If I Were You - 112: TextJake.com

Episode Date: October 27, 2014

In this episode we discuss our newest business: A website that allows Jake to make text suggestions for you!This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Did um, things get oh shit, of course they did they got real a one a two a one two three Mm-hmm a cappella. Yeah Camilo Camilo wrote that really yeah, it was an a cappella jam that he worked on Relentlessly for several consecutive hours. That's what he said. That's what he said He also wanted to give his boy Shushank a shout-out because he has a breakaway hit called booty in my face You'll have to hear it after the show I guess Shushank's booty in my face friend of Camilo Holy shit, what I don't want to do this anymore Everything no, it's just a wave of apathy hit me, and I think I'm done

Entirely recording today with a recording being with you anything with you. Oh, so it's not apathy It's worse Apathy is neutral. I don't care anymore. So I really don't want to be with you You're you're not feeling neutral. You're feeling negative. I know it Uh This is a huge episode. This is a big one. Yeah 112. Yeah, this is we've basically been building to this moment This episode for an a year a calendar a calendar year. It's been since we talked about building a website Called text and Casanova that allows you to make text suggestions for people. Oh, I thought I didn't even realize

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm referencing here. Yeah. Yeah, and and after a year we're finally ready to announce it That's happened. Yeah, it's real. It's called text to Jake comm which is actually better than texting Yeah, texting Casanova is long. It's yeah, it's hard to say and it's hard to spell Casanova, right Nova text Jake nova that's Jake. That's all we also considered text pert Text pert yeah, text pert but then we were like is it expert or is it ext Bert? Yeah, it's hard It's hard to say it's hard to pronounce So we settled on text Jake comm which is good. It's like oh don't know what to text Text Jake boom. Yeah, and you could spell both those words really easily. Yeah, cuz they're four letters single syllable words text Jake

So it exists. You can go to it right now. How does it work people? submit their screen people Yeah, they They tell me who the person is they give me a little context Yeah, tell me what they're after yeah, and then they screenshots some of their previous texts Mm-hmm, and I and I make a text suggestion Yeah, and it's actually you that's actually me and we we had you more than just just a text

Yeah, I'd also like to advertise a little bit So I don't just respond with like the text right cuz we have we've been doing it like for a couple weeks It's like a beta trial. Yeah, so people have been using it so far And they give me so much context that I really that I like to weigh in a little bit and and you know Whatever way I can to help Okay, so like it's like a little pep talk of sorts. Yeah, for instance a woman wrote in Last night and she sent me some screenshots and she was like what should I text this guy and you know Judging by the context and this previous screenshots. I advise her the perfect text message

But then also I was like, yo, you should dump this chump, right? So like so it's like border. It's half advice half Text suggestions. Yeah, but there's always a suggestion in there. I'm a bit of a life coach Yeah, does that does that make me hero? I wouldn't say of course. No, it doesn't I wouldn't say it doesn't does having this website Make me a Martyr no, no it doesn't a martyr someone who dies for a cause I Would say that I am a martyr a hero I would say you're gonna wreck statues in my honor. No, they should they don't they will not of course Well, they will they sing songs of me

Songs of you songs about me. Well, there's be songs and tales song about you song about me totally not Yeah, there should be there won't be I wouldn't say there shouldn't be I will say that you know I would say I'm a martyr and I would say I'm a god. Okay Here's what I would say. I would say you're a romantic consultant I'm a hitch of myself I've hitched myself to the wrong cart You are good at this so we thought maybe in this episode we'd answer some text related questions You can show off your expertise

And then if people want people want their personalized flavor they can go to text Jake Com thanks to Garrett Boatman for building that website for us. Yeah, that was that was a solid He did us a good solid. That was that was really on point of yeah to work for a year That was a tight move by him because we don't know how to build Yeah, the way he works for a year. Yeah for a joke. We said yeah was dope Yeah, and now it's available and it's here and it's yours. So people have been emailing us For a long time too if I were you show at gmail.com We get these emails of people who are in sticky situations and we we offer our advice and this is gonna be like a texting slash

Tendering themed episode very toda So you want to you want to get started? Yeah, let's do that. I want to you come up with the names for this episode since this is This is you. This is your shit text shake.com. No problem. Here we go. Okay. Well, so all the themes will be anything anything you want Sure the guys name or girls it is a guy's name Karsen daily Karsen daily right first introduced me to text Remember the Karsen daily phone for Nokia that had text and no He advertised this phone. It was like this I think it was one of the first phones with text and that was like their angle like you can text people Yeah, remember being like why the fuck? Yeah, why would you text? I'll call. Yeah, I'll call or I'll go on aim

Text was what the original thing was and then we made phones and then we don't have to text anymore No, that's my life. Yeah I'm a freshman in college and it's been a and I oh dear I'm a freshman in college and it was a very long-distance relationship. So I came as oh my god. Why don't you read this? I'm having a stroke. Sure Two weeks ago my girlfriend of four months broke up with me I'm a freshman in college and it was a very long distance. So it came as no surprise After some initial anger spending a day running into bathroom stalls to weep and a brief stint where she begged me to take her back

We finally had a conversation and are parting on good terms Here's my shitty idea. So I've downloaded Tinder and I'm flirting with girls in person just a bit as well I'm rediscovering that I'm not great at it before we were together I would often ask my ex for advice on picking up girls. She was really good at it Like she could work for texting Casanova.com read text jake.com now that we've got that going she could She she could work for text jake.com and she was the best female friend I ever had So considering I can't email you guys every time I need advice Would it be a bad idea to ask if she says yes to continue getting flirting tips from my ex

Failing to seize the cheese wondering if I should do me Carson daily so everyone I guess not everyone but most people have someone in their lives that they run text by or like that are good at flirting I've even run mine by you sure. I mean he just helps to be like sign off on yeah Even Roger Federer has a tennis coach. That's he's not necessarily any Roger Federer's tennis coach asks Roger for text advice And Roger himself actually asks you for text advice I would really like to to advise our fed you actually wrote an email for Goran Ivanishovich one time. Yeah

It was to his uh ex-fiancé Asking for the ring back. Uh-huh. Yeah, you needed to pawn it. Yeah Uh, so this guy's texting expert and unfortunately is his ex-girlfriend Yeah, um So beside the advice of using text jake.com for all of his texting. Yeah, that's of course the initial Obviously he can do that, but let's say In general, would you use an ex-girlfriend's advice to text new girls? Of course not. Well, I don't think she would even say yes So like asking her is a terrible idea. Well, what if they ended on such good terms that they're like, we're friends now

We could do this You're not that You're not friends and you can't do that Is our ex-girlfriend's off limits to help you get new girlfriends? Of course. Yeah, could you imagine? I mean, no I can imagine like an ex-girlfriend from like 10 years ago to help me get a lady right fine 10 years ago 10 years ago ex-girlfriend Life resets every five to 10 years

I don't think at any point would an ex-girlfriend of mine Be good At hooking me up with new girls. There's no There's no girlfriend that you're in such good terms. There's no scenario. I don't think it even is I don't think you're right when you say it. I don't think there's a scenario where it's not so loaded Yeah, there's always the loadedness of it, but if it's been like Two girlfriends three girlfriends since the first one and it's been 10 years And she knows someone and maybe she can help me get a girl. You don't think that's in the realm of possibilities

I mean, that's an extreme version of what this guy's asking this guy's asking for a girl that he broke up with two weeks ago to me, it's all loaded so like she Doing that is so inherently flirting with you Right, so if your ex-girlfriend of 10 years was like, oh, I have this new girl I want you to go on a date with that's her flirting with you Right that's her being like by curious you're attractive and single and available and I'm interested in you having sex And it's like so close to and it should be with me. It's a surrogate. Yeah

it's so I mean this girl's probably gonna say no first of all and second of all To have her weighing in on your text. I don't think she's got your best interest of like getting laid and getting over her at heart Well, that's another good. She another good feature of text jake is the fact that you're completely random unbiased source So you're not in you're not you have nothing emotionally or physically invested in this thing We're like this girl. She can't distance herself from the situation so much so that she's not like in at least Consciously trying to either sabotage or help you out. Oh, hey, what should I text this girl? Oh, that girl's not funny Yeah, oh that girl's a bitch. Yeah, and then but you're you're you're removed you have nothing to do with these people

I'll tell you straight up if a girl ain't funny a little bit I'll let you know how it is Yeah, you have you gotten text her like how should I hit on this girl and you're like don't hit on her Yeah, I got that last night. Yeah, some dude was like, uh Yo, I'm like I match with this girl on tinder like a conversation sort of drying up And she was just being an asshole to him. Yeah, and I was like Text this girl to fuck off. I was so mad She's mean to you. She's being mean. Yeah, don't take that

Uh, but I always do like the tech because I always write the text for what that person would want Right, so it's like if you do want her if you want this to happen and you shouldn't Text this right it's sort of like a genie granting a wish. Yeah, he's begrudgingly doing it Yeah, it's when the genie was working for jafar. Sure. I will make you a powerful sorcerer Shit man. Yeah So as this guy's text genie you would advise him not to uh I would advise you to find a new girl Right to help you with this flirtation because that's how you met your last girlfriend

That's gonna be how you meet your next girlfriend. What do you think about tip into the old pot of soup? Is that a is that a phrase it is now you don't want the old cold soup? Yeah, you want that new hot soup reheat that soup Uh, are girls good at texting for guys about girls? Do you know what I mean? Um Oh, yeah, I think I've gotten advice from girls about texting girls and it's always terrible really well You know as good as that girl in austin. She was good. Yeah. Yeah, she would but like she was good at texting guys She wouldn't be good at texting girls. Oh, are you better at texting for guys or for girls? I think I could text for both. I think

It's just different because like sometimes girls will text something. They know a girl would want to hear And guys will text something. They know a guy would want to hear right you have to keep in your head that like You can't always tell people exactly what they want to hear sometimes It's like I'm gonna text you what I want to say You have to interpret that in your way that you will does that make sense not to me But I'm glad it does to you. All right, because you're the guy writing texts It's not like it's in it's intangible. I can't I really can't teach it. That's the best part It's a skill that you can't even impart to anybody else even if they want to that's why like football players make a lot of money

Because like if you're like, hey, how do you be fast? Like, oh, you just like pump your legs really hard Yeah, I don't get tired and if I get hit it doesn't hurt that much. Right. I'm super human Yeah, so their skill is football and yours is Writing texts that are funny and charming Yeah I guess which one of us is more talented Me or Adrian Peterson, of course the football what I don't beat my kid. You don't have a kid But if I did

Well, who knows if he was being a total shit I might uh, I might do something about it Uh, all right, so our advice to this guy is don't ask your ex-girlfriend Uh, because it's impossible for her to be completely unbiased and removed from the situation ask at least if not text Jake then uh friend who's less involved in the Yeah, you can like just work on it. You can get better at flirting and texting just keep on like just keep at it You know what I'm saying? Yeah, uh, it's that 10,000 hours. Shit. Yeah, dude You don't you don't want to you don't want to be relying on your ex-girlfriend for a long time

And then because then you're gonna meet your new girlfriend Like man, you're so good at texting and and then you'll be like, oh, yeah My ex totally texted for me Actually most of the time you were texting my ex. Yeah, isn't that funny? You should be in a relationship with her I know I wish I was It's not a good base even if it works you're saying it's not a good foundation for the next uh relationship I don't think so Um, all right next question. Give me another name. This is a guy

okay, um Sam Sam writes I want to do you want to hear the context of how I came up with sam What was the first one? These are all like in my history of texting. Oh, okay So it's Carson daily and then sam is your dad sam is my dad because I didn't have a cell phone So my dad would give me his cell phone on the weekends. Oh You little shit so from Friday to sunday I had a cell phone that I could text people with

Oh, so this is very early on. I must have been like 15 years old My friends would like call that cell phone. So you've almost been texting for half your life. Yeah I remember my friends would call that cell phone during the week and my dad would just pick up and yell at them This isn't jake's phone during the week He almost brought it on himself coming up with that weird system where you guys share his cell phone And then you would you would pick it up when his his friends would call on saturday This isn't sam's phone on the weekend. It's a mistress Um, i'm just joking obviously

He would never do that. You think my dad my dad already fucking my dad tried to cheat on my mom. He struck gold He struck gold with my mother and that and lightning doesn't strike gold twice Yeah, if uh, if you know if you catch my drift, which you shouldn't because that sentence doesn't make any sense He struck gold, but lightning doesn't strike gold twice. You know what i'm saying there Yeah, I just think like yeah, no he He pulled a rabbit out of his ass with my mother and he can't that's not something that you can That's not something you're gonna fuck with that's not something you could even do again Yeah, you can't duplicate that. It is funny to lovingly refer to your mom as an ass rabbit

Love you mommy. Uh, all right sam her wits writes. Hey guys I just started out on tinder and after an hour or so I matched with this beautiful girl I gave her my number and we texted for two minutes then no response We mentioned getting coffee so I waited two hours and I told her I was free still nothing I waited two hours later and asked if she had plans. I guess in my excitement of this match I sent three dreaded texts then to add I accidentally found her on okay cute But in check to see if it was her and it was and it was so I messaged her on that because she sees who visits her profile Anyway, what did I do wrong and how can I fix it? Did I seem too forward?

Should I wait a week and then text her again call her I'm freaking out and I don't want to lose this dime Love sam call her you got to call her If she if you messaged her three times and she didn't respond I fear the only hit her up on okay cupid and she didn't respond I think a call just a call is an order. Yeah, and if she doesn't answer leave a voicemail leave another voicemail call again and then I feel like between The the number the profile and the okay cupid stuff you can triangulate her actual location Show up uh show up outside of her house and then kill yourself in front of her I feel like that's the path we're going down, right?

I know I'd hate to extrapolate too much, but I feel like that's what's going down. Um, you do what you're You're running the risk of You know being flagged for a restraining order, I think unfortunately. Yeah, you're being a psychopath You have to you have to not you're harassing her. I'm sorry It's hard to say don't read into it too much But if someone doesn't respond to a single text Is that game over can a girl be interested in me and I text her and she doesn't respond?

I feel like it's reading so much into it, but it's true. Isn't it she gets the text and she decides not to respond Yeah, I think you if you Like if a girl texted me and I wasn't interested and I didn't respond that's I fear game over forever It's not forever. Well, this is how you should have played it So I'm gonna give you advice that you can't follow but you can follow going forward She doesn't respond to one text Stop just don't do anything and then wait a day or two and then text her again You just sort of recharge reboot the conversation

Act like the the last text never even happened. Oh, I see so you have to wait Exactly. You just you let it reset. Right. You let it reset. How long does that reset take? I think a day or two But you don't you don't you don't Three texts in a row then contacts are on something you already had her number. Why revert to okay cupid? Oh, you're saying that's a that's a de-evolution but it's all but it's like this creepy It's this creepy thing where you're like standing in the foyer Of her house that's having her number You're standing in the foyer and she goes to another room and you're waiting

And what you're supposed to do is just wait in the foyer and what he's instead done is You call to her you're in the foyer. You're in the foyer. You're in the house. It's okay. You call to her She doesn't respond He calls to her louder She didn't respond and then you start to walk you around the downstairs and she's like Now she's taken to hiding because she doesn't know what to do You're still in the foyer, but for some reason you exited the house climbed up a trellis and you broken through the attic It's the you're being a you're being creepy

So let's let's the what's the at this point the police are coming to this house. You you have to vacate Yeah, you have to start over you the house needs to burn down to the ground So if you match with someone on tinder and move it to text Best best course of action play it cool. Yeah, you have the number and you're saying Text only when texted back I'm saying you tech All right, I guess what I'm saying is Or you don't have to have said it already if yet. She doesn't general advice

Text My general advice for what texting imagine tinder. Yeah Just be friendly and have fun and make jokes But but never send two in a row always wait to respond always respond two in a row is fine Just like You don't want to like ask a question have her not respond and then like ask more questions Because then she's like, oh this guy is like not taking a hint Right. I think people are almost testing like can they take a hint? Yes, they can take a hint

So I can keep on going because when I'm done they can take a hint You just there it's a creepy test it for a lady. It's like let me see what happens If I don't respond to this guy for a couple hours and you've you've failed you freaked out You freaking you you told us you were freaking out. What do I do? I'm freaking out You shouldn't have freaked out. Uh, I like the logic that he has in his email, which is uh I accidentally found her on okcupid and checked to see if it was her and it was so I messaged her because she sees who visits her profile You accidentally checked to see if she was on okcupid And then when you realized that she saw that you saw her profile you messaged her because she she would see who visited her

So like in your brain she saw that you visited and you're like I had to message at that point No, you did not sad. Yeah, like oh, shit. I'm in her profile. I'll just hey just checking to see if it was you Waiting on your text from tinder dope cool Go get them tiger. So we're being a little mean, but it's hopefully a necessary uh Cold what is it cold comfort harsh tough love tough love? Yeah It's cold comfort. I like and tough love. It's cold comfort tough love and Coidirection, you know what it helps is uh to have more than one girl

Yeah, because then all your eggs aren't in one basket. I want to have lots of different eggs You're not feeling you're not you can only have so much of your pie charts And if you have a hundred percent to one girl or one other person one thing that gets you excited then you you put too much Emotional stock in it right you want to spread it around one goes away. That's okay. You still got 60% of your stuff and something else Can I make a little can I make a look can I paint a little picture here? Sure Can I uh, so do you mind if we pause the podcast and I get an easel? What? I want to paint a picture on an easel not even a canvas. You want to paint the easel Yeah, so I'm gonna paint this picture. You want to you know all your eggs in one basket

You don't even want to have one type of egg. Oh, I'm saying great a brown farmers market That's a good farm fresh. That's a delicious egg. That's the kind of egg you break in your hand and you can hold the yolk Okay, that's your that's your prize egg. Okay, then guess what we got some we got some little eggs I picked up at 7 11. We have like a cracked egg on the ground the other day. Oh, we got we've got like Just an egg shell that for whatever reason you're saving or what about my my mini carton of egg white onlys mini carton egg white only You've got you've got a cadbury egg. You got a little Chocolate egg over there. You've had ovary. That's your sugar woman's ovary That's not kind of egg. You got a you're a sociopath. You got a lot different eggs

So I want to like the quality this girl. I understand she might be the farm fresh egg That might have that might have been the egg still warm from that rooster's ass. Oh my god Roosters don't like I don't know how this shit works But so you you can't freak you have to like have these other eggs that you don't give a shit about So when the farm fresh egg comes comes out, you know how to take care of it You know how to hatch that into a delicious little Chicken or you know how to cook that into a perfect little omelet. Uh, which one is sex? Um

Sex is the omelet sex is well sex is sort of enjoying a a perfectly poached egg Oh, yeah, or is he a poached egg? Really a nice quiche or a frittata almost that's a frittata with a little meat in it You know what i'm talking about i'm talking about your sausage, dude This is your text advice. I want to make a frittata with a little bit of sausage Uh, but unfortunately you dropped this egg on the ground and it was the one you wanted to eat more than anything Yeah, but that's okay. There'll be other eggs. There are always other eggs. Yeah, there's plenty of eggs in the sea, bud Yeah, don't you worry? Yeah What are those eggs doing there? I'm afraid of what happened that got eggs into the ocean. Oh caviar

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And it's extra affordable. That's better help HELP.com slash if I were you check them out. Thanks better help Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way For dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design To create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online You can do an online store. They have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Uh, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace Um, all right next question Yes Hey guys. Oh shit. We need a name. Is it a guy or a girl? And this could be a girl great We'll call her Rebecca because that was the first girl

I texted Rebecca writes My problem with texting are smiles and emojis. I don't know when and how many I should use It seems to me that sometimes a sentence is definitely a guy. Yeah It seems to me that uh Sometimes a sentence looks rude without any smile since there's no voice intonation to help express the emotions What do you usually you what do you usually do? Also, do you use the old style of colon parentheses smiles or do you use the new iphone emojis?

Very toad to you guys love Rebecca I could write a fucking book on emojis. Yeah, I'm serious and it would be written in emojis It would the title would be eggplant smiley face handgun and then the word cool in a square and then the money flying away Always the money flying away You're pro emoji Very as a rule. It's fun. It's friendly. It's it's It's like a challenge when somebody does like a a group of good emojis Yeah, like I want to search through my emojis and respond. It's actually this is slightly unrelated

But it's it's this is unsolicited tender advice. Oh, shit. Remember Well, let's let's not give it away for free. We have a website now. Oh, yeah, pay me for it Uh, this episode is brought to you by text shake.com Continue. Do you want the unsolicited tender advice? Yeah. Yeah. Should we say this? No, no. Yeah. Yeah, all right um I tried this on you and it worked and I haven't tried it a bunch, but I know it would work You tried it for me. You mean? Yeah, I tried it. Oh, and I tried it on you. Yeah, I would imagine tender uh, I wrote

Ola like ola sara como a star Yeah, and she wrote back in Spanish because everybody likes to fucking showcase that You're like you say something in Spanish. They're like, oh, I can respond in Spanish and I will yeah, there's no chance I don't think there's any chance somebody ignores that totally Okay, so great great opening line is a Spanish Spanish. Just unless you're Spanish then French And that's it. It doesn't go to any other lower layers than that So what does emoji also if you match with somebody who's very who's uh, Hispanic looking it might be racist. Yeah, don't tread lightly

um, but I just think ola como star Every time they'll respond. Uh, and then the emoji. Where does that fit in? Um, all right. Oh, so emojis is Similar you you write emojis. It sort of inspires somebody to be like, I want to do that too. I want to make an emoji joke Yeah, I want to find a silly emoji to share. Oh, that's good. So that's a good way to like Flirt, yeah, and you can get pretty, uh Clever with your emojis. I think so. Yeah, you can like make little rebuses almost Was a rebus like a a pictograph like when you said try to top that but you did a top hat

Oh, so like that's it's like try to and then a top hat and it's like you almost have to Solve it like a puzzle. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of fun. Very fun. Yeah, and um and um, all I'll say is Don't use the semicolon smiley face emoji a lot But it is a nice. It's nice. It's definitely it's nice and the winky's nice It's good to be retro to be throwback I wouldn't use it every single line. There's other ways to to develop or to show your intonation Yeah, yeah, there's the bigger picture of how to like

When do you use exclamation point when to use dot dot dot like these are like little ways to uh, Add frosting to the cake of your sentence. Just like lots of extra letters, you know, people are like Oh, okay, period. Just looks like you're like, hey, let's meet at the bar at six. Okay, period Oh, shit would 6 30 be better. Yeah, I said six was okay, but like no, you can't just be like, okay, period Yeah, but if you write that society, we're all too insecure. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to say at the time has passed Sorry, grandfather. This is why you'll never text But if uh, if you write the letters o and then k and then an exclamation point It's the same word. It is the same word. Okay, exclamation point. Okay, k k k k k k a exclamation point

I would say Fuck, okay. You never need to say it. Let's meet at the bar at six. Perfect period. Yes, period That is friendly, but those are good. It's fun. What about a smiley face is ugly. Forget it So you're you're you're you're getting rid of okays. Yeah Okay, it's dead. What about fine. Sure No, never If it's not if it's if it's okay, then it's perfect. Yeah, if it's perfect Then that's the perfect is not okay. Okay is not okay and perfect is perfect

Yeah, or like if you if you would like if six six is okay And you want it to be some if you want it to be seven if seven would be perfect, right seven would be perfect Oh, always make it perfect. Don't settle for okay. I should be a motivational speaker Always be perfect. Don't settle for okay. Then I just go back behind the stage and cry Oh Periods are also pretty bad, right ending a sentence in a period. Yeah, I don't like periods periods a little final a little somber a little morose Um, let's take a break. Uh, we have nothing to say but uh, but uh, I guess let people know once again if you're joining us

Uh text jake.com is live. It's available to you if you want it and uh, we also have a live podcast coming up In los angeles november 13th november 13th We've sold out about half our tickets, but there's still another half still available. So please do it do it You got to come grab it while it's hot. Uh, it's always a fun time And it's it's extra fun when there are more people there You want to know what'd be cool if we started like a big whiskey thing, right? Because we drink whiskey on the stage. Sure. I say everybody in the crowd should have Whisky as well. Oh, sort of like how the man show had everybody with like big beer mugs

Yeah, like the ziggies. I want like everybody in in the audience holding up a whiskey when I cheers. Oh, that's good So so everybody order bullet bourbon on the rocks. It's on you You it's on you. Yeah to do that. Obviously we can't afford a drink for everybody in the tent No, I'll have one. I'll have one up on the stage and we'll be cheersing and we'll be very toda very toda together That's the key. Um, don't we have other shows? I don't do we have one in vermont's We have one in middlebury college, but it's available only to students But I think if you're passionate enough and you live in vermont, you can find a way Yeah, if if you are true to your heart and you know for a fact you really want to make it happen. I think

For for for us you can make it there I don't think there's ever been somebody who tried to go to a show like that and couldn't right like sorry students only Hit the road Yeah, because if if that happens if you buy a ticket you show up and they're like you don't have a student idea Then I'll just come out and put you on my list and you'll be fine. Yeah What do you mean? I put you on your list. I'll just be like this guy's with me is my plus one Sorry, sorry. You can't come in. He's a student. All right, then I can't do the show. Whoa. All right. Let's not overreact I'm here. Can you do the show by yourself? Absolutely?

I think I can what you even the non-student just me and this student We're going to a bar bullet bourbon on the rocks, baby. It's on you Uh, all right, should we get to our last last question final one? Let's do this the final something um Yeah, another dude who doesn't quite know how to text Okay, um, well Let's do Micah the last guy to text me my brother

Micah young Michael writes Hey jna long time listener first time emailer I recently gotten back into contact with a friend that I had when I was younger She's beautiful intelligent funny and we have an incredible amount in common personality wise. I've absolutely fallen for her This is where the problem sets in when we first started talking again We had a lot to catch up on but now it's hard to find something we haven't previously discussed We haven't even had a whole lot of life experience to talk about me being 19 her being 20 But since she's currently studying at a far university, we're unable to hang out in person

Which in my opinion is where I excel communicatively So finally my question for you Casanovas is how can I keep up a texting conversation with this girl without rehashing old topics? I love jake's previous advice of being the solace of her boring day Uh, and if you guys can share similar tidbits of information, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much Micah um Yeah Do you get do you understand this thing where it's like, okay? We've caught up completely we we can no longer

Talk about old things. We have to come up with new things to talk about now Yeah, I understand this moment of panic because catching up is easy. How's this? How's this like? Oh, this is so fun And then you're done. What's next? But once you get over this hump, it's gonna be better. It's gonna be beautiful You don't want to dwell in the past live in the now look forward to the future. Remember your past. It is what shaped you Visit the past, but don't live there live in the now look to the future Recall the past you can go back. We're losing the past is nice. Let's talk about the past I love the past the past the past the past. How is this? How is this? Remember when we did this?

But now look at the now look into the now But look beyond to the future and when you're in the future You'll look back on the now and you'll smile and you won't even remember the past And in the future the future will be the now and you'll be looking forward to the present and the future And the past is what made you awful So convoluted Somebody has to write that down. Yeah, because someone write it down. I want it to be the forward of my book

Just a crazy man's rambling. That's the forward of the book and the rest is all emojis. Oh, yeah So it's still called eggplant handgun smiley face. It's just the forward is passed forward by insane man Uh, can you or what do you do? This is kind of like the same situation when you have a lady friend and you guys text all day And then you talk at night and you're like, uh, I've told you everything now We have to talk about things that didn't just happen Well, this is how you move forward because I think right now this guy Is listening to my old advice being the solace of her boring day

You know your bright spot very cute She's like, ah my day was long and boring and i'm looking to you to make me smile and laugh Yeah, now you need to be a pillar of strength the whole hort So from solace of boring to pillar of strength Yes, so she is going to look for you not for not for a laugh, but for validation Like how is this class? It was really hard. I don't know if i'm good at it No, your teacher is dumb. You're smart You say these things that inspire me and I can see that you are a beautiful person

And then she's like wow, you are validating to me when I feel low I will look to you for strength You are my pillar of strength and I don't mean in the sense that she's weak and she needs you But she will feel emboldened by your genuine love for her Okay, it is a beautiful So at first you you're it's a it's a flirtatious thing you you get this you get your text and you see this person's name on your phone You're like, yeah, that's what I that's what excites me. She texted me this person or this guy texted me I like seeing her the phone on the lock screen. That's like a nice little cheap thrill

I like it because it makes me happy and and laugh Then you become you delve deeper like a sperm entering an egg you become not only just like a Added bonus in her life, but something that she actually almost borderline needs to hold up Now she's looking towards you not just for the the frosting, but the cake itself Yes, you need to actually provide her with some nutrients. I think of it as a tree. Right. Okay. So at first you're just This isling is fun. It's it's cute. You're watering it. You might be like eating some berries off the branches. They're not poisonous They're actually pretty tasty But is this tree gonna stand the test of time only if you nurture it only

Only if you allow it to grow by giving it love and all the things that it needs uh, what is there anything to Asking like being the first person to like uh Being the one who looks for her to be your pillar of strength like maybe you say to her Hey, I have this problem. Yeah, I mean whether that's really otherwise I think it definitely works both ways because otherwise you're just some sort of like Weird therapist who doesn't go through who doesn't like open up or share anything. It's a relationship

So you have to tell you have to be vulnerable to and see how she reacts to that That's the first step in the text thing is like when things get serious because at first it's so lighthearted and flirty And once you get back past that stage, we're like, hey, can I ask you like can I ask you something? Or just like saying that you're just like, oh, shit's getting real like I think the most part shouldn't really be done over text. I think texting should always be like Pretty flirty and fun. Yeah, but sometimes you're gonna need to say things that are like to get a little bit real true Yeah, but I wouldn't ever be like Insecure and sad over text. No, not to be like, hey, this like you said this earlier and it really bothered me

Right This it's it's almost good to bring up other problems. Hey, can I ask you your opinion on something? Can I do this because then it's like, oh, I value your mind Exactly. Hey, can I value your mind on this and then that's great because it allows that's a very good point You want a good you want to let every you want to let everybody feel like a superhero and you want to be someone's superhero too So you're like, oh shit I had such a bad day and somebody needs to say something nice to lift me up Right and then she rises to the occasion. She is a superhero to you. She makes you feel better

You feel good. She feels good because she made you feel good And then when it's her turn, it's like taking care of somebody when they're sick You know when when i'm sick, you'll be waiting on me, but when you're sick, I'll be waiting on you too You take care of each other. That's beautiful. It really is. So is there anything you look to the future? You live in the now and you remember the the past but that's what they do So here's my tip for him What could he say he should instead of just bringing up old stuff let her in on a problem that he's having Emotional dilemma if it's not there make one up. There you go. How's that? That's very good. How's that for devious?

I like that. So saying oh, can I ask you can I ask your opinion on something? Can I uh pick your brain for a moment? Then she feels like oh He values me as more than just a flirtatious partner, but as an intelligent advice source not like, you know, my my dad hits my sister No Maybe but my mom hits my brother. Yeah. Yeah, something You can still talk about familial abuse And also I'll just mention one Other thing if you don't if you're afraid of getting that deep right now

Yeah, if you want if you want to build to that even slower Something that's always fun is since you've talked about the past talk about things that you're looking forward to Like a fake making up a fake trip like one day. Let's go to the rainforest or whatever Oh, yeah, you you you get into that. Yeah, that's always fun You're like one day we're going to take this road trip down the coast or down all the all from Buenos Aires to Patagonia, yeah Okay, and then you start and then it's fun because you can just like google image search these Exotic locations screenshot them and send them to her. It's all thoughtful and you're building an image together right fantasy together

Exactly build a fantasy together is always is always fun because then she'll see like She'll see something and she'll be like, oh that reminds me of this like fake life that we've Envisioned and here it is. I think she's looking forward to it And romanticizing this time that she could be spending with you and then one day She'll find something like in a library and send you a picture and it's like, oh man Now i'm making her think about me when she's just out and about in the wild And that's the ultimate the ultimate. Yeah, when you're getting unrequited texts You've inceptioned her to the point

It sounds so devious, but it's very kind. Yeah, because he likes her right devious when you Have no interest in yeah, if you do this just as a weird social experiment. We don't recommend that right If your intentions are pure if your heart is pure, but how do you get into that? How do you get into the Hey, you want to take a trip? That seems like a lot of you gotta know what she likes. She's like, oh, I love I love wales Yeah For instance, I don't fucking right who the fuck likes wales Whalers of course All right, no, I'm just kidding if she likes whales then you like, you know

Hey, we should like there's a whale watching trip in Antarctica and then you start yeah, whatever. It's just like Pinpoint something she likes Heighten it to like an extreme version of what a rich, uh A zealous billionaire would do yeah And then there you go and watch the emotional rewards just pour on down boom, baby If you guys have your own questions, please email us at ifirishow at gmail.com if you want jake Hurwitz's Specific detailed expertise on a text message conversation that you're having in your life

Once again text jake.com open for business You excited you like these you like waking up and having a bunch of text message conversations to go through Is it good of you? Howdy It's your it's your happy place Um, so thanks so much guys We couldn't have done it without you your emails inspire us and embolden us to create these businesses that may be Completely built to fail. It's it's absolutely unscalable. It's unreasonable

We're capping our messages because we can't even afford to become more successful than the limited capabilities that we have There's only one jake. I'm sorry, baby Uh, so get in it while uh before jake decides to give up forever Uh, yeah, that's it. That's our time The uh, if you still have opening theme songs or facebook thumbnail submissions The email address is always the same if I reach show at gmail.com Thanks to camilo for writing the opening theme song and as for the closing theme song. Well, let's just say thank you to

Ah I never look in time. Oh Jordan in australia who wrote a true detective parody for us. What that's pretty chill. Yeah, let's hear it Then i'm gonna go listen to booty in your face Booty in my face. Exactly. Uh, all right, cool. See you guys. Bye You can either walk away or stand strong and see Oh So if I were you

Oh So Have you had your daily dose of adam corolla yet? Nope Well, maybe you want to listen to love line when you want where you want or you want to hear adam and dr. Drew Do a classic love line from the 90s Yes, then do yourself a favor and get to podcast one dot com right now. That's podcast on e dot com