If I Were You - 107: Farting (with Bobby Lee!)

Episode Date: October 6, 2014

Actor/Comedian Bobby Lee joins us to discuss passing gas, doing drugs, and the perfect Tinder profile.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, Prosper.com, and DollarShaveClub.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I've got a problem, I'm stuck here with a meerkat Could be a big deal or just a mere fact That in life sometimes we all need advice From two guys like a miracle or something If I were you, I'd send an email to If I were you, show at gmail.com Or take a look inside a mirror and say, at least I'm not a mirror and jank That was Scott Diebel and Mike Hammersley

Bobby Lee, what do you think of him? It's really nice, kind of like dashboard confessional Chris Caraba, did you like dashboard? I don't care for it Me either My jeans aren't that tight What do you listen to? You're not going to believe it

People think that I'm more of a rock-sea music, a velvet underground kind of a guy I believe that you're wearing a beanie and a black t-shirt I look like the ancient Cheech Marin Yeah, I'm old, so I like older stuff like flash and things like that But I like modern stuff Yeah I like shoe gaze No, I don't know

I'm not good with music I listen to Kiss FM, Pop 40, and I love it Pop 40? Pop 40? Pop 40? That's actually not bad Yeah Pop 40

Do you download albums? No, god no Oh, I never ever There's a phone right now The only album he has is Macklemore Yeah, that was the last album I got And that was probably the only album I purchased in the last 20 years Does Macklemore wear Harry Potter glasses?

Like you do? Oh It's funny, I was just going to answer that truth That's actually a good question, does he? That's how big of a Macklemore fan you are I don't know if he does, I think he wears contacts He might have glasses that he wears to bed It's like that white man can't jump things

Like this dude's so dumb, he doesn't even realize he's being insulted That's me I'm too dumb I'm sorry I attacked you, this is your show No, this is fun, we're getting into it I love it, it's real Thanks for coming on the show I love you guys, I love working with you guys

Yeah, we work together on an Xbox We don't have to still advertise for them Yeah, we work together We work together on some Nameless project It doesn't matter what it is We're brought us together We did bring us together, yes So thus it was our favorite project of the year, I think

Oh, my too Yeah, it was really nice You were like a beacon of light that entire Really? Over both of those days Yeah, that was like, I mean, it was hellish for me The time where it was one set of footprints in the videos When you were carrying us

Both of us, yeah Oh, like the poem Thank you so much Was that a hard, how did you feel at the end of day two? Were you like physically exhausted? I felt angry with my life And angry about myself And angry that what my situation is in life

Jesus No, it was a blessing to work with you guys I like you guys a lot You guys are very funny and smart guys And very nice But the whole thing was like The whole time I was thinking This is what I need to do to make money

This is ridiculous This is where I'm at There are worse ways to make money But it's so true I had a similar thought though It's so crazy sometimes Like I was standing in a room in like A fishnet tank top in a leather jacket

Yeah, and doing a, you were doing a plank This is how I make money Yeah This is how I do it We were in a plank and there were little people On doing planks on us Yeah We were humped by little people

And we got cash for that And that's America I think And I think those people got cash too I sure hope so I had a head piece and they were like Go sniff Amir's armpit And I'm like, no? What?

Like when did that happen? It's insane Go sniff Amir's armpit Count Jake's freckles on his arm Like no Actually, you did lick my face at one point Did they tell you to do that? I understand how the holocaust happened now

Because they ask you for little things People in positions of authority Just saying things like do this Oh, go lick his face I would never do that if you didn't tell me to I mean, that's a hyperbole But it's true, that's what they say They're like, Hitler didn't go from zero to a hundred

Real quick, he said, oh Boycott businesses Oh, maybe they can't study in school Now they can't be professional doctors and lawyers And then once you denigrate someone so low Then it's like, oh, okay Now we can do this and this and this But they went from that to murder

Just in a ten-year period What do you mean? Yeah, yeah Hitler himself had that in his mind He's like, alright, I need to murder all the Jews But we gotta ease everybody into it Or was he also like, ah, Jews suck Let's not go to their businesses

He himself was sort of losing his mind Well, I think it was like he Well, they needed someone to scapegoat This is the weirdest start It's also not our budget We're talking about the psychology of Nazism Well, remember when we were in that We went to Europe recently

We went to a soccer game You're a huge soccer fan You've never been to a soccer match in Europe So they're so loud The crowd is louder than I've ever heard Any crowd in America And this was not a good soccer team And they were down

They were jumping the entire time Jumping, yelling, screaming Imagine that entire It's funny, because we were in the 1936 Olympic Stadium in Berlin That Hitler built for the Olympics Imagine everyone that loud All cheering for you

So you can just do whatever you want You feel like a fucking maniac So that's the power And they're like, what should we do? And he's like, ah, do that, and that, and that Yeah, but what a dick I feel like I would be like Everybody take off your clothes

And Hitler was like, ah, shit Everybody kill the Jews That'll be silly Yeah Listen to my zany idea So this is if I were you It's an advice podcast People write us in

We're gonna just say one last thing, though I hate when religious people go God loves everyone the same No matter what And you think, well, I don't get a little bit more love Than Hitler That's not fair That's fair, right?

It's just based on the fact that I've never killed somebody? Yeah A little bit more love Just show favoritism a little bit, God I think it's okay to be on a sliding scale Of God's love I'm actually pretty good

So you should love me more Than murderous, murderous assholes Well, I guess you should love the people that believe in And more than you Like, you don't even believe in God Why would you I'm just in the middle of the scale Yeah

I don't believe in him, but I'm not an asshole Right I got love for you, too Like, if God were real Don't you think he would be like He wouldn't be like, I hate you He would be like, I told you so Come here

Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah You'd get a pass at that He'd be cool about it Not you, Amir No, God, no I'm Jewish So people email us

And they're like, oh, I need advice And Jake and I offer it And sometimes it's just us two And sometimes we have friends with us Today we have Bobby Bobby Lee Thank you Robert E. Lee, what's your full name?

Bobby Lee Bobby? Bobby Young Lee Oh, Bobby Young Lee Wow, that's cool It says Bobby on your breast I think it says Robert Oh, the truth comes to mind

I think it says Robert, but My parents call me Bobby Did your parents know about Robert E. Lee? Yeah, with the general? Yeah, yeah No So it's just a coincidence I was named after Robert Redford

Really? Yeah And my brother was named after Steve McQueen Your parents just like big No, they came up here I guess when they came to America That was like the first two movies they saw Whatever

Robert and Steve And they were in the movie theater And they'd go, oh, Steve has a good name Who's Steve? He's a McQueen Steve McQueen Robert My dad's name is Robert

He changed it And then my mom's name is Jeannie I changed it I dream of Jeannie? Yeah, it's based on Jeannie Yeah, it's all based on TV Or like movies from the late 60s You have a cousin named Gilligan, right?

Yes Which I think is pretty awesome I really do That is a good name For a girl For a girl Gilligan It's like Gillian

But a little bit more Bob Denver So we're going to go straight into Answering some questions These are real emails from real people But we give them fake names You know, to preserve their anonymity We'd like you to come up with fake names For us if that's possible

We just need a fake name for a guy It could be anything Um, Monty Monty That's good Last name? Koloko Oh, my God

Monty Koloko That's My nose just started to bleed And I have no idea why Hey, guys My name is Monty Koloko I am a student pilot And I'm extremely close

To obtaining my pilot's license A couple days ago A girl started talking to me Out of the blue She seemed really into me And we've hung out a couple times And let me tell you I'm pretty into her

But I have a feeling That the only reason She started talking to me Was because I'm a pilot Do I bring this up to her? Do I just stay quiet And see where it goes? I'm really into her

And I could see it going somewhere Thanks, Monty Oh, my God Monty Koloko Koloko, Koloko Listen, can I just say something? Yeah, no, that's the whole point of the show I was born

Looking like a mythological creature Like, I... Like, guys You can't swear on this, right? No, totally You can say anything I was born unfuckable Okay, I didn't realize you would say that

Right? I'm good at this now So in high school I thought to myself I'm never gonna get laid If I don't, like, do something Right And then I was like

Nah, that's all in your head But in my early 20s Still, I had never gotten really laid And I was 23 And I'm like I have to do something Because being me Isn't good enough

You know what I mean? I'm like, small And just, you know Just not good to look at No, you're cute Thank you I'm like, yeah You're cute

I don't want to debilitate your story I just want you to know that we think you're cute I'm cute Like a muppet, though Like, I made out of felt Girl will fuck a muppet Girls will fuck a muppet Sure

But those are the kind of girls I wanna fuck But anyway So in my head, I'm like I gotta do something And I just started doing stand up Because it's like I had nothing else

That would, like, get me to get laid Sure And then it worked Anyone thinks that, oh My girls have sex with me Because of me Yeah Over, like, my soul

No I mean, I bring a different element Like, I didn't I wasn't born with a genetic lottery Right Like Brad Pitt Or Jake You know what I mean?

I was born with, like, these features And this body And I had to add to it So I did comedy And I'm in show business But that's genetics, too It is? Yeah

Being funny is a genetic Not everybody can be funny That's not true Yeah, no, no, no We think it's easy We think it's easy because we're comedians But most people aren't funny I know dudes that are the best stand-up comics in the country

And they are so not funny As real people But as stand-up, they're funny Yeah, they know how to write And they know how to write a point of view or whatever But as people, you're like, God, man You just don't know anything about comedy But they know how to write a joke

That makes sense I don't feel like that, too But, like, isn't... To get laid, being a pilot Or being a comedian Is, like, just being a... Successful It's just, like...

It's just having drive So if, like, this girl wants to get... She wants to fuck me because I'm a pilot Yes Yeah And you went to pilot school You're a pilot school And you did a good job

And now you're a pilot So you're gonna get laid because of it It's part of who you are Right What do you want her to like about you? It's like, I'm just afraid this girl wants to fuck me Because I'm attractive I'm afraid she just...

She's just in it for my personality Yeah, she's in it for the Watt or that Or this And also, why do you go to pilot school in the first place If it's not to fuck people? Yeah He's just... Well, this is...

It's not about that, sweetheart I'm just in it for the plane I like my wings Yeah Also, I was in Puria, Illinois About 12 years ago And I was at a McDonald's It was, like, a 24-hour McDonald's

At two in the morning... Sorry At two in the morning I got, you know, the lady that worked there Literally looked like a supermodel The McDonald's? Yes, it was crazy She was in her, like, late 20s

And I looked at her and I went, wow And literally through the window I go, Can I have your number? Whoa She gave me her number Whoa But I never called her What?

Why? She works at McDonald's So... So I, like, sat on it and I'm like She's really hot, but why? What are you talking about? You're attractive No, there's reasons

You're really attractive Yes You didn't move to LA I'm like, what is your deal? Did your dad own the McDonald's? I don't know I was confused So you never called her?

No Do you still have the number? Can I call her? No, no, no, you can't I don't know That was 12 years ago 12 years ago, yeah So this is in a drive-through?

Yeah, so if she was a pilot I would have been like, yeah Right, yeah I mean, having a good... I feel like you talked about this recently Where, like, you're... Are you, like, putting it on your Tinder profile? Like, a picture of you and Danny DeVito?

Oh, yeah And I'm like, is this cheating? Am I, like, saying, oh, look at me I've been with Danny DeVito on a show? And you're like, no Because you've actually earned that right It's not like you won the lottery Or did something lucky

It's not like you stumbled into Danny DeVito at a McDonald's And you took a picture with him And, like, that's... Right Faking it Like, I know Danny... Well, not like you know Danny DeVito in general But you went on Jimmy Kimmel

Yeah And that's, like, the... You earned that But you might as well try to fuck somebody off it Because otherwise, why did you do it? Right You should come for it Well, you did love it

But it's just a benefit of being who you are Right You're saying, but there's a difference between being like I'm a reality star Or it's like you're not actually good Or supposed to... That's not a good thing You just happen to be famous by accident

Or this guy who's actually trying to, like Okay, you've earned a pilot's license That's good for... It's hard to get that That's, like, many hours and hours and hours in the air Yeah It's easier to do that than what you're doing Than what I'm doing

Getting a pilot Well, it's easier for you to do what you're doing than be a pilot It's probably easier for this guy to be a pilot than be a comedian Right Don't you, like, gravitate towards things that you're, like, naturally good at? Like, I would never be... I'm sure I'd be an amazing doctor Well, this is a bad example

Because I would probably be a great doctor Actually, I think I want to go to med school But, like, I would be a bad student So I wouldn't be good at anything where I had to know anything But since I'm, like, predisposed to being... Like, I have good timing, so I'm a better comedian Do you think it's cheating when you hook up with girls Because they're trying to fuck you because you're a comedian?

No It's not cheating No On my Tinder when I had one You know who Eric Stone Street is? Yeah Yeah, so from Modern Family I got him on Tinder

And he goes, really? I go, yeah, this is what you do Your first profile picture is you in a suit or whatever Your second picture is you with another celebrity It's not like you accidentally ran into them Like your friends, like you're driving in a car Or you're living room watching TV There's a fucking method to it

Who was your celebrity that you were playing watching TV with? Mine was... Eric Stone Street No, no, no, a year ago I think it was, like... It was a weird one, like, Dice or somebody like that But it was, like, you know, because I wanted to... Andrew Dice Clay

Yeah, yeah, yeah But he's not really a celebrity He's just more of a weird kind of a person to know But if you're on Modern Family, like, you don't need a picture of you You're fucking on... You are the celebrity You don't need you with fucking Andrew Dice Clay It's still cool

It's still kind of cool You're on Modern Family He doesn't need a picture bragging Sure, he doesn't need it But then it's like this... The person swiping is like, oh, shit It's the guy from Modern Family Then the next one's like, oh, shit

Look at the world he lives in I want to be a part of that Yeah, right I guess he... I guess if you're... If the picture is someone more famous than him But I feel like a lot of girls Must think that it's not actually him, right?

That's another thing, yeah But you know what? That was a problem of his He was like, what if they don't know But then what you do is this, right? You have the... You literally have the message board if you match, right? Yeah

So it's just like, hey, you meet me At a coffee bean where it's brightly lit During the day, you know what I mean? So that you don't feel scared Right If you bring a friend if you want to I'll be there You know, so they pull up and they go

Oh, there's the guy Yeah You know, how exciting is that? That's what I did with my girl Oh, really? I met my girl on Tinder And she didn't believe it was you She's like, that's not you

I go, it's me And she's like, well, I don't believe it I go, meet me by... She lived in Long Beach I drove all the way to Long Beach at a coffee shop You know what she did? She told me to meet her at a coffee shop That was like even farther away

From the coffee shop near her house Oh, it's like She went extra Because she was like She thought maybe if I was a stalker Or some weird guy And I met with her We stayed at that coffee shop

At the coffee shop for four hours Oh, that's awesome Wow, that's beautiful What? That's beautiful And now you're still with her Yeah That's great

She's at my house right now You should have brought her No No Nope So that's a Tinder success story And those are good tips What are some other Tinder tips

Now that we have another expert on the line Well, if you're like This is what I do It's like you also have to have a photo If you're a guy with a hot chick That you're not somebody that you're like Not seeing Oh

That's so funny If you're in Vegas With good friends that are hot Right, but you're like not making out Like being pervy in the photo Or you're like more like their brother Or whatever It's just women go

Oh, my God He is like around these girls And he seems like sensitive, you know You know what service you should provide That I'm just going to ask you to do for myself After the show is You look through my photos And just set up my profile

Why do I do it after the show? Let's do it right now That's because it's not It's a visual medium I'm afraid he's just going to stare Well, you can describe the pictures Amir, are you getting hits? No

Well, I mean, I'm swiping Can I see your profile picture? That's the most important than your profile picture Okay You know what Just give me your profile picture right now Well, it's really funny that you mentioned that Because I just changed it the other day

And I want you to see the photo Because I'm going to show you what my profile picture was Oh I'm in the thing That's amazing Isn't it? It's the photo shoot

The giant pizza It's a great shot It's just you can't see your face in it No, I cannot That's true But I figure like it's a giant There's a giant pizza That's like at least interesting

Intriguing enough to go forward Like, would you see that and be like, no No I think that's a great photo It's a great photo? I don't think that I really think that And you're in it

I know I know, I think that's going to be hurtful to you I'll show you something Oh, look, and you got a Yes, and the second one is Me with an attractive lady I don't know, I think I'm going to see the second one

You don't think it looks too much like that's his girlfriend? But what are they What are people on Tinder going to think? Like, oh, he's in a relationship I'm not going to swipe Well, I just feel bad And those are the glasses are like weird too Sunglasses

Yeah, no sunglasses Well, I only have glasses, dude Don't fucking say no glasses I know, you have Roy Orbison glasses there Oh, this one's good This should be your That's great This one's me and Amir

That should be your That should be your profile picture That's confusing, if it's me and Jake People might think it's Jake No, because it says Amir on it And then they'll be so They'll know it's the Jewish looking one No, they just know, like

Just because it says Amir And it's a picture Are you sure you want to be next to like I just look so great in this picture Yeah, what if they swipe And it's like That's even better, okay That's even better, alright

So have that be your profile And the next one should just be you You think the I think the main profile picture Should be just me I don't know, I mean for me it's like There's a little bit of a mystery between you two That right there with that

That one, no I don't know, I can't see your face I don't know anything Yeah, this is a picture of Amir Winking, taking a bite of a cupcake No, that's an avocado Oh, alright, sorry I'm gonna show you guys what mine was

Okay Taking a bite of an avocado A cupcake is way sadder Than taking a bite of an avocado Avocado is pretty cool Sorry, I apologize I apologize I feel horrible right now

Yeah, I mean, okay What are the other ones? Alright, so we got Amir in the pizza Amir in the girl He's in a suit wearing sunglasses Which we say no Here's Amir on stage

He's got a microphone That's a great one Is this bothering you that we're reading this? No, that's a great one This one's good? Yeah, that's a really good one Because it shows that you're performing I'll ask that you're talking to your microphone

Because you won't be able to hear That's a very good one And that's a very good one And that also shows you that you're like performing Right Or a good public speaker And that's sexy So let me ask you this

This profile This one was mine Let me see Is that really? Yeah, this one's mine It's Bobby in tidy whiteies That are striped Posing with a lemonade on a lawn mower

Yeah, on a lawn, in a lawn So you're saying I should have a huge, silly photo Oh, my God No, but for me, it's like I think you're far more cuter than I am I needed to show them That's the equivalent of you in your early 20s You're like, I don't trust my body

I'm going to be as silly and loud as possible Yes But I think the pizza photo is that You just can't see your face too far I mean, I love the photo It's just too far from your face What about the one where you're bloody holding a cat? I had that for a while

And it didn't do well? It didn't do well It might do well in LA I don't know That was a New York thing Yeah, it was a New York thing And what do you have in your preferences In terms of settings in terms of

I think I keep it 18 to 18 18 to 18 Only 18 I think right now it's 24 to 33 And I'm 31 Well, 24, you should go 18 18?

I don't want to date a girl that I can't bring to a bar You go to 18 to 33 18 is fucking small, dude That's really... Did you have 18? 18 to 33 Did you have 18? His girlfriend's 18

How old were you when you did that? Do you mind saying? What do you mean? How old are you? I'm 43 And you had 18 And you were matching with 18 year olds? Yes

Because 18 year olds have some 18 year olds It's illegal, that's why You're right, but where do you take them? Coffee shop, I don't know Disneyland I've taken girls to Disneyland before On a date? A first date?

Oh yeah You're kind of my hero It works What do I do? What are you talking about? Hot candy, whatever You know what I mean? And then how do you get...

The evolution of what Mickey Mouse was over the years And you get laid? Yeah, it's America! What are you guys talking about? Dude, Jake, you're so tame compared to this dude Wait, no, no, no, I'll go fuck somebody right now Jake just starts spreading towards Universal Studios Hollywood I mean, is that wrong?

No, it's totally legal Listen, it was a rare thing, but I call them like little lotteries When you match with a really hot 19 year old girl There's a feeling inside that's like... You know what I mean? It's really satisfying Sure God

They taste different, that's all Oh, yes They taste like life Yeah Now you're talking my language After you sleep with them, they turn eight years older Yeah Yeah, they wake up at 26

That's the only thing Right But how do you go out with them? Like you said, you don't go to bars Well, it's like, you know, there are times... There's two types There's times when you feel like you need a relationship Which is why I'm dating Kalyla, my girlfriend

Right And there was a time where I was like, you know what? I want to just kind of hang around, you know what I mean? So I would... For me to go, oh, it's got to be 30 to 43 It's limited Right, right, right It's not like I match with 18 or 19 year olds all the time

That's true And you don't want a relationship When they do match with me, they're usually like a far more older than, you know They know things like Vietnam War and things you can talk about Right How many of your matches were because they knew you And how many of them are just because you're silly 100%

Because they knew you Yes, I've never gotten laid in my whole entire life Without showbiz attached to it Well, that's great, that's who you are as far as your personality No, it's what I was given What do people know you the most for? What are you famous to people for? Probably Matt TV still

I was on that for eight years Eight years? On Matt TV Jesus I know, it's a long time Were Key and Peele on the show when you were there? Yeah, six years I did work with them Were they as funny as they are now?

Oh yeah, just as funny Dude, I thought the whole cast was amazing Yeah, now like 10 years later they're starting to come out Like Aaron Holtz, you know Yeah He's on my show with me for five years Yes, he's so funny on the Mindy project, right? Yeah

There's people that you don't even know about Like Krista Flanagan is very funny I don't know if you know her, but she's amazing Right There's a lot of us, Mike McDonald is a legend Right, that's so crazy like this show It's almost like starting to become like an indie comedy Yeah

It's like a cult hit now Yeah, it's great 10 years later Were you on the first cast? No, I came in in their seventh season So what 18 year olds know about Matt TV? What do you mean? What 18 year olds know about Matt TV?

It's from YouTube and the people know I mean, when it comes to 18, 19 year olds It's been through Chelsea lately They've done over 80 appearances on that Or just YouTube videos You know what I mean? But you guys now are treating me different Because of the 18 thing

No, no, no I bet you're looking at me now You're judging, you're being judged Very kind of judging No, no, no, no Jake, what's wrong? I could never judge you Especially if it comes to getting late, no

But we're not judging you negatively If anything, you are opening our eyes You're a god to us Yeah It's a new world of opportunity And I appreciate your honesty You didn't back down at all No, I just don't think that like age is a weird thing

I know girls that are like 28 They're like retards Of course Full blown retards And you're like, how have you lived this long? Well, yeah, there's stupid people at every age But also like, what, there's no The law specifically says 18 is fine, right?

Yeah So why are you being harder on yourself than the law? You break so many other laws Yeah, I'm a thief And then you're... I'm a stealer My girlfriend's father Was 62 years old

When she married my girlfriend's mother My girlfriend's mother was 22 At age 62, he married a 22 It was like a 40 year difference How did he do that? He's a beast That's how he did it He's a monster

He's an amazing man Yeah And he was in the Philippines And you know, that's how they do it in other countries 62 and 22 Yeah, I mean that's like I'm a wreck team thinking about it That's hot

It is hot Should we try another question? Yeah, sorry Oh, fuck that So you're saying no pizza picture We'll work on it afterwards We're gonna take you All right, let's get to one more question

That was great That really... It launched us into a whole world All right, number two Okay, a girl, a female question Can you give us a female name? Oh, no, he's stuck Faye

Faye Ooh, I like that EY or AY EY Nice Faye writes We should have a last name Oh yeah, what's your last name?

Coco Faye Coco writes I don't know if he heard anything Or how awake he was when it happened But I'm completely mortified How gross and unladylike is this From a guy's perspective

What do I do? I hope he still likes me after this FML Faye Coco Faye What's up? Bob's shaking his head It's either like a huge deal

Or not a big deal at all I can't tell To me, it's so not a big deal It's crazy How not a big deal it is Number one, you're a human Yeah Right?

And you have gases Just in your body Right And they need to be released Because your body is releasing These glowing gases And for you to Clench up the calamari

To keep it in your body I don't think that's healthy It's unhuman like It's unhuman Where does it go? It's actually grosser If you think about it Like, oh, this girl's never farted

In front of me She's filled with farts Yeah Just like side of her She's filled with farty air Yeah If I squeeze you hard enough All the farts might come out of you

Yeah Your lungs are just filled with brown steam I'd rather you just More if they do an autopsy And they open your stomach And they're like Oh! Yeah

A million farts Surgeon just a little, little cut Do you realize how hard it is Not to fart when you shit? How hard she's been keeping it in? Yeah Nearly impossible Farts are okay

How quickly do you fart In front of your baby? I fart immediately Day one Because I want to just let them know This is the way I am Get over it, yeah My friend Sebastian

You know what he does? He takes a wet towel I already told you this I tell you guys I don't think so He takes a wet towel And he puts it underneath his bed And so when he wants to fart

It's like a small, small towel Yeah Like a towel And when he has to fart He sticks it between his cheeks And it muffles the sound And I excite it Silence

It does work Wait, you just So he shut the Secret towel While he's in bed with somebody He's secretly He has a damn towel underneath his bed Because he doesn't want to fart

In front of people No So at late at night If he has to fart He's married too And he can't fart in front of his wife Yeah He still uses a damp towel

Yeah And then he uses the towel As an ether red Right? That's what ether is It's so much more foul To have a damp fart towel I know

But she doesn't think he farts Damn it Sebastian Can you use the damp towel At least use the moist towel For Chrissy That's the craziest thing That's so I know couples that are like

The girls like I don't want you farting In front of me If she said To do guys Yeah Is that a deal breaker for you? Yeah, that's a deal breaker

If your girlfriend's like You can't fart in front of me Yeah, I'd be like Oh, you're not the wrong guy I think there's like There's probably like A little tact to it To like, you know

Ill-timed farts If I was like In bed with someone We're having a nice moment I wouldn't be like Right And then like that ruins it No, of course

There's timing Yeah Well some people don't know that And I think that's where the couples Come in like Where like Somebody would say I don't want you farting

In front of me Because it's happened to me Just based on the sheer amount Of fart Yeah I'm not like It's not cute when I do it It's often and loud

It's stinky And I think at a certain point Someone's like Just can you I recognize you have to do it But just Try to stop a little bit You've asked me to stop farting

I have You really have Yeah, because me and You're in a relationship Well if they're so If they're so smelly It's so It's rude

It's an assault on my face To do that in our shared space To like You want me to walk away Fart and come back I do that when I have Really farts It follows you

It doesn't matter I mean I wouldn't like Lean against my girlfriend You know what I mean While she's sleeping And put my cheeks against her stomach And just Unload

I mean that Sometimes I act Like if I'm laying there And I like laugh And I fart I think that's like Yeah that's adorable I mean if you did that now

I would think I would fucking hug you I think that's so sweet Yeah But I mean You've farted on an airplane Before and I was like You can't do this

Yeah I disagree What are your thoughts On airplane farts See we have the same theory It's rude Why is that rude Because it's Your discomfort

In your tiny little stomach Like ooh I have a little gas You should go to the bathroom And then Versus like Everybody around you Has to deal with your Noxious gas

In the air For just a few seconds No it's not just a few seconds It's a pressurized cabinet It hardly dissipates Jake what you do is this You know what I do You stick it in your towel

All for a moist towel I lean right with a blanket I'm always with a blanket On the side right And sometimes I'll take my left hand And I'll lift open a cheek So it doesn't make a noise On an airplane it doesn't matter

The airplane is the only time I fart as loud as possible People can't hear it Because the base level Of an airplane is like Yeah That's how loud I can fart as loud as I want

Nobody will ever hear It's just that they smell it But I have done your Sneak it out Spread out your ass cheek As far as you can Yeah I've done that The whistler

Yeah It's called a whistler It was invented in whistler I feel like that's somewhat grosser Like if somebody heard me Doing that in the bathroom Like there's like Pfff

Everyone's like Oh, Jason They're spreading his ass All apart But on a plane No one knows It's just that It's huge

No one knows If you fart in a plane It's you It's a victimless crime It's not a victimless crime There are many victims It's a blameless crime Yeah

Isn't that the same thing? No Of course not It's okay If you have gas in your stomach And it doesn't smell Because you can sometimes tell When the fart's going to smell

Really bad You can tell when it smells I don't have that Oh I know I'll know It's a heat thing A hot silent fart That's a smelly fart

Well yeah It's a loud morning It's not fair to do that on an airplane It's selfish That's nothing It's selfish to have smelly farts On an airplane I think

It is a little bit selfish Sure because People smell it But I think it goes away so fast That like That negativity doesn't outweigh Like me having to go to the bathroom Every time I fart

Well you should probably Yes it does What if I'm sitting in the window Oh excuse me I have to get out again How about this Putting your fixing your sphincter Against that like

Little air conditioner nozzle You know the nozzle That already looks like an asshole Yeah yeah yeah I bet that's like a perfect little Tight little seal You create like a vacuum seal And then you turn it on

Oh you get your asshole All the way up there You put your elbows on the seat Where your ass is What was this original Oh the girl who farted Yeah He probably didn't hear

And also like Four months you should It's time to fart and fart Yeah that's true Yeah also If this was a guy Talking about a girl I can see there's a situation

Where some girls don't like it Not that That's right or wrong But a guy would never care If a girl farted in front of them I would A girl farted in front of you You would care

There was a time Not like I wouldn't care to I mean if he's already Been with her for four months And she's sleeping over Then of course not I wouldn't care

But there was like I remember like Just going on dates in New York And like If poop came up Or farting came up You're very anti-shitting Yeah we just like

Cringe a little bit Like I don't want to talk about this With you just because like You don't like to imagine girls Eating or shitting Right yeah yeah It's all part of the same thing Well I don't really like to

Imagine anybody doing it But I would like prefer Not to talk about it Because it like grosses me out A little bit So like I feel I could imagine like Being on a date

And somebody has a really smelly fart And me being like Okay I'm like turned off now But I feel like Being Bobby's soul is crushing Right now What

I could date like An android or something Because it's like What Dude I'm not saying I'm right I'm I have a horrible opinion I'm a piece of shit

But But it is what he feels Like my girlfriend's never Fart in front of me Because she doesn't want to I don't know I go I tell her

I look into her eyes I go I'm fine with it She's like I just don't want to So what does she do She bottles it in I don't know what she does You've never heard

You've never heard her Nope It's like a cat Going to the bathroom You never see it It's very rare that I do have to suppress a fart I didn't want to fart

And I was just like It was bubbling in me I'm like What is this like Yesterday Indigestion almost Yeah What movie was it

It was like a screening Movie that's not out yet Were you in it No I've only been in one movie ever What was it It was a movie you were in A movie

I've never seen any movie I've been in I've been in some Is that true You've never seen So I don't know who's in what Have you ever seen any of the Harold and Kumar movies that you're in No

No You've never seen It makes Avatar look Avatar-ed That one Yeah That was the third one Yeah

Were you in that I was in that Oh I didn't see it Why You've never seen the movie Because you're Why I've never seen

Not only movies I've never seen anything I've ever done Ever Why Are you going to listen to this No Are you on your mind

No How come Why not Why What do you mean Why I didn't So don't you want to see

How the movie turned out No To at least support your friends That are in the movie There's a number of things That are like negative That would happen if I did that Like to you

Number one would be like The first thing is Is like God I'm ugly Oh my god You have a love self esteem No What are you talking about

You're going to see a picture Of yourself and think God I'm ugly When you're raised I love movies I've watched every single movie Ever made Except for the ones you've been in

Yeah But the thing is is that Like when you see someone Like you know Brad Pitt Or whatever And then you see yourself You're like Oh there's just

Doesn't look right That's what you think of John Cho No John's a good looking guy Yeah I'm not saying That's the Brad Pitt analogy In this movie Yeah

Yeah John's a good looking guy You know And I remember Auducing for Harold Yeah that was It was between him and I At the end And they gave it to John

Because he's a better actor And he's better looking Oh you were going to be Harold Oh in the very first movie Yeah I auditioned a bunch of times For the Harold Wow

And then they gave you the That one scene Yeah But isn't that like It's almost better I mean Oh it's better Yeah he's Sulu and Star Trek

And I'm like playing The chuckle fuck factory And I don't know That's really much better Yeah But to me The guy who steals the movie Because of his comedy

Like people remember you In those movies It's a very memorable role Yeah I mean I've done things like Curb and things And people go You're amazing

Whatever It doesn't I've never been on fire In the business You've never been You were on a TV show For eight years That's so hard

But yeah But back then No one watched that show And it was like Considered to be like SNL's like Stepdaughter You know

But look at it now And my point is though Is that I've never been on fire Right What does it mean to be On fire I know

I load your IMDb And I see fucking projects From 1999 To 2014 I've always worked Right But I've never been like Chris Delia

Where it's like I'm doing everything A break out You're always hustling And you're never like Dodgy calls And like We need Bobby

We want Bobby Yeah Like last week I did a movie But three lines And it's like And then the week before I did

The league And I played an Asian guy With Down syndrome So it doesn't even count We wrote you a part I go What is it They go

Chinese guy with Down syndrome Like And they show up They're like Just don't act Just be yourself Have you ever said no To a role

Oh yeah A lot of them I like Asian accents I want to do Asian accents Like I did it for the dictator Harold and Kumar You did Asian No

No You just play An excitable Like an excitable kid Yeah But no accent And then Curb I did it

I want to do it Like if it's a good thing Yeah But I won't do it If it's You know what I mean Ho Chi Minh or whatever No way

Oh right So you only do it For like Things that you think would Be good No I just would Like if Sasha

Like Baron Cohen was Like can you do this I'm like Yeah I'm not going to Not do it You know

Like if Curb Like Larry and those guys Were like Can you do it I'll go Yeah I'm going to do it Right

But if it's like Anything else Like Like Like you're doing A bunch of shit And you're turning down roles And you're like

I've never been on fire But like You've done so much I've I've had Do it Oh god you're done Do you ever look

Do you ever look back And you're like Oh I'm grateful It could be a lot worse Or do you You only look at the And also I've never done

What my friend I have some friends That like Shot up so fast And so high And then fell So far I wouldn't be able to handle

Right So I'm At least I've like Had a gradual You're steady Slow Rise But it's like

You know Like you look Go to Eric's Stone Street House Or your Delia's house And you go

And you see How they're living Right And then you go back To your house It's almost impossible Not to compare Right

Emotionally You know It's hard not to feel Envy in this business Not successful Yeah Like I used to talk to Chelsea

Handler You know And we'd be like Just talking And she'd be like Yeah I'm going to Miami And I'm taking my private jet To do this 30,000 seat arena

Right They go Oh yeah I'm going to take Southwest Middle Street To like You know Canada

You know But Southwest doesn't even Go to Canada Whatever Yeah I mean That's how Saturday I have to take a bus from

Seattle Yeah And you do have a place Yeah I bought a little condo Yeah So it's nice Yeah

And you got a girlfriend And you fucked a 19 year old At Disneyland No Still It was Raging waters That's good

I get jealous of people That I'm less talented than So like At least when you get jealous You're like I could do it better Yeah You get jealous of like

Movie stars Yeah You couldn't have done that Even if they had not Well like Matt Damon I was born at the wrong time Right And it has nothing to do

With the timing of it It has Well it's already made So how do I make it now Even if it weren't made You don't have the acting ability Or intelligence Or

Well who's to say Physical What do you have you taken Acting classes No I don't need them You're naturally gifted No I'm a terrible actor No I'm not that either

Even when we're Like when we're writing stuff It like holds me back Because I'm like I can't write this dialogue Because I won't be able to say it I don't think you're right You don't think I'm a bad actor

I think you guys are good actors We're good at I think you're great We have to What we write We can't quite perform What we don't That's not true

That's in your head That's ridiculous Next question Next question We're actually We're all sad We're almost out of time Oh is that what it is

Let's do one more question This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you BetterHelp If you're finding yourself in a Difficult anxious stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself Out of that difficult place

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Oh, this is a good one We need a guy or a girl Let me see which one Okay Guy Okay, we need a guy's name Robert Um, Matt

I'm floating in it at that point He's on the phone I just said Matt Damon Matt Smith Matt Coco They're all in Coco They're all in triplets Hey guys

I'm in a predicament for quite some time now I tried smoking weed for the first time last summer I tried doing it with a friend at first Who had no idea what to do So we failed miserably after lighting some Cush in a rolled up gum wrapper in my basement But then I tried it with my sister And her boyfriend who are veterans

They taught me the ways of Mary Jane And I thought it was some pretty dope stuff My parents know about it And are completely cool with it We did it about 10 times over last summer Problem is she is now in college And I no longer have anyone to toke with I told my closest friends that I toked once

And they berated me All my friends judged the drug To the point where I can't talk about it at all I'm not the most popular guy But I'm not a loser either And I have a decent amount of friends But all of them have or would judge me for smoking Because of this I'm very hesitant to tell anyone

That I want to smoke My question is How can I find a toking buddy Or should I just toke alone Help This is some real world shit I definitely want him to stop saying toke so much It's funny because most people are like

My friends are trying to get me to do drugs And I don't want to This is the exact opposite I just want to smoke fun Everyone's judging me saying drugs are bad What weird town does he live in? It's like opposite USA It's pot is

It's nothing Pot is nothing To me it's nothing It's like my mom My aunt died a month ago I'm not crying And my mom was there And she looked

She's like a 70 year old Korean woman She goes Papi I want to try metawana Whoa I'm like cool I'll get you it Because she felt bad? No she just

She feels like she's about to die And she wants to try everything And I go And she knows through the years now That it's not a thing It's like who cares Right Did she try it?

She hasn't done it yet Because I got to be there My brother and I have to be there When she doesn't You should lace it with like ecstasy Or some weird shit Just really fuck with her She wants to throw a wall

Papi What are your thoughts on smoking alone though? 100% What kind of question is that? It's like If your friends are like That's weird Get new fucking friends

Your friends are like I don't even know who What do you live? Puzzle Phil? It's so They must just be young maybe Yeah because when you're a kid It's always don't

Staying out of drugs Staying out of drugs I get the math at 12 And I'm not even lying Is that true? I smoked math at 12 years old Why? That's true

Why? Because it's fun What are you talking about? What is this even question? Is that even real this thing? So the advice is Like smoke meth And then your friends won't

Think weed is that bad Like actually I smoke meth a lot So let's at least do weed, right? I mean I grew up in San Diego I guess maybe I don't know where he lives Where do you live? Where does a 12 year old get

Mesh Oh my god I lived in Poway We had LSD, math, everything At age 6th grade Oh yeah I went to my first rehab 15

So that was okay You went too far You did too much too soon Oh I've done things I've done things that Like I should be able to Dead right now Right now I should be dead

Shit And we're all alive I feel like I had my chance To do stupid things And now I can't Well that's fine You don't miss anything I'm just saying to this kid

It's like pot Well we all miss meth You said meth was fun Yeah meth though It's like it rots your teeth out It's dangerous What's the most fun? What's the good

Yeah what's the drug you would suggest Us doing but not our audience Because they're I mean I would really do Shrooms or acid If you haven't done that You have to do it I haven't done

I haven't done acid Shrooms I didn't like shrooms No you take acid Take a couple of tabs of acid Oh you take both Go to the desert Go to the desert And have a day with some friends

It's mandatory in life Acid in the desert Yes Where do you get acid? Anywhere What are you talking about? I can get What are you asking man?

I live in Pleasantville too Yeah pots Unless he's 10 Is he 10 this kid? No he's probably not 10 Well he can't He's in high school He must be pretty young

Because trying to smoke weed out of a gum wrapper Is insanely stupid Well it could be 15, 16, 14 He's not 10 The first time I smoked weed I was afraid I was like This is too bad

This is fucked Of course but that's good Isn't it good to be afraid of weed Rather than totally Yes so maybe use Easier friends into it Or find new friends that When you say you were a little too liberal

As a 12 year old Don't you think there's I just feel like Just listen I love you too man I really do I love you too so much I love you too

And the thing is This is where This is where we part ways Not until our friendships Are going to last forever No you're leaving this house No I'm not leaving this house either But I'm just saying that

In just in terms of us connecting I'm now on a different path So you are drugs Drugs are fine Just on every level of like For me it's like Now I looked at you two And I had a spiritual awakening

I'm like Oh I'm the devil No you're We think it's cool We love drugs We do drugs all the time There's an emergency I just snorted

There's a drug in here In packs No it's not even just drugs It's just also in like I've done Like before I'm at Kuala Lumpur I spent two months in Thailand And every day I drove

To a place where they These girls ate my butthole What? Yeah I can do that for like Leisure Just like getting your butthole By multiple people? Not just by one

Just by one person This is Does Kalyla eat your butthole? No Does she want to touch you? I love her Oh you only get your butthole Eat my people

When I need power Yeah That's crazy It's a power thing Is that a drug? Yeah Power is a drug Power is the ultimate drug

Look at Hitler in the 1936 Olympic Games Yeah It all goes full circle I have a 12 year sober I have 12 years sober No alcohol, no drugs Say congratulations

Usually people say That's great Wait but what about weed? No I don't do that either 12 years completely sober of everything I feel like Now that you're sober Like your words carry more weight

You're like I've been there, I've done that It's fine You've done all the drugs So you would say This guy was doing meth You're like You shouldn't do meth

It's gonna rot your teeth out But he's like Bobby's an actual authority on drugs Do you miss it? No I'm relieved from it You have fun without it Oh I haven't had it in 12 years

So I don't even know Right Wow since oh I didn't know But I've been sober 12 years before too So I got sober when I was 17 I stayed sober for 12 years

Then I got on Matt TV I relapsed And then they Gave me intervention And then they fired me And then I got sober And then they hired me back Wow

I've been sober for 12 years now Damn Holy shit I know that's awesome Yeah So then like So you had a crazy life From age 12 to 17

I've had a crazy life Since days one But you've And not only that But you've been basically sober For 24 years Of the last 25 And you're saying

You're not like Stay sober like me You're saying Do drugs Just not as crazy as I did them Well I mean If you have a If your drug addiction

And alcoholism is a disease Right And it's I think hereditary Okay Right So it's like Regardless if he has the disease

Or not You're gonna do it anyway If you have alcoholism So it's like Just smoke pot Just try it You know You can't avoid disease

So he doesn't have to find A pot smoking buddy To you you're saying You can smoke alone Smoking alone is better In many ways Because You get introspective

And like you can write good And you know I know guys that Smoke pot 24 hours a day And they're on TV Interesting Memorizing line And they can do it

Yeah That's not how I work Me either Yeah But this kid It's like You know Just do whatever you do

And get new friends Because that's weird If they're judging you Because you smoke pot Your friends shouldn't judge you For anything What if they What if he was doing bad drugs

They wanted to judge him For that Like the meth thing Don't judge anybody For anything But they shouldn't Judging He says he was berated

I think like judging They should care about him Okay So tough love Heroin and meth can kill you You've done heroin Yeah You've shot heroin to you

Yeah But heroin can kill you Right Sure A lot of these drugs Can kill you Meth is It takes a couple years

Unless you're smoking ice Okay You know so much about this Crack can kill you Crack is very highly addicted They're all addicted Yeah But it's like

Pot generally doesn't kill you Ever Alright I think alcohol kills There are more people than pot Definitely I mean I cannot I cannot speak expertly about

Meth versus crack So I'll take your word for it You seem like you know your shit I'm sick I was sick And I'm now not I'm glad you're healthy Thank you

And I'm glad you came on the show No it was really good This was one of my favorite episodes Because it was so unique You just You stood up for yourself And you were different from us I'm not gonna go with the flow man

That's right But I love you guys man With the world With the way the world works This is great Do you have anything you want to plug Before we have to go? Go to

I need more Twitter followers Bobby Lee Live I don't heavily tweet either You don't want to tweet more But you still want more followers Bobby Lee Live Instagram Bobby Lee Live

Twitter Bobby Lee Live And if you have any more questions For me and Jake And maybe Bobby Lee Some time in the future If he wants to come back We'd love to have you back

The email address is If I were you show At gmail.com We're still taking Theme song submissions If you have a theme song for us We start and close Every single episode

With a new theme song Written by you guys Oh we also need No more thumbnail pictures Of our podcast If you are a good visual artist Send that to us And we'll post it

When we post our podcast On Facebook That's it Thanks again Bobby You rule I love you guys Thank you I love you guys

I love you guys This last song is from Luke So thanks Luke And we'll be back on Thursday Bye If I were you The show At gmail.com

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The show At gmail.com Strictly bits They don't play around They cover much ground And some questions By the pound Getting paid

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