If I Speak - 80: September is the real new year. Will your resolution stick this time?

Episode Date: September 16, 2025

*Flag your Special One status with our official tote bag, only from shop.novaramedia.com* Moya has a simple proposition: September is the best month for fresh starts. But why do we always want a clean slate? Plus, a straight white man who’s trying to be good and getting flak for it anyway. Send us your dilemmas: […]

Hello, is it me, is it me you're looking for, is it, is it, is it, hello, is it, is it, hello, Ash, how you doing? Oh, Moya, I am having a stressful time. No. Stressful time. Okay, vent to me. But, okay, all right. Like, it's, none of it is, like, particularly new. None of it is new, right?

But just, like, work is hard. Rewarding, but hard. Yes. My family is a collection of fruitcake. And I think those things, plus not having had a proper break from work, since the first week of January has added up to a stressed ash but but but but but but but but by the time this episode comes out

I will be in Napoli I will be drinking a one euro Campari spritz or indeed a Maradonna spritz which is for some reason blue so I don't think of that's going to take notes I would just sort of got cocaine in it if it's a Maradona spritz Oh my God, yeah. I mean, look, it's not going to be good for me, but I am going to drink one in honour of the big man.

I'm going to be eating, you know, nice pizza, nice pasta. I've done the thing that I do, which is I make a map with all of the food and drink places that seem like they might be good. And it doesn't mean you can only go to them, but I don't know if this happens to you when you're on holiday. but particularly for me when I experience hunger

I experience it as a crisis right I can't just be like a bit peckish I'm like if I don't eat now I will turn to cannibalism imminently and one of the things about my partner is that he's a real one for let's just walk out a bit longer

to see if there's something better it's such a bad combination my hunger plus his desire for like What is there's a better thing? It's so, it's so misaligned, I can't tell you. But the solution I found to that is for me to do this like food and drinks map. So I can go, oh look, like here's a place which I think might be good. Let's go.

Right here. And it meets both of our needs. So yes, feeling burnt out and yes, feeling stressed and yes, feeling stressed and yes, waking up in the middle of the night with heart palpitations. But. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Taking active steps. How are you?

Big holiday. Do you know what's funny? I think you can tell what kind of summer I've had by the color of my skin, which is I've gone into my winter shade. I've already hit my winter shade because I haven't been outside enough. Because I've been inside working so much. My concealer has already gone back. Hopefully as well, this will have rectified by the time this comes out

because I too am going on a shorter holiday. because I was lucky enough to... Where you go? I'm going to Malaga. I'm taking a couple of the girls to Malaga. So here's the thing about Malaga is that when I was going to Seville, this was ages ago now, must be like 10 years ago. But I went to Seville and went via Malaga because the flights were cheaper.

And so I wasn't really expecting to like it or find much that I found like beautiful or interesting or exciting because I was just like, well, I'm just like, you know, passing through here and I've got a few hours to kill before the coach that will take me to Seville. It was really nice. Yeah. So I think people get Malaga confused Magaloof. Um, so I have been to Malaga and I went the other way around. So I went to Seville and then I went down to Malaga a few years ago. Must be 20, 21 I want to say. And love Seville, adore Seville, was totally surprised by Malaga just like you. Because it's not this big rowdy, way Brits A Broad City

It's actually a very beautiful Andaluton medievaly cobbled streets Oh look at you with your little Andalutian lithe Cobbled streets Beach and City Like beach is right there Then you can go to Granada

Which I will be taking the girls to as well It's got everything It's got everything from Picasso's to those wine bars With uneven tables that you're wobbling about on Big views It's beautiful It's a stunning place to go And I'm really excited to have a couple of days

wanting about. I've got questions for you. Wait, is it for me? Oh yes, me you're doing questions. Sorry, I had them for you. Let's, let's race through them. Number one. Yeah. Flags have been in the news a lot recently. They've been in the news a lot. If you could only wear the colours from one nation's flag, what would it be? Right, right now. India. Well, I've actually not got the white, I've got yellow instead of white, but, um, yeah, it's going to be like, that's not. I think it's because I need something with greens and I need something with like browns and orangeses. Anything that's got an autumnal palette, that flag I'll wear.

There you go. Okay, an autumnal flag. I'm not saying this to virtue signal. Genuinely, for me, it would have to be the Palestinian flag because it's got black. Yeah. It's got white. It's got red and it's got green.

Yeah. Those are great colors. They're just a lot of them are too, the particular shades of the Palestinian flag would be too stark on my skin tone. I see. But you can pull off. I need deep. So I need like burgundies.

I need like deep greens. I need like deep greens. I need like deep. eat oranges. Not to get too much into color theory. But yeah, okay. For another time. For another time. Okay. Favorite oil to use in a cooking context. So hard because it really can pay it. Like the context, it's not just cooking, is it? Like the context, the context depends on the dish. If I said a toasted nut oil, that

won't suit some dishes. That doesn't work for everything. It doesn't work for everything. It doesn't work for probably a chili oil because a tiny bit of chili oil can kind of go with everything sometimes you have a lot on tops and it's a drizzle sometimes it's like the full base you're cooking it in but a tiny bit of chili oil just adds like such a kick and goes such a long way so if I had to but really it's going to be the fucking virgin olive oil because that is yeah yeah the workhorse of the it's the workhorse like a really nice virgin olive oil I had a I had a sesame oil heavy meal last night and I really enjoyed it. Sesame oil, but then it's like with the toast and not oil,

if it's used with the wrong flavors and you use too much, it's going to just completely overpower the dish. And I'm not even a good cook like you. And even I'm like, that would overpower if you used too much. You're like, ho, ho, no, no, no. I'm very functional. And finally, do you have any

anxiety cheat codes? So when you're feeling anxious, are there any little things that you do to be like, all right, I'm going to make this feeling more manageable? Yes. it's one of my things that I'll be talking about coming up and it's recently started, and that's actually allowing myself to admit why I'm feeling anxious.

So rather than repressing the source of the anxiety, which is often a feeling of humiliation or embarrassment or uncertainty, I've started saying out loud why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. I do that too. I do that too. And it's crazy. Actually, it works so well.

Who knew? And I go, I'm feeling anxious because of this. And then I go, and that would make anyone feel anxious. I don't yet do the second part. That's maybe too evolved for me that I need to get to. But I'm like, I'm feeling anxious because of this. And this made me feel like this. And that's because of this.

And that's okay. You're just going to feel it. It's really odd, but it's really working. So there you go. There you go. Right. Right. Let's have it.

Let's have it. Let's go on to the big theory. It's not that big. this is a mellow theory I've got some theoretical elements for you to the back of this wonderful stuff this is why we bring you I bring vibes and you bring like actual

you also bring vibes but you also bring like actual factual and research whereas I'm just like well I feel it in my spleen so it must be true oh yeah I love that song I feel it in my spleen okay today we're talking about the new year

Because, guys, according, fuck you Gregorian calendars, according to my calendar, the pagan calendar, it is the new fucking year. It's September, baby, Virgo season, and Libras, but we're not talking about them. Sorry to all the Libra's listening, you're offended by that, but whatever. So this isn't really a big theory. I think it's pretty accepted in all the circles that I'm moving at least. I see a lot of think pieces about it. but let's be honest September is the real new year

and partly of course this is thanks to the many years of schooling we all went through when the big new year the big term would start in September you'd have your fresh notebooks your little pens and your clunky shoes and you'd go off to go off and see

what this new school year would bring maybe I'd get on the netball team I always was on the netball team but this is an example you know what no need to set up for your own flex like that? No need.

Oh, but that's a lesson, Ash. If you don't set up for your own flex, who will? God. Leave it too God. It's Virgo season right now, so I'm on the flex. You know, real flex. Okay, but yeah, so school partly has indoctrinated us into feeling like September's

a start of something new to paraphrase high school musical. But it's also because of the way the seasons work, I think. January, let's paint a picture. It's the middle. of winter. It's dark. It's cold. Where are the new beginnings? The ground is hard. We're hibernating. You have to drag yourself out in January. But September, September is a golden new beginning because it's a new season. It's literally the end of summer where I see it as kind of like

brainless, summer to me is like brainless mind off. My mental faculties are really on holiday, even though I'm forced to continue working they're not in the country I'm hot all the time I'm sweating I move very slowly I feel like a beached seal when I'm walking around because I'm so hot and swollen and then September comes in it's literally a brush

a breath of fresh air there's leaves everywhere it's cool but it's still warm the evenings are stretching long you can you can ready to think again I'm ready to think in September I'm ready to learn and after a big brainless summer

I'm like, please give me some knowledge. It's also the start of things like cuffing season. It's newness. There's newness in the air. So I want to discuss new beginnings and I want to discuss resolutions because me and the girlies like to do our little resolutions in September now

and then we revisit them in sort of spring and think, how are we doing? Do you want to adjust anything? How's it going? I often don't do any of my fucking resolutions but it's nice to see what I thought I would be doing. So I want to ask you about the idea of starting again.

You know, when have you had to have a new beginning? What does that actually mean to you beyond, you know, maybe buying a new capsule wardrobe the way TikTok, from one of us do? And what are your autumn 2025 resolutions, if you have any? Where do you want to kick off? All right. So first is that I totally agree with you that the sense that like September has so much potential. And I think that that is deeply connected to school.

Like you said, the sort of clunky shoes, the big backpack, the blazer, which doesn't yet stink. You know, all these things sort of represent newness. And when I think about, you know, what is for me the image of the sort of potential and excitement of September? I think about a glossy conker. So you've got its spiny green flesh cracked open a bit and you can see that beautiful, rich. shiny brown within. That's what I think about. And once more, the Conquer's song,

the Conquer's song being the national anthem for September. Run the track. I can't stop thinking about the fucking song. Yes, Conquer's gone. The Conquer song went so, it had no business going as hard as it did. But it did. But yeah, the glossiness of a conker.

And I think about the smell of like new exercise books, pencil shavings, you know, going into a classroom at the start of the year and it doesn't yet smell like feet, you know, all of all of these things. And yeah, I think that there are, you know, there are ways in which school kept us in. in touch with the seasons a lot better than particularly working life in the UK. I think it is a bit different in other countries. Like in Italy and Spain, it's like you take the entirety of August off. Like, you know, there's a date in mid-August where, you know, the joke amongst Italians is like, you know, if you need to go to the hospital, don't.

No one's going to be there. And, you know, a sense that, okay, like it's this hot, you know, it's summer. this is meant for enjoyment, this is meant for going to the beach, this is meant for doing all of these things, which in a way, you know, yes, you've got, you've got, like, festivals, big thing in the UK, pub gardens, big thing in the UK. You know, work might slow down a bit and there's a bit of a gentleman's agreement that you're all going to fuck off at four, but you don't have that thing where it's like nothing is happening in August. So I think that in other countries, like there is a bit more of a being in touch of the seasons. But school really,

really did that. Really, really did that. You'd have a harvest festival, which in London meant that we were all bringing tinned goods as like our... Fucking a little evacuees.

What the hell? I don't know. We didn't bring anything fresh to the harvest assembly now that I think about it. You're bumming me out. That's what it was like to be a child in London.

Urbanisation has robbed us of so much. What the hell? We'd bring a... They wouldn't even take you to a city farm? No, we didn't go to a city farm. But there's so many. Yeah, but we just didn't go. That's also bummed me out.

Oh, London curriculum. Oh, man, look, look, it's what life was like. But, like, there was, you know, I remember also you'd get, you, at primary school, they'd give you like a daffodil bulb in the autumn and you'd plant it. And I'd always forget to do it. So, like, three weeks before the daffodil assembly, I'd be like, fuck plant the bomb like find it at the bottom of like my book bag or something and I'm like oh shit this thing's dead um and that was that's also a lesson that's also a lesson in natural cycles

and that's also a lesson you were doing a different lesson it's fine so yeah I think I think that you know there's a reason why I mean I think that there are sort of um spicy contrarian takes about this and I've decided my job for for today's episodes that I'm going to deliver the spicy contrarian take and I don't know if I believe it I don't know if this is what I think but I'm just trying to add a little spice to the soup yeah right you could say um one could argue that the fact that all the TikTok girlies are like yeah September um is the real new years and resolutions is because emotionally and psychologically they haven't moved on from school so this could fit into my master theory of infantilization um and then I think that there is something interesting about um

do we ever feel fulfilled by resolutions or like do we ever feel a sense of achievement and I've actually done this thing or is it like being on a treadmill right you never you never actually reach a destination you just sort of stop at some point and this is part of you know what sociologists would argue a neoliberal conception of the self um you think about the self as being a kind of enterprise that you're constantly working on and investing in and trying to maximize. But you never ever really get there. You never really get to a point of happiness with yourself. Again, I don't know if I fully believe that because I've seen some people on the left dismiss any idea of agency or

or any idea of progression with the self, because they say, oh, this is all individualistic, and it's all a distraction from the collective social ills, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't think it's necessarily a good idea to say that people don't have any agency at all, because then people don't have revolutionary agency either. So how can you come together as a collective if you don't work on yourself a little bit to do that, do you know what I mean?

well exactly i think that you know it's you can you can you can be such a hard determinist that you're like oh well the historical conditions yeah i you know i always come back to the box thing which is men and girlies make history but not in the conditions of their choosing don't choose the conditions but but you've got some agentic force and i think it is important to have a sense of agency and a sense of um i can make things different because that is where political possibility comes from but this is my sort of throwback to you um have you ever felt fulfilled by resolutions yeah I mean I have and it's the thing is as well so I know I'm an ill lady it's why this is why I'm pausing I'm a bit

of an we know you have a podcast yeah nobody well has podcasts wait let us I'm going to say if I find more resolutions from most recent years. I'm trying to say if I can find... Okay, here were my 20-25 intentions, is what I call them. Write book. I did that. Bang. Bang, did it? Everything else, apart from one thing I didn't do. Well, it is 2025 still, so there's time.

Medidate every day. Did not do that. Work out two times a week. Yes, have exceeded that. And actually, I don't want to get too sick on here because, but I did want to, I had a project to do with my body, I will say, from May to July. And I wanted to develop more muscle. Actually, it's a good thing. I wanted to develop more muscle. I want to get stronger. And I've really done that.

And it's changed the way I can function, which is really exciting. Like, I can sing louder, not necessarily well, but I can sing louder. Like, I can move fast. I can go further. I can lift, I'm lifting stronger. It's been really crazy to see how just changing a couple of things, like actually paying attention to my nutrition, as they like to call it, but not in terms of just like dropping calories,

in terms of being like, this is how much protein I need to eat for this, and this is how much fats I need to eat, and this is how much carbs, and it's way more than I thought, has really changed how my body feels and fuels itself. So I have done that. No spending on clothes and less needed. Wrong, wrong. didn't do that

the second part of this was has to be secondhand yes I have done that I've gone absolutely hog wild and vinted everything I'm wearing is like like a pig at the trough so bad for one item in I have to sell another unvinted didn't do that at all in fact things that I

have that I need to get rid of I just take straight to the charity shop or put into the charity donation bin there's a beautiful wardrobe that has left my possession read 60 books I don't think i have done that but i am reading so that's fine uh but yeah we've got i know that in previous i've done some other resolutions where i've been stuff like have sex in public i didn't do that why did why did i do put that on now i think i thought it was something i should

want to do one year i had do anal on my resolutions and i didn't do that either because it's not something you actually want to do it that was such a jump scare yeah sorry i didn't do it i didn't do it i didn't I didn't actually want to do it. It was something that I thought I should want to do. And I think that's the thing with resolutions. They have to be things if they're going to make you feel good and you're going to actually carry them out. You actually have to really want to do them.

They can't just be aspirational. I think you do have to have a slight hold on them. Like working out two times a week is the way I put down. I already kind of did that and I actually work out three times a week at the moment. That's something I already had a habit and pattern I just want to double down on. I do think you can say stuff like I want to start. sewing but I think really you should start sewing before you start the resolution because you have to like build the groundwork for it I'm yeah so I have done things

that I have done resolutions that make me very happy and I feel what's the thing they use it's smart isn't it it's like they have to be smart resolutions it's an anagram no it's not it's an acronym I'm not very smart you just reminded me of this like Homer Simpson bit where he's going I am so smart I am so Mark, S-M-R-T, no, M-A-R-T. Yeah, I had a home a moment, but it's an acronym, and I can't remember it stands for, but it's like they have to be realistic. It's like something measurable, achievable, achievable, realistic, tangible, some shit like that.

So that's the vibe. That's what your resolution should be if you want to actually not feel like you aren't meeting them and don't feel shame around them. Wait, I want to know if you've got any. This is what I want, because I have someone. I tend not to make resolutions as such. Like, you know, kind of at New Year's, I sort of say some shit, like everybody else. But I never ever keep track of them or write them down or remember them.

I am someone who just does shit. Like, I can take steps to improve my life and introduce new habits and new patterns, which are good for me. But really, it is just, I'm just doing some shit. it and then I like it and then I keep doing it. So yoga was one of those things. It wasn't, I didn't think it through. I just like, it started because like I had a bit of shoulder pain or like a shoulder ache

that just like wasn't going away no matter what I did. And me and a friend went to a yoga class and the lady who was running, it was like, okay, like flip your palms to face forwards. And I was like, oh, Jesus, my shoulders feel completely different. And because I had this kind of like transformative experience, it made me want to do it more. Like there is a new physical habit in my life at the moment, which is going to the gym and lifting weights. And there are lots of elements of why I'm doing it, right? Lots of different things. One is I'm going quite a lot with my housemate. So it's a really nice way to spend time

together. And it's really nice, I think particularly for me to put myself in a position where a friend is teaching me something. Like it's really, really nice to be taught how to do something. and to sort of celebrate a friend's expertise. So I've been really enjoying that. And the reason why I started wanting to go to the gym had not, it's got nothing to do with how my body looks. It's about to do, it's about how I feel about what my body can do. So one of the things in yoga that I just like can't make any progress on is handstands.

So I can do headstands because headstands are really compact. Yeah, you said so you're not doing the pushing. I was telling my friend about it. you saying this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, like, you push down with your forearms for the headstand and you create like a sort of triangle base and like that ass is up there, right? And it's a lot of ass to heave up.

Whereas, you've got the core. You've got the core. But on the like puny, puny arms, because, you know, for the handsstand, your arms are fully extended, there's nothing I can do to make them stronger if I just keep doing yoga. You can make your legs a lot stronger and you can make your core a lot stronger. but unless you're doing like, you know, your pulls and, you know, you're working on your shoulders, you can't get stronger. So I want to be able to do a handstand.

Is that going to improve my life or make me a better person? No, it's completely arbitrary. And I think one of the things that I like about yoga is that a lot of these poses, it's so similar to what you do as a kid when you're playing. Like, I want to do a headstand. I want to do a handstand. I want to do a cartwheel. So it's nice. it's nice to have an idea of progression

which is really linked to the physical language of play, right? That's something which makes me happy. And then there's another thing which was, I don't want to get too into it because I have a feeling that this person may listen to the podcast, I don't know. Everyone listens to this podcast, Ash. Everyone listens to this podcast.

Basically, someone who is a complete fucking nutter. They definitely listen. A complete fucking nutter. really, really, like, was hounding me and making me feel, like, quite threatened, making me feel quite unsafe and, like, filming the whole thing and then, like, put the video up on the internet. Like, he didn't do anything which was physical. I know, because I've seen, because of videos that he's posted himself, that he has been

physical with other people, never with a woman from what. I can see but it was real like body flooded with like cortisol and adrenaline and then afterwards he was like waiting outside for me and shit and then I had to like find another way out and when he was posting about it he was like oh she left left through the back like a rat and I was like yes because you were waiting outside for me you mad fucking bastard rats are very smart And rats are very smart. Yeah, rats are smart. There's a reason why they don't stay on the sinking ship

because they're not dumb. But like, it's, I was going to the gym before that anyway, but afterwards when like, you know, because the cortisol and the adrenaline stays with you, right? You're sort of, and it's ironic that this happened after our what does it take to feel safe episode recording, right? I was like, that is ironic. If only this had happened before,

I would have had so much to pull from. One of the things that, like, in general I realize that I need, and this isn't just to do with this particular interaction, but, like, with all the death threats and threats of violence and a resurgent far right, is that I want to feel confident in my body. And part of the, like, anxiety and feeling of lack of safety is that I've got no real trust in my body.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to be, you know, Khabib by the end of like my gym journey and be like two three years Dagestan and forget like I'm not going to be you know an ultimate fighting champion after going to the gym a little bit but just to feel that sense of like confidence in my body to go back to is this a resolution no this is just something that I started doing because it was a sort of culmination of lots of different desires and needs

and for me that's how I work but that's just how I work question did you resolve to do that no not really because I was already going to the gym you resolved to go to the gym and live weights what do you mean a resolution is just a decision no but I was already but I was commitment already going it was already going yeah but it wasn't like a resolution of like and I'm going to go it was like oh actually like lifting weights is like meeting this need already and so it's a good thing for me to do sure i'll believe you thousands i believe you're fairs sure sure i think i think to me a resolution is just like when you decide to go down specific past you're like i'm resolved to go try that

thing or do that thing it doesn't have to be a commitment forever it's like just resolved to try this thing you know that's that is that is the definition to me of resolution it's like I've got I've got resolved to go and do this thing which is intention there's intention but there's a bit of intention behind it's not just sort of like aimless it's an interesting thing about I think this podcast which is lots of the time what we're asking special ones to do when they write in with a dilemma is make some kind of resolution so do something which doesn't yet feel natural or instinctive to them and be like go and do this thing and there's an arbitrariness to it so I think that what the what this is why I don't

think what I'm doing as a resolution and why I think what we're advising people to do is sort of carry out a resolution is that I think inherent in a resolution is a bit of a leap like there is some distance to be travelled which is whether it's like a feeling of comfort like a sort of habitualness does this feel natural to me does this feel instinctive does this feel like something which is already a part of who I am and what I do whereas I guess the thing I'm saying is that like when I've just started doing some shit it doesn't the the things that stick for me don't feel like I've made a leap but the differences you are making a leap because you're like I want to be able to do a handstand right that's going to be a leap even if you

have the groundwork there's still a leap to be made and I will also say that one of the best literally there is a leap to be made one of the best one of the best moments when I went to the gym is one day because when I was younger I could vaguely do handstands and cartwheels and then, but I wasn't very good at cartwheels at all. And one day I just knew in the gym that I had the core strength to do a really beautiful carpwell and I just did it. And that's a leap. It's a literal leap. Like your handstand is a leap. You're taking your starting point and then you're going to end up here somewhere else where you've improved a skill and honed something that you can do. That's a leap, is it not? You're thinking that involves discomfort.

yeah or discomfort or like I guess I'm talking about like like anal like anal would feel like a leap for me it would feel like a big old league this is why I think we go wrong with resolutions I think we see resolutions is something that have to be a bit alien and brand new and like a discomforting leap rather than something that builds on what we already have for example I have resolutions which for autumn which I'll tell you about in a second but I don't I think they're successful only as we've said when you start from a place where you've already got that groundwork and they're not discomforting. Like what you're, I genuinely think, and you know what, you can tell me to shut the fuck up

because you have already said you don't think this, but I do, that you going to the gym and having a specific intention building on a skill set that you already have and just honing it in an area where you can't do any more in yoga, that to me is a resolution. You've resolved, I want to get better at the specific thing. I want to learn how to do the specific thing. So I'm going to take X, Y, Z steps to do it. That to me feels like a resolution. I guess for me it feels a bit different from I guess what can sometimes feel like the arbitrariness of like a new year's resolution like a friend of mine a friend of mine had a new year's resolution which is to take up roller skating and I think it was like her first or second lesson I can't remember that she broke her arm like and it was so so shit like the contrast between the intention that she was

motivated by, which was I want to move, I want to feel free, I want to feel, um, you know, a kind of thrill and I want to feel a sense of agency and, you know, um, that, you know, that literally my body is moving through the world. And then because she had to, you know, heal. And also there is, I think when you have, um, physical injury of any kind, like I definitely found this when I fucked up my ankle, is that you become so untrusting of your ability to navigate the world that there was a period of real retreat for her. And so the sort of, you know, that that difference between, you know, what she was being motivated by and then what her, what the outcome and the experience was was like, it was horrible. It was horrible because she was so, so confined. She's now

someone who I also go to the gym with and she's fucking killing it oh my god like we were doing a pull together um and she was just like muscle mammy i was like jesus christ you're strong like teach me what you know so she's i think she's found another way for that desire to feel um strong and a sense of possibility with her body she's found a different expression for it. But I think that the leap between, you know, to sort of like hone this idea of the leap a bit more, the leap between where she was and like, I'm going to roll a skate was too much. And then like, you know, breaking her arm was just like, I'm not saying like, oh, it was your fault because you picked roller skating. The thing I'm saying is that like,

there was, there was a sort of like big leap there. And the, you know, for other people, if they injured themselves like skateboarding or something like that, they're like, oh, it's long but I'm definitely going to go back to it because there's something consistent there and the consistency is my desire to do this thing but like she does not feel that way about roller skating because it's

it was there was an arbitrariness to the picking of roller skating and maybe the leap was too big she didn't want to go back to it which I think is time but that to me is a I don't want to say poorly picked because it sounds mean but it's where we go wrong with resolutions you need a connection to the thing

just like yeah someone's going to pick a kind of thing one day and be like, yeah, I can do this. And they'll do it and it'll be great and they'll tell a whole story about how it changed their life. But for a lot of us, it's like with dating. When you, this is why we talk about dating apps not working, when you pick someone who's totally out of context of your life and you have no connection to and then you wonder why you can't maintain the buzz that you had because there's nothing in your busy lives, meaning you'll get back together again. Like, it's the same thing as arbitrary. I think we don't want the arbitrary. We want something you feel connected to. I would, I'm, if I pick up a language,

for example, it'll be French because I have a grounding in French and I've done like on and off French lessons. I'm really bad at it. But that language I have a connection to and I have a context for and it makes sense I would carry on with French. Like yes, maybe I could pick up Arabic, but it's really fucking hard and I probably won't stick with it. So if I, the greatest chance of success at honing this skill, you pick something where you have a grounding at first and a connection to it. And if you really, really want to push through that, then yeah, it's clear that you actually you know, you're committed to that resolution. There'll be people who will step by step

because I know, I'm going to get back on those skates, I'm going to do this. But it's very hard after you've done something like traumatic, like breaking your arm if it's an arbitrary thing. I mean, it was, I think it was genuinely traumatic. Yeah, of course it is. The, you know, the severity of the break, like just how painful it was.

And the contrast between New Year, New Me, possibility. And then like, I'm so confined for months. It was like, I think, I think in ways, which I'm only starting to get my head around now that I'm saying it. I was like, oh no, that was really, really traumatising for her. I want to move on from the physical just a bit because we've been talking a lot about things like yoga, going to the gym, roller skating.

These are all physical activities in the world. And you can add other things which are sort of like practical or physical in some way, which might be I want to cook more, I want to do this, blah, blah, blah, blah. What about emotional resolutions? Well, none of my autumn 20, 25 resolutions are. are physical, really. They're all emotional. So talk me through.

One, anti-avoidance. Ooh. Building on stuff that I've done this year, building on a revelation, actually had in the gym recently, which I can't get into annoying me because it involves people outside of... people outside of myself, blah, blah, blah.

But the point was, I contrasted two different experiences and I was like, hang on a minute. One of these is repeating old patterns. And one of these is a healthy new pattern. and I choose the healthy new pattern. And I thought, we're going to do more of that. Anti-avoidance. We're going to do more of communicating with people.

And that links to my other thing, my other two, really. Well, there's three. Be open, which again is anti-avoidance. You can't avoid pain. It's going to happen. You're actually just making yourself feel it worse and on your own when you're really avoidant of stuff. because you're not talking to people,

you bottle it all up inside, and you don't admit to yourself what you're feeling. You just pull away, come back, pull away. I don't want to do that anymore. Let my body feel my emotions, rather than just repressing them. Again, link to the openness. If you open up your body,

open up what you're feeling, or open with yourself, you can be open with other people without the fear of the shame because the shame's coming from you. The fear of humiliation is coming from you. Like, it actually doesn't matter how they fucking react. It matters how you're communicating with them

and what you're saying to them. So if you're saying to them, This is how I would like, you know, the things between us to go. Or this is how I'd like our friendship to be conducted. What would you like? You have to be open. Otherwise, you can't really get those needs met or meet theirs. And then my final one is less pride, more self-respect.

Oh, okay, come on. Okay, we're cooking now. Okay. Okay. Very different things, very different things, you know. expand well pride to me is all about like ego and protection of uh i guess the not even it's not appearance is it it's protection of uh identity it's it's like hard it stops you from being open with people it stops you from being soft and vulnerable it stops you from telling people

how you feel it stops from giving people a chance to respond to you pride is very preventative in the worst way it's like a preemptive It's inhibiting. It's preemptive. It's inhibiting. It's preemptive. It doesn't give space for other people's experiences and how they're feeling or give them grace. It's all just like, I'm going to get ahead of it.

I'm going to make sure I'm not humiliated. I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that. And that often involves closing off, pulling back, being pass ag, all those things. Where self-respect. Or lashing out. Usually closing off and lashing out later when you're like, why are they not talking to me? Okay. Self-respect.

Self-respect is grounded. It is calm. It is self-esteem. It is a sense of self. You have the ability to give people grace. You won't get mocked around in the same way because you have your standards and you have your boundaries.

But you're not just preemptively being like, you're a fucking prick, you're doing this, you're maliciously trying to hurt me. You were literally like, okay, this is the standard I want to be treated at. I like that you delivered that and a sort of Sheila goes out with her mate Stella kind of...

It was like it was a real... You fucking prick! whereas self-respect of self-esteem is how I put it so it's ego versus self-esteem self-respect you know you have a real sense of self you have a really strong idea of like these are my values these my standards and I would like you to meet them and if you can't that's not a reflection on me

and it doesn't even mean you're a bad person it just means our paths are not went to walk alongside each other and that's okay we found that out early no damage no harm God bless and on your way um yeah and i think self-respect is when you can regulate and look at the situation and be like oh that actually i'm feeling it's because i feel rejected and hurt these not embarrassing things is that did they actually mean to reject and hurt me no they didn't but that's still how i'm feeling how am i going to communicate about this situation how am i going to ask for what i actually

want without being really um imposing but also still upholding this standard i think that's self-respect you know it's moving with kind and compassion but also don't tick me for idiot don't tick me for idiot I mean I think that this is an important point which is for me there is such a connection between pride and self-loathing and I say this is someone who oh my god if there was a way to connect my self-loathing to a battery fossil fuel industry over tomorrow you know BP shell found crying shaking throwing up like it's a big old it's a big old thing

and I often latch onto it because it feels familiar like it feels really familiar so I'm feeling stressed or anxious about something else so I'm like ah yes but it's just because I'm so inherently

fucking shit and then prideful responses come into it because you know I think when self-loathing feels so familiar and so easy to reach for and it feels like it's always there and it's right at your back

is that you develop these mechanisms and this sort of hair-trigger reactiveness to don't put me in contact with that. Don't put me in contact with feelings of worthlessness or lack of value or whatever form your particular flavour of self-loathing takes. And it's also something that I see in other people, which is, you know, pride is actually a bit where you go, don't put me in contact with how I really feel about myself. And self-respect, I think, is also not just about how do I feel about myself, it's also how do I feel about other people?

And Blind Boy, who is one of my favorite people to interview because he's such a lovely storyteller. And someone who is, when you speak to him, very, very emotionally in tune, the way he phrases it is, I'm a human being, and that means I'm not better than anyone else, and it means I'm not worse than anyone else. And that being a thought that all of us need to hold of like I am not better than you I am not worse than you and I think that that connects

back to resolutions and you know what makes a good one what makes a bad one and I think this is the case for whether it's something physical like forms of exercise or something practical or something emotional is at its heart am I being motivated or have I lost sight of the fact that I'm a human being It means I'm not better and it means I'm not worse than anyone. So I think if you're going to the gym to outrun feelings of worthlessness, it's going to take a different form.

Like, it's going to take a different form. You can change your body as much as you want. I don't think you're going to feel lovable or desirable. It's just going to shift onto something else. Like, you will never have the perfect body. You will never have the perfect face. And you know, why? It's because you do not look like me.

No, it's just, I joke, I joke. But like the perfect face and the perfect body doesn't exist. It's like, that's a treadmill. Like, that's literally a treadmill. You will never ever arrive at your destination. But if you can hold in your idea, an idea of progress and also an idea of like, I'm a human being, not better than anyone, I'm not worse than anyone.

I think that there's this irony, which is real change can only happen when you've accepted yourself. this is why it's how old by 30 30 years old this year in the last month finally I have made an

meaningful actual change in one of my longest rooted patterns when it comes to romantic interactions and it only happened in like the last few weeks because I think finally I accepted myself or at least accepted who I am right now my whole change oh it will change

this is another thing it's like we're constantly like we're going to optimise be the best versions of no you're going to obviously you're going to fucking change loads and that's going to be

exciting and fun and sometimes you'll be a bit shitter and something to be better whatever you're going to change but literally I say in the other week how I feel like

my sense of self is back and that I have a real grasp but I'm really like actually coming to tones with you know myself and parts of myself I've gone to therapy again these things are not coincidence

all of this has led to a major change and me actively choosing something that I've never chosen before. You know, when you were saying that thing of like, but obviously, you know, I'm going to go back to my old habits and stuff like that. I just, my stupid brain thought of the SpongeBob meme was like a few hours later. Well, I didn't mean old habits. I mean like, obviously I will change. There will be times when like, you know, I'll be doing other stuff. I don't even know if it's going back to old habits. I'll make new habits, new terrible habits. I think this is one of my

one of my things which I say to myself a lot, particularly when you find yourself repeating, you know, maybe something that you learned in childhood or a pattern that you saw with your parents or like something that you feel like is this horrible repeating motif. Is that I go, you know what?

My ambition is to have new problems. That should always be the ambition. Have new problems. And it feels you have to get so bored of it as well and you also have to recognise it. And also it helps if you, engage with people who have similar problems sometimes and you're like hang on what would I be telling them

what do I wish they would be doing to obviously make their lives better and you're like well why am I not doing that take your own fucking advice first start at home and it's really funny I've been engaging with a couple of people I'm dating at the moment I'm seeing people in different contexts whatever

and I just it's really useful for comparison about the way you react to people and all the cliches are true about this idea that the people you feel like safest with if you're someone who has historically like me maybe avoid tendencies or anxious whatever it doesn't matter like you've got a bit maladaptive attachment over there and you might think at first the person who feeds that

is the one who sets you off most and then so you'll be like actually no I feel anxious all the time with this situation and this one makes me feel calm and actually makes me do things where I feel like I'm getting better and that can be anything from you know reading a book to this

like there's a situation I've had where I'm like this makes me want to read books and go and do these nourishing things and this situation makes me want to sit on TikTok watching videos of our attachment theory which one? Which one would be the better situation for you and then you look at that and you're like God it's so obvious it's so obvious and that happens with friendships too

these friends make me feel amazing we need to get to problems but yeah we should move on to dilemmas but i think that there's something that you you the nail it's head yeah you have heated i think there's also a guide here for relationships and this is relationships of any kind like it could be romantic relationships friendships um friendships but anything where the two you know two or more of you are trying to change some kind of dynamic it really helps to build on where you're strong and to go okay what can we learn from these areas where we're we're really strong and how can we apply it to this thing which feels intractable or difficult

or painful or whatever like just a little tip make things easier on yourself make life easy on yourself and that's resolutions too right shall we deal with someone's problem how how does someone send in a problem okay well okay so you send in a problem by going to if i speak at Navaramedia.com and sending us an email. We also need to mention you don't you don't just have to send us problems. You can also buy stuff from us

because we are. You can also support this. Thank you so much. We're not just negative. We give back if you give us some money. For money. We would love you to support the podcast.

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The other way is, you can buy our merch. We have baguze, which are essentially tote bags. I'm going to be real with you. When we first got the baguze in, which say special one, I didn't know how much I was going to use it. I used this bag all the time. time. It's actually embarrassing. I take my podcast merch out with me to the shops when I'm going to a gallery on dates. On dates. Sometimes people like, I really like your bag and I have to be

like, I'm embarrassed because it's my merch. It's my merch. And yet the prospect of cringe is still not more powerful than me using this bag. I really like the bag. It's my go-to, my go-to groceries bag so it's a classic um so i wear crocs within a strict postcode radius um but a classic crox combination for me is crocs very thick socks and my special one bagu for the little trip to the shops when like you want to get your big milk and i need a big milk because my house make drinks an ungodly amount of milk. Like just like, godly amount. So much milk.

Dinner stuff. There's a shop near me which has really big spring onions and the bagu can hold them all. I'm not sure if I made it sound like an aspirational fashion item when I was like... Guys, don't worry. I wear it in a sexy way. I wear it a sexy way. Moya wears it in a sexy way. It can do everything.

You know, crocs and bleach stained tracts. Mackies can also be sexy. Maybe you should take your bagu out on your sexy days, Ash. Maybe the baggie wants to go on your sexy days. Maybe it deserves a bit of a sexy. I don't have any sexy days. No, no, no, no. Pressing the big red button which says you've got, you can do it all.

You've got range. Right. On two problems. And I think you're reading it out. On two problems. You're reading it out. Okay, great. By the way, if you have a problem, um, I did say that start.

It can probably be solved by buying a bagu. Um, but if you have a, if you have a, if you have a, different problem. You can send it to us by emailing if I speak at navarimedia.com. That's if I speak at navaramedia.com. I'm going to do some reading. Hi, Moia and Dash. I am a white cis straight man who works at an ostensibly progressive workplace that provides healthcare and other services for people with addictions, mental health, low income and homelessness issues. While the work is mostly just, I feel like sometimes some of my colleagues use their position in a workplace that provides progressive services as a position of un-newanced moral authority.

So, what I have been feeling extra sensitive to you lately and where my small dilemma lies are with regular comments made by some staff at work about how much they hate all men. Some examples include how all men are trash. Who invited the man to lunch? It's okay to make fun of someone because they are a man, etc. When I am around these comments, they are often followed up with, sorry, special one. Obviously, there are a fuck ton of trash men, and I don't want to run defence for the patriarchy. The reason why I say defence rather than defence there is that run defence is an Americanism.

So I'm saying it the American way. But I've been feeling extra sensitive to these types of comments lately. When these types of comments are made, I feel like I can't say anything to even bring up some of the nuance because I'll just be mocked. For example, when a colleague earnestly asked me why I didn't feel it was appropriate for me to comment on another colleague's breasts, I was heckled by the lunchroom as a mansplainer. A colleague took her pants off. Could be knickers, could be trousers, I'm not sure. There wasn't Americanism earlier, so maybe it's trousers.

But who knows? A colleague took her pants off to change in front of a group of co-workers. I wasn't there for this, but nothing was done. Someone said that out of all the men at work, she would give this one guy a blowjob. Again, nothing was done, even with two supervisors being present for that comment. I feel like I'm going crazy. I try really hard to be a good man. I regularly speak up against unhinged behaviour that happens in my workplace,

such as when our white-sist colleague in a position of power was calling herself a black day then, she told me to fuck off. I'm often correcting pronouns and have been the solo voice advocating to lift against what I felt to be an ablest client ban from our consumption and treatment site, but I still find myself regularly catching strays for just being there. My workplace can be unhinged a lot of the time, but the camaraderie is otherwise mostly good and I spend some of my free time doing things

with friends I've made at work and otherwise people, even those that make these types of comments can otherwise be nice. Am I just not all menning? Should I just suck it up and take these types of comments or should I say something? I don't even know what I would say if I were to. Thank you for your time reading my dilemma.

I look forward to the pod every Tuesday and really, really love the work you both do. Best special one. This is hard. It's so hard. This is a hard one. Because this is why I'm like, if we had a matriarchy, it's not going to be fucking better than a patriarchy

because both these systems about power. And it's about just equipping one gender with more power than the other. So it's all about domination. And you seem to be in a matriarchal workplace where everyone's behaving poorly because they can. I think what's happening here is a mix of several things.

I would love to know why you're feeling extra sensitive to these comments at the moment. I think they're bad comments. I think the dynamic of your workplace seems unhinged, but often they are in these sort of like services. They often just end up being quite an unhinged place where bad behaviour happens more than you think. and what seems to also be happening here is the odd effect you get when a group is told that by dint of being marginalised in some way

that they are therefore exempt from ever being harmful or offensive or they internalise the idea that everything they do is allowed because they exist under a form of a structural oppression um and that is of course not how it works that's not how it works uh i don't really know what to do about your problem because i'm like just leave but that's avoidance talking and i don't think you're not i don't think you're just not all melling i think there's an element of that and there's also got to be the space to understand that these people are pushing back against what they feel is as i said structure oppression in a way that is petty and um um

ugly to see, but still nonetheless, they would argue that's probably where it's coming from the feeling of powerlessness, even though they have power. They're not perceiving their power they have within this situation, even on a wider scale, they don't have power. But you don't even know what you'd say. That's the thing. There's just a feeling of a grievance. And that's where I'm like, we need to understand why these comments are hitting particularly hard at the moment, I think, first before you'd even know how to approach tackling them or confronting them. yeah um so obviously this is something which i'm generally interested in um and i wrote a book about um but like generally interested in what happens when social capital is attached to marginalized identities

and how that can also combine with people feeling morally righteous about what it is they do now i think it's good to feel morally motivated to do what you do. I think that's a good thing. But as always, there are good and bad things about cultivating a particular sense of self. And when people feel both morally righteous about what it is they do, and morally righteous by virtue of their identity, which is something that they have not chosen for themselves, in most cases, apart from your you know white cis manager who decided that they were black um but like you know for the most part you don't choose that about yourself i think that that can be something which is very toxic i think that it comes from wanting to correct for feelings of powerlessness um in general

as part of society but we can have maladapted responses to you know real material pressures um it doesn't mean that you know misogyny isn't real racism isn't real transphobia homophobia abelism these things aren't real it just means that every response that you have to it isn't necessarily right or emotionally healthy especially if if we know this from just kind of basic psychology truisms like hurt people hurt people we need to be able to hold that when we're thinking about political cultures as well. So just to say, obviously, we're only hearing this from your point of view. Maybe you're a deeply unreasonable and unlikable person. Doesn't come across like that from your letter. Maybe that's really the case. But if I'm to take you at your word, I can totally see

how this particular workplace, and particularly if you are based in the States, which I feel perhaps some of the context clues are indicating. But it does also happen in this country. But in the States, I mean, like liberal idpol is wild. like wild, some of the shit I've seen and heard. Like, it's on a whole other level. What do you do about it? I think practically it's really hard if you have none of the

socially authoritative identity traits. You know, it's really hard for you to be the person who raises this. I mean, this is also a big reason why I decided that it was useful for me to criticize identity politics from the left it was useful for a brown Muslim woman to do it because I had more social permission I could get more of a hearing to do it and people couldn't

I mean some people tried some people tried to say it's because I was white adjacent and I was like what? pitch when? But like you know it's harder to dismiss me on the basis of my identity So I think my practical advice would be maybe look out for some allies

because perhaps not everyone is comfortable with this. Perhaps not everyone thinks this is okay. Look for some allies and first see how they're feeling. And maybe it's the case that it's someone who is a person of colour or someone who isn't a man who can also with humour interject with some of these things. You know, it doesn't have to be a big serious confrontation. but when they do that you know you can back them up a little bit and that's how it can work socially but yeah just from a practical viewpoint it is

really hard if you are a white cisgender straight man and you're going to be dismissed on that basis to be the one who raises that stuff so difficult situation sticky one still sticky one still is a perfect way to end this episode we've been sticky you guys are still. Right. See you next week. Bye. Bye.