If I Speak - 112: Should you chase a holiday romance?

Episode Date: May 12, 2026

Ash went to the Songkran water fight in Thailand and now has a few questions about health and safety culture. Where do we draw the line between personal safety and freedom to take risks? Plus: should you chase a holiday romance? Come to see us at Crossed Wires in Sheffield on 4th July! Tickets available here: https://crossedwires.live Send us your dilemmas: [e-mail] Music by Matt Huxley.

Hello And welcome to If I Speak, the podcast for which I keep inventing new taglines, and I don't have one today. With me, as always, is co-pilot, comrade, co-conspirator. Hello. Moia Lothian McLean. How you doing? I have had permanent bags under my eyes for about four weeks now, very puffy. very puffy, not very demure, very cortisol. However, by the time you hear this,

I will recently be back from a holiday, an actual holiday in which I'm not taking my laptop. But I do think I need like three weeks to get rid of these bags. I'm so puffy. And next, Mary. Anyway, it's stress. It's stress. But you know the best way to relax, I hear?

What's that? To answer questions which are designed for the quick fire round of this show. let's do that all right so this is our regular scheduled segment 73 questions minus 70 question one i listened to both episodes of the podcast while i was away because i have a poor sense of boundaries and i really enjoyed them what do you think each co-host brought to the pod in terms of style and perspective what and how is it different ash why are you you get me to do an appraisal? I just want to know what you made of it

because I really enjoyed it. Okay. What did everyone bring to the podcast? Obviously, I think Sean brings an intelligence and insight that is just, I want to say

I'm parallel, but I also think you have it in a different way, but it is of a different tenor to yours. So it really it really balances out. I felt like She, she, she, what would I say there? She also, we just key.

We're really good at keying. So there's a, there's a real key energy when we get together. But yeah, she's, she's doing a lot of work on sort of like, you know, helping people at the moment. So I felt like all of those things came together and it was a great dilemmas episode. As for Will, they're just so, they've lived so many lives. they've lived so many lives they're so calm and they have this real introspectiveness now

and self-awareness that I think is just very as they said calming to listen to but also doesn't gloss over the sort of part of their lifestyle that means that they've fallen on good fortune

in places where some other people haven't they're very candid they're very candid very open very generous as well and they give a lot of grace but they also don't suffer fools so I feel like they don't bullshit

I really I really like that and just a very yeah like I said on there that you know the pundit world did miss out when they decided they weren't going to do punditry lost a real one yeah they're very smart and they're smart in a way that

they don't have to prove it all the time they just do it and very empathetic I think both of them are very empathetic but Will is Sean and I can get like judgmental which I think is fun in a different way. Oh you need like I think that you need a bit of being judgmental

because that's how you demonstrate the quality of discernment. Second question. What was the last novel that you read and did you like it? Fuck. I haven't really been reading or listening to music because of my work. Occasionally I do. But the last novel I read was ages ago. It's not even...

No, it was just. Gem Cald it was I wouldn't you to be happy. I loved it. But I loved it because it was just a reflection of lives that you know. It's about, it's coming up very soon. And it is about a 35-year-old man who starts dating a 22-year-old woman after the breakup of his engagement. And it is a very good portrait of a young person dating someone much older who they look up to and feels very mysterious and distant from them. I don't know if I mentioned this before,

very mysterious and distant from them because they can't make sense of the behavior because they're perceiving them as someone who has their shit together and is really cool and all this, when actually the person is like a depressed alcoholic who is falling apart and that's where the distance is actually coming from. Is this person aloof or just depressed?

Exactly. Is this person aloof or are they unable to communicate their feelings and is that why they at 35 are dating a 25 like 22 year old, you know. It's not for all cases, but it's for some. When there's this gap in life experience, you see them in a very different way and you understand them in a very different way and you see them as, you know,

they don't approve, they think I'm silly when it's actually something different. It's like, if you don't have anything to talk about and you don't understand them, you have to start asking, why are we dating? Many, many such cases. Yeah, so that was that one of the rights. Very good.

Okay. because we are in the midst of bank holiday season by the time this comes out. What's the best bank holiday of the year? And I'm going to rattle through the ones that there are just in case you didn't have it off the top of your head. There's New Year's Day. There's Good Friday. There's Easter Monday. There's early May.

There's late May. There's late August. There's Christmas Day. There's boxing day. It's too hard. I'm very partial to the Easter. very partial to Easter because this year was fucking great

it was really long. Lovely. However, I think you can't really argue with the summer bank holiday. And I don't think it's the last one because the last one drives fear into me because it's almost like an extended Sunday and yeah, carnival happens and all of that but it's like the heat of summer,

everyone's tired, there's a bit of feral energy. That can be really fun but it's not my favourite because it does feel like a Sunday where you are going to get a massive hangover and you know, you have to go into work the next day. The Monday becomes.

comes the Sunday and everyone forgets. So I think I'm going to have to go for, what's the one before the Carnival one? May. Late May. I'm going to have to go for late May, I think. I agree. I agree. I think it's the late May. Yeah, it's hot, it's lovely, there's a promise in the air.

You know, it's a bit of a summer kickoff. Exactly, it's the kickoff rather than the closing party. Also, I found out the best fact about Carnival recently, but you all have to read. Well, it's in this amazingly new book by Zachia's, Sewell called Finding Albion, which is all about myths and folklore. It's really good. And, you know, you'll see it everywhere. I'm sure she'll be on somewhere else in Navarra because it's right of your street. But she's writing about the origins of Notting Hill Carnival.

And everyone's like, it's Claudia Jones. It kind of wasn't Gloria Jones. She did it in the hall. And then a Trinidadian activist started the street Notting Hill Carnival, as we know it. And Notting Hill Carnivals, you know, first of all, it's really drawn from Trinidadian Carnivals. But those carnivals in Trinidad were originally put on by the planter class. And black people weren't allowed to take part in them. And they featured like masquerades, we now know as like mass. But they featured masquerades where the planter class would also make fun of the enslaved. And they would use blackface.

And it was a way to, again, remind this enslaved class of who was in control, who had leisure. And then after emancipation, the formerly enslaved populations took on the masquerade. used it a way to flip around the power dynamics and would make fun of the planter class, and it became the masquerades that we know today. That was then exported to the UK. And when the very first Notting Hill Carnivores put on, not only did it use these folk traditions, which Zakiya calls folk echoes, that had gone, you know, to, that the Brits had exported to Trinidad

and then had been exported back through, you know, the descendants of the enslaved. The one in Notting Hill Carnival was, build is also a mix of like old English fair and there was Irish dancing, there was a fire engine, there was like, you know, other folk customs that were associated in England. So it's this amazing mashup of all these folk traditions that go in and out across the colony and empire and back and they like have switched positions about their meaning. And I just thought it was it's such a good book. Finding Albian, definitely read it. I will check it out. What a great response to the what is your favorite bank holiday question.

Moyer said you've got to learn today. You've got to learn. Well, my favorite types of books are the ones that you read and you come away and you're like, you have a nugget that you want to share with everyone else. The golden nugget effect. And you'll have a nugget for me. I do have a nugget for you.

I have a big nugget. I have a big theory. So, as listeners know, I recently came back from holiday. And when I was in Thailand, Songkran happened. And Songkran, for those who don't know, is Thai New Year. And there's a whole spiritual dimension. It's about sort of like purity and like, you know, sloughing off the old from the year before, embracing the new. And the tradition, one of them, is to splash water on people. Now, you might think that this is a little sprinkle. nay nay. What it actually means in practice is that in all of Thailand's major cities,

you just have these huge waterfights, citywide water fights. And where we were in Changmai, which is sort of like the heart of Songran, it's like very much a northern Thailand thing, which then got sort of embraced by the rest of the country. In Chiang Mai, outside every single shop front is someone with a hose or a huge bucket like a vat. ready to douse you in water as you go past. So it's not like, ah, sprinkle, sprinkle. You will look like a drowned rat within about five minutes. And the layout of Chiang Mai is that there is this square moat that goes all around the old

town. And around that moat is a square ring road. And it's just lined with people with like vats of like the moat water, like kids with super soakers, like, you know, old dudes are. taking part, people selling water guns, and then on the roads themselves are just like, it's packed with pickup trucks. Like, it's Toyota Highlux after Toyota Highlux. And on the beds of the pickup trucks is just people like dancing and drenching absolutely

anyone who gets in range. And the other thing that's traditional is that people make a paste of rice flour and water and like after splashing you, they'll like very gently stroke someone to your face as a way of like wishing happy songcrown. So me and my husband spent like, like, like four days roaming the city with Super Soakers. And it felt a bit like you're playing Call of Duty. It's like, you know, one's in the van and one's in the rear.

Like proper like Bonnie and Clyde shit. And I discovered about myself that I am a dead shot for headshots. And I'm really proud of it. I just can't stop doing headshots. Like it doesn't matter what distance. I'm a natural born sniper. Just like. Bamma,

bam. And it was so much fun. And I think one of the reasons why it's so fun is that it was. a way of interacting with Thai people outside of the service economy. Like in Thailand, like the tourist economy is so developed, it sort of just like wraps around you. And I think that there is an aspect of it which almost like keeps like the lived experience of Thai culture a bit away from tourists.

It's sort of hard to interact with. But this is a way to interact with Thai people outside of the service economy without being able to speak the same language. So you'd get into these like running battles with little kids who are like hiding around corners or like the sort of thing to do is like there are these uncles who get buckets of ice water to like tip down your back and it is like 38 degrees so it's like nice to be called down but ice water down your back is still ice water down your back like you are going to shriek like you are going to shriek your head off how often did you get soaked

it constantly it's constant um and there's also like the sort of organized street festival of it where they lined this like big street coming off of um like the old town gate with sprinklers that were like set at the height of like the streetlights and so when the DJ played I think it was um vivir meveda the sprinklers went from like drizzle to like torrential rain so there was there was no way to not be drenched from head to foot there's just no way um and it felt like being a child again like it felt like being a child on the playground except like the eat is turned into a playground and everyone's in on the game. But here's the bit that I wanted to talk about, which is that it was so fun

precisely because there was zero health and safety, right? There is no visible regulation of the space outside of this very narrow bit around the old town gate. There's no authority taking charge of what happens. There's no permits. There's no private security. know nothing. And on the one hand, that's what makes it such an immersive and extravagant experience. And on the other hand, there were bits where I was like, oh no, this is kind of dangerous.

So like one thing that happens. And I thought it would be like idiot Westerners doing this. No, no, this is like 100% Thai people. It's that anyone who's driving a moped down the street and everyone's driving a moped is Thailand is fair game for a bucket of water in the face. So imagine you're driving and you just get like water in your eyes when you don't expect it. And like the surfaces are super slippery from the mix of rice flour and water from like the traditional face painting bit.

And another thing is like crowd control or like the lack of crowd control. So we're in an area of Changmai called Niemann which where all the young people go. And we're going down a side road. And if you can imagine it, it's like the bars which are lining it on either side are like pouring water onto the crowd, right?

and it's just like constant jets of water. You've got food vendors then lining the side that make it even more narrow. You've got mopeds trying to drive through the crowd and it's just more and more people packing in. And there was one moment where I was a bit like, oh shit, like this is how crushers happen. Like luckily it didn't,

but there was no authority there responsible for like preventing crushes happening. And so the take that I'm coming up with is this, which is that there is a trade-off between fun and health and safety. And I don't know where I sit when it comes to this. Because on the one hand, I feel that that experience was so life-affirming. And it taught me to, like, have fun and, like, let go and forget myself in a way,

which I think is really hard to do in this country. But on the other, when you think about what does happen when things go wrong? Like, what does that really mean? whether it was like the crush that happened in South Korea during Halloween, not that long ago, or something closer to home, like the Hillsborough Stadium disaster, or like actually like in Songkran,

like you do get hundreds of people dying on the road every year because of a combination of like drunk driving and like people lose in control of mopeds. Like there is a human cost. And I think in the UK, we've clearly made a decision as a. society in which side we sit of it, right? Like, it's sort of like more health and safety and more ways of regulating public space.

But in other countries, it's different. And you can argue that it might be to do with, like, you know, relative poverty, like, you know, the size of the state is smaller. But those things have also generated a way of experiencing community and collectivity, which is really different from what we have here. So I wonder, like, where you sit on this. Like, is it Elfin Safety gone mad? Or like, is this actually, or is it, at the case that you go,

the first duty of a state is the prevention of physical harm to its citizens. And that's fine, even if it means it's at the sacrifice of these forms of enjoyment. Hmm. I mean, the examples that you mentioned about, you know, Korea, it's a one, the car crash that happened there in Halloween and Hillsborough, those and those things didn't exactly happen in a non-policed environment

so it's a one Korea's like a highly policed place there's a lot of like health and safety regulation as far as I understand it and I don't know if it's a high trust society or not but there's definitely

like a lot of policing and the UK obviously is highly policed but it was it's policed in specific ways where in fact the criminalisation of fans and the suspicion of football fans at that time led to their poor treatment

which was one of the contributing factors I would say in Hillsborough and then very much a contributing factor in the way that fans afterwards were demonised for their own deaths which was the fault of the police and the lack of power control so when you say you know is it health and safety gone mad that means we can't have these things. I don't think it's that exactly. I think we do have a very paternalistic approach

to health and safety here, and I think we are over-regulated, for sure. But I think it's got more to do with capital interests, perhaps, and the way that public space has been captured. So, you know, take, for example, there's this place in London called Coldrop. which is all what's called pseudo public space and it's means that they have especially when it's

owned by a private person they have their own bylaws which can be set by the private owner so you don't know what they are until you step on there and they have their own private security guards who will come around and tell you to stop doing something or remove something or you can't film when you step into a shopping centre so you're like kids filming a video you can be removed instantly because they don't do that here. There's a whole heap of unwritten private laws or private rules that are basically made up on the spot by corporate owners of spaces that used to be public now where they can just kind of say, well, we own that and we don't want you doing that here. And anything that seems like it might be disruptive in any way, it can be stopped. So I was in Birmingham recently while you were away and I was

witnessing this thing that the media started calling a link up as it's not really a real name for it. It's just loads of teenagers getting together and running around. I actually saw it happen in Burgess Party the other day too. But it was in the ballroom. So it was in a classic like public, but a public retail space, a space designed to consume and shop and be commodified.

And these kids were not shopping or consuming. They were running around screaming. So the police worked there in quite like a heavy turnout. And it was a very interesting interaction watching because the kids were like running around screaming and the police were obviously like, well, we can't arrest them all. They ended up not arresting anyone at that thing, but there was very much, they pepper sprayed them.

They pepper sprayed the children. And they were basically putting a kibosh on anything that seems like specific forms of fun. So at one point they produced a football and they were kicking the football around. And the policeman snatched it away and walked off with the football. And I thought that was almost more dangerous because you had this football, which was now a targeted place for their. energy to go. Whereas before it was just like running around screaming, which ended with like eruptions of hysteria,

crying, fights, you know. It has to go somewhere. But as soon as this football was produced, that was a specific form of fun. It had to be confiscated. The shop started shutting down. That was too disrupted. Things were confiscated, you know.

But then the girl got beat up and the police weren't doing anything. They were just like, oh, she has to go over here. And her mum was like, she's just been beaten up. I don't want her going back down there. There's other, you know, people attack her down there. And it was really interesting to watch what their priorities were,

which was protecting this retail space. And you see this in other places too. I think it was, which was the park recently? It was in Primrose Hill, I think, where they locked it up and they put these big fences up or something to stop people climbing the fences after dark going in. Or new lock codes, that was it. New lock codes were on Primrose Hill, like a year or so ago, maybe two years.

So people couldn't get in after dark, closing off this space and it was almost like it was definitely you know the people who run the park were like well we don't we don't want to

these people using this park without our oversight and the residents were up in arms they were like how can I go watch the sunset how can I just do these casual things so I don't think it's as much health and safety per se that's the excuse sometimes used

to impose these guidelines I think it is that there is such an expectation here of like first it's like there's something about propriety but there's also about consumption and is this, you know, daylight hours you consume and then you return back to your homes

and you consume on your Netflix. And there's something about like what's now seen as unwieldy in public and disruptive and our conception of what is disruptive I think has really, really widened up to everything. I don't know, just initial thoughts. I mean, I think that you're really right because I'm thinking about, like in some

way Suncrans is like mega disorderly right like in some ways it's you know it's like chaotic there's water being squirted everywhere like like like I said there are these like movements of crowds um particularly in Niemann which were felt like oh fuck like this is like this could go really wrong but there are certain things that I didn't see I didn't see any fights like any fights there are quite strong norms about who you don't squirt so you don't squirt anyone that's got an infant you don't squirt, like elderly people and no monks, even though, even though I saw a monk hiding behind the temple wall and, like, shooting water over it to, like, get people, but knowing that, like, no one was going to fucking touch him.

Oh, that's so funny. Like, the other thing I saw, which was really funny was, like, sometimes people would, like, go around, like, you know, going around the town with, like, their monk mates. It was, like, instant shield. Like, no one was getting them because they were the monks. So like there is, on the one hand, this like huge sense of permissiveness. And like, I want to say everyone's drinking, like, people are drinking like fucking crazy, right? Like people are drinking like beer constantly.

And then there's also like fucking homebrew like spirits and stuff like that. Like, you know, it is not like it like Thai culture is really interesting because in the one hand there is like this like strong vein of like hedonism. And on the other there is a very, very strong. wrong tradition of propriety and restraint and these two things like work together and I think that one of the things that's the case in this country is that we don't have faith that if you take away sort of punitive measures that there are strong norms capable of regulating people's behavior and like maybe there's not like maybe there's not I think that if people start fighting and like you definitely see this a bit like you know you see loads of videos of like

you know there's a western tourist like kicking off or like being disrespectful in thailand and then like suddenly it's like oh no like all of you know my Thai and like get that like fucking heads kicked in which is like don't do that like here is the cost for you doing that whereas in this country we have so much more of a like especially if we see people behaving ways which are like wildly anti-social or aggressive, it's like, don't look. Don't look. Like, it's not your responsibility to, like, intervene or manage this behaviour or punish this behaviour.

It's the role of, like, the state or some kind of legitimised, like, security authority. Well, I'd say, thinking about that, I think if you boil it down, it's because our culture of individualism has taken away the duties we owe to one another and the sort of, like, social contract of trust. and decency that you can trust that other person is not going to nick your bike while you go into

the shop. And if you go into some rural areas, you still have that there, which is why I grew up in a place where, you know, there was more permissiveness. There was more lawlessness. You could have like tent parties in a field and it would not be shut down as much. I think obviously that exists in pockets in London. People talk about, you know, the anonymity of London. I love the anonymity. You can kind of do your own thing. There's a house down my road where everyone seems, there seems just to be like random people having a party there like every night. It must be rented out in some way. But it's seen on edge of criminality,

whereas I think in there's less of the criminalisation aspect in maybe the rural areas. There's more of like, we do our own thing here and we are very tight-knit and there's still communal bonds of like, I'll give you a lift. I don't know you, but, you know, there's trust. Whereas I think in urban areas,

there's been a trust erosion in other people. Everything down from, and like your own universe extends to the, you know, the tips of your fingers and the tip of your nose. But apart from that, it's just you. It's why people feel able to play music out loud on buses now.

We'll just watch their TikToks on buses out loud. I think that is an example of the erosion of feeling like there is a contract with other people and there is a duty. So we expect, you know, on high to police it for us, to do that for us. And instead you get these very punitive measures that don't work. And that goes down to anything like drug use, for example.

We wrote an article recently. One of the titles I work for, which is the Londoner. And it was about how there's this epidemic of my colleague Andrew Kursley did it. And this is epidemic of frostbite burns in London, right? And these are like rotting burns, falling that people are coming in with mysteriously since 2024.

And it's because they criminalise NOS. So now people are using bigger canisters of NOS and it's burning their skin off. And so you've got this whole new rash of problem usage that's creating actual health consequences because we criminalise something because it was a litter problem. Yeah.

Originally it was a litter problem. And it's, I think that element, it happens in Scotland a lot, very paternalistic, very like, let's just regulate it. Let's just regulate something. Let's just regulate this behaviour. And this need to regulate

instead of trying to put the trust in people and the responsibility back to people to do it themselves. I mean, I don't even know if that that genius is able to be put back in the box, the sort of trust. It's sort of weakens your ability to do it. It's like a muscle that you never exercise.

And I think like the muscle of like, norms and like how do you create and have strong societal norms. It's like we've lost that. I mean, one thing I'll say about like phones and a sense of community is that we think phones and phone use is bad here. East Asia is cooked, man. Like so, so cooked. Like I also don't want to romanticise, you know, another culture which is so easy to romanticise because there's so much to love about it. But like the phone addiction is on a different level. Yeah. Like, you know, shooting around just like, honestly like people like are driving their mopeds while like you know watching like a K drama on their phone like it's i was like guys we're not far off that guys yeah we're not far off it but we have like stronger laws against like driving on your phone whereas yeah man in thailand like the taxi drivers have like their own iPad for watching TV while they're driving you around but there you go we've we've we've used regulation there and in that sense there's consequences they're actually enforced but if it's the consequences aren't enforced and they can't be because you can't police everything.

One, there's not capacity. Two, it's just not proportionate or appropriate. Whereas, you know, driving while on your phone, that is, I think, proportionate to be, you know, you're going to lose your licence or you're going to have to go do this and you're going to have to pay this massive fine. Those are consequences that feel proportionate to the offence. Whereas, you know, if you're creating like a public nuisance, the very loose sort of regulation that came in during the pandemic was updated about what constitutes a public nuisance. And it was used to crack down. everything from protests to people just gathering.

Those sort of things happen all the time. And it really changed. I think the pandemic really shifted our ideas of what it means to be disruptive in public and how it turned gatherings and spontaneous fun into disruption and getting in the way of what normal life is. And what normal life is now to produce and consume. And that is not a good way to live life. So when you see these spontaneous events like the teenagers popping up,

there is obviously a fear response from, you know, the media who've been conditioned into thinking this is a mob and also that sells more. When actually, when you dig under it, sometimes there is elements of, you know, real disruption or them like robbing some shit in some areas, but other times there isn't. And you have to ask,

what is the actual proportionate response to this? What is going to push these children into thinking they are criminals or just from running around and screaming or behave, you know, more? Well, you know that when people, people are made to feel like they're bad people and they are disruptive and they are disobedient citizens, they're going to just do that more because you've already told them you're bad and wrong and you're stained.

Okay, I want to bring it back to health and safety though because I've got a specific thing and it's about food culture. Go on. Right. So one of my favorite things whenever I go to a country which is in the global south is food and the availability of fucking amazing food for like really, really cheap just like on the streets, right? So in Oaxaca I had like one of the best tasting things in my entire life and it's

just this like woman like pushing around a car selling tamales and i was like oh good god this is incredible like same thing in thailand right it's just like every few paces like there's someone selling like grilled meat sticks or it's like whipping up like a somtam or whatever and i fucking love this shit right and i'm more than happy because you know use your common sense right when we're at a night market my partner was like i'm going to have that sushi and i was like that sushi that's not on ice that's been out in 30 degree heat for how long. I was like, enjoy E. coli. Enjoy it. I wish you all the best with you and your toilet. And he he did my word of warning. Like, use your common sense, but like, know that the price you pay for having this kind of like

relatively unregulated food economy. I mean, like there are also like forms of like policing and regulation that we don't see and we're not aware of. Basically, it's about paying some squeeze to your local police officers. Like, that's actually what happens. But, like, the overall societal price that you pay is that you're going to get more food poisoning and hospitalisations, possibly even fatalities from it. But I actually think that that is, as a society, a price worth paying for having a vibrant food culture, a vibrant street culture, right?

so pavements aren't just things that you walk down to get from A to B and having less of a corporate grip on food provision and also the like proliferation of third spaces, right? I just think it's like good, good, good. The price you pay for that is food poisoning. I think that's so like there is like a squeamishness around food in the UK, right? Like there's so much more sensitivity to like, oh, I don't know where that came from. don't want to eat it.

To the point that like with a lot of, you know, a lot of English people, quite frankly, there's also like a screamishness around touching food and like food preparation. Like you don't want to get your hands in like the thing that you're cooking. There's this sense of like, oh, no, unhygienic. Oh, it's going to make me dirty. And that is sort of about like the intersection of like health and safety and also our culture. And yes, there is a corporate dimension and like a capitalist dimension to all these things. But like it is what a way, a thing which has been internalized by.

people. Like I remember talking to someone who I used to work with at the pub and she only bought bags of diced onions, pre-diced onions, she was like, I don't want to touch it. Yeah, I mean, that's just a disconnection between like food where it comes from and the land really. And also, I don't think that's as prevalent as we think it is. I think it exists a lot. I think less so now because the experiential nature of street food and has changed it, like the pop-up vans, the experience of waiting the queue, that is now overpowering the squeamish people have about trying different foods because it's been repackaged back as, you know, like smash burger or like sushi burger, that kind of thing.

So people are now trying. But you need permits for that shit. Like you need permits for that. You can't just bribe your local corrupt police officer. Yeah. I also think there's an element here about life lived outside, like the street food culture and the impromptu getting a chai culture. And, you know, if you go to India, like a delicious snack and not buying water unless it's

bottled. Like, are cultures where you have, where you're often warned, watch out for food poisoning, but you'll also can eat the most delicious meal of your entire life.

Just embrace the fact you're going to have a really difficult couple of days. Yeah. It's going to happen. Price it in. Price it in. You will come back.

Skinny legend. No, I'm joking. But these are lives lived outside. Like I always thought when I went to India, I was like, wow, it's so outside.

Everything is on the street. And I feel like Thailand is quite similar. everything's on the street. Britain is not an outside culture. So there's not the same level of spontaneity. And partly that's due to the weather, I think. In summer, one of the reasons everyone comes alive is because everyone's outside.

Everyone's outside. But there's like six months of the year where people are not outside because it's cold and gray and wet. And we retreat to our houses. I wonder if Alaska has the same spontaneous food trucks. That's just what I'm thinking, you know? Is the outside culture playing a part in the spontaneity and the street vendors and the tucktucks and the like feeling of looseness that you have

and spontaneity. I've said spontaneity too many times. I think that's true but I also think that we've done a really like Britain embraced like the industrialisation of food like way more than our neighbours like the things that we expect people to eat in like Italy

they would not feed to a dog let alone a child and it's not because we don't have like really good ingredients. We've got like amazing dairy like great mate great fish and like seasonal produce is like really really good but like there was so much more of an embrace of like industrialized homogenized food production and it being like packaged and sold back to us and then there is also the element of like the way in which commercial space works which is like it is so much harder to exist as a small

business where it's just like it's just my one cafe like this is my one cafe like this is my one cafe, like it doesn't need to be anymore, it doesn't need to be a chain. Like, it's really, really difficult. They can get, like, a million prets and a million Leons, but like, it's really, really hard as a business model to, um, like, protect those forms, um, those forms of business, whereas they're just everywhere in Rome, right? Like, everywhere in France. Um, so I do think that there, there is an element of weather, but I do also think

there's an element to which, like, there has been this, like, huge sacrifice of what could be an amazing food culture like at the altar of capitalist food production. Yeah. Yeah. And I think the overall theme here is there's a trust only in big behemoths in the UK.

Like, and not even trust in the government, but just like a, you sort this out. And then Leon, you're going to sort this out. You know, you'll sort this out. Morrison, you'll sort this out for me. But I don't want to go to the market because it might be dirty. It might be dirty. Okay, we have to do a problem because we're on.

We have to do a problem. But like, quick, yes or no. Do you think health and safety has gone mad in this country? Yeah, I do. But I think it's actually, do I? No, I think capitalism's gone mad and is being repackaged as health and safety. And I think there's a lack of trust which gets parceled into health and safety. And our ideas about what a risk is, are really skewed and that we make, we make ourselves narrow.

Britain loves to make itself narrow. And I think this goes back to fucking, you know, know, the colonial period where we got rid of spices because all the dirty natives were eating them and we couldn't spice our food. That is an actual thing that happened. So that's why British food got so bland because they were like, spices, that's for the savages. Just because we invaded you for them, doesn't mean more to eat them. And then years later, we claim to invent chicken teakah fucking masala, you know? And then we get the catsu curry and just water it down to this orange shit. Like, this is a classic British thing. We make our,

ourselves narrow in order to differentiate ourselves from the savages. And it makes our world smaller. It makes our world smaller. Just to say, I know that we haven't talked about a really important dimension of health and safety, which is actually in the workplace. And that could be a different discussion for another day. But it's a big, it's a big topic. I recognize there's a big part missing, but we have to move on to dilemmers. So this is our regular schedule segment. I'm in big trouble. And if you are in big trouble, and if you are in big trouble, trouble email us at if I speak at navaramedia.com. That's if I speak at navaramedia.com. Maya, I'm going to read this one out because I think that you're going to have some really good

advice for it. Dear Ash Ann Moyer, I'm reaching out as I desperately need some advice on a recent development in my love life. Quick context, I've been single for almost two years, having been in a three year relationship and three months prior to that, a five-year relationship. Needless to say, I was a co-dependent relationship girl. I moved to Tokyo last year and I think that this was the decision that helped me fall in love for myself and break the cycle of needing male validation.

I've been casually dating during these past two years, but nothing ever developed past a first date. I felt like a lot of one-note stands and empty interactions. But I felt okay, I was doing my thing and living my life. Enter the Irishman in his 40s. I am 28, by the way. I downloaded Field about a month ago,

and the first and only person I matched with was this very handsome silver fox. We ended up going for dinner before a bit of bar hopping. I then ended up staying at his hotel, need I say more. I left in the morning feeling really positive. We had really lovely conversations and I genuinely felt affection towards him. But as he was passing through on holiday,

I didn't think we would see each other again. It surprised me that he continued to text, asking if we could meet up for coffee a few days later. We met at our mutual favourite spot before going on a walk. On this walk he said he wanted to give me something and handed me a small parcel inside a silver charm of a four-leaf clover. I was so shocked and touched. Not only was it a beautiful object, but I think I just hadn't expected him to be so thoughtful after only one previous encounter. We then went for a drink before having to say goodbye at the station. We kissed and discussed that we both felt super emotional at having to say goodbye.

I thought that this is where the story would end. He lives in Amsterdam. I live in between London and Tokyo and there's also the slight age gap. but once again I was wrong. We've been speaking every day since he left and the other day on FaceTime he conveyed to me that he knew we didn't know each other yet, but that I had left an impression on him and he wasn't willing to let this go just yet. Safe to say, the feeling is mutual. It was during one of these conversations that we hatched a plan to go to Paris together when I'm back in Europe for the summer. Now comes my problem. The part of me that's fought so hard to be okay by myself is telling me to stop texting him, to stop fantasising about a romantic holiday or what it will be like when I know. next see him, as it is in three months' time. It somehow feels self-indulgent, like I'm not

allowed to have a crush and that I am just seeking a dopamine hit. But the other part of me thinks that I deserve to be excited by someone. I haven't had a reciprocated crush for almost two years. I'm a lover girl at heart and I finally feel like I've potentially met someone who I could who I could really enjoy being with, but at what cost? There just feel like so many unknowns to be following this avenue. I deleted field as a no longer feel the need to meet slash sleep with other people. Obviously, I might meet someone, he might meet someone in real life, but I feel a sense of calm knowing that he's there. He told me to lock into myself, to keep doing the things I want to do in Tokyo and my life, and he will do the same until we see each other. But is it too much pressure to

be doing this with someone I've only met twice? Do I say this is all too intense and walk away? What happens after someone when I come back to Japan? What's the point? But also, what if it does turn into something? My independent self is fighting my romantic self. Should the age gap signal red flag, Or am I just overthinking? Should I run with it and simply see what happens? I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter because it's driving me crazy with anxiety. Lots of love, special one.

I have simple thoughts, which are, this is going to be a disaster, you're going to do it anyway, and you're going to learn from it. That's my actual thoughts. Those are my unvarnished thoughts. Okay, I'll explain why I say this. If it is driving you crazy with anxiety, I think this is my very hardline opinion.

There will be exceptions that prove this rule. If it's driving you crazy anxiety to the point we have to write in to us, there's something up here, there's something wrong. It's not going to turn into something. You don't even know what something is. You have no vision for what that would be. But I think this is important for you to do.

Who amongst us has not had a holiday romance that maybe down the line, two years or three years, however long it goes on, we're like, that was not going to be the love of my life, but it was a great experience. I think there's a lot. You've outlined all the reasons why this will not turn into something. And the fact you're meeting three months after your first thing,

you've got no plans to be in the same city. He gave you a, you know, jewelry bracelet. There's stuff here where I'm like, this is too intense. You know it's too intense. But you don't care. You don't care. And nothing's going to stop you.

you've locked yourself down for two years and this person has pushed past all the barriers that you have and woken you up again and that unfortunately is intoxicating and you're going to run with it until wherever the end is. That's my thoughts. Yeah, I mean I suppose I would use different word than disaster, right? I don't think romance is a good basis for commitment, to be honest. Like, like, I actually just like don't think it is and I might be a weirdo, but I tend to be like kind of suspicious of like gestures. So if someone gave me a present the second time I've met them after we sat together once, I'd be like, what are you, a serial killer?

But that's just me. I'm not saying there's something wrong with him. I'm just saying that I am suspicious of gestures and I kind of feel that gestures, particularly early on or almost like trying to shortcut something or like sort of like leap past this other thing that you need, which is like a lot of time in conversation, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I also think that sometimes it's important to just be like, I'm in a whirlwind.

Yeah. I'm in a whirlwind and it makes me feel really alive. Like, it makes me feel really awake. It makes me feel really embodied and all of my nerves are jangling. And I think that anxiety is a really important component of like feelings of romantic intensity, right? Like I do think that that's part of like the like intensified. like the agony like the agony is part of the thing again i don't think that's necessarily a good basis to like have a life with somebody or a committed relationship but i do think that is a really

important part of the human experience and that you're someone who's got their life together and you've got this life which is like london and Tokyo and you're very established where you are i think that's like a limited amount he can fuck with your life if you are protective of some of the things that are really important to you, your job, your friendships, your health, all the rest of it, then go make some stupid decisions.

Yes, you're 28. If you were a couple years older, maybe I'd say something, and you're like, it's going to fuck up my whole life. Maybe I'd say something different, but you are 28. I think the important thing is to remember what Asher said,

which is the difference between romance and commitment, and if commitment is something you want in the long term, don't pin all your hopes on this, but when you're in an infatuation, you just go with it. You're just like, I'm infatuated. We're going to be together forever, and then it falls apart.

And then you're like, oh, that was that. Yeah. Enjoy these things while you can. You know, you've not come to us asking, you know, should I marry this man? Should I do this X, Y, Z? You're just like, I'm, I'm racked with anxiety. I have to say you will be racked with anxiety

because that is the nature of these things. Don't make any big decisions around this man. Yeah. But immerse yourself in some, like, you know, I don't want to say stupidity because, you know, obviously like stupidity brackets, complimentary. You know, that's that sort of what I mean. It's like embrace yourself in some experiences where you're not making yourself responsible for like managing all of the outcomes. Just know that you shouldn't make big decisions around this man.

This is a bad basis for commitment. But it's a great basis for a lot of fucking fun. And if he bails on Paris, which he might, because three months is a long time, go anyway, have a wonderful time, meet someone else. You can be stupid, complimentary about my advice. Have fun. Have a fun time special. Have a lot of fun time. Like, I'm never going to be that stupid again. I made my stupid decision and reader, I married him.

Right now I'm in the bit of love where it's like, I'll never be that stupid again, but who knows, but I hope never to be that stupid again. but... Inshallah. How fun. How fun. How fucking fun. Enjoy yourself special one. All right. We've got to enjoy ourselves.

We've enjoyed ourselves too much. We have to leave. Yeah. Back to the content factory for both of us. I'm not doing content at the moment. I'm doing... I'm on deadline. I'm on a deadline.

We're in the journalism minds. I'm on deadline. I'm doing a report. All right. All right. See you guys. We have to go. Bye.