If I Were You - 02: Fifty Like Tweet

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

Five new segments, one great episode: We chat old photos, dead artists, and going viral.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgema original. One last ditch ever to try to stop the crib of going to shit. Seven. Another podcast. Seven. Each episode from the last. Seven. It's the Swiss Army Nightbook show. Seven.

Meet your two pathetic hosts. Seven. You know we should do a Now we need to put that echo So that's... You know, we should do a like a 90s theme song montage of us like through all of the old videos. Oh, that's good. You know, it looks like an old T-Shirt.

It's from like 22. Yeah, all the way to 20 style. Yeah, exactly. That's really good actually. Should we have somebody else do it for us? Obviously, we can't do it ourselves. No, we can't. That'd be a Casey thing. Yes, or a Mon-

Yeah, yeah. A Casey Mon- She collab. And the lab sneakers too. Or a mole-out. We got to think new merch. Yes. New show. And they'll have sneakers too. Ramon loud. We got to think new merch. Yes. New show, segments, thank you for watching. New merch. Yeah, I don't think we had any merch for our last show

for the last like six or seven, not some general cleanliness in 2017. It was an absolute debacle. That was a debacle. The rollout plan was just ill-conceived. My dad still wears his general clementist shirt. And that's so funny. Yeah, he's the only one.

Okay, this is Segments, our new podcast. Yes. I'm a mere Blooming Felt. I am Jacob Hurtwoods. Trying to be a little more professional going by Jacob these days. You know guys, at this point you guys fucking get this shit. Yeah, it's episode two.

We already know what it is. It's different segments every week, a completely new show, Mixy Matchy, Modular redesign. Exactly. The Swiss Army Knife of shows. Correct. So the first segment today, we're calling the 50 like tweet. The 50 like tweet. There could be lots of tweets, but not every tweet could be the 50 like tweet the 50 like tweet

There could be lots of tweets, but not every tweet could be the 50 like this gives me an idea actually every single show You should come up with three segments and I come up with two or I come up with three and you come up with two and we don't actually Know that's nice because like to hear it for the first time because I did kind of forget about this and it was exciting It was exciting. It felt like it was a reveal to me Yeah, and I feel like it actually should be a reveal to me. Yeah, because part of the show is knowing what the segments will be. Right.

So the idea is so far growing on us and hopefully it stays fresh as the us. Okay. Again, if you have a segment idea, leave it on the YouTube, tweet at us. Right. Everything but email. Yeah.

We don't check that shit. We do want to hear from you guys. Right. Okay, so the name of the game here and you want the possibility to earn your cash back from last year. You've been able to be $80. I bet I'm down 80. I know it was supposed to be maximum of 60. Yeah. You changed the rules. It was my favorite. It was a straight error in my favor. I collect $80 Venmo from Jake. Indeed. So let's see if you can get it back today.

In a segment we're calling 50 like tweet, Jake's gonna tweet something from my account. Let's pull it up now, screen mirror green. Pull it up on the frame. We're looking for a tweet. That, oh my god, this is incredibly through the looking glass. Yeah, that's an air-concee passcode.

That is your bank pants. Okay, these are real sweets. Yeah. So you're on Twitter. And if I come up with the tweet, if I author a tweet that gets over 50 likes, you're gonna get the segment. By the end of the show.

Oh, by the end of this segment, not the end of the show. Yeah, I'll give you the show. I'll give you the show. Give me a week. Cause I'm gonna get everybody I know to like it. And it can't be, you know, like, oh, by the way, if you this gets 50 likes,

yada yada. Oh, actually, fuck it. Why don't you retweet Zach Lo? We'll see what happens. Yeah, it's actually won't be good for you. Retweets don't perform well. Okay. So I'm thinking 50 likes, we're gonna talk about,

my first inclination was like, my dick is so small, blank. Okay, self-deprecating. Right, toilet humor. Yeah, exactly. Which we would never stoop so low. No, that's exactly what, so I said, you know what, I'm not gonna do that,

but I'm gonna lean into another personality trait. Yeah, okay. I just smelt it. Another thing about your personality is. I am so Jewish. Do you know where I'm going? No, I'm so Jewish. Yeah, I'm so Jewish.

And then it could be anything. I see. Because people are just gonna be like, oh, that's funny, a mirror is Jewish. Okay, I wanna see this. It doesn't really matter with the joke. So I'm gonna say, I'm so Jewish that even my Yamaka is circumcised. Do you think that this is like a bad joke on purpose?

Do you think people will like it as a real good joke? I think this is one of those like, it's basically a non-joke. If I wanted to game the system, I actually could. like it's basically a non-joke. If I wanted to game the system, I actually could, I could do my swimmer's ear. Yeah, but we're not getting this. Yeah, we're not gonna get this. It's not an inside joke.

Yeah, it's completely fresh. Fresh. I'm so Jewish, even my, I believe it's not, it's not with an R. Yeah, Yarmulka. Yeah, Yarmulka. Yeah, Yarmulka, I think. Yeah, I usually say Kipa, the Jewish word. They get the Hebrew word, but Yamaka is like the Americanized version.

It is circumcised. Car, can. No, I think, let's get the spelling wrong. That's fine. No, it's got it for form. Cause then you're gonna get ratioed with everybody saying how to spell Yamaka. That's fine. No, it's got it for the form. Cause then you're gonna get ratioed with everybody saying how to spell Yamaka. That's actually good.

No, it's not good to get ratioed. Everybody replying and not liking. Not for this. How do you spell it? How is this not how you spell circumcised? It is Y-A-R-Y-M-U-L-K-E. Oh, sorry. You're trying to fuck me.

And then circumcised is how is this not correct? Um, is it C right here? No. That is correct. What's... It doesn't recognize it because it's specifically mutilation. Oh no, there's no Z. Circumcide.

That's... What is it? Circumcise. Then that's right there. Un-S? Yeah. No way. This is fucking all treated, but I don't really think.

C-I-R, yes. C-U-M. Sure. C-I-S-E-D. Uh-huh. Look at that. That does feel right. What did you add right there?

Oh, yeah, that does feel right there. I had this. Not that, yeah, that's, that's that's how that feels really wrong, which is correct Like you're making the size smaller. Yeah And that and also circumsliced So Jewish even my Yamaha slice That's actually pretty good too is it circumsize or circumslices? You want to change it? No, this is perfect.

I'm so Jewish, even my Yamaka is circumcised. I didn't even consider tweeting. No, I didn't consider the fact that I might be a shameful. I thought you were gonna come up with a good one. What do you think this is? This is a bad, it's just here. It's something I would treat in 2013. Right.

Yeah, it's a equivalent of, remember when we tweeted Nicki Minaj just butt dialed. That one was funnier to me than this. Nicki Minaj just butt dialed Iraq. I think that one did well. That would do great. This one is it's gonna be bad. Like your ass is so big.

Just for someone you really didn't want to. This the more I look at It's kind of you bad like your ass is so big Also when you really didn't want to This the more I look at it the worst I feel about it. It's not great. I don't love your chances quite honest Yeah, yeah, yeah me either, but I think at the very least what's nice is that it's embarrassing for you Yeah, so I miss only $80 to embarrass yourself So this is again a double or nothing situation. Right. Where it's, you'll give me another 80 if we don't break 50 by the end of the episode.

Yeah. Or if you do, I'll give you the 80 back. I honestly don't know what I'm rooting for because if it does well, I'm gonna lose $160 today. In just one day. In a day. That's a lot.

That's a lot of cash. That's a lot of cash to lose in it. I got wedding gifts smaller than that. Yeah, of course. Oh, that's actually good. I didn't give you a lot of cash to lose in it. I got wedding gifts smaller than that. Yeah, of course. Oh, that's actually good. I didn't give you a wedding gift. So this will cancel that. A Venmo on a game.

Actually, now that I know I don't need the money, why don't you tweet this? Nicki Minaj is butt dialed, Iran. Okay. Final answer, we're posting. Yeah, I can't come up with anything better, not at this point. It'll all pale in comparison.

I'm so Jewish, even my y'all, because it's circumsight. I bet if you Google that, somebody else has said it too. No way. You don't think so? All right, we got a live stream. Should the second end when we get my first like?

Refresh. No, it does it in real time. This is a nothing real. Really? Can we hit him with that whole series? Yes! And that's the end of this. They're coming in fast and furious.

All right, we're back. Still only one like. We'll keep the tweet up and keep you guys updated in real time. There we got to yeah, that's too. It's fine. It's a telethon of Yeah, Okay, so what's this segment Jake? This one is called random picture. Mm-hmm. We are going to do this thing where you have you know You have your photos. Yeah, you Make it small. Make them really small. That looks like just, it's like a thousand newspaper.

And I have had the same, I've had, I've had like cleaned my phone up since 2014. So it's just about 10 years. An unedited archive of everything. And then I hit you with a swipe, stop randomly. Choose a photo. And we'll talk about it. And we'll show it on the screen too.

Maybe text it to me so we have it. And we'll show it on the screen too. Maybe text it to me so we have it. So that whoever's editing is bad boy. Oh wow, wait, I swiped all the way to the beginning. Okay. Swipe, stop. Pick. Stop.

Swipe. Wow. All right. This one has a story, believe it or not. It's a picture of waiting to air drop it to you. Okay. Let's see it, accept it. Oh, look at this.

It's you and Jill in front of a car. That's correct. Very sweet. We got four likes on this tweet. So it'll be pretty interesting to take this off, put my picture up there, and then we'll come back and we should be around 30 or 40 likes.

Cause I feel like now the... Four. Yeah. I feel like the seal is broken. Oh, five. There's five there. Now it's the, there's four out of them. The outdoor of the nose, it's playing well and it's starting to show up to the strings.

As someone who tweets, I don't really do this. Yeah. Is five in a minute or two? Does that feel good to you? It's fine. I've had better and I've had worse. Sometimes it's like, nobody likes this, we're not showing this to anybody.

And it's not that. Yeah, okay. But it's also not like, oh, you're already at 31. So this is gonna end up at like 24 likes by the end of the episode. It'll be between 30 and 60, I just don't know yet. Wow. So there's a real chance.

Okay. All right. This is a nice photo of you and Jill in front of your old house, is it? Yes. Very low res. Yeah. Classy.

This is the day, Jillian and I left Los Angeles. Wow, and you just randomly scrolled right to it. Completely random. Like maybe the only photo of the two of us, I mean, this is like, your last known photo. This is such a moment. This is the last, yeah, this is like, we so intentionally took this photo in front of our house with the car all packed up.

Don't know why I didn't shut the door. Oh took this photo. Miguel. Oh, Miguel, probably the most meaningful person to this house was Miguel. He helped renovate. Yeah, to this day, my wife, even in New York, is named Miguel to honor him to have it to hold. I wonder you packed the car and drove back to New York his name to Miguel to honor him to have it to hold I Wonder you pack the car and drove back to New York. Yeah, so we we didn't sell our house. We we

tried to we like rented it out as a furnished rental So we packed all of our like personal belongings into the car. Yeah broke my suspension Because it was so heavy and then drove to New York City. All in one week, less than that. Yeah, I think it was about a week. Low light, highlight of the trip. Highlight was probably just after this photo was taken.

We went to wax paper, got a final sandwich in Los Angeles. Nice, great, great. I believe we got the Terry Gross. Is that the Turkey one? Anyway, yeah. Then the low light, I think it would be, as I mentioned, this suspension was broken. Yep. There was so much weight in the trunk that the car, whenever I like, hit a pothole, it would bounce and then sway.

Oh, yeah. Not a good boat. And there was one point when we were going into Boulder, we were like coming up and over the Rocky Mountain. Yeah. And it was like kind of snowing, it was dark. I was swaying like a boat. I was, Jill had no idea, she was, it's like Christmas time, this is December

and she was like looking over and just, man, oh my god, this is so pretty that all these Christmas lights and there's like snow falling. I was pressing and she was like looking over and just, oh my god, this is so pretty, there are all these Christmas lights, and there's like snow falling. I was pressing, I was like full throttle for all the way down on the gas, going 60 miles per hour straight up a hill. And I was like, if anything happens,

I think I just like backwards, everyone out of the car. The timing belt snaps, so you're just greeting back down the, to, I was like, we are near death. Yeah, this is really nice. But under your safety belt just in case, babe, you had to stop drop and roll. Yeah, you might have to jump out. Wow, that was an iconic photo. A iconic photo. I almost don't want to go. It'll be like a picture of a dirty vase that I sent to Avi Talon. Yeah, well, that's it.

Okay, here we go. We got the photos, all photos, getting really small like this, right? Exactly, and then you're gonna hit with the big ol' swipe, and then inside, eh, pick, I'm cheating. No, don't cheat, you have to press that, I say, I saw you swipe, no motherfucker. All right, all right, all right, all right.

No, no, no, no, you do it all the way back out. You do it. I'm gonna try to find what you fucking tried to avoid. Don't, motherfucker. All right get very unambentful photo, just as we suspected. Slash feared. Yeah. Okay. This is me wearing jogging outfit. Oh no, you know what this is?

I'm trying a new basketball shoes for the first time. I see, yeah, the purple abroad. Yeah. I think they're the Kobe hyper grape, something or other. Oh, great. This is back in 2016, 2017, I believe. Yeah.

House still pretty empty, freshly painted, moved in, and I am sort of taking a picture and posing for maybe Marty to show my shoes, maybe, I don't know. I'm dressed that differently, so it can't be that embarrassing for me, but this is mostly, I guess my pants are a little shorter now a day. Yeah, those are longer shorts.

Basketball shorts. Do you have a girlfriend at this point in your life? Uh, it's in play, but I'm not sure, and I don't think so. But yeah, there's a chance that this went to somebody. There should be like metadata in the picture that says, this is why you took the picture. Right, but I don't have it.

So you don't quite remember. You don't quite remember. It looks like you're ready for basketball. Looks like you're texting somebody to be like, I'm on my way. Oh, okay, I thought you were April 1st, 2017. Oh, so I was with Avi Tal at this point. All right.

I don't know. So I hope I sent this to her, but yeah, I took a picture of, oh yeah, that's the mirror that's still in our room. Okay. Really, really, really less important than the one you took. Totally. Yeah, but that's the nature of the beast.

It's a random, that's gonna happen. It's just random. Okay, end of segment. That's that. Thank you to Uncommon Goods for sponsoring this episode of our show. Amazing. Uncommon.s for sponsoring this episode of our show. Amazing. Uncommon.

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yeah. Because they're still the best way to create a professional looking website. They always happen. And they always will be. Whether you have an event coming up or maybe just like a website or an online store that you want to build. A portfolio. Exactly. I mean, come on, a resume. You need a digital presence.

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And use that promo code segments if you're done with your free trial and you're ready to launch for 10% off their low low prices. So squarespace.com slash segments you try that free trial and you say you know what I'm ready to go use that promo code segments for 10% off. Thank you squarespace. Bye. All right we are back. We got an updated light count. Bye. 19 minutes? Yeah. Yeah. Well, this is gonna be a three-hour episode. The responses are no cap and already serious. Right. So, people, if it makes you feel any better, people think

I'm a genuine lead. I'll let you retweet it. Can I retweet it? I think my guy needs likes on this. No? Can't do that. I can retweet it for the last 10 minutes. The last 10 minutes we can give you a blow or nothing. No, stop listening, wanna do me. If it makes you feel any better, this is a really embarrassing joke to post. Yes, that does help. It's halfway between a funny joke and a joke that's bad on purpose.

Are you gonna delete it? Maybe not because when the episode comes out, people can then come in and inflex it. Yes. Are you gonna delete it? Uh, maybe not because when the episode comes out, people can then come in and inflex it. Good. But I'll tweet enough to bury it. Yeah. Um, okay. Uh, third.

I should have been able to like let it ride by just using one from your drafts. Oh, interesting. I don't have a lot of draft action nowadays though. All right, cool. Uh, okay. Next segment is celebrity interview. Yes,, next segment is celebrity interview. Yes, we are on to celebrity interview.

This is where I play a celebrity. You have no idea. And you're gonna interview me and try to guess. Okay, I've got their Wikipedia, pulled up. Awesome. All right, I'm excited to be here with you. Can I just say that much? Of course.

I would be too. Especially because, I mean, are you currently dead? Is that fair to say? You better believe I'm dead. This isn't safe. I can't believe I'm talking to you. You got me. You got me in this studio, even though I am dead.

Insane. Yes. God, how long has it been? How long has it been since you kicked the bucket? I wonder if you I don't think the last hundred years know Question within the last hundred years right? No, wait, they're not like all of that Yeah, yeah, you look great. Thank you. Cuz like I wouldn't have guessed it in the last Longer than 100 years insane. Yeah, so in between a hundred and 200 years ago You sure yes, holy smokes I can't believe you died between 1823 and 1922 So in between 100 and 200 years ago, you did. For sure. Yes. Holy smokes.

I can't believe you died between 1823 and 1922. I was like, oh, I'm late. I'm not too good at this. That's correct. That anymore. Whoa. Shit. So you died in the 19th century, the 1800s, did you?

Yes. Why else I did. And it's awesome to have you here because I always wanted to know like what life was like back then Yeah, I could tell you all about it, but you grew up in America. I did not you did not know I did not you're from Europe Yes, you're a European European. I wouldn't have guessed a dead European from the 1800s if you can believe that holy smokes Famous army man in a way. Not a general. Not me. No, not a general.

That's not my vibe. Not my style. No, yeah. Because when I think of famous people in Europe from 1843, it's hard to think of anybody but like generals and... What generals do you know? Like a Napoleon in Egypt. So that's all general.

I believe that was, yeah, that was, you know, the early 18th century. It's in blood. It's in blood. Yeah, but then there's, there's no athletes. I guess potentially you're an artist of sorts. Oh, yes. Potentially.

Why would I say, I am. I'm not Napoleon. No, but you do art a lot. So you knew all of the generals, generals being Napoleon. Yep. All of the generals. Auroban Bismarck. being Napoleon. Yep. All of the generals. Yeah.

Adobon Bismarck. Potentially. Maybe. Potentially. Maybe I can't say no. Definitely a name. But anyway, I'm a painter. You are a painter.

Yes. Interesting. Oh, I said, oh shit, I said artist. Yeah, but what else is there? There was no music back then. Yeah. Oh, there was Beethoven. That's true.

Yeah. But I know you're not that. Now you do. You overplayed your hand. I did yes And it's awesome that your art is still appreciated today Certainly somebody I know and love. Yes somebody I respect Yes as the father of some sort of movement I would assume if I knew anything about our history potentially which I don't yeah Would you say you have both your ears because it looks like you might have caught on Eero.

I did get a little odd. Yeah. And I caught one of my ears off. And that's a true story. Yes. That's not just a weird thing that people say. I suffered a load. I had an episode and I caught part of my Eero.

I wonder why you did that. I believe I went a little cuckoo. Yeah. Like back then there wasn't a lot of ways to sort of do crazy things. Yeah. It, back then there wasn't a lot of ways to sort of do crazy things. Yeah. It's not like you could go on live and be naked.

Right. You couldn't take drugs and run down the street. No, I believe I like, I shoved a friend and then smixed my ears with the knife. Just cut your ear off. And I didn't remember it apparently. Really? Yes.

And you just hope to God that enough people heard about it. Did you send it to anybody or you're just like sliced ear and now I'm going to bed tonight. I'll tell you what, I searched it and I couldn't really find a ton of information. It's kind of a waste of time. I did really do that. Some people say yes, they said that he severed, that I severed the lobe.

Yeah, just the lobe too. Yeah, I didn't like the whole year. I didn't like do that full year. I didn't do that full year. Cause that, no, they'll probably kill you, right? I would imagine. No, no, no, I don't think so. I think you're in the entire game.

You'll bleed a lot, but I think you can get by. Really, even in 18 years. I mean, I was a four or something. Yeah, I mean, then you probably get infected in the die. But a lot of infection, more of the actual. Yeah, but the low part, that didn't kill you. Do you know who I am? I think you're Vincent Van Gogh.

That's correct. Yes. Vincent Van Gogh live in the flesh. That's right, that's right. And did you get any more insight while researching Vincent Van Gogh. That's correct. Yes. Vincent Van Gogh live in the flesh. That's right. That's right. And did you get any more insight while researching Vincent Van Gogh as to why he did this?

He just went crazy quote unquote. What was that tale? He did, like, I guess he lost his mind. I, you know, when you learn about Van Gogh in school, you're like, oh, he was an unsuccessful artist and that was what drove him crazy. Yeah. But reading it now,

the Wikipedia says he essentially suffered from psychotic episodes. So he lost his mind and then he lost his ear. Yeah, so that was part of the, looks like they're worried about his mental stability. He often neglected his physical health to not eat properly and drink heavily. His friendship with Gogguin, going, and did after a confrontation with a razor went in a

rage, he severed part of his own left ear. So it sounds like he's, you know, having a psychotic episode, threatening a friend with a razor blade, at some point in the altercation, he cut off his own earlobe. How do you like this? Slice himself, yeah. And it sounds, yeah, the story's making sound a little bit like, oh man, he was a mad artist to like cut off his own ears. Like, oh, he was kind of, he was mentally unwell. And he had an episode where he cut himself. Right. It sucks that like that's what he's most known for. Like he's most known for story

night. Yeah, I didn't really remember that specifically, but I definitely remember the year thing. The year thing? So like Van Gogh coming back to life and the people like my painting. Now you're just the crazy, the year guy. Yeah, you're a year guy. You're known for having art that wasn't appreciated in your time. So that you went crazy and couldn't figure it off. I would much rather be Michelangelo's, kind of heralded as a hero. Living know the living, the existing chapel, David. For sure. We all know him. And it was also massively successful when he was around.

And it didn't have to mutilate himself for the fucking attention. My question is, would Van Gogh be as famous? Would we know who he was if he didn't do the ear thing? I think so. I don't, I think the ear thing has an outsized reputation nowadays. Yeah.

I feel like his art gained popularity before that, before the year. And then modern day historians stuck on the year thing. Not to transition back to the tweet, but if you want to talk about not being appreciated in its own time. 11 likes. I mean, this is, the algorithm says,

much like your car enough is enough, and it's gonna pump the e-brakes more than anything, skidding to an absolute halt. I might cut my e-roff. Yeah, see if anybody likes the tweet. Ben, there's a chance that it's a refreshing issue, but now we're still in 11. Yeah, we're still in 11.

And that's a decent amount of views. 3,500 people have seen it, and only 11 people said that's pretty good. What am I gonna do with 160 Danmo bucks? I don't know, you could treat me to something. I wouldn't do that just because I'm not able to use it. A certain type of man might feel guilty taking $160 from friends so much me.

I did Venmo someone $200 to drive Luke to and from our dog to the venue. Right, so this is sort of paying that off. Yeah, which is just. I would have been down to do that for the $200. Yeah, we wanted you there to see it, but yeah. I don't know, maybe next time to pay off your debt. Yeah, be a chauffeur to my dog.

We are gonna do a bet every single episode. It'll always be for $80. Yeah, we'll see if I can climb out of this hole. Dead or is prism? A bet, debt. Okay, let's take another segment break. Let's do it. Let's go.

All right, we have returned. Yeah, it's time for segment number four. What's this one? This one's one of my favorites. Yeah. It's called Close Your Eyes, and I'll give you a treat. Oh God. All right, so this is one where I shut my eyes.

And I give you a treat. And you give me a treat. And I also have a treat for you. Okay, you'll shut your eyes and I'll give you a treat. Okay. Who goes first? Well, you lifted it. Oh, I saw tail.

I saw tail coming. It's growling. It's a fucking get go. I think there's a possum in there. All right. Yeah, I'll go first. He'll go first. Yeah, okay.

So I'm gonna show, you close your eyes, I'll show the cameras what the treat is. Okay, this one. Yeah. Can you see it? Yeah. Yeah, you got it. Yeah, got it.

Okay, I just, I don't know if you could read this because it's in Croatian. I'm not very concerned because I like most things. That's correct, which is the challenge for you. Did you try to get something I liked or did you try to find something I wouldn't like? I tried to get something intensely different. I see.

So it won't just be like a peanut butter pretzel. Yeah. But you might like it. But to not know what it is might be a little bit more. It's really unsettling. Yeah. And I just went in the kitchen. So I feel like I fucked this up a lot

because everything in the kitchen is just kind of a universal snack. Yeah, it is definitely universal. This one is like, oh, you guys carry this? Yeah. But they could even someone carry it. So I'm not in my head. I'm like, I feel like this might be like something coconutty.

Okay. That's what I'm thinking. So open wide and I'll give you a treat. Close your eyes and I'll give you a treat. Okay. I'm so scared. Hmm, what are you getting? You're crying.

I'm ginger, candy ginger or something? It does have a dehydrated, fruity thing. Apricot. Not quite apricot. It is a fruit and it's covered in something else. Candy d'yam. No, not a yam, it's not a sweet potato. I'll give you one more guess

and then you have to say be $80. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. I'm interested. Peach? No. The snack is mango conchilli. Mango conchilli. Yeah.

Mango with chili. Okay. So that's like that? Yeah, it's pretty good because there's more here. Yeah. I mean, I didn't like it that much. I just wanted to surprise you with a unique texture and an intense flavor. It was both.

Have you had one? No. Do you want to try it? I'm okay. Because I'll try your treat now. Okay. So now you have to stay the line. You have to say the name of the segment.

Yeah. Have it happen to me. Okay. Close your eyes. Yeah. And I'll give you a treat. This was a rejected trick or treat before trick or treat was around. Kids used to go door to door and they used to say that to them. I have a real inclination to just give you the the

the mega nut jelly. Yeah. Yeah. No looking fucking durable in my mouth. No looking. Okay, no looking. All right. It is coming. Here comes the airplane. Don't lean back. Alright, it is coming, here comes the airplane. It's only back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, it's wet. It's a grape. Yeah. It's a grape. Yeah. Were you scared when you first felt it? It was cold. I was holding it at that.

I don't know what to expect. Yeah. Grape's are weird actually, because they're big. The skin doesn't have any taste at all. Yeah, it's just the shape and coldness of a grape, and then you bite into it and you get the, I actually like grapes, but I never actively seek them out.

Like I never buy grapes. Yeah, I'm either, only if they're there. We're just, we might expand my palate, you would never buy maybe mango conchilli. And I don't think I ever will. No, yeah, it's not that good. Yeah, it's not necessary. Yeah, I don't like dehydrated fruit very much.

Yeah, like whenever there's a platter, and it's like dehydrated like apricot and apples. Yeah, that's not appetizing. It's not apple-tizing. There's nothing apple-tizing about it. 40 likes, that's still at 11. Those you're listening at home, chick-tried to manifest that.

Let's get a refresh. I've never seen a product. Stop refreshing it. You know what updates in real time. Close it down, I'll then owe you $80. Do you want to take the retweet? No, I don't want to take the retweet. The retweet might-

I've said it. Yeah. Not necessarily. The retweeting just signal boosted again. And honestly, I don't know if it'll give you 39 more, but it'll give it a big bump because you don't tweet that often, it shows it to more people.

Right. Okay, just throw it out there. I don't have Twitter on my phone. Let me see if I can pull it up. Am I allowed to say anything? You can quote retweet, but then it'll give you the likes instead of me. I would really just retweet,

and then it's like, it just puts my tweet on your people's radar. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sign it. We'll see if I can. Okay, let's take a break. That was our fourth segment. We still have another segment. So let's see if you retweet in between segments four, five. We'll give it a shot.

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Actually, not here to defendhimself.com. It's probably available if you wanna buy that URL. Or maybe you could buy the URL of a new baby in your life. Somebody has a child, actually I made. I'm gonna do that for Jake's child. Okay, scrap that. I'm gonna steal that one and hold it accountable for later. I'm gonna do that, but if there's somebody else's name,

in your life, you want to buy that.com. You could do it all through Squarespace. And if you go to squarespace.com slash, if I were you, you can launch a trial for free. And when you're ready to pull the trigger and launch that website for real, just use that promo code if I were you to save 10%. You can save 10% off. There are already low low prices.

If you just go to that squarespace.com slash if I were you, mess around, check out that free trial. And then when you're ready to launch, just use that promo code if I were you. Sounds good? I thought so. You're gonna have to build a website soon enough, and when you do, just remember Squarespace. Thanks Squarespace. tweet has been read in his viral. Oh my God, I've never seen this before. It now have billions. And you owe me $80 for every 50 over 50. I've been fun to make it a lightning bet where you could lose or win a thousand dollars. Oh, we shot up to 19. One of those is me.

Yeah. I went out, I retweeted it, I liked it. I put it on our Redditdit. Our fucking slack. Shut up. I'm going to bat for the tweet. I can't lose another 80. The thing is I almost would rather lose $80 then stand by it as hard as I would have to get it to 50. Yes, it's sort of a, it's like a bet that you win and lose at the same time.

I want to distance myself from this already. There's 20 though. 20's not nothing. It's not nothing, but we don't have a lot of time. Yeah, because a lot of time. We're at our most, our last segment of the day, which is a little bit of an homage to our old podcast, to Fyre You.

Yeah, we're basically playing Game Boy. We're summoning our old friend Game Boy's back, but instead of looking for questions in our old email address for our if I were you podcast, we're just gonna use our personal We're playing personal email Game Boy. Game Boy's kind of getting like a two personal for us. Yeah, let me see your phone Let me see your phone. Oh, get away from me Game Boy. The big heart watch to your Gmail. So do you have a word to search online and vice versa?

Yeah, we're gonna each go. And we're still hoping for one, right? And ideally, it's a personal email, not like a newsletter. Right, a newsletter. Yeah, so for yours, yeah. Ooh, let's use the word, bi-l-e-b-i-l-e-b-i-l-e-b-l-e. Let's use the word biol, bi, bi, le, bi, bi,

andrewbile. Here we go. Andrew Bile. There's a lot. Yeah, there's a lot. Trying to think of the most fun story based on one of these. Like some is just the New York Times article. Some is like a podcast submission.

There's a master class newsletter. Oh, text chicken for London. London? This is from 2014. Right. So this is another game we played. Where we sent in 2013. This is a 10-year-old email. Wow. And this bit was, I feel like we talked about this on the show. This is a good bit still. We should bring it back. The bit was that we each had gone through each other's phones and found embarrassing text threads. Yeah.

And we would read them into the other person's stuff. Yeah. Which is really a good segment for this game, for this podcast. Oh, that's true. But this was written to be embarrassing. So do you want to actually read this one? Just because it is very funny.

This is a fake conversation, of course, but that you found on my phone between me and the concierge of a restaurant. Oh, hotel that I was staying. All right. Okay, so this is a mirror sending a text to the concierge. And we used to do this on stage.

A mirror. Thanks for the restaurant recommendation. A plus to the concierge. And we used to do this on stage, right? A mirror. Thanks for the restaurant recommendation. A plus plus plus concierge. Of course, we are here to help. Glad you enjoyed a mirror response. And food poisoning. Thankfully, I have a written record of you admitting that you knowingly sent me

to what I'm sure you hoped was my demise. I'll see your ass in court. Concierge response. We're very sorry that the restaurant wasn't up to your liking. We're happy to follow up with a complaint. You say complaint? How about you suck my taint? I'm yarping up blood and my ass is spewing mud.

You owe me cash for this. This is a plastic drink at a mere. I concierge talking to a 30 year old. I don't know. I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no idea.

They say out of curiosity, what did you order? You write none of your business fat ass that being said chicken tartar medium well. Sorry, Amir, but that's not on the menu at Monte's stayhouse, which is where we sent you. Firstly, I never order off the menu. Secondly, I didn't go to your shitty stay-couse. I pulled it audible. I went to Randy's chicken truck on MLK and Avenue Jew,

which is like the same exact show. Honestly, that could have been the tweet. I just went to Randy's chicken shack on MLK. Yeah. That is not an existing intersection. This is the two, it is two streets. I never go off, Matt. They don't meet.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer. You sent me to my death. I'm wretching by all. Nice. And what you are to me is vile. And then it responds responds we are sorry We can offer you an upgrade to a junior suite to make up for it. You say senior suite. He says deal you right you idiot There was no vomit. I just upgraded to a sweet free of charge

There's Kant sorry a mere week cannot honor your upgrade request you write no Sorry, Amir, we cannot honor your upgrade request. You write, no. You write, I'm running, I'm, oh, you say again. I'm running sprinting and jogging back to the hotel. I will dry even the lobby if you will show me that junior sweet card once more. Then you respond again to yourself, what did I do to deserve this? Solid app. Solid app.

Absolutely crushed at the Soho Theater in 2013. Okay, I'm deciding between two word slash phrases for your email. All right, but I think I will go with Gemma Herwitz. Oh my God. Let's see the first email. That's so insanely personal. Yeah, the first Gmail where you reference the name of our her wits. Okay. I'm scrolling obviously a lot to the bot. Yeah, because now now they're all right. We're at May 13th with it, which is just before her birthday. Yeah. Okay, but now we're in. Okay, interesting. There is an email exchange with me and somebody named Gemma Horowitz.

Wow, you gotta find that person. She inceptioned you. That's crazy from 2012. All right. It looks like she helped me a couple of times. Could you name your child after me? I feel like it's really close. All right.

20, I guess I'm looking for one that's about her because there are earlier ones that just say Gemma and my last name. Oh yeah. It's like the equivalent of searching Gemma her what's in quotes and it has to be both of them. Back to back like that. I should say the tweet is at 26 likes. Wow, which is what I expected even without your signal boost, but it did give it another 15.

Okay, so here is what it is. Very cute, very cute, very personal. Are you ready to hear it? Now let's just call it there. Segments. So for, I was hoping for a name brainstorm email. No, didn't happen. Didn't happen a remail. So with the name Gemma,

we, I think it came up on like an early, like, first couple of dates. What would you name our, what would you name our kids? Like, very early in our relationship, because I'm a weirdo like that. I like the potential. I like the potential. Boy name.

Didn't have any boy name. There was a boy name list. I see. But was Gemma, was there a runner up to Gemma? I was almost considered. No. Okay, so Gemma was a weird cut favorite. Always Gemma. Okay. From. No. Okay, so Gemma was never a bad guy. A career cut favorite. Always Gemma. Okay. From the from the Gem. Okay, so let's hear this.

So the first, but the first mention of her name and an email, I was getting my mom some like little bracelet pendants. My grandmother had a bracelet that had a little like, like a silver boy or girl head for all of her grandchildren. Which is a lot, your mom and six kids. Right, she had six and then there was two and then another two, so yeah, there's 10 grandchildren. They had 10 grandchildren. My grandma had a bracelet that had 10 little pendants on it

with no one's name. So for Mother's Day this year, I got my mom the same bracelet and got pendants for. But you didn't get Jill anything, I'm wondering why that is. I got Jill a daughter for Mother's Day. That's pretty hard to come by, isn't it? You don't. You didn't get Gemma.

I stole a four year old. I was another girl. I was a girl. I was that. So I got my mom appendant for Gemma and for her other grandson, my nephew. Okay. Now, oh, that was that email.

That was that email. Well, the email was actually, they had sent me the wrong pendants. So I responded. I don't know if it reads exactly like text written. And I got free of charge pendants. That's right. Hey, good news, bud.

You set me the wrong pendant. Which means, cha-ching, full refund plus $150 bitch fee. Sterling Silver for being the runner up. And I do owe my friend 160 swiftly. Yeah. So you're gonna have the pony up that note too. So I do have to Venmo you again another episode that ends with me, Venmoing.

This is my favorite podcast I've ever done, of course. I'm getting paid on the day and on the side. Yeah, getting the salary and getting the 80 from you. 80, that's, I mean, this is not nothing. This is $160. It's considerable in the mornings. It's considerable. It's a lunchtime yet.

You've lost the equivalent of a really nice, I don't know, what cost 160, a meal. This is $160. It's considerable. In the morning. It's considerable. It's a lunchtime yet. You've lost the equivalent of a really nice, I don't know, what cost 160? A meal? Yeah. Really awesome meal for two. Right. Okay. Thank you guys for listening.

But I have good news. So far, I've only paid you from my Venmo Balance. That's good. So it doesn't really feel out of them. Yeah. That said, my Venmo Balance is now $15 so the next time it'll be cash it'll be from my it'll be from my account That's coming from Bank of America. You're gonna go to lunch. Like I'll pay everyone Venmo me Tacos for everyone, but it's on me and you guys have to Venmo

Yeah, and then I use the company card I figure we can write it off as a podcast expense. Okay, if you have your own segment ideas, let us know. Yeah, and the comments to this YouTube video or the comments to this tweet. Yes, let it all rain in on the comments of this one tweet that says, I'm so Jewish even my Yamaka is for God. Is there a good new punch to this up? I'm so Jewish even my Yamaha is circums.

And that's saying something. Even my nuts are circumsized. Yeah, even, I'm so Jewish, even my foreskin is circumsized. Interesting. Like a double circumsized. Yeah, like they snapped it off and I got circumsized twice. Yeah, I call it a circumcised the head off my dick.

It was like a foreskin or a two-skin or an eight-skin. Yeah, like. I got circumcised twice, so call it an eight-skin. Nice. Yeah, that's like a more of a wrap line. Yeah. Two-ish wrapper. I'll pitch it to a little dick, actually.

That's good. Yeah, you like to wrap about as dick a lot. Right, okay. Yeah, it's to grab about his dick a lot. Right, okay. Yeah, send him a text. Okay. Yeah, segment ideas and for more of us, we're still on Patreon.

Yeah, patreon.com slash J.A. Yeah, we're running out of segment ideas. I mean, I feel like we're already scraping the bottom of the barrel. Yeah, I mean, second pictures. What are we doing? We need to, we need the wisdom of the fans now. Episode three is all un-oops, all close your eyes

and try to treat episodes. It's treats and trashy. That's what our show is from now on. We're 10 in, KZD have a favorite segment. 10 seconds in. I liked the photos. Oh, you did like the photos. Wow, all right. Cool. This is the story of I did like the photos. Wow, all right.

Cool. The story of your last day in LA. I was like, oh, this is, I'm learning a lot about it. Okay, great. Well, in case he's like, I really like the photos. The one of them you're standing in front of us is fucking me. This is the theme. And actually, you talked about it.

You're wetting. You need to open up more. You need to be more vulnerable. And so far, I shared fucking my grandmother's pendant, my last day in LA. And I was, $160. $160 with you, you have fucking new co-bees,

and I don't know, you're fucking. We're on the couch. 51. Oh my God. Give me my money back. Ah. It cried. I have to go on a six hour rant just to get there.

Yeah, you're trying to, like milk milk the clock extend the episode for 12 hours. Come on hit 30. What's it called in like Congress when they talk forever to try to block something? Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna fill up. And another thing. What was the thing actually? Hang the juice.

Jimmy Stewart, you're running out of your voice. Falling asleep on my feet. I know there's a good idea. Okay, thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. We'll be back soon enough. Cheers. Bye, everybody.

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