I Don't Know About That - ATM: Episode 60 - Unidentified Hearing Objects

Episode Date: May 6, 2026

At this moment, Jim and Amos laugh at Trump making fun of his NASA administrator's "beautiful ears." They also discuss how old people don't actually have wisdom, Amos' weird moving going tradition, and intimacy coordinators.ADS:QUINCE: Head to http://www.quince.com/atm for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.SOCIALS:Jim JefferiesWebsite: ⁠https://www.jimjefferies.com⁠IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/jimjefferies⁠FB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/JimJefferies⁠Twitter: ⁠https://twitter.com/jimjefferies⁠Amos GillIG: @abitofamosgillFB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/AmosGillComedy/⁠Theme Song: "Rein It In Cowboy" by the DoohickeysSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Yeah, killing in public was the greatest. I don't even bother anymore. Look, I found the picture. This is my own. This podcast is sponsored by Quince. Refresh you every day with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com slash ATM for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Quince, Q-U-I-N-C-C-E.com slash ATM for free shipping and 365 day returns.

Quince.com slash ATM. Gahe pie lovers. Hello, pie lovers. We're going to do this all the time now, pie lovers. We've decided that pie lovers essentially means Commonwealth Friends. With a few Americans thrown in there. This is the people who eat pies.

The British people eat pies. The Australian people eat pies. The New Zealanders eat pies. But Americans, they don't eat pies. I know you think you eat pies. They do eat pies, but just not in our way. And that's where the comedy comes from. Anytime you say, can I have a slice of pie,

no Australians have ever sliced into it. a pie. We don't have pies in our pots. We hold pies. The pastry is there to encase the ingredients, not to let it slop out the side of your plate. So, gai-lovers, welcome to the show. We have a big podcast coming up. What do we talk about? We talk about, oh, my opinion on a pop star, not Amos's. We've got a look at the future of protecting kids in schools with drones. We talk about Donald Trump's releases on aliens. We have a little bit. of YMCA updates. Well, we're going to have a little phone call.

Just a little thing at the beginning. A little, a little bit of something. Also, we're on the road, as we always are. That's what we do. I'm going to Wilmington to come and see you all again on the 15th, 16th, the Dead Crow of May. I'm coming. That's not this weekend, but next weekend.

Love to see you there. And Miami. Come and see me in Miami on the seventh. Jim, always on the road. Where are you are? I am currently off in Australia, filming something. To the people who are coming to see me at Omaha,

They have delayed that show. And my apologies for that more to be announced on that. But I will be making it to Kansas City, Missouri on May 16th. Buy tickets for that. Glenside, Pennsylvania. Come and see me there. Wilkes-Barry, Pennsylvania. This is May 29th and May 30th.

And then come and see me on the Australian tour. But here's some exciting gigs, right? if you're going to the World Cup to see Australia versus Turkey, come and see me and Amos in Vancouver. First early show, completely sold out at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre, but we have added a second show. There is a thousand tickets left on that show. It's a 3,000 seat theatre.

These tickets will go. 10pm on June 12th. And then June 18th, Big Game, Australia versus the USA, Emerald Queen Casino in Tacoma. that's just outside of Seattle. See you then. She hates when I dance to what sometimes you've heard to is the gay national anthem.

You know, that song was number five, 32 years ago, and it went to number one 32 years later. It's never been anything like, it never hit number one. It was number five, 32 years ago, and it went to number one for months during the last months of the camp. We love that song. Hello, Karen.

Hi, how are you? It's Jim Jeffries. I'm just ringing up again. We haven't spoken for a fair bit. I just wanted to see if we could get your opinion on Donald Trump saying that the YMCA is the gay national anthem. Well, she had no comment on the matter. So we're going to go that Karen has no comment, no comment. Obviously, she can't say anything because legal proceedings are still going on.

I brought this. I was going to show her that my law degrees, and I'd say, I can help you pro bono sue the administration. lawyer to lawyer, I thought I could give her my credentials and say... Oh my goodness. Because he's got deeper pockets than you and I. What if she just goes after Trump? When I rang her the other time, she fought and fought and fought. She told me that she would tie me up in legal fees and that I would be in court forever

and ever and it wouldn't be a good look for me and the gay community would turn, you know, all these things she said to me. And now that Donald Trump says that it's the gay national anthem, she's just, what are you talking about? Not just that. He also says that. that Melania doesn't like it. So Melania gets the ick when she watches him.

Yeah. Isn't it amazing that that's what gives me a Melana the ick is the dance that looks like he's wanking off the two cocks, right? Who would have thought that? And you got to, look, you've got to say the things that Melania has seen in her day for her to get the ick from that. From all that time she's spelled on Epstein Island, she's seen some things. So that's how horrific that dance is.

Well, she's got to fuck that. So she looks at what? Does she? I haven't seen the contract. No, she doesn't have to fuck that. No, no, no. Who knows? There might be some terms. No, no, no, no. I don't even think if she has to smell it anymore. She never stands that close to it. Well, Jim, before we, that's what I'd like to call now is opening show business where we address the show.

So we were going to see if Karen Willis wanted to join us in a class action against Donald Trump for him also getting wrong. Yeah, we were just trying to help out. We were just trying to help out, Karen. So she says, no, I'd like to address some other things on the show. A lot of people reached out after last week's episode. For people who haven't paid attention, I've been talking about my desire. Holder just quickly. Jack's got a funny look at his face because I used his phone

because he already has my number. And so you might be getting some prank calls sent to you. So sorry about that. Occasionally Karen Willis might be calling him in the middle of the night. Is your fridge running? Better chase after it. I wouldn't be surprised if Jack is the one that ends up being sued. For harassment?

Jack's going to take the hit. Okay, so on the show, we spoke a while there about Heineken Zero and all the people who have booze problems who get to partake in their sweet, sweet vice. I was a fan of Heineken Zero, yeah. That's the non-alcoholic beverage of my choice, yeah. With the sin taken out of it. And I said, well, I need to, you know, what I would like is cocaine that has zero. Coke Zero, no cane, fo cane. No cane, faux cane.

No cane, focane. Which is essentially caffeine powder Which you can bring out with the boys Get an eight ball And you can still partake in the rituals Of doing bags with the boys Without any of the staying up late messaging Everyone you've ever known

Or the British version Michael Kane It's only there to blow the bucket doors off It was only meant to blow me nose out So What I was looking at Was whether or not we could actually make that a product We're not the most sponsored

show you've ever seen in the podcast We have to sponsor ourselves. You have to back yourself. So what I've been looking at, Jim, is I'm thinking of bringing out our own branded caffeine powder that looks like cocaine in vials. You can buy an eight ball from us

of just pure caffeine powder. And it's called the ATM focane, because there's already a no cane brand apparently. Someone's already figured that out. Coke Zero, I think, would get us legal action. Coke Zero is a good name. Is it a good name.

Do you think we get a With Coke Zero, we just have to... I think they'd come for us on that one. Yeah, yeah, Coke Zero. We might be trampling on the trade... How about... Look, have you thought of this? Noak.

Noak. I don't mind Noke. Noak isn't terrible. Yeah, like Noke. Noakane. Nookane. And I've got another product for you. Right. What do you like? You like gummies.

Oh, yes. I actually... Since Charlie's come along, so it's been four years, I've started to figure out that. So my first son would never have just picked up a candy off the floor and eaten it or anything like that. The next one, he's wild. And so I got rid of all gummies from my house.

I've moved over all my weed is in tablet form. Tablets, yeah. Yeah, tablets. I've got a product idea that it sort of leans into your branding because I do notice a lot of podcasts sell vitamins and supplements. That's the big marker. I hear a lot of athletic greens out there. They've never wanted to sponsor us.

So I've got a company that we can launch called unathletic greens and it's green weed gummies. Yeah. And we still get Hugh Jackman to do the adverts. I have to be ready for Broadway. I have to be ready for movies. It's when he's coming down from all the peptides he's on for Wolverine. He takes this to take the edge of.

It's Wolverine, but like, chill him down with a bit of CBD. How would you feel if my own spare time did start the ATM vitamins company? If Joe Rogan's got on it or whatever, and Alex Jones was always telling here, is I'm going to do ours. We have Focaine, unathletic Greens, off it. Off it, bracket to your face. I've gone off it. All right, so.

That would be this slogan. Okay, it's called Offit. And we have the Fokane, we have the unathletic Greens. I reckon if I, reach out to us, if you want me to produce a small batch of this, I am willing to get on the phone. We have a person, right? We've found someone. I found someone.

I actually called a guy who's in the nutrition pills game from Canada. He's like, but I knew a guy. You can just buy bulk caffeine and they brand it up. If you want your listeners to get like the experience of just like straight caffeine, I think it's a great idea, man. Straight caffeine. Just straight caffeine. We were talking about the other day.

We could add granite. We could add all these other things. And then straight up cocaine. Cafe. We can make it, we could do it. Every fifth vial is actual Coke, you know. Have fun giveaways, but that's further down the line. One of them is a golden ticket, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, one of them's the Superfractor. So reach out to us if that's something that you would be interested in with Offit. Love Offit. We didn't have Offutt before this and now we've got Offit. I feel like we're on the right direction. I also think we should do, I used to do a joke years ago when this is true that a girl went, I've got a photo of you doing cocaine. This was sort of at the height of my popularity or whatever, right?

And she goes, I'm going, like it was before the Jim Jeffery show. I've got a photo of you doing cocaine and I'm going to go release it. I just laughed at it. And I went, I have photos of me doing photos. I've done cocaine off photos of me doing cocaine. Right? Yeah. And I literally, I literally have had, not maybe photos of me doing cocaine,

but I've done definitely off my old CD cases and old records. and stuff like that. I've cut up on my own face. No problem whatsoever. I've got a picture of Seth Rogen smoking a joint. Yeah, I know. Okay. All right.

You send that into TMZ. See what you can do. See what you can get for that. Hey, Will Chamberlain. I saw you picking up somebody at a bar, you fucking root rat. I have a sign Russell brand Bible. I'm going to release. That's not on brand for him.

I, um, what was the thing I was going to talk about just then, not the photo of the Anyway, carry on, carry on. All right. So I thought we'd nip into some news stories because there's so much to get through. Oh, just before the news stories, I want to talk about personal life. I like to start personal life when we do that. And, look, I know that this is, you can't talk about this as much as I can, but I have decided that the most controversial thing you can say in a room of friends, not even

strangers. Strangers are fine, right? In a room of friends, at a party, dinner party or something like that, if you just want to look up and just say Michael Jackson and just see how things go, I believe that's the most controversial subject, more than the Warren Hummus, right? More than any policy, more than saying Donald Trump. Right now, because movies are coming out, families are funny. We have a family member within my family who we're not really talking to right now, because we have very different opinions and an argument has broken out, right? Because there's two opinions you can have on Michael Jackson. You can have my opinion or the wrong one.

And a lot of people, and I'll just say, the people who bought the tickets for the movie are on the wrong side, I believe. But people will fight till the bitter death. If you're a person who believes the victims in this situation, you are a piece of shit. Oh, I thought you were saying that the controversial opinion was that Bruno Mars was better than him. Oh, no, no. You're talking about the molestation of young men.

No, no, I'm talking about the victims of people in the thriller video who looked all like mummies and stuff like that. I hear that they got lead poisoning for the maker. This is interesting. You are quite, you're quite the wokey on this. You don't even think that he should have a movie about him. He is an icon. You can have a movie short. Look, I grew up a Michael Jackson fan.

I like Michael Jackson as a performer but after saying that leaving that my opinion completely changed and I used to believe it before and then I fully believed it I used to believe it like I think yeah look I had it with a family member

they said to me they said I said here's some facts right Vanity Fair released an article of just facts right he one time slept in a bed with the child for 30 days straight right that's a fact that's been documented by the family that's how long he was at the family that was documented by security.

That's real bedrock. Right, okay. Yeah, that's, look, come on. Get out of this. Leave the house. Then, and then, so 30 days, there was pornography of... I couldn't do 30 days in a bedroom with Megan Fox in her prime. I'd be bored by that.

Not for the... You'd be so dehydrated. And then there was pornography of naked men in, in, in, that they found the house, whose Michael Jackson's fingerprints were on it, also children. fingerprints were also on the thing. Now there is an argument that maybe when he left the room, maybe they went and, you know, but these are just facts. The other one was there was one of the guy, because he had Vitiligo, which runs in my family. My father has Vitiligo. I have it as well. I am unknown to many people, a black person. But no, no, my family has Vita Ligo. My father has

it all over his chest. And it's even worse on black people. You wouldn't wish, I was never a person who believed that Michael Jackson died died his skin to look white. I believe he had vitiligo and then he wanted to patch it all out, even it all out, and that's what I would do if I was him as well. So I don't begrudge him in any way doing that.

But he had vitiligo spots on his genitals that were drawn by one of the children, then sealed up in an envelope, and then matched the drawing later on. These are all things that actually happened. Hold on, hold on. What do you mean? They got a kid to draw his penis

and then submit that as evidence. Yes. That doesn't seem admissible to me. If a child's drawing. If a child could spot out every ward on my dick, you'd have to go, hmm, bit of smoke there, right? In the same way that the women said that Epstein had a lemon. Do you know what?

They said that Epstein's penis is a lemon. Lemon shape. Oh, I thought it was just sour. No, they said he had a lemon cock. And if you mix up in a Lord, kids could sell things by the side of the street or something. When life gives these girls lemons, that's what. But something happened, right? So look, I'm not, look, there's going to be people coming underneath here.

He was innocent, blah, blah, blah, blah. I had a family member who went, who went, he just doesn't seem like a pedophile to me. Now, even if he's not a pedophile, what does one have to do to seem like one? Bring a Bible on a TV show. But what do you have to do to seem like one? Now, here's the kicker. Here's the kicker. is the kicker. My son

comes home from school. And he asks about it because all the kids had gone seen the movie and I said, this is my opinion. Not every member of our family have the same opinion on this, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I believe that he was. And then the rumour going around

the school yard is this. So even if you're on the side where you believe he wasn't, right? Even if you're on the he wasn't side, right? This rumor is going around the school yard right now. The only reason he had those kids at Neverland is because he was protecting them from Epstein. Okay.

I heard that Neverland was actually a place where he was rescuing them from the deep state. And just to say that everything right now comes back to Jewish people on the internet. You know, they say any theory will end up with an anti-Semitic underpinning to it. And the theory about this Neverland thing that I saw was when he said that song, Jumi Sumi. Yeah. that the Epstein cartel decided to plant evidence of him being a pedophile to bring down

Michael Jackson because he was actually a saint. Okay, but these are things. So Epstein had teenage girls and Michael Jackson like seven to 13 year old boys seem to be his bracket of kids that hung out with him. And I was having an argument with the other family member and I said, I said, well

Epstein had teenage girls. And the answer was, that's because Michael took all the boys away. Oh, okay. So that's... That's what happened. He didn't save the girls, though, so there's still a problem. Either way you look at it.

Misogy. Either way, yeah. Yeah. The biggest problem with Michael Jackson is his misogyny. That he only wanted to protect the boys and not the girls. Where is that movie? Where was Janet saving the young girls? Yeah, yeah.

She dropped the ball. fucking La Toya was too busy doing playboy spreads. She couldn't bloody do it. She was off with the fairies or trying to get plastic surgery to look like a fairy. Right? So she couldn't help out. If Michael went, I'll take all the boys and keep them safe in Neverland. Right?

Which is what Neverland was. Neverland was an islandist of boys, correct? Given that that's out, I don't know if I'll go and watch it. I'm sure I will at some point. There's only so many movies that come out. But Jim, I know you're a huge Star Wars fan. We're recording this on May the 4th, which is Star Wars. and there is a trailer that's come out for the new Star Wars.

I wanted to get your thoughts on this. Have you seen it yet? Yeah, yes, I have, yes. Okay, let's play it. I want to have a look at this trailer. Hang on. There is a child whose past holds the key to the future of the galaxy. Everything depends on him.

So do we run? Or do we fight? Wars the Mandalorian and Grogu. Rated PG-13. Get tickets now. I don't understand the controversy behind the trailer. Trailer's awesome. What's your problem?

What is that? What do you mean? What is that? That looks like it's AI generated. How far have we fallen from original Star Wars movies that made some kind of sense that were like samurai kurosaga movies about a hero's journey and now we've got a couple of plush toys? What is that all about? You out of your fucking mind.

The Mandalorian is one of the greatest things that ever happened in my adult life. and I'm looking forward to this movie more than anything you're not going to get anything out of me also okay so the original star was special effects had to be with little tiny models and that glowing up and the Muppets that weren't there and the original like Death Star

had pieces of battleship on it to make it look all right little battles you know what I mean and so now you can have big explosions and that type of stuff but you don't like baby Yoda I don't call him Gregor give me some yeah give me some human driven story Well, what do you think the Mandalorian is? But this is like, you need some faces, some human beings.

What do you mean? There will be faces. Have you seen the poster? Oh, you're saying there was no faces in there? In the trailer, I'm like, what am I looking at here? I'm looking at a plush toy baby Yoda, which wasn't that fashion. You reckon people from the Middle East are walking out of that cinema going, oh, just a mood for women.

It's just like, it's like the phasing out of people for robots. No, no. Have you watched the rest of the Mandalorian? I thought it was okay. I really was just there to see Bill Burr pop up here and there. It's fantastic. I'm not that. I have a Bill Burr collector cards from Topps' finest black,

and I carry it around to comedy gigs in me top pocket in case Bill Burr's there, because I want him to sign it. And I know Bill well enough to get this done. But you're not going to drive to his house specifically. I'm not going to drive to his house and just do it. I want to do it in passing. I want to be sitting next to Bill and go, what's in my pocket? You know, now that I look back on it, though.

And a Sharpie? Because Star Wars episode one was so ridiculed when I was a kid But that was our Star Wars I was 10 when it came out I watched it 11 times at the cinema Like every birthday party I remember everyone's 10th birthday

Would we'd be taken to Westfield Marion Shopping Center And we would watch it And I was like this is the shit Now I obviously like the other ones And I like these too And now I look at it and I go I actually enjoyed the political intrigue

Of Trade and Bargos Particularly now with the straight-up Hormuz So that's what happens right That's what happens with Star Wars He's the one. It's the same as James Bond. Whoever was James Bond when you were young was your favorite James Bond.

I actually like Timothy Dalton, right? And not many people like Timothy Dalton. I rank Timothy Dalton as a good James Bond. I've got a show for you without our way. No, no, Pierce Brodson was a pretty boy. You want Timothy Dalton had a bit of grit. See, Pierce is your generation. Goldnoy, come on.

We had the video game. Goldnoy is the greatest. General Udumov? Yeah, I know what you're saying. Zena? So you, so you, you. So I saw... I can't breathe!

I was in university when the Phantom Manus came out. And I actually, I'll tell you a story about this. So I went to go see it live. All my mates were there. And then I didn't buy tickets in time. And so... And it was before everyone had... Before everyone had, like, when you used to pick your seats.

You didn't have the computer. You just bought tickets to the movies. They never gave you seats. Right? You just bought tickets. And I didn't buy tickets. The whole show was sold out. So me and a couple of other mates, we bought tickets to another show,

another movie that was screening somewhere else like this, right? And then we went in and we sat down, just, you know, maybe three people wouldn't show up. You know what difference is it make? We went in the cinema when we got the seats. And fuck it hell, this lady gets out and she goes, there are seven people in this room. So I wasn't the only group. We weren't the only group who shouldn't be in this room.

we're not starting the movie until like a proper telling off and I am Spartacus everyone had to stand up and say yeah and I went come on guys we'll just see it later come on I had to stand up

before Star Wars and walk out cheapishly I tell you it was only me and my two other mates who but the other four cunts never said shit they got away with it and there was people sitting on the floor but I saw people sitting on the floor

in front of the first row and I went that's not right I can't let people sit on the floor while I was meant to be in the bridges of Madison County. Every time I see a Star Wars movie come out, I am transported back to a time when the cinema was something because every Star Wars movie, when they would come out, I remember you'd be watching the midnight session.

And the same as the Batman. The last Midnight movie I think I ever watched was maybe The Dark Night, and that was just so epic when that came out, and you would be there at midnight. Do you remember those days? I don't feel like there is, I don't think there's like midnight release vibes anymore.

Do you know what somewhat ruined it was that shooter in Colorado? We went to the Batman. Yeah, Aurora. We was at the Batman movie at midnight and then shot it and the people had to duck and that type of stuff. And that sort of made me feel like, I don't know if I want to go out to these mass gathering places now where, because there's no security.

You think that was a, what you're saying is that was a staged event by a streamer to end people watching. it in movies. Look, come and see me at Netflix as a joke. It was nothing to do with them, of course. It sounds like, it sounds like something Quibi would have done. That was, yeah, that was, MK Ultra was used to make that man shoot people at the cinema,

so people said, just watch it at home. You know the bit of the movies where I was like, it was a midnight showing, and there was a couple of people in there who had babies, and that was when I was like, you brought babies to the cinema, really? Do you know what my gag was? It's a dark name.

Yeah, yeah. You know what my gag was? This is pre-social media. It's not even the baby's going to annoy people. It's too loud in the little ears. You can't do that. I tried to go see you two at the sphere and there was a cunt trying to come with with the baby like,

why can I come in, I bought a ticket. He's not going to take up a seat because you're a fucking cunt. The baby shouldn't have all these flicking lights on its fucking face. Grow up, you prick. Yeah, I don't know why the babies have been. That's me talking to the aisle, not the baby. I don't know why the babies have got a tick. Maybe it's because they've been drowned.

bagged everywhere in the cinema. Yeah, yeah. People who fucking think once they have a baby, oh, we just take it with us everywhere. No, sit at home for two years, you asshole. Have your baby. So this is my old gag. I'm thinking about it now.

This was my first public attempt at comedy. And this wasn't even filmed. This was just for the boys. Yeah, yeah. I would dress up as like Harry Potter or something. So basically my character was I'm mentally handicapped of some variety. I would dress up as Harry Potter, but go to the Star Wars showing. So it was a very incongruous character.

So I'd have like a dressing gown, a wand, a Pirates of the Caribbean. The amazing thing about this is Harry Potter hadn't even been written yet. And I would go in because the movie would be packed. It would be like 400 people in there, so much anticipation. And I'd get the biggest popcorn and Coke I could. My friends would sit up the back. And then I would go, oh! And I'd run up the stairs to try and find my friends.

Stack it. Throw the popcorn everywhere. hurt myself, roll down the stairs. My mates found this absolutely hilarious. And then while the movie was starting, I would just lay there in the popcorn on the staircase going, fuck! Someone got to help me or not!

And then obviously, people go, fuck off. This is the whole mobile phone cameras. You were doing this before mobile phones. People would laugh, and then eventually they'd be annoyed. And then I'd just go, all right, well, that's my bit done. And then you'd just try and go, I just want to watch the movie now. And then Greater Union staff would be like, you've got to leave.

You can't. Now, I understand that Greater Union is a movie cinema in Australia. It's a cinema chain for us. Not just a union of idiots who fall downstairs who say, you've lost your fucking license. Today's podcast is proudly presented by Quince. Jim, I love Quince. We love it. Quince is the best.

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They used to have the greatest theme song ever. I want to escape to the movies, Greater Union, that's what I want. Do you remember that? Yeah, that's what I want. No, that's what I want. No, no, no, no. If it was Adelaide, they would have gone. That's what I taunt Lego.

I was, don't bring Lego back. Has anyone mentioned? I get hammered for Lego all the time. But my point being, Jim, I just miss those days of doing comedy for no clout. It was just, you just got laughs from three friends. One time when I was at University in Perth, I was at the Inaloo movie cinemas in Western Australia.

You know what the street is that the Inaloo cinema is on? What? The street is Blackbutt, so it's Blackbutt in a... Lou. Backblatt in a loo. That got a lot of humor when I was a kid. Very funny. So I was in the cinema and I was watching Armageddon. Right?

And so there's the bit where I don't want to close my eyes and they go up there and the meteorites coming towards Earth and will they drill the hole in time will they make or so everything. And then the cinema just went pure blackout.

Right? And then like when we went in it was sunny and beautiful. Right. Right? It's a longish movie. Two hours later, it was dark outside. And all we could hear outside was... Like this. Biggest thunderstorm rolled in fucking ever.

Power lines down in the last two hours. No one knew it was coming. So I opened the exit door, which opens the street. And I just went, the meteorites are coming. Like that. Killed. Killed. Yeah, killing in public was the greatest thing.

I don't even bother anymore. I found the picture. This is my own. I'm back when you could just make fun of the autistic and no one knew what they were. And, like, you know, the news would be there and they would be interviewing us kids. Like, how long have you been waiting for Harry Potter?

And I'd be like, I went myself. I did a wee right here. I'd be here for a day, you know? I was just playing an autistic person before we knew what autistic people were. Yeah, before you knew what it was. But that character, that was good. That was good comedy back in the day.

Yeah, that's solid. Look at these funny little face he's pulling. He's just doing, he's playing. It's a wooden spoon is the wand. Right now. You could argue that Ricky DeVay's ripped Derek off that photo. Do you know how many of my friends always come to my shows and they're like, yeah, whatever, you're up there, like, trying to do your Bill Hicks or your George Carlin material about the world? But it's fucking weak source compared to retarded Eric.

Potter. You know how I feel about the word. That word's my Michael Jackson. I can't make any comments. I'm too involved in the world of Michael Jackson. But just looking back on this picture, you know, that was 2011, how much the world has changed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In that time, in the, oh, I've gotten sadder, fatter.

This kid really believed. Less wise, many would argue. I was definitely smarter back then. I think about that all the time. I was so much smarter at school. When every day you were, like, learning. When they say that old people have wisdom, then why do they get conned all the time?

Yeah, because... I don't feel like they have any wisdom. I feel like they're like five-year-olds. I feel like the older you get, the dummy you get. Well, your brain calcifies and you only know the select area that you know. I think people were wise before. No wisdom left. All wisdom gone.

But do you know why people were wise before? is because the world didn't change for like 2,000 years. Your dad's life was the same as his dad's life was the same as his dad's life. We have technological changes where it's like. We should respect the elders with all their naivety. They don't know any better. They don't know any better.

They did before though, you know? Yeah, it's like they'll say the N-word and then you'll go, ah, look at the wisdom. They call it how they say it. And what's wiser than honesty? Brevity and honesty. Yeah. Yeah, so I do greatly miss that.

No, I'm not saying I'm not going to watch the Star Wars thing. I just don't have the same pep as a community to get in there. We're so... So I've been talking to Johnny Depp online. Oh, wise, wise. Oh, wise one. Oh, wise John. Tell us more of your tales.

There's a bloke who rang up and said, if I pay an extra $50, I get my FedEx package because it's been held at the station. At the station? You know where you meet a nice woman? The bus stop. I used to meet women down at the old bus stop there. My dad was always like that. You come home from a school dance.

Which girls did it? Which girls did? Like he was my age, right? My age, right? He was younger. No, no, no. So when I was 13, my father had me at the same age I had Hank, right? So when I was 13, my dad would come home.

My dad would come home from a school dance minute. And I'd go, what girls did you dance with? And I go, we didn't dance. We were just sort of dancing a group to the music. You know what I mean? Yeah, we didn't get tough enough. He's going to like, doesn't, bloody, something weird with this boy. He goes there and doesn't dance as by himself.

You didn't ask a girl to dance. Ask a girl to dance. That's something that died out after the Second World War. When was the last time you went up to a woman who wasn't elderly at a wedding, right? So he can't include them with all their wisdom, right? When was the last time you walked up to a girl and went, may I have this dance? Well, let me actually count on that.

I was in Texas and I went to lion dancing. Oh, no, I don't do it there. The one where they go around a circle? The one where they're all going to circle and then the barn's in the middle of the bar and they're all twirling their misses and then you've got to get out from the circle to the other side of the circle like a game of frogger.

I got cucked. I got cucked. This guy said some hilarious shit. He was like a smooth old Texan guy, right? It was light on his feet and he obviously picks women up at the bar. No, I'm incorrect. In Texas, they ask women to dance, yes. I'm dancing.

Anika's wants to dance with me because she's a dancer and I don't, it's not in me. I don't have a lot of rhythm to me. I've never seen you or Mrs. Dance? Oh, she was a dancer. You know, that was what she did. She did the ballet and all that sort of stuff. Several forms, ballet and lap. College was, you don't make money on the side for ballet at college.

Yeah, there's always like one girl who's using the bar too appropriately. So she was like sitting there trying to get me to dance and I'm doing my white guy stiff as a board like, yeah, you got me. I'm spinning her around once. This guy comes over and he goes, man, would you mind if I took your girl for a dance? He goes, it's awfully sad to see a heart rod not being driven the way that it should. He was with her.

And then he spanner. And then they lift him up and they spin him and they drop him and they grab it. And it's always like these are these are guys that are like super. but I love a dance. I love me, dance. I did have that feeling, I do a dance, whenever I can do a dance.

I would probably have killed this man 300 years ago. No, you know, you wouldn't have. He has a gun. No, while he was dancing, I would have killed the two of them. If I was a fellow Texan, I'll be like,

I'll stand my ground on this. Same thing, he would have beaten you. You think you would have beaten that, like? You would have stumbled. You would have stopped on you with his fucking cowboy boot, and you wouldn't have been trying,

you weren't trying to kick him with a converse. Yeah, he would have, He would have spun his pistol, shot me behind, and then necked my missus. Meanwhile, I've got the shotgun down my front. It's caught on my belt buckle. Fucking belt buckle. I keep the bullets in a separate pocket.

Why don't shoot me dick off? Why are we doing guns? Let's get into this, because I wanted to show you something. Jack, can we please pull this up? I've said everything on guns. Well, what you haven't said is any solutions. Oh, I have. Florida's got some solutions for school shootings.

I had my solution. Less of them. Well, watch this. All right, pilots, good to go. Here in this Austin, Texas Middle School, we're seeing how to stop a school shooting with a swarm of tiny drones. It's a new idea ripped from the world of indoor drone racing,

placing a nest of drones inside hallways. What do you guys call this? We've just been called it the box. And launching them remotely the moment a lockdown begins. So in a school shooting, most of the death happens in the first two minutes. And it's really hard to get an effective response there in that first two minutes. Justin Marston is the founder of Campus Guardian Angel, the Texas startup that envisions drones mounted on the wall of every school nationwide, waiting for an emergency.

For now, the system is still in trials here in Texas, with a pilot program launching in Florida and lawmakers in Georgia considering it next. As soon as people see it, it becomes really obvious and compelling. To prove it, I got to watch a test live. Bye. For this demonstration, the drone operators are right at our side, instead of in a control room where they navigate using a 3D scan of the school's interior. Part 1, speed.

The drones ripped through halls, scanning for a threat, and feeding point of view video back in real time. As soon as I can find him, five seconds later I can be flying. Bill King is a former Navy SEAL and co-founder of Campus Guardian Angel. Live drone video can be relayed to police giving them a clearer. Let's just stop for sake. I mean, at the moment it seems like the drones are just flowing around going, like, Oh, stop, stop, stop.

It just flashes lights because they go, well, these kids have got some kind of spectrum disorder, and so the lights are going to send it into a rage. I don't know what your take is going to be on this, but my take is brilliant, fantastic. like at least someone's trying to do something and someone's thinking outside the box, right? Well, inside the drone box, and this hole in the first five seconds, look, with any shooter, you would have the problem of if we put guns and stuff on, we put weapons on the drones, then you might shoot the wrong person, blah, blah, blah, blah, you'll have that thing, but better than nothing.

But sadly, we won't know if these things work effectively until it stops a school shooting or doesn't stop a school shoe. It's essentially turning elementary schools into the Ukrainian front where it's just drone POV videos. I wish we didn't have to have fucking fences, mate. I wish we didn't have to have walls out the front of the schools and that type of stuff. Like when I grew up, there was no fence around my school.

You just bloody walked onto campus. You know what I mean? Like, well, there was actually a fence what I'm talking about. But we didn't need it. So we're essentially going to be in a world where the kids are being watched with cameras and some kind of anthropic or palantial. computer system will be judging. There's already cameras.

There's cameras throughout my house. You can't walk fucking 10 minutes in my house without being, 10 meters in my house without being watched, right? Yeah, but I'm saying the camera will then somehow be able to crunch as much data as possible and be like, look at the blinking in this guy's eyes. He's spazzing out. He's about to go on a fucking rampage. Then it swarms drones and takes you out.

This is kind of what they want with the American streets as well. The drones won't be released until someone says there's a shooting. Well, that's now, I think eventually. you think eventually they'll just always be flying around? No, I think the cameras will be like autonomous. And then occasionally the drone will just come up. You'll be talking to a girl at the locker and you'll, the drone will be like,

come on, man, really? Look at her. Now look at you. Leave her like. Now go to class, mate. Seriously? Sorry, Jenny, that you had to go through this. You fucking idiot, Nathan.

It'll become like, they'll be the new teachers. It will be like Optimus bot teachers. It'll be robotic teachers as well that are armed. essentially to put the kids down if they do become a threat well they'll look at them and be like why is he wearing a trench coat because like if you were to use data to know who's a school shooter what would be your

minority report picture on what they look like for the most part normally if you had the stereotype if you had to what's the term profile you're profiling and you went and it was able to like analyze their social media profile and I'm not saying this with any data whatsoever

but from what I've watched on the news, I would say white male age between 13 and 18. When you were at school. And I would say long hair is not a good look for, you know what I mean? They always see. But then, you know, who knows? But that seems to be the profile at the moment. But I was at school. I haven't seen a, and I may be wrong.

I haven't seen a black kid do it. I'm yet to see, I don't think I've seen an Asian kid do it. If we were to profile, I would say white male, that age to that age. What would you say? There's no equity. I would say that there's probably, if the school is going to be bugged into a Palantir future, when I was at college, there was always a kid that had a list. Do you remember that?

And word would get out, like, he's got a list. No, there was no one at my kid. Oh, I had a kid that would come up to us and go, he used to say this to me, you're on my list. Oh, I have a list right now. I have a list right now. And I'd go, what do you mean? He goes, you're on my list.

and you can work to get off my list. You're not at the top. But the way you've been making fun of me, you're on my list. I'd be there with him. I'm going to fucking stuck with you, you little cunt. You would have been a fucking... He's in the military now. He's in the military.

The chance that you wouldn't have been a bully at school is fucking nil. You would have bullied the shit out of me at school. The only way that our dynamic works is because I'm a bit older than you. You think I would have bullied you? Yes. Because he didn't play sports particularly well? What? What Jeffrey Nugent, the kid who sang in the National Anthem at school and his mother was 350 pounds, you don't reckon you bully Jeffrey Nugent.

I certainly would have taken your mother to task. There's no doubt about that. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't have let that go. No. He would have brought that up. Jeffrey Nugent, the uncoordinated kid who couldn't fucking throw a ball straight, that guy. I had an immense respect for the funny, though, if you were funny. Also, who rivaled, yay, beat you in funny.

Would you would have not bullied the kid who was slightly funnier than you, slightly uglier than you with the big fat mum? I'm just saying my comedy I developed earlier than you. I'm not saying I'm not saying I'm just saying that. Ticket sales are saying that. Have you seen any personally? I don't say that. That's not my opinion.

That's the opinion of the public, but I think you're very funny. Now, so you're telling me. I haven't seen one picture of you dressed as a fucking Harry Potter who's a cowboy. That's because I didn't fucking need to have it. those things. We didn't walk around with fucking cameras the other time. I just dressed as a cowboy and just fucking went upon me day. That's what real comedy is, Amos,

is when you can make a joke and everyone laughs and you leave like it's nothing. You're still bringing this up 25 years later. What? You mean the time that I was dressed as an English pudding? Yorkshire pudding. The fact that you called that an English pudding, and how's the...

I'm doing that for the Americans. Yeah, it's a York. Yeah, what was that for? That was for TV. That was sort of kids television. Yeah, that's when you were on kids TV at 17 years of age, and you wouldn't have believed me. They're not a fucking chance.

You wouldn't have, you would have been my nemesis. I would have hated you in school. And then, oh, no, maybe we would have been mates. Do you think we would have been mates if we were the same age at school? Well, I told you this before. I was between the cracks because I was my school's football captain, but also the theatre and debating captain. So it was very interesting.

Congruist personality. I was the lead in the school musical. Was no way the football captain. I did sort of, you know what, though, for a bloke who was bullied and sort of awkward looking and really pale in Australia and fucking just, you know, I was, I was an awkward sort of, you know, socially awkward fellow. I did all right with the girls. Yeah, I did terribly with the women.

I've never had it with the women. You bullshit, you've never had it with the women. You've had it with the women. I was never picking up. I had a high school girlfriend from grade 10. I was like the married man of my school. I had a girl from grade 10, and we were together until the middle of university.

Let's give her a shout out. What's her name? My name was Olivia. What does Olivia do these days? She's in interior design or something like that, but she's got multiple children. How she held up after all the kids, good? Because I've said this to you many times.

Pursuing women makes you weak comedically. We're thinking of you. It makes you weak comedically Because I was like if you are trying to impress women, you're not very funny. I was about the lad. So you want to have a girl locked away. Because the guys... That's a quote.

Because guys that are trying to impress girls aren't funny. Because you're not willing to be like gross. Whereas I was like, look, get me in a sumo outfit. Do you understand? Yeah. The fact that you have these photos ready to go... I have a thing from school. Like if AI, if AI.

fucking went through your phone they'd go like this, you have a problem with living in the past. Oh, truly. I am a very nostalgic person. Do you know what my first stand-up joke was? I used to date this, a girl I have Olivia, and now she's got six kids. What's all that about? That would have been it.

Should have locked her away. She'd have locked her away. No, my first joke ever was about, you know, in football. And I'm Harry Potter. If you win in football in Australia, we sing a song at the end as a group in the circle. Yeah, if you win at AFL, the rest of the other.

song, it's a grand old flag, it's a high flying flag, it's the emblem for me and for you. Yeah, it's such a silly. So my first joke was I'm the school's footy captain and theatre captain, which means I want to win more than anybody on the field because at the end we get to sing. It was a real Steve Hughes type joke and I'd go, we'll be singing and I'm like, stop, Steve, you're flat. You've got to come to practice and work on this. There's no point winning a game if we're going to embarrass ourselves by being offbeat. We can't afford to have more wins with that voice. That would have been the funnier joke.

It's the 5% extra comedy that I give you. I thought that was good stuff. In fact, I won't bring that back to my act. I'm back with the bears. I'll talk about it off air. Okay, great. Well, I want to get into a couple of other stories. So, yeah, drones to protect our children.

That's the fucking world that we're living in now. It's a hellscape. But Donald Trump's got other hellscape information to distract us from how bad it is. So we have an ongoing war. We have machines. taking our jobs. We have drones protecting our children from killing each other in schools. We have rising depression and

Donald Trump is releasing a new distraction which is aliens. Jack? Mr. President, I have two questions for you. First, on the topic of space, do you have an update on the UFO files and what might be when we're going to be seeing this? Well, I think we're going to be releasing as much as we can

in the near future for some reason, and I guess it's just a reason it's been in the minds of people for a long time. That is such, they want to find out about the UFOs and anything having to do with UFO or related material, and we're going to be releasing a lot of things from that we have. And I think some of it's going to be very interesting to people.

I've interviewed people, my first term primarily, but I interviewed some pilots, very solid people, and they said they saw things that you wouldn't believe. So you're going to be reading about it. Look, I don't want to talk about this because the headline was, moonwalk during the administration. So, you know, look, it's too controversial. Let's move on to the next subject.

Wouldn't it be funny if it was just tied in integration with Lucas films and Donald Trump goes, we were releasing it? It's just the New Star Wars movie. So what's he really saying there? We're going to see some stuff? What are we going to see? They said they'd give us unredacted JFK, which they never really did. Remember when they said that the FBI are going to release all the fucking footage

and all they gave us was like that little tiny, fucking little, little tick-tac moving around a little bit and we go, we don't know what that is. We've got to improve cameras on things, right? Our cameras on our phones are better than security cameras. Like when they went to have the assassination during the Trump thing and the hotel the other day, and all we've got is that grainy picture of that guy jumping in. I'm done with anything that isn't in 5K now. If you show me any footage that's not as good as an iPhone,

I don't believe you. No, but then the other way, AI, if it's too good, it's AI. No, but AI, it's doing too much stuff. The best footage we have of Bigfoot is from the 1970s, of that one in the outfit that's just walking along like that, right?

We haven't improved on it then, and we've all got cameras. So that's Bigfoot fucking done. Bigfoot's done. There's no Bigfoot. We have cameras in trees and shit all around the Hollywood Hills. We have one near the Hollywood Hills sign

where this, where this Puma rocks up all the time. The mountain line rocks up and he looks down the camera and he sort of poses in front of the thing. Yet we haven't seen Bigfoot's foot just wander past fucking once. UFOs, I've seen a UFO. I didn't catch it on film, right? I told you when I saw it, I saw it flying over

Area 51. That's where I saw it and I saw it with a group of people and so obviously it was an experimental aircraft that is what I saw but it was an unidentified flying object. I've seen an identified flying object, right? Yes. But I didn't catch it on film, so my whole point is just being taken away. I don't know.

Well, you know, if you ever look in the Bible, there was always... It's very hard. To find my best passage, I have to go through so many pages. So many. And that's why I have it with me all the time, usually highlighted. I've forgotten it again. Normally, I just remember my Bible verses from Pulp Fiction. That's the best way to have a Bible verse.

The Hex-Sethian approach. Fuck, we never talked about that. How fucking good was it that the guy just went, he just quoted Pulp Fiction like it's an actual fucking thing. Anyway, carry on. Yeah, complete fucking clown. But a lot of people have always spoken about the biblical society. You know, pre-modern world, they would talk about the wheel within a wheel,

the wheels in the sky. Then there was... The first season of ancient aliens is pretty good, right? But if you watched one of the latest scenes... I love the Graham Hancock stuff. Yeah, like the early stuff where they're like, and this was the thing, and this many people witnessed it, and this many people thing,

and how did we come up with the Baghdad battery before the fucking thing, and how we got these pictures in hieroglyphics if they've never seen them, and then we've got cave paintings, and then you go, oh, it's fucking interesting, this. How is the pyramids at the longitude and the latitude of earth? Yes, the great pyramid was actually... a power structure. Right.

So how were all these things, something that, you know, happened was fascinating. If you watched season 17 of ancient aliens, they're just like this. Where did grass come from? That couldn't have been. It's a seed on a meteor.

Yeah, yeah, that must have come from them. One of the astronauts forgot to clean his shoes. Yeah, everything must have come from the gods. And gods is another word for aliens. Must have come from the aliens. Well, in the biblical scripture, you used to talk about the Nephilim, which was a race of giants before the Great Floods. And then some people suggest that there's giants' bones that have been hidden away in that the, what's the place in Washington, D.C.? The, where everything's stored?

The Smithsonian. The Smithsonian, they have not allowed people to take a look at these bone fragments that they think belong to a giant race of people. Okay, so that is all the whole thing. So Noah and his missus and his kids. So we all came from Adam and Eve. And Adam and Eve made a whole lot of people. And then they killed them all off. So we had to start again.

So we went from one batch of inbreeding to another batch of inbreeding. We all started with Noah and his family. And then they go again. But Noah and his family, they were meant to live to be like 200 years old or something. They lived to be really old. So someone religious will know more than that. And they meant to be eight feet tall. Right.

Yeah, there's nine feet tall. I've just Googled it here. The Goliath, a Philistine John. from Gaff described as being nine feet tall. But that's David and Goliath. That was the tallest bloke in town. I'm saying that they're eight feet tall across the board. No, I know.

That's the same as the Nephilim. We're like that, yeah. It meant to be like eight feet, nine feet tall. Yeah, yeah. So they were meant to be huge. And then through inbreeding, we've all gotten all small again. And we all became different. What if Donald Trump doesn't address to the people?

And he's like, there's aliens. They're called Chinese people. He's like, yeah. They're weird, right? They're weird people, but they know the gay national anthem. They know it. They dance to it. It's just Donald Trump showing pictures of celebrities who thinks might be aliens.

He can say at this point it's just any distraction to stop talking about how much we're playing around. So he's saying it's people. There are people like Senator Burchett or Representative, not Senator, Representative Birchett, who are saying that they've seen supposed reports of interbreeding between aliens, that the elite families of the world are actually a different alien species and that's why they control the world is there's also, you know,

where's this book I have here about the Nazis? The Nazis did a cult-like rituals in order to gain power and technology that they would sacrifice people that all great civilizations end up sacrificing babies in order for the demons which are supposedly aliens to give us technology. I believe in aliens.

I think you'd have to be dumb to not believe that there is intelligence. life on other planets, right? There has to be life. There might be not, there's definitely non-intelligent life. You've got to find like planets that just have bugs and shit fucking, in dust mites

and stuff like that flying around. But there's intelligent life. Do I believe they've ever visited us? Possibly. I'm a believer in that we may have found some alien aircrafts and that's how we've gotten some of our technology. Like where did Teflon come from?

Teflon had to be alien. the slinky we couldn't have come up with the slinky by ourselves fidget spinners that's alien from a race of aliens that are ADD well no they they left them because we're done with these now

we're done with them now we don't need them anymore so he's going to announce something this week he always announces it look what happened to I'm going to bomb Iran they've got two weeks two weeks is up Iran's still there I can't vote for this man he never follows through and his promises

Next clip, in no matter how much I get angry at Donald Trump, there's always something funny amongst the door. He's not the president because he's not charming. Watch this clip. He is charming. You want to talk about an elite level high school bully? Look at Donald Trump talking to this bloke in his office. Check this clip out. Are you considering relocating NASA's headquarters out of D.C.

wants the leases up states like Texas, Ohio, and Florida? Well, the best man to tell you that is a man standing right over here. You heard that question with those beautiful ears of ears? He's got great hearing. He's got a superhero. Trick of the train, sir. Also, the best bit is the cameraman zoom in. Make sure there's not too much wind.

He might fly away. Dumbo, Dumbo, he used to have a feather. He used to think that gave him the powers. The wings. The ears. The ear gave him the power. Absolutely diabolical zoom from the CNN cameraman. He fucking zoomed straight into those ears.

I wonder if like he did he get to HBO. I wonder if Trump told him, hey, where this question comes, you got to hit that guy's fucking ears. I love it. He'll just pull one of those out and then he goes viral for that and then we forget that gasoline's up on average another 99 cents this week. With those beautiful ears. Beautiful.

Look at them. Okay. We've got another story. Okay. Here's a question for you. What would you rather have? The biggest is going. or the biggest nose.

And you're not allowed to have surgery to adjust. I think the ears. I think the ears are easy to hide with a good haircut. You can't hide a nose with the haircut. You're bald with either. You can't, there's no cover up. Because you could do, because then you could grow a moustache and do a comb over.

To cover your nose. I comb back. I would go, I think I'll go with the ears. I think there's something regal of, Actually, a big nose, a big Roman nose, maybe. But you've seen people who have the nose, and you're like, just a nose job, they're good-looking person without them than not. You know, big ears.

I don't know. I don't know. I like the size of me nose and my ears. They're two of me qualities. I used to have no chin that I got lipo on that thing. Got lipo on that. That used to bother me the most. And I think, you know what?

I think having a bad chin was the reason I had bad, I have bad posture. Now, I have a proper hump, right? I can't get me head straight. It's because when I did have the bad shit, I was always like this for people. You had a turtle-like head, yeah. Yeah, I'd always go like that because if I stood up straight, it was just fucking down to the chest. Headlone, what about your glass jaw as well?

Quite notorious, Jim Jeffries, with the glass jaw. Well, I've never been knocked out. What are you talking about? No, I mean, just emotionally, you always say you can give it, but you can't take it. Why would you say such a thing? She's fucking hurtful. notoriously one of the

one of the strongest jaws mean-spirited fella just an emotional fella fucking out the only reason you wear fucking rugby jersey is you can't fit your head through a regular-sized t-shirt you fat-headed cunt sorry it was a bit too much

it was a lot now that's our book of the week is the Nazis and the occult if everyone would like to get on that now we've got to finish up why we haven't talked about anything when do we ever I didn't even get to pitch you my movie about pod racing. What, just, just the pod race. Yeah, just about, the pod race, when I bought a surround sound speakers, right, for my bedroom,

when I had my, I started doing gigs that were paying, you know what I mean? You know, you're when you're like, I've got three grand in the bank, right? When you got that amount of money where you're like, I'm fucking rich. Half the country is less than $400 in their bank account, right? I think we talked about this the other day. And so, so I was living in England, I had a few thousand pounds, and I bought, an amplifier and surround sound speakers for the TV in my bedroom so I could watch movies. And the first DVD I bought was the Phantom Menace because that pod race on surround sound

speakers is fucking something else. It's elite. If you want to test some surround sound speakers, that is just like that was George Lucas taking you to town. Well, what about that for a Star Wars movie? It's like the F1 movie with Brad Pitt, but it's about a pod. racer. Well, this is the thing.

I had living above me a man called Steve Hughes, right? And that it is a man who played heavy metal music every fucking day for 12 hours a day. And I just dealt with it, just moved on with me fucking day. And then he just came in, he goes,

Jim's home? We'll have to listen to fucking Anakin Skywalker having a race. Yeah, because he's doing high art. He's doing... He's doing Nordic screamo. I'd only had the speakers for a week.

And so whenever someone came into the room, I was like, sit right in the middle here. Here we go, I'm going to put it on. You never say. It was the Blu-ray. It'd just been invented. This was a big time for me. What about this for a movie idea? It's the thick of it, but it's about the inner workings of the empire.

Like about Graham-off Tarkin type situation, where it's more of like an office-based show on the inside. Yeah, they've done, they've done parenting. They don't sketches on that. They don't sketches and stuff like that. It's not a joke. Like you're saying the office, but on the Death Star. Yeah, Death Star Office. Death Star Office.

Yeah, it's not bad. It's my new show. It's the bloke who work the garbage compactors. Yeah, like him and like Darth Vader's like, you know, his assistant, his PA. Yeah, yeah, he's assistant. I've just been speaking to General Tarkin. You're not going to be happy about this. What?

would you mind not choking anyone in this meeting? We've got a lot of people coming from... Yeah, everyone understands that you were really unhappy the other day. But we are running out of generals. That general you just appointed, he was the janitor last week. We'd understaffed. Yeah, the HR team. We've got a strict no more choking out when the generals let us down.

This was the thing... Was I talking about this? So you have an indomitacy coordinator? We talked about this. Are we talking about this? Just the two of us. I don't remember. I don't remember.

So when I'm on him, there was a bit where I had to cup Tyreeks balls as a doctor and do the turn and cough type of thing, right? And then the intimacy consultant comes on set and just goes, so don't actually touch his penis. If you could just slap him on the thigh so that he can react to you, grabbing it, but don't actually touch his peat. And you're like, yeah, of course. And you go, okay, okay. And then you get told before you get on set, you go, all movies have intimacy coordinators. And I'm like, all movies, all movies.

Like, do you reckon on porn sets that they sit the girl down like this? So there's going to be eight men. They're all going to be of different races and of sizes. And they're just going to do what they want. Fantastic. If at any stage, you can mumble it if there's a cock in your mouth, or you can say it out loud if there isn't. Just go, intimacy consultant, and I'll come over, and you go, what's the problem right now?

Oh, okay, so boys, she wants two cocks in her ass, not three. Let's rectify that situation and have a happy production. I'm sure that does exist now. I'm sure it does, yeah. That's someone's day to know. Yeah, the intimacy consultant on a porno. So you're going to see some nudity today. You're delivering a pizza.

It's not a real pizza. It does become, I'm sure it does become workman-like on the porn set. You've been famously on some porn sets before. I've been on two porn sets, but I've only performed on one, but I've been on two. One time I was just there because I was invited by... And we can't ever find this? If you can find it, you're welcome to play it. I've never been able to find it.

I keep hoping. Okay, so most porn stars from the early 2000s, if you're going to Porn Hub or something like that, you can't find their videos. And they had hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of videos. There's a lot of porn that has been lost from the early two thousand times. 2000s that is just like... Like the great library of Alexandria. Yeah, yeah, no, there's been loads of. I think of all the videos I used to watch that I got in the 90s when I bought

videos and those porn stars aren't even remembered. And some of them were the biggest ones of all time. So the big one when I was like an eight teenager was Nicky Dial, you can find like two videos over online. So the one of me... So here's what you want to look out for. It's a game show host. It's Britney Spears having sex.

with M&M dressed up as a thing. Jason John Whitehead will confirm it. He saw the video. I have it in a box somewhere in Australia or something like that. But if someone can find it, you're more than welcome. It's right, actually, that you've brought that up, that all that pawns lost. Did you know that Aristotle, Jim, did you know that Aristotle, all the works we have of him are only notes that his students took.

All of his books were not published. And this is probably akin to that, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. You know, look, so if we can't remember... All of that, Brianna Banks. If we can't... Oh, you've hurt me hard.

All of the porn... And we're just doing porn from the year 2000 has been lost. And we're meant to believe that the Bible's accurate. If it's... Listen, if it's... If it is ultimately true, it will turn up eventually. Now, I've got one more stories for you. Did you watch the Kentucky...

Did you watch Kentucky Derby? Did you watch Kentucky Derby? I didn't. I'm not big into horse racing. I thought it was really interesting that it's kind of a thing but not a thing in that in Australia, if we had something, we have the Melbourne Cup, where we, and we've talked about this ad nauseum, no doubt, where we will have a television wheeled into our class as school students, where we've been asked to bring five dollars each to do a lucky dip of a horse.

And the people of Victoria, get the day off school. They didn't have to go in at all. You get the day off, everyone goes and dresses up and women wear fascinators. 50 cents, you've got to go in and I'll go, lucky boy nice. Why do you think that hasn't caught on here? Because now, let's be honest, gambling is so pervasive. It used to just be the track and casinos in areas. Now people are gambling what someone, what color someone's tie is at a funeral, at a state funeral.

Correct. You'd be like, what will the brother eulogize? The whole world's a casino. Why do you think the Kentucky dirty hasn't taken up? Do you know any Americans who would ever pitch a horse of it? It didn't even register that it has happened to me. I didn't even know it happened until you just mentioned it then. I know of the Kentucky Derby, and that's the biggest horse race in America.

But I know it didn't get on my radar. I only knew because the wife made me put $50 on a horse that she heard might win. Did it win? It did not win. It did not win. And she said she'd Venmo me the money. And that's why she doesn't get a fucking dance. And you know what she said?

She said, oh, Venmo you the money. This is her new move. you buy it and I'll Venmo you back and then I go can I have the money and she goes No no you still owe me money For that blanket that I had to buy for the house That you said you'd chip in for I hold here it fucking is here

Look at the size of this thing I I okay so my son owes me 200 bucks Right Right my 13 year old owes me 200 bucks You want me to shake him down I paid for something for him That he said that he would pay for himself and I give him pocket money

and I'm trying to teach him his text books. I'm trying, yeah, yeah, clothing. The utilities. Yeah, dinner. All of it, right? Fucking the fuel for the ride to school. He has to pay for the petrol.

Anyway, so he owes me 200 bucks and it's getting a bit weird now where I occasionally just go to the 13-year-old I'll be later. He owe me 200 bucks. I haven't seen it. What would be funny if you just don't see him anymore. He stops coming downstairs. Well, he gets his pocket money. He gets his pocket

money. It gets zeld to him on a direct thing. So I'm going to cut the pocket money off until the money's paid back. I'm just going to cut it off. If I had Hank's number, I'd text him. If I was, if I was to owe you money as your son, I would pay you in cash. And then when you're super stoned, I would steal the cash. That's how I tried to explain, that's how I tried to explain Michael Jackson to Hank. So Hank asked questions because everyone went and received the movie. Why aren't we seeing the movie and I said because I personally don't agree with the man and then he said one I said well

regardless of whether he did molest kids or nothing he had children sleeping in his bed who weren't his and so even that is enough information for me to go the guy was wrong right so yeah and then Hank goes well if you didn't touch him like I go you know I don't and I said

Hank how much do you like Amos did you bring me up? Yeah I said how much you like Amos how much do you like Forest, how much you like Jack? What do you say? There's like four grown men in my life. Will they come into my bed or not? Yeah, yeah.

We're doing the World Cup together, so we'll see how it all looks at. Anyway, so I said... Go get to it, quick. I mentioned four men in his life. There are friends in mine that he likes. Jack, you, Forest, Jason, right? I mentioned me four boys, and I said, would you feel weird if you were to sleep in bed with Amos or Jack? for 30 days straight.

And he went, oh, not 30 days. Exactly. Not 30. Right? Yeah. But at any stage, at any stage, would you sleep in the same bed as Jack or Amos? And the answer is no.

And then he understood it. He went, oh, yeah, the guy's a bit weird. Yeah, well, that's a good way to teach him. There's a hell of a game show, though. We've got four people. One of them's a pedophile. This kid has to decide which bed is safe to sleep in. Yeah, yeah.

You just shouldn't be sleep. And these are four. four men in my life that I trust, that I trust. And at any stage, one of you went to me, because he asked the parents, if one of you came to me at any stage and went, can your son sleep in the bed with me, just for the night? We're going to watch cartoons and have a laugh. Yeah, like you said, we're going off to go watch the football at the World Cup and your son's coming.

If I said, Hank doesn't have to sleep on the couch, he can sleep in my bed. We're right. We'll just top and tail. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. He's not even getting a room with me. He's just getting an adjoining room. I like me space.

No way in the world. Yeah, what, you couldn't sleep with Hank now? No, I don't, I don't, I'm not even with a twin room. I've just decided, you know, what if I want to watch TV and he's gone to sleep or something like that? I give him in a joining room. I can sleep in twin rooms. I don't mind sleeping in the same room as him. And if he wanted to say, no, but no, no, no.

He's at an age we don't do that anymore, no. And so he has to do it with his own father. How old is he? He's 13. Yeah, so you're both, he's old enough to know now that he's like, Dad probably wants to have a little wank. I'm getting the fuck out of here.

You had to make it like that. And that's why he's not allowed to sleep in your bed. Like, I remember a time where it had just started dawning on me what was going on when my dad would go, get to bed. Get to bed. And I was like, Dad. And I'd hear the old computer start up. And I'd be like, Dad, I'm third.

And he always wanted, because we had a computer room. Yeah. And now I look back and I remember being like, this boy clearly wants to watch porn. Oh, we were. And he's trying to put us to bed. He was playing solitaire, you sorted past. No, I remember I'd go back out there, you know?

And you'd walk back out and he'd have his, he'd have his computer on. And there'd be something suspicious on the screen. And he'd go, fucking Uncle Roger's emails. Fucking stupid shit he sent me. It was always an uncle had sent like a chain email that was porn or something. Like, fucking. what's this?

I just wanted to go on quick info.com. The fucking viruses. It was always viruses. If we found porn on the computer. Fucking viruses. Someone sent me something bloody weird.

He could never just own it. My father, because my mother used to sit on a computer, a desktop computer, and she played solitaire for like four hours a day. Just solitaire. No other video game.

Just moving cards. Surrounded by a horde. She would have like stuff all over on top of the computer, stuff like fucking falling in on It was a hoarder's room, was the computer's room. Like there's a little trail to get through to the computer. And then my dad said to me once he goes, that computer over there, you can get porn on it,

but your mother bloody blocked it. What net money? And like, my mother didn't know how to send an email. She didn't block all the porn or something, but she just told him, I've blocked it. You can't get in. I've put on a safety block. Let him have he go at his old websites that take an hour to download one. image.

Yeah, yeah. This is 1998. My mum's going, nut block. Right, before we defile your mother and your father and my father on Mother's Day, I was going to finish on that. It is.

We are coming to Mother's Day. A message to the mothers out there. Hey, to all the mothers out there. Word to your mother. That's it. Yeah. What about the mother in your life? Hey, mothers, to all the mothers out there,

you're all the true heroes. That's true. And, you know, a real hero always. says they're a hero and no one says they're a hero more than a mother. Heroic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, mothers, you're, what, I have a woman who lives in my house and she's a cab driver, chef. She, uh, she sorts out conflicts or as we call her, mum. I thought you were going to say nanny. I, can I say, if you've got a nanny, do you get a discount on how much you're meant to give love to the Mother's Day on Mother. I think so. Because you meant to, what Mother's Day is

let's say, have the day off. Mum sleeps in, we give a shitty breakfast in bed, you know, we make a pancake shape like a heart, and then whatever mom wants to do, mom wants a day off. Well, if you've got a nanny, every day is Mother's Day.

Yeah, the LA version of Mother's Day is you guys sponsor someone's visa. You've been working very hard this year. we're going to make you legal. It's very unpleasant. You're an unpleasant man. Okay, so everyone who's a nanny works legally. My nanny does.

My nanny does. Does she? Yeah, of course she does. Yes, of course. Let that be it. Good. We would hate for ice to be listening to this podcast and get another victim. All right.

Carry on change subject. Don't I roll on me. I want to talk about a proposal that went wrong. Here's a fun little clip to end the podcast. Fenway Park. a man is on the big screen asking his sweet girlfriend to become his wife. Near the green giant, the great big

wall there? I think, yeah, as he calls his feelings of the great big person. She doesn't seem very happy. What was wrong with that? Well, everyone said, no. Atlanta came out, she said no.

Oh, she came out and she said no. Also, her name Sarah, spelled S-E-R-A-H. Fuck off, Sarah. We can't be doing that. Your parents are cunts. You've been in the public eye for a long time. You have a lot of big fans. Has anyone ever proposed at your show?

I have had requests for proposals maybe 30 times. 30 times, I'm coming to your show. Can I propose? I've either ignored that I have seen the request. That means they're the ones I've seen or have been forwarded to me because often they go through agents. I don't read most direct messages. So let's say 60 times people have asked, right?

But at least 30 times. Jack, you've had a couple, right? would people come through and gone, can I propose at the show? You'd probably have eight, right? People gone, can I propose at the show? No, you can't. You can't propose at my show. I do a cunt's move every now and again, which is something funny to do.

If there's a couple in the front row, I go, how long you've been together? Eight years, and they go, eight years? Married? No, no, no, no, no. You think you'll ever get married? Oh, no, no, no, no. We'll think again. I think someone has something they want to say to you.

Right, I do that. And the guy just looks at me like, you fucking prick. And every time I do it, I feel bad because you know the car ride home is just like him going, that guy put us on the spot, did he? And the girl is like deeply sad. You put us into a joke, yeah. He made us a joke. She knows that one that.

Now, the reason I don't let people do it is because, as I said, it's so commonplace. And if people see online that you let proposals happen, you'll get asked by even more people, right? but also my job is to take the piss. I don't want to be mean to some man or woman on the special moment in their life and overshadow it by saying some joke. And I don't want to be sincere and nice because that ruins the feel and the vibe of the show. So, I saw one this week where Jose Marino, some fan of the football club, it was met him with his wife and then trying to do a proposal.

And Jose's like, nice to meet you and keeps walking. And he grabs Jose Marino and pulls him back. And then proposes to this woman in front of Jose Marino. So Marino is in the video like clapping for them. And you go, what do you get out of that? I wanted it as private as possible. I've seen worse than that. I have seen comedians.

They're always the newer kind. I have seen comedic. Not do it from the stage. Do it from the stage. I have a thing I want to ask my girlfriend. And there was a comedian, there's a female comedian who I'm still friends with to this day. The guy who she, and she's older than me, and then she had another comedian who was since retired from the business, and he proposed at a John Ler's Comedy Club.

And she said yes in the moment because she was like, I got to, and then said no to him afterwards. I would dump someone from the stage before I would propose to them. Like if you were dating someone and you're like, this is over and I don't have the balls to do a sit-down, you go, girlfriend's here. Well, she doesn't know. We're breaking up tonight. We're going out of separate ways.

Yeah. Yeah. So you reckon you, that I would do. I want to dump my girlfriend. Can I do it at your show? Where's Jennifer and Michael? Yeah, yeah. If you want to dump someone and it's,

legitimately and you can prove that you're actually dumping them. Like, let's say you're a young lady and you've caught your guy going through phone calls and stuff like that and what type of stuff and you have enough evidence and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah to dump him, then let's go. Let's rumble. Let's have a go. That'll be a fun thing to do at the show. I don't want to see love.

You could do a spade of that. It's like Daniel Sloss used to break couples up. He was very happy with that with his show. I think he broke up 20,000. couples. Yeah, yeah. Because he had a show about, that show jigsaw about how we're all one piece short of a full jigsaw and we try and cram the wrong person.

And he had some, and he had one line in there, which I was like, everyone has felt this before, which is, do you ever think of your partner? Man, if they would just die, like, not painfully, if they just died, my life would be easier. And then you go, oh, it's a really guilty feeling. And he says, if you ever have that feeling, you should break up with that person. I think, I don't know. I wouldn't even be talking to you now. We've wished death upon each other multiple.

And I'm a great supporter of you. Think about the people who hate you. You just would like me to die peacefully in the night. People that don't like me would like me to sort of be burnt alive. I told you, that's right. I always say to my wife before you go to bed, you smell like farts. So that's the last thing that I'll never be said to her if I die in my sleep. Well, that's a nice about this.

And people ask her, they'll go, what was his last words? He said, I smelled like farts. And in final news Which is funny because people will laugh at that If it was like, you're fat That wouldn't have been Nah, that would have been bad at the funeral You smell like farts is the right level of

Your feet are too big Oh she, no, don't mention it Don't mention it I can hear her coming Oh, she's miles away, don't worry about it Final one and this is a bit of positivity To end the podcast China's bringing

More thank you very much Jack For your little smile I can hear her coming Oh she's miles away Because her feet are too big I know I was just trying to end because we're going to go. Go, do it.

China has just brought in a law. China. Move to America on this one. I've got to get back to the thing where I can press the button and make things. Because I want to say China and quiet piggy at certain... I don't know. It's too much work. Anyway, China's bringing in a law that no person can lose their job to a robot.

So if you have a job right now, you cannot fire someone and replace them with a robot because they say it's going to do untold damage to the social fabric of China. So wouldn't it be interesting if we could bring that in? They say the machines should make people's jobs easier, but not replace them. Right, but all jobs, all jobs, like, because we've been replacing robots, jobs with robots for a long time. This isn't a new thing. You're talking about AI robot. But if you watch the beginning of Laverne and Shirley, and they're all putting the caps on the bottles,

as the factory goes along. Of course they get a machine that just goes cap, cap, cap, cap, cap, cap, cap, cap, cap, cap, cap, cap, machines have been replacing us forever. The fucking, the horse was replaced by the car and the bicycle. Yes, but nothing will do quite what this is going to do if you, if you have people who have no job, there's no social cohesion. But you can't, you can't keep all jobs and replace nothing with robots. Because back in the day we had, for instance, if you wanted to get onto the

subway, you dropped a token into a thing and the guy would give you change or get on the bus you give you change. Now you just scan your phone against the little thing and the gates go bloop like that. That's a job that a robot has taken. And that's a job that a robot needed to take because the other option of just a person sitting in a toll booth was kind of ridiculous by modern standards. And so we can't say that in 50 years time, we're going to be like, what? there still has to be real prostitutes.

Well, what there will be is they're saying here that basically people who already have their jobs can only replace once they retire. I'd like to speak up for the real prostitutes and all the great work they do. I don't want you to being replaced by robots. It was a bad example. Carry on.

Is it once these people die out, then they won't be replaced. But from now, they're going to keep these people having their jobs because otherwise it would be absolute chaos. And so I think that's an interesting message to see how governments will handle. So there's a bloke who has a seat. season ticket and he's had season tickets at the Dodgers for 40 years, right?

He's in his 80s. He doesn't have a smartphone, right? All he has is a flip phone. And the Dodgers have stopped printing tickets. And this guy's like, well, how do I get to the games? I've only got a flip phone. They only use it for phone calls. I don't use the smart section of the phone.

I don't have to think. So they give him paper? Everyone got online and went, print him tickets, you cunts, right? And he is the last printed ticket. for Dodger Stadium. Absolutely love that. He's the last one. I am a true Luddite.

I am spiritually in the camp of Ned Ludd and the people who smash the loom. I don't want any more progress. I'm happy with what we've got. We'll have to leave it there. That's what's happening at this moment. People, go and see Jim. Let's just keep things as a got.

Catch this on Spotify, iTunes, wherever you get your podcast. You don't need any radio signal. Just press a button on your thing and it'll come up on your phone or in your car. Let's keep technology where it is. I, for one, don't think the podcast has been better than the old-timey wireless radio and you'd gather around with the family and listen to the Prime Minister.

This would have been called The Goon Show. All right, we've got to go. Bye-bye. Good night, Australia.