If I Were You - 110: Lie Forever

Episode Date: October 20, 2014

In this episode we discuss threesomes, feline murder, and God.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and Prosper.comSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Joking to me, y'all know who it is. It's Artie and Don. That's right, this is a toast to y'all. Oh, she's y'all. It's a roast. Y'all, that's right, I'm gonna put on blasts. So what do you say to two Jews that you hate, when you got the pinch, taking your girls away? Want to resolve things, mathematical ways, just isn't advice, I'm your gaze. One day, when I walk inside the Starbucks line, when I call to Don, you give me an awkward eye. I struggle to hide my dark night, rising up past my thighs. I'm gonna give a fuck if you see it or not. I'm harder than Jig trying to park a truck when he's drunk as fuck,

but at least the milkman isn't trying to suck no. Wiping right with two iPhones, you think it's hard, bitch. I'm a beast in that regard, me and my match, and you're allowed ass motherfucking parking dogs. I'm stuck in a conundrum that cannot find my escape from. With the girls in action, tin of full of magic, still can't find love. Asking here or now, she's getting real. Questions and answers are herself surreal, just like in hand jobs in the back of a bus way out in Instagram. I'm paving, I'm like an etiquette unshaven, and one dad's failed expectation.

Here to mend all your broken relations, a cross-a-nation. The moss you budge, just be patient. Best advice is when they're beefing. Twice a week is worth waiting, toadah. Nowadays, everybody can't talk like Kobe in the background. They're lost motherfuckers caught up paying advice, just seeking some advice. If I were you, show at gmail.com. Nowadays, everybody can't talk like Kobe in the background. They're lost motherfuckers caught up paying advice, just seeking some advice.

If I were you, show at gmail.com. Freestyle. Yo, J and A, this is Artie and Don, hashtag dope. They freestyleed that? Yeah. That's crazy. Nowadays, everybody want to talk. Yeah. And they did. Artie and Tom? No, Artie and Don, it's two guys. Artie and Don. I think it's two guys named, oh, one guy named Artie and the other one named Daniel. But today, but together they're Artie and Don, or as one unit called Artie and Don.

Artie and Don. That's a cool last name. Artie and Don. I'm Jake, Artie and Don. That's my new shit. What do you mean? Your last name is Artie and Don now. Artie and Don. They wrote you a song, you like their name. That's still the name. Good song, I want your name for to, now or even. You wrote me a song, I take your name.

I think that's good. I think that's both of those things favor you. Thank you for this. I think every decision you make is selfish. Instead of each person getting one, you just want two things for yourself. You take more, you take more. There's no give and take, it's just take, take. Take and take, take and Artie and Don. So here's a song you say thank you in addition to the song or to pay you back.

I want your name. Yeah, sort of mild to my part. You guys give me a song, I'll take your name. It seems like a tit for tat thing, but it's just a tat for tat. It's just a tat, tat. Yeah, it's a tat for tat for humanity. This is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us, I'm Amir. I'm Jake, Artie and Don.

And that was Artie and Don. Every episode starts with a new theme song. That wasn't going to be the plan. We just delayed choosing one until that was a theme. Yeah, we realized that some people would make theme songs. That's amazing. That's the best part about having a podcast is that people write songs for you. And now people started drawing thumbnails for us.

Yeah, for our podcast. When we post a Facebook, if you have a thumbnail, this one guy, August Polite, has just been dominating, doing like original artwork for every episode. So if you got something good, send it to us too at ifireashowatgmail.com. Do you notice that I'm wearing headphones now? Oh yeah. Yeah. Well, I guess I didn't because you had to ask me. Now I notice.

Thoughts? It's interesting. You've become a full-on audio nerd. Yeah, at a certain point I'm just going to stop hosting the show and just be the engineer, the producer really. Yeah. Thank God. And I'll get a new co-host. Yeah, who are you thinking?

Allison Williams. Okay. That was so quick. Like you already thought of it. Like we're already emailing each other. So did you approve the Allison Williams idea yet? How does it work? We get emails from people who are in difficult places in their lives.

They need our advice and we try to offer it on this show. We don't try to offer it, we do. Oh yeah, and we offer it on this podcast. How do you listen to it? Great question. Well, you're doing it, so you already know. Way to go. Yeah, that's the one thing.

If you're listening to it, the one thing you have in common with everyone else listening to it is that you all know how to listen to it. There you go. You all figured it out. The hard part is getting people who can't figure it out because how do we talk to them? How do you talk to someone who doesn't know how to use the internet over the internet? How do you talk to somebody you hate? Yeah, does anyone try to bring trouble your way?

Just show them a table and WA. Oh, that's what we can do. We can go door to door. Just showing them a table and WA. Table and WA, yeah. Right. So like, I'll come by your house. One day.

With a walk-in on. Yeah, with your walk-in on. Yeah, I actually caught a guy. Was he giving you an awkward eye? He wasn't. No. He didn't get it from the song. So these are real emails that we're going to be answering from real people, but we're

going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Anonymity. I'm an anonymity. To see an enemy. It's an anonymity. Anonymity. With you see an enemy. Don't make me a friend.

I want to be an enemy. What? So bad. Extra bad. Worst you've ever done. Best you've ever had. All right, this is a chess question. So maybe the theme today can be chess people.

So like this person's name will be Gary Kasparov. Of course. Yeah. So Gary Kasparov writes, hey guys, I'm writing you to ask advice concerning a particularly sticky situation. I'm the undisputed best player on my university chess team, which is great, but there are just this one problem. My girlfriend of two years doesn't take my skills seriously whatsoever.

And every time I spend hours analyzing my games or studying mid-game tactics, she tells me I'm wasting my life. This has recently bubbled up to an unavoidable apex as I am planning to play in my annual yearly university chess tournament hosted between the two local universities in my city. The tournament is very competitive and my entire class is very competitive. My girlfriend, however, recently told me that I can't miss a dinner plan with her parents scheduled for that same night, planned out after the tournament, mind you. I have told her that she will have to tell them to switch the date, but she is insisting

that there's nothing she can do, and if I choose the tournament over her, we're practically done. What the hell can I do? I feel like I'm a few moves away from being sexually deported. While also being pressured by my entire chess club. Is my girlfriend right in giving me an ultimatum? I do admit I breathe chess and practically think in algebraic notation, but I still feel like she should respect my passion.

Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. PS, if you don't believe that I'm a beast in the chess regard, here's a snippet of one of my recent blitz tournament games. And then it's just four lines of my mind. In the chess regard, here's a snippet of one of my recent blitz tournament games. And then it's just four lines of notation I can't read. Queen XB5 plus KC828. Oh, that's a good move.

KC8 or KC28? Yeah, KC828. Actually KC828. Wow. Yeah, this is a Rook Bishop gambit. I mean, he has pulling on all the stops. Wow. He ended up, yeah, he ended up checkmating it in what appears to be, I don't know.

Checkmate? And tell her to check her hate. Oh, that's good. Thank you. That's freestyle. See, I'm an enemy, I'm an enemy, I'm an enemy, I'm an enemy. You're a joke, Blumenfeld. You're a joke, man.

And not even a joke, man. You're a joke, common man. You're a joke, man. I'm a jokesman, man. Not a business woman. So who's in the right here? Kasparov or his lady? I think Kasparov.

I think he's got a passion. I think his lady doesn't appreciate it or him. She should celebrate the fact that you want to play in this chess tournament, that you love chess. And I think she's a little duty head, I honestly do. I think she's a duty. She's being a duty head. You're being a little bit of a turd burger.

But I think ultimately being a turd burger is a little bit better than being a duty head. This sounds like a sitcom premise. It was just like a huge annual tournament at the same day as my girlfriend's parents date. Maybe he can rush back and forth between the two. That doesn't work. And you know what? The third act.

The third act is the girlfriend. It's the girlfriend eating hot dogs in the stands of the chess tournament, cheering him on for dinner. This is what I see it is. They're at dinner and then the girlfriend's just really railing into this guy. And she's like, I'm so glad he's not at that stupid tournament, right Gary? You realize that it wasn't for you. That was a child's game.

And he stands up and he goes, no, this is a child's game. And then he checkmates the salt shaker in front of her and runs to the tennis tournament. And when he enters... Tennis tournament? Oh, chess tournament. It's a huge triumphant moment for him because he told his abrasive lady main squeeze to go eff herself. Oh, so you're saying...

I feel like we're writing different shows because you're sort of writing a movie where the girlfriend is the villain. Yeah. I'm writing like an episode of TV where the girlfriend's a good character but she's making a bad...she's like being a bad person right now. And she can grow and they can...there's still hope. You know, it's a good idea. Let's add a character where there's a chess...a lady on the chess team.

Oh. And so he's close to her but only as friends, you know? Right, right, right. And she's like, well, what do you even see in your girlfriend? That's a real movie. That's a real movie. I like this. It's called Checkmate.

And it takes place in Prague. So Czech is spelled C-Z-E-C-H. Oh my God. That's really cool. So it's about a Czechoslovakian chess player. Okay. And his mates. Yeah.

His mate. And his best mate. Yeah. And he's also a Czech-Czech player. Yeah. Czech-Czech player. Yeah. Czech chess.

Yeah. Czech chess. Oh. And you know what? Maybe the rivalry with people playing checkers. Oh. So the Czech chess people hit the checkers. Yeah.

The checkers. Yeah. Checkers is their team name and it's also spelled like that. They only drink coffee mate. Yeah. So... So I think this lady is the villain. Maybe...

Well, let's try to think about things from her perspective. My boyfriend is upset. Well... If your boyfriend was obsessed with something, maybe chess, maybe something else, and was taking so much of his time, maybe her way of showing it is by saying that it's a waste of time. Right. It seems like she should stop making, like, that's a pretty grandiose overarching statement.

Like, this is a waste of your time versus I think you should focus on some other things as well. Like, our relationship. Me. You know, it's okay. Like, maybe sometimes people are obsessive and like, he's not giving her any attention and she does deserve attention. That's the relationship.

So maybe... Well, I mean, we're giving him advice, right? Not her. Yeah. She should deal with it differently. And you, if this is happening to you, maybe you, one, say, fuck this, I am in a relationship with chess, not you. Yeah.

Or two. Look, I like you. You have to appreciate my passion. Two things. One, ultimatums are always bad. Right. I think you've said that before. You just sort of have to state your case and let them decide for you.

If you do an ultimatum, even if they choose your side, it's because you've made an ultimatum. Yeah. Yeah. You never want to issue an ultimatum. Three, what do you think about this for the closing scene of the movie? He wins the chess tournament. Then he goes up to the girl, the friend, right, in the chess team. And then she's like, oh my God, congratulations.

And he kisses her. And then she's like, wow, how did you know I wanted that? And he says, I always think three moves ahead. Then he slides his hand down her. She's wearing like a skirt. And he, he doesn't finger her, but what he removes is the shiniest. It's almost like production wise will dip his wrist in Vaseline. Jesus Christ.

It is just almost like a woman holding a torch. It is that shiny. His hand is a beacon. I want to say it's a beacon almost. That's how. I thought it was pretty decent up until the move where he publicly rubs her vagina. Oh, really? Yeah.

You think he should go further? I think maybe you're going to, you're going to regret saying that. I'm not even talking about the movie anymore. I'm just talking about as a human pitching an idea publicly that what you're doing is describing the public fingering. Uh-huh. Yeah. I feel nothing.

I feel no remorse. No shame. No objection. Right. It's these headphones. I don't know. I feel like I'm in my own little bubble. You're talking yourself off your heart.

Yeah. Shini myself. It doesn't make sense. Where did it come from? So, what should we tell this guy? I say tell her respectfully that you're going to do what you want to do, that you love chess and that you would love it if she were on board. And maybe also, just as a little side note, Mr. Turgberger, if you want to just do a little

bit of- Why is he a Turgberger? I'm just like, I'm speculating. I'll admit that. I think he's saying like, I breathe chess and then he like signed his email with four lines of code that he must have known we wouldn't have understood. It shows almost like a lack of awareness on his part. Yeah.

That like maybe not everyone loves chess as much as you do. So dial it back and try to talk to her and show her attention in other ways that aren't chess related. But I'm just saying that as a side note because I think that your passions should be celebrated in a relationship. I just think there might be a balance and that's for you to explore, buddy. What do you think the best amount of passion to show for like, did you have lady friends that never watched any of your videos, that never listened to any of your podcast or were

they somewhat into it, somewhat not? You don't want them to be fans, but you also don't want them to ignore it entirely or you don't care if they ignore it entirely. I think I would probably care if they ignored it entirely if they like never saw any- Because like my work is part of who I am. So I'd want them to like, I guess maybe I'd care most of all if they just thought I was funny in general. Right.

If I was with somebody that like I've made jokes and they were like, oh my God, shut up. I would be like, why? Yeah. Why then? Are we doing this? That's all me. So like in a way, maybe like them watching my stuff is like, hey, I think you're funny.

I think your career is valid. You're right. They're good. They at least like it. Yeah. They don't necessarily watch everything. You've been with people who thought you weren't funny at all. You mean in relationships?

Yeah. I'm sure in the beginning everyone has to think I'm funny. Right. Because like if you don't think I'm funny, what else are you, what are you into at this point? I just, especially like a couple of years ago when you weren't even in shape. I just like your, I don't know, teeth. You're not funny, but I guess I like your, I don't know, what else is there to your,

the pie chart that makes up your human body. I guess maybe in any relationship, like your, your jokes will get old after a long time. Yeah. That's what it is. It's definitely like if you hang out with me every day for two to five years, I'm probably going to be less funny. Right? Yeah.

And then like they're around like other people are just laughing so hard at your jokes. Yeah. I've heard that one before. Like he's not that funny. Oh man. I have a great story. I wonder if I can tell it. I think I can tell it.

It doesn't really matter. I was in a house and I was in a car with a bunch of friends. Was I there? Yes. I think so. Yeah. I think it doesn't matter. But just, you know, being in like a wacky mood, you know, sometimes I'm like on a roll.

Yeah. Yeah. So I was on a roll just making a lot of silly jokes. People were loving it and she was not having it at all. And then I think at one point she was like, geez, you really like being the center of attention. Jesus. And I was like, oh, that's so soul crushing.

I think we need to discuss not being together anymore just because of that one statement. You were like, you're so happy. Yeah. I'm at the high. People are laughing at me. Yeah. Another way to look at that is, geez, people think you're really funny. Look at this car full of people laughing.

That's the most positive way. See, that's what you think the first three months of relationship like, look at the guy I got. He's making people laugh. By year X, you're just like, all right, I get it, dude. No. I protect myself against these feelings. That like breaks my heart.

It really does. But now I'm not together with anybody. And are you happier? Yeah, I'm thrilled. I think you're funny all the time. I've been around you for like nine years and I think, yeah, this is, I still think you're hilarious. Thanks, dude.

I love you so much. Fuck. Noise. Fuck that moment. Where I said I love you so much, then there was silence. That moment sucked. That was the worst second of my day. By far.

Deflating. And I stubbed my toe. It's deflating to say the least. God, the worst moment of my day actually happened like five minutes ago. There's spiders falling all over me inside the cabin. What happened? I was watching, I'm trying to watch the windows of the cabin, right? Of course.

Trying to watch the windows. So I went outside around the back of it and I was scrubbing the windows and I just looked up at this overhang and they were just like, and keep in mind, I'm not afraid of spiders anymore. I know that they're good. And there are three spiders in three different corners of the cabin that I'm letting live and I let them spin their webs because I know they're eating bugs and I think that's great. But under this overhang, there were just so many spiders.

That being said, and I really, I didn't kill any of them, but I felt very scared and uncomfortable. My heart was just racing as I'm scrubbing the window, like cut me out of here. I was fearful that moment. I was. Keep in mind, I'm not afraid of spiders, but I was scared. When they're like individual, I'm not afraid of them in those kinds of numbers. Yeah. I don't like them.

I have a fear. I'm afraid. All right. Let's go to the next question. Do you have another chess player's name? Bobby Fisher. Oh, great. Bobby Fisher writes.

He's anti-Semite. I don't want to support him. Like I said, long time listener, first time writer, yesterday, I found myself in a rather sticky situation. I love doing sick tricks on a trampoline and I also love to jump on it. I was bored at the time, so I decided to put my mom's favorite cat. She's 18 years old on the trampoline with me. As I began to jump, Milo bounced violently and tried to get off, but couldn't because

the trampoline has a net around it. He was only panicking for several seconds and just as I was about to take him off, he had a heart attack or something and died. I secretly buried him in our woods and have no idea how to tell my mom that he's dead. Mostly because I love my mom and I don't want to make her sad or disappoint her. Help please. Of course you need help. I don't want to make my mom sad.

The guy is just so clear. I love doing sick tricks on the trampoline. I also love to jump on it. Yeah, I love that. That's the kind of joke we do. It's like a very detailed thing. And then in addition to that, the vague version of that, like I love painting fruits and people. I also I also like art.

I don't. You tortured a cat. You're a cat murderer. It was sort of a friendly email, but you did torture a cat and you're a cat murderer. But the cat was like, I like torturing small animals. Also, I'm a sociopath. No, it's not also it's and I'm a sociopath. Would you say your mother?

Never tell your mother. Never tell your mother. You don't have to tell your mother. Never do. OK, so I'm singing along. This is like where we deviate from sitcoms. Like if this were an episode of the Brady Bunch, the guilt of killing the cat will eventually force Bobby or Peter Brady to confess.

Oh, mom, I killed your cat by accident. Visited by the ghost cat. Yeah, yeah. It's like, where is she? Did you hear her? No, it's the beating of that hideous heart. It's like the telltale heart where you kill someone and then the guilt forces you to confess. What you have to do is to press that guilt.

There's no there's no beating heart. You if you can fight that fight that urge to be decent. Yeah, you can lie forever. I think since you were already a cat murderer, it's not a huge ask to ask you to hide the murder. Yeah, what you already did the hard part, dude, you killed the cat. That's so much harder than what we'd be able to do. We'd be able to do right.

I can't kill a cat. No, dude, no, you tortured it. You find cat on the trampoline. You you made it scared. Yeah, you also had to have known its age. Eighteen years old, that cat borderline your brother. What? That 18 is his whole life with that cat.

Yeah, his whole life. That cat's been around at 18. He's a human for that. And but I'm serious, I lie forever, lie forever. So the easiest thing to do right now is to just never tell your mom. Yeah, what what good can you have already done the evil thing? I think coming clean and telling your mother that you murdered the cat is more mean because it ruins your relationship with your mom.

You're forever the cat killer. Yeah, at least now you could be like sympathetic. I'm sorry, Milo's gone. I'll go around, put up posters and then maybe you come back from the woods, holding his dead body and you say, I found him in the woods, mom. Yeah, I'm so sorry. Let's give him a proper burial. I love you so much, mama.

There's mama found him in the woods. I found Milo run away. Mama, it seemed like he was shocked like someone kept bouncing up and down, not on a trampoline, mama, but maybe on something else, mama. Like a bungee. Let me cheer you up, mama. I'll go on the trampoline, mama. Well, come on the trampoline with me, mama.

You know, I like to do. You're not getting off the trampoline. The shut the door, bounce, bounce violently. Kills his mom. He's a trampoline killer. You murderous demon. Is there anything to the nice, obvious advice of you have to come clean, you have to tell your mom.

But then what good, like Milo's not going to be come back alive. He's she then the mom's like, OK, my cat's killed. My son killed it. He's a sociopath. He took the cat onto the trampoline and tortured it. Laugh forever. Lie forever. That's my advice.

Lie forever. That should be I really would like to see that on the T-shirt. Oh, what T-shirt on the T on the T public on a T-shirt. Oh, lie forever. Lie forever. Maybe that'll be the lie forever, just like Milo. Lie in the woods forever. Rest in peace.

No, lie in peace. You'll get over it. The guilt won't the guilt will not tear you apart. I guess I would also do the same. Why? Why would I confess? Yeah, yeah, damage is done. Yeah. So that's to lie forever's and zero tell the truth.

There we go. We are raising a generation of terrible humans. Here's a fun pun. The telltale fart. That's good. And he keeps hearing that fart. So he kills. OK, another movie or a TV episode.

He kills a really gaseous, gluttonous guy, like a guy that eats ribs and he's just like eating burritos. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah. And then you want to hit him over the head with a shovel or whatever. He's dead. He buries him under the under his floorboards. Right.

Then he has another guest over or his wife comes home. He's on little tits. Yeah, but she can't hear it. But it's underneath the floorboards. It's like and he can't take it anymore. It's not the sound. It's the smell. Oh, yeah.

And it turns out he's actually decomposing, but down there. So that makes sense. We're good at improv. All right. One more question. No, no, sorry. Let's get one more question before the break. Nice.

We need another guy's name, a chess player. It's a fucking real tall order when you came up with this. I got one. Who? Deep blue. What the fuck is that? That's the machine, the IBM machine that Casparov played in chess.

Awesome. You want to know something funny? Yeah. Like Casparov won once and then the machine just destroyed him. Every single time. Yeah, they're just like, yeah, the machine's better. Obviously, he's better. He's a machine.

Right. Sorry. That makes sense. We're at the point where they're better than us. Get used to it. OK, Deep Blue writes, a couple months ago, my girlfriend asked if I would have a threesome with her and her friend. Her friend's a fucking whore.

And of course, I said yes. Since then, we've done it a couple times. And I'm starting to notice that it's mostly girl on girl. The last time we done it, which was about a week and a half ago, I noticed that my girlfriend mainly focuses on her friend and not me. They're into some crazy kinky shit. And I'm starting to worry if she's

doing this to let me down softly because she's a lesbian. Do you think I should end it now or continue to have these fucked up threesomes with these two smoke shows? Thanks, guys. And a huge shout out from Dublin, Ireland. All right. Love Dublin.

Dublin up and Dublin. Nice. Dublin down. Yeah. So? It sounds like you have an awesome situation going on and you're being a little bit of a bitch. Like my girlfriend's not paying attention

at me during your threesome. Yeah. Fine. I would love to have be ignored during a threesome. So you pay attention to the friend, and then you're having a threesome. Yeah. And she's not letting you down softly.

That's the nicest way to do anything. Right. I wish people let me down softly by giving me a threesome. Dude, this is amazing. She's like, so maybe she's bi. I don't think she's a lesbian if she still wants you to be involved. Even if she's a lesbian.

What's the alternative? Yeah. Just fucking pay this. You know what? I'm done. You're not paying enough attention to me during the threesomes. You should have just broken up with me

when you had the chance. But to do it like this with a threesome, that's actually incredibly nice. I do appreciate that. The low blow. How many threesomes would you go to? Is there an end to the amount of threesomes as you get phased out of the threesomes?

At a certain point, you're just watching your girlfriend hook up with another girl. Which is fucking no. So until they like full on don't let you into the room during the threesomes, keep going. They have to lock you out for you to say, OK, we're not in a relationship anymore. And at that point, hey, at least you've

already had the maximum amount of threesomes. There you go. Because threesomes, they're not a right. They're a privilege. For sure. I'm 31. I haven't had a threesome. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't. And what if your chances of having a threesome probably go lower every year, right? By the second. Yeah. Every day I don't have a threesome is another day I'm closer to death without ever having a threesome.

So if you're listening, ladies, and want to have a threesome with little granddaddy blooms here, I mean, I never had a threesome in my day. Putting on my mouth guard. That should be the new like, if we're both single when we're 35, let's just get married. It's like, all right, if neither of us have had a threesome by the time we're 35,

let's just like an. So I would have a threesome with you. Oh, no, not that kind. I know. I'm sorry. Yeah. I know what you want. But I'm just saying.

The offer's on the table. Yeah. Me, you, and another dude. Right. Yeah. A lemon party of sorts. So, sir, I bet you're young. And you think that if you can walk away from this threesome

and another threesome will happen. You hear this all the time in the NBA. Like, oh, I was in the championships at age 19 and I just thought it would always happen. It would always be easy. And then I'm 36. I'm retiring. And I never got back to the playoffs.

Right. Easy come, easy go. So why don't you come on those hoes? That was so. Decrating. Yeah. Unbelievable. Sgt.

Nisdhe. Chauvinist. That was unspoken, uncalled for, actually. It was very spoken, unfortunately. So your advice, what would you do if you were him? Keep on having threesomes. I can't believe I have to fucking tell you to do that. Is there an amount of threesomes that you could have

that you would say, all right, I think we're done here? No. I guess it's hard to say. You could probably get desensitized to everything. But if you're not having threesomes currently, then you can't even fathom an end. Yeah. It's like when you're really hungry

and you see a lot of food, you're like, oh, I can eat this forever. But soon you'll get full. I guess so. And then that food will look disgusting to you. That's not how threesomes work. Yeah. There's some.

That's not how sex works. I don't think. I'm infinitely insatiable when it comes to my appetite for that threesome. Have you had a threesome? Fuck yeah, dude. How many? All right, couldn't lost count.

Two. I lost count, but only because I didn't count the first one or the second. That's all I had. Pro, good. Anything bad about it? There's nothing bad about it. There's nothing bad about a threesome.

Yeah. And if somebody was paying not enough attention to me, that would be fine because I could stand there and watch and it would be fucking incredible. The worst part about a threesome, the worst thing that could happen to a threesome is that two ladies are having sex in front of you. Yeah, which is amazing.

Yeah, the worst part about a threesome is the best part about my life. I think the worst part about a threesome would be like coming too early. And then you're like, you ruined the fun because it could have been like an awesome experience for everybody and you like got too excited. You nutted and then you're like, OK.

How do you avoid that? Isn't it the most sexually exciting thing in the world? And then how do you possibly contain yourself? Some people can't live up to the pressure, man. That's why they don't deserve to have the threes. For me, that's my time to shine. Tom Brady in the fourth quarter. Yeah, dude, I'm good in the pocket.

Yeah, Jordan game six in the pocket. How dare you? I'm more of a immobile scrambling QB. Yeah, a Ty Detmer, if you will. Just put a little pressure on me and I'll freak out and throw the ball away. Or I'll hold it on for too long and get a sack fumble. Either way, my coach has pissed at me.

So in the threesomes, you're either completely flaccid or ejaculating. Yeah, there's zero to 100. I go from can't get it up to coming. Real quick. Real fucking thick. Come, Forrest. Come, Forrest.

He already came, Forrest. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

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Me too. I know. That's why I wanna, my oops, I'll add episode. I can't wait. I'll be rich. Yeah. They have to pay us. Do we have any shows coming up?

Oh, shit. We should talk about that. Good memory. Yes. We have a live podcast in LA at the Hollywood Improv. There we go. On November 13th, we put the information on if I were you show.com and jaconamere.com.

So please, the first live show at the Hollywood Improv was really fun. Yeah. The second one's not better than we'll never do it again. Exactly. There are still tickets available. So please, please come out for that. Come, come, come.

We also, we're also doing a show at Middlebury University in Vermont. Vermont, yeah. Yeah. November 20th. Yeah. Or is it the 22nd? It's a Saturday.

Oh yeah, shit. The 22nd is the Thursday. So if you go to Middlebury. 22nd. Yeah, Middlebury College. If you live like near Burlington or in Vermont in general, come. Please, that'll be another live podcast.

Yeah. So we're doing one in every major city in America. One in Los Angeles and the other one in Middlebury, Vermont. Perfect. All right, let's get to the last question. Last question comes from a man that all called Anatoly Karpov.

Of course. I forgot all about Anatoly. Must be sad to be the second best chess player ever. Nobody will ever know. Don't get me wrong. He's still making bank. He's still fucking tutoring for cash on the side. But just if you're not playing deep blue,

if you're not Casparov, you ain't nothing. Is Casparov rich? It's Casparov's fucking loader. Are you kidding me? Anatoly Karpov writes, I recently started a course in information technology. I met a girl there on my second day and she came up to me

and hung out with me during the lunch break. We had lunch together and got to know each other and became friends. She told me she was religious and attended a youth church every Sunday and invited me to attend one day. I declined because I'm fairly shy and I didn't know her well enough

to do something like that with her. Before I left, we exchanged contact information. The next day we began messaging each other. Everything was normal until she invited me to the church again via the phrase, I think you should know and meet God. This kind of surprised me and made me think that she might be

a little too spiritual for me. I'm very sure she wants to go out with me and I think she's really nice and pretty, but the magnitude of her spirituality is something that makes me a little bit apprehensive to go into a relationship with her. I'm absolutely clueless on how to proceed. Please guys, share some of that sweet, sweet advice.

Love, Anatoly Karpov. Oh. She wants to have a threesome two, it sounds like. Yeah. With this God character. Anatoly and God. Yeah, just me, you and God. You should respond to that text,

sorry bitch, I am God. How what? That's crazy. Yeah. I've already met me. I just think the relationship means that little now. Yeah, so. You're done.

That's a game-ender for you. Yeah, you're done. You want me to meet God? She's too, I don't even think she's interested in a relationship with you. She's just, she's working for God, baby. She's trying to make as many converts as she can. She's already cheating on you with God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's probably already blowing God at this point. We're talking about the threesome. You are outside of the room. It's just her fucking God. Which is amazing. Yeah. God, imagine that.

Can you even? It's like the one time you say, oh God during sex and you're saying the person's name. Oh, I like that. Or she's fucking this guy and she's saying, oh God. And he's like, oh, I knew you were talking about your ex-boyfriend. Yeah, you said his name again. It's tough to say how much spirituality will scare you off

because we don't know, maybe he's a spiritual guy. But the fact that it gave you pause probably means that it's not a good situation. Right. I mean, I'm all for if you're religious and she's religious, then you guys sound like you got a lot in common. Go get it, God's not real.

But do your thing. Go meet God. Yeah, go meet the invisible nothing, but whatever, fuck that shit. You're anti-God, man. Oh yeah, just because he doesn't exist. How can I be anti-anything that's not real? Yeah.

I'm also anti-the-tooth fairy. That's all anti. It's anti-matter, as in it doesn't matter. I'm anti-hentai. So what should he do? I think you should, you know, tell her that you aren't interested in religion. If you aren't, like, hey, you seem cool,

but like, I'm not religious and I don't wanna be and this does not interest me. And then see what she does with that information. All right, don't say no. Maybe you can say like, oh, I don't think I wanna meet God. I think I'd rather get to know you better. Exactly, I don't think you have to be like, hey, we aren't gonna hang out,

but you should probably just be like upfront with her and be like, this is not gonna happen. Me believing in God or me going to church every Sunday or whatever. And then see if she's like, okay, well, I wanted like, well, what day are we on finding someone who does? Or if she's like, all right, well, I still think you're interesting,

so I wanna get to know you. Right, so you're just saying, be as, don't cut it off, but at least be honest and say, no, I don't want to meet God and then see what she does with that information. I think the stakes seem low enough and always I think it's probably best to like make your intentions known

and then let that person react to that. To assume their feelings and their thoughts and their goals and like react on your own right then and there. Yeah, it's like the anti-ultimatum stance. Right. Don't say do this or else. Just say, here's the facts.

Right, let's just put. And now what do you wanna do? All the information out on the table and you're like, okay, we can make this work or okay, not gonna happen. But all the information needs to be out there, so go for it. Run for it, go for it.

I'm the same way, if this is all, if I were you thing, I can't be with someone who thinks I should know and meet God. She probably thinks I'm going to hell for being Jewish at that point. That's what turns off a lot of people that I know from religiousness. They're like, I grew up in a religious household

and then I went to Sunday school and they said that all my non-believer friends are going to hell. And then she's like, I had like six Jewish friends and they're like, yeah, they're going to hell. And they're like, no, I would rather be with them than believe in you. I would say that's one way to,

if I'm gonna give a note to the church, don't tell kids their friends are going to hell. That's not a good way to indoctrinate them. You wanna like be as happy and positive as you can. Well, it works on a ton of people that whole being scared shit, scared straight. But I feel like they're getting a couple little stragglers. They're letting them loose by that hell thing.

And then, yeah, then there's too many like atheism and even Judaism is just like, hey, everything's good. Yeah. And you're like, oh, I like that idea. Yeah, you're losing, you're losing out to Judaism, guys. You can snag them back. Come on, how pathetic is that? Nobody loses to Jews.

You're losing to them. Yeah, nobody ever told me, a rabbi never told me my non-Jewish friends were going to hell. Mainly because I didn't have non-Jewish friends. Perfect. Yeah, and that's the ideal here. Only hang out with your own kind. I can't be more clear.

I've said so many bad things on this episode. You're a detriment. That's our take. I don't know. That's not our take. That's your take. Oh, right. No, I meant the general don't go for it.

Right, right. What I said is my take. What you said is your take. That's the take. Our takes are respectively what we said. Yes. And you've never had a girlfriend before, but some of them don't want you to know any God.

You got a little bit more time. Unlike the threesome guy who should strike while the iron's hot. Yeah, yeah. Keep doing that. Fuck it. I would meet God every Sunday if it meant I can have a threesome.

For real, what an interesting bunch of questions we got today from cat killers, threesome sinners, and then guys that are getting to know God. I don't even remember what the first question was now. How, real quick, how can I get a threesome if I really wanted a threesome? Like, do you have to have it come naturally or can you force a threesome?

I think it sort of has, it's like lightning in a bottle. Like the right things have to align. It's like a lunar eclipse is what it is. Yeah, I think, well, in my opinion, I feel like relationship threesomes are always weird and bad, so I would avoid that. Right. And I think the way to do it is just like,

God, just be fucking cool. Yeah, there's no other way. So you're saying I don't have a chance. Well, you sort of have to have like a girl, maybe like a girl or a guy who likes you and is like sort of trying to court you in a way, like wants to impress you or somebody that's just like, has a totally fun, loving relationship, right?

Yeah, it has to be so casual and so carefree. Right, and then the third person has to be a little bit of an outlier who's just like, you always need that X factor, the crazy person. The person that's just down for anything who's usually, I feel like wouldn't necessarily be like a friend of yours as well. Right.

But that can happen too. I mean, it's only ever gonna happen, in my opinion, the best ones are like with three friends or two people who are like sort of dating and a third wild card that would almost suggest it. What about two girls that are like hooking up and then they're looking for a third guy? Does that ever happen?

I'm sure it does. I mean, that seems even more rare. I feel like also being the person that wants the threesome, you have to be the last person to be asked. You can't be like going up to people and be like, yo, let's try to get this person to have a threesome. It needs to come to you and you need to be like,

whoa, really, yeah. You only get it when you don't ask for it. Right, but you need to also react in such a bewildered positive way that they're like, all right, let's blow this guy's mind. Oh yeah, that sounds fun, but I wasn't necessarily angling or thinking about this for a really long time. Right, so you need-

But it's a nice little pleasant surprise. Right, and then I feel like people rise through an occasion to sort of try to give someone an experience. So if there's two people that are like, I'm gonna have a threesome with this dude or girl and she's never done it and he's never done it, they're excited, like, all right, let's make it fucking hot for them.

So how can I do that? I'm talking about me personally, not one as an intern. You got it, we'll start going on more dates, start going out more. And it's a trick and dance. Yeah, if it happens one in the thousand nights that you go out, you just got to make sure that the next thousand nights happens

in the next three years rather than the next 20. I really think so. I think, you know, just keep on hanging, keep on raging. All right, so let's stop this episode right now. Let's go, let's pre-game right now. Come on, it's 2.13 in the afternoon. So if you have your own questions, your own theme songs, your own picture thumbnail suggestions,

send it to ifireushowatgmail.com. I don't know if we're back on a Monday. Oh, we are back on Thursday. So we'll see you guys soon. Oh, that last, the, the, the, the, the, the shit. It's been too long. The opening theme song was from Adrian Don. Adrian Don, Adrian Don.

And this closing theme song is from Adam Lancaster. So thanks, Adam. Thanks, Adrian Don. Thanks, you guys, for listening. We'll be back soon. Bye. If I were you, if you were me, we will preserve your anonymity

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