If I Were You - 1: Starbucks

Episode Date: May 10, 2013

Our first episode! We hope you like it. This episode includes advice on asking out your barista at Starbucks, and other sticky situations...See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

It's recording. Yeah If I were you if I were you if I were you the show Starts now We go that was Awful that was the first that's the way it's gonna start the first episode ever that was great. That was I rehearsed that for a year before even thought of the podcast I was rehearsing that well the name of the show is if I were you and Yeah, this is the first episode. We're not always gonna have Jake do the intro music though. We should yeah

Well, we just haven't thought of intro music yet, and we wanted to get the show on as fast as possible So yeah for now we're gonna be I'll be trying out a different intro song every single week until You guys hate me enough that you can someone can send in a song that we can use instead. That's right So this is the first and only Advice podcast on the internet from us hosted by us. Yeah, exactly, right? I'm Amir and I'm Jake and we are Amir and Jake and Our names go in no other order

So the goal of the show is to take user submitted life conundrums and sticky situations and offer our advice right however Qualified we are to give it which is not very the thing is we're not really experts in any other field so we figured a fun theme would be to Maximize the fact that we don't know what we're talking about right which is also why we called the show if I were you so like this is Just stupid advice that I would follow. Yeah, this is not professional advice that you should follow We can't be wrong because it's it's just if I were you right right? We can't we're not after offering facts

It's just our opinions. How can my opinion on something to be wrong? It's me. Let's find out I Guess let's start with the first question. Do you have it? Yes? I do our first question Oh, let's keep it anonymous, right? I was almost going to just reveal this person's true identity and embarrass them Oh, you can email us at if I were you show At gmail.com right with your own personal problems and conundrums and we will Give you advice That's right

But we'll totally keep it anonymous so you don't have to worry and we'll do that by just making up a name and location for Every person who emails in right this first one comes from somebody named Tram hamburger Awesome tram hamburger must be German. She's where do you want to say she's from? I think it's a male. He's from okay Costa Mesa, Alaska. All right tram hamburger from Costa Mesa Mesa, Alaska writes I have a huge crush on my barista. How do I ask her for her number without seeming like a total creep? Also, I want to be able to go to this Starbucks again. Is barista Starbucks specific. I actually I don't think so I think barista is like anybody that works with

coffee I Think this is what we've already proven that we shouldn't be giving anybody advice. We don't know what baristas are. All right, so Have you ever had a crush on a barista and not been able or are you talking to me? Yeah? Yeah, we're talking to the the radio world. Have you ever had a crush on a barista? It's a good song for you If I were you, how are you? All right, um, I actually yeah, I've had a Crush on two different baristas one one like well, I guess I still have a crush on one of them There's a well this one that I used to live it here. No, I shouldn't even talk about this

What if she's listening if she's listening see Anna, I miss you. I've done a great job at marketing It's playing in her Starbucks. I'm not right now. She's running out to the street So this CD is filled in Nora Jones songs and random podcast we found Yeah, so I have had a crush on a barista, but I did not get her number So I should even be giving this if I were you I would do absolutely nothing and just talk about it to my friends Well, I guess you're you're sort of a regular at Starbucks more than anybody else I know you try to go every day I Do I try to go to Starbucks every single day and you have no shame in that like there's a lot of like

Coffee hipsters and people like coffee snobs. Yeah, I mean I say I could I really do I love coffee I just like it to taste like a like chocolate milk or something I just like so you know like sweet. I love the taste of the sugar and the coffee That's what I like and I like the way it wakes me up I like having a routine and I mean oh jeez. This is a Starbucks gave us a lot of money for this All these questions are Starbucks Starbucks related next question. How do I get that sweet sweet refreshing flavor every morning? It's easy hop into a local Starbucks Why doesn't Starbucks have a size bigger than a Trenta?

Is that the biggest size I think that I think that's what it's called There's they like just came out with it last year. Maybe a few years ago It's it. There's like tall grande venti Trenta and it's like a trench is like a double venti. It's so huge. It's a big gulp Why why do you ever need a Trenta dude? Sometimes you just have those mornings. There's all sounds like these all sound like names will make up on the podcast Trenta from Walla Walla, Florida, right? All right, so you have a huge crush on your barista

You get a number without seeming like a total creep that is a hard proposition because all they do is ask you for your order And then ask you for your name, right? Like I want I would like a grande sweetened iced coffee and to spend the rest of my life with you I'd love a Trenta anything and a grande life with you My name I promise you it will be quite grande My name is also my phone number. Oh That's a good idea. Maybe you have to give her your phone number or give your email instead of your name, right? That's that's a pretty nice little idea. So what's that? What's the person's made-up name tram hamburger tram hamburger? So she'd be like, oh, what's your name and you say tram hamburger at gmail.com. Oh, that's kind of cool

Yeah, very sexy And then she just writes it down and gives it back to you the guy making the coffee starts emailing you No God do we give advice yet? I mean that's writing your email address is a pretty solid. It's pretty good advice I think you have to just be like, I mean this isn't necessarily if I were you advice But this is if I like really had a crush on her I think I would just you have to just be a hundred percent honest. You have to just go for it

Yeah, but you never actually do that in real life, right? That's true. Like hey, you're really cute I would love I'd feel stupid if I didn't get your number. Yeah It's so easy to say that you will do that and say like what's the worst that can happen I like I'm afraid to ask girls for the number like if I'm talking to them and it's going insanely well Yeah, and you'll never see them again, right? Just like we're hitting it totally hitting it off like all right Yeah, we should I'm gonna go we should ain't caught hanging out or get a drink sometime. I I don't know we'll run into each other Bye Yeah, what it's so funny like what's the worst that can happen like she would actually get offended or angry or hurt you in

some way right she throws a hot copy in your face Excuse me. No, you cannot have my number and in fact this is gonna be a shaming of you now Now you get burned take your pants off But like how do you go back into a Starbucks after she says she's like no, I'm okay like I don't I keep you my number And then you have to like show up the next day of course, of course, and I'll just have my triple caramel macchiato and Actually, you know what slit my throat. Can you slit my throat for me? I'm obviously too much of a pussy to do anything ever again So I'd like you to do that me that one favor a Trent a Trent a ice water and

Punch me in the eye because you've already punched me in the heart Trent a water You got to get a Trent a ice water sometimes. I just have to cool off No, I need a bigger cup of iced water. It's all it's all free God killing yourself in a Starbucks with a sad way to saddest eulogy ever Jake Hurwitz was a He was a good man a cut. No, no You all you guys saw he killed himself in his Starbucks, right that that rabbi has the hardest job ever that happened, right?

I wasn't just imagining it should anybody should any of you guys even be here. Why are you mourning him? You couldn't get a number to Starbucks and he asked for a knife and then Throw Can you freaking believe it? I guess he heard it on some sort of podcast or some shit if I were you I would ask for her number if you don't get it publicly kill yourself at Starbucks God You awful human Jesus Christ. Don't do that the email the email thing. I think that's the way that's the way to go

I'll give him more conservative advice and Don't do anything because you want to go to the Starbucks again. You don't want to embarrass yourself I think that is actually really good advice because isn't that like You don't really want her number in to like take her out on a date You like you get up every morning. You're like, I'm gonna go see Sienna at the Starbucks That was the name Starbucks question. I'm gonna see Anna. Yeah, that's why I used to call it actually But you know, you know, you don't want to ruin that keep that like that's the best part of any Relationship like this glorious little beginning having a crush don't ruin it keep on going to Starbucks keep on seeing Sienna

Yeah, that's really lovely, but also incredibly depressing The greatest part of your relationship is the part before it even began That's what I'm at right now. All right, I'll read the next question. Cool this one is from Trot cheeseburger at no girl girl girl stend girl stend den Den from Miami of Delaware writes

My girlfriend and I was invited to a fancy dinner by my boss and his wife It's we're invited, but that's fine. We'll make fun of every type of sick. Yeah, feel free to submit as you were We want to say yes, but we can't afford it Do you think we will pay or they will pay? Do they expect us to pay? How do I go about asking that? That's just a poorly constructed email It was frantically writing it while his boss was asking him it was in a cab on the way to the dinner Please We was just invited to a fancy dinner and do they expect us to pay? How do we go about this?

Please record and upload the podcast. We are inching up to the ballet right now in the bathroom during an 18 course tasting I Swatters all around on me you guys get the food I get the water We just finished our second bottle of a very expensive red wine And I fear I may be maybe in the hole for this dinner as I'm buzzed and offered to pay for the entire thing I've already put my credit card and demanded that I pay for it. So I'm worried that it'll take me up on it I think I just bought the restaurant So what would you do if your boss if I was invited to a fancy dinner? Yeah, if you was invited

What would you do? I guess you have to say yes because it's like a good way to get in With your superior right and I mean I don't want to give the advice about lying But you could always just like say yes go forget your wallet your boss obviously he'll cover it And then you say oh, I'll get you back and then you just avoid him for Because that's the beautiful part of your job is the part before your boss hates you That's the best part. So Gosh, what yeah, what would I do? I guess I would you know, you could do is um Offer to choose like a less expensive restaurant. So email and back be like wow that place is awesome

But I don't know if I can afford it. Can we eat at a cheaper place? Yeah, that's nice. That's I think that's where to go That's honest. It's enthusiastic and saying yes like you want to do it. It's not like I don't want to have dinner with you and your wife It's like I just want to go somewhere. That's affordable for everybody. That's right And then he'll respond to be like nonsense. We're eating at the fancy place not and you're fired Me my wife and your boyfriend are having a menage a toah, and you'll be eating at McDonald's It's his girlfriend, but yeah, shoot the joke still stands the menage a toah is still happening That's right That's pretty sound advice actually I'm pretty proud of myself. Yeah

Should we move on yeah, let's do it this this next question comes from Tammany Jenkins I went to high school with her Tammany Jenkins from From Sarajevo, Colorado Sarajevo, Colorado She writes my best friend wants to work at my company and my boss emailed me to ask me for a recommendation I love her, but I don't know but I know she will be an awful employee Do I tell the truth and have her not get the job or should I be a good friend and recommend her? That's a conundrum. Yeah, that's a good one and that is do do do do do we're stumped moving on We got one pass a show

This one is more than it in fact let's pass on the next couple because they are also quite hard That is perfect. Let's go back to the barista one since that one was easy somewhat solvable for us and the show is over We have been stumped and we are done the 14 minute mark marks the end of the podcast run Not the end of this episode with the end of everything clearly we were in way way way over our heads I thought we could give advice, but we suck my best friend wants to work at a company and my boss emailed me to ask for a recommendation I love her and I know she'll be an awful employee So would you tell will you can you imagine being best friends with someone who would be an awful employee? Like I wouldn't be friends someone like that. Um, oh

What do you okay, are you saying just yeah, just staring daggers right now? I'm just glad that you think we're best friends. Oh cool. I think you know I kind of think I would just have to tell the truth and I would I would say You know, you could number one tell your friend that uh You know, I don't think this job is right for you. You might be able to tell her why yeah This job isn't right for you. I think it's like more geared towards a competent human being You are not that or you could you know, you could just tell your boss the truth and not tell your friend the truth But like in order to serve the greater good, which is preserving your

Friendship at the cost of your best friend's career So there's a way to instead of like being damned if you do and damned if you don't you're saying There's a way to like conserve your job and also your friendship by lying to the girl and telling her not to apply Right, but you told the boss the truth. I think that sort of cancels it out Just so you tell the boss the truth and lie to your friend one truth one lie You're back at neutral. You're still getting into heaven. That's all that matters heaven is god tallying up all the truths and lies you told like hey, um Ooh

You're one under par 200,000 truths and 200,001 lies. So uh to hell with you To hell with you That would be the saddest thing to hear god say You're just getting over like the the awe that he exists Why is god the one doing the math because he's got doesn't he have an angel in charge of that? No, no, it's just that all god is is just letting you into the playground of heaven But there there should at least be like a jewish angel in charge of tabulating the score. That's true. That's true Or it might be the devil. Maybe it's a devil thing

To heaven with you. Oh, that's nice enough truth. So you're saying lie to the boss Or tell the truth to the boss lie to the friend. I think also before you do anything Why don't you sit down for a long time and try to think of like why you think your friend would be bad at this job? And maybe there's like a chance that you could Guide her be sort of a mentor to her and uh, you know, then it could be a great thing It's like you're you work with your best friend and she's really excelling at this company And you know the two of you can work well together No, that's not gonna happen

Kill yourself at a starbucks That's how all of our advice ends. What about what's your advice? What if you were taminy? Um, I think I would lie to my friend and say that I told my boss I would be like told him. Oh, you didn't get the job. You know what it is It's probably like a lot of it is like a bureaucracy and uh, red tape And uh, I assume if your friend is as incompetent as you say she is she won't even know what that means and you'll just got Sorry, you know red tape and then she's just gonna find another job. Perhaps at a red tape factory Um, all right next question

We are chugging right along. Yeah, let's take a break. Let's take a breather. Let's take a little breather This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you. Better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that Difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist Especially one in your area Uh, but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist

And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful therapy has helped Millions of people over thousands of years So give therapy a try it can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful So you can find that balance better with better help All you got to do is go to better help comm slash if I were you you do that today You can get 10 off your first month So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in A waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional

licensed help And it's extra affordable. That's better help HELP.com slash if I were you check them out. Thanks better help Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way For dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design To create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online

You can do an online store. They have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns Data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace For example, I didn't even look this up But there's no way you can't buy a mere blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this Season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website

So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace We're going to try to release this podcast once a week once every monday for You know 30 to 45 minutes of advice. Um, I think that's a pretty good Total running time. We don't want to like overboard people. Some of my favorite podcasts are very long

But they can get a little bit too long. That's right. So if you have Uh conundrums questions if you want some life advice The email is if I were you show at gmail.com you can write us in And uh, let us know what you're struggling with. Yeah, and you can you can include a fake name too If you don't trust us to come up with one for you as good as tamany Jenkins or what was yours? Um, I already forget something den Tram hamburger, I think was one of them hamburger was one then there was sherdon's den dan or something like that and the questions I guess the better the questions have the

Better questions have more details is what I'm trying to say. That's true You think we should edit this podcast or just leave everything in? Um, You know, let's just I like the idea of just leaving everything in natural Yeah, like when we were nervous at the beginning just leave it in because it might be like charming. Yeah, exactly Now I'm not nervous at all. Yeah, because now I know it sucks There's starbucks nearby Uh, that's gonna be I hope that's a theme from like in someday. We're on like episode 1000 We're still talking about killing ourselves at a starbucks

In the future when starbucks no longer exists. I want to be broadcasting it live from the starbucks siana just sitting on my lap I can't believe you ever thought that this wouldn't work out that you like just having a crush on me Like well now I love you now. You're carrying my son Uh a boy can dream And nothing else All right Two questions left. Let's try to get to them. Right. I guess I

Should we say that there's five five questions per show or just see how long it takes us to get through in half an hour Some will have more and some will have less. Yeah, that's what I'm for Like because it'd be kind of fun to spend one episode doing like just a ton of advice for one problem and then on the on the other hand it'd be kind of fun to do like You know rapid fire just like lightning rounds lightning rounds. Yeah, that's fun All right. Next question is I live with three dudes. Who's it from? Oh, um qd

Zeb qd zeb Clearly not a martian I live with three earthlings and we want to move to a cool carbon place zeb writes from planet earth. I swear to god We're just three normal carbon beings hanging out eating human food and we were wondering Listening to your taylor swift eat seek destroy eat seek destroy. Oh my god Listening to your table So it's q qd zeb qd zeb writes

I live with three dudes and we want to move to a place with just two of them Do we just kick the third guy out or move to another place? We love our apartment help Wow, so you basically qd has Three roommates two of which he enjoys And I assume the other two roommates feel the same way basically they three people dislike their fourth roommate It's funny to Listen to this question in the lens of he is the awful guy

Where like his three friends hate him and he's like, yeah, two of us really want to move out and we don't like that third guy He's writing the cmail while his other three roommates are moving out Anyway, we got this place filled with boxes and we just love it, but this third guys are real earthling It comes out of his room. Hey guys, I emailed everybody on the podcast. Well, no I have a place to myself. It's amazing I guess if um If i'm qd if i'm zeb and I can't go back to my whole plant home planet

um Well, you know, it's sort of can you afford the place without a without a fourth roommate? That'd be kind of dope kick that guy out. Now you have a home office. Are you waiting for an answer? Yeah Send us back That'd be cool to have phone calls once in a while That's what we should do that if somebody like writes in with a really cool question We should be like can we call you back when we're recording? You can explain it to us live. Oh, that's a great idea. There we go Yeah, we'll have callers. Mm-hmm. And even if we have to call them

I want to like pretend like I just got a caller on a switchboard. Oh, yeah. All right Qt zeb you are on the air You're live go you're live you're live on this podcast that we may or may not edit um So you're saying kick them out and try to afford the rate the rent increase I've never had this problem where I had we're like I I mean I've had roommates where I didn't want roommates anymore and then I just moved out on my own so like I've never had

You know two friends that I wanted to live with and a fourth guy we didn't like right I guess if it were me I'd just try to make that situation like really unlivable for the fourth roommate until he finally Up and was like hey. All right. Fuck you guys. You've been assholes for a very long time. I'm moving out Just force him out kind of like when you're in a bad relationship instead of breaking up with them You just act like a terrible person until the other person breaks up with you. Yeah. Yeah, that's yeah That's the move. This is the equivalent here. This is that's what's gonna happen with me and siana Everything goes according to plan. You're also gonna get her to move out by leaving crumbs everywhere

It's funny if you just like make the place Disgustingly unlivable, but this fourth girl is like all right finally we can hang out and have a good time I was already I was worried you guys were like neat freaks. I thought you were a bunch of squares I also like imagining this fourth roommate. It's like super nice Like he's the he's the cool one the other guys just like yo we want to leave this place a mess We want to stay up till 6 a.m. Blast and music and shit Friends if you wanted to I could have gotten the studio a pita tears somewhere in the city where I can spend my weekends You didn't have to go through all this effort. Just be honest with me

Well, you have horns and antlers coming out of your forehead So what would you do? I think uh god that is tough. I would probably Like have like a roommate meeting and be like all right guys Me and guy cool guy one and cool guy two. We're talking about moving out We don't want to like all move in together because we want like a smaller place We still love you frank. I just hope you don't mind that like

We're gonna have to live somewhere without you and move out and just like leave the apartment Oh, and then he's like he's gonna like yeah, you basically say the apartment's disbanding He has to find a new place right and then once he does you say oh, you know what I think like We're gonna renew the lease We actually weird shit is we changed our mind Unfortunately for you frank. You've already paid the broker's fee and signed a lease You're kind of pot committed as it were to uh getting the fuck out of here. Anyway, we will not help you move That's what it's like. All right, so we're all moving out tomorrow move out day

Yeah, you have like a party a goodbye party Frank has all of his stuff in boxes and realizes you guys aren't going anywhere. Yeah, shoot I think we might just end up staying because this place is dope, right? Anyway, see a door slams on face Um, wow We're almost out of time, but we have one more question to get one kind of times it out very well How what's our time right now 25 minutes? That's really nice. I saw 25 minute podcasts. Let's end it right now actually no, no, no, no, no

25 is the perfect length by My mom painted me. Oh who's who wrote this this one is from uh Boxelina Jarface. Hmm. Okay. There's not a box or a jar on this table. I promise you There's both Uh, my mom painted me a gift for mother's day. I just had my first child. Ooh, there's a little jarlina in the house A painting of me holding my infant daughter, which seems nice, but it's really ugly. Do I need to hang it up? Wow

That is that's a conundrum. Yeah I like this question because it like all four five of these questions sort of represented the cross section of advice Uh, characteristics question quality. Yeah, this is something that I would edit out, but I won't I'm talking with no end in sight Someone stop me. There's no Uh, period coming anytime soon. So I think Um, oh what I was saying is that it's good that like we got like a family question in a romance question in a friendship question Yeah, look at that question everything sort of you ran the gamut exactly and so don't feel

embarrassed or shy to Ask us or email us any type of question and uh, if it's not good enough, we just won't talk about it Yeah, you cannot it's that easy If I were you show at gmail.com if I were you show at gmail.com should I play the song again? No, we'll play it one more time at the end. It's like an outro song That'll be the last time you ever play it if anybody wants to play it at home I believe the chords are cfcg. So write it down. Yep And my mom paid me a gift from mother's day and I just had my first child a painting of me holding my infant daughter

Which seems really nice, but it's really ugly. Do I need to hang it up? Hmm, that's a good question. Yeah, I mean if I were you I would have never had a child That's your first not ready for it Uh, I I guess um, I would probably You know you just have you have paint like things hung up in your house. I probably just Hang it up when your mom was coming over. Is it like I? Oh, that's good That's it just like keeping in the closet most of the time and then uh when your mom's gonna come over just

Take down some other painting hang it up the second worst painting you take it down You switch it up, but what if like the one time she comes over right she like pops in right right? I guess that's that's that's the problem. She if you don't I feel like don't know when your mom's gonna be there or not Right, or you're just like you post a picture on facebook in your house and your mom's comments. Um, Where's my painting? Dislike button So I think I would put it up in a place that you can't really see Yeah, but the mom's gonna see that she's gonna know exactly what you're doing

I think when you paint a painting for someone you're like very aware of where the tongue That's funny just like leave it Hang it up, but still two inches above the ground. So it looks like it's just resting facing the other way I want the wall to see it You know what's a good little spot for it? Like behind a door that you leave open a lot, but then like It's it seems like it's sort of like like prime location near near a door But then like the open door usually blocks it or something that's right

And then if the mom's like why don't you put it in a more prominent place? Fuck you mom your painting sucks. It's an ugly gift. That's why Or just have your infant daughter like spill something on it or like tear it down Oh, she'll never suspect the infant daughter and she can't get mad at it. She'll be like That's ironic because it's you holding the thing that destroyed my painting. Yeah, it's kind of a fun story. Isn't that nice? That's what you're giving her from mother's day You should ask your dad for advice because he probably has to deal with your mom's stupid art all the time Yeah, their apartment is awful. It's just chock brimfield with terrible paintings.

That is just like you know what just just go with it. Okay It's your mother. I know I did And you came out I mean I was just uh smoking a fake cigarette. No, it's a real cigarette. Oh shit Um, all right. That's five good questions five amazingly hilarious answers, right? But what else do you need? I guess nothing to lead all your other podcasts Unfollow every podcast. It's us or nobody. No, no, that's a terrible message You can listen to other podcasts, but thanks so much for listening to ours

Uh, we wanted to say thanks to soundcloud for hosting our podcast They're an amazing service and they do awesome stuff They make it possible for people to listen to our podcasts online. Yes. Thank you soundcloud Thanks to my brother ben for making that cool icon the art that you see when you're listening to that Right the cover art check that out. It looks like we're we're like part of a hip folk duo Which is why we were playing this folksy song and uh until next week. Thanks so much for listening Uh, we hope you come back. We feel like I feel like a lot of people will listen to the first Podcast and then it'll slowly dwindle and then plateau at the amount of people that will actually be listened to the podcast

Right until it's zero and we're just killing ourselves in a starbucks And that's that'll be our last episode. All right, remember to write in if I were you show at gmail.com That's right. All right, play us out if I were you if I were you if I were you the show Yeah, what happened there dot com. Oh, we do have a website if I were you show.com That's perfect the show dot com See everyone