I Don't Know About That - ATM: Episode 50 - We've Seen Aliens of Extraordinary Ability

Episode Date: February 25, 2026

At this moment, Jim and Amos talk the existence of aliens! They also cover Prince Andrew's arrest, drunk reporters, and the outrageous cost of wedding photographers. Jim's special "Two Limb Policy" is out now on Netflix! ADS: BLUE CHEW: Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at http://www.BlueChew.com! And we’ve got a special deal for our listeners: Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code ATM. That’s promo code ATM. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information, and we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. SOCIALS: Jim Jefferies Website: ⁠https://www.jimjefferies.com⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/jimjefferies⁠ FB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/JimJefferies⁠ Twitter: ⁠https://twitter.com/jimjefferies⁠   Amos Gill IG: @abitofamosgill FB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/AmosGillComedy/⁠   Theme Song: "Rein It In Cowboy" by the Doohickeys

This episode is sponsored by Bluechube, making life easy by getting hard and discover your options at at bluechoo.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10% off your first month of Bluetooth gold with code ATM. That's promo code ATM. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluechew for sponsoring this podcast. Hello, welcome to at this moment with me, Jim Jeffries. I'm here with Amos Gill. Tonight we are going to be talking about. Today, it depends when you're listening. We're going to be talking about Prince Andrew. I hear that he's in a bit of trouble. He's in a pickle. What else are we going to talk about? People are so unfair to the ones that they say

are privileged. Oh. He's been picked on. He's been picked on. We're going to talk about the aliens and whether they're here or not and who spoke out of term about the aliens. Yes, Obama and Trump both teaming up to talk about the aliens. drawing some focus away from that certain list that we continue to talk about. Being drunk at the office. Being drunk at the office. An Australian reporter's in trouble for having a tipple. Let's see what she did wrong.

It's hard to say, Jim, what's going to be in this episode because we've outed on for so long. Much of it may be cut. And then we're going to talk a little bit about your personal life, but we won't say when in case someone in your personal life listens to the whole podcast. Enjoy. And also, we are always on the road and we appreciate you guys coming up and talking to us. I'm going to be at the Adelaide Fringe Festival for all of March. Come and

see me at the Glutney Gardens. Jim is always touring. The man never stops. The Las Vegas is sold out, baby. You can't get a ticket. Don't even bother. Hershey, Pennsylvania coming Boston at the Wang Theatre. Love that name. That's a big theatre.

Dallas, Austin, Portland, Portland, Seattle, Wilmington. We haven't added an extra show in Vancouver. And for all the Australian listeners out there, if you haven't heard me do a thousand radio shows out there. There is an entire Australian tour that is going on in July and August

that is on sale now, no, no, no. But now it's time for our Sunday Emergency Prince Andrews podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the podcast. Sit back, relax. Maybe if you can get a foot rub while you're listening, that might make it a bit easier. Unless you're driving with it'll make it extremely harder. Don't get someone to touch your body on an episode

Do we talk about Prince Andrew the nonce? No, it'd be your spouse or your least favorite child. You know what I mean? You get them to massage your foot. We all know, my ex-podcast co-host, Forrest Shaw, that man loves a foot rub more than anybody on earth. Let's shout out to Old Forrest. How you go, I'm in Australia right now.

I'm advertising for him. He's in the Adelaide Promontie Festival doing a show called The Ocean Hates You. Heckel him during one of the shows going, Jim Jeffrey says you love a foot rub and all that'll do his head in. He's currently sleeping in my bed as well. He's perfectly manicured feet. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

There'll just be puddles of semen and ozempic all over the place. No, he's done it the natural way. He's done it the natural way. I'm sorry. Go watch Forest at the fringe. I'm also there. Now let me tell you this, Jim. We've had to do an emergency podcast a little earlier.

We'll probably put out the same day. But this is a big time in the Commonwealth. Yeah, big time. This is it, mate. This is like, for a country like Australia, we've got the Union Jack in the corner, everything hinges on this. Can I be the first person to say that I believe at Netflix right now,

they're having meetings like this? Are you sure that was the final season of the Crown? You're sure we can't go one more? We're going to end with Diana and a car crash, are we? That's how you want to end it, do you? You don't want to go a little bit further? Just go a little bit further? What with Mark,

and I mean, at the end of the day, if you look at Markle, I can't stand to her myself, but it does strengthen her argument when you go, I was forced to live with a nonce. Yeah, no, I don't mind Megan Markle. I don't think she's the beast. My wife quite, my wife quite likes a mixed race girl who's being picked on by the English royal family. That speaks to my wife. So she's a Megan Markle fan. And also, Megan Markle has a cooking show.

and my wife started using a couple of recipes. Not bad. I had a really nice sandwich. Don't know if that's a recipe. Now, Prince Andrew has been arrested, not for any sexual crimes at this point. I was talking about something important there, Abel. I think he was squill, but he's basically given away trade secrets. He was working as a trade envoy for the British government and was giving away trade secrets.

This is Al Capone being caught on taxes. We all know what's happened. In the middle of the night, they've come and got him more early in the morning. They've come and got him. arrested him. They've taken him away. I assume in handcuffs. And, uh, like you're all prisoners do. He then said, I am the queen's son. I am the queen's son was what he kept on saying. Headline says, arrogant ex-Prince Andrew cried, I'm the queen's son as he was booted. Supposedly, some of the agents who took him out were like, well, the king is he charged?

And he's putting you in prison. Do you reckon if, do you reckon if, uh, yeah, I know I was about to say Rob Kardashian, but Caitlin Jenner isn't his father. I was going to go, if he got arrested, he could go, I'm the Queen's son, but doesn't matter. The joke didn't work. He refused to leave or take any responsibility.

He's finally booted from the mansion. They're going to take him out of the line of succession. I think he was 11. Well, let's be honest. They don't care about trade secrets. I'm sure those things get swapped all the bloody time, right? What they want to do is put him in custody for 24 hours, and they're allowed to go through his computer to look for trade things.

and now they'll be looking through his computer and if he at any stage has even typed in um daddy porn or something like that even just something slightly questionable he's fucked so you know i don't think you can clear your history from this stuff so they'll they'll backtrack they'll go yeah but they don't need to i mean they could access his computer already i would imagine they'd just want him to roll on on his associates because at this point he's yeah but also maybe his paperwork his office probably has some files there's a whole heap of things. I'd check the incinerator out the back of the house. I imagine he burns his garbage, right? But he got, I'm the queen's son. And what did the guy say after that?

Well, people were saying things to the effect of what, a queen's not here anymore? And the king says you're in the nick or something to that effect. But he's not... God save the king, but he won't save you, son. He's not a popular man amongst, you always hear that the queen loved him the most, but everyone who worked on his detail over the years says he's one of the great pricks. In fact, Australia's 60 minutes. I always thought Edward. I always thought Edward was the queen's favorite. No, it's apparently Andrew was, and that's why he's such a spoilt that was shit with so many blind spots. His mum kind of protected him from everything. There's something about being the spare as well, being the second one, being the playboy where, oh, I could be

important, but I'm not important. And they always just join the military. I think they get cushy jobs in the military. Maybe they don't. Maybe they don't. Well, she, the mum paid off, Lizzie paid 12 million to Jafray, even though he said that he'd never met her before. And they're going to be looking right now to see whether Prince Charles also authorised payments to Virginia Geoffrey. God bless her who is now dead. The queen, the queen authorised the money. Yeah, but I mean, she's dead now, so you'd want it to be the queen because if it's the current king and he's authorised the money that comes from the people to silence a rape victim. Bring them down. It's just a dumb family. Like, how they last. It's like, what's the royal family come to? What they've always been?

They used to be cutting off their wives' heads for no apparent reason because, you know, you overcook the pasta. I like it, Aldente. Get on the guillotine, bitch. Right? So, it's not fun for them anymore because what's the point of coming from Royal Blood? Ever since Magna Carta, it's all been downhill. If you're a king, you should be able to do whatever you want. And unfortunately, we live in a democracy.

So just get rid of the whole thing. If you can't have your pick of the sexual litter, why even wear a silly hat? Look, we were fine with it when you killed Diana. We thought in some way it was almost gangstery charming, right? We didn't say anything. We made a couple of jokes when you killed Diana, didn't we? Now that you're killing poor girls who didn't even get to wear the dresses and all that type of stuff, paying off people, and your sons and nonce, and unpopular, because you were talking about 60 minutes. Oh, yes.

So he's super unpopular inside the detail. Let's play the clip. Let's play the clip. Let's play the clip. Let me give the clip because we're new to clip, so let me give it the, the, you. it needs to be addressed what it is. This is from 60 Minutes Australia in what was the Virginia Jafray special.

And here is someone of the royal detail talking about Prince Andrew. Prince Andrew and what his nickname was. Prince Andrew have a nickname at that time? Well, his official code, so if he was to come into the palace, he would call it. His call someone was Purple 4-1.

But he did have a nickname, but it's a bit rude for me to tell you when I'll tell you, but you're not going to be able to air it. It was just called Do you want me to tell you? Yeah. It was called The Cunt plain and simple because

unfortunately he upset everyone he'd come across. He was the most unpopular member of the old family while I was there. And he was just rude, arrogant. I mean his sense of self-entartlement was breathtaking. Right, so his nickname

was The Cunt. Not just cunt, the cunt. Maybe someone else is just called cunt, but I like how he goes, you're not going to be able to air it. You don't know Australian TV. We're very prudish in many ways, Australia. We clutch our pearls sometimes, but I will say this. If you want to show tits on TV, you want to have a swear, have at it, right? I would say that my version of the 1% Club is far riskier than the other ones around the world,

because I've never watched an episode of it. I just film the things, but while I'm doing it, I'm effing and whatever, effing and jeffin, and they never stop me. So the cunt. Where do you reckon they got the nickname from? It was called the cunt. I would have thought there was going to be something a little bit more. Barry named him that. He was always a word smith.

He was, one day he was being a real cunt. And we reckon to each other, we go, he's the cunt. Yeah, he won't even where, isn't he a cunt? Not a cunt. I've got a name for you. The cunt. The cunt. Well, it's certainly better than Purple 41.

Purple 41 sounds a lot more offensive. Purple 41 sounds like something that RFK is trying to get rid of. Yeah. It certainly gave my son autism purple 41. Purple 41. Whenever my son has purple 41, he runs around like a lunatic. I always look at purple food and think, that's not natural coloring. So the prince is obviously in some big trouble.

The royal family itself. If Australia could have ended up and is he's a break away now. Is he paid bail? What's happening? He's out, so he's out on bail now. And there's that photo that went viral. Did you see him in the back of the car? No.

Oh, you need to look that photo up, man. He's like laying in the back of a range rover type vehicle. And it's, you know, the British photographers, world class. When I lived in England in the early 2000s, the way they would get up a woman skirt as she tried to step out of a vehicle was real journalism. I was just watching a video of one of the guys who took the photo. really bigging himself up. I got the exposure settings perfect. I really,

I'm really proud of this. The way you can see his face, he's very scared at the back of the car. He knows his life has crumbled around him. And it's like, mate, you are part of a profession that literally shot up

teenage women's skirts when they were going to the Nickelodeon awards and fucking creeps. They were dreadful. Dreadful. The British media when I lived out there, they were fucking pigs. And this was before the internet was

what the internet was. They used to have Heat magazine. to have circle of shame, which I always remember, because my girlfriend used to get Heat magazine, I used to read in the toilet, circle of shame where they would just circle women's bad parts of their body

as they were walking along. One of them would just be like, Jessica Parker Smith waving for a taxi and they'd circle bingo wings, right? They were fucking dreadful. Do you think, though, because historically, this is just what royals have done forever. Now we have to hold them

to an account, like they have to have supposed accountability. In America, sadly, the prince, I mean, the prince would have been covered up in America if he was here. Cash Patel and Pan Bondi would have done their absolute best. So, you know, obviously the royal family gets better treatment in America than they do in their own place. But I can see the royal family because usually when one royal family collapses, they all huddle around the next one. And so I think if this one goes, they'll end up going to Dubai like all the other British people that have abandoned.

You could see Prince Andrew making it in the Emirates. Wouldn't it be nice, though, if the royal family crumbles. And then you just get to be, you know, Eugenie's kid or something like that. And you get to go on, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. You get to go to nightclubs and just go, fucking, I don't give a fuck. Right? You just get to be Playboys.

We're not going to take their money, are we? We're not going to fucking rinse them and leave them poor. Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know what assets they've got left. I guess it comes down to Fergie doing more Weight Watchers commercials. That's sort of... Fergie, Fergie, Fergie be shooting up, you know, Zep because. She'll be drinking in mock tales. Could you imagine if they was a similar kind of search into the history of royal families of the Middle East?

Because all you hear is about them bringing Western women out, you know, onto yachts and pooing on them and stuff. Yeah, but that's their way. They don't get into their culture and start speaking about their culture, something that you don't understand. All I'm saying. Jeez, your culture is insensitive. Maybe Prince Andrew would want to move to the Emirates, that's all. Prince Andrews should just be on the land. Where a king can be a king, for God's sake.

Seriously, he should just be in Argentina. He should just Hitler it up, just go down to Argentina, eat epinadas, and just go, ah, look at him. Oh, I could have been the king. At one stage, he was second in line, wouldn't he? He was second in line. He could have taken it over. But, I was going?

No, I was going to say, I wonder how it would go. If you were him, if you just went on the front foot and said, I fucked whatever I wanted. But weren't they? I'm royal. I'm above everybody. Weren't they of, because the thing is they were of legal UK age, but he did it in America, right? So that's why some people in the UK is sort of going, oh, well, it wasn't that bad. You know, okay.

But, but, okay, so you're Prince Charles. You're King Charles, right, who's released a state. saying the law or process. Okay, your brother, your brother, who I've met many times, let's say he gets caught doing this and you're an important person. What do you do? I think if you want to save the monarchy, you've probably got to behead him in the stocks. Really?

I think you have to. Save the monarchy? I reckon you make him do a two-year stint. No, well, you just put him in the stocks where people can throw the rotten fruit or something. No, no, no, two-year stint. And then we do one of those documentaries behind bars. and just like Andrew's being raped again. You want a Netflix series on his prison time?

Yeah, yeah. On his banged up abroad. Yeah, banged up abroad. He's getting shifted to prison in fucking Birmingham. We see an episode where they go, they let me keep the ceremonial teaspoon, and I've dug a tunnel. Very strong gold.

We're going to go under the tunnel. I've had enough of being raped on the, on the, every day. Enough of that. Enough of that. So now I'm going to tunnel my way out to freedom. It does feel like he's being thrown under that. Like,

he's the only... You don't have to put him in a proper prison. Just put him in a cell in Windsor Castle. Just a dungeon. You should be in a dungeon. It is a... Or like the Man in the Iron Mask type situation. Yeah.

Locked away in the Tower of London. The Man in the Iron Mask. Was there ever another fucking movie or TV show or whatever where it's just like, If you don't, because his face looks like yours or that he's the true king or whatever, just kill the cunt. I hate for all these taxpayers that have to pay for the mask, for the mask detail, for the keeping up the mask, the cell and all that type of stuff. No, just kill the cunt and move on.

Well, the next thing I was going to say about this is, yes, he does seem like he's the only one. This whole started with him, if you think back to it, with the, I can't sweat, never knew the girl. It started with an Australian subject. So long ago. That's five years ago. That's five years ago. Yeah. Because I remember, remember I was trying, here's the name, I was trying to write a joke for Brad Pitt.

Dude, that was 20, that was 2019, I think. 20, 2019, yeah. I was trying to write a joke for Brad Pitt for the once upon a time in Hollywood. And I said, if you got one and you wrote a joke that was like, he's the only pit that's been working. Prince Andrews' pits haven't been working or something. We had some joke along that line. Yeah. And then I remember I had to explain to Brad.

I go, Prince Andrew doesn't sweat because of the Falklands or some shit, right? He's like, Brad's like, haven't seen it. I don't keep up with the news. Yeah, I think it was Brad Pitt has to work so hard. That's why he does so many movies because he's the only pit that works because Andrews gave up a while ago or something like that. Something along that line. It was how he couldn't work anymore. And I said, that'll be a good joke for the BAFTAs.

Yeah. You relegated him down to the BAFTAs. And then I don't even think he did your joke. He sort of just smiled at people and they went, no, no, no. What happened was at the BAFTAs, Margot Robbie read the jokes because Brad couldn't go. And that was the one,

because that joke at the BAFTAs is referenced in Prince Harry's book, right? Because a few days earlier, him and his brother, what's his fucking William? Him and William had a punch up, right? And so Margot Robbie was reading the letter And she goes, Brad couldn't be here tonight. So I've got a little letter to read here. His words, not mine.

And then he holds the trophy up and he goes, I'm going to be calling this trophy Harry because I'm taking it back to America and you'll never see it again. Right? And then William and Kate were in the front row going, hmm, yes. But they had to punch up like the day earlier. Like allegedly that really boiled fucking William's blood.

And I called it. I called it. I knew he was moving to America. This is before he'd done all that. So it's, it makes me very proud to be American. It was pre-COVID. Pre-COVID.

Yeah. Doesn't it make you proud to be American that we don't have to deal with this? We have our own pedophiles that we elect. Yeah, yeah. We have elected pedophiles. We don't have to have them. They don't have them thrust upon us. Yes, not through the bloodline.

But it does go to show, even we go, oh, these elites. These royal families, they treat us like shit. They think they could rape us, do what they want with us. No, we need a government by the people, for the people, and then the people end up raping themselves. And also, who knows? The British is such stuffy sort of culprit. I know from my wife that Eugenie and Beatrice, who's Prince Andrew's daughters, right?

Princess Eugenie and Princess Petrus, you know that over the last six years, they've been a home like this. Oh, Daddy, why? This is so embarrassing. Daddy, I'm going to ask Scott and I'm going to have to answer so many questions about like, is Daddy an ons? Yes, like, like when I was it eaten

and you shagged my friend Sophie, we just put it under the carpet, but this is annoying. You know her best friend Sophie. You know what it is? And listen, Sophie said she had a good time and I didn't even think that was that bad because mummy isn't embarrassing because she's fat.

Yeah, and you're malabre. batting above your average. All right, well, staying on the Epstein files of which this is going to just carry on, because I really think you can't see him taking names to the grave. If he's going to jail, he's taken everyone down with him for sure. Prince Andrew is going to be the same as when Charlie Sheen got caught with hookers, and he was just like, Heidi Fleiss, no problem. He's got about the lot out.

Oh, yeah, no, privileged people, they don't have any grit. They don't have any, you know, getting anything out of me. You have to come from nothing to have that because you're happy to go back to nothing. But people who have something, they're like, what? What? I've got to go. What? Have you seen the photographs of Galane Maxwell?

The new theory on the internet is that she, just like, so Jeffrey, people think not dead at all, actually back in Israel. That was last week. And then this week was the photographs of Galane Maxwell when she appeared via a, I think it was a zoom into the court. Yes. And now look at the photo of her. That's her now.

And then the photo of her before. That's a different person if you're going by that photograph. She has a wider nose and she, and her chin, but like her nose is wider. Her nose is wider. There's not enough cortisol in the world to change that much. And she looks like Chris Lilly doing an Asian character. Like really, if Chris Lilly pulled that character out. there. I tell you what,

Jalane, she's really ruined that name forever. That's like Adolf now. Like, it is a beautiful name, Jolene. Galane. Delane. Delane. Dude, you are right. That does, that does look like Jen Okazaki. Yeah.

That's Chris Lively character. There's every chance. That woman there and that person there, is she being punched in the nose in prison? What's happened to it? The same person? Honestly, because I could easily believe that they've just put a stand in there. And she's off as well.

The eyebrows are busier. So, you know, that's going to happen. You've been locked up. You're not going to get waxed as much. Maybe she had, I don't think it is this. I'm not a big conspiracy theory on shit like this. I don't know. Yeah, it doesn't, it might be a weird angle or something.

Maybe with the other one, she's got makeup on, which she's texturizing the nose to make the nose look slimmer. The nose is so big. Yeah, it's so wide and the chin's wider. And in one photo, she looks like herself. And the other photo, she's a bloke. So, who knows? Who knows?

Well, the whole world of conspiracy, it seems like now, given that, as Vladimir Putin said, the vampire party is coming to an end. That's what he said about the Western world and all the pedophile leaders and the cabal that's going on. He says, the vampire party comes to an end. And everyone said, right now they're going to flood the zone with every bit of conspiracy you can imagine. It's all going to be washed out now

to muddy the water. And Barack Obama stepped into conspiracy land about a week ago when he was asked about aliens. Play the clip. He said this. Are aliens real? They're real, but I haven't seen them

and they're not being kept in, what is it? Area 51. There's no underground facility unless there's this enormous conspiracy and they hit it from the President of the United States. What was the first question

you wanted answered when you became president? Where are the aliens? Okay, so he said they're real. But everyone believes they're real, but we don't have one, right? But people, but what they believe is that 99% of the people would be stupid to believe in these

infinite amounts of stars and solar systems. in the world. There wouldn't be another planet that could contain life just as we have it, or even just bugs or flies or whatever. But if you have water, you'll have life, right? Everyone believes there's life. Whether we believe that that life has flown to visit us, whether believe they live amongst us, now that's a different matter altogether. So is he saying, yes, there are aliens, people have seen them, but he hasn't seen him? I mean, he just started with, yes, they are real and then goes, but I haven't seen them underneath Area 51.

I don't know whether it's just been charming and joking around. I personally believe that they've got anti-gravitic propulsion systems and that's what those TikToks are. And I think that the US has reverse engineered technology from another land, another time, another dimension, whatever that may be. The leading theory that I read about now, I... Why couldn't we invent it? What do you mean?

Why can we... Like, in... In my lifetime, the inventions have gone. along, like, it's not like one just pops up out of nowhere that's so massive where you go, oh, we've got a new computer system, it's always the next step from something we already had, right? We start off with Kitty Hawk and the Wright brothers, and then we end up in the moon 60 years later. Yeah.

Right? Well, I mean, but some people believe that the aliens that come back are actually us sending ourselves back in time to visit this timeline that we're in right now in order to stop us. Some people say blowing each other up with nuclear bombs. Other people say that they're coming back here to stop us with the AI. That's why they say, you know, the giant

heads. It's always like, it's always a giant head. So why did they visit us in Roswell in the, what are the 50? Because that's where nuclear test sites were. So it always seems to be in areas where... I've heard this thing that they want to stop nuclear bombs and they're lovers and they're checking on us and all that type

of stuff. But you've seen those TikTok planes. It seems to me like it is just the US has some technology that they don't want the, you know, the public to know about it. I have not seen the TikTok planes. I haven't even seen a TikTok planes. Tick-Tac planes. They seem to be moving in a way that we can't explain. Like, like, tick-tacks.

Do you, don't you remember pre-election when there was all those UFO sightings? Yeah. Oh, you're talking about the little, like, the tube type things that sort of fly along. And they were moving around and they come up from under the water and. I've heard the theory of the aliens living under the water. I've always thought that was an odd choice. Like, just coming. What, like Nabu?

Yeah, yeah. They go into the hoarder. The gun guns. Yeah, and then they duck back out. I'm like, that's an odd choice. Just fucking just live in Nevada or something. There's plenty of space for everyone, even the aliens. Not the illegal ones.

So Obama said that, and then Donald Trump was asked on Air Force One the other day, what he thinks of Obama confirming the aliens. Barack Obama said that aliens are real. Have you seen any evidence of non-human visitors to Earth? Well, he gave classified information. He's not supposed to be doing that. So aliens are real? Well, I don't know if they're real or not.

I can tell you he gave classified information. He's not supposed to be doing that. He made it big mistake. He took it out of classified information. No, I don't have an opinion on it. I never talk about it. A lot of people do. A lot of people believe it.

Do you believe it, Peter? Well, the president can declassify anything that he wants to. Well, if you want to make an announcement. I may get him out of trouble by declassify. We know illegal aliens, really. Yeah, illegal. Only illegals. Okay, first of all, how dare Donald Trump say that guy spoke out a term?

You know, he shouldn't have, he should have thought before he spoke. I think what he's setting up there is. Donald Trump doesn't think before he fucking tweets, mate. He'll write a message and then, like, not even proofread it. He'll write a, send a video with the Obama's looking like monkeys at the end and go, ah, I didn't watch the whole thing. Like this, right? And now he's like, no, he got himself in a lot of trouble saying there's aliens.

What a foolish man. Loose lips, sink ships. And first of all, a second of all, third of all, why aren't we allowed to know about the aliens? I've never understood this from the time I was a kid. They always used to go, oh, there's some things that the human race will start to panic and we'll go into crisis if we find out certain bits of information. They declassified UFOs a few years back. And no one gave a fuck.

It was in the news cycle for a day. No one gave a fuck, and now you can watch them on Netflix, just some documentary about it. Fellas, you know what time it is. It's time to level up, and Bluetooth just drop something crazy. I'm talking next level, championship belt, gold-bladed energy. Blue-chew gold is the newest innovation from the number one, chewable ED brand. This ain't your grandpa's little blue pill? Geez, the grandpas are doing them now.

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We've reverse engineered their technology. We did 9-11. What are you going to do about it? And our response would be with the aliens, can we fuck them all they up for it, right? That's where you go to it. If it's a good sort, come on. Look, you're a man of the world. You've had sex with people from different continents.

What about different planets? Put that on your bedpost. I'm engaged. Your wife, where your missus would let you have with an alien. I'd have to say that I was taken and probed. You know? Yeah, take a break. What I wouldn't want is any footage from the spaceship where I'm like, I'm bang up for this.

Yeah. Oh, no, they'd get me all day. And then they'd be like afterwards, they'd ask me. And I go, it was out of this world. How many people are? Remember when that was the big thing? It seems like aliens have stopped doing that. In an era that we live in now with there's so much alien talk,

they have seemed to stop shoving the up people's ass. That was the 90s where they were all interested in our anuses. I'm just, I just wanted to applaud them, not summing things up there. Maybe, maybe they learn everything. How long does this applause go for, Jake? Just for everyone out there. Jim wanted a soundboard. I wanted a soundboard.

And I got one. It may have made this worse. But the alien probes, maybe they learned. everything they need to know about the anus. Maybe they went, we're done with the anus. We've been probing since the 1950s. We can't probe anymore. We figured

they might have, they might have taken me up in a spaceship, probe my anus and go, we're getting rid of the project. No more. We explained it. You would explain the prolapsing. Yeah, we put a chip and an olive up there and the guy still didn't worry about it.

Okay, I want to do this fun story. Jim, One of the great things. Drunk people on television. Yes. Always. Always fun. As long as it's not all the time.

Everyone's entitled to one time. Carl Stefanovic, if you don't know him, Americans, he's our sort of today's show, Good Morning America, host. He once turned up so drunk from what is the equivalent of the Emmys, the Logies, hosted the show drunk, basically built his career off it because he was so charmingly drunk and everyone went, well, he's at a late night. He had no choice. Sadly,

Mike Willissey was a big one. Mike Willissey was one of our main jernos. And one time he had a boozy lunch and he came back to do a current affair. And he was drunk for the whole show. Sloppy drunk. Like could hardly just hold a word together. And that cost him a little bit, but he was over it in the thing. And what's happened now, Amos?

I want to put my hand up very quickly. I have been drunk on TV several times. I have been drunk. I have been drunk on comedy specials. True that. Where people have put time and money into me. So I am not here to condemn anyone who's drunk. I've been high on TV.

I've been drunk on TV. I've been high on podcasts. I haven't been drunk on a podcast. I have been drunk on a podcast. We might be drunk. I was drunk on podcasts all the time. Every Jim Jeffery show podcast after the Jim Jeffrey show, they'd make you do a podcast.

I was leathered for the podcast. So I am not anti the drunk podcast or the drunk TV. But what happened? Should we play a clip? Well, here's Danica Mason, Australian reporter for Channel 9. She's over in Milan right now in the altitude, reporting back about the Winter Olympic. And she's reporting back on breakfast television. Breakfast television.

It's 10.30 at night, her time. It's 7.30 in the morning, Australia or something like this. And this is what's happened. Like, literally, the price of coffee. over here is actually fine. It's more the price of coffee in the US that we are going to have to get used to. I'm not sure about the Aquinas. Where are we going with that one? But anyway, the fact that we've got so many athletes who are willing to compete as well after her as well, she is just one of those athletes that you keep in their mind and you just look at them and go,

what an inspiration. No, I agree. She has a long road ahead of it. I agree with you completely, Danica. So that man, that was just talking, that is Carl. Yeah, he's been pissed up on TV as well. And the two of them were laughing at it. And may I say, Danica, you're adorable. I like her so much more now than it just a, because all other Australian newsreaders have an Australian newsreader

reporter voice. And we all know the voice. Channel 9, Jim Jeffries. Here we are at the Winter Games. sports are being played gold medals are being given you know all that type of stuff right and just to have her go fucking coffee and it's so expensive and she just dropped her a portal voice and she just had that where you're fighting through the drink like she she was actually leathered if that was her trying to act sober that was her coming home to a parent's her camera operator what they must have done

the 30 minutes before that cross oh get her some coffee get us some water Sit it down. I'm okay. I'm okay. We're just going to talk about it. It's just morning TV. And the fact that it was on morning TV made it worse. It was late at night.

It was nighttime TV. People were being like, oh, I might be drunk as well. Because everyone watching it was stone sober. It was like she got in the back of mom and dad's car from a party. Oh, yes. And she tried to hold it together. Yes. He's in the back.

We just, we just, we just, everyone just. Sophie was there. And I was very upset that in the country of Australia that I grew up in, not only did... Now, we are a drinking culture. We are a bunch of drinkers and drinking isn't held. Okay, so we all know about America. America is very puritanical when it comes to drinking. The British don't care.

That wouldn't even register on the British. They go, oh, what? Get her to bed, hey? I think she's ready. But she was made to apologize, which I thought was very upsetting. I think you get one. You can't do it every day. But what you have to do is apologize

You have to go on the same TV show And go, sorry everyone I let that night get away from me a bit Right? Not this apology There we are I'm smooth I just want to take a moment

If that's okay Just to apologize Look I totally misjudged a situation I shouldn't have had a drink And especially in these conditions It's cold We've got altitude And not having had dinner

Probably didn't help as well But I want to take full responsibility. It's not the standard that I set for myself. Boo! I was more on board with her. Well, the price of coffee. She also, it turns out she has a little bit of a affected voice. She has a little bit of a drunken lisp even when she's sober. It's not what I, there's stims that I hold myself to?

I just think, like, don't go out there and say, I'm sorry. Just be like, I had a bit of a big one the other night at the Olympics. I'm here on a company do. Company credit card, sunk a couple, wasn't ready. Apologies if anyone was actually offended. An athlete would never say anything and you just go, I would just just just just just also just lie. Just go like this, just go, nah, it wasn't drunk. That was my best work.

And just be a bit tongue and cheek about it. How about this? Maybe one person in her life, one person in her personal life who was disappointed. in her from seeing that. I think. If that was your daughter, would you be like, oh, my God, Danick? You'd just be like, oh, Danica. You wouldn't be disappointed at all.

Yeah, the family group chat would be like, Danny's done it again. She's a bloody, she's an absolute cabri. Yeah, I haven't seen Danny like this since Christmas. Don't you think if every single cross, I would love to see a week of drunk reporters and they may actually cut to the truth a little better? You know what I mean? like right now that no one really trusts mainstream media, I think if we get them all a little drunker, they might speak a little bit more blunt truth. I think, I think with with no cane,

which I believe is in, I want to say that no cane is going to be pushed. Honey, did you know about me and Amos's invention? Okay, so you know how you have alcohol-free beers? We have cocaine-free cocaine. So you can still be a party, you can sniff it, you can hang out with people, you can act cool, but you won't get any high and it's called no cane. What do you think? And tell her about the vitamins and the caffeine. It's got vitamins and caffeine and a bit of guana. Gives you a little bit like a coffee.

Okay, so my wife's down with no cane, right? Now, the news, what? My wife is so salt. She actually thinks it's a million dollars. Tell her what does she think of the name, no espresso? Now, how about no espresso? No espresso? nose

nose espresso brilliant she's on you're like no cane or nose espresso no espresso all right we'll send it up we'll put it up the flagpole to the marketing team and see what they say

I mean you could just snore instant coffee powder yeah yeah or you can just crush up a car did I ever tell you about my creation grandparents what they would do to me when I was sick they used to give me a coffee sandwich we send you off to Epstein Island if you don't behave Have you ever heard of a worst thing?

A coffee sandwich? So they would get a piece of white bread. Yes. Put butter. Heaven forbid they used. So it was like fairy bread but with coffee on it. But with coffee and they would just pour coffee over the top of it. It would be smeared across the coffee powder and you'd eat it.

This is true, dude. I took it once. I must have been 10. I ate it in the living room and I shit about 30 steps before the toilet. It came through me that quick. Yeah. It completely wipes the body out. No espresso.

That's what a no espresso does. Yeah, so I think Danica Mason's our legend of the week. Have news where it's all this drunk news. Drunk news, drunk news. We record the news properly. Every single reporter has had five drinks. Right? Because right now, look, the royal family, because right now I've been saying nothing,

but royal experts come on and talk nonsense about Andrew. If you just had a drunk person go, this guy's a, fucking creep. He's been found with some like trade secrets, but we all know he's a fucking nonce. What were his trade secrets? I'd rather watch that. What are the trade secrets and why do we care so much about them? Why, because it just, I mean, he's a trader.

He was giving away the information on supposedly what the British government was, what they needed to purchase, what some deal was some contract was. Why the fuck were they telling him any of this shit? He was, he was officially the trade envoy. Why did he get that job? Why is this man qualified to do fucking? anything except for being the queen's son. Exactly.

Just sit there and look pretty because he can't be the best man for the job. If you were driving past, if you're in Montecito out in Santa Barbara and you're driving along and you just see, you just see Harry doing his grocery shopping. He's coming out of Trader Joe's, right? Do you yell from the vehicle, your uncle's an aunt's? You couldn't help yourself, right? I think he'd be fine. I think they all hate the uncle, doesn't they?

I think he'd give you away at the side. Like, you've got to lead into it. Right, next story. We've got a bunch to get through. Have you ever been to Mexico on vacation? I have. I've been to Mexico and performed at a Mexican comedy festival and been in a resort. And whilst I was at the resort, there was a shooting on the resort where the cartel came in

and shot a guest in the hotel that we were staying in. we heard the bangs and everyone in the restaurant, I was like, oh my God, what are we going to do? And everyone in the staff were like this, oh, don't worry about it. It's just a cartel hitting another drug dealer. They're not going after you. Like there's a shooting. Like if you hear a shooting in America, everyone scurries because they believe everyone's trying to kill everyone.

In Mexico, at least it's targeted. They were like, don't worry about it. We finished our meal. Mexico is on fire right now because Mexico's most wanted drug lord, El Mentiono. El Mencho. El Mencher. I like that Mench. He's a mencher's a good guy.

This is El Menchio. Yeah. Who was killed in a military operation. They put a $15 million reward on him, leading to his arrest and or conviction. Mexico's most wanted man and the leader of the feared Jalisco. Is it Yalisco or Jalisco? New generation. Halisco, Halisco.

Is it Halisco? Halisco. Halisco. Drug cartel has been killed during a security operation to arrest him. The defense ministry has said. His name is Nemesio Oseguera Servantes, or known as El Mentiono, died on Sunday as he was being taken to the capital, Mexico City, after being seriously injured in clashes between his supporters and the army. Four members of his cartel were killed in the town of Tapalapa, the central western Chalisco State, three army personnel injured. So basically, I don't know if you've ever seen the cartel.

they are prepared and equipped like Navy SEALs. They've got bazookas, they've got full arsenals, they've got military tack gear, military vehicles. Oh, I met ones, but you can't tell. And they're fighting in the streets and the airport right now of Puerto Vallata. Have you heard of that luxury? I'm just happy when you have to pronounce foreign words. And you go for it and you roll your tongue.

It's so insincere, but carry on. It's like I work at SBS in the world. Cup. Puerto Vallata. Vayata. Vayata. Vayata. Well, have you seen the video footage?

Have you seen the video footage right now coming out of there? You know what that was? Just for the story, that was El Clappo. El Cappo. Tell me more about El Clepo. El Cappo, he's a good drug dealer, but you don't want to fuck him. I thought El Clappo was, that's Prince Andrew's name in the Spanish countries. That's what I say to doctors in South America.

El Clappo. El Clappo. El Clappo. I need to fix El Clappo. Okay, check out the video I just sent you. The city's on fire. Mexico is having, it seems like there's a full war going on between the army and the cartels and potentially American hostages been taken in the airport. All right.

Here we go. Playing the air. Holy hell. Yeah, it's completely on fire. In fact, my friend Andre is on a vacation over there at the moment. So I just text him about an hour ago and thought him, get the fuck out of there, dude. So what are they doing?

They're just, who's arresting people at the airport? I'm confused, right? So the cartel's not doing this? Well, so the cartel's just shooting and they're going to war with the military. And there's conflicting reports coming out. So I'm just going on what's happening here live and they're saying that they might be taking hostages in the airports to hold against. the Mexican military, because the Mexican military has worked in conjunction with the U.S.

to target this Almencha. All the Venezuela and the thing and all the druggers. This is a thing. And so there seems to be like a full cartel U.S. backed military. I'd tell you what I'd be, I'd be waving my Australian passport around. I'd keep the America one of me back pocket. Because I don't know if you've ever left the resort before in some of those towns. I've walked into town, in Toulom and stuff like that.

I've walked into town, yeah. And you just see, you see full fucking military machinery defending the hotel. And you realize inside there where you're having your few beers and your hotel buffet food on that beach, you are surrounded. Oh, no, no, no, no, that's why I'm in a Y guy, right? It's three times the price, but I get to wander into the billabong shop, buy some quicksilver. You know what I mean? Like I don't have to stay on the resort. Anytime I'm in one of these countries where it's like, don't leave the resort.

I'm like, fuck that place. I don't want to go to that place. Because I'm one of these morons. I would be out there trying to leave the resort because everyone thinks they're Anthony Bordane now. And they're like, oh, you've got to get your charo from this shop down here. It is cartel owned, but it's the way that they hand roll the pastry and the cinnamon's more authentic than you can get in the resort. man Anthony Bourdain can go and fucking suck one I'm staying in the resort at this point

the world's on borderline collapse there is not one parco worth me getting outside of the American district at this point Isn't that this isn't is this huge news or is this Like it happened 20 minutes before we started Oh really? Okay so there's so much shit in the world burning down that I'm like this didn't even make it into my red

So it just happened Okay I just sent you another video Put that up Okay, all right All right, here we go. What's that? What town's burning down? That's Puerto Verata, as I say it again.

Porto Verata. The whole thing's gone to shit. There's fires, not just one fire, there's mass fires all over the place. Yeah, your bloody ex-partner, Kate, she's down in Mexico all the time. Tell her to take a break for a second. Mexico or Columbia. She's out there dancing and she's doing the salsa and the sombering and stuff. That's how she gets a groove back when she gets bored.

But you look at this, and for ages they've said, like, are we going to designate? Because if you went in and took out Maduro for supposed drug reasons, which we know they didn't, they want up the oil. I've taken Maduro, it works just as good. Don't you think it would make sense that they would go and fight this cartel now? How big is the cartel's army, and who are they exactly fighting? Are they fighting the Mexican army? or are they fighting the Mexican Army but supposedly America is giving intelligence

on their positions giving the cartel intelligence no they're giving the Mexican army yeah okay so the Mexican army is going the cartels here here here here and the Mexican army and also the Mexican they couldn't they take out a mencho the Mexican police are on the take

like they're proper like if you get pulled up you can bribe them and you move on with your day right so you've got to think that a lot of members of the armies, a lot of member of the police are in the cartels pocket, maybe most of them. And do you remember in the Mexican elections, how many politicians were blown up? So it seems like if you're not blown up, you probably are working for one of the cartels, the Shinola Cartel or the Sonola Cartel.

So it's either like the government themselves probably work for one cartel and are taking out competitors. I don't think there's anyone above board there. This might be a time for us to actually send down some soldiers. Is this like a thing that we're going to. might actually happen? I mean, I don't know if we can afford another, can we afford another front war? And if that is the case, if America did go to war with the cartel, because they are bringing

in drugs, think about how many cartel members would have lived in the United States. We've got to start getting along with Canada, don't we? We can't afford to have another border that we're just not getting along with. We got, we've got to be nice to the 54th state or whatever the fuck it's going to be. Because it seems like if we do go to war with a Mexican cartel, which I don't think we're going to. I don't think there's any... Why not?

I'd be down for a Mexican cartel war. That'd be something... Back in the day... You live in Los Angeles. How many cartel members would be there doing acts of terror? Oh, I'm not down for that. Yeah, I'm not down for that. Don't do that.

But this is what people have been saying forever about the open border, right? Is if you do have cartel members here and then you start taking them out, why wouldn't we be in a position where they are blowing up things? But isn't a lot of this, not just because they killed a...

the cartel leader. A lot of this has got to do with the ice stuff that's going on and all that type of stuff, right? There's got to be a lot of... No, this is just because they had El Mentiono. They were transporting men. I think they were trying to do a jail break. And then he got killed in the... While he was being transported.

So I feel like anti-American settlement has been going on for a while, right? And I believe that this is just ready to... So, so like at the airport, you said they're going after just... Any tourists? Well, the airlines are like not taking off. And so the tourists are all huddling in the airport, but there's men with guns around there. So this is happening live as we speak. I have no idea where it's at right now.

Since we've been talking, I haven't seen as much because I've been focusing on pyramids that used to be nuclear power. Yeah. I can't believe it's taking you this long to bring up this story. Also at this moment, on the lighter side of news. You know how news always used to end with like a puppy that raised a diet? Right? And then you're like, oh, the pyramids, the pyramids, the pyramids, the pyramids are a friend of mine is in an airport right now and he might be dead. That's where you're at right now. Because I'd never heard of El Mention. It seems like every three years, there's just a new guy with L something, El Chapo, El Mancho. I'd be fucking checking out McPherson.

What the fuck is McPherson? El McPherson. Oh, my God. See if she's up to no good. Oh, the most feared cartel member of all, El McPherson. Coddame the body. Yeah, yeah, when they find a dead, they go, the body. Yeah, so listen, I'm going to stick to my Australian vacation.

Thank you very much. No, you go to Hawaii, you go to Australia, you go up to Canada, to a lovely place of Canada. You can go over to Europe. But, you know, as we said, I feel like Eastern Europe is rocking it out. My brother's in Belize right now. Oh, bitch, Belize. He said he was at the bar last night, and there was two young dudes hooning around on golf carts, and they mounted the curb and nearly hit his fiancé and her friends.

Right. And my brother went, oh, lads, easy on the gas. You nearly run into the ladies. Settle down. Acting crazy. And these guys got in his face, and then they left, and the owner of the nightclub said, man, they're cartel. You need to leave and you need to leave now.

And so my brother gets into a taxi and the guy was like, go straight home. They're going to come back and kick the shit out of you with more of their friends. And my brother went, nah. So he gets in the taxi and he says that three golf carts came back and just pulled alongside them and smashed the shit out of the taxi as they got back to the condo. And then last night, his fiance, my brother's fiance goes, all right, where do you want to go out for dinner tonight? And he's like, are you fucking shitting me?

where do I want to go for dinner tonight? How about in our room? And then we get the police to take us to the fucking amp. Yeah, and get the rooms there's. Don't even show your face. Leave it at the door! Here's my brother trying to serge people. And the funniest thing was, is three days earlier, it was like,

I just love being off the beaten path, you know? I know that you like going to fancy resorts, but me and Cass, we love to keep it real with the people, you know. Oh, yeah, you don't want to keep it real. You want to be isolated and shelter. I don't know how many times I have to tell Westerners this. We are puppy dogs and if you want to go live with the wolves, we are too soft to be out there keeping it real. So speaking, how's the wedding planning going?

Yes, well, I was telling you about this. I've been paying attention to it. That was the worst segue ever. I've just baited you into this. You probably shouldn't talk about this on the podcast. You will get in trouble. But they never listened this long. The family never lasts this long.

They would have stopped after the pyramid. You'll be right to talk about it. So I had an argument the other day about the photographer. Of course. Now here's my views on the photographer. Now, now ask me the question, how much should a wedding photographer cost? How much do you reckon? Because I, you asked me this question.

You rang me up and said, how much should a wedding photographer? And I said, 800 bucks. Now, I've gone in line, that is grossly under a 800 bucks is a bit too much. But you don't buy the photos, do you? That's all inclusive, right? So, two grand? Well, that's the number that I would. was thinking. I also thought we have camera phones everywhere. So you'd imagine most people are

shooting lots of content. There's going to be a thousand different photos. And also, is there anything worse than that bit? You've just had the wedding. It's before the reception. Then they take you off to the side for a fucking photo shoot. And you're just like, bring the boys in, take the boys out. Bring the girls in. Now the flower girls. Now the parents. Now this. Now that. What I'd be correct in saying, you get one couple photo. You get the groomsmen, the bridesmaids in a line. You have a couple of those photos in your house. If you have any more than that, you're a psycho.

No one ever watches them. Anyone who makes a wedding video, who are you doing that for? You'll never watch it. And if you do watch it... Where's my wedding video, Jack? Where is it? You have a copy of it. Yeah.

All right, that's where my wedding is. Have you watched your wedding video again? I've never watched it. I would like to watch it because people were chatting during my wedding because everyone was in, would you watch my wedding? Did you watch it on Zoom? I was trapped in Australia at the time. Were you?

Yeah, you were also typing on there? You got to see the little messages and everywhere. It was a lovely wedding. Everyone just got dressed up and then they zoomed in from wherever they were in the world. We just went in a private plane, right? We went into a private plane to Las Vegas. The Belagio gave me a hotel room because I performed for MGM and all that company, right? So they gave us the most beautiful sweet ever.

It was the middle of COVID, so no one was using them. This thing had bedrooms and swimming pools and a hairdressing salon and a sauna. It was just the best room ever. The actual wedding, the marriage costs us, I believe, $120, that you had to pay for the people to, you know, the person to ordain it and all that type of stuff. You rocked up. And the whole wedding, because my in-laws, when we got to Spargo, they had paid for the meal. It said someone had rung in earlier and they're paying for this. So my in-laws paid for our meal for the, I believe, 10 or 8 people that were there.

It was me, my wife, my son, Hank. um, uh, Kate, who's my ex and Hank's mother, Jason Whitehead, Forest Shore and Jade and Nikita. So we had eight, as I say, eight or nine people, right? So that's, that's all we had. My whole wedding from top to bottom, including the private jet cost $12,000. Okay. So how much, how much do you have to pay for this photographer, man? Well, I looked at the budget. The photographer wants $15,000 for the day. no no jacks no jack to do it jack jack jack i'm not jac jac jac jac'll do it

jack will do it before here's the thing this this is the wedding scam of the united states you're at this resort you need to use one of their wedding planners the wedding planner operates on a percentage of wedding cost and so i said to the missus she's going to run the budget up i've done the edinburgh festival before i know how this works and people work on percentages She's going to run the costs up, tell us that we have to use her vendors. The price is going to go through the roof, so she makes more. This is not about us. This is about them.

$15,000 is fucked. My comedy special is far less than that. I said we could find a random man on the street and give him the camera and go, take a photo of us, take a photo of the families, help yourself to the buffet. I'll give you $500, snap some pictures there, and we'll never look at this shit anyway. $15,000 is insane. So I put it into AI because I said 800 and then they said on the cheap, I'll read what AI says. And AI knows.

I just put it into Google and AI shot me back this message, right? So, low entry level, one to $2,000. Mid-range experience, $2,500 to $5,000. High-end luxury. High-end luxury is $5,500 to $10. $10,000. That's it. Then you've been charged 15.

Mate, that's the cheapest one. There was someone for 35,000. Okay, but have they included lube when they're raping you? Can I tell you something as well? They're going to make it pleasant for you as well. Like, fuck me. All these, because people, you know,

and I have to check my blind spot because you and I work in entertainment. We have our special day all the time. Yes. That's one of the things. It's your wife's special day. She's going... Well, she's not happy with it either, by the way.

I'm not... All eyes are going to be on her as she walks down the aisle. Everyone's going to say how beautiful she has. And we live in a job where we walk out to a whole lot of people cheering. Weekly, we do this. Everyone's clapping and all that type of stuff and you know what I mean. But I looked at the... I looked at the footage, right?

Now they're trying to impress me with look how good the video is. Can I be honest? the best video you can get. All this sharp edited, really beautifully shot wedding footage is not as good as an uncle with a handheld handy cam walking up to everybody going, and here's Arnie Jill. Say hello, Jill. That's what you want.

Say something nice to the couple. Do you think? And Jill's a few sheets to the wind and she's like this. If they last four years, they'll last the whole time. But I think it'll be done before then. Stop filming me. Why are you filming me? And then he'll move the camera and zoom in on an uncle.

Third slice, is it, Larry? There's a red light on. That means it's turned off. Red never means go. That is a problem with camera technology. Why is the red light on it? That should be a green light all day. Are you telling me anyone who worked for Vogue magazine or whatever their bullshit credits

could ever deliver the same quality as Uncle with a handy cam in 1999? I'm not 100% sure in this, but I've had a photo. shoot for Rolling Stone magazine and I think the photographer got paid less than that. Like no one drove up in a fucking Ferrari. Okay, so let's do the maths. Let's do the maths. How many weddings do you think this photographer would get a year, right? So.

I'm going to say one a weekend. One a weekend. 20 weekends. 20 weekends a year. You don't think that they're going to do more than 20. Let's say this is being super consistent. conservative, right? 15,000 times by 20, which we all know it works out to be 300,000, right?

300,000, you're out a weekend. Yeah, so you reckon that's a 300K job. You're a 300,000 American. So put it into context, Australia, half a million Australian dollars a fucking year, and you're a wedding photographer. You're in the wrong game, boy. just get out just fucking dress a bit more fancy put a scarf around your neck and get a camera jack's got a camera jack looks like jack's going off we're recording his podcast on a sunday because

jack's got to film a photo shoot on monday you didn't get the job so now we're recording this on a sunday for no reason oh the quality of the pod's been low i'm hung over i've got up early to watch canada and america ice hockey who won that who won that america won't well done I'm American. God bless us. So my point being, that that cost was already high. Now, I've been arguing a lot on the cost. Now, it's obviously the daughter's family that pays and they have more money than my family.

Yeah, but that's not it. But I want to save their money, man. There's also no such thing as a free lunch. You have to hear your father going, we spent so much money on his wedding and I don't know. He's become an old Jewish guy. It's an old Jewish man. What are we doing? I could take a photo myself.

I could draw a cave painting that would be even cheaper. Realistically, I will only display three photographs, right? So that's, that averages out at 5,000 a photo that would ever be displayed. So each photo is $5,000, which is basically more than the rent of my entire property. So I will have. If I get to do a speech with this high level quality of cameraman stuff, I'm releasing it as a special. I might as well have them.

There's one of these quick little ones. I'll say to Netflix, I go, pay me a quarter. It's only 15 minutes long, but just turn it out there. I'm already going to be wearing a nice outfit. I've got a good crowd, a warm crowd. I may just end up shooting one also. We could all get one in. Yeah, we can all get one in.

They'll be like, yeah, you're doing well with the crowd. But all of your jokes are about a person called Annika. Dude, imagine on your wedding day, it turns into a special where you just go, here's some new jokes I've been working on. My wife, she's a real bitch. take my wife. You do the I am sick of my wife by your reception. That would be a great hook for a special.

It's the quickest special in history about a man hating his wife. The word of marriage is two weeks, not even two hours old. And he shot it. Would that not be a good hook? I shot my special about my marriage at my wedding. Yeah, that would be a good one. But you'd have to give an hour of speech to do the special. And you could do it.

And your wife's just sitting next to. you and it just be a roast of your wife. There might be a funny special actually. People like that. Wouldn't that be a good special actually? That's not a good idea. All your comedians roast you guys as a couple and then you roast them back? Yeah, and then everyone does no cane.

This is good. See that? That's good stuff. Right. Okay. Drive home with batteries that don't run out. We've got something. We're on to something.

Don't take our ideas. They're good ideas. Do we have anything else that we? No, I think that you being, you being fucked over by the photographer is my favorite thing of the week. I'm so, I'm so, man. Because, you know what? You're going to, next time you look at that man, you're going to be smiling the whole

time, right? Smile. And you have to look at that, cut, like this. Fucking 15 grand, cut. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want the camera to somehow fuck up. And it would be, it would be better for me if the photos failed. Aren't photographers a dime a dozen, aren't they? Because every time I go to a different town, someone,

like this, oh, I see you performing in my town. Do you mind if I shoot you? I, I, you know, Instagram model-y girls. I've dated a few of them. Oh, we've lost him. We've lost him. You just hung up. You fucking polish this turd, Jack. Take some pride in the polishing of these. Yeah, polish this turd. Fucking roll it and glitter and set it out there. All right, Jim, here's a story I want to do from South Australia. We have an election coming. Sure. And if you've been paying attention to Australia at the moment, one nation, which you're a lot of, which is a story. I want to do. is our version of the sort of Nigel Farage. Yeah, it's the Trump.

Outside a conservative party. It's Pauline Hanson who runs the party, who I interviewed on the Jim Jeffery show. And I since have bumped into her one more time. She took a bit of a shine to me, actually, Pauline. She called me Jimmy the whole time. Listen, Jimmy. Well, her party is growing in popularity.

Her party brought out a cartoon, which I actually thought was really funny, called the Super Progressive movie. It's South Park, but it's right. wing and I laughed through the whole thing. I was a fan of the film. I thought it was very funny. So in the state of Australia. I didn't agree with most of the things that were said in the movie, but I thought the

movie was very funny. In the state of South Australia, there's a guy called Pila Malinouskas. He actually went to my high school. He's our Premier. Premier is the equivalent of a governor, ladies and gentlemen, if you're wondering. And he was talking about why One Nation is wrong and why we need immigrants. to come to South Australia and to Australia at large. And he sort of let the masks slip a bit, and he said this.

You can never say that Amos has his finger on the button. Oh, we meant to be doing this. Oh, you were meant to play the, I don't have access to it. One Nation. One Nation? And he said this, and I was just looking at you. What did he say? I really slipped into what I used to work in professional radio, and I'd go, and he said this.

And he said this. Press play. Don't even edit that out. That's too good, Jack. That just shows... My message to One Nation voters is who's going to feed you and bathe you and wipe your bum when you're 90? Right?

Because it ain't going to be your kids. Because if I get my way, they're going to be working on submarines. With high-paying jobs so they can afford to own their home. That has to be built someone by someone. And who's going to do that work? Right. So his message is pretty simple. Who's going to do shit jobs?

And it's like, sometimes I think... What he's saying is, we need foreigners to come here and wipe our ass. Sometimes I think of immigrants, because I'm an immigrant myself, and I think, is this a better life? I don't know how bad your other country was. But if you have to move to Adelaide and fucking wipe some old person's ass, like, just... Listen, I remember when my Croatian grandparents would talk to me. You could always rebuild Palestine. It's not the end of the, you know, like this is, okay, carry on.

My, my grandma and grandpa came to this country in the 70s. Yeah. And it's like my great grandfather, he used to always said to me, I won't come to Australia. So Sharon and Dave, I can wipe ours. This is a land of great opportunity where I can wipe the sheet from Englishman. If I am very lucky, this country will let me make sure the Sphincta is a perfection. I clean ass of men so that this rich man's son can work in submarine. He goes every day to submarine factory with the cleanest piece of ass in the world.

Why is that such a good job? We're getting to work in a submarine. That sounds like a living house. Because the South Australia is obsessed with making submarines. That's like our own industry we've got. If I am my way, my kids will be in a day. my kids will be in a tube under the water. We're got to bring Bangladeshis to finger your bum hole

and your sons to be trapped in a metal tube. Yeah, I didn't fucking vote labour. So, they could have a shit life. My kids will be sleeping in bunk beds in a tube. Have you ever seen Hunt for the Red October? You'll be like, you'll be there. You'll be in one of those tight, contain, metal cylindrical hells. But at least you're not wiping your own mum and dad's

ass. That'd be horrific. Out in the fresh air. It's like there's always this thing that happens in progressive politics because Zach Polanski of the Green Party in the UK did the same thing. They're obsessed with saying, you don't want immigrants. Well, we can take advantage of them, idiot. Yeah, but it's also, you have people who work in nursing homes and you pay them that money

and all that type of stuff. And also, look, here's the deal. Who's going to wipe your ass when you're 80? this is why I married young, right? You don't think I'm married young for the conversation. You don't think I sit down there with my wife listening to what the early 2000s were like for. Having to watch gossip girl? No, I married my wife.

She's staring up at me right now. I married my wife so that when I'm really old, like life I've lived, when I'm 60, so you can wipe my ass. In fact, right now I could do with a hemorrhoid pusher. What about this, Jim? Hey, Peter Malinouskas or the One Nation or Liberal Party Australia, let's be a little bit more hopeful. We don't need to import Third World Labor. Why don't you say, under our administration, each Australian family will get a bidet because of the year is 2026.

You know who's going to wipe your ass, the robot? I know the name for the campaign as well. Badee, mates. Paday, mate. Come on. You've got the bidet, mate. you put those billboards up everywhere. But hey, mate.

You don't like illegal immigrants? Biday, mate. It's true. I don't want anyone to have to wipe my ass. It's not good for anybody. It's not good for the immigrant. It's not good for me. I don't want anyone touching my ass.

I want a toto toilet. Also, also. Stop making submarines and make bidetes. If I get to the wipe arcing period, I assume I've had a stroke or something. something like that. Just, I just want an illegal immigrant to euthanise me.

Enough with the wiping. Can we, can we write, I'm going to be an adlaid for a friend. And also, also, wait a minute, also, where is this illegal immigrant from?

Because if it's a young Swedish girl who's outstayed a visa, we can make some exceptions for the rule. She can do anything she wants to my asshole. Yeah, also he didn't exactly say like, I know he means nurses, but he could also, interpret it like he's going, we're going to get heaps of foreigners and we're going to make

them wipe your ass. Like, you could easily listen to that speech and go into the government and go, my ass, it needs wiping. Where's someone? I need a Bangladeshi. Yeah, yeah. You get moved into like the camps, you know, for the refugee camps that you stay in for a couple of years, but while they try to process your paperwork. And there's like, where are you from? I'm from this country. What did you do back in that country? I was a heart service. I was a heart surgeon. We got a job for you. Dude, I'm just imagining my uncle Roger walking with his jeans down around his ankles, and he just goes, I pay me taxes.

Someone has to wipe his ass. Like my dad's, my dad's 84 and he hasn't had an illegal immigrant, he hasn't had an immigrant wipe his ass yet, I don't believe. It's coming. It's in the post. So stop making subs, start building robot toilets. And let's keep a Australia, Australian. That should be the one-nation response. My boys are downstairs. Hey, boys.

Boys, I will go ask them. Put your head out there playing in the backyard. Ask them, do they want to live on a submarine or to wipe daddy's ass when they're older? We'll find out a definitive answer. Listen, my creation grandma, Bubba, she has to get her ass wiped by my uncle every day. Yeah. Right? He's bloody an immigrant.

He should know how to do it. He should be, he should be like a ninja. at it. One of the worst days of my life. Wipe up, wipe down. Was when he told me, and I think you've had this lesson taught to you before. Hold on, hold on. He were getting a report back. Hank said he'll wipe my ass and Charlie wants to live in a submarine. So we're good to go. I've got one successful child. I got one child who really made it in this world, the old submarine, and then Hank's going to wipe me ass. That's good me and Hank have good chats. That'll be fine. I remember seeing my, I remember seeing my,

grandma's ass get wiped and my grandfather, the old fellow, did the mutter was showing, was showing me the technique. Do you know the technique? It was like the got milk commercial, but if you were doing blackface. What was the way that you were told about this as well with wiping a girl's vagina and ass? You got to wipe away from the cunt, away from the cunt. Away, exactly. Because women of all ages, I used to this routine, hate having shit in their cunts.

of all ages. So my grandfather. They hate having shit their cunts. They hate it. They complain. He made me look at my grandma's ass and go, are you watching? Look, you must cover here. You'll come in because one day when your wife is sick, you must do too.

Husband job. And you go in and you come away. And I remember as he was showing me that, all I could think of was your routine. Do you want a cake later love? You remember the routine I feel like I can think of Was telling him I know how it works mate

I tour with Jim Jeffries He's got a routine about this Women of all ages I hate having shit in their cuns That was I'll put that in me top 10 routines It's a simple routine But it's a public service announcement

That you can really take to heart I used to do a joke about that Because I have a picture of my grandfather Wiping my grandma's ass Like he's like leaning over And I took a photo of it purely I just remember thinking He's the greatest man I've ever

met. I couldn't imagine the dishes. You took a photo of the ass or a photo of him doing it from the side? Just him doing it from the side. Right. And can I have that photo? Well, I've thought about selling it as a Valentine's Day card and it says, I'll love you even if.

I'll love because that's, don't you think that's a far greater card of love to say? Because like young couples have a picnic. It'll all come out the wash. That's not romantic. Yeah. That's not romantic. That's the most romantic thing I've ever seen. That is the truth.

That is the truth, though. to have a person in your life that you grow old with who is going to take care of you for your sick or you take care of them when you're sick or has your back when you start to lose your brain a little bit, that's what marriage really is about, right? You know, it's, it's just a partnership where you go, I'm going to ride with you till the end and you've got to fucking hang out with me no matter what and be me best mate. But that's why you should front load with a lot of blow jobs for each other. So on the back, I was writing a joke about don't marry your best friend.

I've got to work on that routine. Okay, carry on. No, I was just saying, you've got to make sure you've blow people early in the relationship, so at the end you get some credits for us wipes. I tell you what, I don't know if I'm saying too much, but my mother-in-law is this and says, my wife's favorite way for me to service her is for her to sit on the face, right? That's her go-to, right?

Which is good because I could become a quad and do a really good job. Just, right, even if I had a stroke, As long as half of me tongue works, I'm good to go. I can keep this marriage on the tracks. I think that's what Peter Malinouskas, the South Australian Governor would like for our state. Who's going to wipe your ass? That's what you do is if you want to use people to wipe ass,

you find sick of people who need their wipe ass and then you squat over the top of them. Well, Gen Z all eat each other's ass, so they must be sitting there going. Oh, they're all, no, I don't eat. I don't eat ass. People have tried to do that to me over the years. I don't enjoy it. I've had people do it, and then I've gone, Is that it?

Because it's nowhere near a dick sucking, is it? Like a dick sucking is a wonderful thing. Everyone, no one dislikes a dick sucking. And then if someone shoves a tongue up your ass, you go, I guess it's nice. But I was raised with the phrase in my house, you think your shit don't stink. So the idea of going, would you eat mine? The level of arrogance required. The ass eating wasn't something that was happening in the 90s.

It was not for Australians. We were, we, I tell you what, I was. I went to the Clippers, Lakers going the other day, and I went to the urinal, and the length of some people's pubs that they haven't got the, they haven't got the, you know, like, when you're watching. No, it's in the urinal. Oh, I thought you were just taking a look, like a curious garden strung. You know, because there's so many thousands of men pissing.

You have to line up for the toilet. Piss, piss, piss, piss, piss, piss. A couple of hairs fall out, whatever. There's about four or five hairs in the urinal. And I'm like, we're talking, we're talking big. And I'm like, I get it. But you haven't heard the memo that we sort of trim this a bit. We try to, you know, even if I'm not getting a fuck, I like to trim me pubs down so

me dick doesn't smell or musty and all type of stuff. Try to keep it all fresh and nice, right? I always think to myself, you know when sometimes you pull your dick out and there's that little odor to it and you go, fucking hell. Do you reckon dwarfs have that even worse? Do you reckon because they're closer to, because they're closer to their dick? They're like, because I'm six foot and I find it horrendous every now and again. Well, I like to keep my pubs trim because the idea of one pub being longer than my actual penis is just very dis...

I'm telling you, there was some whackers and with curls in him. Great big one sitting in the trough, and I felt like going, who's is this? How are you still married? How are you living a life where you can afford a ticket to see the Los Angeles Lakers? This is your Columbo episode, is it you're collecting samples of pubs? Who does this belong to? It's just really young. Like, it doesn't take much.

now with all the clippers and stuff. I used to do it with toenail clippers. I used to hedge it like a fucking, we didn't have fucking, we didn't have manscaping things, that type of stuff back in the day. I used to, not toenail clippers,

the little tiny scissors that you use, right? I used to use the little tiny scissors. You'd get some nicks. You get some nicks. I lost about an inch, I reckon. I believe we're going to have complete automation. And so the idea of,

having imports of immigrants to do dirty jobs is pointless because we're probably three years away from Optimus Bots doing everything anyway. So I'd be locking down the borders and keeping everything as tight as possible because we're about to go into a new form of hell. There are no jobs. Maybe this next statement is going to age very badly. But there is no robot that will ever rub the asshole with the sensitivity of a human being. It will never get the give and take, the push and pull that a human being does. It's the same as we have robots that can diffuse bombs, right?

But in the end, we always have to walk a person up there and they can't be wearing gloves because they just have to have their hands because it's such sensitive work to actually diffuse a bomb, right? No, there will never be ass wiping robots. That'll be a quote that they'll play in 50 years and they'll be like, this guy didn't know what he was talking about as the ass wiping robot industry is through the fucking roof. I don't believe because, you know, I've wiped children's arses, my own, my own, right? And sometimes they push away from you.

Sometimes you're being a bit rough or whatever. I don't want a metal hand with a bit of tissue paper around it just fucking having a go. No way in you. They're like, I'd fuck one. If you get one that can finger your asshole or something like a robot, if you get the rubber really good and all that type of stuff. But I'm not having it wipe my ass. This episode needed to end so long ago. When you said I'd fuck one, the context was a little lost on me, but you meant the rover.

Yeah. What did you think? Oh, get the fuck out of here, you're terrible human being. Do you know what our codename, me and Forrest for you is? What? The cunt.