If I Were You - 08: Fifty Like Xeet

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

In this episode we stroll down memory lane, play a game, and revisit our old Jake and Amir idea list.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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to reject it movie scripts. Won't last it's ever tried to stop the career It's the Swiss Army Nightbook show. I need to put that echo So good Just kidding, that was a little... For those of you watching, I tried to pretend that I was drinking poison Sort of as like a secondary goof to the theme song Right, a joke on a joke A joke in a joke

It's just my coconut water Actually, let's start with unsolicited advice Harmless harvest, my favorite coconut water. And I've tried a lot of them. Cool. It's expensive to be sure, but I want a week once that you back that much. For me, I think coconut water tastes like ass.

I think it tastes like water that somebody just did. I think taste is bad. It's only enjoyable when it's absolutely freezing, which basically means it's only enjoyable when you can't taste it. It's essentially the same as vodka. I think coconut water is the most. I don't know what it is for losers.

And I think anybody who says they like it is lying because it's actually Unlikable now. Let's get started. Welcome to Wow, do you like coconut flavor anything? You just don't like coconut. I love coconut. I love I will put a straw in a fucking nut right now. By the way, that's probably the gizz water your your tasting You haven't had coconut water yet. Right, right. Yeah, I just, I, I coming glasses instead of socks. Ha, ha, ha.

Uh, yes, this is Sigmania, aka Sigments, aka segmentation. Mm-hmm. The only segmented podcast on the web hosted by us, I'm a mere. I'm Jake. Okay, what do we got today? We've got plenty of segments to get to. I believe the first thing we're doing is,

is a 50 like tweet for a thousand dollars. Yeah, we did that, well not for a thousand, but we did it really early on the 50 like tweet. And ever since then whenever I tweet something weird, somebody's like, yep, they're doing another weird 50 like tweet game. I'm like, nah, that's just me saying a weird thing. It's not all a 50 like tweet game. That being said, this one will be another 50 like tweet game. Yep. Okay. So let's think about what the tweet would be. I'll tell you one that I tweeted recently that got over 100 just to put you in the mode

of what does well on my account. Because again, we don't use your account, we use mine. Unless you want to use yours, but here we are. Yeah. My last 100 like tweets said, yeah, I use social media less like every single second, basically less is an acronym for that. Right, I see.

I saw that one actually. So yeah, that's kind of like, that's the wheelhouse. It's, yeah, okay. It's interesting. It's commenting on our society. Correct. Okay, which makes me, I think the leaping off point that I want to use is only a millennial like me

can actually kill a cactus. And then that was, you had that ready to go. No, I just looked at a cactus in my office. Got it. We'll talk about your first draft. Right, so that's like the vibe. It's like, a millennial says, only I could kill a cactus, right? That's the leaping, right. So that's like the vibe. It's like, you know, a millennial says, like, only I could kill a cactus, right?

That's right. So what's the joke from that? Only a millennial like me could kill a cactus. I mean, all I did was put my spoon. Yeah. I think you're just in like a very, a bit of blue mood. Yeah, I've talked about cum a lot.

Yes, a lot. How about this? When you're in the desert, are you seeing my screen right now? Yeah, I can see this now. Yeah. All right. Remember, like PSA, when you're lost in the

desert, you can break apart a cactus for sustenance. That's a nothing burger, of course. Yeah. Then you write, um, yeah, or you can call an Uber. You have fun at Coachella kids. Okay, posted. So let's see how this runs us. Nothing yet. It's still early. Still very early. This game is basically like,

it's some money to me, but really it's more embarrassing to you, right? Like you have to have $50 to shame me. Right. Okay, how about the, how about the, married my best friend this weekend, and then it's a photo of you and Luke, and then brought these,

Avi Tal and I were divorced in November. I don't think I want to do that. I don't think I want to do that. I don't think I want to say that. You don't want to do that because a little bit of thousand, yeah. A little bit of thousand likes, that's right. You're trying to back your way into a cute dog photo and then say that was the tweet.

No, I'm gonna put a weird stipulation and say text only tweet. Text only? Oh, fuck me. I was really, really, really gonna try to get dog the dog photo would would really help me a lot of course Okay What about another acronym? How insane is it that two of my uncles were in the lemon party photo? That's it. That's the tweet. It's pretty good. And then should I write that's it? That's the tweet. Sure.

My uncles were in the lemon party, party photo. That's it, that's the tweet or not. That's it, that's the tweet. Okay. I think that's one of his legs for sure. This one, yeah, you think so? Yeah, this is gonna be a 50 like you. Well, if it gets to 25 before our last segment,

will you let me do an ad tweet and say, the other guy is my aunt. My other car is my aunt. Okay, yeah, let's go for it. Let's see, we're doing three lines. How insane is it that two of my uncles were in the lemon party photo? Question mark period?

No, I like the period. That's it. That's the period. That's another line, question mark. That's the question mark. That's the question mark. That's it. That's the tweet. This might be a joke on a joke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it was a additive or not. Yeah, I think that's it period. That's the tweet period better than that're right. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is.

I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is.

I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. I think it is called ZEATS. I don't really know how that started, but yeah.

That's it. That's the ZEATS. I'm worried that you making that ad makes them little too inside baseball, but at the same time, this is for people who are inside baseball who like that social media less thing. Yes, exactly. But it is, I think that's it, that's the tweet. I think I have to win or lose this on my own. Okay. Not the Z, you change that.

So, am I changing Z to tweet? Yeah, that's it, that's the tweet. Because they didn't change it, right? Yeah. Is tweet capital like that? I think so, yeah, because it's a proper noun. I mean, lemon party's an old reference, but I would have to assume people get it. I think so.

I hope so. And I mean, for that reason alone, it's like the lemon party and the z. And for those of you who don't know, the lemon party photo is three old, is it eight real men blowing each other in a triangle? I don't know if they're Asian. I just remember it's three old men blowing each other in a circle. It's kind of like a 69 with a third guy.

Yeah. It looks amazing. That's actually pretty hot. All things considered. My aunt was tub girl. My cousin did the goatee. And goatee was goatee. You know something I really don't enjoy is that every single publication still says Twitter or X

formerly Twitter Twitter. Yeah, we're still in that gray area. Yeah, I'm just so it's it's so annoying. I guess I probably would not know what they were talking about if they didn't say formerly Twitter. I think the better thing to do would just be to not call it X. Yeah, just say Twitter still. Just keep on saying Twitter.

Yeah, it seems like just their logo changed really. Yeah Everything else is exactly the same. Okay. Am I posting this? Oh, yeah, yeah post. Okay posting You can see so far I Just posted it so it doesn't have any engagements or likes. Okay. I think we'll know in a few seconds or a minute how it's doing. Yeah, or if we're getting shadow band. Yeah, they could see the lemon party and show, oh, we got to like, we absolutely got one. Yeah, that was fast. That's that's that's good pace. Oh shit, we didn't put any cash on it. Well, let's just run it back the same amount as last time. What was it last time? I think it was 80?

No, 50? I don't know. All right, well, I think it was like 40 and then you did a double or nothing or something. Let's say 50 bucks. That's awesome. $1 per like. Oh, that's interesting.

$1 per like in a 24 hour window. Yeah. I will say we're still stuck at one. Yeah, that's what. $1 per like in a 24 hour window. Yeah. I will say we're still stuck at one. Yeah, that's obviously like two, three, five or something like that. Yeah, but I'm still riding the boat. Wow, look at that. That's what, that's exactly what I was about to say.

Yeah. Like next time it goes up, it's not gonna be like two. Yeah, I was gonna say five. I would've liked five, but that's, that's actually really like to two. Yeah, I was gonna say five, I would've liked five, but that's actually really encouraging to see. That's actually really, really. Early numbers, remember? Yes, just please, if projections, you'd vote. And this is a worldwide.

The polling place is still open. And it is 12, 19 PM Pacific. So we are getting that UK, oh, we're up to six. There's six. That's up by two. Trending. It's trending well. But not trending.

I mean, Twitter. Would you think all of the guys in the lemon party photo are now dead? They have purely from old age. They were. Yeah, that was a 20 year old photo. They all look like they were in their 90s. Mm-hmm.

Not 90s. 80s at least. Oh, we got a reply from my friend, David Presbyn, oh, that's sweet, they're having fun. That's good. What if he gets 50? So he knew it was us. Yeah, well, he didn't know it was us,

but I think he thought I was joking. Oh, that's sweet. I'm literally not the uncle's having fun. I thought he was saying me and you were having fun calling us out for playing this game. Yeah, that'd be really good though. Okay, let's take a pause and see how it's doing by the beginning slash end of the next few segments. Yeah.

All right, we're back. We're at 10 likes. I don't know what else to say. It's doing well. That's a blazing hot start. That is much better than your last. Do you remember what the last one was? It was like, I'm so Jewish even my Yamaha circumcise. Yeah, that one was a stretch, but I don't think we got to 10 this quickly.

Yeah. I still think, you know, that one has actually aged really well. Yeah, and now that people are still talking about it. I left it up and a lot of people are retroactively liking it. No, that'll do it. Yeah. Ooh, we're getting three replies to.

Great tweet. Keep up the good work, proud of you. Wow, people are really liking it. They like it. That's three, that's three quote tweets. Or no, that's just replies. Three replies, yeah. Yeah.

I wanna see that retweet. I really need that RX. Yeah, signal boost. Can you imagine getting a re-zit this early? Do you think, am I allowed to retweet it? Did we say this last time? I was not allowed to, right? When it was doing really poorly, I let you re-zete just for an extra boost at the end,

but this one might not need it. Okay, 13. Wow. I might re-zete. Yeah. Okay, so the next segment is something we're taking from a TikTok account that I've found. Let's not give them credit, but basically it's called the guessing scale game. No, we'll give them credit, but basically it's called the guessing scale game.

No, we'll give them credit, fine. Right. Two funny dudes, the FRDI show or the, just FRDI, yes, the FRDI show. Okay, great. Two funny dudes on TikTok, they play this game called the guessing scale. I'm like, oh, this will be perfect for us to take and use for a segment. They basically, it's like a hot and cold style game, but the hottest is 100 out of 100.

The coldest is zero out of 100. One person thinks of an object and the other one just guesses what it is and then you rank how close I am on my guesses. Okay. So for example, I'll think of an object right now. And then you try to guess what it is and I tell you how close you are on a scale of zero through 100. It was kind of like that semantol game,

if you remember playing that. It sounds familiar. It was like semantic wordle. It was basically trying to throw that into the guess the right thing. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you're thinking of something? I am thinking of something, yes. Sealing fan.

So I would say that's three out of a hundred in closeness. Okay. Three. A cucumber. Five out of a hundred. Okay. Basketball. 80 out of a hundred. Okay, basketball. 80 out of a hundred. Okay, football. 80 out of a hundred. Baseball. 90 out of a hundred. Okay, and what did I just say? I said baseball. Yeah. Colleets, 90.

Baseball bat. Ooh, 95 out of 100. Baseball mitt, 92 out of 100. What was 95, the bat? Yeah. Baseball hat, 92. Baseball gloves, 92. Yeah, you're close, but bad is closer

bat okay, so cricket bat a tennis racket 70 All right, so it's got to be baseball is it baseball well the bat is the closest right? Okay, so it's golf club 70 out of 100 bat being the closest. It's a club. It's a it's baseball bat related. It's based. Oh, baseball bat tape tar 94 93. 20 out of 100. Baseball bat related. That's not a baseball bat. What?

What? Think of something you can't hold. Something you can't hold. Something that just is. Yeah. Something you can see, but can't hold. That's related to a baseball bat. That's right.

Something a baseball stadium. 95, yeah, close. It involves those two things. Home run. Yes, 100, all right. D-D-D-D-D. Good job. I thought it had to be an object or a noun.

It's a thing, yeah. A home run is a thing. Home run is a thing. Not necessarily, yeah. I thought it had to be an object or a noun. It's a thing, yeah. A home run isn't a thing. Home run isn't a thing. Not necessarily, yeah. I think you had to hold the object. Okay, got it. By the way, you're at 23 likes right now. So you are just rounding second base

to continue the metaphor. That's amazing, amazing. Thank you everybody. I just want to say thank you, Oscar, to the lovers and the haters who made this Tweeco viral. Because it only goes viral when it's controversial when it's people talking about it. So if you love to do it, I want to say thank you very much.

Okay, you think of a noun. I'll try to guess it. Okay, let me try to think of something that's unrelated to baseball or come, which is the other thing that's been on my mind a lot lately. Of late. Okay, okay, okay. No, hold on, hold on. I've got it.

Larry Bird. Two. A cucumber. Thirty. two, a cucumber, 30, pizza sauce, 35. Holy shit, I think I know it. Water. Back to 30, I think. I see, okay. An assiable.

45. Oh, closer. Apomic granite. 35. Peanut butter. 45. Still not over 50. It might not even be a food. A blender.

Two. Hummus. 30. Jesus. I'm starting to think it's not pure food at all. A jar. Two. Wow. It's not even a jar. How could it not be a jar? I was looking at your eyes and I saw a jar. A watermelon seed.

Five. I don't know. Interesting. So the closest thing so far has been an assiable, right? That's right. Grenola? 46. Little closer.

A bagel. Oh, now we're talking. I think 80. Oh, holy smokes. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 75. Hmm. A slice of pizza. Holy smokes, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 75.

A slice of pizza. 78. A slice of bread. 90. Wow. A slice of toast. 90. Okay, okay, grilled cheese sandwich. 89. A little further. Wow, a slice, a cracker, a wheat

thin cracker. Who says toe to that? I think 80. What? Go in the wrong direction. For sure. A toast is the closest at 90. A toast is close. A toast is close. A toast to the host with the closed. Me. Burnt bread. Mata. 75, 80. Not that close.

Tortilla. Don't think about the toasting of it, because you were as close when you had a slice of bread. Think about the bread of it all. Okay. Partying. That's the 75. Interesting.

Do. 70. Flower? 50. Butter. No. Oh, that's, I think that's 85. Okay, so bread is still the closest butters the second.

Bread and toast and butter a little further behind. A slice of gum? Not it. Wow. So slice is not part of the whole joy. It's really about the bread of it all. It's all about the bread. What about an English muffin? 91.

A little closer. Actually, I'll say 95. I'll say 95. A biscuit. 95. 96. What if a biscuit was two? Okay, I'm getting close with a circular slice of bread. 95, 96. What if a biscuit was two?

Okay, I'm getting close with a circular slice of bread. Not a biscuit, not a muffin. What about just a muffin? 90, interesting. It's definitely carb-y. It's definitely carb-y. And I wanna say it's a bread carb of sorts rice 70 further away for sure further away

You got rice of you've got that's not bread muffin or toast or a biscuit um Uh God Do I have Oh, God. Do you wanna get it? Sure. No, I'll give it away. Okay. A Graham Cracker.

70. Interesting. English muffin. Biscuit. Yeah. Toast. Yes. Think about a continental breakfast.

Yeah, cereal, a bowl of cereal? 69. Yes. And I would like to 69 a bowl. Lemon party style. Me, Captain Crunch, and Sonny. I'm a bowl of oatmeal. 70.

A continental breakfast bread. Oh, a waffle. 88. Pancake? 86. Go fuck yourself then. Actually, go fuck yourself. Because you told me to think of something and then I did and then you,

you just did it to embarrass me. That's right. I haven't been thinking of anything. It's not been thinking about it. It was nothing. The answer was nothing. That's why I was basically thinking of a bagel. Oh, run. I eat one essentially every day. A banana? 60. You know this about me. I'm floored. You eat this bread a power bar?

75. You eat this everyday for breakfast? I used to for sure, for several years, for many years. Oh, I see, a croissant. A croissant. Yeah. That's right. That's right. Yeah, yeah.

I should have thought of that when biscuit was English. You don't feel, right. You don't feel duped by that. I feel like I did the correct number assigning, right? Yeah, I was just blank. I reached an impasse and I couldn't figure it out. We're at 30 likes for the tweet. Wow, 30, that's really nice.

It's good, but it's still 20 away. That's true, but I feel like it's, it's reached a tipping point. And I think that's our time. We're doing a pretty short episode today. Two segmentos. That won me 50 bucks then. And I did get croissant. I actually did get croissant.

I actually think guethal. Really early on. I used to play a game that was just called, it was, I guess it's like similar to 20 questions, but we used to play a game just was just called, I guess it's like similar to 20 questions, but we used to play a game just called I'm thinking of something, and you could just think of anything in the world and everybody had to ask you questions

till you could get it. And it wasn't only yesterday. It wasn't only yesterday. It was only yesterday. No questions. It was insanely infuriating. We used to play it on like really long car rides. Yeah, just think of like the most absolutely obscure thing.

You just keep on asking questions. I wonder if games like that are going away because of cell phones like I or are we just old now, but like our six-year-olds just like, all right, we have to come up with a game to pass the time. No way. Yeah, I would imagine that the car rides now are like, kid has the iPad, mom and dad are listening to a podcast at the front. You can go on a six hour car ride and not say a word to each other. God, how awesome is that?

I used to fucking like ghost. Yeah, I remember the game ghost. I'm definitely romanticizing like the long car rides and playing those games with my siblings. But also, you know, you had to come up with those games out of sheer boredom because the car rides were agony. So now that they're not agony, that seems like an improvement.

Do you ever have a rich friend that had the van with TVs in it? And everyone's like, holy shit, there's a fucking TV in this car. Yeah, I think I didn't have a friend that had a TV in their car, but I did have a friend that had a portable DVD player. And that was like, just as good,

because actually you could watch the DVDs in your room as well. Oh my God. Could you am absolutely unread. Yeah, I remember getting a laptop and be like, holy shit, it plays DVDs. I can just slide the DVD in. Yeah, I remember getting a laptop and be like, holy shit, it plays DVDs. I can just slide the DVD in. Yeah, that's what region. I don't know. I've never been asked that before. I didn't know what region this DVD is for. I can only change the region three times before the DVD player's self-combusts. Yeah, that's the risk.

How's my tweet doing? 32, let's take a break. Thank you to ORA for sponsoring this very special episode of our show. So special. Jake, you know that the holidays are about connecting with loved ones. Of course.

And there's no better way to connect than by using what Wire Cutter called the best digital photo frame. Yeah, you can connect with anyone from any distance. This is a great gift. You actually gave this gift to your mother, did you not? Not just my mother, but Jill's parents, and Jill's grandmother. So how does it work?

You give them a digital picture frame and then before long they plug it in and they're seeing photos that you took. Yeah, you can have access to their picture frame. I can upload any new photo that I take of my daughter. I can just pop it on my mom and dad's frame. And then you can send videos too. That's cute.

And can you upload a little silly cheeky message? Like, help, I'm trapped in the photo frame. I guess you could do that. That's fine. I don't think anyone would like it. Because it looks like a weird cry for help. They'd rather just see pictures of love. Yeah, of baby.

They don't want to see me. That's fair actually. Yeah. Okay, so if that's not personal enough, you can even upload a video message to play as soon as they plug it in. Like I'm trapped in the photos. Or whatever.

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Mm-hmm. I mean, you know how to find this podcast. So I assume you know how to find that one. Yes, you're talking about the thing is. Mm-hmm. I mean, you know how to find this podcast, so I assume you know how to find that one. It's just certain. You're texting the thing is exactly where you're at. Wherever you get your podcast. Right. Thank you to Factor for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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I mean, it just does an instant audit. And it's like, by the way, you don't use this, this, this, and you're saving like, you know, hundreds of dollars potentially a year. Yeah. I used to myself. It reminded me of several things that I'm paying monthly fees for that I don't use. Yeah. I assume it's little x-rated things here.

This, that, and the other. Very nice. I was spending $98,000 a month on smut. Thankfully, I was reminded. And then I was able to cut Hulu for $7.99. Yeah. Then I could put that into the porn that I was downloading. I added it to Holo, which is a different one. Thank you. That's rocket money.com slash segments.

Rocket money coming up. Rocket money.com. Yeah, rocket money.com slash segments. Yeah. Thank you, rocket money. All right, what do we got for the next seg? Okay, so I've enjoyed going back and checking out old Jake and Amir's on the new show.

And I had the idea, well actually I guess I had the memory that a long time ago you and I had like a list, I think it was like a hundred emails long of a Jacob and a mere ideas. That was how we would kind of like consolidate all of our thoughts for episodes. We basically, we would. Gmail each other back and forth. Right, and for a long time, we'd Gmail each other

on this thread. So it looks like the first email came from me, April 16th, 2011. So that's what, 13 years ago? Yeah. This idea thread had a bar mitzvah the other day. Incredible. Mazel.

I said maybe. Mazel, Mazel, Mazel, Mazel, Mazel. So yeah, I say maybe we can use this for ideas while I'm in LA. So I think I was moving to LA. The three ideas I sent are breaking your collarbone, devastated about the hoopestank tour, marking Karen. And then I say, I feel like there's more that I'm forgetting. You respond saying practical Jake to other people in the office. I guess that's instead of practical joke. Like, I don't know. You were the victim of a practical Jake.

Yeah, I don't know if we ever use that. I don't know if we ever use breaking your collarbone or the hoopest tank. Mark and Karen, we did, unless this idea thread is like us doing a sequel, which actually I think we might have also done. A sequel. We did, unless this idea thread is like us doing a sequel, which actually we might have also done. I see a cool, yep.

Mark and Karen is the one who's like, I have three tons of wet elephant meat. And we didn't know what to call those characters. All we had was the character names, but we don't know, was this idea predates that video? Right, exactly. I would say most of these didn't get made. Would you? Yeah, I mean, you just rattled off four and we only used maybe one of them.

Okay. Yep, you say April 25th, we should go paintballing in an app. It writes itself. That's that would be a good episode, but we didn't have money or effort to do it. Okay, here's one that we did use. April 28th, I email you prom. Nailed it. Yeah, I mean, that's all we needed to hear. Me and a tux. Five minutes later, the episode had been written. Yeah. Um, okay, I'm trying to, I want to see if we, if I can find one that has like a little more back and forth. Oh, I'm gonna try to, I wanna see if we, if I can find one that has like, a little more back and forth. Oh, here we go.

A fleshing out of an idea that we did. UTP someone's desk with used toilet paper. Oh wow. I sent that to you and we did, we did do that one. It's putting in shit. Okay, here we go. This is, here's, I guess this is an idea. Oh, you know what I think you did here?

I think you copy and pasted a G-Chat to me. Okay. All right, so find headbutt, the headbutt idea where you feel shame, it's your first email right below. Okay. Okay, so here's my part. This is my part. This is my part.

Doing a G-Chat of the video. Yeah, I think this is us just like coming up with a random idea and then you emailed the transcript of that chat to the thread to get us started on the dialogue. And we did not shoot this. I think we did. Oh, okay, let's see.

So, all right, I say, hey dude, my dad has pissed at us. I didn't do anything, like it or not, you're involved. I needed two names on the paper to start my tobacco business and I don't have a real address so we use yours. Stop saying we, we're in trouble. Okay, so I'm writing all of those lines to you. That's me and you saying it.

And I say that's funny, and I go back into character. So why is your dad pissed? Mostly about giraffe rentals you made, the story gets longer and you get more and more implicated. Ha ha ha ha I say. He's pissed and then you're I'm just giving your line. He's pissed at you right now, but he's pissed at me for standing up for you. Actually, I haven't, oh no that's amazing. Actually, I haven't done it yet because he gets furious and I don't want that wrath. Right, so he's pissed at me. I'll talk to him.

And then you would say, but I mean, he does have a point. And then I yell, I don't even know what's going on. We shot this? Yeah, this is an episode where I'm like, I think you say your dad has pissed at us for the draft thing. This is the one that ends with a delivery man yelling at us in Mandarin holding up a duck.

Yeah. He's mad at you for the duck thing. Yes, exactly. And then a month later, you just replied, say you show up to work in a hospital gown. You walked out during a surgery. Solid. I feel like we used that at some point. I don't think so.

Yeah. I guess we not not during a certain. We had you walk, we had you come in with like botched nose surgery, I think. Walking in the hospital gown would actually be pretty good. There's, there's an idea here where you say, I get jury duty and you're the one on trial. That would have been, that also had been very funny. Does anyone know this man? Here's one, I'm planking somewhere dangerous and get hurt.

I feel like we might have added that to like a long story one. You tried to play it on the subway. Well, you did say that. You said you plank and get trampled by people on a crosswalk. And then you said also golfing and you keep farting. That was your bright idea. So what if we go all these good work? And you keep farting. I feel like we've been doing on our Patreon writing episodes. We wrote a Thanksgiving scroll. We wrote Jake and me, or Christmas party, new episodes. We should do this as a segment. It's like choosing one of these, choosing one of these ideas and then trying to write it, make an episode out of it. Yeah, IRL.

Okay, all right, let's try to find one we didn't write. I think here's one where you find out tipping isn't mandatory. We did write that one. Yeah. I start a food blog in the recipes, give everybody food poisoning. That's pretty perfect. I like, I come into work and nobody's there. Wow, quite today. Yeah, I wonder why. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I got Jardia last week. Yeah, no, I'm not surprised. Everybody that tried your new recipe has Jardia. That's so, which one, the one for waffles are the chicken blood tahini. It probably wouldn't matter

because the one for waffles actually has chicken guts uncooked in it as well. Yeah, chicken cusslet. Yeah, medium rare butter biscuits, a pinch of salt, a pinch of boony. Boony. You take a shit and don't wash your hands. Oh, and guys, I was, that's not pink. I, that's all Jew.

I guess the real question is how you convinced everybody to do Oh, pink eyes all day. That's not pink eye, that's all Jew. I guess the real question is how you convinced everybody to do this recipe? Well, the pictures looked really good actually. Yeah, you would have had to have like a pseudonym, you had a pen name, Yeah, or I invited everybody over for a dinner party. For a cooking class.

Yeah. Oh, that's good. You guys, but yeah. I had a cooking class yesterday and now everyone is not at work today. I guess everybody decided to be an amateur chef. Fuck. I know a lot of people are in the hospital

and the ones that are not are fucking hunched over a toilet right now. Yeah, really? Let me, I guess I should, I guess I shouldn't wear this anymore. You open your jackets or some shit stained apron? Is that what you're saying? The next idea in here kind of works for this is,

I say, Jake has the stomach flu and I come over to your house and pretend like you're just depressed. All right, get up, get up. I lift you out of bed and you puke down my back. Whoa, you got a bond dude. Let's see us today by the horns opening up the window. I have a splitting migrate. Ah! I'm not letting you mope anymore. I gotta get you out of this fom chill to the bone. You're shaking to having side here something. I think I'm dead, man. I think you.

I mean, this is just a treasure trove of ideas that we may or may not have ever used. Yeah. I mean, there's, there's, this is just a treasure trove of ideas that we may or may not have ever used. Yeah. You come to work excited, you say, and you told me John Stewart was on the subway. And as we're talking, there's a new story on the radio that John Stewart was attacked on the subway. Okay, here's one, you, G-Chat it to me. I just started laughing at myself in the elevator thinking of this Jake and Amir.

We're at a Starbucks and I'm trying to order a Jack and Diet. We did shit. This one too. Yeah. That's the one where I'm hitting on the lady and then I get down and pick Dancin' hit my head. You say two Jack and diets and what do you want? Fadka Kran. I say it's 9 diets. And what do you want? vodka crann?

I say it's 9 a.m. Come on man, you asked me to meet you here for a breakfast meeting. Then you say two jack and diets and a 9 a.m. Because I say it's 9 a.m. Do we use that joke in the video? Probably. That's really funny.

What do you want? vodka crann? It's 9 a.m. All right, two jack and diets and a 9 a.m. Like you think it's a cocktail. Which is gray goose and espresso. Then you order, can I get an oatmeal then for this princess, two jack and diets and a red eye.

You and this is another picture you have. You and somebody having a really serious conversation. I walk into the room and you guys stop talking. I'm holding a two liter bottle of soda and I start opening it a little and you hear the noise leak. For 30 seconds. We never shot this.

I loved this idea. Oh, I think that's like the moment of silence, the same idea of like me eating chips and everyone is completely quiet. I open the bottle and just sprays everywhere for a minute. Wow, here's a, here's a snapshot in time. You send me an idea for economic crisis part two in 2011. And I say great call. It turns out in the end I understand it less than you do. What was that crisis already forget?

I had so do I. And then I say, then there's a joke about you being a member of the Tea Party, which is another step shot. And it does make sense because eventually you come out for Trump. At one point you say you should come in having been at Occupy Wall Street and I think you're protesting with them, but it turns out you were pepper spraying protesters and telling them to get a job so I

I kind of have always had conservative leanings on the show Occupy Wall Street There's still there. Yeah All right, I mean this is a treasure trail we. We can come back to it and keep writing. But we did write a few new episodes on our Patreon. So if you want to listen slash, watch us come up with episodes on the fly. That's true, patreon.com slash J-A.

J-A. Oh, here's the one that we did use. I love, you say I love how sad it is to eat at TGI Fridays alone and try to request a birthday clap. That can be our location. They start clapping and you get excited but it's for someone else. Wow, that's really good. I know we use the birthday clap. Oh, and it was for someone else, right? You watch them and say it's also my birthday. And they like, she says happy birthday, like, well, you say, you have a table, right? Yeah, he's four. And Dan,

my name, what is it? My name is Darryl. And I'm adopted. I'm adopted. Yeah, that's like, it's such a long, they do a whole song. And they're like roll, they sing your whole birthday song. And then they say roll call and all of the The weight staff introduced themselves One by one real quick. Let's watch it real quick. We already watched on patreon. I have to see it

I think it's called Jake and Amir waitress All right pulling it up you want to watch the whole episode um fuck it. Why not how was my tweet doing? um Kind of stalled out at 36. 36, all right, yeah, well, definitely watch the whole entire episode. Maybe you can retweet while we watch. See if you get it over the finish line. Okay, that's a good idea.

But we're login' to X, form a newsletter. You need 14 more likes in the next, I don't know, five minutes? Yeah. Well, I liked't know, five minutes. Yeah. Well, I liked it, so there's 37. Okay. What do you think about that? Oh, you just unliked it.

It's down to 32. No, I didn't. No way. No. They knew that I was gaming the system, so it's suppressing it. Oh wow, somebody said great tweet. Hello segments. So they snipped it out. And they still liked it. Oh wow, somebody said great tweet. Hello segments. So they

snipped it out. And they still liked it. Did you read tweet? Oh, we got one retweet. It's you. Okay. Yeah. All right, ready? Yeah. Here's Jake and Amy or Waitress. Oh, you said my name wrong. So your mom doesn't know about us. What? Great start. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, making a weird face. I wanted to check in on the status of my meal. I ordered it and now I'm feeling lonely and horny without it. Yep. Chicken fried noodles.

Wow. Medium rare. And a martini. I just took your order less than 30 seconds ago, so it's going to be about 15 minutes. Cool, and if you care to join me, you can't. Oh, actually I can, I'm not allowed to. But you want to? I'm not allowed to, nor what I want to.

Right on, fair enough. Excuse me. Why did you fart? Oh, okay. I'm harassing this woman. Of course. To tweet or not to tweet. Oh, that is the question.

Hey, Jake, it's me. What if you tweeted the tweet? Fuglies. Come on by. Later. Hey, Micah, it's Amir. Your brother did not pick up the phone. I assume he's dead.

I'm sorry to have to tell you that, but he's probably long gone. If you hear from him, have him call me. Okay, I'm at PGI Fuglies. Bye. Mrs. Herowitz, Amir. Freaking. No, speaking. both your sons are being coward factories Haven't call me back immediately surely hi Amir from Connecticut police department

I've reason to believe that your neighbor or I know for a fact that all of your neighbors are dead Oh, man if it's not too much trouble it is my birthday Yeah, well, I don't know if you got... Yep, you grab a wrist. Dancing and clapping and all that jazz, but... Uh, usually for parties? Party of one. Okay, I guess we could.

Just give me a second. Thanks, doll. Appreciate it. Don't call me that. Okay, didn't... No. I didn't call you that. That's right. That way, it's high. I'm here, Blooming Failed here. Sorry to tell't, no. I didn't call you that.

That's right. I'm here blooming a field here. Sorry to tell you, but your wife is a tramp and your sons are a coward. Call me back at 1-900. How about you, don't? Ready? Okay. Happy birthday.

Yeah, happy birthday. Yeah, it's your birthday. Oh, sad. What's your name? How old are you? No. Let's break it down now. My name is Jessica.

I'm a Gemini. My name is Terrence. I'm adopted. D for effort. That felt forced. Leave the cake and get out of my face. Chloe, you can stay. But only if you want to.

I'm good. Hey, hey, dude. You all right? Scared to join me? Mu-uh-uh-uh-uh! You tweeted you were gonna kill yourself in a PGI fuckleys bathroom. Shame. Yeah, you are.

Will you stop calling my family? Okay, did you? You tell him it was your birthday? If you're asking whether or not I got a free cake, I'm not. I did. Sad. Okay, you know what? Park it, right here brother.

I'm not gonna sit on your lap. Can I get you something? Yeah, he's gonna have the same thing as me and it's his birthday so sit on his face. Oh, good stuff. That's it. You just go to cry at the end, huh? When in doubt, we cry at the end.

Yeah. That's, I know we said this on, we said as much on Patreon, but, wow, first of all, I have to say that my teachers went to 50 and you signaled boost toed it to be sure over the finish time. Yeah. Wow. It feels good. I'm talking a lot. It feels really good. What am I supposed to say that it doesn't feel amazing to barely have 50 viral.

Have to not viral. He had the pity me of the comedy game, King of the Internet. Did it after all these years. years, I did it about 25. I did it when I'm 35. You know, like that's my shit. It seems like as I get older, the jokes just get better. The Zengans. The Zengans.

The Zengans and that two of my uncles were in the lemon party photo. 36 slush 100 and That's right. I think that's pretty fucking neat. I don't actually I actually think that's meaningful as hell to me and I want to say thank you to the lovers and the haters but especially to the Likers, to those Likers that got me at not one, not two, not three, four, five, six, not seven,

not eight, not five, not 10. 53, 11, yes, 12, 13, not 14. That's quite enough. Probably to do it. 21, 22, 24, 24, 24. You don't have to finish. 29, 30, still far away. 21, 22, 23, 24, 24. You done that, you finished. 29, 30. Still far.

31, 32, 33, 4, 5, 6, 36, 37. Pretty sure. 40. Yeah. At this point, I should finish. I counted it to 3. Probably, yeah. Because it seems like you're not gonna stop.

41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50. And now we are up to not 51. Not 52, not 53, not 54, but 50, fucking five. And the gifts keep on giving for me. 56. That's God- I'm a weird person record. I'm weeping.

I can't even. You finally won your first bet of the pod. Venmo me $56, you piece of shit. 56, I said 50. Yeah, but for one, we said $1 for every life. Yeah, you're trying to get to 50 for 50. I wouldn't give you more, just like I wouldn't expect less.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Okay. All right. There were some Jake and me. There were some lonely and horny references in that video. Yes. Literally, you say lonely and horny, but also you're drinking a cosmo, which Ruby Jade drinks exclusively in that series. Correct.

Very cool. Okay, that's it. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. which Rupi Jade drinks exclusively in that series. Correct. Very cool. Okay, that's it. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. If you have your own segment suggestions, please tweet, slash leave a comment on YouTube. Yes. Yes.

Or just send us a TikTok of another funny duo, whose ideas we can borrow for the moment really and then give right back. Yeah, yeah, just, just using them briefly, yeah. And we'll be back of course next week. Ciao for now, everybody. Bye. That was a hit, dumb original. You got me. Hello, I'm Elise Morales and I'm Millie Tameras and we are the hosts of the new podcast Go

Touch Gras premiering on head gum December 13th. The phrase Go Touch Gras is what you say to someone who's so online they need to shut down their computer phone and go outside. And on our podcast, we break down the week in online discourse, viral memes, and niche influencer drama so you can do just that. Do you want to know why Gen Alpha is obsessed with fighting toilets? Or why people on Twitter say that Cheesecake Factory is not an acceptable place to go on a first date, which I disagree with. No, no, no, take me to cheesecake factory anytime you want, baby.

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