If I Speak - 68: Help! My housemate is a pig

Episode Date: June 10, 2025

Moya and Ash deal with your dilemmas, including a daughter who wants to give away her inheritance, a scared mum facing up to her prejudice, a singleton wondering if moving home was a mistake, and a renter whose housemate is a total pig. Are you in big trouble? Email us: [e-mail] Music by Matt Huxley.

Hello, welcome to If I Speak. I'm Moira De Maclean and with me is... At this point I would say I'm about 40% croquette. Where did you have your croquettes? In Barcelona. I went to go see my friend who's having a baby. So it was like super special. Also, my name's Ash, but hopefully people know that already. So I went to go see my friend who's having a baby.

She's like maybe six weeks away from her due date. So it was a, we planned it as like a, this is the last time we're going to be childless together before her identity changes forever. And it felt so, so special and like high key romantic. I've told you about her before. Like she's, she's the, she's my most romantic friend. There's just always the sense of like we're being swept away. And yeah, it was great. But I ate so many croquetas. Where were the croquetas specifically that were the best croquetas? There was a bar called Bournemouth. That was a good ham on croquette, which I would thoroughly, thoroughly recommend.

How are you doing? What are your top lines? Ah, no, less about me. Less about me. Less about me. Don't need to, don't need to, yeah. Let's me, less about me. Less about me. Don't need to, don't need to, yeah. Let's not, let's not do me this week. It'll be depressing for the audience.

But I've got questions for you, our traditional questions. Give me, give me the questions. Shoot the questions at me. All right, so in the grand tradition of Condé Nast's 73 questions, we are just more pushed for time. So here's three. Question the first, what is your ideal summer evening? It's really hard.

Depends on the day. If it's a weekday where I have complete control over everything I'm doing. If it's a weekend, let's say a Friday, ideal summer evening would be, finish work a bit early. I would want to go out for a delicious meal and probably something a bit al fresco. Is it boring if I just say Turkish?

I'd want an Eskender Kebab somewhere on a beautiful street, all over a beautiful street, just a fucking grimy street in Peckham, I don't care. Eskender Kebab on a street somewhere that makes you feel like you're part of the city coming to life around you. Then I would want drinks, I want a spicy margarita at Social, specifically because they do the best spicy margaritas

in London, I've said this before, I've said this again. If you have a better spicy margarita for me, tell me. I, in many ways, as I get older, I'm a basic bitch, okay? That's fine. It's so fine. Also, your hair looks amazing, I didn't even clock this before, you guys can't see this, but Asher's hair, you had a haircut?

No. There's no layers in this hair. It looks really great. It is, yeah, As, actually that looks really good. If you've got, yeah, as I get older, I'm more of a basic bitch and I like basic things. I'm listening to a lot of pop. I always like pop, but my Spotify's all pop.

And I really like spicy margaritas. I think that's okay. So, social for spicy margarita. Then I would want some sort of sweaty club night that is full of promise or a house party. I want to be out in the world and I want the potential to meet people. But also if I don't, I want to be having an amazing time

with my friends, you see the core group needs to be there. And then if we meet and talk to people, great fun. But so long as it's ours. And then to end the night, if it's past like 4 a, I just want to be in it. I want the power of teleportation so I can just get home. If it's like 3am, I want to be able to walk home and think about the whole night that has just happened, when it's balmy still, and you're just like, wow, it's great to be alive. Also I want to be in bed before 5am unless it's like a very special festival night because a perfect night means that the next morning I'm not completely dead and I can still walk

to Morrison's. Yeah like not one where you're like I don't think I'll ever be normal or good again. I don't want that. I had when I was my friend's 30th birthday party, the other week, and we had an amazing, amazing glorified house party at a venue that we really love that is secret. And so you can get like 150 people in,

but it's basically like a house party. And I left at like full 30 and walked home to where I'm staying and woke up the next day with no hangover because I've been only gently sipping a little bit of rum as it's a special occasion and lots of water and I was able to make a delicious, delicious sleep day feast, a veg day feast. Oh it's perfect. Mmm. Perfect. What's your perfect summer day? Oh okay, perfect summer evening. Yeah. The thing is is that there are so

many different, so many different kinds, so many different kinds. I think that it would begin with either tinnies in the park or some kind of pub beer garden as the gathering spot for friends as they're clocking off of work. So you can feel, you know, the excitement is building as more and more people arrive. Then because it can't be a perfect evening without food, ideally someone would be barbecuing. I love a barbecue. And I've also got a particular friend who is so great. Your girlfriend. My grill friend.

Turkish grill. Turkish grill. Turkish grill friend. Turkish grill friend. Who's got a smoker the size of me. And his chicken thighs, his lamb shoulder, just incomparable, without parallel. But also he does a very, very good mac and cheese,

because I also think the value of barbecue is not just about the sides. I'd do a good kimchi macaroni and cheese with a bit of gochujang. You've mentioned your kimchi macaroni and cheese, so at some point I think you're going to have to release the recipe to the listeners. I will. Maybe you should do a cookbook. I mean I just that would require so much like testing. That would be quite a sleigh. The communist cookbook. The communist cookbook. You know who there are two political cookbooks. One is there's a Jerry Adams cookbook. Right. Called like the negotiators cookbook and it's like all the meals that I had when negotiating the Good Friday agreement. No, that's for the day to day. No, I've got a copy of it. I've got a copy of it. I swear

to God. And Bobby Seal, Bobby Seal of the Black Panther Party has got barbecuing with Bobby. Right. So there is a grand tradition of this exact thing. That is hilarious. But yeah, we would get to the barbecue point. Then after that, I think I would want one of two things either, a house party where there's a decent garden as well. Mm.

Right? And there are a few houses I have in mind who've been very generous with their party throwing that I can think of. There's one North London which maybe you're thinking of that has the biggest garden I've ever seen. It's like, it goes off a mile. It's like the fucking secret garden. I know. It's like Tom's midnight garden. Where does it come from? And there's a new building like out the back. And I'm like, and there are levels to it.

Yeah. Go on. Great house for house parties. Or a rave on the marshes. I've never been to rave on the marshes, you know. Really fun. But sort of there is an element of peril. And the peril is when you have to go for a wee as a cis lady, and you're wondering where the nettles are. Because you want to crouch low because lots of people are around. So you know, you want to protect your modesty, but also as a country.

As a country pisser, I really understand. Also, you guys put all the sewage in the marshes. I think, I think, I really understand. Also, is it you guys putting all the sewage in the marshes? I think, I think, I think, This is why you can't swim in the lee. I would never, I would never drop solids in a public place. You can't drop solids in a public place. I would have to be incredibly unwell and I would probably like call for an air ambulance before I did it. 999, I need to crab.

Send a helicopter immediately I would lead marshes. So that's a helicopter redoing. All right next two questions. If you were a snack what snack would you be? And you are a snack but what I mean is if you were an edible snack. I would be an eclair, not a patisserie eclair, like hard sweet eclair, or a bonbon. Something with a very hard casing

that you're gonna break your teeth on, but if you get through, it's soft as hell. But very sweet. Very sweet, but soft, and then hardly outside. Oh, one of those crazy, do you remember those fizzy candies that would literally burn the roof of your mouth off if you ate too many? Yes! I, I! What were they called?

I can't remember. They were like death or something. They were like death something. There came different flavors as well. Like, um, they were called different things. So you could get them randomly in off licenses. Or you could get them sometimes in sweet shops. But mostly it was in off licenses because I swear supermarkets won't sell them. But they would literally, if you ate more than three, burn them. They were called like death fizzy things.

There was like a chili flavor one as well yeah i once ate an entire pack of those and i did and my skin on my mouth didn't regrow for a very long time so maybe one of those i don't pair it with one of those i think i don't think i think i think you're really overreacting your own perilousness it's more just like it's a hard case. It's a hard case, isn't it? You know, it's a hard case for you to the soft stuff. That would be my snack. Final question. Okay. Where do you turn for emotional intimacy? My friends, I suppose. My friends. I'm bad at it at the moment. I'm quite bad at it.

Is there a particular friend? I would say the homocrons, and then there's two other friends who I turn to, but I don't know how well I'm doing at the moment. I don't wanna keep talking about this because I start crying, but I'm not doing very well. I'm not doing very well. I mean, we can talk about it.

We're doing a Dilemma Special, by the way. This is an I'm in big trouble special. These are other people's problems, don't mind. But Moya, if you are in big trouble. No, I'm not in big trouble. I'm just overwhelmed and stressed, but I say that every week. So I feel like we should talk about other people's problems

so I don't talk about mine. Well, how do people submit their problems for consideration? If you would like to submit your problems for consideration, you just need to get, open your little laptop or computer, whatever device, get out your keyboard, and type in to your email address line, if I speak at navarimedia.com, or one word, if I speak at navarimedia.com.

And lots of you know how to do this because we get a lot of dilemmas, which is why we're doing a Dilemma Special. Are you ready? I'm as ready as I will ever be at this juncture. On this day, at this time, I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Right. I'm locked in. Do you want to read first or shall I?

I think you should read first. Okay, right. Dilemmas. Hi, Moira and Ash. Use your spiel about how much I love the show. It's my favorite podcast and especially love how much you actively disagree and speak through the ways you think differently without judgment or school. Anyway, on to my dilemma. I'm 25 years old and come from immense family privilege. I went to private school, my parents helped with living costs during uni,

and I've been living with extended family for free or very cheap for my first two years since moving to London post-university. I've been involved in different forms of community organizing, but never full time. I now work in frontline homelessness services, which I find incredibly fulfilling and it does pay enough for me to live in London for now.

In contrast to a lot of my organised comrades, I want to continue to work full time whether I need the income or not as I have found it essential for my mental health. My older sister is obsessed with buying a house and has sparked an internal debate as she has constantly nagged me to buy with her. When my grandmother died two years ago, she left behind money that our parents have slipped between the grandchildren, leaving us with 30,000 each. Not currently in my bank account. As soon as I found out about this money, I decided I wanted to redistribute it. I do not see it as mine or earned and I'm morally against inherited wealth, so I want to find the best way to give it away. To me. My sister wants to use that. As well as some other inherited money that I'm planning to donate for a deposit.

And other family agree and I'm not particularly happy with the idea of it being given away. Here in our arsenal of tactics my sister's put forward the argument that buying a house would give me the stable base from which to be able to actually better support community organising and the political causes I care about. Would getting out of the rental market mean I have more money and time to redistribute to community organising and different cultures or am I being taken in by the siren song of capitalism and ownership culture? I'm also not sure I want to live in London long term and buying is a huge commitment but would it give me the ability to give so much more money away in the long term? I know this is a hugely privileged position to be in.

Would appreciate any thoughts on my too much respected sages. I'm very confused. Ash, I think you should go first simply because you are the more radical one of us, but you also own a house. So I think you will have a great take. Ashleigh I do. I mean, look, the first thing is no one can stop you giving away the money if you want to. The thing which is complicated is that when it comes to inheritance, is that there are all these emotional strings that come along with it. There are always expectations for how you use the money. But if you wanted to,

you could give it all away to Acorn or the London Renters Union or whatever. Like you could. But what I'd say is this, I don't think there is a quote unquote ethical difference between giving all your money away to a landlord and putting that money into a house that you own yourself or a flat that you own yourself or that you share with somebody else. I don't see that as necessarily being the kind of,

I don't think it's the same as owning a second home. I don't think it's the same as owning a buy-to-let property. I don't think it's the same as, you know, exploiting other people. Sure, there are these knock-on effects of rising house prices, which lock lots of people out of stable and secure housing. But that's the system and one person making choices by themselves can't change it. So personally, just because this is what I'm like, I wanted to

get out of the rental market as quickly as possible, simply because I wanted a more secure base from which to live my life. And that's not just a political thing. It's also a personal thing. I wanted to feel like I had my feet on the ground. Something which one of my colleagues, Aaron Bassani, has said is that getting out of the rental market and being able to buy a place outside of London with his partner, like significantly improved his mental health. And I think that is something to consider, the way in which renting really impacts you. But maybe this isn't the sort of, you know, political answer that you want. Maybe what you want is for someone to tell you that you should give it all away.

I just think that in my experience of being on the left, sometimes this thing of like, just give away all the money. I've seen this happen with organizations and I've seen it happen with individuals, is that there is an element of abdicating yourself of political responsibility that I've seen. Because I've seen some really stupid uses of money on the left.

I mean, super duper stupid. And it's my belief that resources are best used on the left to build or support organization building, rather than sort of direct transfers of money, which I've not seen that go well. I've also seen a few projects which really shouldn't have been funded in the first place. I mean, really. So if you do want to give away that that money, think about how it can support an organization or a piece of movement infrastructure that will last. So your 30 grand or whatever else it is, it's not just 30 grand worth of spending, it's years of organizational effectiveness and survival. So yeah, that's my advice. What about you?

It's difficult. I don't think you should give it all away, but I'm also infected by capitalism. I got a terminal case of the capitalism disease. I got a terminal, there's no known cure. There's no known cure. Literally like I'm at the stage where, I think I've talked about this before,

but I'm, maybe we should do do an episode that's more about this, but I'm trying to get fucked by the property market is how I'm describing it, which is a better way of saying, because I'm not outright buying a flat, I'm trying to do shared ownership because I can't afford to buy a flat. And I've talked about this before,

shared ownership is literally like, you're getting fucked too, you're being spit roasted. You're being spit roasted by the property market. But I cannot deal with the precarity of renting anymore. Because with renting, I do think a stable base makes such a difference. And the idea of having to go back into London renting, it's not even the paying through the nose. Like it probably will cost me a bit more if I do shared ownership because of the way that my income stacks up versus like where I want to live. Like I will probably have to pay a bit more. And also what mortgages have worked. It's such a con. I can't even tell you how much of a con it is. Like because the property valuations are so high in

London, the mortgages, even the shares on the mortgages you get are ridiculous for like one bed. Anyway, we'll talk about that another day. I'll break it down for people who want to know. She's in her CFA era, ladies. Oh. People keep being like, have you read this? I'm like, have I read this? I've read it front to back.

I know all about the RPI and the rent decreases now. Like, it's actually awful. But with renting, it's the precarity, it's the fact that you can be in a place and your landlord will just suddenly be like I actually I want you to leave. CBA I'm trying to sell and they won't sell it for like three years because the valuation is way too high but you still have to fuck off. It's that thing all the time there's a constant churn and I think that precarity is so difficult to exist with in London. The questions I would be asking yourself is not even should I buy because I think, you know, fine. It's more that you will have to buy with your sister if you buy because £30,000

is not enough for a deposit to get your mortgage down enough in London if you're getting a flat. Like you'd have, I mean, I don't know how much you earn at Homelessness Challenge here. I can't imagine it's loads and loads. Maybe it's just enough. Like I'm saying loads and loads and I'm like 38,000. But in London, that's not loads and loads anymore. But that would give you, say if you even managed to get a flat,

a one bed flat, which is about, can be anything from 200,000, but usually you'll be about like 300 and something thousand nowadays. So if you had your 30,000 deposit for a one bed flat, your mortgage would still be like one grand or something a month, which is too much for one person, in my opinion,

unless you're earning loads of money. So you'd have to buy a sister and that would leave you with about 60,000 plus the extra stuff you've talked about. And the questions I would be asking is, what are your sister's plans for this house? Because you have very different outlooks on property and the use of property.

And will you, A, will you live well together? But B, what do you want out of this? If you're buying a house with someone, you have to have the same sort of like long-term goals that house or agreements at least, like after five years we'll sell it, or I plan to live here for the rest of my life. So when I, if I leave, like, what are you you gonna do because she seems like she wants to settle down is she going to use it and

be a landlord would you agree with that if you both then vacate the flat and then it's it's you know you're getting a landlord income that way there's different ways to it like you know I think I think lodging is fine because I'm considering doing that kind of thing but like if you're someone who's as committed politically as you are and you're not planning to live in London long term your sister sounds like she might be someone who's like actually I think it's so chill if we rent this out at quite a high rate. Just from the email I really think you need to talk about those things because buying the house is not just a commitment in terms of like you know mending this house all the costs that are going to go into it etc etc, etc. And like having a base, it's also a commitment with the person you're buying with.

And that's that family buying property of family. It can go badly. Let's just put it that way. Same with friends, same with anyone. But at least with like a partner, if you split up, you sell the place and you move on with a family. What happens when your plans go very differently? What happens, you know, if you leave and then your sister's like, actually, I want to buy you out of this property one day and you're like, Oh, no, actually, one is

based on so many different things you have to talk about. That would be my first step. A vague contract is nobody's friend. Is what I would say. Should we? Should we move on to the next one? Next one. You're okay. I'm going to read this one out. Mm. Mm. Is what I would say. Should we move on to the next dilemma? Yes. Next one.

You're up. Okay. I'm going to read this one out. Hi, both. Really love your podcast and have become a devoted listener. Always appreciate the advice you guys give, so here is my dilemma. Last year, my partner and I moved back to the area that I grew up in as I was pregnant and we wanted to be near family for support.

One thing I've noticed since moving back is how dangerous the roads are nowadays. People drive insanely fast down quiet residential roads. I find it so incredibly selfish and it brings on such an extreme rage inside of me. I recently went ballistic at a man who drove around 50mph down a 20mph road near my parents house when I was about to cross the road with my baby. He was only interested in the fact that I swore at him and was demanding an apology until he eventually sped off again down the road. I have family on these roads, I have cats, I now have a baby. I feel very vulnerable and I think my reaction was justified when you feel threatened you get angry to protect yourself and even

more so as a mum to protect your baby. My dilemma, however, is that every time I look at who's in the driver's seat or manage to confront them, it's always a young, between 18 and 35-ish, South Asian man. And this isn't one of those situations where I just notice it when they're South Asian. It genuinely always is. I live in an area of South Manchester where there's a large minority of South Asian people and particularly a lot of Pakistani people. I'm half Kurdish myself and my mom is from Turkey. The way people drive in Istanbul is very reckless and selfish and so I'm aware that driving culture is different in other parts of the world. Nevertheless, I think being careful and considerate on the roads, especially as a driver, is just fundamentally better for society and obviously for our safety.

And these guys are usually British and have grown up here. Sometimes I notice myself feeling an anger towards this particular group and thinking about assimilation and things like they should respect the culture here. Even though if I heard someone say this in public, I'd be challenging them. I'm fiercely anti-racist and having Kurdish and Lithuanian Jewish ancestry, I'm very aware of the horror that can come from discourses of assimilation. I also know that young men speed all over the UK, but it does seem to be particularly bad here. I see a lot of young Asian men going out for really fast drives at night, seemingly with no destination but just for fun.

It's so loud, the noise makes me anxious, and it wakes up my baby. How do I channel this anger into something more productive rather than something that feels a bit like racism from a special mom kiss kiss? Interesting dilemma. Yeah fascinating. I know it's fascinating. Luckily I work in local news so I actually have takes on this. One is that boy racing culture is not specific to certain ethnicities but it does like there are certain cultural groups where you get like second-generation boy racers like this just in in fucking like Lancashire, around Bolton and stuff you get lots of white boy racers you get them in Birmingham too but you also get lots of South Asian boy racers.

I don't, it's a really interesting question because I don't think it's, it's not that it's not British. It is British, but it's also like something that is big in the British South Asian communities in certain pockets. Birmingham, huge British South Asian boy racer community. Like they're always on the streets doing drag racing. It's a big thing.

Manchester as well, because you've got a large South Asian population there and the young boys have created their own sort of like, the young British South Asians have created this drag racing culture and that's what you're seeing. But you also get white people doing it. If you're like, you know, do you not remember?

Do you not remember the fucking MG Rovers back in the day? What? This was, this was such a thing. I remember the boys who had the VW Golf. Like there was super top VW Golf. But the, in Birmingham, cause it was MG Rovers. They used to have like a certain type of Rover before Rover collapsed in 2004 that they do all the,

because they, they became really popular when they revamped them with the boy racers. Oh my god Bradford as well you get all the white boy racers around there. I mean get a lot of Asian boy racers. Yeah exactly but what I'm saying is it's not just it's not just young South Asians but I to the assimilation point I'm like well it's kind of it's kind of it's not that is the fucking these are young men who are tapped into a particular strain of car culture And in some groups that's become more prevalent and it tends to be white boys and South Asian boys Anyway, what I'm thinking is yeah the bit about our simulation. Obviously that's like coming from I

Think when we go to ugly places in our minds and we're angry, like, you sometimes, you surprise yourself by how much you've absorbed from the structural racism around you in the things that you can think sometimes. But the point is not that no one will never think racist thoughts or that no one will never think misogynistic thoughts. The point is like when you have them, as you have done, you identify that, oh, where did this very ugly thought come from? What is the root of that? Like, what is the actual problem here?

And the problem here is that you feel nervous and threatened, and you don't see a way to deal with this, the perception of threat that you have from the boy racers, which is, I might be hit by a car, or like it's very loud and it's disruptive and et cetera. I don't like this. I don't like this.

So your brain is scrabbling around for a way to deal with it. And what it has come up with is, you know, assimilation. Assimilation ain't gonna do shit. They are assimilated. The thing is like, solutions are hard because they're not gonna stop doing this. But swearing at them is not gonna make it stop.

Talking to them one-on-one and getting to know them and humanizing each other is more likely to work, but that takes a long time and is a pain in the bum. But swearing at them is only gonna make them feel more rebellious and more like they wanna do what they wanna do. Because you're not to them, a human person, you then just become an opp.

You're just someone trying to get in the way and they think you're not to them, a human person, you then just become an op. You're just someone trying to get in the way and they think you're being rude. They don't understand how disruptive their behavior is because they're already drag racing, like they don't care that fucking much about the people around them. So I think it's different, I don't really have a solution, but I think, yes, this assimilation bit is racism

and identify that, but also think more about what your actual fear is. What does your identify the actual fear that you're dealing more about what your actual fear is. Why don't you identify the actual fear that you're dealing with here and the actual like what is the worst case scenario? Where am I going? Am I a new mum who's panicked about the safety of her baby? Am I also this and that? But recognize that some of your reactions are going to be disproportionate to the actual level of threat in the moment, then you can start trying to work out what the best solution is. But at the moment, you're coming from a complete pace of like,

I'm in danger, my baby's in danger, I need to do something about this. So I completely agree with everything you said. I think that that is the root cause, which is this new vulnerability that you feel both for yourself and for your baby. And when people are breaking the speed limit, when they're driving dangerously, when they're being disruptive, that is a real physical threat to your safety. That's not something you're imagining.

It is a real threat. And how do you go about dealing with it? I think that you also have to bear in mind that if you are out of control, angry, and there is a young man, like you also don't know what they're capable of. Like that is also a threat to your safety if you're going in really, really hot in a way which isn't necessarily controlled, right? That's not the safest thing for you or your baby.

The second thing, just to completely co-sign what you said, which is this isn't an Asian men thing necessarily, it's a young men thing. Like when you read new stories about, you know, deaths from dangerous driving, I mean, you see a lot of young white men too. And I think that where you do see ethnic differences is based on there being cultural differences. I don't mean like because you've brought this from some other country, I mean, like, you know, from the diaspora cultures here of when you learn to drive.

And this is something which I really, really noticed growing up in London, which is the young black and young Asian men learn to drive first. They learn to drive often a lot younger than young white people. And part of that was to do with the impact of serious youth violence on the streets and the fact that you're always a target, even if you're not a part of that life at all, by virtue of your ethnicity, if you live in certain areas. So it became a real priority at the age of 17 to get your license as quickly as possible. Whereas often for my white friends, it came later. So even like late 20s, early 30s,

when they're thinking more about what kind of family life do I wanna have. So I think that does account for differences in behavior. And also then when you get out to rural areas, which tend to be more white anyway, but also because you're not gonna necessarily be able to get around, because there isn't reliable public transport, is that you see young white guys learning

to drive like a lot younger and that's reflected in who you see in dangerous driving. And they drive crazy. Let me just say, they drive crazy. Some of the things I've seen like, you know, when I've like gone up to Yorkshire and like the more rural bits near where my partner's from, I'm like, ooh, Lord Jesus, Lord, Lord Jesus. And I think it's just worth bearing in mind that living in a racist society means that we absorb certain principles. And that's not just about how you see people and what sort of stereotypes and character traits you attach to them. It's also about how you interpret things. And one of the things that we absorb from living in a racist society is that when ethnic minorities do something bad, we immediately turn to race and culture as an explanation in a way that we don't for white

people, right? If when we see, you know, one of those awful, awful news stories about, you know, a young white boy racer who's like either their life or is harmed, killed other people. We don't go, oh, there's something to do with white Britishness here. But we do do it if they're young and Asian or something else. I think another thing which also might come into it is that if going to the pub isn't a big part of your culture, I remember interviewing someone who's black British and they were like, oh yeah, my white friends love to have it large in the pub. Like they see going to the pub as more of a white thing,

either because you're Muslim or just like culturally, it's a bit not that. Like where you behave recklessly, rather than it being in a space where there's alcohol, very often can be in a car. That's not a defense of it. I agree with you. I think it's awful and antisocial and shit. But I think that can also offer an explanation, which is less to do with failure to assimilate and more to do with like, how does, how does being a young man kind of play out in this like

more culturally specific way? Should we move on? Yes. Sorry, listen, that we didn't give you a specific solution, but I think I trust you'll find it through what we've said. Through reading between the lines. Every time we don't give a specific solution, I'm just going to go read between the lines. Read between the lines. Let's try and pick up the pace so we can get through some more.

Yeah. You're reading next. Okay, pace picked up. I'll be pace picking up. I'm gonna go so fast, I'm gonna go 60 mile per hour. All right, great. And there is no speed limit here on if I speak. All right, let's go. Hi, Asher Moyer, big fan of the podcast,

I find myself with a recent-ish dilemma I'd appreciate some perspective on. About four years ago I moved from London back to my hometown after becoming disenchanted with my career. I currently live with family and now have a job that is relatively stress-free and flexible. My last romantic relationship pre-COVID didn't end particularly well and led to a loss of interest and confidence in pursuing another one, at least up until last year, where the reality of turning 30 hit me hard. I've used dating apps in the past,

but generally I don't find them to be particularly a helpful way of meeting people. At the start of the year, I made a point to join clubs, speak to strangers and make more effort socializing. I've met some really nice people, but for the most part, these tend to be one-off encounters, people who already have an established family life or friendship circle, and people who are a lot older than I am, or simply those I don't have much in common with. I've looked at moving back to a big city to increase

the pool of people that I could meet, but I apply to jobs elsewhere very half-heartedly. The idea of living away from my family fills me with sadness as we've all become very close. My question quite simply is this, if I wanted to meet someone to start a romantic relationship then do I take the leap and move to a bigger city or do I keep persevering where I am? I've considered moving into a flat share to make some friends but I'd be living paycheck to paycheck as my salary isn't that great. On the other hand, I don't want to reach 40 or even 31 and still be living in my childhood bedroom. For the most part, I'm happy with my life as it is, but I'm also deeply scared of time passing me by any advice would be much appreciated. If you're focusing on the one thing that you lack, then your life will pass you by because you won't be looking at all the other amazing things you have. You are near family and that makes you happy.

You become really close to them. That clearly is something you value a lot. You have a job that you like that is stress free, you say, relatively stress free and flexible. You're not having to pay extortionate rates for a flat share. Sure, you're in a childhood bedroom, but you say you're mostly happy,

but instead you're focusing on this one thing, this lack of a partner. And I would try and start and pick why that has become so symbolic to you here. Like you're going out of your way to meet people, you're going out of your way to like make friends, but because this like romantic partnership hasn't appeared, then you're like, well, things are going wrong. I don't wanna be 40 and alone.

You might be 40 and not in a romantic relationship but that doesn't mean you have to be alone. And I would say there is no guarantee that moving to a big city is going to make you meet a partner. There is no guarantee at all. In fact, talk to many of my friends and me. You have to be happy with your life around that thing. And if you move to a city and all the other things in your life change for the worse,

in the sense that the things that you don't want, you know, you're away from your family, you get a job that can't pay enough bills, you have to move into a flat share where you have to live paycheck to paycheck, then and you still don't meet a partner, what then? Does that mean that your life has suddenly become more successful just because you've moved to a big city? I think you need to think more holistically about what you actually want from life and what you're missing

and maybe it is companionship of some time and you need to focus more on pursuing more friendships where you live because you said these one-off encounters are difficult because it's like they already have this and that. It sounds more like you just need peer to peer company which yeah, big city could probably give you that. But again, it's still very hard.

If you move and you're not in the right headspace, as I have discovered, you're not gonna find any of those things. You have to be in a place that makes you happy with circumstances that make you happy, because just being there alone isn't enough. I think that is such good advice. Look, living in a big city is not a foolproof way of finding a romantic relationship.

I mean, I live in London, lots of my friends are single, and they feel like this is the fucking trenches. They are not necessarily having a great time. Similarly, I know people who've made the move from London to smaller towns and they found fulfillment and company and love and all these other things because they're in a happier place. For me, the decision of stick or twist, right? Where you are in your hometown or moving to a big city. It's about where do you feel most yourself? Where do you feel most yourself? Where do you feel like the best version of yourself? Because that's the thing which draws people to you.

And maybe you've got to do different things. You know, maybe if you're in a smaller town, it's about being, you know, seeking out certain spaces in a way which would be different from living in a city. But don't forget that living in the city, one of the things so many people complain about is feeling alone in a crowd and feeling completely anonymous and disconnected from others. Which I love. Which I love. I'm like, oh my god, anonymity. Exactly. If you like anonymity, you love London. If you don't like it, you won't love it. 100%. I think that you are not gonna find

the kind of relationship that you're after until you learn to accept yourself. And the way in which you've put this together just screams of a lack of self-acceptance. You're happy and you're second guessing yourself about your own happiness, about your sense of belonging and where you should be. Maybe you won't wanna live with your family forever

and that's fine. Maybe what you'll do is you'll save up, you'll find a place of your own, maybe it'll be in your hometown, maybe it'll be somewhere else. But that is a choice that should be made because you think it's going to make you happier and that is a vision of life that you want rather than it is a solution or a way out of what you perceive to be your own failure. Yeah. That was great. Next dilemma.

Next dilemma. I feel so heartless being like next dilemma immediately, but unfortunately it has to be done. It must be done. Right. Ready? Hi, Ash and Moira. Love the podcast.

Only recently discovered, but I've already listened to about half the episodes. I'm struggling quite a lot with insecurities at the moment and feel like I'm relying on men for my self-esteem. I've had a couple of relationships, one lasting a few years. We broke up last year. I broke up with him. Had to get that in. I recently found out he has a new girlfriend. Before we were together, he was always the type of person who had situations with people, which is something I've never had and always felt a bit jealous of. Sweetie, why?

My best friend is gorgeous. She can walk into a bar and within a minute someone will have asked for her number. She recently became single and already has so many little things with people, has been asked out and is now properly seeing someone. After not having much luck, naturally, I got on hinge and went on a date. I slept with this guy a few times and it was nice vibes, but he's basically just ghosted me. At the moment, I definitely don't want a relationship, but I want to be having fun with people, maybe to just get some attention. I feel envious of my friends and my ex who seem to do it so easily, but I'm really struggling with feeling so insecure. Every time I pass them on marginally hot in the street,

I find myself thinking, oh, I wonder if they me, or fantasising about them asking for my number. I'm really not enjoying feeling like this. I'm not sure what to do because I feel like Hinge often fills the hole temporarily, but it makes me feel worse. I also feel like I can't talk to my best friend about it. For context, I'm a straight woman in my mid-20s. I'm decent looking and work out, so I don't feel like there's much that I can do to work on my appearance. It's probably more internal. I'm also very fun and bubbly. When I'm decent looking and work out so I don't feel like there's much that I can do to work on my appearance. It's probably more internal. I'm also very fun and bubbly. When I'm in a good headspace I'm a bit of a catch.

But it doesn't help that so many women are gorgeous these days, like bodies and faces chiseled by the gods. I feel like I'm constantly comparing myself and feeling envious. I'm not sure what to do because I hate feeling crap all the time. Please help. Also, I recently stopped therapy because I couldn't afford it so that's not an option. Thanks for your time. Love the podcast and you both Let me tell you something about source because when you put yourself in a situation or a

circumstance which plays to your strength, your source will be irresistible to people. And I'm saying this as somebody who has often compared themselves to other women, whether it's my friends or just random people that I see, and find all these ways in which I come up lacking, particularly because of appearance. And then I carry that self-loathing and that doubt and that lack of belief everywhere with me like a backpack. And I am therefore sourceless because all of the things which are really great about me don't get a chance to shine because I'm interpreting myself and carrying myself

through this lens of being less than. And something which has kind of been like a bit of a realization for me recently, because by the time this comes out, it will no longer be the case. But my partner's been away for six weeks on a really, really big adventure, along with my housemate and another one of his friends.

And they've been having a great time. And I think maybe before that, I was feeling like really quite body dysmorphic. And it was because of just all the abuse that I've been getting. And I was feeling like, oh, I am now no longer an attractive woman, right? Like maybe that time in my life has passed. And then because actually, my primary means of getting validation and reassurance was no longer here all the time, I had to develop my own resources for it. And because I was seeking out more of my social calories outside the house because no one here with me, I was putting myself in situations where the things which I really

value about myself, which is like gregarious, funny, a bit of a geezer, as you've said, Moira, like a bit laddy, a bit boisterous, all these things I then found were like drawing people to me, like really drawing people to me to the point that something which like very rarely happens outside of, you know, the context of street harassment, like I had someone like coming up, people coming up to me on the street to be like, wow. And I was like, what the fuck? Like this is the only difference here. It's not how I look, it's how I'm holding myself is the energy I'm putting into the world. So that's the thing about source is that source is a

reflection of what kind of feedback loops you're stimulating. Put yourself in situations which you feel are playing to your strengths. You're going to feel better about yourself. It's going to draw people to you. It's a virtuous cycle. Trust me. The second thing, and I'm going to tell you this because you're in your 20s and it's a really, really, really, really good time to learn this.

And I'm saying this with love, is that right now, you sound like you're very passive in your own life and you're waiting to be found. And if you have that attitude, trust me, it has nothing to do with how you look. There's somebody specific that I'm thinking of who's not one of my closest friends or anything like that. But let's just say she rolled the dice of conventional attractiveness and she won, right? She like, you know, everything you think of when you think about who's the kind of woman that people come up to in a bar, she's that woman. And she really, really struggles to find the kind of love that she wants. And part of why that is, is because she is scared of rejection, she is scared of being found lacking in, you know, so many ways.

And so she's waiting to be chosen. And she's sitting there in herself waiting for someone to come and find her. And it's gone on for so long, she's no longer in her mid-twenties, it's now, you know, a decade on from that. And she's feeling really frightened, really frightened by what her life looks like. And she's got everything going for her, right? She's accomplished, she's clever, she's funny.

And like I said, when it comes to conventional attractiveness, she's fucking one. And I think the thing which is getting in her way is the way in which she thinks about love and is the way in which she's so passive in it. I'm not the most conventionally attractive girl in the world, right? I never have been, I never will be. But part of the reason why I've found the partner and the love that I have where he is such a partner to me in every way is because when we met,

I had this self belief in what I wanted. I was like, I want love, I'm deserving of love, I'm really funny, I've got a fantastic ass. And it meant that this guy who, if he wanted to, like he could find someone who's way more conventionally attractive than me. Like he could find someone who's like model, gorgeous, super thin, really tall,

rare, rare, rare, symmetrical face. He could if he wanted to. But he chose an otter with chubby cheeks because I believed in myself and I back myself. You are also very hot Ash. I agree that men often get to, because there's such a dearth of good men, they can literally have like Bella Hadid lookalikes if they want. When they really, when it's so funny, because it's like there's so many gorgeous women out there

who I'm like, wow, we should really be cleaning up. Hey, we should be cleaning up. Every man I know who's had a breakup this year, within two weeks, I would say, they were already shagging someone else. And most of them are now have got partners again after like a month. And that is not, by the way, just on the X thing,

that is not an indictment of you. That does not mean that they loved you any less. That does not say that, you know, you haven't moved on fast enough. In fact, it is them refusing to leave a space because they cannot be alone with their emotions and they don't have anywhere else to put their emotions other than a romantic partner.

That's what that is. And I really believe that rebounds are such an albatross around the straight man's neck. I mean, I know women have rebounds too, but the way that men do rebounds is crazy because they leave no break and they just roll all the pain and hurt and baggage from their last relationship

onto this new one, which starts off, they'll always start off amazingly because they're like, this isn't my ex, yay. And then within a year, it will go very, very sour. And I think that that is such, like it is such a disservice because it's not like the person they've met isn't someone they couldn't have a connection with.

The connection is often very special, but by having them as a rebound and just rushing into it, you've absolutely torpedoed what that could be. And I don't think that men think about this. Like I had a friend who, she did it very differently. When she broke up with someone, she met someone immediately she had a connection with and she was like, we cannot be in a relationship yet. Like, let's see each other very slowly, but I'm not committing to anything yet because I literally just had this big breakup. And they saw each other like a bit on and off for a year

before she was like, let's make this a real thing. She was like, I need to process my emotions. Like, men don't do, straight men don't do that. They roll in immediately and then they're like, why do I, why have all my problems from the last relationship follow me into this one? Cause I'm a person. They're like, run it again.

Rewind. Anyway, sorry. Back to this issue. So, so, so, when you said the chosen thing, I had written down, you want some, I was like, no one can choose you enough if you're not choosing yourself. Like there is no one in this world

who will be able to choose you enough. And I have a lot of friends who think the same way as you. I also truly believe that women who date men often go like one of two ways. They end up like me one way, which is where we're so scared of giving a man the power to decide our self-esteem that we sort of cut ourselves off from that altogether,

go completely shut down, such a fear of like what rejection will do to us, we won't even consider letting a man near us. Or you go the other way where you're constantly cutting after having male validation. Yeah, the attitude is I'll be whoever you want me to be, just choose me. Yeah, just choose me.

And it's really interesting to watch because I think both these attitudes come from like the same place, which is obviously like, I want someone to love me for me and see me, but they're very different approaches. And often that's due to backgrounds growing up, whatever. I find often if you're a member of the Deadbeat Dad Club, you're more likely to be like,

I will never let a man have power over my feelings, even though obviously that is them having loads of power of your feelings just in a really, really twisted way. Anyway, so when you are cutting around comparing all the time, I totally get that. I have a thing that I'm going to write about soon, which is called the cue. And it's the imaginary cue of women I see when I look at a man I'm attracted to. And I see a queue of women behind him. And all of them are more beautiful than me, smarter than me, funnier than me softer than me. And I just go, not even gonna go there. I'm gonna go there. I was at a

party really recently. I mentioned the intro. And there was a guy there. And I found out someone that I know and love had like talked and I thought was hot. And I was like, Oh, interesting. And I found out someone that like I know and love had just even spoken. I was like, No, I'm out. I'm out. Not even going there. Not even touching not going near and they were like, what are you talking about like, I was like, no, I will not be compared. I will not be compared.

That is mental. But what you have- It's so mental. You need a little bit more of like, the sign can't stop me because I can't read. But what you have is what my other friend has, which is she'll go in and she'll see all the other women and she'll be like, I need to be chosen

and then she'll think she's putting herself in a place where she might be chosen. But actually, what she's doing is not that but still needing it so badly that when she isn't picked by some dusty ass man who isn't even aware that she's vying for being picked, she's like, I want to die. Like my like, like, why does no one love me? Why does no one choose me? Why is it never me? You need to, I'm afraid to say, do DIY therapy. You need to CBT yourself. Every time you're thinking, why is it never me? I need to arrest that thought and flip it around to something else,

which is like, no, that is, in the words of Jessa, Jemima Kirk, thinking about myself too much, it is not that it is never me. A lot of other women are in this position. Why am I thinking about them picking me? Why is it not the other way around? Why is it never, like, what do I actually want? You say you don't want a relationship,

so what are we talking about being chosen for here? Like, you say you just want, like, casual sex. If you really just want a casual sex, you'd just be having the casual sex and be moving on, so it's more than that. It's deeper than that. You need to be, like, looking at, Like you say you just want like casual sex. If you really just want a casual sex, you'd just be having the casual sex and be moving on. So it's more than that. It's deeper than that. You need to be like looking at

what does this with attention if I actually got it, give me and think through all of these different stages. Would it make me happier? Or would it be a short-term dopamine hit that would go away and immediately need more, more, more? Because until you really, and I'm sorry to say, like yourself, I mean, you don't even have to love yourself, but it really would help. I know it was like, love yourself, love yourself,

accept yourself, accept that you are enough, that there is always going to be someone out there who is somewhere prettier than you, somewhere smarter than you. All of these things, that doesn't make you less of a person, that doesn't make you less valuable, that doesn't make you less loved. And it means you have to accept and love yourself. And when that starts happening, then you start getting the self respect to say, I do not need to be chosen. I do not need to be validated in this way. Also don't psych yourself out.

Like don't psych yourself out. And like, okay, so like here's a story that I've never told before, which is- Exclusive. Exclusive, extra, extra, read all about it. Ash is oversharing. In that very, very early stage of like me and my partner being interested in each other and it's that bit where you're, you know, when you're like trying

to make sure that you're both in the same place at the same time, that kind of thing, there was someone else who was interested in him, who I think that like a couple of months before, they may have even had some kind of smooch or canoodle. And this person, like, I mean, she rolled the dice of conventional attractiveness and won, right? Like, you know. It's a great phrase you've come up with. Yeah, I mean, because I think it also speaks to like the arbitrariness of it. And, you know, I think we do have to acknowledge how these things are rewarded and treated in society rather than just denying it exists.

But also, like, it's not the only form of attractiveness that's out there. It's one form of attractiveness. And you know, if we were, if we were, say, like, on the apps or something, like, I may have never even have been allowed to see him because of how it like categorizes people, right? That gel is crazy. Like way up there. And I wasn't waiting for him to choose me. I wasn't waiting for him to sort of like turn his eyes away from this gazelle and notice that I was there. I fucking planted my feet and was like, all right, you, me, we're going home together. Like, and I maybe, I don't always feel that confident,

right, I didn't feel that confident when I was like in my earlier twenties. And, you know, we go through peaks and troughs with this stuff. But the reason why I behaved in that way and why I behaved with such self-belief was because of some advice that my best friend gave me just a few months before. So about six months before I was at like a bit of a low air, but I was like really struggling with my self-esteem. I had been dumped by someone who should never have had

the right to dump me in the first place. And I felt like I'd been left with nothing. I felt like I'd poured everything into this guy to try and convince him to choose me and he didn't. And she told me, because I was just like, well, I just shouldn't have ever, you know, I just shouldn't put myself out there, you know, I shouldn't put myself out there.

And she was like, no, actually what you should do is pursue the thing you really want, which is love, and take it seriously and value it. Really, really value it. Because if you do that, and you truly value love, and you truly value the form of fulfillment that you're pursuing, you're actually going

to turn yourself into the chooser. You're not going to wait to be chosen by any Tom, Dick or Harry who, you know, looks your way because this thing, you are treasuring it and it is precious to you. You are going to both move in that direction, but also protect it from people who are unworthy. And it was such good advice because it didn't come from this place of just want love less. It was like, no, you want it, that's fine, that's great. It's a beautiful thing to want love

and to move towards love. But it took me out of this sort of passivity, the sort of like, you know, the way in which you can flip between like making yourself completely abject and being really, really avoidant. And so that gave me the confidence to plant my feet and be like, A, you, tall motherfucker with the nice hair, get in the van.

I've seen this happen so much though. I've seen this happen so much recently because one of the, I guess one of the benefits of being friends with me is that because I'm mental, I am very like, you have to choose yourself. You have to choose yourself. So a lot of friends recently, we've gone through this whole process of watching them slowly be like, actually, this person whose attention I was cutting after is treating me badly. And I need to cut this off. Like I need to say, this is not how I want to be treated. And some of my friends have taken such huge steps in choosing themselves, which means filtering out the things that they actually don't want and pretending they want like maybe casual connections

that are not serving them very well, because they're like, actually, I want a loving relationship and I'm not gonna get that by, as you say, just waiting to be chosen all the time. And also just letting anyone into that space because anyone could be a chooser. That's not how it works. You have to be, as Ash says,

when you're active in your own life, when you have the agency in your own love life, then these other things start to flow from it, where you get that self-confidence back, because it just sounds like you are at low air, but that's why you're comparing yourself to every person out there. But again, it's ongoing.

A gazelle has no chance against a geezer. No chance. I feel a little more like a panther. I feel like a panther. You look like a panther at all. You are very panther-esque. You can pounce when you want to, but then you can also be like very like kitten-esque, you know? Just me and my bowl of yarn. Alright, let's move on.

Okay. Hi both. Love your work. Honestly, the only pod that I never tire of listening to. I'm in big trouble. I live with a fucking pig. We've just been talking about the animal kingdom, so I thought this was a good transition. He's not a bad person, but he is a slovenly pig. I'm 31. I live in a house share with three other people, all of them in their late thirties, except me. We live in a stunning house up north,

Stonin, which the other three housemates who aren't me co-own. I have a chance to buy into the mortgage and still have some of the cheapest overheads compared to the average in my city. It should be a pretty sweet deal. The problem is Pig. I have some sympathy. His ADHD makes him forgetful and cluttered, but that isn't an excuse for being a slob. Pig has been a good friend to me over the years, but his messiness, disregard for basic hygiene and alcoholism is proving a bit much now after a couple of years of shared living. He goes days without showering, never walks his dog, leaves food in crusted plates and half-eaten kebabs all over our dining table, which doubles as his station for his work-from-home

tech job, and will get drunk multiple times a week and trap me into listening to long self-aggrandizing monologues, which I can only describe as then everyone clapped stories. We've spoken before about it and it doesn't seem to be trending towards better. The problem is I'm due to sign onto the mortgage in September and I'm now unsure. Not signing would be a bad financial decision and probably means they would have to all sell up.

But I don't know if that would be signing myself up to go mad, please help. P. PS. Moja, you're way too hard on yourself, mate. You're such a good egg and inspiring human being, but you seem to put yourself down all the time on the pod. Chin up, our kid. Hope that didn't come across as condescending. Oh, that's so not- Special one, you're so right. I'm really crying at that.

Moja needed to hear that special one. No, special one, you made me cry, sorry. That's very kind. It didn't come across as concerning. I was actually thinking that you were very funny. And then everyone clapped. She want to come and live with me? Special one.

No, you'd hate London. Thoughts on this? Maybe Ash, you should start with this one because I'm still kind of processing my exact reaction but I'm like, the alcoholism has got me. The alcoholism has got me. I think before you sign up, you have to have a really frank conversation

with Pig and the other housemates because you aren't just being someone who's getting a good deal, right? This is a real long-term commitment and you have in all ways an equal share in how this house is run. And I think that you have to say, look, this is great in all sorts of ways,

but I can't live like this. I'm 31 now, I'm not a student, but I can't live like this. I'm 31 now, I'm not a student, I don't want to live like this. Housemates can be annoying, that's fine. And maybe getting Pig to deal with his alcoholism is going to be a bit of a stretch, but I think getting Pig to take some responsibility. Sure, it might ADHD, which makes him behave in this way. But maybe there are other ways he can take more responsibility, like paying for a cleaner himself. Like if he's the dirtiest one, maybe he contributes to it and takes responsibility for it paying for a dog walker, that kind of thing. I think that you are right to be worried about signing yourself up to go mad. And where I would fall on it is that it's not worth the aggro and the agita of living with somebody

who you are going to grow to despise and resent, and that resent is going to curdle within you and ferment and make you all weird. The finances of signing onto a mortgage isn't worth that experience because I guarantee it means that the housing arrangement will fall apart, maybe in a way which would leave you worse off in the long term. Like, I don't know if there's like a deposit or like interest type situation, but it may well mean that you lose out on money if you find yourself having to make a quick exit. What do you reckon?

I think the same as you, I think there's too many elements here that are already standing out as incompatible. And one thing I have learned from many housing situations is that when you feel in your gut, you are incompatible with someone else's living standards, style, et cetera, you should cut your losses and go because the money is not worth the mental impact.

Like you might save a few hundred quid. I promise you, you will be thinking every month about, you know, what if I love someone else? What if I did this? What if I did that? What if I and that getting rid of that noise by just moving somewhere else changes everything. I have somewhere much cheaper before moving back to London, but the turned out, you know, not the right living situation. And I don't even notice the difference in cost, even though it definitely is there, just because the mental load is

so much lighter now. It's like the analogy I would make, if you have the cash ability to like go up, you know, it costs a couple of hundred more. I get it, it's annoying, fine. If you have to stay there, I also understand. But from your letter, it sounds like you have options. But the analogy I would use is, when you're going on holiday

and you get that 5 a.m. flight to save like 25 quid, and you realize it means you've got to get up at 3 a.m. and you've got to get there and you get you know you get to your destination like I can't even enjoy this for the first day because I feel so terrible always get the fucking 11 a.m. flight always get it the amount you save is not worth the way you feel is my advice here. I would say as well, because you've mentioned alcoholism. I don't know, I don't know how if that's already bothering you, I don't think you should live with

this person. I can't live with people who drink every day. I know that about myself, it is because of certain things in my life, like if I can't live with an alcoholic, I've got friends with very different drinking habits to me, I would never live with them, just because I know how much it would set me off. And you can't fix an alcoholic. You can't change them until they're ready to like get better on their own. So a lot of the behaviours you've described probably actually do stem from the drinking every day. If you've mentioned the alcoholism to me, it's less about the ADHD,

it's more the impact of like constant hangovers and the eating habits that happen when you're constantly hung over and the standards you set for yourself when you're constantly drunk or hung over. Those are very different. And if you are someone who knows they can't live with an alcoholic,

don't live with an alcoholic because it's not gonna get better and you can't guarantee it's gonna get better. You just have to like step away. And if you wanna preserve the friendship with the others as well, you just have to talk to them and tell them these things. And maybe, obviously you don't,

I don't think it's worth saying to Pig, it's cause you're an alcoholic and all this and that, but it's worth saying to others, this is the reason why. And then just gently saying to Pig, I'm not gonna live together. But I, if it was just they were Slovenia or wherever, then I'd be like, let's talk about cleaner. But I think the alcoholism for me,

but this is obviously projecting a little bit, it would be a complete, I can't live with this person and that's okay. Doesn't mean they're evil, it means they're unwell and they have a sickness, but it also doesn't mean I'm evil. I just can't live like this. I mean, just one last thing is that you said that this particular housemate has been a good friend to you. I think that no matter what your choice is, you have to have a direct conversation about it.

And actually, if you do have this relationship and this bond, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world either. Like, stay or go, you're going to have to say the real reasons behind your decision. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Maybe you're right. I think the alcoholism for me is the thing I get stuck on, but that's also because I have a huge thing about alcoholism and saving, but.

Alanantes. Oh, one of those laughs where it's like, that's not funny. Actually one of my terrible, terrible, terrible like powers that's so useless now is I can spot someone who has problems with alcohol and isn't just like a big drinker at 20 paces. And it's actually, I just text my friend and be like, pegged, pegged, pegged, pegged. She's like, why are you doing this? And I'm like, well, you know why. You know why.

You're like my mom, she does that except with mental health issues from years of social work. So we'll be like driving in her car and she'll be like schizophrenic. And I'm like, why you can't do that? I'm like, I can and I will. She's like, I can and I will. What do you want me to do?

I will and I'm compelled to until I go and sort out my own issues, you know, like, it's just the thing. It's not happening. I mean, she's retired now, but you can never really retire from being a social worker. And I always say, like, you can take the girl out the local authority, but you can't take the local authority out of the girl. Very true. Do we have time for another dilemma? I think we may have to wrap up here.

Let's wrap up. Sorry, guys. We'll come back to the other ones in another episode, I promise. Can I just say I love Dilemmas so much. It's my favorite bit of the show, I think. It makes me feel really close to you guys. And I think that it's also made me a tiny bit less neurotic in my own life. I'm not saying that that means I'm no longer neurotic, but I'm just saying like a bit less.

It's... I love the Dilem... I do love the dilemmas I think. It's good to know that everyone's got the same problems. Everyone's got the same problems. There's only, who was it who said that the agony art thing where there's only like five basic problems that everyone has and just like everything else on top is just like a bit of a flavor of it. Like just a bit of flavoring and seasoning. Everything comes out with like five basic problems. That's why I liked the boy racers one. So I was like, this is new.

This year I was like, brand new problem, okay. Sixth genre. Car, car trouble. We've got like love, family, housing, and then it's just car. Maybe we should have a special segment which is like pop the bonnet. Pop the bonnet which would be hilarious

because neither of us can drive. Neither of us can drive. If you guys would like to support our driving fund by the way, I believe Navarro Media which this podcast is part of and is the only way to get me paid is currently doing a drive for more supporters. We would really, really like 1000 new monthly supporters. So if you could go to navaramedia.com support, I would be forever in

your debt. And remember the supporter thing, even if you're not like a big main Navarra stuff, you're supporting if I speak. This is the only way to support if I speak at this point in time and I would love you to support if I speak because I want to keep doing the show. If we get a thousand supporters, Moya will show feet and that is a good thing. No you actually don't want to see my feet. Guys, the feet is not in a good place. I have to go and get the trot shaved very soon because I get lots of dry skin and I'm not gonna lie like I've had problems with the whole yellow nail thing like I'm always on that fucking fungal pen. I don't have great feet. I'm just gonna be so for real with you.

They're small and cute but they're like they need a lot of maintenance. I'd show feet anytime but they're gross. All right this has been If I Feet. Bye! Bye!