If I Were You - 01: A New Hope/Podcast/Car

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

We're back! The debut of our new show "Segments" -- Five different parts, one amazing episode.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgema original. J. Can't Amir, two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010 they were big on the internet But then three bail pilots Two rejected movie scripts One last ditch ever To try and stop the career of going to shit. Second, another podcast.

Each app different from the last. Second, it's the Swiss Army Nightbook show. Meet your two pathetic hosts. Second, two pathetic holes Say it! Two pathetic holes, here we go! Kicking it off right! Hi, welcome to Sagittariusville! Oh, kush!

I feel it today though! It took like five months off! Nice fucking start from square months! On the wrong foot! Yeah, and you've done a lot of podcasts, too! Yeah! And I've done a few myself with the Heidegan podcast. That's true, but we haven't done a show together since May.

Right. Except for Patreon, obviously. Oh, no, yes, of course, there was always the paywall. Yeah, the getting was good. Taking time off was a farce. We have not ever actually taken a week off. No, no, no. There is just one to get paid for that break.

But a week off has never, ever happened for a since 2008, earlier than that. Really, yeah. Six. Six to seven for sure. Okay. And every break was sort of preceded by a batch recording to make sure that we were in the deficit slash red.

Yeah. I mean, our job is easy. It's absolutely easy. So easy we could do it forever and ever without a break. Yeah, we can batch. Yes, we can batch. Real jobs can't batch. Right, you can't batch.

You can't batch doctor. No, no, yeah. You cannot batch this week. And then if somebody gets sick next week, I'll have seen them all ready. You can't batch. That No. No. Yeah. You can't see everybody this week. And then if somebody gets sick next week, I'll have seen them already. Right. You can't batch. That's an emergency bank. No, you can't bank a banker. No. No, a banker can't bank. You have to be there nine to five. Exactly. I have to be there nine to five. But then I can take the rest of nine to five off for that month. Yes, I can work three nine to five. And then the rest of the nine to five are a sort of chill zone for me. It's good to be back. It's 10 to three. Honestly nine to five seems a little

extreme. It's good to be batch, I should say. It's really good. It's good to be bank. It's good to make bank and be batch. Let's take a break. Let's do that. Let's take a break. Yeah. Because we do. We are in the deficit adwise. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, because we did. We are in the deficit ad wise. Yeah, yes. Oh yeah, we also were releasing previously pay-walled content during the crisis. Yes, of course.

We were not gone. We were not gone, anyone. Gone, but yes, we were not gone, but we were forgotten, right, which is the worst of both gone and forgotten. Yeah, we were here and also people didn't care. Yeah, right, but now we're back to, to deafening silence instead of thunderous applause. The audience went mild. As I was with child.

You are with child. Okay, wait. There's too much to get to. All right. So, right. So actually, this is, we are three minutes in. Let's explain what the news show is. Because mostly we were explaining production for everybody.

We are back with the new show. And a new theme song, that was very smart. It was shout out to Ferris. The concept is that every single episode is five brand new segments. Yeah, we're trying to keep it new and fresh so much so that week to week it's a completely new thing. Yeah. So five segments every single week.

Sometimes they might recur if we like something or if they like something. Or yes, so as always, yeah. We wanna hear from you. Yeah, we wanna hear from the fans, let us know what's good, what should stick around, and that could become a recurring segment or a semi-recurring segment.

But then sometimes we might have one offs too. But basically five segments every single week. Basically, every time we try to think about a new podcast, we're like, that's good, but we don't want to do that every week. Right. Exactly. Like, oh, talking about this is fun, but like, what are we going to do that every week? You know, because we had the experience of doing a podcast for, you know, nearly 10 years.

We milled that. Yeah. Yeah. How dry. Could we do this? Oh, this is good, but can I do it for as long as we did if I were you? The answer is no. We couldn't do if I were you for as long as we did if I were you. We beat the dead horse.

Right. Until it was completely gone. There was no point in beating the dead horse. Oh, dry. Right. It's hitting a skeleton. So now we have a fresh new pony to ride. Correct.

First segment is catching up and explaining the show. So the show has been explained. And yeah, let's catch up to life updates. What do you say? I had a wedding you had a kid oh Did I tell you I ended up owning the car that I was leasing you leased to own Whatever Maserati Very nice it was kind of interesting so I was able to convert the lease opportunity into a more of a pre-owned vehicle.

That's incredible. So that I shifted my payments. Well, they got you, so you walked in the price. You walked in the price. Now the payment is the same. Exactly. And then out the tax right off. Excuse me.

The tax right off. And it's a lot of confusion. Because it's the depreciation. It's the asset. You're writing up the depreciation versus the actual payment. And then I'll be able to sort of sell the cars, use vehicle for the first time in my life. Very nice.

Of course, the cons are every time something goes wrong. Now I'm on the hook. You are on the hook. I am actually, do still take you at the dealership, but it's not treated with kindness-slash reverence. They think I was a nasty boy for taking their car. They wanted to buy it back. Right, they probably made you an offer,

because you had that. And I didn't refuse. They made me an offer. I could refuse. Easily. It was a bad offer. It was a bad offer. It was a bad offer.

Very good. I actually had a baby, but then also we had a RAV4. Tell me about the Toyota. Yeah, so I had had a RAV4. Tell them about Toyota. Yeah, so I had the for runner. The lease ran up, I said, I'm having a baby. Having a kid. I'm having a baby. And I do want to hear about the kid,

but how did you come up? I'm a lovely little lady. So I was like, I- You have a picture of the car? Yeah. Oh my God, she's cute. RAV4, I wanted the hybrid. I wanted the hybrid.

I thought it was the responsible thing to do. I, because you can't go full electric. It's not practical. Yeah, I couldn't do it. Not in the city, not in New York. There's not enough charging stations. I street park, okay. I don't want them to do there.

So, so yeah, I, so I trade in the forerunner, get a great deal. Great deal. Because I had, I've got that car December 2020. And you lock in that rate to purchase that car purchased that card. It was December 2019. So it was pre-COVID rates. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they paid me cash for that card. That car appreciated in value. Which never happened. It does not happen. No, that was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a good thing. But you get the Army Green TRD Pro that's gonna happen for you. Kelly Blue Book. Kelly Blue Book Value 36K.

Yay! Oh my God. But you locked it in at what? I locked it in a 32 purchase price. Of course. Of course. Of course you did. Why wouldn't you have to lock that in?

You negotiate that price. Is Gemma sweet to have as well? Yeah, and I'll tell you what the... You like to go. The RAV 4 excuse me, the Rapp 4. It didn't have the legroom for Gemma's car seat because we have the upper base. It didn't have the legroom for Gemma. It's that tight.

That tight tight tight. Yeah, that hurts. She wanted the Rapp 4. She wanted, she wanted the four runner excuse me. She wanted the four runner because she needs that extra space. We need the trunk space to break down the stroller because you have the stroller system, the upper baby stroller system. The upper baby stroller system. Yeah, that's got the car seat to go into the actual, you know, the wheel, the push part.

Yes, and it has all these different compartments. You have the classic stroller, you have the car seat, you have the bassinet, you can just click them all in and out. Boom, boom, boom. But you got to put that in the trunk. And the rap for it just didn't have the space. It didn't have the space. It didn't have the space.

It couldn't have the space. No, it's a smaller S&B. So anyway, yeah, you're married. How does that feel? You're wearing a ring. Yeah, it's true. You were going to do that. Yeah, it's nice.

I drove the car there probably 11, 1130. I was able to fill in the bass the night before. Yeah, it're sure you were gonna do that. Yeah, it's nice. I drove the car there probably 11 11 30 I was able to fill it last the night before yeah It's just to make sure like I don't want any other stresses that day right you're on day whatever went off And it was the highs and lows of getting married right right. I leave the estate. Yeah, I had a pothole I'm like oh is this what I'm in for do Do you have roadside protection? Because now you're not leasing. So I ended up getting triple A last year, because I provided a discount on a hotel that outweighed the cost of the actual service.

Incredible. Now I have the triple A, and I'll tell you the most of the most on roadside assistance. What's the annoying part about triple A? The letters they send you every week, it's like, here's a new thing that you can get out of. You can go paper list. I wanna go paper list, but like,

but I can't find out. You can go to the time I find out. Can I see your triple A app? Do you have the app? Do you have the app? Do you have the triple, sorry, do you have the triple A app? A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A You should really download that app. That's cool. You should download that app. And it was so fun to catch up on everything. That's an example of like one of our first segments. Right.

So now that we're caught up and the audience is caught up as well, we can do a complete pivot to segment number two. And this is the closing of that segment, which we always, we always be with the kids. And I'm like, it's so if you guys are watching online, Jake and I will rub rub those for 30 seconds. All right, we should imagine this is if we're recording in studio in person for the first time in several months too.

I haven't seen you since I went home to get a rap for or to the baby plus the car. Yes, and I haven't seen you in a car for wedding plus the car situation. Yeah, at least the conversion to the owner. Amazing. I'm a used car owner. And this segment is closed.

It's time for the second segment, folks. And that is something we have to figure out sort of as a transition along the transition. I kind of like the idea of like a logo flying to the center, like segments, like that part of the chorus. Yeah, by the time you hear this, because we're recording this before the show comes out, obviously. We have to bank, we have to batch. That's why you chorus, yeah, by the time you hear this, because we're recording this before the show comes out obviously. We have to bank, we have to bank.

That's why you see this logo, this is just the generic headgun logo. We haven't even figured out the audio. We don't know what the logo is, yes exactly. But we didn't have a lot of time, I feel like we only had like five or six months since the other show ended. Yeah, but we can't work unless there's an imminent deadline, so we didn't really get cracking until we got to the extra set. That's good. So this is a segment. By the way, we're talking about a show of Sigmania. That's right.

So, sound off in the comments if you think Sigmania is better and we will change it for next episode. Yeah, which is hard because the next episode we're recording in an hour also before the show. Right. So actually for episode three it will be different. And we'll rerecord the theme song obviously. We have to. Okay. So, this segment is, it'll be different. And we'll rerecord the theme song, obviously. We have to.

Okay, so this segment is called poetry or noetry. That's right. Would you care to explain it? I believe you thought of this one. So this one is sort of a little light-hearted job towards Jake's love of the spoken word. The written word. The written word.

Jake loves poetry. I do love poetry. I love poetry. There are a lot of poems that will actually bring me to tears. And not just like, oh, my eyes wet, but like, pretty. Pretty tears streaming, yeah. Yeah. Essentially, even short of breath sometimes.

Wow, like hyperventilating a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Are you reading On a treadmill or just completely from stasis you're on a couch and then within three minutes you're like, I'm on a treadmill be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that.

I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that.

I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm like emotional, I was emotional before, but like yesterday,

Jill and I were watching the baby like try to fall asleep. We're doing that thing where, you know, they cry until they fall asleep essentially. And we're doing like a middle ground where you're allowed to check on them sometimes. But she's crying, she's crying, she's trying to go to sleep. She goes to bed, she wakes up an hour or two later. She starts crying. We're just like watching it. It's like, all right, well, we have five minutes and then we go in to try to like relax there. That could be a good segment, by the way.

Yeah, five minutes of my baby crying. But she's crying. She's crying. She puts her finger in her mouth and then she kind of just goes back to sleep. And Jill and I both just burst into tears. Really? We both just cry crying our eyes out. Because you don't have to go in

or because she's just like, because it's just, it's just, she looks so fucking, it's so hard. She's like struggling. And then she just like looks peaceful. And you're just like, I want to fucking go in and give you a hug and say amazing job. You got yourself back to sleep.

The bar is so huge. Yeah, she just has to go back to sleep. She does anything highly. I'm pretty sure. Yeah, when I, she smiles and I, have me when I wake up, I could cry. What is the gas mileage on the rap for? So the rap for was incredible.

50, 50 miles to the giveaway. Yeah, I mean, it was amazing. I could cry. The forerunner that I traded in for, 18. That's not huge. That's not huge. That's not huge. Well, it really is. No, no, no, no.

But I don't care. Okay, so the, the stick is Jake Loves Poems. I think I'm sort of like, hey, my four year old can do that. Yeah. So I'm going to read you a few poems. Okay. Oh, a few. Yeah, yeah, I think I've got three.

Two of them are real poems and one of them's fake, which means I wrote it. Right. They're all real poems, but I like to call the one I wrote a fake poem. This segment is actually just, you tried to write poetry. In a world where you don't think poetry sucks, it's like I did my best to write a poem. Right. And my goal, of course, is to convince you that the one I farted out on the shitter

is just as good as an award-winning poem. Oh, so these all won awards. So it's not like you just, because you could have also just found, you know, two bad poems. That's correct. These are award-winning poems. Award-winning poems by people who dedicate their lives to poetry and then other the judges.

These judges thought, you know what, this is actually good enough. The poet and laureate of Kansas. Correct. And then me on a notes app, getting high as as shit saying maybe Jake will like this. I said when we were coming up with this idea, the funniest result is me like, you find out that I'm an amazing poet. Right. You're crying at my.

Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I?

Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I?

Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I? I've been trying to write poems for a decade. I've been able to do what you did. Okay, first one. It's called the last leaf before winter. Okay. Any inclination so far, you're sort of keeping your heart in mind open. I'm keeping everything open. Okay, okay. September will never come.

She said crop circles in her eyes, looking deeply and falling. Back to earth when she looks forward. The cigarette butt touches the ground. It's the cancer he said. She smiled and tipped the man, then laughed all the way home. Wow. I don't know if you can zoom in, but my eyes did get misty.

Okay, okay, okay. Okay. I'm gonna, I'll guess it. You don't have if you can do me but my eyes did get misty. Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Um, I'm gonna, I'll guess it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No chance you wrote that part. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Let's find out together That poem Are you an amazing poem? No yet. Oh my god Okay, this one's called Sadie Sadie. Yep We are until we are not I should say the pauses are line breaks. Yeah, cuz I don't want I want you to sort of visualize it We are until we are not. I should say the pauses are line breaks. Yeah, because I don't want, I want you to sort of visualize it.

We are until we are not. Quarter parts divided between three generations. Mix and matched, but mostly, Sadie. Okay. That one, you're considering that I could have written. Yeah, that one wasn't for me, and it was math and division based, kind of like a fraction thing.

Yeah. So I think it's you. Okay. Let's do the last one. Last one's a high coup. Okay. That one's a high coup by you. It's called muse. Nice.

Nice hard crime. It's hard crime. It's called muse. Nice. Sorry, crack. You are transparent fading through the lines of my battered poetry. Okay. It seems like you're leading to one of the last two. Yeah.

I think you wrote the Sadie one. Sadie one. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I think you wrote the Sadea one. Sadea one, yeah. Okay. So the first one was called last leaf before winter. Yeah. And I'll tell you the reason I didn't think you wrote... Well, one, it basically made me cry. Yep.

And the crop circles. It's the crop circles. I think that's like a really common poetry thing that I don't think you would have come up with. But now you have to tell me if you wrote that poem. That poem was written by Jessica Bertz. Great. Gwyneth Technical College, Lawrenceville, Georgia.

An amazing poem. Congrats. You knew right away. Yeah. I mean, that's a poem. It's a poem. Yeah. The other two.

Give or take. A high coup is just never for me. Yeah. So you were, you were doomed as soon as you chose a high coup. Okay, I'll, I'll, let's read the high coup again. And then you'll be able to see which one was some me. Mews. You are transparent fading through the lines of my battered poetry was written by Tiffany

Carlson and yes, I did write say Yeah, let's read your phone one more time Tell you why I don't want a fucking saying anything just in case Jessica wrote that It's kind of amazing. Poms are really just move can you they can move you yeah, and I can't quite harness the power yet This is the one I want to try again, of course. It's like the game boulder dash, but with poetry instead of the definitions of words.

Sadie was... Sadie by Mayor Blumentfeld, 2023. We are until we are not. That's pretty solid, meaningless sort of. Yeah. Quarter parts divided by three generations. Like we're all a quarter of all of our grandparents of grandparents, grandparents grandparents are here.

That's what diff'd the fractions. Sorry, I think crop circles divided by nine. Crop circles and cigarette butts, all right. Mixed and matched, but mostly saty. Like, I'm like my grandmother at the most, I guess. Okay. Did you like it at all? Or like, I mean, I'm gonna take notes. The first time was interesting. It fell apart moving through it.

And then you tried to just like, you know, make it a poem at the end, say to you. Yeah. You gotta come up with a name I would never say. Yeah. So what did you like about last leaf before winter? What did you get from that? Because I read it, I'm like, this is meaningless to me. I guess I feel like poetry that I really like is just like very

almost mundane slice of life then stabbed you with some poignancy. It's cancer, he said. She smiled and tipped the man, then laughed all the way home. Yeah. Um, I guess I couldn't even tell in that poem if it was her cancer or his cancer. I guess I think it's her cancer and she's laughing because life is so fleeting and beautiful. It's cancer, he said.

That's the doctor diagnosing, right? And then she laughs all the way home. Don't read it, it's actually mine. All right, is that what you want to hear? Okay, September will never come. She said crop circles in her eyes. So I guess she's saying that she's gonna die before the fall. Looking deeply and falling back to earth. She looks forward the cigarette butt touches the ground. So she's got lung cancer. It's cancer. He said she smiled and tipped the man. You't know, you wouldn't tip a doctor, but I think maybe she's tipping like a parking garage attendant or somebody.

I imagined it being at the diner, because that's just Americana poetry. Diner, diner five, drive and through the fucking hay fields of Iowa, then laughed all the way home. Yeah, because you have to, if you don't laugh, you cry. You know? He did both. It's Grape home.

Grape home. I'm glad you guys were here to listen to it. Yes, I wanna try that again. Give me another fucking crack of the bat. I would love that. Thank you to see the thing is for sponsoring this episode of our show. That's right, our podcast is being sponsored

by another podcast. Wow, what a time to be alive. See the thing is, is a podcast hosted by Grammy award-winning R&B artist Bridget Kelly and media personality and podcast trailblazer. Mandy B, twice a week, Bridget and Mandy have very funny, fun, interesting, informative conversations about political things, pop culture things.

They talk about relationships between themselves and other people. They're not afraid to get controversial, but it's always very fun and funny, and their opinions on the show are real and brought to you by not only themselves, but guests that they like to call their friends with benefits. So if you're interested in hearing them talk

to Big Frida, Remi, Ma Ma, perhaps Chloe Bailey, check them out. It's see the thing is, which you can follow and subscribe to on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or on YouTube. They got new episodes every Tuesday and Friday, and video episodes on their YouTube on Wednesday and Saturday. So check them out. It's see the thing is. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Gosh, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace for the past 10 years, and they've only gotten better. You can pretty much build an amazingly professional looking if it's an online portfolio, or maybe a website for somebody else, a website for an event you have coming up, you have something that you want to sell, you want email campaigns, blogging tools, 24-7 award-winning customer support, you can do it all through Squarespace and it's so simple, even Jake figured it out. That's right, and I can make fun of them because he's not here to defend himself. Actually not here to defend himself.com, it's probably available if you want to buy that

URL. Or maybe you could buy the URL of a new baby in your life. Somebody has a child. Actually, I made it. I'm going to do that for Jake's child. Okay. Scrap that. I'm going to steal that one and hold it accountable for later.

I'm going to do that. But if there's somebody else's name in your life, you want to buy that.com. You can do it all through Squarespace. And if you go to Squarespace.com slash, if I were you, you can launch a trial for free. And when you're ready to pull the trigger and launch that website for real, just use that promo code, if I were you to save 10%, you can save 10% off their already low low prices. If you just go to that squ space.com slash if I were you

Mess around check out that free trial and then when you're ready to launch just use that promo code if I were you Sounds good. I thought so You're gonna have to build a website soon enough and when you do just remember square space. Thanks square space Welcome to the segment we're calling Sketch 101. Sketch 101. Pivoting entirely. Although not entirely because I guess this one's also about writing. Right.

So we're going to try to write a Jacob and Amir sketch live right here in the next 10 minutes. Yeah. I found a website called randomwordgenerator.com. I'm going to generate three random words. Okay. I called random word generator.com. I'm gonna generate three random words. And we'll choose which one we feel like is the most apropos for a jaken of mirrors.

Sounds like the title of an episode. Right, because most of our titles were jaken of mirror now. Yeah. Okay. The three words that I generated random. Sorry, you really didn't like my poem at all. It's 80?

Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to go back. It's 80. Oh, wait, wait. I'm not supposed to go back to the other segments yet. Three fractions divided by quarters and parts. Mixed and matched, a matri-seize of ancestries. Actually, really. Yeah. I could write a poem you would like. Wirtle was the day of the day.

She got it all wrong. Yellow, yellow, green, blue, black, on sea. Did I mention I have cancer? Crop circles in her eyes. That's beautiful. That's fine. It puts you in a place. Crop circles were picturing a fields.

You know, we're picturing corn. As far as the eye you know, we're picturing corn as far as the eye can see. We're picturing that driving across the great plains of Kansas. Excuse me. And the Crop circles, they're also the rings and the bags under. Yeah. It's really beautiful. Jakenimier, Reck, Jakenimier, calm, calm, or take in a mere loyalty. REC is pretty good because it's like something terrible happened.

Yeah, WRECK, right? Yeah, exactly. I just, I couldn't help myself. I generated three more random words. I'll zoom. Jakin' a mere weak. Jakin' a mere zone. That's pretty good.

Which I feel like almost is one already. And Jakin' me are deputy. Okay. All right, I like zone or deputy now more. Right, me too. So zone could be like, you're asking me to do something, and I say, can you not talk to me when I'm in the zone?

Yeah. And you're confused. Right, and deputy is kind of like, I come into work and you are sitting on my side of the desk, and you're like. And deputy is kind of like, I come into work and you are sitting on my side of the desk, you're like my sidekick. That's good, like I'm chewing on hay and I have a sheriff's thing. Right, we're trying to get somebody in trouble.

Zone, I feel like zone is kind of, is nice because I like the one where you're, I like the ones where you're kind of like trying to be motivational too. Right, it's like, it's only like, what was that episode where I'm like, it's giving you like a, it's what you're kind of like trying to be motivational too. Right. It's like, it's all in the back. What was that episode where I'm like, it's giving you like a, it's, you're on like Twitter. It's only when you have that, that, that joy that you can be true zone. Right.

So I come in and you're like, Hey, let's, let's have a big day today. Let's get in the zone. And you're trying to get me to do some more self help. Yeah. Or is it or is it more like you're coming in and then you don't say anything and I go Can you not until I'm out of the zone and then you go? Sorry, you're like just don't talk to me until I'm out of the zone Okay, what if I come in and I say good morning to like street or city behind you? That's good morning But can you not talk to me when I'm in the zone? Yeah, that's good. Right.

Like I read a self-help book and it went, hey, why aren't my head? Okay, so I come in, I say good morning to someone behind you. You say, can you not talk to me while I'm in the zone? I say, I wasn't talking to you. I say, what are you doing now? That's good, yeah, what are you doing? I'm not in a conversation. Who'd you just say that to?

Did you say, I wasn't talking to you. Also to Marie Curr, did you say that to me? You were speaking to, and now you're speaking to me. And I am in the zone. Doesn't sound like you're in the zone anymore. Exactly right. I wasn't the zone. And I don't completely out of it.

I'm gone from the zone. And then you can start out. I'm gonna go and solve that. That is. All right. Fine, sorry. Yeah. Sit it down, yeah.

Stop talking. The zone's actually pretty important. I get the most work done when I'm in the zone. Right. And can you not talk to me? I didn't say anything. And now? And then you sort of, it slowly comes out that the zone is like,

I'm doing self-help and all I have to do is snort at her all and put myself in like a meditative room. All right, so it's mostly the pills that you got. And I say, by the way, what are you working on? You showed me your laptop and it's like, Michelangelo of Asquiporn. I made this. It's, I guess honestly really impressive,

but not well by copying and pasting other ask-y point. Purtinent. Okay, not impressive. I added there. Do this once, so they ask me. The trick is to use at symbols for the pubes. It's something like that. I feel like we did.

It's hard to say which one's homogen, which one is just us slightly remembering incorrectly old episodes. Yeah. Alright, so now we need the turn. Yes. Because every episode need the turn. Because every episode has the turn. Well, the turn could be that the fact that you realize

that the zone is just me snorting out at all. Right. And it's like, it's not actually like a mental thing that I'm getting into. Right. All I have to do is take these little pills. And that will start to think about like a single word over and over.

Now I'm like, I feel like I'm in the zone already. And I haven't even thought about it yet. You're high, man. Yeah, my psychiatrist slash drug dealer, slash zone instructor taught me about this pill. Yeah, but then the turn would be, Marika's your dealer. Yes, somebody or the zone actually turns out

to be really impactful. Right, and you're like, okay, maybe you should be on drugs. Like maybe this whole thing, this whole time I should have just been medicated. Right. It's just needed, you needed riddling. Yeah. It's sort of what I thought about the Joker movie.

I'm like, is he a super villain or is he just an unmedicated, unwell, meant person? So I accidentally take drugs that turn me in. You're like, don't do that, don't do that. And I like, do take this pill. And I'm like, yeah. All right, I actually feel really calm right now. You're like, oh. And then you start plugging away on your computer. Yeah. This is insane. You're not talking to me. I'm in the zone, I know. Wow. So I guess all you needed was some like attention deficit disorder medication. Yeah, it feels like there's not really a punch there at the end. Yeah, we need

a twist at the end. Yeah. Like the thing that I was actually working on was very helpful. Oh, I guess that's the twist. So then you take it, we think, oh my God, maybe you just need it to be medicated. And then you turn it around and it's like a manifesto. Exactly. I wrote an 18 page scroll. Yeah, God, even your productive self is really self-harmed. I think I'm done. You print this for me? This is a scroll top 10, widest pussy's to have.

To have. It's actually the last leaf before whatever poem. That was good too. A call back to this podcast was in the episode. It's perfect. We're 80% of the way there. Yeah, the rest of it. The rest of it writes itself.

Yes, this is close enough to shoot as of now. And then we'll figure out the rest on the next one. Yeah, what usually we do is we write one draft, two draft, say we'll work on it later. Before we shoot and then we print it out and work on it as we shoot. The worst is when we get to the end of the script, we were like, oh, this is like ending to come. There's no ending here. Now we have to think of one on the day,

we just usually force out or ask the camera guys to stop. Yeah, well, we think of what. And then we sit there and then we eventually just find one more reality. Yeah, how do I yell at the end? How do I raise my voice? Yeah, and then we can cut right there. Right.

All right, that was a solid segment slash episode. DIMTION! All right, this one is called Order History. Oh! Okay. So you and I, we're going to search our email for the word confirmation and basically talk about the last thing that we ordered. That we shipped.

Yeah. All right. and basically talk about the last thing that we ordered. That we shipped. Yeah. All right. Let's see what I got. Confirmation. Oh, it's my little nephews confirmation this weekend. Basically, that's a invitation. That doesn't count. Okay.

All right. Oh, mine's pretty fun. And it's something I have to return. Really? Yeah. Mine is also something, a confirmation that I got back. I returned. Oh, okay.

All right. So mine is a portable power bank, because as we spoke, my wedding was last weekend. Yes. And Casey, who's in the room right now, shout out to our producer, Casey. Shout out to our producer Casey shout out to you I Asked him if he was able to shoot our entire wedding on VHS right and it took a while to find a VHS camera I ended up finding one from our photographer who also had a VHS camera But the these technologies are so old that they don't even have batteries anymore

You have to like plug it into a wall, but you can't be beholden to a wall, so you plug it into a portable power bank. So Casey had to not only hold that heavy camera, but he had a backpack with this power bank, not even this one, because we already had two others. That was plugged into the camera. Why did you get a power bank?

What's that? Why did you get all of these power banks? Because one of them potentially didn't charge, so I got a backup one, and then the backup one became the main one, because the first one couldn't charge. And then I got a third one in case the first one was just completely dead. But then you said the first one started charging again.

The first one started charging. Just we don't know. But I used two power banks. Wow, all the way through. One and a half. Wow. You know, we got more than we thought we would. Yes, yeah.

So it's good that we have the extra. But now I have a third one. I have a third Did you get? Or did you get over it was one tape those two hours and then I went on to a second tape So there's like I'd say about two hours 15 minutes. Wow Wow And I was just like just scanning through like this is amazing because it's like stuff that I wasn't privy to or like some stuff That I'm in but I saw it from a new ankle. Also like a bunch of people were like,

you know a case he's like in a tree right now, like shooting this, like getting like a cinematic angle of the horror, or like hiding behind a bush, like you really like took it so seriously, it wasn't just like, I'm in front of you. Yeah. It's like, it really, I mean, it looks like home movies. It's like watching is just nostalgic.

It's beautiful. Yeah. We should have a segment where we're like a business together or something. I don't know, like, we're shooting your wedding. Yeah, or I don't know, maybe Jake Schwartz. He doesn't really, he doesn't need you. Huh? He doesn't need you.

Because he has the power bank. He actually has two power bank. I have the power, the third one that I've been to. But he can get the power bank. He's the cinematographer. Yeah. He has all of the technical know-how, all of the skill. He has the camera. Yeah.

He knows what he's doing. He knows what he's making. What do you add aside from you told him once, oh, hey, we should do a wedding on VHS. I was the idea man, specifically after that. I'm in the marketing engine. The marketing engine? I put my entire tape online as a fucking commercial. As a fuck you.

And I'm Casey now. And I will destroy this tape right now so that you have a full book. As a segment, watch some of your weddings up top. Yes. Time to watch it. First and foremost, I haven't seen any video. No, it's great, it's a great idea.

How did it feel like for you, holding the camera around? Did you feel like voyeuristic? Do you feel like part of the party? I felt voyeuristic for sure. I felt very like, most people didn't know me at the wedding. Yeah. And we're looking at me like, who is this guy? He's the friend, this camera 40 years old.

That any like 72 year old is really? This guy was chasing OJ and then I didn't know. I did make a night crawler joke. Like Casey was then gonna like go cause an accident on the 405 and take a video of it. Did any like 73 year old Israeli like come up and compliment you or ask you what the hell you were doing? There were a few people who were like,

you know I used to have a camera like that. Yeah, that's awesome, very nice. Yeah, that's my last purchase. Okay, mine was a vacation to the Dominican Republic. And you returned it. I canceled the trip. So how do you buy a vacation? Well, I just heard a confirmation. Okay, so I got the confirmation of Me and Jill's trip to the Dominican Colleys in Costa Rica. Oh, not the Dominican Republic. Excuse me. Yeah. Costa Rica. Okay. Yeah. We're that now it makes sense. Yeah. So we're gonna go to Costa Rica over Christmas. Uh-huh. I

Sometimes you know like how it's tough to get people to go on a group vacation. Correct. I did this a few years ago, and I've been doing it ever since. I just will get a house and then ask people to go. Rather than being there. We should go on a weekend. No, which ones can you go on? Which then it all falls apart. Yeah.

So I just- I have a house. I have a house. These are the days. On thousand dollars and you can be there for a break or something. Yeah. Do you want to come? So, did that. We invited some friends. We invited my brother. And then I started planning the other aspects of the trip. I had the courage to do this because I knew that I could cancel it up up until October 29th. It's fun to hear this story knowing that

you've canceled the trip. Yeah. So I got the house. I got the fucking house. I was like, this is awesome. Locked and loaded around to some friends. And people were getting excited. Mike is like, yeah, I'm down. Or this is gonna be awesome. Yeah, adventure. It's like, where people go to learn to surf. There's just like very friendly way of some like,

this is a surf trip, it's gonna be great. Great weather. In the beautiful house. Yeah, Jill's gonna be there with the baby. We're gonna get some fresh fruits. Gonna be just really classy little trips, the beautiful trip. Then I find, did you bring Casey actually? You should the whole thing. Are you down to go? I can get the house back and un-cancel. There's a re-subscribe button.

So I found out you you fly into San Jose and then it's a three hour drive to the house. And I was like, yeah, it's pushing it with, you know, the baby will be like seven months old at that point. That's not ideal to take a flight into a car. Then to a three hour drive. And then I find out that there's actually no way of getting to Costa Rica direct from New York City. Layover, like, in Houston. There's always a layover. There's like one jet blue flight that flies there, but leaves at 5 p.m. and gets there at like 11 p.m. then it's a three hour drive. So like to get there with the layover, I was going to need to take like a 6 a.m. flight

from Newark with the child, with the layover. And then I got a message from the host being like, we're going to meet you at the bottom of the hill, right? You have to rent a car that's a four by four because it's like a 15 minute drive through these muddy hills to get to the top of the mountain Where the house is and if you're a single guy like that's awesome Right if I was going with Micah great, but I'm like, okay, I am I've convinced Jill to go on basically a surf vacation By telling her the house is really nice and the baby will have a great time.

And now I know that the baby will have a bad time. So everyone but me would have a bad time. So I mean, you'd have a bad time. Yeah, and I was like, if I'm finally getting stressed about this trip, if I'm stressed, that means everybody else is like, absolutely past their breaking point. Because I have a high stress threshold.

I'm like, I could be driving up this muddy hill in the rain at 12, 30 and be like, damn, this is an adventure. Meanwhile, like Jill's, I remember it's not happy about it. When we drove to Nantucket with the baby, baby's three months old. So it was kind of crazy just like how, a matter of like weeks, the baby just becomes,

and just becomes like so much more portable. When she was three months old, she was very tough to transport. Not unlike the VHS camera. Yeah, exactly. It was a power bank situation. But like we're driving a Nantucket in like,

stand still traffic, the baby's starting to cry, and we have to get over this bridge. And I'm like, I can get off this exit, or we can get over the bridge. Like, let's get over the bridge, but then we're in bridge traffic for like 25 minutes. Drop, start crying baby. Baby is screaming, Jill is in back seat,

trying to sing to the baby. To try to get her to stop. All she, and like, to the baby. To try to get her to stop. Yeah. And like all the baby will stop crying too is when we sing wheels on the bus. I see. So we're just saying, like, the bus driver says, like, we don't even know the words. We're just making them up just to get a melody going. And but she just wants to be hell and or fizz.

Yeah. So she's screaming, like, but she's like barely hanging on just like on the edge of screaming, like, ah, I'm gonna freak out if you stop singing. So she's screaming like but she's like barely hanging on just like on the edge of screaming like Jill can't even hold her breath because she's or catch her breath because she's just like singing non-stop We get over the bridge into a traffic circle Jill is fucking car sick about to puke The dog is like on me panting baby screaming We pull we pull off to the traffic circle and I'm I'm just like all right here's like just a The dog is like on me panting, baby's screaming. We pull off to the traffic circle.

And I'm just like, all right, here's just a random pull-off where there's a tractor. In this traffic circle, I whip the car around, stop. Jill, you can go puke there. I'll change the truck. Jill jumps out of the car, starts dry heaving. She's sobbing. The baby starts screaming.

And all the people in the traffic circle are just going around and I'm like being a dad is easy No problem here. She stopped crying yesterday and moved tears. So the And the dog just has to pee. It was just like I was like this is this moment right now is exactly what You fear when you're like can I handle being a dad? Right, because this is like, you're wearing masks. This is like, it's like that every hour. Wife puking throwing up, baby crying.

Honestly, the dog wasn't doing anything back. The dingo was a fucking saint. He was just, he knew how bad the situation was and he's just like, I'm with you buddy. What do you need? Let's run away together. just me and you, boy, we can go to Costa Rica. So that situation has shaded my Costa Rica trip.

So now I'm pivoting. I canceled. I got the money back. I think we're gonna do some kind of hotel. Yeah. Sounds great. Yeah. I don't need to bring nine people. I don't need to bring anybody. I'll just bring Jill. I'll bring the bed. You should go by yourself. Yeah. If anything I'm going solo. Going solo. I throw up.

All right, two really good stories that were sort of drawn out of that purchase. One of them, Power Bank, the other one is a vacation that you canceled. Yes. Airbnb. You break the news to everybody else that the trip is canceled. Or they're like, oh yeah, I forgot, I agreed to that anyway.

It was gone. I told everybody. I told Mike, and I think at two different points Mike had Asked me like are you sure you want to do this coaster recap and then also Jill was like So like she just kept on asking questions like so how far was the drive? Okay, like what flight are we gonna take? Don't wait, we're flying out of nowhere. I'm a deal. Yeah, not right there for my We're flying out of nowhere. That would be good.

Yeah, not right through the floor, but it's all good. I actually want to wrap up. Like, what are we going to do for food? I think there's Christmas, right at the bottom of the hill. I think there's a pie that falls out of a tree onto the house. So I told them, they were going to say, okay, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I support that decision.

I wanted you to cancel the entire time. I'm glad you came around. And that's the end of that segment. We said it the entire time. I'm glad you came around. And that's the end of that segment. We said it the same time. Thank you to Athletic Greens for sponsoring this episode of our program. I take AG1 as soon as I wake up, because I don't really

remember to take vitamins. There's nothing exciting about putting a pill in your mouth and drinking it. But AG1 gives you all the vitamins you need without necessarily even having to take a pill. You just put a scoop of it in your water and you're drinking a good drink. And then you're like, wait a minute,

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Healthier looking skin, hair, and nails, people are often shocked to find out that I'm actually 63 years old, because I look so young and spry. Thanks in no small part to athletic greens. So if you wanna try Aegean, if you want to make that part of your life, there's no better way to do that than by going to athleticgreens.com slash if I were you, and they give you a free one year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase of that

AG1 powder. So just go to athleticgreens.com slash if I were you. That's right go to athleticgreens.com slash if I were you. That's right, athleticgreens.com slash if I were you, check it out, treat your body right, and honestly, it tastes good regardless of how well it makes you feel, so you might as well try it for that too. Thank you, athleticgreens. Shave the, okay, it's time for our final segment

of the day, this is when we're calling Jake versus Amir. What does this one already forget? This one, I think it can be- Just try to wrestle, right? Yeah, well, it can be anytime that we are against each other. For this particular one, it is us alternating saying the word trashy, tell one of us laughs. So when it was faints.

Yeah. Okay, yeah. This one might was faints. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. This one might be longer than normal or insured. Insured. Yeah. We actually tried this once and you giggled pretty quickly. Yeah.

I think we did it as an intro to our Patreon or something. Yeah. Do you want to put money on it so that there's higher stakes? Do you want to do it three times? And then it's like every time you laugh first, you lose $20. Okay. You actually have to then move me if you go for three. Okay. So there'll be a winner at least $20, but maybe up to 60. All right. Okay. So you win every time whoever wins gets 20 bucks. Yeah. Okay. I will do it three times already laughing.

And then we there's also there's also a great area of laughing. You find a new gear when there's money on the line. Yes, exactly. I need this because I want to go You want the six okay, but then it's like what's laughter? You know like sometimes you're like Right is that laughter? I think if you make up Sounds that's laughter. Yeah, you can you can do this What if Casey's the judge because we're gonna be buys from be like that's laughter that's laughter. Okay. I mean I'm just gonna I know that I'm just gonna left I can bendmo you $60. Get it back to me if I happen to win one of them.

Okay, ready? Yeah, am I going first or you go first? You can't, so I'm gonna have it real fast. Okay, you can go first. Trashy, trashy. Trashy, trashy. I mean, Casey. Trashy. But I shouldn't be allowed to laugh when I'm saying it.

It's the opposite of the game. No, I didn't even use said it. Oh, it's kind of like 20 bucks. 20 bucks is not a big deal. Trashy. What's the cause I've got it back right now? Trashy. Trashy, trashy, trashy, trashy, trashy, trashy, trashy,

trashy, trashy, trashy, trashy, trashy. We're okay there. Check swing. Yep. Trashy, trashy, trashy, trash swing. Yep. Trashy. Trashy. Mm. Trashy. Trashy. Trashy. Trashy. Trashy.

Trashy. Double or nothing, you go bitch. This is, this is, well, I'm at 40. So if I lose this one, it'll go down to 20. Yeah, or I want double or nothing. Oh you want so I'll then mo you $80 or zero. Okay trashy Just pointing to the fucking home run and Just pointing to the fucking home run and just striking. Hahaha. Hahaha.

Baby. Calling Jill, listen, I don't think we can afford the fucking house. I laughed again. We have to confirm that you'll send me 80 and it does need to be 80. But I wanted it to be 60 quite frankly. I thought 80 was too much. I might have to cash. Oh my god.

Costa Rican dollars. You already fucking transferred it. All right, a short but sweet segment. Sometimes the segments will be long, sometimes short. Yeah, you thought we could do an episode with like 30, 40 segments at a certain point. The original idea for the show was one segment every single week added. So it's like first episode one, second episode the previous segment and a new one. Third episode, the previous two and a new one. Correct.

Going all the way up to our, on our year, 52 high-flying segments. We did five today, but in this iteration it would be up to 50. Yeah. I was a little concerned about that idea. Yeah, you shot it down. Yeah And maybe

It's not often the comments you should do that And segment ideas we want to I think we're smart not to have a Gmail for the podcast We're gonna keep it on Twitter and we're gonna keep it in the YouTube comments so people can can just sound off there. All right, send it to at AmirB on Venmo. Wow. 80 bucks. Good man, honest man. So by the end of this podcast, let's see how much cash I can get from you.

Yeah, or maybe the next one will be more geared towards you. Right on. So segment ideas, send it on. Yeah, we should have bet money on the poem thing. Oh my God. Why don't we give me a for Sadie? Yeah. Sadie was a joke.

I'm fucking knew you didn't write shit right from the joke. I would have loved it if you were like, you definitely didn't write that one and I did. Yeah, that would have been a great moment. Basically the feeling that you got for the last leaf of autumn. Yeah. I wanted you to cry about me. It would have been amazing.

If it turned out you had written last leap of autumn, I would have had to be like, I really like that poem. There's not like, I wouldn't have been able to get out of that. And that would have been worth the $80 that you also have been with me. And any segments that you want us to recur, which ones of these ones did you like the most? Segment ideas, let us know. New ideas, old ideas, and of course,

we're still on Patreon. We gotta be on Patreon. We have to be. Patreon.com slash a J.A. That's actually another segment we can borrow. It's just watching Old Jake in the Mirror episode. That's right. That's right.

All right, thanks so much for listening to Episode 1 of our new podcast, an episode 500-something of every podcast we've ever done. Exactly. Exactly. I would say rate review and subscribe, but we're already sort of baked into the RSS feed that was previous, so it'll get lost in the shuffle. It'll all look like hundreds of, if I were were you reviews and then a segments review. Yeah, so No action items for you except I guess follow

Subscribe to our YouTube channel the head gum YouTube channel one action of it didn't for you Yeah, that's pretty good All right, and let us know what you think and we'll be back next week until one of us turns 50 I guess amazing. See you guys soon That was a hit gum original See you guys soon. First ever live show on Sunday, November fit at 5.30pm. As part of the New York Comedy Festival, we will be at the Littlefield in Brooklyn with special guests, Kylie Breakman and Ryan Goll. You could go to littlefieldmyc.com

or New York Comedy Festival.com or even head gum.com slash live to get tickets with three ways to play. You can't not win. Knock knock. It's there. It's us. We'll see you in New York. Perfect. I'd ever. Bye.