If I Speak - 120: Help! I’m dreading moving to the suburbs with my partner

Episode Date: July 7, 2026

Ash and Moya get stuck into your dilemmas. Featuring: a POC friend whose new boyfriend votes Reform, a male coworker who’s gone from supportive to creepy, a woman who’s struggling to think before she speaks, an independent woman who’s dreading suburban life with her boyfriend, and an environmentalist weighing up a job in big tech. Send us your dilemmas: [e-mail] Music by Matt Huxley.

No, let's start. Keep that as the opening. I want that. I want that. Nom, nom, nom, nom. This is if I speak, Moira is currently gnawing on the femur bone of a great... Kirstama. Or rock.

I'm gnawing on Mr. Starwood's femur bone. This is if I speak. I'm Ash Sarker. Who are you? I'm Moyer Lain. I already sound quite sinousy when I talk and now I have a mouth full. It's just disgusting.

While Moyer learns to chew and swallow, let me tell you a little bit about what we're doing today. We are doing a Dilemma's special because the inbox, like me, after I eat bread, got backed up. Do you get backed up from bread? Yeah. Well, it depends on the bread. It depends on the bread.

Fancy bread, no. Cheat bread, yes. That's interesting. I'm thinking about it. all the times I get back to up. Do you know it was an interesting thing that happened to me recently? Actually, do you know what? I've sold this wrong.

It's not interesting at all. But I am going to talk about it. But I am going to talk about it. You know when you go on holiday and normally you can't poop for like four to five days? That doesn't happen to me, but I've got a friend from uni where like it would happen so badly to her that we'd do like a guard of honour when she like finally pooped. Yeah, I have a friend like that as well. but obviously I think it's something to do with plane travel

because my flight to France was like well I don't know an hour and a half and the bowels were running just fine service was as normal and then I came back maybe it's stress as well and I came back and then I couldn't poop for a bit I think it's I think it's stress I've got questions for you which aren't poop related oh no I refuse to answer them they have to be scatillogical I'm not answering I will not I will not change the questions.

They are already down. This is our traditional icebreaker, 73 questions minus 70. Question one for Moyer. In honour of our dilemma special, what is your favourite pickle? So that can be a pickle, like a pickled vegetable. It can be a pickle like lime pickle, chili pickle. I will also say that we can include fermented like cucumbers and stuff, which are sort of pickle style, even though I know they're not a technical pickle.

It's too hard, Ash. It's too hard. Every pickle is delicious. I used to just buy jars of pickled onions, just eat them. Oh, God, they're all so good. Do you know what? I think the pink pickles that you get served at the Schwama place, or sometimes at a restaurant you can just get a side of them. There's a name for the pickled vegetables and I can't remember the pink one in particular because it's so beautifully vibrant. I love a beautiful pickle. So I'll go with the pink pickle But it's too hard to choose What about you?

A pink pickle You know what? I think I had some really nice pickles Last night at a restaurant where my friend works And there was a beautiful plate of pickles And I think one of the pickles might have been Freirelli Which is a sort of member of the broccoli family

Is that Italian? It is. Because you've mentioned this now this particular vegetable twice in four shows are you new sponsoring I'm in the pocket of big broccoli

big pit free reirelli but those are some very nice pickles but I think ultimately my favourite pickle experience was I got a very overpriced jar of fermented cucumbers so it was a fizzy cucumber oh love that delicious love that for me

question two Can you really hear the children today? Yeah, the children are childrening. The children are really childrening. I promise I don't have children captive in any way. You can just hear them outside. They're not captive. They're in indentured labour.

They're in indentured labour. They get very generous breaks. And I do provide them with shoes. They're typing up the Cotado. You can hear how much fun they're having, making them draft all the 73 questions for future episodes. That was the best of times. It was the blood.

of times. We need to move on expediency. I can't say the word. Children. We are moving on quickly. Question two. In honour of the World Cup now, what is your hydration break

drink of choice? My hydration break drink of choice is decaf coffee if before 12pm. Post 12pm, it has to be, I'm really boring because I try and drink healthy, so I drink water. But on Fridays, I let myself have a little Pepsi Max as a treat.

It would have been a Diet Coke, but the sort of ambiguous boycott situation is not cleared up. So if I'm at a place where I can choose, I'd choose a Pepsi Max instead. Although, I'm not sure they're not owned by another company that has the same evils as Coca-Cola. So who even knows? For me, I've got to say it's got to be the champagne of sparkling waters, Vichy Catalan. Did Vichy Catalan exist as a concept? That's such a funny thing to call her, because of the sort of, you know, the connotations. The connotations.

The connotations. But it is a delicious water. So that is my hydration. Break, tipple of choice. Option three. Question three, I mean. Option three, whatever. Question three, what last made you cry?

Oh, very embarrassing. My wonderful friend Polly has got me into a very trashy Amazon series called Off Campus, which is... Off campus! We have to... Wait, talk to me more about this, but I'm going to tell you some shit about off campus.

Let me tell you some off campus shit. Now, I didn't watch heated rivalry because I'm a homophobe. No, because... I didn't watch heated rivalry. I did peruse the book material when it came out just to see what we were working with and I decided I'm not a fan of hidden romance it doesn't thrill me I don't like hidden romance in that way I like an enemies to love her

and when off campus was pitched to me I said I'm on board baby Polly texted me she said have you watched this the series everyone's going crazy about now I have been get me these sexy hockey players yeah I've been pretty off line recently so I had not heard hide nor hair I don't have TikTok anymore That would be what would bring me the news off campus. Instead, I have to wait for my messenger pigeon to come from the outside world. Anyway, I watched eight episodes in an evening and a morning. And you cried.

And I cried at which bit did I cry? It was the last episode. I think it was when Hannah did her song. She did a song. And I cried and I felt manipulated. But what a sexy. That is a sexy show. I was stirred.

When the first kiss happens, I was really, the loins were up. The loins were up. So, you know how we recently got a TV? Yes, I do. The first show that was the sort of house show was off campus because my housemate, my wonderful, wonderful housemate was like introduced to it by his cousin, so he introduced it to us.

And I was like, I quite enjoyed it. I quite enjoyed it. The boys, fucking loved it. And two reasons why they loved it. Two reasons why they loved it. One was they were like, it's actually really important to see men

being good friends to each other and they were very, very moved. And then the second thing, I'm not even sure if I should say this. Let's say. Housemate's brother introduced a new term for breasts into the household lexicon about off campus where he said,

some lovely wombatts on the lead the leading lady. She has got some lovely wombats and a wonderful voice. She has a really good voice, a really gravelly, like sexy voice that's both wholesome

but also like, you know, a little bit of, she's a great lead. The lead couple actually of chemistry. Yeah. And they can kind of act, which does set it apart

from a lot of Amazon Prime teen drama adaptations. Well, look, off campus is the last thing that made you cry. Yeah. Last thing that made me cry was awesome, like, to do the World Cup. It was

Cody Gapot scoring that goal against Morocco the week after his baby died and then he scored the goal and he collapsed on the ground crying and then I was crying to. That is very sad. That's legitimately really sad. Yeah. I bawled my

eyes out. Solidarity to Gapo. We have very different. It was very different tears. I too have watched. I too have watched. I too have watched off campus. I love that you've seen off campus. That makes me very happy.

It's great. It's a really good rom-com. I'm going to rate it pretty highly for the modern crop. Anyway, great questions. I enjoyed that. Fab. Shall we move on to Dilemmas? Yeah, let's do it. I'm going to read the first one now. Okay. I'm interested to hear what you think. I wonder if we might think different things about this.

Hmm. Anyway, hi Ash and Moyer. A close friend and flatmate of mine has been dating a guy for over a year. We've always bonded over our shared politics and mixed heritage. She is half Pakistani, I am half Nigerian. A few months ago, I overheard him arguing with her about politics, telling her that most immigrants are bad people and that she should watch GB News to actually learn something.

I expected this to be a deal breaker for her, but she stayed with him. He has expressed his support for reform prior to this industry. incident. I told her I felt unsafe having him in our home while I am present. She respected my boundary and I've decided to move out when our tendency ends. She defends him by claiming he doesn't understand politics and mirrors his upbringing. She also feels that because she doesn't hold his reform values, it shouldn't impact our friendship. However, if any of our other friends dated a reform supporter, she would judge them harshly. Her hypocrisy and choice of partner are creating a massive wedge between us. I love her dearly, but I don't know if I can sustain a friendship with someone

who keeps a person with those views so close. Am I being petty for thinking about ending the friendship over this? Are we really the company we keep? Thank you. Special one. I don't know what, I don't know what to say about this one. Because I think the friendship is ended. It's just you're moving out and you already have contempt for her and think she's being hypocritical. but I don't really know what to say because you've already made your mind up. It's quite difficult. Am I being petty? It's not about petty.

It's more like there's a lack of willingness to understand why she might be dating this man. Like what is it about her self-esteem that means she might be with this person? And I think there's obviously there's a strong feeling of betrayal that she, you're like, oh, does she have other sides? I don't really know. Ash, do you have any thoughts on this? Because I really don't know what I think of this. Yeah, but I'm scared that I'm going to come across like a massive bitch. Go on. This is after hours. This is after hours. This is our no holds bard.

You know what? I'm overworked and I'm underslept. So, yeah, this is our no holds barred. Let's go fucking. This is bad cop dilemma special. Bad cop dilemma special. Special one. I say this with love, but you've made something about you that isn't about you. And I'm not saying that your friend has made a good choice of partner or a wise choice of partner. but you've made her choice of partner like a referendum on your friendship, which I actually think is an overstep. Unfortunately, friends make unwise and bad and sometimes self-destructive choices and partner all the time. And it is your job to be honest with them when they ask for honesty, to, if not, make them drink from the water, at least showing them where it is.

So sort of telling them and being open with them about what it is you think that they deserve and what's out there for them. But you can't make choices for them. And I think in your way of grappling with this thing that you can't make choices for them, you've inserted yourself into it. So you've made something that you've overheard, something that wasn't expressed to you about you by saying this makes me feel unsafe and ending the tenancy and moving out. And I just think that this isn't an endorsement of his views at all.

And you don't have to like him. Like you don't have to like him. You don't have to want to be around him. You can say, like, I don't want to hang out with this guy. I think he's a loser. And I think he has shit views. And I'm not going to enjoy myself around him. That's fine.

but you've upped the ante big time and i think you upped the ante because you wanted to force her hand a bit and a lot of the disappointment that you're feeling is that you couldn't force her hand that like in a way you feel she's chosen him over you and i think that's a bad place for a friend to get and i think if you guys are going to be friends again It's probably going to be difficult while she's still with him. But if she does break up with him and she does go, he wasn't the right guy for me, you can't take that as like a victory in proof that he was the thing that was getting in the way.

I think you've actually got to go, I think you made the right choice, but also maybe I wasn't right in how I went about it. That was so much wiser than me. How are you so good at this on the spot? I'm just like, I don't know what to think when it comes to. You know, I think I'm quite mired in the, well, it's your choice and you, you know, you don't have to be put in this position if you don't want to.

I'm a bit like, if you don't want to stick around and be friends with someone, like, leave them alone. Because otherwise now this other person has to deal with both her odious sounding boyfriend and a friend who's just sitting there silently seething and judging and turning it, as you say, on a referendum on their friendship. So she's not really being a friend at all. And that's two people who are pillars of the support system who are now, sort of emotional drains. And she's now having to manage both their emotions.

So I'm like, well, you know, this letter writer, this special one, I'm a bit like, yeah, leave her alone. Leave her alone. And the thing is, is that, like, I've seen so many people of colour get themselves into situations or relationships where it's like, you're the good one. Do you know what I mean? Like, you know, oh, I don't like Muslims, but you're alright. Or like, oh, I don't, you know, rate whatever ethnic group, but like, you're different.

or like in particular when people are mixed race a sort of um you know oh you're not really that are you and that's never gone well for people in those relationships like it's never ever gone well for them so like none of what I'm saying is like a co-sign of the relationship itself it's just it's their mistake to make it is difficult though when your friend dates somebody who you know it does it does impact the friendship and it's

does impact how you can hang out of them because you can say, look, I'll see you without them. But they still feel judged. And they are being judged, you know. They are being judged. And that's also not necessarily bad in some way. But that's what's so interesting about this is that the problem doesn't seem to be the friend going, I feel judged. The problem is, is you going, like, I actually kind of want to punish you a bit for the choice you made.

because if it was the case that your friend was going I feel really judged I don't think I could be friends with you while you're judging me then you would be so within your rights to be like but I can't pretend that I think this is good for you that's not a good friend doesn't do that an honest friend doesn't do that but that's not

that's not what's been brought to our table it's about control it's about control I don't think you should be dating this person if I'm going to punish you until you feel either you break up with them or you realize that you lose the community with people like me

unless you fall in line. I'm not sure that's good politics. I don't think that's good politics. Anyway, but it sounds like you're quite young and I also get it. I get it, we've been there. Right. Next dilemma.

Hi, Moyer and Ash, recent listener, okay, we need to be nice. And enjoying your yap. I would like your take on my dilemma. For context, I'm a Muslim woman and I recently got a new job I interviewed and didn't get it the first time, but one of the male Muslim senior figures reached out and encouraged me to reapply. I did and I got the role.

At the start, he would mention how he was rooting for me because there's not many people like us in the sector. However, over the next six months when we would be alone, he would remind me how he advocated for me to get the job and how he saw my CV and encouraged the hiring partner to interview slash choose me. At this point, it feels appropriate and uncomfortable because it makes me feel like I didn't deserve it or I owe him something. He has also been slightly weird in that one time I said his name and he was like, say my name properly, don't anglify it. And then he said, say it again. So I said it again. In the workplace sector slash sector, I've heard rumors about him being quite territorial over his team. His team is all younger women. There have been comments about him liking younger women. He's single in his late 30s, but he's got youngish energies and is admittedly good looking.

But honestly, he creeps me out even though up first I have to admit he was kind of hot. However, he's got a lot of cut in the sector in the firm, and most of the time he's relatively normal and is really good at his job. He just instinctively triggers me to think of manipulative, charismatic, egotistical men I've dealt with, and I've hate it. My friend has said to use this to my advantage, and I don't want to tell anyone for fear of sabotaging myself as someone very early in my career in a competitive job or fear of becoming gossip. I feel like these things stick to women more than men, and whether he's in the wrong or not, he likely won't lose anything. Right now, I'm just ignoring it, hoping he won't be weird again and keeping it moving, but I may have to work for this man for many years to come. Am I sustaining a toxic, misogynistic culture? This is probably his way of manipulating his team

by making them feel special. We work long hours, and the pay isn't the best. Equal, I hate myself, because every time I fuck up, it's like I'm letting him down or thinking by his perception of me, in a deep way than I would, a normal boss. But I can't help it. What's your take? All right, first thing, special one. Your friend is giving you such shit advice. Like, this whole thing of use it to your advantage.

Like, no. Like, no. This is a person who is, like, very domineering. He has, whether he is consciously doing it or whether he's unconsciously developed a set of tactics to sort of, like, blur the boundaries and develop a bit of a hold over his, borderness, like, sort of doesn't matter either way, but, like, he's got a playbook,

and he's using it. Um, so don't, I think you're sort of kidding yourself if you think that, like, oh, you know, I can use my, my feminine wiles to my advantage. It's like, don't do that. That's not going to end well for you. Like, it's just not. Um, my advice would be this. It would be, stay working with him, but get out either into a different team or a different organization as quickly as possible, but maintaining a good relationship. If he needs to think that he is responsible for your success, that's fine, don't trouble that perception of him, but find a way out. Because it doesn't seem, like, what's interesting is that, like, I don't know if there is, like, a pathway of escalation with him, right? Like,

maybe this is what it is and this is how he treats people. And it's, somewhat manageable. But actually, maybe things do get to a place which is like more uncomfortable and a lot less boundaries and a lot more like distressing in that way because, you know, already you're like, oh, I'm thinking about letting him down as a person or like, you know, it's getting me to like hate myself. That to me is a sign that you should find somewhere else. But there's no need to burn the bridge when you go. You can let his ego remain intact. But I'd get out of there. What about you? As a person who lives to turn my work environments into familial structures, I would say from this letter, I would guess that you're both uncomfortable with this

dynamic and also drawn to it, and that's also what you're fighting with. You're fighting with your own role in the dynamic. The telling bits of me are, you know, this admission that, you know, he creeps me out, but at first I thought he was kind of I worry about letting him down. I, you know, and he hasn't done anything specific. You're picking up on signals that I think are definitely there. I, 100%, your gut instinct is right, but he hasn't done anything specifically

beyond, you know, this idea of like showing his ego. And, you know, you think about his perception of you in a deep way than you would ignore boss. I think your role in the dynamic is the one that you need to really consider because I think Ash is right, you know, you should have a plan for how you'll move on and get out. But this is also an opportunity to detach whatever things you have around this person and what they bring out on you, who reminds you of or, you know, the patterns that you might be repeating and change them. Because otherwise they will repeat in a new workspace.

And I imagine you're probably quite drawn to figures like this. They both motivate you and scare you. And that's what you should be examining. Because I think that's the underlying thing in this letter. Like, this boss could do anything. But if you're in a place where you are detached from his wavelength, whether you're not on the same wavelength and you're not picking up the frequencies, it doesn't touch you.

When you're in a place where you over-identify with work and you tend to be drawn to these sort of like charismatic, problematic, occasionally, figures, especially men, in positions of power where you're both waiting on their approval but also really resent your need for it, that's something that I think you should look at. That's just what I'm getting from that subtext within this letter. I don't know if Ash agrees.

No, that makes total sense. Like, I think that identifying that part of attraction to it I think is really important. And I think that that's why the detail of like, oh, maybe I could use it to my advantage. It's like, oh, you know, maybe I can down there. the dance of the seven veils. Like there's an element of that which

is appealing to you on some level. Like, you know, there's discomfort, but there's also a sort of attraction. And that doesn't mean you're a bad person, special one. Like, we all have contradictory feelings or feelings which are like, some might be less healthy than others. Or some are healthy, but like kept in their place. But I think Moyer's right to say that you should detach.

There's a line in this. This is probably his way of manipulating his team by making them feel special. You both know this and don't want it to be true. You want him to think you're special. And he's made you both feel special, but that attention makes you uncomfortable too. And I think it's probably some sort of like shame and worry

about your own role there that if you start actually admitting that, you'll find this a lot easier to deal with. I think it's one of those things, which is like certain contexts and work is very much one of them are like a hot box, right? Like they're so intense. It's just like a... braidle in which things are crashing around and they're so much more heightened.

Like, this guy would probably not be hot out of that context to you. And like, the power dynamic is both the thing that makes you feel uncomfortable and the part which is making you feel like a little bit hot under the collar. But take it out of that context. Yeah, I want to say it's also just not, it's not just this like sexual subtext. It's also just this idea of like person in power. Yeah. There'll be other things in here like your childhood patterns.

and relationships and attachments, it's all feeding into it. Like, it's just the general myasma is that this is not just a professional relationship and it is unboundary and it's picking up on different patterns that you definitely recognize. And that's interesting to me that the sort of like response to that power dynamic is sexualized because it's obviously very different now for me. But like obviously originally my friendship with Aaron Bustani was like mental mentee we've talked about that before. Like I first met Aaron when I was 18

and I guess he was like 25, 26, something like that. And coming into Navarra, I was like very much, I mean like the structures were weird. Like we didn't really have structure, but like, you know, his junior much less experienced.

But there wasn't a sort of like sexualized dimension to that. Like it actually, it felt familial. It felt like you're my big brother and you look out for me and sometimes you really pissed me off the way a big brother would.

like it's it's so interesting to me that like both he and you are bringing to it an eroticism which like isn't actually inherent to a power imbalance like there are other ways in which you can map other kinds of relationality onto that power imbalance like it's interesting that it becomes eroticised like two people are dancing that dance two people indeed two people here

I'm ready to answer the next problem Wow Look at that smooth as ice transition Okay Let's go Dear Moia and Ash Love the show I'm a 20 year old

Black American Sorry I assume you're apologising For the American Rather than Black I don't want you to No no it's the American Because the American's in brackets

The black is loud and proud The America is in the brackets You know what It's not always Yankee go home Sometimes Yankee You can stay Sometimes it's Yankee No I'm joking

I'm joking I would never say anyone go home because I think it's actually not a good impulse to... You know, my favourite use of Go Home? Mm-hmm. Do you remember Sister-Sister? Did you ever watch Sister Sister? I was a little bit too young, but I don't remember vacant. Because it was like a little bit out of date by the time I was watching it, but it was still

like on the TV sometimes. That was like, that kid who'd like come up through the window because that was such a staple of like the family sitcoms at the time would be there as a local teenager who only entered the house through the window. Like it also happened in Clarissa explains it all. Yeah. And like, the response to it would be, go home, Roger. I'm like, I still say that.

I still say, like, when someone's, like, annoying me, be like, go home, Roger. There's a good thesis piece in the role of the window as entry point in 90s teen TV programs somewhere. Right, let's get back to the dilemma. I'm a 20-year-old, black American, sorry, woman living in London. I've realized over the last few years that I'm a compulsive hater. I'm constantly analyzing the flaws and foibles of my friend slash colleagues,

and not keeping it to myself. Ruminate in judgment when I've lost respect for someone, have a weak filter and love gossip a bit too much. I don't think I will ever be a delightful, adorable angel of a woman, nor do I want to be, but I would like to be someone who is kind, fair and a good friend rather than bitchy, as someone recently called me, apparently as a compliment. I know that thinking before I speak, being empathetic,

assessing where I'm jealous, triggered by situations, and getting serious about surrounding myself with people what I actually like and respect rather than hold barely repressed contempt for is a big part of the solution. But I guess I want your views. My own need for personal growth aside, is there a place slash purpose for hater tendencies? Once I sort myself out, is there a way to channel this tendency towards overanalysis for good or I do a need to get real? Thank you. My angel, you need self-esteem. You need self-esteem. You surround yourself with people who you have contempt for because it makes you feel better about yourself,

but it also makes you feel worse about yourself because you're then indulging in the worst tendencies you have, which is to feel superior to everyone. As another fellow person who struggles with superiority complexes, I can tell you for free it comes from low self-esteem. Superiority is merely the plaster that you put over the gaping wound where your self-esteem should be. And once you get some self-esteem

and you start being open and honest about your vulnerabilities, why you get jealous, why you get triggered, why you might be afraid to, you know, hang out with people that you'd actually like and respect. Maybe it's, you know, you think they'll look at you and they'll see someone lacking because you see yourself lacking. I don't know. You need to feed yourself on better food and then you will stop hating so much. Analysis is great. We love analysis, but there is, you know, you can be empathetic and kind with your analysis. You can also use your analysis for culture, for politics, for anything. You sound super smart. But you do need to look at yourself as well.

and you need to really get honest with yourself the way you think you're being honest about other people, what's going on there and why you have to indulge it. And I promise you, you can undergo a great change once that and your life will be revolutionary, but it will take practice. It takes lots of practice. Completely agree with everything you said about self-esteem. And I think that there is a question here about why is it establishing a social hierarchy in your head of worthiness and who is worthy of respect is so important to you? Like, where did that come from? And I'm not saying that you're atypical for feeling that way. Like, I think that people feel that to greater and lesser

degrees. But who made you feel that the world is so full of judgment that it's really important for you to establish your place within that hierarchy of judgment? Yeah. Like, I feel that there is an origin story there. And you don't have to pathologize it. Like, it doesn't mean you have to, like, turn around and be like, mom, dad, it was all your fault. But just understanding that there are other ways to see the world. Like, I am a hater. In my heart, I am a hater.

My favorite drink is haterade. And I am the one who needs hateeration and holleration in this dancery. Like, I am a hater. and I'm incredibly judgmental and I'm with a partner who isn't and same like sometimes I think it's insane

like sometimes I look at him and I go like what the fuck but actually it comes from some things which are really good which is his parents never made him feel their expectations of him whereas like my experience of being parented was like very very loving it's not that there wasn't acceptance, but it's very clear that there are expectations. And it's also very clear that I lived

in a social context of commentary when those expectations weren't being fulfilled either by me or other people around me. Like, I grew up seeing that from like a really early age. And so I think that that really factors in to the prominence of judgment within my like internal monologue, which is, it's not that I felt that love was conditional, but is that I was understanding that there was this ongoing conversation and I really internalised it. And I still think that there is a value towards discernment. Like I think there's a value in being discerning.

Like sometimes I've felt, I know, I've expressed this to my partner. I'm not saying this in a way which would be shocking for him to hear. Sometimes I have felt that his openness to people lacks discernment. And I think that like gender is involved in that. like I sort of feel that there is this element of self-protection that comes from my place in the world as a woman and he doesn't necessarily feel that and therefore he can be less discerning in like some of his judgments of people. But ultimately I think that he's probably like got a healthier self-esteem than I do. So even though I think there's a place for judgment and I don't think it's always bad, you know, I think that ultimately he's probably like got a healthier sense of self. Where is there a place in the positive being a hater? I mean, Oscar Wilde said that a writer needs to have a piece of ice in the heart. And I was thinking about this. I was thinking about common people.

I was thinking about the song, Common People by Pulp. And I was thinking about how cruel a song it is. Like, there is a real cruelty to it. But I think that's what makes it so great. That's why it's such a great piece of songwriting. Like, it is, like, unsparing of this woman. Like, it really, really, like, vivisects her. for the listener.

And I think that's what makes it a great piece of writing. Like it is a cruel piece of writings, potentially even a hateful piece of writing, but it's an incredible piece of writing nonetheless. So do you think that hater has a place in creativity? Obviously, can't talk about haters and creativity without talking about Kendrick Lamar. It's always the summer of the hater for me, baby.

And I also think that there are times, like, there are times when my mouth has gotten me into, trouble, right? Like I let loose a disparaging opinion about someone and then like instantly regret it. But there are times where you get permission. So when a friend finally breaks up with their piece of shit partner, for me, I feel like both of us have been liberated. Do you know what I mean? Like both of us have been led to freedom. Because I'm like, let me take the silences off. Let me take them off. Let me take them off. Like let me empty both barrels about what I thought about this guy.

Empty the clip. Yeah, empty the clip. So I think there's a place for it. I think that you've got to really understand where this comes from. You're not a saint and that's okay. And the last thing I'd add is the fact you've written in and said what you want to be means you're already on the journey. And you should be really excited about that journey and where it's going to take you. Because most people don't even get this far.

I hate incompetence. And my partner's always like, you need to examine why that is because your definition of incompetence is actually unrealistic and unsustainable. Yeah, I hate that. I get told that as well. Yeah. And I realize like you, Ash, it comes from my childhood and it comes to the expectation

at the place to me. And I also would add, when you're an ethnic minority, there will probably be things that as you get older are put in there as well, especially as a woman, these things intersect. You're like, I have to work twice as hard and be three times as fucking good just to get a little bit of the pie, but you can't live life letting that poison you further, because then it's, then they win. I was thinking about this, like, with regards to, like, a different situation,

but, like, the opposite of shame isn't hypercompetence, and the opposite of shame isn't, like, braggadocio, and the opposite of shame isn't feeling that you're at the top of a hierarchy. The opposite of shame is being able to live peacefully with yourself. This is, Ash, you have just articulated something I've been trying to hit upon for months a months and months and months when I'm trying to understand why it is that my feelings about what I need in this life and what I want for my own life to look like, have shifted, and why, and that is exactly it.

What you just said, that the opposite of shame is not the hypercompetence, it's not the pragmatist, it's living peaceful. and outside of the shame matrix, that is a, you've just, you just give me a breakthrough. And I hope you've given this special on a breakthrough too. Yeah. Don't expect me to live by it, though. I can say it. Don't expect me to do it.

Come live by it. I think it's, I think it'll be really good for us. Okay. That was, that was a great dilemma. And some actually like top tier gold standard A plus plus plus from you, Ash, not to be like you're hypercompetent, but that was hypercompetent advice. Uncut Peruvian Flake. We all got some advice there.

Okay. Next dilemma. Hi, Ash and Moyer. I discovered the pod about a year ago, and it's quickly become my favorite podcast. Sometimes when I read these intros, I'm worried and reading the dilemma we've read because they're like, my favorite podcast.

And I'm like, which is everyone's favorite podcast? We're your favorite podcast's favorite podcast. I love the wind, we're just windom. I'm out. I love the wisdom and insight you bring. And your friendly, empathetic, approachable,

and un-intimidating nature ensures I don't feel too stupid when you make historical references. I don't understand. Don't worry. I sometimes feel stupid when Asht is making a really good historical reference. I'm just like, mm, yes. Great. Have you heard the new Pink Panther song?

No, I feel stupid because sometimes you'll make a connection. I was like, oh, I was just going to say, this is bad. But, like, you really thought about this. I do that all the time. First dilemma, think about it, you know. Let's just watch off campus together, everyone. Anyway, thank you. I have been thinking about writing in for a while about a situation that is looming. Now is the time that I seek your advice. Disclaimer, I'm already in a therapy

with a great therapist. Woohoo! That takes half the weight off us. But I could use your no-nonsense practical advice here. I have been with my partner for two years and I'm moving into the house he owns in a few months. This is my first healthy relationship and will be the first time I've lived with a partner before. I'm 34 and have built a beautiful, independent life for myself. I love my hobbies, my flat, I live in a gorgeous flat share, sleeping alone at night, my friends having my own space, being alone, I'm joking, the community I've built around me. I live in an area in London with access to green spaces and amenities, and it's also very well connected. The fact I can cycle anywhere almost makes up for the absolutely extortionate rent, which continues to put me in debt

each month. Right. Here's the dilemma. Though I want to move in with my partner in theory, we want to have kids, so taking the next step is important, I have this feeling of dread I can't shake. He lives in London, but it's a suburban neighbourhood which is only accessible by car or the central line, hell, has no community apart from three betting shops. Though I'll be saving big money on rent, I will be disconnected from both my hobbies that I love and the community that brings me so much joy every day, whether it's chatting to my favourite barista, biking or taking a walk in the park or coming home to my flatmates every night and having social time whenever I want. After some deliberation, I've made the decision I'm definitely moving in because I think feel

like this could be a feeling of fear before a big move which is normal. I guess my question is, how do I shift from my perspective of, oh no, I'm sacrificing so much to life is going to shift and I will gain things too. I've spoken to my boyfriend about this briefly, but I'm trying to protect him from knowing how hard this feels. In a big way, this feels like I'm putting a bold line under this carefree chapter of my life and the next one seems to be. so scary. Thank you for reading. Special one. I don't know when you sent this in. I think it was quite recently, so I hope we're still in time to answer this. I have so many thoughts because I'm in a very similar situation to you. Oh, ho ho. All right, well, I'll keep it brief. No, keep it long.

Keep it long. Keep it long. I'm here for a long time, not a good time. Yeah. No, I'm going to keep because my partner was in your situation. So when we moved in together, initially we moved in together, I was moving into the place that he lived with his flatmates, but when it was just the two of us, it was very much into my world. So we literally moved into a house that I spent my childhood in. So we moved into my grandma's house so we could save on rent and save up for a deposit.

On the street that I lived on, that when I was a kid, surrounded by my friends and further from his friends. And for him it was a real moment of going, oh my God, am I just being absorbed into Ash's life? Like, is that what's happening? And like, it's not as if we could like resolve those feelings, but the feelings had to have an airing. And I think he had to be reassured that he could make choices that centered the things that he valued in life. and ultimately it was something that went really, really well.

Like, we've shared our group of friends in a way which I think is really beautiful. So, like, his best friends become my best friend. One of my best friends become his best friend. Like, it's gone that way. There's a level of independence that we have from each other. Like, we obviously travel together. We also do quite a bit of travelling separately with our friends or by ourselves. and we're not 100% answerable to each other for each other's time.

And I think that that's been really important for making him feel that he isn't just being like sucked into my life and my way of living. So I think that there is no way through this without talking with your partner more openly. I think you've got to talk about these things that you're feeling. Even if it's not about like establishing solutions, because I don't think that there are like solutions right away. you sort of like muddle through when the thing is happening. But maybe you can talk about feelings that are important to you, right?

Like there are ways in which you want to feel and that's important to you. Maybe you could say like, you know, I need some assurances from you that if this really isn't working for me, that maybe we'll find a different way of doing it. Like maybe you actually sell and we move somewhere else. Like I need to know that if this doesn't work for me, it's not that we break up. It's that we try a different way of living together. And I think having that conversation and like maybe having that assurance is enough to give it a go. Listen, my angel, I have the exact same advice as Ash in its main tenants, which is you need to talk to your partner.

It's exactly the same. Ash, you fucking nailed it. You have to share this. You have to share this because if you're going to build a life together, this is about honesty. It's not saying, I think I'm going to. hate this and it's going to be terrible and, you know, I'm so doomer. It's saying, here's how I'm feeling and thinking, here's what's important to me. You have to talk about the nitty-gritty of what is important to you and find the we rather than the separate eyes. What can you do together? What is the we thing here? Like how can you build a life together if you don't know how the other

is feeling? He's going to just think, great, she's going to meet his air and she's going to be really happy. He'll have no idea about your fears and trepidation. You'll be managed them all in your own. You won't have your community there. So the first thing is you need to just talk. You just need to talk about the practicalities. You also need to talk about, you know, you said you want to have kids, taking the next step as important. What do you want your lives to look like?

Is it the idea that you're going to be living there forever that's really scaring you? Because you could easily sort that in one conversation. I'm just going to share a little bit about my life because that's what this put is for. I will be spending four months living with my partner in the city that he lives in. at the end of this year. Uh-huh, ho! Your Ashes, I was like, what the fuck? What the hellie?

Which, for those who know where he lives, is a crazy, crazy twist turn of events. And I am... You know what I would love to do, boy? I would love to just hook up a GoPro to you. You know what I mean? Like, sometimes, like, the way you live, it's sort of like, you know,

there are all these twists and turns, and then sometimes it's like, I don't know if you remember from like the Euro's Asia's going to Marseille, like, you know, the Russian football hooligan steaming down the cause union. I just want to put a GoPro to the top of your head and just like, see the decision making in real time. I love this. Okay, so the reason we're doing this is he's just got a flat and I'm going to, you know, sublet. I have a sabbatical from work that I'm doing.

And I basically, life, like you say, life in London is extortionate. The rent is extortionate. I'm going to be doing edits on my book and I need both no distractions and all. also, you know, I'll be making much less money because I'm on sabbatical. So the idea is as well, we want to see if there is a life together, a future together for us. So we're going to see what it's like to live together. And at the end of that, we might not stay living together for a bit because I might want to, I've got loads of things I want to do. I want to live a little cottage somewhere. I want to get a cat at some point. You know, I might want to come back to London.

There's all kinds of options. But we have very much talked about, okay, this is what happens it goes well. If it doesn't go well, this is what happens. But we're trying it. That's the whole point. And the reason I have fears around this. I have fears around the city. I have fears around mainly whether I make friends. I didn't do very well at making friends last time. I obviously quite scared about, you know, moving away from the comfort. But this time I'm really excited because we have talked about it. We've really got into the details of what we both want, both long term, short term, what we need, you know, space. I've already got ideas for things I want to go do, like clubs, I want to join hobbies,

where I have my own world and he has his own world. But we also talked about the shared world. And we have different ideas in some ways of where we want things to go. But we also have, you know, plans. We're like, okay, what would be the time limit we'd live in this place if it works out? When would we want to sell? What we're going to do to it? Because I've said, I don't want to spend my, you know, I don't see the rest of my time.

being spent in this flat, but I could see it in a flat that has certain things in a certain place, et cetera, et cetera. We've talked about the option of like, oh, imagine if I make so much money and we actually managed to get a place in London, I can spend a lot of time. And that's, you know, the ideal, but it's maybe it wouldn't happen. So we talk about a realistic option. We have talked so much. And because of that, I feel really, and I'm a runner and someone who often gets scared about things, but having already done a move and then come back, I also know I can come back, that's something. I know that actually my life doesn't materially change as much as I think it does and that I can build some of these things there with the support of someone who I have a

relationship with. That's also a difference. Like I'm moving somewhere with somebody else. It's not me on my own. It's as together as a team. That's a big thing. And it's also just like, you know, there's options. It's not a fixed thing forever. I think when you think I'm going to be, I've been cursed like Persephone to be in this place for, you know, the rest of my years and I need to escape this idea of escape. That's when it becomes a doomed idea, whereas, you know, you're thinking, okay, I need to talk to my partner about, I'm willing to live here for this amount of time, but afterwards, I'd like to go and do this and I'd like to see if that's possible. I'd like to see if you can move somewhere that has more of these things, you know, what are we going to work

towards? These are the conversation you've got to have. So the main thing, coming back to it, The main point is you've got to talk to your partner. Co-authoring. You are co-authoring your life. Yeah. Like that is what you're doing. And it's really hard because, like, you know, sometimes people get things more on their terms than the other partners,

but like it always has to be a co-authored thing. Yeah. And another thing to add to, you know, the move I'm doing, we've talked about how we'd be splitting money, etc. And he's been like, I'm investing in you because I think you're going to do really well. and then at some point I might want to take a break from work, you know? And then if it doesn't work out, this is how we'll split the contributions or whatever.

But if it does, this is down the line. I'd like to take some time of work and do this. And hopefully you'll be able to support me. And I'm like, yeah, that sounds really good. That sounds like a life that I want to be part of. So I'm excited for you special one. But I also really just want to say you can't spend the rest of your, if you're someone who loves community, the three betting shops are not going to be enough.

so you do have to talk to your partner. Yeah. Talk to your partner. Okay, final dilemma. Yes. Okay. Dear Ashton Moyer, I feel like you are two people who will be able to give great advice on the dilemma I find myself in. I am a committed environmentalist and have built a career in a technical aspect of decarbonization, where I now have significant expertise.

I also ultimately believe that the way to stop and reverse climate change is to move away from the capitalist economic model, which is built on extraction. However, given the timelines, the timelines of climate change, I don't believe a revolution or systems change can be proposed as the solution to the issue right now and steps for mitigation and adaptation have to be taken within the current capitalist framework. Wow, when do we get into the dilemma? I love this journal article. Wow, wow, wow. Love this piece in the new Left Review.

The dilemma. The dilemma. Sorry, special one I'm teasing. I love you special one. I'm just having a little tease. The dilemma. Because of my significant experience within this technical area, I have the opportunity to work for a big tech company, broadly working on improving the environmental impact of data centers. The company is on the better end of big tech and has ambitious public environmental commitments, but I'm not naive about how these companies work. My thinking is that if I can use my expertise and passion for the climate in this role, I may be able to ameliorate. some of the worst impacts of data centres, which will inevitably be built. In my industry, it is even possible data centres could have a net positive environmental and social impact. You have to trust me on this. I can continue to organise

with more radical groups outside of work pushing for systems change. A part of me thinks this cannot be compatible with my political outlook. That trying to improve the environmental performance of data centres is a losing battle, and that the job may take up too much of my time to organise elsewhere, as well as some of the groups I'm currently in perhaps not welcoming someone who works in big tech, not unreasonably. So I'm stuck. For further context, there are other jobs I could do with climate impact, although possibly less. The pay would be less, but still good. But I'm in quite a niche area with limited senior opportunities and I'm becoming quite desperate to leave my current job. So this is for sure impacting my thinking. Would love some advice. Thanks,

special one. Ah, Ash, I feel like you're better on this than me because I'm quite immoral. I don't know. I find this a really difficult one because I can see the case both ways. But I sort of wonder, I'm going to sort of like approach this from a different angle, which is like rather than trying to grapple with the issue, trying to grapple with what kind of person you are. Like, are you trying to talk yourself into something being okay that you kind of feel deep down isn't? And that's why you've laid out the chain of argumentation and your theory of change

and like, you know, theories of transition and mitigation and blah, blah, blah first. because ultimately it's not about here's my reasoning and I feel good about it. It's here's my reasoning so that maybe I can feel okay with it. Does that make sense? Yeah, of course. I think that's exactly what's happening. It's if difficult because you could also go in, get all the info about how a big tech company works in these things and then use that to set up your own project afterwards with the money. You know, there's other ways of gaining.

gaining this, gaining, using this experience that you might have and then taking it and doing something even more effective in accordance to your goals. I guess why we're struggling is because ultimately this is, this is, you've turned this, like this is a moral issue. You've written this as a moral issue. It's a, I can't decide for you whether this is in line with your morals or not. You have to decide that and you have to decide what are the outcomes that you'd want from this job. Where are your red line? you know, like is it that you go into this job and with six months, if you're not seeing the impact that you, like the positive impact that you think you can have, your idea is not

being listened to you, just turn out to be one cog in this big tech machine. You're like, actually I'm out. I'm out. That is one way of looking at it. It's like, okay, I'm going to try this and then I'm going to leave if it does not work. But you have to be very strict with that because, you know, lots of people get into these jobs and they're like, I'll do this and that and I'll leave. It doesn't work.

And they're like, but the money's so good. So you have to be like, okay, the money's going here. It's going in this fund. and you are desperate to leave your current job. I really understand that too. It's much harder to think when you're in a bad situation about what would be best next. I think my advice would be to,

because you say you potentially do it, I would really, really do your due diligence. What is actually possible in this job? Is it in line with your morals? If it is, write up, this is the conditions under which I'll do this job. And then you have to reassess them every three months. And if they're not being met, you have to leave.

that would be your moral code, I think. But again, I can't decide that for you. That's just my suggestion. I have nothing to add to that because I think that that's really good. Thank you. Great practical advice. Okay. By the time you guys are listening to this, we will have done a sold out show in Sheffield.

Steeltown, baby. And hopefully we rocked your world. And if we didn't, I'm sorry, no refunds. I would love I'm sorry, no refunds to become a new tagline. Hi, this is if I speak. I'm sorry no refunds. It's a completely free show. We're not even allowed to monetise this.

No. That's why we're paid not badly, but like, you know. Look, there are people making more money from podcasts than us. But part of the reason why we do it this way is because you are funding a whole journalistic organization. No, for me it's love of the game. That's for you. For me, this is my Grammcian. Long march through the institutions.

Ash's got an agenda. I just like a platform with a love of the game. And those are the conditions. And if those are being met for me, I stay. I stay. My conditions are I need to spread the word of socialism through a large media company and to the rest of Britain. Clutching, you know, capital volume one.

Have you heard the good news? Okay, we've overstayed a welcome. So we will see you. Goodbye. Adios. And everyone in Shefford, I'm glad you had the best time in your life. Inshallah. Anshallah. Bye!

Bye!