I Don't Know About That - ATM: Episode 74 - Do You Fart Left or Fart Right?

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

At this moment, Jim and Amos ridicule JD Vance's recent attempt at comedy by supposedly slipping and saying "the fart left." They also cover Kash Patel's new bestiality leniency, Mitchell and Webb having episodes removed, and PMs doing weird things.SOCIALS:Jim JefferiesWebsite: ⁠https://www.jimjefferies.com⁠IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/jimjefferies⁠FB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/JimJefferies⁠Twitter: ⁠https://twitter.com/jimjefferies⁠Amos GillIG: @abitofamosgillFB: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/AmosGillComedy/⁠Theme Song: "Rein It In Cowboy" by the DoohickeysSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

That was one of my first jokes in stand-up, Jim. It was like, every time I wanted to fuck, I had to... Then I also had to blow up the mattress. Good morning, good evening, and good day. Welcome to at this moment. Look, we're about to start the podcast. We're just doing a bit of an intro now. We're going to talk about a lot of things.

What are we going to talk about, Amos? Yes. Gnay, Pah Lovers. We're talking about the insane world leaders that govern us. We've got some funny clips to show. show from across the entire globe. We talk about Cash Patel's views on beastiality. We also talk about cocaine.

We have a couple of little personal stories in there. There's calls to legalize the drug in Australia. If you went there and went to a bathroom, you'd almost think it already was legalized. But Jim, talking about making people feel good for something that costs less than $250, it's tickets to your show. All right. I'm going to be in Ray Gravix. in Iceland, September 27th, there are still some tickets above.

It will sell out. October 1st. Belgrade is sold out. Zurich sold very well. But then we got Stuttgart, October 4th, Munich, October 5th, Berlin, October 8th. And October 10th, we got Hamburg. Then we're in Stavanger in Norway and then Bergen in Norway. And then I come back and do American dates.

We will plug sooner to the day, Bethlehem and Providence and whatever. The German shows still have tickets available The other shows are all but sold out Me and Amos are going to be doing the shows together We're going to be travelling around, eating sausages and whatnot Come and See us. What are you got? No, I've got your tour, my friend. I'm at your side, so come see us both there.

A lot of European fans have been bringing us Key Rings and movie posters and stuff they've made. So I look forward to seeing you all out there on the road, but we've got a big long episode. Jack, let's play it. Gide, pie lovers. Welcome to At This Moment with me, Jim Jeffries. I'm here with Amos Gill.

Where are your mates. Sit back and enjoy. How are you doing, Amos? Mate, I'm good. I thought on this episode we'd just roll some vision. Okay. And react to some videos happening out there. Well, you know how much I like, Tully.

I'm ready to go. There's a lot of crazy shit happening at the moment. Do you feel everything coming undone at the seams? I had a panicked phone call because we're about. By the time many people listen to this podcast, we are in Iceland and then we're going to go to Germany and we've got some days off and all so of stuff. And I had a panicked phone call. Yeah, I know, but by the time people listen to it, Jack. Jack's things that comes up tomorrow.

Everyone's sitting there waiting for the needle to drop on the record. There's other people who listen through the week. 45,000 people like in a football stadium and it's going on the big screen for them. There'll be some people, but we're off to Jers. Our next podcast, we will be recording in Germany. So, Jackie, better pack us a little kit bag for us things that we need. Amos bring a laptop. We're going to record things in Germany.

Germany podcast. Wait for that. Anyway, do you know where we're going to go? We're going to go to Munich for a few days off. Yes. I've decided we're going to broadcast from the Eagles Nest, Hitler's old layer. I think we should go. Okay, I'm down.

We can find a room. We'll see if we can set up the podcast equipment. Maybe even just in the shrubs there around the area with the view of the mountains. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll do that. I'll go up to the Eagles. And there's a damn straight I will. And look, we haven't sold that many tickets.

So the German bit of the tour, or the rest of the tour is fine. Sold out. The rest of the tour is fine. But the German bit of the tour is a lost leader, as they call it in shops. Because we're going to be eating Michelin Star Meals. We're going to be eating sausages for lunch. We're going to be fat as a fool doing comedy in Germany and podcasting from there. But you ring me up the other day and your opening sentence is this.

well the tour to Europe is over we won't be going I really did he got a bit dramatic and I was like playing video games at the time and I was like what is there been a bomb dropped or as Germany announced war or as someone else said you know the UN's going to do A, B, C and D and then you just it went off Switzerland having a tweet going we're going to strengthen our security a bit yeah it was because you get like Swiss the Swiss haven't been in a war for 400 years and you're like, if the Swiss is tweeting, then if I can game over, everyone, nice knowing you all will soon be dead. I said if the Swiss government is putting out an announcement saying that security is unsure, fuck, we're in some trouble. I've been thinking about moving house recently. If they're going to finally do something other than the knife, we're in trouble.

I've been thinking about moving house recently, but I just sort of, I'm of the opinion. I'll wait to the nuclear bomb drops and we're all rebuilding at once. There's no reason to get ahead of myself. You know, I, dude, imagine after. There's so many things I'm just putting backwards for a nuclear bomb. I've got a whole set ready to go. Well, I find it very hard to even want to do anything in my life at this point because you just think what's the point. And maybe that's going to kill us anyway.

The AI is going to kill us. The bombs are going to be dropped. Just enjoy your life. Imagine trying to find a contractor, though, after the nuclear fallout. It would be fucking nightmare, I tell you. Trying to get the builder down. Those quotes. What are you looking for your phone?

Yeah, hold on. I needed it for a second. All right. Sorry about that. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Where were we at? That's okay. Okay, so nuclear bombs going to drop. Housing market, going to be flat. Flat.

So this is, okay, here's an article today from the Guardian. It says Europe is of the belief Russia is preparing now to test NATO's limits. With America's hands tied behind its back and munition supplies reported as stretched to beyond the limit fighting Iran and now with Russia happening that Russia may test the response time of NATO and try to take over the Baltic states with Lithuania already giving its citizens

fight back and also evacuation plans. So this is the stuff I was reading saying, oh, I don't know if we're going to get the tickets. I don't think we'll sell any more tickets. I think the real problem with the tickets is like, But let's go war. But people are still going to Octoberfest. That has not dampened the joy of Octoberfest.

We have moved the show into a bunker, though. So if shit does go off. When we say the tickets are low, there's still going to be like a thousand people at each show. This is still like, this is still shows. These are still pop a show. So it's a safer space. You're not going to be in a giant arena. You're going to be in an underground bunker with a thousand people.

And we pop some of that champagne from the last time. Russia came into Berlin and have a fun night. Yeah, yeah, off we go to Munich. But you're seeing stuff like they keep saying that the UK is telling people to have canned food and be prepared in case there are strikes on London or on the nuclear facilities up there in Scotland. The poor Scots, they get, that's where they store all the nuclear fleet up there in Glasgow. It's so funny because when I moved to America, everyone was stockpiling, stockpiling, stockpiling and bunkers and all this stuff and it feels like it's not as as in vogue in America as it used to be.

They were mad for it around 2000. I think it is. It's just that, I think it's that media has splinted into right-wing, left-wing, and right-wing people are more preppers. So if you're watching right-wing content, you'd still get the prepper ads. We used to get, like,

reality programs called Doomsday Preppers and stuff like that. But I haven't been... Now the left, it's just Pre-H. I used to get sent, like, literally get sent, like, flyers in my mailbox, like, you want a bunker? It was big. But the billionaires are all buying bunkers.

in, you know, Argentina and New Zealand. So I like to follow what those fucking deadbats are up to. You don't need a bunker in New Zealand. You just move to Inbuqueral. New Zealand is the bunker. You just go to a place that's already looked like it's been bombed. Yeah, that's a hat on a hat, having a bunker in New Zealand.

You'll go down there. You'll actually find gnomes and shit. So. But I dug too deep. Oh, no. Oh, there's all these orgs. Oh. After I saw all this story about the UK, I thought, what's going on over there with their Prime Minister, Andy Burnham?

Because he's been catapulted into the job, this bloke, at probably one of the more precarious times for the British state since World War II. You would think they're being told they're going to lose the UK. Russia's going to strike the heart of London because Moscow has been hit. Moscow airport's on fire. And then I look at Andy Burnham. And I don't know if you've seen much of this fella. He's truly trying to do this whole, I'm just a regular northern guy. I'm chill.

I'm not a politician. If this is a video of him eating mushy peas, man. Okay, let's see it. Okay, let's watch this. Could you tell the difference if someone gave you a cup of Tetle's tea or Barry's tea? Absolutely. Best tea in the world. Now, are you a milk in first or milk in session?

He's none of the tea, but no, no, I'm milk in second. That was nearly a diplomatic instrument. Is there a conflict here? diplomatic incident has been avoided. Do you leave it brew? Yeah, it's wrong. How many cups of tea do you have a day? I drink too much tea.

I drink three or four in the morning. It will have some in the afternoon. But I've been told now to preserve one's sleep and stop at 6 o'clock. I think I can do double figures in a day. Keeps us going. Yeah. Here's us, berries tea and some kind of kinti sausages.

And then you're fine for whatever comes at you. Cheers. Cheers. It's got a distinctive taste. a deceit taste and yeah it's a comforting taste for me anyway yeah sorry and he says he does 12 to 15 cups of dine well they know they know yeah that's my irish heritage coming out there haven't oh boys in that that's just like the start of an awkward podcast episode one i've got a big guest on and it's called tea with what's his name it's burning tea burnum tea it's just like i i

I appreciate he seems like a reasonable fella, but you go, at this time of mass crisis, why are we having video after video with him being like, what do you put in your toasties? I do baked beans and cheddar. Me, I could do two toasties a day. Cheese and onion. Cheese and onion. Do you put cornishans on? Are you daft?

No. Anyway, there's plato. poisoning in London, the Kiji beer's taken over subway. Well, that's not why I don't live in London. I live up north because of the tea. It's not the fear of nuclear war. We don't really have that many statesmen left. You don't imagine Vladimir Putin puts out videos like that to the Russians.

You know, of all the flaws of Vladimir Putin, I don't imagine he has videos about which fucking pickled fish and vodka he likes in the morning. You don't believe Putin in the early days of his administration to ingraise himself to the Russians was just like sitting there, sipping a bit of vodka, eating a pierogi, going, yeah, you don't think he did that once? Of course he fucking did. Do you remember when he was shirtless on a horse? Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. They put out strength.

They're not sitting there talking about different cups of feet. That's not strength. He does judo. If you squint, you think it's a centaur. He spends his days His propaganda See, in Russia A propaganda campaign is

I was fighting bear this morning And then I did Judo And then I killed people in Chechnya And in the UK I'm just a regular book In England Propaganda is a gander That's really good

We do propaganda here man Yeah Oh mate you got to go down the road They show some propaganda I sell you Not that shit you get down the market. This is propaganda. That's what you should call the news agents, propaganda.

Hey, you have a gander at this. This is propaganda. But we love our leaders to seem, I don't get that, you know, and that's part of the populist thing, and that's the same as Trump, is we want our leaders to seem just ordinary like the rest of us. I don't want him to seem ordinary. I want him to seem concerned behind a desk, sort of like, fuck me, we've got a lot on. Yeah, yeah, no. That's what I want. I don't want to see the cups of tea.

I just want the caffeine to work on his brain to get him at the desk to get working. I want them stressed out. I like, I do like Selinsky because he never wears a suit. He just always rocks up. That's what he's, that's his propaganda. Yeah. That's his propaganda. He rocks up in Lulu Lemon, just like, I have to be able to move at any time.

There's shit going on. What he's always putting out is, I don't have time to wear a tie. I'm busy. I had 25 seconds extra that they could think about how to hit the Mosul. Yeah, yeah. No, no, but it makes me believe in him because he's up and he's moving, not the type of stuff, you know what I mean? So the Tea Party, this Keep Calm and Carry On theory in Britain, I don't know.

Give me a couch. Just imagine this. Imagine on a radio broadcast. Give me a couch. In 1930s. In 1940, and it's Winston Church. We will fight them on the beaches. We'll fight them on the land of grounds.

And preferably, I'll have a poloiseur. It's my favourite champagne to have. I love a poloiseer. And a little bit of whiskey with water in the morning. That's what I have, everybody. And currant cigars is the only thing I import. You're just listening on radio. I do also drink port.

This is pretty irrelevant news, to be honest, Prime Minister. It's propaganda. What are you doing with your rations? I tell you what, they try to take down the statue. Did they take down the statue at Churchill? Did they get it down in the end? They covered it in words and what type of stuff. Oh, they always have a go here and there because of the Bengali famine.

I believe. You want to have the one, what's Nelson? So he's hated by the right and the left now. No one can get to Nelson. Nelson's too high up on the top of his colon. If an Englishman can get a traffic cone on your statue, your statue's not tall enough. That's the gaze. That's how you do.

You've just got to leave it out on a Saturday night and see if Sunday morning it's got a traffic cone on its head. We've got to make the Plymouth higher. So we've got this, we've got that bloke in the UK, Jim. And then I thought we'll come closer to home here in America. J.D. Vance, people are saying, well, the Trump, the Trump, things over. He's a proof of a rating between... Oh, I thought it was pronounced Judd Vance. Yeah. Chud Vance is

trying to take over the mantelpiece, but he doesn't quite have any of the charisma. We know that. It's very, very clear that he lacks... Because his mother was on crack while she was in the belly. So he's got a bit of that... Well, you would have thought that if you had the crack in you, you might be interesting yelling and screaming down the street. You know, you'd be at least watchable. How

could you be that boring with crack in the system as an infant? Like, his mother definitely smoked when she was pregnant with him. No doubt. They made a movie about this. Yeah, yeah. About his... I've got the book here somewhere.

He'll Billy Eleggy of it. Yeah, so this is what happens when you smoke crack when pregnant ladies. Here we go. So I've got a video for you, Jim. He's had an attempt to humor and watch this. This is one of the great flubs of all time. And I do stand up comedy and I don't always get it right. I've always said this.

When you've got a comedian who flubs a... When you've got a politician who flubs a joke, like when George Bush went, the left hand needs to know what the right hand's doing like that right that's just a mistake the guy's talking a fucking lot you got his left and right mixed up in one moment and it's been replayed now for 30 fucking years him doing that thing so think about how many times on stage do you fuck up a joke oh horrific once a set once a set if you're doing an hour okay so let's see but this isn't even a fuck up this is just like oh man you're just one of the lamest guys ever watch this okay

Absolutely not. And because we need somebody who will fight back against the fart left, we need Michael Watley in the United States Senate. Was it him saying fart left? That was good. If you want everyone to clap, they'll make him hold signs. Now, you may not have even heard that, but I actually, I usually don't misspeak. But I just called them the fart left, not the fart left. I promise that was an accident. So to the fake news who will accuse me a bad language, I promise.

I did not mean to call them the fart left. I meant to call them the far left. He cannot run for a president. Right. There is no way that was an accident. Yeah, because that's the whole thing that. If you accidentally called him the fart left, you should giggle it.

And you just go, fart left. Sorry about that, everyone. Right? That's all you need to do. You never do a punchline and then go, well, you see why that joke was funny there was because I did a misdirection

and I said something foolish. So now that I've explained it, you can all enjoy it for the second time. Fart. And then he like triples down at it like, I've actually stumbled on something brilliant there. The fart left. And the fake news media will accuse me of using bad language. And the fuck news media. And the best bit is I'm looking at the last paid Donald Trump influences who are still left at the station.

The last mag of people in rank are like this. He is classic. Fart left. That's what they are. They're all hot air. The problem with a joke is now the left can nick it and use it against the fart right. The far right. We'll have fart right going.

I mean, one of the most just gutless pathetic things I've ever seen. Because it's very clear that whatever Donald Trump had. Let's just break it down very quickly, though. Do you fart left or fart right? I primarily, I fart. I fart right. I fart right. If I'm going to let one rip, I lean up.

You lift up to the right. I very rarely lift the left leg up for a fart. Very rare. I'm a fart rider. What are you? Think about it. I'd say I fart left because I do it in public places and give it away for free. Look, it does depend on, if I'm on an airplane and someone's sitting to my right, then I fart left.

Right? But if I'm just on my own on the couch, a fart right. Even if the wife's sitting next to me, because you knew this about me when you married me. Do you are you letting rip a lot with the wife? Okay, I used to fart a lot more when I smoked. And then when I gave up smoking, my farts have gone down,

I reckon 15 to 1. I was farting all the time. Really? That is sucking in all the air that you have to. I don't know. And I've Googled it and everything. That makes sense. I don't want to Google it too much because it seems embarrassing to Google that

that's my search all the time, does smokers fart more than non-smokers? But there doesn't seem to be any definitive answer on this question. But I gave up smoking and now I fart substantially less. Well, if anyone else is going through that, please do. Right into the lock bag. Smoking can make you pass more gas is what AI reckoned. Yeah, 100% because you're dragging in. Yeah, but do you think the farts come from your lungs?

Yeah, the air's got to get into your body. Do you think the air goes into your lungs and then it goes out through your lungs down into your colon? Is that where you record it has? Yeah, because you'll also, because I used to Google, why do I fart so much? Because I was, it was just happening too much for me. And it said if you eat like a pig, you chew a lot of, like you swallow a lot of air. Right. Well, I was, I was smoking and chewing a lot of air.

Yeah. So I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, okay, Jack has very. Yeah. Um, uh, uh, uh, uh, okay. why is smoking socially acceptable but farting is not? Yeah, well, that's not. But I will say... Imagine if there was the farters area in a bar.

I'll tell you two things about me that you... I met my wife in the father's area. My farts don't smell and my semen doesn't stain. I'm very proud of this. I'm very proud of this. You can put it on a t-shirt. Does that mean you've lost your fertility if it doesn't state? It's never stained.

When people talk about those stains, I've never had to. problem. It doesn't stain for me. As someone who used to sleep on your couch for a way of living, this is terrifying to me. I always thought it was clean. How would I know? Anything that you saw was sour cream or food that I actually ate too fast. But my farts were always odiless. My wife can attest that I have odourless farts. I am pretty good. But every now and again, about one in one fart every two weeks just clears a room. And you don't know when it's coming. And you you're all good and then it comes right i live on the 25th floor and i'll be honest with you i've cleared 24 floors it's it's been a couple of times now that i've i've let rip in the elevator

thinking no one will possibly be getting in and people will think it's 9-11 i'll tell i've got i got a new york story right one time when i first moved to america back when i was drinking drinking i think it was new york it might have been no i think it was new york um so i i i meet a girl we're both right if I told you this before a minute ago we've got getting one of these shitty little hotels that have like the lifts that go like that like that right we pull the thing we're we're in the lift we're we're going to have a one-night stand we've just met each other we're right into each other we're making out the lift we're going back to the room gunk the lift stops right the lights are still

very bright in there and there's a guy that yells up the shaft sorry about this we're getting someone don't worry about it you'll be fine, we're going to get someone to repair it. This has happened before. So now I'm in this lift with this woman with the bright sort of neon-y sort of level lights, like really bright lights. Right. So you're not like doing like a stuck porn video where you say we might as well make the most of it now. No, so we're like waiting to get up to the room. But the, the alcohol level between the two of us where we made this decision to have sex with each other, we were quickly, we were getting sober

and the light was the light was getting harsher and harsher and harsher and we both went off each other pretty quick. They pulled us out of the lift an hour and a half later and we both left the lift

and shook each other's hands. Well, it was a pleasure to meet you. You should have told the fire department I need a bottle of vodka somehow put into here. No, no. We both realized it was a mistake.

and moved on with our date. No hard feelings. Sorry about everything. Let's move on. Well, I'm going to move us on to another leader that's done some bizarre shit. What about Cash Patel? We got all of that from the fart left. What do you think of Cash Patel? Cash Patel to me always sound like the first name of a Indian porn star. Anytime anyone's called Cash. Yeah, I mean? Well, here's what Cash has been up to.

He's before Congress. And they're talking about people who have been best. or, you know, we're not allowed to join the FBI. And it seems like Cash Patel was fighting for people who have Beastiality on their record to be able to join the FBI. Have a listen to this. Well, they didn't hurt any people, did they? He's no longer protecting those who've been charged with beciality. He's protecting those who are victims.

Just turned it upside down. No, you did. No, you did. Because you lied. No, I could just tell you, what I'm reading to you is you dropped automatic disqualification for applicants. who have been engaged in bestiality, not victims of bestiality, applicants who have engaged. Do you disagree with that?

Applicants who have engaged in beastiality means they were victims of beastiality because they were forced to do so. And at this FBI, we are not going to criminalize and prevent victims from serving the United States of America and the premier law enforcement agency in the world. They did that before. I eliminated the bureaucracy that prevented these great Americans from serving or at least being considered from serving, and I'm going to continue to do that. Turn it upside down. Wait, what are we dealing with here?

Is he, okay. So a victim of bestiality is a dog or a cat or a horse or an animal, right? That's a, that's a victim. There was a longer clip where he said there's been reports that people have been forced. Yeah. So what he's trying to say is that there must be one agent in particular that he knows. There's one agent who's forced to fuck a cow or something. You had to fuck a dog gunpoint.

And so he's a victim of bestiality as well. But then that's, look. I, okay, look, if you are forced to have sex with any animals, I feel for you. I don't want to physically feel for you because, but if you are forced to have sex with an animal, I feel for you. But I don't want you working for the FBI because you don't seem tough enough for me. You'd break up the pressure pretty easy. Well, because I'd fight tooth to nail.

I would, look, there's lots of things. If the enemy, let's just say that you get kidnapped by ISIS, if you'd be like, oh, fuck the goat, where's the goat? If you made me eat a dog shit at gunpoint, I would eat a dog shit. I'm a pretty weak man, right? But if you made me fuck the dog, I'd be like, no, let's just, I've had a good life. I've had a good run. I'm just not saying that that guy should be in charge of the FBI. I shouldn't be an agent or anything like that. I feel like, yeah, you can't interrogate that guy. He'll fuck a cat. So he classifies it here with FBI director Cash Patel stated that change was made to protect potential human trafficking victims who may have been coerced into such acts. Okay, but aren't human trafficking victims?

They're normally immigrants and all that types. I don't fucking know. Who are these people? Maybe I think the world is just too nice a place. Maybe everyone's listening to the car going, it might be all right for you, Jeffries. I've had to fuck two dogs at gunpoint this one. week. So maybe I'm just not exposed.

I've had a good run. Where was that in the X-Steep files? Maybe next week I'll be on the podcast and go, I have to apologize to a large portion of our audience. They offered me a $10,000 fired or I had to fuck a cow. Yeah. And so if that video comes out, I want you to know it's AI. There can't be many people where this affects them.

So it says it can't be enough to put up a fight. it's very clearly someone he knows. Someone has come forward. Well, that's what I'm saying. Or somewhere in his background, he was made to like suck off a dog or something when he was bullied at school. And he's afraid that that footage is going to come out.

And that's where you got nicknamed cash. Because a lot of people get bullied into some stuff. It's not. Like, I wouldn't, it's just not one that I would, what I would do is, if you find the perfect candidate and you think, this is a great agent in the making,

we've got a real Columbo here, and you go, sadly though you have fucked a dog tell us about it i don't think that you should be discriminated against if you have done anything at gunpoint right so it doesn't matter like that's just make that the rule why do you have to if they've had to do any illegal activity in fear of losing their life at gunpoint that should not go against them if they have been trialled and it's been told that they're okay we don't have to work the out of animals into it.

And you don't need someone going. So if you've been at gunpoint, that's fine. Then someone went, even if it's fucking a dog? Just asking. Yeah, yeah, just anything coerced. If coerced, do anything. Cat? Yes.

Okay. Okay. Surely the sheep would be the same thing. And it was a knife. I was held at knife point for the sheep. That also works. Also, don't worry about it. Sharp pen, syringe.

As long as it hasn't been recorded, and no one knows, just keep to, Keep storm on that one. Did you ejaculate? So the first time I was held at gunpoint, but then the second time, I have to put my hand up. No, no, that's enough, mate. Okay, let's just say, let me pitch this to you. It's the greatest agent the world has ever known.

It's a Sherlock Holmes. It's James Bond. I did it to get information out of that gout. And she was the greatest of all time. I'll tell you that for sure. Let's say you're, and you're infiltrating the Taliban, okay?

And in the Taliban, you know how in some gangs, they're like, you have to kill a person to prove that you're one of us. He had to infiltrate the Taliban and they said, well,

fuck this goat to prove that you're one of us. Look, you know what it is. Understandable. It's something to do with some fraternity hazing or something like that.

It's someone's people like Yale, skull and burns. Yeah, yeah, it's one of those. It's something that's happened at one of the Ivy League schools or something like this, and then the guy's like, I had to wank off a pig or I couldn't get into the fraternity. Would you, would that be disqualification for anyone that you work with? If it turns out, they've done it in their past. There's a big difference between, there's a big difference between fucking a dog and

wanking off a, I don't know. No, it's all bad. I'm not going to... I'm going to say there's no difference. I don't want to throw a girl under the bus. What about these farmers that have to get it out of a horse? You know what I mean? They've got to get it out of a horse.

Like, do we condemn them? Just... Is that bestiality? Because they put the sheen on. No, that just goes under the umbrella of farming. I think it just depends on... You have to look really glum when you're doing that. You're not allowed to have a good day at the office when you do.

It's got to be like, ah, fucking hell, you know? You can't stand. there with the rod that goes up the asshole of the horse. No, you have, like, what you do is, you let it, what you do is you let it mount like a plastic. I've seen this done, right, on TV. You let it mount a plastic horse, right, right,

for the start. And then they weighed underneath it with like this long sock. And then as the horse is going back and forth, they go boom, and they whack it on right at the end. Oh, is that what it was? I thought they got the, they fingered the prostate of the horse. No, no, no. They let it mount another one that looks like,

that and then they basically use a flashlight on the thing to get it all. They're not just waiting underneath with a milking bucket. This is on TV or Jackass 2? That's right. I saw Jackass 2 on TV. That's where I've seen it, is this? That's where I said. I saw it on Jackass.

So, so, oh, Steve has like this. Oh, I can't become an FBI agent. Oh, bro. Dirk. There's somewhat. out there whose job it is. I'm winked off so many fucking animals. Oh man.

I was going to turn my life around. So does stabling my cock to a chicken's forehead? Does that count? Because we never even aired that. Cash Patel is working on behalf of Johnny Daxville. Man Majira. And Stevo,

who I was trying to go undercover. There's a fine line between bestiality and entertainment. is what I'm saying, how many times do we watch those fine young men who have entertained me for 20-something years drink animal semen? All the time. There was a girl I went to school with in grade seven and we went to her house and then her dog came around and she goes, check this out. And she rolled the dog over and she was playing with the dog and the dog and the dog got his stiffy, got his red cock out. They got that little red lipstick that comes out on the dog.

The lipstick and she grabbed the leaf and goes, watch this. And she grabbed the penis and she just like shook his penis. for ages and the dog and she's like, look how much he loves it. And everyone was like, yeah. Yeah, he does, don't he? Yeah. And she was like, he, it's like, it's just like,

he's, he's changed the story just a little bit just to make it work. Can I go I went to school, live with, school with? Fuck. She was young, older, younger than me. And I just want to say hello to Christina and I won't say your last name. Christina, you dog wanker. You can't join the FBI. She had the nickname Wolf for a long time.

If Azeo fucking tries to sign you up, check into Christina. She had the nickname Wolf. No one's going to, no one who went to school was going to crack who that was then. Oh, Wolfie. Well, we all know. I'm defending her because she has a career. I don't want to throw her out. Is she a business person?

Or is she work in her? She's in the professions. Oh, only fans. What color is sex work? That's blue collar. The problem is that buddy doesn't know credit cards. She'd be fucking killing it. Yeah, only fans is white color.

Blue collar is like streetwalking, isn't it? Yeah, and dog collar is what she's doing. She just does collar. Okay, so that's cash. We're just going to go through more leaders who are doing weird shit. Now look at, obviously our president has got his kids involved the whole way. No one likes Nepo in leadership. It's not, never goes well.

A lot of dynasties are destroyed by that. I saw this video go viral over the week about Chechnya and leader Kadyov's son. He's put his youngest boy as a member of the Security Council of Chechnya, and he was giving an address to all the generals and colonels and whatnot. And have a look at this weak little unit giving his speech. He's not an abroad. It's not an employee. which is to react to the

of the other to resolve. In the previous the next year in the Board of the Board of the Provenilevering

in the Regulment in the Republic in the of the security and proper of the protested action and

with the public in the not-fixirone It's monitoring of the public-political of the extent of what he's said there's

preterally control, the degree of that's what to goonjian. I, I, okay, I, I, I can speak a little bit of Russian.

What he's saying there is he, although he didn't agree with what Maclemore said, he felt it was wrong to actually fire him from the tour. And he would like to welcome

Maclemore to perform at Chechny and Independence Day. Ed Sheareran is a weak dog, he says. At least Ed Shearhan is a teleprone. This one's like this. I've also enjoyed. Like, it was just such a kid like having to do show and tell.

Like, Schoen Patel, right? Like, where, where you're going to go? I also, I like to do this. I like to do that. Like, those old dating videos before the internet, when people used to go to dating companies and people used to have VH cassettes that they'd give to the people where you can actually look at people.

I'm a fun guy. I like to dance. There was no, there, and you can see, look at the dad looking at him, like, come on,

you fucking, you fuck, I just, I just watch, there's a footage of Brandon Flowers, um, uh,

brought, he's doing this little tour of, a solo tour at the moment. And he brought his son on and he said, look, my 15 year old son, um, likes oasis and we're going to sing,

don't look back at anger, right? And so in between, when there was instrumental with, Brandon looks at his son. and sort of does the strumming, because his son's 15, does the strumming. Now, Hank came out on the Australian tour and told a joke on about five of the shows regarding the sales of our merch, right?

And I remember when he was up there, I'd be mouthing along because you want your child to do well so badly, right? Is there anything worse than watching your child fail at something? And then you're just like, this fucking dead shit. Like, there's two speeds with parenting. Amense pride. And did your mother fuck someone else? Where the fuck did you come from? Well, Chechen Lydia Kadyov, who's pictured there, you could just see he's looking at him like,

if you keep going, if you keep mumbling like this, there's going to be a cue against me, you fucking weak. Do we have a translation of what he actually said? Because what's his job again? What did you say his actual job is? He's addressing, he's giving a speech, he's 18 the boy, and he's, and he's, he's a job. and he's He's the head of the Security Council for Chechnya.

Yeah, he's out of his depth. Which is quite a peaceful place, so no necessary. His dad shouldn't have given him the job just yet. He should be the assistant to the head of this thing and then work his way up and then maybe he can have the job by his time he's 20, give him some work with public speaking and whatnot, maybe make him do a course at groundlings

Just just just just just just just just just just just just just just one summer just one summer three weeks where he does a bit of you know like theater sport games because in the old world like in the ottoman court they'd probably you know some of these general advisors would just kill him when he got home right they'd just poison his food like this is like I like I don't like regular TV I like to watch YouTube I like baggy jeans you guys are all got tight jeans this is not for me I want to make us a person statue of Mr. Beast. Mr. Beast is the worst. I believe because Mr. Beast has a theme park in Riyadh. By the way, how does Mr. Beast be allowed a theme park in Riyadh? And I'm not allowed to tell jokes there. Anyway.

Wait, Mr. Beast has a, he has a... Mr. Beast has a theme park in Saudi Arabia. A lot of his money comes from Saudi Arabia. He's the most popular. Really? 100%. It's called Beastland. It's got the big Beast head as you walk into it.

And you can do different stunts that he's had. on the Mr. Beast show and stuff like that. Yeah. You know, putting a ball in the clown's mouths, it's just different journalists and you put socks down there. In saying that,

I just watched a Mr. Beast where he opened up schools in South America and Africa for kids who are living in mud pits so that they don't have to fucking go pick chocolate beans or cocoa beans all day in slave labor. And so the guy does a lot of good, but I'm a Mr. Beast fan. I'm not a Mr. Beast fader. But,

uh, He does have a theme park in Riyadh. I wouldn't be investing anything in Riyadh because the Houthis continue. The boys in flip-flops, the lads, the sandal men. I don't think the people in Riyadh need you to invest in it. They want to invest in it themselves. No, but they're done. I don't think that people in Riyadh are like, any outside money?

We're trying to get this place up and running. Well, I'll just say, well, they need it now because I can't get the Royal out anywhere and their airports are being bombed. And I think they were counting on Donald Trump to come to their rescue. Because I read an article that said that the, The lines at Beastland have never been shorter. Can you think of a better time to go to Beastland? You don't need a fast pass.

You don't need a fast-past. You don't need Beast mode. Not at the moment. No, you can fucking wander around Beastland all day. Do you know why they have a small army? It's because the Royal Family is too afraid if they had a big army that they would get couped. So they have a small army and we're relying on Donald Trump to keep his word to them. And there's every chance they get turned over in a restaurant.

revolution. So, you know, keep your eye on that fun situation. And our thoughts go out to Beastland, obviously. I haven't seen enough comments about Beastland. It was only there for 45 days. So the lines are really short at Beastland, really short now, really short. I would like to take over the property of the world to make the ATM park. You can ride on the, the, the, Bonnie Blue Dumboes that go up and down. The stick is a cock that you just pull back and forth. and the little body blue goes up and down. We've got it all there. Well, now it's the Houthy haunted house.

Yeah, yeah, the Houthy haunted house. We're going to have a New Zealand dunk tank. Ptm World. It's good stuff. And then there's the Cash Patel Petting Zoo. Where you pet them and they pet you. Okay. We should do another story.

Then we can move on to some. I've got a comedy story that I think is worth addressing about the BBC, Mitchell and Webb, the old sketch shows. Love Mitchell and Webb. They did great sketch shows. We'll do that at the end. Peep Show is their big show, if you don't know. Love peep show.

So last one that I do here was, A, Anthony Albanese was in town, not greeted by any of the U.S. government. No one respects him. Secondly, Donald Trump has banned the media, and even Fox News now, the press corps, have joined in with MSNBC Politico and CNN and is no longer following the president around, which has led to a lot of press conferences where Trump is talking and there's no audio

because no one has set up the microphones. Let's have a look at some of the clips. So, okay, so people just listen to the podcast. Donald is talking right now. There is no microphone because there's no microphone because the pool cameras aren't there. So maybe, Tim, this is one. example of it backfiring just a little bit.

Pick up on, or some of things Michael was saying, and obviously the ramifications are right here. Can't hear what the president's saying. What was the opening? I saw this. He had a big pair of scissors. It was a ribbon cutting ceremony for, you know, some factory of some variety.

And that's going to be one of my inventions is a ribbon that cuts easily. I've never seen one of them work straight away. It always needs to be on the right angle. I know this because I just watched Mr. Beas's last video when he opened up a new school in Africa and they went to cut the ribbon. They couldn't bloody do it in time. Tires over. Easy cut ribbons.

There's one of my ideas. Anyway, carry on. Then he was with Mum Darnie and his bromance with Mum Darnie just carries on. They're into each other now. It's been like that since the top. Donald just loves the Riz. You know what I mean? He can't stand J.D because J.D.'s over there going, the fart left.

And Trump's like, oh, my God. What a word, weak guy. And then he sees Mamdani, and he just loves what this man's all about. And listen to the two of them sit there and talk about the press ban. A little uncomfortable. Thank you. Mary, do you first, what's your response to President Trump banning outlets from the White House grounds? Did you challenge him at all about this in your meeting with him?

Historians and legal scholars have called it textbook authoritarianism. And Mr. President, are you banning outlets like MSNN, CNN? and Politico in order to distract from the Iran war and the high gas prices. MR. You know, I told the President that we're going to have all of the members of the press here on the lawn, and that is something that I believe in, is everyone, no matter the opinion or the critique, that we engage. MR.

Mr. President. MR. MR. It's interesting because they said they were going to boycott me, but they never boycott me. So I wasn't very worried about that. Look at all that press. But no, I'm only doing it because I think the press also is an obligation.

And, you know, I won in a landslide. I won the election in a landslide. I've done great things. I've done a lot of great things. I've settled eight wars. We have the best economic numbers for the country in the history of our country. We have $21 trillion pouring in. The biggest number ever any country was three.

Nobody's ever done what we've done. I never get anything positive. It's always negative, even having to do with the war. We've done so well, we have told, look, they're not going to have a nuclear weapon. Let me just put it that way. And they're not doing well. They're not doing it. In fact, I have meetings on it today.

They're doing very poorly. You would think that an outlet would write at least reasonably well, but never. If you look at CNN is fake news. If you look at MS now, I don't even know what MS now is. I guess it's the MSNBC, what it used to be, or MSDNC, as some people call it. That's Democrat National Committee. biased news. And I think that these outlets have an obligation to be fair. And if they're fake news, I really think I have an obligation not to allow them into another very special house. This is

a special house. Gracie Mansion. Well, the White House is the most special of all houses, I have to say, and I don't even think the mayor would argue with that. And I think I have an obligation not to let fake news. They're very bad for the country, very bad for national security. So I have that obligation. So we'll see how it works out. It's a very special house. Thank you all so much. Did you see that, Mum, Darnie? We have this house, we have the White House.

Rana McDonald's house is another big one. How about that pause from Mum Darnie where he's like, look, man, I tried to just give you, though. Well, I think the press are important. And then he goes on a rant about how good he's doing. And throws in the, I think the man would agree. He'd agree with that. He'd agree that the White House is a nice house. You can agree with that, right?

Yeah, this is a good one. Let me tell you how well the economic numbers are. Do you know, diesel has hit over $10? With the press thing, with the press thing, if he doesn't, if the stories are fake, fucking sue. Fucking sue, sue him, you know what I mean? Like, he's just gone, I don't like the way that you do things. You're not allowed in the fucking room.

If they're lying, call to action, sue them, and then we'll move from there. Yes, well, I mean, even in his defense. fence of telling the truth. He says the economic numbers are the best ever. And a lot of that is major global investment into these AI companies that will not make us any better off, but the billionaires will. And now it's, you see this in California, diesel has got to such a rate that, you know, the board at a gas station that shows you the prices? You can only, you can't handle four numbers, man. They're going to have to move to a smaller font. Oh, no. Like, He's creating more jobs in that he needs to build bigger screens to display the prices

at all gas stations, which is infrastructure building of a kind. Yeah. That created a few jobs. Yeah, a couple. Well, the whole thing, whenever I hear the average price of a gallon of gasoline in America is, what, $4 something or whatever, like, it's like $6.99 here in L.A. right now. I boo-hoo to the rest of the country. We're getting fucked up the art.

We also pay the highest property taxes, the highest income taxes, and we got the highest fuel. So, look, and no one gives a shit about us. So I'm not very sympathetic to the rest of the country paying $4.99 or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah. That's like 2014 prices for people in California. I'm sure in New York it's just as bad, right? Yeah. I don't know.

That's the benefit of not having cars here is I just walk around and city bike everywhere. So you don't feel that burn. and however, only now, you know, people that are always spoken about this, when diesel goes up, all of the industry of the world runs on diesel, which means the cost of production for everything we have is going to go up. And it's finally starting to sink in. And in many of the red states who have their midterm elections right now, those candidates couldn't be further from Donald Trump right now.

They're distancing themselves as much as they can saying the Iran war has to end and, you know, that they're not part of Donald Trump's agenda. of the new Republican Party because they know, particularly for farmers and stuff like that, who are all going bankrupt, this administration has fucked them royally, royally. And Donald Trump can talk all he likes about trillions of dollars coming into, you know, grok and Claude and Anthropic Open AI.

But for regular people, this is about, I mean, do you meet anybody who feels well off right now? No. No, look, I feel it. it's hard yeah this is about as bad as i've ever seen it in my life and that's why when you ask people to come out and buy tickets to shows when they do turn up which our fans do i'll tell you something i know about comedy clubs is stand-up comedians in comedy clubs haven't had a pay rise in 20 years that's not happened there hasn't been like maybe we had it too good 20 years ago

that's all i can think is no but we have not had a fucking pay rise in a comedy club for a long, long time. Not a long long time. I mean, this wouldn't be huge. I live exclusively off Uber Eats two for ones. The problem is I think to myself, great. I've just got a good deal. But then I just eat the two now and then order another two for one later.

So that just makes me more obese. I, yeah, I order too much food because then we'll have a meal for tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we don't. No, I don't have a discipline for two for one ordering. I'm an over-order and my wife's an under-orderer, right? So if my wife orders a sushi or something like that, I'm hungry at the end of the whole thing. And then me, there's always stuff in the pre-hand.

I want to tell a quick story about my home life at the moment. So my son had a bunk bed in his room and you didn't want a bunk bed in his room. Did he, he slept up the top and he used the desk down below? No, no, no, no, no. He had the bottom bit was like a twin-sized and then it had a single bed up tall. But he's had it since he was five years old, you know, the same bed, right? And so it was time for it. I could remove just the top bit of the bunk and he'd have a lovely bottom bed.

But it had a bedhead at the end. The kid's going to be six foot tall before I know it. And his feet started banging at the end. And he said, I want a bed that doesn't have a wooden bit at the end. I get it, right? Sure. He's moving around. And so I said, all right.

Well, IKEA does fine. Off to IKEA we go. I went and got the IKEA bed. And I thought, we'll put it together together, right? They've got rid of the. The Allen Key isn't a thing. This bed had screws and fucking. bolts and shit and just there's a lot of like these these little discs that you put like a thing

in the the disc goes around but i needed i needed a stand i needed a flat head a a um a fucking phillips head i needed uh well i didn't i could have used a drill but i didn't use a drill but there was all these things i needed to get the bed together we used to just all be about the allen key i said to him when we got the bed i said i said we're going to put together some ikea furniture we'll do it together because women are always impressed when you can do it for him. And it's really, really easy. And it's a life skill that you just, you know, we'll do it now. So I bought him a bed and then my plan was to let him just to build the bedside table by himself type of thing, right? We build the bed. We put the mattress on. Now, sadly, when I was getting

the mattress out of the plastic, I cut some scissors and I put a little split that was out this big in the back of the mattress. So I can't return it, but I had to put a bit of a gaffer tape over. It was at the bottom of the bed, so it won't affect it. A bit of gaffet tape on the back there, you know, put it on the bed. Anyway, he wakes up the next day. He wakes up the next day. How's your new bed? Oh, Dad, it's brilliant. Best bed ever. Thanks so much, Dad.

You're the best dad in the world. I appreciate you, mate. Thank you for getting me this bed, you know, because he had this other bed for all these years, right? And anyway, he goes to his mother. He goes, oh, it's a bit, it's a bit firm. The mattress is a bit firm. I didn't want to tell Dad because, you know, we put it together,

they're together and all that stuff. And I'm like, I could have returned the mattress and got the mattress that he wanted, but I've already cut into the back of it, right? And so his mother's gone, Can you get him one of those memory foam toppers? Now, did you confront him and go, why did you have to tell your mum? This is it. This is it.

I get the text message. Hank's bed's too firm. While he was staying over at his mother's house, right? He wasn't in the house. Hanks bed's too firm. He needs a mattress topper. You want some mattress topper with a bit of memory foam when it make it a bit softer like this, right? And I said, is there anything else the little prince needs?

Like this, right? And I was like, do you ever recall? we said this off of picking your mattress as a kid. This is my point. I never had a say in anything. I don't know how old my mattress was, but it was slept on by several people before it got to me, right? I could sleep in that bed very easily like this, right?

But I also, my father, okay, so my brother Scott slept on foam. Foam. I know I slept on it several times as well, where my father just got a chunk of foam, foam. Right? Not styrofoam, just big yellow block of foam that probably cancerous materials are in. He cut it into a shape of a mattress and then that's what my brother slept on for a fucking, he slept on that for about 15 years. That is a sad memory foam, isn't it?

Yeah, sad memory foam. So, so I said, now, now when I first moved to Perth, I had to. get a place to live. My parents didn't give me any money. I was studying at university. I found a place that was in the paper that was literally the only place I could afford. There was no other places I could afford. And it was 80 bucks a week, all inclusive. That's $80 Australian, all inclusive, right, for everything. What, as in food, or do you mean bills? As in all electricity, all running water, all everything. So $60 American, all inclusive for the week, was by budget, right?

And so what it was, it was an old gay fella who had a shed in his backyard, right? Yeah, this is a bit wolf creaky. He had a fucking shed in his backyard. My door was a roller door that went like that to get in. Then you went like that. He had built this shed. At the end of the shed was a single bed that was built into the room. Like they'd built our wooden bit into the room.

This is starting to sound like a trap. Yeah, with a mattress that was covered in stains and the springs in the middle, we're down to like fucking nothing. I had a hot plate and a microwave and a mini fridge in the room. The room was about six and a half feet wide because it was the width of the bed. The room was a width of a single bed. Then it went along where the roller door was. And then I had a little bench that had the,

the hot plate and the microwave. If I was to shower, I would have to go into his main house, right? And he just had a lot of pictures on his walls of his many trips to Thailand. Right? He was mad into Thailand. He had like wooden carvings. Did he cook a nice pad tie or a musselman carry or he wasn't focusing on the cuisine when he was over there? So I would come in.

He had his shower next to his bedroom and he had another shower just off his laundry that I'd shower in. and I'd always wait till I saw him go out to get groceries before I shower or something like that. Anyway, my point is, I have slept in rough places. And I said to my son, I said, I said, you better not become a stand-up comedian because the first four years are all couches. They're all sofas. There's no one goes straight. Even now, even now, I sometimes get in a bed.

I'll tell you about a hotel in England. I've spoken about this hotel before, but it deserves a ring. The Formula One. The F1 Hotel in Liverpool, the Formula One Hotel in Liverpool. When you walk in, see if you get pictures of the room at the Formula One Hotel in Liverpool. It was 25 pounds for the night. 25 quid for the night, right? I was going up there to do gigs that were paying 80 pounds.

So 25 pounds was my limit, especially since I just spent 50 quid on the train ticket to get up to Liverpool. This is how hungry I was, right? Oh, mate, it's rebranded to Ibus budget. right okay so what happened back in the day the whole room was tiled like a bathroom the entire room wash it down yeah the entire yeah but they've made the rooms nice now but you can somewhat no no no this is the whole room that's that's the hotel back in the day the formula one there it is right that the whole room in the early 2000s was just tiles there was a sink and a shitter An open air shitter in the corner of the room.

A prison cell. Yeah, prison cell. An open air shitter, a thing, a little TV above the door that was probably a 12-inch TV, right? And the mattress was made out of rubber, right? They would put sheets on your bed. You would have a sheet. You'd have a duvet. You'd have a pillow.

You had a remote control, right? Then when you left the room, they would take the remote control. they would take out the sheets and they would get a fucking circus hose and they would clean that cunt. That's how they would clean the room for the next person to get in there. For the travelling serial killer.

It's an absolute delight. They would throw in a shot of bleach and then just spray. Good to go. Next room. Next room. Yeah, we don't have that anymore, do we? Everyone's become very precious.

And I was about 23 or 4 when I slept in that room. And I picked up after the gig, is there anything that kills the moon? Look, a broken elevator doesn't kill the room as much as a shitter in the corner. Well, you know, there's a lot of prison sex for men, so it doesn't put us off each other. Oh, sometimes I still think about it to come. Do you know, my worst sleeping one that I can tell Hank is when my mom had moved to Perth, she moved in with this man

and she'd been there for two years and then I decided I'm going to go over and mum had sort of guilted me to moving to Perth so I moved in with mum and her partner and he had three kids of his own and they'd be their mum's one week and then they'd be back at this house one week and I was staying there permanently

and mum said you'll have a bedroom soon and it had been a month there was no bedroom I was sleeping on an air mattress in this man's office he was like a doctor and his rule was he was cool with that,

but I had to deflate the mattress before I went to school every day and roll it into a ball. And then at nighttime, I'd have to reflate it because he didn't want to see any trace of me being in there. Oh, bless you. So I would go, at nighttime.

I imagine once you roll it up, the amount of masturbation you did, it was like a cheese scroll. And then what would happen was is when his son was away, back at his mums, I would at night time sneak in and sleep in his son's room. And then one day he came into the bedroom and goes, this is my son's room.

Go back down to your blow-up mattress. I said, but Jordan's not here. He goes, that's my son's bed. You're not my son. Go to the blow-up mattress or take the hint and go home to Adelaide to your real bed. Oh, oh, the true, Air Jordan. That was one of my first jokes in stand-up Jim. I was like, every time I wanted to fuck, I had to

then I also had to blow up the mattress. I was out of energy before I even got to the bed. Did you ever get your own room? No, never. So it actually, my mum was like, you need to give my son a room. And that ended up breaking up their relationship because he was like, they want him here. So my mom actually basically got divorced from him.

Imagine marrying a woman and then not just accepting their fucking kids, man. Like, that's rule one. That's rule one. If you, if you marry a person who has children, you take, they're a package. You take the whole fucking thing. But did, I did a, I did a basic, I think it was 10 months on a blow-up mattress, fucking camping on the floor.

It was, I look back at it. What happened to that fuck now? Is he remarried or anything? What happened? Oh, no. And what is, what has Jordan achieved in life that's so fucking wonderful? I don't know what the three kids get up to. I don't know how.

how much they were into their, into their old man, but he was a, it was a, he was, you know, they always talk about doctors like surgeons being real pricks? Yeah. Well, they've got a got, the plastic surgeons have a bit of a god complex, don't they?

Yeah. Because they're actually changing man. At the end of that relationship, I do recall hiding some fucking seafood under his, his lounge when we, when we moved out. That was, that was as good as I could get out.

Right, was he allergic to shrimp? But I bring that up to my mum all the time now and she's like this. Oh, that was like, that was three weeks. So it was 10 months. She goes, what do you care? You're a child. You had a roof over your head. And to be fair to Hank, who I hope is listening to this, it was okay.

You fuck. It was. Look, look, no, but okay, may we both add that Hank's a great kid, right? And what really happened was he said to his mom, oh, it's a bit hard. And then his mom came after me to fix it, right? He wasn't going to complain. He was going to rock it out. But the truth about it is if I didn't cut the mattress,

then, you know, those mattresses have a two-month return policy, don't they? That's a thing with a mattress in case you don't like it. You can return the buddy thing. And it's easy enough to get a bed-topper. It's not that big a deal. But the fact that, the fact that,

oh, you can't sleep on a bloody little mattress. And his mother went like this. He's a growing boy. He's fucking dirty. He's meant to have no, he's meant to be, like, no injuries whatsoever. If he's waking up stiff, there's a real problem. Well, you know, but if you know what I'm saying, you can't be an FBI. Princess in the P, more like the fucking Prince in the Edomarme being.

That's the second time I've said it and it works every time. We'll be right back. After these messages from Helix mattresses. Where's Helix when you do you do? We have it. We used to get sponsored by Helix mattresses. We have a Helix mattress in the house. That is a banger, that one.

Big fan. Big fan. I might buy another one. Jack, click this. I want to bet. What was my code for that? Probably ATM. Yeah, probably ATM.

Yeah, I'll buy another one. I'll just buy another one. Before we, we're going to finish up, but I wanted to quick shout out to the AFL grand final this weekend. I'm not a big believer in second team. But because I did live in Perth and Adelaide, I loved the free. Was it a grand final, this Hawthorne game that everyone's going on about? It was the pre-lim final. So the final this weekend is the Docker's.

and the Brisbane lines. So I'm going to throw my support by the Freo Dockers. Love Fremantle. My favorite part of Australia, just about Freemantle. Fremantle would be my team if I was to have an AFL team. When I lived out there, they always got pushed around by the West Coast Eagles. Go Frio, Frio, way to go. Frio, way to go.

Now, let's go into this comedy scandal that's happening in the BBC. I say scandal. I think it's just interesting how there's a lot of old shows that get put onto streaming services that don't supposedly meet the standards of the day. Now, some people put a warning on them, like Gone with the Wind. Yeah, back of the day. And they'll say like, hey, this is a bit racist. But, you know, here's the movie.

It's a classic. Well, the BBC with Mitchell and Webb, which is a big show. The guys have. And their comedy isn't that edgy. It's got a bit of edge, but it's nothing too serious. I wouldn't describe it as being too edgy. They've pulled 11 episodes. So the BBC is edged at that Mitchell and Webb for IPlayer cutting several sketches after deciding the material no longer works today.

This was from 06 to 2010. I was living there during this time. I was watching their show. Also, they're the ones who put it out. So the BBC is looking back at their own work some 20 years later ago. I'm sure they're doing the same thing with Little Britain. Little Britain had a lot of blackface and an Asian character and stuff like that. You know, we have Chris Lilly, got some of his stuff canceled.

So, show up to me. Okay, one of them has a joke about Jimmy Saville, which they took out. They also took out this sketch. Wait, you're not allowed to joke about the pedophile, or was it in a positive light? I don't know. It just says a joke that references Jimmy Saville, but I'm going to show you one of the sketches now. Let's have a look at this one.

This is a makeover show. Remember that used to be a big thing on TV. They'd be like, this person's ugly. And we're going to help make them over, like queer eye kind of thing. There used to be a show called 10 years younger where it wasn't just a makeup show. There's another one where they do plastic surgery on the people, right? Yes. And there's another one called The Swan.

I would encourage anyone just to watch the last five minutes of Swan episodes on YouTube. It is brilliant because it was a show on Fox back in the day where they gave people plastic surgery and then they had to live in their house while they were covered and they took all the mirrors out, right? so the person doesn't see themselves and they're completely transformed and they weren't just transformed like I got a nose job they did tits they did lipo they did this

they would have made you tall they would have done anything it's fantastic telly but this is what we're going to watch okay ready to go okay let's watch this one and Jack I want you to play the one the makeover show me one with the flowers in the sick Hello it's me Jason

you know me I came fourth in Big Brother 7 and then third in Celebrity Big Brother 3 just six months later You're like that, Ainsley. And I'm Fiona Ashcroft, professional clothes stylist. Yeah, like, that's a job. We get on. Chemistry. And welcome to another edition of How Not What to Look Like.

Yeah, why don't you do that bit? How Not What to Look Like, How Not What to Look Like. This week's volunteer is Anita, who's from Coventry, where she's a mother and a homemaker. What, a builder or a housewife? Honestly, Jason. Yeah, Chemistry. And here she is. Hi.

Now just before we get started, the burker is that... That stays, obviously. David. Yeah? I'm a bit worried about that, actually. Why? Well, the whole burqa thing. Burke a thing. I'm not sure we quite know what we're trying to say.

Do we have to be saying anything? Well, no, but... I mean, aren't we just taking the piss out of people's sincerely held beliefs? Well, maybe, but I think you can worry too much about this kind of thing. I mean, what's offensive to one person is just good, clean fun to you, right? I see you started blacking up again. Was that because you were playing an Asian woman? No, I just like it. Right.

It's more me. Okay. Don't you think people might think that's a bit? I don't care what people think. Okay. I've got to the point where I just don't care what people think anymore. That's a fuck. It's a good sketch.

It got me. I didn't know he was going to pull it off and have my face. That was very funny. But like, good work. But the premise of that isn't, it's good to do blackface and let's make fun of the person. Okay, so the people who just listened to the podcast, the big joke was that it was a makeover show, he's in a burker, then he lifts off the burker and underneath the other black face on, right?

I thought they were just canceling it because of the burker. Now, I can see why they've had to cancel this one because there's a precedent being set with other blackface sketches. But I was, I thought they were canceling it over the burker bit of the sketch. look it's sad it's a very good sketch it's a funny fucking it's a very good sketch it's very good sketch

uh and also but that's not like a black when you're writing a sketch the first bit is how about a makeover of a person in a burker okay that's a great idea right and then you have to go to the next step the next step yeah fuck me

but again I don't think anyone's looking at that guy well that's not like the premise of that joke is oh my god it's he's look how racist this person is not only is he done the burker he's also got he's got a black face on they're not like

playing a black character Yeah, he's not playing a black character They aren't Rejoicing in the racism The racist is the person Who is being bad in the sketch Look Okay, here's the next one

Let's do one more Of course I'll always go for comedy Of course that shouldn't be bad No that one, that one's okay This one's called the abduction The Garden Centre cult All right, tell me what you think of this one All right here we go

I mean you could use ornamental glasses It's a very good just for sort of softening you harder landscaping? That's a good idea. Isn't it Martin? Hmm? Oh yeah, yeah, very clever. We've got some nice pamphal squads, but we can get it down.

Hey, I don't get some kind of... Oh! Good, good. Strong. Mm. Martin, I'm Martin. Martin. Martin.

Martin. Martin. Oh, good. Martin. Martin. You. Us now. I can't live here. I've got a job and a girlfriend.

Ha! Many brides here. No, Martin, you live here, take his shoes. What? No, no, I'm not gonna stay here. Just because you've got my shoes. Ha! Then how you cross great gravel pathway? Martin Shoes stays.

Take bride. In three moons, you not like? Birriton shoes. All right. The... That's... That's good, Jack. All right.

That sketch wasn't as good as the other one. That's the problem with that one. Yeah, that one's a quality problem, you'd say. That one just, I'm not that plastic, if that sketch exists or doesn't. I like the fact that. I can't see them putting up a fight for that one. Her name has escaped me, but the lady in the sketches went on to play the queen in the crown. Did you?

Yeah, she played Queen Elizabeth in the Crown for like three, four seasons. Well, maybe this has come from her. She's trying to bury this. She's done black fate sketches and the crown, which is better than the queen who probably just does blackface. If they did do blackface in this sketch, then it would be far worse. Because who are they playing? Yeah, they're doing like classic island. The only reason why you can almost get through that sketch is because it's such a nondescript race of who it is.

But that one, that one I think is. Look, the funny doesn't outweigh the racism. The funny always has to outweigh the racism. The funny outweighed the blackface and the other one. So you've got to be really funny to pull it off that sketch. Just didn't pull it off. The funniest bit about that sketch is trying to walk on pebbles in socks. Yeah, that sketch reminds me a lot of that famous Bob Hawk joke.

Do you know the Bob Hawk joke? Yes, yes, yes. He stabs himself. You can tell the joke if you want, but it's... I'd rather have... Bob Hawke play the play the joke if you want. Let's play, let's play Bob Hawke doing the joke, okay? Jack, this is a quick, quick edit pointer. Now, for people who don't know why Jack's getting this, Bob Hawke was a prime minister in Australia who, I think, had the longest,

second longest term in the history of the country. John Howard had the longest. Yeah, John Howard had the longest. Yeah, he was a, he's beloved by the left and the right. Everyone sort of had a bit of time for him. He was a guy who would. skull beers and all the other stuff. He was a left-wing politician, but he had a lot of blociness to him. He was a right-wing politician. He was left-wing. He was left-wing politician.

That was a road scholar. He had a bit of... You know, if you go to the University of Western Australia behind the bar, he holds the record for sculling a beer the fastest, and that was long before he was the prime minister of the country. Have we got the sketch? So I'll just tell you a story, which is also a boating story, which captures the Australian of reverence.

There's three blokes Some of you've heard the story But it just captures a thought Three blokes A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Aussie And hiking in the Andes in the middle of summer It's about 45 bloody degrees Sweating like pigs

They get to stop at this mound They look down And there's this most beautiful pristine lagoon They go scrambling down the side of the mountain And get their gear off and dive in Oh, bloody marvellous. The natives come and grab them,

take them the chief. Chief says, you have broken most sacred law. This is our most sacred sight. For this you die. When we kill you, we take off skin. Out of skin, make canoes. Put canoes on leg. Permanent remind of all people.

Never infringe our most sacred site. Tie them up. No time up. He says it the Frenchman. Before you die, you have one last wish. What's your last wish? He said, I would like a knife.

His French is terrible. He says, I'm not going to die out the hands of you savages. Vive la France. Now over he goes. Then says to the Ingeman. Like your last wish, you like my friend from across the channel.

I too like a knife And they bring him a knife And he says, You like my friend For the cross of chattel I too am not going to die At the hands of you savages God save the queen

The inside of the The Aussie He said, I want a fork They bring him a fork And he goes There goes your fucking canoe There goes your fucking canoe. There goes your fucking canoe

I reckon the punch line Should be Try making a canoe out of that cunt but it's all in the telling. Some notes for the great, Bob. But the funny thing about that is that's the same prime minister who, not long after that gag, passed the ATSIC, which is the Aboriginal Torres Strait Islander Commission. Yeah.

Oh, no, no. You know what I mean? That's what our Australian left-wing politicians sound like. He was like, at home, our native people. You should hear the jokes from the Reich. that there is like our fucking Harvey milk that's our Bobby Kennedy some fucking canoe

and the only reason we did that savages he can see he's wearing the Australia flag jacket so that was for the America's Cup and so he's gone this is what I love about old politics he's at a sailing race and so his brain goes I'm at a sailing race I've got to feel some time

He goes, I know a boat joke. I know a boat joke. And there's been no one to talk him out of it. This is in the world before a lot of advisors. That's what you had. Well, in all truthfulness, if he told it today, maybe it wouldn't get the same response or whatever. It is a good joke. A little bit of finessing.

It's a decent solid pub joke that he fluffed at the end. But, yeah, no. But you won't see that one on the BBC, I don't think. You won't see. You won't, Albo couldn't tell a joke to fucking save you. his life. Oh, bloody, Abonezzi, the Australian Prime Minister then. I'm getting fed up with this bloke. There is some news. I have been approached this week by the ABC. I will read what I've been approached. I've been approached. Oh, for it, Max? Yeah, so we all, we all know about my nephew.

Dying. The ABC have approached me. I'm humming and aering about. it. This reporter, bless her, she has been reporting on the tragedy about my nephew, was sadly one of the people who died. I understand that this is a sensitive matter, but we'd like to see if Jim Jeffries would speak to me after the Senate committee reported to a report released on Friday recommended an investigation be reviewed after claims of corruption. So now we're going to have another investigation about the corruption in the original investigation. So we're at year three now.

Year three. Well done, Australia. You've fucking done good work there. Everyone's proved. We've had test pilots on. We've had this. We've had that. We've had an investigation.

Don't speak out against the Labor government as a comedian or, you know, they'll say you've gone crazy and you're a cooker. You're one of these cookers that you, are you telling me that you think the government would lie and cover up their fault in the death of Australian soldiers? You're one of these cookers like Dave Hughes. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm a fucking shill for the bloody... Don't you love, though, that like a lot of the centre left of Australia,

they honestly believe word for word everything their government tells them, and if anyone goes off reservation, they think they're fucking mad, as though we're meant to trust the government in all situations. Wait till it happens to your fucking family, and you'll start doubting what goes on there, I assure you. Oh, no, I don't know whether I will talk to them or not. I don't know what can I lend to the argument. The only difference between me,

and any other relative of Max is that I'm on the telly. That's the only difference. You know what I mean? My opinion doesn't matter as much. I've said what I've got to say. Yes, of course, there be another investigation.

But you want to know my stance on the thing? I would like the family's paid out or whoever gets paid out and I would like people to be able to move on with their lives because the problem is if someone dies in a car accident or has a drug overdose or something, you mourn and you mourn and you mourn and you mourn and then you remember them at Christmas and on their birthdays

and people remember them every other day as well. But you don't have to go to an inquiry. You don't have to go to another meeting. You don't have to read through fucking another 300 pages of fucking rubbish. You don't have to fight with the bloody government. Just do the decent thing and make it over. Pay out the money and just fucking move on. Just move on.

Fuck me. This whole denial. You make that the 1% question. Yeah, yeah. This upcoming season, who was it fault? Because apparently it takes three years of Senate inquiries to get to the bottom of it. It's fucking hard. You go, you have three years to answer and your time starts now.

Oh, I can't answer it. Pass it over the next contest. We're having an inquiry on the inquiry. Then we could have an inquiry. The Russian dolls are fucking inquiries these. We just keep going and going and going around in circles. I want to get to a stage when I think about Max, I'm not angry. where I just, you know, Joe Biden said something once,

because Joe Biden, I don't know, you know, what you think of him or whatever. I'm not a big fan of the man. I'm not a big fan of the man, but he went through tragedy as a young man. He lost his wife and his five-year-old son in a car accident, right? That's hard yards. I don't care whether you're on the left or the right or what you think of him now, but that's hard yards. And he spoke to a whole lot of people who lost family members in an accident.

And he said, I promise you that one day, when you think about your loved one, it won't be with sadness. A smile will come across your face. And I've had that three times with Max where I've thought about him and I've smiled rather than cried. And I would like that to be the norm more than the crying. And they're just keeping the crying going and going and going. Anyway, let's talk about something a bit more fun. Well, if we want to end on one silly topic, let's, I was either going to do,

Sydney Sweeney's nude at or we go to our friend in Australia. That'll bring a smile. I'll tell you something about seeing you smile. Sydney Sweeney. Whenever they mention a name, I always smile. I'm not at the crying stage yet. I'm still at the smiling era with her. All I can say about Sydney Sweeney is when ugly fat women get naked,

it's brave and feminist. And when a pretty woman gets naked, it's offensive. And it sets women back. I have had this argument with my wife. about Lena Dunham, who is the classic case of this. And my wife, like men hate Lena. I don't hate Lena Dunham. I think she made some good shows that people really have liked.

But she didn't need to get naked in all of them. And if she did need to get naked, she didn't need to be called brave. I did. I need to be called brave. Look, same with if I get naked. It's not brave for me to get naked. Anyone watching me is the brave person who doesn't turn away. anyone who keeps eye contact with me during the whole thing,

they're the ones that deserve the medal. I don't want a medal, I'm naked. Like that man who's turky chest. What's that? Yeah. Like the old bike who liked traveling to Thailand. Where's he said it in? I only lived there for three months,

but it was a necessary thing. Then I moved in with Andrew. You remember Andrew, but I was living fucking hard. I had to do that and practice tap dancing on the concrete outside the shed. Well, I lived a fucking colorful life. I haven't put that story in my biography. It's going in tomorrow.

Yeah. The shed by and the old gay fella. I want you to take us out with Australian broadcaster, Kyle Sandlands, who Jim and I both know. Oh, we love Carl Sanderlands. Come on, Kyle. Get in, son. Love watching Kyle. He's just, he is what he is.

That's, there's not enough characters in this world. Kyle had his thoughts about cocaine. Carl is a multi-millionaire that you feel for. I love the bloke. Watch Kyle's views and I wanted to take the podcast out on a yes or no from you here. Jim, this is Carl Sandlands on cocaine. Okay. Now, what I think they should do with the cocaine is this.

Stop trying to stop people snorting coke. Put the fucking cocaine for sale at Chemist Warehouse. So it's pure, it's a full gram. Who cares if someone's blasted some lines? It's dangerous when criminals are in charge. It's very dangerous with what they're cutting it with. If you really cared about people's lives, you would decriminalize it. And I reckon people wouldn't probably slow down dying.

I agree with this 100%. In fact, I had just given a bit of a rant to my son. Because, okay, so Cindy Crawford's son died whilst in a rehab senator. You know about this, right? Yes, I'm sorry. Okay, so 27 years old dies in a rehab facility overdoses, right? Now, I don't know if it's fentanyl, but they just found out that Hayden Pantiera, she was fentanyl in some dodgy oxy cottons or something like that.

This fentanyl stuff is fucking killing people. And it's very hard for me as a father who has openly talked on stage and on podcasts about taking cocaine in the past. I haven't taken cocaine in a very long time. But it's very hard for me as a father to go to my son. Oh, don't take that stuff. You know, you'd be an idiot like that. But it's different now.

This fentanyl stuff is fucking killing people, right? And I know people who have personally died. I know people who are friends of friends who have died. I know the comedians whose sons have died, right? Like, fuck me. We have to do something. Or we have to ban fucking fentanyl because if this stuff is, and I know they can probably make it now,

how can you ban something that they can synthetically make or what have you? If this stuff is good for cancer patients, we've had cancer for fun but it's killing all these other people but the reason fentanyl's here is the Chinese are using it as a weapon against America, Australia and Canada

and whatnot because we did the opium wars against them and the Chinese have a long memory we got them addicted to opium and fucked up their societies and now they ship in a lot of the fentanyl to us and they say remember remember that this is what you did to us these dog drug dealers who are

cutting coke with fentanyl and it's like and it used to be like You used to do a joke about like pill testers. You have a friend do it first. And, you know, so everyone at the party is doing cocaine and no one has died, then surely I'll be okay. You just get the wrong little bit of the bag. It takes a grain of salt of fentanyl up your, a grain, a grain of fentanyl up your nose and you're fucking dead, right? Yes.

So I do believe, yes, we should legalize cocaine. I'll tell you what, you're not going to stop people from taking it. People are still going to take the risk, you know. It seems very enforced in Australia. I haven't seen much of it in my time there ever. I don't know. Would there be much of a demand for cocaine? I don't know if people are into it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, look, they've tried to price people out of it. It hasn't fucking worked. It's about $350 a gram in Australia, I've been told. It's about $250 American dollars a gram, right? So what would that be worth to the stock exchange if Chemis Warehouse or a CVS had it legally available? Okay, so if they had it legally available and they took it down to legal prices and they let's say they made it 150 bucks a gram and that's with taxing it 50% right? And also we're not going to give you fucking Colombian fucking rip your face off.

We're going to tap it down a little bit, right? Yeah. Do you think it would be like marijuana? The stuff that you're buying for $350, have it work as. good as that. Not like the best stuff from Columbia you've ever had, right? Well, do you think it would be like weed where you would need it start off where it's like medical? Like you have like a, you know, a Freudian psychoanist that gives it to you for. I think they did a few moves in Australia where they had shooting galleries and they brought them in in the late 90s or early 2000s and it cleaned up the cross. Like I remember a time in

Kings Cross where there were literally needles in alleyways and stuff like just everywhere. Needles everywhere. I never, I never understand the safe inject. action site rooms like they're doing in Vancouver because if there's one thing that I know about heroin addicts is they're not that much into delayed gratification. I very much struggle to think of getting the gear and going, I'll wait 30 minutes until I get into this room. No, no, no, no. People do it in the rooms. The rooms are full and I'm not a big advocate for religion, but they'll have someone in there of a religious mind who can talk to you. They'll also have someone there who can resuscitate you, bring you back if you overdose and they will give you clean needles. And

That is more not for the junkie who is just still enjoying it somewhat. This is for the person who's trying just to get their life back together. I think I prefer the Taliban's approach. Do you know the Taliban's approach? They're stoning? No, they take, they go around in bands. It's like, do you want to come and get stoned? Because you know, they got a big opium problem, right?

They have people go around. Is where all the opium comes from here. Yeah, they have, you know, we fought very hard to protect those poppy fields for the heroin trade. So anyway, that's a podcast for another day. but they grab, they go around and they grab the junkies and put them in vans and then they put them in padded cells and just give them water

and, and forcibly make them kick it. I've said this about, okay, so I've had cigarettes about alcohol. The two things that I've been addicted to. That's right. I'm pro-Taliban.

The other things that I have taken, I don't believe I've ever been an addict, but I was definitely an alcoholic. And once I, me, breaking up with alcohol was like breaking up with a bad girlfriend. It took a few goes. Took a few goes. I tried and then went back. Tried and went back. Try it and went back. And then there's always that moment in a relationship where the veil is taken off and you're like, oh, this person's a

piece of shit. Why did I give a fuck about that? And then you're free. You're free completely. And so when I gave up booze, there was a moment where I said, I don't want to have a drink again. I don't want this. I don't miss this. I don't need this. And that's why AA didn't work for me. IA didn't work because it's a constant reminder where you go back to it and you talk about your addiction every day and you talk about your struggles. I don't struggle with being sober at all. I don't miss alcohol in any way. I couldn't think of anything worse to do with my time than to get drunk. That is very interesting that people have to.

I'm sorry. I wasted. I can't believe I wasted so many years of my life being drunk like a fucking idiot. the career opportunities that I never even know would have happened. That someone just, oh, he's an alcohol. Yeah, but what about the, but what about like the, at the same time, that that kind of played well for you, didn't it? Because people enjoyed you being a drunk.

I used the tools I had, right? I used the environment that I was living in to display myself on stage, right? What if you were sober, you might still be at the car phone warehouse. That's exactly right, right? So maybe it worked out for me, maybe it didn't. But there was definitely an era of my life. where it wasn't funny anymore, where it wasn't cute anymore for me to be drunk on stage.

Me being drunk on stage wasn't an adorable thing that, oh, look, he's wasted. We get wasted too. When I was drunk in the early years, the whole audience was drunk. We were all drunk. The entire room was fucking hammered at my gigs. You know, by the time I was touring with you,

you were such a bad drinker. I was so disappointed because everyone had told me, oh, Jim's, you know, he's a boy, you wild drinker. And your body had given up, even being able to remotely, synthesize it with the liver. You would smell vodka and be like this. What are you fucking...

Yeah, my body... My body couldn't take alcohol anymore. I had had all my drinks. I had all of them. I'd had all the drinks. So, so you only get to drink so many drinks in your life and I used them all up really quickly. But cocaine at Chemis Warehouse and CVS, you're walking past.

You've got a bag of... Girideli. Part of the reason is when you met me, I was a great drinker when I was on cocaine, but by I'd by the time I met you, I'd all but kicked cocaine. I wasn't, I wasn't, I was doing cocaine on very rare, rare occasions. And so when I got rid of that, the alcoholism got worse. I do not miss that there was one line of cocaine.

After I quit cocaine for good, there was one line I took five years later. And as soon as it went to my body, I went, don't like this. Don't want this fucking feeling ever again. This whole, this fucking, who wants that fucking guy around? that. No, I... See, I'm of the belief that cocaine, see, I think it's way too ubiquitous in Australia and I think I saw it with

a bunch of scandals that have been happening of late where people use it way too much and it's not exactly conducive to making the best decisions as a young man. I said this before. I like weed now because weed keeps my marriage together. Weed make sure I don't say anything stupid. Weed doesn't get me unemployed

and weed makes me go back to my hotel room and just watch TV. Right? That's the drug for me. Maybe not for everybody. Maybe not for everybody. And there'll be other people that go, well, then you're not sober. Then you're California sober. I think amphetamines are to be saved for when you're trying to take over Russia.

Yes. And you need some reason to make soldiers sign up. And I think getting some pervertin is right up there. If I have a surgery or something like that and you give me painkillers, I will take them all. But I won't get an extra prescription. Once they're all done, they're done. Because I know that you can get addicted to those things, they're enjoyable as well. What about as a midpoint, we just let cocaine back?

I'm not going to sanctimonious and say, but I just want to reiterate, I don't, I don't, I don't struggle with sobriety. I don't struggle with it. I don't struggle with it. You've known me for the last six years since I've been so. Yeah, but you're a person who wants to lose weight and then you go, food doesn't exist. So I imagine you do the same thing with booze. You don't really struggle with it. It's not even, I look at people drinking.

I look at drunk people. I was just watching 90 day fiancee and there's a girl on there who's clearly an alcoholic and she just fucking gets leathered all the time and she starts making out with guys in bars. on the front of her husband. And she's like, well, I gotta have a drink. I'm just having fun like that, right? And then I think back,

I'm like, oh my God, how horrible. I also think the amount of times alcohol's got me laid, right, the amount of people, you know,

the Dutch courage to be able to talk to a girl, lots of stuff. But then I also think, imagine the quality women that didn't date me because I was just a fucking sloppy hunk of shit.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like I have money in success. Insult to your current wife. Imagine if I was so much, no, no, no, no, my wife hardly drink. Look, from the moment I met my wife, I knew, this is marriage material. I knew it right away. I knew it right away.

I knew this is a good person for me in my life. I knew that too, sadly. I was devastated because I knew I'd be forced out of the house. You thought you were going to marry me as well. I thought I might have a few more years living in your pool house. And on that note, that is what's happening at this moment. Jim, anything else that you'd like to? No, I've had a wonderful day.

Thank you. That was a nice time. Bye now. Bye, bye, bye. Good night, Australia.