat 3D printer chicken.

I think that's a reasonable price. What do you fucking want in your Campbell's soup for 84 cents? Do you think the ingredients are going to be any good for 84 fucking cents? Yeah, Campbell's blended rats. That's worth over 84. Do you think, honestly, if they said... I've got to catch then. That puts in effort and manpower.

can you eat rat? I guess you can. We just have a vibe against them because of the plague. But if Campbell's was like, because people are poor, if Campbell's went, we are for poor people now, 50 cents, tin a rat. I said, would people eat that? I was with Hank and we walked past this restaurant today in Norway.

And I was like, let's go in there. It's got a really good soup. And he goes, well, what can I in there? What's going? What's going? And I said, Hank. I said, Amos ate whale in it. And he blew his fucking mind.

Did he try the whale? He was disgusted of me, was he? No, he was disgusted. He's like, aren't they endangered? Well, fucking the one that fucking Amos ate is. That one was. Yeah, I did have a bit of harpoon in mine. Okay, can I tell you what I've been doing with my poverty in New York?

Because New York is just like crazy expensive. If I ever see someone going, Oh, can you give me, can you give me a couple of dollars for some food? I'll give them 84 cents and go get yourself a warm soup. But dude, this is like a CEO of Campbell saying, I have foods for poor people and it's shit and it's too salty. It's unhealthy.

And, you know, that's like a comedian going, my audience is complete fucking retards. I get out there and give him slop and I'm like, I hate it. And I hear he's doing a Christmas special. I just give the mindless crowdwork slop, and they lap it up. No, I don't like shit in unconvenience. Let's get go. It's good, great.

Okay. So, you know how they said 3D printed chicken? So there's a lot of this happening now where there's countries. I think it's Canada, where they don't have to tell you anymore that it is lab-made meat. I didn't know we perfected lab-made meat. I thought we were close to lab-made meat and that they could. do it in small portions, but I didn't think they were doing it commercially. Because I always thought, oh, that'll be good.

Once they perfect that, then it'll be better for the environment because we weren't able to the methane from the cows and the killing of this and the this and the that and all the type of stuff, right? Environmentally, that'll be better. We want to use all the water and the resources, resources to feed the animal, to wash the animals, to whatever. I said this before, right? So the lab made meat that they're doing, they're working on like beef.

okay they want to replace beef i think they've fucked this up as a branding exercise because what is okay so what is the point of doing beef we've all had beef we've all the time if you want people to be interested i think this is what you need to do if you're a lab made meat company you don't start with beef you say you can keep eating your beef we're doing an endangered species range Gorilla Because no animal is being hurt It's just on the DNA Snow leopard sausages

Bold Eagle steak Gorilla Because there's no harm involved Taste very good I think we would have eaten this shit If it tastes good If guerrilla was really nice We would have given it a goat

Like do you remember You'd be too young for this Right Australians didn't eat kangaroo Until like the 90s It was in like dog meat And shit like that And everyone because of

skippy and because kangaroos are cute and because it's our national emblem, we never ate it. And then they just fancy restaurants started going and a kangaroo fillet. And now it's a very bog standard meat. Oh yeah. I got a kangaroo schnitzel in Adelaide that's knock your socks off. Yeah, very nice meat. Very nice meat. Okay. Oh, hold on. This is what McDonald's does with to launch Lab Made Meat. They, they released the double quarter panda. Double quarter panda. And it's two lab grown panda fillets. I'm just saying Yeah, the black-dyed bun

Just be interesting with it Because I think everyone's scared, obviously Because everything that's falsely created in some way God knows the cancers that we'll get from this Can't we, again, this might sound really stupid You ever remember the movie's Ireland Where it was like you and McGregor and Scarlett Johansson Were like bodies that they were on an island

And they were like bodies to have their organs harvest by their clones. Yes. And the people were taught that, oh, no, it's just, they're not like, they haven't got their minds or anything. They're just mindless bodies that are just sitting there waiting for you to have a heart or a liver or whatever, right? Can't we, for lack of a better term, get us cloned, mentally challenged cows and pigs

and stuff like that? So we're not killing the good ones. Oh, yes, because they're doing algebra right now. What do you mean? Well, ones that won't even know they're in pain. So that's, so you're just, this is your, instead of just being a vegan, you're like, let's make, let's make cows more retired. Special needs animals. Right.

Now, hear me out. I eat you out. Yeah. So, so you go, this isn't a free range chicken. This is a chicken that is dumber than the regular chicken. that's hard to that's hard to beat their lack of intelligence but yes if you go to the county fair they can play tic-tac-toe mate they're all right what can the chicken yeah they're not good at it they're just doing that but you can compete against them i think people are reading into that a bit

i know pigs are smart and no one likes eating octopus who's a who's a vegan because shut up piggy shut up quiet piggy yeah the octopus i know people get very upset about i saw octopus kebab the other day that was that was tough all you always order octopus when you shouldn't that's your big you always every time you go in a fancy restaurant and I have an octopus they always give you just large tentacle and you always look disappointed I don't know what it is about being in the Mediterranean I just keep I keep trying to make octopus happen for me like I'm always like this would be the time because I had it in Greece once and liked it I've been chasing it just like the whale I had that time in Bergen Norway I'm chasing a good version of it and it and it

ain't out there. You know what I'm doing that? You want to hear about poverty in my life, this new app that I'm using? You'll like this. I found a new, I found a new app through a friend who's also struggling. It's called Too Good to Go. Have you heard of this? No. Too Good to Go is an app where restaurants at the end of their day throw out, instead of throwing out their produce they didn't sell, they put it into a mystery box and sell it on this app for $5. So yesterday, I got one from a bakery. I was walking home from the comedy seller,

and they were selling all the food they didn't sell. And it was just a box of like 38 croissons that have kind of gone stale. I was like, oh, yes. Oh, yes, we love that. The old box. For five bucks. Five bucks.

Because they're going to toss it anyway. So they can get to the homeless. Instead that they, you're not going to give them the homeless, you're just going to dump it in the fucking bin. Yeah. You're going to have two croissons, go a little bit stale,

and Anacca's going to go, why'd you get so many croissons for? And you went five bucks, and then you're going to throw them out, right? Pretty, I mean, yeah, for the most part. That's why I'm looking also at like, so the pizza, you know, the New York pizza places?

Yes. They get rid of that at the end of the day. New York pizza is the most overrated food on earth. It's a, fucking pizza that's been cooked 30 minutes ago, sitting cold, they get a slice and they shove it back in the oven. It's reheated food and it's fucking average.

Yeah, listen, I have to, I tend to agree. I'm a Detroit-style pizza guy these days. So here's one. Whole Foods. $6, two bags of groceries. Close to expiration. Well, that's good.

Come on now. Jason Whitehead used to love that bit like in the supermarkets in Britain, where they have the stuff that's going to go off, where they've knocked it down to a pound. They have that section. Yeah. He would, that was,

he didn't need to go to the rest of the supermarket. He just shopped primarily in that section. I remember when I was at uni, the food court, dude, food courts in Australia, when you go to the Australia food court, at the end of the day, Chinese restaurants, which is do like their sweet and sour pork and fried rice,

and they'd already have it pre-packaged and it would just be only like $3. Yeah. I don't know how many times I got sick from that, but the cheapness inside me was always like, that meal tasted so much better than if you bought it for full price. Okay, so, so we, I used to go see the North Sydney Bears and what food do you eat at a rugby league game, you eat a pie, right? That's, that's the Australian equivalent of a hot dog.

The pie is the sport of food, right? Which, by the way, I was at the F1 in Vegas on the weekend. They were selling pies, Australian pies, $27 US dollars, but carry. on i just i mean it's fucking okay so back in the day a pie was five bucks and that was too much now i reckon there'd be 15 18 dollars something like that at the football right for a four and 20 12 bucks probably right yeah nine to 12 nine to 12 right so back when i was a kid by the way we are we are really aging as with two old white men talking about what prices used to be and are now no but okay so what would happen is i was never allowed to have a pie a warm pie

during the game. Forget that. You're not getting that. That's too expensive. You think I'm made of fucking money. You want a pie. You want to watch the sport and eat. Get the fuck out of here.

At the end of the game, the guy would put all the pies that he hadn't sold on the counter 50 cents each. So we had a pie in the car ride home. Brilliant. It's not, you know, it's how much saving did you make? Well, three bucks or something. My dad across the board,

across the whole family would have saved 20 bucks yeah i mean god bless the dad now that i now that i am a person who's struggling if i had kids right now yeah i really understand my father who i remember when we went to warner brother's world and my dad brought packed sandwiches and i was fucking roped at him all that he always brought food shitty cheese and veggie mite sandwiches and i just remember like truly feeling like me and a african child had something in common like that we were both brios you want brios here he comes fancy man he can't go to roll

oh you want gay bread do you that's what briosh is mate gay bread it's LG bread it's LG bread It's LGB B bread

LGB that's what that is mate Brio Well, I did a lot of, I did a lot of lying about my age. Like, you know, when you're, like, kids under 10 eat for free. And so you're like 13, you're like, 10. You know, like that? Now, I've got money.

I can afford food, right? But I have a four-year-old. And sometimes, and he's quite short, my four-year-old's quite short. His mother's short. Anyway, there's some places. where kids under two travel for free, kids under two, get on this for free, kids are, I can still call him two.

You know, he's about to turn three, but he hasn't turned three. I can still say he's two. It's very difficult with a four-year-old because they're very impressed about being four. So he'll just go, I'm four. And I'm like, he's a bit simple, this one. He doesn't know he's age.

No, you're not yet two. I don't know why I lie about that. What do I get out of it? I should have just pay for the food or the travel, but I feel like something that you get free. out of society that you have to milk as long as possible. It's like when I would vaguely shoplift from supermarkets where I'd go, the price of groceries are so expensive that I am, I'm sorry to tell you, I will be stealing this red onion.

And I just feel like I deserve the dollar discount I'm giving myself. Did you shop with onions? Over my time, I have been known to pilfer a piece here and there. Did you put a full onion in your pocket? Did you put it in a plastic bag? You know, just like not scanning it or something because, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you act like you scan it and you put it in the thing, it's in your bag with other stuff.

So you didn't, like, secretly put it in a bag. You know, because my fiancé is as moral as the day is long. Yeah, good person. We once, grew up with money, though. Yeah, grew up with money. We once were making a pasta. And I said, we'll make a shrimp pasta. And for whatever reason, I got the chili.

because I was going to cut up chilies to put in there and I just got the chili from the self-serve section there at Whole Foods or wherever it was and I just put it in my pocket and then when we got back to the house I start cutting the chili and Anika goes you didn't put that chili through the machine I go no I know I put it in my pocket

she goes it was like a dollar like what just pay for it I went eh just put in my pocket I've never Nick from a show shop with it from a supermarket or anything of that, but I am with you on the, if they get rid of all the checkout chicks and all the people who are meant to bag for you, if I'm bagging and I'm doing the job of the checkout person, they're saving so much money these days that I agree with that. So I took the chili, it was just the chili. There's a dollar.

She goes, I won't eat what you make. I've never been more turned off by you. I'm going to get my own dinner. I don't want anything part of this unless you go back to the whole foods, which is like close to our house and go, sorry about that. I forgot the chili. Did I pay for that? It was, and then she was like,

no, if you don't do it, I'm just like disgusted in you. I had to go back to fucking Whole Foods and go, I accidentally didn't pay for this chili. It's one of the more emasculating moments of my entire life. But also, look,

that's the thing with your missus. Every now and again, they'll give you the silent treatment and it's worth it, right? So, like, why don't you just go, okay,

and sit in the other room and have a good wank and watch your time? and watch your TV you want, watch a bit of sport. Oh, yeah, in that other room in our studio apartment. You can't have a relationship in a one-bedroom apartment. They don't work. You need a spare room for everybody.

Absolutely. Yeah, that's giving me the chills right now, thinking about that. But, yeah, I'll tell you, I had another awkward moment with Too Good to Go the other day. There's a girl here. I want to give them a shout-out. She owns a bakery in New York. She's Ozzy. It's called Tool Poppy.

I was walking, and as soon as I saw Tall Poppy, I went, that'll be Australian. And my New York friend said, what do you mean? And I said, well, every Australian is obsessed with Tall Poppy Syndrome. And they go, what's that? It's a fucking real thing, Tall Poppy syndrome. It's a real thing. And I said to her, why did you call it Tall Poppy? And she goes, well, you know, I was a baker in Melbourne, like I did culinary school or whatever.

And I said, I'm going to go to New York. And everyone went, you'll go under. They'd be stupid. you know how expensive New York is you'll fail your pastries that's where the best bakers in the world go and she was like you know what like fuck them everyone tries to pull you down so i've become a baker and i'm living my dreams in new york i thought is there any profession where this doesn't happen with Aussies must we Australians culturally if someone succeeds we have to cut them down i've experienced it i've spoken to uh Australian actors who are super famous people

and they have the same fucking things. And it's a syndrome that happens in Australia and New Zealand. In fact, Reese Darby called his sitcom short poppies. And it's a real thing. It's like so if a poppy grows taller than all the other poppies, they cut the head off it so it's the same height as everyone else. Yes. And America does not have the tall poppy syndrome.

And it's a real syndrome. America doesn't have that where you'll never fucking make it. You're fucking, who the fuck do you think you're a, An easy way to piss off Australians is to tell them what you're up to. So how's things going? I just did a movie. Oh, you're facking. So I've learned now, if Australians ask me, I just keep your mouth shut.

I just go, I don't know. What are you up to? Nothing. I'm not up to anything. My career's over. Ozzie's love that. I'm fucked. It's why I'm hosting a game show, mate.

It's all over for me. No, but that's what they do. I go back to Australia and host a game show and they go, it couldn't make it in America, huh? And I'm like, what, what, what have I fucking, most of the fucking? So, anyway, this lady who's baking, and I said, it's our joke between the two of us. Every time I go in there, I go, she reckons she's baking croissants. Yeah, why don't you go to Paris and see how good you are over there, wanker, you know? Yeah.

And so I go, I'll support you because she's not far from me. She does great croissons, tall poppy. Sadly, I saw Tall Poppy on too good to go. It's gone under. It hasn't gone under. everyone I know tells me it is like the best chocolate croissant in the city it is elite

she's doing fine but she's on too good to go and it was one of the more demeaning moments of my life after talking to her twice and buying her pastries for seven bucks that I turned up the other day and picked up my box of old croissants

from this girl who I said I would support and there I am going pick up for Amos five dollar box of the old stuff and like this and she's like this oh he's going to make it as a comedian in Manhattan.

Yeah, a little boy from Adelaide's going to tell jokes to the Americans, is he? You can see she was like, mate, go home. You're getting old, two-day-old chocolate croissants. But I was like, look, man, I can't be getting myself a $7 chocolate croissant every day. That's a level of self-love I don't have. Well, speaking of baked stuff, where's the teacher with the cupcakes? Where was she? Okay, good.

Look at you. You're finally getting into the business of sex. I've never known you so switched on. Louisiana teacher Cynthia Perkins sentenced after lacing students' cupcakes with ex-husband's sperm. Was it ex-husband sperm?

I'm going to guess that their exes now once this news came out. No, I think they would have been married at the time. Now that she goes to prison. I'll read you the story and then you can give us your reaction to this. Just quickly, if Anika got done for doing something down at Saturday Night Live

and she had to do it you know she had to live behind a wall for 10 years right she's she's taking a piss in michael chaise coffee yeah exactly she took your your misses squatted over uh fucking michael chase coffee and and michael chase drank the coffee and gone that's not whiskey right yeah and she has to go away for 10 years do you stand by or you go well that's the end of the relationship it was fun good luck in there. You go good luck in there, don't you? Good luck in there, yeah.

Good luck in there. I mean, you wait 10 years for a political prisoner, maybe, and even then. If you have kids with them, you go, we'll see what happens when you get out. Until then, I'll be a single person. Disgraced Louisiana teacher will spend decades behind bars asked a pleading guilty to horrific crimes against children and admitting to serving her students' cupcakes that contain sperm from her ex-husband who is awaiting his own trial on child's sex crime charges.

Oh, that's why she broke up with him because he's up to no good as well. But I think that, oh, yeah, no, yeah, no, I was thinking, because it must be a sex crime to feed children your semen. You think? Is that, are you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you're questioning this? Are you asking? Are you asking, everyone, no, I do have a Lord of degree. Are you asking if it's a sex crime to feed children your semen?

That's right, folks. You too could get a law degree from the University of Adelaide. It must be. If I was a betting man. If I had to go out and live, I would say. I don't know the criminal code of Louisiana, but my expert says, my expert opinion does tell me,

coming in a kid's mouth, no, no, no. Yeah, in court, I reckon they'd be like this. And to the judge, she laced 12 cupcakes filled with semen and the judges like this and that is wrong wrong wrong okay so talk me through this saliva that's wrong uh well it's hard to prove because you might have dripped some of your DNA like sweat there's like a video where it's like the teacher goes like fuck these kids and then how many years is that that's just firing i think i don't know if that's

You're not teaching anymore. You're not around to be around kids anymore. As soon as comes in. I think even if there was fecal matter in there, the fact that it was semen, I think you can put shit in there and you just get five years. I think you can get it. Yeah, five years. The semen adds this bizarre, long distance, like long distance.

I would even say vaginal squirt is only a couple of years. But semen, I'll tell you why. because at my age it's hard enough to come when you have a naked woman in front of you right let alone a bowl of batter and a jar of icing

in the kitchen with a cold silver mixing bowl it's just hard to do it standing do you think they were were they like already having sex and then she was like don't cover me don't cover me and then she pulls the bowl up

and puts it on her chest I well you don't have to come on a woman's chest you can just come off to the side so i think i think don't come in me don't come in me don't come in me i think i think i think he would have fucked her they would have had the bowl there and uh she's the maniacal bitch who thought it was a fun thing to be mean to these kids i think it was planned or you know did she in the court case go i didn't know oh here's let's i'll read the story let's see cynthia thirty six a great to plead guilty and testify against their ex-44-year-old.

Former Livingston Parish Sheriff Office is a SWAT team member. Dennis Perkins, who is charged with other dozens of child sex crimes, according to prosecutors. She was sentenced on Friday to 41 years at a hard labor camp without parole. Right. I don't want to be a cupcake carmapologist, but 41 years seems steep to me. The hard labor she's doing is in a pre-apeutic. prison kitchen, which I think is a mistake to put her in there. Perkins pled guilty to second degree rape, production of CP and conspiracy mingling of her.

So is... And you think that might be wrong, Amos. That may be wrong. So the husband is like a petter and he's like, I want to come in these kids' mouths. Can you do it? Can you make a cake and give it to him? So do you think it started from his derangement or from her? I think it started from his and that she...

She gets on board with whatever sick idea he has. It's always amazed me whenever you find out that there's a serial killer couple, right? When you see a couple, like the Bernies in Western Australia or what's the name, Rose in the north of England, Fred, Fred and Rose West, right? These people who kill as a couple because you can't come up in your first date. you have to you have to work up to saying that you know what i mean like oh we should have sex we should have a threesome yeah we should have a threesome with some with some girls yeah we should and then you go and then i can slit their throats yeah well well well look at this wait to see if there's a laugh coming back and if they say nothing you go i'm serious so you see what

happened dead set this couple they've got evidence now that this couple so obviously i've done the thing we always do, which is you read the headline, you're like, this teacher's laced cupcakes, was sperm, she's had a horrible day at the office, she hates these kids, and she's done the most grotesque thing. No, this couple's been involved in, like, molesting children. Beyond that, there's photos of them posing their children. But you're saying this isn't a hard-uping stories. So what I'm saying about this story is, just kill them. I really, I really have started, I've just, I think some people just need to be killed. It does go against my principles of liberalism. I'm not one for the death penalty. But then I really, I really have started, I've just, I've just, I've

I go, that doesn't need to be in the gene pool. That needs to be an example. I'm not big on the death penalty. I think killing people makes us no better than the person who did it. I'm all for castration, though. If you're a pedophile or something like that, fucking cutting the balls of somebody. And I bet you there's a lot of people who are pitophiles who probably up for that themselves. I know an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

But maybe when they're in prison, they have to eat cupcakes full of come every day. also oh no no no i'm all look hopefully that man is in prison as well and he is just getting cum-filled food all day i hope i hope that every course of food he has has an element of come you like cum-filled cupcakes eh well why not have all the cum-filled cupcakes in the world do you have that scene in simpsons donuts just keep going in his mouth okay and with you meal you have mashed potato there's no potato these are creamy i hate dodgy match this excellent oh well that was it that was a nice grim one uh to go through i've got a i can't believe i started that segment with is that a crime honestly i should have been kicked out of law school at week one

last story before we go because i know you've got to get to a show now don't you in oslo i got 13 more minutes okay uh i want to say two things that are non-comedy related but i just have to get out um hey fuck you basball and it was did you watch the ashes oh oh i you get to be in england for it i can't watch the ashes because the ashes won too late at night and i'm with all the british people i'm going to be in australia for christmas so i'm going to be able to watch the Boxing Day test live. Two days. Now, for Americans who don't know, test match cricket, a game is a five-day game.

You can't end the game sooner if you get everyone out. This game was over in two days. Both teams look shit. Australia looked okay in the second inning. And they'll do all this stuff. It was in Perth. The Wicked's very firm. The ball bounces a lot, et cetera, et cetera.

but it was I think the state of international cricket is pretty piss week at the moment. Have you seen the fat fuck who plays for the West Indies? No, I haven't. There's nothing wrong with an obese cricket player.

There is a nice... Wait. Okay. Nothing wrong with... Hey, quiet, piggy. How do you spell Indies? All right. His name is Rakeem Cornwall.

He weighs over 300 pounds. Yeah, he plays international sport. They call him Crickets Mountain. He's all right. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with being a big fat fuck. Listen, as long as you get your eye in and put together innings instead of trying to slug it. There he is. That guy threw me out of a nightclub a week ago.

I like when he's when he's in the in the actual colorful outfit he's 300 pounds he's a fucking he goes he got him he got him yes he certainly eats the pies

at the stadium during the game and on the way home gym all right so anyway I just had to say to our English people out there what a fucking embarrassing meant your ashes cricket team was and driving on the up in perth is not smart and you know the english this is how arrogant they are under stokes they normally would go and play the president's 11 as like a warm-up game when they come on to it the president the prime minister's 11 and god i've

become an american it's repulsive isn't it uh and um they've opted not to they're going to just take some downtime and everyone like michael vaughn and all the other english greats are saying like you got your ass kicked you need to get used to the conditions of the pink bull like day night game and they've opted against it. So I hope we whitewash them 5-0 and we can put an end to this nonsense slugger out they've been doing down there. I was performing in Birmingham, which is a big cricket town.

Birmingham was a big cricket town. And there's 3,000 people there at the show. And it was the day after the cricket had ended. And no booze. Now, I couldn't have picked the worst time to be touring England than when Australia playing England in the Ashes if England are good.

I lived here years ago. I've told this story before, but I'll tell it again. But I was... 2005? 2005. I'm on stage. One of the greatest Ashes series ever.

If not for the rain, I think Australia would have won it, but Shane Warren's last hurrah, he was unbelievable. It was something else, right? England had a great cricket team as well. About a year earlier than that, that also won the World Cup in rugby with a guy called Johnny Wilkinson who could

kick penalties and drop kicks from fucking miles away, right? I was a clubbing club act around London. My life was a living hell, a living fucking hell. Every time I got on stage, the ashes, the ashes, Johnny Wilkinson, Johnny Wilkinson, like that, right, that go fucking mental and go okay okay settle down and if i fought back the audience would boo and stuff so i just seems to have to take it up the ass everywhere i went right one night i'm in london and i'm on like my fifth show of the day of the night it's about one a m i get into a comedy club i get in the comedy store in london and the mc's there and i said don't tell them i'm from australian i can't handle it anymore it's too much it's too much i said i said tell them i'm from new zeal

England. No problem. I got to go on stage. The comedians are all away from New Zealand. Please welcome Jim Jeffries. I get up there. I'm having a great set. Everything's going fine. It's the first time in months I haven't been booed on stage. Oh, wonderful. I'm going well. But in the third row, there's a very large Maori fella. And he's just looking at... Oh, bro, where are you from? And I was there and he goes, not true. I could just see this, not true. And I was killing and I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're lying, not true. And he's never, he goes, he's not from New Zealand.

He's an Australian. Fuck, the crowd went fucking bananas on me. I was like watching someone like going to like, like, let off a bomb or something. I was like, no, no, no, stop, stop. That's the only, you know, when people go, have you ever been booed off? I was booed off.

I thought they would, you could have just rescue that by saying, yeah, I pretend to be Kiwi because you guys have dominated us so badly. That would, that would plague me. Mate, the English are the worst winners on earth. They're pretty good losers, terrible winners. You've never lived, you've never lived here during Australia losing. Well, a good thing that the entire.

empire is folded and the UK is almost no long for the planet but yeah oh the UK that the UK will never end mate it'll be around forever the UK I think it's best years are ahead of it even though it used to run the wall yeah I miss I miss British people with a bit of pomp and arrogance about them everyone I talk to now is the mopias every time I go to the UK every one I talk to you country's gone to shit mate it's over mate that's commonwealth countries right So my dad was telling me that Australia had gone to shit in the 1980s. This country is stuffed. It used to be a good country.

It's stuffed, right? And he's still saying, oh. There's a reason me and Gary get along. It's ruined this country. It used to be a good country. So either it was good or it wasn't. We met Mark Meduka and he was like, oh, Australia in the 80s, how good was it? Right.

And I'm like, I can't remember it being that much different. I guess it was. I don't know. Well, everything's better in memory. Why don't we end on a UK story then? Okay. Here's one that I saw about the UK, because we know that they're a little,

they have become a little hot on the button for offensive language. You know, they have a lot of people going to jail for Facebook posts and whatnot. This one, I don't quite understand. Assault victim convicted of hate crime for calling attacker a mean word. Here we go.

UK's legal system recently convicted a mother of four for calling a man a faggot after he viciously attacked her. The beating landed her in the hospital. Aspiring nurse Elizabeth Kinney used the dirty word to describe her assault her in a text message to a former friend who reportedly snitched her to authorities for the crime of using bad language.

Police have charged her with malicious communication offences. She bled guilty to sending offensive, indecent, obscene or menacing messages and faces a 12-month community order, 72 hours of community service, 10 rehab activity days and a 364-pound fan. So this woman got beaten and goes, this faggot beat me and then she got that. Could you imagine if the authority's got our text messages?

I'd be in prison for sending you pictures of my shits. That's much worse than the F word. Mate, you want to talk about every, those kids had to eat cupcakes with come once. I've got to see your shit once a week. I was looking back. I was looking back through some old texts of ours, and I was like, he has real reason to be upset.

Like, if things go south of us, and we had like a deposition, and I said, he made me look at his poo. Oh, look, we know that I had a person in my life who did something like that to me, which I don't want to talk about, but, yeah, you have way more fuel than that. Really, like, because, like, as friends, you know, you'll be like, have a look at this shit I took. I mean, it's one of the worst I've ever done. And I sit and I go, oh, let's be mates shit.

Oh, gross. But if you collect it all and then out of context, many years later, you go, he was my boss. And I relied on him for work. And if I didn't look at his fecal matter, there was a feeling that my career would be over. And he could destroy me in Hollywood. He had so much leverage over me. And so I would stand there and I would look at his poo. I get a tissue.

You know what the biggest problem with me setting your pictures of my shit is? This is the biggest problem. You never respond with a joke. You always just leave the, you always just leave the text just sitting there. I normally call you and go, that's fucked. I never,

well, I don't send you back any pictures of mine. I don't. Well, I've sent Jack, and Jack's on the phone. I've sent Jack one picture of my shit, the one with a chip and the olive.

And that was at his request. He asked to see it. Isn't that correct, Jack? I love that photo. There we go. We have evidence. If he ever fucking turns, if he ever turns, and he says that I send him a shit with a chip and an olive in it. I'll never get you for that.

That's never something I would do. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. The way that Jack said that, like the intonation of that would go on to suggest that he's like, but I'll get you on some other stuff. I feel like that's how I feel that's how a lot of people leave jobs these days. And on the last day, we'll work by Sue, and then we're all done. See, okay, the person who beat the woman up, now he might be a homosexual because he didn't rape her from all accounts. I mean, I'm not saying that heterosexuals do that.

I'm just saying that it was a domestic thing. It wasn't a sexual thing, correct? Yeah, I don't know. I'm just, it didn't rape her, so he has to be gay. That's, yeah, that came out wrong. You're essentially saying, in for a penny, in for a pound. It pounds the road. Yeah, woman, I yeah, UK.

I think she just got bashed, dude. Right, so he beat this woman up. She texts her friends. I'm saying this word in context. She says to her friends, this faggot beat me up. Then the friend goes, oh, I've got nasty texts on Cheryl, don't I? Ooh, I think, gait, now I'm all for the death penalty. You fucking bring it back for this cunt.

You fucking, even frenemies, if you're in a friend group, or whatever, even if it's someone who you don't particularly like, but if you're in a group and you've known this person socially, fucking grasses. It's a whole generation of fucking rats and grasses. Like fucking white, don't grass, but no one likes grass. But every group chat in the world, you say some things to your friends,

some nasty attacks on people, athletes, particularly my group chat that I have for Premier League, the things that me and my friends say about, players that have let us down. You know, come on now. Career enders. The next president of the United States from my generation has said things in a group chat that is horrible.

I was very hesitant to let you in on our fantasy NBA draft. I knew it would end in tears. It wasn't the sport for you. You'd be good with like Icelandic fishing drafts. That would be a thing that you could do. I've already slid back down to near the bottom. It's just not. I don't.

My problem is I don't really. Watch the NBA. So my team is just full of people who were good in 2010. I'm like, LeBron, KD, Kyrie Irving, Chris Paul. Kauai Leonard. Jowai Lennard. That's my team. But I'm very worried about, let me tell you about the future.

What did you say? Jimmy Butler. I have Jimmy Butler as well, yeah. Yeah. It's not good. Your team's the only team that have special bus passes. the uh you know people like grassing on you i think i think about it and i don't want to this is my conspiracy is we all know that some kind of social credit system is coming

where we get evaluated as human beings and they can close off our bank account our digital currency if we're you know misbehaving poor people you know i really do think pretty soon our rooms you know in east germany rooms got bugged so a lot of houses were bugged and they could try listen to what you're saying to speak our house they're already bugged with alexes and series what i'm saying is we have willingly bugged ourselves in the past the uh secret police had to break into your house to bug you now we've bugged ourselves and are you telling me that you don't say some crazy shit once in a while and your smart fridge isn't collating that data to send to the fbi to go this guy's really racist and he says homophobic transphobic

or he said things about the president. He said that he hates Donald Trump and wants to fucking kill him or something and it's not filing data. Literally, not to ape on a stand-up joke of mind, your kettle will become a whistleblower against you in your own home. Does that ever,

you ever think about that? Your phone is listening? They used to go out the Nazis, and people told on other people and kids were to tell them their parents. And I'll talk about none of that stuff anymore. You're just going to be done. People who just know the type of person

you really are, that's going to be unfortunate. But that means like you're going to have to speak in a politically correct manner at all times of the day. Even if you stab your foot, that's unfortunate. The writing will be on the wall. You just put all the offensive words

up on a wall and just point at them. That's what you are. That one. Well, we've got to go. You've got to go and eat whale. Introduce your son to it. what's that introduce your son to some whale this evening oh he won't bloody eat the whale

these kids today they're soft but no he's not going to eat well but it's good though I haven't seen my boy in a month he's grown taller and everything and it's like I haven't seen him in over a month and so it's been wonderful is he watching your comedy or is he on the iPad he's allowed to watch it

this is the first show he's allowed to watch it now no I knew you were letting him I'm just saying is he interested it was more about him I think he is I don't think he is and by the age that he is interested where he could bring his friends and stuff

I'll be just like fucking like an old dude where their friends would be like I remember when my nieces first started coming at like 16 to the show and I always felt a bit weird about that

they'd bring their friends and stuff and I'd be like hello everyone you know what I mean so it'll be even more awkward with my own child I believe well let's finish up with a couple more tour dates. I know we did it at the beginning, but you're still in Europe,

and I'm joining you very soon. Very soon. Goet at Jim jeffreys.com for those tickets. And for me, Amosgill.com for my European shows. And New Yorkers. We're coming. Beacon Theatre. Come on now.

Beacon Theatre. If you want to get a great Christmas gift, tickets to shows are great Christmas gifts. Right? You put him in a card. Oh, but Jim, I can't afford the tickets. Well, eat some kids. Campbell's Soup for a week.

Yeah. Or the very, or you can just watch Amos's set on that app that Amos has for five bucks. Then you have to leave the theater. I sell my tickets on Too Good to Go at 10 p.m. every night. No, most people who don't come to my show are too good to go. All right. Jim, good luck in Norway. Ah, good fucking.

Wushenna, na, flicka de binkin. Biggie, binky. All binkie. Good night, destroyer.