If I Speak - 39: I’m in big trouble! Your dilemmas answered

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

Ash and Moya tackle another bumper crop of your dilemmas, including a special one who wants to stop mothering her friends, a burned-out student struggling to get back on track, a self-confessed slacker looking for a meaningful career, and an expat looking for laughs. Email your missed connections and dilemmas to [e-mail] Music by Matt […]

Hello and welcome to a Dilemma Special. If I speak, joining me is my, I need to think of another word other than co-pilot or co-conspirator. Comrade. Moia Lothian-McLean. Comrade. Okay. Okay. Hello. Hi. I'm your comrade. My comrade. So like I said, there's going to be all dilemmas. How do you, how do you feel in your spirit? Like when you're preparing to give lots of advice, is there something, something that goes into it? A training regime? I'll be honest with you Ash, I've got no brain. I'm sick and I'm overworked.

And that means that when I'm preparing, this advice is going to be so fucking raw and freewheeling. This advice is going to be possibly bad. It could be bad advice and therefore we're not liable. It's really important that I tell people we are not liable if you take our advice. Please do not litigate. That's the one condition of listening to this podcast for free. Do not sue us. If you want us to give you some very bad advice through the haze of cold and flu medicine, just email us at if I speak at NavarroMedia.com. That's if I speak at NavarroMedia.com. But before we address other people's problems, the chief inquisitor,

Moira Lothian-McLean, has questions for me. Chief inquisitor makes me feel like I'm going to burn people in the town square. You might. Maybe I will. Okay. Themed always, obviously. What is your go-to sickness remedy? Oh, my go-to sickness remedy.

Okay. If we're talking about things to like eat or drink. It really does depend on the kind of sickness, but if we're thinking like coldy, flemmy, it will have to be a ginger tea, which I make myself from fresh ginger, with a little bit of honey, a squeeze of lime if I have it, always good. My mom thinks that that cues everything. Like I could say to my mom, literally any illness,

I could be like, mom, I've got dengue fever, and she'd be like, well, steepeded ginger that's what you're gonna need say mom I have crippling anxiety it's like steeped ginger 100% she's right she's so right she's right also plain boiled rice like maybe with a tiny bit of lemon tiny bit of butter on it but plain boiled rice 100% is that just if you have an upset stomach is that just if you have an upset stomach, is that just for everything? Definitely upset stomach, but also for everything. Like there are times when I have a cold where like I just can't face eating.

Yeah. So that's why I go for. What about you? I feel like you're gonna have like so many like Herefordshire homemade hedgerow remedies. No, because I'm one of those people who when they are sick refuses to succumb to sickness and just powers through. So I don't believe in remedies. To Neurofen, get on with your fucking day. No, I've actually, I am taking the day. I am taking,

I do take days off now. That's something that's good in my adult development, but it is very much a case of I need to, if I can move around, I will still go for like a long walk because part of my sickness usually comes from the fact that I'm overstretched, overworked and not been sleeping enough. So for me, it's like, okay, what is relaxation? Like I haven't had an upset tummy in so long, but I'll get colds when I'm right. And that's when I know my body's saying, you are working too much and not sleeping enough. And I know that means I have need to go on a long walk and then need to sit down and read a book. Like those, that's a six day remedy for me. Cause the psychological that's linked to my sickness,

even that's not how colds are called. It's upset tummies that like very often happen for periods of stress. I'll be like really stressed and overworked and then like I'll have a whole night of vomiting. That's fascinating. My friend, this is another thing, IBS, don't come at me all the IBS people, but a lot of IBS conditions that I know of. I've got friends who've got chronic IBS and a lot of it is linked to them for stress. And that's what makes it so difficult because they'll try every single remedy, like all the calming stuff, all like, you know, different tonics, cut things out of their diet. And it really just come down to the fact that

they've actually got this underlying stress or underlying distress. Same with when I had my eczema really badly, like the psychodermatology behind it was, as soon as I started tackling the death of my father, all the eczema disappeared from my hands. And the only time it comes back, like I've got a bit now, it's in a mix of, the real trigger for it is stress. Like the real

trigger is like, I've had this big life change and I've got a bit on my face. And it can get exacerbated by things I'm doing, if I'm, you know, I've got a mountain cold and I'm rubbing it a lot, but the real trigger actually is how stressed I am. It's sort of like an instant bellwether of what I'm feeling psychologically and how that plays out in my body. Anyway, got another question for you. If you were a man and you were going bald, would you get a hair transplant? Only if I could get a hair transplant from the same people who I believe did Lewis Hamilton's hair. Because that man, that man either, either, you know, God is real and miracles happen

or like a Nobel prize winning hair transplant expert worked on him. Like, like absolutely incredible. So unless I could literally get the same team that worked on Lewis Hamilton, I think I would just shave it all off. I think that like bald men, they embrace it look very distinguished. Same for me.

It's like, look, if you're losing your hair to the point where you can do a comb over and you are doing a comb over and those still occur. Get rid of it. Like if you cannot afford a hair transplant, just get rid of it. I promise you what you're doing now. You're probably not doing it for the ladies, you know, like men think they do stuff for ladies, heterosexual ones specifically think they do stuff for ladies, actually for other men. It's actually for other men. But either way, the people you're trying to appeal to, you will look

better with it bald. You will look better with the hair off. Like it's either that or you become Michael Fabricant. Like go all in. I went to a Halloween party with some new friends this year and one of them was dressed as Fred from Scooby Doo. But we were joking that the wig was giving Michael Fabricant and then next year I realised I'm going to dress as Michael Fabricant. That's my costume for next year.

See I thought one year about dressing as Princess Diana and I thought now I'm going to end dress as Michael Fabricant. That's my costume for next year. See, I thought one year about dressing as Princess Diana and I thought now I'm going to end up at Michael Fabricant. Yes. And do you do you want to be the Andy Street to my Michael Fabricant? What does Andy Street look like? Andy Street is small and has glasses. When I found this is one of my favourite facts of all time. When I found out that Michael Fabricant's long term partner, A existed because he gives

like, you know, complete, like the true eccentrics, he gives a man who has no sexual desires. And when I found out Michael Fabricant not only had a long term partner, but that his long term partner was former head of John Lewis and held up as one of the only successful conservative mayors who didn't do mass corruption, allegedly, I was floored. That's one of the... Wait, what? Andy Street is Michael Fabricant's boyfriend. What? Long-term boyfriend.

No, no, no, no, no. Let me look at this. Look at this. I'm so glad I got to tell you this. Let me look at this. I'm so glad I got to tell you this. They have a house in France, I think. Wow. They like... Often in France, I think. Wow. They like, often been described as close friends. They're not their partners.

And when Mr. El Piero asked if they were partners, Mr. Fabricant said, we're life partners. Yeah, they're partners. They, and if throughout the election, they were like boiling each other up in each other's social media and stuff. They're literally, they're long-term partners. I think that if Michael Walker put a brown wig on, he could actually do a pretty good

Andy Street. Yeah, I know, but he would never ever let himself get less attractive for Halloween. That's not Michael's style. Whereas I am willing to, I've just seen Michael Jackson dangling the baby over the balcony before. Like, I am happy. Oh my god, you know what, you know what we could go as? What?

This would probably result in both of our cancellation. Be the light skinned friend look like Michael Jackson. Dark skinned friend look like Michael Jackson. Not just pulling that one, but also pulling from a Kanye song. So, like, doubly done. To be fair, as I like to say, when Kanye turned into, you know, Ye, he legally changed his name. And, fortuitously, he legally changed his name,

and that's when he started releasing the worst music of all time and becoming overtly anti-Semitic and, you know, having his mental breakdowns. He literally changed his name. So you can listen to Kanye. He and Ye are actually separate entities. That is a hill I'll die on. But yeah, let's do Michael Fabricano and Andy Street next year.

They're long-time partners. They're my favorite political facts. Okay, here's another one. Favorite chapter of your own book? Oh my god. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Oh my god. Oh, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Okay, right, there's two that come to mind. One is a chapter called Demographic Panic,

which looks at transphobia and looks at great replacement stuff and connects them and looks at them replacement stuff and connects them and looks at them both as a way in which the right are trying to reestablish control over who is procreating and like reproducing the nation. And so looking at those two things together and looking at them through the lens of, in

particular, the great replacement stuff, some of my own experiences where people have taken things I've said out of context because they need to believe the great replacement is real. So it's like the scavenging for clues where someone says the thing. And really looking at the role of fantasy in both of these things and people fantasizing about things they've seen and heard. For example, there's a story which I talk about where a conservative counsellor was like, I was in the ladies' loos and then a trans woman came out of the toilet. And that goes into all this detail about the trans woman's body. It's like she's just that goes into all these this detail about the trans woman's body. It's like she's just like

taken over, like fixated by the idea of this trans woman's body. And what she says she hears is, I'm just going to wipe my hands on my penis. And then a trans woman who was like, this is really embarrassing. I think this might have been me. There was no hand towels in this, like ladies lose. So I just said, I'll wipe my hands on my jeans. And like I said, jeans, you had penis. And I just thought that that was an example of like, you know, you become so enmeshed in this way of thinking about another group of people that every single thing they do becomes yet more evidence of their malign intent and it renders you impossible to see them for who they are. So I liked that chapter. I liked writing it because it sort of drew together some things for my own purpose. There's the chapter which I think is going to annoy the most people, which I also really, really love and it's the the first chapter. And it's called, How the Eye Took Over Identity Politics.

And what it looks like, what it looks at is the culture of like victimhood and weaponized grievance and how that plays out on the left in terms of social status, people being able to dominate certain spaces. I think that the left has created in some ways a really dysfunctional political culture,

particularly when it comes to like fishing out bad ideas. Like, like I'm just, there are so many times where I've like been like at a panel discussion and someone said something which is like objectively kind of dumb and everyone's gone like, yes. And I'm just like, that's so bad. Like, like one was, and this is an example which I talk about in the book is a panel.

In this country where someone said we have to dismantle any of our movements which are not majority POC. And I was like, yeah, and I'm like, this is an 80% white country. Like, what is this majority POC gonna come from? Like we all have other things to do. Like for fuck's sake, this is this is crazy. But because it's the raddest, most minoritarian thing, it's like there are social incentives for saying the most minoritarian

thing, regardless of whether or not it's true or helpful or whatever. And then the thing that I then look at at the end of the chapter is the genocide in Gaza and that this playbook of weaponized grievance has been taken up by Israel's advocates where it's like constantly rolling around on the floor pretending that you've been injured and using literally lifting language and frameworks which have come from progressives and the liberal left, like, well, every group gets to define their own oppression. This is my lived experience. But doing it in the service of shutting down solidarity with the Palestinians. Because for me, the important thing isn't just like what goes on in these like, you know, relatively marginal spaces on the left is that like we've

created a playbook, which is being used against left-wing causes. And unless you can be honest about the weaknesses of our own ideas, it's going to keep happening. So sorry, that was a really long answer, but those are my two favorites, chapter one and chapter six. Chapter one and chapter six, noted, clocked. I'm sure when your book actually comes out, we can do a whole episode where I'm just sort of interviewing about your book. Is that a normal thing for us to do? Can I do that? Maybe where you're just like, I do not think this is right.

And I'll be like, I don't know, I'm out of road two years ago. No, no, no, I wouldn't say that. Also, I think you will have a lot of people who agree with it now. I'm seeing a way more refusion of the eye and identity politics in the wake of the results in the US particularly.

That's just like people are kind of like, we just need to say it, this is not working, it's not working. We need to go back to the focus on the class above all else, kind of what you're saying about the material. Okay. And I think also just like, I think that for me, the thing which like underpins it,

it's not just like what you're saying, what you're focusing on. It's about like what the rules governing the social space are. Like if the rules governing the social space are that no one can say when they think an idea is bad, you're going to come out with more bad ideas. Yeah. Like if you can't, if you can't contest these things, honestly, that doesn't mean that every time you think that something's bad, that you're right.

But if you can't say it, if you can't say like, I don't think this is counterproductive, like, you know, because you're scared of being socially ostracized or like, you know, losing your, your job within the movement or your status within the movement or whatever, you're just going to come out with a load of wrong shit. I come out with a load of wrong shit anyway. I just love coming out with a load of wrong shit. That's just my my special special subjects special subjects. Not the right word is it my mastermind specialist subjects being wrong. There's a lot of me being wrong in the book. Did we ever do the question of like, what would your specialist subject be on MasterCard?

What would your specialist subject be? Something to do with music, something to do with pop music, probably, probably something horrible. I could probably do like, yeah, I'm not going to say what it was, but I could definitely do something on pop music at some, in some era, but it would have to be probably contemporary. I think maybe, yeah, the life and times of a certain pop star would probably be my special subject. I'm going to lash it. You also be the friend of a revolution. Which pop star? It is hard actually. Who would I do? Who would I do? Because we all think we know them and then

you got a mastermind. They're asking you stuff like, how old was Beyonce when she first appeared on Star Search? And you actually realize you don't know any of this. So I don't know, maybe samples. I could do some samples. I could do the intros around. I could do samples and sample and other songs. I'd have to think about this more. What would your special subject be? Um, maybe the Julio-Claudian dynasty. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was what I was going to say too. You've got, you've, no, but you've got to like narrow it down. Like you've got to narrow it down, right? So it's like, okay, it's Julius Caesar to Nero. Of course, of course, of course.

You know, Nero, Claudius and... So this is the way it goes from being a republic to an empire. Yeah. So Augustus is the. He's also a man so interesting. Like they don't admit for a really long time that like they've become an empire as such. It's like you have this imperial family, but still the emperor calls himself Primus Interparis. I'm merely the first amongst equals. Yes, yes, of course.

Sounds a bit like America. What is so interesting? So interesting. And will you be watching gladiator to historical? I will be even though it's getting slated. The Guardian liked it. They gave it four stars. They said it's really good. Peter Bradshaw gave it four stars, he says it's actually really good. Don't believe the haters. Let us move on to some dilemmas. Do you wanna read out the first one? Yeah, let's go on, let's solve some problems.

Right, let me just get into problem solving mode. Limber up. Dear Ash and Moya, long time podcast stan. I very much enjoy you guys as company and ability to always stretch my brain. How do I stop being the mum of the group? I'm 28 and recently emigrated to Australia with two good friends and we live together. We're the same age. For context, I'm a woman. Brackets question answered. Question mark. And the eldest of two daughters, classic. And suddenly lost my dad as I turned 22, which my ma'am understandably struggled with. Prior to that, there was a messy divorce and a poor relationship

between my parents, of which my ma'am definitely overconfided in her then teenage daughter and placed responsibilities upon me I didn't want so that shouldn't have been given. I understand where my compulsion to mother people comes from, part to control, anxiety, partly my career, healthcare, partly my role in the family and being the rock during multiple difficult times, but I don't want to do it anymore. Part of the reason I left the UK was to gain space and independence, as after bereavement and covid I feel like my life isn't in the place where I ideally like it to be, and my masters and change of circumstance

felt like a fresh start. I feel like it's aging me and making me a dull person. I do actively try and go against my instincts and relinquish control, but the internal desire is still definitely there. So basically, how do I stop mothering? I feel like I spend so much of my time encouraging people to make responsible choices, such as not over drinking, sinking money, etc, which I know is none of my business. But it's hard to ignore when finances appear to be a constant worry cooking and cleaning as well as not being able to feeling able to enjoy things my friends do. I know my friends love me and know I'm coming from a good place. But I guess I'd never noticed how much I feel compelled to mother. Yours, an uninfused single mother.

Ash. Oh my god, it's me. I identify with this a lot. I suppose my advice would be this, you seem to really know where this is coming from. Like you have connected this to like your experience of being a parentified child, the fact that like, this is a way in which you receive validation and meaning and purpose, because it's the thing that you learned in your family of origin. So there's the compulsion to repeat if even if you don't want it, like the understanding is very much there. I suppose there are like two things. One is like, how to begin changing your own thinking. And then the other is like, how do you put mechanisms in your life to try and encourage and facilitate a change that you want?

So the first is that when it comes to changing your own thinking, this is the most difficult thing in the world to do. You just have to recognize that like, you fundamentally lack control over other people, that like, you know, you're 28, you say, your friend's probably in their late 20s. So when it comes to things like drinking and sinking money, it's like that's what people in their 20s do. Right. And then hopefully they grow out of it. Right.

And you can advise when they want your advice, but ultimately you have to accept that it's their life, right? It's, it's their like pathway and they've got to walk it and they've got to learn from their mistakes just the same way you do. Just the same way you do. So I think having a little thing in your head where you can go like separate person, different life, like I have to let them live it their way, I think is useful. But if you really want to change this about yourself, like this is something which comes up with me

and my partner a lot where he's just like, you're doing the thing again, you're doing the thing again, where you're taking responsibility in places where no one has asked you to. I find it helpful. It has helped me like achieve little changes, I suppose, is like having someone being like, you're doing the thing,

and it coming from a place of love. And I think you can ask your friends to do it. You can ask your friends like, look, if you see me doing this thing, I really wanna change this about myself. Can we agree that you'll give me a prod and that will help me achieve this change in behavior that I want.

Yeah, it's kind of like you've come to us for advice, but I still do this all the time. So you're just sort of asking the mother to lead the mother. Like Ash says, you know what's wrong, so I'm not gonna give you the analysis. In terms of addressing the behavior, I would say pausing before responding to something

your friends have bought to you is a really good start. Because I think it's not necessarily like you will ever iron out the knee jerk response to mother someone. But if you take a breath, if you take half an hour to respond to a text, if when they come to you and you're on a walk and they say, you know, I'm spending all this money and they don't actually want you to fix it they just want to complain about it you just have to take a moment and swallow down your first response and think through it because your first response will be like have you tried this you could do this you can what if you do that just hold that in for one second and then think, how do I respond and go instead? Oh, tell

me more about that. Keep doing that is what I would advise. Pausing before you respond to something, pausing before. And that doesn't always work for me. Sometimes I will, especially if I'm tired or stressed about other stuff, I will just instantly try and be like, okay, just respond because I want to get off my plate. And that's when I find myself slipping back into mothering patterns. But as we always say, if you care from a place of resentment, it's not caring at all. It's actually something else completely.

So hold that in your head as well. And I think the other thing is, as Ash has pointed out, this is where you find value in yourself. So you need to establish that you are valued in other ways. You need to establish that this is not the thing that your friends value for. And in fact, maybe sometimes it might make them value you less because it's annoying. Sometimes these are the things that actually cause tension within our friendships. But because we've learned that's what we can provide with,

we're sort of stuck in this pattern. And it's like, how can I actually, you know, what else do, what else do my friends value about me? And you don't, it doesn't mean they need to tell you all the time, but just, you just being there as a presence, you replying, you simply listening, these are things people value way more. Some of my friends really weirdly have said,

I'm a great listener, which is hilarious to me because I feel like I'm a terrible listener. But I guess that shows that the thing of like sitting and going, yes, and just like repeating back to them what they've said to me and then encouraging them to carry on more is working rather than simply doing what I always want to do, which is like fixing it. But it takes a long time to address these patterns.

And I think from the answers we've given, you can tell we're still in the middle of it. So again, don't beat yourself up too much. You've just moved countries. You're not going to suddenly overnight be able to jettison. Remember, you follow yourself around. You're always with you. You're running from yourself.

You can't run. You have to turn around and face it and say, okay, this is part of me. Step by step, I built the next person step by step, you know, brick by brick. I also think let people help you do it. Let people help you do it, because also that's a reversal of the responsibility dynamic that you're in. And it also helps chip away at it, I think.

And shall I shall I move us on? Yep. Next dilemma. Next dilemma. Dear Ashen Mer, I would like to start by saying that the podcast has been a great listen and highly therapeutic this year. Honestly, look forward to Tuesday so much more due to If I Speak. My dilemma revolves around a general feeling of being lost after dropping out of university mid last year. During my years of study of law, I'd been dealing with a turbulent and toxic relationship with my own parents due to their separation. My relationship with my mother had seriously deteriorated during my time studying. There was pressure on me to be emotional support despite being told I was never enough. On top of this I had the average student financial struggles.

My mental health declined and resulted in a breakdown before my final year exams. It really is something I'm not proud of and have been trying to move on from for the better part of a year and a half. However, I feel so stuck on how to move forward. I've been improving my lifestyle and going to the gym regularly, but feel as though I have seriously spoiled my chances at a career and future prospects. As well as this, my family situation has only gotten worse and I have effectively cut myself off from my mother due to how she made me feel about myself. I've been thinking about wanting to appeal and complete my final year of study, but I still have a fundamental fear of collapsing under stress and pressure again. Do you have any advice on how to rebound from leaving study

and how to rebuild that self-confidence if I were to try again? Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry all those things happened. That's, that is a real knock. And the way you say that you're not proud of it. I hate that you say that. Like you had a breakdown. It's not something to be ashamed of. It happens to a lot of people. It's not something that you're like, don't worry, I'm moving on. Like, I'm not proud of this thing. I really hope you can get to a place where you realize that what happened to you is not your fault and isn't something that you can have direct control over in a way that would allow you to be proud or not proud of it.

That's not a way that I hope that you can frame this. It's not a useful way to frame this. And I don't say that to make you feel more ashamed. I'm just like, please go easy on yourself. So many people end up dropping out of things. So many people are like, I can't take this. Surely better to drop out and come back than just like absolutely burn out, flame out for good and just be stopped.

And the fact that you've made efforts to try and improve your lifestyle, as you put it, and hopefully get to a place where you feel much more sturdy. That shows that instinct is there. That shows that you've got this. God, it's just really hard. No, you haven't spoiled your future career

and prospects at all. Again, much better to come back when you are more sure of what you want and you're aware of the burden you're taking on. In terms of, it just sounds like you've got so much happening, it's like where to begin. This relationship with your family is gonna be a constant pressure on you.

But then how do you not flame out again? You just need people around you who can support you. Do you have that friend network? Do you have a set up where if you're appealing for this, you know that at this institution you're gonna be at, then you've got tutors support from like the academic staff as well to be there. And also that you can tell yourself

that you've got a structure in place. So it's not gonna fall apart the moment you feel stressed because you will feel stressed and you will feel pressure. That's not a sign of that you're failing again or that you're going to flame out. That is just something that happens with university courses, with new jobs, all of these things like the dilemma we answered recently about the person who was finding it a struggle to do their access to work course.

All of these things, yeah, exacerbate the stuff. I think just don't panic and don't spiral, but definitely write the appeal. I think even getting the appeal and succeeding in that will boost your self confidence because it's when other people start believing you again that you that boost it. But yeah, please don't feel ashamed of having a breakdown. You was you had so much going on. Yeah, I think that like, you know, you're totally right in everything you said, Moira. And the first piece that's missing is that you sound like you don't really accept yourself. You sound

like you don't really accept that this was your experience, that this is a part of your story. And whatever you do next is just going to have to incorporate that into your sense of who you are. That doesn't mean you have to make it your identity. It doesn't mean that you're the person who had a breakdown forever, but you can't just wipe it off the slate and make it go away. It's a part of your life and it's probably been a very important part of your life. And there are different ways to look at it. You can look at that in terms of like, it marks me and mars me forever. Or you can go, no, this is something that I had to get through. And whatever

comes next is shaped by that perspective that I got the hard way, right? I got perspective the hard way by going through something really difficult. So that's the first thing is that I think that there is a lack of acceptance around this being a part of your story. And I think the second thing is like, it sounds a little bit to me like you're taking all these things that have happened and shoving it into a decision to be made

about your career and your education. Now, those things are really important, hugely important, but I think that you just need to take a minute and grapple with the fact that what has happened over the last few years is that your family exploded underneath you. And I think that can happen to people in different ways. Like in this case, it was a separation

and a broken down relationship between you and your mom specifically. For other people, it might be a bereavement or someone being taken ill or incarceration or a major falling out or something like that. But I think what happens when you have those sort of major disruptions and changes within your family, it's like this foundation,

the ground that you had your feet on, right? Even if it was a difficult family. It's like this foundation, the ground that you had your feet on, right? Even if it was a difficult family, it's like, well, this is where I come from. These are the people who formed my origin. That's just exploded. It's just exploded. You're reckoning with feeling more alone in the world and feeling like it's all on you and dealing with adulthood from a position of like extreme instability and the instability being the stuff that's happened. And so I think that whatever decision you make,

you have to start once again by going, this thing happened in this way and it made me feel these things. Like you don't live or die by this next decision about your education and your career. I think part of the reason why it feels so intense and important, these are important things, but I think the reason why it feels like it comes with all this like added weight is because it's like, well, this is going to be the thing which renews my sense of purpose, stability, direction, because this other thing, my family of origin,

has completely gone to pot. And that's a lot of weight to put on some specific decisions about your next bit of direction. So I think the practical advice that Moira has offered is right, but I think that these are just things to add to it because you're talking about how to rebound and how to rebuild self-confidence.

I think that understanding and accepting these things and being able to go, this has happened. It has radically altered my perspective on life. And that's all right. It was right to do so. Like it was a very big deal. Yeah, shall we go to the next dilemma? You're up. It's me. Okay. Dear Moya and Ash, you're not only my favorite podcasters, but also my most trusted parasocial relationship. I need your sharp advice to help me decide what to do

at my current career crossroad. Really, I'm feeling like the careers advisor today. I'm loving it. I am 28 years old and finished my master's studies a couple of years ago. Since then, I've had a few part-time jobs, traveled a lot, spent some time doing activism, but voluntarily avoided full-time employment. For context, I live in a country that has free higher education and good social services.

I also have a low consumption level and a cheap living situation. Therefore, money is not really a big issue at the moment. I'm currently in my slacker era. I have a part-time job that is unfulfilling, but pays extremely well, does not demand much from me and still leaves me with surplus energy after work. Oh my God, can we swap lives? What country is this? What country is this? In a typical week, I spend more time with my friends than I do

doing wage labor. I've long suspected that a full-time job is not for me, at least not compatible with the lifestyle I want. The few times I've worked a 9-5 job five days a week, my social life has suffered. I felt exhausted after work and have neither had the time nor the energy to be spontaneous, social, fun or creative in my daily life. While I want to maintain my current lifestyle as a slacker, socialite and party girl, I still want to use my skills to contribute to the world. I'm sick of my current job and have a strong desire to start working in my dream job as a history and social science teacher. I've been applying for jobs for a while but the lack of response from employers has been discouraging. However, recently I finally got a job offer as a social science teacher. The problem is that the position is full time and right now it seems impossible for me to find any part-time teaching positions.

Should I decline my dream job and continue in my current professional limbo? I've read that as himbo initially. A current professional limbo until I find the perfect arrangement. My gut feeling is that this could take a long time or should I, as my parents are advising, lower my standards on how I want my life to be and accept the job? Maya, what do you think? Actually, I think I can answer this so well because I left a dream setup in terms of work hours, spare time because I felt that I needed to go get some different skills that, which I meant Navarro obviously.

Navarro was a dream setup. My work-life balance was gorgeous. The work was great, you know, four days a week. Honestly, in a heartbeat, I would love that four day week back. But because Navara at the current point, I wasn't adding the value I thought I could and I needed to go somewhere else

to get some different skills, a special set of skills, to do some different stuff and fill the gap that I had that I couldn't at that point at Navara. I now work a five day a week job that is incredibly demanding and very stressful. And that is an important stepping stone to get to wherever I want to be finally, which I won't talk about, but I have a very clear idea of what my dream setup will be at some point in my life. And it's much more melded with the two.

I want to be working less days a week, but I want to be able to have, I need to get these skills and in order to get these, like the particular skills that I'm talking about, the reporting skills, the experience, the going out on the ground, the doing that like turnaround long form reporting, I couldn't do it at Navara with my current setup. It's not that Navara doesn't do this. It's just there wasn't room for me to train up at that time, basically.

So I had to go to Mars to do that. And this, you know, I don't want this to be my workload forever, I don't want this to be the, like, I just, I know that that would kill me if it was forever, but right now it's necessary and it's useful. And it's just like, sometimes you have to do stuff and it might be for a year, it might be for five years, it might be for X amount of years

because you have the goal at the end. But being in the field in the first place is gonna get you a lot closer to having your part-time social sciences job than not being in the field. So my advice is take the fucking job and do it for a bit until you have that point where you can transition to another job. You're more likely to get a part-time social science teacher job in your country if you have already done a job as a social sciences teacher than like waiting around. But who knows, maybe your country

is one of those where you actually do have just like general career mobility and can can move into different fields without people demanding you have X amount of years. But to me, it just makes more sense. Go and do this job for a bit, see how it is. But at the very least, you're getting the experience that you want to move further into the position that you want to be. And you can always, I must stress this, you can always get a different job. Like you can always leave, you can always go back to the job that you have or something like it,

because as you say, that's enough to live on. I have a completely toxic relationship to work. I'm like the worst person to give this advice. Oh, and what's that? Because I'm like overwork forever. There is no limit. I thought- The limit is the grave. You know that I thought that Ash,

but then I have discovered there is actually a limit. I think... No, I've not found it. The level of overwork is overwork. I'll tell you about another time. There are limits, I'll tell you that. That's free. Yeah, but I think it's necessary. I think it's necessary. It's good to go and do this job. Deep down, there is a like, Soviet grafter, like piloting my brain. Yeah, I'm a really

bad person to give advice on this because I draw so much my identity from work and so much of my identity from working hard that that's probably come at the expense of lots and lots of other things. Like work doesn't just have like a dominant role in my own life, it impacts my partner, it impacts other people in my life. The fact you even have a partner tells me that you're actually not at the limits of your work. So come back when you cut off your dating life, come back there and then we'll chat. Well the thing is, the thing that drew me and my partners together like at the start is that we both took our work really seriously and that's what made us really direct with

each other. You were like, we have to be like this. We were like no fucking about, like no ambiguity. Like you know, I'm, there can be no drama, there can be no game playing because like, you know, we don't have time like very mission oriented. And I think that that was good. I think the thing which is like maybe, you know, more difficult is that like, I feel

that I have to be very self controlled all the time when I'm in public 24 hours a day, because I'm like, well, I'm always working in a way. There isn't a time where I get to... There are things that my partner wants to do and I'm like, well, I can't do it in that way. That's just too ridiculously exposing and I can't do it. So my work has had a massive impact on not just my life, but the lives of my loved ones as well. So again, my way of tackling these questions is so like, I don't even know if I'm using this word correctly, but like stucarnivite in its own way. Basically, I think that there is value in killing yourself for the purposes of being productive. But that's fucked up. That's not what they're asking. That's not even what they're asking, Ash. They're just asking whether they should take this job. And I'm like, yes, you should,

because your long term goal is to work in this field. Take this job now. You're closer to the four day or three day week that you want in the long run. Embrace pain. Okay, we've revealed, we've seen too much. There are people listening to her too much. Okay, next dilemma. Take the job, listener. Is it me reading? Okay.

Long time listener, first time caller here. I grew up in Ireland and moved to the US three years ago to start a PhD in a big city. In many ways, my life is close to perfect. I'm doing something I love. I'm making a living wage. I live in an exciting city. I have a partner I care about, lots of friends. There's good job prospects in my field and I love the openness, positivity and sense of possibility of life in the US. Wonder when you sent this. But there's one thing, major thing I feel is missing. There's few people who really share my sense of humor and I rarely have the energetic, funny, irreverent conversations that let me connect with people and feel alive as a social being. I feel like good UK and Irish conversations, especially group

conversations at parties, about sharing funny incidents, being ironic, laughing at yourself and others, the ridiculous of living in human society. Here, few people share my idea of a good conversation. People are far more factual and sincere. Often I feel like people are just loudly and confidently saying things I find banal and uninteresting. I don't care about your trip to the garden centre unless you have a story about how you disgraced yourself in front of the hot guy behind the desk. Back home, people judge you negatively if you take up space in conversation saying something no one cares about. But here

lots of people don't care about whether anyone is interested in what they're saying. Conversations feel like a bunch of foghorns blaring into the void. I'm going to finish my PhD soon and need to decide whether to settle down or move back home. In some ways I like American sincerity. It makes it easier to develop a quality one-on-one relationship with a partner. It's easy to make work connections and superficial friendships. And I know that Irish slash UK jokiness also sometimes makes it harder to connect with people in some respects. Conversation quality seems like a stupid thing to put at the centre of a big life decision.

But is it worth having an otherwise great life if you're never really having that much fun? What a fucking great question. Irish philosophy right there. Amazing. Such a great question. I mean, look, I like for me being in a context where I feel culturally understood and like I understand the culture is so, so important, like so, so important. And I think that things like sense of humor, a way of having conversation. It doesn't mean you all have to be

from identical cultural backgrounds, but like having a shared language and a shared register and shared way of talking for me is just like, I know that for me as a person that that is central to my happiness, like so, so central to my happiness. And, you know, I've really my happiness. And, you know, I really, I've enjoyed, you know, working in different countries and interacting with people from different backgrounds.

I really do like it. But when I spend a lot of time there, I, the thing that I miss is the sense of humor and the Ryaness and the sarcasm, like, you know, sometimes when I talk to Americans, I feel like they're talking to a child, like the way adults say to each other, good job. I'm like, what? Like, like it's just, it's just not my way of doing things. So me personally, not feeling like I was part of a conversational culture that I vied with, that would be enough to make me want to move back home. But that's me. I'll put it simply, as I always say, a shared sense of humor denotes a shared worldview. Because if you find the same things funny, you're laughing at the same like stimulation,

you understand the world in a similar way. That to me is what sense of humor when people say I need them to find something funny, I want a partner who finds something funny, what they're actually asking for is a partner or a friend who has a similar worldview. Because you know, the person who laughs at Mrs Brown Boys, we do not share a worldview. We do not find the same things funny. We do not understand the world in the same way. And therefore the way of making fun of the world or making light, we do not respond to that in the same way. Whereas someone who's like, I don't know, making jokes about Kamala's slave blowout, it's the same sort of shared ironic worldview that I have. That to me is what humor means.

And I guess the question really is that you need to ask is, can I build a life with in a place where I don't feel like the majority of people share my worldview? And I don't know the answer to that. Only you can answer that because all these other things are really important to you. The quality of living that you're having, the good job, the prospects, the fact that you think the US is open.

I do wonder if since sending this dilemma in, whether you might have changed your mind on some of those things, but it depends on the state you live in. For me, I would probably, the worldview is enough to send me packing. I know where I want to stay. I know that I need the people around me who I feel understood by and who share my worldview in a way that makes me feel connected to them. Those are the most important people in my life, but I'm without a partner.

So it might be different for you, but I would I would probably be coming home Let's try and like speedrun a couple more. Okay, I'm gonna choose one. Oh, this is one that I Really vibed with so I'm gonna read it out. Okay, I'll read both. That is what it says That's not me making fun of anyone's accent. All right before I get cancelled. I read both I'm in a bit of a bind I'm using a throwaway account because I'm quite ashamed in how I'm feeling at the moment. For context, I grew up in a town that was a bit wild and traditional, northern working class values, both for good

and for ill. As a result, I grew up with a very defined sense of what strength is. Basically, stand up for yourself, be assertive, look people in the eye, say things from your chest, if you don't ask, you don't't get etc. I don't consider this a gender trait, hence why I've always enjoyed you both the most in Navara, not select towards any of the other presenters. I think I just identify with you both the most because you exude these traits the most I think. A big thing I learned from growing up in this environment was people distrust and despise weak people even if they're lovely interpersonally. Obviously that's not great, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of that that still feels true to me. I still don't

know how to feel about that. What makes it worse is I'm mates with a guy who has my pinpoint definition of weak. Softly spoken, meek, shy, a bit frail, doesn't tend to express strong opinions on anything, very squeamish and very naive to any conception of being streetwise, bit of a bumbler. What's confusing is that this shouldn't matter to me. We're both in our early thirties, he's one of my favourite people and his fascination with the world and funny quirks are really inspirational to me. What's more is that it's become clearer something neurological is clearly going on and he either has no idea or is in denial. I think the latter. I'm trying not to resent the weak side of him, but I just do. He's never been broke, never struggled, never been in a physical altercation, etc. Life has pretty much been

the middle class dream for him, and it shows in his lack of resilience and perspective on the hard bits of life. I want him to grow as a person and get more of what he wants, e.g. a partner that loves and respects him and some self-actualisation in the world. But part of it clearly comes from shit that's a me problem. It's making me sad to feel this way about someone I love and it doesn't reflect who I think I am. But seeing this fellow ruining his life makes me want to shake him. Guy needs a bit of dog in him else I fear he's going to sink once he lives properly on his own as people will see him coming a mile off and have him off. It's already happened a couple of times since I've known him. Question is, this is resentment based in jealousy, right? And also, how would I go about addressing

this with him? Should I even address it? I can see him being ripped off and stepped on coming down the line and if he doesn't grow a bit, I see him getting chewed up. Is it even any of my business or is this pseudo masculine paternalism shit? Cheers. P.S. probably haven't made a great account of myself here, but as you genuinely did stop me going down the Peterson rabbit hole, ended up a communist. So chalk one up for you there, our kid. Yes. Making communist through the medium of podcasting. Yes. I want you to answer this first, but first can I just say you made a great account of yourself. You sound so aware. I'm actually kind of like, hit me up.

Like, kind of hot. What can I say? No, you did make a great account of yourself. The self-awareness is like fantastic. Please give yourself props. It's really important to give yourself props when you are actually doing interrogation and analysis into your own emotions and reactions,

especially as someone who might not have been socialized to do that. So, big up yourself. Right Ash, what do you think? Oh yeah, I mean, like you're so right. Like there's just like, this is a really insightful dilemma. Like, and you show a lot of self-awareness about where you're coming from.

And the reason why your letter is like dealing with like contradictions and like, is it this, is it this, there's this, but there's also this is because like, it is a really nuanced thing. And I think at its heart, it's about to what extent does loving someone and wanting the best for them mean that I am imposing my sense of what's best, which has come from my context, which isn't all good. And I think that in some way, all of us are dealing with that. Like in your case, it's got this like very specific cultural inflection to do with geography and class and gender. But in lots of other ways, I feel I've got that. Like I'm such a like security

oriented person. Like I care a lot about pursuing security, I care a lot about stability, I care a lot about reputation and being resilient. It's that when I'm interacting with friends who have a different set of values or a different way of being in the world, is that every time they have a problem, I see it through the lens of the things that I think are best, even though I can recognize how all those values have also been damaging in different ways for me and cut me off from certain experiences of life. So I think that you are just dealing with the messiness of people and becoming close to people who are different from you. What do you do about it? And what do you do about it? I wonder if at some point, there's space for a conversation,

which is not you saying I think you're getting these things wrong, which is maybe space for conversation, which is like, I come from this background, and it means that I interpret things through this lens. And sometimes I want to say do this, but that's a reflection of these feelings that I have. I think you can have maybe a bit more of an honest conversation with either this friend or other friends you have about the place that you're coming from. Like open it up, like don't just drive it inwards and turn this into something to feel ashamed of. Because that's the other thing is that you're like, I'm so ashamed of created a throwaway account for this. Like, you know, you're dealing with something which I think is just so human, so, so human. And I think the one bit which sticks out at me is like, maybe a bit unusual, or like, you know, a little bit self destructive is the amount of shame that

you're feeling about it. Yeah, I mean, I don't have much to add apart from the conversation aspect. Only have it with him directly when an occasion arises that it's actually warranted. And then, like we said to that other person who we identified as resenting someone because they see them as weak, you can only have that conversation

if you've really summed up, not really, really assessed, what is my business to say here? What is proportionate and actually constructive for this person? Not being like, you're, you know, you're a bit weak, you're a pushover, just like, asking them questions like, how do you feel about this?

Do you think that there's, you know, do you want, if they're getting mugged off again, is there a way you would wish this situation had gone? How can we help you achieve that in future? Those are the questions to ask. And sometimes people just don't want that help and don't want that support. Like the best thing you can do is be there and listen to him.

And like Ash does for you, get rid of the shame. Because once you get rid of the shame, you can loosen your hold on needing to redeem yourself by fixing this person's life for them in the way that you think is best. Like there's friends I have who I'm literally having to relinquish my desire to fix their lives in my image. And the more I accept with myself where that's coming from,

and I'm like, okay, that's from here. And don't feel ashamed about it, but just recognize it, the easier it is to loosen that iron grip I have on wanting to give them that advice and mother them. And it's interesting you say paternalism, because it is paternalism. But also we were talking about this with the mothering dilemma. Like it is, it is an old kind of gender thing. It's just there's different ways, I guess, it manifests depending on your socialization.

But like Ash says, this is just a human impulse, especially when we see things in other people that we fear. We might not even have them, but we fear them. I fear being weak. I fear, you know, letting my life fall apart. I fear losing control of things. So when I see that and perceive that in other people, whether it's true or not, but things that I identify as weakness, I

go crazy. And especially with people who are close to me, it's like that's a reflection on me somehow that I'm around these people. That's the scariest thing of all. So you try and fix it. Like Ash has tried to get rid of that shame. You've you're so you've identified these where this is coming from so well. I know you can do this. You have the ability. Go easy on yourself. I guess it's just that thing which is people will also feel it about you. You can be so certain and like, I'm wrestling with this thing. I bet there are so many of my friends who are like, I want to give Ash this advice. Like, you know, she needs to loosen

up, she needs to be freer, she needs to be less uptight, da da da da. And it's coming from like, their place of values, maybe they're not saying it to me, because they're just like, ah, this is just not going to chime with like, where she's coming from. Like everyone, everyone feels this in some way. Yeah. Yeah. And people feel this way about you. Yeah. Yeah. People, people, I mean, I know you're saying you to the special one, but like, people definitely are like to me, to be less controlling, controlled, relax more, work less, like all the things I think people do, you should do more, they're like, you need to do less. I love it when people tell me to relax. I'm like, I am relaxed. So relaxed. Does this not look like a relaxed person?

I've only got one deadline. Like I'm actually so relaxed right now. This is me on pure chill mode. So, um. So, so what if I'm cracking a walnut with my anus? I'm actually so relaxed right now. This is me on pure chill mode. So, um, it was so, so what if I'm cracking a walnut with my anus? I'm really relaxed. Yeah. Me and me and my friend, yes, like two days ago were chatting and we were just telling each other how it was so fine actually, um, to most identify with, to my industry, to most identify with industry and actually want to work that much and actually not want to have a partner because they get in the way and my friends sent me a meme afterwards being like it's always two avoidant bitches just telling each other exactly and we're like exactly exactly sometimes you'll be gassing each other up just being like it's actually fine to be this

maladapted that's okay. I think I think you can have healthy relationships and be an over worker but that is a hot take for another day. You can. Shall we leave it here? Let's depart and go back to our perfectly ordered lives that are in no way at all poorly adjusted. I'm getting a Gosleme. I'm getting a Gosleme. What's a Gosleme? What do you mean what's a Gosleme? Turkish flatbread stuffed with like spinach and feta sometimes or spicy mint? Oh, that's how you say it. A Gosleme. Wow. I never knew that. I've always seen it written down. You love seeing it every day. Wow. Every day is a school day.

Every day is it? Every day is a fucking school day. This is God. I actually nearly wept the other day thinking about the amount of knowledge that's out there that I would never attain. I sometimes wish I was, I wish sometimes that I was omniscient but also could make myself forget things because I'd want to know things out of curiosity but I'd also want the ability to wipe it from my brain. That's a good power. I should have asked that as a question. Would you rather be omniscient, omnipresent or omnipotent? Maybe omniscient. I would like to teleport to be honest.

That would be even my number one superpower. That is exactly. Anyone who says anything different is wrong. The one thing you want to do is teleport. That would solve so many problems in my life. If I could just teleport. I would rob so many banks. I would use it purely for evil.

Oh no, I would be in the Bahamas all the time on the weekends, but I probably would be very unhealthy if I wasn't walking anywhere. That's the only thing I could teleport to the gym quicker. I'd still walk places. I'd rob a lot of banks. Would you? Would you if you could teleport? Would you want places? Oh, like I do. You know, like I don't need MI5 listening to this podcast. I'm not going to say what I would do if I could teleport. OK, well, yes. Oh, God. I do some, you can all imagine. Sure.

I do some assassinations. I'll just say it anyway. OK, on that note, thank you, special ones. We'll see you again very soon. I've been one of the plane. You've been. Who've you been? On a watch list is who I've been. One of the Michael exchange, Michael Gover's updating the policy exchanges we speak. Yeah.

Okay. Bye. Bye.