If I Were You - 108: Park Sex

Episode Date: October 9, 2014

In this episode we discuss Instagram, cool kids, and public displays of affection.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and Audible.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This episode was actually, uh, how do I describe it, real. Wow. Yeah. No other way. Enjoy. Hey, Jake. Yeah? You suck.

My point is that I've got a lot of problems and I don't know what to do. Yeah, only there was a place that I could even all my problems to if I were you. With the fade out too. You did it for us. Ah, catchy, funky. Justin Tur... Pin! Justin Turpin. Justin Turpin. Uh, I knew his song was going to be good before I listened to it because the email said,

Hey, here's my theme song submissions. It's 42 seconds long and I've attached it as a 192 kilobyte per second mp3. I hope that's good. Oh, so you knew he's like, oh shit. Yeah, when it's just like, hey, farted this together, I hope it works. And it's like a Windows media file that I can't even open. That's when I'm a little suspect. But when this guy's like, knows about encoding and how to make it optimized for our podcast, I'm like, oh, this is going to be good. And it was. It was.

Doo doo doo doo. Doo doo doo doo. And we'll never hear it again. Wow. That's the beauty of having so many talented fans. You listen to things once and I'll never hear that song again. That's the way art is supposed to be appreciated in the moment, not meant to last forever. What about art museums? Paintings? Well, yeah, that's a different type of art. I'm talking about music. You're talking about paintings.

Paintings, I would say is more considered art than music. Of course not. Yeah, art. Art is paintings. Paintings aren't supposed to be permanent either. Really? Actually, I think the idea of a museum is it's not just archaic. It's outdated. It's actually fraud. For what? It's, yeah.

You think not only is it archaic, which I think it means outdated. It's also outdated. And then in addition to that, it's fraud. It's fraud. Yeah. It's outdated archaic and fraudulent. But it's fake. It's fraudulent. Yeah.

What they're doing is an affront to Michelangelo, da Vinci, Picasso, Pablo himself. Is that why you tried to burn down LACMA last weekend? That I was just doing because I was having a coy day. I was high and coy for a day. You got 10 tickets and you tried to light them on fire like a Molotov cocktail. I said, this is what I learned at Burning Man. And now I'm ready to burn this man. And you tried to set fire to a marble statue and it didn't take.

It did not even for a second. Oh yeah. What are we doing? This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me. And me. I'm Amir. And I'm Josh. This is a bonus Thursday episode, so we can get a little crazy.

Ooh. That being said, a lot of times people will be listening to this, not on Thursday. I would say, that's a good question. Well, more people, Thursday will probably be the biggest, the most frequented day to be listening to this podcast. But I would say it's less than 50% chance that you're listening to this on a Thursday. I would say like 20% Thursday and then the other six days are split up between the other 80%.

You're speculating just for yourself right now. You're like, you're turning away from me as you're talking. It's kind of like how. This is what you think about when you say, are you going to bed? In America, white people are not technically a minority, although it is less than 50%. You know what I mean? It's like the highest subsection, but it's still less than everything else. Yeah.

I guess. So we're talking about specific statistical, not really anomalies. I'm really getting tired. I'm legit. It's crazy. But you have a coffee. You had half a coffee already. I know.

It's nuts. And it does nothing. And I'm tired. I'm sleepy. Just hearing you talk about numbers. Math is Nyquil to you. Yeah. Yeah.

Artist fraud and math is Nyquil. No, sorry. Museums are fraud. Museums are fraud. Nyquil. That's museums, actually. It's a triangle. So how does it work?

People write us to ifirusho at gmail.com and they're in difficult places. They need our advice and we try to offer it. Dope. That email address is ifirusho at gmail.com. Let's get started. We have given these people these real emails, fake names, to preserve their anonymity. That was good, though. I did already say the email address.

Did you? Yeah. That's okay. I fucked up. And I actually, I guess we don't try to offer it. We do offer our advice. It's just not always good. That's true.

So we always offer advice. Yeah. So we... Just not to every email. So every episode we do offer advice. It's not to every email we receive, obviously. We don't say that. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. I think we're getting, we're perfecting this intro. Yeah. And then we're getting, we're starting to digress. Yeah. We've peaked at episode 93. Probably.

Okay. I need a male's name. A male's name. What about an artist? Since we were talking about artists earlier. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah. A male artist's name.

Okay. Yeah. Easy. So that's Jackson Pollock. Right. Jackson Pollock writes, Hey, guys. So here's my issue. I'm a college freshman and because of the ratio at my school, my sex life sucks.

But things are starting to look up. I went to New York City and I met up with one of my ex's best friends and had coffee. Everything was really casual and cool. Here's where things get complicated. After leaving the city, she immediately texted me and told me that because of her school's ratio, she's been having the same issue and went on to tell me that when I come back down to the city, we should get drunk and fuck in Central Park. I'm going back to NYC in early October and I'm wondering, should I go through with this?

I dated my ex for all of high school and I don't want to hook up to get back. I don't want this hookup to get me back in contact with her in any way because they probably still talk. What do you guys think about hooking up with an ex's best friend? Thanks. Love. Jackson Pollock. That's tough.

Three issues here. One. Go on. Fucking an ex's best friend. That's true. Two. Sex in the public in Central Park. Three.

Which is sort of a side topic of conversation. Maybe we can just touch on this real quickly. Do you believe in the power of ratios? Oh, this school's ratio is bad or there's too many guys to girls? Oh, yeah. No, it sounded like that was just their excuse for fucking each other. But is there a ratio that's like when you walk into a bar, do you consider that or does it have to be so?

If it's within 80, 20 on either side, you're fine. I guess I don't really think about it because I feel like if I'm feeling confident, if I think I'm looking good, I'm like, okay, I can talk to any girls here. It's almost good to be around a bunch of other loser dudes. Oh, so it's almost better that there's 10 girls in a bar instead of 100? Well, it seems like there's probably better that it's 100 girls. But I think I could make a case for it being okay if it's packed with dudes because I could just look better than them.

So if there's a bad ratio at your school or at a party, you can actually turn it to your favor. Right. You should elevate, just because I think at any school, no matter what the ratio of people is, most of them suck. So if you suck the least, you're like, okay, there's mostly dudes at the school, but I'm in the top 10% of them, so it doesn't matter. It sucks for those guys in the bottom half.

So there's like 50 good girls and 50 good guys, and whether there's 1,000 or 10,000 bad people, that's the ratio. That's what I would say. Okay. Okay. Fucking in Central Park? There's something called the, I think it's called the rat boulders. Oh, you're talking specifically.

Like where they should go. It's called the rat bulbous? No, the rat boulders, I think. Tell me, I'm going to look it up really quick. Have you ever had sex in Central Park? No. Have you ever had sex in a public park? Yes.

A public park? Yes. And it was just nighttime and you were just fucking in a park? Well, I've done it more than once. Total. Oh, yeah, rat rock. That's where you guys should fuck. Google rat rock boulder Central Park.

Yeah. One time it was daytime. Daytime? A daytime park? Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Daytime. Uh-huh. Standing up. I was sitting on a rock. Rat rock. I was sitting on a rat rock. I was sitting on a rat and a rock.

I mean, it's nice to fuck outside. I think I've never fucked in a park that was as populated as Central Park. I mean, that's like fucking in Times Square. Yeah, that's pretty. That's populist. That's a thing. Yeah. No.

You can find a dark rock, like you said. Rat rock. Right. I think if it's, well, if it's late at night, isn't Central Park kind of, why can't you go somewhere? Okay. What about this guy's crucial question, which is, is it okay, or I guess it's okay, but should you have sex with your ex's best friend?

Right. Well, just real quick, I think you could get a room somewhere. Okay. That's nice. Yeah. She prefers Central Park if necessary, go to rat rock if necessary after dark. Wait, why rat rock? Just because I think it's sort of secluded.

Gotcha. Okay. Ex's best friend ever done that? I don't think so. I think all my ex's friends hate me by the time we're like really breaking up. Yeah. They're not a fan of you. Right.

They like hear all the bad stories. So it's pretty rare that this is like, it would never happen to me. Plus all your ex's friends live in Texas then. Yeah. All my ex's live in Texas. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Yes. No. Oh, yeah. Fine. It's okay. It's college ex's don't count as real ex's, right? I think this was even a high school ex. Oh, then of course, that's not even a real relationship.

That's a preseason to a preseason. That's not even a league. Yeah. That was a summer league. It wasn't even preseason. Don't close yourself off to people because you like dated somebody in high school. That's... But this guy's in college, so high school is the one that's right before it.

That's not like he's 28. I know. So I'm saying as a 29-year-old that stuff that happens in high school matters so little. Yeah. I don't remember anything from high school. Right. For me, I was born on graduation day. I don't...

Oh, I don't remember anything from college. You don't have no... You just have a terrible memory. I think I really just have a bad memory. You certainly have memories from high school. Yeah. Yeah. But not a lot.

Not very formative ones. I definitely had memories that like... I feel like I was cleaning out a hard drive recently and I was looking at things I wrote in high school that I felt like really mattered and it was like laughable. And affable. Yeah. It was laughable, affable, deaf and dumb. But at the very least, you shouldn't put too much seriousness or credence on this high

school relationship that makes you not want to bone this ex's best friend who wants to bone you. But he is afraid that it'll open up a passage way back to the ex that he wants to cut off. He's not even worried about hurting her feelings. I don't want to be in contact with her again. On the fridge, you'll text me pissed. Yeah. I don't want her to be yelling at me at any point because that'll mean I'm communicating

with her. I think it's kind of... I think I've never done it either, but I think it would be kind of cool to bone an ex's best friend. It seems very forbidden, but also allowed at the same time. Yeah, yeah. It's the closest I can get to cheating on someone. It is kind of hot because while you're together with that person, they're around their friend

all the time. Yeah. Oh man, you're kind of cute, but I'm with your friend. Right. Right. Yeah. It's almost like it's the closest thing you can get to fucking your sister. What?

For me to fuck your sister, I mean specifically. Oh. Jesus Christ. You know you could do that. Which sister? I don't know. Flip a coin. Actually, there's four sisters.

Flip four coins. All it would take is two coins because there's four permutations. So you would assign like, heads, heads would be Sarah, heads, tails, lies, heads, heads, heads, heads, Rachel. Hannah, Rachel, Sarah, lies if you're listening. And I know you're not. I know my mother is though. Oh dear.

Oh dear. That's why this is just a joke. This is all silly. I would never. You have four quarters right now. Like I said, I only need a two. So if you were a hymn, what would you do? I would definitely do it.

You would do it. Yeah. Of course. I think I would try to do it too because if it's a fun story and you're not actually in, you're not in a relationship, she's not in a relationship. Exactly. And that's the other. It's not like he's just, I feel like if they broke up and he was like, I always had a crush

on this girl. Should I text her? Should I try to meet up with her? Then I might be, I'd probably still tell him to do it, but I feel like I'd be a little more conflicted. She wants to have sex with him too. It's like a mutual thing. Yeah.

I think it's okay. The win, win, lose if you think about that third person, but that's still, you're still bad in six, six, seven over there. And that's pretty, that's each your row level. Yeah. That's a great slugging percentage. I've never boned in public. I wonder if I'm capable of doing it or if I'm too worrisome.

Like am I too neurotic to actually let go so much that I could have sex in public? It seems like. You've got to be very relaxed to have sex. That's why you do it in the privacy of your own bed. Right. I mean. If I'm, you can't be nervous and then also have sex. I guess I can't imagine you instigating it, but I bet if, if you're with somebody you

really liked or you're very attracted to and they wanted to, like the idea of turning them on would turn you on enough that you could at least get hard and have sex. Maybe you can't come. I think that, I think there was a point in time. And when I say that, I mean, I know there was a point in time where an instigation happened. It wasn't outdoors, but it was like a public space. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, we shouldn't do it because I was afraid of someone walking in.

Where? It was at a, like a hotel, but like, you know, like an empty room in the hotel. A hotel in my room. In my room. With the door locked. There's surveillance cameras. It's too racy. Like an empty.

Like an empty conference room in a hotel. Wow. You would, you would have done that, right? Of course. Of course. I would not have. I would be like, if somebody catches me, that's illegal and I'm going to jail. It's not illegal.

It's illegal to fuck in a conference room. Why? Because it's public nudity. It's not public nudity. You were, you were behind a closed door. I think it's illegal to fuck in a public conference room. I don't think that, like, if you got caught though, nobody's like, you're under arrest. They're like, get out of here.

Yeah. A little pervert. Yeah. I think you scurry away. I don't think you get like arrested. I think they turn on the lights and I his it them and I sprint out of the room. I mean, like also getting caught, that would be, that's like part of the fun too. I know, but I was a wiener and I want to, I want to change it.

Who was the girl? Her name. Just zero hesitation. I named her in full first and last day. Actually, you're listening. I'm sorry. Oh, no, she's not listening. She's dead.

Oh no. Yeah. She was shot by the police fleeing the scene of her. Almost fucking. All right. So go for it. Go for it. Run for it.

Go for it. I mean, you already wrote for it. Yeah. Um, next question. Okay. This one's from a lady. Is there a lady artist like do girls paint too? Asshole.

What? I can't think of one. I'm calling myself an asshole. No. I do have one. Okay. Georgia O'Keeffe. No big deal, but I did name her.

She's the one that you were looking at at me made me think for a second. Georgia O'Keeffe was a man that, uh, it's like, oh, shit. Did I did I do something really bad? It's funny. I was joking, but there aren't a lot of female artists. I think there are. But like in the, in the, like the olden times, the Renaissance era, they were, they weren't like allowed to paint.

Right. I don't know. Maybe it was just not. There's actually a popular theory that Claude Monet was, um, his wife painted all of his work. Oh really? No, but wouldn't that be kind of cool? Claudia Monet.

Yeah, that would be cool. All right. Here's my question, writes Georgia O'Keeffe. I've been dating this guy for around five months now and it has been great. We get along so well in person. He's kind, helpful, patient, et cetera. He's even introduced me to his family. I have nothing to complain about, which leads me to think I could just be looking for an

issue because all of this seems like it's going too well. That being said, I noticed on Twitter all of the tweets he favorites are posted by other girls we go to college with, like their selfies, sexual lyrics, random tweets about how horny they are, just all sorts of sexual tweets from other girls. Sometimes he's still favorites and really tweets his ex. I just don't know whether or not I should feel threatened by this. I realize how strange of a concern this is to have, so specific to our generation. I would rather have found weird porn on his computer than discover he is interested enough

in these other girls that he knows to favorite and retweet them all the time. I hope I'm not being overly sensitive about this, but it does make me feel uncomfortable and insecure. How do I handle this? Love Georgia O'Keeffe. Gee. Gee, okay. I love this question.

It's so real. Yeah. It's so specific and it's so true. Millennial. And it didn't make sense. It didn't even exist five years ago. Now it's everything. Liking and retweeting and favoriting.

I'll throw an Instagram into this because that's a big thing too. Do you think it's flirting for a guy to retweet favorite? I think it's the most passive form of flirting, but I do think it's not flirting as much as smiling at somebody at a bar. It's friendly to smile. If you're passing people on the street, it's nice to smile, but then you add, it's like, for whatever reason, it's just slightly sexually charged when you're at a bar on a dance floor. You get a flicker of micro boner.

It's like when I look at my phone and I see who's liked of Instagram photo, if it's you, I feel nothing. And then if it's like a girl that's somewhat interesting, I feel the slightest, faintest flicker of a micro boner. It's like the first, and then you look, she's liked all your photos and your boner is just flickering, flickering the life. It's happening. I do believe in fairies.

I do believe in fairies. You see that tink? It's working. This is me talking to my dick. But it isn't nothing. It's like the first iota, the first millimeter towards boning somebody. It's not nothing. The fact that he's doing this, I feel like this is what I said earlier, which is the,

I said this before the podcast is what I mean by earlier, tweeting or liking and favoriting someone's tweets or photos is the most flirting you can do without getting in trouble. Because it's like, just like this girl, like if she confronts this guy, he's like, Oh my God, you're being crazy. Like I retweet. Are you really getting mad that I retweeted someone and it sounds so trivial, but if he did anything more, it would be actually like a bad offense. And if he did anything less, it wouldn't be anything at all.

But he is doing something and she does realize, doesn't it seem like just saying the word tweeting makes you like, as you're arguing, like you, you favorited her tweet. Oh no. I suck. Yeah. But it's true. Do not suck for having those thoughts. It is, I think if when I was in a relationship, I would purposefully not retweet favorite

or like or do anything with another girl, like another attractive single girl, right? I would like play it extra safe. That's interesting. I think, well, to me, it's okay to favorite retweet, whatever, all that stuff for like to guys and girls, but it seems like if he's just specifically doing it to girls, sexual tweets. Yeah. That's kind of extreme.

Like their selfie sexual lyrics and random tweets about how horny they are and he'll favorite it. Yeah. That's weird. I think if, I think if it's like, you know, there's, there's a bunch of tweets and he's like favorited a couple and you know, it's, it's, it's a little more innocuous. But if he's like just favoriting sexualized tweets, it's have you ever like if you like a girl's photo, you don't want to like just like her photo, so you like some photos around

it. So it'll be like, oh, Jake liked four photos instead of like Jake liked Dana's photo. No, I would just like Dana's photo. You want it. I want it to be a clear public record that boom. When I get on someone, I want it to be public because then it feels special. So you purposefully go out of your way to make it seem like a kind of a bigger deal than it is.

Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. I veil it. I veil it. Well, you're also like, I would never use that like news feature on Instagram.

Oh, where you see. Yeah. Yeah. What photos people like. You can see. I know. You can see what photos people like. It's yeah.

Just that never occurs to me. There's also no other way to see what people like. Like I can't go to a lady's Instagram feed and see what photos she liked. Right. I just, there's lots of flirting plugins. I would love to add to the Instagram, uh, Rolodex. I have a lot of notes, feature integrations. Well, Instagram is a really great tool for flirting because you've got just like the

filters and everyone looks attractive on it. That's what Marty said. He's like, Instagram is the new Facebook. Like you meet a girl. You want to follow her on Instagram rather than on Facebook now. Oh yeah. Like cause Facebook's so uninteresting. It's like, or it's like more, I don't know, you don't share as much on it early.

Maybe you do. It's different. I think you share more on Instagram. Or you're saying, oh, you're saying you share more on Instagram and Facebook. But maybe that's just. But also like the only thing I really care about people sharing on Facebook is pictures. I don't, I've never like look on a Facebook newsfeed like, oh, I want to see all of like her statuses.

Her status. Tell me about your status. Who have you become friends with today? Do you have any cousins? Oh yeah. Here's your family. All right. This is great.

So here's your sister, your brother, and what's your job? I don't give a fuck. I don't care what your job is. Show me the selfies, bitch. I want to see those hot dog legs at a pool. Is that what they're called? I think so. Hot dogs or legs?

Hot dogs or legs. But that's true. I think that like Instagram is also a tool. Like to me, Twitter is like, it's sort of embarrassing because you're like, this is a silly joke I thought of. Is it funny? Yeah, it's like stand up. Yeah.

And but Instagram is just like cool pictures. That's all you ever want. That's all you ever need. I want to see someone's pictures. It's all I ever, it's all you can ask for. Oh yeah. Wait to answer this girl's question. I think anytime you're in a relationship and something's eating away at you, you should

say something. So I feel like the key is maybe to like not let it build up to a point where you're like, you do this all the time and then he'll get defensive and be like, I don't do it all the time. What are you talking about? You're crazy. But just more like next time it happens, next time you feel the inkling of jealousy or insecurity, just say something.

This like makes me feel bad. Or maybe she should choose or not even or, but to build off that, like choose the most egregious example, like the selfie or the horny lyrics, you're like, it makes me uncomfortable that you like that specifically not. You favorite tweets in general. Yeah. So choose one that seems like the most egregious affront to your relationship and then focus on that.

And then maybe that'll steer him away from doing it in general. And always pure heart will go into its saying. This is crazy. This is how it, well, I wouldn't say this is crazy. Like maybe you're like, this sounds silly or I feel silly even bringing it up, but it's going to, but it's weighing on me. And also just not having any expectations that you can't go to him and be like, Hey, it's pretty annoying that you do this.

You have to be like, this makes me feel this way. And if you go off of how that makes him feel, yeah, this girl sounds like she knows her shit. I like this email. It was written well. I agree. It's like it came from my brain. I agree.

Yeah. Georgia O'Keeffe. I have your email address right now. If things don't work out, holy shit. You're favoriting all of the tweets. It is incredible. It's working. You have a micro boner.

She likes me. When you say micro boner, it's the, it's, it's a tiny little hint of your micro boner going up. Right? Yeah. You say micro boner. Yeah. It's a full boner, but you described your, uh, you described your erection as a micro

boner. Imagine like, uh, when you squeeze the end of a toothpick on a table, how it sort of flickers up, but it's, it's that size and weight. Wow. Yeah. So it's just like a flickering little toothpick dick. Toothpick dick. Exactly right.

Uh, let's take a quick break to thank one other sponsor and then we'll come back and have our break. All right. This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you. Better help. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, uh, but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try.

It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with better help. All you got to do is go to better help.com slash if I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room.

This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. Uh, and it's extra affordable. That's better help H E L P.com slash if I were you check them out. Thanks better help. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know

how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace

and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good.

Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. Right. And we're back. We moved. No more solarium.

No more solarium. That house is no longer. We'll never go back there. It fell into the ground as we left. Our home no longer exists. We we've upgraded or just changed graded. I feel like we we it we sides we sidestepped. Yeah.

But it was a lateral move. But I think for a lot of things that we preferred, yeah, like air conditioning. Yeah. Yeah. The air conditioning is nice. It's a comfortable modern house rather than an old cabin type house, right, which I really loved. That was nice.

But now you have your own little cabin. Yeah. There's we're recording right now from my little out house. Is it an out house? I would call it a cabin. I think the branding effort is, you know, you and Marty keep on referring to it as a shed. Yeah.

A shed or shed. The first time I heard you call it an out house, which is just a shit hole in the ground. Is that something that's been going on in the main place? We are. This is I live in a cabin and it's lovely. Is it is it isn't a cabin wood? I think you could call it. This is wood.

Is it wood? It's wood on the outside. What's this? What's this material that like houses are made of? It's like drywall. Yeah. Drywall in a cabin. I think you have drywall in a cabin.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Dude. Hey, more power to you. The acoustics in here are great. I love the shed. Don't get me wrong.

It's a cabin. You're a guest here. Don't walk around knocking on my walls. Listen, I love what you've done with a shed. I absolutely love what you've done with a cabin. There's a difference. But it's much more comfortable now. We're much more less sweaty.

We're less sweaty for sure. Yeah. There's less helicopters too for some reason. Oh yeah. I don't know. There's a lot less ants. Yeah. But only less, not completely gone.

You can't get rid of ants. They followed us. They were in our bags and they moved to this house too. Ants are like the least disgusting you can be while still being gross. They stick to food. They don't travel all over your house and crawl on your body and bite you. But there's still a lot of ants and it's disgusting. Yeah.

I think you see enough ants and you're like, this is gross. You see one or two, whatever. And then you're like, oh god, there's 10 there. And all you can imagine is that just beyond that little crack that they're coming out of is there's infinity ants. Actually, one time I looked up how many ants there were and I found a website that said there was a million ants for every human on earth. So there's like over a trillion ants.

Wow. It's a lot. Like if ants wanted to, this is where it came out of. Is there any animal that if they could communicate and really want to take over the earth, could they? And maybe it's ants. A trillion ants working together. You don't think they could kill every human?

I know they could. Like if they all killed one person at a time. Ants can also, they can lift like twice their body weight. Right. Which is almost nothing but still. But it's like, you know, they're strong. If two billion ants wanted to kill a sleeping person easily and they would just do that. They would wait till you slept and then they would kill you.

I think I'm going to write a horror movie about ants. That's awesome. You should. They wait till you're asleep when they kill you. How can you stop two billion ants? That's the log line. How can you stop two billion ants? And then it's just a shot of somebody stepping on them.

Oh. It was that easy. All I had to do was step on them. But they don't value their own life. There's so many of them. And also another one last point about ants is that I have a lot of hairs on my body because I'm a human. And like whenever they touch something or twinkle, they like feel like, oh, there's an ant and

I like get freaked out. And nine times out of ten, it's not an ant. But there's always the tenth time that it is an ant and that's all you need is the threat of an ant. Like yesterday I felt something on my back. I lifted up my shirt and I'm like, is there an ant on my back? And you're like, yeah, there's an ant. And now like whenever I feel something, there's an ant.

A single ant on me. Yeah. It always feels like there's one ant on me. It's like, I saw a spider on my sheet this morning and I was like, oh, fuck, I get out of here. And then I was like, all right, well, that was one spider. So there's, they'll be there every single night. No, they're everywhere.

Yeah. Unless you kill him, he's going to relay the information that there's a nice friendly human in this shack. Well, I did. The thing is I have a bunch of spiders in this cabin, not a shack. Oh yeah. There's one right there. Yeah.

I went to that. I went to a spider exhibit at the museum a couple of weeks ago and spiders are like, I mean, you all, everybody sort of knows this, that spiders are good, but they're like, they're really good. They eat all the bugs that would be bothering me in here. Do you think spiders are good? Wait till you hear this. They're actually really good.

They're like, it's like, oh yeah, spiders aren't, they don't bite, but like, they're sweet. There's 40,000 species of spiders and like only a handful of them bite. And even those ones that do bite only bite when they're like about to be squished to death. You know what it is? It's bad PR. They just look nasty.

Just like the cabin in the shed. Yeah. We have to stop looking at spiders as evil because they look scary. But the thing is I, there was a really tiny spider in my sheets this morning and I was like, I'm not dealing with that shit, you know, like I saw, I killed it. And then I just, I looked right up to that spider in the corner of the room and all I see is it's staring at me like I killed its fucking kid. Oh.

Oh, I see what you did. Hey man. Was that your, uh, was that your butt? I didn't, I thought it was fucking lint. So I, I'm sorry, man. It's like that spider is just not moving. It hasn't moved in two hours. Do spiders sleep?

Did you learn that at your exhibit? No, I didn't learn that. If you're, if you're alive, you sleep though, right? Listen man, I don't got all the answers. Frankly, I don't have any of the answers, which brings us to our last question of the day. Uh, one of my favorites. Ready for this?

We need another male artist's name. Nick Rad. Nick Rad writes. Look him up, everybody. He's an up and comer. No, he's established. Okay. He's an established and comer.

Sup cunts. I'm an eight. Nick. How dare you? Sup cunts. I'm a 16 year old dude who lives in Australia. Recently I've befriended a popular student. I charmed him with my chill personality, which has led me to meeting and befriending other

popular students. I even got my willy wanked by this 75 cent piece. I swear to God she was fucking mint. Anyway, I am successfully prying my way into this friendship group, but I haven't been fully accepted. So I have an idea. I've done some recon and I found out that there's no big stoneers in the group. So this is going to become my new thing.

The only problem is that weed does not settle well with me. I've done it about four times and it generally makes me super paranoid and really nauseous. So my question is, how do I make my body love weed? And how do I make a homemade bong? Sincerely, Nick Rad. Oh my God, you loser. This is the perfect teenage question. I want to have been so bad that I'm going to get addicted to weed.

I need a thing. And I'm going to do this thing that makes me nauseous and paranoid. The two worst things you can be is afraid and sick. I'm afraid and sick. Now, how do I make a grab bong? I have a two liter bottle of coke and what else do I need? An apple core, some shit. So funny.

He doesn't care that he's going to be like, when I'm car sick, I don't feel friendly or nice. If I'm that and also scared, I don't want to feel those two things. He doesn't need to be. He'll have friends in the popular crowd. Small price to pay for being on the group, dude. I'm going to be cool at school if I can just get myself addicted to this drug that makes me feel bad.

It's so scientific, too. He's like, I've done some recon. There's no big stoner in the group. So boom, I'm in. Only problem is it makes me afraid and puke. Yeah, that's a pretty big problem. Maybe that's why there's no big stoner in the group. I've noticed that there's no people who are afraid and nauseous in the group.

You guys need, you're in need of a stoner, right? Token stoner. I bought this. I bought a hemp necklace and some Birkenstock. So all I need now is to make it so weed doesn't hurt me. What makes the cool group cool? Were they all like this guy? What if they're all not cool?

Like is there anybody who's really cool? Is anybody cool when they're 16? I don't know. Very cute people. Or are they all just these people, this teenager who's trying to be cool, and then it's like if five people agree that they're all cool, then they're the cool group? Or is there an actual cool group and then there's a bunch of fakers that try to join? I think there's an actual cool group, right?

There was in my high school. And when it made them cool. They were the most, the girls were the most attractive. And the guys? I think they were, I'm not sure they were all the best looking guys, but they were the ones that the good looking girls liked. So this is the anatomy of a cool group. It's the best looking girls and then the guys that they are most comfortable with.

It's not always the best looking guys, it's like the guys who don't give a shit. Like in my elementary school, it was like guys that like gelled their hair before I even knew what that was or like got their ears pierced before I would ever even consider doing that. Yeah. Like that's the genetic code. The ones that did that were the cool group. They also listen to music.

Right. I feel like music is a big one. Yeah. Like I was listening to the grumpier old men soundtrack. Being into cool music. And they were like into Pantera silver chair. Why don't you be the music guy? Get into music.

Know where all the good shows are going to be. Yeah. And you don't have to feel sick. Yeah. But you really want to... Be a different kind of guy. You don't have to be the same. Don't get us wrong.

We still want you to change. We still, yeah. Don't be yourself. Well that's the real thing. He can change but maybe like in a little more of an authentic way. You should find something you're actually into and be into that and maybe they'll follow your lead there. Yeah.

And if you're going to force yourself to get into something, get into something... Like running. Yeah. Something that's healthier than... Something that's healthier than weed. And I'm not advocating don't... Like I'm not saying don't smoke weed. I'm just saying don't smoke weed if it makes you hor...

Sorry. You're not horny. I'm horny. Don't smoke it if it makes you paranoid and sick. That's dumb. That's not what weed should do. If it does, then your body thinks it's poison and don't give it the poison to be cool. That being said, I kind of instantly don't like this kid because then he just started

his email sub-cunts. But he's in Australia, man. They're all that cool. Oh, bleaching hair. That was another cool thing. Oh yeah. Did you do that? Yeah, I did that.

So you were more like this kid trying to be cool. Yeah. I think I was more on like the outskirts of the cool crowd because like my thing was that I was funny, but I wasn't like quite cool enough to hang out with them all the time. Yeah. I was never hanging out with cool kids like on the weekends. On the weekends, just hanging out with my loser friends.

And then at school, I would be like kept around for comic relief. Yeah. Would you listen to podcasts like this one if you're 16? Like, were you a comedy nerd at all? I think I was a comedy nerd before high school. Like I had like the Adam Sandler CDs and stuff. Yeah. And I really liked those like, I liked movies more than CDs and stuff.

And I liked punk music and then I liked Dave Matthews. I feel like I liked the popular bands of the time. Yeah. You definitely had the musical taste of a popular kid. Right. But the hot girls didn't want to include you. I think it was just because I was too shy. I think people are friendly if you're like, well, I guess high schools maybe not.

But I wouldn't, I would as afraid to talk to anybody until like people accepted me to be funny and then they would like look to me for commentary. And when I, when people, when I like can tell that people are waiting for me to talk, I'm happy to talk. But if I don't feel like I can't usually interject, I can't like. Which is sort of how it is now. Yeah. Yeah.

We still haven't grown. No. Yeah. Can you tell me about what it's like dying your hair as a teenager? Um, it's sort of. So what is the, the beginning of it is seeing somebody else do it? Yeah. Mark Hoppus.

Yeah. It must have been like, or the guy from some 41 or something. It was like just like a lot of kids in the punk scene were doing it. And then I had like, it was summertime and none of us had anything to do. So like you buy. You lie, Ian, Matt, just like chilling or like, yeah, with your friends. Yeah. Yeah.

You do it with your friends. You all bleach each other's hair. I remember we had, uh, we all bleached our hair and, uh, some of the bleach, like, dripped into Ian's eyebrow. Do you tell your parents that you're going to do it or you just show up one day for dinner and you have bleached hair? You just show up and they're like, Oh, Christ, Jake, geez, you look like an idiot. Uh, what are you saying?

Bleached out. Yeah. So the bleach dripped into Ian's eyebrow and he bleached the half of his left eyebrow. So then out of solidarity, we all bleached half our eyebrows. Yeah. I would imagine being a disappointed father. If that happened. Yeah.

My dad was just like, cause until you're 18, you're his property. It's like, Oh, look what you did to yourself. You're like a dog that got itself dirty. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're ruining his. He has to show you to people.

You look like that. Right. I have to go to his office parties. Just like the Christmas cards going out and I just have like in pukashell necklace and bleach blonde hair, like, Oh, it was a little while I had braces. So he's like paying thousands of dollars to fix my teeth and I'm destroying every other part of me. So our, our advice is don't get high.

Try bleaching your hair and getting into music. Yeah. That's good. And there's hope for you yet. Everyone's sort of a turd. Ferguson at age 16. That's right. Good luck.

Conti. Uh, that's it. That's our episode. That's our time. Thank you so much for listening. Uh, we'll be back on Monday. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions or your own thumbnail submissions for all you graphic artists out there, we've been using our, your thumbnail

submissions when we post our episodes to Facebook, send everything to ifirishowatgmail.com. That opening theme song again was from Justin Turpin and this, and this last one is from Jonathan Gould who said he's had two other theme songs. So this is a hat trick for Jonathan Gould. All right. Thanks guys. See you soon. Cheers.

Oh, real quick. We wanted to give one special shout out to a band, uh, Sick C that we use their theme song so often, Audrey Scott, who's submitted to us so many times, we're going to use her theme song in the next episode, but we wanted to give her bands Kickstarter, a shout out just in case you wanted to support them for being so great on this show. If you go to kickstarter.com and search Sick C, S-I-C-K, S-E-A, you can find out all about their Kickstarter and donate it if you're feeling very, uh, what's the word? Charitable?

Helpful? Chill. Good. Cool? Beans. Yeah. So we wanted to give them a quick little shout out before this episode ended. Have a good night.

There's good news podcast listener. The podcast one app version 2.5 update is available right now, which means you'll be able to directly access all the shows you really care about anytime and anywhere you want. Adam Corolla, Steve Austin, NPR, Loveline, Dan Patrick, and a whole bunch more. Plus now you can play, pause or stop any of your favorites and pick up right where you left off later on. So go to podcastone.com now and download app version 2.5.

That's podcastone.com.