If I Speak - 79: Help! I’ve moved back home and now my mum hates me

Episode Date: September 9, 2025

*Check out the official If I Speak tote bag on shop.novaramedia.com* Moya and Ash tackle your dilemmas, featuring a middle-class mum who’s become distant and critical, an ex-boyfriend who’s blowing hot and cold, a looming holiday with an abuser, a single man wondering where all the single women are hiding, and a twenty-something struggling to […]

Oh, my neck, my back. Don't look my post on my heart attack. Yeah, the song of the post-30-year-old. oh I'm in pain I still need to use a massage that my friend's got me from my birth to like two years ago and I still haven't cashed it in

about 15 minute walk away from me is this like Thai massage place and so I got a massage which was not a full on Thai massage where it's dry and they sort of like wrestle you and then you feel amazing it was like with the oils and stuff but like she was really getting in there

and she was doing this incredible move where she was using the heel of her hand like under my scapula to like get at the knot and it was so painful and I could feel like you know when you see a nervous dog and their leg is just like hammering the ground like my leg was just going like what but it felt incredible afterwards so good I'm worried that the level of release will be so much I like might shit myself there's so much tension to this body that the pain levels will be like I'll just shit myself everywhere just defecate just defecate if I was dying.

That was a cold open, guys. Welcome to If I Speak. Welcome to If I Speak with me, more alone than a plane and my co-pilot. Ash Sarka, yet to ship myself live on air, but perhaps today's the day. I verbally shab myself live on air loads, but I haven't physically done it. I don't think I've ever actually shacked myself, apart from when I was obviously a child. No, not since I was a baby. but you know there's this time for everything can't wait for that to happen

soon come there's time soon come there's time it'll come for all of us is what I understand okay I've got questions for you yeah you have wait let me just tell the listeners by the way we're doing a special today it's a dilemma special just so you know up top because I know you're going to gag for it so we're doing a dilemma special you little pigies listen you little pigs in your trough of dilemmas you love it other people's problems let's go crazy Brother, may I have some advice No, okay, right, right, right, questions

Okay, question one Favorite citrus fruit Lemon, lemon Lemon all day long, are you kidding I like a lime but lemons are more durable Lemong pie Lemon curd, lemon is a smell Lemon is my number one

I just think it's so it's because it's for everything that you want lemon rind you want lemon in your cooking you want to smell about lemony it's in fucking cleaning products everything else like I don't want to always taste grapefruit

if you add grapefruit to everything it's not going to taste good if you had lemon to everything there's all acid salt I love a lemon but when I was in Mexico I was using bitter orange

and using it the way that I would use a lemon or a lime and I loved it you're elevated I loved it you're elevated okay if you could only use makeup on one bit of your face what are you choosing eyes lips or cheeks or some secret other thing which i haven't considered it's cheeks easy um i i i that question is off like often answered by my daily makeup so if i had like

the order of importance is cheeks first because i need a bit of color to bring out, to make me look slightly flushed and just alive. Otherwise, I'm just one flat plain of not colour. And then I think the importance goes, eyes, I'd need an enhancer, and then lips, because that could also make me a colourless. But if I had to only do one, it would be the cheeks. There was a really weird comment left on YouTube for an interview that I did, and I can't remember what it was.

And it was basically someone saying that I was untrustworthy as a journey, because I'd use blusher to simulate the flush of an orgasm. And I was like, Jesus, what in the misogyny? People will find any way to call you hot nowadays and be like, people will find the most contorted ways to be like, I'm sexually attracted to you and I am thinking about having sex. I'm thinking about sex right now. I'm thinking about orgasms.

Let me tell you this commenter. If you're saying stuff like, this woman has used blush to simulate an orgasm and nobody having an orgasm with you I can tell you straight up I know that for a fact it was one of those ones when I read it it was like that was such a frightening insight into this person's mind and I just want to close that

close that with me in bed looking over at my paramour going is that blush simulating an orgasm or did you actually come are you trying to fool me right now or did you actually come or did you actually did you actually And I've got a final question. There's two parts to it. Cool.

Are you somebody who experiences a sense of existential dread? And if so, how do you move through it? Existential dread different from other forms of dread. It has to be about your smallness in the universe or the temporariness of all things or, you know, that kind of. No, I experience a sense of existential excitement at the smallness that I have in the universe. I have the opposite. It's so exciting to me that I'm such a tiny little cog in such a big world and that I get to move around this world and I'll come in to contact with some other cogs

and that the world's my oyster and that may be out there, you know, I go out there and you never know which cogs you're going to meet. There's no dread. I don't need to be the big man of history. I'm quite happy being this morning like, oh, isn't it a gift to be alive? Isn't it amazing to stand on a roof and look out over the sky and I don't think nobody knows that I'm doing this or that I'm here right now and looking at this thing and thinking this thing at this exact moment

and so many other people as well doing the exact same thing and I'll never know them but God maybe I will oh it's great I feel the same way I get existential excitement but my partner gets real existential dread

like the idea that he is one day going to die fucks with his shit so much and we were talking about it the weekend and it was a really I was well placed to like help him move through it because I could be somebody who sits outside it and doesn't experience that sense of dread and being out, there's this way of looking at it

and there's this way of looking at it and then, you know, what about thinking about something in this way and like, you know, this is your cross to bear or bear to cross, like this is the thing that you have to struggle with. But yeah, no, the idea that like one day I'm going to die that I'm really small in the universe,

doesn't freak me at all. No, I think the thing you have to do, if you get excellent stretch, you have to sort of retrain and be like, okay, that is going to happen. So what am I going to do with this one gorgeous life? You know, that's my phrase. We have one gorgeous life.

What are you going to do with it? I'm going to hit you with such a cliche right now. Let's go. Such a cliche. But genuinely, genuinely, my partner found this helpful because he'd never heard it before. So it's like, I've got a friend who's never watched The Simpsons. So whenever I quote The Simpsons, she thinks I'm the funniest person who's ever lived. And I hate to disabuse her of this notion.

I have to be like, it's actually from The Simpsons. So he'd never heard this before. But it's, you know, the serenity prayer? and I think they use it a lot in 12-step. Are you kidding? I just write a substack where I quote the serenity prayer at length. No. It came out the day of our recording.

Oops, sorry, listeners. And it's all about God grant me the, you know, grab me the serenity to accept things I can't change and the wisdom to all that can. But there's two more parts to it. God grant me the strength to change the things I can't accept, the serenity to accept the things I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference. Yes, there is several parts of the serenity prayer. Yeah, I did actually.

just quote that because it's something that plays on my mind quite a lot but that's for dark reasons so so but yes that is a great thing to quote that is a great thing to quote and I also think it sums up the the task of being a revolutionary very very well the strength to change the things you can't accept and the serenity to accept the things you can't change contradiction dialectics baby um should we move on yes we've got okay so shall we do some dilemmas. Let's do it. How do people submit dilemmas if they've got dilemmas though?

Oh, don't fucking submit any more dilemmas. We're fed up, no. No! No, we love your problems. I read them every evening. I read them every evening to think about them deeply. So we do have every single one of your problems. And in this episode, this is why we're doing this episode,

because we've got a big backlog of problems. Summer's coming to a close. we'd like to clear through some of them so we make rooms for new ones. So if you'd like to submit a dilemma, send it to If I Speak at Navaramedia.com. That is if I speak at navaramedia.com. Ash, do you want to read the first dilemma out?

I thought you'd never ask. Okay. Firstly, love you both. You make me laugh so much and hearing your convo's actually gives me energy to the extent that I donate to Navar as thanks for your podcast. Thank you very, very much.

we appreciate every penny. My dilemma is for a friend, suspicious, but it actually is, ha ha, who was going through a tough time. She wasn't sure you could respond in time, but gave me permission to message and give it a go. Two months ago, her boyfriend of nine years dumped her. They met at uni and were living in A country for four years until he forced them to come to the UK to focus on the rest. I put in the A country because this person was very specific and I was like you're being a bit too specific. They met uni We're living in a country

For four years until he forced them to come to the UK To focus on career stuff At the time she didn't want to They've been miserable for the past two years Living in London and shitty jobs With expensive rent and were planning back We're planning to move back to a country This September

Until he decided to break up with her He said that He said that this other country Was the time of their life but this was real life and it didn't work and also he needed a single period after being together all their 20s she said are you sure you don't love me or is it because we're unhappy in our circumstances and should live apart or move abroad or date more to bring back the spark she agreed the real life was shit but thought they'd been aligned on making real life look however they

wanted like living abroad it was adamant he did not love her romantically anymore and had been feeling that way for six months if not years and did not want to try anything he was sorry to have not mentioned his doubt sooner, but said he was worried it could have caused a more confusing and drawn-out breakup. She was in total turmoil, but at least he was about to end, and she doesn't have a family base to get support or at least put her belongings. She had to either find a new place, ASAP, or quit her job, sell her stuff and go travelling. She set on quitting everything and going travelling by herself with hope to eventually move to a different, very exciting country. They went to a festival two weeks ago and now he wants to get back together. He said

he'd had a complete mindset shift and snapped out of it at the festival. He said he'd been having some sort of breakdown before, but what is the point in throwing it all away when they get on so well together and like the same things? He said the issues in their relationship are probably from living together for too long and wanted to try living apart. She said, fuck no, I'm not waiting around for you to decide. I still want to travel. And also, why didn't you realize this before when I told you all of this when you broke up with me? She also asked him about the single period that he was so sure he wanted, as he shouldn't push that down the line if he knows he wants that. he was still adamant and says

he wants to go travelling with her and then move somewhere abroad together. What should she make of this 360 change? Is it classic ex-behaviour that he was seeing her doing better so now he fucks with her? Is he scared of being alone? Or has he genuinely been in some sort of depression or breakdown this past year

and now understands the points she was making all along? She doesn't want to make the same mistake of making decisions based around him like when she previously left the country they lived together in. But she also loves him and never wanted to break up in the first place. Logistics are pushing her to leave. What should she

say to him? Lots of love. Friend of a confused queen. She should say, get to fuck. Get to fuck. It's done. Sorry, that was harsh, but do you remember what we said the other week about festival romances? The same

is true of festival reconciliations. They don't exist in the real world. Why is he waiting until a festival, which is essentially a holiday, to decide that he'd been wrong this whole time. He's so adamant about the rest being real life. Listen to what he has said. When things are bad, if somebody leaves then, you can't just expect them when it comes back for things are good, not to leave again when things are bad. She is getting on with her life. I need, there is not much to say here other than nothing about this man says he compromises for a

relationship or wants to build something together. It's all on his terms. She's starting to build a life outside of him. I do think you should both be single for a while in your 20s. He kind of ate there. You need to get out. Leave him at the festival. leave him at the fucking festival. He kind of ate there. That's a, boy, I love you so much sometimes. I could just listen to you. I could just listen to you forever.

I, look, I agree, but I guess I think I agree for slightly different reasons. I think it is possible for people to be together for a really long time, from uni for 10 years, reach a crisis point, break up, and then get back together, and it go really, really well. There's a particular couple who are in my life and I'm very close to you, and they went through this process. You know, they were together for about 10 years. They hit a crisis point.

They tried being apart. It didn't work. They were both just so wounded by it and so, it was so obvious that their lives were worse without each other in it. And that, you know, now they're together and they live together and they're married and it's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. So I think it can happen and I'm open to that as a possibility. But what it really takes, I think, is an ability to look at your life and go, what kind of life do I want to. to lead. What kind of life do I want to be able to make with you? And it doesn't sound to me, particularly if he's had this change of heart at a festival, that he's done this thinking or that

this couple, you know, your friend and him have been able to talk about that and sit, you know, sit with it and really work that stuff through. It feels that both of them in different ways are coming from a place of panic. So he's coming from a place of panic. So he's like, oh my God, have I made a big mistake. She's coming for a place of panic because she's like, bleh, like, you know, I said I wanted to go travelling,

but I don't want to live here and I don't, blah, blah, blah. And that's a really bad place from which to make a decision about being together, I think. So what I think is this. I think that your friend should go travelling.

And I think that your friend should intend to get some real space from this situation, to get some real space from him from the situation understand herself and what she wants from life a bit better and I think he should also get some space from the situation because all of this has happened in quite a short amount of time so two months ago was the dumping

and then the festival was really recent and all these decisions have been made in a really truncated amount of time he needs to get some space from the situation to consider what he really wants and I think after some time and some time of their lives looking really, really different in a real and practical sense, then they can talk about what it is they really want. But right now, I think, is a bad time to do it. A bad time to do it.

Because it sounds to me a bit like they're motivated by panic. They're going to encounter all the same problems and not have the tools to deal with them. I totally agree. Right. Next lemma. Lemma? Oh, no. Next lemma.

dilemma was simply too long for me to say simply too long This is the lemma's show Right I'm in big trouble My mum loves me But she doesn't like me Hi Moy and Ash

Been a listener since day one And your podcasts have really helped me Feel the Silence during what has been A rough and transitional year It's been a real transitional year Special one with you on that I work from home in a boring admin 9 to 5 And listen to a lot of podcasts to fill my day

The day is better It went if I speak has a new release so thank you guys. Anyway, my issue, I'm convinced my mum doesn't like me. I know my mom loves me and always has. She's been a great mother growing up, very maternal, comforting when I'm sad, has done everything to give me the most in life. During my childhood, I never felt unloved, and when I compared my friend's parents, I always thought, God, I'm so lucky. I told my parents this. As I've gotten older, we grew apart. The biggest change was after I went to uni, I really developed my politics there. And the six years since I left,

home, studied, graduated, travelled, and about to study again. I'm very critical and disillusioned with the ambitious, middle-class, privileged neighbourhood I grew up in, and many of the shocking political opinions in my family. My mum has no interest in politics. She would be apolitical if that existed, but instead her politics are decided by whatever her ears happened to pick up, as she mindlessly says Alexa payer LBC for her background noise. Naturally, this shakes me to my cool, but I have been too critical in the past. I've come to understand why she is the way she is and I now approach her with compassion. She isn't reciprocating this and I often feel let down by a strange relationship. I can go on a deep dive, you know, for all the reasons this happened

and why we are both, what we're both like as people, but I need to keep this short and snappy for the pod. So I've recently moved back home and we live together again. It's tense. She's awkward around me, like she doesn't know how to interact with me and doesn't really understand how to approach me. It's giving insufferable misunderstood teenager, which is fine, I guess, but now it's starting to feel more insiduous. She often makes digs to put me down, something which didn't happen to me as a child. She makes fun of my artsy-fartsy interests and rolls her eyes at me when I'm just existing there. She can be quite toxic with me when it comes to my weight and food. I struggle with an ED all my life, and she doesn't

really care to hide triggers to me. She took me to therapy as a team, but now seemingly ignores I still struggle. For instance, she grilled me and asked how she about how she can get an Obsenpic and asked for tips about how I lost weight last summer due to an eating disorder. Clearly, she's got her own problems, I know, but it hurts. I feel like being in her house is a burden to her. If she sits down next to me on the sofa to join me in front of the TV, she'll roll her eyes and pull faces of what I'm watching, calling it weird. I don't do this to her. She's made fun of my outfits and the books I read. She never says I spend, she says I never spend time with her, but when I sit down next to her, she's on her phone scrolling Instagram.

I know I'm also frustrated by her, and I'm trying, and I don't feel like she is. I also, in more context, I have an older sister who is very similar to my mum, and they are best friends. They've gone on holiday together and didn't invite me a few times. I'm probably more like my dad, which wouldn't help. They're still together, but in therapy, so make of that as you will. Anyway, I don't think I've explained the situation very well, and don't want to waste time by listening all the ways I sense she doesn't like me, because that would be long. But the main thing is, I was a very loved child and got along well with my mum as a teen, the older I get.

It's rotting. I know I'm loved, but I'm not liked. What should I do to improve things? How can I do it without changing who I am? Thank you so much, and I hope you do read this, because I will be listening. I'm always listening. X-O-X-O-X-O.

Thank you, special one. Right, Ash. Oh, special one, I can just, I can really feel the pain, like, rolling off of this submission. and I think that it is a really painful thing and quite common to feel loved by a parent but not accepted by them and I think that

it is really common for parents, for moms to struggle to accept their child for who their child is and there are all kinds of reasons for that sometimes it's because that child is a mirror to them and reflect aspects of themselves back to them. Sometimes it's because they feel judged by a child.

You know, on the one hand, you know, almost every parent wants their child to do better than they did, but they can also then feel that as a statement of their own inadequacy, like that's something which I've seen. You know, parents can see, you know, know, the other parent reflected in their child, so, you know, your mum might see your dad reflected in you or vice versa. And I think it's, it's, you know, something you allude to is that, you know, you and your sibling biologically have the same parents. Emotionally and

psychologically, you can have completely different parents. And that's something which, like, I really feel with me and my sister, which is biologically, we have the same mum. Psychologically, we do not have the same mum. And in, in what? ways which are for better and for worse in various different ways. So what I'm saying is that I think that this stuff is really, really common and you're not alone in struggling with it. And I think that, you know, if I'm to guess your age, it sounds like you're like mid-20s-ish, like to be in your mid-20s and living back at home is so, so difficult. It's, I think it's just a difficult thing. And, you know, I wonder if one of the things that both you and your mum are

reflecting back at each other is a sense of judgment and non-acceptance. Because you've listed all the ways in which you feel disliked by your mum. From the things that you talk about, you know, from like shocking political opinions, no interest in politics, being shaken to your call when your mom says Alexa play LBC, I wonder if there are ways in which she feels judged or not accepted or disliked. And I suppose that this would be a challenging question for you, which is when you say, you know, I feel that my mom loves me but doesn't like me. Is there actually something reciprocal about that? You know, is there a part of you which loves your mom but doesn't like her? Because everybody has a need to feel accepted. You know, parents feel

a need to be accepted by their children. And it might be something. yeah it might be something that she's she's struggling with as well you know what you've hinted at is that there may you know there's a distance or a sense of judgment between you know your mom and you but potentially codependence with her and your sister you know so you said oh you know they're like best friends they hang up but they're also in therapy um so you know don't look at it too enviously right that there are problems with the other way of doing things too. So what's my advice?

I think that being in such close proximity is going to make it really, really hard for you to have the kind of open conversation that you need to have with your mum, as it is. Maybe asking if you could be in therapy with your mom or with your mum and your sister. Like, you know, she's clearly open to the idea of doing therapy. That might be something that's helpful.

Maybe it waits till you're able to, move out and you know you can find some neutral territory you can go for dinner you can go for a drink and you can start talking about some of the things that you're feeling um because i don't think this is about you changing um and i think that if you're sort of solo trying to improve things but never actually addressing the dynamic you're never going to be able to change what the dynamic is um and you're going to have to be open to hearing what your mum's perspective is as well um i just My guess is that while you're living together, if it's just you and her trying to talk about it,

you might not have a lot of success. I think waiting till you move out or going into therapy now, where you live together, maybe could be more beneficial. What do you reckon? I don't know. It's really funny.

My mum used to say to me as a kid, she was like, I love you, but I don't like you right now when I was misbehaving, which was probably doing psychic damage. I've not... that I don't know but to this day I think everything you said

was really on it I do wonder if you actually did feel liked as a child though you don't mention it you say you mentioned you felt loved you don't feel light

you say now the separation is between liked and loved I think that you don't feel loved now either because that's the thing you compare it with in childhood it's not the liking

you're comparing it with the loving you're saying I know my mum loves me but you don't feel loved You say she did this in the past. She was very loving in the past. She was this and that. I think you don't feel loved at all right now.

I don't think it's even the liked thing. That's just what I'm getting from the things that you pull out. And I also wonder if some of these things maybe were present much longer than you identified them. Like, you're talking about eating disorder. I don't want to speculate too much on there, but that was something that came in your teen years. And I wonder if there was difficulties there, if a wedge was driven. there that you're not like where did that come from i know that my own experiences was disordered eating some of it's a lot of it starts at home a lot of it starts at home um and i also

think a lot of women have difficult relationships to their mother as they get older because as you get older you become more of a peer rather than their child and that changes the way they relate to you So the things that before, you know, were things you wouldn't have noticed because you were a child or no subconsciously. They become very glaring now that you're versed in adult ways of disdain or competition or just, you know, not jelling. And there's lots of relationships, I think, which mirror you, your mum and your sisters where the sister is closer to the mother, they'll go on holiday.

And you find a way to make it work. Like it's just, it's hard accepting that you have to build your relationship up more than maybe you might have perceived your sibling doing that because your sibling, it's like, oh, they just get on. It's easy for them, they just got on. Like Ash says, you're going to have to make effort to undo the years of sort of like pain and rejection.

Your mother probably felt when you're at university criticizing that, her. And I say this is someone who went to university and got very hardcore and thought I'd go home and preach to everyone about all the things I'd learned and had to realize later that was actually really fucking annoying and wasn't doing my causes any favours nor my family or relationships.

So I think you feel a bit of guilt about that as well and that's playing into this. There's a huge sense of guilt about the way that you went about this and the lack of compassion you had. But when you're a teenager, you aren't very compassionate and when you're just getting into the world for the first time charging around like a bull and you think you know everything. There's not much room for that compassion empathy.

It's only when you get older as an adult. this stuff can be sorted out by just talking about it and saying oh you know sorry about a few years ago I get that I was a bit hard-headed and that might have been a bit annoying and you can you never know you actually might be able to laugh about it but I think what Ash is saying about having those lunches out and making that time is really important and also finding your own space within the house because rubbing up against your other all the time is really long you need to find spaces where you can go out to and have your own time away from each other otherwise it's just long but it is also jarring when you come home and like you realize your parents are just as addicted to their phones as you are

You're not meant to be on your phone You're meant to want to interact with me They don't want to They don't want to They're doing the new NYT games They don't want to talk to you So yeah I think you've got to have a slow process

Of building a relationship up The ways that you push And I think you know that deep down That you pushed her away And that you've got to make up for it somehow And I think you feel bad about that But if you want to change it, you change it That's my advice.

Should we move on? Yes, next one. Okay. Dear Ash Ann Moyer, firstly, I want to say thank you so much for your podcast. I discovered it on a friend's recommendation whilst living abroad, and it brought real comfort to me whilst I was struggling to make new friends. I feel like your advice is so wise,

and you guys honestly feel like older sisters to me. Because of this, I would like to ask for some of your worldly wisdom in regards to my own situation, which feels pretty dire. So here goes. I'm a 21-year-old girl and it just came out of my first relationship

of three years. Things have been really difficult because we were very close as we lived together. I know breaking up was the right thing to do but we're still finding it really hard to be apart and are still in contact

with each other frequently. I know this is a big no-no but I'm working on it. However, my issue isn't the breakup. It's the fact that very recently my ex's best friend tried to sleep with me. For context, me and my ex

are part of a big friendship group which formed during sixth form with the vast majority of them being straight men and very few women. We are an incredibly close group and I would consider them some of my closest friends. It happened on the first group night out

where my ex wasn't present and the way he did it was incredibly uncomfortable for me. I think we should put a trigger warning. I'm putting a trigger warning and having read ahead. You are correct. I ended up sharing a bed with him and another girl and what he did to me was very sexual. For context again, this is normal for my group who have all done many camping holidays together, all sharing tents and beds, etc. There was no flirting

leading up to it, and I didn't anticipate it at all. So it just kind of froze and my drunken half a sleep state. I wasn't scared at the time, just shocked. Now I feel really terrible. Not only because I had completely trusted him as a friend, but because he is also my ex's lifelong best friend. I'm angry at myself that I didn't give more signals to say no, that I didn't stop it at the time. In addition to this, another member of the group was also being quite touchy with me on the same night out. I feel so disappointed because these are some of my closest friends. They have brought me so much joy over the years and I'm just confused as to why they would act like that, especially so soon after the breakup. It's making me question the legitimacy of our group's

friendship over all these years. I'm confused about how he could be consoling me on my breakup and being a good friend, and then the next minute trying to get in my pants. I feel betrayed. It's also making me lose faith in men in general, sorry to male listeners of the podcast. But this and other experiences recently just make me doubt which men aren't just trying to get laid all the time. I truly thought that my friends were not like that, but maybe they are. Heterosexual men just seem to want to have sex at any opportunity. On top of this, we have a two-week holiday booked as a group in six weeks time. I'm the only girl going for the first half of the trip and it's making me nervous as we will all be in close proximity for the duration of the

holiday. I also feel very compelled to tell my ex about this because it feels like such a show of character of his friend, but it would likely cause a huge fallout between them and make the whole group dynamic very difficult. So what do I do about the holiday? A straight man just that terrible? Do I tell my ex? Am I overreacting all the best dedicated listener? Moya, I've really got something and I'm itching. I'm itching. Okay, you can say, but I'm thinking it's quite obvious before we start the listener, what happened to you with sexual assault? Yeah. But Ashley, you can go faster.

So what happened to you was an assault and it was a violation of you. Primarily, it was a violation of you and the trust you had in your friend. Anything to do with him being your ex's best friend and whatever is completely secondary. This is a violation of your bodily integrity. your autonomy and I think that it's so difficult to get your head around this when it happens

like it's really really really difficult and how you make sense of what happened in the initial aftermath and then how you process it months and sometimes years down the line like it evolves and it changes and I'm not telling you how to feel about it I'm telling you what the violation was.

It was a violation of you. And I think that, you know, because the brain finds it so hard to accept and to incorporate what's happened, you're displacing it onto the violation of trust between two male friends. It's not, it's a violation of trust between you and your friend. How it sounds to me,

based on the details that you've given, is that part of the betrayal is realizing that you weren't respected as a person and as a human being. The respect and the restraint was coming from these guys respecting another man's claim on you. You're his girlfriend, so you're off-limits, not you're a human and you're a person with boundaries who has to be treated with respect. and any friendship that you have, but particularly when you're dealing with this dynamic of straight man, straight woman, he has to respect you as a human being. And I'm really lucky, like many, many, many of my closest bone marrow friends are straight men. I feel really good with them. safe with them. I feel really, really seen with them. You know, I've gotten smashed and shared a bed

with them and all the rest of it. And their respect for boundaries comes from a respect of me as a human. It's not because I belong to another man who they know. You know, I've been friends with these men before I had my partner. And like, you know, it's not changed, right? Me having a partner has not changed it. I don't think you should go on this holiday. I think that you should take some time to sort of sit with and process what happened and think about what it is you want to do. You may wish to raise it with the person who violated your trust

and violated your boundaries. You may wish to reach out to other friends for help. you may wish to get a bit of counselling for it and to talk it through and to work it through. But I don't think that you should be in a situation where, you know, there are very, very few women. There are lots of men, right? You know, I think it is important for there to be,

you know, even if there aren't lots of women in every space, like, you know, a lot of the time I'll hang out with majority guys, but within the broader friendship group, you know, there's lots of women and that's important. I think that's got a sort of like balancing, balancing effect. And that changes how I relate to men in groups where I'm in the minority as a woman. But I don't think you should go. I think that you need to think about the difference between friendships with men where you're respected as a human being

and friendships with men where you're protected only so long as a man has a claim on you. I'm really, really sorry that this happened. it wasn't right it was like what happened was was very very wrong yeah sorry i jumped in there but i just felt that one no no no i don't need to i don't think i need to add anything to that i think you have that covered i don't have experience with salt in that manner so i don't think there's a i don't think we need to take it very good i think you said everything next one okay i'll read the next one out and then i'll throw it straight no no no it's it's not about phone it's me i just generally don't have anything to add that would have been useful or helpful to that special

one, I think they'd already have so much they've got to deal with from listening to what you're saying and from the dissonance between the email and what happened to them already. I just don't think I need to add anything. Do you know what I mean? Also, just to say that, like, that dissonance is so common. It's so common. And, like, people wrestle with it for a really, really long time. Yeah. I think, I think it's more than enough food for one of us to like tell them how it is. And just to say it's not it's not all heterosexual men. It really, really isn't.

It really, really isn't. Yeah, the lesbians are out of it too. Okay, next one. Sorry, sorry, I'm not even joking. Like, assault between queer communities is crazy and it's not recognized. And it gets forgiven all the fucking time, and I see it within my friend groups as well.

And we need to stop normalizing that as a thing. It's not normal. Just because it might be two women or two non-binary people does not mean what happened wasn't a violation of boundaries, just because you're in like a fluid sexual situation does not mean what happened is not a violation of you and your person

does not mean you weren't assaulted does not mean you need to you know immediately forgive that tamp it down pretend it didn't happen no it happened okay next question that goes out to people who they know they are right this is a nice quick one this is a lightner

just a bit of a question I'd appreciate hearing your perspectives on basically how do you meet single women in their 30s We're fucking everywhere We're everywhere like a rash Okay, sorry For some context

I'm a someone cis hetish man Not wanna yo Notch yo Sorry I need stop ad living Who's moved to a new city At the start of my 30s Was initially quite isolated

But I spent the last few years Especially post COVID Quite intentionally building up community And I'm now pretty happy Where I sit in a few vaguely overlapping organizing user and literary art scenes which is lovely overall and I'm someone who's learned to be single or whatever

but I do get bored of that and I feel like all the women around my age I meet tend to be in presumably monogamous long-term relationships on the apps but not having all that much success with it so yeah where does one find single or indeed poly women in their 30s also not unrelatedly do you have thoughts on age gaps

yes and all that what's the age at which one has to stop fancying 25 years your thoughts on any of this would be appreciated okay it's it's so funny like um reading this dilemma because i feel like i know so many single women in their 30s going where the men are yeah we are saying that a lot all the time every day so so how is it how is it that single people of all genders in their 30s are struggling to meet one another and that they're finding them surrounded by people who are coupled up because there's enough of you there's enough of you I talk to enough of you what's going on are you asking me this question yeah no what's your

answer to this guy first no no no but this is part of that I think that this is part of right okay my theory is people like this or like me we form strong relationships and connections with like minded people so often you'll be friends with a lot of other like actually I don't know about this guy for me it's that I'm friends with a lot of women who are single and then you just happen to meet couples through the few non-single women or some of the men who tend to join will be introduced because they're in a couple.

If there's a single man, he'll probably just couple up with one of the women. So then you end up with a group of couples and singles. And I think once people get into their lovely little friendship groups, when you get in your 30s, it's hard to break out of them. And if you're not... And when you're out and about, this is something else I've noticed. So friends to me, okay, recently I, as I've talked to a previous one, have been open for business.

And it's crazy how it's like that episode of Scrubs where that I think it's Elizabeth Banks is a guest star. And she takes her fake ring off and suddenly all the men notice that she's there. But I'm the person noticing all the men because I'm open for the first time. Whereas there's women who are like, I go out and I just never meet someone. And they're talking to me and I'm like, you're not actually mentally open to this at this point. that's fine. Like you're locked in with our friends, you're having fun. I'm doing that too, but when you're aware of this stuff, you're more open. So I wonder if this guy is as open as he thinks he is, attuned as he thinks he is, to the presence of single women around him,

because I assure you they are literally fucking everywhere. And usually talking to me in my DMs about how bad it is being single, even though I love it, even though I love it. So I think there's a confluence of being open and also being willing to talk to strangers and engage with strangers as well because it's got to be outside of your little existing bubble. And I also have thoughts on the experience gap, but we'll talk about that in a second. So my housemate is a single man in his 30s and his light is on. Like for whatever reason, his light is on, the fish are throwing themselves into the boat. And I think that there's a few elements to it. One is he is an incredibly, incredibly gregarious man. Like he has no problem

striking up conversations and strangers. And like, that's not just women. He's not one of those people that's like only women like you know he'll be talking to like the old fella at the pub who's watching the horse racing like he's just I want to talk to people so I think because he's constantly working that muscle um that means that he's like more open in general to meeting people the second thing is that you know he sort of said like he's put out there into the world like amongst his friends he's like you know I'm looking for a relationship right now you know and I'm looking for somebody with whom I can have a relationship it doesn't mean that like every person he meets he's like and now we must wed

but he's he's saying that to people and I think that maybe you special one could take a leaf out for my housemates book one just fucking talk to people just like to you know and not just women like you can chat to other guys at the pub and stuff like that because talking to people puts you in contact with more people and also someone that sees you striking up a conversation with a stranger like we'll feel comfortable to like have a bit of a conversation with you because they feel that they're joining a group and there's not loads of pressure for it to be flirtatious straight away like these are all good beneficial things second thing is, you know, you say that you're, that you are making friends, I think maybe you could say, yo, if you've got a, a single, you know, lady friend who's within my age group and you think we've got things in common, could you introduce me? You know, I think, I think just asking. Don't say things in common because I'll never think you have things in common. Just ask if there's any single friends. Yeah. Just ask that there's any single friends. I asked him to have a house. Okay, what about the age gap?

Although you said experience gap, which I liked. I liked as a phrase. So I think it's Jamal Burkma. Mahalo's brother. He's a big content created at the moment on TikTok. And I just wrote a substack based on something he was talking about, which is it's not an age gap that really matters. It's an experience gap.

And the experience gap, I think, looms largest in the gap between the 20-year-olds and the 30-somethings. Also, again, like 20-somethings and teens, but you should. shouldn't be touching the teens, full stop a few in the 20s, just a note to the wise. And I wrote about this because I was writing that as I age, I've realised that women, you know, I always thought men fucking uncontrolled horn dogs who will just go after younger people again and again again because that's what size says. And I was like, but women, apart from a few exceptions, we, I won't fancy younger men. I won't, I won't have that impulse.

No, you do still have that impulse. Society tells you all the time that the young and beautiful are young and beautiful you don't stop fancying the young and beautiful and it turns out you actually have to just have some discipline and you have to put it back in your pants and you have to be like they're not for me anymore I'm not going to go after this person with such big experience gap

I think there's exceptions to this rule but I think for the most part if you're a 30-something dating a 25-year-old the experience gap is going to be so large as to be insurmountable and you probably should let them get on with their life for a little bit before you go and fiddle around that's just my very very harsh take but having recently you know talk to some people who are quite a bit younger than me I was like this causes me too much fret I feel the power dynamic is too skewed and also like I remember I was like at 23 you have to go and live your life I want you to go and live your life a 33 year old and a 43 year old yeah it's a big gap but it's the experience is not as there's not as much of a girlfriend experience I think there's still some

but not as much. Whereas 23 and 33, that's a big experience gap. There is some, like, so I think, yeah, you should, it's not that you'll stop fancying 25-year-olds. I think you have to, honestly, train yourself not to go after them. Leave them alone for a bit. I think you also, I mean, I was talking about this with my partner at the weekend because I was talking about how the age of men that I fancy changes.

And like, you know, that, and that's happening in terms of, like, you know, like watching films or TV or whatever or just like being out in the world. Like, I'm fancying older men. And he was like, yeah, it's happening with me as well. He was like, you know, I realized it when I was watching June. I didn't fancy Zendaya. I fancied the mom. He was like, something has shifted. And he was like, you know, I was worried because society conditions men to associate what's sexually desirable and what's attractive with, you know, a woman who is as close to being a child as.

as possible. And he was like, and I was kind of worried that, um, you know, that training and that coding would would really, you know, make a creep of me. And he was like, you know, I'm pleasantly surprised to find that that's not, that's not happening, you know, that my desire is evolving with me as I get older. And I think that's also part of like being in a relationship with someone who's also getting older. Because he's like, well, you know, you're not getting less attractive to me. you know so that's part of it like that we're in a feedback loop of being attracted to someone who's like getting older um so i think that these things can and do shift in terms of um i don't think you can police who you necessarily fancy but who you think of as an option you can really do some shifting on and i think

that part of the attraction to people who are younger particularly for cis het and hetish men is that in my experience, men often get kind of freaked out when women make demands on them. Like, you know, they get really freaked out by women who are like, I have these expectations and I have these standards and I want you to meet them. And a really, really easy way to not have to deal with that is to create situations where your partner is not your equal.

Now, there are lots of ways to do that, and it's not just about, you know, age gaps or experience gaps. Another way of doing it is, you know, to be, you know, really withholding and avoidant and to create situations of precarity. But another way is through age and experience gaps. If what you want is a relationship, which can really go somewhere, you know, and it can be a real partnership where you can look each other like in the eye and create something together, they have to be your equal. And I think it's very, very very rare. to find that where there's an age or experience gap. Yeah.

I also think as well with the edge experience gap thing, I think because men are so patriarchy stunts men, stunts their emotional development, I think sometimes the younger women do match them in that sense because they're, and then they surpass them, and that's when it all falls apart. So once again, we're back here with me saying, read the fucking world to change.

Also, one of the things about age and experience gaps is that, like, you know, you get to feel like someone who's got it all together. Because, like, you know, you're that bit older and, like, your life properly looks a bit different. You are basking in the admiration of this younger person. And I'm not saying admiration in a relationship as bad. Admiration is very, very good. You need it, but it has to be equal admiration. And I think that, like, what can sometimes happen with these age and experience gaps and something that I've seen is that

men put the younger woman that they're dating on a pedestal, right? And they romanticise them and they become this sort of like, you know, ingenue kind of character who's like, I'm so mature for her age and all the rest of it. That's not the same as like admiring like a real human being, right? That's a fantasy. And similarly, you are a fantasy to this person because you're older and you're not, you know, you're not occupying that same world of shared experience. And again, this comes back to the drum that I beat all the time, which is healthy relationships. are relationships of equals and the most fulfilling relationships

are relationship of equals yeah listen if you like this person enough, the 25 old just leave them be for five years and then come back

if you really like them your weight okay that's my take that's my take let them cook let them literally cook they've got so much cooking to do

should we do one more or we done enough one more All right. Do you want to read it? One more. One more song. Hi Ash and Moya. Love the pod and feel like I always take something positive from your discussions,

whether that is personal or political, so thank you, smiley face. I'm in my mid-20s and since leaving uni and transitioning into the working world, I feel a huge gap in my life where I have lost touch with friends who no longer live close to me geographically. I feel generally fulfilled in other parts of my life, but I regularly get upset about my lack of friends and feel, that until I fill this gap, I won't be truly happy. I've tried a few things to meet new people like joining exercise classes and volunteering locally, as well as trying to be proactive with existing friendships. I'm now at a point where I'm meeting a few people who I could

potentially be friends with. My question to you both is, how can I make myself as open as possible to letting these friendships grow without putting anyone off by being too keen? For context, I'm generally quite a shy person, but not so much that I can't function socially at all. I've always gotten well with my colleagues at work, had friends in school and at uni, but I feel like I'm terrible at making a first impression. It takes me time to warm up with people, and I fare better in one-on-one interactions. I like to think I'm a good listener, empathetic, and I enjoy deep. It just says deep. I assume that it's deep conversations, not just I enjoy the abyss.

I enjoy deep conversations where we share our genuine thoughts and feelings with each other. However, in groups I freeze up. I never feel that my input is worth sharing. I'm not especially funny, can't tell stories, and I just feel that generally I come across as quite uninteresting, closed-off person. I also found that this has become an issue in some of my older friendships, where we have lost our closeness over time. I feel that our interactions have become more superficial, and I'm expected to be more interesting or fun for them to want to spend time with me. Do I need to work on the skills that I'm lacking in social situations and deal with the discomfort it brings, or is there a way I can come across as more open to people while still being

a show and sensitive soul. If you have any tips, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks for reading and best wishes to you both from a lonely, special one. I think you don't like yourself very much. And I think you don't trust other people very much. I don't think you trust them to see your value or hear your stories and think they have worth, hear your input and think they have worth.

I don't even know if it's, just that's just shyness like you say I'm terrible making first impressions takes me time to warm up with people I fare you say I fare much better in one-to-one interactions and that you really enjoy this idea of going deep but in groups that you freeze up um I don't really have a solution for this because it's something I'm dealing with myself ash what do you think I tell you something I tell you something what you need to do is let some other people take some of the work off of you. And I'll explain to you what I mean by that. So I've got a friend who feels the same way. So she's very drawn to one-on-one. She's a very

loving, very caring person. She has to deal with anxiety in a really big way. And her tendency has been to go, okay, I'm going to be one-on-one over here, I'm going to be one-on-one over here, I'm going to be one-on-one over there. And one of the things that she was struggling with was was the sense of like, do I really have a world that's supporting me and holding me and would miss me and to which I am essential? And like, I feel that other people's lives are changing and my world is getting smaller. And the thing that she needs to do is to introduce the people to each other. And like, and it happened for the first time really recently that like all of us who are part of her friendship network got to meet all at once. And we got to talk to each other

and we got to see these other parts of herself, you know, that she's been experiencing one-on-one. And it was so wonderful. Like, it was just so, so wonderful. And she felt like, she felt really special. And she felt like she had a great time. And, you know, just because she is naturally a little bit more shy and, you know, naturally feels a bit more anxious amongst groups, it didn't mean that she was at the margins, like, far from it. She could sort of go, oh, it's not my job to carry this and make it go by being the person who's always telling stories and always cracking jokes.

I can enjoy this sort of creative thing that's coming from these people meeting and interacting. So my advice to you is that now you've got this, you know, these friends who you could become better friends with is create social groups where you bring them all together. They don't know each other very, very well. it could be your birthday or it could be something you want to do it could be watching the football it could be anything like just an excuse get people together and set them off and go because the solution to loneliness isn't lots and lots of one-on-one friendships it really isn't and I think that can exacerbate loneliness it's feeling that you're part of a community of friends yeah I don't know I think it's I think everything you say is right it's just like people email as time

moment time again being like, how do I make friends? How do I do this? How do I get more confidence? And the answer is you just have to fucking do it. No one else can do it for you. No one else can put themselves out there or practice this stuff or like take that leap, that first leap where you actually try and say something and think, I'm going to change the pattern of the way I feel about this. Like I'm maybe not going to think, you have to tell yourself a different fucking story. You can't just always be like, sorry, I sound really mean. but you can't always be like I'm not a good

I'm not good at telling stories I'm not funny I'm not this then you won't be fine then you won't be choose something else probably funnier than you think I kind of think everyone's funny yeah but choose

choose a different story and maybe then you'll get a different resolution and ending if you choose the same story again and again you already know how it ends sorry sorry I made a bit of a tough love mood today

look I think that there is just something like practical here which is like introduce your friends and your acquaintances to your other friends and acquaintances like I think part of the reason why I feel why I personally feel so held by my community of loved ones is because I never kept people separate and they also love it when you introduce them to each other they're all like wow they fucking love it they're like you're such a facilitator I met this person because of moya I met this person because of moya and

you don't even have to say shit they can all entertain each other one of the things I think about is if I get hit by a bus I'm going to be so well-spers but of at my funeral. Yeah, and it's like, I didn't do anything. I literally was actually just a nightmare. And then everyone else was like, but you got me to meet this person, so I associate good things with you.

Works every time. Works every time. Okay, we have to go. We have to go. We do have to go. I really need to eat something. I'm becoming crabby. Yeah, same.

That's why I was being tough love. I need some food. I'm hungry. I'm really hungry all the time at the moment. I don't know why. I'm eating more than I was. Like, I've gone on. up a lot. I don't want to mention my cycles of cut, but I'm in maintenance now. We're on full

blown, full blast power. Okay? So why am I always hungry? Anyway, to the crusty bread rolls, they've got me in a headlock. Sane's first crusty bread rolls. But they only last two days, you've got even fast. You're my crusty bread roll. Thank you. Everyone's on the cinnamon rolls. No, crusty bread rolls. That's what I'm at. Okay, bye, special ones. Bye. Bye. Thank you.