If I Were You - 109: Military Men

Episode Date: October 13, 2014

In this episode we discuss army men, online dating, and anal sex.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com, MeUndies.com, and DollarShaveClub.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, the best podcast that makes me laugh, it gets me too If I were you So if I stuck in a dying straight, I'd email into a man drink If I were you If I were you She was the one who we wanted people to potentially donate to her Kickstarter You can also check out her Bandcamp They have a whole Bandcamp page with the actual song

So thanks, Audrey, thanks, 6C That is our time Thank you so much for listening You think we can convince people who are sort of passively listening That they listen to a whole podcast? Wow, time really flew Yeah I guess I won't even rewind

It must have been a good episode If I don't remember anything, it must have been a good one It was perfect because nothing offended me It was neutral, so it was good Nothing was negative, so it was positive It was a net good Yeah, overall good episode This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet

Hosted by us, I'm Amir I'm Jake There are other advice podcasts on the internet It's not, we're not that novel, right? I don't, yeah, definitely not Yeah, but it is the only one hosted by us That's true So that's the best way to be unique

Is that you just say, oh, I'm in it That's the way it's This is the only time that I do it Yeah, it's one of a kind Because I don't do anything else James Cameron wrote Titanic, but I wrote one too So mine's unique It's the only Titanic movie written by me

Yeah, that's what I'm bringing to the table At the very least, it's only that I wrote it and then acted in it Perfect So how does it work? People write us in with their problems They need advice And so we try to answer it There are emails

That was perfect That was one of the worst ones ever At least it was concise For all of your rambling, it was quick Yeah, I stopped in the middle, so that was good It's, if I were you, show at gmail.com If you have your own questions Do you have some fake names to give these people?

If we want to read these emails But preserve their anonymity? Sure, since we're talking about being sick at the sea Let's talk about famous ship captains Oh, no Yeah, Captain Smith of the SS Titanic Oh, really? Yeah

Okay, all right The doomed maiden voyage Yeah, I feel like all famous captains are just famous because they were bad No, that's not everybody Who's so famous that he's... You know that captain that just was on a thousand voyages and nothing ever happened? Jack Sparrow Is he real though?

Well, let's not give away future names All right, Captain Smith of the SS What is the doomed? What does SS stand for? Like SS this, SS that It's like, it's such a ship Oh, so it's such a ship Titanic It was such a ship?

Yeah, it's smart that they make it Or maybe it stands for seasick Ooh, seasick Titanic Yeah People on the Titanic got so seasick they died Yeah, and then it hit an iceberg I was so sick of the sea that it froze me and I died in it and I drowned there That's how Titanic ended, I think

Jack ended up being so queasy that he froze to death He died of seasickness Technically true I have a thermia brought on by the sea It's kind of a lame way to go, don't you think? He did puke He did probably vomit All right

Hey guys What's up? Thanks for doing what you do I have a, oh wait, this is a lady It could be a lady captain named Smith Yeah Yeah, okay, a lady captain named Smith writes So I've had sexual tension with this kid I went to high school and college with

And last year we finally had sex It was awesome But it was definitely a one-time thing because he was about to join the Marine Corps Since then I moved to Wyoming and started dating a haughty cowboy But the other day I got a letter from my past flame from his training camp in the Marines The letter started out nice but then got more and more explicit And eventually he asked if I could write something hot back The more steamy the better

Though I want to engage in this snail male sex, support America's troops, etc I really don't think my new boyfriend would be that pumped If he knew anything about it How do I let this Marine haughty down without being a total buzzkill? Poor kid's pride is trying to spice up training camp But he knows about my boyfriend and doesn't seem to care Thanks, love S.S. Titanic's female captain Smith I was on this dude's side

I thought this girl was a traitor to our country Oh my god Right up until the point where she said he knows about the boyfriend And now? Now he's a traitor Oh He's a Benedict Arnold And a Benedict Cumberbatch

He's also an ex-Benedict Yep He's everything Uh, is he? He's actually Benedict Two? Two This girl's boyfriend

This girl's suaveo ranchero First of all, Mazel tov to this girl from going on an army man to a cowboy You are a patriot You are an American She just has one blue blood to another She just has a bone of fireman for the American trifecta Uh huh Uh, sexually

Another trifecta is when you fucking eagle A bald one Uh, steamy letters is almost the lowest form of cheating It's like fiction, because it's so removed You write a letter and you send it off to someone I think it's the kind of cheating where it's like It doesn't matter to you Right, it doesn't affect that guy

I mean, even like if it tingles her loins a little bit That's not really a big deal But it's like the kind of cheating where it would really hurt the cowboy So that's why you can't do it It's not like a But doesn't it seem for whatever reason more tame than an email? Um, no, I don't think so It seems way more intimate

Because she's actually hand, has to hand write it Sitting down and handwriting it But what if, what if she got a friend to write it for her? Is that still cheating? I think she should be explicit Because otherwise, if she just has a friend write it for her And he thinks it's her Then he's still gonna write these letters back

And she's gonna be reading them And it's like, oh my dick's so hard for you And it's like, she shouldn't be receiving those letters She shouldn't be writing them with that type of cheatery energy Right I think she should say I have a boyfriend so I can't write that But I have this friend who wrote it for you

Or something like that Okay, so let's say a friend wrote it for her I went out to penthouse.com and I pulled this hot story Yeah So here you go Is it to, but is that to remove for this guy to get off? I don't know, I think that he's not, he can't ask for this letter Because she has a boyfriend

But it's all fiction It's not real Yeah, but would you like it if you're I would love it Of course I would My girlfriend's creative writing, getting a guy off That means she's a good writer Who's gonna go and then go fight for our country?

Yeah, I think that's pretty good You also, I think you want all our soldiers to have as much testosterone Coursing through their veins as possible Oh, it's good Let's keep their ejaculate inside them They'll be tougher, stronger, faster Support his troops His little boys, his men at work

So what would you suggest for this girl to do? I think she could write back and say I have a boyfriend so I can't be engaging in this kind of letter But I think it's awesome what you're doing And I hope, I wish you the best If you want some steamy correspondence You should talk to my friend so and so Yeah, the cowboy

Yeah What if she just writes a story That's not necessarily about fucking this military guy She just writes a short story about fucking the cowboy I'm not saying any of it's mad And sends it to the military guy She writes a story about fucking the cowboy Yeah

I guess he wouldn't be able to get mad Yeah, because it's a story What is this? Oh, it's a story about us that you sent Okay Cool Why am I wearing a cowboy hat in it? Okay

So what can she do other than leave him high and dry? High and limp I'm suggesting that's what she do I'm suggesting she writes something And tells the cowboy about it So it's not like complete cheating It's like I'm gonna write a steamy story And it happens to be two people fucking

He's gonna think it's about me Don't worry, I'd rather be with you I just want to support our troops And if you don't get that, you're not an American Give me that hat Give me that lasso, baby I agree to disagree vehemently That sounds like the absolute worst of every world

No, isn't the worst No, because at least the secret one The cowboy doesn't get mad He has nothing to be mad about But like it will turn into a thing If you go to him and you're like Oh, so this guy I slept with is writing me steamy letters And I'm gonna write him one back, but don't worry

Yeah, don't worry It's just a letter No It's a short story You can't fucking talk about it like that It's fiction, relax How did he get our fucking address, baby? We moved to Wyoming to avoid shit like this

So yeah, that's what I would do if I were you Alright, and you already know what I would do Take my advice Not with a grain of salt But Jake's advice with a grain of salt Yeah, okay We need another captain's question For this other military

This is sort of a military themed episode of sorts Cool So can you give me another captain's name? Captain Phillips Once again, female A female captain Phillips writes I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend

Who is stationed in the military I'm visiting him for his birthday And I've decided that in lieu of a tangible gift His birthday present will be a knight of anal He's always sort of hinted that he wanted to try anal And I've always been curious But he has a really big penis So I thought it might be a bad idea to get his hopes up

Anyway, my question is this How do you present anal sex as a present? I guess this is a question for Jake, come to think of it Do I just turn around and stick my ass out? Do I pop out my butt plug and say, ta-da Please help me out, guys I'm just trying to be sexy His birthday is October 21st

So if there's any way to answer before then I'd appreciate it Thanks, Captain Phillips Phillips Captain Phillips is going to be filled up The correct answer was to say ta-da It was the butt plug one It is hard to present a sexy gift

No, it's not Isn't it? No It's like, I got you something Oh, what is it? Anal Do you say it? I don't think you should say anal

Because anal's not that hot of a word, really I think you should say like I'm thinking about this And I want you to stick it in my ass I want you to put it in my ass So you just say, no card? I don't think you need a card What about a card that says on your special day

Da-da-da And then he opens it and it just says anal Well, what if it's just a card that says on your special day And he opens it and there's a cut-out Oh Of a circle on the back Yeah, and you pull your pants down And you put your sphincter right in the middle of the hole

Yeah, you match up the circular opening With your brown eye I think it's good to write to just be like Koi about it Like, I got you something If it's not a card, it's not like You can let him know that it's going to be Some type of sexual experience

Yeah And then when it's And then, like, as it's coming Then you just say, I want you to put it in my butt And that's the hottest way you can say it, I think I mean, if he's interested, like It doesn't matter how you wrap this gift Yeah, like, it's so awesome to hear

It doesn't matter the way you say it It will be really exciting If that's what he's into Yeah Secretly, if he's hinting at it, if he wants it She could give him an empty pizza box And when he opens it, it says anal in, like, grease On the box

And that would still be fine Yeah, because you would forget about the way you presented it Yeah And only remember the fact that it happened You can't present anal so poorly to a guy that wants anal That he won't want to have anal anymore Yeah But he still gets to have anal

You're not interested in anal at all No, I wouldn't want to So if a girl was like, I got you something special for your birthday I'd be like, oh, sweet, is it like an Xbox? No, it's anal It was that Is that the new Nintendo? All right, so you are

You're a moron You think Nintendo would market a new product as anal? Come on, that wouldn't pass FCC regulations Yeah, I don't know what I would be like I'd be like, oh Would you do it? The real question is would I give it to a girl that really wanted it for her birthday? Right

I guess I would try it It is still sex But Pun intended But How does it work? Is it just the same as regular sex? Or do you have to like really work on it? I think it depends

It depends on a lot of stuff But if it's your first time You don't just like slip it in and You know Yeah, it's not like regular sex It's not big and as comfortable as a vagina It's a long process But it feels like a real victory once it's there, you know

Right, and you can get all the way in as a vagina, could? Yes, I mean not all the time because it's so small Of course So you really have to work on it and sometimes it's uncomfortable Yeah Sometimes you don't want to get to that point where it's all the way in but you can I don't want to gift that Have you ever seen anal porn before?

But those girls are not regular girls Those are not girls trying to get in for the first time Oh yeah, I think the first time it's probably less likely that it gets all the way in And you might get all the way in but like Even if you get all the way in, you can't like Get all the way in and just like, you know Fuck away at it, it's like still Yeah, easing in

I guess it's like the equivalent of having sex for the first time Yeah, probably Like losing an anal virginity Right The other problem is that like, he'll be so turned on that his big dick is going to be even bigger That's going to be a throbbing erection Yeah Oh, I wish I could be there

You should I'd love to see it happen, Mr. Military Man Uh, I guess if your penis is smaller than the shits you've taken Then you could fit that size Yeah, it's a muscle, it'll stretch Yeah Although poop is probably more malleable Right, I wouldn't say poop is the equivalent of a dick in any way

But it is, it does give you a good indication of how wide you can open that butthole I feel like we're not qualified to be talking about like how wide buttholes open I think the thickness of your shit is exactly a maximum size your butthole can stretch Because otherwise it would be bigger and it stretches to the maximum butthole size It doesn't stretch to the maximum size when you take a shit, it just stretches to an appropriate size No, it's like a ball of clay It's like a grapefruit of clay and then you shove it through an opening and the thickness of the tube of shit Is that what the shit looks like inside your stomach?

Yeah, I don't think it's a grapefruit I bet so It squeezes out Yeah, I don't think it's shaped like shit until your anus shapes it like a sphere Right, but I think that like that muscle contracts as much as it possibly can through that process It's not like you're spreading your ass as wide as it needs to be I think the shit spreads it as wide as it can go You can get something wider than shit inside your butthole

I could eventually put my whole fist in your asshole and your asshole doesn't stretch to the size of my fist when it opens Oh, you think you can get your fist in my asshole? Yes, of course Alright, this is... let's do it Let's fucking do this Give me that tub of lube Alright Good thing we keep it near here, always the tub, the industrial grade tub of lube

You do make a good point Thank you I would say the anus doesn't stretch to maximum But it does give you a good indication of what comfortable maximum is I guess maybe that's true Thoughts? I just gave them So...

Your way of... oh, right, how do you present anal as a gift? There's no wrong way There's no wrong way to give an anal There's wrong way to give an anal There's no wrong way to present anal That's actually a good idea if you give them a rhesus And you say there's no wrong way to give an anal And then he's like, excuse me, and I... and she says, it's a meme

That might be the only wrong way to do it I'm no longer hard for you or anal After that weird rhesus pieces based joke Okay, relax, Captain Phillips You're good to go regardless Stand tall Or what do they say in the Marines? What's the stand tall equivalent?

Hoorah Yeah, hoorah That'd be good, a nice way to say it too Or while he's in you, you say hoorah That's cool That's actually cool Semper fi I think we need another female question who's asking about her military man

Okay, let's go with Captain Ron Mia Ham Captain of the US Ladies Soccer Team in 2000 Very good I think you did specify sea captains No, I think it was like 98 or something

You're talking about the one where Brandi Chastain scored the game winning goal And she took off her shirt in celebration I thought that was Mia Ham that did that Oh no, that was Chastain That was Jessica Chastain No, Brandi Chastain From Zero Dark 30 Okay, Captain Mia Ham

Who's also a seafaring captain actually Amazingly Here's my problem, my husband is in the military And gone for long periods of time We are completely loyal to each other While he's away and he watches a lot of porn Which I am totally okay with I watch it too

My problem is that when he comes back home for months of being away All I want to do is have romantic I haven't seen you in forever sex And all he wants to do is first try some of this new hardcore fuck move That he saw in a porn video while he was away Don't get me wrong I'm into trying new things But after not seeing him for months I don't want to dive into some twisted perverted depraved sex fantasy

What should I do to get him to want to have romantic sex? Sincerely, Mia Ham It's so refreshing reading female answer questions They're all nice How do I give this guy a great present? How do I tell him I want him to fuck me in a way that's nice? And all the guy questions we get are like My cum receptacle is an acting right?

How do I just really kick her butt into shape? For shame For shame Men So what can she do? It's really tough Cause you know He's the one that's like away fighting a war

Or you know training or you know Being in the military It feels like he is the one that is going through more of a hardship But that's not necessarily true Because she's also going through a hardship at home So I wonder if she feels A different kind of hardship Right, I wonder if he feels entitled in any way to come back and be like

Alright, I'm like pent up, I need to fuck Yeah, like he has to go from zero to a hundred He can't contain himself So maybe is it like just to do that one night of like crazy fuck sex And like let him get it out of his system And then just realize that like the next time will be for you Or maybe like Yeah, you guys can alternate

Evan Flow saying like But I also wonder, I think if you just told him I love doing that new stuff But like when you come back I think you just, you gotta just say it Especially if it's your husband and he's like And this is going to be something that recurs often Yeah

It feels like he needs to at least hear your opinion And adjust Because right now he has no idea that that is your opinion I think, I'm sorry I'm talking so much, I haven't stopped But here's my last thought on it He might think that like trying this new fuck thing is something that you look forward to He might think that when he's coming back And you guys get to have this like raunchy crazy porno sex

That it's like something you love And that's what makes him love it as well I bet he would really like to know if there's a way you would rather be fucked And then he could do that And do it that way And then like, because I think it's hot to get somebody turned on Like I would rather than like fuck really really hard or something I would rather fuck somebody the way they want to be fucked

Right, regardless of what it is to you The best thing for you is to make them feel the best Right, the best feeling I have during sex is somebody else really enjoying it Yeah Because I'm like, I'm an energy matcher So the ultimate would be if they liked it exactly like you liked it That way they're liking it and you're liking it But I'm also such a chameleon, I don't even know what I like

You're an emotional chameleon Yeah You can change your opinion and it's not, I noticed once, it's not disingenuous You actually just feel different things I know, I just, I really come You're not lying I can tap into any part of me Yeah

When did you notice it? When you talk to strangers, they can just say whatever and you're like, yeah, totally And I'm like, that's not true, you don't think that But maybe you do for that split second You're lying to yourself For a split second Yeah Like if somebody, how much would someone have to, like how negative, how opposite to someone's, to your true feelings must someone be for you to be like

I actually don't think that way I think when they're like racist or something Yeah, when they're mean spirited It happened when I was at that dog place the other day I was like, you know, I agree with everything that everyone's saying And then some dude was like, he said something racist about Mexican people And I didn't, I wasn't like a good enough person to stand and be like, hey, you watched that But I just didn't say anything

That's your equivalent I was like, shut down Like, huh We have to stop talking I can't disagree, but I also can't agree with that I have to excuse myself And excuse you Otherwise you've made me racist by association

Here's the best way to achieve gender equality Is an Excel spreadsheet or a Google doc In which you alternate each way you like to have sex To ensure that there's at least as close to a 50-50 split as possible Obviously if there's an ebb and flow and sometimes he's reaching 52, 55% And you're at 48, 45% That's gonna happen But ideally you want to keep track of every time you have sex

Who's getting maximum pleasure What's hotter than a spreadsheet? Not spread legs I'd like to spread you on my sheets I excel at Excel and let's exhale as we both come simultaneously I'm waiting to excel I think that makes sense, but that's also presuming that they don't like the same thing I think they will probably enjoy most of all to have a mutually beneficial sexual experience

And all that's happened right now is that she's expressed her opinions to me and you Yeah To be fair, I am married to this woman so she's very passively telling her quote-unquote husband I do not know you're in the military, that's cool Yeah, Semper, absolutely Semper-5 for that Very, very fine Very, very fine Very Semper, very fine

A high five, to be sure Yeah, I guess you have to tell him and then see how he acts accordingly I don't think he'll be offended Especially if you offer him what he wants just not right away You say, oh, I like this at first and then this later He's not gonna be like, no! Well, I guess everybody- I'm gonna fuck you as hard as I need to

I guess anything can happen I've been at basic I've seen some pretty depressing movies in which guys act bad So that's not out of the realm of possibilities It's so weird, they don't deserve to have wives You're mean to your wife that you don't get one This is why you can't have nice wives Oh, what was I gonna say?

Oh, yeah, porn sex, that's not real sex, is it? I think, I mean, it's real sex, they're definitely having sex But is there a movement in pornography where it's real? I'm sure Like a guy pumping silently for two minutes and then prematurely ejaculating Is there like that style of porn? Like, oh, I want to see like a nerd- Yeah, yeah, there's every type of porn

You could definitely see that like premature ejaculation porn, 100% It's funny that like, who gets off to that? Is it people who do have premature ejaculation? People get off to shame porn, for sure Like a guy coming before Well, yeah, there's something called jerk-off encouragement Which is like a girl looking into a camera saying like Oh, yeah, come, that's what I want you to do

Jerk-off, yeah, your dick looks so big I want it, imagine it's in my pussy Mom, you stop listening And actually, I'm sorry, you can keep on listening I just, I flubbed that, mama, I love you You're my mama, yay, mommy, sorry Anyway, another type of shame porn But then there's also the type of like, and people can get off to that

I can see that, I understand that But then there's also that exact same type of porn, jerk-off encouragement Except where the girl is like, oh, what is that? You call that a dick? Like, oh, go ahead, yeah, you can finish Wow, that's as big as it gets I don't want that, it's mean to you porn People like it, there's that type of porn

Real life is already mean enough to me I don't need my fantasies to be meaner than reality Doesn't Jeff Rubin say if it exists there's a porn for it? Yeah, well that's like a famous internet It's like Rule 54 or something Where it's like, if there, if something exists there's a porn related to it Yeah, a premature ejaculation porn Like a guy and a girl making out and the guy just starts coming in his khakis

Yeah, probably That's awesome What should I search? Coming in khakis, both with a K Premature ejaculation porn Coming in khakis, I think you could probably do a tag premature ejaculation porn khakis They're probably dry sex, right? Like underwear on 100% there is Tight

Alright, cool, so we're learning stuff So you could, maybe, I mean that's another less direct option if you're into that You could send him more like Girlfriend experience porn Yeah And then it's a little, it's a little more intimate, not just like Outimate Yeah, yeah

Not out to me, intimate Well, let's take a break This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you, BetterHelp If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist

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Oh, quick In real time, that was two seconds Holy shit Lock-ass time? Who knows? An hour? An hour and a half We gotta pay a lot of money for an hour long ad

We should do an ad once That's just an hour Just Yeah, just a sort of a Not a middle finger to our fans But definitely a ring or an index And a thumbs up to the advertising world Would an advertiser like that

If we're like We'll give you an hour long ad That'll piss people off Oh, they'd be like No, we don't want to piss you off I bet you could I mean, there's probably different brands That would be like

I don't want you to do that And then there's some that would just be like That sounds good Yeah Or there's some that are like Ooh, watch out There are some that are so self-aware That like

Even negativeness is good It's good publicity If people are hate talking about our product Yeah, so we can probably get somebody to do it Alright, so the next episode We'll do that I'm thinkin' me undies are nature box Squarespace, actually

Oddly enough What else should we reference? Is there anything that we haven't spoken about That we wanted to talk about for a break? Insomnia? You have it Yeah How is that fair?

Why do I deserve that? That's really funny After 31 years of sleepin' good Now two nights and 10 days I go to bed and I can't sleep Until like 3 AM Yeah Why?

Am I jet lag after a month? The two theories that we discussed were Number one Too much sleep the night before Too much sleep the night before What am I gonna do? Does not ever sleep a lot? I can't adjust that

Right I need maximum sleep Well then I think the other thing Is looking at your phone before bed I think you need to turn off electronics At least 30 minutes before you go to sleep But that would make sense If it were those two occasions and never again

But like if I'm looking at my phone 10-15 minutes before sleep Every night Then it doesn't explain it So give me my frickin' phone back I took it There is a lot of theories about disconnecting Like forcing yourself to disconnect

Yeah That's like my app idea, shame Oh that's true Every time you load Instagram, Twitter Or Facebook on your phone It keeps track of it Then it emails you at the end of the day Like you loaded Facebook 71 times today

And you're like oh I'm a loser for that You loaded Instagram 63 times 20 of those times it was the same Like picture at the top You refreshed it more than people could take photos And then I think it should also This is how many people died in Iraq today Yeah

It puts things in, there's called perspective mode It's called shame perspective Oh then you have an idea of where it's public If it's a certain number it's just posted So you're like at 75 for 24 hours It'll like tweet Hi I looked at Instagram 79 times today Sponsored by the Shame app

Four times in 30 minutes once That was my hot streak You've attained addict status You've attained loser status Yeah it gives you prizes to make you feel bad about yourself Like congrats you get the Instagram gold batch 100 reloads in a day You also loaded Google news once

You loser You meanie You didn't donate to this charity, this charity or this one Yeah is there any IOS developers who are like listening Like I could probably do that in a day We should just do it Yeah that'd be really fun Shame app

I like the idea of saying like also listing You make it like actual into something nice Instead of just doing like This is how many people died or whatever you should do Yeah And this is a charity you donated $0 to Charities could sign up for it If you feel bad enough you're a final

I'll donate $5 You've wasted an hour and sixty Not an hour and sixty three An hour and fifty three minutes on Facebook and Twitter today And spent zero money, zero time or money helping people out You reloaded Instagram for thirty straight minutes And you spent zero minutes volunteering at this nearby soup kitchen Just keeping you posted a breast of your daily digest

Shame app out There we go Shame app Let's do it If I were you show at gmail.com Once again crowd sourcing our talented fans Who are better than us at stuff Please

Cause we have thoughts We just don't have Follow through Yeah ability to do anything with those thoughts Like I can say funny I'm not gonna do shit I can say funny I'm not gonna do shit That's a great title for your memoir

That's my tombstone It's funny cause it's wrong I can't say funny anymore I can't do shit Last question Last one Alright the fourth military based question Oh this one actually comes from a guy

This one comes from a guy So he can use a captain who's a male in real life Captain Ahab I didn't get to say one Oh sorry I thought you were surprised when I said one captain earlier So I just assumed you didn't know me Well now I thought of one Who?

Skipper He was brave and sure To be sure And to be brave Skipper it is Alan Hale writes Hey guys I don't often use dating sites But I did just for giggles one time

A girl sent me her number Keep in mind I'm 21 and she's 29 I saw her profile pic and she isn't the most beautiful girl in the world Go ahead call me a dick Okay I still call her So we talk for a while and she and I are nothing alike Here's a list of things She's scared of snakes and spiders

She is poor She has no friends other than her 16 year old roommate She doesn't drive She has acne She barely has a job She just had a birthday and she made herself a cake Then she tells me she has a military boyfriend And just wants to be my friend

Minutes later she tells me she likes me She playing hard to get or something? The fuck Should I give her a chance? I mean I want an animal lover There's just so many things wrong with her I want to be nice to her but I need your opinion Skipper, brave and sure

What is his life? What does he do? I want to know what you had for lunch today For lunch I had a bag And a ham I slept at the foot of my bed last night I woke up, put a shoe on my head And tried to get on the bus by giving the bus driver a nickel

He said it cost two dollars I gave him a bag of baby carrots I got off in between stops and I rolled home I did some results home Everything is sort of correct but a little bit weird in my universe You had a funny line when I read you this email originally Which is you are no You are no

That's what you are sir Sorry man, you are no Unfortunately as it stands right now after reading your email You're no What's the funniest part Here's a list of things, it's pretty good That's great Is she playing hard to get?

I'm trying to dissect this because I definitely won in The fuck? I love that he's concerned that she's afraid of spiders and snakes Because he wants an animal lover I want an animal lover that loves so many animals They love spiders You don't like her in any way And you're still wondering

You need our opinion if you should pursue it I think maybe go for a girl that checks a single check box She has nothing that you like She's over 30 I think you can find one But keep in mind she's 29 We're not worried about the age She's too old, she's poor, she has acne, she has a boyfriend

More than anything she has a boyfriend To be clear some of these are not necessarily bad Some people are poor and that's fine And having acne is fine too Some people barely have a job It's weird that he thinks every single thing about her is negative and then is still interested Here's a list of things John Quincy Adams had arthritis

She is poor If I step on a blender it hurts my feet She barely has a job Eggs Eggs are technically a thing So Skipper Don't be nice to her Don't be nice to her?

Sorry, so Skipper Be nice to her Don't pursue her romantically You can find a 24 year old who has all these negative attributes And at least you guys are closer in age Just stop corresponding with her There's no need to do it I also thought this was a fake email

And then he's like I attached a photo of this girl And this picture is so real That there's no way this email is fake Let me see I'm not gonna post it but I'll show it to you That's exactly who that should be It's just such a real photo It's taken like on a webcam

It's not nicely lit Yeah It's just a real photo That is a Definitely just a poster That she bought of the Eiffel Tower Like we know you haven't been to Paris He uses poster gum

Oh no But that's people man Not everybody is like us There are people who are normal And they have jobs kind of Not everyone is a famous and cool Unfortunately for y'all We are so peace out mother fuckers

I'm gonna go fly in a helicopter We're alone in a room What? Me and you We're building each other up We're alone in a room Floating on a rock For what?

We make each other happy For why? But at what cost That's it I wish this episode came out on Veterans Day Or something cool like that They would give us a reason For this theme

But alas Actually you know what I think there is a random holiday The day this episode comes out Yeah This is Monday October 13th It's Columbus Day It's pretty good

Who was a sailor Who was a captain Wow That's really That's fortuitous And I just also want to mention There is in a day That we shouldn't celebrate

Our veterans and fallen heroes And active heroes And those MIA Absolutely And can I also mention That I think females We don't even have to talk about Gender Equality

Because they are equal They are equal It's like for me to say We should have a We should have a movement to say That you can sit on chairs And you just do You just do

You just It's completely And can I also add Sure That I support ISIS Whoa Oh my God You

Holy shit About faced That's what I was looking for earlier If you have your own questions That are not necessarily Military themed Or otherwise Please email to

IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com We begin And end With an original song Written for us By our talented fans That opening one Was from Audrey Scott

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When you submit your thumbnails 200, 600 by 315 Toadah everybody And thanks for listening We're out Hello Welcome to If I were you

What can I show That you can get a mirror In my head In my head In my ear And I wonder When I write it When I write it into you

Only what you think You're not going to solve it And answer it You only call me out On a Thursday Last I don't think I'd ever ask you Is too much of a man of

Emotions It's a good thing you come To me That you're a dude Yeah You're a mean dude But think about where This is coming

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