If I Were You - 111: Clam Dip (with Dave Rosenberg!)

Episode Date: October 23, 2014

Our special friend Dave Rosenberg joins us to discuss working out, jealousy, and his grandma's secret recipe.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com and DollarShaveClub.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Let's get started. One of our favorite guests is back, Davy in the house. Oh, things got real. Enjoy. Yeah. Very smooth. Dirk Parker. Thanks, Dirk. Dirk Parker wanted us to give us a quick shout out to his Facebook music page, facebook.com slash dirkparkermusic. Is that okay, Dave? Can I give him a shout out?

You're sort of a social media guru. Is that the best way for him to advertise? Howdy. He's back. He is back, boys. A mouthful of clam dip. We're outside. This is our first ever outdoor podcast. All outside all the time.

For the first time. Our third or fourth episode with Dave. What is it? Third? Third. This is the first one where a guest has a bowl of homemade four day old clam dip that you made for a party of ours. That was when was our party? Three days ago? Four days ago?

Today's Wednesday, right? No, Tuesday. Today's Tuesday, the party was on Saturday. So that's three days. No, but you made it on Friday. No, I made it Saturday morning. Saturday morning, so that's Saturday, Sunday, Monday. So it's a four day old clam dip. What are the ingredients of that bowl that you're eating? It's grandma's secret recipe, actually.

I hate to spoil grandma's secret recipe because I saw it in the fridge. Because you bought the ingredients when we all went to get alcohol. You bought a quart of sour cream, canned clams. And I want to say that's it. There was a French onion dip mix. Yeah, the powder. Is that it? Well, I'm not everyone.

Like you'd all make a dip on Instagram and then tag it, hashtag clam stripped. Clam stripped, clam dip, clam stripped. Well, I mean, it was such a hit at the party that Dave is just finishing it up now. But at the party, I would say no one touched it. It's like a hearty cereal bowl filled all the way to the top with this. It's a beiged out sour cream at this point. Did anybody have any when you made it? Yeah.

People did have it. What percentage of that bowl do you think you've consumed over the past four days? Probably in the upper 80s. Much like the weather here in sunny Los Angeles. We already said Dirk Parker. It's okay that I give him a shout out on the Facebook page. I know you don't like to give shit out for free, social media-wise. No, yeah.

Facebook's the way to go. Let me run it. All right. Dirk, if you're listening. Oh, that's a good idea. You should start running the musician's Facebook pages. All right. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the Internet, hosted by us, Amir.

I'm Jake. And? Howdy. Dave Rosenberg. Finally. We, oh, wasn't there, you guys just got back from the gym, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

How is that? It's interesting working out with Dave. Let me tell you a little bit about his workout. Is it anything to do with what he said in the last podcast, which was- That he worked out somewhere that he came once? Yeah. He does mention that when we're working out. But here's something that he does.

He doesn't do anything except for curls. Is that true? Beauty muscles. He didn't do a single exercise that wasn't a curl. We were there for almost an hour. How many types of curls can you do? Or you just start with heavy? Well, he does different weights.

He just picks up, like, at one point he just picked up 50s. And he was, like, curled it twice and then put it down. And then I looked in the beginning, he was curling 30s. And then finally, when it was time to go, he's like, yeah, I can't lift anymore. I pulled my wrist or something. Of course. You just curl. You don't do anything else.

Didn't you also say that Dave at the gym in Chelsea appears? Oh, yeah. In Chelsea appears, he was working out a little differently. He wasn't just doing curls. He would just walk up to any machine, not change the weight, not touch it. Just sit down and do as many reps as he could with whatever weight was on there. Like a roulette game of sorts. Yeah.

That's kind of like how you live your life. A bit. Yeah. You walk into situations and you do as much as you can and then you leave. Yeah. Did you say that's accurate? Yeah, that seems pretty accurate. So the way it works, this here podcast is that we get emails from people who are in

difficult places in their lives and they're seeking advice, guidance, and we offer it on this program. Sometimes it's just us. Sometimes we have a friend. And today we have Jake's best friend and a really good acquaintance of mine. Dave. Are you ready to get started? Do you want to talk about anything before we dive into these emails?

I'm good. You're good. Let's see if these inspire anything within us. We need fake names though. Can you at least give us that? A fake name for this guy? Yeah. Yeah.

Let's hear it. Lamar Odom. Nice. Lamar Odom writes, my girlfriend of four years is about to go to South Africa in three months. She will stay there for a year doing a study abroad program with her school. My problem is that I don't love her the way I used to. We started dating at 15 and now I feel like I should move on. My current plan is to stay together with her until she's just about to leave

and then break up with her to make breaking up easier while she's abroad. I want to wait because she really depends on me. She doesn't have many friends besides mine and she's really in love with me. If I broke up with her now, it would crush her at this point. How can I use this situation to let her go in a way that means the least amount of hurting for her? Thanks, love Lamar Odom. So he doesn't like this girl anymore or love her anymore. He doesn't love her.

And she's going away in three months for a year and he doesn't know when to break up with her. Is there a good, the best time to break up in your experience? I feel like you get these types of questions a lot where people think they're helping another person by keeping the relationship going. It doesn't matter if it's a month or three months or a year. If you don't love someone, you shouldn't continue to date them because you're just wasting both people's time. So there's no merit to waiting until just about she's about to leave

or doing it when she's in South Africa. Yeah, it's like... I've never seen such like sound advice delivered by somebody with clams all over the place. Yeah, yeah, that's my dessert. I'm keeping those clams on my chain for dinner. You were eating this clam dip last night at midnight. That'll be enough. I saw you eating it this morning at 7 a.m. before we went to work.

That's right. Right before we went to work out, you took a bag of pretzels. You had several pretzels covered in the clam dip. Stuffed them in your pocket and then gave really sage advice. I really do. I'm worried by how much of it you've eaten. It was a lot of clam dip. It was too much clam dip for the party.

Definitely too much clam dip for one person to consume in less than a week. I mean, it's insane. It's all in you. So, you know, one month, three months a year, it doesn't make a difference. What's the difference between a cup and a quart of clam dip? It's all cream. It's all creamy clams at the end of the day. But I agree with you, do it as soon as possible.

But is there anything to waiting before she leaves for a year? Well, then she's... You're going to break up with her right before she leaves or right after she leaves. That's his plan. Oh, he's saying right before, because then it'll make it easier. It's going to make it easier on her, but it's really just making it easy on him. He's confusing being a good guy for being a bad guy. I just want to wait until she's gone, so then it's easier for her.

That's no. No, you're not. I feel like I do that a lot too when I'm in relationships. I'm like, I feel like she'd like it this way is what I've convinced myself because I'd really like it this way. I think she'd prefer, you know, she would rather break up over text than meet me at a restaurant just to get done. I'm just going to text you. That's weird for her. For her.

Yeah. Oh, it coincidentally, sure, it's easier for me and good for me. I guess what I think about it is good for me, and I want that way too, so I guess we do have that much in common. Not enough to stay together, but... Right, so I think you should admit you're a coward. Which is fine. And breaking up is so hard. Well, breaking up, it would be so hard for her to, like, she loves her boyfriend, they're together for four years,

and then right before she leaves, as she's about to be thrust into this new environment where she doesn't know anybody, and she feels like at least I'm tethered to something back home, my family, and the love of my life. He's like, oh, I don't want to be together. Bon voyage! Have a good time in Africa, sweetie! Wait, what? She's leaving. She couldn't hear him.

He did it from outside. Just before she lifts off and her service goes away. No. She can't respond for 14 hours. For 12 months. She didn't sign up for data. Or WhatsApp. What was I going to say?

Oh, yeah. I feel like you talk about, or one thinks about breaking up, and you're like, when should I do it? Should I do it now? But as soon as you've decided to break up, you can't stay together. Like, your body won't allow yourself to have a normal day. Like, if I've already decided to break up with someone, I can't hide that feeling. It's just I'm sad and morose, and then eventually the lady will be like, why are you feeling this way? And I'm like, oh, because I don't understand anything.

If you're with somebody, they sense that. Yeah, they smell it. What's wrong? And you're like, oh, nothing. I'm thinking about work. And she's like, okay. And then you're just sort of a shithead for a month. And finally she's like, I just don't understand.

Like, what's going on? You're not the person I love. And he's like, oh, well, if you're going to say that, then I think we shouldn't be together. Because of what you just said. This is on you. I wasn't pulling away. I was stressed about other shit. And it's your fault now that we're doing this.

You're breaking up with me if you think about it, and I'm going to take it like a man. All you can do is be, I think breaking up is either you're an asshole, and then you're a hero, or you're a hero, then you're an asshole. Because you break up with somebody clean. You're like, this is it. I'm sorry. I'm putting it all on the table. I don't want to be with you. I never want to be with you.

She's like, why are you saying this? It's so hurtful. It's so fucked up. But then she's done. She gets over it. She's like, you know what? In retrospect, I'm glad that you didn't strain me along. I'm glad that you just...

You can keep going. Let's fight through these helicopters. Yeah, we're outdoors. Oh, all right, fuck it. It's part of the elements now. I'm glad that you didn't keep... Yeah, they didn't strain me along. It's picking me up.

It doesn't try to... No. Keep going. I'm glad you didn't... They're just firing on the clam dip. That's not funny. Don't joke about that. It's a good clam dip.

It's a good recipe. Don't forget. Three ingredients. Yeah, sour cream. Don't forget the sour cream. Otherwise, you're just eating clams in a powder, an onion powder. Secret powder.

Don't forget the hashtag. What? Clam baked. No, he's a clam strip. There's two hashtags that we're using here for that. There's one if you do it stoned and one if you do it drunk. Are you clam baked or clam stripped? Either way, you're cooking my grandma's secret recipe.

Follow both hashtags to find out if you won anything, really. What are you saying? So if you're a... Oh, so you're either an asshole at first and then she appreciates it later. You're an asshole at first and a hero later or a hero at first and an asshole later. Or you do it really nicely and then she's like, Oh, he broke up with her really nicely. Right.

And then you're still string her or him along and you're just like, I just don't want to... I don't think we should be together, but let's keep on hanging out. She's like, OK, thank you. I really need support right now. I was like, OK. And we can hold hands and kiss if you need support. Oh, thank you.

I love that. Love that you're still here for me. I love you. You're still my best friend. Yeah, it's just that I don't want to be in a relationship. And I'm not going to be with anybody else. It's just us. And it's just like, we're going to do this very slow, slow breakup.

So it's easy on everyone. That's hell for everyone. Until? Because you want one thing and you're saying you'll do another. Until then, finally, she's like, you said you were my best friend and now you're ignoring my calls and you're trying to date other people. And I just found Tinder on your phone and you said you were going to hook up with other people.

Like, oh, well, why were we going to break up if I didn't want to hook up with other people? So just be honest, do your thing. You're going to be a mess. And then you're a hero versus the other way around. Dave, you've since taken off your shirt since Jake started that soliloquy. Yeah, I got hot. And it got you hot. Did it get you hot?

Oh, the clams got me hot. A little sriracha. I think you have food, ladies and gentlemen. I think you have food, boys. I think sriracha is the only thing that could make it better and there's not sriracha in there. Everything else was not a lie. You're lying about sriracha.

Next question, please. I've never seen anything that made toastitos taste bad. Let's quickly go around. Break up with her when? Dave? Now? Jake? The second.

Yeah. I agree. That's three breakups right away. Don't wait for her to be about to boarding a plane to South Africa. Let her deal with these emotions while she's not abroad. And then after three months, maybe she'll be more ready to deal with it. If you break up there right when she goes abroad, that'd be dangerous. Let her find her support group and her friends and family.

You know, don't just talk about it. Be about it. That's not a word. She's going to meet some hot South African. That's what you're going to be totally over that shit. That's what you're afraid of. Let's see. Okay.

I've got a good one for you guys. We need another guy's name. Davey? Pisa Stojakovic. Pisa Stojakovic. Right. I've been striking out with the ladies for longer than I care to admit. So about six months ago, I discovered a double-wide trailer right off the interstate that gives Asian massages.

We all know what goes down in those places. I've made it a weekly appointment and it's been great. But now I've met a girl and it's kind of getting serious. Do I have to stop getting my fix of the Asian persuasion? I don't even know if I'm cheating technically. I kind of doubt she'd be okay with it, but it really is the highlight of my week. Help! Love Pisa Stojakovic.

Davey, have you ever gotten a rub or tug? No. Your eyes are saying yes. My eyes? I didn't pay for a rub and tug. The rub and tug was part of the real deal that I got. What does that mean? I paid for the massage.

Right. Okay. The rub and tug, I think this just happened because I was hot. I think she just tugged after the rub because she saw that I wasn't a schlub. She liked me, was attracted and began to jerk me off. Did you get a little handjob action? After a massage? No, not after a massage, but there was that hooker in Montreal.

What? That hooker in Montreal. So you do a handjob? That was just a tug. Is this when you smoked crack? It's a different name. It's not the crack story. It's the hooker story.

You're mixing up the night. It was two different nights. I've actually never even had a massage. I should probably get on that before I even consider the tug part. But you're saying that you've paid for sexual things, whether it be legal or otherwise, and it's not that big of a deal. It's always otherwise. It's always otherwise.

It's never legal. No, rub and tug are legal. Rub and tug are legal. In Montreal it's legal. You can have hookers in Montreal. I'm about to look that up. It's what it's actually known for. Legal Montreal.

Sorry, Montrealians. It's not known for that. It kind of is. It's not known for that. How dare you. It's known for an 18-year-old drinking age in hookers. Should prostitution be legalized in Montreal? So I don't think so.

I don't think it's legal. Uh-oh. Oh, God, another helicopter. See? Still I planned that. Okay. Well, legal or not, is it cheating? Um, I guess you sort of have to put yourself in the girl's position.

What if she was going to some dude to get fingered every weekend? Would you like that? No, he probably wouldn't, but he's not thinking of it like that. He's thinking of, it doesn't mean anything to me emotionally. It's just the equivalent of masturbating, which is fine. Masturbating is not cheating. So why is it cheating when a paid professional does it for me? Right.

Again, how's it any different if that girl is getting fingered by some professional? Yeah. I guess it's not, but you know that emotionally it doesn't affect you while you don't know if that's the same case for your lady friend. You can be afraid that she is getting emotionally attached to this guy that was diddling her. Is there a female equivalent of a... Real quick, this guy is emotionally attached to this thing. Oh, yeah.

Oh, because... He calls it a fix. He says it's the highlight of his week. Right. That's emotional. That's an attachment. But it does not necessarily... It's like, oh, it's fucking whatever, because if it was whatever, then he wouldn't do it.

So he's saying that he's basically addicted to it. I'm not saying he fell in love with the masseuse that's stroking his cock. Nor is it the same one every time. Oh, that's what I'm interested in. Is that true? I don't know. We don't know. But let's say it's a rotating cast of Asian masseuses.

Masai. Dr. masseuses. Masai. Masai for sure. I think you should probably stop doing that. Yeah. But if he doesn't, is it that bad? And... fuck it, right?

God, he was so close to being a perf... Like, dog's got a bark. All right, fell off. He was like creeping up this hill, and if he had gotten to the top, he would have coasted down into being a decent man. He slipped on a bowl of clam dip, and then just went tumbling down. You guys should get mine, you know? Yeah.

As far as I'm concerned, I can't come quick enough. What do you mean? Get them nuts out. You know what I'm saying? No. Now you know, guys. Can you put it in the form of a freestyle run for me? No.

I mean, you take that clam dip, and you spread it on your ass cheeks, and you fucking squirt some sriracha on your fucking dick, and you squeeze one out. That's enough. All right, wait. Sorry, I just would like to recap. You put the clam dip on your ass cheeks, sriracha on your dick. No. Clam on the dick.

Sriracha on the ass cheeks. No, no, no. Clam on the ass. Sriracha on the dick. All right. And then you squeeze one out. Yeah. End of that cheating?

I feel like to me- Clams are people, too. That's not true. This is the lowest form of cheating. Maybe cam girls, because there's no physical touching, you're just drinking off to a girl talking to you. This is the second rung of, let's say, ten of cheating. So it's not in- If you can suppress it, if you can suppress the guilt, I don't feel like it's negative towards the relationship, necessarily.

Not right now, but it's just something that's going to build up. Yeah, maybe not right now. But I guess another way to think of it is if you're going to stop eventually, you might as well stop now. I mean, if you do anything for long enough, you're going to want to continue doing it. You know, you smoke crack for fucking three days in a row in mind, Trellin, all of a sudden you want to fix that next day. All of a sudden you're fucking whores.

Hey, that's not true. I made love to her. Oh, Lordy. Which would mean she didn't take your money. I love... Before this podcast started, I'm like, you should talk about this XYZ story, and you're like, no, I don't feel comfortable talking about that. And then since then you've talked about this thing, which I think is morally worse than

what went down that you wouldn't want to talk about. Yeah, I'm sure it's not. Maybe it's not. No. So you still won't talk about that other thing? What's... The bucket list thing? The bucket list thing was a long time ago in a land far, far away.

I know, which is why it seems like it means less. Statistical limitations is up on the bucket list. How about I tell one part of the bucket list each episode? Oh, that's good. Oh, that's nice. Can we start right now? Yeah, I guess we could. You said you crossed off seven parts of a bucket list in one night, one night.

Seven items on a bucket list. Which I would pay, I think, almost all the money I have to see the whole entire thing. The list and its entirety. Dave, do you have a bucket list? Yeah, it's pretty filthy. Okay, so let's say, I guess you can say one to however many of these things that you crossed off that night. Yeah, I got a blowjob in a bar bathroom.

Okay. Easy. That's fine. That's a good start. Not a run without a blowjob. It's legal, I imagine. No, that is legal. That can't be.

It's way more legal than fucking a prostitute in Montreal after you smoked crack. Technically, it's more legal than the clam dip, oddly enough. I don't want to get into the details or why or how that's accurate, but it is. So would you say this is cheating, David? Yes. As bad as cheating as sleeping with an ex-girlfriend during your relationship? Yeah, I don't think you do. Are there different degrees of cheating or is cheating cheating?

Yeah, cheating is cheating. It's like, you know, you can't just like break down stuff like that. That's just forming an excuse for your bad behavior. And I don't appreciate it and I don't respect it, but I will allow it. That's very thoughtful and positive. Jake, is cheating cheating or are there degrees of cheating? I did just fart pretty loudly, but the question remains. Power through.

I would say this, for me, this right here is unequivocally cheating. As bad as any other cheating? Bad behavior. I do think there are degrees of cheating. I think they're all, you know, reprehensible and I'm not saying that from an ivory tower. I'm saying that from the basement level of that tower. Yeah, the ebony basement as the cheater myself. I think there are just degrees because it's all, you know, it's all subjective to the

person that you're in the relationship with. I'm sure there are people out there who are like, who don't care at all. Like this stop eating it to the mic, dude. The fucking dip is just squeezing through your teeth like a Play-Doh spaghetti factory. You can hear him dipping it through the mic. It's just the sound of a thick glue, a viscous, a piece, it's a swamp, a bubbling swamp. You guys are hating on something you haven't even tried. I have tried the Kaleem dip.

I guess I have, and I think it's, I actually think it's pretty good. I like it. I can't bring myself to Grandma's recipe. Happy birthday, Grandma, 86 on Sunday. Is that true? Yeah, there's something. And she used to make that. That's nice.

Yeah, that's what's up. Canned clams just in there. I mean, probably fresh clams. Cape Cod, what up, Dennis? Fort, South Dennis, Hyannis, where you at? How about my boy? Instagram your clam-dip pictures with Cape Codding it. What?

Third hashtag? Hashtag Cape Codding it. Clam big. Clam stripped in Cape Codding it. In Cape Codding it, please. I have never cheated on somebody. And you don't have to ball so you fucking pussy. Yeah, that's right.

Whoa, I love that. That's the clam-dip talking. That's not untrue. It's not the whiskey. I am afraid. But I would say that there are less, there are totally degrees of severity. Like going to a strip club, that some might consider

that cheating in a strict sense. And then sleeping with someone that you love or having an affair is a totally different thing. Well, that's what I'm saying. It's all subjective to the relationship. Because I don't think cheating is like your relationship to the act. It's your partner's relationship to the act.

It's like, how fucked would this person feel if she or he knew what I did? So if she's just like a cool, liberal, sexually-free person. She might be like, oh, dope, you're getting handjobs? That's hilarious. Yeah. Totally do your thing. Like in an open relationship.

But he has the sense that she would not be cool with it. Maybe you could test the waters by being like, oh, my buddy so-and-so has been doing this handjob thing. It's so weird, right? And then she'd be like, I don't know, it sounds fun to me. Then you're like, cool. Or she's like, yeah, I would kill you if you ever did that.

Then you're like. If you had a girlfriend, which way would you rather her be? Would you rather her be like, dude, you can totally get a handjob? I don't care. Or would you rather her be like, if you get a handjob, I'll cut your dick off? I would probably rather her be in the middle of that.

Well, I don't know. I would never do this. No, I know. But which reaction would you look for in a type of lady? Any girl that said she would cut my dick off or something, I would probably break up with her. But I don't think I would want to. Oh yeah, wait, please, whatever this story is, go ahead.

I have seen a girl once upon a time and a long time ago. Yeah, this is all borderline a different person. So let's preface every one of your stories that way. She was a different man. She was, no, she was, uh, Sylvanna was her name. Oh, we should edit that out, right? I had a girl, Sylvanna was her name. I don't think she even speaks English.

I don't think she understands the language as well. Made it fun. She used to get crazy and say she would cut me up into little pieces and rock hard whenever she did. Nothing turned me on more. She almost tried to stab you because she was over here. I remember this. When was this?

Dave had under his bed, like he had gone on a date with somebody a long time ago. Not even. Long, long time ago. Oh, not even a long time ago. It was just at a bar that he walked into a photo booth and started making out with a girl inside of it. Wow.

And it took photos. And Dave like had the photos in his room under his bed, not like fucking hung up. And Sylvanna somehow found them and freaked, like she just didn't just scream at me with thoughts. I thought she was gonna kill me. And she was also, she, you guys were not like officially dating in any way.

Were you? Oh, no, not really. How many dates had you been on when she yelled at you like that? I don't really go on dates. I sort of just hang, you know, hang. I mean, you'd go into, you went into a photo booth. That was really cool though.

She's probably the most attractive girl you've ever dated. I believe the fifth on that, but she was very pretty. She was very, yeah, I got worried though, cause she was a bit older than me and- 58. No, no, no, no. She was in her mid 30s in front of my grandma's. She didn't have a green card.

And I know that sounds bad, but I'm always sort of in the back of my head all the time. Like that's something I should be worried about. Am I illegal for this? Yeah, Dave got deported too. The guy who fucked the prostitute was worried about the legality of having a relationship. Don't talk about viola like that.

Wasn't it viola? It was viola. Wait, you went- Nice of you to remember. Just to back up a little bit, you went into a photo booth and made out with a girl that you had not known? I don't know if that's accurate,

but she did find like photo booth pictures. There is a funny story about that bar, which is really funny. Which bar? Dave, like, do you mind if I tell? Well, if you, I'm just gonna tell a story and if you mind then you tell me afterwards. A long time ago.

I'm gonna be in the Vana Galaxy far, far away. Dave was a different man. Years ago, we went to a party at the Jain and Dave just like, within 30 seconds, that's like all he does is just like immediate, he either starts making out within 30 seconds of entering a bar or a mystery method. The game, that's what I knew.

You are the anti-me. It takes me like weeks to grow on someone and you start off as high as fiery hot as you can get. Well, because Dave's hot when he walks in a room and dumb when he gets to knowing. You're not like ugly when you walk in a room and hot when somebody gets to know you. Oh, you're smart and funny and successful.

You know what you do. And then you're like, oh, you're a statue except you're weird and dumb. We should run into each other and create this person that's hot and then smart. And then the leftovers will be this ugly dumb ass that never gets anything. And then the hot, that would be Jake.

The leftovers is the clam dip. So Dave started making out with this girl within 30 seconds of walking to a bar. Like we walked in, I was like, I'm gonna grab a jank. Do you want one? Okay, he's Frenching. A tiny little Asian girl on a stairwell. And repeatedly in like, this wasn't a dance floor.

This was like pretty bright light. Dave tried to finger her. I don't remember this. She said, I'm not that kind of girl. Whatever, you have to take me out on a date. So of course. This is coming back to me. I remember.

I like Jake remembering her words when you do. Dave says, you know what, tomorrow let's go on a date. I'm gonna take you out. They just died on the bar to meet at. Dave shows up on time. I guess she's running a little late. As soon as Dave walks in, some trash girl comes up. She's like, we just dared our friend to make out with you.

And Dave's like, okay, knowing that he's on time for a date. The clock is ticking. You're playing with perfection. Dave's making out with this fucking random drunk girl who's making out with him on a dare. And his date walks in. Of course. Of course she does.

God doesn't not allow that to happen. Do you still have those texts? Do you still have those texts? No, my phone broke during that November tour. What were the texts though? You were like, can you come back? I'll explain. See, what happened was I made out with someone.

Oh, you already knew that. Okay, I guess I'm done with explaining. Clam dip? Question mark? You had an embarrassing story that night too. I don't try and get all high and mighty on me. What was my embarrassing story for that night? Was it at the Jane Hotel or was it at the top of

like LeBain or that room? Oh, when I got kicked out for eating a fight? Yeah. Yeah. That was that night, bro. Was that the same night? It was. Oh, you were right.

We were in like a fancy ass place and I'm trying to get my little fingers a little bit of that mm, mm, mm, mm. A little bit of that cam dip on it. That's quite enough. Let's take a quick break and then we'll be back with more questions with Dave Rosie. Howdy.

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Hey, we're back. Do you, what's your game when you're tall and handsome? Is it really just get in by saying as few words as possible as quickly as possible? Or do you like to get to know a girl? No, I don't have a game. I'm sorry if people think I do or if Jake thinks I don't. You do have a game whether it's intentional or not.

Like you have a strategy or at least a subconscious way of feeling socialistic. I think you're really good at making small talk. You're like so shallow and vapid that. That's true. Like when you go into a bar and you see a girl are you persistent or are you back off and you let them come to you?

I don't have a strategy. I need to be like the perfect amount of drunk to like not be too drunk to like be stumbling. You don't like being too drunk. I don't, I really don't. I feel like I compare it to like Lou Gehrig's disease where I'm like, I have this shell that I'm living in but I can't do anything about it.

I did just recently do a Dave Rosenberg's drunk ice bucket challenge just to raise awareness for that crippling disorder where you're too wasted. You know the Lou Gehrig's disease. We're like, it's the perfect amount where you can't play baseball but you're not dead. That's the drunk that I want to be. Today I consider myself the drunkest man

on the face of the earth. The face of this bar. So what do you do? You get the perfect amount of drunk. I'm a fucking coward throwing through when it comes to one. So if a hot girl sees you and smiles at you, you're not, you never approach? No, I do.

I'll do it with that but like, I'll have nights where no one will even look at me. And then you just don't do anything about it. Yeah, I'm not okay with like, walking up to someone that's not even looking at me. Even though you're six, four, 200 pounds. Well, that's why it's easy for him. And I think that you and I both do the same thing.

You, we need to be like, looked at, admired. So that just like, that's that like initial spark of confidence. Yeah, you try to lower your risk. Right, some people have confidence right when they walk in the bar. Like I can get anybody and they walk up and talk to somebody.

You, us three, we'll walk into the bar. Like, does anybody here like me? And then somebody's like, I like you. And you're like, fuck you. Then you can talk to them. It's weird when I know someone's liking me too. I'm like, oh, fuck that. It's building.

It's building. That's it. That's all that. It's that energy. It's like, I think you might be cool. And then you're like, you rise to the occasion and you're like, I am cool. But I'm over it.

Cause I don't want someone that likes me. I want someone that fucking wants to slice me up, cut me up into a million. Yvonne, if you're listening. Te gusta. But it's weird how confidence, when you're growing up, you think, oh yeah, confidence is the key to success. But you realize like, confidence comes in

so many different ways. Like a mirror last night performed in front of like 60 people, not that many people did fine. But earlier in the night, he played a five on five game with no one watching basketball and absolutely played like a complete pussy. Like it really was terrible. It was a garbage trash man.

Is it possible that I'm just better at comedy than a basketball? No, because you played like a pussy. Oh, you're saying I didn't play to the best of my abilities. Yeah, yeah. So it's weird that that can happen. Yeah, I got intimidated. You weren't confident on the basketball court.

So you didn't play up to your potential. But you were confident on the stage. So you did play up to your potential. That just reminds me of a funny story that Dave wanted to play basketball so bad at this fucking five on five Wreckley that you do, that he was rebounding for the other team in jeans before they got there.

In jeans just running around. At one point a ball, I was sitting in the corner on my phone and a ball started bouncing towards me and I would like put my hand up to catch it and Dave goes, let me touch it. Let me touch it. I don't even want to touch it. All right, let's get to one more question.

I like basketball. I know, yeah. What about Pasha? When you're in an indoor gym, basketball is very special. Yeah, but no one's even watching you play that game. What are you getting nervous about? I guess my friend's on the team. I don't want to embarrass myself in front of them.

I played with you on Friday. You played fine. Thanks, bro, I really needed to do that. Yeah, just play with heart. That's all I care about. I'll try, I'll try. I really do think I was hustling, but we really got to get to the next one.

I don't appreciate the fucking lack of effort shit because I was running. You run like a pansy. Your legs bow out when you run. It's so lame. It's almost comical if it were on purpose. Dave still hasn't freestyled. I feel like he's been freestyling all weekend.

And we haven't gotten one today. It's such like a white boy lane. He did, you know, he did a lot today. What did he say to him? He had a good one today, or is it? He had a good line. He said, please me, don't tease me. Just put a bacon egg and cheese me.

Something like that. Give me a bacon egg and cheese and meat. Yeah, oh, and meat. Please me, don't tease me. Just give me a bacon egg and cheese and meat. The flow is a little bit tighter. The flow is a little bit smoother. Will you just do it?

Let's see if it comes out of this next question. Fine, I just want like, at one point, wrap about clam dip. That's all I care about. Just if you find a way to do it. You don't have to do it now, but just if it comes up organically. Yeah.

All right, give me one more person's thing. Vladi? D-Vots? Oh, Vladi who? Finish it, I said. Oh, D-Vots, yeah, yeah. Vladi? Right.

I've been dating my current girlfriend for nine months now. She's a diamond to cool. I can assure you of that. Yesterday, she was at my place and she left her Facebook open. I tried to resist the temptation, but I ended up going through her chats. I know I'm a scumbag for doing this.

The thing is that I discovered something that kind of rubs me the wrong way. Turns out that before we started dating, she passionately kissed one of her guy friends. I'm sure that's over. I've known her for 10 years and I know she's not the kind of person to cheat on someone, but she still hangs around with him.

Sometimes she goes to his house with other friends. Also, I read that she accidentally kissed another one of her friends, but she described it as it was nothing. But she described it as it was nothing important that she felt nothing. She never told me any of these things. What should I do?

Stop being a fucking coward pussy, dude. People just do shit. Get over it. Focus on making money that cheese, that pepperoni, that salami. You know what I'm saying? Like fucking you're wasting your energy. Damn.

Hey. So you're saying these guys are kind of a pansy for even giving a shit. Oh, like you're weak for checking your Facebook. Then you're mad at her for being weak. So you're just- She's not being weak? What the fuck did she do that was weak?

No, no, he's mad at her. Oh, for being weak. For checking the Facebook. Yeah. I've been there before. I done that shit. Oh, you have? You've checked the emails, the Facebooks?

The Facebook, not the emails. Yeah, Facebooks. It's never good because you do it because you're insecure and you're scared. Yeah. And then you find something to be insecure and scared about. Well, you know, I got fucked over in college once with my girlfriend at the time said she got a Facebook message

from someone saying, from some woman saying that like, girl, woman, woman sounds weird. A college-aged woman. Yeah. My girlfriend at the time said that this girl that I like did orientation with, Facebook message, she was saying that we were like fucking for the entire orientation week.

Was that true? No, it wasn't. And I was like, okay, show me. And she's like, I was so upset that I deleted it. And I was like, okay, so now I'm like, I don't understand like, okay, should I believe, who should I be mad at in that situation? I was very confused.

And it turns out everyone in that situation was a shit head, including myself, yes, folks. So now you don't peep, you don't snoop. Well, so you did snoop on this girl's Facebook? Or did you not? No, I didn't, but I could have, but I was just sort of relating that to a way that like Facebook sort of,

Facebook fucks everyone over. But check out calloutchumer.com on Facebook. We got 3.89 million fans and we're close to hitting four million folks. I get a promotion when we hit four million, so they're sooner or the better. That's not true. That's not true.

I get three balls of clam dip mix, so. But you don't have to make it yourself. Graham makes it for you. That's true. What up? How'd it go with the Graham? Alison said something that I remembered that was really good.

Alison Williams. Yeah, my co-host. She said, when you snoop, you always find what you're looking for. And like, that's fucking true. Just don't do it. Even if you don't find it, you're gonna assume something is happening.

This guy's mad at her for cheating on him before they even got together. Ignorance is bliss. You can't, but like what the fuck, of course she made out with somebody before you were together. But her friend, that's a little bit weird. Like if you found out your girlfriend

hooked up with a friend that she hangs out with still. Most people hook up with their friends. Up until the point where you guys are like, we are together, nothing matters, nothing counts. Right. Only going forward if she, and all he said is that he knows she's not the kind of girl to cheat on him.

Great. So before, before she even was with you, she kissed somebody. Good for her. That's great. But not just anybody, a guy that she still hangs out with. That's a friend of hers. That she hangs out with other people.

You know what's weird? It doesn't matter. What's weird about people that think they're in love is like that they're in love with themselves more than they are with the other person. I'd love to delve deeper, elaborate. So this guy says he's in love, maybe he doesn't, but he says he's in love with this girl.

Yeah, he hates the fact that she was like happy or met someone before they even met each other. And it's like a very selfish thought to have like, oh, I'm the only one that can love you. I mean, he didn't say that either, but you always hear so many people say after a break-up's going, like no one will love you like I do. Like that is the most ignorant selfish shit you can ever say.

Dehumanize people when you say shit like that, let that no one will ever love you as much as I love you. Yeah, like this girl didn't exist before he liked her. Like I brought you into the world and you kissed someone before me. But can't you say that you're the best, best that this girl's ever had? No, cause there's millions, billions of people

in this world, only you have the emotional capacity and the dope physique to love her. Stop forest fires. Yeah, you know, fuck, I'm pissing me off actually. You do some curls here. You hurt your wrist. Dude, but I'm fucking. You're getting yoked up.

Yeah, yeah. You're getting jaded bicep? Your arms are fucking massive. Yeah, I don't work out. Because every year, you have worked out of three years. You worked out today. You're listening and you know, I'm ripped and I'm gonna give you that green card.

It's like your muscles never atrophy. They just get stronger than they may suck. I've never seen somebody that like he flexed and your biceps looks massive and then your belly is just filled with clam dip. This is how you got into a fight on the plane, which is another story you wanted to tell. You always got into an altercation on an airplane

on the way over here. I did. I don't know if I can do the story justice, but I left her LA Friday, 6 a.m. 6 a.m. 6 a.m. flight. You gotta wake up at like 3.45. I wanna mention that when he showed up,

his bag was a backpack and two plastic shopping bags. He was also wearing flip flops because then you don't have to take him off in the security line. I think that's fair and smart. Pretty smart and you have not taken this American flag bathing suit off in four days. So you land at 9 a.m. LA time around noon Eastern.

You're drunk on the plane? Well, like an hour into the flight, the Stortis. Male flight attendant. Male flight attendant happened to like my jaw line. Let's put it that way. Are you very gay friendly? I am.

I love gay people. And they love you. I don't know. I can't generalize, I think, dealing with that. It's a generalization to say you love gay people. No, but I do. I've never met a gay man. All right, so he's giving you free drinks.

Your flight was at what time? 6.45. 6.45, so this is 7.45 a.m. that you're starting. I mean, I probably ate maybe. Did you ask for it? Or he's like, hey, do you want a free vodka? No, I went in back to go to the bathroom and I'm just chit-chatting it up.

Of course. And yeah, you know, I always make, I've been pretty good lately at like holding eye contact with people. That's how I know if I'm like building confidence in my life. Oh, that's good. Yeah, you are staring at me.

You seem very confident. And if I can hold eye contact with someone, I know I'm like going down the right path. That's good, that's good. You know, if they look away, I know they scared. Oh. You know, they scared. I like that.

So how did you broach the idea of vodka at 7 in the morning? He offered it to me. Oh, he's like, oh, without you even prompting? He's like, do you want a little drink? Well, no. He was like, oh, he was like, yeah. I was like, is that vodka? Can I have some?

He's like, do you want vodka? And I said, yeah. So it's sort of like he offered. Oh, no, no. Because he's sitting, had a question. He was like, oh, do you want a drink? Because I was standing up in back by the bathroom again. And he's like, oh, you want a drink?

And I was like, oh, like, what kind of drink? You know, I get that, that OJ. So he set the stakes. He raised the stakes. He matched the stakes. He made it a screwdriver. And so he gave me two, two little airplane bottles. And then he did that again in an hour.

And then he did it again in an hour. So fast forward to about 9 AM. So that's six little airplane bottles of vodka. 9 AM Pacific. That's a lot of vodka, yeah, before 10 AM. So basically, I'm like, I have to go to the bathroom like every hour and a half. So I have been going to the bathroom, right?

You know, it's a way for me to also get more drinks. So you're pretty tipsy. You're what you would call the perfect amount of drunk? Yeah, I know it wasn't. Lou Gehrig. Tag that clam dip. Lou Gehrig drunk. I was also getting a lot of work done on the plane, though.

JetBlue, they got good Wi-Fi. JetBlue, if you're listening, I changed my flight from Monday to Thursday and you charged me 300 bucks. They're not listening, of course they're not. Hashtag jetblue me. And give me that refund on Instagram. They're also outing their stewardess

for giving you free vodka. So you let, we land, you have to pee, but there's the seatbelt because you're landing. So as soon as the seatbelt button goes undone, everyone stands up and starts getting their bags. You fucking beeline towards the bathroom and take a piss. You get out of the bathroom and there's a line of people waiting to get off the plane.

You know, the aisle is filled. So you're walking through the sea of people saying, excuse me, pardon me, trying to get back to your seat. But according to them, they just think you're trying to like rush out of the plane before them. Well, no, most people are like, okay, he's just going back to the sea.

He doesn't have any bags in his hand. He's not trying to skip the line. No one does that. I don't think anyone does that. Sure, but one guy. Thought I was doing that. And this was like two seats behind me. And it's this dude who was like sitting down at the time

and I'm like going by and I must have like bumped his knee. And he was like, oh, like you going somewhere, bro? And I'm like, yeah, back to my seat. Is that okay with you? And he like stands up. He's wearing sunglasses. He's like, oh, you're trying to be a tough guy now. And I'm like, no, I'm not trying to be a tough guy.

I'm trying to go back to my seat. Is that okay with you? And then he takes off his sunglasses and he's like, why are you trying to be tough? And I'm like, I'm not trying to be tough. I'm trying to go back to my seat because that's where my bags are. And there was a Stortis, like we were sitting

on both sides of the emergency exit and the Stortis was like, are you guys okay? And I'm like, yeah, I'm okay. I'm like the toughest way to back down from a fight. You're trying to be a tough guy? No, I'm trying to leave right now. I'm a scared of you, dog. Yeah, you want to be tough?

I actually don't want to be tough, motherfucker. I wasn't trying to be tough. I want to be away from you. He was trying to be tough. Yo, if you listening, you a fucking bitch. You're a bitch, dude. You're sitting at the picnic table in our backyard four days later and you're like, yeah, come at me.

No, I'm not fucking come at me. I'm gonna fight someone on an airplane, dude. What the fuck are you talking about? How big was this guy that he looked at you? You're 6'4, 200. I'm not gonna fucking fight someone on a gallium plane. What are you talking about? Because you got shook.

I didn't get shook. Yo, I've never shook, dude. You got shook? Nah, dude, I'm shaking, but not stirred. Not like this clam dip. We're out of time. I don't know what to say. Two questions?

Three, actually. But we got some good stories. I was hoping to hear a question from a woman. I think they were all males. Yeah, yeah, that's sort of how it goes. The majority of our questions are from guys. But we'll have you back. We wanna hear more about the bucket list.

We wanna hear more about your insight about stuff. We forgot to mention that we have a live podcast coming up on November 13th. Tickets are about half sold out. So you should snatch them up while you still can. It's very fun. It's a festive atmosphere and the more people are there, the better.

November 13th. Okay, he's just back at it. He's dipping it. He's dipping it for sure. That was dip. So please check that out. And if you have your own questions that you want us to try to tackle,

or your own theme song, oh mercy. It's a if I were you show at gmail.com or also still accepting thumbnail submissions, 600 by 315, which is perfect for Facebook, right Dave? You're the one who told me that. Yeah, 600 by 315 pixels. You can do it bigger. You can actually do a 600 by 600.

As long as the image fits into the parameters of the 600 by 315, you can do like a little border. I know that doesn't really make sense, you should start a social media podcast where you just talk, give your advice about it. You have the shirts on backwards. That's okay. That's okay.

Good man. Social media podcast. There's only hundreds of thousands of those. Thank you to Dirk Parker for writing the opening theme song and the closing theme song by two ladies who I think have submitted before. Their name are Allie and Lisette. Dave, anything you want to say or promote before we go?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Howdy. So thanks Dave. Thanks you guys for listening. We'll be back soon. Later. This goes out to Amir and the pinch. Get your cramp clock out.

And there's a fuck about Amir and Dave. They're past the same and Dave got high. Could do a better date. If you like dirty juice, then you know who to choose. You got high duty and poop. Tired. Tired. I need to tell them they're killing me.

Now, especially when I'm stuck up. Dope. I'll have it turned down, I'll strike you up. I'll fight a weed and I'll play some treat. I'm high. Dirk and Amir, they always tease the cheese. Very toda. Hey guys, it's Kristin and it's Marnie

from the Ask Woman podcast and make sure to check out our podcast for all the advice you need to get the women that you want. And yes, I say women plural because we even talk about polygamy. Not polygamy, what's it called? Polyamory, that's right. But if you want to know all the advice

that you've been waiting to hear directly from women on how to attract date seduce and get the women you want, then check out our podcast, the Ask Woman podcast right here on Podcast One.