If I Speak - 45: Surviving end-of-year burnout

Episode Date: December 31, 2024

What has 2024 taught us? Ash and Moya reflect on a year of discomfort and grief, from personal challenges to political setbacks. Plus: what classic dance track does Ash have stuck in her head? Email your dilemmas to [e-mail] Music by Matt Huxley.

Hello and if I've got my maths right you may well be listening to this on New Year's Eve. So welcome to If I Speak. You are on the precipice of either the best or most stressful night out you're going to have all year. Are your New Year's Eve's usually good? They've been a mixed bag, a real mixed bag. Some have literally been like best night of my life, like stupid adventure, the plot unfolds, like act one, act two, act three.

Some have been like total like wet farts of a night. Last year, I actually just wasn't in the mood to go out. So I like- We saw you last year. Oh yeah, maybe for briefly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like I was, I was not just not up for it. So I stayed out for a bit, like, and then stayed out to like one or two. And, yeah, yeah, yeah. So like, I was not just not up for it. So I stayed out for a bit,

like and then stayed out to like one or two and then I was like, nah. I think like one of the best New Years I ever had was like at a house party full of people I don't know and it was great. So those are always the best. Yeah, the randoms. The key to a good New Years, I believe, is a house party. You need to find

somewhere and you to lock in and you just a hole up there. Yeah, don't leave. Don't move. Don't fucking stay in the house party. Have a great time. Have at least four of your best best mates that you can assemble some maybe in other countries. You need to have a couple of people that you really want to be around. Be at a house party that if you're having a party in here, and music with words in And music with words in it. Music with words in it,

but you know that I always subscribe to that. That's literally the raison d'etre of my club night, which you've yet to come to. Okay, no, I will start leaving the house. There's one of my 30th, that one will be North London. I know, but on your 30th, I'm gonna be in Glasgow. Oh yeah, cause we're doing a swap. Cause you're gonna be doing a book tour.

I'm gonna be on book tour. Anyway, welcome to, if I speak, it's sort of crazy that like, we've come to the end of 2024 and we were born in 2024, were we not? We're not, yeah, February. We're not even a year old, it's not even our birthday. It's not even our birthday, I'm very excited for our birthday.

We're Aquarius' It's the age of Aquarius. It will be, yeah, I thinkloss would be Aquarius wise, unless it's Ender, then which could it's Pisces. But we'll get into that. Anyway, it's not our birthday. I believe you've got questions for me. I do, and I really put my pussy into them.

Wow! Okay. So, prepare yourself. My loins are girded. Number one, obvious, what was your happiest moment of 2024? I don't know. Holiday, a meal. Probably my best friend's wedding.

Probably my best friend's wedding. Yes, Rupert Everett, tell us more. I loved it so much because also like, she's a friend where it's like, her happiness is my happiness and I feel that very, very strongly. But it was also the most jokes dance floor ever because there was like a real divide between like the Irish rugby lads and like the what became known as the UCL crew, which is like we didn't all go to UCL but it was

like, you know, many of us did and then the other people who came in via like the kind of extended network. And there was literally like from one song to another, like you could see like the kind of like people like rushing in like the tides and then exiting and then like a new lot coming in. And there was like two songs back to back. One was I'm gonna do the worst impression of the song because I don't know what it is. It's the one which is like, that one. Go again. What's the vibe? Is it 80s? Is it 90s? It's like a kind of like either late 90s or early 2000s like dance banger. Dance banger.

It's not like that. Anyway, so the Irish rugby lads were fucking loving it. Like, like fucking like fist pumping. Pretty green eyes or something. Like, I don't know what it was. No. Like it was just like a real like it was like one of these. It was like a real, it was a real of these. It was a real Irish rugby lad song.

They fucking loved it. And I liked how much they loved it. But then the next song was Jay-Z's Big Pimpin. So the Irish lads exited and then it was like me and in particular my friend's husband, who is just like one of the funniest men who's ever ever lived and I love him so much. He's from New Jersey and he was just like one of the funniest men who's ever ever lived and I love him so much he's from New Jersey and he was just like this is my national anthem like do you know when someone's just like I've trained my whole life for this moment and his moment was big pimpin so like I loved it because I love that song but also just to be just to be in his orbit while that happened so I think yeah best friend's wedding um wedding dance floor. And also just like, I can't boil it down to like one single moment, but like for contentedness, like just yeah, me and my partner are in a very good place.

And I think like he's been a real source of comfort and fun. So comfort and fun are the beautiful combination. Great combination. We should probably talk about Jay-Z at some point, but the next question leads me onto that. Yes. So I have a game that I was introduced to by my old housemates and it's called Hate Love Neutral

and I just played it when I went away on a girls weekend. And you can do a theme. So the basic bones of this game is say, you all write down something you hate, something you love and something you're neutral about and you put them all in a hat and people people try and guess what you feel about it. Which is attached to what? But I'm gonna do a version for you.

Okay. Hate, love, neutral, rapper's version. Okay. Hate. Can't say Drake. No, no, because I don't like, like, okay, right, can I just have a micro micro micro theory? Yeah, it's a two line theory. Okay. Drake is a rapper who makes pop music, right? And very good pop

music. He is not and has never been in hip hop as a culture ever. And once you accept that, like Drake ceases to be either annoying to you or sort of like overhyped. So I don't hate Drake. Okay, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. My hatred at the moment is... I just hate so many... I hate a lot of rappers. Because just a lot of rappers can't fucking rap.

I hate Takeshi69, but that's old news. I don't fucking hate him. I do not like Kodak Black at all. And not just for all the terrible things that he's allegedly done, but also just I really hate how he raps. Also his flow. Like- It's good hate. Yeah, good hate. Love, the obvious one is Kendrick Lamar. Obvious, right?

Just like so, so obvious because like, what a year that man has had. Like what a year. You need to come to the tour, Ash. I'm gonna try and spend a ridiculous amount of money to get a Kendrick ticket. It was actually all right. Was it?

Mine were okay. I mean, for the travel. Yeah, that'll be a bit mad, but like it's to the US. Kendrick and SZA though, 196 quid. That's not bad. I mean, both of them. Superstars, but like it's to the US. Kendrick and SZA though, 196 quid. That's not bad. I mean, both of them, superstars. I mean, like at Dochi.

Yeah, I fucking love Dochi actually. Okay, so- That's a bargain. Yeah. Kendrick is my number one, but I was also re-listening to a lot of Nas this year. So funny, because I was initially gonna ask you about Nas songs specifically, and then I thought let's just widen it out rappers.

Oh, which song? I don't know, I was gonna make you do hate love neutral about Nas songs specifically, and then I thought let's just widen it out. Which song? I don't know, I was gonna make you do hate love neutral about Nas songs. Nas, okay. No, we're not doing that, we're going back to the rappers. I mean, the really difficult hate love neutral would be of the three rappers on the Made You Look remix, hate love neutral. Who are they?

Nas, Jadakiss, and Ludacris. Okay, well we can play that another time, we have more time. Okay, right, Kendrick, neutral, a rapper who I am just excessively neutral about. It's difficult because I have very strong opinions. I have very, very, very strong opinions. Jack Harlow. Jack Harlow. That's totally fine. I'm neutral on Jack Harlow. Totally fine. Those songs are fun. Totally fine. Neutral is always the hardest category.

Yeah, but again, he's a rapper who makes pop music. What about, what's your hate, love, neutral for the pop girlies? I was gonna do that for you, but then I was like, okay. I don't know enough pop girlies. My hate, love, neutral, there's so many. Who am I neutral about? Who do I hate?

I guess neutral, I'm not really neutral about Gracie Abrams. I think she's a bit rubbish. Who is that? She is the daughter of J.Jie Abrams. I think she's a bit rubbish. Who is that? She is the daughter of J.J. Abrams, the filmmaker, who's been anointed by Taylor Swift as sort of like the non-competitive version of her, who she will allow. So Taylor Swift won't allow like Olivia Rodrigo.

When Olivia Rodrigo was coming up, Taylor Swift at first was like, yeah, great. And then she was like, you need to credit me for your songs. Like there was a big IP battle. Olivia Rodrigo used to love her, talked about her every interview. Now she won't even mention that woman's name. And when Taylor was doing her Massive Ears tour, she had Sabrina Carpenter, not Olivia Rodrigo, who's the obvious opener.

It's very clear there's a beef there. Taylor Swift hates younger women. I have to say it. I'm just going to say it. Hates younger women who might rival her. And Olivia can both write as well as her and sing. Well, could write as well as her and sing. And Taylor can't sing. I'm gonna get so excommunicated if she ever hears this, but she won't.

Who do I love? Problem is I do listen to Loptose with her. Who do I love? Who do I actually love the most? Chapel. I love Chapel, I think she's so exciting. She's so fresh. She's so interesting.

I'm kind of neutral about Sabrina. I think her music's great, but she is just Ariana Grande. Just 10 years later. I just don't get the appeal. I think she's... I'm totally neutral. I'm like, I get it, but I'm not locked in. Who do I hate? I'm sorry, guys. Tate McCray.

Who's that? She's like the new sort of like Britney-esque, like super. She's very sexy, but I just, I'm not having it. I'm not fucking having it. I get it, I'm not having it. My last question is an Axis. I have an Axis for you. I had two different Axis,

but I thought this was the nicest Axis. So. Also Tate McCray looks like a pussycat doll to me. She is a pussycat doll. That's a perfect explanation actually. She's a pussycat doll who's gone solo, but she's not Nicole. She's like Carmen or something. Okay? That's the best way. Okay, here's the axis I prepared for you. So we've got the top. This is the vertical. Funny

on purpose, funny by accident and then left to right sarcastic slapstick slash goof. Right, sarcastic, slapstick slash goof. Ooh, what am I marking on there? Where are you going? Where am I? Yeah. Thing is, okay, always funny on purpose. In fact, try too hard. Well, that was my other one.

It was literally try hard, casual, rule breaker, rule maker. I'm a try hard rule maker. Let's just, let's, like. I thought it was too easy for us. I know, I know. We're both that. I'm a try hard rule maker. Let's just let, like. Thought it was too easy for us. I know, I know. We're both that. I know who I am. Okay, funny on purpose, mostly slapstick goof,

but if I'm upset, I'm funny on purpose sarcastic. Okay, great. Thank you. What about you? I don't know how funny I am, but it's definitely on purpose when it is. I am sarcastic, but the funniest things I see in this world are goof shit. Like, I don't know the biggest poo I've ever seen yesterday

on the street. I think it was so big. Human size or big dog? I'm going to show you a picture that I took. But it's so funny, like the funniest things to me. So I have on my private Instagram, just a collection of high dogs that I come across in the wild. And that makes me cry laughing. Like those look how big that poo is. And the problem is that there's nothing there for scale. Look how large of the pavement is. Oh.

And that made me laugh so much. Like goof things make me laugh more. But I think I'm more sarcastic. But I cry laughing when it's like stupid shit. Oh, yeah. Goofs make me laugh the most. There's dogs that they feed edibles to now. The Americans have these gummies to get their dogs to relax and I don't think that's okay. There's an edgy swamp video of this dog that's just like... with his little eyes. And the owner's written on the TikTok she's like,

it rocks his shit. It's like, he's so high. That to me is the funniest shit you can see. Yeah, a high dog is funny. A high dog is funny. It's really funny. I love that stuff. I also, I really like, so like, we did something which has never agreed with me. Like, I just, like it doesn't, like I just,

I prang out, like it's just not for me. Don't listen mum, but same. But I love hanging out with people who, who are stoned because they're very funny. No, because when you're not, they're not on the same wavelength. No, no, it's fucking great. It's like for me, it's like watching TV. Like I'm having a great time when I'm not stoned and other people are. I will say there is a great example of this that is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life, which is Jason Seagal and Paul Rudd being interviewed for their movie, I Love You Man,

and both of them are so high and they do this extended bit about a man called Gideon. You can watch them passing through every stage. You know when people are like, they get really serious, because it's all worn off, but they're so high and they're just crack. The poor interviewer is like, doesn't know what the fuck's going on, it's this young guy. And these two are just going back and forth with this extended bit that would only make sense if you are astronomically off your tits. It's one of the things I've seen. It's actually my favorite thing about um don't listen mum, taking acid. We're gonna get done for this one. It's all coming out. Um like taking acid is fucking great and like it just every time every time I go through the same

journey which is like at first I'm worried that, every time I go through the same journey, which is like, at first I'm worried that it's gonna like unlock all the trauma in my brain and I'm gonna be like, in a prison of horror. And in fact, I just become the fucking mischief king. And like, I'm a jester, I'm a jester at heart. And like every time I'm on acid, it like unlocks it. And so like the last time I took acid,

I was like, I was like, I've got it. I've cracked the code of the universe. So the people I was with were like, because everyone's like, yeah, fucking tell me. And I was like, everything is either a Wallace or a grommet. How funny. Like, and it really, I fucking thought- I'm a grommet. You're mostly a grommet, but sometimes you're Wallace. I do give a bit of Wallace.

Sometimes you give a bit of Wallace. Wallace Rising. Yeah, I tell you, Wallace Rising. I'm mostly Wallace, but when I grommet, my God, do I grommet. I grommet hard. You grommet hard. I've never taken acid, mum, and that is the truth.

Okay, let's move on to... I would actually recommend it. I don't think that that generation of parents would care that much the truth. Okay, let's move on to it. I would actually recommend it. I don't think that that generation of parents would care that much about acid. Yeah, I mean, I always tell my mum when I'm gonna do it so that she doesn't phone me. My mum was a 70s girl. It's like, she's not gonna care that much about the acid. Should we move on? Let's move on. So because we have reached the end of 2024, I thought that it would be good, rather than to do any of our usual middle segments, is to just ask a question and ride it all the

way off the cliff edge. And it's, what have you learned about yourself this year? And I suppose the thing for me is that like, no year that I've been alive has rocked my shit as hard as 2024. And as a result of like so many things that have happened, I'm not young anymore. Like I do not feel young anymore. Like my relationship to like life is so different from what it was a year ago.

And it's not all a bad thing. And it's not all from bad things either. Like there is obviously like one really, really bad thing which is like, like the fact of a parent dying and also how it happened and the manner of the dying being very traumatic. My sense of family did just shatter underneath me and also having a very close family member in prison as well. It's just like explosion. And next year, I'm going to have to stop being so avoidant and start repairing some of it. Like I only realized this, you know when you're like,

something's obvious to everyone else and isn't obvious to you. I was like, what if I find it so difficult? Like I'm going to my mom's house. What if I find it so difficult being there? I was like, oh, because that's actually, that's why you saw your stepdad like dying. Like that's why you don't want to fucking go there.

Um, that would make sense. That would make sense. And it's one of those things where like, I said that to my partner and he was just like, you didn't know that. And I was like, just realize why didn't you fucking tell me? He was like, thought it was obvious. Um, so there's that. And that's obviously like a bad and painful initiation into feeling not young anymore.

But there's also some really good stuff. Like I finally finished my fucking book, which had been hanging over me for so long. And like I did it. I did like it's fucking done. Like I've taken up a new role at work, which is like, you know, involves more responsibility and being more like deliberate about things. And I think even this podcast and even thinking about the way in which things which were like latent or like within, like I'm now having to put into words and thinking about like how other people receive them. It's like, oh yeah, like this is what feeling like an adult is. Like I'm not young anymore and that's both painful, yeah,

but also really, really good. You know, this is the year where I fully understood and felt that there are no grownups waiting in the wings to sort of like swoop in if things get too messy. Like I am the grownups, like I am the grownups. So yeah, there's responsibility and there's agency. There is fear, like I've got some like brand new fears, which like, you know, when I tap into them,

I'm like, oh, did I just, I just exploded into tears because I realized how scared I am of this thing. But I'm also less scared of certain things. Like I'm less scared of saying what I think, whereas before I'd go all around the fucking houses before saying like something just like straightforward. So yeah, big year, big changes, not young anymore. What about you? Like what have you learned about yourself this year? What have you learned about life this year? I think this year has been a real

floppy for me. You think it's a flop? I think it's a transitional year. Rather than a flop maybe. But it's definitely a, I don't know anything. This year has been a year where I learned once more, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know who's driving this bus. I can't drive. So it shouldn't be me.

What did I learn? I tried to think about this and it's like the problem is a lot of the things I've learned are still, there's no resolution. They're very much in the process of being worked out. I've realized I have cycles where I like to give everything to something and then I burn out, which are unsustainable. That's a regular thing.

I learned something I already knew, which is I'm a massive commitment-phobe. I get bored if I'm doing the same thing for too long. I learnt the world is so big, every time I'm on a train, I think, I could live anywhere. I could literally live anywhere and it would kind of make it work. The one place I won't live is somewhere

that doesn't have a gym close enough. And this sounds so wanky, but doesn't sell the FT. We had a weekend away recently and there was no FT's. Three different shops. No FT's. No FT's. How will I know what's going on in the Tokyo market?

Well, sometimes you just want to read the FT weekend because all the other weekend magazines are shit. That was something. I don't know how best to use my talents. I fear I'm squandering them. And every time I try and learn something else, it's like, is this, you know, am I going down the right path?

Where will this end up? I learned I would like to make more money. That there's a dirty capitalist side of myself that just wants a bit of security. Dirty bourgeois, a pure dog. Dirty bourgeois, but doesn't, you know, has the aspirations, but doesn't actually have the drive to do it.

So maybe that actually isn't within me. Like I could just go out and get a corporate job, but I haven't yet. So I just keep talking about doing something. I just want to do it. So maybe then actually isn't within me. Like I could just go out and get a corporate job, but I haven't yet. So I just keep talking about doing something. I just want to be secure. I learned I really value travel and the thought of not being able to do it next year for various reasons makes me want to jump into the Thames or the Clyde as is now my closest river. What else did I learn? I don't know, I don't know what I'm doing. That's what I learned. I don't know what I'm doing.

I need a mentor, I need someone to guide me. That's what I learned. I need guidance, and I haven't had any. When you say you feel you're wasting your talents, I suppose, and this is going to sound sarcastic, but this is not sarcastic. What do you think your talents are? Talking.

I don't know, talking. Maybe I should be doing more stuff like, I don't know. I don't know what I should be doing. I don't know what I'm really good at. Like, I'm good at lots of different things a little bit. I'm a jack of all trades. It's like, what should I be lasering in on? Everything I've done is like, I can do it competently. But what would really be the most of use?

And this is a thing I've come it competently. But what would really be the most use? And this is a thing I've come back to again and again and again. What would really be the most useful for both society at large and me and my goal of, you know, maybe living in a nice little flat and not having to work every day of the week? These are difficult questions that I don't expect you to have the answer to Ash because you have your own stuff going on. But I feel like this year has not been a good year for me. It's not that I've got my own stuff going on. I love avoiding my own stuff by talking about other people's.

It's why we have a podcast. And no, for me, it's much more like, I have opinions about it, but I'm not you. Do you know what I mean? Like ultimately, I can't tell you what's going to make you feel most happy or what's going to make you feel most useful. But I can as someone who's like, you know, who knows you and you go like, oh, this is something which I think makes sense.

But like that's a completely external thing. And you know, everyone experiences this one way or another, which is other people might have a really strong idea of what's good for you. And you're like, no. I fear I just may never be content with my lot. I fear that is my curse that I bear, and it's like, how do I learn to be content with my lot? I'm very lucky. I'm very lucky. How do I learn to be content with that? How do I learn to settle? Are you happy?

In something? No, right now. No. And I don't think I've been happy this year. I think this year has been a year of, where was I happy? I was happy on holiday. I was happy, but I don't want to travel for six months. I know that would bring me unhappiness. I don't like being away from stuff for too long. I like to be able to go somewhere, have a great experience and come back and then talk about and discuss what I saw. I was happy when I was pootling around the Balkans. That was a brilliant time for me. I was happy when I went to Crete.

I was very unhappy when I went to Cyprus, but it still gave me lots of things to do and talk about. I was happy when I was reading books. I'm happy when I'm not working at the moment. And I think in general, I just have, as I said, a cycle of burnout. I don't know how to sustainably do things. I had that when I was here as well. I would work pretty hard, burn out,

take the foot off the pedal, go back into it. And it's like, long-term, is that really the best way of doing things? This has been a year of realizing a lot of flaws that I have and not yet coming to a conclusion about how to manage them. Yeah, I mean, I guess that's always a part of learning about yourself. I just want a sabbatical.

It's sort of funny, like when you're like, ah, yeah, I want a sabbatical. Because like, you sound a little bit like my partner in the fact that he's like, you know, gonna change his orientation to work in a really big way next year. So he's going to go down to two days a week to do a lot more like freelance work and writing work. And it's sort of a bit like, might pay really well, might not, but like, that's not the purpose. The purpose is to have time away from like, kind of like,

you know, being super responsible in his role at work and like, just like driving it through. How are you working the bills out with that? How are we working out the bills? So for a few months, the mortgage is gonna be just on me. The bills are still gonna be 50-50. And then we'll check in. See, that is the joy of a couple.

Because if I had a partner who had a steady job and was earning well, then I could explore those things. I've been here the whole time and you've never made a move. I would never ask you for money. Never made a move. I would never ask you for money. Never made a move. But because I don't, that's, that feels out of reach and that's really, you know, like, oh. But the thing that's interesting to me, and this is why I go like, I kind of like see

some similarities between the two of you. That's the biggest compliment you've ever given me. It's like, he's, you know, both of you have got ADHD, just him undiagnosed. No, it's not got ADHD. He's just a, it's not got ADHD. He's just a golden retriever trapped in the body of a man. Like you could pretend to have a tennis ball and he'd be like, oh.

But like already when he's looking at that free time he's gonna have and after having, you know, said like I feel really, really like burnt out in some ways and I do just need a break and I've been working at this intensity for years and years now, like kind of since like the beginning of the Corbyn movement to now, like without a break. Even now he's like, but I've thought of this project

and I've thought of this project and maybe I'll go to do this one. And oh, you know what? Like someone on the left really needs to do this. Like what if like, you know, we made Sean Bean prime minister. Like he's just sort of like, he can't stop having ideas for stuff that like he wants to drive through.

Because that is a fundamental expression of who he is. And he's lots of other things as well. Like, so committed to his family and so committed to his friends and all these other things. But he is a factory, like within him is a factory. And those engines do not want to go idle. And like, you know, he's always saying to me

and I think like in particular this year, like I think he's been genuinely concerned and he's probably been right to you. Like I did not take off enough time after. No you didn't. I took like five days off of work. And then the next week did like an interview with Judith Butler, an event with like Slavoj Zizek,

which had was in front of an audience of 1000 people. And so he's sort of said to me a few times that he's concerned that I'm going to like have a breakdown because he's just like, this is not like, you know, and then you finished a book and then you are like jumping on like the marketing machine for that and like, and you're doing this like for Navarra. He's like genuinely a bit concerned.

And I think maybe next year I've got to do some working out like that way of working. How essential is that to me? Or like, is it something I've got some control over and can like pull back from? Like, like I don't know, but like certainly with him to me or like is it something I've got some control over and can like pull back from like like I don't know but like certainly with him and with you I'm just like you have an imagination which is never going to rest now how you work is within your control yeah but I don't think like I

think like you know even if you had a job which was like less um demanding of you and like provided the money and rararara your brain wouldn't rest easy. Because you're a fundamentally creative person and so is he. Which is fine. I think it's like that's I've realized that my ideal setup is having something steady a couple days a week and then having the free time to fuck around with my imagination to you know one day my imagination is saying get on a train and go to Hever Castle and see what you find. I really want to go to Hever Castle, get on a train and go to Hever Castle and see what you find there. I really wanna go to Hever Castle again.

I really wanna go to Hever Castle. Have you been to the water maze in Hever Castle? No. Oh my God. I haven't been to Hever Castle. I went as a kid, it's right on a school trip. And there's like a traditional hedge maze and then there's a water maze where some of the paving stones,

so it's like stepping stones and there's like water underneath but some of the stepping stones are on pivot, so they squirt water in your face if you've gone on the wrong one. Oh my gosh. It's so much fun. We need it on location. If I speak in Hevercastle.

That can be a summer thing. Anyway, 2024, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what 2025 will bring me. I need to learn to drive. That's my main thing. You're a virgin who can't drive. May as well be a virgin again. But I can't drive, I need to learn to drive. That's my main thing. You're a virgin who can't drive. I am. May as well be a virgin. But I can't drive. I need to drive. I feel like driving will open up a freedom. But I just want a setup that doesn't see me that has space for creativity

that also gets to dabble in all the things I love to do. And then that has that freedom to go to like, heave a castle one day, but another day write an article or write a sub stack. Can I ask you a question? Of course question is this Do you feel? That life is something that you react to or do you feel that life is something that you're making? No, I feel like it's my making I just don't know what to make of it. That's the problem. What do you feel? Do you feel life is something you're making? Yeah, I do. I do. And even though like, obviously a very big thing happened

like against my will outside of my control this year, there's actually been a lot of other things where I'm like, ah, like, I am agentic in this. And like, I'm making this thing. And I think that that's also about, like, although this happened in 2023, getting married, it's like, that's a point at which you're creating your own family and you are not just subject to your family of origin. And like for other people, it's like when they have kids and stuff like that. But that definitely puts a sense of agency

like into your hands. And maybe that changes again, right? So maybe that's a sort of a feeling of being like relatively new in the institution of marriage and then like 10 years, 15 years down the line, like you feel completely like subject to it. And like, it's no longer a thing that you're making. It's a thing which like happens to you.

It's a house you built for yourself when the walls are closing in. Maybe that happens later, but like where I'm feeling about it now is like, very much like, yeah, like we are making this thing together, we're building our relationship. And I think that, I know we talk about it a lot,

is that I fucking love getting older. Like some people, and I completely understand why, they're like, youth is slipping through my fingers, and like this, there's a quality which I'm never gonna get back. I think the fact you're married actually has quite a lot to do with the fact you're happy getting older because the friends of mine who fear aging the most are the ones who are single, want kids, want a partner,

whereas I don't fear aging because I don't give a fuck about children, and I'm not that bothered about a partner. That's true, but my partner actually feels very differently about it. Ooh, okay. He feels very differently and I think one is- Is that because he's a handsome man? I think so. No, whereas I was just like, you know, like I was not a good looking, like young person, all right?

Like I have to grow into this nose, like. So I think maybe there's that and so there's something about where value is caught up. But also something about like mortality feels very, very, very very like i think we've both had different because he was so like i don't know i'm trying to share if i should share this story if this is trauma dumping is it trauma dumping you haven't told me the story how can i let me just tap into my telepathy no not trauma dumping all right So what happened in March was, so my stepdad had been ill for two years, but it was like so weird and he kind of wouldn't tell us

what was going on. So I was getting it all from my mom, but the person at the center of it was not saying, this is happening. So it was really, it was so hard to know, where are we in this illness? And then I saw him a couple of weeks before it all kicked off and I was like, you have lost so much weight, you did not look good. But again, like there wasn't a shared

language with him where he could say this is what's happening. So then it was a Saturday night, I'd been out for a drink with a friend and as I was walking back home, she had my phone, got a text from my mom. It was Mother's Day, the next day we were supposed to meet up. And she was like, can't do it. Like, um, stepdad, not very well. And because I know my mom, I was just like, I need to go to you right now. And so my husband was at home and we both went and it was like horrible. Like it was just, it was really horrible. And I'm not going to go into details of all of that because it's important to keep that like kind of closed. But the end of a life is messy.

Oh yeah. But my partner was like, when I say like there, I mean, he was like very, very physically involved and like helping move him around and all this stuff. And like, it was quite difficult to get an ambulance because it's like, it's like, how do you respect the agency of someone who does all of this stuff? Like ambulance comes, ICU, like a lot of distress.

Like my mom was like, you stay here, I'll call you if I need you. Tried to sleep, couldn't sleep very well, but I must have fallen asleep so I woke up to the phone ringing. And so that's why my relationship sleep is so fucked. But that was a shared experience between me and my partner. Like both of us were being confronted

with the reality of death, right? Now for me, it was like, this is my experience of being parented. For him, there's obviously attachment and affection that it's different, but for him it's like, fuck. Like death can come for you at any point. So, so for him, his attitude towards mortality is like, what if I, what if I die in three years time? And I'm just like, like, can't really think about my own mortality because everyone else is going to die. How do I

make sure everybody lives? Like kind of like sneaking up on people and checking their pulses and like coming up behind them being like, I think you should take some vitamin D. Like we have responded to that fear in different ways. So for me, I don't worry about getting older. Yours is going external. I worry about everyone else getting older. His has gone internal. His is internal. And obviously there's a part of it, which is like, you know, he thinks about his own parents. He thinks about me, really worries about me. And he's just like, sometimes like when he's worried about me, he'll come up to me literally with the vitamin D spray and I can tell that this is when he's worried about me, he'll be like, open wide, squint, squint.

God, love is lovely. But that's his way of being like, he's like, I'm worried about you getting murdered and this is the only way that I can like detect you from that like vitamin D will give you the strength to overpower the fire. I don't know. But we've dealt with that fear in very different ways. And so I think that, yeah, that like fear of death has been a big, big part of both of our experiences of this year. For him, that's made him go, I need to fucking like live life the way I want to

because time's really limited. And for me, I'm like, I want everyone where I can see them at all times, like in my eye line. Yeah. Okay, actually, I have a question for you based on that. What do you think the overarching themes of 2024 have been? You can do personal and you can do wider. Wider. Cultural. Cultural 2024 is the year woke died. Like it is and it doesn't mean throwing away anti-racism, it doesn't mean throwing away the five LGBT rights, it doesn't mean pretending that everybody is thinking in terms of majoritarian values, rather than I think taking the most marginalized people possible and say, we're going to organize around that because it's just not representative of enough people to win politically. So that's the top line, I think, is that like, there's gotta be a return. And that doesn't mean don't hold minority opinions either,

but it's just like, what you are doing is trying to move a majority of people. That's important. And you have to persuade and you have to be in contact with people who are not like you. So 2024 year woke, died. Personal theme is I think one of, I guess understanding that there are so many different

kinds of responsibility and so many different kinds of leadership and people have to show leadership in aspects of their lives that maybe they'd never considered having to do it. So one is actually like, again, having been up close to it and having seen, you know, this is the Again, having been up close to it and having seen, you know, this is the fifth person close to me who's passed away since I was 19, right? So it's like, you know, I haven't been murdering people. I just like, that's got serial killer written all over it. That's the fifth.

And having kind of seen the different ways in which people have reacted to it, the different ways in which people have created an ending of their making, right? There's a moment where there is a profound loss of self-control, but also at the same time people have tried to find agency within it. I've realized, and this sucks, dying people have to show leadership and they have to take you through the experience of their own passing in some way. It's crazy, but it's fucking true. And I think

you also have to, you know, there are other kinds of, like, like leadership isn't just megalomania. It's also generosity and like taking some aspect of responsibility for other people's experience. So that's, I guess, like a big theme. What about you? So that's, I guess, like a big theme. What about you? Personal level, it's been a year of discomfort. Day of discomfort, a year of realize that the theme, I guess, is, I don't know how to put this into one word, so discomfort will have to do.

Wide or cultural theme. Very difficult. I want to say fatigue, but I don't think that's the right word. I think the wider cultural theme is one of realizing we've lost ground. And that, I don't agree with you about the thing that's like the year woke died.

I think woke has died, but I think our definitions of woke come from different places, like to me, what woke exists as now is just, I don't know, the demonization of anything that isn't just like a white cis man who exists with conservative opinions rather than, you know, this idea of minority majority majority stuff. But I still think the fucking trousers had something to say about the shift. I think, I think we've lost the cultural momentum.

And I think, I say we as left-wing, I'm talking about left from a left-wing perspective. I think being left-wing stopped having the monopoly on being like cool, young and sexy. I think that's true. And I think this year cemented this idea that whatever rightward swings and rightward mobilizations are going on with the, somehow the movements of the resistance movements, they managed to really, that's been going for a while, but they managed to really hold it up. And you see that with someone like, I don't know, Luigi Mangione, like, I don't care about his personal political beliefs, because I think the act speaks for itself. But his personal political beliefs are not that of the communist.

And what I thought was very telling was in the aftermath, there was a joke going around, which is something I thought myself, which is, I know he wasn't a communist because he actually went and did something rather than start a book club. And I was like, that's actually so unfair. Because when you look at like left wing, it's like communist specifically, okay, fine, whatever. But when you look at like left, there's so many groups that come from a left wing perspective that actually do shit. Like Palestine Action, for one, all the climate protesters who are like laying down, you know,

they're just the poorest. They might not specifically be a fraction of left, but they're associated with the left. They do stuff every day. They do direct action every day. But we have this idea of like just being on the back foot and not being the get up and goers. We're not the doers anymore. And that the fact that that is in the minds of people to the point where you can make jokes about it, that says something. I think that's really true, and I think that it's got something to do with, you know, no one likes,

like you can't make a virtue out of losing, you can't make a virtue out of being, when I say a minority, I'm not talking about an identity minority. You cannot make a virtue out of being politically marginalized and a minority that's not connecting with people that aren't like you. And that's become not just a sort of virtue, it's become a sign of purity or the integrity of your thinking. The fact is, is that ideologies can be pure,

but people aren't. And ultimately politics is about moving people. And that means working with the sort of messiness and contradictory-ness of them. And I also think there's something about weakness. Like I'll tell you what I've discovered I hate in 2024. I fucking hate a cry-bully. And I hate cry-bully so much. And you see this when it comes to the way in which fears

and victimhood narratives are weaponized in order to close down, I guess, like solidarity with the Palestinian cause in the context of a genocide. Like I saw a fucking insane tweet this week where someone was like, you know, I was walking down the street and someone came up to me and asked me, are you a Jew? Oh, that one.

And I was really frightened. And then I realized that it was like two school girls who were handing out candles for Hanukkah. Two Jewish school girls. Two Jewish school girls. Oh, and by the way, I'm not Jewish. And I was like, so you've just written paragraphs about nothing.

To say nothing, like literally nothing has happened. But what it is is crybullying. It's like a weaponization of victimhood in order to sort of like close down space for an act of solidarity. And the thing is about crybullying that we have got to admit is that the left has done that as well.

And we've done it by being like, taking good and important ideas, like I read about it in the book available in shops in February 27th. But I do write about this like an idea which is important, like epistemic violence or, you know, epistemic harm or symbolic harm gets applied to fucking everything. So then harm doesn't have to be material anymore. That makes you sound like you can't prioritize and it makes you sound a bit like a child to be honest. Like I remember reading an article in The Guardian where you know

the South Asian woman was like going into an all white yoga class. It's traumatizing. This is something I've realized this year. Ex's platform is actually over. It is dead. Like, because I'm, I'm not being like, blue sky is so much better, but it's crazy to see the difference between the discussions when you wander onto X, when you wander to blue sky. Yeah, blue sky can be a bit boring or whatever, but the level of vitriol and anger and right wing nuttery, And I don't just mean it comes from the right wing, it's like a particular tenor and tone and hysteria. Cruelty. Cruelty that unites everyone engaging on that platform. The only way is to get traction. It really will rot your brain. That's the thing I realized. Another thing is I do care about the trivial. I do care about the little girl hoops. And I think they say something about society. I care about that kind of stuff,

and maybe that's another place I need to be focusing thoughts and efforts. I also realized I'm never gonna be at a certain level of writing, and that's okay too. That's the thing as well. I don't think that's true. No, I don't say that in a bad way.

I'm just like, oh, for fuck's sake. I'm just messaging, for god's sake. Yeah, I've noticed, I'm sorry, I just messaged you, I'm sorry, for God's sake. Yeah, I've noticed more that it's like reacting into my own. I'm always gonna be good, I might never be that good. That's fine, that's actually fine. Release your inhibitions, feel them in your skin. Do you wanna hear something completely mental? Yeah, apparently I don't remember doing this.

Like on one of like my first dates with my partner to whom I'm now married, I look very earnestly to him and was like, I want greatness. You have got greatness. Yeah, but like I said that, what an insane thing. No, but everyone achieves stuff is delusional. That's the whole point. You have to be delusional to achieve these things.

And this is what fucking plagues me. I don't have any interest in being like greatness. I want to do something a bit interesting and a bit new. And it's like, where's that going to come from? I watched Ridley Scott's Napoleon and went, it me. Right. Let's do something that isn't us. This is I'm in Big Trouble and it's our Problems Dilemmas segment and if you'd like to submit one you can send it to if I speak at navaramedia.com that's if I speak at navaramedia.com. Before we get to problem one, very very quickly, just to say a big thank you to everyone who has been with us,

like during the development of this podcast. We've got so much exciting shit that we wanna do next year. Yes, events. Events. Lots more events I wanna see in person. I wanna dress up. I really loved the one that we did and I loved being able to like see our audience.

We had the best listeners. It was so fucking good. They were so engaged, so smart and they had advice that that outstripped mine by about, I don't know, three therapeutic degrees. I think that basically, like, for the next events that we do, like, we should, one, make them longer, so we could make them longer than a podcast. Like, maybe three days, everyone locked in a room, no one leaves. Sounds like the Stanford prison experiment, but okay.

Like, some will be guards, some will be inmates. But also I want to hear a lot more from the audience because that was one of my favorite bits. I want to do some more DJ. I just want to get on the decks. This is my tunes. But yeah, if you've been enjoying this podcast and you've come into a little bit of extra money, either through legal or nefarious means. If you feel able, go to navara.media forward slash support and help support us

making this work. The thing is people keep saying to me, start Apache on her. We are not actually allowed to do that because this is under the umbrella of Navarra media. We actually can't do that. We can't put out paywall content like it's not allowed. Believe me, I would love to start a Patreon. I would love to take some extra money from you, but I've been told no, I can't. So the only way to pay our wages is to go to... Is like this... Navarra Media slash support, is that right?

Navarra Media dot com forward slash support. That's how you will keep this going. You can keep the lights on. I need the lights on, I need to learn to drive, so I can drive away, drive into the hills. Drive away. Okay, right, I'm in big trouble. We have a list and dilemma.

Do you want me to read it out? Yeah, cool. Hey Ash, hey Moja. There's some really nice stuff at the start. I don't wanna keep reading this. Oh, just read it out, just read it out. Oh, I think you're both amazing. I love this podcast and find you articulate everything my brain can't describe so succinctly.

Not today because my brain is full of cotton wool due to illness. I'd love to get your thoughts on whether you think I should talk, ignore, confront or walk away from this individual that's been giving me grief. I love that there's actual options. Yeah. Multiple choice. I'm a trans woman that's been involved in podel, a cross between tennis and squash. Podel isn't something I've taken too seriously, but it's become a larger part of my life recently,

and pretty good, largely because I played professional tennis a decade or so ago, and the skills translate. My dilemma started with me being invited to play in a women's podel competition three years ago, which I tentatively agreed to do. I initially said I wouldn't play, as I didn't want to deal with the drama around trans participation in sport, but I was convinced to do so, largely to make up the numbers by covering for an injured player.

I'm also a certified podellan tennis coach with the Lawn Tennis Association. And part of being certified is passing various safeguarding checks, all of which require my legal documents, which say I'm a woman. That means I'm registered as a woman and I'm expected to play in women's competitions. Even if I wanted to play in

men's competitions, the LTA says I'm not allowed. The day of the Patel tournament went well but afterwards I was told there were rumblings from certain people. One person took it upon themselves to out me to journalists as a quote, trans identifying male invading women's sports called people as such comes. Horrible. Sorry for the language. As well as generally making a big deal within the LTA where they work. Not only do they question me competing, which I get is a divisive issue, it shouldn't be, but they raised safeguarding concerns and toilet slash changing room issues about me, all of which I know because several people like journalists and LTA employees spoke to me about

it. After discovering this for the first time back in 2021, I quit Padel for a while. The person I had these issues with was someone I'd never spoken to and still haven't, but was someone I looked up to as a child. They were a former British number one tennis player and the first person I ever got to watch play at Wimbledon as a child. So it had a fairly significant effect on me to know they had such an issue with me. Earlier this year I decided to play in another women's competition. My reasoning this time was mainly because I was upset with LLTA after their head of equality, diversity and inclusion emailed me to say I wasn't allowed to use the women's facilities at the National Tennis Centre despite

having medically transitioned and sharing all my legal docs. The atmosphere at this tournament three years later was considerably more hostile. While all the cultural war stuff after the last half decade hasn't helped, I was told again that this person was still speaking to anyone who would listen about how egregious my inclusion was. It was an awful experience, but by making a public statement on my Instagram to get the stories shared, I was able to calm the situation down a bit. Since this competition in July, a lot of people within the Puddle community have got to know me and have somewhat softened me, realising I'm quite normal and not a self-entitled misogynistic, quote, average male, trying to take away hard-earned women's rights from them. I'm not sure this person who has been spoken about me has noticed this, but they DM'd me during competition recently asking if we could chat.

I said I would chat depending on what they wanted to talk about. They said they wanted to clear the air and it wasn't personal. But they didn't show up at the tournament the next day when we said we talk and I don't want to be the one who reaches out to them as I don't believe it's my issue to resolve. In my shoes would you talk to this person? I don't believe they'll apologise and they continue to bring me up to anyone who will listen but is it still worth hearing them to try and justify themselves? Congratulations if you made it this far i have receipts for everything what a pickle like it's so i mean there's so many ways into this right like one is what it is like to be a trans person, in particular a trans woman, at a time of an intense transphobic backlash.

One is about how do I live my life in the way of my choosing? So that's not just about can I medically and socially transition, but also can I still be myself and do the activities and the things that I love and not have to make those sacrifices in order to live as my gender. There's how do you deal with not just trans women How do you deal with not just trans women as a demographic being turned into a media hate figure, but you specifically being turned into a hate figure, there's how do you deal with the person

who has been trying to make you personally, not just like someone who has trans hostile beliefs in general, but someone who's trying to make you personally, not just like someone who has trans hostile beliefs in general, but someone who's trying to make you the story personally. And then there is this thing about like sports inclusion on what grounds who wear blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, you know, just to say to special one, if there are things which I miss out on this, like I really apologize and I'll try and be as like comprehensive as possible, but it's just so big, right? Like there's just so many facets to it. The first thing is, I guess, what do you do with this person,

this person who's been like trying to turn you into a hate figure for the press. I would say that if you are going to talk to this person, understand that this is not a human conversation. Like it is not a human conversation. You are walking a tight rope. Anything you say may be taken out of context. It may become public. It may be deliberately misrepresented. So you will have enormous pressure on you. Now that doesn't mean don't do it, but you have to go in knowing that that's the case.

Personally, if I was dealing with someone like that, I would try and make sure that there is a record of what was said exactly. So either it's all conversations which happen through writing, or I would like and have done this before and I've been in situations with people who I do not trust like do not trust politically because I've had my phone recording in my pocket now that's not illegal as long as you don't share it with a third party. Personally I would take those steps to protect yourself like if you're going to do it. Also understand how, and I'm saying this like not to do a like as a blah blah blah, but like also like, you know, I'm not trans, but I know what it's like to be brown and I know what it's like to have a completely different set of standards apply to you. It's not fair, but it is the reality. You will have to have Herculean amounts of self-control and emotional self-regulation, and you'll be held to a completely

different standard to this woman. And that's how it's going to be. So for me, unless you're able to have that amount of self-control and able to protect yourself and be able to have that amount of self control and able to protect yourself and be you know be able to sort of like you know consider absolutely every word you say unless you can do all those things don't talk to them because this person is out to get you like in a very very real way what do you think I don't I don't... I don't know, it's really difficult because it's like, would you talk to this person? They've reached out, they've left you hanging,

and now it's the question of, do you try and reach out to them? Which feels like another disproportionate burden that you have to carry. And also, as you said, but then again, will that make it maybe, you know, you said, remember, you're not going to do this as a human conversation, but there is this element of like, when you're face to face, what do you, what would you want out of that conversation? What would you actually want to gain from talking to them?

I think it's really difficult. I think it's very difficult to give advice when materially the circumstances for trans people in this country are just getting worse. Like I've got, I know that sports is one area where some of my trans friends are like, well, you know, there's some, there's some bits of this where we should look at how gender or other sex affects the way you do sport. But I think honestly, it's, it's such a wedge, it's used as such a wedge issue. It's like, give no ground, give no fucking ground at this stage, because the ground has already been given.

And look where we've ended up. I've got friends who have been, you know, they're doctors, they're GPs who prescribe them their hormones for years and years and now turning around saying, you can't have this. We've just seen puberty blockers for under 18s removed just from trans kids, not other patients, just trans kids. The material circumstances to be a trans person, whether that's under 18 or over 18 in this country, have got so much worse than they were

three, five years ago even. The pace has happened so rapidly. It's really snowballed from the initial rumblings of this movement to this now juggernaut of transphobia that has been picked up. So it's very difficult for me to advise you because it's like being a being a group being part of a group that's under attack in this stage, it's like you shouldn't have to carry this burden of one person of having to try and mitigate what is a structural persecution against you. You should just be able to play fucking Padel. And four days ago, they changed the rules of Padel.

Four days ago, they changed rules. They banned some trans women from doing some tournaments with Padel and lawn tennis and stuff. That happened literally four days ago. So the decision has been made where some specific competitions, trans women specifically will be banned from partaking. I mean, the thing which I think is so fucked about it is that like, because you're right, it's a wedge issue or like, I guess I think about it as like a crowbar, right?

Like it's, it's sort of like, you know, when you're talking about competitive sports, like that is a situation where like, what is going on with your body? What's a fair advantage? What's an unfair advantage? Like those things matter. But then suddenly it's not about the integrity of the competition. Suddenly it's about changing rooms.

Suddenly it's about toilets. Suddenly it's about all these other things, which are not about your body fundamentally. And like, you know, your body compared to the people that you're competing against it's suddenly about behavior and an assumption that you as a trans person and in particular as a trans woman will behave or more likely to behave or have a greater risk of behaving in a way which is like dangerous like an aberration, socially disruptive. And like, this is the thing which like, you know,

obviously I want to be able to give advice to this person and not just be like, what do I think about the whole thing? But like, in terms of what I think about the whole thing is that like, most of the things about gender are to do with behavior, right? It's to do with behavior. How is this person likely to act? And ultimately I don't think that a trans person is likely to be any worse or any better than any other fucking person, right? Like that's it.

There are some very, very narrow settings where it's like, Ooh, okay, actually what's going on with the body is important. Like competitive sports may be one of them, right? There's also a fuck ton of data that still needs to be understood and processed to really get your head around it. But that's a tiny kernel. The rest of it, which is about access to spaces and how disruptive the presence of a trans person is going to be, that's about behavior. Ultimately ultimately I've got the same amount of faith in a trans person that I do in any other fucking person. But I think like just about like, you know, you special one, like as an individual, like, you know, there's what you might want out

of a conversation. And there's also like, what are you likely to get? This person has told you something about what they're willing to do to you. And they say it's not personal, but regardless of whether or not they feel personal animus towards you, it's had some pretty profound personal effects. And so I'm not saying don't talk to them. I'm not saying there's no hope

of having a human conversation, but you cannot go into it with that as your base level of expectation. The expectation has to be prepared for the worst, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. And I think that like, you know, like I said, I don't know what it's like to be trans, but I do know what it's like to exist in a context

where people are motivated to try and take your head off, to like kill your reputation and make you out to be someone that you're not. And you have to protect yourself. Like you have got to protect yourself in that kind of context. I don't think you should meet this person as they reach out again.

I think you should carry with the strategy of just chilling with the other Padel people that you've made friends with thus far. Live life. Live life, like life is already short. You say that other people, you shouldn't be having to do this fucking outreach where every interaction is me humanizing yourself. So I would, yeah, the that other people, you know, you shouldn't be having to do this fucking outreach where you're like every interaction is me humanizing yourself.

So I would, yeah, the love people, you say the love people in the Padawan community have got to know you. I don't think you should feel like- I wonder if she's coming from a place of curiosity though, because I get that. I'm fascinated by the people who hate me. Yeah, maybe.

But I would just say it's not up to you to have to reach out to this person again. And if they can reach out to you, then you can decide, but you shouldn't have to now do the legwork being like you said we were gonna meet so are we gonna meet that's my answer. We've got time for a little one shall I read it out? Yeah please. Dear Ashen Moyer, I recently got recommended your podcast by a friend and I am loving catching up on episodes. I've recently been dating a guy, first mistake

but we move. Despite him continuing to ask about my day and keeping the conversation going, I felt it was me always asking to meet up. I messaged asking if he wanted to continue dating, to which he replied saying he'd had fun but did not want to see me anymore. The fact that he was not honest with his emotions has frustrated me, but the situation has highlighted to me that I often mould myself to be what I think men want. This included during sex I felt too awkward to bring up the fact he wasn't wearing a condom. For context I'm 23 and have never been in a serious relationship. My friends suggested that growing up with my mum and my sister may have resulted in my idolizing, and I find I seek a lot of validation from them.

I want to ask for advice on how to remain authentic to myself and prioritize my own needs in future relationships. Thanks for your help. How do you remain authentic to yourself? Who is yourself? How do you prioritize your own needs in relationships? Bit by bit, it's practice. Work out your own needs and then think, am I prioritizing them? Is this a need where, you know, I need to be hard-line? Is this something I can compromise and build with? You're very young. You learn your red lines as you go.

Um, you know, enduring sex, you felt too awkward to bring up the fact he wasn't wearing a condom. Next time is the case of being like, is that a red line for me? Okay. Either you wear a condom or we time it's the case of being like, is that a red line for me? Okay. Either you wear a condom or we don't have sex. Those that this is a bit by bit at 23, I definitely wasn't, you know, able to communicate all my needs and, you know, remain authentic to myself.

You just have to slowly unpick these ideas. Start reading some books around it as well. Telling you will to change bell hooks. That is a great one for both humanizing men and stripping away this idea that they are gods to be put on a pedestal. I mean, 23 is a great age to sort of take hold of the reins a bit, like a really, really great age. And it's not a surprise to me that these issues around being able to articulate your needs and like how much agency do you have in shaping a relationship with a man? Like is the ball always in their

court? Do they get to dictate what goes? Like, you know, what to do if their communication isn't lining up with their actions? Like this is a really great time to be noticing that like, oh, actually there are some problems here and what's happening isn't how I'd like it to be, right? Fucking great for you to be realizing this shit at 23 rather than like 33, do you know what I mean? Like really, really good. I'm gonna be like a bit more like hardcore studs up

with the advice. One, you are not always gonna know what you want from sex. You're not always going to know what kind of sex you enjoy. But before you have sex, think about some things which are non-negotiables. And if they are non-negotiables, you've got to act on them. It happens like this or it doesn't happen. And those things are to do with, you know, safety, comfort, contraceptives.

You know, if you feel that in the moment, you can't stick up for the fact that you want him to wear a condom, you're not ready to have sex with somebody. Right? Because that's also on you. Like you have to take, it's both agency and responsibility. you're not ready to have sex with somebody, right? Because that's also on you. It's both agency and responsibility. You have to take responsibility for making sure this thing happens, right? He's got responsibilities towards you as well, but you can't expect men to telepathically

intuit the thing that you need. The second thing is about dating a guy, feeling that there's a disconnect between how he's talking and the actual work of continuing the relationship. Now what you've learned is that what he says is less important than what he does. What he does is the language you need to be hearing because that's telling you what's going to happen or not happen. And you don't have to, you know, I've got friends and I certainly have done this myself where I kind of looked at men as like tea leaves that I had to read. And it's like, no, you don't like you take them at the word of their behavior. And you don't have to do this sort of like weird oscillation between what they do and what they say. No, what they do is the important

thing to look at. And that's the basis on which you act. And when it comes to like, you know, often molding yourself to be what you think men want, again, really, like when you think about the romantic context in which, you know, people are socialized, but in particular women, it's understandable that you sort of think in order to have a relationship with a guy, that's what you have to do because like so much of the culture is like around, you know, men being these sort of like elusive fleeting things that you have to like lock down but like not chase too hard. And like, you know, I get that something and this is something that my partner said when we were talking about like previous relationships where maybe like he could tell that he very much had the upper hand in a way because like

someone was gonna mold themselves to him and he was like that's actually not attractive, it's actually not attractive, like it doesn't present a mirror to myself as a man that I like, like I want someone that is capable of like challenging me and stretching me and like making me grow and can be a partner of equals, like a real partner of equals. And so I think that that's something which is, yeah, it's almost useful to bear in mind to that. Actually, if what you want is a relationship

with a man who is worth your love, like for the man to be worth your love, like you can't be whatever you think he wants you to be. I think that's a great note to end it on. Oh, 2025, let's go. 2025, yeah, let's go. Oh, 2025. Yeah, let's go. Let's go.

We'll get there. You're already there. I'm living in the future, baby. I need a large IV shot. This has been If I Speak. This has been If I Speak. Have a great New Year's Eve. Be sensible, be guided.

If you don't want to go out and go crazy, don't do that. Listen to yourselves. And if at any point you think you can leave your friends and reconnect with them later, just know that's not going to happen. It's not happening. And just accept that they're gone into the wiles. You're gone into the wiles and they're gone into the wiles. Ciao! Wish the people a Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! Ciao! So happy New Year. Bye! Bye! Ciao, so happy new year, bye!