I Don't Know About That - ATM: Episode 45 - The Brooklyn Beckham Sob Story

Episode Date: January 21, 2026

At this moment, Jim and Amos show massive amounts of empathy for Brooklyn Beckham. They also discuss Australia's new hate speech laws, Michael Rapaport, and Zohran Mamdani's new bidet. Jim's special "Two Limb Policy" is out now on Netflix! ADS: Monarch: Use code ATM at http://www.monarch.com in your browser for half off your first year. That’s 50% off your first year at http://www.monarch.com with code ATM. Shopify: Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at http://www.shopify.com/ATM SOCIALS: Jim Jefferies Website: ⁠https://www.jimjefferies.com⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/jimjefferies⁠ FB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/JimJefferies⁠ Twitter: ⁠https://twitter.com/jimjefferies⁠   Amos Gill IG: @abitofamosgill FB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/AmosGillComedy/⁠   Theme Song: "Rein It In Cowboy" by the Doohickeys

This episode is sponsored by Monarch. This new year, achieve your financial goals for good. Monarch is the all-in-one tool that makes proactive money management simple all year long. Use code ATM at Monarch.com for half off your first year. That's 50% off your first year at Monarch.com with the code ATM. In 2026, stop waiting and start selling with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trail and start selling today at Shopify.com slash ATM. Go to Shopify.com slash ATM.

That's Shopify.com slash ATM. Hear your first this new year with Shopify by your side. Hello everyone. Welcome to At This Moment with me, Jim Jeffries. I am being co-hosted by. Amoskill. There is. Look at that.

We finish each other's sentences. It's unbelievable. It's so good. I'm back in Tallinn, Estonia. And Jim, we just finished the podcast where we talk obviously about Greenland. We talk about the Beckham family feud. Oh, it's been terrible. terrible hardships.

It's a true hardship for Manchester United fans everywhere. Hate speech in Australia? We've got it all. We play a fun game, which you should stick around for, which is, is this hate speech? We'll let you guys decide. But before we get into the episode, we are on the road. I am going to Denver, Colorado to film my comedy special, Feb, 12, 13, 14 and the comedy works.

Get out there, Denver people. I'd love to see you at that one. Also going to be in Helsinki, the day after. this comes out and also in Warsaw. Jim, I added the extra show in Warsaw. Well, congratulations. Congratulations. Not good.

Oh, yeah. Well, it still added on. You can come and see me at the Beacon Theater in New York on January 31st. Also in February, I'll be in Las Vegas at the Plaza Theater. Same weekend as the Rugby League. I'm going out to see Rugby League. And there's other dates, Hershey, Pennsylvania. What else we got, Jack?

Well, just other, oh, New Zealand. I'm coming to New Zealand like a week, so see you then. Let's start the show. You do with the pod? All right, everybody. It's the second week in January, very exciting time. Who's going to play in the Super Bowl? No one knows that the answer to any of these questions.

I know it's not going to be your Chicago Bears. I sent you a little tweet. Look at us all American talking about American football. Yeah, you are needlessly needily. You don't even like football. You know I love the Chicago. Cargo Bears and you go, should have gone for the Rams, bitch. Should have gone for the Rams, bitch.

And I did it before the field goal. Just that was how cocky I was. I didn't do it after the field goal. They hadn't won at that stage. I just went, ah, he's going to kick this. I thought I'll give you a little thing. My missus was at the game. My missus was at the game.

She flew in perfect. The whole family went. Running back, in she? She's not quite got the frame. In my life, the quarterback. but she, you're the defensive tackle laying yourself.

She tells me where I've got to be. So she went along, all the family had gone along. I was watching the vibe there in Chicago because they've been shit for so long. I was in the airport lounge flying over to Europe for my tour here. One of the great experience,

I love when a football game is tight and casuals even are getting involved. At the airport, they're all standing around that like little tiny restaurant. on the screen with like a Chili's and everyone's peering into the Chili's. I've been there. Yeah, it was wicked.

And, you know, when Caleb Williams threw that, you know, that fade away running back last seconds, the cardiac bears to tie up the game, man, it was like, there was like Chinese businessman that clearly didn't know what were going on who were like jumping up and down, slap it on the tables, only for the bears in the end to cough it up and go down. So I really got into the NFL this season. It does help when your team's half okay. Yeah, it's all right. teams have okay, but also let's give a shout out to Chicago and how stupid they are for not

putting a roof on a stadium. I was watching everyone at that stadium. That's their, that's their special feature is because the LA players, you know, have to try and adjust the big in the cold. Yeah, yeah, they get drafted to Chicago. They didn't all grow up in Chicago. Half of them grew up in California. Most, most of them grow up in Hawaii football players, right? And that, really? Yeah, there's some high school that has the best, I don't know, whoever the blockers are. Hawaiians are big people. There's, now I'm going to get done for hate speech in Australia. I've become, I'm a birther in the NFL movement.

I'm like, who's born in Hawaii? Where were they born in Hawaii? Show me the birth certificates of these players who were born in Hawaii. Yeah, there's that guy who thought he had the girlfriend, he didn't have the girlfriend. He was Hawaiian. Anyway, they're not used. Why don't you put, okay, for the players, that's one thing to go, oh, the players are already.

It's the same as I think the Denver Nuggets and will the Colorado Rockies and all this. I think they kind of cheat and playoff situations. Because of the altitude? I think that's kind of cheating, especially for basketball because they come the night before. If it's a game of seven, they don't get a little break and everything. It's not enough time to get your altitude wings. What is it? Climatized.

What's the word? I guess acclimatized. Acclimated, acclimated. Acclimated. Acclimated. acclimated. Have you been watching traders? Do you watch traders? I don't know a single thing about it.

But I have watched the Australian Parliament vote for hate speech laws, so I feel like they're a bunch of traders. Okay, so Michael Rappapore is on traders, right? And he is a piece of work, Michael Rappaport. You're just coming to this understanding now? Yeah, but he speaks of himself in the third person

when someone goes, you're a traitor. Me? Michael Rappaport, I'm a fucking trader. You're saying I'm a fucking traitor. You're saying I'm a fucking traitor. Michael Rappaport like this, right? Anyway, he goes like this. he goes, what's the term when you go to a funeral, eulogize, what's the one that starts with, oh, we start with C, what's the thing when you eulogize a person? Commiserate, commiserating, right? He doesn't know what the word commiserating is.

He goes, he goes, you're two things. You seem right across it. He goes, he goes, but I'm not on the show. He goes, he goes, you're two things that begin with C, you're, commiserating, a coward, like this. And everyone's like, what the fuck's he talking about? He might be as dumb as a rock, I'll rap, a poor. Anyway, my point is, there should be a roof on the stadium, not for the players,

but for the poor cunts in the stadium who was standing. You couldn't even see him. It was, like, our creator could have been fans. I think you've forgotten about alcohol and how little you feel. Like, look, have you ever been to see Newcastle play? They were wearing mittens. They were wearing mittens and they all had their feet. faces covered. It was well below zero. If you had your lips out, it would freeze. You can't even

get the alcohol to your mouth. If you had your alcohol, it would freeze over. So I was, I was watching in the airport lounge and I was coming over here to, I had a first show in Prague. Commiserations. Commiserations indeed, because it was a three-hour delay, which meant I was going to miss my connection, was probably going to miss my shows in Prague. Dude, I had my first what is it? It was January 18. I had my first crash out of the year where the delay after delay, and I was trying to get re-booked on connecting flights. And I got a reconnection. And I thought, okay, good, I'm still going to make the shows.

I go up to the lady at the desk, you know, at the gate. Yeah. They're always pleasant. I said, just, just checking. So we're three hours behind. I've got this connection at 1.30. Now, it says right now we're scheduled to land at 1245. Do you think we'll make it like, do you think, are we actually taking off when you say?

Or do you think it'll be a bit longer? And then she goes, well, we're going to have. to de-ice the plane and that could take from anywhere between 10 minutes to an hour. And I go, well, that's a fucking big difference between 10 minutes and an hour. And then she went, oh, I don't need to be sworn at. I said, I'm not swearing at you. I'm swearing at the situation. And then the lady who was next to her rolled her eyes big, right?

Big roll of eyes. Like huge, huge, like not subtle, like a big, ugh, like that as I was talking. And normally I would just be like, what a bitch and walk away. I went, what's the eye roll for? And then as soon as it came out of my mouth, I was like, I'm doing it now. I go, what's the eye roll? And she goes, I was just rolling my eyes, sir, because I couldn't believe what a difficult day you're going to have.

And I thought, whoa, what a difficult day. So I was sympathizing with you by like, you're right. How come we don't know how long it takes the de-eyes? I said, I don't think that's what those eyes were. I think you're making fun of me when I'm actually having a very difficult. difficult time here. And I don't appreciate the eye roll. Why don't you keep your eyes still? And when I turn my back, then you can roll away. I thought, oh my God, I'm a fucking psychopath. It's hard, though. It's hard though in the airport. I had, I had a blank. Remember that time that I

told you I had double sinabund? Like what happened? I had a sinabund in my, in my layover. And then they delayed the plane. All of the, all the stores closed. And then six o'clock in the morning came up again. And Cineabon reopened. And I spelled them again. I had two Cineabunds. Two synod buns in the one airport. Double bund. They really need to have that in the system where they say, sorry, sir, it's a 24-hour wait for your next one here. Anyway, I did that thing where I said, I'm sorry here,

but you haven't given anyone any water. You haven't told us what's going on. Well, I don't know, sir. I said, the communication is being dreadful. I'm doing all this type of stuff, right? And then a guy after me comes up and he goes, he's with his kids, and he's like, he goes, this is how you actually speak to people. And he's like, madam, where can we see?

set and she's like just over there and he goes you see that's how you do it and i'm like can't i just got 25 000 miles out of these people don't bloody you know you got to be a little bit what did that accomplish yeah exactly exactly you got to cause a scene you got to cause a scene caroline nugent my mother when customer service people went oh we can't honor that voucher i was just like you're fucked up here can't there's no way you're getting out of this store alive just give her the money now you got to she's got to manage the store at the end of this conversation well let's get straight into a topic because you brought up your mother and I called you before and said, I want to talk about family stuff because of the Beckams.

Yeah, there's big issues happening in the world. Greenland, Australian hate speech laws, all sorts. Israel, Palestine. But the Beckham situation. The other place, they're not getting along. It's all happening. Well, I'm next door. I'm in Estonia.

Oh, you're in Ukraine? I could get a three-hour car ride to St. Petersburg. You could throw a stone from Estonia. So here's what's happening in gossip world. David Beckham's son. You know, you've been following this, I'm estranged to my son's stuff. I've been following Brooklyn Beckham.

He married a woman who his family, was richer than the regular Beckham's, who could believe that. He has sided with her family and decided to join that family, and there's been some complications. Is that sum it up? Yes, pretty much. Now, her family owns, what are the peltsers? I think they own, is it like Heinz or something like that? Okay, so they own ketchup. Let's just say for the sake of argument. They're billionaires, right?

They're billionaires. Yes. It's from a billionaire family. Okay. So they've been married and it seems like they've fallen out of late with the Beckham family. They're not appearing any of the Beckham events. There's always some documentary that's coming out. Yeah, but also didn't show up to his father being knighted. That's right. And that really started off. And then he, I noticed David Beckham did a post where it was like, I just want my kids back when we love you. We love you, Brooklyn. And your family matters.

And there hadn't been a word back. So Brooklyn, Brooklyn, who's famously named after where he was conceived. Is that what it was? That's where he was conceived. Like my son, Dubbo. I have been silent for many years, says Manchester's Prince Harry. That's what we're going to call him.

I have been silent for years and made every effort to keep these matters private. Unfortunately, my parents and their team have continued to go to the press, leaving me with no choice but to speak for myself and tell the truth about some of the lies that have been printed. I don't want to reconcile with my family. He does not want to reconcile with the family. Now, that's pretty heavy. I'll take his spot just for the inheritance. I'd be, I'd be David and Posh's kid to show him. Now, you've had a difficult childhood and I know a lot of people that have. I have, yeah. I, at no point was like, I don't want to reconcile with my family. I keep on coming back, baby. No, no, I, my mother was

always in perpetual amounts of sickness where I thought, she'll die this year. I've got to live it out. I've got to stick it out. I've got to stick it out. Too much skin in the game, right? But, you know, what's his, what's his complaints? Has there been physical abuse, emotional abuse? What's happened? He's that a difficult life, Brooklyn. Oh, yes. People like you and I couldn't understand this. Brooklyn had it a little tough. He says, for my entire life, my parents have controlled narratives in the press about our family, the performative social media posts, family events, in in inauthentic relationships have been a fixture of the life I was born into. Recently, I've seen with my own eyes the lengths they'll go to to place countless lies in the media,

mostly at the expense of innocent people to preserve their own facade. But I believe the truth will come out. My parents have been endlessly trying to ruin my relationship since before my wedding, and it hasn't stopped. My mum cancelled making Nicola's dress in the 11th hour, despite how excited she was to wear her design, forcing her to urgently find a new dress. Oh, God. Before I'm getting flashbacks to my childhood.

Hold on, this might actually help. You were trying to do some of the music. I had a name. Weeks before our big day, my parents repeatedly pressured and attempted to bribe me into signing away the rights to my name, which would have affected me and my wife and our future children. By the way, you don't have a name. Your name is your parents' name. Yeah, and Brooklyn's already been named by Brooklyn.

Nothing about your name. Both Brooklyn and Beckham, you inherited, you little shit. And your middle name, Bend it, like. Brooklyn, Bend it like, Beckham. So, here we go, he goes, this is amazing to me. He says, they were adamant of me signing before my wedding date, because then the terms of the deal would be initiated. My holdout affected the payday, and they have never treated.

me the same since. During the wedding planning, my mum went as far as to call me evil because Nicola and I choose to include my nanny Sandra and Nicola's nanny at our table because they both didn't have husbands. Both our parents had their own tables equally adjacent to ours. This is hard stuff. I can see both sides of the coin here and why everyone's so upset. Well, the night before our wedding, members told my family that Nicola was not blood. that she wasn't family. Since the moment I started standing up for myself with my family, I've received endless attacks from my parents,

both privately and publicly, that were sent to the press on their orders. Even my brothers were sent to attack me on social media before they ultimately blocked me out of nowhere this last summer. Sending messages through tattoos, I imagine. Here's my favorite line, which asks a lot of questions that I don't know will ever get the answer to.

We need to track down Gary Neville, because I think maybe he was, there. Here we go. Last line of the fence, Gary Neville. Because Gary will stand with David no matter what. No, no, David, David is all right. David's fine. This is this big one. My mum hijacked my first dance with my wife, which had been planned weeks in advance to a romantic love song. In front of our 500 wedding guests, Mark Anthony called me to the stage, where in the schedule he was meant to be planned to do a romantic dance with my wife. But instead, there was my mum. waiting to dance with me instead of my wife.

Also, she danced very inappropriately on me in front of everyone. I've never felt more uncomfortable or humiliated my entire life. That's for behind clothes doors. What do you mean she danced? Did she give him a lap dance? Well, we all know how posh bites dance. It's all dance dance and then poised with your leg cut out. Like, if you want to be my lover, snap.

Got to get with my friends. Snap, right? Good of that. have done that. So it was meant to be a first dance between the couple and then supposedly posh has come in and gone, you don't know how to tease this boy? You reckon she brought her own pole, just put it up there. She's got an Allen key. Get ready. I'll tell you what he wants, what he really, really, really wants. He wants his mum. He wants a really, really, really what to. So after that horrifying ordeal where his mum rubbed.

their ass on him or something. Like, how bad did it have to, because it didn't come out? How many other spice girls were at the wedding? Because you've got to assume that there were other spy girls there, maybe all the spies girls. What table did they get to sit on? Because if you call them not blood, then I, this is a hill that I'm willing to die on. Once a spice girl, always a spice girl.

Well, after that horrifying ordeal, Jim, Brooklyn says, we wanted to renew our vows so we could create new memories, good memories of our wedding day. That would bring us joy and happiness, not anxiety. old is he? How old is he? 26. 26. Fucking hell, mate. Oh, mate.

This is, this is only your first wife. This is only your first one, mate. Just, all right. I'm on page three of seven here, so I'm going to keep trucking. Keep trucking. She's 31. This is her only. She's going to get one, two kids out of you, then give you the flick, mate,

live off all the rich things. And then you're going to have to fucking tattoo sorry across your forehead to go back and see your dad. My wife. has been consistently disrespected by my family. No matter how hard we've tried to come together as one, my mum has repeatedly invited women from my past into our lives in ways that were clearly intended to make us both uncomfortable.

Like the nanny? So apparently, like his ex-girlfriend, Posh would invite her around to be with Romeo, the younger brother-law. She's a good girl. She's a good gal. Be with Romeo. Do you remember, Nicola, this was his ex.

Romeo. Romeo. If that is true, that's, that's psychotic. Yeah, look, look,

look, let's, for a second, okay, so, so we both have similar mothers, except my one's dead,

right? But apart from that, and your one was good looking and my one was mum. I was going to say, my mum saw a picture of Carolyn, she'd,

yeah, yeah, you're, we had the same mum, but your mum in a sumo suit was my mum, right?

Right? So my mother hated every girl I ever, liked them for about six, months, hated them for three months, and then just decided to get along with them after that. I don't ask for much, but I will tolerate the myth of the room, but I don't want to cause

trouble, right? But every other, every other mother-in-law was like, so the girl's parents, they were always bitches. The girl's mother was always a bitch. She comes from an awful family. Oh, yes, that bitch. She's out here to get what she can get, isn't she? She's trying to take what she can take, that bitch, right?

This does seem like a lot of, a lot of like she's tearing you away from our family. Okay, but there's, there's that. The wife is doing the, I'm your family and they don't want me around so you have to cut them out. I don't think there's not a family in the world that hasn't experienced that. There's the Amy Schumer joke, which is the, about the mother going, but I wanted to fuck my son, right? You know, like, so these women get very attached to their sons and they think that they're perfect in every way and no woman is ever good enough for them. And now Brooklyn, who has found himself a bird who's a little bit older, but nothing scary, and who also has a ton of money so she can't lord over the whole, we give you this,

we give you that. She has no control over the situation. And posh spices lost her shit a little bit and gone, I'm not designing the dress for that, bitch. Now, is it worth a big family breakup? No, it's worth a couple of arguments. And, you know, all you've got to do, Brooklyn, take it from an old man. get your mrs pregnant, have a baby with her, and then hold the baby hostage all the time.

Every time your mum flares up, you go like this, well, you're not seeing the baby. Oh, the women love the grandchildren. They fucking love them. They're mad for them. They've dreamt about them their whole lives, right? Don't take the baby away from me. Please don't take the baby. Once you have a child, you have complete control over the in-laws and your parents.

It's wonderful, wonderful. It keeps families together. He's saying that they travel to London for the dad's birth. and rejected and made to wait a week in a hotel room trying to plan quality time with him, probably the Mandarin Oriental, let's be real. He refused all our attempts unless it was his big birthday party with guests and cameras. When he finally agreed to see me, it was under the condition that Nicola wasn't invited. It was a slap in the face.

When my family traveled to L.A., they refused to see me at all. My family values public promotion and endorsements above all else. Well, I mean, yeah. Yeah, you had a pretty good run of it. Yeah. Brand Beckham comes first. Family is decided by how much you post on social media or how quickly you drop everything to show up

and pose for a family photo op, even if it's at the expense of professional obligations. We've gone out of our way for years to show up and support every fashion show, everybody. He went out of his way to support his parents living. Yeah, the thing that provided for him his whole life, the little cunt never had to play soccer or anything.

I had to go to Old Trafford to watch my dad put in wonderful balls. I was always supportive and then I went to the Gucci thing where my mother was designing something. It was a fucking slog. You remember when dad took us to the Bahamas to the four seasons? I didn't want to go, but he was doing an advertisement campaign for Calvin Klein. It sucked. It had to be on jet skis for a week.

It's always what they want to do. I had to line up for a couple of hours. I didn't last the whole time to see the Queen's coffin. I lined up for that. I had to run back and forth, get him drinks. Okay, so here's his last thing. The one time that my wife asked for my mum support to save displaced dogs during the LA fires, my mum refused.

But pos-spice is a displaced dog herself. No, she's all right. So he finishes with the narrative is that my wife controls me, and that's completely backwards. Okay, if you're ever writing, people say my wife controls me, but it's not true, your wife controls you. Yeah, and if you're doing it from a joint, is there anything worse than the joint Instagram account? You know that bloke who's just like, yep,

I've got a joint one now, that's what I want. Full transparency. Yeah, it's us, the Johnsons. I've grown up with overwhelming anxiety and I've been actually controlled by my parents for most of my life. For the first of my life, I'm stepping away. Raymond, is it Brooklyn or Amos right now?

What's going on right now? I don't know. I've become, I've been really, reading this fucking internet post for so long. This is what's good about my bad reading. You know when I'm reading. You, the listeners are just like,

what's happened to Amos? He's been controlled by his parents. His whole life, so fluent. My wife and I don't want a life shaped by the image or press or manipulation. All we want is peace. I might get you to read the audio book of my biography. I know it's going to be a slog.

I don't want to do it. I woke up. My ass was bleeding again. Oh, well, that's life, I said. Yeah, yeah. This chapter's called, Sheets like a Japanese flag. Hemeroids.

Chapter 1 of chapter 1. Some can't punch me in the head. It was I to know. Everything was about to change. That's in the book. That's pretty much word for word. What happens? Of course.

I've always hated guns. One day I was thinking about how much I hate him and I put together this routine. I thought, fuck, that'll go all right. And it did. I was in an alleyway getting a blow. job and I looked down and said, what's your name? And he said, Amos, I knew things are about to change. How many times in your autobiography have you written, I knew things were about to change?

That's how you know the person wrote it themselves. Is it this always ends with, and that was a big moment, a turning point you could say. Yeah, a turning point you can say. To cut a long story short, I prevailed. All right. I took some drugs. was all that about. That's the, that's, that's the Beckham's right there. Now, have you ever had a moment? Yes. You've had many long, long relationships. Have you had a wife or do you have

any friends who have wives even right now, you don't have to name them, where you think their wives or maybe even the husband with the woman is locking them away? I don't know about locking them away, but I definitely know guys that have lost their balls. And I, it would go both ways. I know there's definitely women who have married guys and then they've changed as well. So, yeah, I know people who have changed. Because it's, when you're ethnic. Some for the better, though. There's some people who, like, my life was out of control. I married this person to control me. Now, we have friends that want this in life, right?

Yeah. They want, like, a woman to take care of things and take care of them. You know what I mean? But me and you are different animals. Well, I'm getting married to a German event coordinator. So obviously, I'm looking for some control in my life. I'm looking. If I don't get in, invited to the wedding, I am fucking, I tell you what, that you are going to get a wordy, I didn't want to go public with this, but. Well, I wasn't going to invite you because I thought you'd never give up a headline weekend where you can make money.

If you, if you ask me far enough out, I'll be there. I'll be there. Really? Where am I? I'm in Australia. No, it's not this year. It's next year. It's next year.

I'm good. Yeah, yeah. So, you can open up for me in Australia. That's, dude, that's the Beckham story. It's, it's, it's weak as piss. But that's pretty fucking embarrassing. But just to go, oh, my mother didn't like the dress that we're having and my mother always wanted to do things for publicity.

We know that. They're the Beckham's. We know they like the publicity. They're posh and becks. But you had a privilege lifestyle. Your lifestyle, your upbringing was the reason you got to meet your wife. Without that Beckham name, you wouldn't have met that woman at all. If you were just a bloke.

East end of London and his dad never made it. If you were just an Essex boy like your dad was, you were just a fucking Essex boy going around, a lad about town. You know what I mean? You're not meeting the fucking Heinz chick. No way in the world. Hold on.

I've got to know this now. What does the Peltz family own? What circumstances if you just keep saying Heinz? I need to know if this is correct. Let's be honest. Let's be honest, right? If he wasn't a Beckham, he's tarmacking your driver.

way and telling you that the job's already started, you have to let me finish. The closest he's getting to that. I need to have the rest of the money. The closest he gets to that woman is buying Quaker Oates for breakfast out of his van. Do you like listening to Elvis Presley? I do too. I can't read. Why are you doing Andrew Maxwell?

And why is he an Irish fellow? Because I made him a gypsy. Oh, he made him a gypsy fellow. I thought he was just going to be landing. He's like Brad Pitt and Snatch with all the tattoos. and all that type of stuff. Look at that. Look at that.

There he is. Right. So you're a father whose son has grown up. He looks like David, doesn't he? He really does. He really does look like David. You're a father whose son has grown up.

She's a better sort than posh. She's a better pick up than posh. She's a right. Yeah. Well, why do you think he was so upset that his mom was grinding on him? Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, that one. You know, because he is.

Mom, I can do better than this. Yeah, Mom. Mom, I can get erections on my own. now. Mom, you're mid. What is this? 1990. You've lost it. Yeah. Stop right now. Thank you very much. I need somebody with a human touch. Hey, you, always

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What was the first thing you did? Well, this is actually true. I needed a credit card so I could finally start renting cars. And then I had a bunch of these different bank cards, had all these different loans, stocks, all this sort of stuff, outgoing, and then I put it onto the interface so I could see what my incoming and outgoings were. It was the first time I'm a bit of a visual learner, Jim. Are you a visual learner?

I am a visual learner. What I visually was spending and what I was receiving definitely made it easier for me, and it will make it easier for you, the listeners of this podcast. So you can get 50% off your Monarch subscription, with the code ATM to get your personal finances in order and make 2026. Well, do you know that Monarch helps users save over $200 per month on average? Each person who uses Monarch on average saves $200. Not a year, not every six months, every month.

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Go to Shopify.com slash ATM. That's Shopify.com slash ATM. Hear your first, chinging, this new year with Shopify by your side. Hank's obviously grown up different to you. Yes, but he's not going to be as good looking as Beckham. He doesn't have, look, I'm not David Becker. him so I can't produce a child that looks like that. Is there a world where your son is like 21, right?

I gave both my sons, both the women that I'm pregnant down here were good looking women. I gave both of my fighting chance in the look department. I gave him a chance. No, what I'm saying to is, could you imagine ever a situation where Hank is on social media and he's like, my dad made me the butt of jokes for years. Yes, I can't imagine it. I can proper imagine it. imagine

all of HBO and many millions more knowing that you were a simpleton as a child every time that you shat yourself it was reported to the public this was the man

that I called dad not any longer and he's got a wife he's got a wife he's all you've ever been is a source of content here we go here we go

hand on that Hank if you're watching this in the future or you can come back and watch this episode. If you get a misses as good looking as Brooklyn Beckham's misses, Nicola, Nicola Tesla, right?

If you get one as good looking as Nicola Tesla, right? And she says, you can't talk to your parents anymore. I get it, mate. I get it. Well done, son. Well done. Well done. Godspeed.

God speak. A billionaires. That's what you want. Well, I'm fascinated by these. These rich kids, you know, always a devoid of purpose. And so, yes, on the one hand, having innumerable wealth and all that access to all that cool shit is good, but it does end up spoiling people. Very few of them end up being pretty cool. On this same topic, I wanted to bring up with you something that I saw about another celebrity, which is Simon Cowell, who made an announcement about his kids.

And what he said about his children was that they will receive nothing of his $500 million inheritance. Who gets it? Who gets the money? You'll be giving it away to various charity. Oh, what a load of fucking bullshit. I'm sick and tired of celebrity saying this rubbish. I'm not going to give my kids anything. They're just going to have to fend for themselves.

First of all, you're meant to leave your children something because the world gets more and more expensive as the population grows in the housing market gets more and more expensive. You have to give everyone a little leg up a little bit more as they go along. That's how life works. What is the point of it all if it's not generational wealth for your family? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You meant sick? Yeah, what did you make it for if not to pass onto the next generation?

but Gordon Ramsey, same thing. I'm not giving my kids anything. I agree with things like my kids when they get to an age, and this has already started happening for Hank. They no longer fly business class. To the back of the plane, you go, you have no right to be up here just because you're born here. So you go to the back.

I understand that. I understand not spoiling the child. But then at the end of it, to go, and I'm giving all of the money to rescue dogs. Go fuck yourself, mate. And also, you're lying. because you're not giving it to the kids. You're giving it to your misses because you're going to die first

because you're substantially older and then your wife's going to give it to the kids after you. That's just the little loophole that you're trying to act like you're some excellent parent. I'm not going to give them anything. I remember it was like really cool. The baby boom of parents, I recall like my friend's parents all saying that as well.

Like, yeah, you know, why would we give the kids anything? They need to learn. They earn it themselves. I'll be spending every cent on cruise ships till I'm dead, you know? it's and it was very like vogue to say that but now it's like the generation's moving forward none of them will be able to fucking afford houses if you don't have generational wealth you're probably going to be left behind like and if you are going to be simon cow who's got six hundred million dollars who's going to give it to these yes you are 100% correct by the way dog charities

yeah dog charities you're going to value a golden retriever of your children well you've already ruined them because you raise them to probably be spoiled brats so it's not like they've got the hustle and grind. So you're essentially leaving these domesticated animals out in the wild and going, now pull yourself up by bootstraps. They don't have bootstraps. They have silk slippers. These kids can't survive.

Well, Gordon Ramsey says the same thing. I'm not going to give anything to my kids. Stop putting Tilly on the TV. Stop with it. Tilly all the time. Leave it zero. Stop giving you a leg up. Why do we keep having, I mean, I love the Ramsey family, but I'm like, this,

Tilly is pushed on me. Look, I've seen, look, I watch anything that Gordon does, big fan of Gordon, right? We have even a mutual friend. So I might get to meet him one day, but does Tilly cook? What is the, what does Tilly do? What is Tilly's thing? Why are we watching Tilly? Yeah, what is Tilly don't?

She gets to say one potato, two potato, and he's not going to give her any of the money. She's the fucking voiceover for his production company. What about the Stallones? Like, I'm sick of seeing. This is what I'll tell you about the Stallones. the mother and the three daughters, all tens. Well done. Whatever Sylvester Sloan did to weed out the gene pull of his sloped face is quite remarkable.

That is your job. Oh, yeah. He had a stroke, but he was young. I take it back. His uneven face. Your whole job as a man is to be a fucking ogre who works your guts out to get rich enough that you can fuck better genes into your kids. a whole dream. Sylvester Stallone

did a keeping up with the Stallones or whatever like Sly Family Sly Sly Family Stones or something like that, right? Right? He did a show and it was basically just to fucking showcase his daughters so they could get some type of job in the entertainment business

right. He didn't want to be there. The man wrote and directed Rocky, right? He's a big deal. You can't take it away. People always act like he's stupid with the guy's a genius. The guy's a genius, right? You might not agree with his political views. He seems to be a bit of a Trump or whatever, but the guy's a fucking genius. And he had to belittle himself to being berated by four

women on camera as he fucking scooped leaves out of the pool each episode. That's what you do for your kids. That's what you fucking do. You're right. That's, now that, compare that. Cesarone trying to spoil his legacy as a henpeg dad compared to Simon fucking cow. What happens at Simon Cowell's funeral when his kids sitting there and he's just like, I guess I'm homeless now? Is this? I look out of here. Homeless?

Maybe Simon Cowell should do it like this, right? He sits on a chair on a desk and his kids have to come and present what they're going to do with their lives and he decides whether or not he's going to give them the money or they don't make it through to the next round. Look, I, just a show called, dude, that's the show. It's called inheritance. And it's all the rich parents. And they go, show me.

what you've got, son. It is tricky with the money that you don't. You know, I've got nowhere near this wealth, not even close, of course, right? But I always, it's like my son wanted to learn guitar, right? And you said, oh, can I get a guitar for me, birthday, electric guitar or something like that? I said, I'll just get you on. And I said, but here's the deal. If you stop playing it, it becomes my guitar and I sell it.

You don't, you know, you don't get, given an asset. I just like the idea of artistic things going on in the house. You know what I mean? Yeah. So just, so just point. But I have the means to do that. I can do that. I can just buy him a guitar.

And so I feel like that's sort of how you spoil them with opportunities and experiences and stuff like that. Like Brooklyn Beckham, that little can had been on so many skiing trips in his life. He doesn't fucking know he's alive. He doesn't know he's born. What's the term? Doesn't even know he's born. You could have just gone with. He's a rich cat.

He's a rich cat. Go, revert back to type. there's a there's our speaking of spoiled brats Donald Trump ties failure to win Nobel Peace Prize to efforts to acquire Greenland and message to Norway so he said because I'm not getting the Nobel Peace Prize we're going to war is the same reason I don't get the Nobel Prize for science

you don't think I'm peaceful oh you know you're right I'm not peaceful I'm fucking violent did you see him with the milk the other day when he was just there with milk on the table. Yeah, they're pushing milk again. Yeah,

RFK was there. And they go, it's good for your brain. He goes, I drank a lot of milk when I was young. That's probably why my brain's so good. They keep testing me.

They can't find any problems. Very good. Did you see the video footage of the European soldiers coming to shore up Greenland? No. Pretty pathetic. I've got to say,

pretty pathetic. You know, it wasn't so they've got French, Danish, British, a bunch of soldiers. This is what, This wasn't the beach in Normandy, was it?

They just sort of, look, it's fair to say that the Danish armies a long way away from the Viking period. Yes. These weren't the most intimidating chaps. They would have been comfortable shoes. And the reason that they're doing it is because they're saying, Donald Trump keeps pointing out that, well, if I don't take Greenland, then Russia or China will, because it's in a very, very important location

for first response. If I missed something my whole life, it feels like with no one talked about Greenland for decades and now all of a sudden has been brought up, or have they always been talking about it? And I have been paying attention. We had a we, but like NATO, but mostly America, apparently used to have like tens of thousands of troops there

at the height of the Cold War. Because when you look at one of the maps, not horizontal, but like one of those actually, like if you look at a proper Atlas, if you go over the flat earth map, map. It's perfect. between like the Russian land mass and America sits there and they have something called like a Putufnik or something Space Force based to shoot ICBNs out of the sky.

It's a big mass of land for how many people live there? Well, they're now saying it's it is looking like a $700 billion deal that he's offering at this point, which is a real take it or leave it offer to purchase it, which to be honest, it seems like they've already got the soldiers there. So obviously, there must be some rare earths that they've found. There's got to be some lithium and oil and gold deposits that are hidden underneath the ice that maybe

Space Force has a satellite that's able to detect. 100% is going to be a whole heap of minerals and stuff, more than just oil. There's going to be loads of shit under there. Yeah, of course. They have all the diamonds and stuff in Canada up the top and they can only be mined for like two months out of the year. I told you the bit I was

doing tonight, I said, Donald Trump's going to say, I'm going to buy greenland for $700. billion and then Maca Ribby goes you know what's covered in ice and he's like there's about to be a whole lot more ice there as well oh we're going to get the ice in and the Inuits they're going to be the outtuites we're going to get them out they were in now they're out right I look I I hate to say this but to the people of Greenland I think now there's no fight you you can't fight back you haven't got a military the Danes don't have a big enough military.

Just fucking take the deal. I don't think there should be a deal, but just take the deal. What are we going to do? That's all anyone who's talking about in Europe at the moment. It's funny. The Estonians are like, we've been worried about Russia and now America's just creeping up and taking our assets. And there's a lot of viral memes going around at the moment in Europe.

They keep getting in my feed, which is there's only one person left for Europe to turn to, and it's Vladimir Putin. It fucking is, man. Like, who else they got? That's really their power bank. Like, the Brits left them. They're caught between, so they maybe have to look to the east. Just take the American deal.

It's better to have American allies, isn't it? Isn't it? I don't know, is it not? That's been our default thought for a while. Yeah, but this is the thing we've only got Trump for three more years. After that, we'll renegotiate. Let me ask you a question. $700 billion for Greenland.

Yeah. What price you're putting on to Tasmania? Deal or no deal. What price? What price you're putting on Tazzie? Tasmania. Okay, so Tasmania, it's got natural resources and Hannah Gatsby. Ah, fucking else.

That knocks a bit of money off. But it's very pretty. But imagine, dude, imagine colonizing a landmass that has Hannah Gadsby in it. You'd never hear the end of it. I just want to sit here and be happy. She'd be a great mother-in-law. Okay, so Tasmania, do we mine in Tasmania? I don't believe we do.

I believe it has salmon and piece of people. Weird art. Yeah, weird art. Wall of vaginas, that's got to be worth something. Timber, probably. Lorn cestons up there? I've never been to Lawn cestin, but it's up there. What is Tasmania's GDP?

Scullet pies? Scallet pies. What do they do up there? I guess it's like forestry. they have the first Australian casino. It's bad. It's got like two tables. It's got two tables and no one knows how to deal.

You have to tell them now that you've hit 17. You've got to stop there. Oh, thanks, mate. You do do that. You do linger around and you correct the way that people play the game. I can't play with bad players. I won't do it anymore. I'll just walk away.

There's some dickhead who sits next year. He doesn't know how they're playing. And if you ever do this during Black Tech, you go, try to act intelligent. You're a fucking moron. There's one way to play it the right way and the wrong way. And you're playing it the wrong way. Okay.

Do you think if Trump, if they do buy this and there is an acquisition, we're in the business of a quality. Hang on, I've got to give you a Tasmania price. Okay, so you've got the devils. They've got an AFL team coming up and they have a basketball with jumping jacks. That's there. Not that strategically important. Yeah, but more people than Greenland, you've got to buy over.

More people than Greenland. There's been more than 50,000 down there. There'd be half a million people living in Tasmania. man, wouldn't it? Yeah. Okay. So half a million people,

give or take. I reckon we could sell a billion dollars Australian. A billion Australian? Billion Australian, 600 mill. Just a billion. So 700 billion for Greenland. Oh, no, no, no, no.

600 billion. Is what I sell. Not a trillion. A trillion Australian. A trillion Australian. A trillion Australian. A trillion Australian. for it.

Australia's not in debt, right? We have no debt at the moment, or do we have a bit of debt at the moment? The Labour party's in. We'll probably have a bit of debt going on. What's going on? I'm sure there's quite a bit of debt. We used to be in the black when I left the country.

What's happened? Well, there's a few things that have changed lately. So, you know, we've just got this new, the visa with the Australian passport. You can go live and work in Europe? I did not know this. No, no. We're allowed to go live and work in Europe. I thought we had a connection with the UK and Canada, I thought it was our visas.

Looks like they're trying to pass something right now where Australians and Europeans can go to each other's countries to live and work. Australians going to like that? Well, I think I'd imagine a lot of Australians are like, bloody Muslims will be coming here from a different angle. Yeah, they'll be coming in from a different angle, blah, blah, blah. And plus, do you really want to, you know, go to a bar and have some Swedish backpacker working there? It would be horrible. I agree. Not worth thinking about.

So another quick one for Australia is after a terror attack, you can always imagine. Okay, you can say what you want about Australians, but we pass laws quickly. Bada being better, boom. New law, off we go. As what I said after the Bondo shooting, I said, let's see what they do now. Let's see what they do. Now, I like a little bit of change because without change, nothing changes, right? No, I'm...

I like a little bit. I like a little bit. But I don't like a crazy amount. I like a nice, moderate amount of change. What change is they given us? Well, they've passed through what is essentially really, really strict hate speech laws, which are highly controversial because we are getting into a bit of a messy situation where one person might say they're giving commentary on a group, perhaps on the actions of the Israeli military.

And then some people may suggest, well, the folks that are wearing the Hellie Hanson jackets. That's veered away from criticism. And now we're going to say that that's making people feel unsafe. And you could go to jail for that. And I personally am a real libertarian on this one. I'm a real believer in free speech as the bedrock of democracy. And I think once again, you can understand the Labor Party, that's who they are. But the liberal party folding again on liberal values that they are meant to be proudly built on,

where that fucking Susan Lay folded. And once again, here I am siding with One Nation and the, Greens. Look, you know how I've gone politically. I've gone rogue. I used to be one way, but then when the cover-up of my nephew's death, which 60 minutes say exactly the same thing, I'm not a conspiracy theorist, right? And they went and brought it to the parliament.

And the only people who voted yes for all the information to be released were one nation and the Greens, who were polar opposites of each other. But at least they're having a go. At least they're having a go. The Liberal Party is what the Liberal Party used to be. the Labour Party's a bunch of limp dick fuckwits. And now am I going to get done for hate speech for that? After several amendments were rejected,

so this is who we have to, these are the people who have to say, four national senators joined the Greens, one nation, David Pocock, Fatima Payman, Tammy Tirel, Ralph Babett, and South Australia's Liberal. So one Liberal held out,

Alex Anthich from Adelaide, in opposing the bill, which passed 38 votes to 22. Antich. What's his name? Alex Anthich. He's a Serbian. Oh, okay. We can't say hate speech. We can say it about him because he wants it. Well, I'm a Croatian person and I really love Alex. No, you never mentioned that before. When did this happen? But yeah, I mean, Alex, that's what I like about Alex. He'd love for me to talk about my horrible views about the Serbian people. And I'm sure he would happily in turn say his horrible views about the Croatian people. And then we would have a Ruckia and move on with our lives. Yeah, then you guys are just having beer and be mates because that's the Aussie way.

Because that's what it's really about. Yeah, yeah, it's like just different thoughts and ideas and stuff. That's what this country was built on. So Tony Burke, the Home Affairs Minister, this fucking drip. Get back to your backyard for all these Australians, aren't they? I don't, he's saying in here, he does not believe that hate speech of any variety or bigotry. I don't accept racist bigotry is within the free space. speech domain, he said.

Well, it is. I mean, we don't have to like it, have to love it, but you are able to hold your views, even if they are repugnant, if you're not calling for violence against the group, or you're not directing attacks on people. People are entitled to their bigoted views. That's what makes us the Liberal West who we are able to have free thought and free expression. I wonder whether any of my previous specials, I've done a routine that would be deemed hate speech by these new laws, probably, probably he said something.

probably said something. I'm sure you said things about people of a certain religion. Yeah, I've said something about... Sorry, religions. Yeah, I've gone after all the religions. Yeah, I've had a go at them all. Except for the Buddhists who I'm down with. Well done, you.

Bit of fun. Shaving your heads and wearing a fucking cloth. Even after the Dalai Lamas did a tongue kiss on a child? Oh, I thought that was a bit of fun. Touch my tongue. Do you want to touch my tongue? He was having a bit of fun with him. A bit of fun.

He was just helping the Catholics out. He was like, see? Nothing wrong with him. Nothing wrong with him. Bring back with the Puttism. Okay, so that's what, this is a definite must watch for Australia. That's a step down. What's his name?

Buddha. That fat fuck. He's all right. All, this is all very, very, uh, I actually, I was, I had a thought the other day about, about Islam. Not good. I've got to try and curb these.

That's what the drinking's for. Stop those. Try to, try to keep, try to keep that to yourself during the era of hate speech. Don't just put one straight out there. So I wrote this in my phone. Now, let's play a game called Is This Hate Speech. Okay.

Here we go. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Is This Hate Speech. Coming up, we have a round-headed Croat. His name's Amos Gil. Welcome, Amos. Where are you from and what do you do? So you have to imagine we're in front of the parliament

and then I've got to run my jokes past them. So I've written here in my notes that wrote this at one. I go, Muslims and Jews, fucking hell, I can help you both out. You're really annoying and here's some tips. Muslims, you've simply got to stop yelling in a scary tone and saying death to this, death to that. Try saying things like, fuck, I hate that. Well, that's annoying or that shit.

But saying death to X, Y and Z, very scary. It makes you seem a little non-friendly. Okay? And I've written here. Also, Muslims are so close to. fully integrating. Muslim men are very similar to basic white Pilates bitches. They hold hands with their friends, prefer to drink tea instead of alcohol, and a couple

of times a day roll out a mat and get down on their knees. I think that is hate speech, but towards women. Which, oh, oh, you're allowed hate speech towards women because then I've definitely said some things. I'm definitely not allowed back in the country. You're allowed to do that. It's just religious. You're allowed to still, you're still allowed to say women are no good, right?

I believe misogyny is always protected. Oh, thank God. I was worried that misogyny wasn't protected. They did a holdout for misogyny. Yeah, am I allowed to talk about the gays still? Yeah, it's the Poof to Protection Act. Okay, good, good, good, as long as I'm allowed to protect them and I'm, no, nothing, the women are good. All right, carry on.

Okay, so I've written here, and then this is, okay, Jews. We love you. Okay, already you're done. You can't say. I said Muslims and Jews. Yeah, but you can't say Jews with an exclamation mark. You got to say, you can't go, Jews. You've got to go, Jews. You've got to go, Jews. Just to say, like, I'm friendly.

Cheers. We love you. But you don't help with the allegations that you run international finance when your surnames are bankmen, goldman, silver and levy. I mean, God, if you guys were picking surnames today, you'd say, hi, nice to meet you. My name's Ezra Bitcoinstein. And this is my friend Jeffrey Cryptoberg. Oh yeah, Jeffrey Cryptoberg, a crypto island. Is that hate speech? I don't know. I think the Jewish people are too smart to get involved in Bitcoin.

I just want to know if it's hate speech. I don't think that. I don't think that. I think, I think, I don't think, I think, I think you could say both of those. I think, because that's just a funny thing about the names. I think that's all right. And you don't say that they're bad people. do you.

Okay, how about this one? But saying Muslims, Muslims are holding hands and that's, they're just like Pilatey bitches. That's right on the cusp. You ever seen Muslim dudes? I go to a, like, when I was in Turkey or when I've been in the Middle East,

they hold hands with each other, the dudes. Yeah. Like friends. They hold each other's hands. Yeah, you've got to fucking, just noticing.

Got to hold someone's hand. All right. So, it's very weird that they live in a culture in some, in some of the more extremism countries where homosexuality is banned and you've got all the men in easy access pajamas and you're not allowed to dine with a woman. Like, you're just, you're just like trying to have trouble at that stage.

You're working on it. All right. Last one, ready? Yeah. People blame immigrants for jobs being lost. Yes. But it's not immigrants. It's AI.

And by AI, I mean autistic Indians. Autistic Indians. Um, yeah, I don't know. I think that one's all right. I think it's okay. I think it's okay. I think it's okay. Because if you do it and then you do a hand gesture or you anything like that, that's bad.

But I think you're right on the cusp there. Okay. The Western world loves having female soldiers now. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Because part of going to war in the Middle East is being comfortable with killing kids. and who has more experience with that than Western women?

Hey-oh! Hey-ho! From your new special abortion. It's just you and a puddle of blood behind you like you're farted. All right. Well, I just wanted to say if there's definitely people that would listen to some of those. This is just me having a noodle around today. And what's your dig it like yourself?

At a white man in his 30s. What's your joke about him? geez, we've had it so hard. I don't like to punch down. It has been rough for us. All this immigrants take our jobs. If you ever listen to anybody go, oh, you can't get a job,

it's too hard to get a job. I had a bloke deliver me postmates once who couldn't speak a lick of English and he would have been about 80 and he was just like this holding a sandwich. And he handed it to me and he goes, ah! Like that. And I'm like, any can get a job.

Any can get a job. Yeah, not a good one. Yeah, it's not a good one. That's how you start in life. Work as that. Then you build up to being an Uber driver and then you so forth and so on until eventually you own Uber. Right.

We're running out of time here. So let's go to another story. This one is, Mum Darnie. It's very funny. The New York Post is trying to make a big deal out of this. Okay. Mum Darnie installs a bidet in the day. the Gracie Mansion.

Right. Is he just got a To-To toilet? Did he just replace the toilet that was there and then just put a Toto in? Yeah, he's just got, what's the sponsor we used to have on the podcast? Is it to Toto? Oh, no, no. That was, it was a Tushy. Tushy.

He's probably got a Tushy. They're really trying to make it like, oh, yuck, there's a Muslim in the house. He's washing his asshole. Isn't it nice that he's washing his asshole? Isn't that a nice thing? Like Donald Trump's adding a whole ballroom. This guy's just added an asswash. I mean, you can't get you.

I thought he was a socialist. I thought he was a man of the people and now he wants a clean ass. Lardie da. Champagne socialist wants to have a fucking clean bumhole, does he? Why don't you clean up the subway first before you worry about cleaning your own tunnels, mate? Yeah, yeah, yeah. America first, not brown bumholes, huh? New York, you'll probably wash out a rat holding a pizza.

I think the New York Post has had a bit of a mist there. because it seems a lot of the young people in the comments are like, yeah, everyone's doing this now. Also, just why I'm on the, just rabbit, has Richard Gere ever answered the questions about him having a gerbil up his ass? Like, can you think of anyone throughout history that has had more mythology about what's being shoved up their ass than Richard Gere, who allegedly had a gerbil die? And it's just that story, you've known the story, right? Right. Has he ever answered anything? Has he ever gone, no, I haven't had a gerbil up my ass.

I think it's one of those things if you have an actual press conference about it, it seems to all but confirm it. You can't go, I'll be meeting at 10 o'clock to take questions in the New York Times about whether or not I've had ferrets or other rodent-like preachers in my eyes. You could do a sketch on SNL where it's like he's doing like Jeopardy or something and it's like ferrets up asses, gerbils like this and Richard Gears there. He could do some little funny thing there.

Was that one of those things that you all believed in the, was it 90s or 80s? It was before the internet. We believed that what they did was, they put a perspect tube up your bum, the gerbil climbed up the thing. You pulled the tube away. The gerbil started to suffocate, and as it started to suffocate,

it started to twitch in your anus, just rubbing your prostate gland, and then eventually you got to come. It couldn't be easier. Like, at what stage do you go, yeah, that's how I come? I've tried all the other ways. I'm strictly gerbil.

It's really sad, because the sex shops have taken away that industry, because there's probably a toy that does that now. They don't actually, you know, need real gerbils. That used to be what we believed happened in prison as well, was they would put a tube. Robots are taking gerbils jobs. A tube up your ass, and they'd put a string of barbed wire up there,

then they'd pull the tube out, then your ass would clench around the barbed wire, and then they'd rip the barbed wire out. Maybe, look, I used to be a blackout drunk. That could have been what happened to me. I was always terrified. I've never been able to explain what's going on down there. Have you ever seen when they get a rat and they put it on your stomach,

and then they put a can over the top of the rat and then they heat the can. And then the can become so hot that the rat decides to scratch its way out and it can't go through the metal can, but it can go through your flesh. Where have you seen this? Where have you seen this?

You said, have you ever seen? I may have heard of this. You've never seen this. And if you say you've seen this, you're fucking lying. You've never seen a rat in a can with a cigarette like blow-torching the can so it gets too hot. So the rat digs into the person's

stomach. If you have seen it, send me the link. There it is. It's too fast, too furious. I've just Googled it. That's where I'm getting it from. Right. So you saw it from Too Fast, Too Furious. A movie that has always been, if anything, closer to a documentary than a film. Yeah, you know, Too Fast, Too Furious. I don't think that's a real thing. In fact, I thought it was, yeah, yeah. In fact, you get me a rat can and a cigarette lighter. We'll give it a go. I'm that confident. If he starts scratching and starts to get into the thing, we have to let him out. We have to let him out. We have to let him.

him out then. But, you know, up until he starts to burrow through my skin, we'll give it a go. Who's the last celebrity that had a crazy rumor like that? Let's get sued. So Richard, yeah, had that one. Then Eddie Murphy had the picking up the trans prostitute. But that's, you know, and then he just, he was like this, ah, they were just hitchhiking, wouldn't you? I was just helping someone get home. Imagine your luck if you're a hitchhiker and Eddie Murphy picks you up. You know, geez, I did all right. Fucking hell, I did it right. Was that in the 90s as well when he was doing that? No, that was, I believe, an early 2000s thing that happened.

That was like a fast, like, this went stories just went away until I just brought it back up, right? Eddie Murphy's an avid listener to our podcast as well. He's like, he's like my hero. And now I'm like, yeah, I'm just ruined it. I'll sell you Tasmania there for one trillion Australian. One trillion Australian, good deal. Well, we've pretty much reached the end of this news stories. Is there anything else that's caught your eye through the week, Jim?

No, I haven't been paying attention to the world. I've had the week off. I went and gigs in San Jose and I went and gigged in Reno, and both gigs were fucking bangers, man. It was good to be back in America. I did find that some of the jokes I'd written for Europe weren't working as well. Like that joke I have written about Winston Churchill, the Americans don't know.

They don't want to hear about Winston Churchill. I don't care. I'd be dropping that routine. It was getting round of applause in the UK, and over here it's just. No No And now I'm about to go to a New Zealand

Does New Zealand have hate Hate laws? Do they have hate laws in New Zealand? Oh yeah We don't like, we don't need hate laws Because we don't say anything hateful Oh no Save yourself the laws Just be chill

You come over here You want to blow up things And all that That's not very nice Hey you and that other group Get along You both eat pork You both don't eat pork

Do they eat pork? Someone's not eating pork Just don't do any speech hey don't hate and don't do a speech just chill as long as you you don't stop eating lamb we're chill who's ever given a speech that's good every time someone does a speech it's pretty sinister shit you can't be a dictator if you don't give a speech yeah i have a gay friend he's a dick tiger hey bit of humor okay when we regress to our hate speech we we are ending the podcast with our hate speech number one target, the Kiwis.

The Kiwis. God bless them and everything. Jack, how long did we go for here? One hour and one minute, but there's an edit point. Oh, look at that. I was going to do, I think that's it. Was there funny things in there? There was some funny things.

Yeah, I think so. Huh? We've got to end it. All right, ladies and gentlemen, that was your podcast, and we're going to bring out another one next week. And then the week after that and the week after that until one of us dies. So you've got another six-month of podcasting to listen to. God bless you.

I'm going to say it again. And hate speech towards New Zealanders. Come and get me. Come watch me in Denver, you fucks. I'm recording a special. And if it's no one there, that's pretty grim. Come and see me and Amos at the Beacon Theatre in New York, New York. Very exciting. January 31st.