If I Speak - 109: How can I tell my parents I’m a stripper? Your dilemmas solved w/ Shon Faye

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

Moya answers your dilemmas with former Vogue agony aunt Shon Faye. Featuring: a graduate abroad who might have a saviour complex; a gay man who doesn’t know if his relationship is real; a stripper who wants to tell her parents the truth; and a relationship breaking down over Israel. Plus: how does Shon always hit her deadlines? Follow Shon on Substack: https://shonfaye.substack.com/ Got a dilemma? Email [e-mail] Join us at Crossed Wires festival in Sheffield on 4th July! https://crossedwires.live/ Music by Matt Huxley.

Hello, welcome to If I Speak. This is yet another episode where Ash Sarker is not with us, and I have recruited one of my best among not just my WhatsApp contacts, but in general, but also in my WhatsApp contacts, to help me out with this show. So please could you give a warm welcome that neither of us will hear to Sean Faye. Welcome, Sean Faye, if you are unaware, and if you listen to If I speak, you won't be unaware,

is a best-selling author, broadcaster. And former Agony Aunt as well, which makes you uniquely suited to the demands of If I Speak. How are you today? Yeah, I'm good. This is a very early start for me in terms of having to, the brain having to be on 9.30, but good. I'm a, I've come on the podcast before.

I think when it was pretty new, but actually since I was last on, I have sort of become a special one, which is quite, is quite, I feel like admitting to the fandom is, I don't know, a bit of a compromising thing. But basically I always listen to this podcast when I have to do long drives or travel for work. So I'm actually very excited more so than like last time when it was a brand new thing. I didn't really know what we were doing. You're invested now. You're like, before it was just a favour. Yeah. Now I believe in the concept. Now I'm like, please let me on.

Okay. Well, so tell us what you've been up to because obviously listeners who are aware of your work will know that you, last they heard of you, you were releasing Love and Exile, which was a bestseller and was a memoir come analysis of love and how we structure and conceive of love in our society. But you were working on some projects and some other things, are you not? Yeah, well, yeah, that book, Love and. in exile came out last February and then paperback. It's out paperback now.

And I spent a lot of last year like touring it. And I would say writing a memoir about like that begins with a relationship that you, that happened seven years ago and continuing to talk about it at Hay Festival, at Edinburgh Festival, like various venues across the country will actually drive you insane. And I needed to retreat. from public life, like Princess Diana, where she retreated from public life and then actually didn't and just kept appearing in public and calling the papillaxia on herself. That's where I'm at after that.

Intense experience of publicizing a memoir. And then what am I doing now? I'm back in education. I'm doing a part-time course, which I, we talked about whether or not I was going to talk about it, but I'm going to be shady boots and not talk about exactly what I'm doing. But essentially, I am doing a little bit of partial retraining. I'm not going to stop writing, but I'm sure that the listeners know that times are tough and it's good to have multiple income streams if you're a freelancer like us.

So I've been... I'm not a freelancer. You always get this wrong. I'm whatever. I'm in full-time work. The other day, Sean and I had a conversation with another friend of ours. And the other friend was like, oh, are you on pay-Y now? And I was like, ever since you've known me, I have had a full-time job.

I've never not been on pay-Y. Anyway, go on. Yeah. Why you're never there at the brunches that we sometimes have at like Wednesday, midday? Anyway, I, um, yeah, so, so I'm sort of, I'm retraining, uh, and doing back in an academic course for the first time since I was 22, which is a lot. And then I'm also writing a novella. I'm going to put the la on the end because I don't know how long it's going to be,

but I'm working on what I hope will be like first fiction project. but there's no book deal, whatever, and it's a new thing to be trying to work on fiction. Writing a substack called Idol Thoughts, please subscribe. It's enabling me at this point to actually like continue shopping at Stainsbury. And MNS food, which is my nearest supermarket.

Anyway, so please subscribe. Yeah, that's kind of, you know, what I'm doing. I'm doing a lot of book long. I'm actually hosting, I'm chairing K Tempest book launch this week at the Roundhouse. I've been doing, I was in conversation with Vincenzo Letronico who wrote perfection a few weeks ago. Nicola Dynan, who I know has been on the podcast. So I'm just doing bits and bobs whilst working on my next big project. Oh, and the other thing I should mention is my first book, the transgender issue, came out five years ago.

There's a fifth anniversary edition coming out on the 4th of June, and I've written a new chapter, about 18 pages about all of the changes and things that are developments in the world around trans politics but kind of intersectional politics since 2021 and it's not good it's not good I'm afraid I have one paragraph on hope at the very end but I've sent it to a few people and they're like fucking hell so um how do we feel about the obligatory paragraphs of hope because something I notice a lot in books from the left is we're always encouraged to put in the obligatory and here's what you can do kind of vibes.

How do you feel about that in the current context? Like, what's the role of hope here? Yeah, it's funny. I actually opened the chapter with the Gramsci, I think, Gramski, quote that Ash always mentions on this podcast about pessimism, of the intellect, optimism of the will. So I'm sure everyone, special ones that listen, have heard Ash talk about that.

It's quite relevant to being, I think, sort of like living life as a trans person right now, so it was kind of salient. Yeah, I mean, it can feel, it can feel a bit formulaic, sure, but at the same time, last year I actually wrote a substack about the collapse of the liberal trans rights movement.

And I was in quite, it was after the UK Supreme Court ruling came out and it was quite gloomy and pessimistic because I felt like I had been a fountain of hope for many years and I was like, I'm not feeling that hopeful and I'm going to share that. And it went viral. And like, TURFs were all sharing on their forums

being like, you know, even trans people are admitting it's over for them. Trans people were like, oh no, Sean Faye is really despairing. And I think it really shook me because I was like, actually, I suppose, when you just leave people with a sense of, like, pessimism, people really take that on board if you are a public thinker. And what I actually, I had to do a follow-up one that didn't go as viral as the really pessimistic one, being like, guys, I wasn't saying that we're screwed.

I was saying that the tactics and the liberal approach we were using has now met its end and we need to come up with something new. And there's an, it's appropriate to have times where we like mourn and grieve, like just how difficult things are before picking ourselves back up again. So I've learned the hard way that you do need to include the hope. Otherwise people do just fully crash out and then I feel really, really guilty. But I think what I've just learned is that you can't put, you can't fake it. It's like an orgasm.

It's a waste of time being like. And sometimes you're, you know, people, there is pressure. Like an orgasm, there's pressure to fake it. Like people, especially in live events where people will, when you're feeling really low. Like last year after, it was a year ago since that Supreme Court ruling, it was not a good time. And to be like intellectually consistent and to actually have hope that I believed in.

Because when I don't believe it, I do feel like a fraud. I remember that there was a period, obviously before the kind of anti-woke backlash, probably post-2020 where like if you did diversity panels, liberal diversity panels, like Blackjoy. and trans joy, there was an obligatory moment where you had to be like, and how do you, how do you find black joy? And, yeah, like joy washing. I don't miss that.

But no one asks anymore because I don't, I don't think people expect trans joy right now because I'm dancing with my friends. So, yeah, I think it, I think it, I do understand the leftist need to include that. But I also do think leftists are quite good at deconstructing and analysing and pointing out what's wrong. But the hard work is like what we can do. And discourse isn't the same as praxis, right? So like I've had to accept when I'm doing like political nonfiction that there's a limitation to like what my role is. like the book ends and it's kind of like now it's in your hands to take this forward as a tool.

I think that's, I think, I mean, we have to go on to the 73 questions which we're now, we're now doing a cold open of what the left can do. But I think that's something I do notice a lot, which is pundits have, I wouldn't say become in the minds of the public synonymous with the activists, but that obviously was a conflation of punditry and activism, especially during the liberal period. there's a lot of what do we do from and you're looking to a pundit. The full-time job is like a pundit or a political thinker to do that sort of work

and it's like, well, this person spends all day writing books and they're doing great analysis but like sometimes the analysis and the activism are not in the same package together and that's okay like I'm not an activist. I don't get off my ass very much but I can sure as hell sit in my armchair

and say stuff, you know? Yeah, I mean I would even go so far as to say like there are some forms of like real trans activism in this country and I am in dialogue with all of the kind of activist groups

and blocks and cohorts both direct action and I guess the kind of like more open march like London Trans Pride but with some forms of action I have to almost I have to almost think about

whether or not my association with it could actually not be more of a hindrance than a help in that I'm like this like, I guess, public figure, a lot of the kind of gender critical lobby and anti-trans activists are very aware of who I am. And sometimes me drawing attention to certain forms of activism isn't helpful to them. Yeah. And I think like shining visibility on activism in a kind of media and political culture where, I don't know, it's not always safe to do that.

So, yeah, I would almost, I wouldn't say they're ever contradictory, but I would go so far as to say that sometimes, as I guess I wouldn't call myself a pundit, but like as someone that, like, my work around the trans liberation movement is like discursive. And I have a particular platform as a result of that. I do think that that's complementary but distinct from certain forms of activism that perhaps need to be lower key. I agree. However, I was a pundit, so I can slack the pundits off. I had a brief foray into punditry before, like, in the 2010s, but I didn't like it. I think I'm just a bit too neurotic about the lighting in television studios. And whether or not I look good. It sounds really vain, but like, I just couldn't take it. As a person of pundit experience. Anyway, right, 73 questions minus 70, which we will keep as snappy as possible.

Because today, listeners, we're doing a dilemma special. we're doing a dynamist special so we will be answering your questions and definitely not judging you for a good 45 minutes but first this is 73 questions minus 70 because we haven't got time for 73

first one you're doing like 60 different things at the moment how do you make yourself meet deadlines do you know what I actually just do always meet deadlines that's something that's just

I don't think I've ever I don't think I've ever had an extension on a deadline. I perceive myself as quite chaotic. It's, yeah. I don't know, certain people close to me have pointed out that I have a false perception. Sometimes I'm like, I'm such a mess or whatever. But I think I am actually highly motivated by deadlines. So I meet deadlines by the fact that like if one is approaching,

I suddenly get all this motivation and I work fully. flat out. But also, I think I do do a lot of, this is such a boring answer. I guess I, um, I am sort of motivated by pressure. It's that dopamine, to sound like Robin. It's like, I just am motivated by pressure. It's the honest answer, quite boring. But, um, I also work in quite a bingy way. Um, yeah, I also don't take, I am doing a lot of stuff at the moment. Um, and I have had to restructure my work. So like I'm for, I used to just flat out write a book. Like I would take weeks and weeks and just work all day, whereas now I've switched to having to write 500 words a day every day and then move on because you can't juggle an academic course, freelance work,

and writing a book, as you well know. You can't juggle writing a book with like multiple other things. This is such a boring answer, but like basically, I don't know, my brain just comes alive when there's a pressure and a deadline, and I will just work to meet it. But I'm a really bad procrastinator, and if something isn't urgent, I don't do it. I don't think that was boring. I think it's good for the girlies out there who perceive themselves as chaotic, but actually, just need to fucking do it. Just need to fucking do it.

Just do the deadline. Okay, next question. What is the last thing that made you really happy? Listeners can't see Sean's facial expression. There's a... Well, it's because there's a real answer. Like, you know, you know what it might be, right? Yeah.

You don't have to say, I can ask you a different question. Oh, God. No, it's fine. I'm, yeah. I'm, I'm, I'm... Well, I mean, it's connected to... I'm in quite a new relationship. And I would say that person,

I don't know, just, it's really small, but actually I was, I was single for a very long time. I'm a few months now into a new relationship, and he's a very kind, helpful person, and sometimes I am quite taken aback by just how helpful he is. It's like really small moments, like actually to prepare this, for this podcast recording, he was here this morning and he like moved the table over to my window for the light and got my extension cable for me whilst I got ready and you're just like that's that's so nice isn't it it's having a boyfriend no I'm gonna ask you know I know but I was like otherwise I'm lying if when someone does whether it is a partner or a friend and

someone does something small for you that you're like that just made my day 10 times easier and I would not have usually asked that and sometimes they do without asking and sometimes it's the fact you even trust to ask them to just move that without thinking you're a bad person for asking them that. It makes such a huge difference. Yeah, it's just do a small kindness. Yeah, exactly. And it is true. It isn't exclusive to like romantic relationships. But I guess, I guess, I don't know if you relate to this, but just being like hyper independent, like with friends, like, they're not around as much. Like, I'm quite bad at asking for help.

Like, I won't do it. So it's, it's obviously the, it's the act of volunteerism. That, um, that, um, that catches me unawares. Um, and yeah, being assisted is, is, is very, not me being like, my love language is acts of service. Maybe it is. My love language is a, is a man who will volunteer. volunteer to do things.

Okay, last question. Worst event that you've been to recently. Ooh. I've got to be careful. I'm going to have to lie on this one now. I just got to be careful that I don't burn any bridges. I am very Kim Cottrell. I don't want to be for a situation even for an hour

where I'm not enjoying myself. And I've become more and more like that. Obviously, just being in my late 30s and sober. And having, like, I feel like done my time. So I don't go to things very often where I'm like, this is shit. I don't know. It was probably like, but I'm like crowded bars. I don't have any.

I will go in. I went to a birthday party not so long ago. It's long enough ago that like people, and they probably don't listen. But I went to like a birthday party someone I don't know super well. And they'd sort of done this thing where they wanted the vanity of like the venue was quite small. but they wanted the vanity of like loads of people have come to my birthday. So I just like walked in, you couldn't move.

There were a lot of men there. And there were, like, lots of like big men in public space, like filling a space just like repels me. I was just like, I'm out here. I was there for max 30 seconds. To all our men listeners, you are beloved and you're allowed to take up space. It's just not in packs.

Just not in packs. immediately we got like a load of men switching off and like and now I can't even go into a bar. I can't even go into a bar. You can but you need to like you need to like there needs to just be some kind of like rationing or kind of like like trickle, trickle entry. You can't you can't have like 200 of you in a bar that's designed for like 150. Anyway, that's probably yeah, something like that. Yeah. I haven't really seen anything bad at the cinema.

I haven't walked out of the cinema for very long time. That's the other thing that I like to do. I didn't know that. I don't know you were sitting there. I'm quite a hard call. Like I don't, I don't really like sitting through things that I don't. I'm not enjoying.

I'm also like with books. I will give a book 100 pages and then I don't finish loads of books. I like that. Life is short. Sometimes I've been so angry at a book, I'll leave it on the boss. I'm just like I'm not going to. Okay, you think I go, which is public littering, okay? It's not littering.

Right, right, right, right, right. We have to solve some listeners dilemmas before I get accused of any more acts of civil disobedience. Dun dun dun, this is a full episode of I'm in big trouble. And if you are in big trouble, you can send us a dilemma to if I speak at navaramedia.com. That is if I speak at navaramedia.com. remember the rule you have 24 hours to retract your dilemma and don't just reply to the email because that has happened and it's a no reply email you have to send another email saying that you don't want the dilemma read out okay on with the first one i will read it out hi ashen moya ash is

not here my friends are sick of me so i am turning to the big leagues for help i am deep in decision paralysis and hoping advice for my parasocial besties can guide me out of this hole. A year and a half ago I did what I've been threatening to do for a decade, packed up my life in London and moved abroad to another city to do a master's at age 28. This turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. I love this city and I've found myself such a strong and vibrant community who make me feel alive. Crucially, I found myself in a very aligned political community due to the niche nature of my studies, very rooted in place and shared experience and I've honestly blossomed here. I've got a strong

community of friends in the UK, but moving abroad and putting myself out there and challenging myself politically has been transformational. Here comes my dilemma. As my studies ended, I applied to a PhD in a very niche area of my thesis and got offered it with a full scholarship. It's a dream opportunity and part of an interesting and exciting research group. The problem is, it is in Manchester. I applied not really thinking I would get it and since being offered, I've been sent into a big fat tailspin because in my heart I know I want to stay in this new city. However, the nature of the work I do in my politics makes me feel like I have a political responsibility to return the UK. As activists in this new city say, here you can do activism on cheap mode because everything has

already been done, you know, rich networks of mutual aid, etc., which is partly why I like it and feel so inspired. Further, the locals are struggling with a severe financial crisis due to rich migrants from Northern Europe driving up prices. Broadly, they want us to fuck off back home. To be that happens in Glasgow. Sorry. I want to be more like these people. Oh, wait, sorry, I missed a bit, which says a lot of people I admire most who I've met have all returned to their home countries to do the work. I want to be more like these people, but I feel a sense of dread when thinking about returning. I suffer from depression and not enduring freezing cold winters for the last two years has been transformative. But with a dream PhD offer and what I feel, a political responsibility return to our cursed island, as well as well as,

as being a well-educated middle-class person with financial freedom, even though my heart wants to stay, I can't help but think it's the irresponsible and selfish option. Especially, as if I stayed, my option would be the dreaded digital nomad freelancer, which would likely give me an amazing work-life balance to invest in activism and mutual aid networks. I'm already building here. Can you tell I'm ping-ponging wildly between the two poles? I know factors from my childhood means I'm predisposed to feel guilty by everything and perhaps seek out self-flagellation with a side salad of a savior complex and therefore seek out other people's approval to what I should do rather than standing ten toes down the decision. I'm a big commitment phobe. Even though moving here

I prove to myself I can prove to myself I can take risks and make it work and find community. Why can't I trust my own decision-making skills? My oscillation between going and staying has been so intense over the last two months I generally feel seasick and all my friends are bored of me changing my mind. can I actually make a decision? Lots of love, a very confused, special one. What do we think? I think there's two, there's two like aspects to this, which is one, the actual, the actual dilemma of this, like, where this person lives. And then there's also the chronic problem, it seems, because it's probably this, this is just a symptom of, which is, I'm so indecisive and I'm paralysis. paralyzed by my indecision.

I guess on the first bit, I actually really can relate to this person. I obviously haven't moved abroad, but I think being a trans woman in the UK, I have the constant internal dialogue about like, will I eventually have to leave the UK if things keep going the way that they have been? And, you know, I claim citizenship of another country recently. and like that was kind of with a view to like maybe one day I will have to not live here, which is quite a catastrophic plan. But then there's the competing thing of like,

I should be staying here to fight the right wing conditions, especially as like a white middle class trans woman. So I do really understand that dilemma. I also fucking hate winters in the UK and they make me really depressed too. So they have my complete sympathy. but I just think I think I would say to them whatever you do here I think both are like ethically and morally fine

there is a long history of like of people you know building community in places different from where they're from and we can have an internationalist view of like activism and just because you're from the UK, it doesn't mean you have to build and contribute to kind of worldwide leftist solidarity building from the UK, particularly if it's injurious to your mental health. I think I personally don't think there's anything wrong

if you chose to stay with you, if you chose to stay. But I guess what I'm thinking about more is the indecision and the self-flagellation that you described from childhood and I think that is something that I think you could look at because, yeah, I wonder if the Saviour Complex and whether or not there is a sort of benign grandiosity to like your relationship to activism, which is, again, something I've had to grapple with,

which is like, you know, people really need me, I must be there when in fact you're always going to be a small part of a very small cog and in the UK, there's quite a huge movement that needs to be built. And there are also ways that you could support that movement from remotely as well. Like your body doesn't have to be in the UK for you to support UK-based left-wing activism. Like if you have more money living abroad, you could easily donate to activist causes and mutual aid networks in the UK

because you said that you would benefit from that. I just think there's a lot of like, I don't know what you think more, but I think that there's a lot of, um, what kind of person does this make me? Like the digital nomad thing, does it make me a good person or a bad person? And I think that's the wrong question. And I think politely it's a little bit of a self-oriented question, um, when in fact, maybe the better question is like, how can I be the most useful, um, in the world? And that begins, also with like having good mental health. What do you think?

I mean, you've kind of covered it comprehensively. So I don't have much more to add except it's very British. I think we have to be miserable all the time. And that if we escape that misery and are still doing something useful, it's somehow delegitimized because we're not miserable while doing it. I think that's quite like the level of guilt that we have. It's interesting as well. Obviously there's economic factors in your position as a migrant,

but this idea like I have to go back to my own country because I'm not wanted here is it feels to me not very left wing or like that's a left wing sentiment. If you're actually doing something useful, why can't you stay there? Why can't you? It doesn't sound like you'd be doing anything more useful in the UK because you'd be miserable. I don't think like good organising per se comes from just being miserable all the time or as Sean says, having poor mental health. My question is kind of why did you apply for this PhD? If you didn't want to go back to Manchester and you didn't think you were going to get it,

why did you apply for it? I think there's something that needs to be asked about the commitment phobia you mentioned and almost putting a spanner in the works for yourself just as you started settling down and building something. Suddenly you're like, well, what if I did this, you know, applied for this thing? Because a PhD application isn't a small thing. I know you're like, I didn't expect to get it.

I once looked at a master's when I was at that classic stage of life when I was, you know, I don't want to do what I'm doing. What shall I do? Maybe a master's obviously too expensive for me to countenance at that point in time. But you have to do a lot of work to apply these things. There's a lot of people to gather. There's lots of references and so on to get. It's not just a fire off to Indeed situation. A PhD takes time, especially if you're proposing something. So I don't think it's as blaze as you're saying. I think there definitely should be something considered there about your own actions and the passativity within them, even though you seem a very active person in the rest of your life.

So, yeah, I think, I think you should stay personally because you can always leave later down the line, but it doesn't sound like you're finished here. You've only been there two years. Don't fucking come back yet. Stay. Do something. Yeah. Yeah.

Do something. Yeah. I think if I was given a, like, if I had to tell this special one, go or stay, I think, I just thought of stay. For me, do you know what, really, it's the winters. When they mentioned the winters, I was like, yeah, real. I think you stay and you use you staying as a decision that you have made to start unpicking why you can't make decisions or commit to something.

I think that would be a very solid foundation to do that from because you've identified a problem and you don't need to go hand wringing over the time. Stay. Move forward. That's, you can always leave in a year, another year, five years, but I don't think your business is finished there yet. You don't have to be miserable. There you go. Joy resistance. Right, next dilemma. Hello, I'm writing to submit a dilemma and would really value your perspective. I'm in my early 30s, a Turkish immigrant and a gay man living in one of the Oxford cities. I've been seeing a British guy for about five months. We were never official, but we saw each other very regularly.

spent most nights together, had insight jokes and texted daily. He was openly enthusiastic and affectionate and the connection felt mutual and consistent. He travels a lot and that has never been a problem before. What unsettled me was this specific situation. After being away for a few weeks, he was back in town for two days and then left again for another trip. When I asked if we could see each other, his replies became very casual and interchangeable, like tomorrow night, lunch or after work, very last minute. Eventually, I replied. saying, why don't we see each other when you get back? And he agreed. Objectively, he was suggesting to meet. What bothered me was after months of closeness and not

seeing each other for a long time, it suddenly didn't seem to matter when we met during the only days he was around. I suspect a part of what I'm struggling with is a cultural difference. British communication often values ease, understatement and not making a big deal out of things. For me, that same casualness can register as emotional distance, lack of priority, especially after a period of absence. And there's a practical imbalance. You know, my social life is smaller, I didn't grow up here, English isn't my first language, and I can't do spontaneous trips because of passports. My dilemma is, how do you tell the difference between someone being easygoing and someone quietly deprioritising you? And when you sense the shift, is it better to step back as I've

tried to do or say directly this is not okay? I'd like to have an opinion on my reaction, if it was reasonable, whether I misread the situation, particularly when cultural norms and unequal mobility apart of the picture. Thank you for your time and the work you do, Sean. I feel like this is quite easy. I think, I don't think it's as much of a cultural difference as you're thinking. What this honestly just reads to me as a case of is, honestly, the way out of this is that you need to lay your cards on the table with this person,

like five months and you've essentially been conducting a relationship in behavior, but not in name, which I do think, at least in the UK, there's a pretty common practice of amongst younger people of doing that now as a way to avoid the commitment and the belief that if you don't label it, then the obligations to each other and the responsibilities and constraint that comes with an official relationship doesn't exist. And I think here you're just wanting more certainty about what you mean to each other. And I think the only way out with that is to have a conversation

with this person where you're like, I've been really enjoying the last five months and I would like more clarity about how you see this and whether or not I think you want a relationship, really. I mean, because that's what you've been doing. And the other thing is, is because you don't have as much of a network in the UK,

the danger is that you've probably been relying on this person even more and this connection even more to sustain you. And it's probably just going to be better for you if you just work out whether or not it's going anywhere or if this person just thinks that brutally that it's a bit disposable because they haven't labelled it because then you can get on with the actual work of like building more connections and friendships and relationships here instead of looking

to like this person to fill that time and energy and space. So I would just recommend having not a confrontation at all, just a really calm conversation of being, and to say I would like this to move forward. What do you think? Which is very vulnerable and does risk rejection. But, and I think the caveat with this is it's sort of like, because sometimes people go, and at least then you'll know, but it also might be painful. Like it's not like you'll just be like, well, now I know. You might actually be like, now I know and I feel like shit. But that will be temporary. Whereas a always, ready you're having to do a lot of interpretation and rumination and that's just an awful place

to be and I think the only way out is to is to talk about it. I think you're completely right. So I'm not going to give extra advice, but I am going to say, do you think that commitment phobia or I guess willingness to just exist in this like non-committal, non-defined space romantically has proliferated in the UK because we have like, breakdowns of communal obligations in general. Because I've been trying to think about this and, you know, my friends on dating apps and they're reporting that, like, in a row, they'll arrange a date.

And then the date just does not even happen. Even getting on a date is too much now when it comes to those kind of things. Yeah, I've been having, it's funny, I was having a conversation with my mum yesterday because there's, like, you know, like I have family members and other people in my life who are trying to date at the moment using online dating. I think like for some of my mum, she's just like, what is this? Because people are so non-committal, date seems to go well. And then people are like wanting to text being like, how is your day? I'm just watching this on television, but like not name, like not suggesting a second date, which, um, I think it's,

I think it's just a combination of a few things. I think like at the macro level, it's like this falling away of convention around like, like, even in heterodating, it's like men ask on dates, women are passive and accept the date or whatever. That's fallen away. I also think, like, I just forget that, like, the constant communication of phones isn't something that, that happened before. Like, there wasn't as much room for mixed messages because someone if they wanted to see you again, they had to ask or phone you on your landing. line. So like it was interesting talking to my mum about that because she was telling me about when she was dating before my parents' marriage, like I guess in the 80s. And people just had to

ask you at the end of, you had to arrange the next day at the end of the last one, which like people are so averse to doing now. So I think there's like the change in our comms. There's a change in conventions around dating. I also think like dating apps, like dating websites used to originally be, there's that book, The New Laws of Love. And they talk about like dating websites. in the 2000s or whatever. The only people that were on them were people that were looking for a relationship, whereas now if you're single and young,

it's highly likely that you're going to be on a couple of dating apps. And I think that the normal position now in cities and stuff is to be on them if you're single. But that doesn't mean that you even know what you're on them for or that you're ready for a relationship. Yeah. The other thing I would just, I think also, So the reason why more and more people are getting into these like non-committal situations

and connections is also because they're allowing themselves to. It's really harsh, but I know that you and I both have this, but you just can't, when we were dating, but you can't, you just have to be willing to say no to a lot of these quite, often quite attractive offers of a non-committal arrangement. you do have to kind of not settle for that for a long time, often with no view to whether or not it will result in the kind of connection you actually want. And that's quite hard because it's a leap of faith, but you kind of have to back yourself a bit more than that.

I think you're so right about, I also have thoughts about what has been successful not. I'm trying to analyse things. One, meeting people in real life tends to build. an initial connection. Not all the time. Like I still have friends who obviously met their partners on apps, etc. But there tends to be most of them, there's some sort of like in real life connection from one side or the other.

I technically met my partner via, I met my boyfriend via social media. But he had quite an investment in me before I was aware of him as a person. Well, I had a similar experience. Yeah, exactly. I think that it's that level of having to have some sort of rooting or investment in the other person or whether it's mutual that tends to create a, which is again why people meet through friends, through work, which tends to now stand out. Whereas when dating apps first came on the scene, I think there was more openness and willing to use them. But I am struck by the fact that, you know, one of my attractive, and I mean that in all sense of the word, like a catch. These catches keep getting ghosted or stood up before they even get on the date. They don't even have a chance to meet this person because it's sort of a range we'll do this day

and then they follow up and then no one, then from the other end there's just silence. And that to me is like a new level or a new expression of maybe culture of disposability that exists. And it's really bad because then everyone engaged in it. I do think dating apps have, I don't think they're responsible for the crisis, but I think the more that people use them, the more sort of avoidant they become because it is this top-down culture, if everyone's doing it, then you're all engaging in this disposability

and you're all engaging, well, I can't trust anyone. And it is quite interesting to watch and what does work out versus what doesn't. Yeah, I think so. And I do, I mean, I guess, yeah, on that, I would say the thing that I have noticed throughout my dating life from my, like, early, 20s, even pre-dating websites and dating apps, is kind of always known from the off,

whether or not someone's intentional enough that it has a real chance of developing into something. I've personally never experienced the like, what does this mean? I'm thinking about it, I'm interpreting it, and then that develop into something healthy. I've literally never experienced that switch up. And that can be difficult when you're in that and you're interpreting because the hope is there. Going back to the dilemma, I just think I looked over what this person has said again. And yeah, like, because it's quite clear because one of the things that he's suggested saying is, do I say directly, this is not okay for me? So it definitely isn't, like, reading it again, it clearly isn't okay for you. I think rather than I would personally say,

rather than saying this isn't okay for me, because I think one of the more difficult things may be here to take some personal responsibility is when two people haven't had a conversation about what they're doing, that's actually both people's fault. It's not the fault of the person that isn't wanting to name it

because it isn't morally wrong to not want to be in a relationship. And we can't all mind read the only way you can, you can like engage the other person's agency is by telling them exactly how you feel, which is where people are reluctant. And so I think it's rather, I would say, rather than saying this isn't okay for me, I would go for a, I've really enjoyed spending this time with you.

And it feels like I am, yeah, wanting this to move forward. And I would like to know what you think about it because I kind of need. and clarity on it. And but I suppose the commitment to yourself is if it comes back is like this person's just not going to want to progress things, then you have to be willing to walk away. The other thing, though, is that sometimes people, there's a safety, isn't there, and always being in a situation where you want, you have the fantasy of the other person. Like, it's always, oh, the other person is the avoidant or elusive one or the,

one that won't commit, but actually that playing that role of the person that wants more, and it's always unrealised, there's a certain safety in that because it's not actually the same as picking someone that's really available. And I don't know if this special one is one of those people that would actually be a bit spooked if this guy turned around and was like, yeah, okay, let's commit, let's go for it. But it's something worth thinking about is like, is there a certain kind of safety in these ambiguous half commitments for you. Yeah.

And the ones also where you get to feel wronged. Yeah, totally. And I am a former queen of wanting to feel wronged. And choosing the person that will choose you back can sometimes require quite a massive perspective shift because we get very used to the dynamic being one where we get to, like, ruminate and think and project onto the other person and to, like, imagine a future where it could be really good rather than actually having to build something in the now. And if a few rounds of that in your 20s, early 30s, and you can, you can really, it can become your normal. and then actually someone that's very willing to move it forward

in a very clear and structured and transparent and committed way is quite unfamiliar and almost a bit suspicious. Yeah, like you can almost read them as like a bit keen. And that's not fair. It's actually just like they want to move things forward. our culture punisters healthy connections and lionises unhealthy ones and then also lionises the drama that comes with it. Okay, next dilemma. Dear Ashen Moyer, I'm a 27-year-old woman who finally graduated last year after a long and difficult university journey.

During that time, I became a stripper, and I honestly credit that work with making it possible for me to finish my degree. Compared to supermarket and other minimum wage jobs I had before, stripping gave me far more time, flexibility, and mental space to study and the significantly higher income made life much more manageable in an increasingly unaffordable city. My dilemma is I've always hidden the fact I'm a stripper from my parents. While I was at university, this was relatively easy. But now that I finished my degree and they know I'm working more, they ask more questions and each lie leaves me feeling increasingly uncomfortable and guilty. When I first started stripping, I never imagined I would do it for long and my early experiences were in a fairly grim environment. But for the past four years,

I've worked at a club that is safe, consistent and genuinely supportive. I always assumed I would leave stripping once I graduated. But now, with a politics degree and job market that feels utterly bleak, I find myself wanting one or two more years of financial stability. I want to save properly while also having the flexibility work out where my skills and passions actually lie. The emotional crux of this dilemma is my family. My siblings know what I do and I've them never to tell my parents, believing it would cause them too much pain, shame and distress. I understand their fear and I share it to an extent, but because I'm actually doing the job, I know that I'm not harming anyone, nor do I believe I'm doing something inherently shameful.

In fact, I'm proud of the skills I've developed and how well I've done in the industry that's often misunderstood. I also know I'm no less safe at work than I was in any other low-paid job I have. Because of this, I feel a strong pull towards honesty. I want to live more authentically. My siblings think this would be selfish, if I'm I was continuing stripping, at stripping and telling my parents. My boyfriend feels it would be selfish to tell them, largely to spare myself for the inconvenience of lying. Maybe it is selfish, but I keep wondering

whether a degree of selfishness might actually be necessary for an honest, livable life. At the same time, I worry about staying in the industry for too long and limiting my future options. I wonder whether leaving now and finding another job might be better for my long-term development, even if it means less money and more instability in the short term. I would really value your thoughts on all of this,

especially whether telling my parents is the right thing to do and how to approach it. One final thing that feels important, hiding this has created emotional and physical distance between me and my parents. I avoid spending too much time with them for fear of being questioned, and I feel less close to them as a result. I'm aware of the telling us may make it sound like I want permission to tell them, but it isn't that straightforward. I know telling them would likely cause real pain, shame, embarrassment and worry.

I believe I shouldn't be ashamed of being. a stripper but I don't think it's entirely untrue to say choosing this work was selfish given I knew how my parents had been if they found out. I'm struggling to hold all of this all of these truths at once. Thank you so much for reading and sending my love to you both. What do you think? I've got thoughts. This one is tough and like I said the last one was easy. This one, when I read it earlier I was like oh god. I guess I know a lot of um I know a couple of strippers and I know people who do various forms of sex work and I've had, I guess, similar issues to this.

I guess, let me organise my thoughts. I think the thing that jumps out at me a little bit is I totally... I think I want to be realistic about the fact that probably quite a lot of parents are not immersed in feminist and left-wing discourse around stripping and other forms of sex work. And, like, I think probably it is safe to assume that this is not going to be an easy disclosure and they're not going to receive it well.

And there is a real risk, I think, of it actually creating more distance. It also, I wouldn't be surprised. I don't know anything about this person's parents or their values. But if you do decide that you want to carry on doing this, you're also going to probably, there's a strong chance that you will enter, you'll have two new voices basically telling you and giving you lots of reasons,

maybe including some that involve like shame and emotional manipulation, because they will, it's highly likely they're going to want you to stop doing this. And I don't know that your arguments, that it's safe, it's consistent, and that there's nothing shame for. about it, there's a strong chance that could fall on deaf ears because there's a reason why sex work and stripping are stigmatised. And I think it's just honest to share that. I think about the selfishness thing. I don't think it's, I don't think it's selfish to choose work. You're a product of your circumstances.

And I think that like moral judgment of yourself about like about being a stripper is probably just not going to serve you and isn't helpful. I think if you're going to tell your parents about this, which it sounds like you're actually minded to do. And I do understand that like constantly telling lies is very stressful. And if you don't think you can can just, I guess, lie by omission. and just not talk about it. You actually have to actively lie. That's quite stressful to have to keep up with that, and it will just create distance.

I suppose what I would say to is I'm not going to say, tell them or don't tell them, but if you do tell them, I think since you also said that there's a one to two year timeline on this, because what I would say is I think a lot of people I know constantly defer leaving a job like stripping or sex work, because there's never, going to be a time where the jobs market's probably not going to improve. There's never going

to be like a perfect time financially to stop doing work that kind of suits your schedule and probably pays better and makes your city more affordable. So if you are genuinely wanting it to be a one or two year commitment, I would make that plan. And I think it would be worth having a conversation with your parents that you can answer what the timeframe is on it. And to say like, for this time, like I'm going to be doing it for this long and therefore I actually don't, you may have to have that as a sort of armour to say I don't really want to talk about whether or not the morality of me doing it because I am going to do it for one year or two year. If it's indefinite, I think that will be harder to keep that boundary up because I think

quite a lot of parents will realistically want to apply pressure on a child to not be doing a form of work that's so stigmatized and that they have lots of preconceptions about whether they're right or wrong. And obviously a lot of people's preconceptions about being a stripper are wrong. I appreciate that. What do you think, Boyer? I could be completely off base here. No, because the thing is, you give such advice, I'm like, I don't really have anything to add. I think it's difficult because what I'm getting from this is the tension. The fundamental tension is that the letter writer really likes this job. They really like the job.

They're proud of what they do. They enjoy the working conditions. They say it's a good place to work for them. They enjoy what it gives them. And they are proud of the skills they've accrued. Imagine someone came to me and said, you have to give up your job because people think, like people do think I work too much and that I'm selfish with it.

But because I work in a industry that's unfairly lionized, I get away with it all shit, you know, because people are like, oh, there's, even, Even this is why there's so many journalists out there who do absolute crap and are like, well, I work in journalism. I'm a journalist. They get very annoyed when you point out they're doing absolute nonsense because it's a stupidly valorized industry. But if someone came to me and said, you have to give up your job because I don't approve of it, I think that would affect me very deeply.

And the fact the letter writer doesn't know what else they want to do at this stage in time, they're saying, oh, I should go do something. something else because, you know, stripping is, is only a short-term thing and that eventually, what do they say in this thing? They say, you know, I, let me find, let me find the exact thing, whether it will limit their future options, but you don't know what the future options are. You haven't actually got a future option in your head. You know, I wonder whether leaving now, I'm finding another job might be better for my long-term development. What do you want that development to be? until you have clear answers to those questions you're just looking into a void

and then you've got the known here which is stripping which you enjoy and you're proud of and you've got the unknown the unknown is not going to be more attractive or appealing the reason you're thinking about telling your parents I think is because you do think stripping is something you want to do for longer than one or two years and so that has become a problem

because if you only do it for one or two years you could probably keep up a lie like I'm dancing I'm doing this other thing oh I make money off my internet presence they won't dig too much but I think you want to do this much longer term than you are missing to yourself even and you're exploring that through this letter.

That's my take on it. I think you're right actually and I hadn't really considered that that like actually Maya you're making complete sense here. I do think yeah this person probably does want to carry on and maybe that yeah actually that telling the parents is a way to unconsciously create an average

to continuing because then it's out on the table, whatever happens. I think even if that is the case and you are going to tell them, I think it's to be like cognizant of the fact that you, I know that I don't want to patronise this person, but you can't untell them. And I guess, yeah, I, and it is difficult to cause people pain as well. well. And yeah, I think it's, it's, it's, it's just your, I guess you are obviously opening up Pandora's box in a sort of certain way by telling them and it's just to make sure that if

you are going to tell them you're emotionally prepared for a range of reactions. It was also worth saying that your parents might surprise you. not saying that they're going to suddenly be like, we're joining Swarm and we're going to be like, you know, like sort of like proudly like cheering you from the sidelines. But they might not be as hostile as people say. We tend to project a lot of our own, you know, like your boyfriend, your siblings. We tend to project a lot of assumptions about things onto people.

And particularly with parents, we can forget. our parents are people of the world who might also have more understanding and context than that we're not privy to. So it's worth saying that. But yeah, I think if Moyer's suspicion is correct and you're actually trying to create a avenue for you to continue this job indefinitely, then I think it probably on balance is wiser to. to share it with them. But I think the how, the exact, like the what. And I guess like maybe they're not promising

that you're planning to leave in one or two years is a good thing. Because then you're just giving people a fake time. You know, it's more honest. If you're going to be honest, be honest. And just be like I, until I have a sort of clear plan, this is me for now. Do you know what parents love?

if you've competed any sort of, you know, juzed up, if you can do poll and you've got lovely artistic videos of you doing poll on Instagram and you've been in a competition, then it becomes an art form. This is what I find so interesting. It's like pole dancing, people are like, pole dancing as an art form,

we're going to do our pole dancing classes. But if you become a stripper, then you're stigmatized. Yeah, I mean, it is difficult. I can't relate to this person's, that I've never been a stripper, but I suppose, yeah, I'm in the trans feminine community. Sex work is very, very normalized in pockets of my, like, social sphere. And I've definitely spilled too much tea to my mum before and realized, like, well, okay, yeah, I forget how different the value system can be around things like,

sex, sex work, drug use, etc. And I definitely, one of the virtues I've learned, as I've got older, is discretion and recognizing that I don't need to have an authentic relationship with my mum. I was coming at it from this angle, you don't have to share everything. However, I think that's very different to having to actively lie. And work is a big part of life. Especially if you enjoy it.

You enjoy your job and you're proud of it and you're proud of what it has given you. you have you essentially are a i suppose i presume you're not on pyee but you're a freelance contractor who's managed to do very well for themselves and got you through a difficult degree i'm not sure if it was any other job than stripping people would ever be telling you to give it up obviously there is different context i don't want to flatten it because of the stigmatization um but it's an interesting thing to think about i would say it's the final thing on this because we've got time for one more dilemma after this is have you talked to your friends in the industry or just contacts in the industry who have told their parents

about how they did it and the way they approached it because I imagine within those that sample you'll probably have parents who are similar to yours and it could both prepare you for reactions and how they've dealt with it and their relationships with their family now and also give you a steer on how to talk to them because I suspect you will end up talking to them this seems to be bursting out of you that's my that's my take um right last dilemma short not so sweet do you want to read this one out yeah i can do oh okay yeah hi ash and moya by the way i have to say sorry to all these um i guess special ones i was going to say complainants but they're not complaining that i am not Ashaka, so I hope that I am a good substitute. I think you're doing a marvelous story.

Love the podcast. Where else could I go with an issue like this? I'm in a long-distance relationship between two non-UK countries. He's something of a dream boyfriend. He's super invested in the relationship. We have the best communication you could ask for, and he's got his shit together. He's my first boyfriend, and as naive as it may sound, I've been amazed at how happy a gay relationship has made me. But the relationship has a problem. He and I are divided on Zionism. I have been doing my best to have a patient, steady dialogue on this, but since the alleged ceasefire, he has told me he wants to go to Israel with his friends. His response to my questions about the ethical implications of such a choice is that the war is over. Our communication has proved to me

that a lot can be managed with good communication, empathy and patience. but the gulf between our worldviews on this particular topic is getting harder and harder to ignore. I fear that if he goes, it will impact our intimacy and the way I fundamentally see him and the relationship. Is there any redemption for Israel and our relationship? Sorry. The last question, which is like, is there any redemption for Israel and our relationship? Those are two separate questions. Yeah, we're not going to, I think we don't have time for that.

like for the state of Israel. It's only redemption for Israel. That's that's downstream business. Yeah. Fully, this is beyond our brief. We've got a lot of gay guys in crisis today. There was another gay guy dilemma. We didn't get to read out.

Do you have thoughts on this? Before I go, do you have thoughts. Yeah, I do. I have thoughts and experience. Okay. Okay. So with Zionism, I have a direct experience, not with a partner, but with a friend,

who was a gay man, actually. who I was friends with, not for very long. We had started a friendship. And then October 7th happened, and I realized he would have described himself as a liberal Zionist. But in fact, as things progressed, I tried to have many dialogues with him over 2024.

And actually, if anything, he started to get, it's a little bit different, but he started to get even, I felt more radicalized into a position that I found, like, intolerable. And in the end, our friendship didn't survive it. The other, the other bit of experience I have is that I had a ex-boyfriend who once told me that when he, he scabbed on a strike. And obviously, I didn't end the relationship then, but I remember this, like, feeling

going through my body and the instant reaction. of being like our values are incompatible. Because it wasn't like, it was quite a long time ago. He'd done it, but it was clear. He told me like it was nothing. And I really did that thing of trying to probe him, really, really hoping that I was going to hear some contrition or some like, I didn't know as much about union politics or whatever.

But actually it was like, fuck the union. And needless to say, obviously, that relationship didn't last. And I, I obviously, controversially, I am not someone that believes, I have relationships of a certain kind with people across political difference. I actually, when I did downstream, I talked about it with Ash actually because I'm in recovery, recovery circles. There's a huge mixing of people that wouldn't necessarily meet and people with all different politics. I'm not like hardline that you have to cut everyone out of your life, even if for various reasons of their background or culture or upbringing, they have some latent beliefs about Israel that are repellent to you.

However, this person fundamentally diverges from you and it's causing you quite a lot of angst already. I guess I would come back to like relationship 101. You have to always, I think in a relationship, assume you will not change the other person. Who they are today is who they are. And most attempts to change other people are futile. And this person is someone who does not see an issue

with going to Israel for a holiday. And that is, that's example of his values today. and you have to do with that what you will. And there are people in this world that could live alongside that they're apolitical, you know, they don't want the Palestinian people to be subject to what they are subject to, but they aren't deeply committed to those politics. They're just ambiently like, you know, peace and love. It doesn't sound like you're one of those people.

Honestly, I'm not one of those people. This for me would be quite a massive issue, I think. So, yeah, I think do with that what you will. It's tough, though, because in some ways, if they're a loving partner, and given everything we've already discussed, it does feel like quite hard to really deep what this might mean. What do you think, Moyer? I mean, again, great, great answer.

I guess what I would add to that is one, when you're in a long-distance relationship, sometimes these things take longer to emerge that you might have fundamental moral distances because you're not around that person all the time. So even though you can find out key things about them, other key questions might not actually come up. It's the same way, you know, until you live with someone,

you don't see all the sides of them. And you're not aware of the ways that you actually might be incompatible. And I don't want to say putting aside the question that this is about Israel because that is obviously fundamental to it and the fact there's a genocide going on. And, you know, there's been a ceasefire announced, but something like 600 Palestinians in Gaza alone have been killed,

not counting the attacks on Palestinians in the West Bank, since that ceasefire was announced. There's no such thing as a ceasefire there. And the idea that you want to go on holiday there, I think, is says so much is incredible. What you have to decide, because my moral position might not be the same as your moral position, even though I think it should be the moral position.

What you have to decide is is this so out of sync with my values that I can't continue being with this person and that's what Sean has said as well and I think deep down you already know for example I'll give an example I was dating someone for a bit and I already had the sense we were kind of incompatible

just because of the way things we found funny and I think they felt the same but it really the moment I was like I can't keep seeing this person at all is when they told me and I might have mentioned I can't remember when they told me about something they wanted to do and their way of funding it was,

it was a personal thing they wanted to a personal project and their way they were going to fund it was becoming an Airbnb landlord. I'm laughing because I remember this. I just remember you kept mentioning and I was like, anyway, yeah, I was like, she's got a bunch of me, Airbnb, anyway. How could I not?

And there's lots of people in this world for who that would not be more, at odds with their own stance or they could live alongside it, I could not. It was fundamentally incompatible with my particular values. There is no way we could have built a life together with that issue between us

because it just shows such a difference in the way we see the world and what we consider important and where our moral compasses sit. And I think you already know where you are on this, you know. There's empty... You say, yeah, go on, Sean. I think the other thing is,

is that like imagine that this person he goes to Israel on his holiday, he's what sharing it on his Instagram stories or whatever, like, how are you going to feel when he gets back? Because personally, I would feel this kind of weird resentment. And again, I gave that story of the union and the scabbing, but like, it was, like, I don't want to get into too much, but it was exemplar of, like, like Moira said, of fundamental political differences that showed up in other ways that, that, that, about this how this person viewed the world and what I actually just kept finding was like, in the end, it was just like, I don't respect this person. Like, I'm afraid to lose the connection because

they love me, are, you know, like present, want to be my partner. But fundamentally, you know, I didn't respect their values. And that's not a nice position to be in. And the urge to want to change that to fix and to do the cognitive dissonance of being like, I can explain to this person. Like, really, you kind of want someone showing up, like, you know, having their own autonomous values that chime with yours. There might be certain things where we are encouraged by our partner to be more, um, to be better versions of ourselves to hold more standard.

Yeah. And to deeply, to more deeply abide with our principles. principles and that can be a really nice thing of friendships, relationships, everything. But yeah, fundamentally, if you're hoping someone's going to change, I would drop that hope and just work with like who they are today. And yeah, for me, this would be way beyond my line. But because otherwise you end up, otherwise you end up a campaigner rather than a partner. and that just doesn't work

fundamentally in relationships if you're campaigning at someone, unfortunately. And on that note, no holidays to Israel for us. Sorry, they thought of buying a ticket to go to a leisurely vacation. I think it's for me because obviously like, I don't know,

maybe this is a wrong idea, but I'm just like imagining like being sat at home, like tapping because if this is gay guys, I don't want to stereotype, but, like, what, just seeing him and his friends, like, on the beach and, like, like, like, like, around Tel Avip. No, thanks. Not for me, Gov.

No, but Israel's pink-wishing, wow. What a marketing campaign. They've really done, they've really done the big one with that. Okay, that's the end of us giving out advice and a bit of judgment. Sean, thank you so much for coming on. I think our listeners will have really benefited from, I barely had to. say anything on those problems because you're so good at giving out advice.

That's really nice. I'm now obviously sat here being like, oh my God, am I, have I said anything that's going to like someone's going to be like, she said the wrong thing, she's going to ruin that person's life. But whatever, well, it's done now. Good luck to everyone. In all my years of if I speak, which only about two years, I think, but we've only ever had one special one right back and say,

that was actually really rude to what he said. They were like, you were very uncharitable. because we told them to butt out of someone else's business, I think. But one out of the amount of times we've done that is pretty good going. Yeah, well done. Thanks for having me. Thank you very much, Sean Faye, and special ones. We'll be back, I think, next week.

Or maybe we won't. I don't know. I've got no handle on life or schedules at the moment. But the next time you hear is on air, I think Ash Stark will back in the chair. Have a lovely day. Bye. In the shadow of power In one of the richest cities on earth A man dies Homeless and unseen

Julia Remish died In an underpass in Westminster Just metres away from the building To the govern Britain Around him were empty homes Dark, locked, untouched How can someone lose everything In the heart of so much wealth

Follow that question And it leads to a history, hidden world of money, secrecy and power, a system that decides who gets at home and who doesn't. This is the kind of place for that relationship between dirty money and the city and the kind of dark money that goes into political machine, kind of mish.

Where could this lead? Where does it end? What else can we become desensitized to? I'm Kojo Karam, writer and researcher. And since 2018, this story has haunted me. Death in Westminster is a four-part series from Navarra Media, produced by Planet B productions. Listen to Death in Westminster now in the Navarra Media podcast feed.