I Will Teach You To Be Rich - 1. “My husband doesn’t trust me to run our business”

Episode Date: August 4, 2021

Alyssa and Ilan have been in a relationship since 2007 and are now married. They both lost their jobs during the pandemic, but acting on their feet, launched a highly successful baklava business which is now paying their income. In theory, Alyssa runs their business day to day, but in practice, Ilan won’t let her. He considers himself an entrepreneur and believes that “Alyssa thinks inside the box...she is not an entrepreneur.” Notice the communication between Alyssa and Ilan. How do they talk to each other? How do they talk *about* each other? As the episode goes on, I find more and more clues about what’s really driving the conflict in their relationship. Connect with Ramit Website Instagram Twitter Facebook YouTube Linkedin Produced by Crate Media.

I tell her you know what's going to put yourself in my shoes sometimes I'm defending it too big for her. That it's too... The shoes are too big for her. On today's episode I'm going to be working with Alissa and Ilan about a money problem that they have. But as I get deeper into the discussion with them, I realize it's not really about money. It's the communication between the two of them that is the real

problem. Imagine your husband talking about you like this. Alisa nature inside the box and my nature is to think outside the box. Are you kidding me? Who talks about their wife like that? Especially when you and your wife are supposed to be running a business together. I'm an entrepreneur. She's not an entrepreneur. She is an employee. This is the I will teach you to be rich podcast and I'm your host, Ramit Saiti. Now, I've always been fascinated with money and psychology. I remember writing about money while I was a student at Stanford studying technology

and psychology there, and absolutely loving talking to my friends about money. So many of us claim that certain things are important to us and yet our behavior doesn't actually match up to it. Think about it. There's money. Yeah, I know I should save more. There's flossing. Yeah, I know I should floss more. There's calling our parents or going to the gym. There's so many things in our lives that are genuinely important to us. And yet we find it really difficult to do. And I know what this like, growing up, I would joke that I was just a skinny Indian guy. I would look around and I would see a bunch of people who looked really fit. They seemed to stay fit and put on muscle effortlessly. And I just felt like I was on the outside.

Like everybody had read a book about getting fit. And I was absent that day at school. It took me many years, lots of getting help and hiring trainers and reading books to finally figure out what other people seem to effortlessly know. And I think a lot of us feel like that about money.. We were absent the day that everyone else seemed to learn it. I'm fascinated with money psychology. I'm also fascinated with how it plays out in relationships. Part of this is inspired by my own relationship. When I was dating my now wife and we got married,

we went through a lot of difficult conversations to be able to get on the same page about money. And so I started talking to other couples. I talked to friends, I talked to readers, and you will not believe some of the stories that I heard. We have couples that have vastly different spending styles. Couples where one person earns a hundred times what the other does.

And in almost every couple, they grew up with totally different philosophies on money. And I thought to myself, when was the last time any of us had the chance to listen to a real couple sharing real stories about their money problems? And a conversation where they actually shared real numbers also. And the answer is never. Most of us have these conversations, sometimes

fights with our partner, but we never get the chance to sit in a room like a fly on the wall and listen to other couples talk about their money problems. Well, that's what I wanted to bring you on this podcast in the hopes that it can inspire you and maybe help you with your money psychology as well. Alissa and Elan are like so many of the couples that I'll speak to on this podcast. They come to me for a very specific money problem, usually a really specific type of fight that they've been having constantly. But as I asked them questions and unpeel the layers of their relationship, together we'll discover that it's really not about the financial question they originally came with. There's almost always much deeper

issues. Now, Alissa and Elon have been in a relationship since 2007. They're now married and they're co-founders of a bock-love-ah company. The business is doing well, really well, except for one thing, they just can't seem to agree on almost anything. Now that's where I come in. I've got a couple ideas, but first I need to ask them some questions to figure out what's really going on. It wasn't really a discussion.

It was just like, he's gonna do it. But I also don't feel comfortable with you just doing whatever you want with it. Since we're in a relationship together and for our finances are shared, I was scared. I got in a fearful mindset. I was a trade he would lose our money,

make a mistake for some money, even though all he wants is to make as much money as possible. You're listening to I Will Teach You to Be Rich. I'll listen any law and are struggling to see eye to eye. They both lost their jobs as a result of the pandemic. Luckily, we both are entrepreneurial and I started babysitting Elon, tried a horrible job roofing.

We don't speak about that. I mean, we weren't gonna think. So I started selling gay goods on Facebook and Elon saw that I was getting really busy and sad. There could be a business opportunity as I let make my famous buckle of us and the sales exploded. A lot of us believe that one magical day when we have a million dollars or a successful business, all of our financial problems will vanish. successful business, all of our financial problems will vanish. Guess what?

That never, ever happens. In fact, if you won a million dollars tomorrow, would you know exactly how to spend it? Would you know how to change your money attitudes when they just magically transform overnight? Of course not. These are skills that we learn over time. Now, Alyssa and Elon are quickly realizing

that they don't have those skills, and with this new business, it's starting to cause serious issues. I'm doing the Bocbava now. He was still helping, but I was getting, I had way too much on my shoulders. I couldn't manage it.

We bake it, and then I go to the farmer's market. I start off a canopy. We call over every single person. We offer them samples. It's super interactive and tiring way of working. Then you tear down at the end of the day and do it all over again. So I felt like I couldn't handle this level of work. And I also was having a hard time that he was putting so much time into the crypto. Wait a second. What's this about crypto? He said, I'm going to do the cryptocurrency thing and it wasn't really a discussion. It was just like he's going to do it. But I also don't feel comfortable with just you just doing whatever you want with it. Since we're in a relationship together and financially,

for our finances are shared, I was scared. I got in a fearful mindset. I was afraid he would lose our money. Makes that a mistake for some money. Even though all he wants is to make as much money as possible. Okay, did you catch all those red flags? No discussion. Don't feel comfortable. Scared he would lose our money. These are all clues.

I'm listening to, I'm hearing them, and I'm filing them away because I suspect these are clues that give us a hint as to what's really going on. All right, let's keep going. There were times when he was supposed to do a market and some exciting thing happened on the crypto. It's an opportunity to make a bunch of money and he just didn't go to the market. And for me, because the markets are so important to me because it's a new business that I really care about. I just felt like, how can I rely on him?

He's just doing the crypto. He's not, he doesn't care about, this is my experience. I felt let down. Elon's top priority is making money and a story. If he sees something that can make more money, he's gonna go for it. So, we don't see eye to eye because I see the talk of a business as a little baby that

we're growing and I care about it and I care about our image and our reputation and about fulfilling our commitment. Okay, on a scale of 1 to 10, how sure are you that that's exactly what he's gonna say? Nine. What surprised you about what Alyssa just said? Nothing much. I know her reaction and how she, she thinks in a certain way, okay?

And Alyssa's nature, let's say inside the box and my nature is to think outside the box. So when you think outside the box, you find a solution for inside the box. That's my last experience. Okay, this is Red Flag Central. My alarm bells are ringing. I mean, can you believe Elon is talking to me about his wife as if she isn't even there? Now what I wanted to do was to get back on track and talk about their business. The startup was the idea of how to create a product that we don't have to basically work for so many hours. So I came up with a solution of how to sell a good product that has a nice markup. And then basically we don't have to work as hard.

So once we give that and we stabilized it together, by the way. The difference between us is that I'm an entrepreneur from a very young age and most of her life, she's not an entrepreneur, she is an employee. So I know more how to think of an entrepreneur and how to grow awareness and how to invent and again one investment is going to another one. And I'm not afraid to do that because my life experience taught me that when you make a mistake, a good mistake because you learn from it and then you learn basically how to make a profit,

how to not make that mistake. Same goes with profit. So you're not going to make, or you're going to lose at the beginning, but it's going to teach you in the future, how to not make that mistake again and then make a profit. Let me just jump in here for a second and remind you who Elon is lecturing. I've started multiple businesses, I've employed lots and lots of people, I run a business that reaches over a million readers a month, I mean I appreciate the business lecture, but I didn't really come here to be lectured to by Elon. And if he's being like this with me, I hate to think what he does when he's communicating with Alyssa.

For her to understand it, it was very hard, and we had a lot of collision and a lot of fights. So my motto is basically to dare and to endure. Basically, dare and you conquer. Because if you don't dare and you stay basically in that safe place, you're not going to get any. I have a real problem in my life. It's called Indian Antiface. Now, if you've ever talked to an Indian auntie, and you've said something that she doesn't like, for example, that you love to drink, or you don't care if you get a C- in school,

she will be physically unable to contain the look of judgement and disgust on her face. Unfortunately, I have this problem too. So right now, as I'm being lectured to by Elon about dreaming to dare, my face looks like I just ate a combination of three onions and a glass of lemon juice. I really need to change this subject right now. How big of an issue do you think that this what we are talking about is on a scale of 1 to 10. Oh wow, I would say even 8, 9 sometimes even 10. Wow, okay. Alyssa, what about you?

1 to 10. And 8, I put it in. Okay, so you're both pretty aligned that this is a real and serious issue. Yeah, but the thing is, she, when she asked me to see I to I, I find a way to see it. But when I tell her, you know what, when she puts yourself in my shoes, sometimes I understand it is too big for her.

That it's too... The shoes are too big for her. This was honestly really hard to listen to. It was hard for me, and I'm new to this relationship. I can only imagine how difficult it is for Alyssa to have to listen to these kinds of comments. It's clear that there's not a mutual respect in this relationship for each other. So let's recap. Elisa believes that the problem is really about Elon being reckless and inconsiderate.

Elon believes this is about Elisa not being cut out for entrepreneurship. I think it's deeper than that. What do you think is going on? I have a suspicion, but let's listen a little bit more to see if I'm right. So Elon, what about the fact that you were gonna go to show up and sell the Baklava and then you decided not to go to that market. Okay, so the thing is that the market was fair, the market with the crypto was very busy and I saw an opportunity. And what do you think Alyssa was thinking when she expected you to go there and you didn't? Well, she was experimenting to the point. Why? Because she's thinking that I'm neglecting

the business. But the way that I see is to create a cash flow. So I know that if I'm going to lose a day of work over here, and I can do triple or four times the amount of working in my computer, then I want to work in my computer, then I want to work in my computer. Because eventually we have a common goal. When I have a vision, and sometimes it's a big vision, I know it makes her scared, she gets a break. Yeah, it makes me nervous.

Tell me more. Well, I never imagined having such a big life. I grew up in a family that had enough money to travel to Xperia and I went to college and I always had everything I needed. And so I never thought that I need more and he won't drop in a poor home and really suffered and he doesn't ever want his kids to live like he did. And he's just, he has a big personality and big dreams and that's okay. And I'm getting more.

Just take on yourself. I want to know more about you. Okay. One thing I noticed is that you both love to talk about what the other person does and things wants. And you actually don't talk about yourself at all. Have you noticed that? Yeah, I know that you mentioned it.

Yeah. And I would say that maybe 80% of the time you're right, but 20% of the time you're way off. And both of you believe that you know the other person better than you actually do. Right. Okay, so stay on yourself. You grew up, you had a fine life. You never imagined that you would what?

I never imagined having an extravagant life. I always imagined just having basic stuff and for me basic means a decent home and a decent car, you know, like a nice thought, like a 1,600 square foot house. It's just not until recently that I started thinking, oh, you know, it would be nice to have more and it would be nice to not work as hard, because I'm working, I'm giving everything I have right now. Yeah.

What happened to make you start to slightly change your thinking? Well, it was a combination of Elon and not to stroke your ego, but I read all your stuff and taking your course on wealth triggers, which is like blowing my mind. Sometimes when you hear something from your partner, it's harder to receive it, but when you hear it from your partner, plus someone else who knows what they're talking about, you start thinking, maybe I can want that. I think I would never felt comfortable to want in my life. Before getting authentic here, I grew up you know with

alcoholic father who kind of his needs were always the most important needs of the family. And we had to kind of work around what he wanted. And he's always been in recovery, but it doesn't change what happens in the mind. Yes, now we're really getting somewhere. First of all, I want to acknowledge how much courage it took for Alyssa to share that personal information with us. And I feel really honored that she felt safe and she felt comfortable enough to share that right here. I also want to point out that it's okay to want more. Yes, you have my permission.

Wanting a life of more is one of the classic tenets of I will teach you to be rich. So I'm thrilled to hear that Alyssa has realized she wants more. But even though we just made that big realization, there's still more to unpack here. We're talking about rewriting years and years of conditioning, conditioning that told Alyssa that she should just be happy with what she's got. You can't change that mindset overnight just by flipping a switch.

I grew up accepting what came to me. I think that's where it really comes down to. So it wasn't until recently that I said, you know what? I'm allowed to want, but then it's another step to be like, how do I want? We're starting to really understand Alissa on a much deeper level. I was curious what Elon thought of hearing this. Kieland, have you ever heard Alyssa talk about this? No. Refreshing.

Because I know every time you are afraid of doing something, getting out of your comfort zone, it comes from something in the past, something that you were seeing before. Okay, but tell me about how you feel hearing this, not how other people feel. Tell me about how you feel hearing your wife, just share things she's never shared before. That made me feel really, really good. Oh, well, I'm happy.

Yeah. I don't understand why it made you feel good, though. Because right now, finally, we understood who that were each coming from. Honestly, that's amazing to watch this happen. I can tell that both of you love each other. You know, there's a lot of respect in the way that even your body language is and you're both game to come here and speak to each other in a way that I can tell you haven't before. Alissa, there's so many things that you just shared with both of us that are crying out to be explored.

But Elon, if you're hearing these things from your wife, are there any things that make you curious or surprised? I would like to know what are you so straight up? What, where is the fear coming from? Because everything that I endured in my life, it was because of fear. In fear, it's not something you are born with only two fears. Fear of falling and fear of sudden sound. All right, guys, this is where I did something that I wish I had. I got so irritated with yet another one

of Elon's lectures, especially after Alissa was so open and honest with both of us, that I got so irritated I just cut him off. And I wish I hadn't done this. I don't think it was professional, but I wanted to keep it in the episode so you know exactly what happened. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Elon, it's funny, but do you see why maybe she finds it difficult to be open because the minute that she is, what is she typically received from?

A lecture. Yeah. Try it again. And this time, get curious about your own life partner who just revealed something you've never heard. Do you maybe want to dig in and ask her a question? What would you like me to do better so you won't be so afraid of my good. What do I want you to do? What do I need from you so that I can allow you to reach your goals? Is that the question? Yeah, how can I make it more convenient for you?

more comfortable, more comfortable with your goal. I ask Elon, ask a question. Elon's question is how can I help you achieve my goals better? I know. I know. How about your goals? I know. And then, Alyssa, you accepted his question. You were about to indulge his fantasy about his goals. We're talking about your alcoholic dad

and now it's his goals. Where did this come from? You're right. I was thinking about my goals. I'm so focused on my goals. Sometimes I'm blinded about other persons' needs. on their personal needs. Now remember that Elon and Alyssa originally came to me wanting business advice about Baklava, but we've discovered that the real issue is so much deeper.

Think about your own life. Do you have a certain thing that you and your partner constantly disagree about, maybe even fight about? It might be who loads the dishwasher, or one of you spends too much on clothes, but if you go five levels deeper, if you really treat it like a scientist, like an investigator,

trying to find out what's going on, what do you think the real issue is? Well the problem here is simple. Communication. But Elon won't listen to Elissa long enough to learn what's really going on. Recently on the show you heard me speak to Jennifer and Andrew. They were struggling to pay off their credit card debt and they had a bunch of subscriptions that they didn't even know about. Look, if you love having all these subscriptions and you can afford it, I'm all for it. But a lot of times when people actually see all the subscriptions they've signed up for months or years ago, they realize they need to make a change because they could redirect where that money is going much more towards their rich life. If you are wondering where all your money is going, I want you to check out this episode's sponsor RocketMoney.

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One, when I post a picture eating Mexican food in the LA, and 7,500 people helpfully tell me that their favorite hot sauce is topatillo. And second, is getting spam calls or spam texts on my phone. I mean, how many times a day do you get a call from some unknown number? Or better yet, a text from XF354Z telling you that there's a problem with your electric bill. I'm busy, I want to focus on my day, I do not want to deal with spam phone calls. That's why I want to let you know about this episode's sponsor, NOMO Robo Max. Every single unwanted call is stopped dead in its tracks. Calls from people you know, still get through, just like normal.

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Melissa, Elon's having a tough time asking a curiosity-based question. So as his partner, help him out. What question do you think he might ask that would allow you to open up a little bit more and to talk more about the stuff you just shared? How can I support you on that journey? I will ask you more often. What can I do? Will you ask me now? What can I do to make you more curious or make you more enthusiastic about the goals that I'm thinking? Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, No! Elon your English is fantastic. The problem is not English. I would like you to ask me Okay How can I support you in your journey on learning how to want? Oh, okay. So how can I support you when your journey is how to want?

Well, I can tell you how. Okay. I would like to have your support for me to make more decisions based around our box of a business because I am not going to sabotage our business. I'm going to make sure that we maintain a great profit and a great markup, but I have a lot of experience and I want a better future for us. And I know I trust my decision-making in the business, but I need to have your support to let me explore what I can do with it. Because right now I don't feel supported in making little changes like branding the boxes and making banners and making decisions.

Oh, oh, so finally we got to something that we had in our time. I agree completely with what's said, okay? I want you to bear more because only in the business, not only doing the same thing constantly all over and over again. It's not like being in a employee, you always have to reinvent and be using imagination to make the business better.

No, Elon, you had it. We just got to the point where you were actually able to ask Alyssa a real question about herself. That was fantastic. The two of you agreed that you both want Alyssa to have more control over the Boclava business. Amazing. And then you followed up with another Elon Ted talk.

Okay. What is it that you want to do that you feel that I'm describing you? Well, I want you to trust me and making decisions with our business because I make really good decisions. So I trust you, okay. You need to do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. And when I will see the results that are very good, it won't even make a cat.

So I would like you to do what you think that is right. Did you understand the part where I explained my decision-making process? What do you mean with teaching? Well, I make good decisions because of my education and life experience and my thoughtfulness to everybody's needs. Elon, that was the first time today I've heard you ask a legitimate question to her. You said, what do you mean? You just said that.

And I had a huge smile on my face as you said that. And you two actually connected. You were legitimately cured. No, what do you mean decision making process? What do you mean? That's a great question. And Alyssa, I could hear it in your voice. What did you feel when you heard that question from Elon?

I felt so poor. And that to me was the best moment so far. That was hard to get to. And honestly, it seems so simple, doesn't it? The fact that you said, what do you mean, decision making? What's the big deal? But that was, imagine you're climbing up a hill. You just made it to the first peak of the mountain.

OK, so this is fantastic. This agreement that they've made is a major breakthrough, but right now it's just words. What I want to do is practice something I call failure expectation. This is basically expecting to fail, trying to break the agreement right now while we're in this safe space, to predict what might go wrong and practice so that we're prepared for what can happen in the future. I'm gonna try to run them through an actual disagreement they've had, and let's watch how they handle it.

You can both be successful as business partners. You can, I believe that. I can see glimmers of it, but you can't do it the way you've been doing it. Because you look down on each other, you scoff at each other, you don't respect each other for the mutual skill set that you bring.

So you have a couple of options. One, you can stop partnering up in business. That is probably the cleanest and most obvious solution. That's what I'm trying to achieve. Okay. Partner. Yeah. Hold on, okay. Okay, we'll talk. Okay. Okay.

Okay. We'll talk about that. So go ahead. Tell him. It seems like that was a surprise to Elon. No. Basically what I saw is everybody. Each one of us is going to have a part.

And he's going to have to do this part. Okay. And that's what I said at the beginning. When she struggles with her part. Then things start to get complicated. Okay, and that's what I said at the beginning, when she struggles with her part, then things started to get complicated. And what about when you struggle with your part? I barely do.

Really? You didn't show up to the market, that's struggling. No, okay. My part of the reason is the background on purchasing and making mixes. I'm helping as much as I can, but what I do also takes so much energy for me, that managing both of the world is like sometimes it can come to a point that you can just collapse too much. So earlier you said that there's crypto and there's box about and we each do our part in each, but the truth is I have no part in the crypto. What's no effort?

Okay. And it takes up almost all of your time, morning and night. That's when I propose to hire someone to help in the kitchen that it can relieve, it would be good for everybody to have someone help me in the kitchen because it's a weight off of your shoulders. So by me wanting to take over the bus of it because I want to practice developing something on my own, being more daring, trusting myself, and it also allows you to focus on what you want to do. I think our relationship would be healthier and our business would be healthier,

but I would never say that it's not your business. We're in it together, we created it together. It's your business, but it's the thing. In my opinion, a better way to accomplish our bold and move forward in the future. Because right now we're just bouncing things back and forth and not going anywhere. That's not addressing what I want in need,

which is as we discussed as a big issue. Uh-huh. I need more help. OK, for this matter, Ms. Nira, made a robust share of these things. So when she came up with this idea and I told her no problem. She wants to take a professional, from this her pace to check, and I'm not winning.

But if you can bring someone who is not a professional chef, the kitchen has helped you with the preparation, I don't have a problem with that. So, we... It will be a great excited and it will be a cheaper manpower. I understand, Elon, and we discussed that and I agreed not to hire that particular person. However, I would like to hire someone else and pay them less than her professional fee. I used to. Okay. So, okay, so I I had a problem with that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up. Elon has already told Alissa that this is fine. Up until now, he's been the main focus of my energy on this episode. But it sounds like maybe that hasn't been completely fair. You know, you've heard that phrase communication is a two way street. And if Alyssa and Elon are having this conversation over and over, and she's not acting on the outcome, then maybe it's no wonder he's becoming frustrated.

Let's figure out what's going on here. Are you both in agreement on that? I always agree that I don't know how it's going to be a problem again. Elon and Alyssa love to talk about each other as if they know exactly what the other person is thinking. And this is common in couples, especially long-term relationships. The problem is that it's clear that they often don't know

what the other person is thinking. And that's when you get mistaken assumptions. Melissa, is that your understanding that Elon agreed to what you want to do with the chefs? We did agree, and I was nervous that you would change your mind because we had a huge fight over it before. So it's a sensitive topic, but I'm my understanding that I have your support. Okay, this is super interesting. Alyssa and Elon solved the problem and then Alyssa reset that problem back to square one.

She got the go ahead, she got an agreement with Elon, and instead of pushing forward, she buried her head in the sand and pretended that it hadn't actually happened. So we may have just uncovered a major cause of their problems. But I think the lecturing is still a bit of an issue here. Let's keep pushing forward.

But I think the lecturing is still a bit of an issue here. Let's keep pushing forward. I'm not the first person to make service. I said it's not as long as that person is not a professional person. Because first of all he's going to ask for, he's going to ask to be paid over the top. More expensive than anybody else. Double or triple, tear our. You're on the line. Lock in the the win lock in the win my man. You're you're about to go into lecture land, which nobody wants to hear. Okay, say to her, Alyssa, I love you. Yes, we agree.

I want to support you. Let's do it. Instead blah blah blah blah blah. Why? What do you get out of it? You long. So let's try that one part again. Go ahead. blah blah blah. Why? What do you get out of it? Elon? I'm out of here. So let's try that one part again. Go ahead. Whoever you need to do, just do it.

Okay? So you trust me to make decisions. Thank you. you trust me to make decisions. Thank you. It feels good to be heard. This was a special moment. Sometimes all we really need is to feel heard for someone to listen to us. And so many of us go through life without anyone really, truly listening to us. Without anyone asking us things like, what do you mean? Hey, can you tell me more about that? I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. I remember having a customer service problem with this very large company, and I wasn't treated very well by one of the employees, and I was so frustrated

that I emailed the CEO of the company and I told him, hey, I don't want to leave it negative, yelp review for you, but as a business owner, I'm guessing that you want to know how your employees are treating your prospects. He wrote me back in five minutes on email. He apologized to me. He offered to call me right away. We got on the phone. And he simply said, I'm so sorry for your experience with my company. Can you tell me what happened? So for the next 10 minutes, I vented to him

and I told him what had happened. And at the end, he apologized. He listened. And he told me he'd look into it. And one final thing he said, if you ever have the need for one of our products again, please email me directly. I felt so good. I just wanted to be listened to.

And that's exactly what Alyssa is experiencing for maybe the first time in their relationship. Now, I want to talk Alyssa because this isn't pick on Elon day. There's a couple of things that I want to talk Alyssa, because this isn't pick on Elon day. There's a couple things that I want to really focus. So it seems like Elon had initially agreed to this chef thing, but then as you pointed out, you got too nervous. And so what'd you do? It seems like you let it faster, started spinning, and then brought up the whole argument again.

Is that accurate representation of what happened? started spinning and then brought up the whole argument again. Is that accurate representation of what happened? Yes. And how do you think Elon feels when you do that? Super frustrated. Why? Well, why do I need to keep repeating myself? And I imagine that must be a little frustrating for you, Elon.

Yeah. Yes. OK. So, Alyssa, what do you think you could do differently? If Elon agrees, hey, get the less expensive chef. What should you do? Get the less expensive chef. Yeah, just go for it.

He said, I agree. So done in his mind, I think, he said, look, we talked about this like two months ago, two weeks ago, like, go, why are we talking about this again? We are stuck talking about this. Meanwhile, I want to be over here. Yeah. And so when he says, be bold, this is one example, right? Yeah. You made a decision. Let's not talk about it again. Let's go. I'm aware. I'm aware that I

haven't acted on that despite coming to an agreement. Yeah. It seems very strange to me and I think I'm afraid that he'll change his mind. And if he changes his mind, what happens? Then I have to battle my way back to it, try and win another argument, which takes so much energy. And then what happens? It's just a really long thought. I have to prove myself and you know really vouch for myself and it's just really it's the communication and hard. I think the key word there was afraid. This brings us full circle all the way back to the beginning of the episode. Do you remember what Alyssa said? She said, it makes me feel nervous to imagine having such a big life.

Alyssa's upbringing has made her so scared, so nervous to dream big, so uncomfortable around money, that it's actively paralyzing her ability to run her business. I'm really so grateful that you and Rameet are connecting because it helped me realize part of the reason why I haven't been asking because if I'm like a little bird and you're telling me how to fly. I'm really a little freaked out. I've got some great ideas.

I see some places I really, really want to check out, but I can't jump out of the nest unless I know that you've got my back. Now, if the two of them had been told at the beginning of this episode, we need to work on communication. They never would have listened. It's important to meet people where they are. They wanted to talk about Baklava and finances. Great, that's where we started. But ultimately, we will almost always peel those layers into something much, much deeper.

We will almost always peel those layers into something much, much deeper. I realized that I should be heard by that supporting you. Okay. I wanted to listen more to you. Did you catch that? Elon says he's realized he's hurt Alyssa by not supporting her and he wants to listen more to what she wants. Thank you. That's all I ever wanted. I am willing to support you on your journey because I know you know that we have a clearer vision.

I know that both of us will be considered in moving forward. Well, this last, I don't know. Alyssa and Elon have a lot of work to do, but they've tasted what it feels like to be aligned. And they've learned a few new skills today on how to talk to each other, how to ask curiosity-based questions. It's possible this is a flash in the pan and they go right back to their old patterns tomorrow. But my hope is that it can be the start of a totally new way of relating to each other about money and business and

their relationship overall. If you've enjoyed this episode please follow or subscribe to I will teach you to be rich on any podcast platform and you'll get notified each time we drop a new episode and if you've really enjoyed what you've heard so far, rate and review us too. I would love to have your rating and we're just starting out so those reviews and ratings really help. Thank you.

Here's what you'll find next week on the I Will Teach to Be Rich Podcast. It's annoying how much money do you make an hour and how much time are you spending trying to save two dollars is what makes sense. It's annoying when we money do you make an hour and how much time are you spending trying to save two dollars? This doesn't make sense It's annoying when we go up for dinner. You're like I want this thing, but I'm gonna get this thing Who's five dollars different and 150 hour bill who cares?

He's cheap. Why do you return all my gifts that I buy you because you don't want me to spend money? I don't like the gift You do you want wanna ask each other anything or share how you're feeling? No. Would your family say that you are cheap? Yes. Yeah.

What about friends? Yes. Stop, I don't think all of them. You want to know something? You're cheap. If your friends and family would say it, you are cheap. you