If I Were You - 103: Psychic (Live from Manchester!)

Episode Date: September 22, 2014

We discuss street artists, house gifts, and sleeping with somebody you hate. Recorded at The Lowry in Manchester, UK!This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com and Brooklyn 99 on Fox!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you, shout that out. Whoa, strong guy. Everybody here is buff, even us. Oh, especially that guy. I thought I was really, I was like scared for a second. You were gonna grab me and pull me into the audience. What you could have? Yeah, you could have just grabbed me and tossed me over the guy.

Yeah, you're a kite to him. You're a kite. A kite? Tight, kite. What did you say first? Kite. I was very explicit to say you were a kite. To him?

To him. You said you're a kite. Yeah, K-I-T-E, kite. Kite. To him. Okay. Manchester, England. This is very exciting.

We've boo. To Manchester? Where are you from? Everybody laughed when you said Scotland. So boo you. No. Oh wait, is that the guy that could beat us up? I don't know.

If so, I'm from Scotland. Sir. Oh no, that wasn't him, okay. Actually, anybody here can beat me up, so it doesn't matter. The answer is yes. You've been working out. Yeah. You look good.

Thanks, dude. Show everybody your muscle. I don't know. Come on, buddy. Come on. Come on, muscle. That's really strong. That's pretty good.

If you're listening at home, I just took my dick out. Yeah. If you give it a peer pressure, show everyone your peep, huh? My wife, show everyone your little peaty. Come on. For those of you listening at home, I took my dick out again. So that's two dick outs. Put my dick out of muscle.

Yeah. Wow, guys, who here has never heard this podcast before? Why are you here? Who dragged you? Who drugged you? Drugged and dragged. So your friend Chris was like, dude, you are not going to believe this. These guys talk.

Into microphones, though. Can I have 20 pounds? That's what Chris said. Chris. Or did you buy him a ticket? He paid. Oh, so you just invited your richest friend. You're the best friend ever.

He paid for everybody here, actually. Really? He paid for this risky. Very toadah. Thank you. Toadah rabah. Manchesterians. Manchesters.

Manchesters it is. Wait, you guys all said monkeys? Is that what you said? You're going to get your ass kicked. Manchurian? Manchurian. Manchurian. Oh, like the Manchurian candidate.

Nice. And I haven't even had any whiskey yet. That was a sober joke. And a sobering joke. Toadah. Let's talk about it, guys. Salute. Thank you.

Oh, man. We're excited. This is fun. This is nice. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Yes. So how does this podcast work, Chris? You've never been here before.

Let me explain it to you. Oh, shit. I'm Richard. He's Chris. You fucking ass. You idiot. You little kite. Don't you know all of our names?

You little kite Jew. Wait a minute. That second part was definitely anti-Semitic. It's an advice podcast is what we do. And, basically, Jake and I receive emails from people who are in sticky situations, and they need our advice. We don't know why, but we're happy to give it. Sometimes it's just us two alone in our living room,

and sometimes it's in front of 200 Manchidians who, uh, and some Scots. And some Scots. They all bum rush the stage. We are below everybody. The stage is lower than every seat. Yeah. That's rare, right?

I don't know. I've never, I don't know. Yeah, sure. Of course it's rare. You're right. No, it's not. I do whatever the Scotsman says. He's on a horse.

You tell me what to say and think, sir. Oh, my God. How did you bring a horse here? Uh, yeah, I don't know what else to say. That's essentially it. Has anybody here emailed the show before? Has anybody here had a question that we answered on the show before? This one!

One? Wait, someone? Yeah. Really? Yeah. What was the question? Oh, shit. Which one?

Uh... It was in the second show. The second show? It was the guy who went on holiday with his friend who he liked. What was her ex-boyfriend? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God! Wait, get up there!

Come up! Please! You have to come down. Come down. Everybody who's friends... This is episode two? This guy was on episode two! It was on day one, dog!

He's an original. Sir! Welcome! Join the show. You were probably one of the first questions we ever answered. So what was the question again? You went on vacation? Vacation with a girl I liked.

And she was going with her ex-boyfriend and invited me as well. So you were invited with a girl you like and her ex-boyfriend on vacation. At that time, I remember the question. Our advice was to not go? You said not to go or not to go and act upon my... We told you not to act upon your desires. And what happened? I did not act upon them until after the vacation.

And did it work? It worked for a very short amount of time. That's great! Come here! Hey! Make dreams come true, baby! I'll take short amount of time any day of the week, brother. What's your name?

Thank you. What fake name did we give you? Professor Von Strasenberg. Be grudgingly as he walks away. I don't know. Fucking Professor Von Strasenberg. He hates Austrians. I love that he was wearing a Seize the Cheese T-shirt.

A little wrinkly, actually. He didn't seize the iron. Nice, dude. You did the fuck off with that. Fuck off with you! You did me a true insanity! Pure insanity! That was nice.

We're going to be in dicks about jokes all night. It's really dangerous. Alright, let's switch it up. So, yeah. Richard. People write in. They are in a difficult place. And we give these real emails, some real people fake names,

to preserve their anonymity. And then we come to their hometown and ask them to stand... And they call them out. And everyone took a picture of Professor Von Strasenberg, right? Great. His identity is leaked. There we go. So, should we get this party started?

I'm ready. Has my Scots been ready? Yes! Awesome. They all know, but so loudly, that they must have been ready. Okay. First name. First question.

We need a first name. Tom Callum. Whoa. Dennis! I picked out Tom, Callum and Schmuel. So, let's do all three. Tom Callum Schmuel. Tom Callum Schmuel writes,

Hey guys, been dating this girl in British Columbia for a while now. Like six months. And just recently, she came home and bam! I don't know where she breaks up with me. After a couple days, sleeping on a friend's couch, I talked to her friend and she says she visited a psychic who told her to break up with me. Can you believe that shit?

A different friend of mine told me his friend is a psychic and is willing to convince her to come back to me. So, my question is, should I get this person to pretend to see her future? Some shit. So, she comes back, try and talk to her on my own, or just peace out on this psycho. Any help would be appreciated. Love, Tom is Callum Schmuel.

That's really interesting predicament. That is a sitcom. I want to write that, I guess, is a story. That's the pilot of Dharma and Grey. I don't know if they didn't have that show here, but that joke was just for Amir. Yeah, and I only sort of liked it. You laughed.

I giggled. What dare you? It was more than a giggle. It was a guffaw. It was an of course of guffaw. No, I did not guffaw. Would anyone call that a giggle or a chortle, or would you say that was a guffaw?

A guffaw. Thank you. A guffaw. I know, Scotsman. Scotsman has his hands. What was it? What would you say? Scotsman.

Yes. It was a Scotsman. Scotsman. It was more than a guffaw. Yeah, you straight up Scotsman just now. So should this guy hire a reverse psychic to tell his ex-girlfriend to get back together with her? First of all, do psychics tell you to break up with your boyfriend?

Don't they just sort of predict the future? Can they be like, you're going to like, she was just guessing. Maybe the psychic didn't give you like explicit information, but she just said, there's some bad shit afoot in your current love life. Do with that information. All right, I have a decision to make. Let me at least get a second opinion. She opens a fortune cookie.

The interesting thing though is that this guy then knew a psychic who could easily be bought like, yeah, I'll tell her to get back together with you. Because it's not real. Of course. Right? So like you don't even need to know a psychic. You can just know a guy. You can know an actor.

Yeah, just anyone. Not even an actor. Just a guy who's willing to buy a bandana, I think. A bandana crystal ball, that's it. Oh, no, tarot card. Have you ever gotten your tarot red or your palms red? Yeah, I did once. And?

Um, she actually predicted me and my girlfriend at the time we're going to get married and have twins. How'd that work out? Well, my future's not totally told yet. I don't know. Maybe I'll get back together with my girlfriend when I was 18 and we might have twins. That's a huge leap.

Usually they keep it. Becky, if you're listening, I think the twins need us. We were on the Jersey Shore and, uh, yeah, we were told that we were going to have twins and I don't know. I think maybe it's fucking crazy to go back to her. Of course. That wasn't even a person, that wasn't even a fortune teller. You just talked to a hobo.

No, it was a carny. Yeah, yeah. He said, you're not going to have twins. You mean that, sir? I don't know. I'm drunk. I love her. Uh, I think I might not only not want to get back together with her.

I would say if she takes a psychics word for anything, this girl's not, you should break up with her. Or unless this guy's like really manipulative, then he could be like, you could just use this to his advantage all the time. Yeah. Especially if he's got a psychic in his pocket. Yeah. Like he can convince her to get back and blow him every day.

Yeah. That's your fortune. That's your dream girl, right? Yeah. Somebody blows you every day. On a daily basis, a girl that, she blows me. Not away, but my dick. Girl who blows your penis.

Yeah. Like during the day, during the daytime. Yeah, it has to be during the day. That's what I meant by every day. Otherwise I'd say every night. After work, before work, during work, after work, whatever, as long as it's still daylight. She's a vampire, so it has to happen indoors.

That's, so it sounds like your advice is to let this crazy person go away. Psychics are not real. They are unfortunately actual people that try to, they're one level, I'd say one half level above a beggar. They're a beggar who said, you know what, I'd like to tell people shit for money. So like a street performer is tops. Yeah.

That's the ultimate. I don't have any money, but I got a talent. Yeah. And I can juggle. At the very least, I can spray paint myself silver. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm great at standing still for a long time.

That's actually what didn't get me a job in the first place. And then I spray painted myself silver. I started earning money. Yeah. So I would do the same exact thing, just stand around. Yeah. But then silver. Yeah.

And now I have money. So it's performer tops, silver, we'll call him the queen. And then the jack would be, the jack is, wait, so bottom, bottom is a beggar, beggar. That's just, that's guy who's not even doing anything. Yeah, he's asking. He didn't even make a sign. It's just like, can I have money?

Yeah. At least get cardboard. Yeah. At least get like a market. You're embarrassing yourself. You say as you count cash in front of him and walk away. Oh, no, not for you. I'm giving it to this silver man.

Yeah. See how still he is? He's a robot, I think. And then if you split the difference, between silver and sign guy, you got a fortune teller. Because he's like, I will keep you engaged. I'm going to tell you lies. Yeah.

But hey, at least it's a story. You think about it over the guys that are saying, hey, this is money for my family because it's not that. Yeah. It's always money for her. So they buy a tarot card and they lay it out in front of you. I've gotten my fortune read and they're like, and I'm like, whoa, a death card.

And I'm like, that's actually not bad. Right. Because it's like the death of something bad. Is it really rude for like the liar who is the fortune teller to tell you bad news? Yeah. They've dedicated their life to lying. And then they say, I'm going to lie,

but I'm going to tell people bad news. Yeah. That's so rude. They should be like $5. Sorry, pounds. Five pounds. I will tell your fortune for 10. I'll give you only good news.

That sounds like a really good deal. Shit. Maybe I'll paint myself silver. Sorry, I'm thinking two steps behind. You make pretty good money doing this. It's OK. Did you get paid for it tonight? No.

I split my money with the Scotsman. Very well then. So could you date someone who believed in psychic tree? Yeah, definitely. Why? Aren't they stupid? I could date a stupid person. Watch me.

I'm pretty dumb myself actually. It actually works out very well. I don't know if you know, I paid good money to have my fortune read on the Jersey Shore. But imagine believing it. At the time I did. You're an idiot. I know.

So what is your advice for this guy? Keep the dream alive, maybe she's worth keeping? I think you could do it without the ruse of the psychic. I feel like you could go and just be like, let's prove this psychic wrong, baby. If you're saying that, no, that's not a good place to be in your life. It elicited some laughter that I wasn't expecting.

I thought I was making a good point and that people laughed. Let's prove this psychic wrong, baby. To deliver your opinion. You deliver your opinion and it's met with laughter. That's eye-opening. It doesn't just hurt. It stinks. Two options.

One, she actually believes the psychic and isn't worth your time as a normal. Two, she just used the psychic as a ruse to get out of the relationship. You don't want her anyway. Either way. Move on. Yeah, moveon.org. Move on. We say move on?

Move on. Move on. So it is decreed. Move on. Number one. What? That guy's peeing. All right, we're one question in and we've broken up a relationship.

Great. Love it. Let's do it. Let's keep the dream alive, man. Okay. Let's keep breaking them up. Ooh, we need another guy's name. I heard Adam Oliver and then what did you say?

Adam Oliver Hamish. Hamish Adam Oliver, actually. Oh, thank you. I like that. Adam Oliver Hamish writes. How dare you? I recently matched with a fairly good-looking girl on Tinder. I hate that.

I hate that. He's so grating. Grating, not great. Great. Yeah. It's so great, Ying. Ting. Richard, you understand what that was, right?

He's so confused. You have no clue what just happened. Yeah. We said something weird about women and then everybody honked like a goose. So the weird thing is that you pinch and honk like a goose. Yeah. Pinch like a crab or lobster, then you honk like a goose. Imagine what went on.

I don't know what. It's easy to understand. Yeah. All you have to do is spend 102 hours of your life and you listen and it explains why everyone does that. All right. Hamish Adam Oliver writes. I just recently matched with a fairly good-looking girl on Tinder.

Banter is great and we have a lot in common. We are planning to meet up this weekend in the city. Fingers crossed, all goes well. Sorry. Banter is great. Yeah. I thought I said banter, all was great. Oh, yeah.

He did not bang her. Banter is great. It is great. I'm sorry. All right. We are planning on meeting up in the city. Fingers crossed, all goes well. However, while we were talking during the week, she seemed to get extremely jealous and angry

that I had other female friends and it seems like she thinks we're already in a committed relationship. She has taken it upon herself to call me pet names, invite me to a family dinner next week and it's even gone to the extent where she has already planned a Christmas gift for me. As I'm not looking for anything serious, but I could get lucky, my question is whether or not I should, my question is whether or not I should avoid this entire situation or take the opportunity that is in front of me and let my future self deal with the consequences. Thanks.

Any help you can provide would be great. Love. Adam Hamish Oliver. Adam Oliver Hamish. Sure. Adam Hamish. Adam Oliver Hamish. So, you didn't get lucky.

No one, this isn't getting lucky, right? Well, he wants to get lucky. He's not, it wouldn't, to have sex with her would be a curse. This coming from you? Yeah. This coming from a guy who said the best way to get back at someone is to fuck them. I didn't, I said, the hands are convincing me. I said, would you fuck someone you hate?

You said, I exclusively fuck people I hate. I only fuck people I hate, but like, she is, shit. Let's say, let's say, how much can you disconnect yourself from the terrible person and just have sex with this bag of fucking shit. But it's not that she's a terrible person, I could fuck a terrible person, she's like an insane person. I don't think I fuck crazy. I think we've talked, I think I've said this before, I don't think you have sex with crazy.

You don't fuck crazy. You don't fuck with crazy, you don't fuck crazy, you don't fuck with fucking crazy, you don't fucking fuck on fucking crazy. I don't think you do it. But it is funny how much she's willing to, like, she could be so bad, but just the promise of sex makes it, ah, I can't not do it. How dry is his spell? Yeah, he just has to try at the very least.

I mean, she's already crazy, maybe he can have sex and then she's equally crazy and then the only thing that changed is the sex, so you might as well go for it. So you're saying go for it? I'm saying, if I were you, I wouldn't. But if you were him, I think you would. Would you have sex with an annoying person? There's a difference between would I and have I. I wouldn't, but I have every time.

But I would never do that. But I've done it, always and exclusively. But I mean, no, I wouldn't do that. Though every time the opportunity is presented itself, I think I have. Which is why my advice should really resound with him, don't you think? Yeah, you don't be like me, you're saying. Do as I don't do. I don't know, because I'm also pretty happy.

Oh, that's it, fuck her. Because then you'll be happy. Then you'll be happy, you will feel good when you come. And then if you can disassociate yourself with her feelings afterwards. Which is real easy. Because you'll find somebody else. Yeah, you just distract yourself with somebody else. And if there's nobody else, you distract yourself with yourself.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck a terrible person, please. I masturbate all the time. Yes. How do I masturbate with this? This claw. Ow, ow. I did see you in the hotel room earlier using a lobster trying to figure it out.

Yeah, it was actually jerking off with a crustacean. Yeah. If you can imagine. A crusty Asian. No. That's what we call them. Oh. I, not you said we, how dare you lump me into that.

So if I were you, would you? If I were you, you have. Yeah, I'm trying to think of like when, I think you can do it once. I think you can have sex with her. Because with this, this is, she's kind of, this is what she, she's done. She's already jealous and angry. They haven't met. Right.

But what's, what's happening is that she's showing her hand a little bit. So he's getting nervous. He's like, oh man, I can see what will happen next. If I go through with this, she'll be really attached. But that's okay. You sort of just know what's going to happen. This means he knows how to play it. So he can do it.

So what's going to happen? They have sex with that. And even enjoy then what? She's already ordering, I guess, another Christmas gift at this point. When you say, baby, I, I'm so sorry. This, it meant so much to me, but I can't be the man you need me to be right now. But I already got you. I can't be home for Christmas.

I don't want to lose my friends. And then you, then you give her that like, that really nice honest guy thing. And then she's like, honest guy, right? Fake. Fake. Oh, never real. Yeah. Never real.

Well, me saying never be real is the realest I've ever been. Yeah. But yeah, then you, then you can slowly back out, you bow out apologizing and then she hates you for a little bit, but then ultimately respects your honesty and then you're okay. What honesty? You just said not actual. Well, not real honesty. She respects your seemingly honest voice with a capital semen.

Yeah. Glee. Uh, so I don't know, it's kind of, it's a tough call. Should we, should we ask the audience? Yeah. That sounds nice. Round of applause for yes, boning her. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. I like the geese noises. A round of applause for no, stay away. You know what it is? The people that say stay away are like the normal people that refuse to be too loud. Yeah, yeah. Just like, yeah.

The people that are just like casually politely and then like the, the nose are just like eight really loud drunk guys. So maybe a volume doesn't really do the trick. But yeah, it's a toss up. It's a 50-50. We have two different bits of advice. Have we ever, are we just moving on? I say, I say fuck her, you say don't.

Yeah. I'm the angel on her shoulder and you're the devil. Yeah. Oh, there we go. Is it the next question? Richard the third. Who's in the third? Is it a...

Oh. Girl's name. Women? Women? Female. Female. Female. Female.

Female. What is it? Dorf? Dorf? Who's name is Dorf? Dorf? Dorf? Dorf?

Dorf? Dorf? Dorf? Dorf? Dorf? Dorf? Dorf? Dorf?

Dorf? I feel like we should ask her a girl for her name. Clara. A guy just yelled Helen. That was a girl, you asshole. Huh? Jenny. Joyce.

I heard Joyce and then it was echoed by a dude. Joyce Dorf? Do you want to... Yeah, sure. Joyce, Joyce Dorf writes. JD. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up in November last year. About 11 months after about 11 months of dating.

It was a mutual thing and I saw it coming. I've been doing okay since then. A one night stand here or there. But nothing serious, that's right. Anyway, I recently found out my ex is dating someone I know. I'm not sad about it. More just annoyed that he's got a serious thing going on first. Anyway, I saw a photo of them pop up on Facebook

and in a fit of rage, I unfriended him. Now I feel kind of petty for unfriending him, but there is no way back. If I send a friend request, it would be obvious. Also, I wonder if he looks at my profile now and then sees that I've unfriended him. Would that make him upset? Am I a nice person?

That I don't want to have him move on? Anyway, I'm just wondering what your opinions are on unfriending exes on Facebook. Appropriate and consider it. Consider it somewhere in between. I just don't know. Love Jamie. Jamie?

You know, a Joyce Dorf. She actually wrote that in the email. Yeah. Joyce Dorf. What's her name, Jamie? No. All right, great. I thought her name was Jamie, but it was Joyce.

Joyce Dorf. Love Joyce Dorf? Joyce Dorf. Great. She broke up with her boyfriend, unfriended him on Facebook. It's not like a fit of rage. I unfriended him. Yeah.

I went blind. I only saw white light and I was so pissed and I clicked a button. But she clicked it really hard. That's not rage. Her mouse is broken. I couldn't fucking help it, man. It was a crime of passion.

Yeah. That's how sweet she is. And now she's like, oh my God, we're acting with guilt. What should I do? She's not sweet. She's neurotic. How dare you. Joyce is my type of girl.

Would you ever unfriend a girl? You go ahead. You go first. Would you ever unfriend a girl? You're always asking me shit. Yeah. You're always asking me shit. I guess the problem is that you never ask it back.

No. Sorry, I just got mad. What's your opinion? Actually, here's mine. I feel like unfriending someone is giving them more attention than keeping them as a friend. If you really don't care, you just keep them as a friend. Whatever you see them, you can block them from your timeline without unfriending them. That being said, she already unfriended him.

Don't re-friend him. It's too late. That ship has passed. That ship has sailed? Yeah. What do you guys know? She probably is still into him slash kind of obsessed with him because this thing is kind of freaking her out. So I would say keep him unfriended.

The damage is done. Oh, dear. And yeah, keep living your life. And I think the fact that he got into a relationship first means he lost because she's still living the good life. Living the good life. Being single is living the good life? Yeah, I think so. Is anybody here in a relationship and happy?

Yeah! Is anybody here single and happy? Yeah! Is anyone here in a relationship and miserable? Yeah! Two people exactly at the same time? That guy's here on a date with his girlfriend. But they're not dating each other is the sad part.

Right. Those two people. Is anybody in here single and miserable? Yeah! Pretty telling. Yeah. So people tend to be happy or sad. That's nice.

People tend to be happy or sad in a single or in a relationship. But I feel like getting back into a relationship isn't winning. He's not winning. He's not doing better than you because he's back in a relationship. Well, there's no winning or losing. It's just... Yes, there is. Everything is a game, a score, a competition.

And this girl's losing, unfortunately. She's at negative one. You said she was winning. I know, but then she unfriended him. I gotta penalize that. That's a bad... It's a tie. It's a tie for sure.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. She doesn't need to be friends with her ex. No. He definitely didn't notice. I don't think I've ever, like, gone through anybody on Facebook and be like, Is this person my friend? And that being said, if he does notice, he can't say anything about it ever. You do this shit.

You look to see if girls follow you on Instagram. Oh, there you go. I'm sorry, I don't want to put you on a Manchurian blast. Yeah, that's exactly what this is. You'll do that. I will check if somebody is still following you or somebody has ever followed me. It's both true. Have you ever not checked if somebody was following you on Instagram?

I don't think so. Bullshit. This is that fake honesty you were talking about earlier. With, like, an ex-girlfriend to see if my ex was still following me on Instagram. I didn't say it was an ex. It was just if a lady was following me. If a girl I liked was following me on Instagram. I don't think so.

We have one liar on the stage. Have any of you guys ever checked to see if a significant lady or guy in your life was following you on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook? That's no. There's not a lot of yeses in the audience. No, that was rare. That was very neurotic of you. Has anybody ever just, or have you guys just ignored that fact, never checked at all? Is that average?

See, they're just silent. What about just unfollowing an ex on any form of social media? Do people do that? I think if you do that, you got to do it right away. You can't do it 11 months later. It's okay to do it in a fit of rage. I think she shouldn't be freaking out about it now. It's over.

She did it. She should have done it when they first broke up. It's just like you throw away the pictures. It's now or never. Because then he's like, oh, she unfriended me 11 months later. She's still thinking about me. It's uncouthed. It's on ladylike.

Yeah. What? Excuse me? It's uncouthed to what? To a de-friend. Just keep friends and you can ignore it. I think it's okay to unfriend. Because like you've done the real life version of that.

I unfriend you to your face. We break up. I'm no longer your friend. I'm no longer your girlfriend. But 11 months later? 11 months later, then she's still thinking about it a little too much. But she should have done it right away. I think that there's a clean break in the beginning.

That's what you do. You know what she can do is unfriend like 100 people. Because then he's like, oh, it's just part of a mass wave. If you'll just unfriend one person. You wouldn't notice if she unfriended 100 people? He should. What? Don't you take tabs on how many people your ex-girlfriend are following?

Round of applause. You carry a notebook everywhere. I'd love to see it. You can't just call for a round of applause when you're done with a sentence. I also do that at home sometimes too. Did you finish the milk round of applause? Complete silence. I know.

Thank you. So what's your advice here? What can she do now? Nothing. Forget it. Just you're done. Don't re-friend him. Don't re-friend him.

Stop thinking about it if you can. De-friending okay, re-friending no go. Sir. Oh, wow. What happened? That was just a guy that I shook his hand before and he was, I think he's leaving. I don't know. You're going to kick my ass in the parking lot, right?

Cool. So we sort of agree. Don't re-friend. Yes. Don't re-friend. And if you are going to de-friend, do it right away. Sure. Yes.

Sorry. Yes. Fuck off, dude. We need a fourth. We need a guy's name. James! James! James!

I was big! I was big! I was big! I was big! I was big! Henry Moses. Henry Moses, pretty cool name. It's actually a really cool name.

Yeah. Jesus. Yes, Moses. All right, the Scotsman. You're Moses now. Hey guys, my step-parents want to buy me and my wife a home. A straight-up house gift. It feels emasculating.

Is it weird to say no? Love Henry Moses. All right, thank God they're mixed reviews. A straight-up house gift? If somebody wanted to buy me a house, I wouldn't feel emasculated. I'd feel like I had a house. That makes me feel good, actually, to be a homeowner. You're not a fuck off.

You're not a homeowner. Yeah, I am. They bought me the house. The deed's in my name. You're a coward. You're a coward. Why? Because I live in a home?

What are you living? I live in a shit, an apartment. I have a home. I have a house. You get off my lawn, I'd say to you. My daddy and love bought it. You and I share a house, first of all. What?

We share an apartment together. Excuse? Excuse you. You're, like, it makes you a homeowner because somebody buys you something. Yeah. If I bought you a guitar, guess what, bud? You're a guitar owner. By shake your hand, you're a handshake owner.

And if your wife's daddy buys you a home, you're a homo-ner. I just think my problem with the entire thing is if you bought me a guitar, you might say, hey, Jake, I bought you this guitar and I wouldn't have any say in the guitar. And then if this guy buys a house, you're, like, you're in his debt. You don't get to, like, have your own house. No, that's all in your brain. Oh, you feel a mask in handouts. You just want handouts?

I want the cash. I want the house. He didn't offer you cash. You need the assholes. Oh, my God, thank you so much for the house. And then when his back is turned, you put it on the mark yet. Like, he won't notice when his back is turned for half a second and then you don't live in the house that he bought. Oh, that's weird.

Anyway, I have 850,000 quid now. So thanks for the house, idiot. Sorry. Are you saying you wouldn't accept a house? You would say no. I think there's something nice about earning your own house. Sure, that's fine, but if you can't... Well, who's to say he can't?

Well, otherwise he'd be owning a home himself. No, maybe he's working towards it. Maybe he's got a good job. Sure, sure, you keep doing that little job thing. Just to be clear, you're asking for my opinion and then shutting me down. I just think you're incorrect, but continue. Do you want me to continue? Because every time I start talking, you do the voice where you ask for cash.

I like cash. I like having money in homes. If you could choose, if you could create a perfect girl in your brain and you have a checklist, a questionnaire, 50 questions, blonde, brunette, redhead, tall, short, thick, thin, whatever. And one of the things was... Welcome back, sir. One of the things was poor, average, rich. What would you choose?

I don't think I would choose that category at all. You'd have to choose one. Poor, average or rich? Average. You'd rather have less money than more? Your money's not my money? No, it'll be your money. Because if you guys get married...

No, it wouldn't. Yeah, it is. That's how marriage works. You share a bank, you share the... All right, fine. I don't... Oh, fuck me, man. I wouldn't care if she was rich. If she was rich, then we would be coming from different backgrounds and we might not be able to see eye-to-eye on things in terms of money.

No, having cash is good. Does anyone agree with me? You guys wouldn't? Everybody just yelled and I don't know if anyone said yes or no. Does anyone agree with me? No! You would say no to a house? I would say no to a house.

You would say thanks, but no thanks. I would say thank you so much for your support. I think it's lovely, but I would like to earn my own house. I think I'll feel better waking up in a house that I bought myself. Pussy. I would like to know what makes me a pussy because I want to earn money. Because you're not accepting money. You're basically saying I'd rather checkbook with a million dollars.

You little pussy. Accept this money. Then you owe them shit. No, you don't. Yes, you do. Parents buy their kids shit. No, my parents don't buy me anything. Oh, my God.

Did you go to private high school? I went to private high school because my mother was a teacher there and I went for free. So how dare you? Did your parents pay for your college? I didn't go to college, boss. I went to four colleges, boss. And I didn't, and no, they did not pay for it.

They didn't pay for college. I paid my father back. With a good old fashioned good time and a steak dinner. Parents buy their, parents buy their kids things. They would buy your lady. They want to buy her daughter a house. A house isn't a thing. It's a house.

A house isn't a thing. Good night, everybody. Let's end on that. No, a house is a thing, actually. You're a pussy. This is a thing. You know what? You're a pussy.

This is a thing. You want to let, you're going to wake up in your wife's house. This is a thing. This is a thing. A house isn't a thing. A house isn't a thing. Do you know what a noun is? You know it's not a thing running.

You can't make money. Blue is not a thing. You can't make money. A house is a thing. Oh, my God. He's hitting me. He's not. No, it's not a thing.

Throw it back. Now it's gone. You know what? You can throw it back because it's a thing. Thank God I caught that shoe. Imagine if it's like, you know what, you can't throw it back because it's a thing. I really wish I hit you in the face. That's what you deserve.

Here's something you can't throw. A house. So I guess another thing we disagree on. You say cash isn't good. good. Which I think I think earning cash is good. What? I think earning cash is nice. That sounds good. Yeah, the dad earned the cash. Her husband, your wife's daddy earned that cash. It doesn't count. It doesn't count. That's money. That's his money. And what if they take you on vacation? Are you also saying thanks but no thanks. I want to earn my own Hawaiian vacation. That's an

experience and I think that's nice for them to have their kids on their vacation. That sounds like a nice experience. So you'll go on a vacation but you won't accept a house. I wouldn't accept a What about a deposit? What about? A deposit's fine. That accountant brings up a good point. Now if you just pay for the down payment and you pay off the mortgage, you deposit the money in my account I can have whatever house I want. Say a million dollars. They put down 250k. You pay the rest off over 30 years with a fixed APR of what? What's interest rates nowadays? 4.25, 4.3 percent? It's interesting because your mother's trying to buy you a house and you won't take it. Next question. The difference is that's my mom. I don't take shit from girls. I want to move someone else's mom.

Yeah that's I want her to keep my her money and I date a girl that has a rich daddy. I get it. That was good. It is time for a break. Richard, Jake refuses to tell his virginity story on tape because it's I guess borderline illegal and that's probably the smart thing to do but he says during live shows we cut to a little message from our sponsor who we love so much and Jake will tell me on these right yeah hopefully me on these and then we cut to commercial and Jake tells us virginity story just to you guys if you promise not to tell anyone. So if you're listening at home we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult

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to betterhelp.com slash if I were you you do that today you can get 10% off your first month so the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room this is done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable that's betterhelphelp.com slash if I were you check them out thanks BetterHelp thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show wow for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website so if you're building an online portfolio for

yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online you can do an online store they have 24-7 live customer support email campaigns data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace for example I didn't even look this up but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website so the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your

first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it uh just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace. Hey hey it's okay it's okay guys guys guys guys enough I shared something with you it was very courageous all right it was courageous I'm sorry I'm sorry let's uh let's get to one last question we're almost out of time but we like you guys we want to squeeze as much out of you as possible you guys having fun we need one last male one male question sorry sorry it's a female it's a female it's a female

yeah would you say Whitney Quidditch Gwyneth no no no I I feel like we use their names almost every time because they're the closest okay so just let's know but everybody here be fine top row only man last row if you're your backs against the wall I want to hear what what poppy poppy's nice I like poppy sexy pop poppy chicken pot pee uh all right poppy writes hey guys I'm in high school and I'm dating the guy for about a year and we text like every day I used to not have a problem with this but now it's summer and I like to do more shit outside how do I get them off my back without sounding mean or like I'm trying to avoid him thanks poppy that's yeah that's fair she doesn't want to text so much but that I feel

like that resonates because you get into this rhythm where it's just like uh oh and now I'm in a relationship where there's a constant state of conversation constantly open wait that's why being a relationship is so weird you like you just have to share every weird little mundane detail of your life yeah on a rolling hey baby I had a sandwich yeah how was it it was nice there and then you also have like you want to keep it interesting a little bit so you can't just be like it was good you gotta be like it was good there was a little too much mustard wanky face yeah emoji some type of weird inside joke the problem is when you first start seeing someone you love the texts you want it to keep going it's cocaine yeah so just more more and

then once you have that you guys just booed because I said cocaine yeah all right I don't want to go to Scotland man it's scary it's a place where it's all of them uh and once you get let's you get that rate of conversation going you feel bad slowing it down I don't I don't know I don't you don't feel bad like reigning it in responding less and less it feels like it's like you're it's a slight and it's not a slight I have a I have a suggestion okay two things sure one this is what I want to do with my next girlfriend god will it might be here right now yeah anal that's correct anal will shut her up now how dare you yeah it won't it'll just make her louder um or it might be a positive experience for everybody never mind she's not in the room anymore uh one text very infrequently

from the get-go from the start you rarely text you infrequent with text it makes the actual meaning like conversation you think that now but you're not in love you don't know what it is okay like you as soon as you're enamored with someone she'll break all the rules that you've set before you met her that's true which is why I'm onto idea number two all right well your first idea was bad so we're gonna go number two we'll call this one a all right which is what I'm gonna plan to do after I fail at one sure you say uh it's so much more fun when I see you and we can catch up on more than four minutes of day because when you're in a constant stream of dialogue you're talking throughout the entire day and then you see the person and you already know everything and it's

not as fun so you say I cherish being with you and it's so much more exciting when I haven't spoken to you all day it's so exciting we get to have this real meaningful conversation and then you can do that thing where it's like I fucking hate the internet it's online it's ruining my life every time you take a picture it's like you're not really experiencing anything it's not entirely true but you could say it and then she'll be like oh that's actually nice it's a nice thought to want to be shared this interpersonal moments in person rather than on a constant state over text message thoughts on that to be fair that was his name suggestion he was just really late

that was a no no he has a point that's pretty gay what the way you describe your relationship with your girlfriend your episode sex yeah it was gay taking that heckler honestly dude the things you do with your girlfriend are pretty gay everything besides the fucking which is very heterosexual is gay so for example having lunch with a girlfriend gay uh taking her to a movie date homo dude blowing a male prostitute that's fine what do you think of my uh my idea of turning it into a positive spending it into a positive pretty gay but i think i can save it i think you just sort of peel back entirely you just you know i don't think that works it does you retreat no because i think she's like oh are you mad at me this is the fucking insane you're asking me a

question and you won't let me answer it's that she's crazy it's not i interrupt you i really interrupt you all the time i'm sorry for putting you on a blast you gotta pee again or are you just standing up to hurt us it's time to beat us up the last two minutes of the show is just you getting your face founded in uh we're very close we're really close do you need to pee you can go you want to yeah i think you should go no unrelated to the pee pee well tell you what i'm gonna get two more seconds of advice and then you're gonna go pee and we'll end the show you should just wait by the door because i don't want there to be a crowd like if you have to pee you gotta be like ready to to jet to at least stand by the door comedy before piss you're entirely right

yeah so here we go this is i'll make my advice really quick you peel back you just you just text a little bit a little bit a little bit and then the person's gonna be like hey what's the matter you don't text me as much you're like you're being crazy you're being neurotic i'm in love with you we're doing fine and then surely but uh slowly but surely they'll match you people are energy matchers by nature he'll match you he'll start texting less and less and then everything's going to be okay uh i think is that us that's it that is it i would like to say thank you to you amir oh and i would like to say thank you to you jake i didn't know we thanked each other at the end i think you did a great job i think your advice is really on point i i want you to go pee sir i

want you to pee so bad i want i think i need to pee i need you to pee more than you need to pee ta-da indeed the strong man wants me to cuddle him so now we're definitely going to leave the stage thank you guys man chess you've been amazing thank you so much the hour when the dan patrick show ends it's over the box score begins nothing is over nothing join paulie seaton fritzy mcloven and host brah every day they react to the day's events mcloven do you feel any cooler after doing all that and plan for brock's death it's coming to my house grab my computer and go throw it off the end of appear that's all i asked what have i done go to podcast1.com

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