If I Speak - 101: Her toxic ex returned and now our friendship is ruined

Episode Date: February 17, 2026

It’s a dilemmas special! (Because the Special Ones have a lot of problems.) Ash and Moya answer your emails about: two student housemates who don’t really like each other, a friendship ruined by the return of a toxic ex, a depressed boyfriend who won’t get help, a good friend with a possibly evil job, and […]

Hello listeners. How are you? Oh, I'm very silent today. You can't answer back. Did everyone enjoy that surrealist opening? Um, art. It is, it was art. Um, it was me trying to be whimsical. I'm never going to attempt it ever again. Yeah, whimsies in my, you're not, you're not a, you're not a whimsical lady. That wouldn't be one of the words that I used to describe you, but that's fine. I'm not whimsical either. I actually have quite a low tolerance for whimsy. Yeah, fuck me. It's very like Amily, isn't it? I find whimsy exhausting and other people. Oh, oh, what if we were all lettuces and oh, oh, shut up, be serious, literally. Fucking bring a bit of gravita to your life, why don't you? Anyway, okay, hi, this is if I speak. We're now 101. We've passed the barrier. We're through.

We're on the other side. We're now an uncharted parts of the universe. And what will we do in those uncharted parts of the universe, Ash? We will have a dilemmas special. Yeah, we just, we thought, you know what, they've been building up. And we need to start clearing them up all regularly this year. We need more than quarterly dilemma specials because you guys have a lot of problems. And we've got to make room for the new ones.

We've got to make room for the new ones. But before we get into the dilemmas, I've got questions for you. Go on. I'm ready. I'm primed. In the spirit of Condon asked 73 questions. We've got 73 questions minus 70. So that's three questions for the hard of maths among you.

Question one, favourite wrap filling. Ah, too hard. Probably lamb swarmer, but chicken swamourmer is also up there with all the trimmings. Got to have a lot of pickles. You've got to have the pickles. A lot of pickled vegetables. Especially for the lamb, because of the natural sweetness of the lamb, you need a nice chicken element.

vinegar with all the sources. I think that is my favourite rap. What's yours? Ooh, I would say I love an Adana rap. Hmm, that is also a slumber. I love an adana. Cabab. Okay, question two.

At the moment, racists are getting mad at the Odyssey because they cast Lupita Nongo as Helen of Troy, which is obviously... Which Odyssey is this? How many Odysses we have now? This is the Christopher Nolan one. That's upcoming. We just had a Ray Fines one.

Was there? Yeah, because that's why he got really ripped. Or maybe that's the same one. Which one's the one he got really ripped for? My therapist tells me, ripped Ray Fines can't hurt you. Yeah, it was called The Return. It was the odyssey. Oh.

Well, look, they're real mad because LePeter Niongo is Helen of Troy. But it made me think, who would your dream casting be for the Greek myth and why? For Helen, specifically. Could be Helen, could be. anybody in the Iliad or Odyssey or both. Oh wait, do you do three. Do three for me and then I'll do three for you. Okay, so if we're doing living or dead, which I think is important,

for me, Penelope would be Jane Russell, who you may remember from gentlemen prefer blondes because I think for Penelope, you need someone wily, you need someone who's got that little bit of cynicism because her whole thing is playing the suitors and buying time for herself and her son. For Helen of Troy, for Helen of Troy, I think she just needs to have like another worldly beauty. So I actually have a short list, which I was just thinking about, which would be Simone Ashley, otherworldly, stunning, beautiful. That's really good. Lou Peter would also be on my list because I just sort of think she has a face unlike anyone I've ever seen and she's got like a proper glow. Grace Kelly in terms of

of her no longer with us. Angelina Jolie, I think insanely beautiful. You can see that face launch. I think she has played Helen, hasn't she? Has she played Helen? I might be lying. I'm not a lot. I'm sorry, was so stupid, by the way. That's Annie's favourite movie. I'm so mad about it because it doesn't

work if you try and make Achilles straight. Doesn't work. Doesn't work. And also a Chinese actress called Shang Xi. I think my Helen, if we're doing other worldly beauty, it's hard because I'd probably pick a random a model that like I don't know the name of.

And you don't know if she can act? Yeah, exactly. But does Helen need to be able to act? Is the question. Yeah. Ducky thought would have been one of the choices in the past for me. It's really hard. I know that Bella Hadid can't act because I've seen her in the beauty recently. Oh.

That's really hard. Who else would I pick? I don't know because I'm trying to scan my brain. for who I'd cast in this thing and I'm like blank of all Hollywood actors now. Like, who would be Athena? I'd pick someone, because she's meant to be young,

but I'd actually want to like go against the grain and pick someone older and wiser. I think Hera would be Meryl Streep because she's got this air of menace but she's also pretending to be a homemaker. Phenomenal. Phenomenal. Yeah.

That would be really, really good. That would be really good. I mean, like, in that spirit of like, can do menace and malice, but like, you know, has a sort of like domestic quality about them is Olivia Coleman. Think about it. She'd be a wonderful hero. She'd be fantastic.

She'd be so good. Cassandra, who would be that? Maybe Jesse Buckley could do a Cassandra. Yeah. A bit of desperation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who'd be your Odysseus? That's hard because I do think Ray finds is a slam in Odysseus.

That's a great casting for Odysseus. Who is someone who's always seeking and never, I'll tell you one thing for free. Actually, no, to be fair. The only blockbuster I could see Paul Mescal actually pulling off is him as Paris, which is the ultimate soft boy role. Stupid soft boy. Looking at his city and flames being like, uh-oh. I'm going to go out with an arrow and maybe I'll solve it all.

And then he does for two minutes. Who's a hector? Who's a noble guy? Oh. But also, hector needs to be like super hench as well. Like, Hector has to be the Paragon. Is it The Rock? No.

No, no, no, no. I think that the Rock would make a good Agamemnon or Menelaus. Yeah, that's right. It's a Hemsworth, isn't it? Yeah. I think Hector's a Hemsworth, because he's like, the only thing that drives him is family. Yeah. Being hench.

She's kind of like thaw, but not funny. Thor but not funny is Hector. Thor but not funny. who's Achilles Who's going to be so sexy Got to be a psycho Hear me out, Pedro Pascal No

No no no And I'll tell you why Pedro Pascal In a way For me would be a better Odysseus Because Adisius is crafty There's a wiseness Right

And there has to be a thing of like You know work smart and not harder That's Odysseus Who's young and brutish And can see him just fucking Like he cares about killing a fuck I was thinking Austin Ballard, but Austin Ball is too sweet. He's too fucking sweet, man.

Okay, then maybe he could be a good Patriclus, maybe. Yeah, Austin Butler's Patricklis. He has feelings. But, like, basically gay psychopath, gay, hench psychopath is Achilles. Which is a lot of actors in Hollywood anyway. Yeah. Who is, let's nail this and we can move on. Like, who is young, hot, hench just wants to fuck and kill?

Yeah. Who is that? Ooh. I'm looking at actors. I'm racking my brain and I can think of literally nobody. Who are some of your whole applers? Oh, okay. Hear me out.

Yeah. Hear me the fuck out. Don't say Timothy Shalmy. No. No. Michael B. Jordan. He would actually tear up Achilles. I think he's just a bit too noble.

Do you think? I don't think so. because if you think about like... Jacob alludes, Achilles. No. He's horrible. He is horrible, but he's got sort of like it... Oh, but he is really tall.

Really tall. Like, he looks like a Greek god, but he has this undercurrent of violence and like primal fuckery. Yeah, yeah. All right, we've done some great casting. That was great, that was fun. Question.

First journalist whose work you really rated. It's hard to remember because it would have been back in the day. do you know what everyone's going to kill me for this it was I read Catlin Moran's um

What's someajgie her book Has to be a girl Yeah like 15 and she's a journalist and I really loved it I thought I thought a column's very funny

So I think It was her It wasn't until later that I actually got into like journalism and journalism I was just reading fun shit

What about you yours is gonna be someone Bigger No man it was war on terror era So it's got to be Michael Moore See didn't we didn't We weren't exposed to

that. Got to be. We didn't have any of that. That's a good one. Right. Fire up the Dilemma's Machine. So how do people submit a dilemma if they're in big trouble? If you're in massive trouble, you send a dilemma too.

If I speak at Navaramedia.com. That is, if I speak at Navaramedia.com. Remember the rule? You've 24 hours to withdraw your dilemma. Otherwise, it's fair game. Don't be texting us or emailing us afterwards. being like, can you not read that out? Because we probably already have read it out, guys. And you need to think, we don't mind you venting to us. It's totally fine, but just remember

to retract the vent within the time period given. Okay, let's crack on. Shall I read the first one? I'll read the first one. Okay, let's go. Dear, if I speak, I live in a house of seven students, including me, we are a varied household. Most of us are LGBTQ plus. We have a few international students. we all study widely different things and most of the time get on great. One of my housemates and I have been having regular arguments, mostly following a festival we attended together in the summer, when it rained too much and he left without telling me, which was very upsetting and left me in an awkward state with another friend he had invited.

This was then all put on my shoulders following. And though I did accept some responsibility, I regret accepting it all at the time to avoid conflict and looking back I'm not sure what more I could have practically done for him. Since then I moved into the house, and everyone else has already been here for the previous year. This kind of problem persisted and new factors have come up. I try and stay as politically aware as possible,

both so I can help those around me as much as I can, and because I enjoyed discussing things I have learnt with friends. This housemate is a little ignorant to this sort of thing, and this has come up before. He has spoken about coming from an underprivileged area and did not go to a great school, and admits to having not ever paid attention, and has dealt with undiagnosed dyslexia,

and until recently, I don't think those close to him encouraged him very much. This is an issue for me because, in my view, his choices in life reflects his lack of understanding about the world, and when I try and talk to him about it, I get the impression he feels undermined. He is very audacious, rarely considers the impacts of his choices on others, and yet gets very upset and reactive if the roles are reversed. He does not share much without expecting an equal repayment of sorts, and does nothing out of a sense of pure altruism, unless he is trying to impress someone. one, which is vastly different to how I choose to navigate myself. My opinion is that he is deeply

self-serving and this really irritates me and it comes through causing lots of house tension. My question is, I really would like to settle this within myself rather than work with him, as I think I'd be barking up the wrong tree and it is possibly simply not my place to try and change him. When we get on, we get on very well and I enjoy that relationship. I fear that his impression is that I think I'm better than him for actively engaging in the world around me in the way that I do and unfortunately he might be right. I don't aim to get pride out of my personal standards and understanding, but in these situations I do,

and I really do not think he's aware of the things he does that I consider wrong. I want to avoid placing him in a hierarchy in my mind and maintain respect for him and the reasons behind why he acts how he does. But also, I want to learn to manage his behaviour within myself better if issues do come up again. We are meant to live with each other next year too, and I just want everything to be okay. It would be a dream to hear what you have to say on the matter.

Moy, y'ar. I don't know. Why do you guys keep insisting or living with people you don't like? Why do you have to live with people you don't like? This is my major question. It sounds like this housemate was your link to the house as well because you went to a...

It sounds like what's happened here is this housemate was initially a friend. I don't know how many years into uni you are, but you went to a festival together. It suggests you were friends, because you did that before you went into the house. So it sounds like the house meant with your friend, and then you were moving into the house anyway,

maybe because of them. And since then there's been a growing distance and you've realised actually you don't have that much in common and you don't really get on with them and that you feel a bit superior to them. And once there's contempt in a relationship, it's kind of like, okay. And now you're like,

But why want to live with them again? Why? Sure there's six other people, but you can live somewhere else and still be friends with those people and probably have a better relationship rather than you two existing uneasily in the house together where you're just resenting each other. That's my first question. Ash? Special one, special one, special one.

I'm not saying this in a condescending way. I'm saying this because it's true. You are young and you are a student, which means that you're at a point in your life where your world is both expanding and it's also very small and intense. And that's the great thing about being a student is that it's both these things at once, which means that you don't always have the best sense of perspective.

Like, either one of you, I don't think necessarily will have the best sense of perspective. And Moyer's right, I think that lack of perspective is resulting in you feeling like, well, we just have to keep living together, which means that I've got to either do all this work within myself or, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, you don't.

It's fine not to vibe with someone. It's fine not to like them. And I think what's happening here is that because you don't like someone to whom you are in such close proximity with, you have to layer on all these reasonings about how you feel he's unaware of the world around, doesn't share your values, isn't considerate, doesn't share, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And because you're doing all of that work all the time, it has resulted in a sense of superiority. It has. And I'm glad that you're aware of it. And I think that your email does show

that awareness. But in terms of the real advice, don't live together next year. I don't. You don't get on with this person. And that's fine. I just feel that you have talked yourself into a place where in order to have the right not to vibe with someone or not to like them is that there have to be moral failings on one side or the other and that's where the superiority is coming from and I think again that is a product of age and in particular like being a student where developing your sense of politics is really really important but not every time you dislike someone it's because of a moral failing or a political fault you can just not like them it's fine yeah it is fine and stop spending your money to live with them if you don't like them exactly okay I don't actually have

much more to add on that dilemma because I think I think we gave the advice that yeah to hear okay next dilemma then I'll shall read it out hi Moinesh help I'm in big trouble my partner and I have been together for about three years and we recently had a baby

it was just a couple of months into our relationship when I notice he has patterns of falling into depressive episodes that can last anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months followed by a sudden shift, seeming out of nowhere, after which his mood will dramatically lift. I'd say this is the primary cause of conflict in our relationship, as to me he's a totally different person when he's depressed. I find it very difficult to communicate effectively in these times. I feel he is passive, negative, standoffish and rude to me when I try to discuss what we can do

to improve the situation. I've noticed his demeanour affects loved ones around him too and it can be challenging to live with, especially as I'm a sensitive person that gets affected by other people's moods. something I'm working on myself in therapy. I need to emphasise that this version of him is very different to the person I feel in love with, who is extremely emotionally intelligent, patient and positive, hence why I try and be understanding and supportive as possible. There is important context. Last year, he'd quit a toxic workplace,

and he's been in and out of zero hours employment ever since, as well as moving cities and becoming his father. But becoming his father. Freudian slip! Sorry. Did you just chuck your desk over? Freud didn't slip I was like

He's becoming his father Oh it's over us for us all Um sorry becoming a father That being said His depression has existed long before all this So I don't believe it's entirely situational Upon my request

He intends counselling once a month In a male support group weekly But neither seem to make a long-term difference In getting to the root of the problem If I approach the subject while he's low he insists he has no idea why the episodes happen or how to prevent or how to get out of them. If I try to get us to reflect on it when he's happy, he seems to dismiss the problem, reassuring me that things are great and we're not going back there.

But of course, it's only a matter of time until we are. I've asked him to consider trying medication, but he's strongly against the idea, which is his decision, I will respect and accept. However, I'm at my wits end, living on what feels like an emotional roller coaster. And there's only so much emotional labour I can do for him trying to manage his moods. I'm already an exhausted mother of a baby less than a year old. I still love my partner. How do I deal with these constant up and downs?

It's got to the point where it's hard for me to even enjoy these happy moments together because I'm hyper-vigilant, bracing myself for the next low. So I'm going to take from something that I learned from one of our special guests, which was Jordan Stevens, where he talked about the phases of a relationship, honeymoon, power struggle, and then whatever it is that follows the power struggle. yet to discover. No, supposed to be passionate friendship, I think. Like, it sounds to me that you guys are in a power struggle, which is also being shaped by your partner's mental health. And it's playing out in terms of, you know, do I have a problem that I have to do with medication? Is this

situational? Is this a part of who I am? Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And I'm not going to give you advise on whether to stay or to leave because I kind of think you will come to understand that through this power struggle and how it resolves itself. But what I'm going to suggest is how to come to an understanding of that for both of you. I actually think that maybe individual therapy might not be the right shout. I think couples therapy might be the better place to work some of this stuff out. Because at the moment, you're framing it as it's each person's responsibility to go away and deal with their individual problems.

So you're supposed to be dealing with your tendency towards sensitivity. He's supposed to be dealing with his depression. And the thing that's missing there is that actually the relationship is something which is greater than the sum of its parts. And I don't think that relationships change very often because one person has gone away. to deal with some stuff. Like the thing that you guys need to do is understand whether or not you share

an ideal of what the relationship should be like, whether or not you're able to agree on a plan or a process to get there together, and whether or not you have to be together in order to be good parents to your child. I don't have answers to those questions, but I think that a shared space for addressing those questions is a hell of a lot better

then this thing of like, okay, we go our separate ways for therapy. And I think that there can be a lot of shame in that as well, because then there's sort of a narrative of, well, the relationship is shit because of me. And that means that I've got to go away and deal with it, but also I don't really want to. You know, I think the key to a relationship and staying together and it being good is that you have a sense of shared agency. And it's not all on one. Yeah.

And I also think I don't really have much to add because I thought that was such a comprehensive and useful answer, but what I would say at the moment, it seems a case of you giving him almost a limited ultimatum of like, you have to go and do the counselling, you have to this male support group.

It's not going to work unless he actually wants to engage in those things. He's going because you've asked him to go. But a actual change and work that he could be doing on himself to understand the problem is not happening. So of course, you're not going to understand and the problem, you're not going to see much change because deep down he doesn't really want

to address this for whatever reason. And that's why I think the couple's therapy is probably a better idea because as Ash said, even if you don't stay in this relationship, you need to work out how to be in each other's lives and how to parent your child together. And I think it's much better in a forum where you're actually able to like understand what the other hears when you're saying something. Because right now it seems as if you just think you're saying one thing. You have no idea what he's hearing or how he's taking on that information. He clearly doesn't have an understanding of the, like, the consequences of his behaviour and what it's actually doing to the relationship.

And I think only in a space where you can get someone to tease that out who's a neutral party, will you be able to communicate better. And again, I'm not sure whether that's for the sake of saving the relationship or whether the sake of trying to build lives where you're happy and not necessarily together. That's my take. I think that's a good take. Right. Thank you.

We fire up the machine again. Bebib. Dear, if I speak. For background, I'm still a university student and I'm part of the student TV. At the start of this academic year, I was elected to a higher position in the society, meaning that I'm now in charge of all of the producers, basically being an executive producer. One of the members and producers within the society is my dear, dear flatmate,

who I've lived with for three years and I'm very good friends with. we get on very well the overwhelming majority of the time. However, recently, I feel as if we have been butting heads. This week, I have been helping him organise his studio, which is fast approaching. His studio involves bringing in outside people and tech to stage a performance, which requires a lot of planning. A few days ago, there was a bit of a bump in the road, as we advertised the studio as a collaboration with another society,

which the other society was not aware of. Whilst the issue was ultimately resolved, a larger issue surfaced, He had failed to mention to me that this issue had even happened and I instead found out from someone else not involved with student TV. When I asked him later in a professional setting, what had happened and what had been done to remedy it, he entirely brushed me off saying that it wasn't that deep and I shouldn't get involved.

This quite frankly pissed me off. He has a history of avoiding drama at all costs, even if this causes more drama. This gives me a reason to believe he was reluctant to tell me about the issue as he believed I was approaching it as a friend trying to gossip, rather than a colleague trying to help. More importantly, this made me feel that he did not respect me in line with my position in the society,

believing he knew better and could fix the issue himself. There have been previous instances of similar situations before. Whilst I was frustrated, I tried to remedy this by a meeting with him again today to clear up some final details about the studio. I hoped we'd be able to talk about any potential issues or even air worries or frustrations. Instead, any question I asked him was met with, don't worry about it or I'll sort it without giving details about how this would be done.

It's also important to note that the TV studios themselves are very collaborative processes, so planning must be clear so that everyone involved is aware of what needs to be done. The icing on the cake was when I asked him to clarify what had become of the collaboration problem and whether it had been remedied. He once again told me it's not that deep. I attempted to explain to him that if an issue were to occur, it would be me and my fellow heads who would have to fix the problem, not him, and therefore it was that deep.

this wasn't received particularly well. TLDR, I'm struggling to effectively strike the balance between friendship and professionalism. Equally, as a woman in a position of authority alongside other women, in a female-dominated society, as in student society, I am now also finding it difficult to assert myself in my position over a man who feels who knows better. I don't feel as doing this in purpose, but I do believe that intrinsically but subconsciously he feels he knows more than I do and doesn't have to answer to me. It is then difficult to assert myself effective.

effectively without damaging our friendship also. Also, will it always be this way? Obviously, being a woman in the workplace is still hard, but even this is draining. We'd love the world to progress even just a tiny bit before I have to enter the world of work. Selfish, but would love if that could be sorted for me. It would be easy to dismiss this dilemma as trivial because it's about student TV, but actually this will be a problem that you will encounter again and again and again your professional life. It won't just happen with men. There will be instances where does happen with men and there will be sexism involved, but it will also happen with women if you're in a position of management. You yourself may find you're exhibiting those behaviours

against the manager that you don't respect. This is a question of respect. There's also the question of blowing the friendship and the professionalism that you've touched on. But at the end of the day, there will be people that you encounter in the working world who don't respect you and don't respect your authority. And you have to find a way to to try and create a dialogue with them so that they do build up that respect for you or work out if they ever have the capacity to build up that respect for you

and if not, what you do about it. And that is the difficult one because it's not one size fits all for a situation. Things that I have discovered is that people tend to fit certain archetypes. You have to work out, first of all, the way they work, what motivates them. some people

they tend to be very anxious they'll respond to things very quickly you have to work with them to show that you can be trusted to deal with things but also teach them how to slow down and delegate

I'm both of those people and one of the people who has to sort out with those people other people very headstrong, very detail oriented quite selfish

not you not like looking for like individual glory again you can't just fire these people You have to work with them. You have to bring them into part of a team. And that is the hardest thing of all because when you become a manager, you realize you can't just walk away from the situation

in the way you might have done if you were just an employee. You actually, it's your job to make this thing cohesive. So the question of what to do with this guy. First of all, there's the, it's hard because you could personalise the situation as a friendship thing, but I think it would be more useful to de-personise it and look at it as two archetypes rubbing up against each other in different ways you work.

And you have to think about, okay, what is it that he actually wants here? What is blocking him? Why are not reaching him? What does this situation look like from his point of view? Because even if he's wrong, you have to understand what he's thinking and why.

And that means talking to him and not just going like, you did this, you did that, and being like, okay, what did you, you know, what led to that decision? Why did you think that what's your thought process here kind of vibes? Because otherwise you won't understand where he's coming from

or why he's making the decisions he is. And you can't reach a place of like trust without that open dialogue if you're just telling what to do all the time because he clearly does not respond well to being told what to do. And there's people I've met, et cetera, dealt with who it's all ego and low self-esteem. And they're the hardest ones of all to deal with in a professional workspace.

Because sometimes you do have to just fucking, put aside the methods you'd normally use of human connection and butter them up. Like, you might have to do things that you don't really want to do. Ash, what do you think of this? Because it's a difficult one. So I think that there is a risk in getting too deep into one explanation for this guy's behaviour. And I think because you're experiencing it is very frustrating.

And it is a frustrating thing. you are assigning reasoning to it that might not be the case. So you're experiencing it as gendered. But there's another world in which he might be scared to own up to failure. And he's coming from a position of feeling incompetent compared to the people around him. And so he's trying to wall it off and be like, no, no, no, let me deal with it. And it's coming off as dismissive and undermining to your authority. Now, speaking as another person who's found themselves in management, which both me and

Moyer have, I've had to develop certain techniques for like when I'm in a situation where I feel that someone's just not getting my authority or the authority from which I'm speaking. The first thing is that I make it about systems and I always say, all right, this is how the system that we're in actually functions. so that you can say here's what's needed from you and why because they will have in their own head an ideal running of that structural system and the thing is is that that might have all sorts of

valid points and virtues but because you're the one in charge you hear them out but you sort of say but this is kind of how the system actually needs to work so here's your part in it and then the thing is that I keep in my mind is always I hope to do this by persuasion but I don't have to and so I lay out out, like this is how the system works. This is what it needs from you. You hear what they have to say

about it. You then say, is it possible for you to do these things? This is what I'm asking. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And then if they're still like, I'm not going to do it that way, it's like, well, you have to. And that's, that's where I end up is that I explain the functioning of the system because I want them to understand. I hope to persuade them that is the best thing to do. But if I can't, I'm in charge and you've got to do what I say. Yeah I think there's been I don't know

I've I've had situations in works places since going to management where there's been people that I've had personal conflict with and it would have been so easy just to like lay down the law and I realize that would not help the company because it would just be about me personally

serving my ego whereas what actually was better for it was better for the situation was to really make an effort to like listen to that person, furnish their needs, also have like strict things in place. So it's like, no, these are the goals that you need to meet. But say, okay, but what's the, what are your fears? What is the struggle?

And there's lots of people I've met who are the ones who wall off this sense of failure because they won't communicate with you because they're worried about not having met certain targets or not done something. And you have to say, we can't solve this problem together unless we know about it. communication is not a way for me to just even mark you. That's not what's happening. It's about making the system work, like you said. And because of that, there's been these situations

which have turned from personal conflict into really good working relationships. And those people have found a real place in the team as a result, which I'm very proud of, because you have to put your ego aside, even though you're hurt. I suppose what I'm saying in terms of, like, where you end up is if you cannot persuade and if you cannot get them to understand, and listening to them hasn't helped and accommodating them hasn't helped

you go, well, this is how it is. It's because it's always worth remembering that you're there for a purpose, right? You're there for a purpose and the purpose is to do the work, right? Like, you know, fulfill the mission. And there has to be some efficiencies. Can't negotiate forever.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but that's that honestly should be like a real last resort. There should be a lot of stuff in place first, I would say. just from my experience with it because it can get better and when it does it's really satisfying. Okay, next dilemma.

Next dilemma. Your turn. It is my turn. Right. Girls, I am in big trouble. My issue is with my housemate and very good friend. The reason this is time sensitive is because we're moving out of our beautiful shared

flat in March after X amount of months of co-living. Well, we've cooked, hosted hundreds of dinner parties spent blissful summer days together and my two male housemates have supported me through a job loss and period of unemployment. However, one of my housemates works in AI. His defence is that he works in AI safety, but he's just accepted a job to work in San Francisco for one of the biggest, horriblest ones. And I basically think this is like signing a contract with the devil. He really believes what he does is good for humanity and is meaningful work for all the other people who work

in AI safety. He's into effective altruism do, but his philosophies allow him to work in his sector. I've had resentment building about his work throughout the year. I basically stopped talking to him or challenging him about it after we had a couple of conversations where both of us just got a bit activated and upset. I also have this kind of envy. If I had his brains and statue in these fields, I would kill to do something that's actually good for humanity and society. He could compete to do anything. Why this? I've squared my resentment about it as effective altruism is a funnel for caring and clever uni students to end up working in AI. These people who care about people and planet are being used to greenwash, whitewash AI.

We have a very intimate friendship and a lot of love for each other, which we express openly. But this issue is stuck like a thorn in the soul of my foot. I want to talk about to him about this before he moves away. What should I do? Why? Yeah. Leave him alone. You've had the discussion.

Sorry, Ash, you go on. It's your good to dance about it. No, I agree. I think listening to this, so I've got a very, very close friend of mine who's someone I've been friends with since school. We see each other multiple times a week, most weeks. Like we're super, super, super, super close. You know, his job in no way aligns with my values. And actually, some of his political instincts don't align with my values at all. But I love this person. I would kill for this person. I would die for this person. Because we've been together through thick and thin.

And I think that sometimes sometimes people react to a divergence in values amongst their friends as though it's a reflection on them as a person. I need my friends to be in line with my values because in some way you sort of see your friends as an expression of yourself. And that's not always healthy. Like I think special one, and I say this with lots of love, what you need here is like a healthier level of individuation.

Your friend is not you. You don't own them. They're not an expression of you. The parts which are an expression of you are the fact that you have this very loving, very intimate bond. But that doesn't give you a say over their values, principles or life choices.

You have to be okay with your friends making certain choices that you disagree with. unless it truly is a moral red line for you. But just my opinion, there shouldn't be a hill to die on. I guess my question is, if this was a divergence of values that was friendship ending,

why isn't the friendship ended already? You've discussed it multiple times. You've come to the conclusion that you're not going to agree. You still love this person deeply. Why is it so important to you? And it might be for the reason Asha said, but I need to ask the question

that you make this person feel the shame about their work that you feel. Why does that matter? What will it change in the world? What will it change in your life? What will it change in their life? Is it going to have a positive effect? Will it have the impact you want? What is the outcome you want?

When we have these discussions with our friends, I think you have to go in and think, what outcome do I actually want from this? Because otherwise, if it's just, I want them to feel bad. I want them to have some resentment about this. I want them to have some shame. Okay, what then? right what do you want to come from that what is the political usefulness of this what is the

interpersonal usefulness of this are you prepared for the friendship to end it's so fine have the conversation but like this person's moving so many miles away it's almost like you think the distance is going to end the friendship anyway so you might as well go nuclear and fucking tell them what they think about the parts of themselves you consider the worst is that a good way to handle political or value differences is that going to get more people on sides or is that just a good way to voice something you feel they should be ashamed about, which maybe they should be, but they're not right now. Things to think about.

Things to think about. Those are my thoughts. I'm like, why does this matter so much? Yeah. I mean, it's not that AI doesn't matter. And I think that I'm worried that this is how special one is going to be interpreting it. The thing I'm saying is why is this a hill to die on in a friendship, which has been really life-affirming and good for you?

like you have to take the good with the bad with people like you really really do yeah and it seems like you already are so why now is my question right should we move on yes next one please dear moya and ash my best friend and i met a year ago due to our situation ships at the time also being good friends we bonded quickly over how similar our situations with the men were and it was amazing to have someone understand so closely what I was feeling

neither of these men treated us very nicely While the shared experience formed the initial basis of our friendship, we quickly realise how compatible we were elsewhere, and this has bloomed into one of the nicest and most fulfilling friendships I've ever had. This past year has been a chaotic one for both of us. My situation ship turned into a very underwhelming and short relationship, which ended in autumn. Though we both acted quite naively and clearly were incompatible, it would not say the relationship was inherently malicious. My best friend, however, found her situation should progress into something more concerning. They've been

in a sort of quasi-relationship with a constant fighting and abuse and disturbing accounts which seemed to tread into sexual assault territory. This man has caused my friend grief beyond imagination. Until recently, I've really believed both me and my friend have been doing a very good job of moving on from these

men. We started new hobbies, went on dates with new people, and their presence in our conversations had almost entirely faded. Two days ago, however, I found out that my friend was back in contact with her ex, who has asked her to consider a proper relationship. Since getting back in context, they have already restarted arguing, and even more concerningly, there has been another incident I would firmly place a sexual abuse.

My friend already seems less happy than a week ago, and will readily admit, at least to me, that this does not seem like a good idea. I really do not know how to be a good friend in this situation. I desperately do not want her to continue getting hurt, and I'm really worried about her. This is our final year, and I'm concerned especially about her life falling apart during exams. selfishly I'm also sad and frustrated about our friendship returning once more to being about entirely complaining about this silly man when my friend does not seem to make an effort to end the situation herself I also feel really guilty because she has quoted the fact I dated my ex as a defence of dating this guy now

I feel I've provided her with a poor example of how to look out for yourself and it is my fault if she goes back now I also understand how this addiction to torture feels given my situation a few months ago and how it is a bit inevitable this will continue until it blows up Any advice on how to be a good friend in this situation is incredibly welcome. Thank you both so much for your podcast. I always look forward to giving it a listen and it provides me much joy and interest in life. It's a really sad and shit thing about, well, I'd say being a woman, but I'm sure that there are men who experience this too, which is that you have, these intense

connections and loving relationships with your friends and your friends do self-destructive things that you don't have power over and in particular when this comes to romantic relationships which can be described as abusive like it's just it's just like a horrible horrible feeling and experience

I think in terms of what you can do my advice would be this which is you can give her advice on what you think she should do. You can say, I'm always going to be there for you. But there need to be some two-way boundaries. One boundary is that you need to accept that you can't make the choice for her. Like, it's not within your power to do that. And the second boundary might be that she has to understand that she's sometimes going to hear things

that she doesn't like from you. and if she doesn't want that, you're probably not going to talk about the relationship together. Like, she's got to get her head around that. And I know I just talked about healthy individuation, but I do think that applies here. You're not responsible for her getting back with this guy. Like, not at all.

She's kind of flinging that back in your face to, like, activate a sense of guilt to get you to stop pressing on her own sense of shame, discomfort, disquiet for where she's at. And I think that you need to, you need to get your head around the fact that you are two separate people. You are loving friends and you can do a lot for each other, but you are two separate people.

You do not make choices for each other in any way, shape or form. And the only thing you can do is advise and be there for her as this plays out. Right. Thoughts. First of all, so my. therapist told me, which is that often in your youth as a woman, 20s and 30s, women, women who are struggling with their love lives become each other's partners. So what I would say is when you're in these situationships, you used each other as the escape, the safety, the partner, that you found the emotional safety in each other that you weren't getting from your situationships and you built

a codependent relationship around your experiences with these men where I imagine you are regulating emotions through each other, using each other to self-soothe, not self-sooth, using each other to so you through this relationship with your friend have actually managed to move on and process and it seems like it's been a healthy thing for you overall and you've kind of got out of that phase whereas your friend, well, to a degree, your friend is now back in a bad situation. Maybe it's because you haven't been back in a bad situation yourself, but your friend is now back in a bad situation

and has reverted to the behaviours that she is used to, which is going to you as a place of emotional safety to soothe herself. You are where she says every thought, every feeling. I imagine when you were single, you probably text all the time and tell each other about everything you're doing right down to when you're the toilet. So it becomes this idea of like you're totally, William Neshd, and now your friend is back in the bad place. You are not in the bad place, so you're mismatched in how you're feeling,

and you are seeing sort of like soberly how jarring that is. But the codependence comes when you think it's my fault, if I could be a better friend or a better example, that she wouldn't do this, which is, as Ash said, not in your realm of responsibility. It's not in your realm of capability. You have no jurisdiction over her decisions. You can't influence her in that.

way. Maybe you can influence her just by being there, but you have no say over whether that would happen. You can't direct whether that happens or not. And you can't live your life on those terms. So if you actually want a real friendship with this person, you have to allow space for conflict. All relationships are not, the strength of all relationships is not measured by what happens when you're good together. When everything's great and all you're talking about is moaning about men and you know, there's talking about you're going to the cinema and how you're so in sync and you think the same all the time. The relationship is actually measured on when you disagree and how you handle that and how you handle the repair. And I think a lot of women are bad at this, to be

brutal, honest, and sometimes worse than men in terms of conflict because we see conflict as such as now like on par with abuse and it's such a jarring thing and we're so used to this idea that if we disagree with our friends or have tension, that means the friendship's over. I see so many women be like, oh, we just stopped talking and then we just drifted because I actually didn't like this thing she did and she didn't like that's the thing I did, but we didn't want to talk about it. So obviously the friendship was over. Why? Why is it over? No, that just means that you didn't take the time to actually try and create something that could weather storms. And there's a fear there that if you bring something, I'll be awkward. What's the other option? It ends anyway.

So you have to allow a space in this relationship of conflict. And the way you handle that conflict has to be really careful. It has to be loving. And it has to be like, you know, with love, you know, I don't like how this man treats you. I don't like the way we talk about it. And I don't want our friendship to be based around constant discussion and analysis of this guy.

I want you supposed to talk to me, but I need there to be boundaries with it. Maybe don't use the word boundaries because I think we use therapeutic speech too much, but this is just a guide. And then you have to say, you know, you can support her, but you're not going to enable her. Have that in mind. You can support her, but you won't enable her.

Different things. But you have to figure out a way to have these discussions with love. And also keep showing up. Like a lot of discussions that I had, they're done very seriously and they're done over WhatsApp and you're distant. No, fucking go to a coffee shop, have a chat. Touch her, hug her.

Show that you're still there. The best conflict I've had is when that person is in front of me and we're having a loving discussion and you can see it's with love and you're not bringing all your own ego and resentment and pain to it and you're just like, I want you in my life,

that's why we're having this chat, not I want to punish you. That's what you need to think. I agree. I agree with all of that. I think that, you know, I'll be there for you, but I won't enable you.

It's such a good rule of thumb. It's such a good rule of thumb. And I think this is the thing is that you need a sense of what the difference is. And, where's the line? You know, for me,

personally, like, where I draw the line between support and enablement is like, I'm not going to let you think this is a normal problem to have. Like, it's not normal. Yeah, and that's a huge thing. When your friend tells you about something, don't just go, oh, yeah, everyone has that. You can say, oh, I remember a similar situation, and I was very distressed in that, and this is what happened. Also, you don't immediately have to give advice.

We're giving advice to you because you've asked for it. But another thing I've learned is, like, you can sit and listen, just ask these open questions. or just give an example from your own life. Don't say how, you know, and then I would say it, because it sounds like this. And it's like, just like, I felt similarly in this situation. I do, da, da, da, da. I actually disagree a tiny bit because I think one of the things between them

is that these two women use each other as a mirror. Yeah, true. And so the one thing I would maybe advise against as being like, I was in this situation. It was like this, that she's going to look at you and go, and you're fine. Yeah, yeah, maybe not specifically for this. You're right on that. but it is sometimes useful instead of being like

and now you should do this and now you should do this you can say like you know this is this is not it's not normal you know it's not normal it's not normal okay last one

last one is it you or me I think it's you oh sorry I keep losing track because we're giving advice because then we yap right I broke up with my boyfriend

of nearly three years last summer For context, I'm 24, and this was the first and only person I've ever been in love with, and it was probably the most difficult decision I've ever made. There were a couple of reasons I ended things. You know, I was dealing with issues that put a serious strain on our sex life. We had very different attitudes to life. I'm excited by everything, and he's quite cynical. And we just come off the back of a year of long distance.

It felt like we lived our lives in different frequencies, and sometimes those just didn't align and led to resentment on both sides. Even when I was thinking about breaking up with him, and when I made the decision, I was never sure. and honestly I've never been through so much pain as those weeks and months following the breakup. It was amicable-ish, we never thought and agreed to stay friendly. I've seen him a couple times since as we have some friends in common, and every time I think, do think I made the wrong decision and cry for days.

I've dated casually since we broke up and nothing has felt right. I've ended every casual thing before it could turn into anything more serious. Last week I saw him for the first time in a few months at a party and felt so happy-slash-sad to see him that I asked to get a coffee. during that coffee we talked about our breakup and how it's been since and it's clear that even though eight months have passed we're still not over it seeing him properly reminded me how well we get on and if i'm honest i'm still in love with him during that conversation i found out he's been actively dealing with some of the reasons behind our breakup he started to go into therapy uh has a job is waking up early and on my sign i've done loads of hormone tests and finally have some medical clarity and i'm slowly coming off antidepressants which has really helped with my lack of sex drive i came away from the coffee wanting to get back together with him. I don't know if this is the right thing to do,

and I'd really appreciate your input. I know there were very valid reasons why I broke up, and I asked my friends about getting back together with him, they'd roll their eyes, but I can't deny that I miss him deeply, and that being with him makes me feel more seen and comfortable than I have been in the past eight months. I also don't want to play with his emotions,

as I know he took the break up very badly, and I don't want to string him along or emotionally manipulate him. I'm not sure what to do. Any words of wisdom or guidance you would have would be so appreciated. Yours are very confused and sad individual. Ash. I think you should go first because at the moment I just got like a feeling, like how I feel about the special one.

But I don't have a roadmap. I can't say whether you should get back together with your ex. I can say you should examine the reasons you broke up with him beyond, you know, the ones you've outlined. But like, well, your life's going in a similar direction. Do you feel like your value is actually aligned? All of these things. And then I think you need to read.

really seriously think about what would be different if you got back together, not based on hope or maybes, but like what, literally right now, if you got back together, what actually would be different? I'm a bit like, you know, you would date for three years, you're 24, you're very young. This is your first heartbreak. Heartbreak fucking hurts and it hurts for a long time. and I'm not sure that you're just not processing the heartbreak. It's not, it doesn't come at a pace like three months you're done.

It's, the fact you weren't sure about breaking up and the fact you're not sure about getting back together, I felt very sure about a lot of decisions I've made in my life. And I think you need to be really sure if you want to get back together with someone before you do it. Anyway, Ash, what do you think? You're less of a lever than me. Well, the feeling I had hearing this dilemma was that the special one is ping ponging. Yeah. And there seems to be a little bit of a lack of groundedness in how they're making decisions.

So there was uncertainty in breaking up. There's uncertainty about getting back together. There's very intense emotions which are like kind of overwhelming and are driving at the wheel. and what I'm not getting a sense of is I've really sat down and I've thought about it and I've been able to separate the strength of my feelings from a sense of purpose. And so the thing I would maybe advise is this, is that I think you need some time at a less heightened emotional sense. state because right now it just sounds very up here and sort of going from one to the other.

The second thing is that you seem to be hinging a lot on him doing therapy and your medical clarity. And I'm not saying those things won't make a difference. But I think it sounds to me a little bit as if you're framing the problems of your relationship is almost these externality. and once they go away, those big differences and divisions that you talked about,

his cynicism, your excitement will be different. And I actually think that it's going to be, how would we cope differently if everything was still the same? Yeah. I think that's a great way to look at it.

Because you might be able to. You might be able to, but that's a thing that you do rather than a thing that is happening to you. And I think like from from how this email reads special one is your emotions are hitting you like waves on a rock. And that's a bad place to make life decisions from. Personally, me personally, I had quite a big breakup between the ages of 21 to 24 and it was really formative in all sorts of ways. like, you know, he was absolutely a good man.

Like still is a good man, not dead, but like, um, his morals and his integrity and his heart and his way with people, like, suffused with goodness. But living without him absorbing things for me and being a buffer between me and the world and me having to make my own way in the world and my own choices absolutely made me the person I am today and also made me ready for the relationship that I'm in now. So I'm a big believer in early 20s breakups and their power. Stop staying with the people that you date in your early 20s.

Go live your life. Go live your lives, guys, if it's meant to be. They won't come back because I don't believe it. Okay. But yeah, special one. Can you deal with pain well? That's what I'm getting from this. And the answer is no.

But learning to be resilient against pain, especially if you haven't felt it loads, is a really good trait, one that I'm only just having to grapple with now. I think that my advice is this, is that don't make a decision until you feel more grounded. And my inkling is that when you do feel more grounded, you might see that getting back together

possibly isn't the thing to do. But I don't know. I don't know either one of you. It might be that you're fated to be. but you can't make that decision from the emotional state that you're in now.

Oh, a nice update we had from someone, which is they'd asked us about getting married and whether it was left wing and they've got married. Yes! If you have updates on your...

If you have updates on your dilemmas, send them in because we love to hear what happened. And we've had quite a few recently where they've been like, thank you for the advice you gave me. It was a really good advice. So, cheers. Getting married is so sick.

Congratulations. I wouldn't know but I'm sure it is It's sick So sick Okay We are so sick of lasas We're gonna Yeah we're gonna love you

And leave you Thank you've been listening to If I speak Tuna Tune in next week Bye