If I Were You - 102: Plane Crash

Episode Date: September 15, 2014

In this episode we discuss dirty texts, safe sex, and peace in the Middle East.This episode is brought to you Ting.com for lower cell phone bills, and Stamps.com for post office avoidance.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

You don't always have to ask questions, you don't always have to know the answer. Sometimes you just show up at the party and you let the, you go with the flow. Oh yeah, that's where that phrase comes from. It's a little song I made up, it's called Go With The Flow. Go with the flow. Go with the flow. Go with the flow. Go with the flow.

Go with the flow. Go with the flow. Go with the flow. Go with the flow. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I was 15, 18 years old and I'm 17. Am I too old for the party? If I go, should I go with a loner with friends?

Is that fine? I went to a party before and I saw a girl that I knew there and I just freaked out. So I sat down for an hour and a half and then my mom came and got me. I'm really looking forward to this party, tell me about your go. Go with the flow. Whoa. All right. You wrote that.

I think that was all me. I don't see how he inserted any of himself into that. All you for real? Yeah, I came up, that was all me. I got big, that was all me. No help actually, it was all me. All me for real. He auto-tuned your voice and made music.

No, I have perfect pitch. This has been discussed, it has been proven. Perfect pitch. The perfect pitch. That guy's name was Vood Vuzella, he has a YouTube channel. It's like Vood Vuzella, but there's a D, Vood Vuzella. Nice. A lot of talented artists out there with, here's a tip from me.

Don't make your name hard to pronounce. Vood Vuzella? Yeah, that's just hard. Nobody will know, 8 out of 10 people won't spell that correctly. What's the most famous band with a really hard to pronounce name or spell name? Well, think about really famous bands. Oh, I guess Beatles is kind of hard to pronounce because they spell it. But that's just one little joke.

Right. But like U2, that's great, it's a letter and a number. Coldplay, two really easy words. That's true. Nobody is Vood Vuzella. Nobody is whatever, like MusicSaf.com. Madonna, Beyonce. Yeah, these are off.

Beyonce's a little tough. Yeah, but it's quick and it's easy and it's painless. Okay. How about Jay-Z? That's impossible to spell. Because you have to spell out J and then just write the word letter Z. That's confusing. A lot of people will just write a J and write a Z.

Let's find two. Or J-A-Y-Z-E-E, no? It's J, like Blue J, and then Z, like World War Z. With a high fit. I don't know. Actually, get at me Jay-Z. I'm sure he always introduces himself to people as J, like Blue J, and Z, like, you know, World War Z, that movie.

Bradley Pitt. Bradley Pitt. So, this is welcome too. If I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. And anyone, I guess you host it. I'm sort of a guest. Yeah. I've been a guest on every episode except for one.

Yeah, this is your 101st episode. Love that. This is our first episode in a while without guests. We can finally fucking relax. I know. Without talking to other people and shit. I hate guests. I love you.

It's just us here. Yeah. Actually, there is a guest, but you didn't let him in. Kobe's outside. He's twiddling his thumbs on the fucking corner. He's jivelling a ball. He's actually pretty good at dribbling. Yeah.

He just went under. Kobe, keep up with that. He went under his legs. Did you see that? Yeah, he went under. He's going really low to the ground. Yeah. He kicked it.

He lost it across the street. Shit. He's running. It hit the curve, and it just sort of, it got away from him. Rolling down the whole entire hill, it's gaining speed. Oh. Oh, Kobe. Shit.

Shit. So how does it work? People are in dire need of our advice. So they'll email us at ifireushow at gmail.com. And yeah, I guess we answer those questions on this here program. New episodes every Monday. Really nice. Nice intro.

Sometimes Thursday. Sometimes very rarely. You're getting, you're losing it. Over explaining. So should we just get started? Yeah, we should have got started after you said we'd do our best to answer. Well, here's an interesting thing. This episode comes out after London, after our London show, but we're recording it before.

I wonder what's that trip we're doing. The world is different for us. Yeah, one of us is maybe dead. Both of us might be. Both of us. I mean, at least one of us probably will be. Here's the difference. One of us might be dead, two of us might be dead, or neither of us.

Yeah, of course. I don't know which one, I don't know which one it's going to be. But after the London show, either one of us, both of us are neither of us. Yeah. Probably neither, right? Dead and on. Yeah. Of course.

Yeah. I'll say those are definitely the better odds, but you never know. Yeah, it's true. Well, what do you think is the better odds, one of us dying or both of us? I feel like, I guess, just one of us. Yeah, because it would be like a singular event. Well, for whatever reason, I just imagined us both being in a car accident. Yeah, although if it's a flight accident, we took different planes to get to London.

Yeah, but not different planes to get to Berlin. That's true. And that's probably the one that will crash, because it's a smaller jetliner. Dude, if we go down, and if we are predicting it right now, that would be... Borderline, I hope we do die in a plane crash now. Because how fucking creepy would it be to hear us talking about it? Just fade out to this being played at our funeral. Can we say, well, who would put it online?

I would only have to be able to... I would only put it online after we get back. The worst would be if, yeah, if we had this conversation, we'd die, and nobody ever fucking finds out. It's trapped on this SD card in this Zoom H6 recorder that I have. And who's going to do that much research coming here? Sure, they'll have to clean out our house, right? Right, but nobody's going to play that. Yeah, nobody's going to... although, like, maybe, like, if my brother's like,

oh, this is probably where they record it. Maybe they have, like, some unrecorded podcast. And he tries for, like, two minutes to get it off, but he's like, oh, fuck it. It's actually too hard. He listens to the intro, and he's like, oh, he's over-explaining the intro. I'm not going to... Sometimes a Thursday doesn't... Oh, fuck it.

All right. Voodoo Zell is just refreshing our home page, wondering when his episode's going to come out. All right, enough dark talk. Mm-hmm. That was dark. Pitch black. Let's raise the... let's lighten the mood over here. Do you got a fake name for me?

These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Oh, let's do famous people who died in plane crashes. Oh, that's good. Buddy Holly. All right, Buddy Holly. Can we just say right now on record that if one of us dies, we should still release this? Yes.

Yeah. That's fair. You can be like, oh, he would have wanted it that way. Of course, nowadays as audio evidence of us saying that we would have wanted it that way. Which isn't to say that one of us is dead if you're listening to this. Right. Odds are, we're still alive, so don't worry. Odds are.

Yeah. All right. Buddy Holly writes, hey guys, so I have a dilemma and I wanted to get some advice. I've been seeing my... ooh, it's a woman. Um, Aliyah. Aliyah died in a plane crash? Yeah. Cool.

Aliyah writes. I see, baby. So I have a dilemma and I wanted to get some advice. I've been seeing my boyfriend now for a year. We text a lot because he works away at a job for two weeks at a time. Then he comes home for a week. In the beginning, when we text, I would always initiate the sexting. He would go along with it, but he never really put much into the conversation other than agreeing with what I said or saying he was excited for it to happen.

Since then, it somehow got turned into a pretty PG version of sexting, saying things like thing instead of naming an actual private part. Example, I can't wait for you to kiss my thing, meaning I can't wait for you to suck my dick. The thing is, you might say he may be young or nervous to say things like this, but he's not. He's 26 years old and he swears and talks pretty vulgar to his friends, so I know he can come up with a better word than thing. I feel weird being the one who always says dirty things if I don't really receive anything back. I'm not looking for him to go into disgusting detail. They're wildly inventive shit. Just something to get a little excited about.

Any advice would be appreciated. Love. Aliyah. Oh, shit. I sort of... I really need somebody. Tell me I need somebody. Boy, I've been sexting you for a long, long time. I've been sexting you from a plane in the sky.

Jesus Christ. Sorry. What's wrong with you? Yeah, I love Aliyah. I sort of commiserate with the guy here. I don't really like sexting. You don't like sexting? Yeah. What's your hang-up?

I guess I'm just... I don't know. It's very sincere and it's very... I don't know what... I feel like I'm too cynical to get into it. I'm like too much of a comedy asshole. You're like, oh, this is so... If somebody found it, it would be embarrassing, so I don't want to do it. It would be embarrassing that you got somebody off using your words. That's hot. That's good. Would you want somebody reading your sexts if they were successful?

Yeah, I mean, if I'm going back and forth with a girl and she's like, I want your huge cock and I'm like, I want your wet pussy. You'd let me read that? I don't think I would hand you my phone and look at these sexts, but yeah, I wouldn't be embarrassed. I mean, I think the embarrassing thing is if you're sexting somebody and she's like, hey, I'm at work, you have to stop. All right, a failed sext.

Yeah, I wouldn't want that, but like... It's sort of like somebody finding a shirtless picture I took on my phone. I'm a little embarrassed, but also I'm probably flexing and I got a really good angle, so I'm like, okay, oops, I look hot, sorry. Well, what if your dick is in it? Because that's sort of another equivalent. I mean, if I took the picture, then I did it because the dick looked good and I would be like, uh-oh, sorry, you saw my penis looking great.

See, I wouldn't want you to see a naked picture of me, even if I looked great. Well, I think the only failsafe, or the only protection against that stuff is to like, I look at sexting as like a writing exercise. Yeah, a creative writing exercise. I wouldn't necessarily, not as a comedy one, but like, so I wouldn't necessarily be like... Wait, what do you mean not comedy? Like, it's not funny. What are you talking about?

What's not funny? About sexting? About anything. I don't get that. Yeah, you're always on, always joking. Right. I'm sometimes... Serious and seer.

Yeah. It's tough for you, huh? Yeah, I live in a castle. You're a robot, but like a comedy robot. Yeah, comedy bot. You're a funny bot. Right, exactly. Like, everything is funny.

Right, I'm either having a good time and everything is funny, or I'm having a bad time and nothing is funny. It's never nothing is not funny. It's like, I'm having a good time and things are sexy, or I'm having a good time and things are like, deep and emotional. Yeah, yeah. That's not, that's never gonna happen. It's either funny or not for me.

Actually, I was gonna buy that domain name Funny or Die, actually, because that's sort of the way I live my life, but it was taken. So, what do you do if you're a girl and your guy doesn't want to sex you? I think that she should just like, keep on going full steam ahead. Save the things to him that you wish he would say. So, like, if he says kiss my thing, you would just respond like, oh, I want to put your whole thing in my mouth. I want to, like, I want to suck your dick or whatever.

You know, like, escalate it. Just keep on escalating and see where he matches you. Right. I think that, like, this is a weird experiment that's sort of related. Sometimes, if you're like, if you're talking to somebody on G-Chat or AIM, and like, nobody's using punctuation, if you start to use good punctuation, capitalizing your eyes, you know, possibly a period, you'll watch as they also start to do that.

And then you switch it back at them and suddenly they feel formal and out of place. But I just think that, like, people are... They play to the level of their competition. Yeah, by nature, we're energy matchers. Right. Not everybody is, but maybe I would at least... It's kind of weird to be like, hey, I want to have a conversation about sexting, but that's the next step.

I think the first step is just to, like, sort of passively try to escalate it yourself by, like, not feeling shy because of his text, but just, like, keep on heightening them and see where he matches. Because guys like sexting. I'm sure he likes hearing it from you. Maybe he just feels a little silly sending messages like Amir does. Right. You know what it does? It's the same shyness as public displays of affection.

Do you like that? I don't... It's not like I enjoy it, but I have no problem with it at all. You have no shyness about, like, making out with a lady friend at, like, a party. Right. See, that's embarrassing to me. To see you like that. I'm fine with it.

I'm heterophobic. Go to town with a guy, I don't care. I actually just hate seeing you happy. You're fine with PDA. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't think I would make out at a small get-together with all of my friends. At a dinner.

But, like, if I was with somebody, I would, like, grab their butt, the supermarket. Right, yeah. I would not do that. Oh. All right. I don't even pick my own wedges at a supermarket. I don't touch my ass in any way in public. It's so dirty.

Even in the shower, I will apply soap to the lower back of my body. Well, you shower with chinos on. That's right. Just because I think it's not chast to have your feet exposed. And you do wear a chastity belt. What is a chastity belt? I don't... Were they real, like, in medieval times, like, just a fucking...

Some... It was, like, a belt with a lock that you couldn't... So you couldn't have sex. Right. Is that a real thing? To keep you chast. I don't know. I just remember it was in, like, the Princess Bride or Robin Hood Medin tight.

I think it was. So the advice here is to keep doing it. Maybe wait until he's drunk. I feel like when you're drunk, you're a little looser, more likely to do it. Well, how does she know when he's drunk that she's away? Yeah, I don't know. Maybe tell him to start drinking. Send him beer.

Guys love brew. I fucking love beer. Dude's love beer. It's so good. Like a micro-brew or an ale? An APA. Or even an IPA. Any PA.

What the fuck is an APA? An American pale ale. Nice. I love pale ales. I love just dark amber box. I love a good heffa-wise, too, in addition to those ones. So, to be clear, I like beer. All right.

That's it? Yeah. All right. I need a name of a guy for this next question to call this guy. Because I don't want to use his real name, William Feller. Oh, shit. Is that his real name? No.

It's David Mitchell. Let's do Buddy Holly this time. All right. Buddy Holly. Oh, that's his real name. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. All right.

Buddy Holly writes, You do look just like Buddy Holly. And a little bit Mary Tyler Moore. She is your Mary Tyler Moore. I mean, I don't care. I don't care what they say about you guys. Anyway, I just don't care about that. Hey, oh, what do we do?

Don't look now, but I lost my shoe. I think it's weird. I don't know. I, in the strangest way, I sympathize with him, but he's also, like, he's also wrong. Yeah. So I'm wrong in my sympathy. Yeah. She, they're like actually at what?

There. It's not like she's a senior member of the Easter Island military. Yeah. She's not on the US Coast Guard. She really might not have time. She might be dealing with them shit. As of now. There are, well, there's a ceasefire.

Yeah. So I think. That'd be funny. I would text her just ceasefire question mark. Or do y'all just keep fighting during that shit? What do you do during the ceasefire? Because the first thing is in texture BF. He's just following the news for all the wrong reasons.

I just hope to God one day that peace in the Middle East that way Sahar will text you back more often. I just worry for her safety because at the end of the day I really want to text her. Just texting her. Hey, I heard there's, I heard there's some progress in your, in your peace talks. That's really awesome. Maybe now you'll have a little more time to text a little old me. And I'm happy that everybody is safe. And I'm happy that the country's not in turmoil at the moment.

And maybe now we could Skype or some shit. Yeah. Hey, what's that? What's going up on the military level? And speaking of WhatsApp, I noticed that you read my last one and you haven't. WhatsApp me back. The world is a very big place with huge conflicts. And this is just like, it's a perfect showcase of the smallest, smallest thing.

It's affecting you. And the biggest, biggest, something affecting like, having global, global reach. Yeah. Then this guy's phone. And then there's this white American guy. This birthright, your problems are, you just had a free trip to Israel. Your problems are small. I went on a free trip to Israel because it's my right, my birthright.

I got some good food, met a sexy Jewish woman. And now I don't live next to her. And when she texts me, it's infrequently because they're fricking countries at war. Yeah. You should be, I think you should be different. I think you're a terrorist for what you're doing. You're in Hezbollah for this. You're a Hamas operative, I think, as of now.

So what can you do? I guess take a chill pill. Think about how much good, how good you have it, sir. I also see that your email address is coming from a very fun party school. So you can have that to look forward to. You go to a party school. You're dealing with, your phone's not getting enough incoming texts, but your girlfriend is dealing with incoming missiles aimed at her and her loved ones.

So perspective, I guess. Missiles versus texts. They are sending and receiving missiles and rockets at each other. You are sending but not receiving text messages. I feel for you, dude. Things are good. Honestly. Things are good for a little old buddy Holly.

It's tough. It's a tough place to be. But I feel like you have to keep your best foot forward, be optimistic, and hopefully one day there will be a solution, some peace in that very... No, no, no. A solution and hopefully one day she'll be sending more texts. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, that would lead to more texts.

We don't care about the war. Just as a byproduct. Ideally, she'll be sending more texts and then hopefully some collateral good. Let's be real with them for a second. She just might not be texting them because she's not feeling it. I mean, the birthright is... I've never been on it, but that seems just sort of like a heightened time of emotion. Yeah.

And maybe people get swept up and now he's gone and she's like, well, I got my life here. I'm in the military. I got a promotion. This dude goes to Tulane or some equivalent. Our equivalent. Tulane or better. Yeah, here's the thing.

She's a sexy Israeli soldier, which is very fascinating sending for you. But her life is just filled with sexy Israeli soldiers. That's her status quo. Remember when we went to Israel and there was fucking hot girls on the beach with machine guns? Yeah. Because Israeli soldiers aren't allowed to leave their guns behind. And then also just all the girls are attracted and all the guys are also like tall, buff and bald. Right.

And the problem is... And then you cut... You walk in as a fucking... We said bald like it was a good thing in the last... Well, it's somehow they make it work. Tall, buff, bald. Yeah. They are, but in a good way somehow.

And shaved heads, I should say. Right. So... And then in comes you, this 19-year-old Jewish American. Israel is that all of the guys are aggressive. Yeah, they're like... They'll just go up and talk to anybody. They'll put their arms around someone and be like,

Hey, you should come home with me. We should talk. Let's talk. And Americans are just... Our game is being quirky and weird and awkward. Yeah, and making eyes at someone four times before finally being like, Hey, I guess we can't stop looking at each other. But like their thing is just like,

If a girl's not even looking at them, they'll just go up and take her from you. And make out with her. Yeah. But you had some success in Israel. Yeah. Well, I'm a fucking pimp. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? What? Huh? Huh? Huh? What? Huh? The Israeli, huh?

So... Relax and find an American woman. I don't know. Imagine you're in that position, though, and you are like texting with a dime of an... Have you ever just like been texting somebody that wasn't texting you back and they would text you more even though they live far away? Maybe not far away,

but like I have like texted girls and they don't text back. Yeah. I think the only thing we could say text wise is the more texts you send doesn't mean her sending you more texts. So you should have your texts be less and less. Yeah. If anything, they'll start to be like infrequent nice little surprises that distract her from the war she's fighting.

So then she'll maybe start to reach out to you when she's in a dark place because of the war she's fighting. Yeah. Because you're a nice little respite from the war that she's fighting. And try to remember that she's fighting a war. Yeah. And you're studying for a sociology midterm. And you're not even doing that good of a job.

But she's doing so much of a good job that she was promoted to a... What was it? Admiral. All right. Pretty good. Commander. Captain. Superhero.

Commander. No more. Make peace, not war. We need... Another female name. Do we have another female celebrity that died in a plane accident? There was... Wasn't there like a governor or something?

Like a politician that did? Are you going to look it up? You're the man who got... Well, I'm just going to look up famous women who died in plane crashes. So famous women who died in aviation. Oh, you know who? Oh, fuck. Amelia Earhart.

I let the record show that I, well, it's not like I got there myself, the aviation really put Amelia Earhart on the mind. Yeah, on the map. No one can confirm that she's dead. Amelia Earhart writes, Hello, my name is Amelia Earhart and I'm a senior in high school. I've come across a little dilemma with which I think you guys can help me out. This guy and I have become really great friends over the past few years, but started a few months ago, but starting a few months ago, he started acting a bit odd to say the least.

He began to tell me things that one would simply not tell another friend, especially a friend who is a girl, to name a few that he masturbates a lot, asking whether I masturbate or not, and that he thinks about me while masturbating. I've been trying to play it cool, so to speak, and try not to appear so super blunt about the fact that I don't want him to text me about things like that and change the subject, but the messages continue. Now, here comes the plot twist. He did the same thing to at least three of my other friends. I would stop texting them all together, but when we hang out, he's awesome.

Is it normal for a guy to do this? What should I do? Thanks. Amelia Earhart. Cool, this guy's a predator, right? Yeah, that's not a plot twist. That's just the plot. Yeah, the plot twist is sort of also just like something we'd expect from this guy. Not much of a twist, pretty boring story. It's a full 360 degree twist where everything is now facing in the correct direction yet again. He tells you that he masturbates to you, and then the plot twist is not that he does it to other girls.

The plot twist would be that he only did it to you. Right, this guy's a creep. That's gross. And you shouldn't feel bad about being blunt and telling him not to do that, especially if you don't want it. That's a fine thing to tell him to stop. For whatever reason, he's not feeling bad about telling you that he masturbates thinking about you, and that's something he should feel bad about. So, you go ahead and say gross, that's disgusting. Bad him. You're dumb and gross and mean and awful for saying that.

Yeah. I think it's okay that he masturbates thinking about whoever he wants. He's a free man. That's your right as a teenage boy. And I think, you know, maybe this behavior is happening because he's a sicko, and also because nobody has the balls to tell him that he's gross. That makes people feel uncomfortable. Yeah, so you should say, that's disgusting. You make me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that, and I'm not the only one. And then maybe he'll stop, or if you persist, then he definitely has a problem, and you should tell your parents. You know what it seems like? It seems like this guy is an older brother who is either fucking with him or told him, like, that's what girls like to hear.

It seems like a line that he's using, because girls like to hear that you masturbate about them. Well, I think, like, when you're in high school, it is, like, sort of, like, sexy, you know, this fucking weird way. Well, also, like, actually, fuck, masturbating is sexy when it's somebody that you want. So, like, if somebody liked me, and I said, I like you, I'm like, I get myself off thinking about being with you. Right. They could think that's hot, and if I liked somebody, if I was attracted to them, and they said, I came last night imagining us. I would be like, fuck yeah, that's great. But if, so maybe, like, there's something to him doing it because he thinks if it's reciprocated, then that's, like, his way in.

And, like, I would find it hot if an attractive girl was like, oh, I'm masturbating. What kind of girl would have to tell you that where you would be creeped out? None, no one. There is not one. Yeah, say for relatives, that would make me excited, regardless of who told you that. Right, of course. But if a guy did that to a girl, there is- I might even be a little fucking turned on if I heard a guy did it.

Really? Yeah, it's just sexy. The idea that I'm getting people off, woo, I love that. The tweets start rolling in, boys. And girls. And ladies. I'll take it. And gentlemen.

Hey, come on. That's nice. But I think that's, I'm different from the, like, it doesn't make me uncomfortable, it makes her uncomfortable, and she should not be shy about being like, No. You fuck. No. Stop it. Bad dog.

Stop it. Stop it. No. She hit him on the nose? A slash, a sharp- Hit him on the nose if it comes to blows, but it shouldn't really come to those. Nice. Thank you.

Hit him on the nose if it comes to blows, but it shouldn't really come to those in this scenario. Oh, that's the way it goes. So I think we're all in agreement here of telling him not to do that is okay. Yeah. That's probably the best slash only thing you can do. I mean, right now he's probably doing it because he hasn't gotten like, even though you're, you're like, you're still hanging out with him, you're still responding to his texts, even though you're dodging those ones. Yeah. I think he needs, I mean, fuck him.

He shouldn't, he shouldn't need it, but like, some kind of clear signal will either end the problem or show you that it's a serious problem and like, some more drastic action needs to be taken. He's going to keep doing it basically until someone tells him to stop. Yeah. And then also if he doesn't, if he keeps doing it past people telling him to stop, then he needs to go to jail. Yeah. At the very least get his phone taken away. You got it. The state took his phone.

Sorry, you don't know how to use this responsibly. God, that'd be great. Just that officer showing up like, hey, you need to give me your phone. What? Yeah. You're bad at using it. You make people feel sad. So give it to me.

How is that illegal? This is insane. This is a police state. Yep. Give it to me. Okay. Jesus Christ. All right.

Three questions in. Time for a break. Are you sure it was three? It was three, yeah. We got Amelia Earhart, we got Aliyah, and we got Buddy Holly. Time flies when you're in a sweltering fucking room. Yeah, it's hot in here. Let's take a quick break to thank one more sponsor, and then we'll come back and do our...

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Real break. We are back. We are back. I left. What? It's so fucking hot in here. I'm dripping with sweat. Do you see me?

You're sitting in the sun a little bit more than I am, right? Jesus Christ. Yesterday we were recording in a freezing room, which seems so preferable right now. It felt good when we got this house with the big solarium and all the glass windows. Didn't it feel nice? That seemed like a good idea at the time. And it's so hot. It's so hot in this room.

It's unusable most of the day. It makes sense. Thermodynamically that the room that's encased in glass that's not attached to many things is just baking in the sun. But it's still a little confusing why it's so much hotter and then also so much colder at night. Well, during the night we keep, it's got a lot of windows so I open up all the windows. But doesn't it feel colder in here than it does outside?

At night? Yeah. I don't know if it feels colder than it does outside. Maybe. But how does that happen? How can it be colder? That's like ice being colder than a freezer. See, this is why we have to have smart people on our show.

Yeah, that'd be fun. I'm only smart enough to ask questions. I'm not sure that makes you smart. That's how dumb you are. You don't get that that's smart. I'm dripping. And I'm never sweat. God damn it.

I'm melting. I'm getting mad for the first time ever. Whoa, you are melting. You're disappearing. You're wet. I'm here. No. You do die after this episode.

We're going to have a lot to talk about on these breaks once we travel the globe. Yeah, right now. Right now we're just fucking waiting. Yeah, dude. It's a waiting game. Waiting on the world to change. Do you want to just answer this last question over here? I guess so.

There's nothing going on in your life that you want to talk about? I'm just fucking getting amped, dude. Getting amped for the shows and experience that will have already happened by the time anyone listens to this. Yeah. All right. Question four, we need one last dude. Stan Rogers.

Who? Stan Rogers, one of the best folks in years of all time. Died in a plane crash. Yeah. Well, technically the plane had landed and was on fire and he died from smoke inhalation, but I'll call it a crash. Jesus. It's a plane accident.

I think I'm not 100% sure, so maybe I shouldn't even say it. But I think he stayed on the plane trying to help people. Oh, that's nice. We might as well make him a hero. Let's make him a hero. What songs did he sing this Stan Rogers guy? Some of his best songs are The Mary Ellen Carter. What's that?

Or maybe it's called Rise Again. It's either one you could search for. The Northwest Passage is a really good one. Barrett's Privateers. Have I heard of any of these? We play them in the car in Nantucket when you're, I think you've been there. Yeah. Oh, the year was 1778, how I wish I was in Sturbridge now.

You know that one? Stop me if you have. End if you haven't. Because I don't know any more of the words. Stan Rogers writes, Hey guys, love the show, but let's get down to business. I've been dating this girl for a couple weeks now and she's a total smoke show. Now, recently we had sex for the first time and here's where the trouble starts.

Before that I was a virgin and I expected to last for 30 to 45 seconds, but no. We fucked for half an hour and nothing. I didn't even finish. Some people say that this is a good thing, but it's the opposite. She's feeling bad because she thinks it's her fault and I'm left with blue balls. In conclusion, how can I get myself to come during sex? Love Stan Rogers. Well, jeez, I think if you do it once and you don't come, then you're fucked.

Yeah. Now we know the truth. You can't come during sex. Moving on. This is so unique. This is the opposite of most people's first experience problems. I think it's stage fright in a way and it works differently for everybody. Some people come too quick.

Some people can't come. I also think that if there's an ebb and a flow, sometimes you'll be quick. Sometimes you'll be long. Sometimes you won't come. Sometimes it'll be perfect and you guys will come together. It's just different. Is that what the Beatles song come together is about? I think you've talked about this on the podcast before.

No, it was off the podcast. When was it? We were talking to some people and you said coming together. And then I said, oh, is that what come together is about? Probably, right? Come together right now over me. Yeah, it's about John watching Yoko and Ringo fuck and he's underneath them. And they orgasm at the same time.

And he says, I want you guys to come together over me. Right now. Right now over me. Yeah. He's forcing the issue. He's got feet down below his knees. Got to be good looking because he's so hard to please. So I don't know.

What do you think is worse? Jizzing after one pump or not being able to come at all? I don't know. I think there's probably pros and cons to both. Jizzing after one pump, I mean, first of all, you could spin it as like, that's your virginity. I think that's almost to be expected. And you could say to that girl like, oh my God, you're so hot. You got me off so quick.

I'm sorry. And I think like the more you do it, the more it'll become normal and then you'll be able to last longer. And then if you aren't coming, then at least you could like try a bunch of fun, interesting positions. Just don't go at it really, really hard so everybody gets sore and tired, but you want to have like, if you're not going to come, you could have like a nice long, slow experience, which would be pretty sexy.

And you could definitely do things that are more pleasurable for her since you aren't ejaculating. What about this for an idea? Faking an orgasm. Have you ever done that? Yeah. So you can last as long as you want because you're immune to it. And then as soon as the other party is orgasming, you just say you are.

Right. That feels great. You've done that. Yeah. That feels great? Oh no, for her. Right. Yeah.

So you'll like, oh this person's, you're like, you're going to come and then you say me too and then you fake it. Yeah. What do you look like when you're faking an orgasm? Probably the same thing I look like when I'm actually orgasming. And then what do you do? You just like take the condom and you hide it? Well, I roll off or the other way around.

And then I'm like, oh, I'm going to take this off. And I go to the bathroom, which is true either way. Right. I guess. I should come to think about it. I've never actually orgasmed. Holy shit. You're this guy.

It's all been fake. Like that's only a quick fix to the problem of her insecurity. Like you say, I came and then she's like happy, but you didn't come. So you're not exactly, you haven't found that release and also it's very pleasurable to come with somebody. Certainly. Certainly. Certainly.

It's a short term solution, but it is a solution to be sure. I think you should think about things that make you really turned on. Yeah. Like you're not at all or your grandfather eating a sandwich. Well, I'm just saying it like maybe him on top. He's like pumping away and he can't exactly come because it's like all of his, his biceps are engaged and he's sort of in a plank position and it's like, I can't come because I'm thinking about coming too much.

And maybe if you just lie on your back and she rides you, then you can come that way. Mom, you can keep listening. This is pretty PG. Wouldn't you say? Yeah. Because you're not talking about yourself specifically. And so I'm just, and this is good advice for anybody who's like, I think that you could just try to relax during sex.

Of course. Do things, try different positions that you both find pleasurable and that you're not straining yourself and stressing out. And if that doesn't work, fake an orgasm. Well, you can fake an orgasm until you figure out how to have a real one. But I think you'll just still get yourself worked up. I think it'll happen. There's condoms that quote, make you last longer and it has like a numbing agent.

Is there the opposite of that where like something gives you, like something makes it even more sensitive down there? There's definitely ones that have like warming agents, but I don't find those to be sexy. I think the best thing you could do is get like the ultra thin. Try to like, you try to make the feel, the experience feel as natural as possible. You don't want to get like, I've heard of people getting ribbed condoms and then turning them inside out. Oh dear.

And so like the ridges are going against your penis, which might feel good. That's good. That's like fucking an accordion. I've done that. Yeah. You have, I actually watched you do it. Yeah. Reever.

Reever. Reever. The masturbating thing about accordions. What else does that have? Oh yeah. Only use a condom at the last possible second. Right. Because everything else you can-

That's not a good thing to advocate. Right. Well, I'm, oh no, no, no, no. Before penetration. Oh. So like do as much as you can before penetration. Right. And during foreplay.

Lead your horse to water as far as it can possibly go. And then use a condom. Right. So that's another tip. Another tip, yes. But when I said that, you immediately thought of fucking without a condom. Right. Which is my real advice.

Yeah. Which I can't say. Which I can't say. Mom stop listening. Fucking without a condom dog. Woo. Right on that shit. Well here, let's say this is bad advice.

So what should you not do, Jake? I would not fuck her without a condom. Because? Because that's not, because even though it would feel the best. Of course. And you would enjoy the most sensitivity. Yeah. And it would be hot and make you want to come.

And then you could potentially pull out, which if you do it at the right time, is about 98% effective just as much as a condom. However. There's the risk of not pulling out in time. Sure. And if you think you might not be able to do that. That's what I'm saying. You should definitely wear a condom.

Yeah. Though pulling out would be another type of. Bad option. Bad option. That wouldn't work. Yeah. So that's the advice that we don't have. Because it's not safe.

There you go. To give it. Which is why we didn't even give it. I didn't. We told you not to do that. We have to present them all the options. Exactly. Of things not to do.

Yeah. So don't do that one. So don't do it. You can't see us winking because it's an audio podcast. And we're not winking. Exactly. So it doesn't matter. All right.

We're out of time. Fuck it. Thanks. Yo, fuck it. We recorded the whole thing. I finally said fuck it because I was done. If you have your own questions or own theme song submissions, please send them over to IfIReuseShow at gmail.com.

We're also still taking thumbnail submissions. That first opening theme song was from Vood Vuzella. And this last one is from John Taylor. See, that's one that's simple to pronounce. That's cool, of course, than Vood Vuzella. But at the very least, John Taylor. John Taylor, pretty good. Yeah.

Thanks for listening, guys. We'll be back soon. Bye. Sometimes in life, you find yourself in these sticky situations. And when that happens, there's only one thing you can really do. Here it goes. Keep listening to your show. Listening to your show.

I really don't want the world to know. So I'll email if I were your show. At gmail.com. Don't you give Vue Jake enemy badges on my keyboard. I found some gardener, my dick is sore. I really don't want the world to know. So I'll write to if I were your show. I accidentally killed my neighbor's friend.

They are not back from their vacation yet. My mom was setting up my lap and I got fucking hot. Cause they thought it enough for him. And my shitty car will help me rage out of this storm. And they'll keep listening to your show. Listening to your show. I really don't want the world to know. So I'll email if I were your show.

At gmail.com. At gmail.com. If I were your show. At gmail.com. If I were your show. At gmail.com. Toadah. Be safe.

Stay in my fucking cabin. Hey everybody, it's Nicole Polizzi but you may know me as Snookie from MTV's Jersey Shore. I totally feel like Snookie doesn't exist anymore. So I want you guys to get to know Nicole. Download my new podcast Naturally Nicole at PodcastOne.com. A lot has changed in my life, with becoming a mother, getting married, losing weight, being fit. So be a part of my new fantastic, fabulous world.

Download Naturally Nicole every Tuesday at Podcast1.com. That's PodcastONE.com.