If I Were You - 113: Bad Skin (with Jon Gabrus!)

Episode Date: November 3, 2014

Comedian and friend Jon Gabrus joins us to discuss discuss acne, trinkets, and communes.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox, MeUndies, and Prosper.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Saturday morning, I flip through my phone Just to see what's Gucci Tinder's my game, I use a fake name Just to get some Gucci I pull up my pants and nice laundry socks And the new me undies I just want a snack from her nature box She's a real life cutie in her profile picture Swipe right, swipe right, cause I need to know Gotta earn this booty better make it quick She's a 10 cent piece and a goddamn smoke show Won't you tell me what to do I'm gonna show it if I were you Maybe I'm a douchebag too I'm gonna email him anyway

Wow That's my favorite one, that's my favorite one ever I think Dan W and Maria W God that song's catchy Gabrus, what'd you think? I truly enjoyed it, that was a solid parody, I'm assuming cause I don't know anything about pop music But I'm glad that Dan and his wife and or sister, or someone who also last name just starts with a W Are working together to make stuff like that

Yeah, we're happy for them We start every episode with a theme song made by our fans, sometimes their parody song Have you ever heard that? The rude? Why you gotta be so rude? Yeah, I do know Did these people know that that's your favorite song? That's not my favorite song Busted How dare you, it's my second favorite song

My favorite song is Jason Mraz's Crazy dream I'm yours Oh no, your favorite one is um, is um, is um, I know it, I know it You made my favorite current song or all time? My favorite current, your favorite current song Well I think your favorite current song is probably like that Kendrick's song maybe or like an Eminem song I feel like I'm watching a husband dig himself deeper with his wife

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, your favorite There's five songs Our first dance was, no, no, no, no, I got this, I got this You're like this song, you like this Well my favorite song is our song And um, and I know it's your favorite cause it's mine I just have to think about what mine was and uh, what song are you thinking of?

Are you thinking of a specific song or just in general? Why do you just come clean and help him out here? I don't know what he's thinking Are you thinking of that Let Her Go song? That Let Her Go song by passenger, the guy who sings with a guitar Oh not that song That's not that song. Yeah, the rap song. Did you just describe someone as the guy who sings with a guitar? That's just called music You're touching your chord again. I'm sorry. It's okay. I wasn't touching that purpose

That was just I know it was just and I didn't think you were touching on purpose I just wish we wouldn't have to do this every time. Okay. I'm sorry. Fuck. What is that song? It's gonna kill me the song that I like. Yeah Is it a rap song? It's sort of like a pop song. That's a lot like why you got to be so rude. Oh Is it all about the bass? No, it's not what has bang bang go it's like bang Yeah, that one is it by the way, am I wrong am I wrong by Nico and yes, that's it. Yeah, that's a good one, too So John Gabriel

I thought I was just here to counsel you Thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for having how would our fans know who you are Your fans might know me as I've been in a bunch of college humor videos Yeah, and or if your fans also Unplugged from Jake and Amir and watch television. Why? If they enjoy things on a bigger screen, they might know me from guy code on MTV and assorted other comedy podcasts and live performances when people at the UCB and the UCB theater and otherwise So if people stop you on the street, what's the number? Can you tell what they know you from based on what they look like?

Yeah, if they're black, they know me from guy code and if they're like White like hipsters, they know me from UCB shows, right? Yeah, but if they're black and I what if they're a black hipster? If they're a black hipster, they don't know who the hell I Think if they're a black hipster, they know me from my Cornell West Documentary that I made It used to be really like it was funny for a while like I'd be walking down the street And I'd see like two young black dudes walking up to me, and I'd be like, oh fuck. I'm in trouble now

What's up? I'm like, hey, and I guide code and I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's me And that's gonna be the first thing I do if I'm ever in like a sketchy situation. I'm like, you watch Now I'm just being truly So this is an advice podcast I don't know if you've ever listened to but basically people email us at if I were you show a gmail.com And they're asking for our advice and we read a couple of their emails and try to advise them out of it Sometimes just me Jake and sometimes we have our funniest friends join us Okay, cool. So you by episode 113 you found all right. Well, I guess it's time to bring in Gabriel

Really old phone book. Yeah, we've already had Gerwitch five times. It's time to fucking never We don't live in the same city as him so we can't do Skype. Well, we did it in New York for a couple months. All right That's quite enough We'll edit all this out Just a beep though not not even cutting 30 seconds of beeps we should just bleep heard we never beep Gerwitch bleep Gerwitch. We never bleeped Gerwitch All right Should we get to some of these questions? We gave these are real emails, but we give them fake names to preserve their anonymity

Can you help us out there? Just every time I ask you for a fake name? You can do whatever you want. This is just a 20 year old student who's been courting a girl Okay Campus Nova, that's really good. It's Nova like Casanova. Yeah. Oh, that should be it. I'm even thinking that all right That's shut up everybody. That's the name of my new movie. Yeah, I just sold a goddamn pitch in the room Do you realize how hard that is to do really? It's Zach Efron and Olivia Newton-John. Oh my god. She plays his mother of course. Oh No, she plays the teacher. Those are Amir's two favorite actors

Olivia Newton-John and Zach Efron are nobody's two favorite actors. Nobody likes them too and the most Olivia Newton-John and I love that Zach Efron and those that's really all the actors that I care about. How old am I? I have no idea. I'm 15 going on 49 That was like my idea of a Harold and Maude Re-reboot about an old guy and a young girl But the old guy is played by the young guy in Harold and Maude now He's an old guy and he likes a young girl and then every 40 years they can redo the movie

Oh, that you know, that's a money-making machine After like 160 years you'll have some serious chatter stacked up, but then we'll all be living until age 280 All right, so campus Nova writes I'll try to keep this short sweet and boxer brief I've been blessed since birth with very clean skin while my skin is horrifyingly white I've never had acne and I've never so much I've had two more than two pimples on my face at the same time I'm a 20 year old student who has been recently courting this girl and things have been going great and I think I'd like to go steady with her. Here's where things get sticky or should I say greasy this girl is hot I'm talking a straight-up nickel with a couple pennies

But she has very poor skin on her face and it's very oily and greasy after a week or so of hooking up I woke up with what can only be described as a pimple goatee I'm not so insecure that I can't handle a few pimples here and there but by dating this girl Will I also inherit her bad skin? I'm not in a position to tell her about it because we aren't that close yet And I know what you're thinking I know I can't pull the Jake fade away and slowly not talk to her because we sit next to each Other in every class should I just go with it? Should I say something to her? Should I just take better care of my own skin? Am I being a diva? I'd like to make it clear that I don't mind her imperfections But question if it's worth my piece of it pizza face. Thanks. Help me. Please love campus Nova

Now is that chock full of inside Jake and Amir references maybe so yeah Yeah, because I like fade away. Yeah, the Jake fade away. Yeah, I feel like I've listened to a couple of things I hear dime piece. Yeah. It was also mentioned in the song. Oh, yeah Yeah, so that's really weird. It's like they're all lexicon of you just Amir writes all these himself The next question up the next emails and not even in English Different language All right. Anyway, John, what do you think? I didn't hear anything of that So well, what what initial reactions do you have to that email?

My initial and I feel like this is always gonna be my initial reaction But I'll just say it for the first question while I'm on the point is relax. Yeah It's always going to be relaxed. Johnny says relax. Yeah Literally every question that is all-encompassing. Yeah, let's just get that out at the top I'm gonna not say it every time but just going forward the answer is always just relax. You know what I mean? You're 20. She's not gonna be your wife or she is you'll tall like but if you're getting Pussy like who cares if she's got some acne if you're okay with her having the acne like you clearly are Yeah, apparently you've been hooking up for a bit. Yeah, then be okay with getting a little

Shit on your face. You know what I mean? Maybe it's not be contagious like that I think it's the oil getting from her skin to his Do they have like a menage a toile with a slice of like artichoke pizza is how the fuck are they getting how much oil? Can you transfer from face to face? I don't even like So grease. Yeah, he'll kiss her and just pull away shiny Like yeah, it was buff submerged into a deep fryer almost. Yeah I mean, I've gone through I've gone through way worse just to get hooked, you know hook up with a chick So I think fucking a little acne on the chin is no big deal

That were way more contagious. I know yeah Yeah, you wait till you got the greasy ball That's gonna be the situation when you've got the discharge. You're gonna be you're gonna be hoping for a pimple good Yeah, yeah, talk to me when you got discharged. I'll still tell you to relax when you're like now I have pimples all over my pubic area Those ones aren't going away And then they're also some not pimples but lesions almost inside the urethra I can't leave but I can feel yeah, your standards were so low

My hair has been falling out in clumps, but I gotta do something about my chin pimples But she's so hot, right? I say maybe also like after you hook up if this is like a steady thing or before you hook up Maybe just without saying anything to her just be like, oh, hold on. I gotta go wash my face. Oh, yeah Just said that like that's a thing you could just say that yeah But if you say I'm gonna go wash my face like and just be like it's just what I do at night Yeah, you know, maybe that's a little precedent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I feel like this people with bad skin often I feel like she must be hyper aware of yeah

Yeah, I try to take care a 20 year old girl with bad skin is aware that she has bad skin Yeah, she's not like oh, I didn't even notice I had these it yeah We should tell her to relax cuz wherever she is she's freaking the fuck out She and there's about if however many girl listeners you have every one of them thinks this is them They're like fuck. It's me. They know they know Especially if she's pretty if she's hot then she knows she has bad skin like if she if it's not like her top But she's like a monster. It's not gonna be on the top of her worst nightmare is like this guy emailing You like I think I'm catching her bad skin

Yeah, like that's literally her She has her zits are so bad. They're spreading to my face jumping off of her chin and onto mine But that also could be I don't know how much campus nova hooks up But just in general if you never really hook up with like just a lot of facial contact with anyone whether they have Pimples or not or greasy skin or not. You're just opening yourself up to it You're exchanging oils you're exchanging oils no matter who it is or if you're going down there Like your face is just touching all new things. It hasn't touched That's cool. So maybe it's he's developing an intolerance to her zits

Oh, just let him fester on your face. Yeah, maybe your skin will start to reject them The worst way this works out is that she dumps him eventually because his skin is too bad Clips her I can handle the having her zits to him Yeah, I'm a 10. What if his face just starts to get more pimply and her starts to get less Yeah, she's stealing she had a maximum number of zits and they're just moving. They're just migrating He's like the rogue of like he's just like slowly draining her power until it kills him The thing is I was hot when I had pimples you're you can't afford that You were you were on the

You're lucky that I was knocked down a few pegs now I can get someone much better than you who's getting worse So and we're not even gonna talk about the dangerous situation that it is to be hooking up with a girl Who you sit next to in every yeah How do you end up in the same every class unless you're both just like aquatic engineers or some super specific major College has assigned seats. Yeah, and you're just sitting next to the girl you hook up with is the girl you sit next to in every class That's a bad idea. That is that's a nightmare in and of itself It stresses them out a little bit, too

And like don't just tell me to stop talking to her cuz I can't yeah sit next to her in every class I can't ever stop talking to her ever again. There'll be a new semester. We just opened a law firm together Talking to which is my wife I can't do the Jake Hurwitz wife fade away Oh, I faded away from a nine-year relationship. Yeah, they're away from the wife the kids Yeah, just pull back slow and slow daddy didn't pick you up today Daddy didn't pick you up today. I'll pick you up today But they're not the next three days and then all the sudden daddy never has to pick anybody

Because daddy's picking up other kids now daddy daddy goes that's funny You're cheating on your family, but by doing responsibilities for another person. Yeah, you just are you fucking here? I'm just picking up her kids. He's like meet a new woman who has a whole new family and you just move on It's called the switch. It's a perfect seamless Oh, like the whole way up except though the wife. Yeah, the whole family hop the home home. That's it That's my other movie that were homey hop is another movie. I'm working on really yeah where black dudes Just all switch friends for a day It really doesn't have that much drama and

Pretty fine they actually discovered that they just meet new friends and people in the way So basically relax and take better care of your own skin sounds good wash your face Yeah, you might be able to like set some sort of precedent if you're like I gotta go wash my right I think breathe good behavior breathes more good behavior Like if I'm if I'm lying in bed with somebody and they're like, I'm gonna go brush my teeth I'm like, I'll go brush. Yeah, you don't want to be the guy that doesn't brush. Yeah, right Like I'm gonna wash my face. Okay. Well, I don't want you to go watch your face and then come back with like and I'll feel extra dirty right and

Or like when you go into the urinal with a buddy like like and then you're like both about to leave and you're like I guess I'll watch I guess I'll watch you're both doing that chicken. Like are we both disgusting? That's just human behavior people are just mattress like if I'm getting fries like should we get cheese fries like that's cool Let's get cheese fry right you just do this a good version of that. Should we wash our face? Can I recommend benzoil peroxide six percent? Prescription straight salicylic acid. Let's do each other in every class forever. Did you guys have bad skin growing up? Do you know about all this stuff? I know of it all because Like people talked about it, but I never really had bad skin. I'm like a greasy sweaty Italian, but I've never had like yeah

Where's the grease go? Just like you can see it now as I'm start sweating hair up in here in my excuse me in my hairline and stuff like that I when I played football I got pimples on my chin because of my chin strap like I get like if I wear this greasy hat All day long like and sweat in it. I'll get pimple like I didn't tell I spot get pimples in the most obvious place Right, but you don't have the natural the oily Jewishness that just sort of forces its way out of your face I never had that like I had some pimples when I was in high school like everyone else But I never had to like yeah go on Accutane oh, yeah, my brother took Accutane shit was so bad that shit will it's like a nuclear bomb in your

I heard that it like affects you mentally like a lot of teen suicide It can be like maybe loosely linked to yeah, it's you into it I mean it doesn't help that if you are so far down the self-hatred that you're taking Chemical-grade medicine for your face right that might also be your pre predisposed a little bit of depression, right? But I was the worst I was worse than that because I was not bad enough for Accutane But too bad for everything else Yeah, so I was just stuck in the middle zone where I couldn't take pills and then like this shit would just dry me out But I would still have zits. Yeah, that's the pits

You know what else I heard this is a little off topic, but I heard that people who suffer from IBS D Bowel syndrome. Yeah irritable bowel syndrome D means diarrhea like loose instead of IBS C, which is constipation Oh, people suffer from that it is There the suicide rate is four times higher than just normal depression really Is that crazy so if you have diarrhea is more sad than depression? Well, it's because this is like the most extreme cases of it because you can't leave the house because you like You're so full of like you're always embarrassing yourself because you're always shit like you're getting Shitting runs my life to a minor degree these people are like shitting literally predicts what they can and can't do for the rest of their life

Oh my god Yeah, I learned that from a friend who works with pharmaceutical advertising and they're working on like cures for IBS D I was like it's so oh man. Yeah, if I had that I would pay anything to be cured Right, right and if you imagine that the ability that's like every time you leave the house There is a seventy five percent chance you will Release fecal matter into your pants in public It's so sad that it's almost making diarrhea. Not funny, right? There you laugh hysterically why sneeze that of my ass I

Leaky faucet it out God I thought leaky faucet was bad then he said rusty water Worst way I've ever died rate is scribed All right, let's uh picture. Let's go to this next question. This is from a lady. Do you have a lady's name? Oh, that's so that's all I have is lady. It's all the context Do you want to give me one cuz I feel like advice comms is like okay? I lost in minnewaska Yeah, this girl doesn't know if she did something wrong or if her boyfriend is not being nice to her. Ooh suspect number zero

Number zero you had that before I said anything when you said thought she did something wrong All right, here we go IBSD suspect number zero writes Hey, I was a late bloomer and I got into my very first serious relationship with my current boyfriend just over a year ago When I was 24 we are both still in school live at home work during the week and live about an hour away from each other For the most part our weekly date nights and one night weekend sleepovers work for me But as I was talking to a girlfriend the other day I thought it was weird that we never spend more than one night together and haven't been on a little vacation together I always ask him to spend more than one night and he always has an excuse

I have also asked him to go away with me for a weekend nothing too extravagant extravagant just a yosemite or tahoe or something nearby And I even offered to pay for the whole trip and he still shot me down I get sad sometimes because I feel like he doesn't feel the same way for me as I do for him Leading me to get mad and start a fight wherein he tells me that I'm a mopey ass bitch Because I don't get because I don't get my way So here's my question. Do you guys think I'm overreacting? Is it plausible that after a year together spending a weekend together would be a reoccurring plan?

Or even to take a little weekend getaway every now and then since this is my first relationship I don't know if I'm asking too much, but I feel like regardless. I'm not a mopey ass bitch Maybe you guys can shed some light on the situation for me. Thanks. Love suspect zero She doesn't know better because this is her first relationship It sounds like a first relationship, right? It sounds like a high school It's funny because it really does sound like a high school or a college relationship Outside of when you're not when you don't go to school with the girl Yeah, it really feels like that one night a week we go on a date one night a week

we have a sleepover right and We talk on the phone every day, but it's weird that they're 24 and they both live with their parents So it's really has like a 17 year old parallel to it, right? Although when I was 17, I did not have the gumption to call a woman a mopey ass 29 and I still don't have that 24 you should not be calling women You shouldn't call women a mopey ass bitch no matter how mopey assy or bitchy she is I think I feel like if you call your girlfriend a mopey ass bitch, you don't get a girlfriend You take you get it makes that makes me think that's you she should take herself away from him. He's been he's been bad

This makes me it makes it think like now. This is just Jumping to the worst possible situation. He has another girlfriend Right in his house. So you guys have one weekly date night one weekly sleepover and the rest of the time he's cheating on you Yeah, yeah, he could hit or you're he's cheating on someone else With you or the other woman you are the other suspect number zero because why wouldn't you want to go away for one weekend with Unless he has now. I know we were just talking about ibs But it's hard to stay with a girl for two days if you have diarrhea You can only get away with it once but even if he had diarrhea

I would say it's not okay to call her to her face a mopey ass bitch Unless the diarrhea is really bad irritable. Yeah, it makes you irritable not just your vows In reality though. Yeah, you you should just not be spoken to like that and tell him that he should not be speaking to you Right. Well, I mean like I think that the mopey ass bitch is For sure unacceptable, but it's like the icing on this cake that's already taste terrible Right because it's like a year of Of her asking to spend more time of her wanting more to give himself more into this relationship and he's not So that's the that's the the problem. You're like

What is what are you getting out of this relationship at this point? Yeah, I think you're the one pushing it uphill and then you like finally are like I want to take a vacation with you and his reaction isn't like I understand that you want that it's just you're a mopey ass Yeah, so let's let's do a little intellectual exercise here Sure Let's see if we can get put ourselves in this dude's head and what would make what would be the best most positive reason Why he won't go on these vacations with her uh like what that he doesn't like her that much no no the most positive Yeah, that is the most that is the I was going to say the most positive is that he's afraid that it's going too fast

But one year is too long to be concerned about going too fast, right? Maybe it The the most I could give this guy and I don't want to give him anything is maybe that Maybe he's insecure because he likes you too much and he's like if you spend two days with me You might not like me as much. I want to keep this fresh and exciting So like one date night one sleepover and you'll stay interested. Oh, I have a theory. Okay Uh, he hasn't told her his parents that he has a girlfriend that could be it too I was only one night. She said ask him to take off. Does he maybe work? One day on the weekend and like he needs the money or likes his job or doesn't want to fuck

Like I she said she paid for it. This is just yeah, this is just in election just for the sake of the exercise Trying to see if I could see this guy's valuable exercise because we're struggling so much to give him any Right, that's what I'm saying And if it's like we're actively trying to be as creatively as possible to be like, why is this guy not an asshole? I still feel like because I don't want to outright call this guy an asshole because we don't know his point of view But I'm trying she might be really mopey. She might be really That was our advice. Oh shit to be fair, I would never call a girl a mopey ass bitch unless she was being like a Real mopey. Yo step one less moping step three less bitch

Step four less ass if you can imagine. I've never asked for less ass, but you need it I think the this seems like the end of a first relationship. You're ready for your second relationship. That's what yeah You might now know like well, that's this is that's a great point. I'm here now You know, I like to hang out with my boyfriend more than twice a designated week, you know That's what relationships are you're learning a little bit every single time and by the end you've got somebody You know as close to a Perfect match not right people will never be perfect So like the perfect match for you

Which is somebody who goes away on vacation and doesn't call you a mopey ass bitch. Yeah, every throwing out free vacations by the way Yeah I think I could drive to yosemite from california, right? Yeah, yosemite. That's a it's a five hour drive. It'd be a lovely vacation. Fuck if he doesn't want to go to yosemite with you But the three of us just go on vacation with this girl. It's all three of us. We realized midway through the week She was she really is a mopey ass bitch. She you're the fuck up. It's so sunny She won't go on a hike. She's staying in the tent just moping Uh

It seems like there's no good reason to call your gf a mopey sb Would you say this is grounds for termination? Just straight up get rid of this guy Yeah, I would say before because i'm a fan of like adaptation like if it's new to if in the relationships new to him too Maybe he needs to know you don't talk to me like that And it's important to me that you go on vacation and if you don't think that that's important to you Then we our priorities are different. Let's end this But maybe he just needs to be because if it's new to him too Relationships in general. Maybe he just needs to be pointed out that compromises a major part of really

You'd be surprised a few dudes, especially and young women too, right new to dating You'd be surprised a few people realized that like yeah, you kind of can't just do exactly what you want to do A major part of it is like dan savage calls it the price of admission Like yeah, it's just like part of relationship is yeah You might not like this about that person But if you like everything else you deal with that part you don't like That's I like that that was really sounded but we're not used to giving really sound advice on this show So i'm kind of taking it back. I thought that's why you brought me in yeah

113th funniest person, you know, but I also have like some good. Oh, no, we don't have guests every episode Yeah, yeah a lot of times you just forego even having a guest before Yeah, yeah, yeah Sometimes we'll just take it. You've done uh people who are funnier than me and nobody's several times And then got around to being like we just got all right. Let's just get this over with I think you got so tired of each other. We needed the third person in the room. It didn't matter who it was He listens to savage my favorite song Okay, so you're invited here to make me jealous. Yeah, this is so weird. This actually works

I don't know uh, so Out It's easier for us to say just break up with this guy But that might not be the worst thing But I guess you can give him a chance and let him know that he can't call you that And then let him know that you want to go on vacation And if he says no to both of those things or pushes back at all and calls you a mopey a b

Once again, then it's time to yeah, I like there's plenty of more dudes out there that like vacations And don't use the b word when referring to women. You should let him go which is another like we were talking about that song Yeah, let her go Is that the one with the guy who sings over music? It was a guy, but he has a voice, but it's not quite talking. Yeah, it's melodic That's also pretty he has pretty bad advice in that song. You only know you love her if you let her go Yeah, that's not so you let her go. I don't think that's true. Yeah, that's kind of risky Like oh, I really like this dog

Let me let it go in the park and then if it comes back to me We're meant to be all right And gone. Oh, I did The car just hit you That's unideal That is less than just as I found out. I loved it You're right. I do love the oh man, that's gonna hurt because now I really loved it Now what am I to do?

All right next question. Yeah, uh 21 year old guy from Connecticut uh The Hartford whaler Without any other context to what his question It's pretty good actually because he's you know, he's needed the advice. You call it w a i l e r Oh whaling like whaling in Hartford. That's good whaling in Hartford whaling in Hartford is even better because that's more like Yeah advice columnist. Let's I've been doing this for 113 episodes. Yeah, I know whaling

You brought it to my attention a couple of times Technically 112 and a half and I've been this partners with Amir for like seven or eight years now assuming we air this episode Which is still up in the air Uh, I'm a 21 year old guy from Connecticut and much like when I was 12 years old and discovered masturbation I've got into a really sticky situation on my hands a little over a year ago My ex and I broke up after several months of wallowing and self pity I finally saw the forest from the trees and noticed that the forest looks surprisingly like a cheating whore Fast forward to the present where I'm in a healthy relationship with a girl. So great. She's more crisp than a dollar and a dime

She's more of a crisp. She's more of a crisp dollar than a dime. I didn't even read that you're you're butchering this grammar Here's the problem when my relationship ended. I was so bummed I never got all my stuff back that she had borrowed from me Now most of it was trivial stuff a few books trinkets in the stutch such But she also had a necklace which was a gift my mother gave me and a baby blanket. I've had since birth I like my scent. I'd like my sentimental stuff back, but I don't want to deal with it or talk to that old bag ever again How do I get my shit back without ever seeing her again turning that question gavers looked at me with the funniest look on his face I'm sorry. When you said baby blanket, I was like, oh god

So basically how does he get his shit back without whaling and hardford is very fitting for this Yeah, he wants his baby wants his blanket back. Yeah, how do I get my wooby back? Fuck yeah, you know how you grow the fuck up. We don't want it back, bitch First of all, this guy's being a mopey as bitch. He is Being a mopey as bitch. Now I get it. I've got some I've got some layers here A. Why do you still have your baby blanket? B. How does your girlfriend end up with it? C. Why do you still need it back? That's sad sadder sadder

In that order, I know your girlfriend has my blankie and I need it back and a necklace my mother gave me First of all, you're a dude. If it's not a chain, you don't want it It's a hep necklace his mother made. Yeah, it's a puka shell that he got on vacation in myrtle beach He still needs it back Have you ever dealt with getting shit back from an ex or is it gone forever? I feel like that's the sometimes it's like take the L There's a couple of girls that went to marist college that have pretty dope lifeguard hoodies still probably But you got to take the L on some of that shit. So it's just gone. It's a sunk cost

Well, if you don't want to talk to her again, you like you answered your own question there But but what if he wants stuff back more than he wants to doctor? Is there a conduit he can use a third party? I will this is a good business opportunity. I want to go on record and say that I agree with you take the L That stuff's gone forever. You're being a baby. You don't want your feet. You're fucking baby blanket back But in a way I can sort of understand like I don't need the blanket I don't want her to have something so sad right right and who's to say she still even has it right? That's true I'm bit like chances are she doesn't have your baby blanket chances are she's like this fucking It's like oh, she has a bunch of my trinkets

What do you fucking uh, Leonardo Caprio and inception she has my spinning top I don't know if I'm in reality or not anymore. She has some marbles some jacks a little snow globe Like a littering trinkets every time you went over You know she's Native American and you're buying land off of her every time you went over there Yeah, she's got beads. Yeah, she's got a stack of my disease ready blankets But on the plus side I do have 29,000 square miles that stretches from Louisiana to Oregon So I have that going for me. Well, here's what I say he should he does

Is um you take inventory of the stuff you have of hers and you just say hey, I have a bunch of your stuff Um, let's do a swap. Yeah, like an email or a text like we should well I don't even say like swap necessarily like if you want to be so cool about it Yeah, just like I had a bunch of your stuff. I want to give it back She's like, oh, you know what? I have a bunch of your stuff, too What about what about a third? Let's just think about a business idea right here Where it's a third party escrow service that comes and gets your stuff back It's the equivalent of sending a divorce lawyers. Yeah, self-adjust bottom blow boyfriend repo

Hey, what's up dad clad we need to pick up a wooby and some trinkets and a necklace I am to understand there's also a baby blanket on premises That reminds me this is also slightly unrelated but uh of our other remember the movie idea we had for the business What which is uh, all dogs It's it's it's a hit man for pets Like if a dad is this ingrate of a kid won't walk the dog and I'm taking care of it Uh, it's a guy that comes and kills a dog. Yeah, it makes it look like an accident, right? So that's all your dogs dead. It's called all dogs go to Kevin

Yeah, the main character's name is Kevin and that's the business that he starts You know, by the way, this makes you two sound like sociopaths Right, we had a business idea So the most obvious thing is you kill it So that is a business idea for a guy who murders pets I feel like I feel like you guys worked at college anymore for so long that all dogs go to kevin came to your mind Like we could turn this into a movie Serena Williams, uh world champion tetris player. Oh got it. Um, perfect. That's actually pretty good. Yeah, I'm sure that I'm sure that is

There's a two minute video featuring me and will hinds and george basal somewhere with that premise I'd watch anything you're her tetris coaches Not terrible serena if you're listening and I know venus is so venus just get serena in the room. We'll hold One mississippi she's fast. She'll get there. Yeah Um, I would say why does your I also really want to know why your ex girlfriend? Has your baby blanket like what situation does it occur where you even let her know you have a baby blanket? No less leave it at her house. Well, this is this is this is a her wits move I don't know if I invented it, but I but it's definitely this is legit

I think I might have mentioned on the podcast once so First time you're a girlfriend if you're trying to make her fall in love with you She gets sick You bring her over your first stuffed animal your first baby blanket your favorite t-shirt something soft that she can cuddle It's a very sweet sentimental move or you fake it. Is that what you're saying? Of course You never want to give her your real Not the real blankie You go to salvation army you get the dirtiest ugly the ugliest teddy bear you can find

I imagine you're like some Liam Neeson taken character You like pull a pelican case out from under your seat flip it open and it's like a wooby two stuffed animals You're like, all right time to go You give her something that's only been around for four years sweetheart This is uh, something that always made me feel better. Really. It says charlotte bobcats on it weren't they not even around when you're a My great uncle was a bobcat. Oh, he gave me this. All right class of 2014 though so I had a

Didn't want to tell you this I had a brother who died Will you just blow me suck my dick, please you mopey mopey bitch I'm begging you you got a hole for your dick in the blanket Third party is also reasonable like are you friends with any of her friends still? Probably not if you're casually calling her a cheating whore, right? Yeah, you're not friends with cheating whores cheating whores are for people that you've sliced out of your life Yeah, right, right like I feel like if you've gotten to the point where in her in your mind She's a cheating whore you got to take the L

Yeah, like a third party is dangerous too because then you have to ask a friend of yours to go get your baby blanket back Yes, someone else finds out that you have a baby plan. Yeah, you have to do this yourself That's a solo mission changing your name on the uh podcast. This is the best Keeping an anonymity here is the best idea possible. I already fear that we already said kinetic it We've already said too much. We added this motherfucker So either go for it if you really want it or you can't ever see it again. That's how it goes, but it's okay You could have thrown that baby blanket out when you were one. Yeah, you she did you a favor You've had it for 20 years too long and just remember the good days

Yeah, didn't you have that situation somewhat recently where somebody old had something that you wanted? Oh, I still think about that fucking shirt That's one of my favorite shirts. Yeah, I I recently did a google search for it to see if someone was selling it on ebay because I want the exact same one and No, they weren't so you you're you're basically resigned to the fact that you can't ask what yeah, it's like there's like um You don't know if there's some math version of this we're like a statute of limitations Not the like the level of embarrassment outweighs How bad I want the shirt. Yeah, the risk but just barely. Yeah I like really want the shirt

But I don't want to talk to her if you just felt a little less shame you could go for the shirt Or if you wanted the shirt a little bit more and it would like I mean this would be the first thing I'd said to this person in a very long time, which is like not like hey, how's it going? Which is it's more Hey I miss a shirt I'm not you. It's a big supposition a big assumption on your part to assume She still has that shirt. She still has the wooby, you know, she probably burned that shit in the fucking The second you called her a cheating or that's the that's the fear like you muster up all your your courage like hey

Look, I know this is crazy. I want my baby blanket back and she's like new fucking losers I threw it out I threw it out when you gave it to me and we were still together because I thought it was so lame that makes sense Will you get back together with me? Let's uh, let's stop for one quick second to thank another sponsor and then we'll come back and we'll do our last question Is that okay with you? No. All right, let's do it This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace And we're back gaber's left. He was that pissed. He was mad. That's it. That's all we have to do We'll do the ad later. So you don't even have to we don't have to pretend Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, because you know, I I'm so anti-commercial is I know exactly I've never sold out Don't look at my resume though. Don't look at my shirt. Don't look at all. Yeah, don't look at all the stupid game shows

I posted don't watch guy could Uh, how's it going with you just to take a little breather. We don't have to talk about questions all the time How are you? I'm good. I'm good. I feel like Uh, I'm I don't think people realize how I mean, I'm assuming your fans assume you guys live together To me when finding out that you guys live together was one of the more exciting things in my entire life because it It feels oddly genuine, you know, like I like I couldn't live with my writing partner Like I couldn't live with my best friends anymore. It's just like it's too weird. Take that your wife. Yeah I can live with her because I don't have to work with her also

Right, and that's a huge part and you guys work together and live together. Yeah, we like exercise together go out together I need him Right. Yeah, this relationship is gotten to like an unhealthy level, but it's still magnificent and charming. Yeah, it's a cute Yeah, right. It's it's like this is gonna be depressing someday when someone gets serious Yeah, the woman assuming you guys aren't like just keeping up some huge rock Yeah, we made a pact that we can't we can't get married to anyone else We're like we can't let anyone know that we're a couple for a number of years. That would be so nice I like sometimes I wish that were true. Yeah, if we were just gay, it would be fine

Well, do you know what though? Like why not just fucking change the game? You can always have a two-family house Me and my wife when we first got together we lived with when we first moved together We lived with a best friend just the three of us in an apartment in a two-bedroom for like, uh, four years and it was fine So I could only imagine like and then like it's you too and whoever gets a girlfriend first jake But then it's like Married whoever gets married first. I'm here And then whoever has a kid first jake But you need to find we would need to find um partners who liked us and each other and one another

Yeah, so like that like our relationship is already so rare. This is like some crazy Yeah, what are you gonna do? We need women or partners because we're still you know, we're not we're not labeling it just we're not out So we have to find writing partner duos that are both female that live together our funkelin oats. Are they single? John, you know them But I say go for it. All right But what you do need to find it or you just need two women who don't hate each other They can live in the same house, you know what you mean, right? Like they just have to really like us Right, that's how to get a compound man. Yeah two-family house because that's what I want to do

I want to live on a commune. I want to have like you have a wife I have a wife. You have a wife. Dave has a wife. Yeah, and we all fuck everyone's wives Yeah, and they'll be just kids running around and like we won't know who's this dad. They're already what's their legal age? They'll be fucking each other. Oh my god I would love if we all moved in together and we'd all start fucking each other's wives And we just all found out that our wives just keep fucking jake That would be the thing it's like your wife would be like jake's wife would be like I on it. I can't fuck gamers come on And it's like everyone jake's like we're just me and a mirror playing video games every night. Where's your wife?

She said she was going out with jake. She's just drilling everybody's thoughts You and I are just hanging out like what what you described was iceland in 1100 And then if you want to know what happens after 900 years that's go to iceland now and that's why and they have a perfect society Yeah, they have a very beautiful society. Yeah, if you like whale meat and diet cola for 49 dollars for every meal They they really figured it out. That's not fair. That's all you everything has its downs I well meet and diet cola, but you get to fuck your cousins. Yeah, you get to fuck your clones You don't have to fuck anyone under 511 or with dark features the equivalent of masturbation fucking over there That's how self-sacrificing it is

Um, so we oh, yeah, we should all live together. Sorry. I totally interrupted that train of thought We're all gonna live together soon. Right. Can I suggest your cabin here? That sounds nice. This is this is perfect for I'd love to fuck your wives in here. I'm not joking that idea appeals to me Like that'd be really fun live with some friends for like a temporary thing, but I could never sell my wife on that Even without eliminate the group sex part of it the swinging she just wouldn't be in she's like no We're in our 30s. We'd say we have a fucking apartment. They just live with the two of us. Oh, yeah But what about like fun silliness for a year? She's like no The thing is I can't imagine

I could imagine loving like This idea and pitching my wife and being like, okay, so I want to live with like My friend dave and my brother and they and they like and then all their kids like that's all your friends Yeah, and this is one of my friends. I'm like, she's kind of annoying That is 100% what would happen. She's like, well, what about my friend? Uh, you know, you're like, ah, no, no, no, no I hate her boyfriend. They're cool to hang out with once or twice, but you're really not gonna live with them That's exactly how that would be my list. Yeah, this would be all my closest friends and their girl I'm like just be friends with all their girlfriends

The most like have you ever liked a wife or a girlfriend's Friends boyfriend a lot like gotten along well or they're it's also removed. You don't like them anymore Yeah, no, it's like You kind of like have to fake it for a while But then every once in a while there comes a dude and then you're like, oh, all right I actually like this guy and then they break up and you're like, oh, shit. Can I still hang out with that? Right that actually happened. I have a friend this guy, johnny who lives in brooklyn who is uh, Tiffany's made of honors boyfriend for a long time, but now they broke up and this dude is like super cool

I probably shouldn't even say But he's like really cool and I want to chill with him and I'm like if you're ever in california attacks me You know, I feel so uncomfortable, but I really like him. Yeah As a matter of fact, I have a really like quick funny story about that in high school I was dating this girl all her friends suck. I mean no in college. Sorry went back to her high school party Like you do over summers in college like oh go to your hometown for a weekend and she had a high school party and all of her friends sucked all the girls kind of were annoying and All her friends were sort of dirtbags and they hated me because she was like the hot girl in her high school

And then like this big obnoxious dude Is now dating her and they all wanted to fuck her and then I come back dating her And all of her friends suck and I'm like I gotta meet all her their stupid boyfriends One dude was kind of cool and I was like, I like this guy So I kind of stuck with him and then later on at the party some dude comes up to me He's bigger than me. He's holding a bottle in his hand. What and he's like What's up? What's your problem? I'm like, I don't have a problem Like what the fuck are you doing here? I'm like, oh my girlfriend brought me and I'm trying to not use names by accident

My girlfriend brought me here. You know, I'm dating her and like yeah, yeah, I know but I don't want you here I was like, oh, well, okay. I can go but you're being an asshole He's like I'm being an asshole and then I look and the dude who I I met that day who I thought was kind of cool Is standing behind that guy and he looks at me and goes Like I got you like he he was like a fight break like he was literally like The dude who I met for three hours and I thought was kind of cool was like, I'll fight with you Yeah, and I was like with a bottle. Yeah, and then in hindsight, I was like that dude is the That is the ultimate version of like meeting your girlfriend's shitty friends shitty boyfriend

And he ends up being kind of cool. This dude was ready to fist fight guys He went to high school with on my behalf. That's amazing. So what did I've happened? Like every situation I've ever been in like that I fucking squashed it down by making them laugh or whatever And then I told I told my girlfriend the time I was like, let's get the fuck out of here And then I was like Never visited her again. I was like fuck this and that was like enough to almost want to break up with her Not because of that current fight situation But when someone when someone who who is cool and all their friends suck, you're like, that's enough

I'm out of here. Like this is just a bad time. You have to spend time with them or this is also a reflection on you That's true. You are as good as the company that you keep right Yeah, and also like if like a girl you date has no friends. That's terrifying. Oh, yeah Actually, are you saying I but I hate her now. You're like, oh god get out of here Why does everyone why do you hate them all? If you hate too many people like oh, I hate him. I hate him like you date somebody who's like, oh, my mom's such a bitch Oh, no You are that everything you say about somebody else is what you are right. It's very true

Oh, that guy's so fucking petty. Nope. You are your petty By calling someone else petty that is the like, you know, that's a snake eating its own tail. That is petty That guy's so petty and small and annoying and it's stupid uncomfortable, right? You're currently being small petty annoying Oh, shit, but I'm cool. Yeah, but not me But I'm not an asshole about it. Yeah, I had that I was saying to someone today someone who says I say it like it is is someone who never does Say it like it is. I hate drama. Yeah. Yeah those. Oh, I hate drama is a good one I'm sarcastic those people don't get sarcasm

I'm a free spirit or usually the most uptight If you read someone's twitter profile and it has any of those words in it. You could just know full well Or tinder even yeah tinder. I don't know how much right right deep thinker. No later I'm a deep thinker says the guy Like I don't think like a fucking like, uh, you know guru of buddhism would consider themselves a deep thinker I should write I should type here with my little finger that I'm a deep thinker In my chinder bio space. Oh thi. Oh, and there we go finishes the sentence for me space space period deep thinker I did it. I am that now. It's so easy to type. I must be that

Uh, that that was fun, but it took us till past when we have to go Okay, yeah, we just had a fun time. We only answered three questions, but they were we we delved deep and we we laughed a lot So I'll I'll call that a w. We had to talk about taking an L. We got a w We took it down. We went for the L. We got the double. I might even release this episode. I swear to god It's that I'm just here to see what I wanted to see what the fuck your guys life was like I wanted to catch you guys fucking I like I said like I told you I was gonna I was running late and then still made it on time Just to see if I could catch you guys kissing or something. It came close to us fucking Amir. We are in my cabin

Amir is in my bed I am shirtless. There's less recording equipment than normal for jake Nothing is plugged in jake's microphone is a carrot mine's a dildo Mine's gone But I did set up a camera on a tripod in the corner facing the bed So I don't know. Let's uh, let's have sex at the end of the day Uh, do you have anything you want to promote plug or talk about does this come out? Let's say monday october

27th Oh, you know what? It might be monday november 2nd. Okay. Well if it's monday tune in to true tv tonight To watch episodes three and four of hair jacked. Whoa. Is this all real? This is real. Hey, so this is monday november 3rd Yeah on monday night starting october 27th. So if this is november 3rd you're in week two It could be canceled by now to be honest It's a show called hair jack. It's a game show called hair jacked on true tv It's pretty much they probably don't want me pitching it like this But it's pretty much cash cab in a hair salon like it's an ambush game show where they don't know they're on a game show

And you're the host i'm the host i pop out and reveal myself. Where is that? Where do you shoot that? I shot that in burbank in uh, all the work i do in new york. I finally got a job in california Yeah, it was great. So there you you pop up while people are getting haircuts and you ask them questions while they're getting their haircuts yeah, and then like uh You can win up to five thousand dollars and then go to the bonus round and if you fail in the bonus round you get Hair jacks the titular name of you know, will they shave your head? Or they fuck it up in some capacity and they gave some like really insane haircuts. That's comically over the top Yeah, yeah, who came up with that idea? It's so silly. I know it is so sorry. It's an elite team of 50 year olds

Who literally came up with 900 title verse. Yeah, like truth or hair I think was like the original name of it. That's even better Yeah, um, and it's it's kind of fun. I mean if you're into get I don't want to push it It's not but if you're into game shows you might like this or if you're into gay bruce Yeah, oh, yeah, or if you're I guess if it's on monday nights if you don't watch monday night football or big bang theory Leaving about 500 people in america if you don't watch either of those things tune in the hair jacks on true tv channel 2050 or that's the one part of back to the future two that came true where there is like tv put it on channel 926 and everyone's like what yeah, right, but now it's indeed there are a thousand

Yeah, I haven't had a show on a channel below a thousand That's my new goal sub thousand a triple digit game show Uh, well, thanks for coming on great times awesome. Uh, the opening theme song was written by I already forgot Oh dan w and maria w brothers or sisters brother and sister or a couple. Yeah, they're all good And then williams and wilson. They're not even related. We have a uh closing theme song Which was written by rachel bender rachel bender If you have your own theme song or your own questions that you want us to answer It's if I were you show at gmail.com. We're also still accepting thumbnail submissions for when we post the videos to face facebook

Thanks again for listening guys. Thanks gamers for coming on the show We should have you back now that you know where we live and you're good at it Yeah, we'll see if you guys have me back. I'll be I'll be back before episode 226 Nice math. I love that. You are coming back. All right later guys It seems i'm in a difficult place I just want to save my pride Should I hook up with this dying piece? Is there more advice please then I start with suicide

And if I live in town for school I know what the prince will say You shouldn't be with her just on the timber because matches equals matches Oh mom stop put down the dish and turn it down Jake is std free, but he gets around I dropped out of low debit card and need to smoke a cigarette with the Annalise Lee Ben Schroedts will have more the advice part sarah schneider will speak with a pure heart You can't complete your look with a mono brow and more than anything I have to bounce now

Maybe your parts, you know that I trust you. That's why I listen to if I were you If I were you Here's what they do Here's what they do You Hey, this is greg fit Simmons host of fits dog radio right here on podcast one join me Track my rage against middle age The exploration of what's behind the scenes in hollywood with guests like john ham

Zach alafanakis jimmy kimmel Corolla hardwick rogue and sarah silverman all the big guns We talk personally in a funny way. Come check it out fits dog radio on podcast one