If I Were You - 03: Jake's Poem

Episode Date: November 13, 2023

In this episode we discuss rice, impressions, movies, and the letter A.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgema original. J. Can't I'm here to choose that you can't forget? In 2010 they were big on the internet But then three bail pilots To reject it, movie scripts One last ditch ever To try to stop the crib and go into shit. Sets!

Another podcast. Sets! Each episode is different from the last. Sets! It's the Swiss Army Nightbook show. We're gonna sleep. Meet you to pathetic homes. Sets!

Alright, we're back. Now let me to two pathetic homes Suck it Alright, we're back This is our first episode since releasing the pod Nice Yeah, it's true So people know what it is They've weighed in Yeah, they're not

They're clamoring for more Yeah, they can't get enough segments Or less Or less Some people want a lot less Really? Yeah, they're like, this one was good, but I hope it doesn't come out weekly interesting. Yeah, why I think they just don't want the option to have it in The feed yeah their feed is getting cluttered. I hope it doesn't come out weekly. Yeah, that's they want it to be like a bi monthly thing

A bi monthly podcast is that twice a month or every other than me other the more rare one Yeah, all right Yeah, fair enough, fair enough. Actually, I've been reading some of the YouTube comments just to get some info for the segments. Yeah. And I will say there is a cult following for changing the name to segment. Really? Yeah.

Wow. I fucking knew it. I knew it, everybody. It's not the majority. Oh. But there is people clamoring. Really? Yeah. Okay. A critical darling correct to change the name to say yeah, not necessarily a runaway hit. Why don't we start next episode by saying Welcome to segments aka

Segmentia. We don't have to fully change the name. Yeah, because we got the art now on the screen. And segments, this title works with this podcast art for exactly, segment, it would have to be a whole page on re-write. Yeah, it wouldn't be this color thing, it wouldn't be us, it would be black and white, text. Right, it would look like, segment, it would be kind of cool.

You know, that hypnotic circle. It would be kind of like that. So actually, you never know, Marie-Kill. Almost like black and white swirls with lime green accents. Right. Segmentia. Yes, exactly. And Marie-Kill who spent a long time on this sort of branding, we would...

Like the noise that your computer makes when you're throwing something away. Exactly. Exactly. And that's on a whim, kind of, because we're not really even committed to segmentia yet either. We'll see how it plays on the day.

My friend Jesse, huge wrestling fan, loves segmentia, because it's like WrestleMania. I told you before we launched segmentia, before Marie could spend any time here, segmentia. I was skeptical because it's not a word. That's exactly why it's good. Because then it's easier to search.

You search segments. What comes up when you search segments? Thousands of things. Yeah. But Segmentia, that's us. We could trademark that. Yeah. We could copyright that.

Yeah. And people like the song. That's good. One of the most popular segments right off the bat I would say is the poetry or no. Yeah, which is why we're bringing it back today first recurring segment Yeah, episode three where you'll reread Sadie I'll try to hope that you forget that I I've had poetry night

slam poetry you'll never forget the name Sadie Poetry night. Slam poetry. You'll never forget the name, Savie. Yeah, you loved it a little bit. I did not like it very much. I actually made, now I can't really remember. I feel like, let me read it again. Yeah, on the show.

It was, I guess I, it wasn't bad. It was just clear that you wrote it. It was clear that that was the first poem you've ever written. All right, the way the show works, I'm sure you guys are familiar by now. This is episode three. Yeah. Each episode four to six different segments. We're constantly changing constantly involving. Yep. You can watch the show on YouTube or you can listen to it wherever you listen to your podcast. Exactly. I might be a little slow on this episode. I was vaccinated, double-vaxed yesterday. Double-vaxed.

Yeah, I got the flu and the COVID. They also took blood from the right arm. Which I said was bad timing, but you didn't even consider. I, yeah, because I was like, well, this is actually great timing, because I'm at the doctor now. So I don't have to make a separate appointment. So I didn't really think twice. But now you're like, I'm in a sort. And then-

Just today's a long day. Yeah, long day. Recording three podcasts of this playing and then we're titled, Patel, 10 minutes later, yeah. Right. And I did not, I thought that I would just have kind of a sore arm last night and that would be it.

Yeah. But the arm soreness turned to body soreness turned to achiness turned into, I couldn't sleep, turn into, I woke up and felt off. Yeah. So yeah. At its worst, where you're like, oh no, I can't come in today.

I never thought that I couldn't come in today, but at its worst, I thought maybe I'd have to cancel Paddle tennis. Yeah, like I was like, move. Yeah, at the end of the run or at this. After podcast three, I don't think I'll want to go play Paddle. Which is still in play.

Yeah, still in play. Yeah, still in play Yeah, but when brother rented we had the court for one hour and then he was like I'm gonna get it for two last time One wasn't enough. I'm like oh shit. Yeah, and now that I think back last time was enough at one one was fun Yeah, we were a gas. Yeah, maybe an hour and ten minutes would be nice, which we might be able to do today if we show up a little early If anything we should show up a little late at this point. We have two hour chunk. Yeah. We should really play from the half hour

to the 90 minute mark so we can sort of bleed into both hours. Oh, that's actually, that's really smart. And it is $125. We should... Per person. Per person. Yeah.

And that does not include rentals. No. The rackets. You also can't rent the balls. You have to buy the balls. Yep. And you have to throw them away when you leave. That's why you have them. Yes, exactly.

All right. Let's get started. We're doing wave length. Yeah. First segment. We asked some of our listeners on Instagram and YouTube and Twitter. Hit us up with segment ideas. Somebody venmode me a dollar to give me their segment idea. Was it good enough to read for a dollar? We go on a sort of... I sent it to you and you said you didn't want to do it. Yeah, but you said you'd like the precedent of sort of auctioning off the last second of the day. Exactly. So a dollar is the leader of the dollar. Send us to let's see if you can beat it. $25 I will I will get your segment on no matter

what it is. Yes, it's a fast track. You'll go see it. You'll basically spread your butt cheeks and write the segment on your A-nist for $25. Yeah, for $25. That's a fucking smoothie and arrow on. Right, that's true. More than enough, not with tip. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no All right, segment one is sort of a popular TikTok game I've seen called Wavelength. Where, well, I'll explain it as we play it. Basically, I'm gonna say a number to the camera.

Okay. I guess we should say it audio wise too. So try to like close your ears and your eyes. Okay. Give me a la la la. All right, so you're gonna say the number right now. Yeah, and it'll be a number out of 10. I'll hum something to myself. Okay.

Did you see it? What were you doing? I was sort of trying to wait for you to be silent my eyes I'm saying hot stuff for and then I open them them and you said four. Yeah, okay, okay, okay, that's fine. That's fair actually. This is what we're gonna do, because I can't say it while you're singing. Why not? Because in the audio, it'll be like,

while you're singing really loud, it'll be like four. Okay, I have to wait until you're silent. We'll have to do it in post. We'll have to do it in the room. We'll have to leave the room. Fine. It sucks. Give me an hour.

He's really leaving the room. Okay. Jake's gonna think I'm gonna stick with four because I said, all change it. And then I'll stick with four, but I'm actually going to change it. I'm gonna make it nine. You saying four again.

Yeah. Yeah. You really almost came back too fast. That's really? Yeah. Okay, so now that we all know the number, okay, everyone does the number but me. That's correct.

All right. And you're gonna ask me to rank certain things, but you don't know what number I'm trying to guide you towards. Right. Okay. But I'm gonna be giving you answers that I think are a blank out of 10. Yeah. Movies.

Okay. So a movie that I would rank that number out of 10. Yeah. Is true lies. True lies, you know. So it has to be pretty mid because you couldn't think of a really shitty movie or a really great one. Let's go Um Who's a who's a five? In terms of attractiveness or just as your relationship to them my relationship to that person Yeah, I'll link out of yeah, ten We'll go Jeffrey. Jeff James.

Yeah. Okay. All right. So you could be trolling him. So it could be pretty low, but I guess you like true lies. How many things am I allowed to ask? Let's say five. Okay.

Breakfast. Okay, breakfast. The impossible sausage egg and cheese at Starbucks sandwich. I see. So not 10 out of 10 because that's the turkey sausage for you. All right. All right. What do you, what do you, what are you feeling right now? I'm feeling seven or eight, I guess got it. Uh, okay. Holidays.

Uh, holidays, I'll go, um, Fourth of July. Fourth of July. Pretty high, I think. You like Fourth of July, because you like barbecue sauce. All my answers are barbecue sauce, the sandwich also. Um, all right right last guess yeah Vacation destinations. Oh interesting Let's go

New York for me for you wow So I think ultimately low I think I almost part of me wants to say four again. I guess I'll go six. It wasn't six. It was nine. What? Yeah. Nine.

But not perfect. We're my answers. Wow. Wow. So Jeff is great but not perfect. Yeah. True lies not quite Terminator level, but like I really like that movie. Interesting. That's sandwich is very good, but obviously not the goat. Yeah. And then New York I

really like visiting. But it wouldn't say it's like my favorite. I think you really led me astray on that. Yeah. 9 out of 10. Yeah, you should. That's like a near perfection, near perfection. You think 4th of July is near perfection. Yes. I think Hanukkah that should have been Hanukkah for you. Hanukkah is good, but I don't want to be in bench for it's for number nine. Yeah. And it should have been the it should have been what's the goat starbucks breakfast sandwich? The regular sausage I can cheese. Yeah, I think it should have been the double bacon good as sandwich. Well, it wasn't even, it was just breakfast in general.

Right, that's true. Okay, let's play again with, I'll leave the room and you come up with the number. Okay. Just because that was such a poor showing by you. Yeah, I think you let me straight. La la la la la. La la la la.

La la la la for. La la la la for. They call me hot step four. I didn't think you would think I would say four again. Lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala,

lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala Number is six. I'm gonna think of all mids. And now we wait. That's how you do it fast, folks. Did you do it? Yeah. Did I say who gave us this idea? I doubt it.

Yeah, so I don't know if I said, but the guy who recommended this on Instagram was Matthew Galuzzo. So thank you, Matthew. This is also a game we played on the headgun podcast once like years ago. Okay. Now we've gave proper attribution. I can try to guess your number out of 10. I might have forgotten my number. Already. Yeah. Emma, can you hold up the amount of fingers? You forgot the number that you said. I know.

I didn't say it. I was double-vaxed yesterday. I'm tired. I'm tired of you asking me about it. Okay. Okay, you got it. I have it. Okay.

Let's go TV show. TV show. TV show. Billions. Okay. Pretty solid, but not your favorite. Not like on tarage level or something like that. On tarage.

Let's go clothing brand. Clothing brand. Old Navy. Hmm. Okay. clothing brand clothing brand old Navy hmm okay so I'm also in the 5 to 7 range right now solid but not your faves let's go actor actor actor yeah um Actor. Actor, yeah. Toby McGuire. The old Navy of actors. Okay, I'm almost ready to commit to five, but I'll give myself one more. Okay. Attractive guy.

Attractive guy. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Attractive guy. Let's go. Toby Mcguire. Okay.

Well, so you're, I don't understand how, because an attractive guy by definition would be higher on a scale. Yeah, I guess I'm thinking of like a really ugly person as a one and the hottest person you could think of as a 10. Is a 10. Okay, so basically you're asking me to like, give an attractive, a guy for this nobody. Yes, exactly.

Marty. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So now the game is just how hot do I think Marty is? That's right. Or how hot do you think I think Marty is? My number was nine? Yeah. Seven out of 10. Six. Wow. Yeah. I was already feeling six. And I went a little bit higher because I felt bad that you would call Marty that six. Well, I think I'm a seven and Marty looks like me. I see it, but you always want to be one step ahead. That's right.

All right, good game. Good game. You're closer, but I think I answered the questions better. This episode of our podcast is brought to you by another podcast. Impossible. Yes, very possible. And it's downright happening.

It's called See the Thing is, which is a show hosted by Grammy award-winning R&BB artist Bridget Kelly and media personality in podcast trailblazer Mandy Bee. Very cool. There's no Grammy's between us. Yes. Actually, no. I'm thinking of an Emmy. Yeah, that we didn't win. Right. Are you a millennial? Yes, not a millennial. Are you a millennial who misses what life was like in the 2000s? Oh, have you had a hard time finding new or curated music? Ooh. Well, twice a week, Bridget and Mandy have nostalgic conversations. And they have hot take conversations, and their opinions on the show are real and brought to you by the genuine connection that the ladies have with the guests that they like to call their friends with benefits.

Love it. The benefit is that they go on their podcast. I see. Yes, exactly. So each week you'll leave with some new music recommendations or curated playlists that you didn't even know you needed in their freshly squeezed music segments. And it's not just them. They got awesome guests like Remi Mav and Lathen, Chloe Bailey, Mooney Long and more.

Amazing. So if that sounds like something that's up your alley, just follow or subscribe to see the thing is on Spotify Apple podcasts or on YouTube, new episodes drop every Tuesday and Friday. Great. And visuals are available on YouTube Wednesday and Saturday. Okay, they're more prolific than we are. Yeah, shit. We should up our, up our game. Sheesh, thank you. See the thing is. Thanks. Thank you to uncommon goods for sponsoring this episode of our program. Oh yeah, baby. You know it's the season. It is? A gift giving, right on.

And it's hard to think about gifts to give to everybody in your life. There's so many people in your life that deserve gifts. Yeah, yeah. It's true. What does this person like? I don't know. Can I get this person that I love

and I should be able to think of this but I don't want it to be just a frickin gift card to a juice place. Though I would actually really appreciate it. Yeah, you do like juice. I love juice. Yeah. But if you're looking for something more unique and cool, how about you shop at Uncommon

Goods? They have a litany, a whole list of unique, awesome gifts that you can give, and they have like gift guides and suggestions, so you don't have to actually come up with anything It's just you load the page and you're like, oh my god, there's so many amazing options. Yeah, and they're all made by small businesses. Yeah, you're supporting craftsmen supporting artists and small independent businesses these fine products are often made in small batches So you can shop guilt-free. Yep, and they're often handmade and made in the US and Yep, and they're often handmade and made in the US and There's stuff from art to jewelry to kitchen home and bar on common goods has something for everyone That's right and whenever you purchase you make they give back one dollar to a non-profit partner of your choice

I'd actually really like for you to get me some jewelry Veronica Christmas this holiday season. I got you a ring for honor Yeah, and I really liked it. And I want another. So to get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommon goods.com slash segments. Yes. That's uncommon goods. Com slash segments segments for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer uncommon goods. They're all out of the ordinary. Nice. common goods, they're all out of the ordinary. Nice. All right, we're back. Yes. This is a segment I invented from scratch. Really? Yeah. I'm pretty positive. We got it as a suggestion. Really? Yeah. Well, either way, I'll take credit

for it. Have a conversation without using the letter A. Okay. So we're gonna talk as two normal people do. Right. But if you say a word with a letter A in it, you'll lose. Okay. Do you want to, because the first two episodes you've lost cash to me, you've lost $80 every time. Right. Do you want to put money on this one?

$80 every time? So I'm at 160. You're at 160. Yeah. Negative. Right. Do you want to put money on this one? $80 every time. So I'm at 160. You're at 160. Yeah. Negative. Right. Or we can put the cash onto a different part of the show. Let's put the cash. Let's put cash on this. Is it another, are we going to do another 80? We can do the 20 per time thing. What do you mean the 20 per time? Like every time someone loses. Okay, that's good. Yeah, 20. All right, and that would be the 20, 40, 80 if you use all three. Right.

OK. So this is me and Jake having conversation. Well, try not to do too much of a delay. Well, let's see how fast we can talk. OK. Without using the letter A. Hey. Hi.

What's up? You just lost. You just lost. What's up is instantly an L. Of course it's the third letter and what. You said hey, I said hi. You said what's up. Did you forget the game? Did you forget? Double Vax.

I was double Vax yesterday. What? What? Also your name was HAY. I didn't know how I figured that out. Okay, let's do it again. So that's 20. And that's just the first. Hello. Hi. What's up? Hi. All right, hello, hi, your turn. Sup! Good. Very good.

Right? Yes. Nice. Nice indeed. Then, well, let's just discuss corn. Let's turn is good. Corn is very good. Corn is very, very good.

When did you try corn? When did I try corn? 1989? Unlikely. Very unlikely. 89? Unlikely. Very unlikely. Why? Well, for one thing. Corn is...

Fine. Corn is fine. Yes. Yes. But I tried it in 1989. Did you? Yes. Prove it. How does one prove this kind of thing? Wow, receipts. Sure, let me dig up nine receipts. In which I consumed corn in 1989. Impossible. He's right. He's right.

He's right. I'm sorry. And oh, and I fucked up. Yes! And I didn't even notice. Okay, 20 bucks. Yeah. That's a wash right now. Okay, so for the last 20,

let's try to talk a little faster because when you take things slow, you can really easy. Yeah, you can really milk it. Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye. That's so slow.

Okay, I'm not this. New rule, you can't repeat stuff. Because I've been using that as a crutch as well. Okay. All right. Let's get started and. Good evening. Where are you going?

Nowhere, you? I'm off to... To where? The dentist. The dentist. Now. Yes. It's night.

No. No. It's noon. It's not. It's two. 2pm. You're telling me it's two in the morning. Right. How could it be two when- It just is? When it is blight out. There is... What?

There is- Oh shit, I said what? Oh, he did! He said what again. Which is the origin of your first mistake. Alright, so I'm out. If it was like we're playing a video game, we're just like sprinting.

It is two in the morning. I think that was fine. I mean, this is, it's like, yeah, I thought I had you on the ropes. I was like trying to get you to talk faster and then I got excited. Same new words. Wow, how's tough.

All right. It felt good to win some of my money back. Yeah. Ultimately, I'm out 180. Yeah, you lost $20, but it could have been 80. Yeah. Okay, fine. That's that then.

[♪ As long as the new segment... Impressions. [♪ As long as the new segment... Impressions. [♪ Impressions. [♪ Neither of us consider ourselves good impressionists. Uh-huh. Um... But we're also not terrible. I feel like I'm still playing the A game.

Yeah. Neither of us... Oh shit. Uh... So this game is we're gonna alternate doing impressions. Uh-huh. And we're gonna try to have Emma, our producer, our producer in the room with us, guess our impressions. Right.

Whoever gets more impressions to be guessed correctly wins. And you're saying you have to say the same sentence every single time. Yeah, because like if it's Homer Simpson, I don't, I can't have you just say, don't, that's not a good impression. You just know what that character would say. Right.

I think we should choose a sentence that we should say this in different ways. Okay. So what's an example of a sentence? It's kind of like the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. What's a good sentence that would give you the ability to put your own little flourishes on it. Yeah. Where, where's the bathroom? Oh yeah. I have directions to the bathroom. Yeah, exactly. Maybe it doesn't have to be verbatim,

but like you're basically a guy who really has the pee. Or a girl. Yeah, and then. You're asking, where's the bathroom? Yes, exactly, in your own way. All right, great, okay. So Emma, can you see us? Yes, I'm looking at the live edit, but I can see both.

Okay, so I can do it right into this camera. Yes. Okay. It's great to come. So this is my first image. This one's made number one. Mm-hmm. Okay, first impression, ready?

Where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom? All right, do you know who that was? Are you doing Trump? Nice. Oh! What are you doing Trump? Nice. Oh, I'm doing Robert De Niro. Yeah.

Emma sucks at this game. No good. You suck. Um, now you're gonna do Trump. Wrong. Emma, it's just a really good bathroom. Where's the bathroom? Can you tell me where the bathroom is?

Can you believe this? Where's the bathroom? Could you tell me what the bathroom, and could you believe this? Where's the bathroom? What's that, your impression? Yeah. No Emma! No, that was drum, finally. All right, no, that was cheating. All right.

Emma, where's the bathroom baby? Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yes, that's good. I should have done Arnold. Okay, Next one. Hey, Emma, where's the bathroom? I don't know. It's March Simpson. Is that really true? Yeah. Okay. Emma.

No, Emma, where's the bathroom? That's you didn't change your voice at all. It's just a visual effectation. Emma. No, Emma, where's the bathroom? You didn't change your voice at all. It's just a visual effectation. Emma? This is the worst Obama I've ever seen. Who is that? Clinton.

Oh, okay. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Okay, but Obama does the hand. Oh, Obama does? Yeah, he goes. Fuck. So does Clinton meet me. Clinton has lived in a good one.

Nah, I can't use it. OK, I'm trying to make him a very impression. Or is it? Arnold is good. If you have another one, you can go. OK. Hey, Emma, come on. Where's the bathroom?

Oh, this is your best impression. She's got to get it. Where did it go? Where's the bathroom? Oh, this is your best impression. She's gotta get it. Where'd it go? Where's the bathroom? Come on. I don't know. Oh, my God. What a big, that's right.

Yes. Nicole's stepping in again. More chemicals, covering my ass. Um, all right, that's good. We have two producers back there. So if one of them knows, yeah. All right, so I'm, and I feel like Nicole would have gotten March Simpson too. What did you think Nicole?

No, that was the one that I was like having no idea. That was like good March Simpson. That was the one that I thought was the best in my mind. I thought I was going to nail Clinton, but I think I only know how to say, I did not have sexual relations with that one. Yeah. Where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom?

Can't do it. What's another celebrity that I think I can do? This was your fucking segment. I can't get fucking two-fold personator, you did all emergency and you can't give a third Not a celebrity. Yeah, she is probably one of the most famous female cartoons of all time. You only thought of this because I was doing Homer outside. Um. Okay, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it.

Oh, hey, Emma. Why, why are you just the bathroom? I feel like the impression is great, but I have no idea who it is. Nicole. Um, uh, what's his fucking name from family? Got Cleveland? Yes! She got it! It's Cleveland from Family Guy. Shoulder movement, was that like a part of it? No, that was me sort of being stressed out. Oh, hey Emma. What the heck? Yeah, to pull it out. Yes, let's correct. All right, so it's one to two. Yeah.

We've each gone thrice. Yeah. Okay. Um. I'm just crying. Um. Now Emma, where's the, oh fuck, no, that's not right. Hold on, give me a second.

Are you doing butt-dovey or are you doing George West? You can only do presidents. I'm just going to do a Southern accent. Let's say you have to whoever you cast. Um, okay. Okay. Um, all right. Hey, Emma, where's the bathroom?

I think I know it. We're just only getting each other. Wait, if you don't get it, I'll be trying to do it. Yeah, it's a Jack Nicholson. Where you gonna get to Jack Nicholson's nice. Where's the bathroom? I think Nicole is just good at this game. I think I'm the problem.

I'm like fighting for the points right now. Someone in the call call just $180. All right, let me see if I can fart out one more. And I'm starting to realize all my impressions are of cartoons. But now that I know you watch family guy and the Simpsons, you do, you do, you obviously do. I watch the Simpsons.

I know. I can't watch the Simpsons. Okay, okay, that's good. Ready? Hey Emma, that's good. Ready Hey Emma was the bathroom Nice I've never seen you make that noise before No, that was no Do you have the key to say asking for it with the bell? Oh, I can do okay look

Oh, hey, no, that sounds like Cleveland again. That's Cleveland again. Where's the bathroom? I'm trying to do a pyramid. A pyramid. Yeah. All right, do you have a last one? I did.

I truly did. Now I lost it. I forgot. I feel like I could do Obama. Okay. Where's the bathroom? That's pretty good. I did, now I lost it, I forgot. I feel like I could do Obama. Okay. Where's the bathroom? That's pretty good. Yeah.

What do you guys think? The back Nicholson? I wouldn't have gotten it, but it was a bathroom. You said it beforehand. I feel like the impression of the day was March. And nobody got it. Yeah, March was a four out of ten. Where's the bathroom home? Yeah. Home. That's good. That's good. That's terrible. All right. Do you guys have one for us?

The marginal one's pretty good. Where's the bathroom? Oh, okay. I do. I don't know if you're gonna get it. It's pretty hard when you're put on the spot like that. I think we should have been allowed to say an iconic line of every single person. Yeah, that's too easy. Just redo the segment like that. Yeah. Um, where is the bathroom? No, that's not good. That's not it all that I was trying to do. That's the issue with this second. You don't know how it's gonna sound. You don't, you're like, all I can do this thing, yeah.

Yeah, my head is hurting. Well, I got most of yours. You guys got Markey Mark. Nobody got my Mark Mark. I didn't know that. No Nicole got it. All right, great. That was a wash.

I think I won, but it doesn't feel like that. Did we put 160 bucks on it? 180. We said, we said 180 at the end of the day. DIMTIONS! This is one I like to call, explain it to me like I'm five. Teach me something. Right?

Okay. But you don't know what I'm going to ask you. Yes. I'm going to ask you something I've constantly been wondering about, but never looked up, and you're gonna have to explain to me how this thing works. Off the top of the dome. Correct.

I have no idea what you're gonna ask. Okay. My question is how do they make tofu? Well, can I use it in the A's or no? You can use any letter, you know? Okay. Cause it's like this brick of what? It's like a spongy brick.

But then what's the process walking through? Well tofu comes from beans. Correct. And they get kind of, you have a silk screen? Kind of like a screen. Like a press, cheesecloth, et cetera, et cetera. So you're squeezing the juice out of the beans and then you're constantly hydrating that the beans

squeezing it squeezing the bean juice into a bean paste and Then you're going to allow that to dry in the sun The paste dries paste dries and it looks like a big old sheet and then you close the cheese cloth So oh, you're saying you're discarding the water. And what's left is that fiber of the beans. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly right. And then that spun that that the bean paste. Yeah, they sort of just mold that into it. Yeah. So like, yeah, you have a whole bunch of beans, but that's not tofu until you push all of the water out, extract all the water. So tofu is just beans with that water. Essentially. cracked all the water. So tofu is just beans with that water.

Essentially. Essentially. But it's weird because beans come in all colors, but tofu is very specific. You don't like them in all colors. Beans do. There's like red beans, black beans. That's actually a misnomer.

It's a common misconception. All beans are gray, and they're dyed that certain color. Yeah. That part you weren't wondering about backing it up. And they're dyed that certain color. Yeah. That part you weren't wondering about backing it up. Yeah. Are there bean seeds? Like how do they grow beans?

Well, you plant a bean and then that turns into a bean tree. There's no bean tree. Yeah, there's no bean trees. And bean is in a seed. Bean is not a seed. Bean is a bean. So there are seeds for beans. Bean is not a seed. A bean is a bean. So there are seeds for beans? No, no, no.

A bean is a bean. Yeah. A bean is a bean. Correct. That's how it's always bean. That's really good. But no, yeah, there are bean bogs. Bogs?

Bogs of beans. But they put seeds in. So there are seeds for beans. Nope, nope. A bean is a seed for a bean. You're saying any bean can be planted in a bean tree in the right environment. Yeah. Beans will grow. What about rice? Rice is an interesting one. That's bog-based. That's a rice patty. Yeah. So like, how are they making that? Are they putting seeds down and then rice grows?

Yeah. Seeds are, you so you can get a rice seed? Yeah, rice seed. You can get a rice seed. Rice seed. And you put it in the end. Because they're kind of like, I imagine they're like lily pads. And then what, what is a rice tree look like?

What is a rice tree look like? There's no rice tree. Like I've seen like, it's in apples being harvested. What does it look like when you harvest rice? I think it's, they grow like on top of water. So what does that mean? Like little right, individual rice, like things, grains of rice are just emerged from the water.

Right. Or are they in a plant? I don't. I have to know. It's a plant. What did I already say? Rice, oh rice fields, rice bugs. Rice bugs on water.

Yeah, they're going on water. So what? But is it a plant, like green plant, and then there's grains of rice in the plant? Yeah, the plant is underneath the water. The rice is part of the plant, but then it rises to the top. I mean, it breaks the rice off.

So like grains of rice are just falling off this plant? Yeah, they're, well, they're being plucked off and floating to the top, then the farmer's kind of raising them. So individual grains of rice are part of this green rice plant. Yes. And you've seen rice plants before. You can buy a rice plant that makes rice. I know. I you've seen rice plants before. You can buy a rice plant that makes rice. I'm not here. Not here. But it's like the most popular food on

earth. Yeah. But they're not. I mean, we don't grow rice in America. No, we're in America. Gross rice. No. So where's people growing rice? Asia. In Asia, people grow rice. That's right. And it's water plants. And then the water. water right and the price grows to the tall like tall Above the water. That's right. And then where's the rice grains in that plant? I hate this segment This is this segment is actually fucked up You're as dumb as I am You don't know the answer is either. No. Wow. Well, that's what I'm asking you. Right.

I'm hoping that you can explain it. And I did. Yeah. But you don't know. You're just guessing. I'm guessing, of course. Yeah. Can we learn now?

Oh, you want to actually know that. We have to. Yeah, I don't know the actual truth. That's powerful. I have to look it up. Yeah. Okay, let's take a break. We'll look it up and then you'll have the real

answers for us after these messages. Okay. Thank you to Athletic Greens for sponsoring this episode of our show. That's right. Jake, why did you give AG1 a try? Because I like feeling good and energized in the morning to start my day.

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Beautiful. Just go to athleticgreens.com slash segments. Segments. That's athleticgreens.com slash segments. Nice. Check it out. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Uh-huh.

We've been talking about Squarespace. I want to say since 1992. Yeah, forever. Honestly, yeah. Because they're still the best way to create a professional-looking website. They always happen. And they always will be.

Whether you have an event coming up or maybe just like a website or an online store that you want to build. A portfolio. Exactly. I mean, come on, a resume. You need a digital presence. Yes, and Squarespace is the best way to make a professional looking version of that.

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That's why you go to pinebutts. What you just saying? No? You're lucky I don't throw you into my seventh pool. .com. Imagine being so rich, you have a seventh pool. I have nine estates and seven pools. And my seventh pool.com is my favorite. Very nice. Also available, seventh pool.com.

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segments for 10% off. Thank you, squarespace. Bye. Okay, we're back. I learned everything I need to know about how rice has grown. Yeah. It sounds kind of like farmers plant their rice fields. They plant their rice fields.

They're seeds. Okay. There are seeds. Okay. And then it's a semi-aquatic plant, meaning they don't just water the field. So you were right about that. Yeah. So they flood the field. I feel like I remember this just from like a Vietnam class in high school about the Vietnam War.

Oh, interesting. Because I remember like seeing videos about their rice patties there. So then the fields are flooded. The rice plant grows to a height of it says three feet. And then the fields are drained and the rice is plucked. Yeah, but I'm curious, not that you have to answer, but I am curious about what that looks like, plucking rice from a plant.

I've never seen that before. And rice is the most plentiful thing on earth. You think it's like, when I can imagine an apple tree and apples with rice is like. Plucking the time is so much more. Yeah, there's grains. I mean, I'm sure there are machines that pluck all of the little grains.

Yeah. But yeah. I'd like to see a time lapse basis. Yeah, there's some videos we could watch them. I'd like to see a time lapse basis. Yeah. There's some videos we could watch them. I'd like to watch a time lapse of a rice plant. Yeah. And then time lapse rice.

Yeah. This is the crossover between the head gum podcast and us. Our collab. Yes, exactly. Exactly, rice. Exactly, rice. I was going to ask you also about how stocks work. Like when they say the stock price goes down.

Oh. yeah. That I feel like I understand more, but I also couldn't have killed it. Yeah, it's a tough one for sure. Yeah. Shagot! All right, last segment, you know what time it is. It has to be our first recurring segment of the week.

Poetry or noetry. I should say I have the pot really. So this is week three, we're already out of ideas. We have to bring it back by popular demand, poetry and noetry, but the twist is, now it's time for me to guess your poem. That's correct. You think my poem, Sadie Sucked,

wait till I hear yours. My shitty ass poem. I have less of a perception for this kind of stuff. That's right. You are more likely to fool me. Did you tell me the titles of your poems? I think you did, right? Last week before autumn was the right one that you cried at.

Yeah, that one is very good. Yeah. I found a poem that I was gonna read to you, but then I started crying as I was reading it, and I was like, I'm not gonna cry on this. And that was the one you wrote. Yeah, I am reading one of my favorite poems today. Okay. Okay.

This poem is called shampoo. You wrote it. Thank you for watching, everyone. You got it. And I rated out of ten, right? Yeah, that's right. Ocean breeze, blowing, bubbling, bonding to each tendril of hair

Smelling familiar not of salt or sand or seafood but of the mother who drew up baths Floating little boats toward my chubby kid body Lassing laughing as if nothing would change. I now shampoo myself trying to forget her number in the kitchen on top of the fridge in the basket under my coupon book as the suds whisper the smell of ocean breeze permeates each hair and hangs on like a child to her mother. Okay, you were talking about giving your daughter a bath yesterday. So maybe this is your interpretation of that, or just a happy coincidence, because it does look like you're sort of affected

at that press. But you also know that I tried really hard in my poems. I could make myself cry. You could also have done like your version of the Shower Slush Bat poem. Anything's possible. This next one's called Conditioner. This poem is called,

in the dark we crush. Crush? Yes. Okay. Crab apples for the sound of it. Light cannot be bitter. The backyard licks us. Blue like kindling. The fox we caught with the shoebox. Your shirt is a constellation in the tent of recovery. If you release the hand, you relax the animal. Bookshelves hold up the moon, I sweep your fur into a feeling. I put you into my memories on purpose. Moss smuggles stars into your cheeks, inside your body's future bravery turns to pulp The flashlight pench not not over yet not done the flashlight pench them your face sounds like that record player Electric electric and spinning let's grow old together. Don't be scared of Gertrude Stein be brave

Okay be scared of Gertrude Stein. Be brave. Okay. Okay. Last one. Autumn's long past. So this is sort of the last leaf for Winter's style. Seasons. Poems love seasons. Yeah. There are some passes. As I was looking, there are a lot of recurring buzzwords. Yeah, yeah, tendrils and themes. Many tendrils,

fireflies and stuff like that. Smoke, a potbellied stone. Leaves, Jewelryd, and Hawksong, the Chevron parking lot in the gloaming. What question don't you know the answer to? A rabbit cage in the potting shed, embers of your cigarette in the dark. That was one of the FIKE and last leave of autumn. You're obsessed. Keep breathing. Where did you learn such a thing?

Hold on, I'm getting a call. Only shut its Gertrude Stein. Street lights flicker like your eyes, like the last light of one more goose summer. Head's turned as well. Head's turned as shadows grow longer, reaching, reaching. Okay. Ugh. I'm pretty sure the first one is the one that makes you cry. So I'll eliminate that one.

You're eliminating shampoo. Eliminating shampoo. Okay. So then I'm down to the one about Gertrude Stein. Don't not be afraid of Gertrude Stein. Let's grow old together something. And then that last one, which is like, again, cigarettes in a parking lot,

Chevron, very like Americana. Right. The second one was pretty long for you to write. You know, it like took you a minute to read it. I don't even remember what it was about. What was that one called? That one was called in the dark we crush. Which, it sounds like a title you'd come up with.

And then what was the last one called? Last? No. Autumn's past. Yes. Okay. A tale from Autumn's past. So I- Autumn's long past. Yeah. I think if I had to guess you wrote the third one because the second one was kind of long and involved and the third one had

cigarette and parking lot and gas stations and wallowditch. I know you liked from two weeks ago. So you don't think I wrote shampoo? I do not think you wrote shampoo. You're correct. You did not write shampoo. I did not write shampoo. Shampoo is the one you love. No, I just discovered it yesterday.

Okay. And I do love it. And it did kind of make me cry as I read it. As it sort of has evokes the generations. Yes. You getting bathed and then you giving a bath. In the dark we crush one of my favorite poems. I wrote it. I am able to appreciate it.

I wrote it all slugged. So I guess correctly. So the second poem is one you love. Yeah, about the passage of is one you love. Yeah. About the passage of time growing older together or something? Yeah, it's kind of like nostalgia. Yeah. And now let's read.

I thought the third one was about two, but I guess I read your poem quite again. And I will be discussing and dissecting it at length. Sadie style. What was it, a fucking chevron? It took place in a fucking parking lot. I tried to use a gas station that you would think I didn't use.

Yes. On a road in Wisconsin. Read me the cigarette line. Because you did steal it. I honestly think it's plagiarism. I feel like what you did was illegal. It's funny because I did steal cigarette, but not from that poem.

It was from a different one that I was reading when I was trying to. But that one also had cigarette in a parking lot, like the cancer. Yeah, it was cigarette in the car, the cornfields. Yeah. Embers of your cigarette in the dark. So what I tried to go for was-

And it's called the last leaf of autumn. Autumn's long past. Yeah, seasons. Mm-hmm, yes. Classic. Actually, autumn's from when I was in high school. That was what I was pulling from. Okay.

Some of it was random, but then some of it was, I tried to make personal. So, I think that's where I maybe got tripped up. Let's start from the top, actually. Jewelweed and Hawksong. Jewelweed? Jewelweed. That's my sister's nickname.

Okay. Hawksong is, we just like Hawks. Got it. So, kind of just like hawks. Got it. So kind of just like me and my sister are setting a stage. Setting the stage. Chevron parking lot in the gloaming. I just like just seeing a distance of a gas station that's still lit while everything else is

started. Yeah. You know, like a ghostly gas station. A nice light for the oil and sunset, but before it's dark. Sunset. what is that? Goose summer is something I found out yesterday from Emily, which is kind of when the summer lasts until the fall. Goose. Yeah, they call it a goose summer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So yeah, kind of just thinking about autumn, but like that one more warm day. Exactly, it goes 81 degrees in October. 80 in October. I could have called it 80 in October. Right. That's too much similar to right now. Not what it been nice though. Yeah. Anything else? Yeah. Oh, I had, so I had the line, a rabbit cage in the potting shed. Uh-huh. Before I had the wood stove in the potting shed. But you're like, this is too obvious. Yeah, I was like, wood stove? He's gonna call my ass out. So I came up with a really random thing,

which is rabbit cage. Yeah, but no. Unrelated to anything kind of. Because really what tipped it was the cigarette. What was the line cigarette line? Embers of your cigarette in the dark. Embers of your cigarette in the dark. Yeah, that feels like kind of just like a generic poem.

It was. It was. This was actually the, this is probably the one line from the first pass that lasted. And then how does it end? Head's turned as shadows grow longer, reaching, reaching. That's death coming for everybody. Yeah, that's pretty good.

I like the idea of shadows growing longer as the sun is setting. Yeah. Have you ever written a poem because you really like poetry. I like the idea of shadows growing longer as the sun is setting. Yeah. Have you ever written a poem because you really like poetry? I've ever taken a stab out of yourself. I've written beyond that. Yes, one poem.

Not just that. Yeah, yeah. I wrote a real poem. You wrote a poem this one. That's horseshit. You fucked me up. I've ordered that out. It only took me like eight hours yesterday.

I painted it. Emma, did you like that Europe poetry appreciator? What were your thoughts when he was reading it? What are you thinking critically? I didn't know which one was yours. Wow. Wow. That's awesome.

High compliment. Did you like that first one? That's fine. Shampoo didn't speak to you. That's okay. Yeah. Or of a two-in-one conditioner. Oh, God.

That's incredible. Um, way in below, Sadie versus Otomnolief in a parking lot. No, Autumn's long pass. Autumn's long pass. I should have known. I should have known with more conviction. Yeah.

I mean, the segment is gold. Right, we have to, one of us haven't to get the other. Yeah, I think you were a little more certain because you got a keen eye towards real poems versus not. For me, I'm like, these all sound vaguely in the same realm. Yeah. We, I feel like the deduction for yours was,

like, I tipped my hand with the first one. Yeah. And then the second one was too long, too long. Yeah. And for yours, I was like, moved by the first one, and then the other one was a high coup. Because you wouldn't have done a high coup, not for this segment.

Yeah. I feel like the shorter it is, the more easy it is to fool. Like, if I came up with a high coup and read three other high coups, you wouldn't necessarily know. Definitely. But the more I is, the more easy it is to fool. Like if I came up with a high coup and read three other high coups, you wouldn't necessarily know. Definitely. But the more I talk, the more I give away. Yeah. It's like when you're examining someone

and you think they're lying, you want them to keep talking. Right. Because they'll eventually trip over themselves. Yeah. That's why I for you to write that second one, I'm like, this is so long for you to like, keep going on and on. Yeah.

And you love that one, the Gertrude's down one. Yeah, that's a great one. That one's also about just and on. Yeah. And you love that one, the Gertrude's down one. Yeah, that's a great one. That one's also about just getting older. Yeah. You release the hand, you relax the animal. Very cool. And Goose Summer, oh wait, no, that was the one I wrote. That was my beautiful shit.

They're all starting to blend together. Actually write this down, magical tapestry weaving on a loom in, out, in, out. It's all about cigarettes and empty parking lots. Poets, lo, cartons, rivers, and cigarettes. Maybe I'll try to write a Mary Oliver poem. That's cool, I don't know who that is. Really?

She's one of the most famous poets. I feel like we learned a lot today. Impressions. Rice. Rice. Yeah. Poems. Wave length. Okay, impressions, rice, rice, yeah, poems, um, Wave length? What was the third one? And of course, and of course, the first segment we did. No, first one was wave length.

Second one was impressions. I thought, no. Oh, the letter A, talking about letter A A. Nice, it's funny, we forgot. How quickly we forget. She closes a textbook. It's a distinct thought. She hasn't felt since 11th grade. Dennis Quaid. Tipped tap, tipped tap. You don't fucking know how to write poems, man. I know what to tell you.

It wasn't Sadie. What could be? All right, again, thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. Thank you for your segment suggestions. Yeah, I keep them coming. And we have more of us on our Patreon patreon.com slash a J.A. Who knows what segments we'll leak onto there? That's true. So far, it's just us watching Jake in a mirror videos. Yeah, but we could do extra segments over there. That's good. Anything is possible. Slash probable. Yeah. And we'll be back, of course, next week.

Goodbye, everybody.