If I Were You - 115: Groupies

Episode Date: November 17, 2014

In this episode we discuss/sing about jealousy and genital surgery.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com, Prosper.com, and DraftKings.com.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This episode was unbelievable. What happened in it was just it transcended It was more than a podcast. I feel like I feel like it was like was it was borderline? It was borderline a 3d HD television slash movie experience Would you say it was a religion? I would say I think it really was church. I think it was synagogue and mosque All right, well things got real enjoy If I were you it's a podcast where they answer questions you got Jake in a mirror and you know There's such a blessing if you want some advice. He's the place and it's true

Well, they might answer back with us. Yeah, he's the cheese kill yourself and the Starbucks He'll put you on blast if you're coming up on hard luck last thing. Here's the email It's the bomb if I were you show at gmail.com That's true man our email address Our email is the bomb. Yeah, you idiot. The best part of the show is our email address Thanks, Mike Graham You jerk. He did good We put people on blast when they're in a dire situation or whatever that's true

We do put them on blast and they are in a dire situation Is the bomb it's a power you show at gmail.com. Thanks, buddy. That was good I like I like piano and rap that's rappers don't really do that. They don't do it enough. Yeah, I can't see Marshall just sitting at concert, you know why because That actually fabulous made Ray J mad. Oh really fabulous Looks like a effort. Yeah, there's pad when he played piano. Oh Man, oh, man, that was a 24-7 special on the cable channel, right cuz I went on the radio the very next day. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna kill you. Yeah

Yeah, it's supersonic speed Hey, this is if I were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir and I'm Jake Um We should In one of the episodes do the I should do the fast rapping part. Yeah Yeah, I can do now But I fear that it won't be impressive without like the actual song in the background Yeah, if I do it, maybe maybe at our live podcast. Is this coming out after the live podcast? I think so

So maybe we'll have already done it. Yeah, how exciting is that remember that one? That it already happened but not released yet. Try to follow that timeline How are you feeling? I'm feeling hand down the pants One button open on the shirt or one button shut on a shirt one button done. Yeah, and it's really it's it's odd It's not the button you would expect it's probably the least popular one button done on a shirt Yeah, it's like the third button down. Yeah, I understand that it's two buttons open one button done Then four buttons open. Yeah, can I take a picture? Sure. All right, just in case you want to like post it online. It's kind of a fun visual because people don't know what I see

All right Got it. Cool. Um, we're a oh wait your eyes were how do you your eyes are closed? You you don't even know when I'm taking the photo and your eyes are closed. You're so bad at keeping your eyes open I don't know. Wait, don't take it yet. Don't take it. Why because you want to flex. I want it Yeah, oh, I know I want to not be smiling. Yeah, yeah, of course. I'm flexed right now anyway That's as good as it's gonna get no, no, please. I already took it. We're back in your cabin What you want another photo? Yeah, right? Don't take it while I'm laughing. All right. This is so dumb

It's already been 45 minutes. We have to take a photo. All right, I'll never be able to do it now We had a bet an Instagram bet or an idea for a stakes for a bet where the loser has to post a selfie on Instagram right so if you lose I get to choose the photo of you and the caption right would you choose this photo? No, no, no, yeah one. It's like this picture is too silly I would want it to like seem so natural right like you actually did it and the caption couldn't be a joke because I would Have to make it seem like you wanted to do that, too I would yeah, I think that's sad like two hashtags. Yeah, like I like I want new followers

But I don't want to like but I'm a little too insecure to do more than that. Yeah, like hashtag selfie Sunday Hashtag, I don't know what the other one hashtag likes for likes What does that mean? I think that's like if you like my photos. I'll like yours. Oh, that's good People get mad at me for not liking their photos on Instagram I've had two separate friends that don't necessarily talk to each other come like address the fact that I comment on their photo But not like it like that was a huge slap in the face. Yeah, like I'm not allowed to comment on a photo and Without liking it first. That's interesting. I wouldn't care at all. I'm gonna put Jesse on blast He's earned it. I can't believe that he'd be the one. Yeah

But he noticed he also has a private Instagram account Oh, wow, so he really the quality of likes and comments do really mean a lot to yeah But I'm like if you want if you want more likes, why don't you open it? Does he want more likes? He's like no one likes my he wants less people to view his photos and more people to like them that makes no sense So what oh this show how does it work? People email us if I reshow it gmail.com and they want our advice Is that okay to say? I think that's okay to say You think that's fair. Is that alright? Is that legally am I overstepping my bounds to say and then we read these emails and try to offer

Them advice. Yeah on this podcast show Shall we get started? Can I read this email? Let's do it, baby. I need a name. I need a name I got a name like a vine g vine in a vine in road I've got a name. Remember the one where we answered questions and sang a song about them. Yeah, that was nice Should we do that this time? Where's your guitar downstairs? Should we do that? Yeah, you want me to go grab it? Okay, I'll edit it so it's like as if you just got it right snap my fingers here. We go like a genie You hit my computer off the bed I

Got it. Oh my god. That was so fast Instantaneous snapped and then two seconds later. You were back with the guitar and it was in tune crazy. Yeah, it was in tune, too All right, let me read this question. Let's say this is from Lisa Loeb Love it Lisa Loeb writes. So here's my problem I'm a 19 year old girl from the UK and I've just started my first year of university My boyfriend is 18 and in his final year of college about an hour and a half away from me We've been together for nearly six months and everything is going really great despite being long distance I can honestly say it's the best relationship. I've ever been in except for one little thing

My boyfriend and I are both musicians. I'm a singer and he's a drummer and we also both play guitar We were in the same music class at college, which is how we met But when I went to university he stayed on to take another year which happens quite a lot The thing is this since the beginning of the year my boyfriend has made a real impression on the first year girls When I went to visit him at college one time They actually screamed his name when he walked past and apparently that happens a lot We also went to a firework display together and a group of girls started screaming his name and ran over and literally Through themselves into his arms. I love my boyfriend and I trust him completely. I just want to know when we go out in public

How do I deal with these groupies? Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks guys. Lisa Loeb She's dating a hot musician. Yeah, and then all the girls love them. Yeah, what are you gonna do? Well, you can't I feel like you can't be mad at them You can't get jealous That's true. You can't because all that happens when you look jealous is like Wow, all these hot girls love me and my girlfriends mad at me all the time Yeah, I think I prefer to be with the groupies. Yeah, because they're not jealous in me

Yeah, they're better than you. So I I've seen this movie before which is what? It's he's gonna he's gonna fade away. It's over. I think he's a hot musician I don't think it's gonna last because he's too hot. He's too hot So you're saying you it's possible to have a boyfriend. That's too hot You you want to go a little under the hottest person you I just don't think you want to date somebody That's just for the first time coming into their hotness. Oh because they're like gonna inevitably want to Or that and why shouldn't they yeah, they've earned it. I don't know. It's just a little I don't want to be I don't want to say romance is dead. You know, I don't want to not believe in it, but I just think he's like

First time he's in college for the first time. He's getting attention from these girls. Yeah, he might be interested It might not just be like, how do I act around these girls? It's like, how is he gonna act around these girls when I'm not here? But you gotta realize that like what if they actually are Girls that he's not interested in right or they're just fans of his music Maybe maybe they don't want to bone him. No, no, no, it's probably fans of him But you got to be able to to trust your boyfriend enough to not bone them, right? Well, I guess I would talk to him and see what his attitude is and you'd be like Do you actually

Secretly want to have sex with all these people. Oh, yes, I do. I do. Thanks for asking. I can't believe I cannot tell a lie All right. Yeah, I secretly do want to have sex You know, I have lots of boy fans back at my home I mean, we have fans and you don't go around boning every one of them. Yes, I do I've boned everyone From timbuktu to toronto and back Uh, isn't it the same thing? I mean like fans are fans and I mean, I guess your boyfriend could have a crush on anybody It doesn't like fan. Nobody's nobody and then some people are really hot and you want to fuck them

And like and then you're like, oh this girl's hot and now she's a fan So now it's going to be easiest. So now I really want to do it, right? And that's probably what he's thinking Because he's a guy because he's a monster like me. Everybody is Uh, I think that if you really want to play it cool, you got to just act like it's no big deal Even if it is kind of a big deal. That's the song. Yeah, what? Oh act like it's no big deal I just holy shit This is happening If you want to play it cool just act like it's no big deal

Even if it is but then it's cool Oh Me, yeah Don't act like it's a big deal because it's not it's small like a mcdonald's meal 99 cents It's a penny less than a dollar so don't make sure he doesn't holler. He'll Trust you if you trust him back. Just give him a little slack. Don't tighten the leash Or a big mac. I trust me. It's like eating a happy meal

It fills you up, but it doesn't leave you feeling good. That's right Jealousy rots away at your relationship a lot like a mcdonald's happy me will over time Of course, it seems like it's a fine thing at first But over time you're gonna feel nauseous and angry and you'll have diarrhea. That's right. That's how the metaphor works So act like it's no big deal Act like a no big deal Break up with him. Yep Don't do it. This is the one this is the one time saying don't break up. He's not doing anything wrong

Yeah, you're not doing anything. That's true. Yeah, she's just jealous. He's not doing anything wrong You're just jealous. She's not even jealous. She's just saying how do I react? Jealous Otherwise, she wouldn't have wrote in if she wasn't jealous. Don't worry. It's no it's actually another song I wrote called You're just jealous It's actually about an x that I had already written. Yeah, I got groupies Yeah, they're floozies We're gonna go to the movies and I don't care what you tell us because you're just jealous Like it's no big deal

That's my advice. You got to act cool. I oh, but maybe that's just me You say you like jealousy a little bit in girls. I like it a little bit. I think I think A tiny little bit of jealousy is is healthy Like sure if somebody's jealous all the time it's a turnoff but if like some if I hear a girl be like I'm jealous like oh, I hate that person. I'm jealous of that person then I'm like, oh, you like me That's cool. You're like keeping an eye out But not like

I'm jealous of every I'm jealous of when you talk to your sister on the phone because it's like taking time away from me That's a scary amount. Right. Yeah, because what if she thinks you want to fuck your sister? Of course, of course That's totally understandable. Then I would think she was insane and that'd be extra hot actually The thing here's the theory not a theory but my thought on jealousy Uh How do I phrase this when I talk to somebody that I'm not interested? I know that I don't feel anything but

A girl that I'm seeing might not understand or they can't feel what I feel right So in their brain, I could have a secret crush on this person I could be physically attracted to them when in fact I feel nothing at all So when I talk to some ladies and I feel nothing at all I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong and then it's like, oh, why were you talking to this person? It makes me feel uncomfortable and I'm like, why I don't understand Don't you know what I feel like exactly and I feel like if you have a lot of faith in someone They don't they sort of know or they understand that you don't feel anything for other people

What do you think about that? I Like chic the look you think you'd never feel anything for anybody that you talk to no disagree I think that sometimes you do I think sometimes you're talking to like attract you've had crushes on people before while you're in a relationship Yeah, and that's normal and that's healthy and that's fine sure and as long as you're not I just think it's it's it's less about like you be in my head and know that I didn't feel anything But sometimes I do but usually I don't and that's how I didn't you're not in my head Yeah, I think all you can do is be like you trust me to never take anything too far So if I'm flirting with somebody in like a completely

Normal way like trust me that I know the lines That that I shouldn't cross right. I think that's more of like you're not in my head, but more like Trust me to cut it off. You know, I'm a good dude, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I would say I'm not gonna do anything that wrong Right, but then all that's like sort of lets jealousy come in because Of course like if you're talking to a girl and you're smiling and flirting and they know you're not gonna let go sneak around and fuck her Right, but you're like still oh Amir is getting like a tiny little boner in his pants right now Just the the softest half chub. Yeah, because I like smiling at his arm during this drink

He's like no, you don't that girl doesn't get to give you that pleasure You don't get to get pleasure out of this interaction The half chub I'm gonna take you away The problem is other other past boyfriends ruin it for future boyfriends Like if a girl's been cheated on a bunch, she has no reason to trust It's hard to like start with a blank slate every time. Yeah, she's like, oh all boys Will cheat a lot of people are you know, the sum of all their dating experiences. Yeah Fuck

You get you're ruining it for me because I'm a cheater. Yeah. Yeah, you should just be cheating. It's so fun I might as well if I'm already assumed guilty. I might as well commit the crime. There you go Well, I'm too scared to cheat. I don't think I'm a good guy for not cheating. I think I'm just a huge You're a pussy. Yeah, I'm too much of a pussy to cheat. Trust me. I want to yeah I wish I'll ruin a relationship in a million other ways I will I'll try All right, next question. This one. Oh wait, so final advice was act like it's no big deal. Act like it's no big deal Yeah, stop being jealous. Yeah

Uh This guy we'll call him Eric Clapton wrote recently. I noticed that I had a bump on my penis I told my mother and we went to the doctor my doctor said it was just extra skin that grew on the inside of my shaft My doctor said that it can be removed, but if I did get it removed I might lose some length While the bump doesn't hurt or cause any problems I feel as though girls might be afraid of it like if they were sucking and this weird bump was just there Do I keep the bump or remove it and risk losing some length?

Thanks, Eric Clapton on the tip. No, I think it's on the shaft. So how would it lose length? Maybe they have to like cut out like almost like slice off a cross section of his penis and like It's kind of like a jenga when you remove one of the inside middle pieces and then the rest of it just falls I would probably remove it. You would. Yeah. Why? Because I wouldn't want I would rather not I would rather have a smooth shaft than a bump But I would rather not remove it because it's like I don't want to have to go into penile surgery Yeah, it seems like there's a lot happening if there's anything wrong with my penis I would take care of it immediately like I haven't gotten my blood pressure checked. I haven't gone to the dentist

Yeah, I don't shower regularly. Of course, but if there was like an issue with my penis, it would be immediately dealt with Your penis is number one. Yeah, your dick is the number one priority. My dick controls me. It's my heart, mind, body and soul You're so you want to treat it as such well I'm sort of treating it so well that like I don't even want to go under the knife I want to leave it as is and it's natural state. Yeah, but if it's natural state is uh, a little unhealthy a little grotesque I think my penis is my master It's not unhealthy. It's just uh, it's a bump. It's extra skin, of course And does that result in you know freaking out some gals?

Maybe there's a there's a rumor spread about your penis all of a sudden. Maybe you got gentle herpes That's possible too. I really have to see your penis, buddy. I'd have to just I'd like to see your dick Yeah, is that the song if I suck it If I suck it and don't notice the bump then we're good Maybe that's how you can floss you can finally take care of your teeth and somebody else's penis in one Yeah, perfect. I'll just put toothpaste on it and then blow you That's actually not a terrible idea. Yeah. Yeah Is that should I get the guitar? Is that the song? Is that the song? Okay. It's an oral hygiene song about oral sex. It's called

We don't know yet, but inspiration is striking Okay Hey girl Your teeth are looking a little yellow So I have an idea won't you get down there and fillate this fella Put some cream on my shaft and go to town. I don't want your teeth yellow

Gray or brown, I want them white and crispy and smooth and right So why don't you suck my D Tonight suck my dick while I have toothpaste on the shaft I want to know that you're cleaning your mouth while you're cleaning my taft William Howard, that's what I call. He's the fattest president So don't make a dent and don't make a spearmint rhino

All right, here we go My dick is your toothbrush and my balls are your floss You get down on your knees because your mouth looks like moss Come as listerine if you know what I mean You will have Such good hygiene blow me tonight. I have a cold gate on my dick It's getting sticky so suck it right quick Blow me right now. I put crest on my shaft

If you want I'll stick it in your mom stop listening to the podcast Of course, of course too late That's a song by the worst dentist in the world on molester really Uh, that was fun. That was a good one. I think thank you. Yeah, it's always starts off a little rough My dick is your toothbrush. My balls are the floss Yeah, come as listerine come as listerine. I was excited when I had that in my head I like how you took it to uh presidents. Yeah, well, I had to write something with a shaft. Oh, right, right

Yeah, so taft. I was gonna rhyme ass with it. Oh, that's good. But uh, so uh, uh, uh, if I were you Get rid you would get rid of the question. Yeah, you get rid of a bump for some length I would shave off the bump and I would I would get a second opinion Like can you do this without losing the length? Is there a bed? Is there like a cosmetic surgeon that I can go? Yeah, because the way you're describing it right now It seems like it seems physically impossible. Like that's not how things work. This dude's he's a quack. He's a hack He wants to take a whack. Yeah, so get your money back and get a second opinion But I would leave the bump. Maybe it's good natural. It's like ribbed

Ribbed for yours. That's something you can play to the girls when they pull out your penis in the screen It's ribbed for your pleasure No Uh, okay. Oh, we need another female singer-song-rightress Alanis For a set Alanis writes. I'm in a pinch that I think only crab claws can get me out of I'm 19 years old and just moved to a new city and my job at a toy store. I was trained by a guy I quickly started crushing on hard. He's a fucking dollar bill a geeky speed skater That seems to enjoy the witty banter we share

We talk about everything all day and he seemed to really enjoy talking to me and we have lots in common And are both vegan and studying to be teachers. I really like him, but I'm only in the city until may I feel like what we could potentially have would hurt too much to leave when I do Since I like him this much and it's only been a few weeks and I'm definitely not down for long distance I think the best thing to do would be just to just enjoy this experience with him and then break up amicably in a few months Assuming we last that long. So the thing is I'm not sure if he's into me. I would think he is except for the fact that he's four years older than me He's still in university like me, but I feel like guys don't want to date younger girls

I have this huge complex about my age I feel like guys won't even look at me seriously because I'm younger even though I've been through quite a lot of shit in the past that made me grow up faster than other people my age And I've been out of high school for three years. I'm from Montreal. So we finished when we're 16 So my question is would he not want to date me because I'm younger? Does he see me as a child and has written me off as unfuckable? I really want to seize his cheese, but he's also my superior at work And I wouldn't want things to get weird and if I do go for it. How should I ask him out?

I don't want to ask him out casually to hang out outside of work and have him just laugh me off saying As if I'd want to hang out with you you pathetic teen help Love So much context So much info. There's too much There's so there's too much to tackle too much information. What are you talking about? So she's she has a crush on a guy. They're both vegan and she thinks he's a geeky hot speed skater

They talk a lot at work and she's worried about like they don't want to she doesn't want to have an unhealth She doesn't want to have a hard breakup and she doesn't want to do distance. She also doesn't know if he likes her Right. And he's also she's also she's also afraid that guys don't want to date girls younger than them I mean, that's obviously fine. Yeah, we do. Yeah, everybody likes guys like younger girls. Why is that? um, I think they are is like The the they give the impression or like, you know, the um, you think of like young tight-bodied um Fresh-faced. Mm-hmm. Um, there's something sexy about inexperience where you're like, oh, this person is like

Virginal. Yeah, like pure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah guys are disgusting. Yeah. That's what we're thinking and uh Yeah, so I and like, you know, young girls. It's sexy. It always is. This is my theory on why people like young girls Okay, or maybe this is just why I like younger girls um Because there are different ways to have the upper hand in a relationship. You can be more attractive. You can be more smart You can be more funny. You can be this you can be that And being older is a way of having like an in like it's an indisputable objective way to have uh, some sort of

Uh advantage in a relationship Not like you're gonna take advantage, but you just want to look better to the girl So like if I was if I was 22, I couldn't necessarily get a really attractive 22 year old because like Oh, we're the same age and now it's coming down to like other factors like attractiveness and I'm like, okay I'm average and attractiveness But as an average looking 31 year old, I'm more attractive to 22 to 25 year olds Because of my age and you're you have you're knowledgeable. Yeah, I guess yeah I don't think you necessarily need to have an upper hand in any way, but I think I get what you're saying which is like

They can admire something about you. Yeah, which is that you're mature and older and you have a job Yeah, so I look better to to younger girls than I do to girls my age Yeah, maybe that's because people have different value sets like girls might admire things like stability and uh, the fact that you can hold down a job and uh, your priorities are like focused towards health and success and guys look at young and hot Right And then so like that what what the girls look for Most ladies look for in a guy guys just get with age

Right like it's hard to be stable and uh, have a job and good stuff when you're right out of college Interesting, so the what I have at age 31 is better than what I had at age 22 But what you have right now is also attractive to 29 to 32 year olds, right, but you're not into that. Yeah You could like I mean the playing field is completely level. There's no like you would have Your advantage the same advantage if you entered into a relationship with an older person now, right? I guess I know I wouldn't say 29 to 32

I would say like somebody older than me seems like for whatever reason a bigger red flag than someone younger than me Well, somebody Yeah, someone that's older than 31 Maybe it's a little scary because you don't want to settle down at all, right? And I think the stigma for an older woman is like they're on a pilot you want. Yeah like timeline Yeah, they want to settle this. They want to lock this up. Yeah Yeah, because their ovaries aren't getting any more fertile. I feel like I really think it's just that young girls have perk your tits I really do. I really really think when you feel them. They're they're not saggy

They're high up and they're soft and they're nice. Yeah, they're harder and they like me because I'm 29 and I have a car I own a car. I've made enough cash to buy a car with it. I have a used truck. So I'm uh, I'm desirable for that reason To them Uh, so what would you tell this lady the one don't work. It seems like this guy's overthinking every aspect of your life You are you're you have a crush on your boss at work and you're already planning your breakup. Yeah You just relax Relax, that's what that's the John Gabriel's advice. Oh, yeah, just John Gabriel say relax Uh guys like girls that are younger than them guys like girls with that have similar

Hobbies and things about them. It seems like too big guys like girls that aren't Speculating about every single aspect of a relationship. Just take this as a new experience Chill out chill out and uh, do not Overanalyze overthink or rush into anything. So is it worth cutting it off before it even gets started? Or is it worth seeing nothing has started? Yeah, it hasn't nothing has happened yet. So I guess it's worth going slowly and letting things progress naturally rather than like Going hard don't go ham on this. Yeah Should she ask him out? Is that okay for a girl to ask a guy out?

I think it's always okay for a girl to ask a guy out But if she's like this neurotic, maybe she should wait and try to get a better sign from him if he's into her I wonder if is that like a rule most girls still stick to is like I will never ask a guy out Um, or is that outdated old-fashioned? I feel like it's dating in old-fashioned But at the same time I've rarely been asked out by women Right Is it because girls can get any guy they want so that's like I might as well just make myself available and whoever wants it can Ask me out. I don't know. I guess like also

I think asking people out in general is a little Dated. I don't think I mean it doesn't happen that much. It's also casual. So maybe it is a little bit like a guy will say Like instead of being like I'd like to take you out and I've got the spot for dinner and we'll get drinks And I'll plan the whole thing. Right. Hey, what's up? How are you? How are you? Let me find out about each other and like well, let's we should hang out sometime I think that's been definitely it's like an ebb and a flow. How's your what's the it? Are you getting questions like that on text to jake? How can I ask a girl out or a girl?

How can I ask a guy out? Yeah, there is a lot of things like how do I like or actually it's a lot of I can't tell if this person likes me should I ask them out and the cool thing about that is you never should I not say this? Now you could say This is If you want your personalized response from jake go to text jake.com still open for business jake is still dispensing advice But his general advice right now is Um, you never have to be like you never have to send out a like will you go out with me text? It can always just be like a let's hang out text and then like based on their response

You know if they like you or not if they're like if they're deflecting then, you know, no, they don't like you if they're like Saying like yeah, maybe we can all go like and it's like they turn into a group thing They don't really like you but like the cool thing is like Giving them that lob just like let's hang out or let's do this thing It like allows them to Really passively accept or reject you right so if you don't have to be like hey Look, I like you and I'd like to take you out because even if that person did like you that text might like really throw them off Right, so maybe you can just be like oh, we should hang out some time

Yeah, like what are you up to this weekend? This thing's happening and then they could be like oh sweet. Let's do it Right, whatever. There's lots of little Little little little tricks. That's each one costs five dollars I'm gonna be rich. How rich I want to buy a 2006 Toyota Tacoma That's how rich uh, so if you need your own help text jake.com at your service. What's the song for this person? um What did she she's overthinking everything. Yeah Just chill out. Just relax. Yeah. Oh, that's nice a little relaxing music. Okay

I wish I knew how to play reggae Isn't it just strumming on the up? Oh, that's good I can't change chords. That was that was very jason mirazi Yeah Okay, I don't know if I can keep this up for like a whole song. It's too different than what you do I can't do it It's up stroke. Dude, I gotta give me an hour to practice before you throw me into this

You're pissed It's really it sounds like it's the start of something Yeah, but then I it's like it's just so hard to keep up stroking. It's like it goes against everything my fingers want to do Yeah Yeah All right, fine. We'll do it, but I can't sing anything I don't know how how much there's gonna piss people off Turn the mic more towards you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What have got all right

Okay Pretty girl you need to relax To take a chill pill and lay on your backs. You gotta not make a big deal out of every little thing Even though jay can't sing I want to give him a try because I think he can he could To tell you how to relax to your man. You gotta chill out Enjoy the ride Don't be cynical and don't be snot. Cause girl I'll just change the chord and

You gotta relax Hey, so god They're not all gonna be balls come listering like some of them will be a struggle and some of them will come well And it's like number 41 by Dave Matthew. Yeah written in the night. Exactly. Rome wasn't built in a single hour. Yeah So overall chill And uh You'll you'll have fun. Yeah, don't and I think this guy likes you. Has anybody ever overdosed on chill pills?

Let's take a break. Okay And uh, thank one more sponsor. Uh, and then we'll be back with our break brb This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult Inxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that Difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist Especially one in your area But better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist

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No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you and that gets you a free Four week trial free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show Shalom Break time thoughts on my pants They are very very hip

They're hip. Yeah. Yeah, too hip I don't they're too hip for me If you're comfortable in them, then that's great. Yeah, look bad. Sure. They um Well, I personally would never wear them. Of course But they look fine on you and personally if I own them, I'd kill myself But you can pull them off. But for me for me I want to douse them in gasoline while they're on you and burn them. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm saying I hear that you don't like them. No, they're I think they're

Here's the story. I went into a store that has like cool clothes clothes that Cool people wear right that not necessarily I own like I own regular clothes and then this place is like, yeah This is like the medium is tight on the shoulders and then like goes way past your dick Like those are the shirts they're sort of baggy in some places and then I tried on the pants and they're tight around my calves Uh and baggy around my crotch. They have a drop crotch, which I guess is like a thing now drop crotch joggers Yeah, that's what they are but they don't have a cuff but they're not yeah, they're not like They're sort of like a fancy pants version of the jogger because it doesn't have the elastic cuff So it's like it's pleated. It looks like

Um, I was saying it looks like jockey pants. Yeah, like a horse riding pant. Here's what I here's what I don't mind I don't mind the tightness around the calves. They're fine. I enjoy the slim fit in this I don't understand the bagginess around the crotch. That's a thing now. Yeah dropped crotch I I don't want to say I'm not gonna do it because or I'm never gonna do it because then like I can imagine Just eating my words in a year. Yeah remembering that I said it But I really really really really don't think I'm gonna do it But it feels like this everything is like that like oh, I feel uncomfortable buttoning my shirt all the way up And then you do it. Yeah, that's true

But there's I think there's different levels of cool like this is this is not the kind I mean There are different fashions in every single like walk and facet of life. Yeah And this is not one that I'm What is this type of cool? I don't know like Is it like British teenagers? Yeah, it's it's too young. It's British teenagers. Yeah urban high schoolers. Yeah Urban high schoolers So so it makes it look like I'm sagging when I'm not my pants are pulled up all the way

And then the fabric below my penis extends like four inches below where my where it should end Yeah, yeah, and then the everything below that point is tight really really tight. Yeah very tight Uh-huh, and so I'm gonna give them a spin today. Why not see what happens? You did spend $400 on them. That's well. I got them. They're on a special sale. It was 125 percent This place is so cool. They chart the sales. Yeah, and then you're like, holy shit And as you're checking out this all you all the places you could have gotten it for cheaper and you have to be cool with it Yeah, you can't if you even stutter or like don't smile during that part bill They won't sell you the pants

It is funny like some stores are so expensive and I guess the people there just desensitized to it's like Yeah, so this is a sweater that we have and it's $450 and like what am I supposed to react to that? You're like cool. Cool. Yeah, and I can't just be like clearly. I'm not gonna spend Rent on sweater. I think with clothes it's That's normal because like it's all about the quality and the care they took to make them Like there's only this many sweaters and they were all like done by hand by this designer And they're like they're comfortable and they fit really well. Yeah, then like you'll go into Some like boutique store that sells bullet whiskey for 52 dollars

I know I can get this at the grocery store down the street for 30, but it doesn't have a handmade label Tied with a little rope with things that are like so with um with things that are, you know, subjective or something like clothes You're like, okay. I understand charging more because like this taste maker made it But then there are also things that just get jacked up for no reason because like Meyer's hand soap is More expensive at a boutique grocery store than it is at Trader Joe's. Yeah It's it's that they want they know that you got the disposable income to spend a little bit more on soap It's okay, dude. It's it's not I'm gonna make my own soap. I really am

I think all it really takes is like egg whites and eucalyptus I think that's like you bake it or some shit. I think I'll just do it And I'll either eat it or use it as soap if I use like eucalyptus egg whites. Yeah, you're describing a frittata I'm serious and then and then a little and then candle wax. No, that's a guy and a little bit of elbow grease He just got himself a bar of soap and you can eat it if you're in the shower and it's a little runny and you're hungry You could eat the soap. Yeah, and it's not so I think the ingredients to the soap are like like you said eggs caramelized onions leak Gruyere cheese. Yeah 325 on high. Right. Let it sit. You just scorched it in the skillet

Yeah, that was the whole entire thing with chalula and you're good to go slice to a boil Uh, we're almost done, but let's just get through one more question. Yeah Uh Oh, you know what we can do is the uh, did I send this meat to myself? The follow-up to the girl with the hickies. Oh, uh, I think I sent this to you Uh, last week. Can you explain what happened last week with the hicky question? Last week a girl asked if a guy comes to To class with a hicky, uh, what kind of guy is he and is I don't even fucking remember actually She was so all over the place. She was like very into this guy and he's like he has hickies like does that mean he's not interested in me?

I still want to he thinks he's so cool because he makes out with whoever he's so gross. How do I make out with him? How do I get him to like me? Yeah Uh, so she sent us a follow-up. Oh, I have it. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah. Hey guys. Thank you so much for answering my question I was hoping you could answer this question for me as well because I'm not sure who else to turn to I'm not asking you to dress it on your podcast I'm just hoping you give me a little follow-up advice because I'm always second-guessing myself. Yeah It shows Continue

I know perfectly well that he doesn't like me that way from his behavior and that I'm not his type But I was thinking if the opportunity for me to kiss him came up. Should I just go for it? I want to be seen as girlfriend material and I'm not sure if me kissing him out of the blue in his dorm room Would wake me like that girl. He's just friends with since he's made out with her randomly in her dorm room Any advice would be totally amazing So after telling this girl that she's probably Really really into this guy and she won't admit it to herself. She's like, you know what you guys are right I don't want to date him anymore. That being said, I would like to be girlfriend material and I want to kiss him

It's the opportunity arises. Of course. I'm not going to force the issue Should I kiss him if we're at a party and he's drunk and he's out of my mind I'm over it. How do I kiss him? And if I do is that too bad? Am I just going to be seen as a friend because I love the guy this guy's obviously a player I'm not interested that being said I do want to be girlfriend material to him and is kissing him the way to do that All right, cool guys. Thanks for the advice Quick follow up quick follow up to the follow up. I really really really need to kiss him Still not interested. You're gonna just do what you do girl. You know, we can't advise you anymore

You clearly love them. You clearly want to kiss him. I just think don't even why don't you just hook up with him? You don't have to be girlfriend material. You like him. You don't love him. You don't want to be his girlfriend You're just intrigued by him. Yeah, so kiss him and it's fine and you don't have to like him after that Maybe he's got hickeys. Maybe you can give him hickeys. Yeah, why don't you just kiss him and see how it kind of kisser He is and that's it. Yeah, and I feel like you'd go for it at most parties If this guy really is a player pimp I just don't think like she's upset preemptively because she wants to be his girlfriend Like you haven't even kissed him yet. Yeah

Why don't you just Take a one step at a time and see you like explore that road and then see if you still want to be his girlfriend After you kiss him and engage with him a little more. I don't think she wants to be his girlfriend I think she just wants to be sexual with him. I don't think she has like a she wants to be seen as girlfriend material Yeah, but I don't think she does I think she just all this stuff is just trying to get him to kiss Hit her to kiss him Why don't you just be okay with the fact that you just want to get boinked by this player

Is a crush always physical or can you have a crush on someone? You're like, I really just want to be in a relationship with this girl I think or is it always just like crush is just lust. It depends. Yeah crushes are always luscious Crusts are lusts. Yeah So but I think you like it depends how heavy the crush is because if it's emotional and physical Uh crush you'll like invent the entire world around you guys and really fall in love with this person Which isn't fair to that person because you're projecting so much. Yeah onto them You want so badly this thing that they don't even think or know about your lifestyle

Yeah, and they and you could be so far behind like you could have not even spoken to this person Exactly, right you invent a very elaborate story in your head So, uh, you're you're writing a movie that no one else has the script to which is I guess how most movies work That's true. Yeah, uh, so there's you know that you have that going for yourself. So what's the song advice for her? Um, is it a good old fashioned you do you? Yeah, that sounds like a nice idea. It's sort of like a rap then Oh, okay Here we go This is gonna close us out

He's back to reggae he knows it doesn't work, but he doesn't care All right, wait, let's find a rap beat. Yeah Oh That's good to scratch Yeah So girl you do you no matter if you're a christian muslim aju You got to do what you feel and not what you don't you got to do what you think and not what you won't Yeah, all right, you obviously can't control your emotions at all. So don't pretend to be short if you're small

Don't pretend to be medium if you're tall just do what you want and you won't fall All right Girl yeah, okay girl here we go. Oh god your jaws open. You're stuck. Hey girl you you're an all star You gotta do you girl Excuse you Yo girl Yeah, I hate this. Yeah, girl. Oh, this is the worst Oh

Yeah, girl. Do you? Yeah, girl Yeah, girl Do you? Oh, I hate this You're the worst person. Yeah, girl close your mouth. Yeah You're eating an imaginary savage Yeah I hate this. Yeah

What is this it's like, uh Bobcat goldthwaite. I got well that guy's name was karmann. Uh, what does that mean? He's my rap alter ego Yeah, yeah Yeah, I released my reverse Uh, we're out of time if you have your own questions your own theme song submissions or facebook thumbnail submissions Send them to if i were you show at gmail.com The opening theme song was written by one mike Graham and this closing theme song was written by

Jake and michael two dudes one with a heart of gold the other with a dick of coal. Whoa like his mother If you can imagine, uh, all right, cool. We'll be back soon later guys toad This is the if i were you show Guaranteed to be hashtag dope To juice give an advice. Don't forget to follow USA rise and seize the cheese If you really please hey, oh, let's go the if i were you show She's y'all towards a theme

Hey, this is greg fitzman's host of fits dog radio on podcast one Join me and my guests such as john ham Zach alafanakis jimmy kimmel Corolla hardwick rogue and all the big guns are with me We talk about what it's like in hollywood behind the scenes the real deal The rage against middle age fits dog radio on podcast one the home of podcast