I Don't Know About That - ATM: Episode 62 - Jim May Have Slept With An Alien

Episode Date: May 27, 2026

At this moment, Jim and Amos theorize that Jim may have actually slept with an alien. They also talk about the possibility of aliens visiting Earth, Jim's secret dirty magazine stash, and new bathroom rules.ADS:QUINCE: Head to http://www.Quince.com/atm for free shipping on your order and 365-day returnsSOCIALS:Jim JefferiesWebsite: ⁠https://www.jimjefferies.com⁠IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/jimjefferies⁠FB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/JimJefferies⁠Twitter: ⁠https://twitter.com/jimjefferies⁠Amos GillIG: @abitofamosgillFB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/AmosGillComedy/⁠Theme Song: "Rein It In Cowboy" by the DoohickeysSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What's much going on there? I told you, I wake up every morning and my first thought, this is terrible. My first thought every morning when I open my eyes is, all right, we're doing this again. Who are you telling this story to? Someone that travels with you on international tours where we have to be at the airport of 5.30 in the morning?

Yeah, I'm familiar. This podcast is brought to you by Quince. Refresh your every day with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com slash ATM for free shipping, on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash ATM for a free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com slash ATM. Gend-A-Lu-Luvers. Pai-Luvers, good-A-P-Luvers. To ATM. I'm Amos-Gil. He's Jim Jeffries, where we dissect the week of news that was without ever really getting into the important news.

Oh, we talk about, no, we talk about big things on the show today. We talk about drones. We talk about aliens. Are there four different alien species that we have interbred with? Believe it or not, this isn't the stuff of bizarro conspiracy. This is government disclosure that supposedly is coming. But Jim, the most important thing is where we're going to be on tour.

Because we know that the listeners of this podcast love getting out to meet us. And I'm going to be in Fort Lauderdale. Coming up very soon, June 7, as well as my European tour in Macedonia, Turkey, Athens, Greece. but Vancouver, I'm doing my first ever theatre. My God, do I need you there? September 11, if you don't come, it might be the most tragic thing that's ever happened on that day.

That is Vancouver, September 11 and Calgary, September 12. Jim? Well, here's the thing. If you're a big fan of Amos, or you're not sure on Amos and you don't want to go to see a show in Vancouver on September the 11th,

see him watch 10 minutes. And if you're not convinced, don't see him, but I think you will be because we will both be playing there June 12th in the Vancouver because we're going out to see the World Cup. The early show, the 7pm show is sold out.

You can't get a ticket. Had to add a show, 10pm at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. Also, if you're coming out to see the Socorooze and you're in the Seattle-Tacoma area, I will be at the Emerald Queen Casino, Tacoma. That's June 18th, 2026. I just want to advertise those two gigs also this weekend. Glenside, Pennsylvania, Wilkes-Barry, Pennsylvania. I'm flying out tomorrow to go and do those shows.

looking forward to that as well. But come and see these shows in Vancouver and Tacoma. Also, whole tour on Australia is up for sale. Also, an entire Canada tour is on sale right now as well. So if you live in Canada, there's a good chance I'm coming to you. See you then. Let's start the podcast. Let's get into the show.

Gidey Pie Lovers. Welcome to the podcast. Hello, Amos. Gettay, Pai Lover. How are you? Oh, good, man. I could actually, fucking, I could right do with a pie right now. I was just in Australia doing that day.

We done a podcast since I did the movie? Is this our second one? Is this our second one back? Okay, so I fucking had a few pies while I was out there. And fuck, they are good. They are a winning product. It's interesting. I said to my American fiancé here, because I got one the other day.

I went to old mates in New York. It's the Andy Lee pub. You were telling me to have a Milo dessert, which is worth the flight. It was a Milo Foam Sunday. So it was like a myelow turned into a moose on top of caramel and vanilla ice cream with honeycomb bits in there. Absolutely elite. But they have pies and a sausage roll. I actually opted for the sausage roll.

And I said to the misses that, I said, I don't, I'm just coming back on pies. Because of my way, I glamorized the pie again. But for the longest time, it was just what I got at lunch. Whenever I got canteen money, I got a pie. And she said, that's how I feel about casillas, which is I got casadier at the cafeteria at school, my entire life. And so when I moved to America, I was mad for casadias. I was like, let's get casadia every day. And she was like, I just does nothing for me because it was school lunch and food. But for me, it was a Farmerzune iced coffee, a pie and a kitchen a bun or a jamblina.

What was your, what was your, what was your, if you got money to go to the tuck shop, what would you get? I'd get the four and 20 sausage roll. I'd get the squeazy sauce ketchup that you could squeeze and then you could reseal the packet, which is one of Australia's, great inventions. I would get a pie. When I moved to university, there was a place in Perth called Jester's, which did like a Jaffel pie. I know Jester's pies. Yeah. And Jester's pies did like, it wasn't just the meat pie. That'd also be a chicken tika masala pie. There'd be a lamb pie. There'd be a breakfast pie that was bacon and eggs and a hash brown in there. Right. So I started, and they were very reasonably priced in 2000. And I remember thinking, oh, I can get a

variety of meals here in pie form. So that became my regular spot that I walked to when I was at university. So I picked up pies in a big way. But I never gave up on pies. I believe the greatest pie in Australia is brookie pies in Brookvale. When we were filming that documentary, that never aired, it was me and my wife for Netflix. I taught us up before COVID. Where is that footage? Don't you think it would be great to just get that out as social content? Yeah, I should probably find that just, but someone owns it who's not me. You know, it was. It was, it was funny. It was, there was some funny stuff.

I took my wife to the woods where I hit all my porno magazines as a kid. That was one of the funniest scenes I've ever been. It was so good to look at a cool sheet on a television show. And it was Jim Pornomag Forest was the name of the, of the shoot. And we went through the scrub and found where you buried porn. Because every, because that was the thing. There's memes about this now from Generation X's where you find a porn mag in the woods. But the younger generation don't know about this.

Because we couldn't keep them our houses. Our mothers would find them. She'd flip over the bed. She'd find them. She'd chuck them out. And so we would put them in the woods. And occasionally you'd find someone else's magazines. You'd just be walking along.

There'd be a bit of shrubbery. You'd see one of them just ducking out the corner of a bit of shrubbery, a fern. And then you'd go, okay, I'll have a wank to that off in the woods. Anyway. My porno mags were actually, my uncle Millair, who was my very strange, hilarious, ex-scientist turned bus driver uncle on the creation side of the family lived with my grandparents

because every Wogg family has the one crazy uncle that lives with the... You know, like in everybody loves Raymond, he's the... What's his name? The Brad Garrett character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So when I would go over to my grandparents' house, Bubber and Dids, I knew my uncle had porno mag stashed in the bottom of his drawers. And if he wasn't home... And draws... In drawers... We're meaning drawers, not underwear like in America.

Not American underwear. It's important to say that. If I wanted to come, I went into my uncle's drawers. But I would go in there and look at the magazines. And one time my grandma, my baba caught me. And she was so disgusted at me. That herself coming? She gave, she got all 10 of them.

And she made me lay them out on the laundry. room floor and she made me sit in front of them and wait for my mum to come home to pick me up after work. And she says, you're going to sit in front of the magazines and your mom will see what you've been reading. And I'm begging her the entire time, but please, Baba no, Baba no. And she said, no, because Mary and Jesus already saw. And she put, she has like this ceramic Mary.

And Mary was just looking down at me while I had this tabbed browsing effect of porno man. I've got to say, okay, so one time, me and my brother, I don't believe we've ever talked about it, I was trying to have a wank and I was in my room, I was about 15, and I had all my porn mags open on the floor to my favorite pictures, so I could do it quickly. It was an earlier style of tablets on windows. It was an earlier, earliest form of windows. So I had about six magazines around me that I could flick off to the different pictures.

You know, it wasn't like now where you can look at a video and you can fast forward to a scene you want. I had to have a variety around me. And I was on my knees in the middle of the living room. And he just bounded in like, hey, we've got a new video. And then he just ducked back out through the door. And we haven't. Never been brought up.

We've never been brought up. There's some things. There's some things you just let it be. And you just go, all right, well, I can see what he was doing there. I don't want to upset either of us, right? We're not going to bring this up again. And another one was my mum, I believe I talked about this on maybe a stand-up show once,

but never on a special or anything. But so, so I had this, I used to work at the news agents and the news agency, at 12, I worked at this news agents, right? He used to pay me $5 a shift and I used to have to deliver the papers, then I'd have to empty the bin. At the end of the day, they would, the end of the month, they would cut off the heads of all the magazines, send them back to the publishers for a refund and they would throw out the magazines.

I'm sure there's some more environmentally friendly thing they do today. Anyway, but then all the porn mags would be thrown out. So I'd fill me school bags with the pornos. I'd sell a few off at school. I was making more selling them at school than the other ones I would keep in my personal collection. Right? So I had Playboys penthouse hustler. That's what they sold there, right?

And that's the grade of how disgusting the magazines get in motion. Anyway, so I come home from school. My room was always a shit mess. We had a messy house. My mother was a hoarder. But every now and again, my mother would just go, right, I'm cleaning the whole fucking place. Right? Or she'd clean your room.

room or something like that. And you'd come into your bedroom, your bedroom would be spotless and you'd go, oh no, right? You'd go straight to the hiding place. You'd run across the room. You'd get to the hiding place. You'd open up. Empty, right? Oh, God.

Is it bin day? Right? Rush out to the wheelie bin, duck in head first, found all the porn magazines, scoop them all up, bring them back to the bedroom, circle of life continued, right? Right? I've rescued them from being in the room. bin twice. I still now have them. Here we are. This happened three or four times in my life. I'd get the same porn magazines. One time I fucking, I come home and they're not in my room.

They've been taken from the room, new hiding place. I could put them to move them around, you know, new hiding place. And then went to the bin, not in the bin. And then I was just like, I'm out of porn, right? There's no more. I don't have a magazine. I don't have a payboy to look at. What am I going to do with me life? Cut to, I'm in my life. I'm in my dog. I'm in my dad's workshop, my father's a carpenter. I'm fucking dicking around in there, fucking putting a couple of bits of wood together to do something stupid.

Or getting the bands, you know, the, the, the band saw, not the bandsaw, the, the, the sander, the sanding disk where you'd put wood, you put on the wrong end and then go boom, and the wood would flash across the room. Things like that, stupid shit, right? Anyway, looking under the, find a bit of wood to put on this thing, all

the porn mags are there. They're all dog-eared and there's like bits of lettuce on them and stuff. Dad had obviously retrieved them from the fucking from the bins himself. Right? Yeah. We retrieved them from the bins himself. And I got them from Dad's room and I moved them back to my bedroom.

Fucking they're moving around the house, right? These porn magazines. These are kind of like artifacts in the old world where one empire just takes them from the other one, you know, until they end up in the British Museum. Yeah, yeah. So I'm moving back to the room where I like, they were my magazines. I'm watching TV. Dad walks in and he goes at this.

Have you been out, have you been out in the garage working on my bench? Have you been on my bench? We're not meant to be on his bench, right? And I said, yeah. And I didn't look at him. I kept watching TV. Yeah. And then he goes, you know, you're not allowed those magazines.

You know that, right? You know, you're not allowed those magazines. And I said, are you? Right? And then there was a bit of, there's a bit of tension. And dad goes, can I have four? There is no honor among thieves. And I was like, all right, but ones I get to pick,

like this one, like a 12-year-old I'm making a porn negotiation deal. Well, Jim, this actually, you were going to do a different story to start us off, but where we've gone, I might as well go into the first story of the week that actually links to this. And this is, this sort of goes to show the future of the future of, masturbation for people who are coming of age sexually compared to the magazines that we had. And this is what's going on at this moment. This is what's going on at this moment. This story, which I've pulled up here, is seen by 20 million people.

And it's from a company called J-O-I-A-I, which is a J-O-I. Jerk-off instructions. Jerk-off instructions AI. An ATM stands for automatic telling machine or at this moment. Yes, or ass to mouth. But nothing else. Nothing else. We're hiring 10,000.

masturbation consultants is the headline. We will pay $2,000 a month to test our new daily guided masturbation feature, which, by the way, daily guided masturbation. I've seen the daily guided meditation. This is the daily guided masturbation feature. And if no one's ever seen this, it's pretty simple. It's the lightest form of video porn you can have. It's someone going, I want you to get some loob out now. I want you to do this and go fast and go slow.

Don't you? Don't you finish. Yeah. Yeah, that's what goes on. Yeah, so they're going to pay you $2,000 a month to study the effects on mood, stress, and sleep and find their best performers for the AI software. So it's essentially going to be AI sex workers who find the instructions that make you just best. Here's my thoughts on a guttural level immediately is I... So basically, why not just make it like, it's like a cameo sort of thing where you could, if you got the AI, you could,

You could be like, I'll get David Attenborough. I don't like the, I've looked at the AI point. I don't like the AI voice. They're too stupidly good looking. It's like we all have to have flaws and stuff. We can't just be perfect. No, but if it's just for speech, that's going to really ruin people's brains. Oh, you want David Adam were doing it for you?

Like for me, it would be like Ray Rebs Warren or something. I'm like, all right, here we go. Get your cock out now. Here comes there. Get some blood in the unit and get this thing ready. There he goes. He's come over the law. How like a true gentleman.

Well done, young man. Well done. Three, two, one. He's getting ready. He's got a blow it out everywhere. What an enormous load from an enormous sexual athlete. That kind of, that's the vibe I would go for. Local boy done good.

Look at the volume. Look at the jet stream. Look at the sheer force. The cubic force of semen as it goes flying from his wrong. What he lacks in volume, he makes up in velocity. Yeah, that's where. where my brain goes to for a laugh. Because I imagine this is going to just be a robot that,

I mean, how many times you do a J-O-I a day? Could you do that for $2,000? I don't, I never like, when... I'm not a fan of that. Because everyone who's watched porn, which is something like 50% of the internet, right? Everyone watches it. So if you want to complain about us talking about it on a podcast,

go fuck off. But anyway, so everyone who watches it, you know the ads. You did a brilliant routine. about how, why are they only advertising sex sites and stuff? Like, we're all watching it. It's regular TV. You're completely correct.

We should be advertising products that we actually use. Yeah, the joke used to be like, oh, you think this girl sucks. Dyson. Yeah, exactly. But that really, it really should be. It really should be because what you've got our attention. We're watching the thing, you're advertising. We have to wait until the skip button happens.

It's the only time you're like, with YouTube ads, I'm like this, oh, let it play, whatever, like this. And point I'm like, where's the skip button? Come on. Like that right. But they always, the adverts always start, they always start the same way. This, are you masturbating alone? Right?

There's always that one. Or it's like, are you tired of masturbating alone? And it's like for both of those things, so they, are you masturbating alone? I always, she's a bloody hope so, right? Are you tired of masturbating alone? No, my uncle and Addi are actually over here. It's my favorite way to do it. In fact, I get bothered when other people in the.

room. That's what separates. Even in the vicinity, actually. Yes. Yes. It's... Yeah, I find it distracting. Yeah, I find it distracting.

I'm not like, you know, it's not my jam. No, I like to be all alone. I don't even like people in the house. And then they insinuate that because you're doing it alone, you're a loser. Yeah. It's like, no, I'm fucking pervert, mate. Yeah. If there was somewhere else here, I wouldn't be best about to be having sex.

I wouldn't just be like, this is... So, for that. $2,000 a month, you can, I mean, listen, there's a, I used to do drug test things when I was at university and I was completely broke where I'd do the sleep trials. Have you ever done, do you know what they are? I never did those, but I remember people at university, they, like when you're really poor and they give you 60 bucks to go do something. I got, I got about $1,800 to spend four nights at university and they would fuck with the lights to see what kind of brightness will ruin your sleep and how much REM you would.

get and then I would do like, you know, a paracetamol test, see how much they. Essentially, it's just past the test on rats and they go, let's get uni students. Yeah, no, no, that's what I always said about the people who go, oh, this drug tests on animals, this makeup tests on animals. I don't agree with makeup, but with drugs, yes, you have to test with animals. You have to test on animals because eventually it has to be through. So the process goes, rat, cat, dog, monkey, homeless people, students, then the rest of us. That's the progression.

Students are on that list. Yeah, yeah. So that means there's probably students that could do this. No, because the student people are the last people because they actually, we actually pay those ones. Oh, that's it. Yeah, they get it. I feel the same way. Like, I probably, to be honest with you, this.

It's probably a government program of fucking homeless people that they're sticking needles into that we don't know about. I feel the same way about sperm banks. Every time I see someone, a woman getting sperm, they go, he's an Ivy League, he's a model, he's a this, he's a that. No, he's not. He's a bloke who needs 50 bucks. He's a bloke who needs 50 bucks. That's the father of your child. A bloke who desperately needs 50 bucks.

So he's had a wink at the hospital. So actually, on that point, I've always thought about this. I used to do a joke like 10 years ago. It was one of my first stand-up routines, and it never really got there. But I was saying, you know what, the Olympics, as soon as they win a medal, they take them straight to the bathroom to piss in a cup. Like, while they're hot, they immediately go down and they get urine to make sure that, you know, they've just finished and they've won. They're not on drugs. I used to do some joke where I go, we should also jerk them off right afterwards, get their come, and then be like, do you want to buy gold medalist jism that you can use to infertileize your end?

Look, this is why the joke didn't work, is because it should still be their choice. The drug check. Like, I know people, so we... No, because he used to be able to buy, remember on Channel 9, it was like, you can buy a limited edition cricket bat signed by all of the team. I know a guy who used to go down to do it all the time in Perth.

You used to go wank in the sperm bank in Perth. And I know a woman over here who sold her eggs, a friend of mine, right? And so, it would always sit, not even, easy on me knowing that there was my biological children out there that I'd never met. It would be a weird feeling for me, but some people might be able to disconnect from that. Okay, but let's say you're like a Winklevoss or something. You're tall, you're handsome, you have some IQ. You're good at sports.

Yes. Oh, I'm not good at sports. I'm not good at sports. How much, well, wouldn't it be interesting to know what your semen in fetches on an open market? Okay, what do you, okay, let's be honest here. If me and you sold our come, right, who do you think, gets the most money.

I'm taller than you. You're arguably better looking than me. You're more athletic than me. Yeah, I'm more athletic than you. But you know what I would say is, it depends on it. What's your family cancer like? No cancer in my family.

We all die. We all die young of heart attacks. So my family, people seem to live long. But that would be what it is, right? Both my grandparents died. One of them died at like 62. One of them died in his 40s. So that lowers your right.

That long has you weight. You know what I mean? Yeah, but they've improved the medicine. They've improved the medicine. My mother was fucking morbidly obese, was fucking eating oxy cotton like tick-tacks. And she had diabetes, Parkinson's, and she was one week out from her 80th birthday. That's longevity, baby. You know what I think it is?

Is the top half of a percent of men, like perfect specimens, there comes worth a million dollars for a vial? Anyone else, it's worth zero. I get my sense of humor from my dad Wouldn't you like to have How much it's not handed down I think it's your typical life Funny is handed down Funny my dad had a difficult life too

He had a difficult life as well Yeah because It's hard relationships Hard edge comedians always have difficult lives Like Jerry Seinfeld said he had a blissful childhood But he does observation And like what's the deal with That's someone who's had a good

He finds trauma in craft singles It's that I haven't got enough milk to to cereal ratio. What are we going to do? And you and I are like, oh, my mom left me in a car and ran away and it was hot and we were burnt. Yeah, so I had to wank in the woods.

What's the deal with that? And then I get home and the airport. What's the deal with hating yourself? What's all that about? What the fuck's going on there? I told you, I wake up every morning and my first thought, this is terrible. My first thought every morning when I open my eyes is, all right we're doing this again

we're doing this again I'm a grumpy riser I'm a grumpy riser by the time I'm about an hour in I'm loving life right but when I first go to when I first wake up I go oh all right who are you telling this story to someone that travels with you on international tours

where we have to be at the airport of 5.30 in the morning yeah I'm familiar Yeah. I wouldn't say I've ever seen you skip through customs with a smile. If you've ever heard that I'm going to retire, we've been doing that podcast at 6 a.m. Do you know what would be fucking hilarious? You know when you go through international gates now, they take a photo of you on the way in? Geez, I'd love to see all of your customs photos when we're walking through at like 5.30 in the morning through smart gates and the fucking faces that we would pull. Oh, no, no, no.

30 days into travel. If they didn't let a person into a country for anger. But now, you walk just back into America now just with a photo. There's no passport to be shown if you're an American citizen. You walk straight in, they just, they just do the photo. They just remember you. So it's fucking over. I came back from Canada.

I came back from Canada this week and I was the first time I got a really hard time about what I do. And you go, extraordinary alien. What for? I go, stand up comedy. And the guy goes, I've never seen you on Joe Rogan. I was like, yeah, that's it. That isn't the only show in town. Yeah, but also it's not stand-up comedy.

It's a podcast. Yeah. If he said to you, I've never seen you on Netflix, then you have to go, oh, maybe I'm not an extraordinarily talented. I'm just an alien. I mean, I've always made fun of being called an extraordinary alien, but at the same time, I'm like, well, you know, if you've never seen me TSA worker, I'm not saying that's the biggest indictment.

I'll tell you what, mate, they don't give out visas to basic bitch aliens. Like, I'd say if you went by the numbers of what comedian people working at the airport, no, I'd say Fluffy would be their number one guy. Fluffy everyone loves to fluffy. I said Fluffy. My father-in-law, he went for a holiday in Mexico, and he holidayed by himself. He used to like to go to every country, right? And so he was visiting us in L.A.

And he said, I'm ducking down to Mexico for a couple of days. I've never been. And he meets some local lads and he was a drinker. And this was about six months before he passed. And he said to me, he goes, they introduced me to this comedian called Fluffy, right? And he goes, oh, he's bloody good. I go, I'm friends with Fluffy. Like me and Gabriel are friends, right?

And I said, I'm friends with Fluffy. He goes, oh, Fluffy wouldn't know you. That's what he fucking said to me. I said, I do. I know him. So one of, it's not a big regret. It's an extremely small regret. But a regret I have is

I was going to call Fluffy and FaceTime him and let him meet Derek. But I thought it might be fun at the next time I was with Fluffy to go, I'm going to call my father-in-law and then you'll speak to him like this, right? Yes. And we never, I never saw Fluffy again in that time. And I told Fluffy that after he did the SoFi Bowl. And I said, so my father-in-law, huge fan. And before I could finish the story,

so he was dead. Fluffy was like, let's call him. And I'm like, no, it's not happening. Anyway. So I was going to finish this segment on the Jerkoff Instruction AI by saying, would you, Jim, like to give us a rendition of your J-O-I for people if they wanted to purchase it? All right. Make it quick. Your wife's coming up the stairs.

You've only got about 10 more seconds. Because that would probably, people would probably enjoy him. Have a look at yourself. You're happy with this? You like what you're doing? Nothing can make me. Nothing can make me come faster than a garage door opening or footsteps on a stairs.

Yeah, your J-O-I, I just spit up. It's the sound of feet going up. Oh, all right. And then you wipe it very quickly and you act like you're checking your stocks. Businessman, doing work in here. Mine would be far more shamefield. It would just be, look at you, you're like an ape. Look at you, fiddling with yourself with the forest.

You fucking love it. IQ, you base creature. Look what you're doing. Get it over and done with and move on with your day, you loser. And now that's the sign of a bad childhood. Okay. You know what? You just said extraordinary alien and I figure I'm going to take control of the

stories here today, Jim, because we've got to flow on with the alien. So I have to go into this one. Are you noticing, my friend? Yes. This huge push for alien disclosure coming. And it is a little strange to me that it's all coming out at once. At the same time that Stephen Spielberg's got this movie called Disclosure Day coming. Yes.

So Spielberg has a movie coming out about being talking about aliens. We were taught when we were young and more so my generation than your generation that the Americans have aliens. They have alien spaceships and I'll tell us. But they can't tell us because there would be hysteria. We were all told there'd be a steery in the street, and we would all be screaming and going, aliens and running down the street, right? And so that's why the public couldn't find out and why the CIA had to keep him secret from us because we can't handle the truth, right? It's interesting you say this because they're doing a lot of talk to spiritual leaders, supposedly at the moment,

from the Islamic community, from the Christian community, to essentially say, if there's aliens, we are kind of saying that this whole story that you've said to people is a myth and there is no, well, maybe, maybe there is a creator that didn't tell us about the other people out in the universe. I have a theory that Jesus is real and he's on tour and that was the last time he visited our planet and then he'll come around again. He won't visit Israel again because it's not fun place to be. He's in Gluck, Gluck, 13 right now.

Yeah, right now, you're... He doesn't want to go down there. Plus, he's eating that food. He wants to try something different. I reckon next time he comes back, we're going to get Hawaii, Jesus. Pye lovers, today's podcast is proudly sponsored by Quince. Love Quince. For menswear, Jim, I love when Quince jumps on board.

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days. Jack, could you roll up the clip that talks about the four bloodlines that are supposedly exist of recovered alien species from spacecraft? Jesus fed an entire crowd with two pokey bowls and a can of spam. And one never-ending pineapple. Four different species of aliens. Another scientist called them graze, Nordics, insectoids, and reptilians. All of them have two arms and two legs, just like us.

Experts speculate the reptilians are scaly with long tails like a lizard. Insectoids look like a praying manus. The greys look like your classic movie alien, and the Nordics look like a regular Swedish guy, but seven feet tall. We haven't seen the evidence, but Pete Hegseth says more evidence is coming, and there are a lot of believers in Congress. I have seen evidence in a skiff that leads me to believe there are things we cannot explain and I have observed things that are of non-human origin and creation. That's my opinion. So this is the one of the skiffs.

Now, there's a lot of these different Congress people who have come out of briefing saying that we are waiting on the consultation of religious leaders to tell the public that we are not alone. And the theory on this is that you hear a lot about aliens visiting our species. in our timeline, around the same period that nuclear technology was created. And so that these animals or these aliens would visit us to inspect us at the exact time that we split the atom because they understand that that's where we have become a more advanced civilization with more advanced weaponry. And we have the power to either, A, destroy our world, which is a world that they're scoping out, that they might like refugee. I've heard this theory that the aliens actually are trying to stop bombs and stuff like that because they're worried for us.

They're worried that it'll destroy our world in the way that they say maybe their world was destroyed or that they themselves would like to preserve this planet and they see us. And that the reason that there is more alien activity now is that the more chaotic that the world becomes, the closer we get to doomsday, the more that they start to make themselves known in the same way that you would break up a fight. You know, when you see like animals fighting, people are like, hey, separate these things. Hey, stop it, cut it out, cut it out. That the aliens are looking at us at this moment going, right, they're spitting out of fucking control.

They're veering towards World War III, and that's why they're going to make themselves known at this time to stop us. Jack, there's a documentary coming out on, or I think it just came out on Amazon about disclosure as well. Roll that clip about what they're saying. Amazon Disclosure. I think this podcast is going right. That's good. You want to click on the one that is the age of disclosure is the doco? Is it like a chubby dude talking?

Or is it the Pentagon? It's a picture of the Pentagon. I spent 20 years working in the U.S. intelligence community. I've worked on highly classified UAP programs for the government as a senior scientist. We have been discovered by an intelligence from some other part of the universe. They are here. This is real. It's happening.

It's happening now. If I were a species from somewhere else, you saw how we were coming up this curve of atomic energy and nuclear energy and then begin to realize what it takes to do their kind of technologies with warping time and warping space and so on. I could imagine that could be seen as a threat to another species because they would recognize that it's only a matter of time and they're going to be doing what we're doing and then we're going to have to deal with them.

So it doesn't surprise me that their highest priority would be to identify what threats they might face but learn everything about them. This pattern of activity seems to me utterly logical. It seems to me to be the extension of the evolutionary process that governs life writ large as we know it, which is self-preservation is number one. I will say this, right? It seems to me that most of the times that aliens are viewed

are in desert places where possibly... Where there is nuclear testing and stuff like that. And there's all this footage of flyovers on, you know, U.S. aircraft carriers. You know, they keep seeing the thing that's tracking them over the air. I saw a UFO in a plane, in a group situation where a lot of people saw it over where Area 51 would be. It was flying back. We all saw it out the window. So it's very interesting.

Jack saw him in Atlanta. They want to see what is this brown fizzy liquid? What is this molasses? What is, what are they doing with this type of thing? Why so many strip clubs? Are they banding together to try to take over the world? Are they getting rid of clothes? Yeah, are they getting rid of clothes?

What's this motion? What's this? If you were studying us and you realize that the US Army delivered coke to all of their soldiers globally, you would go, it must be some pivotal fluid they require to run the middle. It's not shabby stuff. That and coffee. If I was an alien species, I would probably take out the coffee fields because. I'm going to tell you.

tell you a thing, I've mentioned to you your phone already, but this is just for the public. McDonald's had brought out a product called Dirty Dr. Pepper, right? Instead of being 170 calories, it's 300 calories. But they add a little bit of vanilla to it, and then they put like a creamy top on it. Like if you've ever been a Universal Studios and had a butter beer and they put that creams out, so it mixes it in almost like a spider, a dirty Dr. Pepper. I had one yesterday. Winner.

Winner. Well done, McDonald's. You've got me back. So I couldn't see the butter. the way, I couldn't see the video on my... I think that's evidence of aliens. See how it all worked back? See how?

Jack. This is what I'm saying about society going all bothered, like, oh, you just told me that they're coming down to study our nuclear weapons, and what did I go? Dirty Dr. Pepper. Bloody good drink. We didn't give a shit. When they released the footage of the UFOs, when the government said, here's some pictures of UFOs that we can't explain, it didn't even make the front fucking page, man.

It was something real laid on in the news. You would have thought this would be the biggest story in the world that insiders who have worked inside the, what reverse engineering weapons tech programs are saying, hey, not only do we have the craft, we've recovered four different kinds of aliens, and they're interbreeding with us. Just on our podcast, we talked about wanking in the bushes before we brought up the aliens. And it was one of the stories that we thought we might not get to. Jack, roll the clip of the grays. I'm interested in this one of the guy that said and who worked with the Greys and the Nordics because it is funny that there's a race of alien

called... I'm going to get a bumper sticker that says Grey's Matter. Like Grey Matter? Yeah, this is just because I like them. Coexists, Greys Matter. That's going to be my car. Jack, that is the fat man that you're talking about. Is there people who put bumper bar stickers on,

they're alien. Okay, let's list the people who might be aliens, right? What if we find out it's all the autistics? Oh, yeah, that that is the interbrain. Because Nordic people, that's a country of autistic folk. But they're saying Nordic is an entire race of alien. Nordic. The whole Nordic area is a bunch of emotionalist fucking just,

okay, well, this is what we're going to do. They are alien fucks all day. Elon and Mark Zuckerberg. Yeah, and also, also, the most fuckable out of all the aliens. Let's give it up for the Nordics. Let's give it up for them. Much more fuckable than the grays or the prey manis or the lizard, the Nordic ones. Who are the lizards?

Are lizards are meant to be the royal family? They reckon lizard people are from the royal family and that type of stuff. And that someone saw the queen remove her. I did a conspiracy thing on the Jim Jeopardy show where people said, there was 500 people or something who saw the queen remove her face and have a lizard head. Remember that guy just said it? And I was like, was there any photos of documentation? He goes, oh, you tell me.

And I'm like, no, you tell me. You're the one coming with the story, bro. So I had another comedian friend that I'm good friends with who you know, and you know the person I'm talking about when I say this, who used to talk about the lizard people, the lizard people, the lizard people, the lizard people, the lizard people, it's going to have some lizard people. But what's crazy is what if all of this ends up being correct,

and they're like, yeah, there is lizards here? Ah, the amount of apologies I have to make to good friends of mine, who I've said to who are nuts on this podcast just then, for calling them lizard people, yeah, you're right, I'm wrong, You're a genius, I'm a moron. I'll be doing all these. Roll the tape on the greys. All right, here we go.

The greys are the ones that the Australians always believed in. ...who are tall and white. Would frequently come down to where I was. The mothers liked to bring the children down to look through my theatelite as I was tracking the balloon. They always came armed. One of the weapons they could set to hypnotize a person, and it was common to have missing time experiences.

So at the base, they have a... in area 54 there's a more or less permanent contingent of tall whites 54 when did 54 happen with the US Air Force one of the biggest shocks is they were so similar to us sometimes when you'd see them out in the desert they'd be wearing work clearly closed straight out of the Sears catalog it probably took me more than six months to get over the terror that I felt now Jim even though they had not come to harm me they were really quite They look like a group one, Jim.

They look quite hot, don't they? For the greys. That's not the grey. That's the Nordics. The Greys is a different one. They were the Nordics. That's the supposed Nordic piece. They got massive eyes like their anime characters.

They're wonderful. Yeah, I'd go a Nordic alien all day. Get some of that alien pussy? Come on. Who doesn't want that? Tall, thin, blonde creatures with big eyes. Now I'm a misogynist for fucking talking about. Okay, just to make it all even.

I bet you the alien men have great clocks. I don't know. Just treating us like a bit of space meat. Yeah, yeah. I fucking take... Play the Greys one. The Greys one I sent to you also. That was...

Yeah, I thought that was too interesting. Because the... The greys are always short. They're always about three foot tall. That's your classic alien with the head that has that oblong... Yeah, the Roswell. A head shaped like a guitar pick. A Roswell one.

Give me a Roswell. Raise R is that they... used to be a parallel reality version of Earth. They used to be human. They destroyed their world. They had to mutate to survive into what we now see as the grays. They lost the ability to reproduce. They had to shift into other parallel realities where human DNA was still viable like ours and use that to create hybrids to perpetuate their culture. Has this come to you in bits and pieces over the years? Was this an early... What's blossomed to decide?

It did lay this out a few years ago, but more and more detail has been coming out over the years about why this is happening, how it's happening, and why they're helping us. They're noticing we're making the same mistakes, and they don't want us to have to make the same mistakes and do the same thing that turned their reality into the grays. Humans are trying to figure out right now how to coexist on a planet that has shared resources, and we cannot, for the life of us, work collectively as a species. Right. Big problem when the survival of the species requires global cooperation. Yes. And that's one of the reasons I think we're about to have open contact. All right.

So they're saying they mutated. Now people who are lizard, people, people who are Nordic people, people who are greys and people who are the Promandis one, which is the worst. Least fuckable. I can't quite think of even which race would be the Praying Mantis. Who would you blend in with? you don't. It's not something we should say. We all have an opinion on who the prey mantises are.

They're all right. Okay. Anyway, so, but here's the thing. Do the people who have alien DNA know they have alien DNA running through them if you're Elizabeth's on the same? Am I part alien? Do I not know this? Or is there a great-grandparent who not?

Are you ready for the story of the date trending number one around the world is a story that's been, it's come out on New York Post. and the daily mail, so all out of the Murdoch presses, it says that the CIA is accused of using Ancestry.com and 23 and me to be internationally track the DNA of people to try and trace lineage of people that have interbred with UAP. I did that. I was 55% British, 35% English, 55% English. English, 35% Irish, the end.

That's where I came from. That's, there's 10% less than. Well, oh, okay. Oh, no, wait a minute. I'm missing something then. No, that's, oh, okay, so it's 45% then, 45%, 55%. And I had like a point, under a 0.1%. I don't know how that works.

Spanish was my most exotic thing. And me and Kate did it. So Hank doesn't have to do it. But she was like 70% Irish, 30% Dutch. And so, and Hank was... Well, you're, the mother of your child, Kate, I'd see her as a Nordic. Yeah, oh no.

If there's an alien in the fucking family, Kate's the alien. She doesn't seem to age. She's about six foot two. Yeah, she doesn't seem to age and she just, she just wants to dance in front of bright lights. Yeah, if anyone... She likes to go to desert raves. Are you fucking kidding me? She's an alien, dude.

Yeah, I think out of all the people we know, the most alien-like person is Kate. Yeah, that's the one. Jack, yeah, Jack, roll that clip. Yes, sir, I do. And I think they may well be considering doing that. There's a lot of speculation. I'm hearing it from people inside the administration, that the Trump administration is indeed soliciting advice about how to tell the public that we're not alone.

There are consultations taking place with spiritual leaders. I'm now able to confirm that. There was some speculation a couple of weeks ago about a group of pastors, but it turned out that wasn't directly related to the White House. But there are religious leaders that have been consulted by the White House. I'm aware of people in the administration who've reached out. I've actually spoken to people myself who've asked what I think would be the, quote, ontological shock for the public.

And I've told them that, frankly, I think the bigger shock for the public would be the sense of a portrayal of trust if the government doesn't follow through and tell the whole story. No, I agree with that. Like, we're not going to be nervous or anything. Just tell us. We've seen enough now. The world is so advanced now with our own technology and all the type of stuff. Nothing's going to freak us out. Nothing's going to shock us. It would be interesting. And also, it would become a slur. That would be enjoyable where you could start going, start going. That cunt's an alien. in that point. I think it's all New Zealanders. All of the New Zealand. You know how they're always confused? They're always like, what's going on over here? You can't tell me that voice isn't an

alien voice? Oh no. Come from another planet. We're humans, I swear. Yeah. Can't you tell that we're all wearing the same uniform of North Face fleeces and all it? We have to wear polar fleece because we're cold on this planet. Yes. And all of our men and women, past the age of 50, you get the same hair cap. We all get the same hair cap. It's going to be. It's going to be. though, let's say if this 23 and me story comes out and there is interbreeding alien DNA for their species to survive by latching

onto our species and it turns out that we have living amongst us, people with alien DNA, whatever. We can't handle people transitioning from one gender to another. Yet alone the idea of sharing a bathroom with a gawk or whatever this creature's called, a grey.

No grey's in the bathroom. You can't have greys in the bathroom. It's a grey look at me cocked. Yeah, yeah. We, we, is people in Nordics. People are Nordics only. Thank you very much. Looking at you, lizard man.

Insectoids out. Oh, woman, don't know. Probably both genders like a frog. The most hate will go. The insectoid and reptilians will be hunted down. Well, at the moment, this is just happening in Britain. They've just passed a law now in Britain, where you have to use the bathroom.

of your birth gender. You can't be going. And this is the progressive government too. This is the Labor Party, right? Yeah, they've decided they've gone, no, we can't have, but businesses are obliged to give unisex rooms, whether it be a disabled room

where trans people can go in as well, or, you know, when they call them family rooms, but independent rooms where you can have a lock where you can go in where it's not a bunch of people, right? Otherwise, you have to use, but the problem is places like, like those old, like 200-year-old bathrooms in like Shepherds Bush Green and stuff in England that are just old, you know, cottage places and all that those stuff, right?

So I'm in a few minds on this one. I think it's a tough one because I know that 95% of trans people wouldn't abuse the privilege and would just go into the ones they want, but you're going to get your occasional pervert. And any man, and I don't think a lot of women know this, right? But, you know, for sexual perverts, the majority of sexual perverts are men, statistically, who cause sex crimes are men. There's a lot of...

95% of predators are primarily men. Who of us as a man, when you've been a teenage boy, hasn't had some bloke at the urinal, just stare at your dick a little bit long, and you're like, what the fuck's this sort of person? You have to duck out right away. Now, I'm of the opinion. You can use the bathroom if you've,

If you've cut the dick off or you've built a new dick, right, then if you've done, if you're full commitment, if you've done the job, you get to use the bathroom of your genitalia. Whatever genitalia you have is the bathroom you have. You can't just slap on a wig and a dress and keep your dick and go, I'm a woman. I get to go in the women's. No, no, no, no, no. Whatever the genitalia is.

So let's not make it men's and women's bathrooms. Let's make it dicks and pussies. Let's put dicks and pussy side. up there. So there's no confusion. Have you got a dick? Have you got a pussy? I don't care what you used to have. What have you got now? What are you packing right now? I'm of the belief that I think the strict rules about men, you know, about men's rooms and you have to be a man to go on the men, a woman to go on the woman's, is good for trans people in some way because it must be a thrill to get into the opposite gender and pass. In fact, I was saying to you on the

phone, you'd almost as a plastic surgeon used as an ad where a woman's like, I used Dr. Davis for my gender reassignment surgery, and I've taken five shits, and not one person has reported me. I'll tell you who's not protesting in the streets, the convincing ones. This is it. The convincing ones have, I've gone, I've been using the women's toilets for years. In fact, it's almost, you could use it as a trans woman. You could use it as a trans woman to see how you're doing on your progress.

Today, I almost got in, and there was a few people looking at me weird. I've got a bit more work to do. So the people who have been hurt most by the trans movement aren't the trans people who are being told off by some rednecks or some people at school or the kids that are being picked on. The people who have been hurt most by the trans movement are tall broad chicks, right? And little effeminate men as well. But tall women, I used to love me, a tall woman. Do you remember you ever had sex with like some woman who's like six foot four and you climb up on them? It's a bit of fun.

Yeah, but we now know it's, if there's not about transgenderism, they're Nordics, mate. They're a fucking alien species. That's why they fuck so good, the bloody Nordics, I tell you. That's why they're just like, we have a mutual tool, friend, and I can see that person being an alien. Oh, yeah, that one's an alien all day. That one's all day an alien. Don't forget about that. Let's be honest.

Oh, Kate's not short. Kate's not short. I think my son's quarter alien. That will, you know what, maybe, maybe, Jim, there will be plastic surgeons that say your transition surgery, we guarantee no trouble in bathroom, money back guaranteed. Money back guarantee. If you ever get stopped at the shitter, you get it for free. This cock is so convincing, use the trough. Don't even go in a cubicle.

You're going to have no issues. They might think, oh, he's a bit short. his voice is a little bit high, have a look down. So sure of my work, am I? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me I'm not allowed in here. Tell me.

You can have a piss in the street on that confident. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the other option. If you can't use either gender, you know, in the woods with you. In the woods. That's my whole thing.

Well, I said to you, they could also pass a law called the hold-it legislation, which is everyone has to go home. Yeah, but that's, I was playing golf yesterday. played in a long time. And by the way, I've got no worse. All that time's past. I got par on my first hole. It just turned out that I never got better. I just

never got worse. Anyway, so I was with a bloke. Good guy. I think he's been on the manjaro or what's it called? What are those drugs called these days? Osampic manjaro. No, but what's the chemical called? Oh, semi-glutide?

No, the injectable. The people are taking tablets now. The GPLs or something. Yeah, I think it's a semi-glut. I'm not sure. Yeah, but anyway, GLP ones. He's on the GLP ones, and he's new to him, and they can mess with your system a little bit, right? I'm not saying here, this guy's. I'm not going to shout him out or whatever. But he could not play the last three holes because he needed to shit very desperately.

And then we got to a place where there was a toilet. He wouldn't go in the woods. We were like, just go in the woods. Go in the woods. Off you go. Go in the woods. And he just wouldn't do it. And he was like, I've got to drive back to the clubhouse.

Then we found the public toilet. And he ran across the par five, you know, hole to get there to the air. other thing and then he fucking gets there locked is there ever a worse feeling than desperately needing a turn or something and it's like one time i rocked up in in uh in the airport and i'm in the airport i've gone to the individual urinals because americans if you don't know this Australians if you're Australians never visited america americas need individual urinals and i've always gone i don't know why and then i've just told a story about men staring at my cocks as a child so i figured out why anyway so they have individual fucking

urinals. Obviously someone's running. Now, you know I did a whole story about lactose and eyes. You're assholes Pavlovian. Once you fucking turn the key or once you open the door, you lift up that fucking lid, you're shitting right away or you're pissing right away, whatever you desperately need to do. Right. Clearly someone had run into the bathroom, like at the airport, like, I need to shit, I need to shit,

I need to shit, I need to shit. All the cubicles weren't used. and they've just, their asshole is just gone, nah, we're doing it now. We made it all the way. You promised I would. And they did it into the individual urinal. And it was just splattered against the wall.

And the urinal was filled with fucking shit. It was just, I should have taken a photo. It was, you walked in, as soon as you walked in the bathroom, you went like this, nah, you didn't stay to fucking view it a bit longer. You went, nah, I'm off to another. But the idea of that person. run it. The person, it was like, it was like one of the hubs. It was like Atlanta or it was one of the hub ones, right? I was just in between flights, right? It was a beautiful bathroom. It was a lovely

clean barthru. Otherwise, but I felt for that person. I didn't see that person, but I know what they went through. They came in like with the best intentions. Oh no. Oh no. They started, started squirting out onto the pants and then they just pulled the pants down, rested their ass on the piss urinal and fucking went for it. I try. Well, other people would have been standing at the other urinals busy. Now, if there was also the other chemicals before, that means there were people waiting for the other chemicals.

They've done this in front of a crowd. No, I think people would probably get the, at the moment someone runs towards it in that kind of desperation, you probably leave, don't you? Yeah, yeah, I would have just gone. Good luck to you, mate. Good luck to you. Here's a solution, Jim, for the transgender bathrooms.

I think we've found the solution. We said this. You're either convincing or, for instantly, look, let's go as far to say bathrooms for ugly and good looking. We also said the disabled bathroom's always there. And if you want to say that you're born into the wrong body, you could say that's a disability. I think the cock and pussy, the cock and pussy thing is, if you got a cock, have you got a pussy? Cock and pussy's.

And don't make it vulgar. Picture of a chicken, picture of a cat. People are only concerned about men becoming women going into a women's space. Okay. So I think another fix for this, if we can't find a solution, is a fix from Victorian England, which is where women were not allowed to use bathrooms in public. Yeah, that's what happens. That was the old law in Edwardian Victorian times.

And the selfridges, the suffrages, came along and said, we should have public toilets like that. And they were, oh, busting for a piss, they said. Oh, these women. We let you use the bus last year. Now they want everything. I just googled this. It was called home-only restrooms, right? It says, for centuries, women were severely limited in public life

because public facilities simply didn't exist for them. A society modernised and women entered the public sphere, the lack of restrooms and the social stigma around them. So first thing that happened was they got bathrooms. However, and this still kind of happens, they were shamed heavily by each other, like what kind of a dirty woman would use a bathroom here? And they said for two reasons.

One, the layered clothing, heavy petticoats, corsets and laid undergarments made using outdoor public restrooms incredibly complicated, dirting and ruining their fabrics. If you ever see like a woman in a cat suit, I'm like, how the fuck are you? Like, have you ever had an awkward Halloween outfit? One that's like you're a ghostbuster or something and now you're wearing overalls and all that type of stuff and you're, you know, your cookie monster from top to bottom or whatever? And then you're like, oh, got to go to the bathroom and you realize there's no front pouch or anything

like that. It's a fucking operation. I always think about how hard it is for women in, like, the catsuits and their different fucking outfits they put on. Like the ones in the skirts, they're having it easy, aren't they? So they're having to laugh, aren't they? Dare I say, you could be some kind of Edwardian-type Tory politician who says, well, a true woman would never even use a bathroom. So you should never even want one.

Hold on to it, you disgusting creature. My wife does that shit for two weeks on vacation. My wife hasn't used a public toilet in fucking the whole time I've known her And she won't when our child It was younger well even now you have to go to the bathroom with him You know a little fella right She won't take him to he'll be like on an airplane I need to poo And you can't tell when he was two you can't tell the two year old you have to hold it you have to hold it Right you got to take him there and like he normally has his special little seat that he sits on top of the toilet where he can actually sit on the toilet

So you have to crouch in front of him Hold him by the armpits And hover him over the toilet While the poo comes out of it This is what being a parent is This is what love is right Like that she wouldn't do it Wouldn't take him

I'd have to take him all the time Now I know I can see you in the mirror down there I know you're listening in on the podcast Because we're talking about you and your weird toilet things Why don't you show your face Oh there she is I can see her in the mirror In the little corner

She was standing down there going, oh, I'm being talked about. And she was hovering around, seeing if we were being nice about you. We weren't being nice. We think you see it. Anika doesn't have a shit on holiday for two weeks either. So the two of you are out of your fucking mind. In conclusion, you can see a warming up in the reflection. There she goes.

Into the room. You can see her in the reflection. The desire to even use a bathroom is already a giveaway that you weren't born a woman. On the next topic. Yeah, that's the whole thing. That's the whole thing. It's like, I'll tell you, hey, if you've ever wanted to come to one of my shows, right, I'll tell you something that I've had said to me many, many, many, many times in the meet and greets.

This is said to me weekly, right? If you're on the fence, if you're a woman and you think, I find some of the things he says funny, but I find some of the things he says horrible. All right, let me give you a juxtaposition, a counter argument for you right now. You come to my shows. There's no queuing up for the toilets, girls. You get to wander in there. You can dance.

You can swan in. The men are all lining up. It's the opposite to going to see a musical. You know, it is crazy, though. I'm reading this story, and it feels like it's 10 years old. I personally am so over this fucking... Well, this is the thing. I would argue that...

We are at a time right now, Jim, of total domination by tech and billionaires and the 1%. That if we don't get on the same page and understand that the left-wing battle is a battle of... economics, not identity, we're fucked. I believe that we're in a war right now in Iran because of the trans issue. I believe Donald Trump, because they push the trans agenda so much, and I have no issue with trans people and people live their life. I've said it a million times, right? But I believe we're focused on it a little bit too much.

It lost the election. And now look at all the fucking shit going on the world. So I hope you enjoy having a piss where you need to have your fucking piss. There you go. And as I say all the time to my friends in New York about this. who are much more left-wing than I. The only pronouns that matter at this point are poor struggling. That's one thing we all have in common, no matter what our gender situation is,

is we're fucked over by a top-down economic structure. And if we don't get on the same page on this, it doesn't matter. You won't have a bathroom. You'll be sleeping in the street. We'll turn this into fucking India, and there'll be a caste system and you'll shit on the fucking floor together. Well, let's talk about this right now. This is a great transition into the next story.

In India, in India, Right now, they are dying of heat. They are 45 degrees in the slums of Calcutta right now with people with no air conditioning, 45 degrees Celsius, which I believe is around 120, right? I might be wrong in the Fahrenheit. Do you want to Google that for me quickly? You kick it. All right.

So they're going through that. But in the UK, I love when this happens. This happens about 113. 113. So I wasn't far off. 113 is what they're doing in India in, you know, and it's already a hot place with surrage in the street and stuff like that. Not everywhere.

Don't go, I've lived in India. There's a lot of fucking hardship going on in that country. I've been there, right? But I love this. Every two years, Britain gets a record day of heat. And you've never heard a bunch of bigger complainers. They have got 35 degrees Celsius, which I believe is around 95 Fahrenheit. So they're running at 95.

96, 97, around there somewhere. It's the hottest day. They go, we are receiving record heats. And it turns out it's the hottest day in May since 2012. Well, that's hardly a record, is it? It's only 2012. Let's calm down. Let's go, we're having record heats.

This heats hotter than yesterday. That's a record. They're all records. You wouldn't get it, May. Our buildings are designed to. Keep heat. Our heat is different to your eat. Okay, so let's play the video of the British.

Oh, that's the drones one. Okay, so we're going to do it. So, so they're carrying on. So I live in California, and I'll tell you why it's such a good place to live. It's the best weather you can get hands down. We have an ozone layer. You don't have to wear sunscreen all the time like you do in Australia. You can't beat the fucking weather.

It literally rains 20 days out of the year. When it happens, we all get excited. When it rains. In LA, on one of those 20 days, it makes the news. We all talk about the news. Oh, the road's packed up. It's raining. No one in this town knows what to do in the rain.

People are running around without the tops. Just holding their jackets. No one's willing to drive. No one's willing to drive. The people who are driving and driving at five miles an hour, just freaking the fuck out. It makes the news when it rains here. It makes the news in England when it's a nice day. 35 degrees is a nice day.

35 degrees is a delightful day to swim in a pool or to go around. I just see them get into their bins. That always makes me laugh. They fill their wheelie bins. They fill their wheelie bins with water and they sit there and they fucking, fucking hot. My hell is fucking hot. Could you imagine what it must have been like to be one of the early settlers of Australia? You're English if you have to go to an Australian summer.

And the country hasn't been built. the amount of winging that must have happened. That first few years after settlement must have been the highest rate of winging to have ever happened. This is the thing about Australia. A lot of people will go, what's the difference between Australians and Yogurt? Yogurt has culture. And a lot of people will get into us. What do you know?

You're a young country. We are at the moment around 240 years old. In two years, it'll be 240 years old. In our modern... Actually, Jim, indigenous. I know. In our modern state, in our modern state, we are that old, right? Now, you want to talk about tough?

My father grew up in the 1940s in Roma Queensland, right? When that's fucking, yeah, that's tough, right? And that was just, he was rocking it out just a 150-year-old country, right? So, 150-year-old country. You go back 50-year-old. My grandfather never had a fucking car, brought up children and rode around on horseback. That was his vehicle was a horse, right? Where he would hold the baby and ride around and he's fucking,

and that's just a hundred fucking years ago, right? It's, it was, you can say what you want about Australians being uncouth and not having any culture and whatever, but we fucking tough, mate. We're fucking tough. Jim, would you like to hear a poem about the... Sure, I would love it. This is called The Convict Ballad from 1825. The very day we landed upon the fatal shore, the planters stood around us, full 20 score or more.

They ranked us up like horses and sold us out of hand. They chained us up to pull the plow upon Van Diemen's Land. There you go. This is the book of Australia's settling and the convicts. Many of them stole a loaf of bread and found themselves 14,000. thousand miles away in 40 degree heat. And some of them are rapists, but it's all the same. It's all the same in Australia.

We always go with bread thieves. We never say anal rapist. Anil rapist. And he rapes in people's anises to feed his family. Like every Australian origin story is, it was just for a life of bread. It's never, it was actually, it was actually, my name's John the Ripper. He was, you know, no, Jack. Serial killer.

We didn't have the death penalty, did we? He used to go out to gay nightclubs. Eat them afterwards. No, we're all just downtrodden Irish peasants. He was Jeffrey Sullivan. Yeah, so, yes, I imagine the whinging there was. But Australia has come a long way, and we'll finish on a light story here. We'll finish on a light story.

Good, because I have to go to the theatre. Australia, we have done things. But we're a partner monies to say. Have you heard about the Vivid Fest? in Sydney. Love Vivid Festival. I've always liked it. What they do, if you haven't been,

they light up the entire harbour. They put installations, Ken Done paintings on the side of buildings, and they light up the opera house with like Aboriginal dot paintings, and they make everything vivid and bright. I want to play a little story that happened yesterday. Sydney's drone show has been grounded for the time being

after a dramatic mid-air malfunction sent dozens of drones plunging into Darwin Harbour last night. Marked as the centrepiece of this year's Light Festival, nearly 90 drones suddenly dropped from the formation, crashing into the water. The drones were axed from last year's program because of safety measures. Organisers have now suspended the show, while investigators work out exactly what went wrong.

How do I stop that? There's seven the greatest news of them all. Anyway... Well, wow. I tell you what, it's certainly better than the... Did you see them all dropping in the water? How downtown Kiev looked with their drones. It wasn't a little...

They weren't little... But it gives you an idea of what it would be like in World War III. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, dropping in the water. I've... Okay, so Friday night fireworks at Dodgers Stadium. Every time the Dodgers play, they have Friday night fireworks. Where on Friday night, and they'll have a theme and they'll go, this one's to the music of the Beatles, this one's to the music of Queen or whatever.

And then they've started like every third one going, we're doing a drone show. And the drones will all fly around and make... like show hey or tarnie in the sky and all stuff they do that over the top of people right and all we are is a little bit of software going wrong from 90 of them oh what i can hear you jack what what happened we can all hear you yeah we can all right well i'm going to wrap up the podcast i'm going to wrap up the podcast i'm going to wrap up the podcast i'm going to wrap up the podcast i'm going to wrap up the podcast amos's things cut out he has to go to the theater hey look pie lovers uh if you enjoy the podcast tell your friends

Subscribe. It's good to have you here. See you next week. Good night, Australia.