If I Were You - 114: Hickey (with Streeter Seidell!)

Episode Date: November 10, 2014

Comedian/friend Streeter Seidell joins us to discuss laundry, car accidents and the Beastie Boys.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and DraftKings.com.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Hey, real quick, just wanted to mention that we have a live podcast at the Hollywood Improv this Thursday, November 13th, 2014. So if you're listening and you live near Los Angeles, you can go to IfIReviewShow.com for more information. There are tickets still available, so come and have fun with us. Alright, let's get started. Streeter's back. Back again. Streeter's back. Tell a friend.

Friend. Things got real. Things got real. Things got real. Definitely. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Let's start. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Listen to him, cuz he slams that mercy Amir's Uncle Jesse always saying, oh mercy, in the town, mama, talk about my penis, don't listen in if you love Jesus, if you are them, this is the thesis, Jake and Amir, let's seize on Jesus! Another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension into them now. Yeah, I think I like was I was too young I started liking them during their comeback like intergalactic was the first yeah hello nasty I heard yeah I heard like after that I heard all the classic ones white guys in my high school aka everybody love the Beastie Boys and I also love the Beastie Boys it's funny because they probably like grew up listening to like hardcore hip hop and then they did hip hop themselves and then all their fans were just white Jewish kids I mean there wasn't even hardcore hip hop when they were growing up they have such a weird story I thought they like they started out as a total joke they like were in a different kind of band yeah I think you're right I think they were like it was like a joke yeah they were like a punk band or something and then they were like oh really I think it was a joke I think either that or that's I really don't want to like give the story either that or you're just insulting them yeah I think they're a joke

one of your phones is not on airplane mode and it's it's clicking it's picking up I know it's probably mine yeah it's probably me is that a six? yeah damn dude that the signal is so strong how'd you get it I'm hearing it what was your deal what do you mean how did you know oh yeah it's picking up get that away it's bad it's bad it's really bad no I didn't wait pre-ordered online and then it just was there the next day I just went to the Apple store picked it up how long do you have to wait for them to pick it up one day and you can just walk right in you have to wait in the line this is something I just read not on the podcast I just want to go I don't remember how I got my phone I can tell you there's a website that I've been tracking it has the stock of every single Apple store in any kind of make model color and phone carrier can we check the one in New Haven? not right now because we're recording a podcast

and you can't use the ending? one no I couldn't it would stop the recording in two okay don't ask me to do that shit as long as I know it would stop the recording and you wouldn't need the e-bag so how many times have you been on the show now? this might be five or six it should have been more but then I didn't go to London oh yeah yeah I was going to be on two more and then I really would have cemented my leave which is the whole point of that trip I totally forgot you didn't come to London

how was it? did you have fun? yeah it was good I really wanted to go I thought you had a job writing for Saturday Night Live which I guess is good too right? yeah that was a good reason to have to go that was a good step so you know how it works we get emails from people who are asking us for advice and you know this is where we offer it are you talking to me?

yeah I'm talking to the collective we us in general it's like we're preparing for an audience it's like three of us in a room the email address is ifiriushowatgmail.com if you have your own questions let's give these real emails from real people fake names to preserve their anonymity should we go Beastie Boys? let's say

there's are there enough VCs? well there's three but then they're at that guy the DJ that kept on the MC oh what's his name? Rick Rubin? no I already forget they had a guy Mixmaster Mike

he was like their DJ let's say this first one is from Mixmaster Mike Mixmaster Mike writes ok so my name is Mixmaster Mike and I'm in Colorado I'm in the middle of something with my girlfriend she recently moved in with me does she have to do my laundry and clean our room and such? or is that machismo?

she says that I should do hers and she should and she says that I should do hers and she will do mine in parentheses laundry so is it machismo? what is machismo? it's like you know being a macho macho man he wants to be a macho man exactly

I want to be a sexist man sexist sexist man her proposal is straight up dumb it's like you're not getting anything by just doing each other's laundry well here's why it's dumb or it's good for her she'll just do a bad job with her laundry I've lived with a lady and to do their laundry it's hard

my clothes are all t-shirts and pants I know how to fold that I once fold a girl's clothes I'm like what is this garment? nothing is the same exactly they're like a really thin sheet is this a pants or a scarf?

my sister has a scarf that I don't know what it wraps in some way and I tried to just fold it and it wouldn't change it's a more borscht of a scarf it's a black hole every single thing is trying to fold the fitted sheet of a mattress which I taught myself how to do

yeah YouTube video I was not eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or some weird shit like that I had thought of one yesterday that I hadn't done I was like oh that's a good one I've never oh this is gonna bother me

have you ever thrown up? yeah yeah yeah you're thinking of Ricky who hasn't vomited in like 15 years what was the thing that I I was like oh I've never done that god damn it what adventures we had

let us go then you and I to the trampoline to the trampatorium to bounce university bounce castle where the disclaimers are 48 pages long because someone is going to break their arm everyone shall bite their tongue off

just the dip so what is this guy expecting too much when you live with a girl I remember this phase of moving in with a girl where it's like it's rule time and so you start like laying out

all these like dumb rules and like complicated plans for who's gonna do what and everyone's like real concerned about it being fair that's a big thing with Vanessa and I for a while was like well if I did the dishes

so then you have to do the law and eventually it's just like it's just like whoever has time so that's a mature way to do it it's like if you're around you do it there's not like a rule like I wouldn't ever be like

I didn't have time so you have to do our laundry like well no they're my clothes and my pants so I make time to wash them unless you have like a shore list where it's like

oh I rake and do the snow or whatever and you do the laundry you guys have like this shared space you have like dogs that you bought together so who feeds the dogs

who walks the dogs I feed the dogs we're letting the dogs out but like who does let the dogs out who who what was that

party was jumping it's funny that you know the verses but you thought it was who let the dogs out woof woof woof I thought it was actually who

who who I thought it was like sort of a plan like who who who who

who who who who who who who who

who are all loose and then there woofing now like that the dogs are loose who did it who did it who did it its the central question

yea I think that it it but I think they like that those dogs are out ya Who oooooほほほ who you know those Baha Item

the Gentleman from Baha the Baha Faith gentleman this I think this guy and his lady need to

stop making plans and learn how to be a teen Stop making plans. Start being a man's. Yeah, thanks for making that rhyme, even though it's not really what I said. At least it rhymes. We just get to a rhyme whether it's true or not. So what's your suggestion here? I would say don't worry about who does what. You definitely don't go in hot and say you do the laundry now. I feel like that's not a good thing to say to a woman like that. That's like the one thing that you don't combine with the person, or do you?

There are things Vanessa will tell me not to wash, because she has a way that they're supposed to get washed, and I'm too dumb to learn it. She also says I do the laundry wrong. Which is hard, because all you do is put it in. I put it in the water hole, and then I pour in the dew, and I come back, and I move it to the hot tosser. And I think that's the way it goes, and then I take the lid out. Yeah, the hot tosser. I forgot about the hot tosser. When you fold it all out, you just wrap it up in your arms and stuff it into a single drawer. Put it in a duffel bag and dump it out on the floor. It's hard.

Laundry and some stuff is very personal. I like doing laundry in a certain way, and somebody else might like to do it in a different way. I feel bad if I was living with someone and they did my laundry wrong, because you can't really complain about that. You got them tiger striped underwear. You got them skid marks. Yeah, I got to look after my own. You got to hide the skid marks. Is it crazy to do, if you lived with a girl, would you keep the laundry separate? I think why? Because you're already living with each other. You're going to see each other at your worst. Yeah, I'm not worried about it. I'm just worried about...

Is that actually worried about her seeing this shit? Yeah, I'm just worried about, like, don't do... I'll do my laundry when I want to do the laundry. Because then it's like, oh, I'm waiting for you to do your laundry. It seems like it's better to keep it separate. It's like, I don't want to take a shit when you have to go to the bathroom. Separate but equal, right? That's what you're saying? Not even equal. I want her to do hers worse. We disagree then. I say just, like, learn how to live together. And living together means, like, you just do it when... You do the chores when someone has time, you know?

Right, but like, what about... When I was living with a lady, it sort of just fell into certain ways. Like, she would do the cooking and I would clean the dishes. So like, it's 50-50. You got to find a rhythm, right? But laundry, I can't quite remember. I think it was separate. Didn't you send it out? Oh no, your dog's eating a water bottle. That's okay.

She's turning blood, blood red. That's one of the main things she eats, that and her own shit. Those are her two favorite foods. No, we would do it at home. But I'm just saying, my suggestion is to do your own laundry. Because it's very preferential. She'll do it the way she likes to do it. You don't want to mess it up, just like you said, like, oh, I accidentally washed this. I accidentally dried this. I didn't hang dry this. I didn't fold this. I don't even know what the hell this shawl thing is.

How about this then for a compromise? You let her set the pace, because it sounds like she... I mean, in my experience, the women in my life had had way more preference when it comes to laundry than I have. This is how you wash it. This is how you do it. If I'm like, as I said, throw it in the water hole. The hot toss. And then the hot toss, and I'm done. So maybe he should just start out doing it, let her be like, you're doing it wrong. You know what? I'm just going to do it.

But it's so hard to say you're doing a favor for me wrong, even though you should. And you have to do that. Leave it to a woman. This is what I get. But it's annoying because if you do my laundry wrong, I do have to... I would not get good about somebody doing me that favor. Laundry is just my shit. Oh my God, it's the best.

There's nothing I love more than some doing my laundry. It's fantastic. So if you lived with a girl, you would keep it separate as well? I probably wouldn't be like, here, give me your laundry. And I also wouldn't be like, will you take my laundry? But would you have one hamper or two different hamper? I would have... How many hamper? Sir, objection. Will you have two hampers or one?

I think I would have a hamper and she would have a hamper. If I moved in with a girl, there would be two closets. I would keep my hamper in the closet like I do now. And I bet she would just do whatever the fuck she wanted with her laundry. Coward. I wouldn't be like, I would hide my hamper from her. You're a coward and a racist. Coward.

Yeah. And then it has nothing to do with the laundry. It's about the way you react when dogs jump on your leg. You got your scaredy cat. You have to stop eating the rice cakes. This is crazy. Why do you want rice cakes? They're not... It's all I have.

It's eating foam. Why are you eating foam right now? Are you hungry? This is all... I've gone to the point of fatness where Vanessa won't even bring home food anymore. Right, I noticed the fridge is very empty. The only thing that you could possibly eat here have no calories. They're like, we have...

I'm giving you foam discs to discourage you from eating. They will fill your stomach up with zero. It doesn't work. I'll find a way. The idea is that it's so inedible that you will have a disdain for food. It's rewiring your brain to think that all food is a... She didn't actually just replace this sleeve with cardboard. You're eating the sleeve.

I am. Solving cardboard is very good. I remember the thing I hadn't eaten until recently. I just had lox for the first time. Really? A Jew. A Jewish man. It's because I never really ate fish growing up and then I just started eating sushi. I was like, oh, is lox like sashimi salmon?

Even better. Because it's saltier. Yeah, it's smoky and salty. It's delicious. Yeah, but I don't like cream cheese either. Do you do nova? Do you do electric? I know. It was like part of a catering thing. So I just tried lox. Not terrible, but I don't like cheese.

So what am I supposed to eat? There's like lox on a bagel. You're still eating this. You don't like cream cheese? No, I don't like cream cheese. You got to get a little smear. Let me do it up for you, man. Here's what we're going to do.

We're going to do a bagel. We're going to do a cream cheese. We're going to do some capers. And you're going to love it. See, this is all Jewish food. I should be the one teaching you how to eat this. But I'm teaching you. Yes.

That's a wise Christian should be. Show me the way. For it is my duty as a Christian soldier. For he has done his job. I really did eat that just so it would be gone. And I wouldn't keep on thinking about it. And if there was one. You've done me a favor by taking away my food.

No, there's still some more over there. Actually, I could just go for another one. The entire time I was eating that I was like, my mouth was so full that I couldn't speak. I was hoping either of you would ask me to say anything. I might eat this little baby pumpkin. If I get hungry enough. And like a little decorative pumpkin I might just take away.

Just how? How could you eat that? As if it's a splash. It's ceramic. I've done just that. I do see you took a bite out of a book over there. Yeah. Stewards literally took a bite out of crime earlier.

It was crazy. So, okay, real last minute. What's your advice on this guy? Do your own luck. No. Just suck it up and do each other's laundry. I would say don't make a rule. Just do it when it needs to get done and let it sort itself out.

Right. I'm with that. Like never say always. I'll do this and you do that. Never say always is very deep. Thank you. Yeah. Never say.

So always say never. No, no. You always say sometimes or always say case by case. All right. Well, it's not going to be as poetic, but you always say it's a case by case basis. I will never say always. I say keep it separate.

Laundry is a little too. It's personal. I'll do my laundry. You do yours and don't make me do yours because I don't know. I do my laundry. You do yours because I don't know how to do females laundry. Yeah. And machismo is a two kind of a term for somebody who makes their

girlfriend do their laundry. All right. Cool. Ready? Question number two. What is the MCA? MCA. Hey, Jake.

I'm a university student and the other day I hit the back of a lady's car while on my way to a gas station. It was a light tap after she and afterwards she just kept driving relieved. Assuming that I just slammed the brakes really hard. I continued to the gas station, but she ended up going to the same gas station after pulling up beside me on the pump. I looked over and she was looking right at me.

So my inner good guy came out and I went over to her and asked if I had hit her and she said yes, just to shorten the rest. She turned out to own a music school and she's never been in a car accident driving for over 20 years. So she didn't know what to do and only took down my name and phone number. I'm kind of broke being a student and all and I really don't want to pay her.

She texted me and told me to pick up the appraisal from her on Saturday from the same gas station. Should I just ignore her and not pay? Or should I continue to do the right thing? Todah. Wow. MCA. Oh, that's a real conundrum.

What? Is it? Cool. Isn't it too late? Yeah. She has your name and your number. You can't disappear on her. Sure.

You can say that it was her fault though. It just sounds like maybe it was. If you re-rent somebody, it's always your fault no matter what. Oh yeah, that's right. Is that true? Right. Wait, if you re-rent someone, it's always your fault. Yeah.

So you can slam on the brakes. You're never supposed to be following it so close. You're supposed to be alert. You're supposed to be able to stop. If somebody slams on their brakes and you slam on yours and you hit them, then that just means you were following them too close so that you were going too fast. Wow. You're never supposed to be able to not hit someone who stopped in front of you.

Yeah. I'm afraid he's already... The real decision was should he have told her before at first at the gas station? Because he was about to get away with it. Yeah, he should have just gotten away with it. Yeah. He's not too bad. He's inter-quote good guy, which is, I guess, his parents succeeding in life.

Right. Who isn't that good? If you had to wrestle that hard, your inter-good guy is so small. My demons, oh, I finally decided. You know what? I will ask her if I hit her car even though I did. That's so bad. I know that I did.

I will... Let me at least broach it. Yeah. See if she doesn't make me pay for it. Is that something like you call... Like, I don't really know how it works. Do you call insurance in that situation? Is that what insurance is for?

I think it's different state by state, but I believe in, like, California. Like, insurance pays for everything. Like, whether your insurance is just going to go up since you've gotten into an accident. Right, right, right. So his insurance should pay for it if they win. Oh, maybe what he can do to get out of it is say, alright, let's take it to the police. Oh, and then she'll be like, oh... And then they'll be like, oh, it's going to be a whole thing, never mind.

But if she didn't do anything wrong, she would just be like, sure, yeah, we can take it. Yeah, but she doesn't want to go through the bureaucratic red tape. We hit a cab, or excuse me, a cab hit us. Legally. And the guy tried to, you know, he was like, can I just give you my list of some settlement? And we're like, no, we're going to, because, you know, we'll go through the whole thing. And he really did not want that. It was like a real hassle.

And now, like, looking back on it, we should have just taken the money. Right. But maybe if he says, like, okay, cool, if you think it's a big enough thing that I need to give you money for, then let's do this the right way. We'll call the police. We'll report it. You'll say what you think happened. No, that was only bad for him.

Because I think this is why the reason people do that is because they don't want their insurance to go up. They don't want to, like... Yeah, because I'll pay it off. So, like, I'll just give you $300 to fix your car and, like, nothing bad happens. And this is, like, a one-time fee. Or she's like, I mean, the worst-case scenario is like, oh, no, let's get my insurance involved. And she'll be like, okay, yeah, I've never been in an accident. If you think that's what's best.

She doesn't have to pay. The insurance doesn't go up. This is his last chance to get out of it completely. He's not going to pay. Like, he's either going to have to give her money, which he specifically said he does not have. Right? He said I don't have money. Well, then the insurance will have to pay for it.

I mean, it depends what his deductible is, of course. We'll have to look that up. The deductible's $15,000. Yeah, where are you? Progressive, I'll stay. I'll stay. Just to switch things up, just to make things even more complicated, this is from Canada. Wow.

So I don't know what the fuck's going on. The insurance is free there. Is it the same as healthcare? Everything is free in Canada. Nothing goes money in Canada. I'm just trying to say like, yeah, probably the smart thing is just settle up. But if he really wants to take a swing and maybe get out of it completely, make it look like you're going to make a huge deal out of it.

What happens if she's like, okay, it's $1,100 and he's like, I don't have that? Well, you could always say like, do you mind if I get a second appraisal? Because she might have just taken it to some, any random mechanic. Somebody hit me, like, oh, this is the price. It's like, but this guy, if he has a mechanic that he should trust, that he trusts, that he knows, or a friend that like knows about cars. Yeah, because her incentive is to just get it over with. She doesn't care what the price is.

She's maybe not necessarily shopping around at all. But he's like, can I, I think I could find you a better deal. And maybe you could at least pay the smallest amount of money that way. I think that's the cheapest thing you can do rather than going through your insurance. None of the cheapest thing you can do is ignore her phone calls, her texts. Right. She just like, looks up, reverse, looks up your phone number, finds out who you are. Is she really going to do that?

She might. Is she really going to do that? Just look up a, can you even do that? What if you Google search a phone number and if it doesn't come up with that, I think it actually will. Wait, here's the deal. But she could also just give it to the police. Like, this guy hit me, he gave me his name and his number and now he's not answering

this phone. But do you really think the police are going to look into that? They'll be like, okay, thanks man, we'll just file that away. No, this is Canada. This is like the biggest crime that they're dealing with. He's just going to take it down by 10 now. This is in New York City. This is like some small town in Canada where you ran into a lady who owns a music school.

I didn't even know you could do that. Yeah, you can own a school in Canada, which is kind of cool. I'm just trying to help this dude not pay money. I thought that was the objective here. No, the objective is to, what would you do in this situation? Oh, I just pay the money. I just give her the money. Of course.

I mean, I'm rich, so I can do it. Honestly, not a problem. Should we just pay this guy out? If it's less than 5 million bucks, maybe we should just give it to him. Is that nuts? It's on Squarespace though. How many texts do you sell, Jake? Maybe that maybe you...

That's actually a good intro. Textjake.com is still up and running. If you guys are interested in Jake's personalized texting advice, he will give his suggestions within 24 hours, guaranteed that you are all again, it's Textjake.com. How's Textjake going for you? I actually really like it. Yeah.

It's a lot of fun. How's volume? I mean, I know you don't want to discuss specifics, but the first day was a little overwhelming. I haven't missed anybody yet. Yeah. You've probably answered close to 200 texts in the first week, right? I think like 175.

Wow. Wow. This is like your own personalized Dear Abbey column, like the old advice. The interesting thing that I'm finding is that a lot of people don't necessarily need like this one golden text. Yeah. A lot of it is like I can read their whole entire text

and like give them direction and be like, so some guys are just like, yeah, like I think it's going good. I don't know if I should ask Graut and I read the conversation and it's like so clearly going amazing. And I'm like, what the, you could say anything you want. And then sometimes people are like, oh man, I had like, I want to just ask this girl out.

I'm reading the text and the girls like borderline going to press charges on them. Like don't text this girl anymore. Yeah. When we built it or when Garrett, I should say built it or when we had in mind to be built, we thought it would be like more mostly just say this and then you're going to get a response and then you say this,

like you're actually texting for people, but it's usually just like a one and done thing where you're like, don't worry, this is going great. I would say this. And if it goes here, then you can do this. It's not just like one text and then you're waiting to hear the response. And originally we thought that might be a business plan. I know.

It's a lot more time consuming. We thought that it was just going to be. Askjake.com. Askjake.com. Askjakes. We thought it was just going to be like, I could respond from my phone, but I'm like writing like 300 word emails back to these people.

My God, you have to stop caring so much. I really want them to fuck. I really want them to fuck. We want everyone to fuck. That's what's nice about it. That's your goal. That's it. Including this kid who re-arriended that man.

He wants everyone to teach him. You say, if that re-arriending was good, how would you like this type of re-arriending? You owe me money. He's like, God, do you charge 300 bucks? So shop around if you want to find the best offer or if you don't want to pay anything at all, simply ignore her forever.

But know that they're the risk to that is jail time. Wait, can I just say, can I just throw in one thing? Yeah. I would say he should just be honest with the lady and say, I don't have a lot of money. I can help you out up to this amount. Yeah.

Like all I have is this dollar, or you know, like if it's not a huge deal, can you just let it slide because it wasn't a big accident. It was an honest mistake. I came up to you and I approached you. I came up to you just to make sure you were okay. Did I hit you or was that, did you stop?

Did you hear? Do you feel that earthquake? That's like a little nudge. I like stopped and then some of you ran between our car with a crowbar and you went boop. And then I was like, I tried to chase him and I- What was that?

You owe me, actually. What was that? Maybe say if you don't let me off the hook and I'm not saying I'm going to do this, but at some point in your life, maybe many years from now, when you've long forgotten about this incident, this whole conversation, this series of events,

you'll lose someone or something. And in the back of your head, you'll always wonder, was that him who did this for me, who took this thing I loved? Was it that kid in all those years ago? And you just leave her with that. Oh. And maybe that'll freak her out enough

that she just lets it go. You wanted to say that to her. Yeah, that's what you should say to her. Many years from now. Long past. Well, you guys titled this movie. That's the first 10 pages of this accident. And then the rest of the movie plays out

and he works at her school to pay it off. But he looks different. Right, he looks different. He's from the wrong side of the tracks. And then he's like, you know, Miss Blank, I keep seeing you teaching these kids, maybe you can teach me violin. And then he starts to be like,

what is it called? When you're a phenom. Like a prodigy. Yeah, prodigy. And he goes on to be like a world famous musician. And at the end, he makes a lot of money and then he gives her that check. He's like, by the way,

I don't think I ever paid you back for this. That's $300. That's $300. So what's the name of that movie? Ooh. Fender Bender. But here's the deal. He's a guitar player.

He's like, he's a guitar. And his whole thing is that like, he has like the bending of the string. Oh yeah, he bends it. Okay. Like Beckham. We'll call him Fender Bender like Beckham. Fender Bender like Beckham.

That's good. That's a free movie idea for you guys. So you're welcome Hollywood. Let's take a little break. Let's take a chill out half an hour in the back stretch. You work at SNL. Do you like it?

I love it. How many weeks have you worked there? Six, seven. Wow. This season. Do you ever think about us? I think about you guys all the time. Yeah.

I have pictures of you. They're everywhere. I was noticing as I was walking around this apartment that there wasn't any pictures of me or a mirror. Is that true? Why would there be? Do you have a picture of street in your house? You know what?

I have a picture of Jeff Rubin on my desk that Vanessa's covered with a piece of paper. Yeah. The piece of paper says Jew. She said I couldn't stand to look at that hideous vile Jew monster anymore and covered it up. It was so weird. Yeah.

She put a rice cake over it. Speaking of, can I finish that egg roll? What? You didn't finish it? No. I only took one bite. Yeah. Go get it, man.

There's also a carton of brown rice in there. Really? Yeah. A little tiny bit. Do you have any sriracha? I might. I want to check the door. Don't tell me to check the door.

I will check the door. I'll obviously check the door. I don't know if I have sriracha. We have hot sauce. That's good. We were kind of really pissed when you got the job because that meant you one couldn't go to London and two couldn't move to Los Angeles.

So like instead of feeling good. I thought you said you were happy. Right. You said congratulations. Of course. What am I supposed to say? Like, oh, that pisses me off because it negatively affects me personally.

Yeah. Like that it pisses you off. Yeah. It makes me angry and upset. Like you heard and were like, God damn it. What an ass. It's like, yeah, it was a positive for you and a negative for us.

Right. So overall for us, it was a negative. Yeah. Because the positive for you doesn't register on our radar. You didn't bounce. Like Streeter was happy. His wife was happy. His friends and family on the East Coast were happy.

That's right. I mean, all of my wife and my family were happy. I was mad. I was like, I stood. And you knew, you knew that his parents were like, oh, this is such a great opportunity for you. The other thing is, I knew that it was only going to be, and that it was the day before we went to London.

Yeah. And I knew it would only be like four days. But I knew it was only, I knew I was like, I'm going to rest that day. Yeah. And then the two shows in London would be like, sad and hard without Streeter. Of course.

But after that, it'd be fine. But like, I wanted him to come to Berlin. Yeah. Basically, I was like, this is one week of inconvenience and then a lifetime of happiness for Streeter and his friends and family. And yet still. And I was like, I want to be happy.

It burned you. It's what I wanted. It's what we wanted. I couldn't even smile about it. Yeah. It's stung your heart and I'm sorry about that. The congratulations text that I sent, he was like, it was sent through clenched teeth

and I was like hitting the phone so hard and I was cracked. He was so mad. He had to go through somebody else that he texted congratulations to and just copy and paste it. I couldn't even type out the words. I did a Google search for salutations

until like a synonym came up and then I copied and pasted that. Wait, who did the London show instead of me? That's a good question. Two local comedians. How were they? They were pretty funny. One guy was a Canadian actually

and one guy was a local from Manchester. But it was cool to have like, like we were talking about it and now we prefer it that way to have like a local comic. Oh, instead of me? Yeah. Right.

So it would be like a no streeter themed show. So it's just like whoever isn't me. Yeah. So it could also be people from LA or New York. Actually, yeah. I don't mind if somebody travels with us as long as it's not me. That'd be nice to have a friend.

Yeah. I feel like you guys are being, you know, I felt like I was pretty cool when you just sort of announced that you were moving to LA and I knew I wasn't going to go with you and I felt like I was pretty. We thought you were. I said, yeah.

That's great. We thought you'd follow suit. We thought, yeah, we thought you were going to come. That's why we did it. Well, that's why we hosted you out in LA so often. Oh, never been out of me. I've been staying with you guys for a long time. It was so nice when you did.

I loved when you stayed with us. I had my whole routine. I would drink all your agave syrup. Yeah. We had iced coffees in the afternoon. What a lovely time we had. I think we left a box of baseball cards in the house. Oh, I have so many baseball cards.

They all turned to mush. Nobody wants them. If anyone listening wants a baseball card, just email me. Your cousin didn't want them? That's who you brought them back for. Yeah, yeah. No one wants them.

I guess you shouldn't have bought 16 cartons of them. I was mad with power. They were so cheap. All right. Oh, wait. We have to take a small little break and thank one more sponsors, but we'll be right back with more straighter after these.

And we're back. I love the ads so much. What did you want to say real quick before we move on? Yeah, of course. I wanted to offer our condolences to the guy from carton. The one that both of them fucked me. I suck. But we started this podcast loosely based on their podcast.

Right. That was our inspiration. Well, your inspiration. I had never listened to the show. Right. And I think I showed you an episode that you won't know. Yeah, I refuse to. Well, now there's, yeah, you won't do it.

So what was his name? Ray Magliozzi. Oh, he's a good man. 20 men. Did they know how he died? Um, Alzheimer's. Really? Yeah.

That is sad. That sucks. That was the first time we talked about a real death on the show. Things actually got real. For real. It happened. Was that the first time you talked about a real death?

Yeah, probably. I don't know. All right, Pete. I know I don't. If you die, would you want me to give like a funny eulogy or like a touching one? I assume it's me, right? It's me.

Sure. I think it would be, it would have to be funny and then like a little sad poignant at the end. Kind of like a real. It's so hard to make it sad. Oh, that would be. Everyone's having such a good time. You don't want to kill the room, you know?

Yeah. It would be pretty cool if it was just biting and then like everyone would come up to you and be like, what was that? And then like the people that really knew me like, no, no, no, if you knew him years, you wouldn't want it to be touching. Like that. Yeah. Like that's what he like.

It's so just sarcastic the whole time. Yeah. It was like when one of the Monty Python people died, like one of the eulogies is just like really mad and everyone's like, that was actually the sweetest thing he can do because that's what he would have appreciated the most. Should we get to one or maybe two more questions? Yeah.

I mean, I'd prefer one. Yeah. I know. You got to go. Where do you have to go? Probably back to fucking work or something. Prioritizing shit over us. I have the week off right now.

I assure you I do. I don't want any more of this nonsense about you being mad at me. It's just a funny way to say. Nothing you actually have to apologize about. It's like, if someone's mad at you, it's like, I don't want this nonsense about you being mad at me. This is nonsense that you're mad at me. I don't want to deal with it.

That's how British people get mad at each other. You being mad at me is a bad idea. It's nonsense. It's foolishness and nonsense. It's nonsensical. So stop not making sense. All right. This is a girl named Ed Rock.

Is that the one that died? So we talked about a death on this podcast already? Oh yeah. Who did die? No, no, no. MCA died. Oh shit. Adam York.

No. I don't know. I said in the beginning that I wasn't a huge PC voice fan. Look, we appreciate both of them. No. You're waiting for my final airplane mode. This is about Magliozzi, okay? We're not going to make it in memoriam for two people.

All right, all right, all right. Ed Rock. Right. But it's a girl named Ed Rock. Hey guys. This may seem small, but it's been bugging me for a while. Unfortunately, I have a crush on my really cute friend, who's kind of a player.

For example, when he goes out to parties, he meets out with attractive girls that he meets. On Monday, he proudly walks into class with a hickeys covering his neck because he made out with a friend over the weekend in her dorm room. It ate away at me throughout the entire class until I finally caved and casually asked him how he got them. The first thing this jerk said was that it took me way too long for me to notice them.

He's been strutting around like he's frigging Brad Pitt since he got them. I'm worried that this boost to his ego means pretty soon he'll choose another girl to be with, and I'll never get a shot at him. My question is, when a guy like him lets a girl put hickeys on his neck, does he like her? Or is he just in need of a major ego boost

since he hasn't hooked up with a girl in more than six months? Thanks. Wait, we're all on. It's a six months. That doesn't make sense then. She said this dude's a player and he's making out with girls left and right. Yeah, I think he's just... The basic question is,

well, I mean, there's a large issue at hand, but her question is, when a guy likes a girl put hickeys on his neck, does he like her? Or is he just in need of a major ego boost? I believe the problem is that this girl really wants this guy and she's trying to be like, oh, this player-loser comes in with hickeys

and it's so hot and I want him, and is it normal or he sucks? But isn't he sexy? Yeah. You're still conflicted. She's super conflicted, yeah. But this guy does sound kind of like a jerk because he's like,

oh, I can't believe how long it took you to notice my hickeys. I don't know. He could just be saying that. In his world, they're just friends and friends notice shit about each other and would call that out right away and be like, what is that, dude? So he can't be mad at him for being a player

and then... Yeah, especially if she's... He's asking like a player, she can't be mad at him for being a player and then also like him. Like, oh, this guy's such a jerk, especially because I wanted to fuck me. What are your thoughts?

What are your stance on hickeys? I feel like that's... maybe it was cool in high school or college. I mean, definitely I wouldn't want hickeys on my neck now. It's pretty scummy. Right. Because why? Because why is it embarrassing?

It's not embarrassing, but like, I think it's hard to hit on a girl. Well, maybe it's not. It seems like it's working for this guy. Right. It's kind of like buying condoms. It's embarrassing,

but you're basically admitting that you are getting some, but it's still shameful in a way. It is shameful, because it's like... It's not shameful, it's just you don't want it. It's a very... It's the only like outward display

that you like got lucky, you know? It's like a curtain, it's like a stain that lets everyone know about your private life. And not that that's a problem, but it's like, if you're confident and cool, you don't need to talk about that shit.

Right. It's like you wouldn't want to wear a shirt if you got laid last night. Right. Yeah. People who are so like... Being covered in hickeys, too, is like somebody maybe kissed you too hard.

Yeah. I like doesn't... You look like a leper. You have like a bunch of hickeys on your neck. It almost looks like you had weird bad sex. But if someone was like, if you're hooking up with a lady and she starts giving you a hickey,

would you say stop or push her away? Well, I don't think I like the sensation that somebody's sucking on my neck really hard. I would probably be like, this isn't hot. I wouldn't be like, hey, stop. This isn't hot.

But I would definitely like... Flinch away. I would move. Yeah. I would not allow that to be happening. But you've had hickeys before. In my lifetime, yeah. I've seen you with hickeys like six months ago.

You have three hickeys right now. Yeah, but it's cool when I do it. I'm a player. Surprised it took you guys this long to notice. So what would you tell this girl? Is she reading too much into it? Yeah. This guy doesn't like have hickeys

from this girl because he likes her. Right. I mean, if anything, he's broadcasting these hickeys for other girls. Right. I think he just like, in the heat of the moment, if a girl's like,

I'm going to give you a hickey, you're not, you know, I don't know how old he is, but like, if they're in like high school or something, you're not going to stop it. Yeah. You're like,

just yeah, whatever, go ahead. As long as we can like, keep making out. You know, like... This is so embarrassing. I would hate to have a hickey. I wonder if I've ever had a hickey. I know I've never had one.

You have to think about it. You haven't. I've seen you with a hickey. Yeah. Like, I guess there are different levels of hickey. There used to be a thing. Like girls would like, I remember in like eighth grade,

they'd be like, I'm going to give you a hickey. Right. And then you'd be like, I present you neck. They're like, give me five minutes. Yeah.

First all the capillaries in your neck. I do have like, I don't know if it's a vision of my own memory or like just a TV or a movie show. Or a TV show or a movie where like girls are like, come on, let me give you a hickey.

Like, no, I don't want a hickey. And then the girls are like, no, I really want to give you a hickey. Is it good for a girl to give you a hickey? It's like a dog marking their territory. It's like the human equivalent of a dog pissing on a tree. It's like, I've been here

and this is mine. Right. And then it's like, you have to say where you got it. Oh yeah. Like who gave you that hickey? Yeah. Who gave you that hickey?

Yeah. It's like your hatred of Facebook relationship posts. Yeah. You don't like saying that. I think if you really like, should this girl's worried like, does that mean he likes that girl?

It does not mean that he likes that girl. Right. Like anything he's like, excited about other girls giving him hickeys. I think she, the hickey thing, she's getting hung up

on the wrong thing here. She's like found some little weird detail about him and decided it's like the big deal and she's reading into it a lot because she doesn't, what she really doesn't want to do is read it to her own feelings.

There you go. And admit that if she wanted to be with him, she should make a move. She should be the one giving him hickeys and she needs to let him know that. Yeah.

You know? She can't get mad at him for just being a guy and hooking up. If he's hooking up, if he's a player, then like, you can't be like,

I want to be with this guy and like he's already getting hickeys from other girls. He can't be mad at him. Like don't enter this into, like with the expectation that you're going to change him.

Right. Because that's what girls used to do to you. They think they, they're like, oh, I want to change Jake. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll tame that piece. Yeah. Right. But it's not going to happen. No. No. The opposite. It only makes me more wild.

Like gasoline on the fire. And then I get singed in the hickeys. But if it's not even hickeys, what if he's just bruising? Like if you touch it and it's a soft mealy, like it's almost like

a mealy hair. He just has a weakness. It's a bunch of cysts. Oh, God. He has some really, really bad ingrown hairs. The best thing she can do is first time shaving.

It's just be like, oh, like really, really passively. She's like, huh, those are gross. And then like, it'll just eat away at him.

Find two other of your friends to tell him they look gross. Yeah. I would just say, I could give you a better one. Oh. On your fucking,

on your taint. On your dovetop. A new one on your dovetop, sir. Why, is it, is it, is it, is neck where the hickeys are the most prevalent, or is that just the only place

where hickeys can happen? Because the skin is so thin. I think you can get them wherever. Like, have you seen a cupping? You know, it's that like weird, like eastern,

like healing method where they heat up cups. These little bowls and they put them on your back and then they like, Oh. Pop them off and you're left with like,

these crazy circle bruises everywhere. I wonder what the, what's the science of hickey? You suck the, you suck so much It's a vacuum. Like the blood. Yeah.

It gets from the inside of the vein out and towards the skin. It's like you're, you create a vacuum and like, nature It's almost like a magnet.

so things want to fill it, you know. So the blood is actually just going through the veins that they're in and then towards the skin. I think it's getting out little like,

capillaries or whatever. I think it's like, breaking. So you can almost get a hickey so deep and like, just keep sucking until like, it comes out of your blood. I don't know if you could

suck the blood straight through the skin without biting it. Your skin's tough. Your skin's tough. We just happened, we just, we just pierced,

you know, and pierced the skin. Of course. But it's like, it's like, if you took a vacuum and stuck the nozzle on you, like you're,

and left it there and cracked it up, like you'll probably get a little bruised. Will it just start bleeding? No. I like it internally bleeding. Internally bleeding.

I love when our podcast evolves into three idiots theorizing. What is it? Can you do that? I don't like you, Coarse. Give your arm. I'll give you a hickey on your arm.

We'll see what you do. Until you're just spitting out blood. I remember giving myself an arm hickey. Oh yeah. That's a thing. So you can't,

but the, the skin on your arm is maybe thin, like the skin on your neck. Yeah. It's like, I'm like, Okay.

Real last question, because we're running out of time. Why don't you get hickeys? Can you get a hickey on your penis? Oh, I don't think so. But why not? Because your dick skin

is totally different skin. It feels like thin skin. No. It's like, it's like a, a bat wing. It's like super elastic and stretchy and stuff.

Jake, you've, you've seen porn, any dick hickeys? I haven't ever seen it. I've never seen a dickie. Maybe you've not. I've never seen a dickie.

You've got an erection, and then someone tried to give you a hickey. It might work. Because otherwise, the blood's just going to go to your penis and fill it up.

Oh, I'm not talking about the head. I'm talking about maybe the underside. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. I don't know.

But the whole purpose of your dick is for blood to flow to it. Right. If you're trying to get blood to flow there, it's already has a thing it does when it does that.

Yeah. It's just getting monstrously huge. Yeah. And it's cool and big. All right. That's our time. Do you want to plug anything

before you have to go? I guess I'll plug my podcast. Oh, yeah. What is it? The talk of shame. It's the talk of shame. Oh, man.

It's a stony theme song. It does it all. Talkofshameshow.com. You guys have been on it. Yeah. We'll be on it again. Yeah. More.

We have to be on yours six times now. That was the deal. In the whole 13 episodes. That was the deal. We want to be on half of them. We should also say that we have a live show

coming up. Because it might, it's November 9th and we have a live show at the Hollywood Improv a Live podcast on Thursday, November 13th, which is so soon.

So please come out. It's fun. You get to watch the podcast live and then we hang out. We just have fun. Just hearing about this. I don't know if I'll be able to make it.

You guys need to give me more of that. Are you offering me? No, but I mean, I can maybe try. Wow. Again, even if we wanted you,

again, you couldn't because you have a job in New York, I guess. Oh, boy. Here we go. All right. The song was written by Pete Bradford.

And this closing one is from a guy named Anderson. So thank you, Pete and Anderson. And if you guys have any questions or theme song submissions or thumbnail submissions

of your own, send it to if I were you show at gmail.com. Thanks, Streeter. Sure. See ya. Hey, this is Greg Fitzsimmons, host of Fits Dog Radio,

right here on Podcast One. Join me and my guests, people like Zach Galifianakis, John Hamm, Karola Hardwick-Rogue, and everybody, track my rage against middle age,

Fits Dog Radio on Podcast One.