If I Were You - 04: New Restaurant

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

In this episode we discuss fatherhood, food, and Jake & Amir quotes. Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgema original. Check out my two juice that you can't forget. In 2010 they were big on the internet But then three bail pilots To reject it movie scripts One last ditch ever To try to stop the crib of going to shit. Seven.

Another podcast. Seven. Each episode from the last. Seven. It's the Swiss Army Nightbook show. Seven. Meet your two pathetic hosts. Seven.

Seven. Seven. This is week four. Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. Another podcast. Seven. Each episode from the last. Now let me to two pathetic homes So let me have this.

This is week four, episode four of segments. And I'm still loving the theme song. In the first episode we called out for video editors to create a 90s theme style, growing pain, so much. And have we seen that yet? We haven't seen that yield yet. Because it's only been a few days since that episode came out. But by the time this comes out, you never know.

There's a world where people have created works of art for us. And there's a world where segmentia has caught on to the point that the populace is demanding we change the name. If we change the name, we'd have to change the theme. Yeah. It would be a list of the segments over. Yeah. Another part.

Yeah. Segment, but it wouldn't be able to say that. Yeah. Yeah. No, not even a lot because the whole entire vibe would be different. It would be, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But that's not your problem.

It's not your costabare. Sigmania! Yeah. Sigmania! Well, you know the song, Listomania. Oh yeah. Sigmania. Yeah.

Sigmania. Sigmania. Yeah, we'll just be that. Yeah, that's fine. Who sings that song? Um, that would have to be... It's called Listomania, right? I think so.

Which almost is another good name for the podcast. Right. Yeah, because we all just talk about lists. It's not like modest mouse, but it's something at Jason's. Yeah. It's like that. Emma and Nicole, do you know, Listermania? Phoenix?

Phoenix. Yes. That makes sense, actually. It's great to know. Okay, so for right now, you're still listening to segments. So appreciate that. Yeah, namaste. Namaste.

Thank you. Thank you. We sort of settled on a cadence of five segments per show, but it could be less, it could be more. Right? That's true. For example, our first segment today, You sort of settled on a cadence of five segments per show, but it could be less, it could be more. Right. That's true. For example, our first segment today, we don't know if it can last two minutes or 45. Yeah.

Because it is actually a suggestion from one of our Instagram viewers named has to be Daniel. No, I think it was Nick Domiel. Wow. Did you remember that? Yeah, clearly. Well, not perfectly because I said Daniel, but I think it was because Domiel was the last name. Domiel 42.

Home, it says, you guys should invent a restaurant. From scratch, yeah. Okay, so let's blue sky. New restaurants happen all the time. Some of them are Thai and some of them are not. Yes, some of them are American, some of them are Greek. Yes, some of them are juice bars, some of them are cafes, some of them are lunch spots, some of them are taco trucks.

Yes, and they're all different themes in the styles because if you want something to eat, you'll usually go to that place. And you'll have a craving, you'll say, I want pizza. Exactly, and then you'll find one that's nearby. Yes, or you'll have like to that place. Yeah, you'll have a craving. You'll say, I want pizza. Exactly. And then you'll find one that's nearby. Yes. Or you'll have like a super salad.

The restaurant goal is actually more about space. It's actually about the size, slash shape of the container than anything else. It's more about the to go. It's how you integrate with seamless, grub hub post-made to Uber Eats. I'm not close to done. I am not close to done. with seamless grub hub post made to do you want to do to done. I am not close to done postmates Uber

East grub hub seamless. I'm struggling to think of other ones. I think there were you will you trust my train of thought. And there's a getter I can we start at least from the top. Yeah. First thing you have to answer is, do you want sauce mixed in or on the side? Right. Well, that's, are we talking salad?

Because I'm also down to do a sushi. Interesting. Because that's easy. You don't have to cook anything. We wouldn't need to, because as I said, it is about space. And how would we like to not even have a kitchen? It's more about cold storage.

What are your thoughts on holding the walls versus expansive open concept, warehouse style seating with plenty of space? I don't want a lot of overhead. I don't want a lot of overhead. I don't want a lot of overhead at all. Do you like reservations? Or do you like showing up, put your naming down

and then put your little, reservations you can sit at the bar for your first come, first come, first serve. Well, menu at the bar or do we have top slash appetizers at the bar? And how about the liquor license of it all? How about the liquor license at, yeah, but we have wine and beer.

You can have that at the bar. Or you can sit at a, is there a corkage fee? You can sit at a, Emma, where are you going? He's like, he's screwed up. He's screwed up. See those tables, what are the two tops?

Three tops, you can sit there and have a full, and sometimes there's like weird rules. Like, oh, you can sit at the two tops and order from the full menu, but if you're at the bar, you ask me that. You're not saying that. I think they just have to be, yeah, there has to be rules. We have to be a restaurant of law and order.

Yes, we are the law and order restaurant. That's exactly right. I'm down to call it something like. Well, let's choose the cuisine, obviously. That's the first, that's the biggest one. Yeah, are you looking to fill a hole in your neighborhood? Fig and ladle. What do you think about that?

We have fruit soup. Okay. And a size hold on. Charcoal, knuckle, and core. Charcoal and spleen. Well, we have to think of the cuisine and then back into the mouth. Okay, fine.

It's, well, what's something that's missing like? A moosh-boosh. It could just be a moosh-moosh. Right. It could just be a moosh-moosh. I'm saying, is there something you like having near you that's not near you? Well, it's worth a sort of flush with every kind of restaurant. Is there like something that's missing?

Mm, something that's missing. I will say- Tell him that's enough to be in New York. Yeah, the Asai, we had an Asai lunch, and it was subpar. Yeah, it was terrible. So I think the, sometimes like the fresh stuff that I got used to really like the NLA

doesn't translate over here, not as much. I wonder what the reasoning there is. We're far away from all the produce that's all grown in California. That's the difference. I think the same backyard bowls can't exist in New York because it's the produce. I don't know. It seems like the way they make it is the big deal, but I don't understand. Maybe it's the volume. Maybe like the juice press or whatever, juice kitchen or whatever we went to on like Broadway. Yeah. They're doing so much more

volume. It's the Uber Eatsification of restaurant. There's too many people to serve. So we don't even have to open our restaurant in LA or New York. We could use this sort of medium city in Beechland or Ann Arbor. Yeah. Denver. Yeah, I don't hate Dallas. Yeah, Dallas would be interesting. Sacramento, actually, I just, just in Sacramento, it's great. So you got like a nice downtown, a walkable downtown.

Oh yeah, historic downtown. Past, by restaurant that we opened up. And what is it? Is it a burger? I do it. It's a burger. What's something that both of us like? We both like grilled stuff.

We like stuff on a grill. Yeah. So we could do like, well, we like fancy versions of fast food. Okay. Yeah. So it's like, oh wow, this is a burger, but it's like fancy versions of fast food. Okay. Yeah. So it's like, oh wow, this is a burger, but it's $23, but it's really nice. Yeah.

Okay. What about, what if it's a huge grill? Uh-huh. Okay. It's kind of like, it's Habachi, except instead of Habachi, it's barbecue. Barbacabachi. Barbacabachi. Yeah.

We have Barbacaba or Habachi. So it is like, it's a habachi chef, but instead of grilling. It's a benihana style restaurant. Yes, exactly. But it's American chicken at you. Exactly, right. Exactly, right. So it's like benihana meats.

Yeah. And you're allowed to choose two meats and two sides. So you can have sausage and beef. You can have chicken kabob and a grilled salmon. And then the sides, you can get mashed potatoes and french fries, double the starch, double the fun. Mac and cheese in a trough, in a bowl. And it's reservation only.

And it moves. It's sort of, you don't know what it moves, but you sort of lock in and you don't have to make a res. You can just say, oh, do you have a table for whatever? Is it open for breakfast? Do they have coffee? So I wouldn't think so. Yeah.

This is more of a 5 p.m. to 11 p.m. I think mostly being a brewery is where we are going to get it. I don't care or know anything about beer. Yeah. So I don't want to have to hang out. Pizza? Pizza's fun, but you can really get. Because you can grill that on the grill. You can do like a pizza, it's called pizza mac and cheese,

which is a cool side. So, oh, what's that? Oh, it's tomato sauce, cheese, and pepperoni on macaroni. Okay, so it's flint and poultry. Poultry, poultry. Poultry. That's how you light the grill. What about if it's gas and caulk?

Coc. Yeah. Coc and swine. Coc is actually pretty cool. So does chicken or pig. Yeah. Coc and swine. Coc and swine.

Yeah. Yeah. So you go there, you can sit down at a grill. Right. It's a big grill for the entire restaurant, a giant rectangle. Right. And you order your meats and he's sort of, there's a grill mass, yeah, or a cock and swineologist. Right. Exactly. Exactly. And you sit down, you say,

I'll have water and cock and swine as a side of mash and hash. Yeah. And potato flasks. That's honestly, it's not bad. Yes. And it's in Denver, Dallas or something like that. Should we have a cocktail menu? I'm wondering because I really don't really, really like beer at all. So I'm wondering if you could use it. So cocktail menu, Midnight in Marrakesh. What's that?

That's the name of my fucking cocktail. Midnight in Marrakesh. Yes. And it's gin, bitters, a huge cube, a lemon peel. And did I say the bitters are from Angostora? Where is that? Near Morocco, maybe. Maybe.

You don't know. It's midnight in Marrakech. Yes, as a cocktail. As a cocktail? They should be on tap slash draft. So you can just, you know, that's like, oh, can I get an old fashioned and it comes out of a fucking?

No, no, no, no, no, it has to be it's no it's all mixologist Because that's what it's gonna take to make Midnight America. I should say I already forget the title of the restaurant Midnight America No, that's the title of the drink Cock and swine So cock and swine cock because this chicken, but there's also cocktail grandfather's watch. Yeah, that's the name of the what? That's the name of the whiskey drink. Okay. What is that? It is gin.

Only have gin on the brain and in the restaurant and it's whiskey gin. Yeah whiskey ginger ginger whiskey and they smoke it. It's a smoked sort of whiskey ginger ale. Yeah, smoked whiskey. And it pairs well with the cock. Yeah, can I get a cock and a cock? That's a cocktail and a chicken burrito. How about glory holes in the bathroom?

Ha ha ha. The stars. The stars. Okay, segment two is a quiz of sorts. Yes. A parent quiz, actually. That's correct. You've been a father for how many months now?

Almost six. Okay, almost six. And at first, you were new at this. You didn't really know. Did you feel overwhelmed out of your depth a little bit? I felt like we were, we had a lot of help and I had read one book and Jill had read 30 or 40.

So between the two of you, your 31 books deep and you had some help. I felt like I had, I had some good instincts and then Jill knew everything. So yeah, it all worked out in the end. Yeah. So or so far so good. Now you're six months deep. Do you know infinitely more or you see like you're mostly at the same but the thing is it all changes so fast. So now I know everything I could have

about having an infant or a newborn but I have an infant now. So like now I don't really understand what I'm doing. You're basically two weeks behind. And then as soon as you learn everything, two weeks of a more advanced baby is like a whole new ballgame. She is everything. Yeah. And here's a question just in general for you. Not necessarily your new father IQ, but let's say day one through three, the baby was 100% of your brain always thinking about baby, baby, baby, baby.

What percent do you think you're at now six months in? Interesting. I guess I have compartmentalized the two different parts of my day. If I'm in my house, it's still kind of 100% baby. Always baby. You're never just like eating salmon at home with your dog going, oh, I forgot about baby.

No, don't forget, if she's nearby, I don't forget about the baby. But like, you know, I got to work today and I probably have thought of the baby, you know, maybe a handful of times. So mostly like, zero percent at the office, but not zero, but like 10 percent. Yeah, 10 to 15 percent.

100 percent at home, I think. Okay, that seems healthy. Maybe. But% 100% at home, I think. Okay, that seems healthy. Maybe. But ask for your new father, a cute. Let me ask you this. Yeah. This is from babycenter.com. Okay.

So these are all things that I should know the answer to. Correct. How long should you let your newborn cry before responding? Okay. This seems subjective, but maybe there is a industry standard. Yeah. Pick them up right away instead of letting them cry Okay, five to ten minutes 10 to 15 or until they stop

This is interesting because I feel like as they get older the difference to five. It's the five minute I but I also wouldn't I didn't like I Think When when she was a newborn But I also wouldn't, I didn't like, I think, when she was a newborn, it was pretty much right away, but it wasn't like, I didn't treat crying like it, it was an emergency, but it was like something, they want something.

Yeah, something had to be addressed. So you didn't ignore the baby. Yeah, but now I think, now she's at the stage where she cries just because she's bored and she wants our attention. So, you know, you don't necessarily, nothing is an emergency. And there are different sounds to the cries, too. So depending on the cry.

Yeah, I know what her bored cry sounds like, and I'll attend to it, but it does say newborn. Okay, so I'll say right away. Pick them up right away. Because that is definitely what I did. Okay, should we do answers by answers? Or should we? Yeah, let's go answer by answer. When a newborn cries, the best thing to do is tune in and respond immediately.

Great. Nailed it. Love it. How many times does the average newborn eat? Three meals a day. Every four hours. Eight to ten times. Or every hour on the hour?

I think it's eight to 10 times. I believe she was eating every two hours, which is why people say like the newborn is the most sleep deprivation, because every two hours you have to be awake and feeding and then cleaning that up. You have a two hour cycle. Because it's not like every two hours the baby needs to eat and then cleaning that up. You have a two hour cycle. Right, because it's not like every two hours

the baby needs to eat and then it's over. The baby eats and then the baby needs to be changed, put back down, wrapped up. Yeah. So there's 20 minutes associated with the eating and then you put them down, it's like, all right, well, she's gonna be up in an hour. Yeah.

See, I'll say eight to 10 times. The average newborn eats eight to 10 times or every two to three hours. Yes. Some babies will eat more and others less, whether your baby is breastfed or formula fed, be ready to serve around the clock. That's true. And that's one of the great luxuries of being able to afford somebody else to do that, so you're not waking up every two hours.

That's right, that's right. Not everybody can afford to do that. Also, it's expensive to pay someone to feed your baby every two hours. My baby did me a real solid by never taking to the bottle. Cause like, if she liked the bottle, Jill could have pumped and we could have split the nighttime duty.

I see. But she wouldn't drink from the bottle. She only wanted Jill. And there's no rhyme or reason. I could flip a coin. And the baby's like, no, no bottle. And still is that the case? Still the case.

She was in the same. She was not being fed every two hours, though, anymore. No, now she eats much more, you know, regular, maybe like four or five times a day. Okay. But still in the middle of the night, four or five hours. No. No one can go through the night without any food. Yeah. She sleeps from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m.

On a good one. And then when do they no longer need the milk at all? They go straight to food all the time. I think around five to six months, they can start eating solid. Some people do that earlier. But right. And Gemma eats solids sometimes, but still primarily breast milk. So she can do jill a solid by eating solids. Yeah, yeah, she could. But she won't. Yeah. They both love it. What's the standard advice on how long after childbirth, you should wait until

you and your partner can have sex again? That's one's easy, never, just say we're never allowed to. That's not one of the options of for sure. When we got one week, six weeks, three months, or six months, I believe it is six weeks. That's correct. Some women will be right before others, but generally speaking, after a vaginal delivery, your partner's doctor or midwife will advise

that they wait six weeks before having sex again to give her body enough time to rest and heal. Yeah. Don't really think about that because you're so consumed with the baby, but I guess there is an industry standard, six weeks. Yeah. And when you go through the whole process, it is not the sex, but the toll that it takes on someone's body is very front and center. It's a big theory. Yeah, yeah, it's a massive undertaking. Yeah.

Even in a like a C section is like basically slicing open. It's like this C section is like, it's crazier than childbirth. I think the recovery time is longer. Yeah. You're dealing with scars and stitches and saying. What's the number one leap? Never leave at home without it item you should bring for an afternoon at the park with your six month old

frisbee huh oh with it with who that's the baby thought it was dingo that was my dog out of side out of mind I guess your cell phone a burp cloth, a video camera, a diaper, or sand toys. Sand toys. Let's say diaper. Though you may very well want the other items you can't go far without a fresh diaper. That's true.

And wipes. Where's the weirdest, most public place you've had to change Gema's diaper? Weirdest? I mean, we've done plenty of like on, in the trunk of the car, just like open that door. I think the hardest one was on the flight to LA. You got to shoot in that bathroom.

She's shit twice. And the issue is not the change, like that bathroom, so small, they put down the thing. You know, the changing table goes over the toilet. You can't really bend over because the ceiling is so low. So I had to just kneel down on the floor. Yeah, like you're puking in the airplane toilet. Yeah, and she pooped.

Sometimes you have the poop like because it's wet. It kind of sprays out the back of the diaper up and out. And it goes up the spine. Right. And it goes all over the onesie. Yeah. So then I'm in the, I'm in the airport bathroom. Yeah. The airplane bathroom. The lavatory. The lavatory. The taverns a little bit. Yeah. She's, she's like kind of screaming. There's shit all over her onesie, all over the diaper. I don't have a change of clothes in my hair. And then I open the door after dealing with everything.

And Jill is just standing there with all of the flight attendants. And Gemma's wearing no clothes and just a diaper. And I was like, there's everything okay. Jill's standing there with the flight attendants because she's waiting to see how it went. Or she's like, hey, all the flight attendants, I might need to break this door down and help. Yeah, she had come over with another one, Z.

Yeah, and I guess they were all laughing at me. So you did say that part. Yeah, okay. You did nail that one so far, though, a diaper. Great. And when you're doing that in the laboratory, you're like, Jesus Christ. This is intense. You're just like, no, this is fine.

Like this is fine. Yeah, diapers are nothing. You're used to it at this point. Yeah, I can be covered in shit and everything is fine. Completely desensitized to it. When can you start reading to your baby right away, four to six months, when they can sit up on their own, or at least one year old, right away? Yeah, start now.

It's never too early to read to your child, but that's what they say. Yeah, and Gemma now, at five months, she can read Good Night Moon. It's incredible. Covered a cover, no issue. Just cover to cover and shit that too, right? Pa pa, read me Good Night Moon again.

Ah! She's fully literate. You can't walk yet. She's a genius. I'm trying to find one that's hard. Yeah, all these ones are seeded. Do you think you knew the answer to any of these? I guess you should be answering too.

Yeah, I mean, I have the interest in front. Oh, I see. Yeah, I knew the feeding time was like every two hours. I assume diapers are important in reading soon. Yeah, you're unusual. Yeah. What do gracco, peg parego, and McLaren have in common? Let's go not even multiple choice here.

I mean, I have no idea. They build sturdy strollers. No. Never heard of them? No, there's not. And I did a lot of stroller research. That seems to be an ad. We can talk Nuna, Upa Baby, the Duna.

Yeah. But never heard of Greco, Peg Perego, or McLaren. No, I guess McLaren, I have seen him a McLaren stroller. Okay, here's one that's interesting. Yeah. Which one of these should use to clean your baby's umbilical cord? Okay.

Do you ever do that? Do they have like a little excess cord? Yeah. Early on. Yeah, but we didn't clean it, we didn't touch it. You didn't touch it. That's the thing that like turns black and falls off. Yeah. Okay. Rubbing alcohol? Nothing. Soap and water or baby shampoo. Sounds like nothing. Yeah. Doctors used to recommend cleaning with alcohol, but now they just say, leave the stump alone. Yeah, I think that was the hardest, for me, that was the hardest part of having a baby,

seeing the black nub. Just being afraid of it constantly, because I hurt. Now I can change her diaper, and she's so robust, and she's kick in, and I'm like, put in the diaper on. She's not fragile. But before, she was so tiny,

and the diapers were so much bigger than her, like you're folding them over, you could basically fold the diaper over and cover more than half of your body. And everything, you needed to fold the top over so it didn't irritate the little cord. Just everything felt so fragile and scary. And now she's a little more sturdy. Yeah, now I know that I couldn't break her by accident. Were you there when the stump fell off? What is that? Yeah, I was, I think I was, I actually might not have been like there.

I think Jill texted me. I think it was like walking the dog or something and fell off. Yeah, it fell, it falls off like a loose tooth. Yeah, they basically just, they clamp it so it like scabs over and then the scab part falls off and then the belly, then the other part forms your belly button. Interesting, yeah. Okay.

What's the safest position for a baby to sleep in? Okay. Not gonna give you options this time. On its back. That's correct. Research has found that putting babies who sleep on their back significantly reduces the risk of sudden infant deaths syndrome.

Yes. Is that a big one for you guys? Or is that something you don't even talk or address? You definitely are petrified of it. Yeah. Because it's just this random thing that happens. Yeah. You can do everything right.

It's a half-full. Yeah. Just like constantly 10% thinking about are they breathing? Yeah. Like all the time. The first time I put her in a baby carrier, I was like, oh, this is so cute. This is so cute walking down the street that I had to stop. Feel her.

I think she's great. Okay. So cute. Every time she was asleep, just be like, this is really cute. She's breathing, right? She's breathing. Great, great. Okay, so cute. Every time she was asleep, yeah, just be like, this is really cute. She's breathing, right? She's breathing. Right. And it's, I think like one of the things that like they say contributes a little bit more, like that, that, that, um, kids that you died of, kids had, um, some like soft stuff in the crib, they flip over onto their stomach and basically like, don't breathe because it's harder for them. died of SIDS, had some like soft stuff in the crib. They flip over onto their stomach

and basically I don't breathe because it's harder for them. Right. So we're constantly aware of like, I remember when we were decorating the baby's room, I was like trying to find like bumpers for the crib because I thought you're supposed to have them. But apparently like that was a big thing when we were kids and now no crib, like I couldn't find them anywhere.

I was like, why doesn't Pottery Barn sell any bumpers? So they want like an empty bear and flat crib. Her, it looks like a prison cell. Her, your crib, it's a, it's a flat sheet, nothing else, nothing in there. But she just learned how to flip over onto her stomach while she's sleeping. Yeah, which is horrifying,

because I'll look at the baby monitor and she's just like, playing on it. Like, no! Gemma, no! What are you doing? Because she the baby monitor and she's just like planking on it. Like, no! Gemma, no! What are you doing? Because she can flip over and she can't flip back. So she's like, you just watch it and go boink and then she's stuck in that position.

Yeah. Like a fucking beetle. And then you gotta go in there and flip her back. Sometimes, or sometimes she's let her sleep. And this is the thing that we're dealing with now. We're like, she will be sleeping and then kind of toss and turn, then roll on to her stomach.

She can't flip back and then she starts crying. So we're like, should we go in and flip her back? And there's like two schools of thought. And it's like, don't go flip her back because she needs to learn how to sleep on her stomach. And then also now we're at the point where like, she can flip on her stomach so easily. And we've been going in every time that the doctor is saying she knows what she's doing. She's like doing that to get you to come in.

Like, do you think they're that smart at that? Well, they just are doing anything to get you to come in and pick them up, which is what they want. I that's what the doctor is saying. And so she's shrieking like there's a wasp in her diaper or something, because she just wants us to come in. Like, she knows that if you reach us a certain octave, we freak out. Sleep training. Yeah, that's what we're doing now.

When does the teething thing happen, where it's like, oh, she's crying because it hurts, because her teeth are coming. I think around, around now, like six months. But every kid is different too. Somebody once told me that babies were born with all their teeth. Their kid teeth and their adult teeth are in their skull. That's crazy, but I guess that makes sense.

Yeah, they don't grow them. They just like have them and then they grow in. They grow up, yeah, weird. The rest of the stuff seems pretty subjective, slash kind of offensive, like what should you bring your wife when she breast feeds? And what does baby blues refer to? Postpartum depression.

Yeah, stuff like that. Okay, great. I fucking kicked ass. Yeah, you're sort of a hundred out of a hundred. That's awesome. Dad, should you tell Jailer, just she's she sort of know already if you can get in touch with her I would love for her. Yeah, I'm seeing her in a bit. She hasn't yeah, she well she moved with the baby with the baby Yeah, but I have the dog and the rest why I knew the frisbee. I do the restaurant

As soon as we lock and swine I think is actually gonna win her back Because ladies drink free before we'll make a man's over a midnight in Marikash. And can I get a sausage with pizza mac and cheese? I own this. After all, it's your eye. Burning hot. All right. Thank you to see the thing is for sponsoring

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Yes, very possible. And it's downright happening. It's called See the Thing is, which is a show hosted by Grammy Award, winning R&B artist Bridget Kelly and media personality in podcast trailblazer, Andy B. Very cool. There's no Grammys between us.

Yes, actually, no. I'm thinking of an Emmy. Yeah. That we didn't win. Right. Are you a millennial who misses what life was like in the 2000s? Ooh.

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So if that sounds like something that's up your alley, just follow or subscribe to see the thing is on Spotify, Apple, Podcasts, or on YouTube, new episodes drop every Tuesday and Friday. Great. And visuals are available on YouTube Wednesday and Saturday. Okay, they're more prolific than we are. Yeah, shit. We should up our game.

Sheesh, thank you, see the thing is. Thanks. Thank you to uncommon goods for sponsoring this episode of our program. Oh yeah, baby. You know, it's the season. It is? A gift giving, right on.

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Incredible. Thank you, helix. Thanks. Thanks. All right, we're back. Jake, what's segment three? This is the newly friends game. Interesting.

So it's kind of like newlyweds. I found these questions for friends. Yeah. I answered five for you. I answered five for you. You answered five for me. Okay. And then we're gonna try to guess what each other said. All right, you start so I can sort of follow your lead.

Okay. What fictional character best represents me? Now remember, I answered what I think about you. So I would say what fictional character best represents me, and then we're gonna see if you guessed my answer correctly. So I would say the fictional character that best represents me is probably a cartoon, rather than like, the guy from Catcher and the Rire or some shit.

Hold and call a few. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I put. I said. I said, a fictional character. Who's sort of a dickling weasel troll man with a heart of cold slash gold, Bart Simpson? Very close.

Mill House. Oh, I feel like Mill House a lot. Yeah, I use that glasses. Yeah, okay. That's close. Yeah. Bart's best friend, Mill House. Right, do you want to go with one of your questions?

You want me to go all five of mine? Um, yeah, let's do all five years. Okay. Because it's hard for me to wrap my head around who's answering what? What is your favorite thing about my personality? So I answered my favorite thing about your personality. You like that I don't get overwhelmed

or stressed or angry or anxious at people. I do like that you're level headed, but actually my favorite thing about your personality, you are sensitive, deep down. That's not true, but thank you. I know you are. But what am I? Not only do you know that I am, you're your favorite thing about me. Your favorite thing is that I'm sensitive so deep down that it's never even out. Which means you don't get, I don't get flustered or stressed out

very easily. So we sort of have the same answer. That's right. So you're right on one. If we swapped lives for a day, what would you look forward to the most and the least? You thought I would say I would. Oh, yeah, I think I answered this one as if I, what would I look forward to? What would Jake look forward to? If you swapped lives for you.

If we swap lives, what do you think I would look forward to? I guess surfing in LA. Close. I wrote, hooking up with Avi Tall. How is that close surfing? I just didn't want to make a big deal of it. That's a slasher meal of it. What would I not look forward to? I guess her finding out that it was actually you all along

and that some sort of fucked up cheating went down. Close, I wrote your tiny dick. What is the best meal I've ever made for you? Ooh, probably a grilled cheese. I answered the best meal I answered, the best meal that you ever made for me. What do you think I said? That I'm the best meal I ever made for you.

Have I ever cooked for you? Maybe my mom has. Is it my mom's cooking? Left over so that my mom made us. And then I heated it for you at night. Actually, you made me steak. Do you remember your old apartment? I believe there's a video of it on your Instagram

or maybe my Instagram. My old apartment, I made you steak. Which apartment? I believe there's a video of it on your Instagram or maybe my Instagram. My old apartment, I made you stay. Which apartment? 34 Berry. Wow, I had no idea. You don't remember? It's one of my fondest memories. Well, I'm so fucking sensitive deep down.

I think I repressed the whole thing. When can I tell that you're stressed? When do you think I can tell that you're stressed? When can Jake tell that I'm near a stressed? Yeah. When he doesn't make jokes. Interesting. I said I basically can't.

Oh. Oh. Yeah. I don't really get stressed that often at the wedding I was very overwhelmed and I just want like this a lot. Oh yeah, that's true. So like a deep gunner. You'll make a noise.

Yes, I will make a noise. Okay. I actually don't have a small penis though. It was obviously ingest. I'm just kidding. Piece of shit. Yeah. Sorry about that.

My questions for you. Out of the words, clean cluttered and hoarder status, which I think best describes my house, Jake would say clean. My house? Yes. I guess that's true. Clean, yes.

You guessed that's true. I think that right now, you're militant about it being spotless all the time. Which is why I think my house is cluttered right now. Because a single blender was left out for hours. I'm aware that if anybody else came into my house, they would be like, wow, this is so clean. Yes. Actually before, Gemma, they would be like, wow, this is so clean. Yes.

Actually before Gemma was born, I was obsessed with finding like an organizer. I literally wanted to pay someone to come and like organize our closets. Yeah. And we had like a consultant come over and she was like, your house is really clean. It's not a six-strips.

I should really only have clothes, right? Yeah. So, but if you opened. I should really only have clothes, right? Yeah. So, but if you opened my closet, I would be like, I have to bring this to the basement. It's like, yeah, we have like a spring jacket in here, but that's gonna go down into a bin. Yeah, it's very clean. Yeah, that's clean.

Okay. Watching at home, although has the baby changed things, that's one of the things people say about babies. Like you have kids in your living room, it's just like, there's toys and blocks and blankets and shit everywhere. Yeah. I really do not. Right now there is a lot of baby stuff, but it's all we keep it pretty contained. I think when Gemma starts wanting toys, it'll be really hard. We're like walking around right now. She's indifferent to everything that we have. Yeah. So it's

kind of easy for me to be like, we don't need this, we keep this put away. It's like she wants it. She just wants to hold a bag that I'm holding. All right. But soon she'll have like, mobiles and blocks and puzzles and stuff. When she starts wanting, when she starts pointing at things and asks for them, I'm fucked. Yeah. Then I'll have a lot of stuff like that.

What does Jake think a mirror's worst quality is? So what do I think you think my worst quality is? You're detached. You won't get, I guess it's like the same thing as your best quality. You're so rational to the point where I sometimes feel like I'm being gassed lit. I see. I cannot be vulnerable or serious.

That's true, that's true too. Sort of wrapped up in the same thing. Yeah, yeah. You're emotionally distant. What am I most terrified of? Jake, what would you say you're the most terrified of? I think I know the answer. Okay.

What would you say? Oh, bugs, water bugs, cockroaches. Oh yeah, I went with a much more serious, my parents getting older. Yeah, losing, yeah, for sure that's the real answer. But bugs is for sure number two. Right, definitely afraid of anything happening to my parents, but also if I saw a video,

I'll watch it on my mom. Forget it. If it took me days to respond to a text, what would most likely be the reason you're answering yourself? And I'm trying to guess. It would either be, I guess there's a couple answer, busy with the baby, traveling in Australia for no reason. Or travelers diaria. Travelers diarrhea. If you have travelers constipation,

sometimes you'll travel somewhere and you just haven't taken a shit in days. No, there's no way you're looking at your phone. No, look at my phone. If I didn't, if I wasn't shitting, what am I doing? Yeah. That's true.

Okay, so let's go ahead and say, Let's go ahead and say, what would you think that I would say? Recording a lot of NAD pod. That's pretty good. I said, you're trying to look at your phone less. That's true. I'm actually, I feel like the other day, I was like, I think I'm addicted to my phone right now.

Again, yeah, so maybe I do need to look at it less. What is your favorite memory that we share? What would I say that you think? Is your favorite memory we share? You know, it's definitely not the steak thing because as we said, I don't have memory collection. Favorite memory that we share? Maybe the road trip?

Oh, that's good. I did something similar. Australia tour with Streeter. Yeah, that was good. Anytime we go somewhere together, that's good. I did something similar. Australia tour with Streeter. Yeah, that was good. Anytime we go somewhere together, that's more memorable. Yeah, our first time in London, do you remember that?

We rather than do like one show for a thousand people, we did 10 shows for a hundred people. Yeah, that was back. Poorly conceived. That was a bad idea. But you had a scooter, that wasn't really a hundred in your life. Right, yeah, that was actually a low light.

I was like walking up a hostile up to the sixth floor or something. I was broken, I had broke my heel. Yeah, your heel. Yep, the heel was broken. And your spirit too. Yeah. I don't know if we got any of those correctly.

Also, although I did say your house was clean, but you said it was cluttered. Yeah, I think it's, I admit that it's clean. I think you're, I think you're right about that. Thank you. Yeah, I think we don't know each other at all. The thing is we know each other too well.

More than I do myself. Yeah, I think so. The fact that I'm sensitive deep down is something you know that I don't even, I'm not even willing to. You don't even believe it. No. Yeah. And again, the tiny dick thing was a joke.

I mean, pull it out. Let's see it Starway All right, we're back. I pulled down my dick. It was average to slightly above average. Yeah Right and it's cold in here. So slightly above a huge Thanks, man Thanks man. Uh, segment four, let's play Jake and Amir trivia. That's right. Okay, so I collected a bunch of Jake and Amir quotes. Okay. Um, basically all from a Jake and Amir quotes Twitter.

And these are, I believe all lines that you say and you're going to fill in the blank. Okay, these are fill in the blank, Jake and Emere quote trivia. A perfect score on this is 11, because there are 10 with a bonus. Ooh. Okay, I think I'm gunning for six. Okay, speaking of six, when I was six, I had a wish to blank.

When I was six, I had a wish to. I had to wish that blank. I have no idea, I don't even know what episode this is from. Really? Yeah. The line is, when I was idea, I don't even know what episode this is from. Really? Yeah. The line is, when I was six, I had a wish too. I had a wish that everybody I knew would be dead. How's that for a wish? Really bad, I guess.

I believe that's from your 30th birthday episode. Yeah, that sounds more familiar to me now. Okay, that was a good warm up, but I'm ready. I'm ready to dominate now. Yeah, this one's actually kinda hard to do. Oh, and I should I say feel free to play at home? Yeah, play at home. Play at home, let's go to your sport. Yeah. Well, this one's actually kinda hard to do. Oh, and I should say feel free to play at home. Yeah, play at home.

Play at home, let's know your score. Yeah. Math. Ha! Math was crap. If you wanna know why, then steal a hen. I was gonna say that line, but you said it all. Yeah.

There's two more lines. Math, ha, math was crap. And Emma, if you know the answer, please just chime in as well. Yeah. As a Jake in your historian, I'm sure. If you wanna know why, then steal a hen. sure. If you wanna know why, steal a hand. Oh, if you wanna know why, steal. Learning shit is for nerds and jocks.

Don't believe me, ask my uncle. That is correct. Yes! Really hard to remember. I think it's a big no sense. Nor does it rot. On purpose, yeah. All right, it's a poster of a clock, right?

But instead of the hour marks, it's little beers, accepted six, accepted six, that it's beer 30 or something. It's close. 30 past beer, it's very close. Accepted six a clock, it's little ears. Cause listen up, it's beer 30 and I'm thirsty. Nonsense, yeah, I will never remember that.

One out of three so far. I've never had a normal conversation with a normal person in my entire life. I know that it's written on a shirt. Yeah. How's that for a shirt? I'm a loser. That's it.

Nothing about the shirt. Right, okay. One for four. I'm a modern. That's it. Nothing about the shirt. Right, okay. One for four. I'm a modern day Robin Hood. I steal from the bitch and give to the whore. That's correct. Yes. Two out of five.

This one's really hard. Anybody want a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich? I tried to finish it, but could Nate get her done? I... Something, something, something. Like I tried, tried, tried, but failed or something like that. I'm full as a kite and I just might stop to eat you out. Yeah, that's good.

I think it'll a little help. Gangnam style, you don't say. No arm warmer, no tank. A lack of zero compression pants. That is correct. Yeah, some of these stuck with me and some of them don't sound familiar at all. Dear Mrs. Bonds, I believe this is actually my line.

Dear Mrs. Bonds, today is the first day of the rest of your wife. I have admired you from afar. Scratch that. I have Aladdin to you from Jafar. That's correct. And then this is your bonus. There's another one.

Align after that? Yeah. I have a lad into you from Jafar. I'll give you the first part of it. I would love to take you out to a meal of sushi. My treat, if I can have a seat on your face or something like that. That's it. Yeah. My treat, if you will treat meat to a seat on your face or something like that. That's it. Yeah, my treat, if you will treat meat to a seat on your face.

Love it. The worst email you could ever send. And it bounced back. It's for mail or daemon. What's the means? She's with Matt Damon. Yeah, that's a that's a quote of an episode. Why don't you dump your iPhone boyfriend

and get with this man droid? That's correct. Creak your up. Which is you at a bar? Yeah, me alone. Yeah, in line to get in the club. Yes. Dump your iPhone boyfriend and get with this man droid.

I believe I end up piggling my, dumping my phone in a jar of pickles. Oh no, that's inside, that's a different episode, inside a jar of bar. Inside a bar, I dump my iPhone in a jar of pickles. Oh no, that's inside, that's a different episode inside a jar of bar. Inside a bar, I dumped my iPhone in a jar of pickles to get a kiss on the cheek. Create your own, create your own reality and don't wait for happiness. It is only once you live in that,

that, that, that zone that you can be joy or something like that. It is only by creating that, that, that creating that joy that you can be in the zone. Oh, pretty good. Pretty good. How many are left? That was it? Oh, I did pretty good. You didn't do bad.

I think it was about half. Yeah, five or six for sure. For sure. Do you think you have a better memory about this kind of stuff than I do? I don't, but we should try. Yeah. We can, we'll get some more quotes for another segment.

I actually, I do better with the quotes that you say than ones that I do. Interesting. Maybe because when I'm saying it, I sort of black out. Yeah. And when you, when I'm saying it, you listen, so you can react. Yeah.

So I can treat meat to a seat on your face. Yeah. That was really good, actually, for the poetry section that we wanted to do. You think so? Yeah, I think there's something there. Yeah. We've been writing prose for a long time.

It's that we've been doing slam poetry our entire career. It's time to switch it up to slant rhymes and stuff. Yeah, that's a good idea. Ta-ki! All right, last segment. Yep. Also one that we've done before, but with a twist.

Yeah. Okay. So this is we've done before, but with a twist. Yeah. Okay. So this is based on the game where we said the word trashy over and over until one of us laughed. Yeah. You laughed three times and you lost $80. That's correct. Now we're going to be doing a variation on that in which we say the same word over and

over, but with new pronunciations. Okay. The word, I'm just looking at a sign behind you, signal awards, signal awards, signal awards. Okay. So we'll go back and forth saying, are we doing it better? Are we just doing it all through 20 bucks?

20 bucks. Yeah. This always starts with you being very con. That's right. Yeah, let's do 20 bucks. You're not down several hundred. Signale awards. Signale awards. Signal awards. Signale award. 20 bucks you're not down several hundred a wards signal awards signal

Awards signal or sig no words sign all SINAL SIN P P P

P P P P P P P P

P P P P P P P P P

P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P bathroom Carlson. Bathroom Carlson? Yeah. What word is Carlson? I would say that's what it's Tucker Carlson. Tucker's middle name. Tucker bathroom Carlson. Alright. He's gonna laugh already

at the idea of bathroom Carlson. You're laughing. Oh, it Carlson. You're laughing. Oh, it's funny so far. You already laughed. I'm sitting in the box. Dathroom Carlson. Bathroom Carlson. Bathroom Carlson.

Dathroom Karelzane. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. The goal is you're a word, 20 bucks on the line. Wait, so we're at 40, right? 40, I owe you $40.

Yeah. In addition to the 20 from the last episode. Yeah, so we're 60, yeah. Maybe a little nod to cock and swine. Oh, cock swine. Cock swine. Cock swine. Cooke swoon.

Cakeswain. Cockson. Cakeswained. Cooke swoon, cake swain, coxin, cake swain. Cooke swain, coach swain. It's not the spirit of the game, you're changing the words. You're changing the word, coach, cooke swain. Clox lain, conch. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Oh man, that's good stuff. That's a, that's adult humor. Yeah, so you're back to nothing for that.

It was double or nothing. Was it double or nothing? Yeah, I really appreciate that. I'm giving you that. So you're down to just owing me 180 total. Yeah, but I paid you that 180. You paid me 160. Oh right, not the last one.

So I owe you another 20. Yes. I think on balance, I'm actually trending in a good direction because the first two episodes I lost almost $200 to you. $80 million. Yeah, then the next two, I have only lost $20. Which is pretty soon, you'll just break even. Which is really what most podcasts are.

Right. You rarely lose money at their own. Exactly. Exactly. All right, sweet. Another ep of SEGS in the book. Oh, we wanted to shout out Oops All Segment's podcast. Oh, that's true.

They DM'd or left a comment saying, you guys talked about our show on your show. Yeah. Jake even went so far as saying, I was going to seal the air show. They prefer it was in February of last year. One of our last episodes, they made a theme song for us. Right, and they gave him a shout out to Upsal Segg, and she was like, I love that title. Actually, cut this out, let's steal their show.

Let's steal it, yeah. And then in nine months, we actually did kind of steal their show. Yeah, exactly. Completely forgot that we said that. And then what makes it even more cut red handed as a fact that you said you was going to steal it. And what is their show?

Their show is a podcast where I think it is different. Exactly like this. We should have the monitor to be cast. To be honest, I haven't listened to the show, but just by the title, oops, all segments sounds like they just do a series of segments. So they'll support their show in Not ours. Yeah, or both maybe. So shout out to the at oops, all segments podcast on Instagram, right on, right on.

Sorry for saying we were going to steal then actually stealing. Joking steal becomes real steal. That's my bad. And but they took it very, well. In stride. Yeah, they were not mad at us. That's great. So appreciate you guys.

Shout out to them. We're not doing us. Shout out to you guys for watching or listening. Mm-hmm. And if you have your own segment ideas, leave them as comments below. Yeah. Comments. Tweeted us. Instagram. Anything you liked so far, we've done about 20 segments so far. Some of the things. 19 actually because we've done poetry or no retreat twice.

Yeah. And then the word thing was new. Ish. Ish. For sure. Do it. Making each other laugh in different ways is good. That's a good recurring one. Yeah. I kind of miss close your eyes and I'll give you a treat. Sure, do it. Making each other laugh in different ways is good. That's a good recurring one. Yeah. I kind of miss close your eyes and I'll give you a treat. Mm. Oh yeah, did you get my note about shut your eyes and guess where I'm gonna touch you?

Yes, I did. Okay, I did. Yeah, yeah. So actually that's pretty good. Write down where you think I'll touch, you shut your eyes, you'll write down where you think I'm gonna, or no wait, you know what?

I thought it's your currently touching me and I have to guess where. No, all right, this is what it is. You shut your eyes, you'll write down where you think I'm gonna, or no wait, you know what? I thought it was, you're currently touching me, and now you have to guess where. No, all right, this is what it is. You shut your eyes. I'm gonna get up and come close to where I'm going to touch you. And then you'll guess, and then I'll touch. I'm just gonna touch it. I'll touch it very lightly.

Okay. Okay, ready? You have 15 seconds. Okay. So Jake is getting up. He's sort of walking around me. My eyes are closed. Boundary stomach really hard. All right. So I'm ready to guess. I will say you are close to touching my right elbow.

Left elbow. Oh! Right. Left. I was gonna say left. Really? Well, you didn't, you owe me 20 bucks. Motherfucker.

That was my right elbow. Really? Ha ha ha. All right. Snuck in an extra bonus, Jonas segment right there at the end there. Why not? Why not?

You guys deserve it. And we'll be back next week. Goodbye everybody. happy to say that my podcast, Factually with Adam Conover, is now on the Headgun Podcast Network. Factually is a podcast where I interview some of the most fascinating experts on the planet to reveal shocking truths and thought-provoking new perspectives from around the world of human knowledge. I've interviewed everyone from professors to Pulitzer Prize winners about topics like the true dangers of AI, whether generations actually exist, and what laughter is. And if I'm doing my job right, you'll be laughing along all the way

because I keep the conversations funny and informative. My previous guests include Trailblazing Disability Rights Activists and Hero Judith Human, FTC Chair Lena Khan, author and copyright activist Corey Doctoro, and bestselling authors like Yvonne Nora Harari and Susan Orleen.

It's an investigative comedy podcast for curious people who never stop asking questions. Subscribe to Factually With Adam Conover on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And be on the lookout for new episodes every single Wednesday.