I Will Teach You To Be Rich - 239. "He quit his high paying job and didn’t tell me"

Episode Date: December 16, 2025

Jamie (45) and Ryan (36) have been married for nearly a decade and share three kids, but their financial foundation was shaken when Ryan quit his high-paying finance job and cashed out his 401(k) without telling Jamie. Now earning far less, they’re still spending like nothing changed, running up credit card debt and ending each month wondering where the money went. Jamie, the higher earner, is anxious about retirement and trust after years of financial surprises, while Ryan avoids money conversations and struggles with insecurity. Layered on top are a 10-year age gap, deep past trauma, and very different visions of a Rich Life. Can Ramit help them rebuild trust, create a real plan, and finally start acting like partners instead of adversaries? In this episode we uncover: • The moment Jamie learned Ryan quit his high-paying job and cashed out his 401(k) • How Ryan’s breaking point at work led to a “nuclear option” decision that shifted stress from the office straight into their marriage Why earning nearly $300K still leaves them feeling broke • The trust fallout from repeated unilateral decisions, including quitting jobs, cashing out retirement accounts, and impulsive purchases • How Ryan’s spending on shoes, clothes, and even a classic car mirrors patterns he watched growing up • Jamie’s role as the default financial manager • The vacation-vs-things blame cycle that keeps them stuck spending instead of saving • Why hiding money in a separate savings account felt like the only way Jamie could protect their future • The uncomfortable truth behind their $13K emergency fund • How calling their own spending “stupid” and “dumb” keeps them trapped in shame instead of change • The emotional toll of living in constant financial vigilance while still spending freely on convenience and comfort • How a failed $500 spending rule exposed their lack of shared systems • The powerful influence of Midwestern money guilt, family secrecy, and conflicting childhood money messages • Jamie’s past divorce and financial trauma • The shift from adversaries to collaborators Chapters: (00:00:00) “We’ll just go our separate ways” (00:18:56) Ramit breaks down their numbers (00:40:49) “Smart people can make stupid choices” (00:52:26) “Can we become a team again?” (01:02:09) “Is this a Rich Life—or just a really long to-do list?” (01:14:36) “You’ve turned dysfunction into permission” (01:28:57) “I’m bitter that I have to pay it off” (01:39:21) Where are they now? Jamie and Ryan’s follow-ups This episode is brought to you by: Gelt | Book a tax consultation with Gelt at https://joingelt.com/ramit. As a member of my community, you can skip the waitlist Trust & Will | Protect what matters most in minutes at https://trustandwill.com/ramit and get 10% off plus free shipping. Aura Frames | Use promo code RAMIT to get $35 off the best-selling Carver Mat frames at https://auraframes.com DeleteMe | If you want to get your personal information removed from the web, go to https://joindeleteme.com/ramit for 20% off Rocket Money | Cancel unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster at https://rocketmoney.com/ramit Links mentioned in this episode • If you want help with your finances, join my Money Coaching program at https://iwt.com/moneycoaching Connect with Ramit • Get my new book, Money For Couples • Get Money Coaching with Ramit • Download the Conscious Spending Plan • Listen to my book—now on Audible • Get my New York Times best-selling book • Get my no-numbers journal • Other episodes • Instagram • Twitter • YouTube If you and your partner have a money issue and you want my help, I occasionally select a couple to work with, free of charge. Apply for my help here.

When I help people think about their rich lives, the main thing I often say is get more specific. People say, I want to travel more. Okay, this is your rich life. Get more specific. Are we talking about a month-long honeymoon to Europe? Are we going to Disneyland for three days? Are we going on a trip to Bhutan? Get more specific. When you're on a vacation, who are you bringing? Where are you staying? Are you eating anything in particular? These are all examples of things that my students in my money coaching program have done as part of their rich lives. I want to share the specifics of how other people are spending their money in amazing ways and saving and investing so that you can finally get unstuck.

In the program, you get access to a monthly money call where I dive into specific different topics, like how to build your rich life, how to break down conscious spending plans, and then I answer your questions live. You also get access to the entire library of past calls, including how to spend money to create magical travel experiences, how to buy back your time, and how to find an extra $1,000 per month. We have tons of virtual events coming up every month in money coaching, and you can join right now at IWT.com slash money coaching. That's IWT.com slash money coaching to instantly become a member right now. He put his job. He cashed out his 401k. I didn't know he quit his job until I got home that

day. I think I just hit a breaking point. I felt trapped and the only alternative I had was to just leave it. This seems like not the only option. It seems like the nuclear of nuclear options. It's hard for me to trust somebody that made those big decisions when I don't even buy a new TV without asking. I feel like I try to do things responsibly and then I'm frustrated that I don't want to be the only one feeling like I'm doing these responsibilities. We desperately need more in cash as far as savings is concerned. I feel like that was his credit card debt and not my credit card debt. Oh.

So I'm bitter that I have to pay it off. I'm really nervous. I'm 36. And to think that I'm at this age in barely any retirement to speak of, it's really scary. Imagine waking up to find out that your partner made a massive financial decision without even asking you. Today I'm speaking with Jamie, who's 45, and Ryan, who's 35. They've been married for 10 years, they have three kids, but they haven't been on the same page about money since he shattered the trust in their relationship when he quit his job and cashed out his 401k without telling Jamie.

Now, from the outside, they live a very nice life in the Midwest. They have a high income, but as you'll soon hear, this breach of trust has rippled throughout their relationship, leaving them frustrated and even contemplating divorce at times. I'm about to look at their conscious spending plan, which breaks down their income, net worth, and where they spend their money. But first, I want to hear from you. In the comments, tell me about a time where you weren't sure you could trust your partner about money. What happened? How did it make you feel?

And how did you handle it? And please be specific. I want to know the details and I read every one of these comments below. Now, let's take a look at the numbers. Assets, $695,000. Investments, $670,000. Savings, $13,000. Debt, $345,000. Net worth, just over $1 million. Technically, they are millionaires. But as you will soon hear, unsurprisingly, they don't feel like it. In today's conversation, we're going to find out if they can rebuild the financial trust in their relationship. Let's find out. Jamie, in your application, you wrote something that really caught my eye. You wrote, We make almost $300,000 a year, yet still run out of money at the end of the month. Neither of us knows where it went.

We need help connecting so that our money talks stop ending in arguing, divorce threats, and nothing ever changing. Jamie, is that an accurate representation of why you are here? Yeah, I think when I submitted the application, we had just gotten into a disagreement about something. and it seems like that happens where we can't get on the same page. He's like, I'll just go my way and you just go your way and then it'll be easier. And that's awful.

I mean, I hate feeling that way. Like, we love each other. Ryan's a great guy. I would never actually want to get a divorce. But in the heat of that moment, you just feel like, what are we doing with ourselves? How long have these money arguments been going on? Probably since Ryan left his job two years ago to start a new career. Prior to that, we just kind of lived our lives and didn't have to worry about it.

And that was a big shift. Okay. Ryan, when you hear Jamie describe the way that you both talk about money and she says, we need help connecting. So our money talks stop ending in divorce threats. How do you react to that? It's upsetting. It's really hard to hear. And that's exactly why I'm here. I left the career that I had been in and done well in for quite a while. And that threw my retirement off track. So I'm really nervous. I'm 36. And to think that I'm at this age in barely any retirement to speak of, it's really scary. So I'd like to get that back on track and know I have a system in place to hit a goal versus not having anything. How often would you say that you talk about money now?

Very seldom. The only time we talk about it is when we notice something going on with the account where it's low and then we're stressed. Would you agree with Jamie that before you left your job, you almost never talked about money. Oh, absolutely. We could go out to eat whenever we wanted. We just didn't have a worry. And when you do talk about money now, Jamie, what are those conversations? I think the conversations happen the most when Ryan will buy something.

And I feel like we shouldn't have bought that because if we know we owe X, Y, or Z, why are we spending our money on whatever that thing was? And I get it. Like, he works hard. He makes money. I shouldn't tell him how to spend this money. But then I get frustrated because then I feel like, well, then if you bought something that I can't buy something because we both can't be spending the money.

And then that's how it kind of snowballed years ago into where we owed a lot of money because I finally was like, screw it. I'm just going to buy what I want to. And next thing we knew, you know, it had gotten into more death than we intended to get upon to. Let's take an example from the last three, four, six months. What was a time where you were not on the same page with money? Buying a pair of shoes recently. I bought two pairs.

one pair to work out in, and then another pair I could wear to work with the money that we have in the account. Probably not a great idea to spend that on a couple pairs of shoes. I felt like it was reasonable. Jamie was just frustrated given that I spent that amount on those shoes. And I made a comment, but Ryan had spent much money on stuff. And I was like, you just spent like half your paycheck. And in my head, I'm thinking, and you put $0 in your retirement account. Like, how much stuff do you need versus like what we already have? I know that the issue is not really about the shoes. It's not about the stuff. I feel like I try to do things responsibly, and then I'm frustrated that I don't want to

be the only one feeling like I'm doing these responsibly. And I get worked up about it, and then I'm like, this is dumb. You shouldn't get worked up about this. Just let it go. And so I feel like that's how it ends. Jamie, how often do you find yourself taking the, quote, leadership role with money in the family? Probably 95% of the time. What do you think is behind that?

Probably some frustration. He says that the reason why he spent $2.20 is because I want to go on vacation. too much. And so then it goes, you spend all our money on vacation and then I say you spend our money on the things we don't need. And then that's how we go back and forth in this dynamic. And that's always what it comes down to. It's always, if we wouldn't have gone on vacation, we would have had the money for the stuff. And if we didn't buy the stuff, then we'd have the money for the vacation. And then it just spins around in a circle. You like it? Oh, no, I hate it. I don't know that I believe you. You do it a lot. Both of you. What do you like about that dynamic?

I think that I want what I want and who wants what he wants. And neither one of of us are willing to give up. Either part of that. Maybe. You're the one who brings up money, right? Yeah. Do you like that role? No, but somebody has to do it. Ah. If somebody has to do, why not Ryan? Because I don't think that he would. Do you trust each other with money? More yes than no, but lack of trust on my end. What? Is that a yes or a no? That's a no. All right, Jamie? I did at one point and I think I don't now. You wrote in your application, Jamie. I have lost trust in Ryan in regards to money because he made major decisions without me. What major decisions? He put his job. He cashed out his 401k. And I didn't know he quit

his job until I got home that day. Ryan quit his job without telling you? Yes. What happened? Ryan had worked at a bank for almost 10 years. And when COVID hit, he was allowed to come home and work from home. He never loved this job, and I knew that he did not love this job. But when he got to work from home, it was pretty convenient to be able to not have to drive an hour and a half every day back and forth to work. So his commute was gone. He heard that the threat was coming back, that he was going to have to go back into the office. And he ruminated on that and realized, like, I don't want to go back to doing that and quit. Because he had talked about quitting his job many times, but never had actually made the junk to not do with anyone. And what did you feel

at the moment where he told you that? I have quit my job. Panic. knowing what I know about how we live in our lifestyle and our three kids and all the things we do. He was making really good money. And so it was like a third of our salary probably was just gone. Wow. Ryan, would you agree with the way Jamie described it? You suspected the call to come back to the office was going to happen. You were not trying to do the commute. And so you just said, nope. Absolutely. I had had conversations with Jamie prior to that saying if they ever did the call back the office and it was required. It just wasn't something I was interested in. Okay. What's this about the 401k? So the 401k that I had through this company was cashed out when I quit because I think in the

back of my head, I knew some of the expenses we had with the family and that this would help cover for some of those. And when I say cover, really what it did was paid off some of the debt that we had. So I had credit card debt that it paid off. And to me at that time, it just seemed worth that risk taking it out to try to cover that debt and just buffer how for long this period of unemployment would be. You both are married with three kids, correct? This seems like a pretty big decision to make without talking it over with each other. Ryan, what's your take on that? I think I just hit a breaking point. This is really something that I had built up over time. No way, I'm going to be able to continue doing this and enjoy it and not feel stressed out around

family. So I felt trapped and the only alternative I had was to just leave it. This seems like not the only option. It seems like the nuclear of nuclear options. Yeah. And then like since that happened, which was how long ago? Two years now. Yeah. Like that stress you were experiencing at work, would you say that that stress is now in the home with the personal finances? Yeah, I would agree.

Okay. Ryan says yes. Jamie, would you agree or disagree? For a good year, I felt super stressful. He works now. He had another job. So I feel like we made it through that. And he is so much happier and his current job. I feel like the stress is that we're not doing the right thing, not that we couldn't do the right thing. I'm going to read you from your application once again. We need help connecting so our money talks stop ending in arguing divorce threats and nothing ever changing. This is an eight out of 10 serious issue. This is the root of our major fights, which has left someone saying maybe this won't work out in the long run. I'm struck by the difference in how you describe it

on your application versus just now. I think that maybe I'm minimizing it because I don't want to feel bad and he left that job that he was unhappy about because I feel like he's so much happier now with what he does. I feel like we should be able to figure the money stuff out because this job makes him so much happier than the previous job does. And his happiness at work seems more important than the financial stress that it caused. I think both things can be true. I think that you can be happy your partner is less stressed and more fulfilled at a new job, but you can be upset, resentful, surprise, shock that they left a full-time job, cashed out a 401k, and did not consult their wife, their financial partner.

I think both those things can be true. What do you think? I was definitely mad. And I'd still probably harbor resentment about that decision-making without me, which, again, leads to the distrust now, right? Because it's hard for me to trust somebody that made those big decisions when I don't even buy a new TV without asking about purchases, let alone making a huge decision like that.

And have there been times aside from Ryan leaving his job where the two of you did not trust each other with money? So Ryan had another job and then that job turned into a hot mess and said he quit that job and I came home and he told me he quit that job too. I think those things happening in that time frame, have led for me to need a lot of time to rebuild trust in major life decision making things. Okay. Ryan, what's your take?

When I picked up this next job and was doing the same thing at this new company and driving almost the same distance. So it took a few weeks to get into that and think, what am I doing? I just had a knee-jerk reaction, took the first job I could get and got into the same position. Do you find yourself making impulsive decisions? Yes. Money related, I'd say buying a car. That was probably the biggest and most impulsive outside

of quitting the jobs. Did you buy it and then tell Jamie that night? I told her beforehand that we were going to look at potentially buying it. Okay. What kind of car? It's an older car. It's a 1969 old's 442. All right. So you're like, hey, we're going to go look at this car and then what happened? He and his dad bought it. Like on the spot? We bought it on the spot. I went 70, he went 30 in on it, and then we had it shipped to the house. How much did it cost? $24,500. How did you pay for it? I had taken a loan against my IRA to cover it. I have a question about your retirement accounts. My retirement accounts are one direction only. I only send money. I don't take it out of there. What's your relationship with retirement accounts?

I'm curious. I haven't had really any sort of liquid cash flow outside of what to me feels like is going toward bills. So when that opportunity came up to get the car, I thought the only place I have cash sitting is in that retirement account. So I thought was just I'd pay it back and have the interest go back in with it. Wow, there's a lot to unpack here. What do you notice so far about the tenor of this conversation? To me, it's almost frantic. They both have a lot to say, but I can tell that Jamie especially is quite activated. In many ways, she almost seems energized. There's a lot of Fast talking, no pauses. One sentence leads right into the next.

This is quite common when I speak to couples. In fact, I start every conversation with my podcast guests, giving them a couple of tips on answering questions concisely. I did that with Jamie and Ryan just a few minutes ago. And so I want to point this out because it tells me that she has probably bottled up these feelings for a long time. It's kind of like shaking a bottle of soda and then opening up and it just explodes. And truthfully, I don't blame her.

Ryan quitting his job without so much as discussing it with his wife is totally unacceptable. It is a huge violation of trust, and I find it especially egregious because he could only make that decision as a result of Jamie's high income. And I'm guessing Jamie probably has not had a lot of people to talk to about this very issue. What's worse is that Ryan has continued making impulsive financial decisions, like borrowing from his retirement to buy a classic car. These kinds of decisions have consequences. And I suspect there has never been a real reckoning of these decisions and the effect on their finances or their marriage.

After the break, we're going to take a look at the numbers in their conscious spending plan. Smart business owners know that $3 questions are not where you should be focusing your time. The lattes that you buy every morning are not the problem. It's the $30,000 questions that can make or break you. And for example, taxes are a major consideration for, business owners. Have you optimized your tax strategy? Are you aware of the appropriate tax deductions? The truth is, the biggest savings happen before you even file. And that's where our friends at Gelt can help. Gelt is a modern CPA firm that helps you take control of your

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savings, 13,000, debt, 345,000, total net worth, $1,33,000. $1,33,000. What do you think about those numbers? Sounds like a lot. It doesn't feel like a lot. Oh, what would feel like a lot? It'd probably feel better to have $50,000 in savings than $13,000 in savings.

$50,000 instead of $13,000. And if you had $50,000 in savings, how differently would you feel? I'd feel better about that. I feel like if something were to go wrong or Brian had to find a different job, we would have some money in savings that we could live on without having to put things on cards or we would not have to make giant changes to our lifestyle. And Ryan, how do you feel about those numbers? I'm a little surprised.

I didn't expect it to be that high as far as assets go. But I agree with Jamie. We desperately need more in cash as far as savings is concerned. Do you both like cash? I like cash, but long term, it's not going to get us to where we need to be. It makes me nervous. So you don't like cash? That's what I'm figuring out.

Yes. Yeah. Like this very second, I think, I think you might be realizing it. Yeah. And Jamie, do you like cash? Yes. Where's the cash then if you like it?

Good question. That's what I'm trying to figure out, why we can't stay on top of it. Your net worth shows clues, so does the rest of the CSP. It's like your fingerprints. If you saw my CSP, you'd be like, this guy loves cash, right? It's very obvious. And you'd also be like, what the f*** this guy spends this much money on travel? Something's wrong with him.

him. My point is, I don't think you both like cash. I think you talk about it. I don't think you really like it. Not enough to do something about it. And that's what I observed just from these four or five numbers so far. Shall we keep going? Yeah, absolutely. Ryan, can you read me off your combined gross monthly income, please? It's $20,436. Combined household income. The two of you make $245,232. Who here knew that? Jamie's hand is up. Ryan's hand is tentatively up.

Is that up? Both of you knew? Wait, that's great. It's actually more than that because I didn't include my bonus money into that account. Well, we've got to put it in. So let's put in a number that you are very confident you're going to get. So my base salary is $220,000, and I would imagine I would get at least $40,000 a year. 40K more in bonus.

All right, what do you think the net on that is? So if I made 40 in bonus, I'd probably get 30. Yeah, I'm going to change your net here. If we include your bonus and all that, your combined take-home pay per month is 18,475. How do you all feel about that as an income? Sounds really high. Okay, great.

Sounds high. Doesn't feel high? No. Where does all the money go? We're about to find out. All right, let's look at the rest. of this. Fix costs. What's that number? 40%. This already tells me your fixed costs are really low, which means you have a lot of extra money to play with. So I'm as perplexed as anyone right now.

Where's the money going? It's certainly not going to your modest mortgage at $2,700. You got gas at $300. Nothing here is unreasonable. I have no comments. All right. Let's keep going. Investments at 10%. Savings at 8%. Oh, I wonder why there's no savings because you're not saving that much money. That's pretty obvious. And then finally, guilt-free spending, what the fuck is this number? $9,500 a month in guilt-free spending or 52% of net? Is that number right? So when we had done this before, there was a column for like miscellaneous in our other expenses. Yeah. And so I just put like $1,000 of it into that other box. It's not on this one. Okay. So you put $1,000 for miscellaneous in your fixed costs. I don't mind that.

I'll recreate it right now. I don't know where that freaking thing disappeared, but we'll just add an extra $1,000 and watch what happens. Your fixed cost jump to 46%. Still fine, still great. And then if we go all the way down, you have $8,590 left in guilt-free spending. Do you all spend $8,500 a month? Absolutely not. Jamie? No, but apparently, yeah. Am I in Alice in Wonderland right now? What the hell is happening right now? Both people give me the same no but yes answer. question have you noticed some of the answers you've already given me have been quite contradictory yeah confusing right okay and i think there's a like a blame game right i think it just goes back and forth yes what do you get out of that i get to go on vacation because i think if we're just

going to spend the money anyway and you want to spend it on that stuff then i want to take our whole family and i want to go on vacation and ryan what do you get out of the blame game i think that's where my spending comes into play as far as like getting a couple pairs of jeans or getting a few pairs of shoes throughout the month. I'm like, all right, Jamie has said these things to me. She gets what she wants. I'm just going to buy these clothes, feel better about myself, and then go about my day. How come no one ever gets in the savings game? Like instead of the blame game, they're like, I'm going to save 18%. No, I'm going to save 22%. How come no one ever plays that game, except the fire community? I think that's where the trust comes into play. Who's going to

save it. And then if it's in an account, she's got the savings, how do I know nothing's being pulled out of it? Aren't you guys married with three kids? What is this? Do you have joint accounts? So we have a joint checking account that has an attached savings count to it. We put a lot of our money into that. And then I was getting annoyed that it was gone every month. So then I just put less into it. And that's how I got our $13,000 into a savings account because it was down to almost nothing. and I've been putting the money into there to try to prevent it from being spent by putting it into a different account. So remember when your kids were younger and you don't want them to get something, you like put it up on top of the fridge or something where they can't reach? It's interesting that the way you treat your savings account is like putting something in a higher up cabinet so a little kid can't reach it.

Let me pull the money out of there and put it over here. That way he won't spend it and that is the only way that we were able to build up 13. thousand dollars what do you think about that i don't want it to have to feel like that for years i didn't do it that way and then i just got frustrated he's a grown-off he can do what he wants to do and if he is okay with using the carryover cash and i don't know how to stop someone if i'm doing that because to me if i look in our account and we don't have enough money or whatever i'm not going to go out to dinner that night and just like oh it's fine i'll catch up when i get paid tomorrow that's not how i look at it okay but that's how ryan looks at it i feel like there's a lot

up for you when I ask these questions. Am I reading that correctly? Yeah, you are. It gets me going because I get anxious about it. It's overwhelming and I don't enjoy being like the only one who's worrying about it. So then I feel like I have to protect it. But then the cycle turns into me getting annoyed that I'm the only one protecting it. And then I'm like, forget it. This is the way it's going to be. And we'll just not have any savings because I don't want to be the only one worrying about it. Do you feel energized when you get worked up? No, I think it's the opposite. I feel like depleted. You don't look depleted. To me, when you're answering, when you're on one of those runs, it's never ending. It's one clause after another. You don't look depleted to me. You actually

look quite energized. Like you have a never-ending source of energy. How does that strike you? I do think my brain is a constant running. I go from just one tangent to the other, thinking about one thing with how it leads to the next thing and how that leads to the next thing. Okay. Ryan, how does it strike you to hear my analogy of putting something up high on the shelf from a child? But in this case, it's Jamie taking family money and putting it in a separate savings account so that you don't pull it out and spend it. I feel it. To me, it's not spending on what I would consider frivolous things. That's taking a income that I would buy things for the house, right? So fertilizer, grass seed. And what I ended up doing then is realizing

how low we are in cash in the checking account and then putting it on a credit card and then I'd build that credit card up as a result. Wait, at what point do you talk to Jamie and say, hey, we don't have any money in the account. Can we discuss? Nothing preemptively. It's always after the fact. Like, hey, I bought this. It's on the credit card. You need to pay this off. Okay. How much of this is because of Jamie's high income? Because the disparity between the income is quite stark. On a monthly basis, Jamie is taken home $16,275. Ryan has taken home $2,200. Did you all behave the same way with money when you were earning more? I think we did, and that's what frustrated me.

And when I think back on it, and even I remember even thinking this when I was working there and making more money, it didn't matter how much money I was paid or how much of a raise I got. It seemed to just disappear. Where did it go? I would say eating out. Where did it go? I mean, you're sure there's a few thousand to eating out fine. What else? The house, especially. There's a lot of work that we've done with the house. Renovations? Yes. What else? Jamie, where do money go? I mean, I do put like money into the kids' college savings accounts. So there's money going into that every year or every month. Vacations. Sorry, Jamie.

I don't feel like we really started taking vacations until the last few years. I don't know. We're just wasting it. Kids are expensive. Don't get. be wrong. Like when our son plays a travel sport, that's very pricey. They're heavily involved in stuff that costs money. So that's some of it goes to all of those things, I'm sure. Okay. A couple of things I note from your conscious spending plan. Your savings at $13,000 is roughly two months of living expenses, less than two months. So if the income went away, particularly if something happened to Jamie, lost your job, got injured, something like that, you all have about six weeks of money to live on.

Were you aware of that? Yeah. I think that's the scary part, especially with her being the breadwinner here. I don't know how I would even be able to manage it. Jamie, what's your take on that? There's no world where I could not work. It's a kind of an odd dynamic to be making $260,000,

a year and to say there is no world where I cannot work. Does this strike you as a bit weird? No. That's the way the world is, right? Everybody has to work. Not me. Do you want me to tell you why? I don't mean that to be insensitive. I don't just mean it's because I have a lot of money. It's because when I started my career, I said to myself, I love what I do. I love working, but I want the option to not have to work at a certain point. But then do you know what I did? I made a rule for myself that I would invest and I was very aggressive with my percentages, roughly 20% of gross. And it was just like, I'm going to hit this. number. I'm going to do it every single month, every single year automatically. And when I get big old, unexpected income, I'm going to put that money overwhelmingly in investments. And over time, over decades, it grew. It was not magic. It was just consistency. And I refused to be in a position where I have to work all the time just to pay for stuff that I bought. No, I'm not going to let the tail

wag the dog. I'm in control. So when you say, isn't that the way it has to be, I go, no, not if you are making $265,000 a year? Yeah. So I went through a very expensive divorce that probably wiped out most of what I had, but I continued to at least contribute to all my retirement and stuff through all that. When I was on my own, I was just like transferring my credit cards to another thing to pay off the lawyers and the fees and all that other stuff. But I was always at least trying to put money into my retirement all the time, thinking

I was doing the right thing. I paid off my loans even in residency so that I could get all that stuff. So I felt like I made good choices from what I knew to try to do the right things through all that. You've listened to my podcast a lot, right? Yeah. Okay. I want you to think for a second here.

You're making $250,000 or so per year ballpark. What do you think about your specific financial behavior when it comes to saving and investing? I should be putting more money into saving, but continuing to put the same amount into my retirement account too. Okay. You would want to put more. right. Yeah. Why don't you? At this point, it hasn't felt like I had extra to put in there to do that.

Okay. Your debt payments of $375 a month. What is the debt for? The $375, that sounds like a payment toward one of my credit cards. There's about $10,500 on a credit card right now. Okay. What other debt do you have? Our house. How much? About 310. 310. Okay. What else? That's it. That's it. Mortgage and credit card. There should be another credit card out there that vacations go on. I know I keep saying vacations over and over, but we do put that money on a credit card. It gets paid off, right? For the most part, it has gotten paid off because I get my bonus money. I pay off the vacation, and that's how I paid for our vacation. So that's where that rotation has come from. So every

month I've been able to pay it all off with the exception of maybe two or three thousand dollars. Jamie, Ryan, what is going on here? Can I just fix this for you? Yeah, absolutely, please. A couple making almost $300,000 a year should not use a bonus to retroactively pay off their vacations. That's insane. A couple making almost $300,000 a year should not have $10.5,000 of credit card debt. That makes no sense at all. A couple with 46% fixed costs should not be talking about where's our money going. You have way low fixed costs. You have tons and tons of money extra every single month. What is going on here? I don't feel like you're actually hearing me. It's a lot of I'm lost in the weeds and I'm retelling my story and I need to be heard. But what is happening with these

numbers. Almost all of it is in eating out and just blowing it on like going to the movies. I mean, we probably eat out 15, 20 times a week on various things of going out with our families for dinner, going out with our friends for whatever. I spent $200 to get a facial once a month at the spa thingy. Then Ryan decided to do the same thing. So now we both spend money on doing that. And it's just stupid shit. That's what we spend the money on. And that's what's so dumb about all of it is that none of that is important to me. And we talk about what is your rich life thing that you want. And so for me, I just want to be able to leave Indiana and go on vacation somewhere and get out of here three times a year. That's really what's important

to me. So I guess I am taking that money and using it to spend to go to do those things three times, four times a year. And the rest of it, I don't know. And that's, it's an honest answer because I look at the numbers and everything is just like stupid stuff. None of it is meaningful purchases. It's just a whole bunch of dumb things. The way that you keep saying stupid and dumb is your unconscious way of escaping accountability for spending money on things you actually like, but you refuse to admit. A $200 facial is not stupid to you. You actually love it. Eating out 20 times a week is not stupid. You actually love it and you are spending money on it. So I would encourage you to stop calling it stupid and dumb and to actually maybe reflect on

the idea that you might actually value that more than leaving Indiana three or four times a year. Your spending clearly reflects it. Now, if you want to change it, we can change it, but you got to stop demeaning your own spending. You would never talk to your youngest like that, or any of your kids, for that matter. But we are so comfortable talking to ourselves like that. We use it both as a way to bring ourselves down and to escape the idea that I might actually be the kind of person who likes to spend money eating out 20 times a week. And if that is true, if it wasn't just a stupid thing that I did, because I'm dumb, then what does that actually make me?

Jamie, I don't think you're stupid. I don't think you're stupid either, Ryan. I think you make certain choices, and they may be in opposition to what you state is your rich life vision. All of us are, to some degree, out of alignment with what our rich life vision is. That's normal. That's human. I'm out of alignment with my rich life vision.

We all are. but I'm not stupid and I don't think you are even. How many couples have I talked to who earn a high income and then they come and tell me yeah, but it doesn't feel like a lot of money? All right, let's tackle this for a second

because you might roll your eyes but I want you to think about it. Money is invisible. It's amorphous. A lot of people don't even realize that their 401K counts as investments and a lot of people also don't realize that their portfolio counts as real money. Most people candidly

just gauge their financial health by whatever's in their checking account. And that is the level that they are operating on. So if we want to help them, we have to meet them there. The bigger issue is that Jamie and Ryan have no shared vision. In fact, it almost seems like their adversaries, each in their own corner of the ring. You bought three pairs of shoes,

so I'm going to spend thousands of dollars on a vacation out of spite. They also say one thing, then contradict it five minutes later. It all just feels very confusing. It's like a stew where all kinds of ingredients have just blended together and it's hard to get to the root of what is in it. Now, we can fix that. But what really concerns me is the language that they use about themselves.

Over and over, I heard words like stupid and dumb to describe their own behavior. And when you start from that place, when your default setting is shame and berating yourself, gosh, it's really hard to make a positive change. Forget about feeling joy. Most people are just working to get to neutral. It's like someone is drowning

and their only goal is to get a breath of air. Forget about me sitting over here talking about a rich life. If you feel like you are drowning, you just want to breathe. But I have to say, they have to realize there's a bigger life than simply getting to take a breath because very few people are motivated by merely surviving. And that means they have to change the way they talk about money. If they don't, the numbers don't matter. They'll keep repeating the same patterns over and over because this goes deeper than just numbers.

If this sounds familiar, if you are ready to, to change the way you talk about money and get to the root of what's going on, I want to encourage you to join my money coaching program. I tackle this very subject so you can stop agonizing over random purchases, and I will show you exactly how to spend more on the things you love. You'll get access to monthly coaching calls with me, plus a whole community to hold you accountable as you go through the program. Sign up at IWT.com slash money coaching so that your money conversations can move you forward. That's IWT.com slash money coaching.

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So what do you want to do with your stupid decisions, as you call them? So we decided that we were going to say that we got $500 a piece to spend however we wanted. And immediately, like, I felt like that went out the window on month one. Why do you think that happened? I think it's all about just doing what feels like we need to do in that moment, right? So we're out somewhere and we can go home and eat at home, but we choose to just go somewhere and do that because it's easier or it's convenient. It's very interesting talking to someone who graduated from medical school,

describing themselves as, I just do whatever's easiest. You know, I have a lot of friends and family who are doctors and it's not easy at all. How do you explain the dichotomy? I'm not sure. Okay. That's a good answer. That's honest. Ryan, what about you?

you all set this $500 rule. What happened? Yeah, I think I realized how quickly that $500 is spent when we're eating out as a family. That's five of us. So I felt like I tried to mitigate how much we were spending by just saying, Jamie and I go out to eat, leave the kids. They can eat what's at home. But they would hit that cap. And Jamie would make a comment being like, all right, this is part of your 500. So then I was like, I'm never going to be able to adhere to that. That's the bargaining of We don't really want to abide by what we set. So let's start to negotiate a way out of this. We both know we're not going to take this number seriously.

So like that'll be part of your money. This doesn't count because it's Sunday, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And the thing is, where are you bargaining against? It's like when I used to run track, we'd have to run all in these neighborhoods. And our coach wouldn't follow us. And of course we want to cheat. We want to get in somebody's car and just have them drive us home. We're miles away.

And what he would try to teach us was like, you're not cheating anyone but yourself. You're actually supposed to be running to condition yourself when you are bargaining with each other. Who are you actually winning against? Nobody. You're winning against your own arbitrary rule that you set up. I suspect you don't really have a reason why. Why 500?

Anybody know? I think I picked the number that I thought we could do, that we could abide by. That didn't seem like too little, but. Do you grow up religious, James? me? No. No. Wow. You grew up in the Midwest? Oh, yeah. Did you grow up with mom and dad? My dad became disabled to my mom work, but my mom's always super pissed off resentful because she had always planned on being the wife that stayed home with the kid and didn't work. And then when he became sick, she had to work full time all those years and didn't enjoy that. But it was save everything,

spend nothing. Everything had a price tag. So like, if I wanted a pair of shoes that cost $75, dollars won her mind but she costs 40 so if I wanted them I might have to pay that different sort of thing and even now she shops at goodwill but not because she has to but because that's the right thing to do because it saves money how is she doing financially she saved herself a decent amount of money and for a single woman she does just fine I've seen her money and she could afford to buy a new couch if she wanted to wow but she feels like she shouldn't because the way she was raised you help take care of your parents and you help take care of your kids and so that money's not to be spent even by her, which I obviously tell her is insane and she should take the trip to Alaska or whatever.

Moms love Alaskan cruises, by the way. I don't know what mom magazine these Alaskan cruises advertise in, but like every single mom in America loves an Alaskan cruise. We went on an Alaskan cruise when we were kids because my mom was like, we got to go to Alaska. We're like, what? All right, we went. We had a great time. But what is this moms of America? Yeah, my parents are doing the same thing. It's hilarious. Bingo. Man, they have a lock on American moms. it is crazy. All right. What other phrases did your parents use about money when you were young? Money doesn't grow on trees. My dad was a sender and my mom was not sender. So every time he would come home with something remotely expensive. Oh, do we really need that? Why did you get that?

Like, for example, if he came home with three pairs of shoes, your mom would say, did you really need those? Oh, yeah. But he could buy one pair of shoes and she would have said the same thing. them. Now that you make more than presumably your family made, what's that like? It's kind of weird. I remember when I bought this house, I felt guilty about buying a house that was bigger because I felt like I was bragging. I don't like to buy fancy things or I'm not like really into all that stuff necessarily because that's just not how I was raised. All right. Ryan, what about you? What do you remember about your family saying about money when you were growing up? My dad handled the finances for the most part. So my mom really didn't have a grasp of what was going on. He'd always make comments

we may need to save more or we may not have enough for vacation, which to me was frustrating because I had friends going on more than one vacation a year. We'd always go on one, but that one vacation was always in question. Yet he's one that was not afraid to spend on himself. I just talked about it this week with my mom, seeing him ride by on a motorcycle and the family not knowing. And I was like, hey, is that dad? And sure enough, it was. And that's how she found out he had bought a motorcycle. Looking back, I'm like, why would that not be spent on family and a vacation versus something for himself? So, and he was very deceiving. They didn't share a lot together on what was being spent. Wow. What do you think you took away from that? From what I saw from him and what I've

seen myself do, it feels like, all right, I'm dealing with an issue or I'm frustrated or stressed. I feel like things might fix it, but that's never the case. I actually will walk out thinking, what the hell am I doing? What about the part about buying stuff and not telling anybody else? That's exactly what I did in those couple of instances with Jamie. I don't feel like it's a trend, but the times I did do it were so impactful that we won't forget it. How much of your financial behavior is extremely similar or identical to your dads? I would say it's similar in smaller amounts, right? I'm not. buying a piece of land. I'm buying shoes. Okay. Anything that you do that is opposite of what your

dad did? I do tell Jamie. I may not tell her right away, but I try to be transparent like, hey, I did get these shoes. And I had guilt, especially when I wasn't working, to be spending what I consider her money. You grew up in the Midwest, too? I did. Yep. I got to tell you, from me to two Midwest people, I'm not particularly interested when Midwest people tell me about how they feel guilty. It's like an Indian person saying, I feel like I'm constantly consumed with taking off my shoes when I come home. Yeah. And it's just so ever present, so common that it actually has lost any meaning. Because like in the Midwest, part of the culture is you talk about guilt all the time. I'm guilty about this. I'm guilty about that. And so I think sometimes people overindex

on it. Oh my gosh, I feel guilty about this or that. But it actually doesn't tell me anything. If somebody else in a different geographic area was talking about guilt, I would be more mindful of it. But the Midwest person telling me I feel guilty about this, I'm like, and, okay, you feel guilty about how much you fed your goldfish yesterday. Not really relevant. Moving on. Anybody disagree with me from the Midwest? I need to hear it from you. Am I wrong or right on this?

Especially people who are older than enough. Yeah. They love it. They love it. It's like food. It's food. they talk about it. They revel in it. If they're not guilty, who are they? God, I'm going to hear from everyone in the Midwest. The thing is, I'm going to hear from them being

like, you're right. I know I'm right. I said it. I tested it with two people from the Midwest. They just agreed with me. All right. Thinking back to the lessons you observed from your families when you were growing up, what lessons do you think you bring into this relationship with money? I definitely have the tendencies of my mom to feel bad about spending money on myself. I think that's for sure. Or just spending large amounts. money on something that you could get cheaper somewhere else. But I think I also have some of my dad in the sense that if I really want something, I'm not going to obsess and feel bad about really buying it because I work hard. What's an example of something you spend on that you don't feel

guilty about? Like going to get my facial once a month. Wait, you just called them stupid and dumb five minutes ago. No, the facial part's not. It's the eating out that's stupid and dumb. Ah, okay. I'm not like a hair, nails. I don't go get my nails done. I don't get pedicures. I don't do that stuff. But Ryan did have to talk me into not feeling bad about it. I'll get them that. If you deserve that once month, you should go do it. So I do. But I don't feel bad about it anymore. Okay. Ryan, what about you? What lessons do you bring to this relationship with money? I would say withholding information. So your dad didn't talk about certain things. He withheld. You do the same. What else? What other lessons?

That things don't buy happiness or fix any of the problems that I have. He used to buy things to fix unhappiness. You do the same. same. Absolutely. Yeah. And there's got to be something about your dad buying a motorcycle, just showing up with it, and you buying a car and quitting two jobs and just telling Jamie about it. Yeah, I think so. Jamie, are you resentful that you earn the bulk of the household income? No. I feel resentful that Ryan quit that job without telling me, but it was never really about the money. It was really about not being a part of a decision, not so much the money part of it. Okay. Interesting. Jamie, you mentioned that you went through divorce.

and it sounds like there were some pretty substantial financial costs. How do you think that changed the way that you view money? I think I probably bring some baggage of PTSD about that marriage and how money worked out there. And I probably unfairly bring some of that to Ryan. And he does not necessarily do the same things that my ex-fouse did. But I found out about things after the fact there that also were shocking and I didn't know about. And so when these things have happened. I think it brought up a lot of PTSD financially for me. Pre-nup or post-nup? No. Did you discuss it? No. Why not? I don't feel like that's a Midwestern thing to do. I don't know anybody that has one. I guess it never even crossed my mind

as being something people do. You know what? I said the same exact thing. When I was thinking about it, it's not the Indian thing to do. And I just didn't know any Indian people who were wealthy at a young age because a lot of the Indian people that I grew up with became doctors and engineers. They often become wealthy, but later in life. I'm also asking because you mentioned that there's not ironclad trust with each other when it comes to money. I didn't feel that way when he started our marriage at all. Like when I met Ryan, he had zero debt.

He had never had even had a credit card who got through college without owning any money. He lived on his own and put care of himself. Did something change? I mean, I think when the job stuff switched over somewhere in there, the credit card thing became the same. And I think that's where the trust part of it probably escalated after all of that. Because Ryan made less then than he does now. And it was the same dynamic as far as financially, who made how much.

That was about the same then. I don't think it was about the amount of money. I want to pause here for a moment before we continue. In this next part of our conversation, Jamie shares a deeply personal story about losing a child. And it is very heartbreaking, and I also know that it might be difficult for some listeners to hear. So if that is you, please feel free to skip ahead or mute for the next two minutes. And off-Birds, Ryan, and I had a really a rough go of 2017. We had a son that was born without kidneys and passed away right after he was born.

I got pregnant shortly after that again, and our daughter was born three months early and spent two months in the missing in the hospital. And all of that happened in 2017. So I think that year was really transformative for he and I. And it was a really year. All that stuff happened bad at once and it was a lot of stress and pressure. That's really, I think, prompted going to therapy and stuff was mostly about trying to get through all that sadness through that year. So I think that somewhere around that time, something changed.

I'm so sorry. I didn't not know that. I'm so glad that you went to therapy. I can't even imagine how difficult that was. Do you feel like that experience brought you closer? or was it a wedge between you that never brought you closer? Initially, we were quiet, drifted a little bit, but then at the end of the day, we had to communicate with each other, talk about how we were feeling.

In the end, where we are now, it's brought us closer with that regard. I'm really thankful you just shared that with me. It really provides a whole different context for me because, you know, what was horrific tragedy could have very easily created a wedge between you, split you apart, but the fact that you went to therapy and that you are here, and yes, we're talking about money and we're talking about shoes and savings, yes, but in comparison to what you have been through, this really provides such a different perspective. So the fact that you were able to, as you put it, come closer together to me is a really positive clue

that we can make the money work. Money is important, but it's certainly not the most important thing in a rich life. So thank you for sharing that. Jamie, speaking of trust, what do you think would need to happen, financially speaking, for you to be able to trust Ryan? Work together to get the savings thing and work on his own retirement account. I think to see that he is going to do it. He says he's going to do it, but never has done it. I think putting your money where your mouth is, like, okay, are we really going to do this? And I think that's step one for me. You want to hit a certain number, $50,000 in savings, and you want him to be contributing something to his retirement. Yeah. Okay. Ryan, how does that sound to you? It sounds needed. I'm

nervous about retirement. I've got to start putting things in retirement. It's just hard because I feel like we've got to have that liquid cash to pay whatever we need to pay. It's not that hard. You make $300,000 a year. What's hard? I guess I don't think of it like that. I think of like, all right, I've got my paycheck coming in. What is that going to go toward? That's because you all think of yourselves as individuals, not as a team. Yeah. Of course it's hard to put $50,000 in savings and save for retirement when you're making $36,000 a year. It's almost impossible. But you're not. You're not making $36,000 a year solo. You're a couple making almost $300,000. Why are we not thinking like that? Like, I don't ever think about the money that's just being mine. I always think about it's

like, this is what we're going to need. But then why do you say that you want Ryan to put money in his retirement account? Because I think he would feel better. about it for himself. I think it bothers him that he doesn't do it. Yeah, it's definitely true. I'm somebody that would catastrophize. Did you catastrophize when you cashed out all your retirement accounts? Oh, I definitely did. Are you kidding? I don't believe that. I believe that you were just like, yeah, I'll just pay this shit back at some point. Oh, yeah, I feel like when I did that, good things were coming. That's a dreamer. That's not catastrophizing. That's the opposite. A dreamer has never catastrophes in their

life. They go, I'll just get that next job. I'll get this next thing. The next gig will come over. They don't catastrophize about anything. They go, it'll be fine. And why can they do that? Because they're usually subsidized by somebody else. Their spouse or parents or an inheritance or something. Yeah. If you were solo, Ryan, and you were making $36,000 a year, you would not be like,

I'll just wait for this gig and I'll cash this thing out. you'd be like, holy f***, I need to be on top of my numbers down to the penny. Yeah, if I weren't in the position I'm in, I wouldn't have left Schwab. Yes, exactly, exactly. And I think I've said that to Jamie. No, you've never said that to me, though. You've never said that. You helped me get through transitioning to something I want to do.

It's meaningful to me that you said that because I don't feel like you've ever said that to me. I think that's how I was like, man, just to realize we can do this together sort of thing. But I don't think that you'd ever, like, really express that you felt like that was true, too. I guess not. What does it mean, Jamie, that Ryan said that to you just now? It makes me feel good, that he gets it. I guess I felt like he's never really gotten it, that this impacted both of us in such a way that I didn't feel that he understood that how I was feeling. I think that if somebody can afford to make life or career decisions because of their

spouse, then it is their obligation to talk to their spouse. Like, to me, it is a complete, unacceptable move to make life or career decisions without speaking to your spouse, consulting your spouse, really taking their opinion, especially when they are the ones providing the financial cover. Because if you did not have that cover, you would not have made that decision. And so to just come home and just be like, yeah, I quit, like zero percent acceptable. It's like taking a spear to any trust that's been built up and it just destroys it. To rebuild it is something that can be done.

And I think Ryan, what I'm hearing from Jamie is I don't think you've really gone through the process of rebuilding that trust. Hey, I realized when I made that decision, it was impulsive. And I only made that decision because, yeah, I was hurting and I didn't love the job and the commute was nerve-wracking to me. But I only made that decision in part because I knew that you would have my back. And I've never really told you that. And I never really told you how much I appreciate that. and I won't take it for granted again. Yeah.

That's the kind of thing that I might say. Jamie, how would that resonate with you? Yeah, that would mean a lot. Because I love Ryan, and I love that him do this job, really lights him up. Like, he comes home and he's like, guess what I got? I came out with this program today, and it's the community is enjoying, and it's got all this stuff, and it makes him happy. And I love that for him.

I like this energy right here, where you both are sharing the best parts about, each other. I really love that because it tells me that when you can do that, you can be a team and when you can be a team, you can apply that same teamwork to money. Hard to be a team when you are in your own corners of the boxing ring and pointing fingers at the other one. Also hard to be a team when you're in the boxing corner and you're beating yourself up. I'm dumb. I shouldn't have done that. So whether it's attacking a partner or attacking yourself, that's not teamwork. is actually, hey, it's the two of us against the world. What do we want? How are we going to get there? Sure, it might take a little bit of this. It might take a little bit of that. You're better at

this. I'm better at that. Let's figure it out and make it work. But it's the two of you against the world. And I know that you have done that before. And hopefully that's what we can do for the rest of our time together. Candidly, the first part of this conversation was a little frustrating. But now that they have shared this story about losing a child, suddenly I feel a lot more connected. Suddenly, I have a lot more understanding for why they are doing the things they are doing. Going through that unimaginable loss puts their financial struggles in a new perspective. I have to say that I'm grateful they were willing to share. And the way that they talk about how they process their grief through therapy, through time together, gives me a whole new

appreciation for them. After hearing what they've gone through, the $10,000 in credit our debt feels small. Yes, we need to fix it. But from my perspective, that's nothing compared to what they have already survived. And that makes me hopeful. Because if they've made it through something as difficult as losing a child, then they have a deep well of resilience that they can draw from again. I think they're stronger than they think. And up next, we're going to start putting that strength to work. It's time to talk about shared goals and building a rich life together. My amazing wife has taught me a lot of things. She's certainly leveled up my style.

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Go to RocketMoney.com slash Rameet today. That's rocketmoney.com slash remit. Rocketmoney.com slash Rameet. So I've heard a bit from you, Jamie. You have described a vision as you like to get to roughly $50,000 in savings. And you would like Ryan to contribute to his retirement. Ryan, what's your vision? My vision is very similar to that, although I think what's priority for me is to remove liabilities.

House is probably the biggest one, and that stresses me out the most. Because in my mind, I'll think, okay, new driveway, $80,000, new master bath, $50,000. And already we're years down the road of how much salary just in paying to update the house. Okay, so does anybody want the freaking driveway? No. So then why are we talking about the driveway? I thought we're talking about rich life. That's where his mind goes.

Like the things that need to get done. This is another thing that Midwest grandpas do. Their entire life is a checklist of like yard work. That's it. Like what's the meaning of your life? They're like meaning, I need to clean out the back porch. I didn't ask what the is on your to-do list, grandpa. I ask, what is the rich life vision?

I don't want that. You're that, Ryan. You're that. Just give it 40 more years and a fucking year. Oh, gosh. You're that. What's happening right now? Here, let's talk about what you do want, not what you don't want. Yeah, for sure. Okay, I want to travel. I want a home base that we can come to and is clean and open. And I don't have to worry about what needs done or fixed or how old it is. I want to more worry about like, all right, what's our travel plans with this new location or travel abroad? That's what I want my focus to be. That's what I want my rich life to be. All right. That sounds pretty good. Jamie, do you disagree with any of that?

So, Ryan and I have a big sticking point on this house. Like, he feels like it's going to cave in on us and we're going to die. And anyone else will tell your house is quite lovely. I feel like we have two older kids. They're going to go out, move out to the world. It's going to be the free of us. We can sell this house and get something smaller. Just three of us. And I'm not worried about the house at all. All right. So hold on. Let's just figure this house thing out. Is it going to cave in? Is there like a safety issue, Ryan? It's not. It's the amount of time I've spent working on it that is frustrating. What if you just don't? Yeah, that's the key, right? It's hard for me to walk through and not look at something that I don't like and think that needs to change. I can't empathize at all. I'm like, what the fuck is this guy talking about? I'm like, just destroy your toolbox. You'll be like me. You don't have any tools to fix anything. And then what can you do? Yeah, that sounds great. I guess I'm just still struck like all the contradictions that keep coming up today. Like I'm trying to talk about a rich life

and then we spend five minutes talking about what you don't want to do. And I'm like, y'all are both adults. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. If you want to do something, then do it. What's happening right now? Because I'm trying to understand what your rich life is so that we can use the numbers to live it. Do you want to fix the house? Because we can fix the house or do you not want to fix the house? I don't want to fix the house. Okay. So who's arguing that it has to be fixed? I guess I'm contradicting myself there and saying it should be fixed. I've spent so many years thinking that. And then within the last few months, six months, whatever, stopped.

I don't want to fix it. So I can see there is a way out. I just felt like the only way to get out was to fix it. The tail is wagging the dog. The idea that I've thought this for so many years. And now if I change my mind, who will I be? And what does it say about me that for the last decade, I've been beating the drum of fixing this house. If I just abandoned that, am I a loser? Was I wrong?

I think I was wrong. I just don't think I fully understood how I was spending my time and what it was actually accomplishing. All right. So your rich life, Ryan, is to have a simple place that you can live in. Jamie, your rich life, it sounds like, is keep the house until the two kids go to college. Then you downsize for the three of you. Sounds like the two of you want to travel a bit more. You want to get the 50K in savings? Anything else? So I did like the calculator, how much I would have to have in retirement to retire at 60, and it was like $4.5 million. I need to change something if I'm going to get to that at 60. So whatever I would need to do to figure that out.

You want to retire at 60? Am I hearing you right? If that could be what I would do, then that's what I would want to do. So if you retired at age 60, that would mean Ryan would also retire at the same time at age 50? that sounds like a pipe dream but my dad died at 62 my parents were going to wait till 65 and they were going to live this whole dream of retirement and never got to do any of that and so I don't want to wait till I'm so old that bad things happen I never get to enjoy any of that so Ryan and I being almost 10 years difference he would be 51 but when I was 60 so I don't know if that's realistic but maybe we'll find out Ryan are you down with that yeah that sounds great I would love to retire at 50 and at one time

I felt like maybe that could have been the case, but I'm feeling pretty doubtful at this point. Let's take a look. I want to know what happens if we just ended the call right now. We didn't really make any substantive changes. Fast forward five years. What do you think would happen? I think I would try to compensate in some way. Either I'm getting a job that pays more, doing similar to what I had done before, to try to make up for what we're not saving or the cycle continues. And Jamie? We like to think we would drop this call and be like, okay, we looked at these numbers and they don't make sense. I would like to hope that we could talk about it out loud,

then translate that into like meaningful change. I would hope that we can do that. But as far as how to keep putting money into things other than trying to save more, I don't really know how to do that part of it's different than what I'm already doing. I think it's interesting your answers because Ryan, you said you would try to compensate

to get a higher paying job, but the fact is you had a much higher paying job and nothing really changed. Your savings didn't really grow when you were making three, four times more. The two of you were not talking about money. It was just like you made enough that you didn't really have to think about it.

There was no shared vision even making 300-something thousand a year. And Jamie, I think you could probably save a bunch of money, but I just feel like that's playing so small. Like, what a tragedy to just narrow your field of vision to saving 50K. For me, if I'm making your income, I can knock that out so fast.

It's easy. And I want to help you do that, but there's so much more to life than having 50 or 60K in a savings account. There's, of course, investing more. There's learning the skill of spending money meaningfully, which I don't think is happening right now. I think a lot of it's just unconsciously going to random stuff. And then most importantly, at the highest level of personal finance, it's always about

the who. Who can I get connected with? Who can I build great relationships with in terms of? money. Who can I be generous to and bring up with me? There's so much more richness to be had here than let's talk about a savings account or like that 401K that got cashed out. I feel like this table stakes. So I know your vision for what's possible. I'd like for us to start there. That's the North Star of where we want to go. I'm going to pull up your CSP and I'm going to ask for your help to make some changes. Are you ready for this? Yeah. All right. I'm ready. All right. So here's your CSP.

As a refresher, we have $1,33,000 total net worth, credit card debt of $10,000, and then you've got your house mortgage of $310,000. Your fixed costs are at 46%, quite low. Investments are at zero post-tax, 10% pre-tax, and your savings are at roughly 8%. Split among vacations, gifts, emergency fund, and 529, and then you got 46% going to guilt-free spending. Typically, I recommend 20 to 35%. Before we make line item changes, any big picture observations that either of you want to make? Yeah, I think guilt-free spending is what has to change. That'd be the first thing I would attack. All right. Shall we dig into guilt-free spending?

Sounds good. What's happening there? We went out to dinner. That was $200. Grocery store was $200. $300, gas was $60, school, lunch fees was $200. I paid for our hotel that we're going to in October. That was $300. Restaurant. Hair cut, restaurant. What's the time period of all of those things you just shared? Is it like two weeks?

Yeah. What do you notice about all this stuff? It's a lot of eating out and then just runs to the grocery store. How many times a week? Oh gosh. Three to four. Why? Because we're not very organized.

I think Ryan and I both have a touch of attention deficit and we are not good about sitting down. Like for two weeks we'll be really good about Sunday. We're going to cook all this stuff and be really prepared and then it just falls out. And we need to just be much more structured. This is what we're buying the sweets. This is what we're having this week and sticking to the plan. What do you think it would take in order for you to both be better at that? And the answer cannot be we just need to try harder.

We used to do like that thing where they just deliver you. your food that comes in all the meals and you just cook those meals, I think that probably actually did save us money because it was there. We didn't want to waste it, so we would make sure we actually did it. Okay, that's one way. What else? Let's go one in one. Ryan? I don't know. Ryan, you look like you're in pretty good shape. Do you go to the gym? Yes. How often? Three, four days a week. Huh? That seems like a lot. How do you go to the gym four times a week? Break it down for me? Motivation, routine, and I guess desire. I just have that desire to do it and I know what the outcome is going to be if I do. Which is being in shape,

feeling better about myself. Great. And do you go to the gym at the same time? Yes. Absolutely in the mornings. Same time. You have your clothes. You have enough gym clothes to go to the gym. You don't have to run the wash right before you go. No. Got them ready. Do you see how much invisible work has gone into you succeeding in your help? You have enough clothes. You know where the gym is. You have a membership. you go at the same time. Now, if we think about how you both applied the money work, when you would sit down and do your plans and talk about money, would you do it at the exact same time every single week?

No. It was just like the last thing to happen, right? Whenever. Probably when people are tired. When you show up, no one has prepared anything. When you go to the gym, you have a freaking split you're working off of. It's just completely different. But the thing is, both of you have been successful in life.

So you know what it takes to be successful, whether it's at the gym, whether it's with kids, whether it's with medical school or showing up at work on time, why do you think you haven't yet applied it to money? I think it's mental load. I'm overwhelmed with my job, parent, spouse. Like, I just, my mental load is so overdone that trying to plan deals from an entire week just sounds like one more thing that I have to do the way it needs to be done. I think that's a pretty honest answer. All right.

I can appreciate that. And Ryan, what about you? I think there's something holding me back and taking that role and trying to make that happen. Which is? I think, what if we're not successful? What if things don't pan out the way we want them to? I think that there's fear there, right? And Jamie not trusting what I'm doing.

It's just, will she ever get there? And then if not, how much effort do I want to put into this? Why does it have to be on her? You're the one who quit the job twice. Yeah. It shouldn't be. I think I'm just so used to going into attack mode like that, being like, all right, yeah, it's on earth, but it shouldn't be. I think I've just never done that. I've just never taken those steps. So this finding out how to start is the first thing I can do. I agree. I think that some of your reluctance, Ryan, is in part due because you don't really have to. Jamie's making a bunch of money. She's picking up a bunch of the mental load on this anyway. You have made some financial, impulsive decision. You have made some financial, impulsive decision. and nothing really happened, consequentially.

Here you are. You're still here. You got a new job. Roof is still there. So until the two of you see a more powerful vision for what you both want, something that you both have to work towards that you cannot do alone, then you will both stay at the ground level in a boxing ring, just attacking each other. Because it's comfortable.

It allows you to both feel a bit righteous. And the way you've actually created this dynamic, it actually allows you to both go out and buy whatever you want. he's going to do it, so I'll do it. And she's going to do it, so I'll do it. So actually, you've turned something that's quite dysfunctional into something that is in your own mind permissive for you. Do you see how perverse the knot that you have created is? Yeah, I don't like it. I don't. Neither do I. It's not teamwork. Teamwork is, hey, it's not you. It's not me. We're not bad people. We've got to come clear on what is our vision. The vision's got to be

powerful and specific. It's got to be true. Do we actually believe it? And then we have to apply some of the skills that we have used for our professional life and our personal life. We know we can be successful and we have to apply it back to our money. Now there's some things we need to put out on the table. I'm really tired. I have work. I take care of my mom. I do this. And I am scared because I've never done this before. So I think I'm going to get it wrong. Okay, let's put it out on the table. Let's agree. First of all, we need to give each other some grace. We know that there's going to be mistakes made. Okay, fine. Second, there are things that I'm better at. Let me help. But there are things that I need you to pick up on as well. That's how we start to have these team

dynamics. Jamie, you mentioned something that really got my antenna going up. You said, I don't have time. It's like a lot of emotional burden, a lot of load that I'm carrying. When I hear somebody who makes a lot of money saying that, in my head, it's like a lottery slot machine just won. You know why? Because I'm like, have you ever heard of buying back your time? Yeah. You ever do it? I have with my new AI note-taking to my work. All right.

That's a good example. It saves you a ton of time, good quality. Can we do any of a thing like that at home? We definitely had like someone clean the house and took care of all that for us. That was awesome. We've never had someone make food like that, but certainly that would keep us eating at home and not spending all that money going out and doing that.

Yeah. I think there are a lot of things. It sounds like you have some ideas. Great. what I want to do is I want to put the numbers back up on screen and I want us to talk about how we use the money to get to part of your vision. So again, 46% on fixed costs. You don't need to touch your fixed costs. If you're below 50%, we don't need to bother with this at all. Move on, okay? Investments, we'll get to that in a minute. Savings, you told me,

savings is a big problem. Yeah. You're currently saving $1,430, and a lot of it is going towards non-emergency fund. Can we change this? Oh, yeah. How much? Yeah, I'd say $1,000. A thousand bucks? No, you all make way too much money to only be putting $1,000 a month. It's ridiculous. You're taking home $18,475 a month.

Jamie, you told me I feel stressed out that we don't have enough in savings. I want you to recognize that if you want to play small, then you will play small for the rest of your life. Yeah, we don't want to do that. If you want to play big, you all talk about traveling and doing all this cool stuff, then play big. If you're asking me, I'd say five, I'd start with $5,000 per month. Jamie, what do you say about that number? Would it be better to build all that up before putting it into retirement? Now you're asking a very good question.

What is a better priority to invest or to save? For short term, having the savings would make sense because in an emergency situation, you'd be that first. Yeah, it'd be liquid funds. needed it, we could get it. And then if we hit our goal, then we could invest. Correct. That's a good way to think about it. The next question you need to ask is, do we have enough currently for the investment track that we're on? So if we take a look at your investments, if you retire at age 60, Jamie, which is earlier than many, I calculated it with a 3.5% withdrawal rate. You'd have about $87,000 or $88,000 a year in safe income. What do you

think of that number? Doesn't seem like it'll be enough. It's not enough relative to how much you earn $260 and you're like, where's the money? So you probably need some more. Yeah. You have options. Those options could be instead of putting, let's just say, $5,000 a month into savings. You could put $4,500 a month into savings and $500 into investments, right? You can split it in some way. You could sell the house at a certain point and invest. And that could happen in a few years. You could sell the car, invest that. Great. There's lots of different ways to do it. And And actually, you actually have more than enough money left over. You could do $5,000 towards savings and put money in to your investments.

So these are the data points we need to understand. When we say is saving or investing important enough, okay? So let's go back to the CSP and then let's talk about some options. So when we take money and put it into the emergency fund here, it is going to draw from your guilt-free spending. Okay, this is like whatever's left ends up in your guilt-free spending. And there's a reason for that, because everything else is the most important, right? You being able to cover your bills, keep the lights on, that's important. Your investments are extremely important.

They're paying your future self. Savings are important. And then whatever's left is guilt-free. That's why the CSP is set up the way it is. Okay? So can I just show you, like, what happens if we put $3,000 a month here? You want to see? Yeah, let's see it.

Watch what happens over here. 43% guilt-free spending. It's now at 32%. Guys, that's still, like, really high. Yeah. You still got a lot of money left over. Let's have some fun. Let's play around. Let's put a thousand bucks into retirement post-tax. All right, watch. You're still at 27%. You got a lot of money left over. Right now, if we look at $3,000 a year, that's $36,000 a year. By the end of the year, you have about $50,000. That's 12 months from now. What else do you want to do? Should we be putting more money in retirement? Or should we be allocating it else? I would say stock. I think I just don't know anything about stocks. I don't even think I knew until the last year that stocks were different from a retirement

account. I think I just thought all that was part of one thing. Jamie, you know the reputation doctors have with money, right? I do. It's okay if you don't understand investing details. That's okay. Yeah. I don't mind.

But a couple making roughly $300,000 a year needs to learn it. Yeah. And you have plenty of resources. And if it is my book, other books, audio books, programs, whatever. It has to be a commitment because it's not really about the money. I can tell neither of you want to become financial experts. That's fine. I don't expect the average person to want to. Fine. But if you want to be able to retire at 60, if you want to be able to travel, as the two of you have said, and all these things, until now, it's been like, let's close our eyes and hope,

and let's just go on vacation and we'll cover it with the bonus. Okay, you got by doing that. But what a shame if you go the next 20 years and you're still agonizing over getting $65,000 in your savings account. We could have knocked that out in 13 months. So there's got to be a bigger life. And in order to get to that bigger life, which might contradict the way that you were raised and yet nonetheless, you are here. Both of you are here. You're going to have to learn some skills that maybe your families didn't teach you. That's what it takes. That's it. All right. Back to the CSP. We're getting closer. Just to refresh your memory here. We're at 46% on fixed cost. We haven't touched that. Great,

which gives us a lot of extra margin to play with. And we can see that your savings are at 22%. That's a pretty nice, healthy number there. I'd like to dig into that in a second. Your guilt-free spending's at 27%, still on the higher end, frankly. And I don't mind if yours is a little high, but I get the sense that maybe we could take a few percentage points from freaking guilt-free spending, $5,000 a month and put it somewhere else. I actually, actually don't even think you really appreciate the $5,000 a month. No, definitely not. No, let's get rid of this shit then.

Yeah. Can I put it more in my vacation? Yes, yes, you can. You want to take a better vacation? This is where you do it. Tell me. So I would put, could I, let's see, like we could put a thousand dollars in this vacation fun?

Oh, for sure. Yeah, great. Yeah. All right. So instead of 330, we're going up to $1,000, that's $12,000 a year for vacations. What's interesting is you probably already spent that much anyway. You just spent it and then reimburse yourself. let's not do that anymore. Let's plan proactively. That's great. Savings are at 26%. Hold on. Gifts for

250. Who are you giving gifts to? The kids? Yeah. All right, fine. 500 for their 529s. All right, that's cool. You can do it. You can afford it. No problem at all. Hell, why don't we take this down to 20% just for kicks? Put the extra in the stock column. Yeah, exactly. Let's take it up to 1,500 a month plus the 1,800 a month, That's $3,310 a month being invested. So you are now investing, no joke, $39,720 a year. That's incredible, incredible. And what I want to point out is that even with that money being invested, you still have $3,770 to spend every month on guilt-free spending.

This is not vacations. This is like eating out. This would be something like hiring somebody to come over and do your vegetables, chop them up, prep everything, put it in canisters, whatever. It could be somebody going and doing grocery shopping for you, babysitter, whatever you need. Yeah. That is a lot of money. Am I the only one amazed here?

No. Didn't feel like we had that and I'm just, I'm in shock. It's like having a big junk drawer in your kitchen just full of and then a personal organizer comes over and it helps you clean it. And then you realize, oh, my God, we actually have a ton of storage space. I still can store all the Ziplog bags that I want to. That's how it is with money. Okay?

So instead of your junk drawer and just feeling like I was depleted, you actually have buckets for everything. But there are a few catches. What do you think the catches are? We have to stick with it. Yes. We have to work as a team. Yes. Keep going.

Send it. And then be like, oh, yeah, by the way, I just spent the, we just sit down every week and be more organized and intentional about what we're doing. Yes. Keep going. This is great. You're nailing it. What else? Be more proactive, have control over what we have been spending on, not just be spending on things we don't need. So you can spend $3,770 a month approximately on guilt-free spending, but it's got to be mindful. There's got to be a reason. The reason can be as simple as I want it. That's okay. I want to get this facial, this massage, these shoes, whatever. But it's got to be part of the point. And the thing is, you all know how to do that because you've done it in other parts of life.

So I think there's some infrastructure work to do as well. The infrastructure of this would be setting a time for the two of you to talk about it. So the next step is probably in the first few meetings. We're going to read a book together. We're each going to take a turn, one chapter me, one chapter you. We're going to share ownership. It's not going to be one person. And then when there are things we don't know, like what's this stock ownership thing at work?

We're going to look it up. And if we don't know what that is, we're going to talk to HR or whoever it is. Boom, we're going to learn this stuff just like we learn everything else in our life. The other infrastructure thing is that your accounts probably need to be combined. You're married, you've got three kids. His and hers is like way too confusing. It's crazy. So in my suggestion, which you will read in the Money for Couples book, you will see an account

set up. I'll give it to you right now. In general, this is the simplest way to do is everybody's money goes into one joint account, one joint checking account. From there, each of you should get some individual guilt. free spending money each month. Out of the $3,770, what you might do is you might do 10% for us and 5% for each of us individual. All right? That's just a suggestion. The point is, now you start to have some rules. So joint guilt free spending includes things like

family dinners, et cetera, et cetera. Individual guilt free spending is like you want to get coffee on your own. You want to get some, I don't know, self-care, whatever. That's yours. As long as you're hitting your numbers and you're not exceeding it, no questions asked. But you should report to each other. Hey, I'm within my numbers. Great. That's it. That's it. And then you have total freedom. Some people go, you know what, I'm going to save this because I'm going to take a girl's trip or a guy's trip like 12 months from now. Others are like, I'm spending everything right now because I love it. Don't care. It's your money. And then you can always readjust it every six to 12 months. Totally up to you. How does that strike you? Ryan?

Sounds great. I'm totally on board. I think that's something we should have been doing a long time ago. And it's hard to look back and think how much time is passed in not doing that. So I'm ready. Okay, good. That's great. Perfect. And I love that acknowledgement to it. In a way, you can almost start to feel bad about what you haven't been doing right for so long. I felt that same way when I learned how nutrition worked. I was like, oh my God, why did I not learn this 30 years ago?

But you can't. The only thing you can do is like, nail it today going forward. So let's just do that. Yeah. The house. Let's just talk about this for a second. Do you both feel comfortable keeping the house for a few years and then selling it like three, four, five years from now? I feel comfortable doing that.

I think, gosh, we've been in here since 2014. So a few more years, we can make that happen. Okay. Jamie? Yeah. Yeah. Ryan has this vision of him and I making a house for ourselves together. and I think that makes total sense that we can wait a few years and move on, yeah.

Okay, that'll be great. By that time, you'll have far more in savings, far more invested. I do realize that we neglected one thing on your CSP. Did anybody realize something we forgot that's very important? Oh, yeah, the credit card debt, for sure. I don't think it'll take us that long to pay that off if we're intentional about it. Let's just be intentional like right now. The way I look at it is, if I got credit card debt, I'm not freaking,

eating out, taking vacations, none of it. My credit card debt comes number one because I want that shit off my back. So if it's me, I'm taking all the money going towards vacations, which is $1,000 a month. I'm taking some of the money from guilt-free spending, and it's all going to the credit card debt, pay that stuff off. In a way, I am teaching myself a lesson like, damn, we can't take a vacation for extra months because we got ourselves into this debt. So let's pay this shit off. We'll never get back there again. and as soon as we are done, we will take that $1,000 a month payment, put it right back into vacation.

How do you all feel about that? I've said this to Jamie before. That's exactly what we need to do. Ryan likes it. Okay, Jamie? Yeah. Okay. Any disagreements here?

What's happening right now? Some weird energy in the room. I can sense the disagreement. The disagreement comes because I feel like, and again, we're married, so it's our joint money. But I feel like that was his credit card debt and not my credit card debt, so I'm bitter that I have to pay. at all. Oh. Ryan, what do you think about Jamie's comment? You accumulated this credit card debt. I think you should take some responsibility for it. What do you say about that? Yeah, I don't think she's wrong. I think that there's responsibility that I need to take to cover that. And at the same time,

I also think that wasn't all spent on me. It was spent on things for the family, too. Groceries were put on that credit card. I don't know where all that money went. And I didn't know he had when he was not working, I didn't realize that that was being accumulated, I guess. I see. So I'm being petty. No. And I shouldn't be. I don't think you're being petty. I think this is a very fair critique. Here's a guideline that I like to use in my own relationship, which is I want to be really generous with my wife. And I want her to be generous as well. And I've told her that. And in a relationship where you're talking about money, sometimes there is yours and mine. That's just natural. But if we both have a core value of, I'm generous, you're generous, we're generous,

then this conversation changes from Jamie saying, I know I'm being petty, but that's your debt, and you should pay it off, to something completely different. So play with me for just a second. Ryan, if you were really generous, how would you respond to Jamie's comment? I'd say I'd put everything I had toward that credit card, paid off as quick as possible, despite how little that might be. I like that. And then go that one extra step because that last line, but it may not be enough. So what would you like to say or ask about that? I would like additional income to go toward it to pay it off faster. Okay, so ask her. Jamie, I would like some of your income to go toward that credit card to pay it off faster. That makes the most sense. Okay. Good job. You guys got there.

Can I give you like some words that you might use for future conversation? Yeah. So I might say something like this. I might say, look, you know what? I'm playing Ryan right now. You know what, Jamie, you're right. Honestly, if I were in your position, I would be pretty frustrated because you make a lot of money. I know you work really hard. I also work hard. And it is true. I ran up over $10,000 of credit card debt. And in my head, I know some of it was for the family and for the yard, but the fact is, like, I shouldn't have run up credit card debt. That's just not the kind of relationship I want to have with money. So I would like to take my individual guilt-free spending money. And I'd like to put at least 90% of it towards the credit card debt and escalate the

payments so that I'm putting extra money towards it every single month. I want to pay it off as quickly as possible. And the fact is, like, that's going to help a little bit. But I would also love if we could contribute using some of your income and pay this credit card debt off because I don't want us to have debt now or ever again. You see the difference in the way that I went about saying it. Yeah. A little bit more explanation, a lot of acknowledgement and validation, and also like asking, like, hey, you don't have to do it. I will pay this off. But I would love it. Why? Because I don't want us to be in debt now or ever again. Yeah, agreed. And I think that we could put that money toward what we talked about, right? The investments, the savings, faster.

Nice. Once we pay it off, I have a plan of how we will move that money back into this and this. And we'll cut up the credit card and throw it in the trash. There you go. Great. That's powerful. Look at this. I love this connection between the two of you. Money actually should be fun. Even if you're talking about credit card debt, you can make it fun. All right. Hold on. Let's just fix the shit right now. Okay. Extra 150 a month is going towards credit card debt already. That's good. That makes a big dent. obviously I'd like to put a lot of money towards that. I want over $1,000 a month going towards it. So where are we going to find the $1,000 a month? What do you all say?

Take it out of vacation. Okay. Yeah. You want to take it fully out of vacation? That'd be another thousand. Yeah, that's a thousand right there. Or you can split it from something else. I mean, you guys could... I'd say guilt-free spending for sure. Oh, yeah. I could take some of my... Yeah. I would, I almost wouldn't touch vacations yet. Okay, cool. Jamie, you don't touch your individual guilt-free spending. You get your, you get what you're getting, okay? Yeah. We're not touching your individual. You're keeping that because you didn't go into credit card debt.

But the two of you are going to reduce that down. So instead of 3620, we'll put $1,500 a month, you're going to knock this thing out fast. That's what I'm talking about. You can even go to our calculator. You can type Rameet calculators and you'll find a whole bunch of calculators where you can plug in your retirement amount, your debt calculator, and you can figure out exactly when you will be debt-free. Guys, $1,500 extra bucks a month. Once that debt is paid off, that was a lot of money.

Yeah. And I'll get my bonus next month and then we could probably just pay it all off. You could do that. You could do that. I don't mind that. The only reason I say yes is that I hate you having to pay all this extra interest to the credit card companies. But from now on, I don't want this thing.

We're taking a bonus and retroactively paying off bad decisions we made. No more. The bonus is used for going forward, shoring up our, savings account, building up our investments, even taking some percentage of it and going towards guilt-free spending, just like it is, right? You just split it just like you split your income. Yeah. All right. Cool. I feel like you guys are like on board. I feel so much better. I feel, and we haven't even done anything yet other than go through this with you. You have done something. The two of you acknowledging what has happened in the past, that's not

easy. And then the two of you really grappling with where you are today. You've really had quite a complex layered history. I can tell you that the difference in how our conversation has gone at the beginning of this call versus now is striking. Jamie, what do you notice about how you feel now versus at the beginning of our call? I can tell you my heart rate is going down and I feel like I'm breathing less. Like I just feel like I can take a deep breath and feel like, oh wow, I feel this sense of relief.

We've got this. You can do it. And that makes me really happy. I love that. Ryan, how about for you? Yeah, I feel less stress. I feel like this is more fun to talk about with Jamie. And then I also feel like this is going to open up freedom for both of us to really consider what that rich life can be. I think we had it in such a box because of what we were doing that now it's just open stores. Yeah, I love that. Great observations. Just having a basic system where if you just do this, you win such a good feeling. You don't have to wonder anymore.

Is this right? Is that right? Why is he or she doing that? No, just let's literally just follow these four numbers. If we just do that, we win. And now we can tweak things. It's like having a great recipe. Like this great recipe, if we just follow it, it's going to create a great dish. Now we can play with the spice and the this and the that. But we just know that this is the baseline recipe and it's awesome. I love that. Okay. What stood out to you most from today's conversation, Ryan? I think the biggest thing that stood out to me was just the lack of teamwork that she and I have. We've really been playing a separate game here. And as a result, it's putting us in a bad position. Good. Jamie? I think that I have looked at it differently as more two separate entities. And I think

talking about it coming together will make it easier. And I think I do feel more hurt. and more understood after spending these hours talking that he understands like maybe more where I was coming from. I really like that. It occurs to me that the two of you have been through a lot harder things together than redoing this conscious spending plan. And when things get hard with money, and they will, you can always look back and say, look, we've been through many other things.

We can nail this because I know the two of you have. I would encourage you to find some money and put it towards therapy. I think it's actually foundational for being able to connect over this stuff. And like right now, seeing the way that you went from disconnected to connected, to me, that's just like great evidence. If I'm you, I want to give myself every advantage. I grew up frugal as well. And one of the things that I learned that I am desperate to teach people is I fell in love

with spending money to improve my life. It's not something I do begrudgingly. I actually love it. I love paying for services. I even love paying my taxes. They improve my life. I love it. And so I want the same for you,

because I have a sense that both of you grew up almost as if spending is bad and saving is good. And also spending money meaningfully is incredibly amazing. So to be able to do that, whether it be with therapy, meal prep, shopping, childcare, whatever, the two of you doing that together will be like, wow, we are really using our money for our rich life.

We're going to get to their follow-ups in just a moment, but first, I want to acknowledge how far Jamie and Ryan have come in one conversation. At the start, Jamie called them adversaries. They were keeping score. They were resentful. You spent that, fine, I'll spend this. But by the end, you could see that they were actually building

on each other's ideas. Hey, let's save more. Let's move money from here to there. That is the kind of momentum I am always looking for when I speak to a couple. It's a very advanced sign of a team that is finally working together. They're actually building on each other. These are two people who are already successful in other parts of their lives.

And when you've already proven that you can be great at something, that skill set is often transferable. Candidly, in my own experience, the best leaders are often the best partners and the best parents and the best planners. The skills are transferable. So if you want to get better at money, think about another part of your life where you are already great. Now, will they follow through?

I hope so. I really do. Because no matter how many couples I talk to, I can't predict the outcome. Some couples do. Some couples don't. Some couples I never hear from again. But I saw something in them, and I really hope they make that change. Let's check out their follow-ups now.

You'd ask with the most surprising thing that we learned from being on the podcast, and I would say that was probably just how much we actually should be having to work with, that we are currently not working with. And when I look at those numbers, it's evident that we weren't paying close attention or close enough attention to what we could and should be doing. So one of the takeaways, obviously, is that we need to work together as a team and make sure that we are sharing with each other what's going on and are not just looking at the numbers themselves, but our thoughts and feelings about what we are doing so that we can always stay on the same page. We did have our first money meeting this week and just talked about things.

that were coming up and what we were going to have to pay for and budget for. So that was part of our talk. And we read more into the book. And I think another takeaway that we got very quickly into reading the book was just that we really are thinking too small and we need to expand our thought process. And it was a lot harder to come down with details on that plan of the what's your future, what's your rich life plan than I realized was we were thinking to basically. And we really needed, we really could think a lot bigger than we were. Biggest surprise to me was really the amount being spent on guilt-free spending. I think that between the both of us, not tracking it, not having that conversation frequently around money and what really our plan is with it,

it just kind of got away and really put us in the position of feeling like we didn't have any sort of money to spend. Some of the biggest takeaways, too, are just the importance of working together as a team. And sometimes you do need somebody, just like Remit, to kind of put you in check and tell you, look, you're doing silly things and you need to do better. I really need to consider like what are what I want our future to look like and consider what our rich life is together. That's certainly something that I think a lot of people don't consider or get specific about. And if you want to ever reach those dreams or have a dream in general, you need to think about it and plan it and consider what it looks like for you and your your significant other.

So far, we have done a great job of putting a lot more money towards our debt and should have that paid off by the beginning of the year on the path that we're on now. also been meeting once a week and kind of going over where our money's going and really trying to pay more attention to what we're spending and be more intentional. We've also listened to your audiobook on the way of a road trip and we've got about halfway through that and that's been really helpful too and opening conversations about money and what we've been doing. I think that it's going to take time to break our old habits. I think I learned that for me, vacation is more for my mental health and that getting away from here sometimes feels like the only way to really

take a break from my job. And I have to find other ways to cope with that that are us expensive, I suppose. So next step is to get all the bank accounts combined and move everything all into one big account and then just keep going for the future. It's been about six weeks now. And I think things are going in the right direction. Jamie and I have really taken strides to me and talk about money on a weekly basis at least once a week. So for example, you know, we might be talking about that there's a bill coming up for one of the kids' sports and making sure that we apply that into the budget, especially when it comes to eating out. We just ate out so much that we didn't really even know where that money was going. I think now, especially it's a reality check to us that we were

spending so much on just food. So we've cut that down quite a bit. And then also with my credit card debt, we've been putting my full paycheck toward that credit card debt. We were about $11,000 close to that. Again, about six weeks out, we're down to $7,600, which is great because I think as we go into the next year, early next year, we'll have that paid off. And then we can start to allocate and focus those funds somewhere else versus just putting in our things on a credit card and having to pay that off with interest. So I feel really good about it. And I think that we're on the right jack and we're going to continue it. If you want my help with your specific money questions,

you can apply to be on this podcast at IWT.com slash apply. Or you can become a member of my money coaching program instantly at IWT.com slash money coaching. In money coaching, you get access to monthly calls where I answer your questions directly on a private call. And I get the chance to go much deeper on the concepts of money. that have made a huge change in my life. Plus, you'll get access to a community of other people like you

who will inspire you and push you to live your rich life. Check out money coaching at IWT.com slash money coaching.