If I Were You - 106: Phone Case (live from L.A. Podfest!)

Episode Date: October 2, 2014

In this episode we discuss frat parties, birthday gifts, and young love.This episode is brought to you by DollarShaveClub.com and MeUndies.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you, show.com. This is it. This is the room. You can sit. What? You can sit down. No, I can't.

I'm stuck. I usually sit on the left side. It's gonna throw me off a little bit. Should we change? Yeah. Uh, welcome everybody. This is, I don't know, you guys, a lot of these people will be just listening at home, so we're sitting in front of, what would you say, 1,700 people right now?

Yeah, definitely, more than 1,000. More than 1,000? Less than, I would say objectively, truthfully, less than 2,500 people are in this room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fair. Much less than 2,500 people. Uh, but thank you. This is so intimate.

This is so fun. This is so exciting. I feel like I could learn everyone's name and then remember at the end. Let's do the front row. What's your name? Alex. Also Alex. Alex.

Holy shit. Everyone here's names Alex. Is his name Alex? Will. Asshole. Alex Will. Alex. Alex will go to Austin.

Oh, this is good. Alex will go to Austin on an errand. Shopping mall. Fuck, Brianna. Uh, Alex will go on an errand. Alex will go to Austin on an errand. Bri, honestly. Okay.

Let's do the last one. So I wasn't unsure about everyone being called Alex. Oh, no, I don't know how to end it. All right, cool. We're here. Uh, that is everybody in the front row. We didn't shortchange it. Uh, who here has never listened to this podcast before?

One person, two people. Oh, oh shit. You guys are going to have a bad time. But it has nothing to do with the fact that you've never listened to the podcast before. Yeah, we're just going to hit people with tangerines. Uh, so this is an advice podcast. It's called If I Were You. It's basically the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us and I'm Amir.

And I'm Jake. Uh, so why are you here? Guy who's never been to a, uh, seen this or heard this show before. Uh, you were here for another podcast earlier and then you're stuck to that seat. Yeah. I was playing a game for two hours, looked up and there was another podcast and I was like, oh, I guess I'm already here. Uh, how's the festival been so far?

Is it fun? Yeah. This is a first work for the festival. The woo back there. She has an app that just that you introduced us. Yeah. All right. Woo.

Yes. Uh, should we, what should we talk about before we get started? Should we just get right into it? Yeah, let's, uh, let's just, we've, we've done shows for. We've done shows for lots of people and we've done shows just us two. And this is like the first intimately crowded show. This is just like, yeah, it's sort of like, you know, the acoustic set that you remember like Nirvana, like unplugged.

Oh yeah. Yeah. This is us unplugged. That being said, these microphones are plugged in. Right. But aside from that, it's exactly the same. Yeah. People are going to remember this date.

You're going to kill yourself. Yeah. I really appreciate the fact that you think people will remember the day I killed myself. Do you think I'm famous enough that if I killed myself, it would be a news story AP or Reuters? I think, I think I will. At least give me split cider. Of course. Yeah.

I appreciate that. How much it out? All right. Honestly, if you died, I would, I think I could get rich off of like just, just, uh, you know, selling our old shit. Like what? I don't know. Just like your old stuff.

Oh, like my possessions. Yeah. You think you have like nice stuff. If I killed myself, you can get rich selling my clothes. Yeah. If I took them to crossroads. Oh, it has nothing to do with me. No, no, no.

You just think my clothes are worth that much money. Yeah. You just overspend on your clothes. Yeah. I have a Michael Kors sweater that costs $2,700. That's right. And to you, that's being rich. Yeah.

Yeah. That's more money than I've ever heard of. It's more money than there are people in this audience, if you can imagine. Yeah. Less than 2,700 people here for sure. Alex will run an errand. There's so many people here. Alex will go to Austin on an errand.

Honestly. Honestly. Alex. Alex. Honestly, Alex. Oh, yeah. But honestly, Alex. Oh, I know.

You shouldn't go to Austin on the air, right? Oh, well, we'll work on it. We'll keep it up. We get emails from people who are in desperate need of our advice. Specifically, because we're so good at it. And thank you guys for not laughing at that. The email address, if you have your own questions, if I were to show at gmail.com, these are some Primo questions. But we need some fake names to preserve these people's anonymity.

We don't want them like, you know, oh, are you the guy that wrote that question in that episode? That's fair. Yeah. So this is a guy or a girl? This is a male. All right. Alex is pretty good, but what do you say? Crandis.

Crandis? Yeah. You came all the way here to yell Crandis. He's leaving. As soon as I asked for Crandis, you were exploding with Crandis. You didn't even ask. You're like a guy? He's like, yes.

Crandis. Yeah. He raised his hand when he said, have you ever listened to the podcast? He said, no. Yeah. He just came here with Crandis. You yelled Crandis. Oh, that's a Crandis heckler.

Yeah, Crandis. He yells Crandis at very opportune times. A very helpful heckler. A help flur. Crandis. Crandis. Can you believe I said a Randis? A weird name.

Crandis with a K? Sorry. Where? In between every letter. It's that silent. All right. Crandis with a C and a silent Q, right? S-B-Q.

Silent but Q. Thank you. So I've been dating. It's a girl. Does Crandis work both ways? Yeah, yeah. All right. Crandiska.

Yeah. Crandiska. A girl named Crandis writes. What a weirdo. So I've been dating this guy for about a year now, and after finishing up at the local community college, he left to go on to a four year university. I am a little older than him, and I am about to graduate from college. Within one day of getting on campus, my boyfriend joined a fraternity. He has partied every day but one of the entire first week he's been there.

I'm really glad he's getting college experience. It's just been pretty annoying for me to sit around while it's happening. Anyway, yesterday I finally got a chance to talk to him, and I told him that a bunch of my girlfriends and I were going frat hopping to celebrate our graduation from college. When I told him this, he got pissed off. He said that I shouldn't go to a fraternity party because it was beneath my dignity. Then he said that he was only okay with me going if he was there. This coming from a guy that goes to a frat party every night. Am I wrong to think this is messed up?

I didn't even want to go that much until he said that, but now I feel like I should do it at a principal. Love Crandis. Crandiska. Oh, Crandiska. Crandiska. Oh, it's foreign. That's cool. I didn't realize she was hot.

Read it again. Try to do it in Crandiska's voice. Hola, Jake and Amir. I'm from Canada, and I speak Spanish very well. Crandiska has a bit of a hypocrite of a boyfriend. Yeah, he partied every day but won, but now she can't go because it's beneath her dignity, which I think is a phrase he coined. Beneath your dignity. Beneath my dignity.

You're right. It is beneath my dignity. Where is your dignity? Yeah. Beneath it. My dignity is here. Yeah, so going to a frat party is down there. Yeah, that's cool.

That's fair. So what should she do? Should she go out of spite? I feel like if you're doing anything out of spite, you're in a very bad relationship, right? But that being said, I think she should go out of spite. Well, I guess she should just go if she wants to, and if she has a guy that's like, don't go to a frat party, it's beneath your dignity. And he's like, you use bad English, so we're done. Yeah, I think it's above my dignity as long as we're making things up about dignity.

I feel like she was annoyed even before this because she's like, he partied every day but won. The whole first paragraph was like me thinking that she was in a little bit of an asshole. Like he's having a good college experience, but I'm pretty annoyed about it. I read in a lot to the sentence, he partied every single day but won. That's like what someone who's annoyed says. Isn't she also like when I finally got to talk to her? Yeah. Oh, that's not true.

That's the worst when you have a girlfriend. She's like, I'm glad I finally got to talk to you. I'm so loaded. I thought I talked to you enough. Not finally. We're finally talking to each other too. Let's have a good conversation. Well, let's talk about how we don't talk.

Oh God, I miss having passive aggressive phone or talks. That was my favorite part of being in a relationship. I hope your ex-girlfriend is listening. I know that for a fact that she's not. She wasn't even listening when we were together. What's the fucking point? No, she is. She's definitely listening.

No, she's not. Either way. But like, do you know what the conversation I'm talking about? Like when there's a silence and then there's like, so do you have anything you want to ask me or talk to me about? Like, I don't know. We're fucking talking right now. Do you have anything you want to talk to me about?

I remember there's somebody I was with that used to phrase things in the most annoying way. She'd be like, I like how you want to get off the phone right away with me. If you're talking to your brother, you'll talk for 20 minutes. Like, you like that? You do like that? Or do you like to say that to me? I like how you do this, but you, it's something you don't like. Yeah, you dislike that.

You don't like it at all. It's beneath your liking it. It's beneath your dignity for sure. So I feel like this is a bad relationship. Oh right, we haven't answered this. Should she go? Yes, go to a frat party. It's not beneath your dignity.

Right. Of course. And it's, um, and tell him that he can't tell you what to do. Yeah. And another thing. Yeah. He can party every day, but one, it sounds like you guys just shouldn't be in a relationship because he's going to do his thing.

You're going to do your thing. And that's great. Yeah. And, uh, don't be so bitter towards each other. Cheers. Ta-da. Everybody in the audience has whiskey, right? Good.

That's not just me. Uh, that was an easy one, right? Disagree. This guy in a frat should be with his girlfriend who's graduating from college. Terrible idea. Don't be shy. We can all talk about it. Yeah.

This is an intimate setting. Good call. Just go to the, you say go to the party and fuck somebody. Wow. So that's some like serious fight. That's like, all right, I went to the party out of spite, but I fucked someone just because I wanted to. Actually, I nicknamed him, I nicknamed him dignity and, uh, I got beneath him actually.

Oh shit. That's hot. Hot. Crandiska and dignity. She's a Vixen. Uh, uh, next question. Lamelo, a.k.a. why not? What do you think about that?

Lamelo. Yeah. I like it. We started with Todai. I feel like we can increase everybody's Hebrew vernacular. At the end of our podcast, we'll only be speaking Hebrew. That'd be amazing teaching people Hebrew inadvertently. You just you listen to that last episode, episode a thousand, it's like congratulations.

You're fluent in Hebrew and then use. Oh, look at you about Ken. Ken, honey. All right. Uh. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. I'm playing a game. Oh yeah.

Fruit Ninja. Uh, yeah. Let's do a man's name. All right. Oh, you're like Hoder from Game of Thrones. You only say Crandis. Does anybody else have a man's name that's not Crandis? Jill?

Jell-B. I'll go with Jell-B. G-Y-L-B-I. G-Y-L-B-I? Well, you said it. You should spell it. You moron. I suck at spelling fake names.

I didn't know that. Jell-B. OK, Jell-B writes. So naturally, as a junior in high school, I have countless problems that are highly important to the grand scheme of the universe. However, quite predictably, my current problem revolves around girls.

I've been friends with this girl for a few years and decided not too long ago that I like her. So I straight up asked her if she likes me, because I liked her. And she said she only likes me as a friend. I thought she didn't even want to be friends at that point. But to be honest, we drifted further apart after having no classes together for two years.

However, I've been trying to reinitiate the conversation between us. And she came up to me the other day after I texted her and communicated her intentions to remain friends. I kept in touch with her for a while, but I'm at the point where I need to make a decision either to stay friends, keep hitting on her, or to ditch the bitch.

Another problem is that I haven't found anyone else that I'm interested in. There's tons of other hot girls at my school, yet none of them are funny or interesting. Help me out. I've clearly been friendzoned. What should I do? The friendzone isn't real.

There's no friendzone. So what is it instead? She just doesn't like you. It's not like, oh, fuck, man, friendzone. I'm a victim again. No, it's OK. What is he talking about? Ditch the bitch.

You're a bitch. This guy is a bitch. And the other girls that aren't smart or funny, he's not smart or funny. How do you know that? I'm trying to give this guy tough love, because he sounds like he's almost self-aware. The fact that he's like, oh, OK, I

realize my problems are insignificant. That's true. You also don't realize that you're dumb. One of his options was to continue hitting on this girl. Third time's a charm. I'm going to do this. No, no. So you're saying persistence doesn't work.

I'm not saying that. I'm saying persistent persistence. I think I've said this before. There's passive persistence and persistent persistence. I wish I didn't coin the phrase, because it's really hard for me to say. But I think if he stays interested, he stays cool, he doesn't continually hit on her, there's a chance.

He's like a decent guy. That's like she can come around and be like, oh, you know what? I've tried dating all these other guys. They were assholes, and maybe this guy who's been in the wings and patient and cool. I'll give him a shot. But if he's continually hitting on her, and if he thinks her not liking him back makes her a bitch,

then he's a bad guy, and he doesn't deserve to ever get late. So he should ditch her. Yes, you could ditch the girl who doesn't like him. You should rephrase it so she's not a bitch and that you are. Yeah. As a bitch, should I ditch this human? What do you think? I feel like he doesn't have options.

He shouldn't keep hitting on her. He didn't need to give us a multiple choice thing. He asked the girl out, and she said, no. He's like, this is tough, because I don't have a crush on anyone else, so who should I harass? That's right. I'm sort of stuck in between a rock and a hard place at this point.

I asked the girl out, she said, no. The end. Well, I naturally asked her out again, so now I'm wondering, should I do it a third time, or admit to myself that she's a bitch? I'm willing to move on to the fact that she's a bitch. So she, so yes, leave her alone? I don't know what you want.

Passive persistence. OK, chill out, cool out. You could be friends with her. Could you be friends with someone that you've asked out, and she said, no? Yeah, definitely. Well, can you? I don't know.

No one's ever said no, you know what I'm saying? Oh my god, I'm having a heart attack. Really? Yeah. Quick, keep honking. No. OK, die. This is a second death joke.

I feel like you want my fucking clothes, take them. They're not that nice. I can have that card again. You can have this penguin card again. It's pretty sharp. Thanks, dude. Thanks. Let's take a two minute break where I just drink and think.

Two whole minutes? Jesus. Especially because you're really nursing that drink. Do you want another? Take another sip. Suck some from your mustache. Fuck off with that, dude. Has anybody out there had this problem before?

You asked a girl out, she said no. So you asked again, and she said no. And then you wanted to know whether to chill in a friend zone. Are there any girls out there who have had a problem with persistent asking out guys? Persistent guys asking them out? It's got to be true.

You guys are just too shy to say. It's OK. You're a lady right here. A guy has asked you out. That's obvious. It's going to happen. It's going to happen. When you're in a nice, cute lady, people are going to want you.

Are you sitting next to your boyfriend? Oh, so he asked you out, and you said yes. How many times did he have to do it? Seven. 17 times. No, how many times? Oh, he had to make her jealous. Oh, that's a good tactic.

Like, go out there, try to make her jealous by meeting other girls. And then sometimes what might happen is he actually meets other girls. Yeah, and then when that happens, it's like, oh, she's now jealous, but it doesn't matter. Yeah. There you go.

That's another option if you want to. Yeah, ask somebody else out. That was good. Thank you. We actually use these troglodytes for some help. She has a name, and I remember it. It's Austin or Brianna. It's Brianna.

Brianna, honestly. All right, third question. It's a dude, another dude. Can we get a name? Oh, very nice. What a stupid name, which is why my parents threw it away into the trash can. They named you Samuel.

Samuel, not Shmuel. You see, my name, Amir Blumenfeld, is a waste paper basket. And you throw middle names in the middle of it. You throw them away. You have very low self-esteem, huh? My entire life is sort of. You are a garbage.

I am not a garbage can. You're a garbage man, yes. And I do whatever a garbage can do. Any whore. Sorry. 12 other people just left. OK, this guy's from the UK. Recently, my girlfriend saw a gap.

Recently, do you want to read this one? You never read shit. That is, you're being very defensive. You stuttered. You don't know how to read. You do it. Let's see if I can do it. Oh, wait, hold on.

There's a siren. Oh, shit. Hold the siren. 5-0. You guys hear that? No. Can you answer this? Oh, god.

I can hear it, but only because I'm really close to you. All right. I can crack my jaw. Pretty cool. We'll edit that part out. Your entire mouth is numb right now. That's only from the whiskey, though. Here we go.

This is from, what was his name, Shmuel. J&A, I have a conundrum. Recently, me and my girlfriend saw Guardians of the Galaxy and loved it. Any whore. After the film, we both realized, realized spelled R-E-A-L-I-S-E-D. Fucking UK.

I'm telling you guys. They're so backwards there. That's not a European spelling. Just use the J. We both realized we need a new phone case. She found this one relating to a cassette in the film which she wants, but after seeing it myself, I want it now. She claims she saw it first, so she'd get it,

but that's only something you say when you're the one who wants it. She even already has an R2-D2 one. I want it. She's the bitch. I want it because I actually listen to the songs and love the film. But I feel she wants it just because it's nerdy in retro, but she's still a smoke show.

Seems silly to debate about it, but I consider the appearance of my mobile device as if it's a piece of art I made. A goddamn 10-pound note being in England and all. I'm trying to do me by buying this case, but I don't want the same case as my girlfriend. How do I be a beast in this regard and avoid a public shaming of me?

Who should get the case, guys? Follow up. Do you care about how your phone looks? Love, Schmuel, PS, digging the facial hair, Amir. Oh, that's nice. So this guy is obsessed with personal appearance. Yeah. He's very, very materialistic.

God, this is so minute and funny. The only part he had to send was, hold on, let me find the part. Seems silly to debate. That's the one true part of this email. Everything else is not true. It is very silly to debate. I view a cellphone case as an extension of me

and part of the art that I created. Me reading this over news headlines of people dying all over the world, the Ebola outbreak, all of the war and the hardship, and he's just like, I don't want the same phone case as my girlfriend and it's consuming me. The appearance of your mobile device

isn't a piece of art you made. That's the opposite of that. I consider the should I buy art that I make. Actually, everything that I own is stuff that I did or created. You know, I watch Breaking Bad, so that's kind of a piece of art that I made. I created that show.

In a way, I directed Brian Cranston. Heisenberg, I came up with that, because I liked it a lot. I own a whiskey company. Yeah. That's why I drink and make whiskey. Cheers to us. I actually made that shirt you wear,

because I liked it. When I liked something, I made it. What a delusional guy. I spent money on it, so I made the art. That's the opposite of art. You guys can't see at home, but I'm just tickling him here. I'm giggling like a school human.

Guys, let's not make gender-specific pronouns anymore. It's disgusting. It's absolutely revolting. I made this mic stand. Remember that runner? You didn't even buy it. It doesn't matter. That was just picking things out of the world.

So this is me. So the answer is obviously... Steal the phone case from your girl. She can't have it. I do think she wins the case she saw at first. It doesn't matter. I know it doesn't matter, but I am legitimately on her side.

Let's say she didn't see it first. Give her that. Give her the case. No. I'm going to spend 10 pounds on this motherfucker. It's very well should be something you make. You should actually make your own phone case. How about that for creating it?

That'd be kind of cool. I could make a phone case. No, you could not. Let me finish this whiskey. Then I'm going to design a phone case. No one's ever said that before. I could design a phone case? No.

Let me finish this whiskey, and then I'm going to make a phone case. I didn't say make it. I'll just design it. It'll have like a cool pattern. This is another very... Of course. We don't have to just answer emails.

We could also... We could do anything. Sure. Yeah. Let's do it, man. I'm going to be a phone case designer. Bad job. Do you think so?

I think that's a bad job to have. I feel like there's a market for it. Everybody has a phone. Sure. I like design. Can I recommend Get Off My Case as a title for the store? See now you're on board.

Let's do this. All right. I got you invested. That's how you get people on your side. What do you think of this sentence, which also made me laugh? She just wants it because it's nerdy and retro, but she's still a smoke show.

I like that he's trying to give himself valid reasons, too. I want it because I actually listen to the music, okay? And I appreciate the film. She wants it because it's nice and retro. Just as valid as your shitty reason. You both want it because you like it. Yeah.

You just both like it for slightly different reasons. So give her the case, and then you get a different case. Is that... It's not fair, but it's a nice gesture. Yeah, I guess so. This happens when I go to restaurants. I don't like ordering the same food as other people.

Which is not true. You should just order what you want. Right, but I don't... What? You feel bad for the guy making food? What's the hold up? If we went somewhere and we both ordered the same pasta. Okay.

I would be upset. I would be mad at you. You'd be mad at me even if I ordered first. If you ordered first, you said pasta. I would probably... Okay. I have to change now. I'll get squid.

I have to get the opposite of pasta. Is squid the opposite of pasta? I don't think so, because it's still long and stringy. Try again. Opposite of pasta. Go. A Lego.

Nope, not a Lego. Because it's still long and stringy. Lego is good. I was thinking marbles. Pound it out. Marbles is good. Actually, that kind of reminds me of a case I've been thinking about designing.

Oh, that's not bad. Yeah. So like a case that looks like it's constructed by Legos. And marbles. Or what about a case that looks like it's a Tetris game on the back of it? Oh, that's cool. That's nice.

And it's like, I like it because it's nice and retro. And I like it because I actually appreciate Tetris. Well, I made the art. I made the art. I saw it first. Or second, it doesn't matter. It's an extension of me. The thing he should know is that whoever gets it,

him or his girlfriend, they will be the first person to own this phone case, right? The cassette? The cassette. I've seen it so much. It's pretty lame as a phone case. I feel like we should just save them both and say neither of you guys get it.

It's a terrible idea. Is it worse than the R2-D2 when she's already sporting? Yes. OK. Good to know. Cheers. What was I going to say? I already forget.

It doesn't matter. I shouldn't take time to think about it. We should just move on and do other stuff. Really nursing the whiskey. That's all I'll say. Would you guys agree? Yeah. They're just agreeing with you because they want to be friendly.

All right. Why don't you ask them if you're not nursing the whiskey? Am I not nursing it? How do you answer that? No, you're not nursing it. Whatever it is, you have to drink more whiskey. Yeah. Oh, my God.

We are getting in trouble at the hotel. This is illegal. Did you not take a sip, though? I know. You did a little, yeah. I did a pump fake. Thank you. I'll read the next one, too.

Let's relax a little. We're like moving a lot of text from your dad. Chill, dude. Just like text after text. Amir, come home. Amir, your mother's worried about you. Amir, I don't care about you, but you should call your mother. Fine.

Stay away from home. We don't care. Oh, and then here you go asking him for money. This is really sad, huh? It's dark. Yeah, it depends on what angle you're coming off of it from. Because he ends up agreeing to give me money, which I think is a happy thing. That's nice.

Yeah, wiring you 2K. Yeah. I don't know if you got it. Amir, did you get it? Amir, did you get the money? Asshole. Should we move on to the next question? I don't know.

Yeah, let's take a break. Let's get to know people in the second row. Is everybody here from Los Angeles or is somebody here traveled from past LA? You traveled from where? Montana. Montana for this podcast festival? Dude, the Montana podcast festival is next week. Yeah, it's in Bozeman.

It's in Bozeman, Montana. Montana's awesome, right? Yeah. Where do you live in Montana? Is that Montana or Montana State is in Missoula? Montana. Okay. Can I come back with you?

Sure. Fuck yeah. I'm going to live in Montana. What? We'll do the podcast from Missoula. It's an hour away, dude. We'll never make it in time. Oh, man.

So you love podcasts so much that you came to LA for this festival. Because how else would you see all these podcastians live? Podcasters. Who's your favorite podcast Smith? God, you suck. He's talking to you. No, he's not. He's talking to me.

Who's your favorite podcaster? Who charted? Who charted? Who charted? We should be on that. I love that. Yeah. We're sort of on the outside of the podcast community looking in.

Right. Nobody likes us. Yeah. We have a podcast and a lot of other people have podcasts, but we don't know any of them. Talk to any of them or our friends with any of them, but they're all friends with each other. They like us and they all like each other and hate us. Yeah.

Yeah. It's because we have that section of our podcast. Let's make fun of other podcasts. Yeah. That's right. So we're into it right now. Who charted? Who charted?

Who cares? Nice. That being said, if you have any job on that show, we would love to be on it. Any job? Yeah. You want a producer on the show? Cool. Yeah.

I'm sick of producing our show. Now you're going to take a sip of the whiskey? Yeah. Tell us more about Montana. Do you have a lot of land up there? Oh, fuck yeah. You have to repeat what he says because people can't hear. Oh, he said about three acres and then I said, oh, fuck yeah.

Yeah. Three acres is like the equivalent of having a studio apartment in LA. That's like the smallest lot of land you can have in Montana. Right. How much do you pay for rent on a three acre lot of land in Montana? Tight. Oh, fuck yeah. Those are their parents.

That means you like eat for free because they could pay for it and then you do whatever you want. That's what I was telling you. We should live back with my fucking parents. Dude, I loved living with your mom. Yeah. When we lived with your mom, it was like killer. Yeah, she fed you.

The food was bad. Yeah, the food was bad. But she made it. Yeah, she made it. She liked a lot of it. It was nice that I was fed in full most of the time, but it was like eating gruel. It was like, but a lot of it was traditional Israeli food and she's like, oh, I wanted to eat it.

I had no idea that culturally Israelis eat gray. Yeah. It's the color gray. That's what everything was to me. But a lot of it was very close. Yeah, here's a brown soup and it was a lentil soup. It tasted like warm water in my mouth. And then like the lamb, the meat, the couscous.

I thought it was sucking with delicious, the side dishes where you died for a season. I thought it tasted just like tar. I've never tasted tar, but I think that would be like what it tasted like, your mother's food. Yes. I said, um, may I have more tar? Excuse me, lamb. I was nice living there though.

That was cool. Uh, cheers to Rifka. Don't say her name. Don't you dare say her name. And I love her. Cheers. Drink up, bud. What story?

Well, we usually tell my virginity story at these live podcasts, but this one's being streamed. There's cameras pointed at me and it's going to be recorded forever. So, but I'll tell you what, if anybody is like very desperate to hear it, I'll just, there's 20 bucks after the show, as soon as we get off the stage, just come up to me and I'll tell you the whole story. That's a gift for all 1900 people here. Just come right on up.

Uh, all right, let's get to a couple more questions. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. Uh, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient,

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It's been very helpful. Um, so you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. Uh, and it's extra affordable.

That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website.

So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy. Amir Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your

life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good.

Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. A couple more questions. Sure. All right. Ooh, another guy's name.

Guys name. I like Demetrius. Demetrius. Riff. Someone said Riffka. Come on, dude. You got to hit him. Defend your mother's honor.

He just said her name. He called her a dude. Oh, no. Left hand with his thumb inside. Why I ought to? Remember how I almost got into a fight on Friday? Oh, yeah. Dude, I really, I had your back.

I know. And I was drunk enough to want to get hit. I know you really did. You came up to him. You kept on going up to him. I've never been in a fight. I've never been punched. And on Friday, we went dancing together.

We got drunk and went to a dance together. The funniest thing is this is all of it's true still. We got drunk and went dancing. Me and Amir went dancing together on Friday night. I guess I accidentally backed up into a lady, which I shouldn't have done. But I spilled a drink or so he said. Did you see what happened? All I saw was like you guys looked like you were getting into it.

Okay. So I didn't see your feel. And I apologize. Oh, sorry. I didn't see her. It was like, don't fucking say sorry to me, bro. Say sorry to her. I'm like, I'm sorry, dude.

I'm a comedian. What do you want me to do? It's all a joke to me. Like I was just like trying to like instigate him. This guy was short. So I'm like, it'll be, it'll be funny if he hits me. Even if he swung at you, I could just go like this. Yeah.

Like that kid and punch out. Trying to like touch fucking piston Honda or something. But I wanted to play that game, but that piston Honda reference. I'm sure it didn't go over everybody's thing. And I, I'm good at being a smart ass. I'm like, what do you want to do, man? Like, come on. I was just fucking around.

I'm sorry. I was just like fucking around. I don't know. I'm silly. I don't take anything seriously. He's like, just fucking step away from me. And his girlfriend was pushing him away. Like he was actually going to do something.

And then you, you saw it happen. Yeah. You said you were going to tackle him if you punched me, which would have been awesome. I was sitting down because I was really drunk from all the dancing. I was like dancing and taking shots. And I was just like, then I was just like chilling. I was like, all right, this is not my song. I'm just going to sit here.

And all of a sudden I just saw like there was a, there was a sort of a melee in the middle of the floor, which I guess was you like talking to him. And I was like stood up. And I was just watching like a hawk just waiting because I didn't want to like get into the middle of it until like something really broke out. Because I also, I didn't want to rob you of that experience, which would have been amazing. Punched me. But I also knew I could fly from the sky because there was sort of like a stage.

I could fly from the sky and hit him right in the temple and maybe kill him. Oh, if I hit him, just right. God, it would have been so cool if I got punched in the head and you tackled a guy. Oh God, I wish. Let's do that. Let's pick a fight. Let's keep going out, man. We really should.

I didn't have fun that night with you. I don't like you. Oh, no. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I'm going to throw up. Some of my mom's. My heart broke.

No, it would be fun to get into fight. Then we can talk about a real fucking fight on the podcast. Some day. None of this fake shit. You do. Like knowing you, you come close to being punched in the head a lot. Yeah, because I'm a wise ass. Right.

You like you get people mad at you and then you refuse to back down. And even when you apologize, you laugh. Yeah, I'm sort of laughing at them. Not with them. And that pisses people off. That'll do it. The trick is to piss people off that you think are smaller or softer than you. Right.

Right. So like a doggy would be one person I'd want to piss off. Like a dog. A dog could beat the shit out of you. A dog would bite you. What? They can bite. Yeah.

I've been stealing milk bones from dogs. Assuming. I saw a stash of milk bones in your closet. Then I steal it with my mouth. There's crumbs all over my shirt and face. We need, do we get a guy's name? Yeah. Demetrius.

Okay. Demetrius. Right. About two months ago I celebrated my birthday. It wasn't anything special because I was on vacation with my parents. I came back home and life continued and everything is chill. The only thing is that my best friend didn't do anything for my birthday. It's been two months and the only thing he gave me was a Facebook wall post stating happy

birthday. I wouldn't be upset about it if not for the fact that I gave him an Xbox for his birthday a month earlier. I'm just bummed about the fact that he doesn't even take time to wish me a happy birthday after I get back from my vacation. Also after gifting him an Xbox I do feel like he should give me a present in return. How should I approach this? Or am I just being a bitchly for demanding presents?

Any advice would be welcome. Love Demetrius. So sad. This is why my theory, my rule, my ideal utopia is no gifts ever. No gifts ever. You bought me a birthday gift. And I hated every minute of it. You got me a really nice gift this year.

Remember I said on the podcast, oh I thought of a good gift for you. And that was it? Yeah, that was it. Did I give you a gift for your birthday? You did not. Are you sure I did not? Did I or not? Do you actually remember?

You gave me a ten dollar iTunes gift card. Fuck off, I didn't get you a gift. Oh, what was it? You asshole. You once got me a tie clip. Wow. You're turning away from me. This is insane.

You got me a gift? You don't remember it. Because you didn't even want it. You're mad at me for not accepting a gift well. I'm not doing the podcast anymore. Give me a minute. Wait, is it the tie clip that you're thinking of? The tie clip.

I got you the tie clip five years ago. And I remember it. You remember the tie clip, but you don't remember this year. This year you gave me a gift for my 31st birthday? Fucking dick. I'll tell you where we were when I got it. It was in the tie clip store. Marty, you were there.

You remember what I got him? No. Good. Where was it? Was it in what? We were at sushi. Me, you, Marty and Matt. Oh, fuck you.

Because we never had an abusing that. You, because you canceled on me. You bought me a plane ticket and then you took the credit. You took the credit back. You fucking took your gift back. And you're mad at me for not remembering it. Because you didn't want to go on the trip with me. Your birthday present isn't me sending you on a trip on your own.

Yes, that's the gift. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Give me a gift. I was gonna give you $200 in cash. Yeah, that's a gift. How much did the goddamn pen cost? $90.

$90? Yeah, fuck off with that. You gave me credit for a Southwest flight. We didn't take it. And then you said, can I have your reservation number? Because I'm gonna use that credit. You took the credit back. I bought you a $200 plane ticket to Las Vegas.

Yeah, we were gonna go together. And then you don't go and you say, I get the $200. Yeah, that's exactly right. No way. Yes, yes. No way. No way. Ask him for the credit back.

This is a question that would come up on our podcast. Right. And I would agree with me because I'm me. Of course not. The gift isn't me sending you on a vacation. The gift is us going on vacation. So I take that away and you take it back. It's like, here's a sweater.

You're like, oh, I don't really want it. We can still go to Vegas. You return it and give me the cash. It's not like a sweater because a sweater is just yours. It's like me buying a coat that's big enough for the two of us and you say, thanks, but I don't want to wear it with you. I'll return it. And then I get the fucking store credit or cash for it.

Of course not. Do you guys think I deserve the money that was from the gift that I didn't use? Yeah, not the money. I do. No? I feel like there's a lot of mixed reviews and you only are the one that agreed with you.

This guy. Yes, sir. This guy has the longest hair. Clearly he's the smartest man. You win. What is that? Jake's right. Wait, wait, wait.

Legend. Okay. Show of hands. We can do a show of hands. Show of hands. Jake's right. Show of hands. He gets the money from the gift that he gave me.

That's a shit load of hands. That's all the hands almost. Okay. You should give me a gift. Two people? Fucking four people. You raised your hands both times. That's what I'm saying.

I should get the money back. Which you haven't done. Nine months later, you know what you'll do? You'll be like, oh, for this year we'll give you another gift. That means that that gift went away. Because that counts as next year's gift. Yeah, because he decided not to go on the trip. That's not true.

It is. You didn't want to go on the trip. It's not that I only wanted to. You also said we shouldn't go. Marty didn't go. Where the fuck is Marty? You didn't go, Martin. Don't blame him.

You said we shouldn't go. It was a mutual agreement. Does that change your guys' answer? It changes everything. It wasn't mutual. I was the fourth person to drop out. There was four people. I was the last one to drop out.

So if I wanted to go to Vegas with just me and you? Of course. You're still wrong. Drink up. Things finally got real on the podcast. I was as real as they ever got. And the madness that you had towards me completely unjustified, by the way, by the fact that the gift was never even fucking given to me.

We didn't use the gift. The gift was given to you. Oh, I can't believe you don't remember. The gift certificate I took back. How dare you. You got the gift. Remember I got you cash and then gave it back to me? How do you not remember the $20 bill I put in your wallet

and stole back six months later? I didn't steal it back. You small man. You gave it back. You returned it because you didn't want to go on vacation. At least show of hands, but that was overreacting, right? What sort of bizarre universe is this? Sorry, I'm on stage, okay?

I'm a performer. Through and through. You can't take the actor out of me. We should go to Vegas. Okay. Tonight? To us. Tonight.

To us. L'chaim. More Hebrew. To da. To da. L'chaim. What was this fucking question even? Oh, the guy who expected a gift and didn't get one.

You can't get mad about gifts. That's another rule. If gifts are going to exist, which I think they shouldn't, you can't get mad about gifts. That's not okay. You're never allowed to say you didn't get me a gift or you didn't get me the right gift. Well, this guy didn't get a gift at all. That's fine.

And he gave a really nice gift. Gifts are like tips. It's optional. Though you can't get mad about not getting a tip. Yeah, you do get mad about that all the time. Right. But I think if somebody doesn't give you a gift, should always be a bonus. Right.

You can't get mad about not getting bonus. I do think this is a very sad. This situation is tragic, but you're right. There's nothing to do. Yeah. You can't be like, I got you an escort. This guy, as a protective measure, must care less in the friendship. Yeah.

It sounds like he cares too much right now. So try to start caring less. Don't care about gifts. Maybe when you're in a relationship, the rules are a little different. There's more of a social obligation between friends. Like if you have a girlfriend, you should get her something. And she should get you something. Oh, right.

I hate that shit. Why? Because I don't like stuff. I've very much like, people giving me gifts is like, oh, cool. Something I didn't decide for myself that I wanted. Yeah. You decided that I would have to have. You hate possessions.

Now I have to throw it away or give it away. This is a good example of how much you hate possessions. They asked me if I wanted this show on a thumb drive or a drop box, and I said thumb drive and you got mad for me. Yeah. First, I got a thumb drive. You're like, now that thumb drive is going to be on your desk. Yeah.

I guess the thumb drive will be on my desk. You'll just have it. Why do you want the trash? I don't want the trash. I want the thumb drive. It's garbage. You already have thumb drives. You don't need it.

They could put it on drop box. So what should we say to this guy? I guess just try to stop giving a shit. Try to stop giving a shit. You can't get mad about gifts. That's my overall thing. Yeah, but if it's going to eat away at you, do you have to say something? No.

You have to bottle it up and then die one day. And then where do all the thumb drives go? I want to be buried with that thumb drive. I'm going to keep it with me always. That'd be kind of a cool cuff link, right? Thumb drive cuff link? Cuff link? That's a good thing for uncrate.com.

So it's a cuff link that's a thumb drive. Does that exist? I hope not. Does it exist? It is for spies. That's how we'll market it. It'll be like James Bond in a tuxedo with a little thumb drive. And then the other one blows up.

That's so nerdy. I should totally do this instead of a podcast. And technically that would be something you created. You could be the artist in this case. Thank you. We have one last question. Are you ready? I think so.

Are you guys ready? Yeah. I'm sorry, but it's another man. Another male. Another male name. Jarski? What is that? Oh, this guy just pulling up on his phone.

Wi-Fi cuff links. Wait, that says Wi-Fi cuff links. Oh, it says thumb drive. And it has Wi-Fi? Wow, wireless cuff link hard drive? All right, that's fucking cool. I'll invest in that company. Amazon.com, you said?

Alibaba. Did you invest in Alibaba? You know what? I didn't. And I'll tell you why. After the podcast. Your other finance podcast? Advice or even less justified in giving?

All right, what's the name? I kill it, the stock market. What's the name? Jarski. Jarski writes. I'm 16 years. Jarski Tite is his last name. Jarski Tite is his last name?

Jarski Tite. Oh yeah, his first name is George. George Jarski Tite. Yeah. JST writes. I'm 16 years old and I'm having trouble with my girlfriend of three months who lives about a four hour drive away. JST, sorry, wait.

JST, you gave him George Jarski Tite? How does that, where is JST? Did I say JST? You did. Oh, GJT? Yeah. Hey guys, I'm 16 years old and I'm having trouble with my girlfriend of three months who lives about a four hour drive away.

We used to talk all the time, but recently she's been avoiding me. She hasn't had the time to talk to me from the little time that I get to talk to her. She's usually with other guys, even some of her exes. I really care about this girl. I do, but this is going too far. I trust her, but I don't trust these other guys because I know exactly what they're trying to do. Thanks guys.

Love the show. Love JGT. George Jarski Tite. When you're 16 years old, do you have real feelings yet? I feel like they're just foreshadowing of real feelings to come. He's feeling jealousy and anxiety right now, but he's only been with this girl for three months. And they live four hours away.

So you've seen her like six times. God, I don't trust these other guys. Yeah, they're going to put her under a spell via hypnosis or something and I don't know what happens next. These other guys, you're saying you don't trust her. You don't trust anybody. Yeah. What can other guys do without her permission?

Yeah. Well, that's a scary proposition, but I very much so. If you don't trust them that much, then that's a huge problem. But if you trusted your girl, she can hang out with the other guys. But if she's talking to you less and less and she's with other guys and her exes, I think your only move is to break up. It sounds like it's coming. Well, we often just say break up.

That's my default. And they work through this. They can't. Okay. The problem is that she's a four hour drive away. And when you're age 16, you probably can't even drive yet. You can drive at 16. Not everywhere.

What do you mean? Not everywhere. In most states, is it 18 or 17? Really? Mm-hmm. It's 12 in Montana. In Montana, you're born in a car. You can just drive a tractor and that's fine.

Anything goes in Montana. Whatever. So how do you advise people to move there? Wait, how old is the driving age here in California? 15 and a half. 15 and a half. You get your permit. Then at 16, you get your license?

14 and a half. 14 and a half. Do I hear 13? I just had... When I was 14 and a half, I just got pubes. My first ones. My first ones were sprouting and I could have a car. You should be able to...

You should have to start your car with pubes. You take out a tuft of pubes. That's cool. You shove it in the ignition. It's kind of like Avatar. Yeah. You pack the car with your pubes. Wow.

And that's how you get your license. Control it. That's sweet. I see you, Jake Sully. I don't remember Avatar. That was a good one. Yeah. Isn't it weird that that movie made more money than any other movie ever?

That's kind of weird. Well, you're not adjusting for inflation and stuff. It's beautiful. Gone with the wind. Thank you. That's what you have to do. If someone goes to pound you and both your hands are full, it's a kiss. That's your advice for this guy.

That's my advice for anybody when I've had enough of this whiskey. It seems like if your girlfriend is talking to you less and less early, three months should be the honeymoon period. Everything is going great. They want to talk to you as much as possible. Yeah. Three months is like ideal. That's great.

That's like maximum infatuation. And she's already hanging out with her exes and not talking to you. So... Your relationship's over, right? Yeah. If it's bad on the third month, it's going to be really bad going forward. Does any relationship start bad and get better? Does any relationship start at 16 and last forever?

That's beautiful. That's a song lyric. Yeah. Does any relationship start bad and get better? Does any relationship start at 16 and last forever? Oh. Oh. No.

They don't. That is our time. That's a great way to end it. Guys, thank you so much for coming out. Yeah. Thank you. It's all for you. If you have your own questions, your own thoughts, your own concerns, or if you just want to

listen to the show again. It's at FireRuShow.com, or if FireRuShow.com is to email stuff in. And if you want to hear my virginity story, just come meet me in the corner of this dark room. I never thought you'd say that again. You said that at every show. You said that again. You said that at every high school dance, and nobody cared.

Guys, thanks so much. Goodbye. Good night. I'll tell you what I would do if only I were you. Shark.com. Hey, guys. It's Kristin. It's Marnie from the Ask Women podcast.

And make sure to check out our podcast for all the advice you need to get the women that you want. And yes, I say women plural because we even talk about polygamy. Not polygamy. What's it called? Polyamory. That's right. But if you want to know all the advice that you've been waiting to hear directly from

women on how to attract, date, seduce, and get the women you want, then check out our podcast, the Ask Women podcast, right here on Podcast One.