If I Were You - 100: Family Fiction (with Ben Schwartz and Thomas Middleditch!)

Episode Date: September 8, 2014

Ben Schwartz AND Thomas Middleditch join us on our 100th episode! They advise, they sing, and they... get real.This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com and Squarespace.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Oh, if I were you, would Jake can hear me, talking about if I were you, setting the tear? I said if I were you, I'd make up my mind real quick, if Jake was you, he'd probably let you suck his dick, dick, that's what the song is really about, dick, dicky, that's what the song's about, oh Jake's old dick, it's got a nice D, I saw it in the shower yesterday, it's ways and flows like this, but you don't know until you see him piss, holding hands, looking at each other in the eyes and kissing, that's where we hold each other's hands, we look at each other's eyes and we kiss, four dudes kissing, staring in each other's eyes, if I were you, that was so bad, Thomas Middleton Ben Schwartz, Jake on guitar, thank

you, first guest who have ever recorded their own intro music, that was really good, it's kind of beautiful, I can't wait to hear that back in seven months, it was cool because the over-under on dick jokes was 91 seconds and we got it right in during the theme song, I messed myself up because I said something that could rhyme with dick and then it was game over, yeah and then when I was like oh rhymes with dick I gotta find a way to put Jake's name before there were a dick, literally that's what my process was, it was really nice because I was just trying to not fuck up the guitar, but I could intermittently hear things about my penis, oh you try not to listen, yeah, cause otherwise I'd laugh

and then I'm like really bad at this, we're just grown men whose pinnacle idea of humor is a nice dick reference, yeah, that's true, I've always thought of him, Jake's not over 30, Jake's 22, he's 22, 22 years young, Jake's my little cousin's best friend, that's how the web series started, no it's okay, episode 100, hey we did it guys, it was hard, 100 you've done Thomas, together have we done about 50 of those 100? I would say you've done about a tenth of that, together you've done five or six, I like that, this is your third and your third, now you've both done probably, Thomas has done three, so this is his fourth, wow, is this my third or my fourth, yeah well we did two

the first time, plus the one we're just doing, oh wow the two veterans, you got the two veterans in here for number 100, but this is one of our first shows with four guests too, so that will be a terrible idea maybe too. Mike it's a zero question, Thomas one of the bits I did for my old one is we never got to questions, I always ask to wait one more second, so if we can continue that bit on this one without just like, maybe, I like the question, Thomas has a lot of fun with the question. Oh then this is going to be weird, it already begins, the questions are my favorite part,

really? Yeah. Oh I just like talking, I don't like listening to anybody's questions. Oh but I want to help the little boys and girls, the little boys and girls. Oh it's a toy, you'll remember them. Can you do, is that Smee from Hook? Smee, Smee, what about Smee? That's a bad Smee.

That's a good Smee. That's a good Smee. That's a Smee. She wants to be in the middle of us, she wants to be in the middle of us. That's what it was right? Yeah. Thomas also. Can you get the origin to that?

Oh we actually, we talked about it. I forget it though, but we invented that right? Yeah, we were at that symphony and then we, we were at the, Thomas had the best quote for that, he said it was like the whitest place he's ever been, or what was it, it was a. I don't know. Why did you go to a symphony with each other? Michael Giacchino does the score for Up and he was performing, his performance was

fantastic. By the way, everybody was, I thought it was really good, it was just a very different tempo, but it was him performing Up and then a bunch of different people and I enjoyed it very much. And then didn't Kendrick Lamar close it? No, Kendrick Lamar. That's crazy. We actually had to leave halfway through to perform Snow Pan so we didn't get to see

Kendrick. Oh really? Can you really close it? No, no, no. It was all like, it was like they're filling our mind. Oh no, no, I know I'm an asshole. You guys are all too good, man. I like to be in someone to take a picture, right?

Yeah, sweet little lady. Sweet little lady wanted to take a picture and then we said, get in the middle. No, she said, she said, oh, no, we said, what do you want to be? And she said, I want to be in the middle. And then we were both like, she wants to be in the middle. And then in my brain, she just left and you guys were still singing. By the way, 100% when she left, we were still singing. Yeah, I was saying, I told everyone, I can't stop singing.

It's in my mind on repeat. I'm going insane. The best part is I thought Thomas had his phone towards, I had my phone toward Thomas and I was filming the orchestra behind him and Thomas and then Thomas put his phone on me and I was recording and I was laughing and then he showed me his video and he was taking a video of himself. So he wasn't taking a video of me at all. You both were videoing him.

Yes. So he had two different angles of himself. I thought that was so funny. Well, they were doing that song, that guy, Cheesy McCheesy, he was going, yeah, I want to read the lights up right on Broadway. On Broadway, he was going, Hollywood. Oh yeah. Does any piney poopies Hollywood?

And Simon Rich and something else and Simon Rich. I can't believe Simon Rich is in that song. Is that he was named after? Yep. Probably, right? Because the song predates him. Yeah. But that was a fun night.

Should we even explain how the show works or if you made it this far? It's pretty interesting. No, maybe this is the intro. Maybe this is the first time people are ever listening. Give them a quick whatever. That's true. It's because, yeah, there is a chance that people are just tuning in because of y'all. Well, new listener, they go, 100 episodes.

That's what I would do. I might, well, I'll start with the anniversary and then he completes his stroke. By the way, I agree. That's what happened. I think all these new listeners are probably going to pass away from strokes, but. Really? If I hadn't listened to a podcast before and it said, like, 100th anniversary, I would assume that you would get people you like to play with on or at least bigger celebrities.

You probably should have gotten bigger celebrities. Like who? Do you guys know anybody? I want to meet, you know. You could have got, you could have got, man. You could have got. A big boy. You could have got one of those big boys.

Yeah. I'd say, you could have got. This podcast just does texting bigger celebrities. To see if they'll go on the podcast for a phone call. You might go through you guys' phone and just text in whoever. Is there someone more famous than you that you can text and get here in the next 45 minutes? No.

Come on. Yeah. Mike Still. We could try to get Mike Still. Mike Still. Maybe Johnny Conroy. Who? Johnny Conroy.

You're naming people that. We could probably get a, I don't know who we could get. Who lives where, where you guys live? Who does live where we are? Let me paint the picture where we are. Right now, me and Thomas are on a couch in front of me. Amir Blumenfeld wearing nothing but purple shorts. Are you wearing underwear?

Be honest. I'm wearing shorts and underwear. Jakey. What are you wearing, buddy? This is a gray tank top, green shorts. No underwear. No underwear. It's very hot in their place.

Yeah. It's always warm here. Yeah. And we're here in the salarium. I don't understand why we haven't started the show. I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm just.

Jakey, what's wrong, man? As the moderator, he's not really, he's not really, you know, going. No, he's excited. He's excited. You're just, you're just sitting here in awe. Sorry. Completely naked. I have to get this call.

This is crazy, right? Who is it? It's my dad. Put him on. No, no, just put him on. It's not really my dad. I was just joking. All right.

So how does this episode, or how does this show work? We, this is an advice podcast and people email us in need of our help. And sometimes it's just me and Jake and sometimes we have a friend and today we have two because it's a special occasion, our 100th episode, Thomas Middleditch and Ben Schwartz. If you guys don't know who these people are, sign up for an IMDb pro account, right? Are you guys on regular IMDb or just the pro? I think just the pro for both of us. Just the pro?

Just the pro? Can you get the app there on the app? Yeah. What happened? He just got a chiropractor. Yeah, I got him. I got back stuff. And Ben, as you were speaking, was just touching and probing and massaging and being a kind

gentleman. But then he hit the sore one. I hit the bones. The spine. The bones. The bones. I talked to Iris to take care of that. She's going to tell me about the healing from the ant.

You play the chiropractor. I'm going to play you. Hey, my back. My back is killing me today. Oh, you poor thing. Well, as we all know, we heal from within and we expel negative energy without it. That's fine. But do you mind if you fix my back?

Okay, what's going to happen is I'm going to lay you down and I'm going to assess your energy and sort of see where it's not stuck. Skip the energy part and just feel where it hurts. Okay, well, I'm feeling you and I can see here there's a kink in your chakra. Okay, can you please take... No, can you skip the chakra and get right to that bone? Pointing to where it hurts. Okay, I just want to remind you that we heal from within and get the negative energy.

That's great. You said what you need to say now. Find that bone and just help me out. Is this the bone? This is the bone, yes. Can you please push with your hands? What is that? What is that?

A diamond? What does that diamond do? This diamond activates spirits from beyond the grave. No, I don't care about that. You asked me about it, what it was, sir. Put your hands on it and please fix my back. Fix my back. Oh, sorry, I'm touching my own back.

Yeah, just put your hands on it. That's this feel. That feels great. What is that? Okay, and hold. Breathe in and out. Ah, she likes to be in the middle. She likes to be in the middle of us.

Do you regret this? Not yet, baby. Not yet, baby. This is going to be the first 70-hour podcast. Give us a question. I want them. All right. Okay, but before we ask a question, can I ask you guys a question?

No, no, no, no. I know the fun thing with Ben is to not answer questions. When you choose to wear underwear and when you choose not to wear underwear. Why did you choose not to wear underwear? And then how long will you go? Because you're getting in your car in a little bit. I like to not wear underwear if I'm wearing shorts. Because I like to feel the air.

I like to feel the air on my thing. But that's the time you should wear underwear. Because that's when people can look up your shorts and see your balls and penis. I don't think anybody can see my balls. Can you see my balls and penis right now? Well, if I did, if I went at a certain angle, I would have. There's a possibility. No, I think the shorts are too tight.

I don't think you can. You're right. But I wear baggy, baggy shorts. Hey, but Jake, I don't care if I would see your ball or penis. Yeah, I don't really care if anybody sees my ball or penis. I would have to be in a pretty weird position for someone to get a good look for a long time at my ball or penis. Yeah, that's true. If someone catches a glimp, that's fine.

A glimp. A single glimp. A single glimp. A singular glimp. All right. So I misspoke once and that's going to be how I remember. That's the show. I said a glimp.

A single glimp. All right. Not too glimpses. Nobody misspeak on this podcast, huh? Misspeak? Oh, god. Two for two, Jake. Misspeak?

What? You went two for foo. Wait, what was wrong with misspeak? Do you guys have TV here if we want to watch a Simpsons marathon after this? No. Great. This place is a war. I want to get to a question.

Don't want to bully you. All right, let's do it. We will. There's always time for a question. We get to one usually at the very end. No, we want to get three. No, we don't. I'll ask you any questions.

I love the question. You're like a kid on the way to Disneyland. The questions are the funnest part. What's wrong with you? All right, let's start a question. Just trust. Have a question. I've done it before.

I've done this real three, four times. You haven't let us add a question. The first time I did it, we did a bunch of questions. Couple. And it was fun. Ask a question. Come here. We get to make up the names too, right?

Yeah, that's right. Are you doing it with everybody? Yeah. You're an asshole. You started with me. Oh. Nope. Cool.

All right. Ask a question real quick. Sure. No, don't let it take you. I'm not telling you. I want questions. So you guys have to win. You have to win.

This is a competition. Give me your phone. No, no, no. I got it. I got it. I need a name. I need a name. Is it a girl or a boy?

You do the first name. I do the last name. You won first or last name? Well, I'll do first, last name this time. You do that. I can't imagine we're going to get the two questions. Yes, we are. Put my foot down.

All right. We need a guy's name. Orlando. Oh, I've never heard other people make up names. This is exciting. Orlando is the first name. I do the last name? Yeah.

That's what you said. Oh, I thought you were going to do the whole first name. Orlando Cornel. C-O-R-N-O-L-T. Cornel. Cornel. Orlando Cornel. Orlando Cornel.

Right. I have a question. Have you guys ever actually met a guy named Orlando? Orlando Bloom, you mean? No, but have you met one? No. I've never. Anybody?

Yeah, I knew a guy that had a kid named Orlando once. I don't believe that. That's a Kevin Bacon removal right there. What's that? You don't know the kid, do you? I met him. Oh, okay. I don't think you met him.

I can't imagine you hanging out with anybody's kids. I'm great with kids. Prove it. How? Pretend I'm a kid. Pretend Thomas is a kid and I'm the father. Hey, Jakey, can you do me a favor? Can you take care of my friend?

Take a nap. We're going to ask. We're going to answer a question. What? You like that? You like that? I got pee-pee in my underwear. Jakey, please.

Can you take him before he pees in his pants? Wait, what's this? I got poop all over my legs. Take care of him, please. I'm a kitty. I'll take it. All right. This is crazy.

He's really excited. He's just actually changing him. He's changing your diaper. We used to have a question here. Orlando, Orlando, Orlando, Cornold writes... Orlando! Ben! What musical is that from?

What musical is it from? Anybody? Ben! You have to be a better host. This is real. If you guess this correctly... Give me the phone because I'll be better than you. No, I can't.

Shut up. For real. What musical is that from when they go... Orlando! Okay, we get to do the first question. By the way, you're not the gatekeeper. You're letting Ben host the podcast. Is that okay?

No. Hey guys, I need some advice. I was recently using my mom's laptop while mine was being worked on, and while I was using it, I noticed a folder on her desktop labeled Stories. Lovely. After I opened it, I started reading some of the word docs, and I noticed that the short stories were all about my family. But the plots of some of the stories are events that happen in real life, but she adds romantic

drama. For example, all of us sitting at a table, but we are all in our underwear shirtless oiled up. What? This is the mom? The mom does this? Mm-hmm. I did not read enough to see if it got hardcore...

See, the questions are interesting. I did not read enough to see if it got hardcore, but it is creepy nonetheless. Should I confront my mom about this? Thanks, Orlando Cornult. Wow. This is his own mother. His mother is writing erotic family fiction. Fam fiction.

Fam fiction. What happens? Wait, so theoretically, her son is involved in this shirted oil. Yeah, they're all writing erotic stories where the whole family is oiled up. As a non-family member, there's part of me that's like, cool, but then the rational side takes and I'm like, oh, that's... You wouldn't read... You wouldn't be into...

Are you into that? Are you into those videos of porno where it's like, father finally fucks his daughter? Do you hunt down those? No, but mother finally fucks herself. Yeah, step-moms. Mother finally fucks her legitimate son? No. Oh, god.

Oh, well, I know they're not really. It's really tough, because sometimes they're like step-kids, you know, and that's decently hot, but then sometimes it's like, actually, sister or brother. Is that hot? Step-kids? That's kind of hot. I mean, it doesn't really matter. I'm not in it for the story, but like, sometimes the girl is hot and she's like, oh, I love

fucking my brother. I'm like, shush. Don't say anything. Also, I just want to say that this guy didn't read enough to see if it gets actually erotic, but it definitely does. Absolutely. Yeah, they are oiled up sitting. They're like me right now, but oiled.

And then the rest of it is that they wipe the oil off and put their clothes back on. Well, they all take a shower. What does that mean? So what's the extent? Like, if it's the romance, is like, they all start kissing or having sex, that would be such a different story than what happens if they'd just come back from the biomecic fell in a bunch of grease. The mom's not a good writer.

Yeah, exactly. Babies, babies, babies. We totally should not say anything to the mom. Oh, you don't think so, regardless of what I agree. This is something that's just like, this is hers. You don't need to be a part of her life. A, she had a whole life before you, so just chill the fuck out. And then B, let her have her things.

Yeah, she's a mother. She's like working hard all the time. This is like this her secret little thing that gets her off. I think you shouldn't take it away from her. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We may not get her off, but maybe if it gets her off. It definitely gets her off. She's jerking off.

She's masturbating to this. Maybe. This is a dark one. It's harmless. If the guy, if the person, if it's going to bother him and really bother him and every time he sees his mom, he's going to think about how, oh my God, she's probably thinking about all of us fucking on the French toast or whatever it is. The next dinner is going to be very silent.

Imagine that. Of course she's going to think that. Anytime they're around. Let's get you to show up to dinner covered in oil. Is this what you want, mother? Does this remind you of anything, mother? I would say if you did open that can of worms, you may get something. That's opening a door.

I know that it is opening a door. A door of worms. A door of worms. Do you want to, do you want to open that door of worms to your mommy? Do you want a glip of that door or no? It was a glimp. You misspoke now. Let's all make fun of that for saying glip, everybody.

You just, I said glip. I said it wrong. Shit. Yeah, come on. But you said his wrong thing wrong. I know. How about him? I messed up.

I made a huge mistake. Oh, at least he admits it. You're a fucking asshole. I admit it. Jake, you're the worst. Amir, what would you do? What would you say? I would be so terrified.

I would, I would close the folder and walk away forever. What would you be so, when you look at your mom, your mom the next time, wouldn't you be like, ugh, ugh. Yeah, there's no way. The next, the next meal is going to be so quiet. Do you guys ever read Oedipus? Oedipus Complex? Oedipus Rex.

It's a, it's a, oh wait, no, it's, it's not Oedipus. It's all Greek. It's a Greek story. It's a Greek tragedy where this guy stumbles across his mother's erotic fan fiction about himself. No. And he gouges his eyes out. No way.

It's the equivalent. This is a modern day equivalent of Oedipus. Aye, aye, aye. I think, aye, aye, aye, that conversation will be too strange. Is she, like, sexual and forward with you in real life? If not, then let it lie. Let that sit down. That's true.

Thomas brings up a great point. If she's very forward in talking about sex and stuff, it may be something to bring up. But if she's, if you've come from a very reserved family, by the way, protect your fucking files. If you're going to write about fucking your own daughter or whatever the hell it is. Dang, man, we're jumping to a conclusion. This is a problem. This is a problem. Like, cause it's bad enough that he found it.

Like, exploring it any further is pro, it's not going to get better. It's not like there's a resolution that his mom's like, oh, yeah, I didn't write that. There's nothing that she could say. Oh, those stories, those weren't, those stories weren't for you. What about this idea, leaving just a little, little reminder or a little note to her that you've seen it? Like, right? No.

Stories from mom on the folder. That way she knows someone was there. God, this is, this is so much about how you were raised by the real. If you were, I mean, what if you were a dad and you were writing stories about your father, about your family, and then you opened up your folder and you saw a little word pad note that says like, I know, but you wrote, you're like, no, that's way too, that's way too on the wall. All I want to do is like, all I want to do is add her to asterisk at the end of the file

name stories. So she's like, I don't put that there. I wonder what's going on. She checks around. Nothing else has changed, but we weren't covered in oil. What if you got, what if the guy just went through and made revisions to the whole thing? The guy gave really extensive writing notes. Just like constructive.

Yeah. Only grammar notes, though. The story is fine. Okay. How about this? How about he may be looking into it too much? Maybe it's not their family. Maybe it's a family.

And this is something things about, but it's just, it's not the kid, it's not, you know what I mean? Yeah. Maybe it could be that. And maybe he's wishing it was his family. Cause he's the weird. Whoa. By the way, you're a pervert kid.

The point is this, this is this is this lady's private fiction. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be. Reading words of fiction.

Let it be. Let it be. When I find a. No, we're not doing the next. Of course. Of course. Everyone took off their headphones at that point anyway. Drove into a freeway, uh, overpass.

Jumping due to freeway. Okay. So tell your mom or no. Don't tell your mom. Absolutely not. I don't know. I'm on the fence. I'm on the fence.

I don't know. I don't know what to do because if it was. Walk me through that conversation. I'm the mom. I'm not. I'm not thinking about the conversation. I'm thinking about it driving the kid crazy. Cause that's the thing.

Obviously driving the kid crazy. So he's going to have to stuff it down into himself until he fucking hurt himself. So he's going to have to stuff it down into himself until he fucking hurts himself. So he's going to have to stuff it down into himself until he fucking hurts and feels terrible. No, you just. You just remind me. If he says something that he feels terrible and she feels terrible.

Right now two people feel it. Well, maybe he can get a resolution and makes it feel better. If he's like, Hey mom, I found something on the computer made me feel kind of awkward. I don't know. I'm sorry. I masturbate to you covered in oil, son. Oh my God. See like that.

And then she's like, I'm a horrible mother. He's like, you're a horrible mother and then everything is terrible and gross. I want to know more about that family. I want to know more about that mom. I'd like to read some of the stories. I guess it is possible that she needs to be reported to child services. You're a horrible mother, but an amazing writer. The mother grabs the child by the waist and pulls him in.

I mean, if he's like 15 years old and she's writing a fan fiction about him covered in oil and then like blowing it. That's not a huge problem. Is that erotic? I think that's not. I just covered in grease. That's not enough. We have jumped to some serious conclusion.

Yeah, I agree. More information. Nobody's fucking each other. Literally, they're just sitting around eating meal and they're greasy. Well, he stopped reading there. That's like the intro paragraph. Of course. What happens if a dragon came in?

What about if the story is about a dragon? Is that illegal? Can you fuck a dragon? Last time I checked, you could. What? You fucked a kimono dragon. That's dangerous, man. Their spit will kill you, dude.

Is that true? Yeah. They got poisonous, mad poisonous spit. Shit. You're cool, man. Shit. That Thomas, he knows a lot about dragons. What other facts do you know, dude?

I know that they're fast. They'll really run after you. You gotta run a big dragon. Oh, they aggressive. They territorial. And they spit mad. Can you own one? Is that a thing to own or not?

Nah, dude, you can't own no kimono. Especially not here in the city, man. Shit. Where are you saying shit? What happened? Man, just because I think about that one time. What happened, dude? Man, that one time, I saw a kimono dragon.

Yeah, of course. On the internet, and I was like, I ain't never gonna see one in real life. And then? I realized it was true. Oh, man. I can show you for a dragon. The LA Zoo has one.

No joke. No. Yeah, dude, you go to the zoo, they have them. Shut your mouth. No, for real. You go up to the zoo. It's right near where Warner Brothers is. Don't be an asshole.

I think you're just saying cat phrases now because you're not listening to me. Hey, did I do that? No, now you're saying 90s, early 90s. Anyone wants some cheese? Is that from the same TV show? Yeah, baby. You did Cool Urkel, but not Stefan Urkel.

No. A different Cooler Stefan. Staphane Urquiel. Staphane Urquiel. Staphon. The third even Cooler Stefan Urkel. That would be so funny. And it's played by Thomas Miller.

You heard them bring it back. In Blackface, like Horrible. Horrible. The worst. I need another name. First name. Oh, first name. Girl or guy?

Boy. Boy. Um, stiff wiener. Corp. Q-U-I-R-P. Corp. Q-U-I-R-P. Q-U-I-R-P.

Corp. Corp. And then I do last name. Helicopter. Corp. Helicopter. You just took that from that helicopter. No, I didn't.

No, I didn't. That helicopter has a perk on it. Corp. No, it doesn't. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp.

Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp.

Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp.

Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp.

Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp. Corp.

drugs not to mention I won't even be able to talk. I feel uncomfortable for her and her family to come see me in the hospital because I think that's a weird way to meet. How do I tell her I don't want her to see me in the hospital or that I don't want visitors at all? Or am I just being ridiculous and they should just come? This is an easy one I think. I think you're raising me the same page for this one. I think you absolutely don't have... you asked the parents not to come. You're in the hospital for one day. You don't want to meet the parents that way. And by the way what surgery is it that you're only there for one day? He won't say. And he could die.

I think it's either tonsils, wisdom teeth, or deviated septum. Not gonna die from those. So you don't have a small chance anytime you get anesthesia that you could die. Babies. Whose parents? His own? No, his girlfriend. His girlfriend and her parents. Yeah, and he's never met her parents and they've only been dating for a certain amount of time. Oh shit, the food's here. Let's press pause. No, no, no, let's keep talking. Okay, it's three of us. Here's what happens. Okay, you say, baby I'd love for you to come if you want but I think I'm gonna be down and out and maybe not have your parents come because I'm gonna be like recovering from my life

threatening surgery. It's just you and I. Everybody's gone. This is it. This is the reserve team. Now we can get to the real issues. Let's gab. Let's quickly read another question. They come back and we're just reading emails and giggling to each other. Maybe in our entire dinner. I think Benny Boy's right. You can just say, I mean it's surgery. You can be like, I'm gonna feel gross. You can come but I'd rather meet your parents under different circumstances. I feel like this dude is a pussy, man. What's the surgery? If it's like something where it's like there's a 2% chance I'm gonna die, then it's like you shouldn't have

even got her worked up. Just say you're not gonna die. Do you think that it's weird in general of her to want this? I think it's normal. It's weird for her to be like, I just want to see you and I want to bring my parents. Yeah, parents part is very weird. After a week and a half. Oh, just they've been dating for a week and a half? Yes. Oh, then no. Absolutely do not bring the parents. Absolutely say, hey, I'm so uncomfortable. I mean, this is the easiest. I'm getting mad now. You say please, I'm so sorry, but please, it'll make me uncomfortable. I don't know if parents will rather meet him in a different way. I love, and by the

way, if he's uncomfortable with her coming, I love the idea that you want to come, which he probably does because I feel like I'm gonna be drugged out and I don't want you to see me like that. I just met you, blah, blah, blah. Why doesn't he just like a little white lie? It's against hospital policy. You're not like my family. We just gave you truth. You're not allowed to come. Jake, why is your first thing seem to lie? I said white lie, and I just said if he wants to, it's an option. I'm not saying I would do it. Yeah, because what if she battles back and she's like, all right, but I really want my parents to see you

this way. Or she's like, oh, really? Because I was in the hospital last week visiting some friends of mine. And I can't tell you how when my friend brought his parents, it made me feel, oh, I don't know, man. If it's possible, try to die during surgery. You won't have to meet anybody. What does it mean to be dating for a week and a half? That's what? One date? Two dates? Maybe they're falling for each other. Maybe it's really positive. Like you see each other once and then every day for 10 days? He said she's a dime. She's a tenor. She's a dame. She's a tenor that he's been with for 10 days. I think you could say, I want you to come.

I don't want your parents to come. It's fine if she sees him all drugged up. That's okay. That's a little vulnerable. He used to be, he used to say those things like, where all those people come back from the dentist. And he's like, I'm a pony. Ride me. What happens if he says really racist things and it ruins all relationship? Well, then he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. Well, or she should get her camera out and film it and put it on YouTube and then we can all laugh at it. At the very least, he could be a star because of it. I think he should be a little sensitive to her because this isn't necessarily all about him.

It's like her feelings. So you think it's rude to say don't come? I don't think it's rude to say don't come. I don't think this is a good time for me to meet your parents. That's correct. If you want to come, you can. Just know that I'm going to be really drugged and I'll, uh, and I'm a little embarrassed. I, I don't know. I guess Warner, maybe you'll feel better. Don't take it the wrong way. I can't wait to meet your parents, but I don't think that like, yeah, I want to meet them when I'm healthy. Yeah. I like that answer, Jake, instead of you're lying about the hospital doesn't allow old parents in here. The hospital might not allow them. They might not. It might not be totally

kosher. Why does he say, well, I want to, I want them to visit me when I'm recovering at home. Well, let them have a glimp when they get home. Thank you. Well, look, it's the good year glimp right over there over Dodger Stadium. I'm just going to pounce on whoever, whoever says the wrong word. I promise you. I can't wait. It's going to be me again. Nothing can possibly go wrong. Possibly go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever been wrong. That's my favorite. Simpsons nerds. Marathon's on right now. When is this one coming out? Monday, September 8th, the day of our London show. Come if you're listening and you're in

London, there's still tickets available. Monday, September 8th, if it comes out, I'm on Jimmy Kimmel tonight. Is that true? Monday, September 8th? Thomas, what do you have to promote for September 8th specifically? It has to happen on September 8th. Is that a bachelor in paradise that day? Yeah, there is. I was going to say, the marathon goes for how much longer? 10 more days probably, eight more days. Are you still watching like season 15, 16 stuff? I am and I think it's really fucking funny. Oh, still? Yeah, you got to watch it. It's been overrated. No, underrated. The later season. I don't feel like our generation has watched as much. I wonder if you have a

generation underneath us because we were addicted. Do you watch The Simpsons at all times? Are you one of those guys? Not anymore. All right, I invited you to do the thing and you didn't say yes, right? Oh, I was out of town. All right. So casual and passive-aggressive Oh, that's right. So you didn't want to, you don't want to join me when I was doing something without the Simpsons. I was out of town. I flew to Chicago and the weather made me turn back, so I just flew right back. I was on our airplane all day. They only allowed immediate relatives in the room. Is that true? Because when you asked me to do your show, I said, yeah, no problem. Did you really fly to Chicago and they turned you, they did a U-turn during the flight? That's

not true, is it? And you landed back in LA? I was supposed to go to Cincinnati. Everybody at the college was Cincinnati, University of Cincinnati. You can do stand-up comedy? I'm doing stand-up comedy, babies. I love it. I love it. Everyone at the University of Cincinnati, my apologies, because I got to Chicago and the weather had delayed the flight to Simpsons and Newsies. Simpsons and Newsies, yeah, everybody. Thank you. Classic glimp over here. Continue? Sometimes it's the one the guy that hadn't made fun of me about it. Chill, man, I'm nice. And then, so I delayed it so I wouldn't be able to make it into town and then I flew back to Los Angeles. Oh, that sucks. That is the saddest thing. I don't know. It was coach. I loved it.

Chicago's got a nice airport. Remember they got those like Chostados? Oh, yeah, the tortas, tortas, yeah. Hey, Chicago, why don't you bring Thomas and I to do Two Person Improv or bring this whole entire podcast over. Are you listening to Chicago? Come on, Chicago. How much fun would it be to go to Chicago? You decline it. I've asked you a million times. To do, to tour? Remember I asked you to my thing and you said no. I'm the Two Person Improv. Oh, you're a liar. You're saying it now here on the air in front of all these people. You're a liar. I told you a little bit ago that I said that. I'm about ready to fart. You pushed me. It's coming your way. I'd like to hear it. Put it in the microphone. Do you think it could happen? Now I'll get

it. Try putting your knees by your ears and then, Ben, you just get that big soft bulb as close as you can get to is anal opening. Put it closer, put it closer. I don't know if it's going to happen. I don't think it's a big enough toot. You just sharded. It doesn't matter. Just let me shit your pants for real or had a little bit of shit going your pants. I'll preface this by saying I don't remember for me. So I'm not trying to, I don't want to make you say it and then you'd be like, what about you? And I'm like, oh, I don't remember. Yeah. I don't have a good shitting my band story. Yeah, not recently. I have a funny one where this was ages ago. I was a young 20-man and I was in a 20-man. I was like 21 years old. And I was in this, I was in my bedroom

and it had tiles. It was like one of the basement apartments horrible in Toronto. Thomas is smiling a little bit now, which makes me feel like the story is about to get amazing. No, it really doesn't. I was like, I was new to my bedroom as is my life pretty much. Just nude scoot around and I remember I had to like pick something up and I like plop down squatted to pick it up and just like on control be a little doll a poop came out and like landed on the tile. You had no idea you had to poop. That is the perfect situation. You're completely naked onto tile. Yeah. It's like the easiest cleanup. A surveillance camera would have resulted in somebody thinking you did it on purpose. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm just sort of by myself in my room like having a good time

like, oh, there it is. They're like two on the tile. Really? How big? With your hand, show me how big? Like that's the record show that he showed about two Butterfinger BBs. No, this is like an acorn. An acorn. Like an acorn type shit. And I just looked at it and I just started laughing. So then I'm sitting there naked alone by myself laughing. Did you shit afterwards or no? Well, I thought to myself, Tommy, you got to go to the bathroom. What are you doing? I'm sure I did. But at that point, I was like, fuck, man, I gotta, now I got to put clothes on, go get some toilet paper, bring it back, wipe it up. That's living on your own for the first time. Living on your own. You can't, you know what I do? This is embarrassing. It's sort of related to shitting my pants, but more

controllable. I drool a lot. So I'm like sitting watching a YouTube video on my computer, picking my nose and I will drool onto my own chest. Really? And I'm like, what, this is the lowest I could do. Is your mouth open when you do it? Like, yeah, I think so. I'm like Homer looking at like a cheeseburger. Yeah. I don't feel it until it hits my chest. Like, oh, I'm drooling on me. How is, how base is that? What a monster. I'm like, what, two year olds can not drool and I'm lower than that for that one second. I feel like. I guess my biggest fault is that I'm too tidy. I guess I care about work a little bit too much. That's the one for interviews, they always say. What's your biggest default? Did you ever hear that when you're like going to job interviews like when they ask

you what you're like? Your biggest weaknesses. Your biggest weaknesses. Say that I guess I'm like too neat or like I'm too on the nose and on time and stuff like that. Right. And I say I drool on my chest. Do you drool or shit? I guess I do shit. Yeah. Really? Disgusting. I think I drool in my sleep. I guess my thing is like, I feel like I always have boogers. So sometimes when I laugh, I like go out my nose and I'm like. Oh yeah. You'll snort. You'll snort. I do that like. You'll snot rock it. Yeah. Like by accident. I do that more often than I think anyone. Right. I do it a lot. I get a lot of ear, I get a lot of ear wax so much so that sometimes they'll just be hanging out and I'll hear like and like a chunk. Like a stalactite. Yes. Yeah. Like a chunk will just

tumble out and it'll be on my shoulder. And quickly wipe it away. Let's do one more question. We do have one more question. Oh, we have two more questions. I need another name. But this time from a lady. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can

switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks BetterHelp.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through

Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up, who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Hey, you're up first. Um, Jezwin.

Jezwin. Oh, here it's coming to me. Okay, curled. No, that's not it. Jezwin. Jezwin. Oh, that makes everything different. Jezwin went up. Jezwin went up. How do you spell that? W-I-N-O-P-J-E-S-W-Y-N-N-E. Jezwin. Hey, guys, I got a summer job working in an office where I make some serious bank. Here's the problem. I'm from Canada and just recently turned 19, the legal drinking age. I binge drink three to four nights a week and show up to work hung over a lot. One day it was so bad that I puked five times at work. I was able to hide it well until my middle-aged coworker noticed and became worried. To cover up being hung over, I told her I might be allergic to something I ate and I thought that I might have food poisoning. She said that she

had read about young people being allergic to milk in the newspaper that morning and assumed that I was allergic to milk. Still being drunk from the night before, I was unable to think straight and just went along with it. She told the whole office and now everyone is convinced that I have a severe milk allergy, which I don't, and that the reason I was puking is the milk. Now everyone in the office keeps talking to me about dairy-free food items and I have to eat my yogurt in secret. I'm not sure if I should just come clean and admit I was hung over or live a lie for the rest of my life. Why? It's just the theme song for every specific problem. So this girl has a problem. That's a girl? Yeah. Did you name her? Oh, yeah. Oh, Jeswin is binge drinking? Look at you.

Three to four nights a week. You sexist? That can't be a girl? Well, Jeswin, you gotta get your... First, my first thought is you gotta get... You're just a kid. Oh, I just touched it. I fucked it up. Nope. Okay, good. You gotta get your act together. Yeah, you're a kid. You're just acting like a kid. No, but also, like, you know, look, alcoholism can start early. So just watch out. I'm serious. Be careful. Right. I mean, binge drinking four nights a week. It's too much. Especially, like, if she recognizes it as binge drinking, that must mean it's a fucking ton. Especially, like, I binge drink and I'm like, it's regular. This is fine. This is fine. And somebody else would be like, no, you binge drink. So she's, like, self-realizing that it's binge drinking. It's

probably really bad. Well, what's the solution to her problem right now? Should she say that she's been binge drinking? She said that she was allergic to milk. No. She struck gold. She said she's allergic to milk. Now everybody thinks that she has a milk allergy and she's not an alcoholic. This is a much better situation. She could say that she's getting over her milk allergy. But you should stop drinking and getting hammered when you come to work. That's such a silly thing to do. This isn't what I fucking asked about, Ben. Oh, I'm sorry. But here's the problem. Well, we're teaching you a lesson, a real lesson to make your life better. Well, we've got to figure out, guys,

what's our stance on the whole drinking issue? Because are we going to allow her to get away with her lie, or are we going to try and help her become a productive person in life? Right. I would say if you've got work binge drinking, vomiting at work is never good. If you're doing that multiple times a week, that's very bad. That's terrible. You can't have a steady job. You're pretty anti-alcohol, though, right? But you don't know. It's just a thing called motivation. You can't be motivated when you're binge drinking four nights a week. That's insane. I'm very turned off when I see someone very drunk.

Oh, yeah. Crazy drunk girls are not attractive. So she clearly has a drinking problem. She should address that. Take care of that issue first. I get it. You're young. You want a party, but you know, just... You're responsible. It's not cool to be throwing up at work, ever. And it's not good. It's not fun for anybody. I feel like... I've got to chime in here. I'm acting like old man, like children's though.

I've done it. I've been a bad boy, too. Right. But for four nights in a row, like throwing up at work, that's too much. That is too much. Way too much. I think it's time to like... It sounds like it's like a summer internship, right? So like, try exercising some responsibility and then you could binge drink when you're back to school. Yeah. You're 19. My God. Let this comedy of errors be a fun, whimsical,

very easy lesson for you to learn. As opposed to being like, you waking up in a hospital, paralyzed, being like... I drink too much, fill off a cliff. Oh, they touch this kind of... No, no, I'm allergic to milk. It's not that. Yeah, I'm not. It's right there. I just stop a cliff. Oh, is it illegal to drink milk and drive?

So don't drink. Stop drinking is the... Well, moderate your drinking. You don't have to stop drinking. It's illegal for her to drink. It's okay. Just don't moderate your drinking. It's only over that you're puking at work. But continue the ruse of milk. Yeah. I mean, you struck gold. That's good.

I would almost say, oh, I guess it's starting to wear off like some of that. Oh, the allergy is starting to wear off. Well, you can be lactose intolerant and lose that. Lose that. That doesn't stick with your whole life. Become more tolerant? You can become more tolerant of milk. You can be like, I think the side effects are just wearing down. Or say you're taking lactate.

Also, if it's a summer internship and she's about to leave in a little bit, then you could just get out of there. Yeah, your life's not over. Yeah, just fine. By the time you hear this, your internship is probably over. Yeah. Also, nobody in the office cares that you're allergic to milk beyond that one day when they found out. I think you're fine.

Yeah, they're not going to be like, yogurt? Wait, Samantha, you lied to us about yogurt. Jeswin. Jeswin. That wasn't a real name. Was it? Samantha was a real name. Oh my god, I'm so sorry, Sammy.

You guessed it. Last question? Now, last question. Let's do it. We need one last male name. My first name or last name? Your first name now. First name.

First name, first. Same as the firsts. First name is going to be, ooh, I got it. Liable. Liable? L-I-O-B-E-L. Liable. Liable.

Lionel, but with a B. Liable. Liable. Hey, man, it's me. Liable. Reamjob. So close. Liable Reamjob here.

Liable Reamjob writes, Hey guys, love the show. I'm about to graduate college and thus my GF and I have put an expiration date on our relationship. Since we both know it's going to end, I was wondering, on a scale of kill yourself at a Starbucks to hashtag dope, basically one to 10, how acceptable is it for me to cheat on her now? Thanks, guys. You rock.

Sorry to be one of the asshole dude listeners. Love. Liable. Liable. Liable. Reamjob. If you don't mind, I would say this. If you know you're going to cheat on your girlfriend, get out of the

relationship. If you know you're going to break up with her, if you 100% know you're going to break up with her, then just break up with her now. I don't understand what you're doing. I, yeah, I agree. Because here's the thing. Tell me. He may have that schnussey lined up.

The witch, I'm sorry. The schnussey. Schnussey on the side. What is schnussey? Reamjob loves a schnussey. Schnussey on the side is like what he's asking about. He's like, yo, essentially I got all this schnussey and I want to know if I can hit it when I'm still with my lady.

Hit the schnussey. And all you have to do is just go up to the lady and be like, hi, he's ending college? Yeah. That's why he should, he should just break up with her because like we're, cash in on all this like hookups that you could have now. Yeah. Just be like, sweetheart, unless you want to do an open relationship, I think maybe we should just.

If both of you have decided that it's over, then it's kind of over already. I agree. And I think there's something that's so much more fun to hook up and have sex and not have it be a terrible, ugly secret. And have guilt. You do not cheat on her. And then whatever your relationship was is now tainted and tarnished by this stupid thing you did to them at the last fucking couple of weeks.

That's true. You should have, you should be kind and if both of you guys agree or if it's the other way, and are you, are you staying together because there's that chance that maybe by the time you get to the end of school year, you're gonna be like, oh, you know what, maybe we should keep this going. Maybe we move in, but that's something different. If you think the relationship has legs and you love this girl and she loves you or whatever it is.

But if, if you're, if you're, if you're literally asking, I won't, I'm gonna cheat on this girl. You guys cool with that? I would say I'm not cool with that. You should have a discussion with that woman. By the way, maybe she has the same exact idea. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, you think that's why she put on the expiration date? I mean, if there's an expert, if you, if you're with somebody and you're like, hey, we're gonna break up in a couple months, just break up that second. Just break up immediately. Unless you think staying together will keep you, unless you feel like you're gonna get the thing you didn't have. Or I've had this situation where it's like, you know, there's an expiration date, so you're just going to enjoy it while you can because you know you're gonna get serious.

But you're still going to be like, I'm just going to enjoy it with this person because it's fun to be in. It's fun to be in love and have this little relationship. I guess, I think you could just say like, I want to stay close to you like up until we graduate, but I also want to like explore and do things that I didn't get to do while we were in a relationship. Why don't we hang out a little bit? I think there's two decisions.

And it's open. I think exactly what Thomas said is correct. There is joy in, if you're like, you know what, this is the last day. Let's fucking blow it out. Let's have fun. Let's be in love. It's that option. Or if you really think you're going to want to have sex with someone else, I mean,

maybe your gut is telling that you want to, but if you truly feel like you're going to hook up or have sex with somebody else and that's what you're inclined to do, then you 100% tell this woman who you just made a deal with. You're like, you know what, I'm having these thoughts. I should get out of this because I don't want to hurt you. And that would be right. You should make the relationship good or your hookups. That is exactly right.

You can't have both. You can't be like, all right, we're in a relationship and I'm going to hook up because then like your relationships suck and all of your hookups are ugly secrets. The only way to be an asshole in this situation is if you cheated on your girlfriend. So you're choosing to be an asshole if you do that. Here's a question for people that have cheated. Is it more exciting to hook up with a girl knowing you're in a relationship or is it worse? Do you ask that question because you feel like it is?

I think it might be. But that's more of a rush. If you hook up with someone, you're going out with someone. Yeah. I've never done it and I would be so anxious. I cheated on people all the time and there's never any... You're doing it right now. Holy shit, get off of me.

Sucking your nipple. Your B.O. nipple. There's like, no, there's nothing enjoyable about it at all. Sorry, the enjoyable part was like penetration and coming. But like there was never like enjoyable part. I think she does. The enjoyable part wasn't like... I'm getting away with it.

Yeah, this is illicit. Okay, this is an affair. Like that was the worst part. That was the only bad part. Yeah. The most wild run around times has been not so much in relationships, like hard relationships, just kind of like loose, ambiguous ones. And you don't feel guilt.

But when you're in a relationship and you stray, it's, you know, that's the thing that that's what you give up. You give up this, you give up guilt. You trade a sex for a guilt. Yeah. And guilt doesn't feel good at all. It doesn't feel good, especially when you know, like that person totally trusted you at that moment.

Oh, okay. You're just hurting someone that you're pretending you care about. Yeah, that thing that you kind of honored up and to that point is now gone, irreversibly so. Right. So I think as soon as you're asking for permission to cheat on someone, just break up with them. That was a real conversation we just had with no jokes.

Yeah. That never happens with the four of us. Sincerely, that was a real thing. All we needed was a little bit of sushi then. A little bit of sushi and now we're all a little tired and we don't want to do bits anymore. Well, we should explain that there was no actual cut in the episode. See if you could find it.

We did stop for a sushi dinner in the last 20 minutes of the show. Well, the microphone broke. The microphone broke so we had to stop. Yeah, yeah. And then we fixed it by me sitting next to Jake so close that he can smell me. I, yeah, and I'm just leaning away from you now. It's really, it's pungent. It really is.

I want to, I want to, we have to go soon, but I want to end. I think the opening theme song was one of the highlights and I kind of want to do a closing theme song. Sure, I wish we could hear that. Oh, yeah. Well, we need Jake to get his guitar. Sorry, buddy, to make you get it again. So how do the signing off themes, there can be any,

is there anything specific? No, no, no, just it's the same as the opening theme. So it's anything. I should say, yeah, if you have your own theme song or question, you can send it to ifirishow at gmail.com. All right, Ben Schwartz, Thomas Middleditch. Oh, thanks for having us on. Happy 100th episode.

I can't believe it. It just happened and it's here. That's crazy, by the way, 100 episodes. Yeah. This is way faster. Yeah, it's really passionate. No, no, keep it real. Okay.

Problems, I got them. Taking them in, they solve them. Questions, I've got them and answers I hear they solve them. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, you'd be me and I'd be you and he'd be we. This one's terrible. Yeah, this is, I don't want that video. That's terrible.

That'll just be for the podcast. That was good. Sorry, guys, the opening one was great. Closing one. I think we also ate, we're more tired. Yeah, those sushi related. I liked them both equally. Thanks, guys, for coming on.

Bye, guys. We'll be back for episode 101, which will be our last episode. I should have mentioned that. Yeah, 101 is the end. All right, thanks so much, guys. Bye, bye, bye, bye. It's Mike Catherwood. And this is Dr. Drew Weir from Loveline.

We're the world's longest running and best sounding advice show. Which happened till last year was only available on your radio if your station carried it. But now, you can listen to us when you want, when you want, where you want. Because every Loveline radio show is available as a podcast. Test and ship medical questions and hang out with cool people, like St. Jason and Jenny Big. Darrell Strawberry. Darrell Strawberry.

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