If I Were You - 05: Mystery Guest

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

This is a head gum original. J. Can't Amir, two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010 they were big on the internet But then three bail pilots Two rejected movie scripts One last ditch ever To try and stop their the career of going to shit Seven, another podcast Each episode different from the last

Seven, it's the Swiss Army Nightbook show We'll spend it each and two pathetic hosts Seven, yeah Now let me to put that echo So that's... Yeah! Yeah! You know who used to write a lot of TV theme songs, like the ones that we love?

Who? Sit, come actor. Famous Sit, come actor. Huh. Would write it and sing it? Or just write it? I think he would write it. I don Would you write it and sing it? You would write it? I think you would write it. I don't know if you would sing it, but his son became a popular singer. Robin Thick. Yes.

Alan Thick. That's right. Would write the theme songs. And then he also was like the dad and growing pains. Wow. That's cool. Good on Alan. Good on the Thicks. And good on Monchhi for writing that one. Good on Paris. Namanshi. Namanshi.

Yes, yes, yes. All right, this is our first remote record of segments, which means a lot of moving parts, but hopefully we figured it out. We had to do it ourselves, but we're here. I'm filming myself. It seems like it's going fine. Yeah, it's the odds of it all going out off without a hitch or low, but we can see if we can pull it off. Yeah, but at the very least, we're using, you know, real cameras instead of just the record

at the zoom. So still watch it home, everybody. Yeah, this is still on YouTube. This is still on the YouTube's, of course, it's on the YouTube's. Yes. This is also our first episode where we're surprising each other with the segments. Yes. We each came up with two segments. That's right. That's right. Okay. I have a pretty involved one to start. So I think we should get right into it. And this is, okay. I swung for the fence is high risk high reward segment. All right.

Get nervous and excited. Oh, wow. I am. I'm so focused on my own segments. And I didn't even think about yours. Yeah. This was like at my wedding. I was so nervous about my vows that I forgot.

I'll be told it was going to be talking about me for 10 minutes beforehand. Yeah. It really throws you off when you're trying to go off book. Okay. So here's the segment. And I really hope this works. It's called mystery guest. I'm going to invite in. How many people do you think we both know? Ever in the world that all your friends, all my friends, everybody we've ever met together, co-workers, past and present. Oh, I mean, it's co-work, hundreds? Hundreds.

Yeah, maybe 500 to 1000. Yeah. So I made a list of everybody and I invited one of them to join us today and I told them him or her to join as a mystery guest and you could ask him or her. Yes or no questions. 20 questions. Yes or no questions. Yes. Okay.

No answer. Yes or no. Wow. Okay. So I'm going to make quenchedle. Is it quenchedle? It might be that level. Like there's so many people.

Okay. Or might be someone that's Like there's so many people. Okay. Or might be someone that's insanely close. We don't know. This is the beauty of the game. Who would you feel comfortable asking is this thing? That's right. No, I've heard. No, I've heard it's D.M.

It also might get spoiled instantly because this person may not have changed their zoom name. So I'm going to ask you to close your eyes while I invite them. You're welcome. So at the very least you to close your eyes while I invite them. So at the very least, if we have to change the name or turn the camera off. Okay, my eyes are shut, not watching. Okay, and this is, you know,

it's really hard to coordinate just us, let alone adding somebody. Yeah. Okay. Eyes are still shut. Okay, eyes are still shut. Okay. Eyes are still shut. The message has been sent.

Okay. I want to shut my eyes for this. Can I just open them until you are going to invite them into the Zoom? No, I've already invited them into the Zoom. Okay. This is a good start. Hold on. The name is mysterious. So the Oh, this is a good, good start. Hold on. It's, the name is mystery.

So the person had this amount of shit together. Wait, close because there are, but their camera might be on. We don't know yet. Okay. I don't know. My eyes are shut. Okay. I'm adding.

Okay. Mr.Guest is in the name of mystery. And the camera is off. Great job, mystery. Yes. So far, no spoiler. Jake, you can open your eyes. Okay. Mr.Gga is still muted.

So the goal of Jake's game is to ask yes or no question. This is anybody we both know. That's the guarantee. We definitely have both met this person. At least once as many as millions of times. Okay, okay. I hope you don't get it, and I definitely hope you don't get it instantly

I told the mystery guest they can answer in the chat or with their voice disguised. I was really hoping we'd get voice Yeah, or you can you can chat mystery guest mystery guest. How about this? Can you hear us? You can respond in the chat right now if you can hear us Yes, all right,est is in the chat. Okay, so Mr. Guest, do you want to respond in the chat or do you want to try to use a disguised voice? Yes, no. Chat. Mr. Guest is pro-fash.

I'm already thrilled without, like I thought there was a chance that I invite this person and it's like, oh shit, my camera. And then it's like, it doesn't work. Okay. So that's like Dave Rosenberg, level of unpreparedness. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Okay. So I wonder if it is Dave Rosenberg. He was definitely on a short list of names. That could be your first guest or no. No, it's all right. Are you sure? Are you, yeah. First one, are you Dave Rosenberg?

Drumroll, please. No, okay. Mr. Agess says no. Did you work with us at College Humor? Wow. Second guess. Yes. There we go. Yes. Okay. Did you work with us at College Humor in Los Angeles? Ooh, good question. Yes, yes. Somebody in the LA office. Did you work? Well, you're three questions deep, right?

Yeah, okay. Were you a writer? No. All right. It's very funny. We're to see you ask and then the chat responds. It's like we're talking to a really old computer. Were you in post-production?

Did your fifth question? No. No. Okay. So there goes my mic-shop mic shop, yes. That's a really good guess. Yeah. Were you in sales? That's your seventh guess? I guess. No. Okay, so it's got to just thinking. In sales, nobody, I just felt weird going into right into production. So I think where you in production pure production needs to be pure. No. What other departments did we have?

Your eight questions, D1234. Yeah. Okay. Did you work in the office? Okay. Amir just wrote eight in the chat that threw me out. Did you have an office instead of like being out open in the open bullpen?

Okay. History guest. Great segment so far. No. Okay. So they're in the bull pen. Yeah. And they didn't work in marketing? Oh. No. Okay. You're 10 questions deep of 20. Okay. This is when usually a hint would come. But I feel like you're fairly close. You know the office. I can't. I can't go. Should we go to voice for the last 10 questions? Mystery guest, you can veto that idea,

but it might give Jake an opportunity to sort of glean who this could be. V2. This person does not want to realize. Okay. Mystery guest, are you a man? Oh, no. Holy smokes. So we know that the mystery guest is a lady who worked with us at college humor in LA, but not in marketing or sales. Was it? Yeah, marketing

sales, writing, production, or post production. A counting? Were you in a counting? Holy shit. No. Mr. Nower, I don't know what other jobs there were. Okay. Mr. Guest, did you work in the office every single day? Great question.

Yes. Okay. Every single day, remember that pre-pandemic lifestyle Mystery guest are you an actor? I Need a hint you can ask you can ask personal questions, you know, you don't have to like, you could play guess who? Like you don't have to say like you're keeping it very politically correct and trying to narrow down the job. Think anything.

Okay. Fine. Mystery guest. You're at 14 questions. Fuck me. Lady at the office worked in the open. It's not Noanie, right? You have to ask. Mr. guest, Are you no need?

No need Yeah, if that would have been awesome, I do that would have been absolutely savage, but that could be the level of human We both know yeah, mystery guest. Did you know no need? Oh good question Yes, finally. Okay. Okay. You're 16. You have four questions left before you have to make the guess. I have to, I don't, I truly can't think of anybody at the office. Does your name start with this letter?

Are you this tall? Okay. Okay. Okay. Fine. Yeah, that's great. Mystery, yes. Are you Christine Rodriguez?

Fuck it. I'm going to go for broke. Jake's down one and he just shot a half quarter. This is truly so hard. It's very fun for me. I'm over the moon with how this segment has gone so far. Mr. Yes, will I recognize you when the camera turns on? That's also a really good question. Were we good friends?

Yes. Well, recognize. So that's 17. Yeah, 17. You have 13, 14, 15, 16. You have three questions left. 18, 19, 20. Yeah. I shouldn't have guessed about the jobs, because now I just, I keep on thinking of writers. Yeah. OK. Let's go ahead and just say, I mean, it's not a writer, it's not a writer.

Ha, ha, ha. Are you happy that I'm stumped? This is incredible. Mr. Guest, are you having fun or are you sort of nervous and scared? Yes, I'm good. They're having fun too. That's good. Okay.

God, Mr. Yes, did you work in the New York office as well as the LA office? That's a really good question. That's a really, really good question. And it's a yes. That's 19. You have two questions left. It's not Emily. It couldn't possibly be Emily.

Emily. Is it Emily Axford? No. Are you Emily Axford? She was a writer. No. That's the night. So you have one question left and then you have to guess. No, are you Emily Axford? She was a writer. No, that's nice. So you have one question left and then you have to guess.

I've already made three or four bad guesses. That's right. Who else was in both the offices? Who could you narrow down like 50-50 to like? Oh, answer for the voice for the last question. Holy shit mystery. That's really good. Mystery guest really showed up this segment. Not as good.

Dude, I had any other guests. It's a really good mystery guest. This is a recurring segment now for sure. Yeah. Mystery guest also wrote a poem. Really? Yeah. Mystery guest, did you, you did I did we?

Sit Near each other and the no, that's not a good question Okay, okay, New York office. Okay Wait, so the mystery guest will answer with their voice for this question for this question. Yes This is your last question I guess mystery guest. Did you? Did you? Were you still working at College Eimer when a mirror and I quit in 2014? Yes. That was the sky's voice, huh? No, that's the real voice, unfortunately. I brought in a cat. That was really good.

And I loved the fact that you didn't know who it was. All right, you're a guest. You have to, you did 20 questions. Now you have to just take a shot. Katie Maravitch. Katie Maravitch. All right. The mystery guest will show you on video I'm recording the mystery guest without further ado. I've seen the fucking Let's see. Let's fucking...

The mystery guest is Jillian. Live your child. You were talking to Jill this entire time. Not even close. So many guesses. So let's get... Hey, sweetie. I'm talking to Gemma. Matt at assert. Hey, sweetie. I'm talking to Gemma.

Matt at Jill. Yes, Gemma. Hey, Mama. What's up, Keith? Yes. There she is. I'm sorry to move with anything other than yes or no. He would have figured out who it was.

I thought he'd be like right away. Did you work at College Humor, Jill? Like third one right away? No. Didn't even consider it. No, I was sitting here sweating about like, it just being somebody from like sales that I didn't know when the camera turned on.

And I was gonna have to be like, oh my God, Patty, it's good to see you. She's rolling over with joy. I mean, that was great, Jillian. That really, really, I guess I stick. Yeah, that is good job. Good job, good job, Jillian. When you said no, I did want to write law, no.

That would have been a great one though. By the way, you would have gotten no, and 14, Jillian, you did not get after 20. Yeah. Well, you know what, fucking trip me up. She didn't move to LA. When we, did I ask if you moved to LA when we did? No, you said did she work the LA?

It's great in the end. God damn it. God damn it. She tried. That was fantastic. Good job, Gemma. Your mom, your mom is a scoundrel, Gemma. And this segment aligned perfectly with Nat time, so.

Wow. No babies were exhausted as a making of this segment. Excuse me. Happy for Gemma. Love you. Her dad's a moron, Gemma. What do you think of that? All right, Julian, thank you.

Great job. Good God. Good God. All right. Love you guys. Mm-hmm. Bye-bye. Fuck you, man. Fuck you, man. That was really good.

The times. Really good. All right, we're back. I mean, what are we going to go to? I thought it's like, Jake and him, you're trivia now. Like, there's no beating that. That was perfect. Yeah. Yeah, that was, that was really good. That was really good. I don't know what, what else to tell you? To look on your face and you realized it was Jill was great because it's like oh right she worked at college humor. I absolutely forgot about that. Maybe because you see her in a non-college humor

context as well. Exactly. Exactly. Would you call Jill a college humor friend? No, of course I would not. That's right. Yeah, no, that really got me. That absolutely got me. I feel like I can breathe a little. Yeah, you were nervous. I was scared. I was scared it wouldn't work. I was scared that you would know right away.

I would scare the voice with tip of the way. I didn't even explain the talking versus texting. I was sort of decided in the room. Wow. Yeah. And the time change. I feel like I got to coordinate. Yeah, you got got. It's the same feeling as a surprise party. Yeah, yeah, except where like you invited, I was nervous the entire time. It was a surprise party where you might have invited like somebody, you didn't want to talk to you. Yeah. That would not really find me as if you guessed an X and then boom, Jillian joins the show. I wonder how, so I, for my segment, I need to share my screen. Okay. But I also need to hide one part of my screen from you.

Okay. So we'll see. I do the close my eyes thing now too. Again, we're producing live, so. Yeah, you shut your eyes. I'll turn around. I'll shut my eyes so I can talk to the mic. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. All right, I guess I'm just gonna have to keep on asking you to shut your eyes because you can see my whole screen, right? Okay, so I'll shut my eyes. I could also do this. Wait, keep them shut. This segment blindfolded. No, I think you need to see at least this first part.

Okay, open your eyes. Okay. So, you can see I've created a Tinder profile for you. This is good. Yeah, not my age, but this is good so far. I guess I'd, what's your birthday? January 18th. 2001?

I mean, 1991, yeah, 2004. I got the year on. 12. So you're, oh wait, you're 40. Oh yeah, you're 40. Okay, anyway, this is a, it's, it's a, it's a really long because I also asked you what your sign was. He didn't respond.

So I wrote cancer, which I'm not sure that it's true. When you asked me that earlier, I thought you meant like, are you ready? Yeah. Well, that's why I also said you're a bad texture. You like presents. I said, you have a hamster, you're sober, curious, non-smoker. You work out sometimes, you're passions, you're a 90s kid. Soundcloud, you mentioned that.

House parties. You're a 90s kid sound cloud. You mentioned that house parties sushi VR room Yeah, VR room. You're only allowed to choose fun. So here. That's your school a couple Photo at the beach of you photo with a birdie. Yeah, yeah Let me reveal in full screen. Wow That's your

at my own wedding. I took a photo of you watching Avi Tal walk down the aisle, which I thought was pretty sweet. Yeah. This I didn't last leave. That was Mexico City, maybe. Yeah. That could be. Or I also thought maybe this is from the night that you and I took our parents out to dinner together. from the night that you and I took our parents out to dinner together. Okay. So anyway, let's, so now here we are, I'll just, here's Alicia 37, I'll like that. And this is just, yeah, you, okay, Timothy's good. And it's a match. It's a match, yeah.

So it's the name of the game. I'm just creating it. You created a Tinder bio and we're just what exactly? We'll say no to this guy, no to buck. I said show me everybody. We're just swiping or everybody. So here's the this is the game now. Okay. So now I'm going to need you to shut your eyes. I still hook up with this person in the next 15 minutes. Right. Oh, you $180. Okay, you know what, actually I'll stop sharing my screen for a second. Okay. Because now you know the rule,

or now you know what the, is at stake. So I have a quiz for you. And for every right answer, I'll delete one of your pictures. And for every wrong answer, I'm gonna swipe yes indiscriminately for like 10 seconds. God and the fears that someone will recognize me tell somebody that I'm cheating on my wife Or the fears that you actually match with somebody and you do end up cheating on your wife because it's just that interesting

The pressure is there to meet meet up with a tip-offie or a max well just that interesting. The pressure is there to meet up with a Timothy or a Maxwell. Exactly. So this quiz is about taglines. Okay. Companies have famous taglines for everything. This feels like two segments all the way woven

into one epic segment. Yeah, yeah. I was like, how can I make the tinder thing interesting? Yeah. So yeah, so I got you, so I just, I was like, oh, I'll do a quiz. And then I started looking at sports trivia. But I was like, I feel like I do that for him all the time. And then I saw the billboard for fossil.

And they had a tagline. And I already forget what it was. And I was like, fossil doesn't have a tagline. But then every company have a tagline, we just don't know what they are. It appears just about all of them do. Once that can make up my computer charger. Sure. And that's important too because it's not just about recording, quizzing, tindering,

guessing, mystery or otherwise. It's also about keeping that equipment alive and well, making sure that everything is running and humming. You want to stay charged. You need to stay charged, which is the tagline slogan. Yeah, all right. So we'll start with this one should be easy. UPS. What is the UPS tag line? Uh, I don't know. UPS. Welcome home. What can brown do for you? Yeah, I knew that one.

Yeah. All right, let's swipe a little bit. Valentina, yes. Scott. We match with Scott. He's 51. It seems like I'm only matching with older dudes. Is the name.

No way you didn't match with Patrick. Oh, you got it. And you didn't match with Katie either. Sorry. Oh, Helio 33. I will stop anywhere in America. Oh, within 100 miles of New York City. Got it. Okay, so we have Nike that one, you know, that one was obvious. Just do it. Yeah. Yep. But Adidas also has one Adidas Adidas Yeah, it's a tagline Three words and the second word is is blank is blank

Sports is life Impossible is nothing. Yeah, I know. Yeah, once you get me going, I feel like I can figure it out, but I don't remember what they are. Okay. How about imagine John Ham talking about Mercedes. Yes. The new eat class, best in class, JD, power and associates.

Mercedes, impossible is nothing. It does end with nothing. So it's four words ends in nothing. You can drive nothing. The blank blank future is full nothing. The best or nothing. The best or nothing. That one doesn't even. The best or nothing. The best or nothing, that one doesn't even, the best or nothing. That doesn't sound familiar. No. Okay, let's give you a, oh wait, actually first I have to swipe helio,

we are gonna like you, William, and if I get it right, what are you doing exactly? I will delete one of the photos. Got it. Essentially, I'm just gonna, you have a Tinder profile now. Yeah. That you're running. Okay, so let's, Essentially, you have a Tinder profile now.

That you're running. Okay, so let's hit them with three cereals. How about that? Okay. You should be able to rattle these right off. Lucky charms. They're magically delicious. Correct.

And can you get corn pops? Corn pops? Gotta have my pops. That's right, apple jacks. That one's hard. Apple jacks. They're like grapes. No, that's great.

That's great, that's right. Yeah, all the adults have been. Oh, gotta have my jacks. Nope, that's gotta have have been. I've got to have my jacks. Nope, that's got to have my pops. Yeah. Kit test and mother of Jack. Mother approved, Applejack's. No, that's Kicks.

Yes, that's Kicks. Like, what's the kids' excuse to the parents who just don't understand Applejack's? We eat what we like. That's right, we eat what we like. That's right. We eat what we like. Yeah. Okay, so we all know McDonald's is, I'm loving it. That's right.

That's a pop-up on some. Subway, what about that one? Eat fresh. Indeed. And now they're gonna get a little harder. Oh. Burger King. Have it your way. Exactly.

And white castle. White castle. I don't really see white castle ads out here. I don't know if they exist. No, you would. What you crave. Uh, yeah, I don't really know that one. Is that a thing?

Alright, let me give you a, I guess not. Let me give you a slogan and you're gonna give me the thing. Okay. Alright. Yeah. We'll start with a really easy one. Yeah. If it's gotta be clean, it's gotta be tied. It's gotta be. Oh, that's tied. Obviously. It's in it. Yes. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't. sometimes you don't. Medmen, the weed clinic in Los Angeles. It's almond joys. Yeah, almond joys have nuts, mounds don't. All right, we're going to give you two more. Okay. These ones are going to be very easy.

Okay. There are three different Cheetos slogans. You can give me inside of us are three different Cheetos slogans. You give me inside of us are three different Cheetos. Dangerously cheesy. That's their most recent one. I also would have accepted. It's not easy being cheesy. Yeah, I know that one and the cheese that goes crunch. Okay. Do you know pop tarts? Yep, gotta have my pop tarts pop tarts. Kid tested, mother approved crazy. Six. Uh, that one's fake. Um, all right. Now this is the the cremdle of crem for crem rule. Oh, wow, that's a match with Sarah 35 and he's old 32, not a match, but she was pretty cute. Art 46, no match, Ken 44.

That's a match. Okay. I am Ken now. Okay. I will delete this tinder. If you can come up with any slogan from Coca-Cola, which lasted from 1886 until now. Any of the dozens of Coca-Cola slogans.

Coke and cigarettes, now that's a doctor approved breakfast. That was 1886, yes. Actually, their first one was the best one. 1886, the slogan is drink Coca-Cola. Which is fine now. Yeah. Share a Coke, pass a Coke, isn't that what we did? The Share a Coke campaign.

Ooh, that's good. It's not on their official slogans. It's a classic thing, something with classic. It can't beat the real thing or something. Ooh, let's say Coca-Cola. Taste the rain. Yeah. Nope, that's Skittles. Coca-Cola. Taste the range. Yeah.

No, that's Skittles. Can't beat the classic thing. Oh, you said can't beat the real thing, right? Yeah, can't beat the real thing. That is 1990. You can't beat the real thing. That was the last time I saw a Coke commercial, I guess, on TV. It looks like now the current slogan is real magic.

Nope, never heard that one. Speaking of real magic, we have a message from Ken. I'm gonna say something nice. Wait, she message me? Yeah, I just said, well, he sent an emoji. Yeah. It's hot. Oh, yeah, I see you're planning to meet up with Ken at the David Buster. Yeah. I can't do my other segment. We're just going to have to meet all this one here.

Let's go to a long, long break. Delete my account. Illiterary Trump style. Delete your account. Thank you to Aura for sponsoring this very special episode of our show. So special. Jake, you know that the holidays are about connecting with loved ones. Of course. And there's no better way to connect than by using what wire cutter called the best digital photo frame.

Yeah. You can connect with anyone from any distance. This is a great gift. You actually gave this gift to your mother. Did you not? Not just my mother, but Jill's parents, Angel's grandmother. So how does it work?

You give them a digital picture frame and then before long they plug it in and they're seeing photos that you took. Yeah, you have access to their picture frame. I can upload any new photo that I take of my daughter. I can just pop it on my mom and dad's frame. And then you can send videos too. That's cute.

And can you upload like a little silly cheeky message? Like, help, I'm trapped in the photo frame. I guess you could do that. That's fine. I don't think anyone would like it. Because it looks like kind of like a weird cry for help. They'd rather just see pictures of love just to send videos.

And they don't even want to see me. That's fair actually. Yeah. Okay, so if that's not personal enough, you can even upload a video message to play as soon as they plug it in. Like I'm trapped in the photos. Or whatever.

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Exactly, thank you. Thank you to Helix, sponsoring this episode of our show. I love you, Helix. You sleep on a Helix. I sure do. You took the sleep quiz. I took the sleep test, let's not call it a quiz.

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and the bundle includes two free pillows, as well as a set of sheets, and even a mattress protector. You'd have to be crazy not to take advantage of this offer. I mean, this is a great offer. Yeah, you've got a HelixLeaf.com slash segments, and even a mattress protector. You'd have to be crazy not to take advantage of this offer. I mean, this is a great offer. You've got a healuxleaf.com slash segments, and use the code Helix Partner 25.

Exactly. This is their best offer yet, and no, it will not last long. No, because they couldn't actually build a sustainable business with this offer. Not that they're giving away free pillows. Everything with that. It's a very limited time off.

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Incredible. Thank you. He looks nice All right, we're back Obviously I put my most time in effort and energy into mystery guest, which is right the new gold standard for Secments that I can come up with I come here's my second favorite one of the day Mm-hmm. I want to write a parody song segments that I can come up with. So here's my second favorite one of the day. I want to write a parody song. We didn't really do this a lot at College Eamer, but we do often sing forced puns. So I'm like, oh, maybe we can squeeze one out.

Yeah. And I have some options for songs that we can parody. It's funny. This was one of my, one of the things I considered bringing on the shortlist. Right, yeah. This was on a, on a note document that we shared. That'll do it. Okay, so my options for songs that we're going to parody right now are, hey, they're Delilah. Somebody that I used to know. Got you. Yeah. Yeah. Now and then I think of all that that we could do that song.

And you let her go. That song by pass me through. So which one calls to you as a chorus that we can change and then back into the verses from there. Then I can pull up. It's gotta be Delilah. It's gotta be Delilah. Hey there, Delilah lyrics. Yeah.

Because the chorus is just, oh, it's what you do to me. Yeah. So like, yeah, we can keep that going. Yeah. So I mean, right off the bat, it's hey there, Delilah. What's it like in New York City? I'm a thousand miles away, but girl, tonight you look so pretty. right off the bat. It's hey there Delilah. What's it like in New York City? I'm a thousand miles away But girl tonight you look so pretty

Really easy to parody, but I guess we have to think of a stick like what are we what is the stick? What's the new song? Oh, it's what you Chew to me. Yeah, what's what you glued to me? What you glued to bees and it, what you glued to me, or what you glued to bees, and it's about a guy that's sort of, honestly antagonizing a high-veress swarm of wasps, sort of trying to like, anger this, this, oh, what if it's a pirate, it's about pirate life, and it's, oh, it's what you do with sea, oh, it's what we do with C. Oh, it's what we do. It's see. Yeah, that's good. Yeah

A thousand leagues feels pretty far And I have got sales and planks and spars Okay, so this is the pirate version of Hey There Delilah. Yeah. And it starts with Hey There Delilah. What's it like in New York City? Obviously we can't do that. Yeah, so what's a pirate's name or a pirate's wife's name?

Right. Hey there, Mrs. Bluebeard. Yeah. Hey there, Mrs. Bluebeard. What's it like in where pirates from? Norway Caribbean I Those are Vikings. No, that's Vikings

Somalia That's more correct. Yeah, I was about to imagine I'm pirates of the Caribbean is kind of the vibe that I was imagining Yeah, like a Captain Jack Sparrow. S-style, yeah. It's what we do at C. So this is a vibe. Yo, it's what we do at C. Yo, it's what we do at C.

I feel like we're writing a Geico ad. Like, some things weren't meant to be made. For everything else, there's Geico. Yeah, what's in your wallet? The slogan's really do just leak out of some places and then sometimes you just have like a wrigglies. Yeah, it's a way. Plain white tees, choppy white seas. That could be the band.

That's good. Choppy white seas. That's very nice. Yeah. So what about if it's like a pirate or a Viking or a naval command and his boat is kind of sinking? Okay. That's good.

It's like choppy waters or he's resorting to doing something that he only does at sea. Oh, it's not going to do it. See. So hey there, Delilah. What's it like in New York City? That's what we have to get. We have to get that line knocked out first.

Yeah. Hey there, Mariah. That's his fucking wife. He's writing a poem, basically. He's writing a letter to his loved one and they're at sea. All right, got it. Yeah, so they're It could still be Delilah. Yes, it could be but we have to change it a little bit for the song. Hey there, Mariah. What's it like in Some other city shitty pretty middie gritty fitty hidey. What's the, what's the, what's like a pirate city? Montego Bay.

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, there's a lila. What's it like in Montego Bay? I'm, what's a unit of measurement? Is it? I'm a thousand leagues away. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm a thousand leagues away. Yeah. I'm a thousand leagues away. I'm a thousand leagues away. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a thousand. A thousand ways away. And tonight, honestly, I might be gay. Like he's starting to consider his sexuality because it's been so long away from her. Right. You see. And it's like, this is what we do at sea. It's see. Yeah. I'm a, Hey, there, Mariah. What's it like?

Montego Bay. I'm a thousand there Mariah what's like Montego Bay I'm a thousand leagues away and tonight I feel so uh good. Okay. Yeah tonight I feel this I feel like we nailed the chorus and these verses are actually very very difficult. Yeah and it's hard to do it. We're not changing it. Yeah. We're barely moving the meaning of anything. Which is replacing. We barely replaced the name. And then we went to L.O.B. instead of New York City. Yeah. I think I think it has we have to we have to start from scratch again. Okay. Oh, it's what you do to me. Should be something else. How about oh, it's what you add to cheese. So everything is food really. Okay. Oh, it's what you do to me. Should be something else. How about, oh, it's what you add to cheese. So everything is food really weird. All right. Yeah. Oh, it's what you add to put what you add to cheese. Exactly. Like, hey, they're Delilah. I'm on a farm in Vermont. I'm 60 miles away, but girl tonight I'm stopping at Walmart or something.

Yeah, what we should do is we each have us an amount of time to make To parody Delilah and then and then we sing it back to each other. I see that's not gonna happen now No, not today, but I'm yeah, but maybe in the future Punching up this segment you tell me ahead of time and we each come up with a parody song and we have this link parody on. Basically we punch up the jam. Yeah, we call it Comparity and Contrast. That's really good. Comparity. Thank you. How about it's a guy who's calling his lover at home And he's asking if he can pick anything up on the way home.

Okay, like he's coming back like let's say you're coming back from Connecticut. Right. Hey there, Delilah, how do you like some fresh baked Z? Yeah, I'm a hundred miles away, but I can keep it warm on the city just for you. I'm 100 miles away, but I can also pick up receipts. Yes, I can. I can also pick a flan if I'm your man. So you're trying to sort of briber into being a boyfriend. You're an UberEats driver who has fallen out of favor and his person has stopped or they started cooking at home. So you're like trying to entice them to start ordering more food.

And now this is an UberEats shop. Yeah. Delilah has stopped. They're delivering it out. Yeah. Delilah can today. So it's hey there, Delilah, what's it like? What's it like? How do you like some fresh baked ziti? I'm a couple miles away. And girl tonight I can get you Reese's.

Yes, I can. I can even get you a plan. I can be your man. They're Delilah. How'd you like some fresh big ZD? I'm a couple miles away and I can also get you Reese's Yes, I can I can also get a plan if I'm your man Okay if I'm your man. Okay. And then the next part is, hey, there, Delilah, don't you worry about the distance, which is honestly still usable.

Yeah. Hey, there, Delilah, don't you worry about the surge price? The distance pressure? The pressure? The heat-ness? Yeah. Don't you worry about the heat-ness?

I can put it in a box and sit on and put it right there on my seat miss. That's good. I can use a chair warmer and put it right there on the seat miss just for you. All fart in the box. Close your eyes. Listen to my voice. It's my disguise. I'm by your side. Okay, so it's

let's eat pie. Listen to your heart. I can eat guy. I'll get you sides. Matt, Matt, potato with grilled cheese, mac and cheese with your cheese. Tomatoes, cheese, and cheese. Tomatoes, cheese, and cheese. Tomatoes, cheese, and cheese. Tomatoes, cheese, and cheese. Tomatoes, cheese, and cheese. Tomatoes, cheese, and cheese. Tomatoes, cheese, and cheese. Tomatoes, cheese, and cheese. Tomatoes baked potato and grilled cheese.

Yeah. Yaked potato and sour cream. This can't be how it is. How they're either allowed to worry about the sweetness. I can place it on the chair and use the warming. Sorry, the heat-ness. I can place it on the chair. That's not using words. The heat-ness? Why would Delilah be worried about the warmth of the ZD? They're Delilah, don't worry about the warmth of the ZD. Oh, we're moving on from ZD, you can

get her anything. So, don't you worry about the calories or something? Okay, don't you worries about the carbs? Oh, yeah, don't you worry about carbs? I can Substitute Scare a kiss for Yeah, this can receive chicken parm. I'll eat it all fact on a pirate ship There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go.

There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go.

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There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go.

There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. far. So this, yeah, this is this is the segment where you make it about uber eats delivery and I make it about pirates, then we then we do it through a meal. Yeah, our two passions. All right, let's just finish this one part. Hey, they're deliolid. Don't you worry about the carbs that can substitute asparagus for this greasy chicken parm. I swear, I can or just just close your eyes

It will taste it'll taste just like apple pie Let's go get high as long as you're high So now he's sort of telling her she can order healthy and still taste like junk food. He's clearly having a stroke driving this car. All right, so this is what we have thus far and maybe at all. Hey there, Delilah. How'd you like some fresh baked ZD? I am a couple miles away and I can get you also Reese's. Yes, I can

I can also get you flan if I'm your man. That's good Hey, the Lila don't you worry about the carbs? I can substitute asparagus for this greasy chicken farm just close your eyes It'll taste like apple pies as long as you're high. Oh, potato and grilled cheese. Oh, potato is our cream. Tamar. These are awful foods. Oh, they're potatoes and grilled cheese. Oh, tomato sour cream. Just showing up at a girl's house with this a baked z plan. Plain white teas. No, this is hot white cheese. There we go. All right. I mean, this is it's a start. These take more than 15 minutes to ride. So we were under the gun. Yeah. But I mean, I think we got there. I think so too. DIMTIONS!

And we're back. I think this was a suggestion actually. Oh yeah, I see now. It's from Well Max Will on Instagram. Yes. Well Max Will suggested Tales from College Humor, which yes. I liked a lot, because I feel like as I get old and wise, I have been reflecting more on how insanely fun it was to work there. Slash how dangerous, slash kind of illegal it was sometimes to work there. Very much and we couldn't know one would ever be able to at least I don't think maybe there are companies like this, but it just feels like there's no way we would get away with any of the stuff that we were doing then now

And we probably wouldn't want to but at the same time I feel like when I was reflecting on it when I was like 29 or something. It was it was too recent I was like, yeah, whatever job they're job they're crazy when you're young. Whatever. Yeah But so I I had the story that came to my mind was when I was an intern at College Humor, Josh and Ricky are two bosses. Yep. Who at the time were just like 26? So insanely young. Which was one of the youngest employees.

You're one of the youngest employees at Headgam would be 26. I mean it's Jeff. It's Jeff, this. Yeah. Imagine Jeff, but instead of the boss, being the lowest person, he's the highest. And it's like, yeah. It is really similar because they were just as wild

and crazy and funny as Jeff is and they just had cash and success. I guess they were smarter. But anyway, they, I think it was no boo or some kind of like, it was some very fancy sushi place because Josh was like I think it was no book Josh was into food and they Offered a hundred dollar gift card to whoever could stay in the office the longest

$100 it was a hundred I think it was a hundred maybe. It was basically a free dinner, which isn't that much. But it was for whoever could stay in the office in August. This was when we were at, we were working in the Tribeca office. Me, Chris Collins, and Amanda Ferry all stayed in the office, I think for three or four days overnight ordering food, but you couldn't like leave to pick up the delivery. There was like some rule where it's like you had to like, hast the delivery guy to come in or somebody else to get you food. I think we were allowed to get in the elevator, but not allowed to leave the building. Yeah. This was, it's sort of like a Mr. Beast-esque challenge, but to their employees, which

is probably not legal. Yeah, I guess we made Jeff host a 24 hour live stream, which is similar. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. In a way. Yeah, it's actually pretty fucked up. But yeah, I just lived at the office for three whole days. I remember there was a video of Go home. Like a document or you guys were recording it.

Like, hey, it's 3 a.m. we're still at the office. We're doing our laundry here. Cause you didn't bring clothes, right? Like you couldn't prepare for it. No, yeah, they had just, they said that day that they were, you know, they were doing the contest. And it was actually perfect timing because I had just flown home

from visiting my girlfriend at the time at her college. So I actually had like a bag of toiletries and clothes in a bag. OK. So we all stayed there for three days and then we decided that we would all leave together and go out to dinner together at Nobu. A lot of times.

And we never ever did. We sort of hated each other by the end of it. So, yeah, it was never about the food. It was just the fun times of doing the commentary. It was about the commentary. Yeah, I do remember those like a video of you like talking a camera, remember? Yeah, I think there was like,

it was like everybody was laughing about how we're gonna sleep at the office and it was funny before everyone left and then they all left and it was really fun and then it was just like yeah, we were there for three days. I think that I don't know what the video was done like the next day or the same day when we like kind of announced the content. But I do, I felt like competitive. I actually wanted to give certificate to the

restaurant you've never used. Yeah. I didn't think you like sushi. Yeah. Did you even need sushi? I would like that. All right. Thinking about that office, apropos of that, I remember when we first started making original content. You remember CHTV? We would be like 10 to 15 minute long episodes that were pieced together by sketches. Right. I remember there was a conversation to be had like, these are only 15 minutes long. Should we make them longer? It's like, I don't know. It has to match TV's length, but it's going to be living online. But maybe they could be a little shorter, like 12 to 14 minutes, and we would shoot sketches and piece them together as episodes of a television show that didn't exist,

but we put them online. Right. And we wanted them to go viral, and they're like, the thinking was the longer they were, the more likely they were to go viral, which is the exact opposite of everything you've learned. That's interesting. This is also pre-youtube. So we would make these 15 minute web shorts

by piecing together other sketches and some of the sketches was just, straight out of grab a microphone and go talk to drunk people on the street. Like that was one of them. Or like Jeff showing viral videos in a closet on his laptop. And it's like today's viral videos of the week. And it's like he had to just record it in his closet because we didn't have a place for it. Do you remember the stuff? Yeah. I wasn't there. I remember

watching that before my job, like before I started interning a college, I think it was just before my time. Those were those, were those shop by John and John Carlo. Wasn't like the first few shop at them. Yeah, maybe because I did shoot their web their internet video around that time, the ping pong one. Like, oh, these guys know how to shoot and edit. Wow. But before that, like the video, only videos on college, we were like seven seconds, like guy getting hit in the head with a shovel. I, I remember that one. Yeah. That's the only video we have. So like to go from that to a 15 minute like sketch

comedy show on called CHGB, I think we made like three episodes in the cost like $80,000. Like this is insanely stupid and inefficient. We can't keep doing it. No, we stopped right away. Wow. Yeah, I do because I remember them not being around when I started. So, and it was called CHTV, but it was an on television at all. And I think I want you to

give away, like the CHTV is like, hey, thank you for watching. At the end of this episode, we're going to give away this maybe arcade machine or ping-pong machine that was in the office, something like that. We did, again, like Mr. Beast did like random giveaways and stuff. But this was before YouTube, so I don't know what we were expecting from something going viral. Nobody could really share or watch or discover this stuff unless they were on a whole piece. Yeah, it was more people hearing about college humor's website, going to the website, and then us selling ads around that.

Yeah, I guess we were like sell like premium content, but the content was like funny facts of the day by a mere and I would be like playing ping pong by myself and saying a funny fake fact or something like that. Yeah, I also think this was before Twitter, so we couldn't really tweet that stuff either. So there was really very limited. You just had to make it and hope that people got there somehow. Yeah, I hope you go to CollegeRumor.com and share the URL to this one video. Right. There were like funny website aggregators, right?

It's like these are the all of the funny websites. You can go to FARC. You can go to Kibam's world Yeah, and they were just linking to different videos or to each other Websites that link the link so I have a link the hot links streeters to be in charge of, the links are there. The hot links. Streeters to be in charge of the hot links, I remember that. Yeah, they would go from really long to really short at the bottom. But like each one would get clicked on 80,000 times. That does not exist anymore. Yeah.

Imagine the power we had. Not me personally, but call it Schumer. Imagine the power my boss has had. Oh, you finally bought your domain name back. me personally, but call it, Jim right? Right. Imagine that that would get my bosses hat. Yeah. Oh, you finally bought your domain name back. Maybe you can start it, build a website like that. That's right. That's right, everybody. jkourwitz.com now belongs to me.

Holy shit. It's a very janky square space at the moment. Let me see what it looks like when I go to it. No good. No good. This is terrible. I should change it when I go to it. No good. No good. This is terrible. I should change it before anyone goes to it. At least, yeah, to both of these links go to me. All right, that's good. Yeah. All the sequences on here. Yeah. That's nice. Uh-huh. That's right.

That's right. It looks terrible. It looks really bad. This is just horrible looking website. Just in time for websites not to exist, you got jkherwoods.com. It was at an all time low. They were giving it away. Practically. I wonder if the guy knew that he, like has, has he been squatting on this

because he knows he or he like buys all these famous names and he's like, somebody will come running. Yeah, he must just buy, well, I wonder if it's even that because I also like had it and he must just feel like on some kind of alert for like expiring domain names and just slatching them up right away.

Yeah, that's what I would think. All right, that's it, four segments, but the surprise factor was pretty fun. Yeah, I liked that a lot. So maybe we'll just keep that up. Yeah. And again, if you have your own second ideas, let us know of course in the comments

to this YouTube video. That's right. And thanks to you guys for watching and we are also making a bonus content on our Patreon.com slash J-A. J-A! We're watching college humor videos. J-A-K-M videos.

Maybe we can dig up some old CH-TV clips. That's what we should do. Ah, we're watching college humor videos. Jake and my videos. Maybe we can dig up some old CHTV clips. That's what we should do. I wonder if those are online anywhere anymore. I'll Google CHTV and hope to got the A1 exist. The television station of Carmel High School. They have the right. They have the right.

I don't think that's you. We'll do some digging on the internet archive.org. Yeah, not even. No chance. This is not happening. But we'll try. Okay, and we'll be back of course next week. Ciao for now, everybody.

That was a hit, Dumb of Original. Hey there, everyone. I'm Adam Kahn over, and you might know me from my show's Adam Ruins Everything and the G-Word. I am so happy to say that my podcast, Factually with Adam Kahn over, is now on the Headgun Podcast Network. Factually is a podcast where I interview some of the most fascinating experts on the planet to reveal shocking truths and thought-provoking new perspectives from around the world of human knowledge. I've interviewed everyone from professors to Pulitzer Prize winners about topics like

the True Dangers of AI, whether generations actually exist, and what laughter is. And if I'm doing my job right, you'll be laughing along all the way because I keep the conversations funny and informative. My previous guests include Trailblazing Disability Rights Activists and Hero Judith Human, keep the conversations funny and informative. with Adam Conover on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. And be on the lookout for new episodes every single Wednesday.